The Viall Files - E286 Ask Nick - Stop Calling It Serial Dating

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we first speak with a woman who is struggling with her husband's new jealousy when it comes to her co-workers of the opposite sex. Our second caller had a baby and her husband who originally wanted to have more than one child has since decided he would not like to have any more children. She still wants a bigger family and now doesn’t know how to handle this without either of them feeling some resentment. Third, we chat with someone who finds someone she likes on apps, the dating is great, and then as soon as it is time to define the relationship, they flake. Finally, a woman is concerned about her sister-in-law getting married to the wrong person and doesn’t know how to help open her eyes since he is basically the only guy she has ever known.  “Stop calling it serial dating, it’s just called dating.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Theragun: http://www.theragun.com/VIALL try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199.  Daily Harvest: Http://www.dailyharvest.com enter code VIALL to get $25 off your first box.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile foul ask Nick edition I hope you had a great 4th of July. I know I did. And thanks for still tuning in because, hey, it's summer. You want to get out there and you're still listening to podcasts. We appreciate you doing it. Thanks for choosing us. We have a great episode for you with some great callers, some great guests, and some, well, I like to think some pretty decent answers. And we also have a really great week for you.

I know you guys have been asking for it. Natalie, the girlfriend everyone would love to have, but only I can, is on this podcast helping me break down The Bachelor. Yeah. Thoughts and opinions straight from Natalie's mouth. I'm sure we'll have some fun conversations about us, but mostly just our takes on The Bachelorette. So the world exclusive of Natalie's podcast career. Debut.

Debut is tomorrow. So check that out. And then on Wednesday, we've got a really fun episode for you. Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan, you know them, you love them from Lord of the Rings and a ton of other movies. Just great, fun, smart, interesting guys. They have a new podcast about their friendship. We talk about friendships, talk about their experience. Just really fun,

interesting guys. I could have talked with them for hours. And if you're looking for just really cool, fun, funny guys, be sure to check that out on Wednesday. So, as always, thanks for listening to us, tuning in. Tell your friends, subscribe, all that fun stuff let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going good how are you good

what's your name i'm sarah i'm 30 how can i help sarah i've been married to my husband for almost seven years. My question is about some jealousy that I've noticed recently. Okay. So we've both always had a lot of close friends of the opposite sex, both before and during our relationship. My firm, I'm a lawyer, my firm recently transitioned to work from home permanently. So pre-pandemic, we were in the office full time, but now I'm just home. So I have some male co-workers who are around my age. And based on the nature of our job, we spend a lot of time on the phone throughout the day, like bouncing off ideas, sharing advice, like venting about work issues and just like shooting the shit. Lately, there's been a few

times my husband works in the office full-time lately there's been a few times when he's come home and like i'm on the phone with a guy and he's made some comments that are like kind of suspicious or like accusatory like he'll say who is that does he know you're married like why are you talking to him um does he say it like aggressively or is it more like so who's that like yeah it's not aggressive but it's not it's not just curious like it's a little bit sure like it gets me defensive yeah okay um and it's like pretty out of character because like i said we've always had like a lot of friends with opposite sex um we've never been like jealous type people um and a lot of our close like couple friends couple friends are, like, I was really close

with the guy or he was really close with the girl. And now, like, we're all four friends. So we've always been, like, really comfortable with that. Based on, like, now being work from home, a lot of these people have, like, started at the firm during the pandemic. So there hasn't really been an opportunity for, like, me to meet them in person or for my husband to meet them but a lot of them are like not necessarily people that I would need to meet outside of work like they're just we're just like talking and like kind of like work friends um so we've talked about it and I feel like we we talked the issue out pretty well and like I've said this is just like you talking to your female co-workers at work the difference is I'm just at home and you might like hear it sometimes, but it's not like.

So you, so this has burnt you. You guys are talking about the frustration you have. Yeah, for sure. And I feel like every time it comes up, we talk about it. And I feel like we talk it out well, but then like he just keeps doing it. And he acknowledges that like i'm right that it's not like an issue he trusts me um but it just he just like feels the need to do it and i don't want to like i feel like his behavior is irrational i don't want to tell him that and i

want to like validate his feelings but i also like i'm stubborn and i'm not going to just stop talking to people that i want to talk to. I think that's smart. I mean, it sounds like you're trying to approach it in the most mature possible way, standing your ground, having your boundaries. I mean, obviously, you know, he's your husband and like to your point, you're, I'm assuming it sounds like you're trying to hear him out. you're trying to acknowledge his feelings but at the same time you're just like this is work related right like this is not like you're venting about personal things are you no i mean we talk about personal like personal things come up like we we just talk it's kind of like when you're at the office like you're not just

always strictly talking about work. Sure. They're with their work friends. It's not like I'm confiding in them about like my relationship problems. You're like, hey, did you watch The Bachelor last night? That was crazy. So you do talk to him. When you do talk to him about your frustrations, is your husband getting defensive when you talk about it? Yeah, not really. I mean, it talk about it? Yeah, not really.

I mean, it depends what I say, but not really. He just, it's kind of like a, I don't know. This is how I feel. That's kind of weird. And have you said, well, what could I do differently? If I were to say, I'll do whatever you want so that you stop making these comments. So, because if you haven't noticed husband, it's bothering me that you do this. So I'm just curious from your point of view, and I'm not agreeing to anything.

I'm just asking you, what do you want me to do? Like, give me a solution, not a problem. And trust me, as a guy, he can relate to that logic because guys love, you know, fighting solutions, everything. So you just turn fighting solutions, everything. So you just turn it back on him like, all right, what is your solution so that we're not fighting about this? I'm just curious. Yeah, so that's a good idea.

I never thought of it like that to ask for a solution. It's more just like I'm questioning what is behind his feeling and he doesn't, he's not really good at articulating that. He just says that. Okay. And it has, as we talk about a lot lot he can feel whatever he wants right clearly there's some and i have like i i do that with with you know my girlfriend she gets dm'd all the fucking time like i mean i'm a huge packer fat and there's like fucking packer players like in her dms all the time you know and and she always tells me but likes all the time, you know, and, and she always tells me, but like, you know, I see, you know, she has a lot of guy friends and we've only been

together for, you know, a period of time that like she had plenty of guy friends before we ever dated. So, and I, I don't, I'm not a jealous guy. I don't, I don't want, I don't like telling her who she can and can't talk to. I love giving trust, even if it's not necessarily, I love just assuming I can trust and if I happen to be disappointed later on, fine. And with that comes some nervous energy and I've been like, so who the fuck is that? And it's always playful, but you're right.

