The Viall Files - E283 Ask Nick - You’re Manipulating Yourself Into Staying

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we first speak with someone who has been with her boyfriend for 7 years. After having 2 kids together she wants to get married, but he is happy with the way things are. Second, we speak with someone who is in a good relationship, but after a year of dating he still does not want to meet her family or introduce her to his and says he is not ready for commitment. Third, we speak with someone who posted her view on a political issue and then got a text from her boyfriend that he was taking his stuff and leaving. Unfortunately, it turns out it's an 8 year toxic relationship with deeper wounds that need some serious help and healing. Finally, we chat with someone who is wondering how she can have more success dating because she may be writing people off too soon thinking there are red flags where there may not be.  “A relationship doesn’t really start until there are expectations. ” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Shipstation http://shipstaation.com use code VIALL for 60 day free trial  Masterclass: http://www.masterclass.com/VIALL for 15% off an annual membership  Noom: http://www.noom.com/VIALL to sign up for your trial  Brooklinen: http://wwwbrooklinen.com enter promo code VIALL to get $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100.  OUAI: http://www.ouai.com to get 15% off your entire purchase.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Welcome to another fantastic episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition with all your favorite dating stories and advice. Hope you guys had a great weekend. If you're listening on Monday, if not, I hope your day is as beautiful and as enjoyable as it possibly could be. We always appreciate you guys choosing us um so so thank you uh how's the team doing everyone ellie amanda chrissy what's going on what's new i feel like i say good every week and that's so boring but i don't know what else i'm supposed to say like it's been rough like my life sucks maybe you need to spice up your life i don't know

i'll give ali some of my spice i would like less spice please what's wrong amanda my ex is moving to la and right now we're on really good terms and we don't talk a ton but i have we left the relationship with very high opinions of one another and it was just a really great way to end and i'm worried it's gonna get weird now why i just because now it's like we have to navigate whether or not we're gonna see each other no you don't wait why why you don't have to well because i just mean that like we're friends how and to what degree you're are you friends um i would say well we've been taking space recently like for the past few months because we didn't want to we didn't think it would be like realistic to transition right from a relationship to friendship so you have an active

goal of having a real friendship with this guy why yeah i would say so but why but you haven't talked to him enough in the last few months to be able to make an assumption that once he gets there, that automatically the two of you are supposed to be hanging out. Well, the problem is, is that you have an active

and potentially unrealistic goal. I mean, it's good to have the goal, but like, do you recognize the challenge there or no? Or do you just assume, I know you're a confident person, do you just assume that it's a foregone conclusion that someday you guys will be able to be best platonic friends? No. And I think best friends is probably unrealistic. Close friends. To what degree is your expectation of this friendship?

I think it was just because our breakup wasn't a big fight. It was like a really sort of honest and open conversation. And so we were able to leave the relationship with like a lot of mutual like respect and care for one another. And so I think it's more just this idea that like, I don't hate this person at all. Like, I think I still think a lot of the good qualities that I appreciated during our relationship do translate to having like a great friend in my life. I think it's just a matter of what that actually looks like. Yeah, but everything you're saying is fantastic,

but there's something about your fears coming from, if my guess is, is knowing you, is this your ego, right? And thinking most people can't be friends with their exes, but I'm cool enough to be able to do that. And you have some sort of expectation of what that friendship looks like. And as you said, like, you're wondering,

okay, if I see him, how are we going to be able to just be friends? And how are we going to be able to cross the line? And I think it sounds like you're acknowledging you're not sure if you're there yet. Yeah, I think in my head, I always thought I didn't ever think we were going to end up in the same city. So I thought it would be we would be the kind of friends where we call each other once every six months, have like a three hour talk, shooting the shit, like talking about, you know, kind of all of our favorite stuff. And like, that's what the friendship looks like. So I

think it is that like, what is when we're in person? What if there's a disconnect in like how much? Why do you have to be in person? I think it's just. You still do that if he lives. LA is a big city. He could live in, I don't know, El Segundo. You can live wherever you live.

He could also live like a few blocks away from you. You don't have to get together in person. Like if you're having this many doubts, just like, I just don't have to get together in person like if you're having this many doubts just like i just don't understand why you would invite that stress into your life yeah it's not i guess it's because she has an expectation yeah she you she she's decided on some level subconscious or not of what this friendship is going to be and she you're it sounds like you're determined to have that friendship and him moving here has potentially altered that plan because the space in the distance that you guys had provided that, that limitation. It was like, it was gonna, it sounds like it was that the long distance was

going to help you from yourself. Like it was going to be a, your safety net from a lack of of uh self-control that you might not have with him yet and since you were determined to have this friendship that this like three-hour chat every six months like i think it was pretty i think it was pretty mutual like both of us like wanting to be friends because again like we left the relationship liking each other like still you're both having unrealistic expectations yeah i think it's just i think nick like you talk like we talk about this a lot like loyalty where it's like i don't think i lost loyalty for this person obviously i lost loyalty from like a romantic standpoint but he's still someone i like root for 500 percent i my my very first girlfriend who i haven't talked to in a decade. I root for her.

I hope she's happy. If she called me and she never would nor need to and said, I don't know who else to call. I need your help. I would try. Whatever, you know, if it was appropriate to help her, because I as a human being, I care about her because I do respect her. And there's a part of me that will, I guess, always care care for her in that regard i don't even know who she is today but i still like value the part the role she played in my life you know and and uh maybe you will be friends with this guy but it's your it's your determination to be friends with him and the expectation of being a friend of them

that's tripping you up it sounds like because you're you keep saying well i have we we broke up mutually like we have such a respect for each other that's great they're like they're that's amazing there's nothing bad about that and you're almost saying is it like that's that's like well god it sucks because i respect him. And he's moving here. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think it more feels like as far as breakups go, I was really surprised at how it felt like a best case scenario. And so now it's like being threatened because it's getting shaken up.

