The Viall Files - E295 Ask Nick - You’re Not Over It

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we start with talking about cheating. Our first caller’s boyfriend cheated on her with his ex who is still in their friend group. She forgave him but she is around this ex on a regular basis and is finding it hard to not have anxiety about the situation. Next, we speak to someone who considers herself to be the D.U.F.F. (designated ugly fat friend) in her friend group and is finding it hard when they are out together because she does not get acknowledged by guys when her friends are there. Third, we speak with someone who has defined a relationship after 5 months of dating but the lack of communication is a struggle and she is questioning whether or not they are being fully honest with each other about what they want. Lastly, we speak about healing and love-bombing in an on-and-off again relationship, when speaking about past relationships and trauma brings jealously into a relationship that our caller keeps trying to sustain on technicalities.  “The only thing that you are doing wrong is ignoring yourself.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! Don't forget to nominate The Viall Files for a People's Choice Podcast Award: https://www.podcastawards.com/ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Noom: http://www.noom.com/VIALL Start building better habits for healthier, long-term results. Sign up for your trial today.  UNTUCKit: http://www.untuckit.com use code VIALL for 20% off your first purchase.  Headspace: http://www.headspace.com/VIALL for a FREE ONE-MONTH TRIAL with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another amazing episode of The Vow files i am your host nick and uh we are joined by the amazing trio of chrissy amanda and ally how are you ladies doing good oh our mic's working good Doing well? Great. Anything new? Remember the guy that I was asking you about last time we didn't ask Nick? That I was like, he hasn't reached out. And you were like, neither have you. Everything you're saying about him. Gotcha.

Okay. All right. I remember now. So I decided to text him, I think like Thursday of last week, just being like, how's your week going? And it was like a little back and forth, just like catching up. But then nothing beyond that. My roommate, the wing woman that she is, like arranged for us all to go to her mom's pool

yesterday. So it was literally my roommate, my roommate's brother, this dude and myself. Okay. And the whole thing was so confusing. He showed up? Mm-hmm. He came by himself. She invited all of his roommates, but he like just came alone.

After he ignored your text? He didn't ignore it, but like he didn't really can like we had a few texts back and forth but i hadn't heard from him in a few days okay i had a fun time but like he wasn't he's not really great at like asking questions or like really like again continuing the conversation and then i felt like there was moments where like he could have like spent time with me one-on-one but he like didn't yeah so it sounds like he maybe he's just not into exactly but then the confusing thing was at that point i was like i'm gonna go home and drink a bottle of barefoot alone fuck this um and then as we're leaving i'm getting in my roommate's car and i like just assumed i wouldn't even say goodbye to him because i was like clearly this is not going anywhere and he comes up he like gives me this big hug looks at me in kind of like a winky kind of look and is like see you soon and i'm like

that's so frustrating to me because you don't get to like say see you soon i was like and got in the car like i was like this is so frustrating you don't get to basically but why didn't you like seize the moment because it was in front of my roommate and her his her brother like it was just like a weird i wasn't gonna be like that's confusing so i feel like i'm just gonna let it die and not have been that hard to be like what do you mean i get i don't know it just was like we're all leaving i didn't want to make it a big deal but i was just like just commit to one side or the other don't give me this like i'm gonna be super nice and super like telling you I'm going

to see you again when I could have made a move or could have put more effort into this and didn't. Yeah. I don't think he's totally into it. Exactly. So then I'm like, don't lie. Just say bye. Like we don't need to hug and say see you soon.

Well, maybe he'll see you soon. Maybe he's thinking that. I don't, you know. I'm just like balls so in his court at this point. Like, I asked him out to begin with. I had the text yesterday. You reached out. Good for you.

Good to do that. She tried to set up. Ball is, in fact, in his court. And even if he does reach out, it would be appropriate for you to be like, all right, what exactly are we doing? Well, not what we're doing, but like I would just call him out at that point. like it doesn't seem like no that's cool but like

do you like i mean you seem very kind of flippant about this kind of like hangout thing and uh see where it goes but yeah i wouldn't so i suppose i'll just forget about him well good for you for reaching out thanks next time you know that would have been a great opportunity to be like, well, what do you mean? Then I think it's fine that your roommate was there to just simply say, what do you mean? I wouldn't have like yelled at him.

Why do you, Oh, soon. Oh, what do you, what do you mean? Um, well,

I'm still proud of you for, thanks dad. Wow. Okay. Uh, we have a great, great Wow. Okay. Uh, we have a great, great episode for you. Uh,

with some great callers. Don't forget to send your questions at ask Nick at cast media.com. Oh, I have something I want to actually, I'm glad I remembered. Uh, if you listen to this show, which I'm assuming you do,

cause you're listening right now. If you've learned anything from this show, anything, I don't know. Maybe you've learned nothing. Maybe I've ruined your life by taking my advice. Record a quick five to 15 second video, selfie style, to say your name and what you've learned by listening to the vile files. Make it fun. Make it interesting.

Email that video to asknickat me.com cast with a K and, we might share it on our social. So do that if you want. Oh, other than that, we got some great callers and, a great week lined up for you. And,

uh, without further ado, let's get to our callers. Let's ask Nick our callers. How's it going? Good. I'm Hannah. I'm 26. How can I help, Hannah? I was just wondering how to get over incidents with my boyfriend. He had cheated on me about a year and a half ago

and just experiencing some anxiety being around the girl he cheated on me with. So to recap, you're currently dating the guy who cheated on you and the girl he cheated on with is somehow in some way still part of his life. Correct. She is mutual friends with a lot of people we're friends with, so just frequently in our lives. Yeah. And when he cheated on you, how did you find out? I found out from a friend.

