The Viall Files - E280 Ask Nick - I Made A Mistake

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we begin with a woman who is having trouble with the person she is seeing because he is a little too passive when it comes being physical and she is starting to feel rejected. Our second caller thinks she has made a really big mistake by breaking up with her boyfriend and is now second guessing her decisions. Our third caller was cheated on and is having trouble loving herself in a way to not need validation from the person that hurt her. Lastly, we speak with someone who is going through a divorce and decided to go onto dating apps to try to find her way out of her relationship, only to find herself confused by the dating situations in front of her.  “You may not want him, but you want him to be sorry for f*&%$ing up.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: The Zebra: http://www.thezebra.com/VIALL to get your free quote today.  Masterclass: http://www.masterclass.com/VIALL for 15% off an annual membership  Canva: http://www.canva.me/VIALL to get a FREE 45-day exerted trial  Modern Fertility: http://www.modernfertility.com/VIALL  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What's going on, happy monday hope you're doing well it's uh wow like shit you know it's like we're already like in the we're in summer it's the heart of summer it's june fuck man before you know it's be christmas time what are you gonna do i hope you guys are having a good enjoyable summer spring it's how like i don't know it's that anxiety in california i don't give a shit but for all you people in the midwest and the east coast like all this thing you're excited for like summer to get here and you're just like fuck it's june like it's almost over it happens fast so i empathize thanks for tuning in it's another fantastic ass nick episode for you can't thank you guys guys enough for tuning in. Do you guys want to go ahead and give us five-star reviews on iTunes? Sure would mean a lot to me. I just, you know, my ego, as we talk about ego, needs that validation. Honestly, it's just,

it's really good for the show. It is. And, you know, who knows? If you don't do it, we might not be able to provide the show for you. You know, is that a threat? That's a little bit of a threat. Just a little bit. Anyway, well, maybe. I don't know. So it was that hard. Just go.

I don't even need a review. Don't don't. You could say we're awesome. Just click on the five star. It's I don't know. Sometimes I just want a little love and validation. I just I'm. Hey, I can admit it.

I have my weak moments, too, for you. We have a great week lined up for you so there's this episode that you're listening to tell your friends obviously and then tonight we are back for another bachelor recap with the wonderful friend of show Chrishell Stouse is with us also hey I'm on this episode of the bachelorette I haven't seen it yet

but I hear it's a doozy everyone cries I kind of come in and kind of change you know the trajectory of the shit not necessarily intentioning you never really know how things play out but everyone's crying i i you know we i just i show up early on and i try to hold these guys accountable you know it's all like we katie doesn't have much time to find love and it's it's we need to know everything we can't everyone likes to show up on these fucking shows and be like hey let me tell Katie doesn't have much time to find love. And we need to know everything.

Everyone likes to show up on these fucking shows and be like, hey, let me tell you how awesome I am. By the way, I have a sad story that's going to endear you to me and my family in America. But I was more interested in why they might suck. Yes. Now there's a little bit more of a crumb than you were dropping so these guys you know might share why they might suck and they cry that's amazing uh but it no in all seriousness and uh there was a lot of vulnerability and that's all i'll share i i haven't seen like that

campfire style thing that like claire did kind of thing i guess. I don't know. I dig it. We'll see. Uh, anyway, Chris shell is going to be joining us to break it all down and, uh, we'll keep working hard to give you the best possible podcast available. So thanks for listening to us. Let's get to our callers.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. Uh, my name is Alana 29 Hi, Alana. How can I help? So I have been single for a while. Congratulations. It's awesome. I know. It's been pretty nice, actually. I've enjoyed being single. I'm not really sure if I'm ready for a relationship, but it's, yeah, I'm trying to get myself out there again and i've always kind of dated kind of i don't know jerks like not very nice people so i'm trying to branch out and date like maybe the nice guy or like people that you know have a little bit more to them and um i feel

like lately over the past even just like year or two, I've been finding myself in these dating situations where I'm with people who are extremely like passive and just not forward and kind of shy. And so, um, that's fine. Like, I don't mind being the first person to make a move or like all of that stuff, but I find it, I just don't find it very attractive like when somebody doesn't like pursue me in that way or like if I have to like ask somebody to kiss me or like I don't know I'm struggling and I don't know if this is my problem or if this is like if I'm just being too picky like I don't know and so I'm like I need to ask Nick this. Well, I, you know,

we've talked about this before, like with, with Sheila. I don't really think it's just like, I don't think there's like two type of guys. There's nice guys and assholes, you know, like, like most things,

like most things, there's a bit of a spectrum of, of guys. Right. And yeah, I, I, i don't think it's attractive for men to be so passive and so afraid of rejection and so desperate for relationships themselves that they are like little puppies just hoping for validation and approval and are asking if you're okay and asking if they can do that. Like that's not a nice guy. That's an insecure guy who doesn't know how to be confident in himself

and his feelings and, and, and set boundaries for himself at the fear of, you know, being rejected. Like men and women have the same problem when it comes to dating often is they're just afraid of not being liked and validated right and they often compromise the things they know they deserve and the things that they want because they just want to be liked they want to be accepted they want to be validated and and sometimes when they start dating they will maybe like uh like a guy might like a girl because he just thinks she's hot right and then she he's focused on that and then you know he's not setting boundaries for himself and then he you know decides to be treated a certain way you know obviously and women will will do that too women do it a lot right and? And then, you know, your asshole guys, like, yeah,

there's some extreme asshole guys who are really good at, you know, just kind of being condescending and negging a little bit. And instead of just saying, wow, you're really beautiful. I love your hair. It's like, oh, that's an interesting haircut, you know? And it's like a whole, there's a whole science behind, you know, pick up artist guys who never really make a woman feel confident, secure. They kind of always make her feel a little bit insecure so that what she wants to do is keep getting validation from whoever, whatever guy is doing this, right?