And to be clear, I feel like it's a pretty mutual thing to want to be friends. So it's not like me trying to force a friendship with someone who's like, can we separate like i think they're both of us like would love to if there is a way to maintain sure but you oh well that's the thing where if if there is an expectation like you both could be guilty of the same thing right if it truly is mutual and if there truly is just a platonic respect now you guys could still not be ready to be friends and keep the respect but if one let's say he moves to la you guys run into each other and one person wants to hang out and the other person is not ready and the person who

wants to hang out gets mad or pissy about it or critical or like whatever then they're not as, you know, then it wasn't as mutual as that person thought. Right. So you have to allow the truth to be that like, well, there's respect that you guys aren't ready to be friends. You may never be ready, even if you have the goal to be friends. And it's that it's you have an expectation and that's what you are struggling with because no matter what, you are determined to be friends with this guy. It doesn't matter if he agrees or not, but it's the expectation that's tripping you up, it sounds like. I don't know. That's most of my guess.

Try to let go of the expectation of a friendship and just be thankful that you guys are on good terms. Okay. Okie dokie. I could be wrong. We do have a great episode for you. More of the same. Great callers, great questions, even better answers. We appreciate you guys tuning in.

Don't forget to subscribe wherever you listen to our podcast. Tell your friends, share on social. We can't thank you enough for doing it. We always know that there are so many podcast options out there so also we have a great week for you this week dave holmes will be with us uh tonight tomorrow wherever you listen to your bachelor recaps breaking down uh week four of the bachelorette and on wednesday katie the bachelorette will be with us to uh get to know katie a little bit more obviously i'm sure we'll talk about what we've seen in the season so far what we can expect,

but more importantly, a deeper dive into who is Katie, what makes her tick, her passions, fears. Maybe she will give us some tea. We don't know. We'll find out. It'll be great.

Tune in on Wednesday. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, I'm Jen. Hi, Jen. And I'm 23 years old.

How can I help, Jen? Okay, so I am young, but I have been in a serious relationship for next month will be seven years. Okay. And we have two children together, a three-year-old and a seven-month-old okay and we're not married so that's kind of my biggest dilemma i mean we have spoken about it and that's good i would like to be married you want to be married but we're not okay and so basically we were in some debt um up until the beginning of this year like credit card debt really junky debt and um so that was always his excuse is like well we're in debt we're in debt that this doesn't make sense

it doesn't make sense and so and we're not in debt and it's been six months and i think if we're debt free and you can go get a ring you jump on that because we've been together for seven years so now i'm trying to figure out how to get him to ask you to marry him i mean yeah or am i selfish if like i'm like if you don't want to i'm leaving because we do have a family sure yeah very confusing situation potentially let me ask you why do you want to get married to him so we can be a unit like a family as one i don't have the same last name as my kids either now you know all right in the hopes that we would have been married yeah what else i guess it doesn't change that much right let me let me mostly but like let me okay why do you specifically want to be committed to this man for the rest of your life?

I guess for me, it just represents stability and a unit, a family unit for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get that that's valid. And a commitment. Yeah, and a commitment. I come from a broken home, so a commitment that we're in this together

with our two children forever yeah what about him do you want to be married to him for the rest of your life i get i get the unit i mean i just got a dog i got a girlfriend and i'm loving the whole family dynamic feels real good yes totally get it right so i can only imagine having that security and that actual family with your husband. But once again, what about him and the way he makes you feel and the relationship you have with him, not your kids, right? We'll put unit, family, stability. Well, that's one and that's valid and it's good. What else?

What do you, give me reasons why you want to be married to him. I mean, we've been together for seven years and we've been through everything together, really. I mean, since we were kids, you know. And we've just been each other's like rock in this. And I mean, he's great to me. And everything else about our relationship is honestly perfect. We're happy.

We do everything together. is honestly perfect we're happy we um do everything together and um honestly we've just been each other's person so for me and for me it feels like he's my person right like my go-to when i need anything or um everything like the first person i pick up the phone to call when i have something to say so for me it feels like that's my person. I want to spend forever with them. They make me feel good. And like, I want the commitment. So I'm like, okay, does he not feel that way about me? But it's been seven years.

The fact that you've been together for seven years and the fact that you have kids together, don't take this the wrong way, but doesn't mean anything as it relates to how he feels about you today. He might be so desperately in love with you, he can't even handle himself. And quite frankly, you don't want the only reason

for him to propose to you because you've been together for seven years and because you have two kids. That should not be reason number one. I definitely don't want that to be the only reason nor do i want to bring it up so many times that he just decides to do it i want it to come from him yeah and and i i don't want it to be the only reason or the main reason you want to get married to him right right like this relationship started when you guys were 16, 15.

You didn't really barely knew yourselves, you know, and it's great that you guys have each other and it's great. You have these kids and it's good that you feel this way about him. But it's important that I personally think it's important that you guys, you to be very honest with yourselves about how you feel about each other the excitement you guys have for each other or don't have for each other you can say listen because we have these kids i don't not so much for the seven years but because we have this family i wanted you know however you might feel about each other today because like listen seven years like you guys are used to each other it's easy to take each other for granted and all these things but you can and that any relationship is gonna have that master class that's right hey oh god it's always fun to learn and it's really fun to learn from the best in the business and truly masterclass is making that happen with their amazing courses

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No grueling early mornings or huge chunks out of your day. Start building better habits with healthier long-term results. Sign up for your trial at Noom.com slash V-I-A-L. That's N-O-O-M dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. So recognizing that and just saying, because we have this, I want to make sure that we go out of our way to fall in love with each other over again. I think couples should make an actual attempt to...

I like something, my girlfriend and I have been only together for, we don't really have an anniversary, but we've been in each other's lives for going on almost two years now, right? And I still, especially as we get comfortable living together and settling into this relationship, which is nice to have that comfort, I still like, and we both like talking about how we met,

right, we like talking about that excitement because it for for me it just keeps it I feel like we're just kind of sharpening and making sure that we're not ever taking each other for granted right so I think those are conversations that to have with with your you know your boyfriend and just make sure like how are you it sounds like you don't really feel very confident about how he feels about you no i mean luckily we do have a lot of like family help so it's not my mom or his mom or we have siblings like we're able to escape for date night once a week which is huge with two kids you know yeah so i am confident but i guess my only doubt comes

from like well why hasn't it happened? Because everything else makes me believe it should have already happened. Like there's no big red flags. Have you asked him? Yeah. And his answer is? Well, we don't like, well, we just got out of that debt. Like we're going to start saving up. Like it's just we'll got out of that debt. Like, we're going to start saving up.