I had actually been, I'd just been gone on vacation, so it happened when I was gone, and she had told some people, and it got back to me. Gotcha. And so it's fair to say, or correct me if I'm wrong, that if it weren't for that friend, you may have never found out. Yes, 100%. And once you found out, how did you handle that? And how did you decide to stay? I took the rest of my vacation that I was on

and said I just need this time to think about it thought about it came back um I mean it was a rough a rough year to get through it but we were able to get through it um as far as the relationship standpoint and to build that trust back how so um I think a lot of a lot of communication a lot of communication, a lot of what's going on, why did you do it, trying to figure out all of that. The girl was his ex before me, so that was, I think part of it was that he hadn't let go of all that. So you found that to be comforting. That seemed like an excuse you could believe. Yeah, right. I think that definitely helped. I think to me, I believe that it was only her

and it wouldn't be other women. Yeah, I guess. Sure. But it sounds like you're not totally over it. No, no, not at all. I mean, again, I think we've done a lot of work but it always kind of seems to come back where um when i when she comes back into her lives just that kind of eats at your heart a little bit yeah what is he and i'm assuming you communicate

this this anxiousness or anxiety you have with him um we I think we generally just try not to talk about it at all anymore just because it does tend to spark arguments. Well, listen, the reality is he made a mistake, right? Then you chose, right or wrong, to try to work on it and get through it. And it's going to take how long it takes to get through it. And you're not yet. And you, unfortunately, don't, you and him, don't get to decide to just ignore it because you're over it.

You know, it's not necessarily over you, so to speak. You've heard, you know, that phrase, you know. Right. And that's kind of the situation you find yourself in. And my guess is part of you, I have no doubt that it took so much energy to get this far, to keep this relationship going for this long after the infidelity, that the thought of recognizing that you may never fully get to a place that you'll be totally over it um and so the idea of ending this relationship probably isn't even on your

radar mostly because of how much work you've put into getting over it? What do you think about that? Is that true, not true? Am I way off base? No, I think that's completely true. Like you said, I think I made the decision, right, that I wanted this to work out, that I wanted to be in this relationship and that I put in the work to try to make it work. And I do think that my boyfriend and I are in that good place. We've done the work. It's been a year and a half since it happened. But again, like you said, it is that little part that always comes back up. And when you said you did the work, did you guys get any therapy or professional help? Or like, how do you know you did it right?

Yeah, I did get professional help. I saw a therapist for a while. He joined in on a couple of the sessions as well, just to try to get that communication going between us. Cause I think that was a hard thing to talk about. Yeah. I mean, as far as the immediate problem, like, I don't know what to tell you because like you said, she's part of the friend group. And I can tell you that however inconvenient it might feel, like you're going to have to bring this up with him at the risk of him being annoyed or frustrated that you're not over it yet.

It would be really interesting when you do bring it up, how he responds to that, right? Does he continue to show grace and an acknowledgement of how he messed up um i could only imagine like knowing that you may never have found out about it and if it weren't for that friend how i mean this is a sincere question how have you come uh how have you faced that reality and how have you been able to accept that truth? I guess for me it was becoming more comfortable and confident with myself that if he's going to do something like that, I think it really just comes down to trust, right? So trusting that he will not do something like that again, because otherwise, I mean, it could happen again, right?

I would never know. So I think it was really just taking a leap of faith to say, this is what I want. I love this man and I want to be in this relationship. So I kind of a blind jump. But you don't fully trust him. I understand why. Because if you did fully trust him, her being around in any capacity wouldn't affect you. True. Right? fully trust him her being around in any capacity wouldn't affect you true right yeah that is true yeah and that's okay i'm not trying to but you don't fully and i understand and you may never

i mean you may want to you know what i'm saying you might not get to choose whether you can get over it so to speak and i do think it's important to kind of listen to what, you know, your heart or your gut or whatever you want to say is communicating with you. So that's really my biggest advice to you is to stop ignoring yourself because it's inconvenient or you feel like you've already put in all the work. And I don't have the answer of what you necessarily should do. Like you can't necessarily, like you do have to communicate this with him on some level, you know, because, yeah, like I don't know. But like he did something extreme and he's just going to, you know, and that trust might not be fully there for a while.

And that trust might not be fully there for a while. And even if you don't fully, like just for your own peace of mind, because we have a way of going down rabbit holes and being our worst enemy. And he is a big reason why you might have these kind of neurotic thoughts about things, even though maybe he's been a fucking rock star ever since. Maybe he's just like always having

your best interests in mind etc etc and if that is the case then asking him for you two to go out of your way even if it's inconvenience to the friend group to remove her from the equation in any form whatsoever so you don't have to like fucking think about her see her be reminded of it is not that much to ask or see her or be reminded of it is not that much to ask. Noom, shavings make a pile. That's right, and meet your fitness goals, whatever they are, with Noom. Noom's cognitive behavioral approach focuses on why

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large, medium, slim fit, tall fits, relaxed, you name it. They got it. Free returns and exchanges. Use code V-I-A-L-L for 20% off your first purchase at untuckit.com. Use code V-I-A-L-L for 20% off your first purchase at untuckit.com. If it is a lot to ask of him, then that would tell you something, where his priorities lie. Then he is still, in some level, prioritizing her. I don't care what he says, and I don't care if he blames it on the group,

but it shouldn't be that fucking hard to be like, we shouldn't, neither of us want to have her be involved if i'm him if i somehow cheated on my girlfriend because oh my god i just i don't know what came over me that one night and yeah even though i didn't cop up and i got caught but now i now i'm so sorry now i i regret it i wish i could go back and not do it over and over again I can't imagine a world where I wouldn't want to go out of my way to not have this be have this remind my girlfriend every other day or whatever every other week or whatever it is so like this should be such an easy ask for you of him.

But you're afraid to bring it up for some reason. Because my guess is deep down, you know it's not going to be an easy ask. That he is going to get defensive and try to defend keeping her around. And that's going to bug the shit out of you. Yeah, I think that is exactly it. I definitely don't think it would be an easy ask. I think it would turn into a little more than that. But it should be an easy ask. We all agree, right?

