The Viall Files - E289 Ask Nick - Romance Novel Romance

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we start with a caller that is very attracted to someone who is working around her home. He is married and she knows she should not get involved but the romance novel drama of it all has her enjoying the attention and wanting more. Second, we speak with a woman who is trying to figure out the difference between red flags and flaws. Our third caller is trying to figure out what happened after she received a grand gesture from the person she is dating and then he pulled away and slowed down the communication. Lastly, we speak with someone who is trying to figuring out how to pursue a friend, who should make the first move, and if it is going to make waves within their friend group.  “I know this is wrong, but can’t you tell me it is ok to do it once. ” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! Don't forget to nominate The Viall Files for a People's Choice Podcast Award: https://www.podcastawards.com/ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: http://www.article.com/VIALL for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.  Huzzah: http://www.drinkhuzzah.com use code VIALL for 20% off.  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files your ass nick additions thanks for listening because we know you love these shows we love bringing it to you can't thank you enough. We have a great episode for you. Just want to check in with the ladies. How is your summer going? I just had so many family and people visit me that I couldn't be more excited. So nice to hear.

I'm so excited to have visitors. I'm doing well. I discovered a new salad recipe. Go to win. It discovered a new salad recipe what a win it's a new salad recipe okay i know i know salads sound lame but i think why do salads need recipes well okay i mean i'm a combination of course they do you know i discovered okay it's with fresh salads don't need recipes chrissy i've never looked at a recipe to make a salad like what kind of salad needs a recipe i invented it is what i'm saying here do at a recipe to make a salad. Like what kind of salad needs a recipe? I invented it is what I'm saying. Do you know how to make a kale salad that I make, Chrissy?

No, because you make your own kale salad. If I was going to make kale salad, I would just put kale, maybe some cranberries. What do you put in your kale salad? So you would need the recipe to make my kale salad. Eating kale is like the same thing as like hearing about- That's a fair statement. It's a fair statement. But like I just don't go looking for recipes when I want to make a salad.

I just kind of throw a bunch of stuff in it. But you were shocked at the idea that – I've just never gone to look for a salad recipe. I think I proved my point. Amanda, you were saying? No, it's just – it's awesome. I use fresh peaches, some like crumbled goat cheese, and then a little bit of basil and then pistachios

to add a bit of crunch on top. Basil. You don't like basil? Basil, cilantro, it's not my jam. In Chrissy's world, she's only heard of a salad that has lettuce, carrots, radishes, tomatoes, and Italian dressing. No, I said cranberries, nuts.

I'll do feta, goat cheese. You know when you go to a restaurant and they're like, would you like the house salad or the Caesar? Those are two different recipes. I'm going to slap you next time I see you. Am I nuts? I just never needed to look up a recipe for a salad. That's all I'm saying.

I'm not buying the salad cookbook. That's all my point is. If that girl doesn't know what to eat salad, that's what it's going to be. You watch. I'm going to kill them. If someone says that to you, I'm going to hunt them down and kill them. It's a par for the

course at this point. Oh, God. It's funny. I know it's funny, Nick. It's funny. That's exactly what's going to happen. She doesn't even care about recipes. She just eats it. She just eats the cookbook.

She doesn't even have the salad. She puts ranch on the cookbook paper. I don't care what it is. It's food. Give it to me now. Oh, God. It's funny. All right.

That was a good belly laugh. The belly that's filled with ranch and croutons. Because that's all I think a salad is, ranch and croutons because that's all I think a salad is, ranch and croutons. What, you put lettuce in your salad? I just have croutons and ranch dressing. Ranch and croutons. Anywho, we have a great episode for you.

A lot of the same of me just holding people accountable for the crazy things they say to themselves. We also have a great week for you. Recapping The Bachelorette is Max. He's a fantastic artist. I've told him this. If I could have a musician's voice, he would be in my top five. He also was the musical guest on The Bachelorette,

so he has a bit of inside scoop, a little bit about what what's going down and he's also just a huge bachelor fan and he helps us break down the bachelorette uh be sure to check that out uh tonight tomorrow whenever you listen to your recaps and we also have the legendary steve-o from jackass uh here with us on wednesday he's such a fascinating guy thoughtful thoughtful, has been around a while, and just have a great conversation with Steve-O. So be sure to check that out, and you will have some insightful takeaways. I promise you that.

Thanks for listening. As always, tell your friends, subscribe, rate, five stars, all that fun stuff. Now let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good.

What's your name? My name's Jane. I'm 59. Hi, Jane, 59. How can I help? Okay. I had this encounter with somebody. I had hired this guy to work around my house

and he was building stuff and fixing things. And we had a good relationship. He was referred by a family member. And so he felt like part of the family, young guy. I thought he was like 27. And then, so we're going along, you know, everything's good. We have a good working relationship. And then he starts saying things like, do you want to come to my home country sometime? And this and that, talking about other

people that have made a pass at him, El Salvador. And so nice guy. And he has a wife that he doesn't like, and he complains about his wife, and he has two small children. I know he loves them. So then the other day, the rainstorm happened, and there was thunder and lightning, and everything was very dramatic. And then we were sitting on my back porch, waiting it out, talking about how we'd never seen lightning, and then lightning struck like right in front of us were you at the same neither of you had seen lightning before not like in our present like an actual shot right in front of us like we'd seen it in the distance but we were ever like have you

seen lightning like like my sister had an encounter where she saw lightning and it struck her husband and she saw his bones and everything very but anyway this was just you know the lightning hit the fence and then it hit right in front of us so it's very like already our nerves were heightened but he was already coming on to me and stroking my chin and saying well did you know how beautiful you are and that it on i said this can't happen this can't happen there's a boundary right here you're married you have children we work together this can't happen and he kept going on and on and on so then he says well can I just put my arm around you and so I put his arm around me and

then he starts stroking my shoulder and everything and he's really big and I'm you know kind of short anyway it felt good I haven't been in a relationship for like a year and honestly the attention just felt really good and then so finally he just kissed me like he said can I kiss you and I've been saying no no no no no but you know I was kind of curious So somehow it just after the lightning, he kissed me. And it was like, Oh, my God, this is like, incredible. This could be like, really amazing. But I just kept saying no. And he was like, Why? Why? I said, You're married, you have small children. My daughter might find out my sister in law might find out, you know, my ex sister in law was who referred him and it was like, I just, I didn't want anybody else to know.

