The Viall Files - E292 Ask Nick - Can You Be Too Emotional?

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we begin by speaking with someone who says she is “highly emotional” and working on it in therapy, but doesn’t think that her boyfriend should poke at her insecurities when they get into a fight. Second, we have  a woman who’s friendship with a guy has grown into something more, but he is moving to a different country and after a month of starting to date each other he wants to have a long distance commitment but she is unsure if it is the right decision for them. Next, a boyfriend makes plans that don’t include his girlfriend over a holiday weekend which included her birthday, so in turn she uninvited him to her birthday, and now she is wondering if she was being too spiteful. Finally, we chat with a woman who spent time with someone in her friend group on a vacation and she thinks there may be something there but she has yet to hear from him and is unsure if she should make the first move.  “He wants something to be certain of, knowing he is going into a world of uncertainty.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! Don't forget to nominate The Viall Files for a People's Choice Podcast Award: https://www.podcastawards.com/ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com use promo code VIALL to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Ritual: http://www.ritual.com/VIALL Ritual offers a money-back guarantee if you’re not 100% in love. Plus, our listeners get 10% off during your first 3 months. Add Essential Protein today.  Ouai: http://www.theouai.com use code VIALL to get 15% off your entire purchase. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy monday welcome back to another episode of the vile files you probably just heard me plead with you to uh go ahead and vote for the vile files for uh top or the podcast people's choice awards and you can vote for vile files under society and culture and uh top male host if you want to that'd be great i couldn't thank you enough for you guys doing so really appreciate it so go ahead and do that we got a great week for you uh we got the bachelor recap and on wednesday we have Olivia O'Brien, a very talented musician. Somebody who's just very open about dating and relationships.

And we have a fun conversation with her, give her perspective on her love life and life in general. And you will not want to miss that. Be sure to check that out. Other than that, congratulations to Travis for getting engaged do how did you do it tell the audience give them a reminder that love still is real I don't know if you can hear me out there but love is real tell you that what did you what did you do how did you pop the question, I took her to our hometown area

and to a very special spot and kind of just spilled out my heart and that's how it went. And she said yes. Is it like in Shawshank Redemption, like under the tree with a black stone, like kind of like special hometown? I guess you could say.

Yeah, okay. And she said yes? It yes so nice to her yeah i mean i don't want to imply she can get murdered by someone else but if you've seen the movie you know what i'm talking about that little tree but like he used to like make love to his wife and and you know uh congratulations travis well done um we have a great episode for you as always um i think that's all i really can say i mean anything i'm leaving out before we just get to what the people really want yeah do it get them what they want get what you want online merch uh we have some merch the tie-dye hoodies are back tie-dye hoodies they're really popular so comfortable yeah

they're soft motherfuckers amanda playing house again having fun with oh my god amanda's playing house again but you really like this gentleman yeah um i would say i'm responsibly playing house like i say i'm playing house more to just like name the fact that we've been spending a lot of time together. But I don't actually I'm not under any delusions that things are moving quicker than they are. But I have a lot of hope. Have you defined the situation? Nope. And I also I hope we don't for a little while because I'm participating in this thing with

my friends called the Hot Girl Summer Games. Which is? Which is a points-based tournament system where you get points for doing various activities ranging from taking yourself on a date, going dancing, getting someone to buy you a drink, various things such as that. And you lose 100 points if you enter a relationship during the Hot Girl Summer Games. You're so fucked. So we're hoping no definitions.

What the hell? This sounds fun. I don't know how productive it will be for your own personal life. It's very productive because not hooking up with an ex is if you hook up with an ex, you lose 100 points. And so that was really pivotal when I was at a low point these past few weeks but finding love also is as bad as hooking up with an ex for hot girl summer yes it is i i feel like on principle alone it shouldn't be the same worth points wise hooking up with an ex should be like

150 points no a lot of people i feel like a lot of people are recycling exes these days like i feel like a lot of my a lot of my friends are back with their exes no i get it well it's also which is why you should penalize it if we're considering like hot girl summer is prime options open hooking up with an ex emotionally bad devastating move but you can move forward getting into a relationship it's like you are now really limiting the activities you can participate in. What is the goal of Hot Girl Summer? It's really just like a fun thing I'm doing with my friends. No, I get it. But like, is there a, I mean, I understand it's Hot Girl Summer. A lot of the items on the list are sort of like more adventurous things. And so I think it's about giving you a framework to sort of empower yourself and take some risks and have some fun.

Exactly. Which is why I still think my argument applies that if we're trying to have a positive note on hot girl summer, which I think is great. You're like applying these like points you can earn, like taking yourself on a date. You said as an example, like what a cool kind of like empowering, like I don't need anyone else kind of thing what are some other positive points you can receive i'll open the spreadsheet why do i feel like i would win at this um you wouldn't ally all i do is hang out with myself i don't even know what's on the spreadsheet but this is this screw you guys this was inspired by tiktok by something on tiktok but my roommate is the one who sort of finalized it. So some other, so, you know, you get one point for kissing someone. You get one point for asking

for someone's number. Oh, I'm already up. You get 18 points for sending a nude or for going on a vacation with friends. If you have sex in a car, you get 18 points. uh okay i'll go to the 50 point categories if you surprise someone in lingerie under clothes you get 50 points if you drink a whole bottle by yourself you get 50 points if you go streaking um if you you're not gonna like this one um i'm not gonna say that one uh if you get flown to someone what is it flown one of them is if you steal something from a man you get 50 points yeah i don't like so theft is is it has to be from a man stealing not great but if it's a guy it's cool yes gotcha it's uh wealth redistribution am i too old for this is that why i'm just like what is going on it's a the patriarchy is the... Okay.

I still stand by X should be worth more than falling in love. Under the guise of it's a toxic activity that's going to de-empower you emotionally. De-empower? Is that even a word? No. It's going to reduce your power. Hot Girl Summer is about going forward, is it not or hot guy summer just hot person summer isn't that what i feel like it's like the roaring 20s like going out partying

being free hooking up like recycling dirty laundry and trash is the opposite of hot girl summer i think yeah just me just going back to an ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on yeah yeah and while finding love is not necessarily great for hot girl summer it's definitely shouldn't be worth the same as putting on dirty laundry after your shower i think you're really intellectualizing something that is very loose i understand it's a silly game but i'm just saying That's a good point Well best of luck On this game We

Again I think it's just time to Get to our call Question time with Nick Let's ask Nick your sexy Questions How's it going Hi Nick I'm Lola and I'm 27 Years old How can I help lola um so i broke up

with my boyfriend two weeks ago after we had two um pretty big fights that occurred within two weeks of each other okay um just to give you a little bit of background surrounding the circumstances um the first fight was a week before the anniversary of his brother's death and Father's Day and his dad has also passed as well so it's like a really difficult time for him and then the second fight was the week after that okay um so the first fight was really stupid it was just like I guess I wasn't giving him enough attention and then he got passive aggressive and um then the next day when we tried to talk about it he was

like you're overly emotional um i can't deal with yeah he was like i just can't you act like a child i can't deal with it um backtrack for a second hold on one second but the fight started when he accused you of not being there for him enough it wasn't related to being there for him it was something stupid we've been reading self-help books together and we've been taking notes about them and i guess his understanding was that we I had taken notes for all of the book and his understanding was that we were going to do the last two chapters together I was scrolling through Instagram not giving him enough attention and then he just went in the other room and started reading a book without me I got annoyed I got emotional because I am a hyper emotional person and

what does that mean he just I cry I get very much I mean I don't know maybe you are I don't know like is this self-diagnosed or like has like as this is your take on things it's a self-diagnosis but I've definitely had issues with being hyper emotional like with i've had friends that have had issues with it and okay um so you recognize i'm in therapy gotcha okay all right yes um so i got emotional the next day he like picks up my insecurities you're acting like a child blah blah, blah, blah. It's summer again. And that means hot summer days and nights that are too hot to get any sleep. Enter Brooklyn and a company that I, you know, I love, and they have crisp sheets that breathe to keep you cool. You can say goodbye to sweaty summer nights. That's right. You know, listen, you know, I love Brooklyn and