There's always a little bit of truth behind it. There's always a little insecurity, right? And so it's fine that he, you know, he's human. And that's certainly, you know, if we're trying to flip it, what's the, if there is there a pro, well, clearly he's, he gives a shit, you know, that's a win. But yes, just ask him how, like, it bugs me. You do this. Obviously, you know that I don't, but I'm curious, what do you want me, what can I do differently? What's your solution so that you stop doing this?

Because it is starting to really bother me. It's making me feel like you don't trust me. And so what is your solution? So do you think like if it happens where like sometimes it's like 530, he's getting home. I'm still like kind of on the clock or I'm like starting dinner and I'm still on the phone with somebody. I'm not going to just get off the phone when he walks in the door. That would be toxic, right? That would be toxic for people like, oh my God, I'm not doing anything wrong.

But at the risk of getting my husband upset, we got to go. Because all of a sudden that gets fucking weird. Then it starts acting like you're doing something wrong wrong and as long as you're just being honest with yourself that like i'm i'm not like i'm you know if this was happening at one like to your point i have no i'm not even asking you to be like oh every day you get home tell me all the conversations you had with any female, work or otherwise, and specifically, did you guys talk about what was on TV last night?

Did you talk about anything not work-related? I want to hear it all, right? That'd be ridiculous. You guys are married. Like, that's silly, right? But something is triggering it for him, and you guys just have to try to work through that and identify that.

And he needs to start providing solutions, not just griping all the time. He can feel how he wants, but I'm assuming he doesn't enjoy feeling this way, right? Right. And you're not worried about him at all? I mean, some cynics might be like, oh, well, he's always the cheaters who are making accusations.

No, and I think that he maybe is a little, he thinks I'm a little cavalier. I always kind of say, I don't get jealous because if you're going to cheat on me, then I'm better off without you. I'm not going to try to control a situation. He says that. I say that.

Yeah. Does he feel the same way? No, he doesn't love that. He appreciates my, he gets the logic of it and he i think admires it but he's been cheated on in the past and he i feel like in that situation he suspected but he didn't do anything and so he feels like there you go you could stop it i feel like that's kind of silly but i'm not i don't tell him it's silly i just i i get the logic but he has to i mean you're you're a good looking person,

you know, and he's gonna, he's gonna be like, of course, like I assume regardless if it's true that every single guy who has ever seen my girlfriend, if had the option would, would want to, you know, do something with her. And he, I mean, shit, your husband should feel the same way about you. That's awesome that he is so, feels so thankful to have you in his life because every guy would be so grateful to have you, right? That's such a, and if you can control that type of, it's like, it's a great thing to feel,

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Like, let me feel this way. Like basically acknowledging like maybe it's irrational, but let me feel this way. But to me, that sounds like, what am I supposed to just ignore you? Because I don't want to ignore. Exactly. Have you said that? Like, and you say, I want you to feel I'm not, I'm not, I hope I don't want you to ever tell me I'm like and you say i want you to feel i'm not i'm not i hope i don't want you to ever tell me i'm wrong to feel any way i'm not telling you that you're wrong to feel any way i'm just saying we both recognize that especially if it comes to a slightly toxic feeling and i we've all been there i just want to do something about it and again like you your husband would be the first guy who doesn't love solutions to problems because guys love fucking thinking of solutions to problems, especially when it's not

theirs, but he's going to have to do it for himself too. What does he want to, why does he want to hold on to these toxic feelings? That's what he's saying. He's saying, I have this toxic feeling and I just want to feel this way. I mean, listen, if you guys are into some like weird kinky sex and he like wants to imagine being cuckold, then fine. Channel that toxic energy into good sex. But short of that, like, why does he want to hold? Why? Why does he want to have this? You're not judging him. You're not telling me he's wrong. You're not trying to shame him. You're just saying, hey, man, like I'm starting to get to a place where I'm feeling defensive. I'm feeling defensive. I don't want to, I don't want you to feel insecure. I don't want you to feel jealous. And when I need to conduct myself in a professional manner and it would be just be fucking weird for me to, do you want to, do you want to even, do you want to walk in and hear me rush off the phone? Because I'm afraid that you're going to be worried that you heard me talking to Chad about like whatever legal documents we have to get done.

You know, that's fucking weird. That's only gonna create these worst feelings. So like, what do you mean you want me to let you have this? You feel however you want, babe, but like, are we gonna solve these problems or are we not? You know? And I think it's good that you are sticking to your guns that while he's allowed to feel how he wants, that you aren't gonna just drop it

and let this problem fester and become something greater than it is. And I don't think there's any problem too small to seek out professional help if it's like couples therapy, because some of these little insecurities certainly can snowball into something greater if it's not addressed.

The best time to address problems is when they're not a big fucking deal. You know, when they're small problems, when they are little things, when you just approach your partner and say, Hey, listen, I'm not mad. I love you. We're great. Couldn't be happy with our relationship, but there's this one thing that kind of bothers me. And I don't know if it's a me thing or it's a you thing, or maybe we both could make small adjustments. So this one thing doesn't become a big thing. What a great time to solve a problem, right? Rather than it like you, you know, like,

well, I don't know. I don't, I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to do it i don't want to say anything you know it's like everything's fine but like it's not really a big deal and then it's you know but it still bothers you and then like six months later you're like throwing shit in their face and just dumping all like your frustrations on a problem so i think it's good that you are sticking your to your guns and saying like this is not a huge deal we're great but like this is a this this thing is like it's not okay for us to just let this not be addressed so i know like you've said before that jealousy is insecurity so like do you do you think it's possible that it's maybe by me being stubborn or not like not being willing to change my behavior that that's like

i mean based on what you're telling me my guess again like i've said yeah it comes from insecurity but it some it can come from someone's past relationships or present relationships you're it doesn't sound like you're doing anything to justify real insecurity but it makes total sense for someone who used to be cheated on, especially if your husband was someone who's like chose to trust, right? And that person broke that trust. And he looks back and he remembers thinking about all these little small red flags I chose to ignore because I trusted.