So that's the extreme. So it's just kind of trying to find that balance, right? So that's the extreme. So it's just kind of trying to find that balance, right? So when you're out there, like, yeah, if you're interested in a guy and put yourself out there and say you like him, I mean, whether he, a guy hitting on you or you hitting on them is just step one, you know, like there's been plenty of times that I can get nervous talking to women, right? But I'm definitely, I've been someone in relationships and in dating that have certainly like stood my ground and had boundaries of the things I didn't like or liked.

Right. Sometimes at the risk of being called an asshole because I was like, nah, I'm not going to do that, you know, but I've always been respectful and, and courteous and, and also paid attention to the things that they liked or didn't like.

And then sometimes we just agreed to disagree and moved on. So when you say I'm always dating the assholes, what are these guys like? What are some of the qualifications? What are some of the things that they're doing? I mean, I think I just find it attractive when somebody is really forward and, you know, pursues me. Okay. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah. And then what happens? And then they're a little too forward and confident and they turn into kind of just arrogant people, you know, like, um, I don't like arrogant people or full of themselves or like, um, you know, it's just not that I lose interest and they, you know, I just want somebody who can be respectful, but confident in themselves. And I feel like I just keep now choosing these people who aren't really confident, but are very respectful and very kind. And so,

yeah, it's been hard and I'm trying to push myself, push myself into that. Like I've been hanging out with this guy who I've hung out with him, you know, five or six times now. And I try to be even a little touchy feely, try to make him feel comfortable. And he has yet to make any move or make, you know,

any type of physical touch. It's just almost feels like rejection, you know? Yeah. So touch it's just almost feels like rejection you know yeah so maybe move on i mean i think it's great that you are recognizing that you have a pattern right and it's great that you're going outside of the box but you know if you've been going out with this guy for five five different times and it's you're you're making it pretty clear making moves and yeah he's just not responding either. A, yeah, he lacks the confidence to like make a move

or B, he's not into you either way. It's ran its course. I mean, it's like five times is a good amount of time to like give things an opportunity. Masterclass, that's right. It's no better time to be an expert in literally whatever it is you want to be an expert in. And you can do that with Masterclass.

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And as far as the guy who like comes up to you and says, Hey babe, what's up? And he's super like confident. That's great. And it's great to be turned on by that. It's great to be like, ah, it's awesome. But don't stop paying attention to like how be turned on by that. It's great to be like, ah, it's awesome. But don't stop paying attention to like how he treats you after that. If he's being disrespectful, dismissive, right?

It'd be like, hey, like I'm glad you're assertive, but like, don't talk to me that way. Right. Again, it's all about knowing your boundaries. It's all about like, you know, having certain things, whether it's with nice guys or with your more assertive men, you still have your boundaries of what you're willing to put up with and how you does your expectations of being treated

and as soon as some you know guy who slides in your dm or approaches you at the grocery store and has this bravado and confidence as soon as he starts being disrespectful or dismissive then you're just like well yeah i don't I don't, I don't do that. Right. And let them vocalize that, you know? And I think that'll help you weed out, uh, the guys, right. And, you know, depending on who you're meeting, it could be just communication, like guys who have a lot of bravado, they still have a lot of insecurities right so if you check the right guy he might be like you know what i'm sorry you're right what am i thinking i'm that is i am being an asshole like i don't i'm sorry and then you communicate and then you grow and then if a guy doesn't respond something like that and if he

gaslights you or makes you feel bad about yourself or just disappears and ghosts you that's not a reason to chase just and all and once again you just be like yep you know right got my answer there i just move on and i yeah you're gonna weed out a lot of people you're not into again if you just accept the reality when you're dating there's going to be a far greater number of people that's not going to be a right fit for you than are then you have a less likely chance to get discouraged when all these things happen it's not like oh my god there's no great people it's just like you're only again i'll say it a hundred times more you're only looking for one just one yeah right so you the more boundaries you have and the more you pay

attention to it early on and set these standards for yourself whether it's the nice guys you say or the asshole you'll be able to figure out if that nice guy has a little bit of swag and he's just trying to be respectful early on just trying to be a respectful king in the 2021 climate that we're living in right or is the the assertive guy still have some insecurities and he just overplayed his hand but as soon as you check him he's just like you know what i'm sorry i did that what that was like yeah i that's not who i am like i do i like you i just you know i just want to be got a little got a little carried away there right and just you know don't just like let them do their thing you know you know again the more boundaries you

have and it's not like and boundaries aren't like i don't do this and i don't do that and you know and and and just say like yeah i just like boundaries. You can set your boundaries without like sounding negative. And don't like lead like on a dating app. Don't like have things, all the things you don't do or all the things you're not looking for. Let someone do something that you don't like to set the boundary that you're expecting. And just be super chill about it. But like, I don't know, that was weird. Why did, you know, I don't deal with that. But it's cool if you it's fine not for me i'm gonna just

move on you know um is that helpful that is helpful i do have one last question because like like with this guy and i always end up feeling bad when i just i'm like this is not gonna work and this guy is very like emotionally invested. Like he really likes me. And now I don't know what to do. What does he like about you? I, he likes that confidence that I have and he likes my personality and we do have fun together, but he's very funny. I just, I don't want to have to like have. Yeah. But at some point you do have to be willing to communicate what you want. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I, I know it's not a perfect situation, but like, what if she'd be like, Hey, I've been kind of like putting it out there and you're not, you know,