Everyone in this room, everyone on this call, we all agree that that's a no-brainer. Everyone listening, I think that's an easy ask. Relationships are sacrifices, especially when we have to we make choices we make decisions and sometimes we then have to sacrifice more to make up for certain things um and it's not because it's like a tit for tat thing but like i'm worried for you because you're you're not listening to yourself and you are putting way too much value on the work that you've put in and you are afraid to cut your losses.

And you may love him and you may be in a pretty good place relative to the fact that he did cheat on you. But how old are you again? 26. You're super young. How old is he? 29. Okay. I mean, his. How old is he? 29. Okay. I mean,

his age is really irrelevant to that question, but yeah, I mean, like, have you even considered leaving him? I have, I guess not for a while, but I think when it had first happened,

it was definitely a thought that, again, when I was deciding what to do. I guess my advice, if you want me to be totally candid, is that i think you really need to start paying really close attention to what you're telling yourself you know those voices that are telling you this isn't okay this isn't right and instead of trying to convince yourself it's nothing or that you're crazy you at a minimum need to have you like

you're in a relationship right now where you're afraid to bring up issues to your boyfriend to avoid conflict and i don't even care if you didn't cheat on you that's not healthy so you are in a somewhat unhealthy relationship you don't fully trust him, right? These are just truths you need to accept and then do something with the truth. And that truth might be bring it up and see if you can continue to work on and get through it. But like the fact that you are afraid to bring up these things is a big deal and something that you shouldn't ignore. It's not gonna go away. It's not gonna just disappear. The fact that you are avoiding bringing up these

conversations with someone will rear its ugly head in the relationship and it might not even be about her. It will be a pattern. And so you need to, your communication isn't as great as you want it to be you're not these are like what's communication if you can't communicate in these times like deciding where you guys are going to get dinners neat and that's great that you guys can you know work through some minor disagreements but you need to be able to work through this stuff. So definitely leave the door open for you to end this relationship.

And I'm not telling you have to, but leave, leave that door open. And if you can throw out whatever investment you've made in this relationship, you know, don't fall victim to the, you know, sunk cost fallacy of investing more because you've already in this relationship. Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy

of investing more because you've already invested a ton already. That's silly. I get it. We all do it, but it is silly. But create the expectation for yourself that I need to be in a relationship where I trust my partner.

And if I don't trust my partner, I have to at least be relationship where I trust my partner. And if I don't trust my partner, I have to at least be able to communicate with my partner where the distrust comes from. And it is fair for me to ask of my partner, even at the risk of inconvenience of them, to have them make sacrifices for the relationship and for me. And I shouldn't feel bad about that, especially when they were the cause of those insecurities. And I shouldn't feel bad about that, especially when they were the

cause of those insecurities. And there is no expiration date on your feeling shitty from this breakup. Like he doesn't get to be like, you get to get feel shitty for six months and then you need to be over it. You know, to some point I do agree with the argument that if you're going to forgive someone at some point, you do have to go to if you're going to forgive someone at some point you do have to go to a place where you need to accept it or move on but just because you want to accept it doesn't mean you can and you need to face that reality too step one is telling him something that he should without question have no problem doing for you that's step one and if he doesn't do that thing and if he does the thing you think he might do and you're afraid

that he will don't ignore that and you calmly say listen i don't know what to tell you i hate to be the bearer of bad news but you did fuck her while we were dating and uh it's crazy and hard for me to have her be in my life so like i don't you can't make me feel bad for this ask and quite frankly it's a bummer that i even have to for sure yeah i i do think that makes sense um so yeah i mean i think this is uh very relatable um it's a tough position you're in because you i don't doubt that do love them. And you probably have so many great things about the relationship. And 90% of it is great. But that 10% that's not okay right now is a big 10% that can grow into something greater.

And you do not want to end up and marry someone who you can't communicate uh some of your insecurities with who you don't trust and that you avoid conflict because you're afraid of their answer that's not someone you want to end up with agreed so i would start there so i'm sorry you're going through this i know it sucks it's not like you want better better news but the only thing you're doing wrong is uh ignoring yourself yeah i think that's that is great advice may we'll try again i feel like it's one of those things that's always easier said than done but it is but i promise you i promise you that you will be better off in the long run if you do this i'm like i don't know what's going to happen in the long run if you do this. I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen in the short run. And it definitely might not go the way you want to right now, but I promise you

I would bet everything I have, everything I have on the fact that if you listen to yourself and you hold the standards for what you know you deserve, you will, I promise you, you will be better off. I promise. Like it might be an inconvenient year or two, but I, like you will be much better. You will be happier in the long run. Definitely. So just remember that when you are struggling in the short run. All right. Yes, will do.

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That's headspace.com slash V-I-A-L-L. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to headspace.com slash V-I-A-l-l how's it going good how are you great what's your name my name's kaylee hi kaylee how can i help i am the duff when it comes to my two best friends you're the what the duff the does it the designated ugly fat friend. I didn't know there was such a designated ugly fat friend. Okay. Well, let's see where this goes. What? They made a whole movie about it.

What movie? I don't know. It came out a couple of years ago. What? I can't hear you. I'm speaking to the mic. No, it was literally called The Duff. Like it was like a teenage film.

It was on Netflix. They promoted it for like two weeks straight. Then it lost. Gotcha. All right. And you've identified yourself as this person? Yes, I have. Do your friends identify you as this person?

They don't. They hate me every time I say it. Okay. But. Okay. All right. Continue. So I go out I say it. Okay. But. Okay. All right. Continue. So I go out with my friends.

Okay. And one of my best friends is tall and blonde and super skinny, rock and bod. My other best friend, she's like my height. We're both 5'2", but she's super fit, looks good in anything. And then I wear an outfit similar to theirs. I look like the mom of the group. And every time we go out somewhere, everyone always comes up to them and saying how beautiful they are. And like, I don't even get acknowledged ever.