And now he's just like, I shouldn't make that mistake. He's having a hard time channeling that energy because he's not wrong to say, well, I'm not, I don't want to ignore red flags again. I did that last time. So I want to address it again. Every right to what it's good that he's asking these questions. You don't want him to be thinking about this and not bring it up to you.

So be thankful that he's willing to bring it up to you. He just has to do it in a more productive way because how he's doing it is not very productive. So it sounds like it's coming from that past stuff. So, yeah, the fact that you were married, I think it's great that you are not defensive, that he is still not over something when it comes to a past relationship. And that happens all the time. You're like, all right, well, let's deal with it.

Let's look together. Let's figure out. I understand. Like, hey, hey man have you ever been cheated on by the way like in high school okay well all right well it's so it's always i'm just saying it's always good to try to empathize like yeah fuck it i know like it sucks like or if i'm sure you've been lied to i'm sure you've been felt like someone betrayed your trust right it's a shitty feeling it's hard to get. So just try to empathize with them. But definitely stand your ground in terms of letting them have this toxic thoughts.

Because that is only going to get worse. Do you want to trust me? Do you want me to like, don't you want to feel so confident that you know I'm never going to betray your trust? Like, yeah, I'm fine. You know, I only, I choose you every day. I choose to be with you. I choose not to do that. You're just going to have to trust me.

You did get married to me. We did do these vows and it means a lot to me. I want him to mean a lot to you. And if he is this like, if he's just pushing back and pushing back, you just say, hey, listen, I love you so much. This is not a huge problem, but he's just pushing back and pushing back you just say hey listen i love you so much i this is not a huge problem but let's just let's go have some fun and do some like quick therapy on it like and maybe he can uncover some stuff from his past that he needs to work through um because it's it's something because yeah jealousy is such a little fucker that can

definitely turn into something greater. Um, yeah. And you don't want him, you don't want him dealing with this sincere security in a toxic way. And that could be him beginning. So insecurity, maybe he's out with his buddies. He has a few drinks and he's just like angry and nervous.

And my wife's talking to him. And then all of a sudden he starts flirting with this girl innocently, but he just like mad he doesn't know why he's mad he's just like it just and it could it literally could be shit from happened eight years ago some girl cheated on him and if you don't deal with your shit that shit doesn't go anywhere it just kind of sits there and rots every woman listening should every time a guy's in his feelings and he doesn't want to do anything about it turn every you know ask him for a solution time a guy's in his feelings and he doesn't want to do anything about it, ask him for a solution. Stop him in his tracks. So, all right?

Thank you very much, Nick. All right, hopefully that was helpful. Best of luck. How's it going? Great. I am Emily, 33. How can I help, Emily? So I have recently had a baby with my husband, and I love being a mom. It's absolutely fantastic.

Before we ever had kids, before we ever got married, my husband and I, talking about number of children, he wanted two, I wanted three to four, um, but was very happy with two. Um, since having a baby, my husband has changed his mind and wants to have one child. And I really would like another child. Um, I definitely would rather have an only child than stay married to my partner. But I just, I guess my actual question is, how do you move forward in like a huge decision like this without resentment on either side, whether we have a baby, another baby or not, you know, how can we move forward without creating any long-term resentment in our marriage with such like a large decision.

How old is your child? Five months. Okay. So you, you just had a baby. Yes. Just had a baby. So right off the bat,

I just enjoy being a new mother. Yeah. You know, it's really early. I mean, it's only been five months. So a parenthood must be very new and a lot going on. And, you know, I'm not a father.

You know, obviously, I have a lot of siblings and I have friends who have kids. And, you know, it can be hard, as I'm sure you don't need me to say that. Right. So just enjoy what you have so far there's a good bet that like all your what you're both feeling right now is a result of all this new things going on with this new child right it could easily change i don't know your husband i don't know if he's one of those guys like once he makes a decision he never changes his mind but i think at this point all you should really say right now when it comes to having more kids is i would you know you know i would like to have more but let's just enjoy what we have right now

and don't ever i wouldn't ever verbalize you're conceding this right okay you're just not you know there's a difference you know you're like you're right fine we only have one kid let them know that's what you want but but but just drop it there you don't need to bring it up to them there's no point in fighting about it with them every day there's no you know and again it's only been five months so short of you like wherever you like you're not trying to get pregnant right now anyways are you you? No. Yeah. No. We do have some career based on how our careers are. We're both in the military. We do have some considerations where if I don't get pregnant in the next three to four years, I would probably then age out of being able to get pregnant naturally myself.

Are you saying that just biological clock type of stuff? Biological clock-wise, yeah. That if I didn't get pregnant in the next couple of years, I would not be able to try again until I was 40, or where it starts to become a little bit more difficult. Oh, because you'd be... I'd be like 41, 42. No, I just don't want to understand.

You're saying because you're in the military, because of the job you have, if you don't have kids the next couple years, then you're back to committed to work or something? How does that work? Yes, yes. And what happens if you got knocked up? Like what happens if you just? I mean, yeah, I guess they would just transfer me into a different job.

But the job I would be going to, they would. There you go. So truthfully, anything's really on the table yeah that's true that's true right I think that's the important thing I understand you know you sound like a bit of a planner you know and you're in the military so that might be you know you know increase that I don't maybe that's a generalization that's not fair for people in the military but uh yeah I really just think right off the bat, you still, even if that was the case,

you have a couple years, right? Even what you're saying, it's only been five months. Such a newborn, such a new experience, just try to enjoy it. Don't concede that you've changed your mind. But he could in a year or two, a five month old is different than a one year-old is different than a year and a half. He might bond with your child as more as the child, you know, turns into like a human being rather than just like something that just sits there, eats, sleeps, and shits all the time. I don't know.

I think, you know, we bond differently. And so just give it some time. I don't know. I think, I think, you know, we, we bond differently and, and, and so just give it some time. I think you making us into something that you fight about all the time will only make him more resistant to it. You know, that's really the only advice I have for you, but also like, you know, like I said, things can change. And if you get knocked up in three or four years, I mean, if you guys decide in four years that you want a kid and now you're just doing this new job, then you'll deal with that. Then you're just like,

hey, having one more kid's more important than any job I have. And that's the decision we're going to make as a family. Right. And then, you know, now if he, you know, a year and a half, two years, he is still steadfast, then you're just going to have to decide how to deal with that.