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Do any of them cover communication and things like that? Yeah, all of them. The irony that you guys are fighting over this stuff is kind of rich. We're reading, we read Empowered Love, which I suggest to like everybody. It was a really good book. Now I'm reading a book called The Assertiveness Guide for Women, which I think is going to be very helpful for me. So anyways, when we came back after like the big explosion, I was like, I, it's not fair for you to like pick up my insecurities. You know that I'm emotional. Like, it's not fair for you to, like, pick at my insecurities.

You know that I'm emotional. I've been forward with you about that. I'm working on it, and I'm trying to be better. But it's not fair for you to, like, call me a child and pick at those things. And so then we moved on, and I was like, this is a boundary. I'm not going to deal with it if you speak to me that way again. So then two weeks go by. We have another fight. This time he's being secretive.

Can I ask you a question? I agree with you, but I just have one question. Has he done this? Is this a regular thing for him to do this? Or was it like he reached his limit with you and finally said something that really hurt and he would probably agree was a little too much but he just kind of like finally like reached a limit or or or like he just this is how he talks to you and you're just

you finally put your foot down that makes sense um i think that it's we've had issues with him being very dismissive in the past um and this isn't so much dismissive this is you know yeah you you you said hey i'm a hypersensitive person i recognize my my shortcomings here and sometimes i might be so sensitive that i react to my frustration in a way that probably I could work on, right? So you recognize that. And then you said the next day he was just like, you're a child. Like he pointed, name called and reacted to this hypersensitivity. And again, you know, someone who might be hypersensitive,

a mean way of criticizing someone might be able to, might be calling them a child right like only children act this emotional about things that you know they that aren't they should recognize aren't that big of a deal or they'll handle it in a less emotional way and my question to you is you know i'm a calm guy right uh level head but like everyone can reach a breaking point where it's like you know what fuck it i'm i've had enough and then you say things and that doesn't make it okay that you said it you're still wrong it still deserves an apology and even you saying that you're just like i can't believe i reached that point of anger i i kind of i snapped or you

know whatever and i guess my question my question to you about this first fight is is it more he finally snapped and called you name a name call because he he could be doing this also people i've you date people where he they always name call like does was this the first time he's called you a baby or a child or was this like the 30th time I think that this was the first time. I guess the reason that it was like I set a boundary and I need to I was trying to be assertive and say, like, I don't deal with this. And the issue then became we moved on from it and we were fine. The issue then came two weeks later when we had another fight and he uses the same. Okay. The initial fight was about him being secretive about hanging out with neighbors. I don't think he was doing anything weird.

But to me, openness and honesty is important in a relationship. And he, again, was like, you're just being overly emotional. And he again was like, you're just being overly emotional. Like, and just jabbing me again immediately as soon as I brought up the fact that I wanted like an open, honest relationship. And so the fact that it was within two weeks and we've been dating for like eight months. So I'm, I feel like it's, these are when the red flags start to show you like put put your best foot forward and then right around this time people start to show their true colors um so after the second fight when he did the same thing again I kind of like left to cool off we reconvened

the next day I was like we need to talk and he was like I'm not ready to talk I was like okay I understand you need space when can we get together like I'm trying to use all these skills that we're reading in these books like when's the time that we can meet back up and like so because I get very anxious you need need your space. That's fine. And he wouldn't give me a time. He's like, I don't know when I'm going to be ready. So I just reached a breaking point, and I was like, this obviously isn't important enough to you.

So I ended up being like, well, where do you think this relationship, like where do we go from here? And he was like, I feel like this is over. I said, I feel like this is over too. To me, that's a breakup, but I started packing up my stuff at his place and then he was like are we going to the beach I was like what are you talking about we just broke up like um so I guess like my biggest question is like do you think that I made an emotional decision because of like the situation like this surrounding circumstances of his trauma and all of that stuff um should I given him more time I don't know how does he he is 20 he'll be 29 in August no I know I don't i think sounds like you made the right call

okay you know it's just you you guys broke up and i i really am a big believer and it got to a point where you started throwing out the we should break up kind of language and i think if you're uh see if you get to that point there's there's a good reason to break up you know it doesn't sound like you said it to get a reaction it sounds like when you said it you meant it right you really thought you know you probably should now we don't know if he said it to get a reaction. Do you know that for sure? I feel like he might have. I feel like sometimes he can be, like, controlling and manipulative.

And, like, looking back at the relationship, I just saw little red flags here and there and maybe that's just me trying to like protect myself from like feeling sadness that I lost this person because I'm definitely upset about it I haven't been in a relationship this long since high school so it's really my first adult relationship why were you guys reading these books together? How'd that start? So he actually got out of a six year relationship a few months before we started dating. And he was kind of taking accountability for his downfalls and how he and his responsibility and how things went wrong. and he didn't want to make the same mistakes again.

So it was kind of something that he was working on, but then we ended up doing it together. We were reading like the love languages books and all of those things. And so it started for, it started with him and then you kind of like, well, yeah, this could be a fun couple thing to do.

And you try to make it a, and that's a good thing. You try to make make it a couple like something you guys do together and hopefully maybe learn as you go yeah so i guess now he reached out to me and wants to have a conversation to understand me like where i was coming from more so we had actually made plans. I was supposed to get together with him after talking to you today. And I just got a text message from him probably like 20 minutes ago saying, Hey, I got like overwhelmed with work today. Can we do this at a later date? And I'm just at the point where I'm ready for like, for this to be over over I don't need this back and forth anymore so how do I go like how should I respond to him and how do I go about saying clearly this isn't very important

to you if you're not making it a priority so why are we even having this conversation yeah it sounds like he's uh there's some game playing here um how there's so many like little things to discuss as far as your immediate question um yeah i i don't think this is something i think it's probably not the best situation for either of you maybe right what you're telling me this sounds like just two people who might like each other there's a physical attraction there are certainly some great moments but i don't know if you guys don't sound compatible uh even if for no other reason that maybe you recognize in yourself and at least in him and i'm not i don't have the privilege of speaking with him that you guys have some shit

you both need to work on as individuals and that's absolutely it's cool that you guys were trying to do that as a couple and that's certainly possible it's you people need to still be able to you know we're never a finished product so just because you're in a relationship it's not like oh no i get to just like be me and and get and and have someone i'm in a relationship with love me for who i am no we we can and should continue to work on ourselves. But that doesn't always mean we are, you know, in our best position to be the best possible partners. And certain people can bring out the worst in us, especially if they have their own shit. Because what I'm hearing from you, like, for example, you recognize that you have this hypersensitivity issue that you recognize that you don't like regardless of what other people

point out, like you notice that it has affect like regardless of what other people point out like you notice that it has effect other relationships in your life and you're working on that now you might always just be a sensitive person and there's only so much you know growth you're going to be able to have but you are most likely going to be an emotional person right oh absolutely i've tried to work on my emotions it's like it's there. So it's going to be really important for you to find a partner that's a very empathetic person, right? It might be more important for you to, you know, it might to not date someone who's faced the tragedy that your boyfriend has, especially he probably hasn't fully processed this tragedy. Detox shampoo, detox your hair. We always hear about detoxing things. And think of all the crap