How long have you been friends with these ladies? A couple months. Okay. Well, how did you meet? We worked together, actually. Okay. Yes. So you've only been friends for a couple months okay well how'd you meet we work together actually okay yes you've only been friends for a couple months yes okay and so what's your question my question is whenever we go out somewhere like i'm always the bold one that's always out there dancing having a good time drinking you know just making the most of the night but when I'm out and I don't get

acknowledged by any sort of male human is there something I should like is there a certain way I should be dressing or a different way I should go about myself because it's so awkward when I don't even get looked at okay well when you go out and as you say drink dance and have fun why are you drinking and dancing and having fun that's just like my personality like i'm okay personality so if that's what you want to do then you should do it because you think it's fun right now again i i don't you know either there's no wrong answer if you do it because, like, that's my thing, you know, because that's how I get guys because I dance. You know, that's also fine, too. But, you know, you said, oh, well, I go out and I drink and have fun and have a good time and I'm not getting attention.

So, like, just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it. And there's no wrong answer, but you should just know the truth, whatever that truth is. I've tried dating apps. I've tried all of that. But the guys that live in my area, they're just, they don't want, they want a specific type of girl. I mean, listen, you seem like a very cute girl.

You know what I'm saying? Like you're being a little hard on yourself. I don't know what your friends look like. If you're telling me your two friends you've known for two months are like two bombshells that modern society considers traditionally super attractive, then sure. Yeah. You're going to be hanging out with people who naturally are going to capture more attention than you.

I don't know what to tell you. And so what you need to try to do is figure out can you be your best self around these people? Quite honestly, I think it is kind of shitty to, like, it's really dumb for you to keep doing the thing that you're doing in terms of like, I'm the whatever, Duff, Durf? Yes, the Duff. It is like like it's not fair to your friends that you call yourself that it can't make them feel any

bad they didn't do anything to like have you call yourself clearly you're selling yourself short and over time they're just gonna eventually be like we don't they're gonna decide they don't want to hang out with you anymore because you're going to make them feel bad about themselves for doing nothing. That makes sense. That's that's I don't know when that's going to happen, but it's going to happen if you continue this narrative of being like, I'm the ugly one. Ha ha. Poor me. Like, you know, like you need to figure out how you can feel more confident.

confident and maybe that means like not necessarily hanging out with women who make you feel less confident until you are able to hang out with anyone and have like and newsflash there are men who aren't going to like them there are men who are going to like you and not like you right now maybe because these two friends might be considered more traditionally good looking. They might get attention at first, right? But we're talking about attention at a bar, right? And so if you're in it for attention, you know, if your goal is to go out to a bar and get hit on the most, then you should definitely not hang out with two bombshells, if that's your goal.

Now, if your goal is to go out and have fun and do the things that you think are fun, like drink and dance and have a good time and maybe meet a nice guy that you connect with, well, then you can easily hang out with your friends, not stress about or fixate on all the attention they're getting. And you're definitely gonna get hit on.

You're a cute girl. Like you're a nice, and if you're out there and you truly are focused on having fun and you're definitely going to get hit on you're a cute girl like you're nice and if you're out there and you truly are focused on having fun and you're not focused on how much attention they're getting then you people will respond to that energy but the energy it sounds like you're giving off is one of insecurity and maybe you're dancing for attention rather than dancing because it's fun i dance because it's fun okay I dance because it's fun. Okay.

And I don't doubt that you do in the right circumstances, but right now you're going out there and, listen, you're human. It's cramping your style, you know? And maybe you can't tell the difference or maybe it just looks like it. Either way, you just have to control what you can control, you know? Right. That makes sense. My ultimate goal is to, like, get a boyfriend. Like, that was, that's what I want to do.

But it's just a little bit more difficult than I thought it would be. And so that's kind of why I go out to, like, maybe organically meet someone because the dating apps haven't worked. How old are you again? What was that? How old are you again? 23. Okay, so you're young How old are you again? 23. Okay, so you're young.

It might take a couple years. I'm not stressed, but after my last relationship, I've just kind of been looking for something to someone to prove me wrong about all guys because right now

none of them. What do you mean because like you had a toxic ex and he spoke for he spoke for all men so far every guy i've been on dates with from dating apps like they'll take me to dinner do all the nice things and then right before about to leave every single one of them have always asked me oh well do you want to come back to my place and stay the night okay i'm like three hours ago that's not happening and i've yet to go out with someone who hasn't asked me either to come over at like 11 o'clock 12 o'clock at night or after dinner being like oh well i bought you dinner so you should come over and give me what i want do they say that or they imply that? They're implying it. Okay.

Well, so the good news is, is you're getting attention. Do you know, you're kind of making my point too. It's just like, you know, you're, do you, these friends that you're going out with, do you think they're interacting with different men? No, one of them's in a relationship and the other one just got out of one as well but yeah and so the one who got a relationship is most likely when she's out there a date is gonna encounter the same type of guys right and it's not that all guys are shitty it's just like you know communication i don't know and like yeah maybe they're looking for the easy hookup we are in a

hookup culture it's's not just men. Women are looking to hook up to on first dates. That's fine. And that's fine that you don't want to. And you just simply say no. Also, like, maybe don't go out to dinner on first dates. Yeah. And I'm not saying, like, just because a guy buys you dinner, you are anyway required to do anything more.