Like, it's just we'll always reflect back to that. We're not in the best financial position possible. No one is. You know, a lot of people are. No one is. That's exactly where I'm at. Especially 30 years ago, 20 years ago, people got married when they were broke as shit and figured it out.

Exactly. They had kids when they were broke as shit and they figured it out. That's the part that makes me start to think okay that's kind of a bs excuse and i'll even go as far as to say like tell his sister oh i'll invite you to my wedding even though it won't be to your brother and then like he'll joke like oh you'll be invited to mine we have kids together and i'm like well i'll be married long before you you take a while like you guys do that to each other yeah we're so sarcastic sometimes about it. Yeah, but be careful about that

because there's some truths in there and there's a passive aggressive. You're not doing it to be sarcastic or to just be funny, ha, ha, ha. You're doing it because you want to see how he reacts. You are being passive aggressive. It's a way for you to try to express your feelings to him as opposed to saying hey i got some real insecurities

about us sometimes and it's centered around the fact that like yeah like you know now that we are out of debt like i don't want to pressure you in a sense i don't want to like give you ultimatum but just friendly reminder like i want this for us i love you you are my person and you know what and just be honest with me tell me what are reasons other than debt you're not ready to get engaged and it's okay if you're not husband or boyfriend i just want to i just just tell talk open space here oh let's, we, we owe it to each other. We've been together for this long. Like I want it to be really easy for you to tell me exactly how you feel.

And I, I can't promise I won't be disappointed in your answer, but I can promise that I will respect it and I will handle my feelings in a way that will just, all right, fine. You tell me I have some insecurities or fears about this you tell me about that that might hurt my feelings but let's just talk and see where it goes right um okay because i think you guys have a lot of pressure being a young couple that's it's all you've ever known there's a lot of pressure on well we should be together we should be married we should do this and then having that pressure of doing things you think you should do is gonna cause you guys to ignore any potential small problems that you have right right even for yourself you might be feeling

a certain way about him he might not be doing something you want to you know and my fear for you is that because you're just like oh we're out of debt i don't know you get engaged and like you know i fucking hate it when he does this but whatever i'm not gonna make it a big deal right now because i don't want to ruin like this trajectory of like i'm so close to like getting him to propose like i don't want to i don't want to ruffle anything so i don't want to point out things that are bothering me so i'll just ignore it you know so you don't want to ruffle anything, so I don't want to point out things that are bothering me, so I'll just ignore it. So you don't want to do that.

So I think you should just try to stop being passive-aggressive, stop making these sarcastic jokes, thinking you're so funny, but what you really want to do is just find out how he's feeling and just sit down and say can we talk about us we had half of the conversation you said i guess the big part is for me to say like take out the debt and tell me your other reasons because we had a little bit of that conversation not that long ago and um aside from the debt he's like well in my mind it has to be like this huge big thing because it's been so long coming and it's just never gonna amount to that so I'm just he says it's like a head game for him so that's where I'm like okay is it though or are these the excuses to not

wanting to do it like have you have you set over the past seven years have you and it's okay if you have have you been like oh i want my wedding day to be so special and amazing no okay so there you go that's not a valid excuse for i mean i've just i've really just said like i want my nails done yeah and honestly i want to open up yeah at this point i'm like i'll take a ring pop or a fake diamond or whatever so you know we can just be one whole and i feel like no it doesn't really matter what any of the rest is at this point it's gonna feel it's gonna feel you know i'm gonna feel the same butterflies and amazing feelings i'm gonna feel regardless of the situation i know that for a fact i just think presenting him and keep like,

it's great that you tried, you had this conversation, have it again and keep reinforcing. Like, is, is there anything else? It's okay. I just want to know,

because again, I, I don't care about that. I just care about you. Just care about us, you know? And, uh,

and regardless, even if he asks you to, if you, even if proposes, like, I think, you know, being a young couple and regardless, even if he asks you to, if you, even if proposes, like, I think, you know, being a young couple that's only had each other, I think it's really important to not just take the relationship for granted that you've only like, well, you only had each other that you're really going to have to, you're, you guys are still growing as individuals. So you're going to have to check in and make sure you're still growing together

because if you don't check in, if you don't like attempt to re-fall in love, you know, and that doesn't mean you stop loving each other. It just means like let's, you know, and have these very vulnerable conversations, you run the risk of things getting stale.

So just keep asking them like, is there anything, it's okay if there's something else. Maybe think for yourself about things despite you knowing you want to get engaged things that like you might be is there any there's nothing that makes you nervous about him that he does or doesn't do or refuses to change that you're like how this is going to be a big thing to put up with for the rest of my life if it never changes? No, not for me.

I've also been in therapy for the past three years from my childhood traumas and stuff. And I come from a broken family without both parents. And his parents are recently divorced. So I wonder maybe, for me, it plays the opposite role that maybe it's playing for him.

Whereas like my parents aren't together. I want that stability for me and for my children. This seems like it's it for me. Whereas maybe for him. And I'm totally like assuming here because his parents are recently divorced. He's scared of it. Maybe. I mean, listen, I'm fucked marriage.

There are no it's a risk yeah right um you know and you guys are still young people brooklinen hey it's summer it's hot and why don't you get one of those all-season comforters from brooklinen that makes you still feel cozy yet not hot i don't even know how that's possible well brooklinen makes it happen they also have amazing sheets hand towels their loungewear is super comfortable i mean it's truly amazing every time i give it a gift for someone they call me i'm like where the fuck what is this what is this and i'm like i don't know it's brooklinen it's amazing uh it's truly the eighth wonder of the world you will not regret it over 75,000 five-star reviews

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to get 15 off your entire purchase so just having the conversation more than once is not being pushy and yeah i mean it's just how you approach it. I guess my biggest advice to you is try to keep the dialogue open. Got it. Right? I get that you're feeling impatient, and that's fair to feel. If he was talking to me, I would say, I get it. You've been together for seven years.