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So if you like go too long between washes or if you're using dry shampoo a lot, which I'll do in between washes, it'll really help detoxify the shampoo. And when I use it, it just gives me my natural curls. I can get out of the shower. I don't have to blow dry. I don't have to do anything. I can just get out and go. It's great. You use it once a week and you take out that buildup of oil, dirt, and hard water. So when you're ready to get your hair stroked, when you're ready to undo some damage, go to Way to detox that hair. Hit the reset button with detox shampoo go to t-h-e-o-u-a-i.com and use code v-i-a-l to get 15 off your entire purchase that is t-h-e-o-u-a-i.com code v-i-a-L-L. Yeah, he, I mean, it happened in 2005, his brother passed.

Okay. So, I mean, it's been a really long time and he went through therapy, but he will say, like, I don't think about the past. I don't deal with the past. I'm focused on the future. I'm focused on moving on in the future. So he very clearly has a hard time dealing with that but does he recognize it or are you diagnosing him he recognizes that he doesn't deal with the

past his sister has said to him in the past like you need to deal with the past but he doesn't want to sure okay so yeah my point stands is that just maybe he is not going to bring out the worst the best in you. He is not going to compliment you in a way where when your shortcomings come up, he does a good job of hopefully in a non patronizing way of just working with you and not reacting like you're something you're going have to deal with is that like i've dated highly emotional people and it can be it can feel like you're with an emotional terrorist at times to be totally candid like you know because i don't know how you react when you get highly emotional and when you get mad but the people i've experienced can be hypercritical and mean and explosive,

and they can push at your buttons, and it can be emotional terrorists is the best way to describe it. They hold you hostage with their feelings and their emotions, and everything they say and do is justified because they're hurt. And that is a very helpless place to feel on the other side of things, right? So that's something just to let you know, be careful of that. Now, I don't know if you're like that, but you will want to date someone who certainly isn't quick to also get mad and name call, right? To not play games, to

not say things they don't mean, you know, definitely that might be number one thing for you. Don't say someone who says things to get a reaction because you're very quick to react because you're emotional. Right. So good for you for being like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. You said we should break up, but I agreed. And I'm like, i don't know yeah you said we should break up but i agreed and i'm i'm like i don't say things i don't mean and if that's the thing is i got to the point where i had said to him previously i said if i am not crying anymore that's the point where i just don't care and we were having that conversation and i wasn't crying and I was like does he realize that I've just checked out I'm just done yeah and so for him suggesting a breakup and then backtracking

I mean he can do whatever he wants but I think that that itself is a sign that he is not in a healthy place to be in a relationship. I mean, best case scenario, he suggested you guys break up and then immediately changed his mind. That's best case scenario. And worst case scenario, he just said it to get a reaction. And that's a big red flag.

I mean, that's not to be like, oh, well, you know, I just said it, sorry. Like, you never want to date someone who says things they don't mean, especially when the things they say they don't mean can hurt the other person. Yeah. So my, I guess like the one question that I want to have answered is how do I

respond to this text that he says, like he's busy with work. Like, do I even say anything? If you have to decide for yourself, what do you, in this moment, do you think it's the best thing for you, regardless of what you want? It's the best thing for you to pursue a relationship with this person. Realistically, do you think it's what's right for either of you? No. All right. So there you go. So the best way

to answer that question is like, Hey, listen, I've been thinking about it. You know, I care about you, but I really think it's best that we move on. You know, I don't think we bring out the best in each other. I wouldn't even bring up the, this, like the fact that he suggested it and now he's busy at work, the excuses and the, you know, whether it's manipulating or it's immature in his part, it's kind of a moot point since you think it's best to you move on and if you think it's best to move on then the mature thing for you to do is not play the games not try to win the breakup not try to like feel like just since you have the you have the power knowing that is as sad as you might be and as disappointed as you might be you at least have an understanding that the right thing for you is to move on.

And that's good. That's a great thing to feel because you have control of that situation. So now in the most kindhearted but honest and direct way, you should make that very clear to him so that he can move on as well. And even if he does and says mean things to you, just don't indulge yourself. Don't fall trap. He might try to suck you in with pointing the finger and saying mean things so that you react. But don't do that.

You want to move on. And moving on means literally that, just no longer having him in your life. And so just do as much as to make it clear to him that that's how you feel. Say it as kind as possible. No matter what he says, just continue to say the same thing over and over. And it's real simple. Like I think,

I think we should move on. I care about you, but we don't bring up the best of each other and say different versions of that over and over until he just stops trying, you know? So I think that's what you should do, especially if that's how you feel. A couple of other things that when you talked about that I think maybe it's helpful to point

out, like I think this whole like reading books together is great, but make sure like it can be very tricky because people learn at their own pace, right? And especially when you're reading like self-help books that will specifically designed to help the relationship, you can almost like put a lot of pressure on each other and be like, well, do you not love us enough? Or do you not care about it enough? Like I'm, I'm 40 pages ahead of you. Do like, does that mean I love you 40 times, 40 pages more? You know, like just that kind of mindset. I think couples do that with each other. So be very careful when you do that. Like do it for yourself. Like learning again,

we learn at different paces and other things are going on. So just be very careful you're not competing all while at the same time you're trying to learn how to be better partners you can get very competitive when you like doing stuff like that together so in your next relationship be very careful about that um it might like this whole like giving yourself assignments and book report stuff i think is almost a little too much. You know, I think it's good. I mean, it was all stemming from him. Like these were not my,

I'm not here to point fingers or blame. And even if it does stem from him, I'm just saying you're in the relationship. So it might be just great. Be like, yeah, I'd love to read that. And then maybe you guys like talk about it.

Some people take notes. Some people don't take notes. I'm not a good note taker. You know what I'm saying? Like we learn differently. Like all of a sudden you're comparing how like, you know, who gives it more shits because of how they're like diving into the book. Just be careful about stuff like that.

As long as you feel like they're learning or they're implying that what they've learned in the relationship, that's all you should really care about. Right. what they've learned in the relationship that's all you should really care about right um and i guess that's like where i was struggling is i wasn't seeing him trying to put those skills to use in the relationship and i was actively trying very hard to put those skills to use and it was like just not balanced yeah Yeah, I know. I get it. But it can be tricky because we learn differently. And you were in a weird way becoming his teacher or like, you know, it could be. And I am. Yeah, it becomes competitive and like you can sound condescending.