I do think at that point, therapy would be something to work through. I don't think that's something anyone should just bottle up and hope to get over at the hopes they don't develop any type of resentment. Thank you. Resentment. So that's a big deal to want to have more kids, right, as a mother or as a father. And you have to respect your partner that they don't. So that is a huge, and he did change his mind.

You're like, yeah, I wanted three or four. And he's like, two. And now he's like, one. You know, and you have a right to feel something about that. And God, those are just such hard feelings to solve on your own, right? I think it's good to have a mediator. Yeah, and it's so binary, either another child or not.

Yeah, right? And so, but in the immediate, in the moment, my advice is to let them know that your mind hasn't changed, but enjoy what you have as a couple and make the more you can make the experience of having this one child as great as possible more likely he might be like this is you know yeah there were some hard times and you know money got tight or whatever and yeah waking up sucked but i wouldn't trade it for the world and you know what i kind of missed that if he has stress about being a good father and a good provider let him know every time you have an opportunity that he is and i i really think that'll go a long

way thanks that's great advice yeah okay thank you all right and until then just enjoy it you know that's great advice yeah thank you all right and until then just enjoy it you know congratulations exciting lots of ups and downs but um the more you can make it a good experience people like to repeat good experiences so focus on making this moment and this experience with your firstborn child the best possible scenario make him feel good about what he is doing um and and i and i really do think that'll go a long way okay and then would you would you put any sort of like time limit in like bringing it up again like i've um i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't even broach it until you like until you are like physically and wanting yourself to like have a kid then what's the point of talking about it right makes sense

you know i mean you could literally be like hey i want to get pregnant again he's like you know what changed my mind and like that night you give it all the old college try right right you know um yeah i i who knows i mean i don't have a timeline i don't have exact date i do just think right now since you're not planning on getting pregnant right now, and there is a lot of pressure into just being a new parent, enjoy what you have right now. And, and when you start feeling like, you know, I would be ready personally to have a kid, then strike up those conversations then. Um, in the meantime, just make him feel like if he asks, be honest. Yes.

You know, yeah, of course. Of course I want another kid. Right. You know, I love being, I love having a family with you. I love watching you be a father. You're so great with our kid. You know, nothing makes me happier than watching you being a great father. I mean, trust me.

You say shit like that over and over. He will like, it'll, you know, it'll change his perspective as opposed to feeling like he could never get it right. Why would he want to do something again? He can't ever get right.

Right. Right. And he is a fantastic father. Yeah. So be sure to let him know every chance you get. Awesome. Okay. I will.

All right. All right. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. Congratulations. Thank you I will. All right. All right. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. Congratulations. Thank you so much. All right.

Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Vanessa. I'm 44.

How can I help Vanessa? Well, um, I'm divorced. Um, I have two kids and I was with my ex since I was in my 20s. So dating alone is very new to me. And obviously, the dating app world didn't exist the last time I dated. But I decided to give it a try. And I have to say overall, the experiences have been

positive. I think I've been very selective. And the men that I've met have been very respectful and kind. And I'm definitely looking for a relationship. I'm, I'm just not a serial dater. And I've met men that have wanted the same thing, or at least that's what they say. And they're very attentive and, you know, call me morning, noon and night, check in, go on dates, everything's good. And it's, it's leading towards a relationship. But then when it actually seems like it's getting there, and you're kind of in the routine of things, it they see, they pull back, like there's been three already. And like, it's like, I can't even get past a two month mark. And it's like, well, yeah, maybe it's not as fresh and exciting as the first month. But like, we're still like, still doing all the things. But

it's like, I just feel like in this dating app world, like as soon as people get just a little bit bored, or maybe there's a slight comp, you you know complication or hurdle to get over like they just so easily run back to an app because it's like well maybe this isn't working instead of like well if you say you want a relationship you have to work on things and talk about things so i'm just kind of getting frustrated my friends constantly tell me have a roster roster, date multiples. I've tried that. But as soon as there's one out of the three or four I'm talking to that I like, I can't even pay attention to the other ones. I'm just, I like one person and I'm just not good at doing the serial dating thing. and I'm just trying to figure out how can I try to enjoy the process? Like I've heard you give advice of no date, go have fun.

And it's like, I've tried and it's just, it's a struggle. Yeah. Maybe, maybe that's something you need to try to work on. Right. Yeah. How long,

so you, how long you've been back on the dating scene? How long you've been divorced for? A couple couple years. Okay, so enough time. It is. How long you been back on the dating apps? I literally just started the dating apps early this year, like in January.

Yeah, okay. So you're still really new to that. Before that, how much dating were you doing? Not really. Between my divorce and when I started the dating app, there happened to be a person I knew for a long time. We decided to see how it would work. We dated for a few months.

It didn't work out. And so that's when I was like, okay, what do I do now? I mean, it's so much harder to meet people. Like I said, I'm 44. And so it's so much harder to meet people um because adam you know 44 and so it's like where am i gonna go like how am i gonna meet people um something i've learned too i saw i saw something about uh there's people with like um anxious attachment and avoidant attachment and i feel like I hit every mark on an anxious attachment like I'm someone who needs that reassurance and the attention like that consistency and as soon as there's a lack

of consistency I start to overthink everything and I don't know if that causes me to give off a vibe of insecurity to the guy I'm talking to. Like it's like, it could be a day or two of just maybe it's inconsistent from what it's been for the past month or so. And it's like, what happened? What changed? And I start just overanalyzing and overthinking everything. And I would be, you know, with all, and I've said this before, with all the stuff that's, you know, with social media and Tik TOK and Instagram and our act and podcasts,

our access to information, you know, we'll talk about attachment styles. I mean, I remember talking about it with Sylvie on our podcast, you know, it was one of our first 50 episodes since then. I, you know, I see attachment style conversations all over the place. You know, the, I always make a joke about like kale you know like no one heard about kale 12 years ago now it's kale this and kale it's all over and i eat a lot of kale but like it like it didn't even exist but it didn't exist in like a mainstream thing i only bring that up because i think just we really have to be careful about

diagnosing ourselves you know especially you have the Internet out there and you can Google it. It's no different than going to WebMD and be like, oh, I got this. And it's like, no, you don't. You don't know. And I say that as someone who can be a bit of a hypochondriac and do that. So I think you've got to be careful about that because, like you said, if you're an overthinker, you're going to ruminate, you're going to get in your head,

and you're going to start thinking about all these things. I mean, I don't think it has, and maybe you are, I don't know, talk to a therapist when it comes to stuff like that, but you, you just started on the dating apps and it's, I mean, there's a skill involved in a way, right? It's a, it's a crazy world. You have, you know, all these matches, you have people's profile pictures, you have their bios. How do you distinguish who's who and who's worthy of your time and who's got what intentions, et cetera, et cetera. So, yeah. It's overwhelming.