doing anything about it. Like why? Yeah. I mean, is that so bad no no sometimes i don't i'm i hate to offend people yeah well that's that's something that's good that you can point that out but your on your your fear of offending people and that's playing a big role and your ability to set boundaries for yourself whether it's the asshole or the nice guy because either way you're worried about you know how i don't want to make them mad and because you're so worried about offending them you're not setting your boundaries and therefore you're not checking anyone that's such a good point so really work on that okay you know yeah speak your mind you're not

you're not being a dick just set your body and until you can do that you're not going to be able to set boundaries and if you can't set boundaries you're not going to be able to express yourself and show people all you want so you're going to have all these guys just kind of guessing and and and you know your guys who think they should are supposed to be super macho around you might overplay their hand and guys who want to be super respectful will overplay that hand and there might there are guys who are just she's still there all right there and there are guys who are just kind of soft right simpy for whatever you want to call who just haven't found their confidence and there are guys who are just kind of soft right simpy for whatever you want to call who just haven't found their confidence and there are guys who are just fucking pigs assholes jerks and

they think you know just you know the treat a girl like shit and you know like they're in those those extremes do exist right and and you're trying to and until you can express yourself you're not gonna be able to find the guys who are just like trying to, they're just trying to do what they think you want them to do, but you're not expressing yourself because you don't want to offend them. So they're just guessing and getting it wrong. Okay. Yep. That's a good point. So do that.

Okay. I will work on that. It's like literally nothing bad's gonna happen if if you hurt someone's feelings yes i i need to tell myself that especially the nice guy i think that's the hardest part is that hey bro like i'm trying to i'm trying to try to do some shit here like what what's going on you know and and then he's like oh i just you know i didn't know whatever and and that might be his probably his response right and then if the next time he's still real passive then you know that this guy is just too passive for you you've given him you know you're giving him the the green light and he's still like sitting in neutral then it's like, this guy just doesn't know how to step on the gas.

Yeah. Right. Right. And then the opposite's true of the guy who, who, who leads with a little bit more bravado. All right. Awesome. Thank you so much.

Hopefully that was helpful. It was, it was. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye.

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we had been dating for two years. Okay. And we were friends for three years before that. Uh-huh. And basically, I just think that I made a really big mistake breaking up with him. Over the last six months, I've kind of been thinking about stuff, going through stuff in my head, and I just, I think I messed it up. Why? head and I just I think I messed it up why because well I'll give you a bit of backstory of the relationship I guess um one second I just yeah let's start with before you get to the

backstory I don't know if we'll need it but when you broke up with them what were the reasons you broke up with them the reasons I broke up with him um, so we were working together at the time and he spent nearly every night at my house. So we were basically together 24 seven. There was like zero time to miss one another. It was just always. Um, and also I was his boss when we were together. so it just created a weird dynamic, um, in the relationship. We handled it pretty well, but every once in a while it would just kind of be just too much togetherness, if I could put it like that. Um, so we were having a bit of issues, um, just in that, I don't know, it felt like a bit of a rut. Like, um, it was just kind of the same thing every day, every day, every day, same thing. And so, um, I tried to express that to him and he, the first time just kind of was a little dismissive of it, not because he was doing it in a malicious way, but I just don't really think he, like it crossed his mind that things couldn't be perfect. Um, and so he just

didn't really know how to handle that conversation or what to say in that conversation. When I said I was having, you know, issues, you know, that to be a fact, or you're just telling yourself this now. Um, I know that because he after we talked again, a while later, once kind of things settled in a little bit with the issues that I was having, he's like, I just didn't know what to say that day, that kind of thing. So to be clear, the issues you broke up with him were 100% around the awkwardness and complications of being his boss and working together? No, not 100%. That was the biggest contributing factor, I guess. What else?

It was kind of weird in that like our friends and family knew we were dating, but we were also friends with a lot of people at work, but none of them could know we were dating because I was his boss. And social media, obviously, neither of us post anything on social media anyways, but it still was secret there too. And then I guess the biggest reason that kind of made me break up with him when I did is that the chances of him getting posted to somewhere very remote and far away are very high. Um, and so I was really afraid that if, you know, I'm already feeling a little bit wishy-washy about the relationship. What if he gets posted somewhere insane and six months down the line, I'm like, what if I don't love him enough to make that jump? And so I guess I was cutting my losses and making that decision for both of us that we wouldn't have to make that choice. He could do what was best for him and not resent me. And I could not resent him by making me go somewhere that I don't want to go, even though I still love him. So that was kind of the biggest reason behind it. Um, since then I found

out where he actually is going to be posted and it is in the middle of nowhere and it's about a thousand miles away from where we're both from. Um, and I find myself thinking that I wouldn't even care going there. Like I would, I would go there to be with him and you know, it's temporary. It's not gonna be forever in that place. Okay. So have you told him this or like what? No, I have not told him this. I, um, actually FaceTimed with him last night to just kind of catch up a little bit. Cause we

still talk now and then. Um, so what's the problem? I'm afraid to tell him that that's what I want to do just in case, like, I don't want to jump into it because it's one of those things that if I say this is how I'm feeling and this is what I want to do, it's all in. Like, it's not like, Oh, I'm kind of feeling this way. Cause like, I'm the one that broke up with him. I can't be the asshole. That's like, just kidding. And then, and then change my mind again or something like that. I can't do that. So I just want to make sure I'm so sure about it before I actually do it and tell him that. And he's nine years younger than I am. So he's 24. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the other thing I keep thinking like, Hey, when I was 24, I was engaged to a different person and I got married a year later. And so I'm like,

he has so much to live and so much like heartbreak and stuff to go through that he hasn't had the chance to experience and that I think everyone needs to experience but that's me putting that out there and that's not his viewpoint but I think it's great that you are are trying to think for you and and be empathetic to his feelings and that you've already probably put him through some emotional distress and, but you're still talking. So like,