You have two kids, but you're only 23. Right. it you've been together for seven years you have two kids but you're only 23 right and so i i get just you know just because you met at 16 and yeah the fact that you have kids changes the game a little bit but it doesn't mean you have to you know that doesn't start any clock the clocks only start when you start start the clock and you are only 23 you know so i understand the fact that he's just you know maybe taking his sweet ass time so neither of you are wrong in my opinion right i see what you're saying it makes sense and i am a little bit understanding, obviously, of the fact that we're young and we have still so much time. We do.

And either way, we're already in it together. So that's what's kept me so patient over all this time. Because obviously if I cared so much about it, I would have been married before I decided to have children. Yeah. I think you're better off focusing on your connection with him how you communicate things that you might want to fix things that he might want to fix really focus on that you know you don't want to get engaged and married just because of of it because you want stability or because you have kids or because you've been dating.

That's not why you want to get married. You want to get married because today you still feel the same way about him or you have a stronger connection. So focus on the connection and that will tell you whether it's the right thing or not. I mean, you know, let him know. Yeah, definitely look forward to the day. Right. Right. It's okay to ask. It's okay to check in, but there's gotta be more dialogue around debt and, and money and things like that. And yeah,

if his parents recently just got a divorce, I don't know. Like that would have been traumatic for me as a 23 year old man. Right. So there's, I understand that. You're already going to therapy. Maybe that's something you guys can do together, especially ask him about. Without any pressure as it relates to your wanting to get engaged, ask him, check in about his feelings towards his parents getting divorced.

Just be a sounding board. When you guys are passive-aggressive to each other that you're creating a situation subconsciously where it's just i don't want to fucking tell her because she's just gonna like make some passive-aggressive comment or make it about what she wants and you might not be meaning to do that but we do that in relationships all the time you know right you know and like sometimes i'll be in a relationship and if like you've i've dated like women will do this men do this too you'll bring up shit that happened six months ago and then all of a sudden like i'll do something or i've done something that i know made them upset or frustration and i'm thinking

fuck i'm gonna pay for this in like six months, you know, like she's going to bring some shit up, you know, and those things add up in our memories, you know, and, and, and, you know,

women have these great memories about shit. You don't remember it. Men have memories too. So just be careful that all that passive aggressiveness, like it is, there's a reason why the word aggressive is in that word, because like you guys hold onto that shit. It creates more confusion it creates you know animosity it stops communication from happening so just get better at explaining how you feel telling how you feel and stop making jokes

about things that you want well good luck yeah i mean congratulations on on the family and you can still like you have you have a family you know like stop telling yourself yeah i have to get married to have a family you have a family right right yeah and it's still great to have that goal of solidifying and that's awesome but yeah you know and so thank you don't put too much pressure on it thank you so much all right take care okay you too bye-bye how's it going good i'm aaron i'm 29 hi aaron how can i help so having a little bit of an issue or something i really just need advice on been seeing this guy for a year hang out four times a week go go on trips together, date nights every

week, all of that good stuff, but still has yet to want to meet my family, still has not introduced me to any of his friends or family, and doesn't seem to want the actual title of a boyfriend, but refers to himself as my boyfriend. However, I bring it up and he completely just gets all weird, gets all flaky, and then starts to distance himself and pull away. Right. So, okay, hold on. Recap. You've been hanging out with this guy for a year.

Mm-hmm. It'll be a year in July. He calls you his boyfriend to like... Or he'll refer to himself as my boyfriend. I could be like, oh, just tell them you can't tonight because you have a date with your boyfriend. I'm like, oh, okay. Or if my phone's blowing up, he's like, oh, are those your other boyfriends? I'm like, no, I only am hanging out with you. But yet when I ask like, hey, we've been hanging out a year. What's going on here? He's like, oh, I still am not ready for

commitment. We only hang out with each other though so i don't really understand what the difference is i'm so confused yeah so am i that's why i'm calling you what do you say i mean have you said do you you realize how insane i mean don't say like that but have you pointed out i'm kind of i'm very blunt so i have said like you're not making any sense and you're really confusing and he says he's like well i just he says i have a lot to focus on with work right now basically just keeps giving excuses excuses he has a lot to focus on work yeah with work right now and he's like you know i like you and if i were ready for something that would be with you, but I'm just not ready for anything serious right now. Okay.

Well, it's, I'm guessing here, but it sounds like this guy has, it's, I think it's what being a boyfriend means to him and the expectations behind it. Right.

That's yeah. He was like, you know, he's like, I'm too busy for work and I'm not ready for a commitment. And you're saying like, well, you're only having sex with me and we don't,

I'm dating unless he's lying or something like that. And that's the thing. It's four or ready for a commitment. And you're saying like, well, you're only having sex with me and we aren't dating unless he's lying or something like that. Well, that's the thing. It's four or five nights a week. So I'm like, if you're, honestly, at this point, if you're seeing someone else, I commend you for having the time to do it,

to be honest. But also like he could have called you his boyfriend and still be cheating on you. So like, you know what I'm saying? Right. It's not. Yeah. And quite honestly,

I don't think it does because I feel like this guy, it's the pressure he doesn't want to feel. And that's kind of what I've gathered. It's the expectations. It's the pressure. If he, it's him. Have you ever asked him what does being a boyfriend mean to you?

No, I've never really thought to ask that question, to be honest. Well, I'd start there. Okay. So what does it mean to you? You know, people like I've had this with my relationship people you know sometimes when you don't see eye to eye with someone and you're just like wait i'm just assuming that you think whatever label you're referring to you know it's like hey i want you just assume say like say again someone else wants a relationship with you and you're just like

well maybe i don't maybe they don't you know well what does a relationship with you. And you're just like, well, maybe, I don't know, maybe they don't. You know, well, what does a relationship mean to you? What does a boyfriend mean to you? You know, what does hard work mean to you? You know, people are like, oh, you work hard. I'm like, no, you don't. You know, like, well, maybe you guys have two different interpretations of what it means to be a boyfriend or to be committed.