Yeah, it can be very overwhelming, right? So that, you know, just that alone, your subconscious might feel like, I don't like this uncertainty. You know, as a, someone who was married for a long time, good or bad, what you have is a certainty, right? You have, it's predictable. I'm going to wake up and be miserable with my husband. I mean, at least, at least, you know, right. And there's, there's a comfort in that, right. I joke, but there's some truth to that. So, you know, you, you say, well, I don't like serial, stop calling it serial dating. It's just called dating. That is what dating is. Dating is, is going out, having a cup of coffee, a drink, a dinner, whatever it is. And, and just, it's, it is an interview, right? Like you don't think, oh, I don't want to go to

an interview, but it isn't just to get, think of it as like an opportunity to get to know someone with zero expectations after that like meeting new people can and should be fun if you approach it in the sense of like i'm just meeting people right don't put all this pressure on yourself like could this be the guy i don't fucking it's just you're just meeting a guy you know and maybe maybe your only goal when you go on a date should be, I hope, maybe I'll just learn something new about somebody. You know, maybe it'll be a fun story or a takeaway or an interesting story. You just met this person, right?

But you're going in with already these built-in expectations on yourself. Like I hate serial dating. I don't want to do this, right? So then you'll go on a couple of dates. You'll be talking to two or three guys. And I don't doubt like you'll start liking one of them. And I don't doubt that you will fixate on them, but just because you've decided that you've liked someone. Right. And I'm sure you've, if you listen to this podcast, you've heard me talk about this.

Doesn't mean you just stop asking questions. It doesn't mean you're like, Oh, well, I know them. I'm going to start loving them. You know, I's just that just all that means is that, yes, it's good that you can like zero in on one guy. And all that zeroing in on one guy means is that you're these other guys are trying to just it's they're not worth your time. And not no disrespect to them. You're just not that interested. That's great. You know, limit your options so you can focus on one. And then when you start focusing on the one, tell yourself, I'm still starting at

ground zero. There's still so much to get to know because you're right. You're probably in your subconscious and you're just like, oh, I like you. And we've been dating for two months and you are probably building. First, you're having expectations of yourself, right? Well, we should do this. We should do that. Oh, I gotta do this. I like you. Well, if I like you, we should do X, Y, and Z.

And if we're not doing X, Y, and Z, what does that mean for me? I don't wanna, you know, God, you know, I have kids and fuck, I'm not wasting my, I don't have all this time. And all these like expectations you put on yourself, yes, some of those expectations, these guys are gonna feel right and in two months it's it's not a ton of time so i think you just need

to get better at stop putting so much pressure on yourself when it comes to dating stop change the narrative in your head about like i'm not saying you're supposed to love dating, but try to find the benefits of getting to know people. Stop saying you hate serial dating. Dating is about meeting multiple people so that you could put yourself in a situation to avoid, you know, getting divorced again, if you are lucky enough to find somebody you want to settle down with. And that is going to take time, right? I mean, you're as a, as a, as a married woman who got divorced, you know, right? I mean, you're as a, as a, as a married woman who got divorced, you know, that you, as you got to know your husband, things changed, right? You got, you turned into different people. So as someone who's been divorced, you don't need to hear it from me to know that like,

you can't possibly know someone in two months to be like, so into them that like, you can't possibly imagine them being different. different right but there's something about you that is doing something that's adding stress to yourself and therefore stress to this very early relationship right i think if you change your mindset so yeah well yeah you have this oh i'm 40 44 43 or what you know and you you yes you've you're putting all this pressure on yourself that pressure no doubt is being projected onto the people you're dating on some level, right? And I'm not saying all of a sudden if you start changing your perspective, you're going to knock it out of the park every time. Yes, listen, part of dating, like in the first six months, yes, I think you just need to start being more okay with things not working out. I do think that if you take an approach and tell yourself, I like this person, but I still have a lot to get to know,

and you set that kind of mind frame, I promise you, you'll get a different result. Because yes, how you're saying it, it's pretty clear that you give up a lot of your power early on when you decide you like one of these guys. Yeah, you called it. And that power differential, like their feeling or whatever. And if you tell yourself, I like Eric, but I don't know Eric. I like what I know so far. I'm going to keep getting to know him. I'm going to keep having

questions. I'm not going to drop everything I have to do. I'm not, you know, like you say, hey, I like you, but I'm still going to prioritize the things I need to get done. My work, my kids, my life, my friends, all the things that I know that I have in value in my life that I know aren't going anywhere, that's still a priority, right? And so these new guys in your life are there to see, are they there to compliment you?

Are they there to add value to your life? you still don't know yet right so when you get excited about these guys you're dating that's great tell yourself yeah i'm excited you can even tell them a little bit but don't be afraid to be like well you know still we'll see we'll see true you know i think what's kind of hard is because i'm dating men that are either my age or just a few years older and even though i can know in my head like okay i actually like this guy in all my inexperience if i have support they're the ones who initiated and like led me down the path of like oh my gosh i really like all the more reason for you to set the boundaries that you're not but what's happening is that you're like oh i like them they say oh i like you and they try to define it or push things forward. And then them like initiating things, you just, you stop checking

it. You start, you put your guard down. You're like, oh, here's, here's all my power. Here you go. Oh, you validated me liking you by like trying to define things and move things forward. Oh, great. Well, I didn't know. Like they're, they're excited too, right? They're, they're these guys who are older, like it's all a mess. They probably, I'm guessing a lot of the guys you are dating, maybe a handful of them have been divorced as well. They might have kids, right? So, you know, the same anxiety and fears they have differently, right?