If it could be secret, it would be amazing. But I knew it would never be a secret. I'm freaking 59 years old. I know these things. I know they, you know, it always comes out. How many rom-coms? You're not supposed to be with the married man. That's it. So anyways, afterwards, he left. He finally left. He kissed me two more times, and I just stayed. I didn't participate. Wait, you had your sealed lips, and you just kissed your sealed lips? What do you mean you didn't participate? Yeah, the first time I engaged.

Okay. The second time, I tried not to engage. You just went like this and he... But at the very last thing, I was like, no, I'm not doing this. And he would try to kiss me and I just... Yeah. Okay. Because he had to get the message. I was kind of confused too because all of a sudden, even though I'm 59,

he says, well, I'll be, I said, you're 27. He said, no, I'll be 30 next year. I said, well, I'll be 60 next year. And he was like 60. And then he was like, well, you don't look 60. And I said, yeah, well, that doesn't, it's like a bit around the block. I know a few things. I know that this is just going to get messy and it's not, it wouldn't. But on the other hand, man, after he left, I just knew how good it could be. The kiss was like nothing I've had. And I can't even remember a kiss like that. And it was like, oh my God, he just could have swept me off my feet. I could have had this amazing, I mean, when am I ever going to get that again? But oh my God. Anyway. So I wrote you because I was like, I know this is wrong, but can't you just tell me I can do it once?

That's what you called for? Prevention? Yeah. No. But I know I can't have it. Yeah. I mean, what do you want me to say? I don't know. No, you can't do that. Well, you know that.

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I'm like a coin flip, whether I think you're going to do it or not. My gut tells me that if he tries aggressively again, that eventually you're going to say, yeah. So like, what are you going to do? Like,

do you plan on still, do you plan on still have him come over to do yard work, setting up this what romance novel, soft form kind of situation? Yeah. He built this beautiful deck and then I, I bet he did. And then I don't know if this was supposed to be like his congratulations, like in his mind, did he think that I was going to say thank you

in this way or did he just is this you know it's not me it's not like we'd have a relationship because it doesn't make any sense when was last time you you uh yeah you said you haven't been kissed like this in a while so like listen i i can uh i can appreciate the excitement it might feel to to be hit on by someone who you might think well you're too young for me or whatever and there's an excitement level i don't know i mean literally you're describing like some sort of romance raunchy romance novel. Lightning strikes the first time he built me a deck with really hard wood and I wasn't sure how to thank him. So, you know, Oh mister, I don't have any money to pay you. Um, but yeah,

but all jokes aside, like, you know, like, do you plan on him working for you again? You know, like, do you plan on him working for you again? Yeah, I would like to have a working relationship. I have a lot of projects I need to do and I can't do them. And I trust him. I'm pretty sure you're going to end up sleeping with him or doing something if he keeps it up. Because you want to so bad, right? And here's the thing about when it comes to cheating, and in no way am I excusing you at all,

but like we're humans, right? And people always wonder, like, how could this happen? You know, so many, so like you, all these stories that go out there, you know, whatever it is, you know, someone steals money or someone cheats, right? And you're like, how could you ever do that? Well, because we're

human and there's variables and while cheating, there's no exception to cheating. There's no justification for it, but you can understand situations that people get themselves in that leads to them making poor decisions, right? And this like, you know, you're sitting here, you know, maybe you haven't gotten someone in a while. I don't know your situation, but you're being hit on by this attractive like guy who's like doing, you're just literally watching him build you a deck and he's complimenting you. And maybe you haven't had a compliment like that in a while. And it's making you feel really sexy and good about yourself. And that's great that you got to feel that. And so you crossed the line by kissing him and now you're sitting here torn, like, what should I do? I know I shouldn't do it. Right. And then we, we have this way of

compromising ourselves by making these justifications, right? Because what you should do is find someone else to like rake leaves, right? There are plenty of people who can do yard work, right? There's tons of people. I mean, a bunch of like, you know, other, like that's what I did as a kid. I went door to door and said, hey, can I mow your lawn and whatever? And I tried to make some extra cash. So maybe there's some hardworking, you know,

young men who are not gonna try to have sex with you or sleep with you. And they're just trying to pay for college or whatever it is or hire it out. You know, there's other landscapers and things like that. But the fact that you are like, yeah, I'm going to hire him again. Like the part of you that's like, you're not hard pressed to find like someone, right? I mean, to do this work.

So the fact that you're willing to do it, there's a part of you that knows you shouldn't. I'm telling you, you shouldn't, right? But you're probably going to do it anyways. And if you do it, eventually it's going to get to a situation of you that knows you shouldn't. And I'm telling you, you shouldn't, right? But you're probably gonna do it anyways. And if you do it, eventually it's gonna get to a situation where you're gonna be like, I don't know how this happened. Well, if you end up sleeping with them, your answer is because you kept putting yourself in situations that made it harder and harder

for you to say no in the moment, right? Like it just got so, the temptation got so strong and your willpower just gave in. And that's what people do all the time. You know, they'll know they shouldn't cheat. They'll know they're, you know, interacting with a married guy or whatever. And they'll say things like, it just happened so fast. Like, I don't know how this happened.

It just did. And then that's not true. Like they actively chose to, you know, go out to lunch lunch or have dinner and they told themselves, we're just friends. This is nothing. The deep down they knew what this really was all about. And so while your situation is unique in the sense that you're an older woman having this interaction with a younger guy, like the decisions you're considering making is very relatable to all sorts of people because you know this shouldn't happen

and yet you're still gonna put yourself in a situation that's going to most likely lead to him still trying and now it becomes a game of cat and mouse. Like you've rejected him, but like also like you've showed that you like it and so he's just going to keep, you know, and I don't know his situation. You say he says he hates his wife or whatever, you know. And so you keep inviting, your invitation to say rake my leaves is him saying,

he's probably hearing she probably wants me to keep hitting on her. Right? Yeah. And you're not saying, you're not, it doesn't, in nowhere, in the, no way, nowhere, and like, you know and you're not saying you're not it doesn't in nowhere in the no way nowhere and like you know i'm not saying in any way like your nose were sounds like by what you're saying was that kind of flirty like no we shouldn't do it like you know we shouldn't you know like did you ever say no please stop this is disrespectful i'm gonna have you like did you give him a really clear no No, I said no. Okay.

And then he started massaging my shoulders. And did you let him massage your shoulder? Yeah. But then he said, Oh, your shoulders are so tight. And then you want to go to the couch. And I said, no. And I said, no. And he said, well, why? And I said, because you're married because of this, because of that. Why don't you just say no, I don't, because I don't want you to, because it's disrespectful, because I asked you not to. You say, because you're married. And he's like, well, I'm not, I mean, barely I'm married. I hate her, technically, you know.