But, like, it's just, you know, it's easier to get to know someone when the expectations are lower you know when it's just a more chill cup of coffee or a drink and you know and and maybe just limit um the built-in expectations what happens when you when they got just out of curiosity when a guy's like hey do you want to go back to my place and stay over they're like they they already they're saying stay over yeah they're like we'll come back to my place like we can drink some more and like if you drink too much you can just stay the night gotcha gotcha and what do you say i literally every single time i'm like this is my first day meeting you i've known you for maybe three hours max like what makes you think i'm gonna come over and stay the night with you what do they say they're like well you know i'm not a

serial killer like you should know that i'm like that's not what i'm saying what i'm saying is i'm trying to date to find a boyfriend not date to hook up with you and i think i don't think i prefaced that before any of my dates i kind of just assumed that they would have the respect for me yeah well you know not to assume but you also know like the good news is is like you are weeding these people out like listen again i mean you've heard me say it before but part of dating is like you just have to it's like by definition you should find a lot more people that you're not interested in than interested in it's far more dangerous if you're going on

all these dates and and they're all amazing right that means that you don't have enough of like standards and expectations and things that you're looking for so you know yeah the downside is is this process can be exhausting and as far as going out with these two girls i think you need to work on um not comparing yourself to them and certainly stop calling yourself that around your friends and it's only going to hurt your friendship again with your friend that is only going to make you feel worse about yourself you know you're doing that as a i don't know some sort of self-pity tactic it's not productive you're not nothing good's coming from it uh and the trust me the energy you give off when you do that is one of like less than and and people can sense that type of energy

and then you know the separate problem you have is that you you know apparently all these dates you want to go on the guys not every date you know guys want to take her home so clearly you're doing something right on the dates so that should give you confidence that they like you. And just because that doesn't mean you have to go, you know, you can, you can be like, Oh,

well another one I could have closed, but I didn't want it, you know? And, and he wasn't my guy. Um, yeah. Um,

are you guys drinking a lot during dinner? Not that that really matters, but I'm just curious. I'll have like one drink. I'm usually a beer drinker but i'm not going to drink beer on the first date so i'll get something like fruity and that'll be it and i'll drink water for the rest of the time just so i can drive home so i don't get drunk or tipsy or anything like that yeah maybe yeah you know again i can't speak for all, all, all guys. How old are these guys you're going out with? Um, oldest guy I've been out with was 28. So like five years between my age, 23 and 28.

Yeah. I mean, you know, you're definitely gonna, there's no doubt that in the dating world today, you're going to run into a lot of guys who aren't, you know, who are, would be more than open to hooking up on, on the first date. The only note I have for you is when that happens, they don't need a lecture from you. You're not their mom. You just simply say, no, thanks. You know, yeah. You don't even have to ask them questions. Like I barely, you know what I'm saying? Like you're not going to get really authentic answers, you know, what they're telling you who they are what they're looking for and you just say no no thanks you know um since i've been on one so if he if they ask why so like well why not i'd be like i because i you know i i just met you and you know i don't and i'm

well yeah it's not about you being a serial killer like there's a lot of other things that could go down that i don't want to go down that have nothing to do with you murdering me exactly um i just i don't want to get drunk and and sleep on a i like sleeping in my own bed i don't know it's that simple yeah don't get into fights and disagreements with guys that you don't need to waste anymore like they've already told you they're not worth your energy and then you just need to move on and when it feels exhausting from time to time just put a pause in the dating and I still believe there are guys out there and plenty of guys who who aren't going to try that you just have to weed weed through them yeah like you said i'm still young but you know i just

get excited good about my future i always want all those things so you have plenty of time and don't burn out in the meantime and and set yourself up for feeling less than or disappointed and and you know stop with the whole pity thing yes and uh you have a lot going for you so yes all right thank you so much i really appreciate it all right well best of luck thank you all right how's it going it's going well how are you good what's your name my name is van Vanessa and I'm 36. How can I help Vanessa? So I have been seeing someone for about five months.

We have had the exclusivity conversation. We are exclusive boyfriend, girlfriend, like done all of that. He does tend to be more on the avoidant side and i'm definitely i think more on the anxious side knowing myself um we're talking about attachment styles here yeah yeah everyone knows their attachment style now yeah everyone's an expert um anyways go ahead i am a psychologist oh okay flex so there is that okay well if you are a psychologist yeah no it's just everyone comes in all of a sudden it's like all of a sudden everyone tells me their attachment style and anyways go ahead i would say more than anything you know it's just he has a tendency to be hot and cold, which is more which is more the issue than anything else.

What do you mean by hot and cold? Give me an example. So when we're together, it's great. And we, you know, connect. And I know it's not great because everyone has different texting styles and things like that but when we're not together like sometimes I just like I don't hear from him I also feel like there has been a little bit of this tendency where how long can you go between like are you talking about throughout the day or if you don't reach out to him you won't hear from him in a week uh it's always I get something but like for example he's traveling right now um he's in between uh work so he had kind of like a month and a half off and is out of state and so this has definitely pushed it into uh bringing it out a lot where i will get a text from him like at

night but we're in different time zones and it's not really a chance to connect so he's been gone bringing it out a lot where I will get a text from him like at night, but we're in different time zones and it's not really a chance to connect. So he's been gone for like a month and a half. Yeah, he's going to be, he's only been gone for about a week and a half at this point. Almost like extended vacation. Yeah.

Yeah. And where, what's he doing? Where's, where's he going? How long you been together by the way? About five months. Okay.

Yeah. Where is he going? He is hiking around. He saw some friends, and now he's just doing some backpacking. And before this vacation, this was still an issue? I would say, so with his job, the way he describes it is like when he's working, he doesn't have time to text during the day. And again, it's not necessarily about the texting it's just more for me about feeling like I matter and like still

needing some of that connection and we've had some conversations about it um and I feel like he normally is pretty receptive to it and tries to address it but then it's almost like back to the being cold again where I just really don't feel like we're connecting much and it's even like little things where I'll get a text of like uh for this for example I was away this weekend so he was like I hope you're having fun with your friends which was nice because he's like giving me space to like have fun with my friends and everything like that but like that was mostly it like there was no like how are you doing what's going on like we haven't had that conversation basically since he left there's been no how's your life going so you've been dating this guy for five months you've defined the relationship you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend

yeah he has a job where he takes a five week vacation he's a week into that and right now you guys don't like FaceTime on the regular or just check in and see how each other's day is he sent you a okay well yeah that's not great it's a problem

okay so then why what's what do we like about this guy I love how driven he is I love you know that's like a quality he has for himself yeah which is nice but how about how he makes you feel uh i when we're together like i definitely feel like he cares about me. And it does seem to be more of like when we're physically together, it's almost like it feels like out of sight, out of mind.