And I just think it's a real tricky thing to do that type of stuff in a relationship without some sort of like maybe a couples therapist to guide you like that's not your role to be his girlfriend and his therapist or teacher so i think it's really important if you do stuff like that to have almost a third party making sure that you guys aren't competing and that you're you're applying these things in healthy ways. And I'm not here to, you know, I just, I think it gets very tricky when you guys give each other assignments. Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah. So, but as far as your immediate situation, trust your gut. It sounds like, you know, deep down what you think is best and just be kind and honest and direct and whatever games he wants to play.

Those are games he has to play and you're just gonna have to mourn the loss of a relationship, but that's okay. You're better at realizing it now than in a year and a half from now. And just because it's your first relationship in a while, like that shouldn't and good for you for not making it part of your decision-making process. You'll be fine. You'll you'll learn and, and just keep doing therapy to deal with your shit that you recognize. And so, so you can get better. And then when you look for a partner, you know, someone who's more grounded, someone who might not have faced this, and that's how I really feel for your boyfriend having faced this adversity but that does impact him and it does impact his emotional maturity and uh and the things that he has to deal with and he might not have the capacity at least right now to help you with your

stuff yeah and that's one thing that I said to him was that he at one point was like did you take into consideration the time of year that it is for me when i was like treating you poorly and i was like yeah i did take that into consideration but it doesn't it's not an excuse for you to treat me that way correct yeah you're right it's not you know like just because people deal with shit is not like a get out of jail free card it's like oh great you had a bad day i'm gonna have to oh can't wait till i have to pay the reaper for your bad day you're like what is that that's it's not fair no man it's it's dangerous territory to justify shitty behavior based off of your other people's bad days so

absolutely yeah so i appreciate your time nick well pleasure. Sorry you're going through this, but you should feel good that you know what you deserve and want. And as sad as you might be about it ending, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. And that's honestly the best case scenario for you. Thanks. I appreciate that. I always strive for words of affirmation. That's my love language.

I get affirmations from everybody. So the fact that you're saying that I made the right decision makes me feel good about the choice that I made. My only final advice to you in general is, um, just chill a little bit. You know, you're a teacher. I can tell you're a perfectionist. You want to apply what you learn very quickly? Sometimes just, you know, just relax. Just relax. And it's going to be fun. Easier said than done, Nick. I know.

Which if it was easy, I wouldn't give it to you as advice for you to work on. Do it with what you want. But it might help. Okay. Thank you. Best of luck. Sorry about the breakup uh but you're gonna be better for it i appreciate it all right take care thank you bye-bye

how's it going hey so i'm nikki and i'm 20 years old uh my situation is that I recently graduated from college and there's this guy that we've been friends for around two years and since a year it's been more like because of the lockdown and the quarantine we've become much more closer like I would say he's one of my closest guy friends for sure and like around six months ago I started to think that maybe there is something more than just friends in the sense that our conversations became a bit more like there was a different vibe, you can say. And I think around a week back or something, we graduated, the college is done. He told me that he likes me and I do like him. So I told him that too. But the thing is that he's leaving for UK

for his masters in a month and that puts me in a dilemma because he wants to be in a relationship but I don't know if like how can you say you want to be in a relationship then there's like only one month to date and figure it out so my question is should I I pursue a relationship with my best friend with it being long distance? And even though I'm not sure about him in the sense of, I don't think it's like, I think it's going to be a fun time. I don't know if it's like forever, you know, like that. So you've been friends with the guy for how long? For two years. Okay.

And do you think he's like, what's his personality? Is he kind of an extrovert? Do you think he's going to go to the UK? And is he a very social guy? Or is he going to be immersed in his studies? He's a bit of a both. I would call him an ambivert. Okay.

So he is extrovert in the sense that in his group of friends he'll be like the uh clown like the like the joker who cracks jokes and makes everyone laugh but in the sense of that he you know sleeps at like he's he's very uh uh time oriented he sleeps at like 10 10 at night and wakes up at 6 a. you're like he's very dedicated as well like structurally uh did you ask him why he wants you to be his girlfriend

because you're right because I think you're thinking at it from a more pragmatic approach it's like hey yeah we like each other but you're going to the UK and as much as I like you, it's going to be super hard for us to build a relationship with you being a half a world away. So why do you want to date me?

Because why almost like turn it around on him? Why do you want to give up the freedom to go to a new country, a new school, meet new girls, meet friends, not worry about, you know, being faithful and a good boyfriend. And we'll still, you know, we're friends. Like I don't, I'm not so like, you know, we can FaceTime and talk and who knows, maybe I'll visit you. because we're friends. We've been friends for a few years now. So like, why do you want to give all that up when you already have me? And I'm not even asking for more. Why do you want to give that up? Have you asked him that? So I've not asked him, why do you want to give that up? I have told him about my doubts in the

sense that I've not told him that I don't think he's the one and something like that. But I've told him that that is just one month. And I don't want you to go to UK and feel like you're tied down out here. And I want you to have fun. Yeah. So here's what you did wrong. Here's what you did wrong. Right. Because there's a difference because it's you think it's maybe the same thing, but it's a very different thing. Right. Because what you told them is I don't think you're the one. So you gave him a challenge, right? You told him what he can't do. Go ahead.

Yeah. I didn't tell him I don't think you're the one. I told him that I think you should have fun in the UK instead of trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. Yeah, well, you told him. That's what I'm saying. You told him what you think he should do. this installation yeah well you told him that's what i'm saying you told him what you think he should do and when people don't like to be told what to do uh they like you know you again it's still a challenge because if you would instead of saying what you think you should do and you

simply just asked him you gave them the answers to the test that you also were trying to give them instead of giving them the answers to the test, just give them the test. And the test is, why do you want me to be with me in a relationship? Why do you want to give up the freedoms that come with the adventure you're about to go on? Especially when I want to keep in touch with you. I like FaceTime me and like we're friends. Like, you know, when you get bored and lonely, which you might because it's a new country and new people like i'm here i'll call me you know and who knows we'll continue to get to know each other and and there's really you know no expectations and who knows what will happen i don't know but like it seems unreal why why would

you give up that freedom of meeting new people and not worrying about having a girlfriend in India while you're in the UK? Exactly. Why do you – and just ask him and see what he says because you're going to get a lot more information with that rather than challenging him to prove you wrong. So I did ask him like why do you like me like what makes you

like like because we were friends so what what made the change happen so uh he told me that you know we get each other we're very similar personalities I don't think so I'll ever find someone who's will click that much with me as much as you do so I said I get that but you need to be realistic that the timeline kind of sucks like we're kind of screwed from the get-go like if this would have happened when you were still in college like you don't have the pressure of one month and then commitment because honestly we haven't even like kissed or something I don't even know if it's all in my head or if I've of this actually

sparks there yeah so I can't go ahead and just say, let's date and let's be in a committed relationship without knowing all of that stuff. It's interesting because I think in most similar situations, the person in your position would typically be the one wanting some sort of commitment because they're afraid of that person going on this adventure and having these opportunities and so they might be like oh no no i need to know that you're committed to me because i'm just going to be here you know and i think it's usually that case but you're definitely being the realistic one right um and he for all you know you like you don't know why i'm sure he likes you right

like but at the same time since he is persisting on something that doesn't make a ton of sense there has to be other reasons that other reasons might be like you know he's probably scared or nervous like going he's doing a new country he's afraid of like he's probably excited but i mean anytime you go to a i would be nervous like you're nervous and excited at the same time and you might be that thing that's like that constant he wants to be he wants something that he can be certain of knowing that he's about to go into a world of uncertainty and he's probably projecting that would be a guess of mine i don't know for sure but that could be a good guess i think what you should do if you like the guys is to kind of