In the moment, I really turned into like a young girl again. Again, I get it. The point is, you're a human being, right? And as human beings who are flawed individuals who make mistakes. And we have things like egos and we have weaknesses and we have vulnerabilities. And we are very easily compromised, especially when we put ourselves in vulnerable positions. And so the way to stop doing that is to stop putting yourself in this situation. Again, we all know how this is gonna play out if you keep having them come over,

because you want them, you wanna hook up, you want something to happen. And the reason you're not gonna do it is because you're trying to do the right thing, the righteous thing, and not be part of an infidelity. But again, so the strength you have to show righteous thing and not be a part of an infidelity. Right. But you know, again, you,

so the strength you have to show is to just not put yourself in the situation and hire someone else and not have them come over and just end it. Right. And then I get really mad because why did he fuck up this situation? I'm sorry for saying that, but I, you know,

I mean, you got merely mad. You love, listen, take it for what it is. You were wrong to kiss him. You, know what do you mean you got merely mad you love listen take it for what it is you were wrong to kiss him you got

hey you got listen you got hit on by like a a sexy you know you know dude who mows your lawn like

it was wrong to do but whatever take that it's a feather in your cap move on use that imagery that story to like you know

enjoy your time alone whatever it is you know you're not mad at him like whatever like enjoy it like it's you know it is what it is but stop putting the like just control what you can control like who gives you're not in you're not in control of him you don't have to ask yourself why would he do this blah blah he did and now you have to decide for yourself what am i what am i going to do to put myself in a situation to not do the wrong thing because i can almost guarantee you if you keep hiring him something else is going to happen and you know and and that's the things that people do uh to get themselves in shitty situations they they you know they lie to themselves they justify

it and be like, Oh, it's not, it's fine. I don't want to. I already said, no, he knows that I don't want him to.

So we're going to, it's cool. Now we're cool. And then deep down, you, you want him to make a move. It sounds like that's what it sounds like. And you're saying out loud,

I don't want him to make a move. I don't want you to make a move, but you know, please come over. So we can't just be friends and go back to professional loud, I don't want them to make a move. I don't want you to make a move, but you know, please come over. So we can't just be friends and go back to professional relationship. I mean, no, probably not. No. I mean, I can't predict the future, but if you're asked, if you're, it depends on what your priority is. If your biggest priority, you know,

you have three things that are trying to get done, right? Like you, you're trying to get some chores done, right? You're trying to, you know, not be part of an infidelity. And you're, you know, you're trying to feel sexy. So which of those three things are the biggest priority? Getting my work done. Oh, it is. Rather than not being part of infidelity?

Yeah, I don't really want so getting leaves you're getting your lawn mowed is more important than not having infidelity no pun intended um yeah i don't really want i know the sex would be amazing and it's a beautiful fantasy but the reality i don't really want, I know the sex would be amazing and it's a beautiful fantasy, but the reality, I don't know. I don't know if you're understanding my question. No. What's more a priority, getting your work done or being labeled a cheater? Getting my work done.

You would rather get your work done and be labeled a cheater? No, I'd rather be, get my work done and not be a cheater no i'd rather be get my work done and not be a cheater okay yeah so you're saying i can't get the work done by him by him not have sex with him that eventually i'll always have sex with him somehow you want to have sex with him that's fine you can say in the back of my mind but that's fine it's human i'm a pisces and not even though i want to have sex with them i also don't want to have sex with them okay but it sounds though I want to have sex with them, I also don't want to have sex with them. Okay. But it sounds like you want to have sex with them. And if he was single, you would totally have had sex with them.

Totally. Right? So, and since other people can do work around your house, it's a simple solution. The fact that you are having such a hard time accepting the fact there are plenty of people you can hire and you're trying to be like i don't know he's done such a good job is you making excuses and whether it's your ego or whatever part you have that's just saying hey no just like convince

yourself that he's the only person that can do this because what you want to do is get yourself in a situation where you feel like you know it just happened and you don't realize and then you wake up from this like euphoric like orgasmic experience where you're just like i don't know how that happened but it was so good and like so like don't do it you know and so it's the choice is yours as you know you're an adult woman you're in control of the situation and you're trying to figure out ways to compromise your values and the things that you say are important to you and the answer is simple you just hire someone else and and if you if you don't hire someone else then you are you know it know, it's like, what's a metaphor? You're just like,

oh, robbing a bank is wrong, you know, but I'm just going to like show up with these, you know, your friends are like, hey, we're going to rob a bank. You're like, no, it's wrong. I don't, I don't want to do that. They're like, we're going to get millions of dollars. You're like, you know, but it's stealing. They're like, yeah, well, if you come like, you know, you will definitely pay you. And you're like, no, but it's wrong. But like, I don't know, maybe it'd just be fun to watch. Well, I'll, I it's wrong. But like, I don't know. Maybe it'll just be fun to watch. Well, should I show up? I don't know.

Maybe I should show up. I don't know. And then you're just like, but it's wrong. And then like, if you show up, you're going to end up taking the money. You're going to be too tempted. It's going to seem too easy. You know, let's assume in this scenario of bank robbing,

there's a guarantee no one's getting caught. So like, you're like, oh, but it's wrong. I don't want to do it. But you show up anyways, can you tell yourself, I'm not going to take any money. I'm just going to watch them do it. I'm actually going to be there to protect them or whatever the bullshit you tell yourself. And that's the stuff that people do all the time when they, you know, get in these situations. So, you know, if you do the wrong thing, eventually you can think back in this moment and it will be your fault. You know, you will be partly the blame and it will be because you knew the right thing and you made a bunch of decisions that put you in a situation that you knew was going to lead to something wrong. And these are the lies we tell ourselves to try to make ourselves feel better

about making bad decisions. So the aspect of just expecting him to be honorable is out of the question? Well, he's not your problem. You're your problem. You can't control what he controls, and you are recognizing that you want to have sex with him. That's what i'm saying you want to put all the responsibility on him despite you wanting to have sex with them you're like well it's not my fault he's the one who's in a relationship so if

he makes a pass at me i'm you know what am i supposed to do and you are trying to put the responsibility that you have on him and i quite frankly i think that's kind of shitty and wrong people do it all the time and yeah as far as his wife is concerned like you're not her problem and she should be totally mad at him if for what he did and what he wants to do but we're talking about you we're talking about your conscience we're talking about like if you know she isn't your problem you're his wife and he isn't your problem but like you're trying to do the right thing and this is how you do the right thing and the right thing isn't putting all the responsibility on him right thanks so yeah I guess I would yeah it's funny how the unconscious comes out

and you don't realize that you are participating in it yeah but I think you realize it more than you want to okay I know I'm old and I'm smart and I know better hey but listen like I said doesn't mean I don't get turned on by a romantic fantasy. I get it, man. I get it. You know, and again, good for you. Way to have that swag, you know, like again, you know, whatever, you know, like remember that time, use it. It's, it's up to you, but if you want to do the right thing, that's how you, that's how you do it. If you want to do the right thing, that's how you do it. Choice is yours.