let's be honest, if you're still in some sort of communication, he is choosing as an adult to, you know, burn some sort of flame for you. You know? I mean, like you're not pals, you know? So like, flame for you you know i mean like you're not pals you know so like

i'm sure you are friends but like you know that's not why you're still talking um all you can do is be honest i understand like in a perfect world you would know and like i hate it when people are just like you know once i know i'm 100 no you're not like no one is like things change like you might be someone who like doesn't know how to like go on you know like a reasonable speed you know and so you have to work on the fact that i'm either you know stepping on the gas or i i or i like detach myself that's not healthy but like you just got to be honest with him he's an adult right um it might take some sacrificing your part are you legit willing to move knowing that you guys could get it wrong are you ask yourself are you just impatient bored and usually when people break up with someone and then second guess their

decision it's because they're impatient with finding something better yeah i totally agree with that and i have always been a firm believer in your ex is your ex for a reason you broke up for a reason don't romanticize the good stuff and forget about the reasons why you broke up um but but yeah i mean if you broke up with them while you liked them and you were just trying to mitigate risk of the future you didn't know and now you're ready to accept that risk that might be a reason to reconsider i mean like you're asking me if there's a way you can go about this to ensure no feelings are hurt in the future then the answer is no like it's just you both just have to decide yeah yeah you seem self-conscious enough that you don't want to hurt him and you're not being cavalier

just the simple fact that you're calling it and asking means that you give enough of shits that you don't want to be a dick about it because a lot of people would just panic and call and be like, I'm so sorry, I love you. And they're just reacting. And you're not reacting. You were giving it some thought.

You felt this way for a while and now you're deciding what you want to do. So level with them. Like, hey, I don't know know you might not feel the same way but i've realized that you know this time without you and and has made me really second guess my you know um i don't i don't have any guarantees and you might change your feelings towards me and we probably have some things we have to work on but what i am sure of is that i i miss what we have or had and i i miss being a regular part of your life and i want to make the effort to see if we can build on this and see where it goes yeah that's all you can do

you know yeah i've i recognize that i would be willing to move if that's what you want. And that's, you know, and you know, make no mistake. I'm not, you know, you're not saying I love you. Let's get married tomorrow. I promise I'll, I'll never hurt you. Don't say, don't, don't say things, you know, not to be true. You don't know are true. So don't promise them forever. promise the fact that like you regret your decision for quitting on the relationship based off of fear and the unknown you promise not to do that again and if you guys decide that the relationship isn't going to work out if you do decide to get back together it will be based off of what you know in the moment and not what you're afraid might happen. Yeah. And he will have the right to, you know,

question that about you because what you have shown him is that you have been, you walked away with, based off of the unknown and the unknown is always going to exist. So, you know, he has a reason to be insecure about like,

well, how do I know you won't do this again that's just something you guys are gonna have to work through again totally absolutely i um i've been struggling with you know if i do decide to tell him when to actually tell him because he still has two more months being far away in training um and so yeah i i don't want to i don't want to like disrupt his everything he's doing he's focusing so hard and he's doing so well that i don't want to like be like hey surprise i'm still in love with you and you know put a wrench in his focus because he's doing so well well i don't know like you're still talking i mean again's talking to you. So he is choosing to talk to you, obviously.

So you have two choices. You could just tell him now and let him process. He's an adult. I mean, like, you know what? He can't, he can't focus on his,

like either, either he likes you or he doesn't. If he doesn't like you, he'll be like, Hey, listen, I, I think you're great. And I really't like you, he'll be like, Hey, listen, I, I think you're great.

And I really like our talks, but I realized that, you know, maybe this isn't for me. And that's something you'll have to process. And then you have to be nice and respectful about it and, and not be a dick and not throw things in his face. And,

or he is excited and hears, and then you're just like, all right, let's work through. He only has two months left. I mean, the short of you, the only thing you really want to prevent is you say this to him and then three

weeks later you like totally do a 180 and be like oh my god just kidding i don't want to move out again that would be a fucking dick move and that would probably fuck with him but i don't see a situation where you say you you give him all you he you know you you're vulnerable and you say this is how i feel you know i would like to keep talking to you and he either doesn't or he does either way he's in control of this decision it feels like a million percent right which is kind of it's kind of nice to have actually him in control of it because i feel like so much of our relationship i was inadvertently in control of stuff no I mean you know you're nine years older than him and and women tend to mature more than men so yeah being aware of the fact that like I got to make sure he

has a voice in this relationship because if you want a relationship with him regardless of your age difference it will have to be 50 50 in terms of the value you guys bring to the relationship. And you're not looking for someone you can mentor or babysit and coach him up to be a man. Like he's got a... So I think you're fine. It's good that you're being respectful.

So just do it in a way. And as long as you are 100% sure that you're not going to back out you know once you get the answer you want and then i think you're fine to do and express yourself however you feel yeah true that's true i think the hardest people to tell will be my friends and family if he does say yes be like see you later in like four years when this is done go to another province well just be really sure that's what you want and maybe give it another week to think about that or things like that so it's really hard to be honest with yourself when you're trying to get something

yeah yeah i guess so so like yeah like listen you still but you couldn't move there and and you guys just realize that like you guys don't have what it takes to make it work and you can leave and then he'll think you're an asshole like you know that's life um i guess it sounds like you're trying to be as empathetic and selfless as possible all while trying to, you know, get what you want from a relationship standpoint, which we all have the right to do. So I say, you know, just make sure and then go for it and, you know, see what he says. Fair enough. I'm glad to hear you say that. It was kind of what my mind was thinking anyways. And I always agree with everything you say on the show so i was like if i'm being an asshole nick will tell me i'm being an asshole so i'll ask him it sounds like you're trying not to be an asshole that's all you can