You're like, I think most of us, we're just like, I mean, I don't know. I just want to know you're not having sex with other people and you're committed. It sounds to me what he, maybe you guys are more on the same page. I think he's worried that once he, and I'm just guessing here,

that once he says, I'm just guessing here, that once he says, I want to be your boyfriend, that you are going to start having more expectations of him. And he has made that comment. He's like, I don't want, you're so cool, you're so fun to hang out with.

I find myself not even wanting to hang out with friends anymore because I enjoy spending time with you so much, but I don't want things to change when you get the title. So I don't know if he's how old is this guy 32 he sounds like a 22 year old right

like I get what he's saying or whatever but at some point then you just have to decide are you dating someone who's mature enough for you right and I can sit here and guess what he might be meaning by all this and sure but like it's silly right it still does sound a little nutty it doesn't make any sense it's also a

waste of your time and i don't know what you want for yourself but like sounds like this guy just wants someone he isn't annoyed by who he likes having sex with which honestly is like kind of everyone's dream but like but like does he want more like do you want i don't know maybe you don't want more like he's afraid of like wanting to build an emotional connection and and he doesn't want responsibility it sounds i mean it it's potentially really selfish right because he's so worried about this i got a good thing here and anytime i can just be like well we're not boyfriend and girlfriend i don't take trips with you because that's what boyfriend and girlfriends do you know i don't go to like i don't go to your family's weddings because like that's what boyfriend and girlfriends

do i don't invite you to like my family like i don't have to your family's weddings because like that's what boyfriend and girlfriends do. I don't invite you to like my family. Like I don't have to worry about like which whose Thanksgiving we're going to my your family or your families because you're not my girl. You know, I'm saying he doesn't. And there are, you know, that is true. I mean, he is right about the sense that like any real relationship worth having does grow and expectations matter. And I always say like a relationship say, a relationship doesn't really start until there are expectations. So he is in some ways right about that,

but, and then you're both kind of accepting, I mean, the role you're playing is you're letting him get his way for fear of losing him. And what I can assure you is this guy is not changing unless he can't get what he wants out of it he is not going to be like hey aaron i change my mind you know what i want i want more it's not never gonna to happen. It's never, you know, kids, whatever.

So if you want more with him, then you need to be prepared to leave. And I think you try to say it in non-threatening ways. You're like, okay, listen, I don't want to talk about this again. But clearly, I like you. I like all the things you like me. I love spending time with you. And that's great. And right now, like, I'm really happy.

But I do want to get married someday. I do want kids. I don't want to put words in your mouth. Maybe you and that's great. And right now, like I'm really happy, but I do want to get married someday. I do want kids. I don't want to put words in your mouth. Maybe you don't want kids. I don't know. But like whatever you do want, is there things you do want more? Can I ask that?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if kids are for me, but I do know I would like to get married one day. I was previously engaged at one point and I realized that person wasn't for me. So one of the more things you want is to look to get married someday and get a bond. So you want that. And right now, that's not happening with this guy.

And you need to make it clear what you want. And you're just like, I've invested. We have invested a year in each other, and I'm not going to wait around for you to just decide one day it's enough for you so if you are so unwilling and are so afraid of expectations and if you're so unwilling to work towards things he's 32 you know what i'm saying like his work schedule is not going to change you know and you know like for me you know my 30s were you know i quit my job i came to la it was i i i took some risks in my life that changed things up for my

dating life right i i for a few years i felt like i wasn't really in a place to, you know, date because I just felt very unsettled. You know, I had more unknowns about my life than knowns. And for me, being career oriented and money focused, like I was having a hard time. I wasn't confident or comfortable with myself to really, I still dated, right? But like the idea that, you know,'s he's comfortable enough to like spend all his time with one person and and he's investing a ton of time in and you and vice versa but he's being just distant enough so like if he what i so i guess what i'm saying is if he's more like like if he's unsettled like if he's a 32 year old guy who's just like you know whatever i don't know

what he does maybe he's like you know wants to be a partner he's got these still ambitious goals and maybe he's just not ambitious into date at all and that means not like not expecting someone like yourself to like invest all their time in you with there's you know you're not getting anything out of it you know yeah and i guess the whole point back to this helping you understand like waiting on him is silly at this point. You just need to, my guess is you're going to present it. He's going to say no, and you're going to have to calmly be like,

all right, well, it sucks, but I'm not waiting around and hope, you know? And if you can't do, if you can't even like be comfortable calling me your girlfriend or be comfortable enough to like go to a family event or be comfortable enough to like get closer with you, then, and if this is as much as you can give me, then it's not enough for me. And I'm bummed and I'm sad, but you know, okay.

Thanks for your honesty. He is being to some degree honest with you about what he doesn't want. And up until this point, you've been okay with being annoyed, but not doing anything about it. Yeah, that's all you can really do. Well, I appreciate it. All right. Well, best of luck.

But yeah, just the biggest thing is stop putting up with things that you don't want and stop telling yourself it's still pretty good because it's clearly a constant thing that you are annoyed by yes definitely yeah he's a little immature a little so he's selfish and immature and none of that's going to change without him losing the things he's getting very true well thank you all right best of luck thanks congrats on the new job thank you thank you all right bye-bye how's it going hi uh lisa 37 hi lisa how can i help um okay so this is, I've been with my now ex for on and off eight years.

We broke up a week ago. I was at the hospital having an MRI and came out to a text message that he was taking his stuff and he was leaving. And I was like, okay. And it was because of a TikTok that I had posted that was pro-vaccine for the COVID vaccine. And it was just like, just this little parody of like, you know, just ER nurse saying like, you know, just go get the shot.