Well, thanks for calling. Thanks for listening. All right. Best of luck. Okay. Thank you, Nick. All right. Bye-bye.

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in the past, I have always noticed red flags and just kind of ignored them completely. And now, fast forward, I feel like I'm really good at just seeing them and cutting guys loose really quickly. But I have a hard time realizing, is this just a red flag or just something I don't like and I can get used to? And I just kind of need some help figuring that out. Give me an example of what you think a red flag is and what you think a flaw is. flaw is um for example like a red flag would be like someone who has a history of like fighting all the time or drinking all the time or showing up on a first date like really drunk that's that would be a red flag i'd right yeah and then i think this is my bad but in the past if a guy's been like a really poor planner i i just i stopped dating them because I just don't think it can really go anywhere

from there and it seems like if you're cutting out all men who are poor planners you're really limiting the pool of men you can date I agree I think that's a problem but the thing is like some guys

are really good planners I didn't say no guys are good planners. I said if you're going to eliminate guys who are planners, you're just cutting a huge percentage. I would say more than half the guys in this world wouldn't consider themselves to be good planners, especially when it comes to, like, romance. Yeah.

But there are plenty of guys who are planners. And I'm not saying know that's one of those things where yes that would be a flaw especially a prep and that would be more of a pet peeve as we've talked about before so there's nothing wrong with you value valuing a guy for being a planner and being attracted to that and that's great that if you find that right then you have to decide how am i going to prioritize this planning person you know what would you rather have like what would you rather have a guy who is a planner plans dates go out of his ways you know hey babe i got this friday

night's plan you know i mean guess what saturday's plan too and get ready for sunday i got you but also has a really bad temper you know and and when you don't like his plan he throws a temper tantrum and he gets mad and he gets angry so what would versus the guy who's like what are you doing tonight babe i don't know oh we'll think we'll think of something you know like what do you want to do i don't know we'll think of something but like either way you know if he gets frustrated he's like patient and calm and he communicates, like which one would you rather have? I mean, obviously I'd want the guy who has like a good character over planning skills.

And like I'd like to say I do that, but I obviously don't. I just – Yeah, so like you're just confusing, you know, your pet peeves and your non-negotiables, right? So like you you saying like i don't know i just if a guy's not a poor planner like you're you're treating a pet peeve like a non-negotiable yeah like you're so many so many guys who are poor planners might be great guys for you and there's so many other characteristics that you might be attracted to.

You're focusing on that. So like what else are you bugged by? I mean, sometimes like if a guy is significantly younger than me, I just see it as, I don't even know if you'd call it a red flag, but maybe just like a yellow flag. I think that's a red flag, right?

And again, red flag is not a run or you know but it's something to watch out for any age difference and i'm you know i've been in relation with someone who's younger than me you know like that is like i'm not i'm under no illusions that there are things in our relationship we have to be mindful of there's we have to give you know we got to pay attention to certain things because like we got to make sure we're on the same page and in a lot of ways we are and and she's lived a different life than i have right so you know like her early 20s were much different than mine a lot more life but that doesn't take away from the fact that i don't just like be like oh well there's

nothing to see here so you just got to pay attention to it. It is a red flag, right? It's something I have to be to acknowledge, right? So again, you can be aware of a red flag and just feel it out, you know, like you be mindful of it. So like if you're dating a guy who's like, you know, younger than you, then you're obviously what are the obvious things, you know, is he immature? You know, are we on the same level? Are we have the same life goals? You know, uh, how old are you again? I'm 34. You're on 34. So I don't know what you want. Do you want to get married? Yes. Do you want to have kids? Yeah. All the things. Right. So you want all those things. You need to be realistic about the things that you want and things that you're ready for. And right off

the bat, I wouldn't invest too much time in younger men who like to slow play things. Now, again, I would still be cautious about a guy who's like, I'm ready for marriage and kids. And he's like 24, maybe he is. Right. But like you, you still would want to, you know, Like you, you still would want to, you know, uh, and then if, if a guy says he, you know, if a 24 year old guy, 25 year old guy says he's ready for marriage and kids, then that's a great sign that he says he wants that. But I'd be curious about past relationships. You know, I'd be curious about, has he been like, has he been in love before? Has he had his heartbreak?

And has he lived some life? Has, uh, has, you know, has he talked about like, what is the situation? Let's say his past relationship, he dated for a girl for let's say a year and a half, two years, and they thought they were going to get engaged and they talked. So that means he's actively have thought about it. It is a real goal of his. And it's not just something he says to you because,

well, I'm dating an older woman. So I want her to think that I'm mature for my age. She just pay attention to little things and ask questions. So red flags are just, especially early on a reason to ask more follow-up questions. It's not a reason to run. It's just, okay, well, what does this potential red flag mean? What are the risks with this red flag? And then what are the questions I should ask this person? Again, dating is all about getting to know someone, right you have to ask questions to get to know them and be open to like hearing their answer and then processing it and and seeing where it goes and then knowing the difference between you know your pet peeves and your non-negotiables and red flags and

non-negotiables yeah other than like someone if someone shows up drunk to a date i think it's pretty disrespectful yeah you know that's bad i mean in the past i would date those guys for a year so really a whole year and just out of curiosity so like you know someone shows up drunk for a date that's a pretty big red flag now there are exceptions to every rule maybe they just like it you give them a shot you're like ah i just came from partying like you know i think yeah they they took one you know they're leaving the party i got this hot day like the friends are like oh man just take a shot man they're like you know i can see how that can happen but clearly these other people they probably kept showing you signs that the reason they were drunk in the first date means was a result of they have a hard time saying no to the shots.

You know, they have a hard time. They're people pleasers, maybe. You know, they're constantly trying to please their friends and everyone around them at the risk of upsetting their partners. People do it all the time. They want to be everyone wants to be liked. I want everyone to like me. upsetting their partners. People do it all the time. They want to be, everyone wants to be liked. I want everyone to like me. And you know, everyone, you know, that's what people,

likable people have their red flags too, because what do they have to do to get everyone to like them? You know, and maybe they're too busy pleasing everyone rather than pleasing the people they really value and want in their lives. So, you know, that's something to consider or take a look at. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I think in general, I've just been thinking about red flags differently. For some reason, I just, when I see one, I'm like, I run. And then that's the end of it. But I think, like... Well, you're probably overcompensating for the fact that, like, you can acknowledge that you've ignored red flags in the past.