So that's kind of what keeps me in it. And I, I know I need to have a conversation with him about it, but then part of me is just like, if is it just better to just, I don't know. Like even part of me. Oh, go ahead. Well, when you guys guys when he was about to leave for this vacation were there like any like expectations set of how like because

like a five like leaving for five weeks is a long time yeah and you guys not that you want to be like oh you're gonna go on this vacation i need you to talk to me every day like not that you're gonna do that but like you would a normal thing would be to just i don't know it's also you've only been in for five months like there should be still kind of honeymoon phase kind of thing right um was there any thought of him inviting you on this trip or you couldn't go because it's work or five you can't take five weeks off or yeah so we did talk about me going and meeting up with him i with my job i couldn't take that whole time and then there were some other things that came up that basically made it so that i can't okay but at least he did get brought up did he bring it up yeah no he brought it up initially um and then actually like the night before he left

because of like some of these other things that happened he was like so it's for sure you're not gonna come out i guess so we haven't really talked about it more and it sounds like you're waiting for him to make these conversations happen or have you tried to FaceTime him or call him to talk and he doesn't answer? So I called him once when, and, you know, he called me back. We talked for like an hour. It almost felt to me like he was like hitting a quota, like of what he thought that I would want it. Like, if I talk to her for an hour on the phone, then she'll be okay if we don't talk that much

the next couple days. And he was going into seeing his friends from college who he hadn't seen for a while. And so I was a little bit understanding of that of like, I don't know, when I'm doing something, I don't necessarily want to be on my phone all the time um and if i'm around friends you know it's sometimes a little bit like i'm i don't know like some of it's not as a it bothers me that we don't find ways to connect but i'm also understanding of giving him a little bit of space while he's doing his thing how old is he again he's 36 so you guys are both 36 so you're not like you're not 22 you're at a point in each other's lives i'm guessing that um it should naturally be easier to have clear expectations of the things that you want right like you've been named for five months which is

not a super long time but it's long enough that two 36 year olds who date should have a pretty good idea of what each other wants in an exclusive relationship like when you guys define the relationship what expectations did you guys set of what you guys wanted that relationship to look like it was a really a lot about like spending time together doing the things that we both enjoy um and also like having supporting each other with our own interests still okay so i mean do you want to get married yes do you want kids i actually i don't think i want kids okay you don't want kids you want to get married yeah okay and does he want to get married he said he did oh so okay so you had that does he want to

have kids no okay so you but because we've had conversations like well it seems like you're for someone who's 36 years old dating another 36 year old for five months there seems like a lot you don't know about basic expectations like you sound like you are dating a guy that you started dating a week before he took a five-week vacation that's how you sound okay but you've been dating for five months and that is a good amount of time especially for like two 36 year olds who, you know, are typically at a place in their life where they, you know, I'm assuming you've had other boyfriends and other shit and you've, you know, learned to, you ignored your things that you wanted and now you're 36 and it's just like you've got less time to waste, so to speak. And now you're 36 and it's just like you've got less time to waste, so to speak. And so, yeah, you're just kind of weirdly confused about something. You know, you're not asking enough questions, you know, and maybe you're just guilty of being the cool chick or wanting to be the cool chick.

I don't know. And not pressuring him. I can't I don't know what to tell you in terms of like, you called him and it felt like a quota. Like, that could be something he's doing or maybe you're just projecting what you've already told yourself. Like, maybe he isn't the best communicator. You know, like a lot of guys, yeah. Like, I don't love talking on the phone or FaceTiming.

Like, when Nally and i started like hanging out she we lived in different states and like we didn't talk all that much like you know um and we weren't official at that point but like i wasn't the best at like we talked on a regular basis we talked more than you guys talk and we weren't even together but we definitely didn't have like regular like hour-long conversations so like you i think you it's great that you define the relationship but it seems kind of unclear of how you guys define it or what expectation like it sounds like you guys agreed to not have sex with other people and that's about it and you guys enjoyed having something regular in your lives as 36 year olds that's as far as i got from the only thing we know for sure. Right.

Yeah. I mean, like, and that's been something I've been struggling with too, is like at this point is me being confused about it. Like partially. Yes. I haven't asked certain questions.

I, part of me like realized like that, even though we talked about what we want more long term and that he doesn't want kids and marriage is something we're both interested in, that I don't actually know what he considers a good relationship. Yeah. Well, that's great that you can admit that. Yeah. yeah and that i've been like realizing with him gone of like exactly how you describe it is like maybe that's all he wants for a girlfriend is not someone who actually connects with yeah and that's definitely a lot of people like that and honestly they have the right to want that

right you have the right to not want that but you're two people not someone's not being honest both of you are probably guilty of not effectively communicating yeah you're just hoping the other person figures it out you know um and there are times where like at least in my relationship she might point something out that she likes that maybe doesn't come naturally to me when that happens it's natural for that person to be resistant or defensive like oh well i don't i'm not good at it like i'm not good at texting or i'm not good at planning or whatever it is but at some point you decide in a relationship that it's important to them and you do it and you don't make it feel like a chore all the time you you consciously say i know it's important to this person i want to make them feel happy i want them to make them feel like they're

i don't like i don't like i think guys and women who are in love and happy in a relationship would hate to hear, I'm confused about how you feel about me. I'm confused of your expectations of me. And sometimes in a relationship we have to say, I'm kind of confused about how you feel about things or your expectations. not confused about how you feel about things or your expectations at the risk of and he might officially he might initially get defensive or disappointed and you know certainly not an ideal time when he's on vacation but like fuck like if he can't like take a pause in his vacation to make his girlfriend feel confident and comfortable about where she stands with him in the relationship then he's not capable of being in a relationship that you want, right?