So they might get excited about you, get ahead of themselves, right? Yeah. And then they make like a hard mess all of a sudden. I'm like, wait, what happened? So when they do do that that's what a great opportunity for her to say hey i i was expecting you to get excited about me i'm excited about me too but yeah and i like what i know so far man it's when you tell someone i like what i know far, like their egos don't know how to process that. First, it's like, yeah, great. They feel the same.

What do you mean so far? What do I have? Like, so what do I have to do to, you know what I'm saying? Like their ego picks up on that or they pick up on that. And then you, and you're not doing it just to play mind games. It's a true statement. It is true, right right and then they will be they won't get so like oh what do you mean so far so i so i have more to prove okay great and

then let me prove it right and don't yeah don't fall trap to that game just it is a real thing you don't know them right and take it slow and when you get excited like have the self-awareness to say today was a good moment with this guy i'm excited about this we will see like eventually you're just gonna like you know in the first six to twelve months you know everything you get excited about you might it might not be real and i'm not saying that to like have you be cynical and be like oh but that's just life right like you think about all the times you get excited about things and then change your mind you know yeah you're no different everyone can get excited especially you know when you're dating in your 40s you're gonna everyone's gonna have this like self-consciousness about their age and if

they're gonna be liked and if they have kids right all of you have this right like we all in you know can can be this way and so you're dealing with all these things so when people get excited they want to share it and then all of a sudden like oh fuck you know i don't know things are different right so just don't be afraid to say so far you know and tell yourself that first and don't and don't be afraid to tell them that and i trust trust me it's not going to work for everyone but you will get guys to say oh okay but whatever you're doing is certainly uh projecting a level of overconfidence you have in the relationship and your overconfidence is making these guys wonder if they if they feel the same it's like

oh man she really likes me i don't want to hurt her feelings and she's like she's like all in and she wants to spend a lot of time with me and it's like i don't i don't know like maybe we should just pause and pull away yeah so and it's like what happened the first month yeah yeah it was a great time but you know what like four weeks went by and you're acting like this is going to be great. This is going to be perfect. We know everything about each other. Let's just start talking about and planning the future. And they're like, whoa, chill, like whatever, like, you know? And like I said, like, I don't know if you're sleeping with these guys and it's great if you are, it's also fine if

you're not, but hookup culture is, is, can be messy and hookup culture and having sex before you're defining the relationship uh can get messy like i did a poll on my instagram i was just kind of curious and i asked my audience which most my audience is like 90 women right and i asked how many how many how many of you uh are are having sex before you define the relationship. And like over 60% said, yeah, I'm having sex before I define the relationship. That's hookup culture for lack of a, you know, that's essentially hookup culture. And then I asked the same audience,

like how many of you have ever felt like you got let on? How many of you had your feelings let on after having sex? And 80% said yes. So like, how are you, why is this surprising? Right? You're unwilling to define anything and set boundaries. And yet, but you're having expectations of this relationship on your own. And then you feel disappointed.

Like that's going to happen. And I'm not saying don't have sex. I'm just saying you got to, people need to start being realistic about what sex is and hookup culture and hookup culture isn't a one night stand. Hookup culture is having sex with someone that you don't have expectations. It's unclear about their feelings. There's still a lot of confusion because you guys don't really know each other. There's not a lot of boundaries set. And if you do that, you know, and people, and like, I, you know, people will be like, well, I told him I liked him and he said he liked me too. And then it, everything changed. It's just like, we are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves

to, you know, live up to people's expectations. I also asked the same question. It's like, you know, do you judge people for having a lot of exes? And like 40% people said, yeah. And that's people who admitted to it. Oh yeah. Right. And so that's probably higher. Right. And so I'm just saying, I think as a society, we, we don't want to feel judged. We know people are judging us as like, Oh, why do you have 15 exes or whatever?

You know? Yeah. It's like, Oh, what's wrong with you? You can't hold a relationship. Right. So these people are like oh well i don't want to define anything because well i'll just i'll just say we were dating you're not my ex you know and so we're we're sitting here judging people and all i'm just saying is

early on you need to like change your you know perspective, on your expectations of yourself, the relationship, sex, and stop confusing yourself. Right. It's only, it's only two months. Right. So just be realistic about, I'm just getting to know them. And like, yes, guys should be better about like, you know, being honest with their feelings, but you know, sometimes you get caught up. Have you ever said, I liked this? And then like later been like, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Women, women get excited and change their mind too. Right. And I think we get a little caught up in, in the, in the moment. So I think, I guess I just,

go ahead. I hope a man in his late forties, early fifties would have kind of matured in that area, but. Yeah i i get that too but i do think it it it's it's a combination of the dynamic it takes to you know like uh people will put pressure on to define the relationship well do you like me and it's like yeah you know but like things can change and all of a sudden you know half the time guys might pull away and i think women do it too is because it's like wait again to your original point you get really

excited then the other person on the other end is like well i don't know if i how if i feel the same way and i don't want to hurt this person but so before it gets too messy i'm just going to leave so you you know adding adding pressure that's quite frankly not totally validated you know, adding, adding pressure, that's quite frankly, not totally validated, you know, like you like them, you like what you know so far. It's not, it's not verified how much you really like them because you don't really know them. So stop telling me so far. I'm going to remember that.

So say that to yourself. Don't be afraid to say that to them. And I do think you'll notice a slight shift. Okay, great. All right. Thank you. I appreciate it. Well, thanks for calling shift. Okay, great. All right. Thank you. I appreciate it. Well, thanks for calling. It'd be great. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Alyssa and I'm 30 years old. How can I help Alyssa? So basically what's going on is

my sister-in-law has been with her fiancé for 10 years and my wife and I just don't really believe that he's the best guy. He doesn't help out with their daughter to the point where my sister-in-law refers to herself as a single parent. Okay. So this is your wife's sister.

This is my wife's sister. Okay. Yes. Okay. And she's married. No, my sister-in-law is engaged. And so that's kind of the whole point of why I want to talk to you guys. So they're supposed to be getting married at the end of this year.