really do and there's no guarantee you know i can't predict the future and neither can you so so just stop you know uh you know quitting just because you're afraid of what could happen. Yeah, that's fair enough. Um, and again, just be honest, just try to be as honest with yourself as possible. Why you want this thing. And it is harder to be honest with yourself when you're trying to get something. Yeah. Well, I'm talking to a counselor to try to talk through my shit and, and that's helping as well. So hopefully all that together. It would be a tougher sell if you were like, I haven't spoke with him in four months and I have no idea how he feels. Like, it sounds like you guys are still in each other's lives where I feel like it's, this is not going to be some big, you know, moment. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know if you noticed but i still like talking to you surprise um so yeah true make a joke be like i was thinking about

moving to wherever the fuck yeah hey i was looking at housing prices. They're way better there because no one wants to live there. So maybe I might go buy a house there. Yeah. And there's always risk. You date someone younger, you might be in control now. But what happens in four or five years? Yeah, it's true. You're right, though. Everything's unknown, though. That's the thing. It is all unknown. All right. Well, I think you're right though everything's unknown though that's the thing it is all unknown yeah all right well i think you're gonna be okay cool best of luck well thank you thank you so much i appreciate it all right take care okay bye how's it going hi nick my name is claudia i'm 27 and I am from Warsaw, Poland.

Great. Welcome. How can I help? So just a quick backstory. I started dating a guy I work with and we agreed that we're exclusive, just FYI. Then he cheated. Then he broke up with me without telling me what was the real reason. But then only after I guessed. Yep. Then he broke up with me without telling me what was the real reason. But then only after I guessed. Yeah. Question. Did you know he cheated when he broke up with you?

No. So only after he broke up with me. But I was like, well, that's kind of sus. I don't I don't think that's that. Like, I couldn't believe he's reasoning because it was like, oh, we don't have anything in common. I'm like, that's just that's bullshit. But but then he was like don't do this to yourself and I'm like do what did you like fuck a girl at a party and he was like yes I did that so okay so I basically guessed and and that's what happened but it was like it's been like three months I found your podcast on TikTok

It's been like three months. I found your podcast on TikTok, obviously. But then I also started going to therapy before all of this happened. But I do have to admit that your podcast helped me a bit more than the therapy because you're just spitting facts. Great to hear. Therapy is so good, though. Yes, it's good. But then when you have someone like you don't like we don't talk directly but then i listen to other people's stories and they're like you're

just like you can relate um well it's great to hear so what's what's going on with this guy or what's what's what are you trying to figure out, it's been like three months since all of that happened. We still work together, but I'm in a really good place. And I look at him and I go like, ew. So I think that's a good place to be. Awesome. But I just kind of feel like I haven't fully moved on because I still seek attention from him. And I think behind like, behind that, there's, like, validation that I'm seeking,

and that's, like, my biggest issue. Yeah. And I kind of know, like, going through therapy, I kind of know that that comes from, like, insecurities and lack of self-confidence, and that's what making me seek the validation from a dude who slept with another girl while being in the relationship with me. But my question is, how do you actually start loving yourself so much that you don't need anyone else to love you like that and validate you?

Well, I mean, again, I think it's one of those things you got to be careful not to be too hard on yourself or over diagnose yourself right part of your problem is that you work with this guy right in a normal situation if you dated someone and and they cheated on you um and you found out and you broke up and and it sounds like all things being equal like you're doing okay right you're not like wondering why you know but you fucking see them every day and that's an every like you're doing okay right you're not like wondering why you know but you fucking see him every day and that's an every day you're reminded when you see him of this rejection that you felt or his choosing to have sex with someone else while in a relationship with you and you're and while you might be like you know this shit happens i don't know whatever like that's a him problem your ego's pissed right like you're it's an ego thing you know and i don't know if this is really like

and i'm there's a good chance that if you didn't work with them your ego wouldn't be reminded of how it was rejected right now if you're talking about like self-love and things like that, you know, we all, I think at times struggle with self-love, but I don't think like, I don't, it's, I think it's totally fine if we never get to a place where we love ourselves so much that we are indifferent to being hurt by people we care about. And you might, he might not have been the love of your life, right? But it hurt you and that's okay. It has only been three months and the ew that you feel is a good healthy thing

but the validation you seek is most likely your ego saying, see how much he regrets it. Your ego wants to test him. It wants the validation. It wants to see if he regrets it.'re like your ego wants to test him yeah it wants the validation it wants to see if he regrets it it's like you might not want him but you want him to be sorry for fucking up yes right how do you get to a place yeah you just have to you know keep your ego under control you just recognize that this is my ego this is not me and that you're always

going to have an ego and sometimes like we we spend a lot of time talking about ego and stuff like ego's not always bad. You know, ego can be, you know, help you motivate you to being your best self, like self-love, right? We talk a lot about self-love and accepting yourself. Now, personally, I don't think self-love stops at just simply looking in the mirror and being like I love everything about you like I don't know I don't love everything about me there are things that I have that are weaknesses and shortcomings now control what you can control like you know there's things that that I am who I am and I have to accept and love that for for you know I have to accept and love me for that, right? But I think

real self-love comes with like, well, also what things could I do better in control? Like I love myself enough to do things for myself, to invest in myself, whatever that is. I don't know what it is, right? So to me, self-love comes from recognizing your insecurities and then of the insecurities I have, what could I do about that? You know, if you're insecure about your fitness level, well, that's something you can do, right? If you're insecure about, you know, like how you talk to the other sex or communicate, like you can read books or practice and get to know friends you you know if you're insecure about your job and your your you know you can invest in courses and classes

you know like if you're insecure about the size of your forehead well yeah you're just gonna have to live with it just get banks yeah just get bank you know what i'm saying there's certain things so like loving to me self-love has to do with acknowledging your insecurities, accepting the things you can't control and doing something about the things you can, right? You know, I think that's like an AA mantra or whatever, but there's a lot of truth to it. And I think some people stop at the, you know, well, if I love myself, I will just look in the mirror and say, I love you.