Oh, yeah. And, like, you went from dating a guy who showed up drunk on the first date and then throughout your year relationship gave you plenty of reasons of why you should not be in this relationship that solidified that he – it wasn't an accident that he showed up drunk. It was kind of part of his personality. And now you're realizing this and then you've used that information to like not go out with guys who won't plan you know yeah it's pretty bad it's

one extreme to the other but i'm trying find the balance you know i have conversation like do you talk to yourself we all do but like i talk like what is it yeah i'm saying like when you when you meet the guy who's not a planner, what's the conversation going on in your head? How do you make that decision? Or do you just say, nope, planner, end? Do you not have that dialogue with yourself? I 100% do. I just say to myself, well, if I want to eventually settle down and have a unit of some sort, I'm going to need someone who can plan ahead and have structure and dah, dah, dah. It's just like a maturity thing. I just assume like everyone after 30 knows how to plan, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't know what I'm doing for lunch. Well, actually, I'm a creature of habit.

The only planning I do is the same thing over and over because I'm a creature of habit. So I know where I'm getting lunch because that's just where I get lunch. I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. How do you live your life, though? What do you mean? Like if you don't plan, like how do you know what you'm doing tonight. How do you live your life though? What do you mean? Like if you don't plan like how do you know what you're doing? Something. I'm going to do something. I don't have anything I have to do.

If there's things I have to do that are important and if they're a priority but like every night doesn't have to be a priority. I know. That's true. I just I don't know. i just thought planning and maturity go hand in hand but no not not in its simplest form i mean like when i i have goals i have priorities and those goals and priorities i do have some sort of plan i have a goal i you know right so in that respect sure i'm i'm more of a goal-oriented person who like

can visualize a plan of how to meet a goal but that has nothing to do with like what i'm doing this weekend yeah i hear you you know when people come up to me in like october and they're just like so what are you what should we do for new year's eve i'm like are you kidding me me in like october and they're just like so what are you what should we do for new year's eve i'm like are you fucking kidding me it's october i know some people know what they want to do though well there's a there's pros and cons to that like some people get overly committed to like making plans about one silly night you know two months in advance and then you hype it up and it's just like again so it depends on what you're planning for i know i just i do think sometimes it's a green flag in the sense that if you can plan, you

can commit to something. And I know it's not that black and white, but like when I think of someone who can stick to a plan, I'm like, oh, you can stick to other things in your life. I think that's, yeah, that's a dangerous analogy. Just because someone like knows how to plan a Halloween costume on September 15th doesn't necessarily mean they're going to be a good partner in any way shape or form I know if it's that simple I know it's not that simple but I don't know it's just like an attractive quality in someone I'm not saying don't find it attractive

I'm saying just put it in something that you like just like i i don't know you know just like it was like oh it'd be cool like to like date a girl who likes the packers yeah you know or you know it's like it's a nice to have it's not a necessity yeah and it's not a red flag no i mean again like it depends on the context matters in this situation very much so and when what you refer to as planning but you're making a huge generalization on what planning means especially when it comes to like planning a weekend or planning a trip you know you know my when it comes for me planning a trip it's like i want to travel so let's do it and we'll figure it out and there's some planning it just all depends on how big of a goal it is but like you know i don't my i don't have a my like it's friday afternoon

and i don't have a goal of having the most amazing weekend of my life, you know? So I'm not really going out of my way to make sure that I have the most amazing weekend of my life. It'll be fine one way or the other. Right? If I think to myself, I want to do something nice for my girlfriend this weekend, I will make some sort of plan. Mm-hmm. You know? But like I'm not a planner.

You know, but like, I'm not a planner, you know? Um, so yeah, I think you're probably missing out on some pretty nice guys by guys who aren't willing to like go out of the way to plan a big date or something, or who guys have been like, I don't know, like what tomorrow's New Year's Eve. Oh, cool. Like I'll figure it out yeah i probably am i think i'm emphasizing the importance of planning too much but i think it's only because in the past there hasn't been a lot of planning and so it's just like something i crave but obviously it's not the only thing in somebody there's a lot more to it well yeah a lot more uh yeah like exactly like you could have a planner who has a drinking problem yeah that would be bad yeah so you know it's just paying attention to you know again like you said pet peeves non-negotiables red flags versus things that kind of annoy you

or things you prefer so you get you need to really sit down and figure out some of the triggering things from people in your past and figure out what those qualities are and and and really figure out how to identify those and people and you're you're you're kind of all over the map on on what you think it's you know what to look for now because you know and to some you know you just uh you know so yeah just get better at looking for that because you're right now kind of projecting the wrong things and then you're you're um limiting you know potentially good guys who could be very reliable very kind uh very responsible and not be planners yeah that takes a while to wrap my head around, but it's true. I'm definitely confusing the two. Yeah, that makes sense. But people do that all the time. So it's good that you can recognize that and thank you for

calling in because I think that's something people do a lot. And we talk a lot about not red flags, non-negotiables, pet peeves. I know Logan Urie obviously talked a lot about that in her book, and we've been talking a lot about it since. But, you know, in theory, you know, people understand the concept between confusing red flags and pet peeves, but this is a very specific thing where you're confusing being a planner with being reliable. Yeah, I am.

And someone who's not reliable, someone you can't count on is definitely a non-negotiable 100 so yeah you are gonna have to give people a chance to show you that they're not reliable but when they show you don't date them for a year, when they show up drunk for a first date, that's not reliable. That's bad, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's not a good one. If they're constantly changing plans, you know, that's not reliable. When you ask them to do something and they said they're going to do it and they don't do it, that's not reliable. Yeah.

And they give them maybe a couple of chances, but after that, especially if you don't have any or if you have more reasons if they've shown you more that they're unreliable and reliable then you have your answer especially early on but you're gonna have to like give some people a shot even though you've been disappointed in the past but once again like the good news is is this is not because you you've settled too much. You've given people excuses. And so now you just have to pay attention to it and let go.

So do that instead of one of the two extremes. Yeah, I'm going to get somewhere in the middle. That's the goal. There you go. All right, well, thank you for calling. That was really helpful. All right, take care. You too.

Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. Thanks. How are you? Good. What's your name? Hi, I'm Sarah.