do what you're doing just say listen i do like you you know we just started we just started acknowledging these feelings and yeah it sucks that you're going but you should still be excited and i still want to talk to you right you still want to keep in touch with them right you have do you have any other guys on your radar uh not right so like yeah so and who i mean the truth is you don't know what's going to happen neither does he he could go to the uk and meet a bunch of people and you'll slowly start hearing from him less and all of a sudden you're going to get like you could get anxious and be like oh wait i just i like you and so who knows you'll have but you know you don't know what's going to happen but that's a possibility but what you do know is that you know that when you just started dating you want to keep talking to him there's no real reason

to escalate the commitment level just because he's leaving when you can still do everything you're going to do anyways without the commitment level. And yeah, he won't have the confidence in being able to call you his girlfriend knowing that you might get asked out on a date and you might say yes, but he might as well. And part of being an adult and you just have to get one thing, give up another,

make sacrifices. So I think you should stick to your guns because you aren't suggesting either of you give up anything. What I told him is that let's just date right now for a month and let's get to know each other in a relationship sort of a way. And then when you leave is then you can figure it out if whether we want to continue it or not but the main thing for me is that because he is was my friend before i don't want to outright of my way lead him on or hurt him like if it was a normal person i wouldn't probably share all of these doubts and share these you know

like be so realistic in my or be so open but that's just the only thing that's holding me back a bit from having fun is that i don't want to lead him on too much well listen uh the fact that you were friends it doesn't mean all that much anymore once you kind of cross the threshold of considering romantic feelings with someone you're not you're like you guys are kind of stopped being friends of considering romantic feelings with someone you're not you're like you guys are kind of stopped being friends now it's never going to be the same you really can't go backwards yeah it's the use of a different so and it's good that you're considerate of his feelings and you might be slightly hyper in tune to that but like you seem like a good person you

would be considerate of everyone's feelings yeah you're going out of your way to be a little bit more open you would because like you know him as a person as opposed to like if you just met a guy you just be like i don't need to tell him all this already that makes sense but as far as the friendship goes i i think you've crossed the threshold and you you'll probably you'll never go back to just being pals and that's okay. You know, so I'd be careful about even, you know, when you're like, hey, let's date now and read. I wouldn't even say, personally, I would say, what I wouldn't do is make it seem like you guys are going to make a really big decision

in a month because that's not like what are you going to learn in a month you know like barely meeting like once a week or something so I think me personally that you should say you know I like you and yeah let's keep hanging

out and we know you're leaving so nothing is going to change in a month. That's I think it makes sense for either of us to commit to each other, you know, knowing there's too many unknowns, but like I want to keep talking to you. How long is he supposed to be gone for? Well, his course is for a year, but I think he wants to settle down in the UK.

So like he says he can, we can make long distance work but then how will it work if you're settling down then I'm not planning to shift there yeah I think I think you should slow play it slow it down there's no reason you guys should commit to each other not before he leaves

and then if you keep talking and maybe you go visit or something and maybe you guys, that's the thing. Like you don't have to make a decision a month just because he's leaving. You can still FaceTime and talk. You can, he can move. You guys can continue to grow and get to know each other, maybe visit certainly FaceTime. And then five months from now, you guys can sit back and think, say, well, we're investing all this time to each other. We we talk every day.

I don't want to date any other guys. He's like, I've been in the UK. All I think about is you. And then that point, you guys could be like, yeah, let's make it official. Like there's nothing stopping that. So like creating an artificial deadline because he's leaving is kind of silly. an artificial deadline because he's leaving is kind of silly like and and setting up this deadline will apply too much pressure in the weeks that you do have prior to him leaving just try to be like let's just listen let's just enjoy what we have let's just see where it goes

there's no real reason why we need to put these deadlines and added pressure it's not ideal that you're moving but like you should still embrace this you're going for a reason before you realize these feelings about me it's what you wanted to do follow your dreams and if it works out it works out and if not that's fine but he's trying to put too much pressure on a situation probably because he is you know about to make this big life change and there's some nerves and he's probably scared and and you know that's that's normal and uh yeah that would be my my take yeah for example like we went on a like our first date like a couple of days ago and he like he kept on bringing up the elephant in the room and i'm like

what is it you can just ask me and i think he was again and again trying to get that like full-on commitment and it's just should I just go out there and tell him that I don't want a serious relationship right now, that I just want to have fun? Like, I don't think so. I've said it like that. Should I try saying this? Yeah, no, I don't think you should say,

well, we should just have fun. You should say nothing's going to change between us in the next month that either of us are going to have, we're not going to know enough about each other. And nothing's going to stop us from committing to each other in six months so like it's silly for us to set a deadline and make a decision before you move when i still want i still plan on communicating with you when you go and i you know we'll see what happens. You know, that's, that's what, you know, but you could, you could still say, I want to

see where this goes. When you say, oh, I just want to have fun. Makes it seem like, you know, you don't care. So if you're just, you know, if he wasn't moving, you would, you would consider this or pursue this, right? Yeah. So yeah, it definitely changed things that he's moving, but you can still kind of go about it the same way

where like, well, you know, like we'll have to deal with the long distance, but I'm not going to be rushed, especially given that there is long distance. We both need to know if this is really worth it and that extra commitment it's going to take to make long distance to work. And a month is not enough time to see.

I think he's only seeing it in the sense of that I need the clarity, but he doesn't realize that he'll also need the clarity in like a month's time when he goes there because things will change. I think I need to make it clear to him from his perspective as well. Yeah.

And he's just being stubborn right now. He's already decided. And even if that's how he feels, he still needs to respect how you feel. Yep. You know, that's great that he feels that strong, but you don't. And that matters. You know, you can be like, yeah, I don't know how, like, you're moving. I want to know what it's going to be like when you're moved.

Neither of us can guess how it's going to be. And he can't tell you how he is going to be or how he's going to be like when you're moved. Neither of us can guess how it's going to be, and he can't tell you how he is going to be or how he's going to react to a whole new world. He has no idea. So it's silly for him to say that he knows when he literally doesn't know. Yeah, I get that. I also listened to the last podcast, and it was something about having friends in common,

about should you tell the friends in common? when should when when is the right time to tell them because i personally want to like wait for like a month before you get them involved and he wants to tell them right away yeah i agree with you i i think our friends can only make it messier you don't need any other opinions. Yeah. You know, people then like get excited. I mean, like there might be people who think it's a silly idea. There might be people who think it's a great idea. But this decision needs to come from you guys, you.

Like your friends are just going to give a bunch of opinions that don't really, that probably aren't going to be that helpful. Yeah. I told him you can tell your friends. I can tell my other friends. But like you don't need to involve them in this again yeah and you know he might be just excited for all you know he's at a crushing of the whole time you know he was maybe never really friends with you he just finally had the guts to tell you i mean i don't know but i think

i think i get like the point of not putting a deadline of one month in it yeah i don't i think yeah i think the deadline is silly like not putting any deadline in one month in it. Yeah, I think the deadline is silly. Like not putting any deadline in general. I'll just say like you go to UK, you figure it out. We'll see how our connection is there while you're still in the UK. And if it makes sense, we carry it on. Otherwise, maybe we'll still be in touch with friends. Yeah, because you're right.