And then they're lying to themselves because there's things they're not okay with, but they're too afraid or don't have the strength to do something about it. And they have to find the strength, right? You know, if you are, if you're insecure about, uh, like you're getting older and you're aging and you smoke every day, well, you could, that might be hard, but like smoking ages you and it's very unhealthy and i think you're like you've got to do something about it or you don't but like you know self-love is not just loving that you are a smoker kind of thing well i also think that this has a lot of to do with the fact that which i only realized after all of this happened that i'm not very familiar with rejection like one of your biggest red flags is the fact that someone has never been broken up

with and that's that's me like all of my biggest really bigger relationships ended just like mutual and i've never been fired from a job. So I figured that. So this is such a win. This is such a great opportunity that you're just kind of. Right. Yeah. Someone rejected me. That's an ego thing.

You know, if you never fear, if you never face disappointment, then your ego goes unchecked. It just becomes this thing that is, you know, and we all have to continue to manage our egos you know we don't want to eliminate our ego again because it can give us

confidence it can give us motivation it can keep us sharp um it can stop us from getting lazy right and and too comfortable with our surroundings because, you know, but you just, you have to. Managing your ego is a constant thing. It's nothing that you're ever going to master or should, right? And this opportunity, the fact that you got cheated on is a reminder and probably a good thing for you. So, you know, I just think the fact that you work with this guy,

you should be aware of the fact that that's not a normal, most people don't have to deal with that. So you run the risk of this situation, your ego always being in some way invested in the situation because you're just constantly reminded of it. So like if you, so like you have the self-awareness to say like, ew, right? So every time you're like, wow, fuck, why did I do that? Why did I like go out of my way to seek his validation?

And you just be like, eh, my ego, right? But like, yeah, self-love is never going to get you the point. Like, you know, like you're almost framing your question. Like, how do I love myself so much that I never have an ego or I won't care about these things? Eventually, like this is not about self-love. This is about just controlling your ego, right? This is about like having a situation that, you know, you work with this guy and you notice you're doing this thing and you don't know why because you don't even like him anymore and just saying well

that's my ego just acting up and i don't think it means you don't love yourself right you know no so so basically what you're saying is just like stop in the moment and be like why am i doing this to myself yeah and just recognizing it's your ego right and that's your answer because you're saying is just like stop in the moment and be like why am i doing this to myself yeah and just recognizing it's your ego right and that's your answer because you're like you're literally asking the question why am i doing this great ego all right well i can move on and have lunch and think about something else you know but seriously but sometimes people don't like have the self-awareness to recognize their ego and then they're like why am i why do i do i like him why maybe i don't know like is it me you know like you start going

on this rabbit hole of questions and self-doubt but like don't be afraid to just recognize you have an ego and and and recognizing you have an ego stops you from like thinking you need to work on self-love I mean it's always great to work on self-love like great like it's always good to keep checking in with yourself and making sure that you are accepting yourself for who you are and you're not being too hard on yourself but not recognizing your ego like you run the risk of being like well i have to you know be harder myself because i shouldn't feel this way i i shouldn't you know seek his attention and that must there must be something wrong with me there's nothing wrong with you just have an ego you know and you're just not used to this. And then you're also in a situation

where we're constantly reminded. So I don't think it's that big of a deal. I think it's just recognizing it and then checking yourself, just saying no to yourself, stop it. You know, you've essentially met your ego. You know, you being cheated on was like, hey, well, nice to meet you for the first time.

You were always there, but I just never really, we never spoke and now we can. And now I know how to meet you for the first time you were always there but i just never really we never spoke and now we can and now i know how to control you um so use this information as you go out and date and and yeah you should you should be better for it if you you know if you uh just keep checking in all right all right yeah all right well congratulations what a what a great moment for you in your life thank you thank you all right uh and then like yeah the fact that you work with them like it sucks but you know don't don't fall uh yeah just no it's good because he gained a lot of weight and he's just like ew that's your ego talking though it doesn ew. That's your ego talking though. It doesn't matter. That's your ego.

You're literally, that was you. Your ego popped up, took over your body and said, you know, seriously. So when you get, again, get better at recognizing that. It's like people always ask me, how am I good at getting advice? Because I, when you say that, that's what I hear. Like, I don't even see you anymore. I see your ego. Like you're lying to yourself and these little lies we tell ourselves so you know practice that

you know that's all all right well do all right take care best of luck thanks for calling thanks bye-bye how's it going. How's it going? Good. What's your name? How are you? I'm Heather, 33. Hi, Heather. How can I help? All right.

So I have been separated from my ex-husband since January, going through a divorce currently. So I moved on to a dating site pretty quickly after the separation um the marriage was definitely over long before then but um and uh got that like um get over to get under person out of the way and then was actually talking to another guy at the same time and like we had this like connection it was weird we like had like not a lot in common but like could talk about a lot of things in common and uh he was a bud tender so he worked at a dispensary so we had like a huge weed connection going on and always talked about hanging out and smoking we like talked on the phone for like hours sometimes like after work and like