I'm 32. How can I help, Sarah? Well, I've been seeing a guy for about two months. The first couple of weeks, we were texting constantly. He's always, always texting texting me giving me lots of compliments um our first couple dates he told me he's you know really into me he's intimidated by me um and you know would go on lists about all this stuff he likes about me um the last few weeks he's been kind of fizzling off a little bit um not texting as much, no compliments, you know, like barely talking. So I thought,

no big deal. He's not really into it. And I kind of stopped texting him as much. And then just two days ago, it was my birthday. And in the morning, I walked up to my car and I found a big bouquet of flowers and cheesecake and a card on my windshield from this guy that I was seeing. Now he lives about an hour away from me. So at five o'clock in the morning, he woke up, got his kids ready for school, got someone else to take his kids to school, and then drove an hour to my house and hour back to work. So I thought that's a pretty big statement. Obviously, he likes me. And then, yeah, and then since then, he hasn't said more than two or three words to me.

What was your response to the gift? You know, I text him right away. I just said like, oh, you should see the smile on my face right now. You know, I'm so happy. You're so nice. That makes you feel great. You know, I was really happy about it. And keep in mind, whenever I do text him, he texts me back right away.

Never like waiting hours or anything like that i just can't figure out like is he just comfortable not talking to me a lot or does he like me does he not how long have you been dating this guy about two months two months how often do you hang out um well that's the thing. We both have kids, so we see each other maybe every 10 days or so. That's another thing is there doesn't seem to be any sense of urgency. I haven't seen him in two weeks now. And I said something about just hanging out, and he said, yeah, we definitely can. But, you know, wasn't trying to push to plan a date or anything.

And he's got kids and so i mean we're off to like so yeah i mean listen the going that's that's a yeah that was a big move right you know he really went out of his way to do that yeah i mean look most guys in like that's a big thing it's a real he went out of definitely went out of his way. So like he didn't do that on accident. He, it was like, you know, I can get flowers for my girlfriend. I'd be like, Hey Cindy, can you bring some flowers over on your way over to do, you know, housework and I still get credit for like getting Natalie flowers, you know?

And it's still like, she's still like, you got me flowers, but like, you know, I didn't drive anywhere and I minimal effort right it's not and that's not to say that like I now I shouldn't be happy I got her flowers but just to be totally candid it didn't take all that much which speaks to like maybe I should just keep doing the things that are you know like men don't even do the things that they don't have to put much effort in. This guy is waking up at 5 o'clock in the morning and he has to find people to cover for him, etc., etc., etc. So that is definitely something. There's no reason to think he's lying about his situation?

No, no, not at all. He sent me a screenshot. Both of his kids play pretty high up hockey and he sent me screenshots of their schedule and that kind of thing so i know he is really busy with them but you know and i listen to your podcast all the time like i'm aware it takes 30 seconds to send me a text you know it's not yeah So to say he's too busy to talk to me is silly, but. Have you, have you, have you like asked him in terms of like, he can be busy. You've been dating him for two months.

That's a decent amount of time, especially if he's doing these grand gestures for your birthday to check in and say, Hey, well, what's, you know hey, well, what's going on? Set some expectations around. Is there something here? Do we want to invest more time? You know, like two months. You don't want to put too much expectation

around someone you just started dating. It's still pretty early, especially with you guys having kids. You you have other priorities and everything's going on and you and two you two know very little bit about each other so you're just like i don't want to invest too much in someone i don't know but now at two months it's it's okay to at least say all right well i don't know if you like me but i still like you So I'd like to be a little bit more of a priority. I'd like to see you more. I'd like to make more of an effort, whatever that is.

If he's got hockey games with his kids, maybe can you go to a hockey game or something? And so you're just going to have to be able to ask him, do you like me? And just say, I'm really enjoying, I'd like to see you more. I'd like to spend more time with you. Overthinking how much a guy texts you or doesn't text you, yeah, that's dangerous territory because guys, we just don't think, it's, how old is he?

37. Yeah, 37 with kids i make texts it's it's it's something he's just like doesn't have the energy to do yeah yeah that's the thing i felt you know silly saying that um because and i know when you start dating someone it's going to be you're going to be texting a lot more and frequent but then after like the first initial like yeah i mean it's uh it's still early enough that like you know with the fact that he has kids the fact that you guys live a bit away like if this is gonna work he's gonna have to make it a priority right and now that's something instead of you focusing on does he like me you should focus on what if he does like me and this is how much time he's willing to invest in this relationship

yeah yeah that's true and and if so what does that tell you like what do you are you okay with that yeah yeah the first couple weeks he did you know he'd shuffle his kids around or get someone to Are you okay with that? Yeah. The first couple weeks, he'd shuffle his kids around or get someone to take them to hockey instead just so that he could see me. Yeah. Now, that's not happening as much. Also, not a good sign, I think. Yeah, because one of those things, I can't sit there and say, oh, he definitely doesn't like you.

I don't know what it's like to be a single dad and prioritize that i can tell you that both men and women you know will definitely settle in to their groove once they get comfortable and people can get comfortable after a month or two or they make it comfortable after six months or a year and clearly this guy has shown the ability to go out of his way so you know what he's capable of and so the fact that he is not and and i'm guessing i don't want to speak for you but i'm guessing you would prefer him to go out of his way on a more consistent basis without and not requiring it to be such a grand gesture all the time like you don't need him to wake up at five in the morning and get someone to cover for him. And while you love the flowers and it was all great,

you would rather just like have him prioritize seeing you a little bit more often. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, I'm not needy. I don't need him to see me, you know, five times a week. We both have lives and everything, but yeah, I definitely don't want to be like. Yeah, i think the thing to do is to check in with him and just let him know where you're at i like yeah if you like them then you say you like them

if you want to spend more time with them you spend more time with them and you just say hey is there a way we can you know see each other more i want to get to know you more and and i know we're busy but again it's about making the time right you might say oh i'm just sorry i'm just i'm just so busy i do like you and you don't want to convince them you know it comes it comes down to is he willing to make it a priority? Because you're right. Like how can you really get to know someone seeing them every 10 days and him texting you every so often? And if you only got to see each other every 10 days, then yeah, he would need to step it up

on other forms of communication, text, Zoom, FaceTime dates at night or whatever, and just be consistent. And what you're lacking with him is this consistency. So I think it's good that you tell him that you want more consistency without like, I want more consistency, but like, I just want to get, I want to spend more time with you, whatever that means. And I'm getting a sense from you that it's unclear and,

and see what he says and then see if he, if he gets defensive, then that's a good indicator that he doesn't want to change. Yeah, that's true. And it doesn't really matter if he likes you or not. So you know what I'm saying? That's an easy way to figure out because you know, a lot of women in your position, well, the big question you ask yourself is, does he like me? Right. So then you'll say, how do you like me? And he says, yeah, I like you. Oh, thank God. Okay, good.