You don't know how the relationship... You shouldn't make a decision about him living in the UK until he lives in the UK. I get it. still be in touch with friends yeah because you're right you don't know how the relationship like you shouldn't make a decision about him living in the uk until he lives in the uk i get it you know it'd be different if you guys were had a foundation and you've been dating for two years and then yeah like you but that's not what this is you know um so so much of your relationship you have no foundation really and then it's about to shift to him living in the uk so you need to see what it's like for him to be in the uk and he needs to see that too yeah i get it all right how's it going hey it's going good how are you good what's your name my name is sarah i just turned 30 happy birthday sar, Sarah. How can I help? Thank you. So the boyfriend and I had planned July 3rd through the 5th for that weekend couple of days to spend that holiday weekend together.

The 5th was actually my birthday. And the 3rd and 5th, we had plans with my family, the 4th plans together. He essentially made other plans at the very last second that i was not included in um and went along with that plan instead of our pre-existing plans um kind of under the guise of you know you don't get invited to everything there's poker night there's guys night etc which i totally understand um how long you guys been dating for but uh since october okay we've done the whole thanksgiving together christmas mother's day all the things like it's not really that new anymore it's not new okay definitely not new um and also

i feel like the fourth of july is a pretty casual holiday to spend together regardless. The next day being my birthday, I just had this weird feeling about he doesn't want to spend a holiday with me. Why would I think he wants to spend my birthday with me? I maybe went a little bit dramatic, canceled our plans and basically said, I want to do something else. Let's you and I have dinner later on this week. Just because I had some hurt feelings about how that situation played out. And I just wasn't sure where that like chained and MO came from. And I needed to just not feel the way I was feeling in that moment on my birthday. just not feel the way I was feeling in that moment on my birthday.

So to him, and I can see his perspective, to him that comes across as spiteful. You did this to me, so I reacted. And I can see that. Did he ask why or did he just assume that was your intention? I told him that I had hurt feelings and I just wanted to do something different after the way that the fourth played out. Yeah. Okay.

Because that makes sense to me. I don't necessarily agree. Well, it's not really for me to disagree. I don't think there's a clear answer. Okay. But hearing your reasoning of it hurt my feelings, I know myself, I wasn't going to be able to process this. I wasn't going to be able to process this in time for me to enjoy my birthday. And selfish or not, I wanted to enjoy my birthday.

So I altered my plans. Now you need to be honest with yourself on was, you know, not hanging out with your boyfriend going to allow you to enjoy your birthday regardless, but that's a whole nother question. But I at least can empathize and understand that logic. At least can empathize and understand that logic. And I'm wondering if he asked and tried to empathize or just decided you were being spiteful. So supposedly he can see why I was upset about the fourth. He can't really see my point of view for the fifth.

In his mind, I ruined my day by excluding him after i was excluded how was your birthday it was pretty awesome actually well then he would be wrong in that department he he would be a little bit wrong um and he wasn't a part of your birthday right uh we definitely had like a heated argument on my birthday, but it is what it is. But you had a great birthday despite plans being altered and him not being a big focus. Absolutely. Great. So you were right.

I was, I was right. I, I guess I don't want to get into this mindset of like tit for tat. Like you did this. I responded. I don't mean like that i'm just saying he if i'm hearing you right he didn't trust you that you knew how to make the best

of a bad situation for yourself because that's what i'm hearing you had plans plans were altered it upset you uh in a perfect world you would have been able to have a great birthday with your boyfriend being a part of that now he did something that you didn't like fine and you recognized for yourself that for me to enjoy my birthday given the situation i've been given the cards i'm dealt this is what i think i need to do and that was to say i don't you know what i don't want you to really to be a part of my birthday and i'm going to try to still have fun not maybe the most it's not not my it might not be my first choice but i know myself and this is what I need. And that sounds like what happened.

And yeah, I don't think you deserve a medal and praise for being right. And I don't think you should keep score, but I think it's important for you to recognize that you knew yourself and you should be allowed to trust yourself. And short of you being reflective and being like yeah I was spiteful I ended up having an even worse

birthday all I really wanted to do is hang out with my boyfriend etc etc etc but that didn't happen right so I guess you know just kind of thinking back about you know how I was kind of shocked

that we didn't spend the holiday together I made it clear like this hurts my like before he went that kind of hurts my feelings to not be included and I was kind of shocked that he changed the plans on me and so I do feel a sense of you know I need to maybe set some boundaries in our relationship where I don't feel like I'm getting substantially more than I'm getting back because what like the way things played out that's not what I thought we were doing yeah well listen things change right so you have to be able to adapt it's interesting if I'm hearing you correctly you don't think the 4th of July is that you know it's not Thanksgiving and Christmas kind of thing,

right? You kind of suggested that. At the same time, it was important enough for you to spend it with him. Right. It's a slight hypocrisy there coming on your end. Now, on the same time, you know, 4th of July is my favorite holiday, just uh heads up right and i can see and maybe your boyfriend had the same logic it's like it's not that big of a deal or maybe he fucking loves the fourth of july so much that like for me what i love about the fourth of july i love spending fourth of july with my friends my boys my like my friend groups or whatever yeah and i'm not agreeing or disagreeing but i can i can see a scenario where he's like it's just the fourth of july and i'm gonna be with her on

her birthday and like my boys i wasn't i didn't think they're gonna get together but they did i got an invite and it's really a boys thing it's poker night and i just like come on i just want to hang out with my boys and it's a total reasonable like you know certainly it changes the plans but like is it that big of a deal no i'm telling you it's not now it was to you and you have the right to but like in the grand scheme of things in a relationship you know so it's like two different things going on right because you had the right to be upset and disappointed right and i still think you made the right call for your birthday it's your birthday you have the right to be you know and you were right about that you might have been able to avoid

getting it to that point by being okay with him making alternative plans with his boys and not necessarily excluding you but not including you in a situation where it was like all it's the all you know is that what it was it was like a guy's thing it was more or less yes yeah i mean trust me like when i go home right like i brought natalie home for the first time on the 4th of July. It's a little differently. But prior to that, prior to having a girlfriend, like all my friends are married, right? I got this one friend, his wife insists on coming out whenever and we hate her. We hate her. We hate her because like she has no chill.

Like we have lots of couple stuff, but once in a while it's just nice to like get together with the boys and all the other wives are super cool. They fucking love it. They, you know, they do their own thing, whatever.

She fucking always shows up, you know? And I'm not saying what this is, but like all I'm saying is, you know, getting together with the boys is a is a nice thing and it's something that we we all enjoy most of us okay so okay if that's what was going on i get it right now he could have handled it better i don't know it's still

relatively new it's not a new relationship but it's newish these this is the first fourth of july you spent together so we don't really know how each other values fourth of july and friend groups and things like that right so i can see how uh opportunity for him to hang out with his boys and doing a boys thing and all the boys are getting together and he's like oh fuck i got plans with my girlfriend i want to be with my girlfriend we have these plans and i mean it's her birthday the next day so we'll be together what's the big deal so i'm just gonna like i going to hang out with my boys. And then you react by like canceling him on your birthday. I can see his point of view while it felt like an overreaction.