I would get like good morning messages we would send voice messages like long voice messages or whatever and then um he lived 20 minutes away and we didn't meet we we talked about meeting we never met um and it stayed like that kind of consistent like every day talking a lot like the morning messages were like a lot and then um his grandma passed away so just to summarize what we have so far yeah separated from your husband going through the divorce process had a nice little hook up get it out of your system that person moved on then you connected through to another person via dating apps okay so i met both of them on the dating app at the same time okay that's fine yeah yeah okay but the person who's sending you these morning messages and a lot of like heavy you know yeah heavy stuff in the morning

messages long conversations that lived 20 minutes away that you hadn't met yeah it was someone you met on a dating app and yes he was somebody i met okay go ahead okay so then his grandma passed away and she was from california so he left he was gone for a couple weeks and when he came back we didn't have we didn't like conversate in the same way like the consistency like every morning and she was from California. So he left. He was gone for a couple of weeks. And when he came back, we didn't have we didn't like conversate in the same way, like the consistency, like every morning. But we like we followed each other on Instagram. He actually liked my pictures while we were on the phone, just like laughing that we had followed each other. And then we snapchatted each other like three or four times a week, responded to each other. Like I would say even to this day, like we still talk in some sort of communication like two or three times a week

but not the way it was okay so up until his grandma passed him living 20 minutes away how long was this like heavy communication going on for like three weeks maybe four and why did you guys not make an attempt to meet in person so for me and i know this was like i didn't expect to have that connection with him because i was literally went on to a dating app for the post get on you know like the post sex thing or post breakup sex or whatever and so i had kind of told him that like my energy, I was trying to get my energy right and kind of like get rid of like the negative stuff from my marriage or whatever. And I wasn't quite ready to like share energy with him yet because it was

like more than just a casual connection. Like there was like, regardless, we were going to be friends so did he did he make an attempt to meet up with you in person and you were more like hey i'm just not ready or i mean we talked about it a lot on the phone and like i just i think we just kind of came to an understanding like i wasn't ready he was going through like some weird stuff with his ex-girlfriend and it just I think we were good with what we were talking you know like I don't know okay we could have we should have just to be clear there was an actual conversation around it and from your point of view there was kind of

a mutual like it's not the right time to meet in person yeah but like I wanted to sure but you just no doubt and maybe he did too but you guys did talk about it and then decided that we're not doing it yet. But the heavy text messages still continued up until his grandma passed away. And then now you're still talking to him. But the intensity has diminished. Yes. OK. Then he comes back to he went to California, came back to Colorado,

was back here. And then that's when we were like, okay, we're going to meet up before, because he would planned on moving back to California in August. So it was a deal. We were going to meet up. We were going to make it happen. We just didn't plan anything. Well, like on Instagram, I noticed that he was back in California. So like I hit him up and I was like, hey, like you left. He's like, yeah, crazy roommate situation he was back in California. So, like, I hit him up and I was like, hey, like, you left. He's like, yeah, crazy roommate situation. Had to bounce real quick. It was like literally like decided one day and left the next.

So, obviously, we're not meeting. So, like, the conversation, like, we still talk, like, whatever. Well, my ex decided to creep on my Instagram, saw that this guy liked my picture, saw that we followed each other, went to this guy's Instagram and blew him up in the middle of the night, like sent him crazy messages. Like my ex was toxic. So I was just mortified. And like, we had never talked about how toxic my marriage was. So this guy just kind of went, you know, okay. And then I messaged him like, I'm so sorry. Like, you know, like it's a few months in now. He's realizing it's really over. So he's like losing his mind.

He laughed it off and just was like, well, I should have replied like that's your ex-wife and I should have fucked her when I could have. And I was like, but he didn't say that to him. Like he didn't he didn't send that message. And I was just like, OK, OK. But like we. Like he didn't, he didn't send that message. And I was just like, okay. Okay. But like, we had so many chances to just even meet up, but okay. And you still, have you ever met this guy yet in person?

No. Okay. No. All right. So then like he, he also creates music. So then my ex goes to his YouTube and is like, oh, these lyrics are about my wife and like weird stuff, just like mortifying me. And I'm like, this guy's never going to talk to me again.

It's fine. Like, okay, there goes that friendship or whatever. And then instead he's like, you should just fly out here to San Diego and we'll just like go on a bunch of dates and hang out and like our friendship chemistry. Like, cause we FaceTimed, like we video chatted before he left and everything. Oh, so you FaceTimed. This is not just text. So, you know, he's real. So off the bat, we know. Yeah, no, we've like, we talked chatted before he left and everything you face down this is not just text so you know he's real so off the bat we know yeah no we've like we've talked on the phone we video

chatted like we follow each other on every social media and so and now he's not 20 minutes away now he's in san diego yeah so did he ask me that because i'm not 20 minutes away anymore and like i would have to fly all the way to californ go see him. Like why now? Where are you? Huh? Where are you? Colorado. Okay. And that's your question is like why?

Yeah. So like what made him like and now he's just like then we talked for like two solid days straight. I got good morning messages again and like just was like hitting me up talking like we should should have like we should have linked up we should have like made it a point and i'm like but because my ex blew you up that's why we should like i'm confused yeah i mean i i i'm sorry to bum you out i don't have like here's exactly what's going on and here's what he's going to do i mean i do have things I can tell you to do or not do. I mean, listen, I think it's super weird for people to text super intense romantic things and have never met in person.

But was it romantic? Like we never had like... All right, I can't wait to... Or sexual, like, I mean, whatever you're describing is... Was it heavy? We didn't, we never traded nudes. We never, there was never even a sexual conversation. So give me an example of what he was texting you in the morning.