And he's anti all of that. So we, I was like, you know you know political differences aside i just kind of let that go and it is what it was but so i shared that and then he broke up with me essentially because of that that's what he said anyway i mean either way you know whether that was the truth or not not not a great sign it was yeah and he did it on facebook like a facebook messenger like he couldn't even wait until i got home yeah okay so where are we at now he showed up on my doorstep last night at um 12 a.m and said that he wanted to see my dogs uh or our dogs essentially um and that um he was crying and said he ultimately didn't know how much time he had left what do you mean he's dying i that's i i don't know i'm like so the past week he sent that text message he messaged and said

you know he's sorry he kept showing up on my doorstep at like 2 a.m drunk and would say you know I'm sorry I made a mistake I didn't really mean that uh we should break up I just needed a break and I was like well you don't just get to decide that we're going to take a break. Like, without even having a conversation about it. And me getting up and leaving in the morning thinking everything is fine. And then you just, you need a break. So, I don't know with what he said last night. I don't know if he's suicidal. Or if he legitimately. what he said last night. I don't know if he's suicidal or if he was drunk last night.

I don't think so. Typically that would be like, he would get like, he'd go out and get, because one of the reasons that we've broken up in the past was because of he's drinking. How many times you've broken up with this guy? Because of cheating four times uh yeah i i already hear you in the back of my head like i already know what you're gonna say about the cheating aspects of it

and um but i did continue to take him back he did cheat on me every time with the same girl, though. I don't know if that means anything. I mean, he's consistent. Yeah. So where we are right now, that's all in the past. When we got back together this time, I said, you know, whatever was in the past, it was almost a year later. What's your question, I guess? What is he trying to prove right now? I don't know if he's trying to prove anything.

Like, is he being manipulative? Or is it, like, is he suicidal? Does he, like, is he just trying to manipulate? What do you think? I mean, as far as the, he doesn't have a lot of time left that you can solve that problem real quickly just by asking him forgetting about everything else you could call him up today and say hey listen you said some weird things last night what did you mean by that and if he he's like oh nothing you know whatever i was just saying shit

then you could be like well don't like don't fucking do that don't you know i don't know whether you were trying to imply that you were suicidal or not but that's nothing to joke about and if you're not it's really disrespectful to people who do have mental health issues etc etc or like and I'm gonna like be concerned so like regardless of whether he's your ex or your boyfriend like if anyone says that just ask him a direct question don't assume don't guess don't blow it off and, and just find out. And if he has like some other like diagnosis, I don't know, like also maybe find that out too. I, you know, all you can do is ask. I have no idea, but if that's a question, just ask him,

he brought it up. Don't ignore it. Everything else. I mean, this doesn't sound like this guy sounds like a nightmare it was a it's a pretty toxic eight years so that's i was like ultimately when this happened last week i was like okay that's it i'm out like i i'm not doing this anymore um so why are you still around i i was actually i knew you were going to ask this question. So last night, after I had sent him the email, I was like, why, why do I keep going back?

Why do I keep sticking around? Like I, at this point don't even think it's got anything to do with loving him. Like I don't like, I'm kind of afraid that he is going to do something to himself. Um, and again, you can try to be there for him as a friend and and uh

without being his girlfriend and you can if you really think he's suicidal then you should call someone that's like i yeah i don't know what but i mean people can hang their like sadness or suicidal thoughts over your head i mean do you and do you really believe he is or is it just like he's saying this because he's he gets it gets the appropriate reaction it puts you on the defensive or it gets you to sympathize with him i'm on the fence on if it's just a him wanting me to be worried so i'll take him back yeah or if he would actually but he is also the type that was and this is so weird to say that he would do something just to be like throw it like see i told you i would do something well i mean again i don't want this guy

to hurt himself but you just i know but you need you need to figure out how to stop making this guy your problem and like you said you don't even know how much his love he's something to do it's something to worry about it's again we've talked about toxic stimulation it's just you're used to it i don't know if it's a fear of like well you know how old are you 37 38 yeah well what sounds older 45 or 38 yeah so you could be doing the same thing when you're 45 i'd rather cut my losses now and get back out there and you know just this guy sounds like a nightmare i was like i don't know why i just keep taking him back well you have some insecurities or something that or something to do

preoccupies your time maybe it's a fear of being alone maybe it's a fear of starting over you know you know that's something you have to work through that's something you have to figure out um and you're not going to ever be able to figure it out what you do know without certainty with with what you do know with absolute certainty is that he is toxic he's toxic for you and nothing is at this point going to change that he would have to take some drastic steps in his life therapy years and again like so like maybe when he's 45 he'll be in a position to like not be toxic but that's that's not an option right so you do know that he is terrible for you so you need to let that go and then you need to start figuring out why that

was so hard for you to accept and why it's so even knowing that he's so bad for you why is it so hard for you to stay and that's what you work on yourself. You go get therapy on your own. You go read some books and you start, you know, and again, my guess is it's a lack of confidence. It's a lot of fear, fear of being alone. You just don't know, you're like, you're used to it. It keeps you preoccupied, something to do. All those are potential options

and there's maybe a little bit of truth in all of them, but you do know he's bad for you. That is is a certainty that is something you don't have to figure out and short of like making sure he's not going to like hurt himself you just need to remove him for your life and you know without at the risk of sounding dismissed like you are not responsible for his well-being that's what my mom said to me like an hour ago. So, yeah. So, like, yeah, but now you need to step up and, you know, your mom, me, anyone else, like, you know, like, so,

whatever it is, it's fear. The reason you have it left is you're afraid. That's, you know, why you're afraid, I don't know left is you're afraid that's you know why you're afraid i don't know but you are afraid yeah so you need to face those fears whatever you're afraid of happening can't be any worse than dealing with him right at this moment in time afraid he's going to do something to himself yeah that's a short-term problem right and i don't know if you are really afraid i think you're kind of telling yourself and maybe it's a way-term problem right and i don't know if you are really afraid i think you're kind of telling yourself and maybe it's a way of you can be again this fear you have of losing

leaving this this does not sound like a guy i mean and i don't know but my gut tells me he's probably not going to but it's still not your problem but you have like i think you i think you are real afraid of losing this drama in your life. But you know it's bad, so you just have to find the courage to let it go. At the risk of being wrong, address it. Make sure he's not. Let him know that if he really is suicidal, that you are going to call the proper authorities to address it.