And we kind of think it's a mistake. married at the end of this year. And we kind of think it's a mistake. And your sister-in-law, she refers herself as like a joke as a single parent. And she has a kid with this guy? Yes. They have a four-year-old daughter. Okay. So how long have they been together? They've been together for 10 years. They're 26. So they've been together since they were 16. So they don't really know anything different. Okay. Yeah, well, that's going to be a challenge for her to move on from this guy. Other than joking about the fact that she's a single parent,

what are some other things, if anything, that she complained about? Does she complain about the guy? Does she act miserable? Like, does she show excitement about the wedding day? Yeah. So she kind of always refers to him as like lazy and unmotivated. And that's another thing that we're concerned about is like the wedding. She talks about it like it's a chore and just something she needs to get over with and not like this like one and a once in a

lifetime thing that she gets to do okay and she's 26 what's her uh other than her relationship does she take care of herself does she have a lot of goals and aspirations she generally positive like what is you know what i'm saying? Or has she gotten into such a rut that she's just kind of riding on comfort? I think both because her daughter's her life. She's an absolutely wonderful mother. But when it comes to her relationship, she's just kind of the wheels are turning and she's just going along with it because they've been together for 10 years. And, you know, this guy kind of messes up or does things like, for example, like he was an hour late to his daughter. They turn. She turned four in April

and he was an hour late to her birthday party. And the only thing that we asked him to do was to pick up the food and he refused to do it like he's just like it's almost like he's just seeing what he can get away with yeah maybe have you had conversations with her about this or are you just you're you're asking me before you approach it because obviously it's a sensitive subject so like four years ago because me and my wife have been together for five years. So like four years ago, there was kind of, there was an incident that happened. We were at dinner with them and he made some racist comments and we called him out and we're like, that is unacceptable. Like we're not here for that. And they left early. And then like the next day, my wife met up with her sister

and was like, are you serious? Like, are you going to continue to be with this person? And she was just like, I talked to him about it. You know, we, we discussed it. He knows that that wasn't okay to say. And then after that, because of her response, we just didn't speak to them for a few months. And so my, my wife has tried to talk to her sister and be like, I don't think that he's it, but she's just like, nope, I've, you know, I've been with him all this time and I'm going to keep doing it. Yeah, I mean, I don't. It's a tough situation just because, I mean, as you said, she's been with this guy essentially her whole adult life. It's all she knows.

The idea of a life without him as miserable as she might be, she probably can't even comprehend. Right. So there's a lot of fear and things like that. I mean, I've, you know, I've said like, you know, comfort can be a great thing, but it's also a place where we, you know, lies like to hide right like it's if you're really comfortable about something and you're not happy uh you should look at the things you're comfortable with to find out like what it is you can change because you're probably accepting a lot of lies and you're lying to yourself about your happiness because she's comfortable and she knows right we mentioned this in the last caller in terms of at least she knows what to expect you know she it's there's uncertainty can be really scary discomfort and and and like uh new can be very uncomfortable you know changing the status quo those are all things that she would have to deal with right if she chose to leave him and that's such a foreign thing i've always you know and um that why i asked in terms of like do you think she's being her best self because

the only way to really get her to try to see this is to make her believe that she deserves more that's really it that's the only thing you can try to trade on is her confidence in herself, her ability to look in the mirror and say, this is worth too much to give it to this one guy for the rest of my life, right? And she most likely, unfortunately, as a lot of people do in any relationship,

lost her individuality right um she has her daughter right and so she wants to be a great mom and you know her actually having individual hobbies and and whether it's getting into shape or whether it's career goals like her you know putting more value into herself as an individual is probably the best way to do this you know but that like how do you do that right in terms of like hey you're like why don't you get a hobby i don't know what does she do for work is she a stay-at-home mom is she no she's um she's a secretary for I don't remember the name of the. Does she like the job or is it just a job? She does like it.

Yeah, I think she feels like fulfilled doing that. But another thing is, is she works like eight to five. Right. And he recently lost his job and he's still not picking up their daughter from school or taking her to school so the responsibility is still on her and kind of what you're saying earlier like she should focus on herself she literally doesn't have time because she's so stressed like caring so much yeah so i i think all you can do i mean it's like the problem is, you know, really can't be you. And her relationship with her sister now is what?

They're best friends. Yeah, they're great. Okay, so it's good. Yeah, it's really good. And they're getting married at the end of this year. And we were kind of talking about it. It's not a secret to her sister that we don't like him. Like, it's very well known that we think that she could do better it's just

kind of something that everybody knows but nobody talks about and i'm like maybe we should bring it up one last time something sure if you believe that sincerely about it someone's got to be willing to be the villain you know everyone's just like everyone knows and sometimes i i'm i'm that guy in family or friend situations and sometimes sometimes I even get a bad rep. It's like, oh, you know, you're always the one who it's just like, well, none of you fuckers say anything. You're all talking about it. You're all thinking about it.

I hear you guys gossiping about it. So like, that's not being a friend. And like, don't be petty and don't be a gossip for the sake of being a gossip. But if you truly believe in your heart that this is going to be a mistake or this person's at risk of hurting themselves, and by hurting themselves, I mean like, just generally like accepting less than they deserve can hurt you over the long period of time.

Then you're gonna, because she will be upset. She is going to take it personally. She is going to take it personally. It will, she's going to see it as not believing her, not trusting her, you know, not all these things. And, and someone's got to be the villain. And ideally, you know, that's why they call interventions. Well, because it's not one person is a villain. If one person's the villain, then then that person has the problem. Like, Oh, it know it's just nick being nick you know like you know but everyone's just like no actually we feel the same way because you know you know how when people a lot of times in fights people will be like and it's one of my biggest pet peeves where people will be like you know i'm not the only one who feels this way about you everyone feels this way about you and that's not even true

they just say it because they know it'll piss that person off but that is a big fear people have because like wait everyone feels this way then maybe i should do or change something about how i feel so but you've got to do in a place ideally you know and it comes down to just saying listen whatever you're not happy with now, it's only going to get worse. It will not get better. So whatever you want, we'll support you. We will love you. Obviously, you know how we feel. Our only concern is that our love for you,

but if nothing else, if nothing else, please think about the fact that whatever you're unhappy with, it won't get better. Whatever you're hopeful that will change, won't. You know, I always say, like, how do you figure out whether you should stay in a relationship or leave? And people, like, make a list of things you like and don't like. And, yeah, sure, you can do that. But ask her to, you know, you could literally say, like, you should make a list of things that you're grateful for to have him in your life.