I wasn't sure. Right. And then you put so much weight into him saying he likes you that nothing really changes because you got that validation because you were so afraid that he wouldn't like you. Right. So instead of worrying about that, again, when we say this a lot what do you want and you want to spend more time and and and and you kind of give them the roadmap or the playbook of what time how you want to spend that time and you know you're like hey listen i get we have priorities it's just again i you want a

facetime date i just i want to talk to you more i fuck i i don't know that much about you and i i loved i loved that what you did for my birthday. It was so nice, you know. But I'd rather like just have, I would rather just be more consistent in getting to know you because there's still so much I'm so interested in and want to learn. And again, a big indicator of how someone,

how much they're willing to kind of meet you in the middle or compromise is how defensive they get or not get. And if he's just like, well, I don well i don't know i'm just busy like what do you want me to do or i don't know i'll try like that's he's not it's not going to happen so it doesn't really matter whether he tells you he likes you or not it's his it's how he it's how he responds i mean if he doesn't say if he's like i don't know i'm not'm not feeling anything, you have your answer. But also, I really like you. Oh, no, I like you also doesn't mean much either. I like you, but, you know, means I don't like you enough.

I think I did a TikTok or something like that. But when you tell him what you want, when you tell him what you're looking for, pay very close attention to his answer. And if there's a but in there, then I think it's time to... And he very well may like you. So then you can tell your ego to just chill out, right?

Because it's not about, oh, he doesn't like me. It's this is how he likes you. And maybe he's just not in a position to... And even if this is who he is, right? Then there's a lot of people who love to bide their time with grand gestures. But, you know, grand gestures are not what make a relationship. It's the consistency.

It's showing up. It's being able to count on someone and rely on them and them making you a priority. And he might not be in a position to make anyone a priority right now because maybe he's just in full-on dad mode. And I can, you know, I'm sure as a single parent, you can understand, you know, sometimes you just solve up the kids and right now he might just be focused on that, but you don't want, don't,

don't make the mistake of trying to make this work just because there's a little bit of interest there. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. and do you think this is a conversation i can have over text or should i wait i would attack i would definitely it doesn't have to be in person but over the phone at the minimum or facetime i mean again i with technology being what it is today and how socially acceptable facetime is There's absolutely like no reason in a dating situation people should not at a minimum be communicating through that because you want to see his body language. You want to see, does he roll his eyes?

Does he, you know, how does he look? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Texts really, really, really, I mean, there's almost no way you won't be more confused if you have this conversation via text. Yeah, that's true. You give them time to think about it. You give them time to maybe ask questions how you can respond. And then you might take it the wrong way.

Again, when you read text, you read it in how you're feeling, not how they're feeling. Right. read text you read it in how you're feeling not how they're feeling right but when you facetime it's you hear their voice you hear their tone of the voice you their body language all these things are are big indicator indicators um of how he how they really feel yeah that's true okay the only right answer he can give you when you tell him what you want is oh my god thank you for sharing i really i don't i like you like i've been feeling the same way you know what you make a good point like you're right let's let's spend more time together it's the only right answer i like you but i'm just busy and my kids is like and again he may

very well like you but you he's letting you know that he has no real plans of actually changing. And then you're just going to have to accept this, this amount of time he's willing to give you and know what you're willing to accept before you ask for answer. Don't decide if you're willing to accept what he's willing to give. Like have your boundaries set before you tell him. Right? And right now you know that this isn't enough for you and that's okay. And there's no thought of like, am I asking too much?

Like, no, it's just like, I want to date a guy who's willing to spend more time with me that's it and some people this might be the perfect amount of time it's not perfect for you so don't don't settle yeah that's the thing like i was pretty confident and then when he started fizzling i went oh you know he's not into it that's fine but yeah you never know just just yeah don't don't guess just let him know what you want. And you might, you just, I definitely will say a lot of guys

just, you know, we get absent-minded. We're not thinking about it. We get a little comfortable. We can get a little lazy and it doesn't mean, and sometimes we just need to hear, I'd like to spend more time and the right guy who likes you is going to be like, oh God, yeah, totally. Oh my God, yes. And I can't, I don't know how it's going to be.

It could go either way. He may very well just need to hear it from you. And he may well just not be really able, you know, and don't make it about you. Don't be like, oh, he doesn't like me. Like maybe he's just focused on being a good dad right now. Yeah. That's all he can really give you.

But it doesn't mean you should accept less. All right. Okay, cool. Thank you very much. All right. No problem. Best of luck.

Thank you for calling in. Thank you. Have a good day. All right. You too. Take care. How's it going? Good.

How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Alyssa and I'm 27 years old. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Alyssa and I'm 27 years old. How can I help Alyssa? So I have a little bit of a friend romantic dilemma. I'm going to try and make this story short, but I had this acquaintance. We had a lot of mutual friends.

We recently went on a group trip together and we really hit it off. Super flirty. The weeks following with it, spent a lot of time together in group settings and got really like way closer, affectionate physically, nothing more than like a kiss on the cheek, but would talk about like future plans and stuff. And I was apprehensive to take it any further because we are in the same friend group. And then I kind of got the balls to ask him out on a date. And he said yes, but we were both out of town the next week. And nothing really happened after that. And when we saw each other the next

time, I was a little bit standoffish because I was embarrassed. And I didn't know where we were at with each other. And one of our mutual friends asked him, what's going on with you guys? Are you going to go on a date? It's obvious that you like each other. And he kind of gave the same answer saying yes, but I'm also apprehensive because we're friends. We're in the same friend group so i just don't know where to go from here um because i like him but uh i i don't want to like beat a dead horse if he's not into it

well i think you both have the you both have the same problem of pretending you guys are friends yeah and then you know the friend group kind of makes it super inconvenient because You both have the same problem of pretending you guys are friends. Yeah. And then, you know, the friend group kind of makes it super inconvenient because, you know, the group, everyone's always protective of the group. But you're not friends. There's nothing to protect. So one of you two are just going to have to muster up the courage to make the first move.