Right. I think that's where we're at. Like we, I can see his perspective. He can see mine. We just disagree on like where each other was coming from. Yeah. So this is a great thing and potentially nothing was really lost here you didn't hang out with him on your birthday it doesn't really

listen if you break up by next year it doesn't really make a difference if you spent this birthday with him or not right you guys fourth of july whatever but it's an opportunity to just learn how to better communicate when expectations don't meet your reality. Like you maybe can recognize that like sometimes, even though you have plans, things could come up. Right. That it's okay for my boyfriend to want to hang out with his boys. Right. You know, you guys are adults now. We don't get to do that as much. Every situation is different, but like, right know, if he's like Peter Pan syndrome, I don't know.

But like the more we get older and we are, our friends settled out and get married and have kids. Like it's really nice to get together with the boys. Cause we don't get together with the boys as much as we got to in the past. Right. Right. So, you know, now at the same time, like it wasn't a do you were upset and you wanted to enjoy your birthday. So you brought you definitely both recognize.

I think it's important. You guys need to get to a place where you both recognize, you know, where the other person was coming from. Right. I do think, you know, you try to are you a planner? You big planner. Do you? A hundred percent. Yeah. so there's that right so like altering plans probably affects you a little bit more than him because i don't know him or the situation but if everything you're telling me is if i'm hearing it right he just

like something came up he wasn't expecting and you feel like he valued his boys over you and he's just like i know i just it's two separate things and i do value my boys and like we don't get together that much anymore and i was gonna see you tomorrow so like right by your own admission fourth of july is like not christmas i love fourth of july i mean it's not you get what i'm saying yeah yes yes It's just not like it's... No, I hear you. So, you know, I think this is a good bump in the road to figure out how you guys communicate about this conflict because nothing was really lost here. There's no kids involved. There's no like, you know, this is not about a wedding day, you know.

This is like a little holiday, you know, where things are going to come up and plans are going to have to shift and maybe something you can, you know, in terms of plans changing, maybe get slightly better at. And one thing he needs to sound like he could get better at is not telling you why you're reacting a certain way. Fair. Okay. Because, like, you were right about you still had a great birthday right so you weren't wrong there correct so yeah i think you just have to

you guys have to communicate to your point without trying with either of you trying to be right okay you guys should try to have a conversation about what both of you trying to be right. Okay. You guys should try to have a conversation about what both of you could improve and you both need to recognize on your own what you could do better. So maybe when you talk to him about this, to say, I've thought about it and I recognize, you know, I'm not saying I'm all wrong here,

but I recognize that I was a little bit more, I'm a planner. My expectations changed. And I could probably understand a little bit more from your point of view why you made the decisions. And it wasn't necessarily all about me or your love for me or not. And that's why I was hurt. But at the same time, it did bother me that you didn't think that I knew myself well enough to know that I just needed to do this. And it wasn't out of spite. I just knew I wouldn't be

able to think of anything else if you were around and I wanted to enjoy my birthday. So yes, I could have handled 4th of July better, but I just knew this is what I needed. Absolutely. And see what he says. I mean, the big thing is how, how are you guys going to work through this will be a bigger indicator of your ability to be in a relationship rather than what happened on those two days. Right. Of course. Okay. Was that, is that helpful? Were you disappointed in my answer? are you no it's helpful not at all it's definitely helpful um you know i think my my fear going into this was if we neither one of us feels like we're quote unquote wrong like i don't want to be in the situation

on the back end of something similar happening you know again and then we're here in the same scenario like you just got to figure out if you can you just have to communicate you got embrace this as an opportunity to be like hey okay we piss each other off but let's just talk about how do we avoid this in the future and I again

lead with what you recognize about what you would do differently in the future he needs to be able to do the same. Okay. And see if you guys can get to a place where you're just like, you know what? We both could do better.

Something like this will happen again. And we'll go from there. Okay. Thank you so much. All right. Best of luck. How's it going? Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm 26 hi lisa how can i help okay so i went on vacation um for three or two weeks um and i just got back like a couple days ago and um there was a guy on the trip it was kind of like a group trip so it was

only 18 to 30 year olds we were together the whole time we're on like a cruise trip around islands um we kind of started connecting towards like the later half of the trip and it started out just like holding hands you know um and then we ended up like it was kind of funny because like both of our roommates wanted to hook up and get together so it was like oh like i have nowhere to sleep tonight. That's kind of how it started. So he spent the night. We ended up hooking up a couple days later. But we felt like, I don't know, because we were spending so much time together,

it just felt like it progressed really fast. We were spending every second together, talking about all these deep topics. It felt like what would have taken at least a couple months took just a few days. So we didn't really talk that much about the future. He only lives like a few hours away from me right now. We're both in California. But basically leading up to the end of the trip, like, I wasn't sure how I'd feel when I got home. I didn't know for sure what I wanted. So we just kind of like said goodbye at the airport,

but it was like, we were still kind of with the group. So we kind of had like a public goodbye at the airport. And then, yeah. So getting back, I like feel like I'm still thinking about him more than I thought I would be.

And I feel like there was something there. So I guess that was like, my main question is like, do you think it's worth pursuing? Where does he live now? Where do you live? I mean, I don't need like,

how far away from you are you showing that? He's like roughly three hours away right now. Oh, drive, like a drive. Yeah. That's doable. It's doable.

But like, since I got back, I haven't heard from him. And so I don't know if it's like, and I've only been back a couple of days, but like since i got back i haven't heard from him and so i don't know if it's like and i've only been back a couple days but like i don't know how did you guys leave it we left it like he mentioned i don't know he was kind of like like he mentioned oh yeah we can definitely like you know but it wasn't like it wasn't explicit you You know what I mean? Oh yeah, we can definitely hang sometime. It's not exactly the excitement level you want. Yeah.

I don't know. Like the more time that's gone by, like when I wrote in, I had like just gotten home. So the more time that's gone by, the more I'm kind of like, I don't know. But I don't know if it's worth like reaching out to ask. And if I was to, like, how do I pitch it? Well, you would pitch it.

Like, listen, let's be honest. You met him on a vacation, right? There's heightened sense of romance and fun and excitement. There is a, you know, like kind of like what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Kind of, you know, even if you're not in Vegas, kind of like, you know, we're on vacation. So like whatever. Um, so there's that element. And I, I'm saying that more for you. Right. Because, you know, you hooked up with this guy. Right. You know, and so you got some connection there. You don't you don't know anything about this guy. So I don't. Right. And and what you have to realize is a lot of your excitement and you thinking about him is based off of this kind of, you know, call it a fairy tale fantasy that you had. about him is based off of this kind of i can call it a fairy tale fantasy that you had now that doesn't mean he still might be a guy that you could connect with and have something there

etc etc and it's something maybe you guys could build off of but let's say for example let's reverse it like where you were to reach you were to call up and say like i i met this guy and we had this really exciting time and he only lives like a few hours away from me and he wants he wants to hang out he's super excited and he's like and i'm a little nervous because while i like the guy like i'm afraid you know that etc etc like my advice to you would be like yeah don't make the mistake of of of assuming that that that like that whatever happened there is dead you know in a way yeah even if you even if you were to reach out to you and say let's hang out i think it would be smart for both of you to be like all right we we had a great time obviously there's a connection there

there's generally an interest it's the only thing you really can base this off on is that we're like there's a some sort of chemistry that we have. But it would be important to not get caught up in the excitement of the vacation to be a driving force. It might be a nice little bonus or like a nice catalyst, right? Yeah. So I don't know. I think you should reach out to him.