Right. And you're right. He might want something so casual that he just likes having the regular sex. And maybe he's not so sexual that he needs to like sleep with multiple women. He's just like, I got a good thing with a nice girl. She doesn't like ask too much of me. I can go on these trips. It's pretty casual. I like it. And you know what? He has every right to want something like that. You're doing yourself

a disservice by not bringing up the things that you want and articulating your expectations and just feeling confused about what he likes. So you just have to kind of bring it up you almost have to redefine once again the relationship because all you really did is agree to stop sleeping with other people before and then you agree to give yourself a label but like not sleeping with each other and giving yourself a label is a nice and it's a good step but like there's a lot more expectations that need to be defined in relationships you know like do we go to each other's families during the holidays how much time do we spend with each other how do we want this to grow what do we want this to grow into you know do we want to get married

someday do we want to have kids someday you know do you know there's all these things you know it doesn't just stop when you agree to stop sleeping with other people and give each other labels. So knowing that any conversation that we have had that I have felt like has brought us closer and has been one of those more real conversations, he definitely does better in person. Like it will be the type of thing where like we might talk about it briefly on the phone.

And then the next time we see each other,'s a long conversation in person sure really kind of talking about some of those things i've been a little bit stuck even right now with him away because that's not an option so yeah like is it do i wait till five weeks? He might be better at in-person conversations, but I hope you're not okay with dating someone who's incapable of having conversations that might happen at a slightly inconvenient time. Right. He still has FaceTime. You know what I'm saying?

Like, that's a pretty good form of communication. It's not as good as in-person, but you are looking at each other. communication it's not it's not as good as in person but you are looking at each other and again if he is not willing or able to like carve out some time on his vacation for his girlfriend for something like this then this is not a guy who really wants expectations of himself in a relationship right and again you it might be something you know before you say we need to talk why don't you just like reach out to him more and see how he can handle that be like i like talking to you like i'd love to you know he shouldn't need a vacation from his girlfriend five months in right and if i agree if it's such a burden to talk to you for even like

to check it and see how it's going how was your day babe what you know like you know i don't know yeah so reach out to him more see how he responds stop telling your you know try to get out of your head if you can about already like telling yourself how and then like yeah it's okay to ask you've been dating this guy for five months it's okay to say i miss you it's okay for want him to miss you back yeah i mean you're really selling yourself short when it comes to like expectations you're getting out of this relationship just i don't know it doesn't sound like again it sounds a lot like someone you met a week ago who just said i like you but i'm going about to go on a five week vacation, but we can still talk. Yeah. That's kind of the realization I've been coming to

too, but it's not, it's not as much as I felt like it was when he was here. Yeah. Well, part of it is coming down to like not being afraid to set expectations. Stop assuming that expectations will work themselves out. Everyone has so many different expectations of a relationship and how much time you spend to each other and the affection that you give to one another and the love languages you guys respond to. And again, marriage, kids, everyone's different. And if you do want to get married, how traditional do want to get married how traditional do you want to be who do you want to be involved if you do want to have kids how many kids do you want like these are all like you know family vacations like you know holidays like these are things couples talk about and as you grow and connect and like you you keep defining these

expectations and you're just like, I just like saying I have a boyfriend. I didn't really think of it like that, but I mean, I think you want more. We were not sure if he just likes saying he has a girlfriend, but either way, neither of you are trying to define any real expectations and boundaries.

And so now you're just sitting here wondering, well, I mean, I guess like he's not, I mean, let's just assume he's not fucking all girls because he's my boyfriend and sure doesn't feel like my boyfriend yeah yeah so okay what do you have to lose at this point i mean that's kind of the spot i've been at anyway like for the last week I've even like, I know it's always the kiss of death,

like actually typing out my notes. Sure. But I can guarantee you that like, if this guy is worth having in your life and if he wants to be in your life, trying to address this, at least on some level to get some clarity and have him say, babe, Oh my God,

I did not realize I'm, you know what? I've been caught up in my head and I've been looking for the, I do want you to know, I really like us. And I, I'm into you. I'm super into you. Yeah. I'm not the best communicator, but like, thank you for letting me know. Let's talk more. You know, I want you, I miss you. I do. I miss you, by the way, you know, like if he, he he he might do that and he should do that and if he doesn't do that then you should ask yourself why am I dating this guy

right okay and just because you're afraid he might not say that is not reason not to bring it up yeah okay

that's something I always have to remind myself so thank you all right best of luck thank you all right take care bye bye bye

how's it going hi my name is Emily I'm 25 hi Emily how can I help Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. How's it going? Hi, my name is Emily. I'm 25. Hi, Emily. How can I help? Yeah. So way back in November, me and my five-year ex broke up because we had a lot of complications and cheating.

And then I was in the process of moving on. And in January of this year my high school crush um dm'd me and then we started like the regular dating thing and things were good when we started and then then we just turned out to be official and then a few months after, we turned out. What do you mean? You woke up and you had a t-shirt that said property of or something? How did that? What do you mean? So I was in the process of moving on, healing and stuff. And then my five-year, I mean, my high school crash just DM'd me.

No, I get that. But how did you end up all of a sudden being official? Well, he asked me like can you be my girlfriend okay okay yeah so we actually like did the i don't know if there's a term for proper we started dating and he tried to define the relationship and use and said great yeah because like we were really good at the talking stage so like okay no red flags no cheating he had the histories of cheating and I had, so we might be clicked. So, and we clicked. When you say history of cheating, you mean you both were cheated on

by your exes? We got cheated on by our exes. Like, yeah. And then, yeah. And then after we made it official, that's where complications came in. We had had we didn't know we had our ex's baggage um we had traumas that in our past that we probably need to fix especially me because i just got out from a five-year relationship i thought i can heal at the same time have a person to be with because i had friends that um they just got out from a very toxic relationship and then they just jump on another one and things turned out great I've been asking about my friends too that had the same issues that they got cheated on and then a new people new person comes in and then up until now they're still together and things were healthy things were