And I'm sure you would love it to be him. he would probably love it to be you um and someone's just gonna have to do it yeah but you're not i said this before a lot on questions with nick because i get that question a lot then is you're not friends stop saying you are even if you were unsure about his feelings towards you even if you didn't get some sort of confirmation about like yeah i mean it's great but like if once you start feeling romantically about someone and you're you know and you want to pursue something like that's not a friendship yeah and i found myself like not going to certain social gatherings because i know he's going to be there and i can't act as if we're friends like i can't go back to like how it was it for me it's like

i either need to like go all in and like do this with him or like i can't be friends with you so why can't it's not comfortable for me why can't you make the first i mean why can't you make the first move you're at a point where it's already affecting your choices and rightfully so i get it like good for you for setting those boundaries but like why can't you now just do it i guess i'm scared and i also feel like i did make that first move initially to ask him out and I didn't necessarily get the response that I wanted. What did he say again? What did it remind me?

He said, he said yes. Um, but then we were both out of town the next week and I kind of followed up with the text just to like check in and like say, Hey, like, how are you?

And like, it never went anywhere. And I was hoping that, you know, I put the ball in his court and he would take the lead but he didn't all right well that's maybe a sign that he doesn't want it yeah um and and in your basing his potential interest what are some of the signs that he does want it? When we're together, we're very physically affectionate. We've talked a lot about future plans,

and he'll say things like, we have this trip planned with our other friends, and he's like, we're going to share a room, right? And I'm like, yeah. Have you guys hooked up? We haven't all right so if if my answer still stands you leaders just have to go for it and since i'm talking to you i'm just going to tell you to go for it because i can't convince him to do it yeah right and yeah it's still possible he's just reluctant about this and and like you kind of like is making it more confusing than it needs to be so you need to

explain you know instead of just be like hey do you want to go out because you asking him out doesn't uh give him any clarity on well what do we do if it doesn't work out type of bullshit questions we often ask ourselves. So part of you making this move would to be like, hey, let's get together. Don't ask him on a date. Just say, let's grab a coffee. I want to talk.

I don't know, face, you know, do it in person if you if you can and just say i want to try to i want to i i like you i feel strongly about you romantically and so any thought of like ruining this friendship that we have i'm well past that because even if you don't feel the same way about me and that's and i will respect that like i'm gonna have to like i don't want to be your pal i i'm not interested in that so like i'm not worried about ruining our friendship because like i don't think of you that way anymore i think of you as something more so this is just me letting you know because i i want to see and then, it's always great to like,

you can be vulnerable and play it cool at the same time. The playing it cool is to go, go for it. Don't, don't leave anything on the table, but also, also don't act like you're going to die. If you don't get the answer you want. Yeah. Just be like, I'm going to, I'll, I get the answer you want yeah just be like i'm gonna i'll i'll live i'll be okay but i need to i'm strong enough you know be that show the strength that he probably wishes he

had in himself and that's attractive okay and i don't know what he's gonna say but at least he'll get a clear answer and and not let him beat around the bush about like well i don't know i don't want to ruin our friendship like fuck it i don't care like, well, I don't know. I don't want to ruin our friendship. Like, fuck it. I don't care about the friend group. I don't care about our friendship. I don't really like, we're not that good of friends anyways. But I think we could be great lovers,

you know, have some fun with it. I don't know. But really put yourself out there. Okay. And I would tell him the same thing if he called up and said, you know, and who does it first ultimately doesn't matter. Okay.

It's also quite something you can give him shit for in a playful way if your boyfriend and girlfriend are like, hey, way to nut up. Oh, wait, you didn't. You know? I don't matter. Okay. It's also quite something you can give them shit for in a playful way. If your boyfriend and girlfriend like, Hey, wait a nut up when, Oh wait, you didn't, you know, I don't know. But like, it really doesn't matter. It really, it makes no difference. So you might as well do it and do it in person and have a conversation like this whole, like, we should go on a date. Uh, what I can see, you can, I can see how that could be confusing for him and how he how he might drag his feet even if he kind of likes you too really in what way well because again if you are quote unquote friends you have this friend group but you asked him out like like a random girl would have asked him out like it's not that simple okay you know like if you're on a dating app and you meet some guy

you're like hey yeah i mean like i don't know you like your face let's grab a drink and he's like cool i got nothing to lose i don't even know who this chick is and so yeah sure and it sounds to me like that's kind of what you did but that's not what it was what it was was like we're friends and we have this whole group and like we know each other but like we're gonna pretend that we're not friends like just acknowledge what the situation is and just go from there you know like you're trying to like pretend it's not what it you know just put it all out there yeah yeah all right well i'm excited i'm gonna do this great and i'm glad you're excited it's better than being scared yeah i think this is gonna be a huge moment for me to be vulnerable and put myself out there regardless of the outcome.

Yeah. I feel pretty empowered right now to do this. Great. So I'm going to try and act on it while I can. And if you don't get the answer you want, you will be okay. And don't let them see you be sad. There's nothing more attractive than a girl being vulnerable and being like, I like you. And then being like, it's cool.

I'll be cool. Don't let him see you get all sad. Just be like, okay, well, I'm glad. I'm so, I'm glad I told you. And yeah, okay, cool. And then go home and cry to your friends. That's fine. But don't let him see it.

Don't like, let him know what is, is also, it is true. You will be fine. And let him see you be fine when he doesn't get be fine when you don't get the answer you want, if that happens. Okay. My natural reaction to him not reciprocating it would be to kind of retreat and not see him or any of our friends or really just mainly him. Well, that's fine.

And you're making that clear. You're letting him know, listen, I don't want to be your friend. So while I'll be fine, I still like feel a certain way. And yeah, that's okay with letting them know that there's a processing period that, and like, you don't want to be his friend and who knows if it will change, but I don't like, it's nothing against you. I'm not mad. I just don't want to keep hanging out with you.

I don't want to keep pretending to be your friend because I want to be have something more like just you know like that's the vulnerable side like it's just that you don't want to be like oh well i and you don't want to be like well i guess we'll be friends because i have like this idea that you'll you'll do whatever it takes to have him in your life that's what you that that's the one thing you don't want him to think. Yeah. Because that's what we often do. It's like, well, you're so special to me, but I'll just do whatever it is you want to still have whatever it is you're willing to offer me

to be in your life. And people will take advantage of that, even if they think they love you and care about you. But that's what he can't think. Yeah, I'm going to go on and live my life. Here's what you are willing to accept. Here's his options to have you in his life and it's up to him whether he wants to take you up on that offer okay all right i'm gonna lay

it out i'm gonna ask him you're offering a proposition he can buy he cannot buy either way that's the offer take it or leave it. You're not negotiating. I love that. All right. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your advice. All right. Best of luck. Thank you.

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Cast with a K. Always need your stories. Be sure to check out our recap with Max, musical guest on The Bachelorette, Bachelor fanatic. And check out our episode on Wednesday with the legendary Steve-O from Jackass. You won't want to miss those episodes.

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