What do you have to lose? Like what's the worst thing that can happen? I mean, yes, you get rejected like you definitely don't call him be like hey i was thinking about you we should be boyfriend and girlfriend like don't do that right so you don't have to put yourself out there that much you can literally just see if he's remotely interested in like communicating with you like do you guys follow each other on instagram and do you have any social connection yeah yeah. Yeah. We follow each other everywhere. Like, um, yeah,

I, yeah, we do. I just don't know how serious, I guess. Yeah. I guess any chance you could have a girlfriend and decided to like do whatever it is.

Like it's possible. I don't think so. I mean, if he did, I would be like, how's his socials? They're pretty like, what's his,

is it private? Like what's his social activity? He doesn't, he like doesn't post at all. He hasn't posted in like four or five years okay yeah so it's which is a little weird there's no reason to think he has a girlfriend but you don't really know for sure if he doesn't i don't know for sure yeah yeah i don't know for sure and when you left he was like yeah sure we can hang out but like how was that was that it? Well. Like, what did he really give you? I guess I, like, because I'm very much like a he's just not that into you type of person.

I get it. But I guess the thing I hold on to is, like, we both talked a lot about past relationships. And I feel like we both are very much, like, we've been humiliated. We've been rejected. We've been, like, cheated on. So you bonded over, you know, some past experiences. To an extent, yeah. we've been like bonded over you know some past experiences to an extent yeah so and i so i guess that made me feel a bit like he wouldn't want to show his cards not knowing where i'm at and even

earlier on in the trip he had like mentioned to me like oh i thought you were done with me like way earlier so i was like if he's coming from that place then that makes me feel like he would almost need me to reach out if we were to ever yeah listen here you're you should again come back to my original thing whatever happened just enjoy it for what it was a great trip fun memories right yeah and you should also absolutely reach out to this guy like don't overthink anything like don't pride up when he said this this and i fuck i don't know like you really can confuse the shit out of yourself like trying overthink like things he said caught up in a moment on vacation right so as long as you're like,

you're okay with the possibility that he's just like, I don't know. I don't want to drive three hours and hang out with a chick, you know, like your ego has an easy out here. That's the good news. Right. Like,

listen, I think you should get better. I think everyone should get better on facing the reality of rejection and just like cold, hard truths. Hey, is this not into me? Fine. Right.

You just said it. You're Emma. He's not that into you chick. Right. Okay. Well, if you really are, then this should be easy for you because it'd be absolutely silly for you to not like what, like you have a somewhat of an interest in a guy. And as we know, if you listen to this podcast, it's hard to even like anyone.

It's hard to get excited about someone. So like you're thinking about not reaching out to a guy because you're not entirely sure if he likes you. Like if you're going to be the, he's not that into you chick, then have that be a positive, not a negative. And what I mean by that is that he's not that into you chick is the girl who understands that like, not everyone's going to be obsessed with me. You know, it's okay that a guy might not like me. Right. But don't be the, he's not into you chick. That is so like, it's kind of a cop out to like, I'm not going to try because no one's into me and I'm afraid to get rejected, you know? So I'm just

never going to ask because I don't want to handle rejection. So like, he's just not into it. No one's ever into me, you know, but clearly he's into you to some degree, right? You had a fun weekend, you bonded. So you, you truly have nothing. Don't talk yourself out of at least giving it a shot. Like what's the worst that could happen? Yeah. You know, I just be totally you know as we i always say be chill about it be like hey you know what's up i mean honestly i would just

hey don't be like i was thinking about you whatever be like right yeah hey crazy thought want to get together next week or anytime see what he says okay you know yeah and if he says bullshit like well i don't know if i'm into a you know put it this way short of him like be as direct as possible in the sense that like you want to hang out right but to be chill about it like you don't have to get all specific we should plan a date i love you i can't stop thinking about you but no don't none of that but we should get what what should we get together sometime i think it would be fun let's hang out right start there and that could be you know he doesn't know if you're talking about hooking up again getting married he doesn't yeah right but so because you're going to be so chill about it, if he gives you any excuse whatsoever,

like, I don't know, it's like far, then you got your answer, right? Then he's really not that into you, right? That's true. If he's like, well, I don't know, like long distance, you know, you didn't even say anything about long distance. Like, you know what I'm saying? So like, and that way that'll be kind of a softer,

you know, then you'll kind of know without really feeling rejected because like you didn't really put yourself out there. You just, you know, then you'll kind of know without really feeling rejected because like you didn't really put yourself out there. You just like, Hey, do you want to hang out? Yeah. That's a good point. That's a good point. And then when you suggest it, because you're making the first move, he needs to make the second move. So like him just saying, sure, that'd be fun sometime. Like he needs to be like, yeah.

How about next week? You know, if he's like, sure, we should do that sometime. And then he be like, yeah. How about next week? You know, if he's like, sure, we should do that sometime. And then he never like follows up. Then he's, you know, he's not interested.

Okay. Yeah. You should at least let him know that you might be interested. Someone's got to say, Hey, I, you know, right.

Yeah. You know, I think I just wanted it to be him. You know, like I was, I thought I'd hear from him. It's like a bummer. It's really you gotta let it go okay um you don't know what he's thinking you just got back it's only been a couple days yeah uh you know and he he easily could just be like he could have easily just told himself it's just a fling right you don't really know he could

have a girlfriend the important thing is is like you have almost you have literally nothing to lose and it'd be so easy to simply suggest you would be somewhat interested in seeing his face again that's true and then there's so many other options you know so don't make it that big of a deal you know but certainly don't waste the opportunity you know okay and then don't get bummed if he doesn't you know uh want to hang out if he doesn't respond like you then you have your answer you're right it was a guy like you have a lot of reasons to know already know that it's like you're you're halfway ready to walk away so if you do get rejected don't don't go down a rabbit hole of like disappointment and and

sadness and let your ego take over it would whatever sadness you feel will be almost all your ego being pissed that it got rejected that's true that's true yeah that's that's very true yeah okay your ego is stopping you from just doing something simple and and so do so check your ego there and then check your ego if you don't get the answer you want okay yeah i think actually like not reaching out is actually making it a bigger deal so i think it actually almost be more natural to just whatever and then i can close it if it's not a thing then it can just be what it is you know yeah but also be careful like when you reach out and you say something don't do the whole like we shouldn't hang out but like it's not a big deal if you don't want to like don't shoot shit like that just say i don't want to be i don't want to be crazy but like no

that's not crazy to say you want to hang out just don't disqualify yourself don't downplay yourself don't downplay what you had just simply say very confidently i think we should hang out again okay okay that's it it's real normal it's it. It's real normal. It's real simple. It's real direct. Yeah. And it gives him really no room to, you know, bullshit. That's true. All right. That's true.

Best of luck. Okay. Thank you. Either way, you had a fun vacation. It's true. Yep. All right. Thanks, Nick.

All right. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Thank you guys so much for listening. As always, we appreciate your five-star reviews your one stars can go suck it and uh sending your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com cast with a k see you next time