And that's as far as you need to go, you know? Do you think I should reach out to, like, one of these family members that maybe they should kind of take on that role? Sure. I mean, whatever you have to do to alleviate yourself from any guilt or responsibility for his well-being. But, like, again, like, you do it for that and then you walk away. You know?

Like, you have to be honest with yourself about your motives because I'm getting the impression you just have real clever ways of manipulating yourself into staying. That sounds accurate. So, so do that. Face your fears. Admit that you're afraid to leave,

figure out why, go get some therapy, go figure out your shit. And i've done many years of therapy maybe you need a new therapist you know like i don't maybe maybe oh no even my therapist is like you need to get away from this guy well i mean again you're just gonna have to it wins enough enough you know again what is investing yourself too you know take care of bear take you know taking better care of yourself you know I don't know your daily habits I don't know your diet I don't know your exercise routine I don't know like what you you know we're like but like the more you invest in yourself the more

you will prioritize yourself in the, you know, so maybe start there, you know, what are some other aspects of your life that you feel like you could take better care of yourself? Yeah. And if you,

you know, once you start doing that, then it'll be easier to be like, well, I'm making all these investments in myself here. So why the fuck am I putting up with this? What set some goals for yourself? What are some things that you personally want to get better at?

Yeah, definitely want to go back to the gym because he wouldn't let me go. I can't say he wouldn't let me because that's a bad way to say it, but if I went there, then I was sleeping with somebody or I was trying to make myself better for somebody else. But again, forget about... Again, yeah, so this is a toxic, controlling dude, right? So who cheated on you and

he's worried about you going to the gym so like you gotta yeah also you don't you can you can exercise more if you that if that's what you want outside of the gym you can do laps around the block you can you know there's at home like like gosh listen to my podcast we have so many at home workout sponsors just pick one yeah you know we get you a code so again this is not just about not going to the gym you know and set other goals other than just working out like what are the things what's a hobby what's something that you've never done they always wanted to do take a a class. Again, just invest in yourself. And the more you put those investments, the more you won't want this other toxic shit.

But you have a lot of the answers. You're just lying to yourself. Afraid to implement them. Yeah. I truly don't know how worse it could be. I mean, I get you have fears, but how could it be worse than this? Being alone isn't so bad. This is not, you know, do you have friends? You got your mom.

I mean, that's so you're not alone. You're just not, you know, and even if you were, just better than this. You got some pets roaming around your house, I see. You know, like all investing in all these other things is much better than this guy. And yet, all right. And yeah, it says more about you that you're strong enough to leave than, than you're weak enough to stay.

Yeah. All right. Alrighty. You can do it. So thank you. All right. All all right bye-bye thanks bye how's it going hey i'm whitney 35 hi whitney how can i help well i think the big thing i wanted to know um just trying to differentiate between the difference between knowing what you want and being willing to wait and not wanting to settle and being too picky writing people off too soon and having unrealistic expectations and then maybe just get your opinion on how i can have more success dating because it's not so much happening right now okay yeah i mean you I mean, you should read a Logan Urie's book.

I only bring that up because she talks a lot and, you know, she's not the first person to mention non-negotiables and pet peeves, but she spends a, a great time talking about in that book about that. And I think it's, it's great advice, right?

I mean, in the sense that just know the difference, you know, being too picky and knowing what you want is understanding the difference between pet peeves and non-negotiables and then weighing those. Right. So like a pet peeve would be like, I want him to be, you know, I don't like that he's messy, you know, or that they sometimes are late or that they like, you know, football or they bite their fingernails. And that might be real gross. Right. I guess, you know, but non-negotiables would be how they respect you. or they bite their fingernails. And that might be real gross, right?

I guess, you know, but non-negotiables would be how they respect you, how they treat other women, your religious beliefs. Do you want kids? You know, like those things aren't usually changing and those can create a lot of problems. I think too um just like specifically

with like dating apps and online i'm just like really quick to if i see a red flag or something i'm like no what's the red flag um if someone starts talking about their ex a lot within the first few days like it's a recurring factor i've seen that not go so well and kind of write that off. Like I don't need that. You know what I mean? I mean, listen, that's not a,

that is a, that's a red flag for sure. Red flags don't always mean run. Red flags are just something to be mindful of. And when you notice a red flag, instead of running right away ask more questions right and then listen to their answers and don't make accusations ask questions so if you so you're talking to a guy and he talks a lot about your ex don't say you seem to talk a lot

about your ex are you like not over them or well you seem to talk a lot of your ex you do you like you know maybe just ask a question about i mean it's it's hard because like you know how do you you're just like you know what do you talk to a lot of your exes like how do you know are in these situations when they talk about their exes do you always understand do you know the timeline of how recent they were in their relationship i will ask that yeah i ask a few questions and then I think I just make assumptions off of the general vibe. Yeah.

So none of these conversations last very long or go very far. I mean, how many of these guys are you texting within a dating app and within the first few matches they're like, my ex fucking sucks. Okay, well, so it's not always that. But like if someone doesn't respond for several days like i just move on like um i mean that's that's yeah again like you know dating app is such a

tricky thing right yeah i think it's good that you don't get attached to any one person in a dating app situation because everyone has so many options on dating apps, right? Right. So if someone doesn't respond, that just means, well, they don't know anything about you other than whatever pictures you chose to show them. They don't know anything about your personality other than what you've messaged through via text

and they're just not excited about you. Right. Right? Just so if a guy like disappears and checks back in a week, yeah, no one prefer you want everyone to be super excited but realistically what do they fucking know about you they don't have a reason to be excited about you that's very true so and again like that might still be a red flag but you know you could still ask a few more questions and then be like and maybe you're just like hey well what's up how you been