Well, I hate my job, unfortunately. So he would just like encourage me to have a good day and like talk about what he was doing at work. Send me a bunch of pictures of like flowers and, you know, because he worked at a dispensary. And, you know, it was like a friend thing. It was like very good friend chemistry. Like I didn't really see a romantic side of it and i'm attracted to him that's for sure you know like but i mean i think here's what you should do like stop trying to figure out things that have so many unknowns

right we can sit here and gas yeah right you can call your girlfriends be like what do you think and be like oh my god like i know the exact same situation and project things that they hope happen in their life right right this is a guy who you've had some communication with he seems to have shown an interest in your life you have a lot of knowns you have a lot of unknowns in your life as well he might be sitting here thinking i don't know talk to this chick she seems cool i'm attracted to her i don't know she's got some going through a divorce i don't know like you know also he's got shit going on in his life think of all the other things that you have going on in your life that don't relate to him and like you haven't met him so he's not the center of your universe and you're not the center of his universe. So what you do is you decide for yourself,

do I want to meet this guy? I don't, you know, do you have an invite to meet him? Sure. Now you can go to San Diego and not like him. He could not like you. It might not live up to the expectations both of you have and there will be expectations whatever they are if you decide to hook up with him there just know as we've talked about before there are no guarantees

there are no assurances whatever text you whatever he's feeling in the moment whatever you're feeling you don't have an established emotional connection or foundation there's no real trust there's no real relationship it's just fun exciting You're all in each other's feelings and feelings are confusing. So if you decide to hook up with them, just know you're doing it for yourself because you like him. If you decide, I really like this guy and I don't want to just hook up with you because I want to see where this goes, then decide that for yourself. If you do decide to hook up with him he will like decide what he thinks about having sex with you as part of his decision if he wants to keep hanging out

with you because he doesn't have enough information i'm not going to tell you whether he's going to keep hanging out with you or not again a lot will have to do with how everything else is going you just have to decide to hook up with them for yourself knowing that there are no guarantees well and i'm about that life right now because i'm single i'm not ready for a relationship i just like and i know like i've heard you talk like if guys and girls can really be just platonic friends well so what do you want out of this is that what you want you want a friendship i mean like i i love it like i would be down to go and go out to san diego and just hang out with him like no expectations but then he throws in like the date thing and i'm like i would like to have not have that expectation that it has i don't think you should fly to san diego for a guy

that you want to be pals with i would make make a whole trip out of it. My best friend would go with me. It wouldn't be just about you. I mean, listen, that's the thing. It's just like, how many times have you met a, you know, I mean, you're straight, yeah? Bi, I'm bisexual. Oh, okay, you're bisexual. Okay, whatever.

So for you, you could be attracted to men and women, but if I'm a straight, as a straight guy, I don't fly out to visit women I'm interested in a platonic relationship with and vice versa. That's true. So as a bisexual person, you have to decide and set boundaries for yourself. While you might be physically attracted to men and women, you're also friends with men and women and you still have platonic relationships. So you have to set those boundaries for yourself

and be honest with yourself about what your expectations are. That's the only thing you can control. You can sit there and guess all these things that he might want. But even if you ask him, it's unclear whether he might not know what he wants, right? Like, yeah, let's be friends, sure.

You know, I don't know. You've never met this guy in person. How do you, you might, you might meet him in person and like just love his musk and his, you know, whatever. And you're just like, you gotta have, you gotta, you gotta have him. You might, who knows?

So if you just like embrace the freedom that you have is a recently separated married woman and, and just take life as it comes. You know, you, you're, you're calling and asking me, well, what do you think is going on? I don't fucking know. And neither do you. And that's overthinking and that's okay. Well, what's, what's the worst that could happen? You know, the odds are this has got, this is a guy who is just going to be a stepping stone yeah yeah you hooked up with a guy you got the like i needed to have sex with someone else out of your way but you might have more of those it's not like you have sex with one dude and now you're

ready to like have sustainable relationships whether it's a platonic friendship or whether it's a romantic relationship so just if you're interested go to san diego and if you have friends they're great you know just say hey you know what you have friends in san diego yeah well my my my best friend and i would go together and we would see her friends so yeah kind of so there you go so you make it to you plan a trip to san diego that's not just about seeing this guy okay right and then you let them know and be like i definitely want to see you. A part of me coming out here is to see you. Like, don't play it so cool. Be like, I'm just happened to be in San Diego, you know, because you don't know. There's a chance, like there's a chance you go

with your girlfriend to San Diego and this guy ghosts you, disappears. Everything's on the table. We don't know. You know, this guy has, as he already told you, he's on the table we don't know you know this guy has as he already told you he's been a bit inconsistent a little hot and heavy with morning texts then after grandma dies he disappears and who knows maybe he was going through something we don't know yeah so just like see where it goes don't nothing can possibly disappoint you because you have very little expectations about a situation you have very little information on. So you're just being realistic with your expectations. So this is a really good time to be really just, if love finds you, great, but don't be looking for it right now and just enjoy life and then still process your divorce, still deal with that.

So that if you do meet someone that like you don't bring unnecessary stresses into the relationship you know kind of why i didn't meet him in the beginning you know because i didn't want to like carry that but either way that stress found found him anyway so you know just sadly just take it i mean the biggest take it take it easy on yourself over you know and when you are overthinking thinking about what is the thing that i'm most afraid about what's causing me to overthink what's the anxiety that's creating this overthinking like if when you're overthinking there's something that you're pining over and there's something that you're afraid to happen and what is that thing and then answer that question and just be honest with yourself

okay i'll definitely do that all right thank you all right appreciate it best of luck good luck i didn't ask you for no marriage advice because i know what you would have said so yeah well usually if you have to ask me we know the answer um yeah yeah all right well best of luck hey congratulations on the divorce enjoy this period in your life if you see it as exciting, it will be exciting. Yes. And it has been thus far. So I appreciate it.

Best of luck. Okay. Nice to meet you. You too. Bye-bye. What a home run episode. Congratulations to me. Thank you for listening.

Can't thank our callers enough. Hey, don't forget to send in your questions. Ask Nick at castmedia.com. Cast with a K. Certainly need those questions. Keep them coming. Keep them interesting.

We can't thank you enough for being so vulnerable. Don't forget to rate us five stars. We'll be back tomorrow again with Chris Schell Staus recapping The Bachelorette. Peace. Bye.