Things that, you know, and things that you're hopeful for. And she should make a list of like, I hope he starts doing this. I hope he does that. I hope he does. And things that, what is he grateful for? I'm grateful that he is, you know, wears t-shirts on Tuesdays or, you know, I don't know. Or grateful that he, you know, and maybe there's things that you're not aware of.

Maybe she'll be like, you know, every, you know, he always 45 minutes of the day. He spends time with our daughter and he makes her so happy. And I am grateful for that. And that might be a real thing. I don't know, but she should make that list because the things that you're grateful for are the things that will be harder to find with anyone else. You know, those are the things when you're grateful for are the things that will be harder to find with anyone else. You know, those are the things. And when you're grateful for something,

you really appreciate it and you value that. And that's a thing that you will have to give up if you move on. And just because you are grateful for things, some things doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship. It just depends on what those things are. But the things that you're hopeful for is a recognition of things you're not getting.

You don't have them. And hope, while a great thing, isn't necessarily to have a recognition of things you're not getting. You don't have them. And hope, while a great thing, isn't necessarily to have a lot of in a relationship because hope is predicated in this idea that you don't know something. Well, I hope this happens and I'm hopeful because I don't have all the information, right? I have a little bit of information. What I'm hopeful for is that the information I don't have is the thing I'll realize that I'll get and this might happen. I'm hopeful. Like, who knows?

Who knows what the future could hold? But in relationships, we have a lot more information than we don't have information. And in fact, she has 10 years of information about this guy. So you just have to try to make her see it in a way that's not threatening to her value, right? It's not attacking. And so, you know, try that. I don't know if it's not uh it's not attacking and so you know try that i don't know if it's gonna work i don't know if she'll actually make this list but like those are things like but the the biggest eye-opening thing that she might listen to is whatever you like i'm not here to tell you if you're happy or not you know because if she's happy whether you

or your your wife like him if she's happy then she's happy do we think it's because if she's happy, whether you or your wife like him, if she's happy, then she's happy. Do we think it's better if it's just my wife or me and my wife or there's a third option for me, my wife and their mom? Listen, the more the merrier, especially when it comes to it's a balance. I don't have the answer. I don't know. I mean, i could guess i can like i you know more people feels like an intervention and you know then it's a numbers game then it's like three or four against one so there is that element and if we're trying to not

have her get to defensive that is a drawback to that on the flip side when you have more people saying like hey you know just be careful then it might be more of my eye opening so you know it depends on the relationships um i don't know your relate your specific relationship with her do you think your specific relationship with her adds any additional value that doesn't already just come from her your wife that's the question you know i kind of do actually we're really close yeah so there you go so like if you think there's a unique relationship you have with her like as a friend as a sister-in-law then you add value but if you're just

like your your your sister-in-law's wife then maybe everything that might come that's for you to decide you know and then the mom what's that relationship look you to decide, you know? And then the mom, what's that relationship look like? You know, I have different relationships with different siblings. Some of my siblings I'm really close with. There's always love there, but sometimes it's just like, oh, you know, Nick's just going to be Nick. And I'm just triggering for some of them, you know, just because they just assume I'm always going to come with some sort of judgment or criticism. And whether that's true or not, they just have that. with some sort of judgment or criticism.

And whether that's true or not, they just have that. So you just have to be aware of the perception of the relationship. So how triggered is she going to be and how quickly can she say, well, you just don't like him because of what happened, blah, blah, blah. No one talks about kind of what happened all those years

ago so it's kind of like if we brought it up i don't think that that would be like at the forefront of her mind even though it's kind of we're aware of oh yeah like this is kind of what triggered the initial not liking him um it wouldn't be like oh you don't like him because he said this X, Y, and Z, like, here's a go, whatever. Like, she would just be like, maybe open to listening. It's hard to say. Yeah. I think if you do it from a place of love, you're not going to damage anything. You're just, again, you're reminding her that whatever she decides, you're there to her and you'll be there and all you just you know right we love her so much so that's like the only that's like my biggest concern is i don't want to see you enter something that you're not going to

be happy with you just got to be real careful when she gets defensive be like but you know you know you got it the criticism can't come from your point of view. It's got to come from hers, right? And that's why it's just like, I'm not here to tell you what he doesn't do right or wrong. I'm just here to just point out, or we are here to point out that whatever you're unhappy with, most likely won't get better. And if it does, you'd be like one of the,

like the first person in the world where like problems just magically get better than worse. Unless you like are unless unless we're unaware of this fact that he's like super into like couples therapy and self-growth right like so you know just be realistic that's all like you're not like it's not you it's everyone this. This is relationships, right? And so let her decide for herself what she's not happy with. And you're just there to remind her, whatever that is, is not going to get better. Is that something you want to put up

with the rest of your life? And if it's not, then great. There are, you have so much in front of you. You have so many options. You're young. You're like, you know, a lot of people, single mom, no problem. Like, you know, and in the meantime we're here to support you and and and you know whatever so definitely definitely

all right yeah yes thank you so yeah it's a tough situation you know what i think it does because the the list i think will be really eye-opening for her. And I definitely want to bring it up to her. Obviously, I'm going to discuss all this with my wife and see where her head's at with everything. But yeah, thank you so much. Just be really careful that the criticism doesn't come from your point of view and your wife's point of view. It's got to come from hers. Right.

We're definitely going to lead with love like i would never want to like you know make my sister-in-law feel defensive or like we weren't supporting her because we love her so much yeah you can't even be like oh but remember the time he did this like you can't you can't do that right right so hard we'll be mindful of that yeah i just keep repeating myself it's so so hard. No, it definitely is. Because I think I kept even telling you, well, he also did this. And that's not for you to point out.

Yeah. She, you know. All right. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much. Best of luck. All right.

Thanks for calling. All right. Bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Always appreciate you so much. Best of luck. All right. Thanks for calling. All right. Bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Always appreciate you tuning in. Don't forget Nellie and I are breaking down the Bachelorette tomorrow. Dom and Billy on Wednesday. Thanks for listening.

Tell your friends. See you tomorrow. Bye.