like do you want to get together or or not i'm not looking for like you know pen pals on dating apps it's like why i don't even know who you are why are we messaging back and forth constantly but not meeting up you know so just move the you know relationship and again like you know don't wait around for the guys to do it because you know in this climate men are not as and for a lot of reasons too some of it is just like you know men are just like i don't know i don't want to i don't want to bug her i don't want to force anything and so i'm unclear if she wants me to ask so i don't want to ask and dating is getting in a lot of ways more and more confusing because you know social norms are being challenged and and for a lot of reasons great but in other cases it's gotten confusing

because it's a lot do i do i approach a woman uh like because i i've seen you know you you go on tiktok or instagram and there are there are a lot of women and they're like i don't fucking talk to me i mean there is like this viral tiktok of a girl being like hey guys stop stop talking to women you don't know it's weird so if you see that and this like pretty girl is being like it's fucking weird for you to talk to women you don't know and a guy's's like, well, I don't mean a fucking weirdo. So I won't talk to women. And then you've matched with this kind of dating app. And he's like, fuck, I don't know. You get what I'm saying though.

And so there's just a lot of confusion. So like, I think we both, men and women need to, you know, just try to be a little bit patient and don't be so quick to dismiss everyone for every, like everyone comes with red flags I think that's really valid um I think just based on like my past been through a lot of really bad relationships where I ignored like red flags that were huge and waving and you know danger danger and so I think I maybe I'm overcompensating for that so I do think that's good advice and trying to see the other

side of it I mean listen if you start talking to a guy and he's like yeah i just moved from new york and you know and you're like oh why'd you move he's like oh well you know my girlfriend and i broke up and she was a real bitch like yeah run you know like don't date that guy right but if a guy was just like has you know maybe just he's like yeah you know i went there with my girlfriend you know and you're just like wow he brings up his girlfriend a lot you're just like maybe he's just like i don't know he's like had a girlfriend for five years and he doesn't know how to talk about anything because he has five years of memories with one girl and he's just kind of

processing that so those are two very different situations both in which included a guy talking about his ex right yeah okay figure out trust your gut don't ignore the things you've learned in the past about ignoring what you know and so you know if a guy raises his voice to you if he calls you names if he you know if he yeah i mean you you don't need me to explain all the things that you've learned in relationships, but you know, don't, don't be, we all do come with red flags. So just know the difference between things that annoy you and things that you value, you know, uh, things that annoy you, you know, there might be, he might also come to things that you like about

him, but, um, just look at their character. Well, yeah, that's super helpful. Um, He might also come with things that you like about him. Sure. Just look at their character. Well, yeah, that's super helpful. I think I just definitely write people off very quickly. But, yeah, I think that'll be helpful. Yeah, and it sounds like if you've had some challenging relationships, it can be a little scary getting back out there. And so just maybe it's a good practice to think about the things you really liked in the relationships things that you didn't get and and like write them down you know and and be more aware of so

you really understand what are the important things what are your real red flags what are the red flags that you should run and what are the red flags that make you go i just need this just tells me i need to learn more and and and don't try to learn about people via text on dating apps you know if nothing else be like hey let's have a facetime date or a zoom date even you know even the world's opening back up i think the good thing if there's positives that came from you know quarantine is that we've normalized like getting on a facetime and a zoom date is a way of kind of pre-screening someone before you like meet someone in person but you're still like talking to them you know like you and i are sitting here building a rapport when and we're building a lot more rapport than if you were like texting me your problem sure you know how long

should you talk to someone before you do that like is it we because i've had people like hi do you want me to call you no i really don't why not and i i don't know so you would you would prefer to be like no i would rather text a complete stranger and then guess your sense of humor. I'd guess, you know, like, again, it's a dating app. It's, you don't, you're trying to get to know people. So why don't you choose, you know,

mediums and places that help you get to know people? Like I get as a woman, not necessarily in a rush to meet up with a stranger in public, you know? And you don't have to give a stranger your number. with a stranger in public you know and and you don't have to give a stranger your number like again zoom you know and um you could literally create like an email address that's just for dating so you don't have to give up your personal information you know if you're just worried about your safety and things like that but right i truly don't understand the point of texting with a complete stranger i don't understand it i don't it doesn't

add any value that's literally how people get catfished that's how they that's how they you know um you're only getting to know someone's ability to text and you're not you're not learning anything about them yeah i don't think it's as weird as as even their delivery might be off you know yeah i guess it just comes off as maybe over eager if it's like so a guy liking you as a turnoff yeah i mean i'm teasing you yeah i guess like it's just you know if someone seems over eager i just just kind of wonder, like, well, I think you need to rechange your perspective over eager. That sounds to me like a guy who's not interested in wasting your time.

And I don't think you are interested in wasting your time. Like, again, you've picked five or six photos of yourself. You told them you like funny guys who like love to travel. And that's all he knows about you. And you look like every fucking girl a girl on a dating app other than your pictures and he wants to get to know you right and now all of a sudden you're accusing him of being like over eager because he's like i don't have the time to like guess what she means with this like apple emoji

okay yeah and i'd love to hear the sound of her voice and i'd love to know if there's anything and i you know what i got 20 minutes to hop on a zoom and see if this is someone i want to grab a cup of coffee with yeah as opposed to texting with her for three weeks about nothing yeah Yeah. So. Okay. Fair. I mean, that's just me, but. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Okay. Well, that helps. I think that'll help me get a little further than where I've been, so.

All right. Well. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's, we always get a few scars from dating, but just try to see it as an up, you know, figure out the things that you um that you really learned focus on that you know this these are the five things that i happened in my past relationships that i do not want to replicate and what are those early signs back then that that happened that i ignored and apply that to what you know but don't just generally

become like no no no no i'm annoyed oh weird yeah like i don't know again like this whole you know he wanted to like facetime right away he's probably a murderer like you know like it's so yeah okay all right awesome well thank you i appreciate it best of luck okay thanks for listening that was great don't forget to check out our recap with dave Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Best of luck. Okay. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. That was great. Don't forget to check out our recap with Dave Holmes and Katie on Wednesday. Subscribe.

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