good so I was like okay why not I should. And then it turned out the opposite way for me. There were like ex baggage, um, traumas that brought up and we've been asking about our exes for some reason. And then it turned out really toxic. Yeah. And then turned out really toxic, fighting over little things, um, jealousy, um, all that insecurities and stuff. Um, instead of us communicating communicating what and we had like a really bad communicating issues so after that we just had to like okay you know what um let's just call it off i don't think it's gonna work um we just have to i think we have to heal first before we get into to continue this relationship and then you broke up we broke up okay around it was around april okay and um so we straight up not talking for a month and a half so we really cut off our communication

and then um a month like almost two months we started talking again so we caught we started to catch up we get we're like okay let's just see each other probably be friends and probably pick up where we left off so we did we had some few hangouts we talked about where we left off and how we're like how we broke up and how we had some issues in the past and we were like kind of like still love bombing and you're just like and he was just like a, and I saw how he regretted it. And how he saw- Who broke up with who? I broke, because we came from a vacation. And then that vacation was just like, I don't know, it's just like, it wasn't the downfall, because we had an argument in that vacation too.

It started, and then we just like, and then we came back from here at home. We were just like, I don't think this can be fixed anymore. Because prior to vacation, we had a lot of issues. And we've been arguing and yelling to each other. You said this to him? Yeah. And then I was like, I don't think I can still go on further with this. I have to move on.

So what do you mean by you sensed that he was regretting things? Because you made it seem sense that he was regretting things? Because that implies you made it seem like maybe he was regretting breaking up with you, but you broke up with him. Yeah. And because past in our like our past issues, it involved with opposite sex friends because I have a lot of not a lot, but like in a group of guys in a group of friends there's only four of us girls and the rest are guys but we've been friends since we were 19 so and then there was this one guy that um he because back in our talking stage he was like so you have a guy friend so like yeah and he was like asking if have i ever thought of getting into one of them and i was just like probably on the other side of the universe if he's single and blah blah i would what's that i would hit her him so wait wait wait the guy you were dating

who's been cheated on asked you like these guy friends you have like would you ever or consider in any context whatsoever to possibly date them and you were like maybe yeah no not not not in that way but like if we're not guy friends if i'm not like just just so you're clear any answer other than absolutely not no way they're like my brother is like it doesn't matter how you said it short of that you're i mean what were you expecting i mean be totally honest like i'm not i'm not a jealous guy i'm not i'm not uh but uh i'm a realistic right and if my if i asked my girlfriend i'm like hey these guys that you're friends with like if my insecurity crept up and i was compelled to like ask him a question about like what like is there in any way would you ever consider anything with him whatsoever short of

her being like absolutely not like that answer would bother. Well, what do you mean? You know? So like, and my question to you is what do you mean? Like what? Cause it sounds like, there sounds like I've had an idea of what they could or should do. And if they did this and they probably won't, but if they did, then yeah, maybe I would.

So like, what if they do? So like, if that's just so you know, that feels like to a guy, he's always going to assume that guy will figure it out at some point. And the point, and that's not even the real point. The point is there's a thought of like in a perfect world, that's what you would want.

I mean, especially if you're wasting the energy to fantasize about some scenario that you yourself don't even think is going to happen, that implies that you've given it some serious thought. And you're investing a lot of your energy in kind of alone time. I had thoughts about it. Okay. Either way. And then again, I'm not, I'm not like, that's okay that you thought that and good for you for being honest and you're allowed to think those things, but just, I'm just trying to provide just you know i don't know what kind of a reaction you expected i mean he certainly doesn't have a right to do anything toxic but he certainly has the right to be upset yeah yeah i understood

the part where he where he was upset and i reassured him after i saw his reaction like time after that i was like i tried I tried not, I probably tried. Yeah, I tried to cut off my guy friends. Not really cut off, but like less hang out with them to make him feel reassured that I don't have anything with my guy friends, especially to that specific guy that I'm fine. I don't have any intentions with him. And I just really want to work things between us before.

And I understood where there will be times where he was like, he gets so paranoid and he overthinks a lot. I got that, which I gave him a lot of reassurances about it. I'll be honest. I don't know what you said to reassure him. But like, I don't know if he's ever. Yeah. I mean like good for you for being honest. Like you have that going for you. You're like, I'll tell you anything.

Even guys that like, yeah, there's a world where I would totally want to be with my friend who, by the way, we're going to go hang out with, you know, like it's, it's just hard. How old is this guy? 23. Okay. Yeah. I i mean so what's your what's your question where are you at now what's your situation okay well we broke up and then we got back together now like we're trying to get together and then okay this is where the

complications start okay um well i mean it's already started but okay so two weeks ago, my best friend had a party, and my five ex came. And then we kissed. So you cheated on your now boyfriend? No, no, because we broke up. We broke up, right? Like my recent ex, we broke up. And then we're trying to get back things together. We're testing waters, how we built something from our previous issue.

Listen, you're creating just a giant mess and you are are you are operating in a sea full of semantics and i mean yeah you could probably make an argument that your behavior if five years from now someone asks you have you ever cheated on someone you could say i haven't and technically it's true yeah like you know that like whether you've defined the relationship again with this guy that you already had defined the relationship with and this is about like you guys started dating right after you broke up with your five-year ex so there's already going to be an insecurity and rightfully so. Like have either of you processed this breakup enough to like not have to avoid the baggage

that naturally comes with the breakup and give yourselves fully to each other and try to build this relationship, right? So that he was, your ex was already in the picture. Then you guys stopped talking and then you start talking again and maybe even define the relationship and then your ex shows up and the first thing you do is make out with your ex like that's shitty i mean you're human it's fine but like all this really is telling me is like yeah is it true that people are capable of working through their own shit while also being in a relationship? Yes, I certainly hope so because we will always constantly have things to work on, right?

There are various degrees of that. Like no one's ever a finished product, you know? No one's ever like, you know what? I'm finally going to be the best version of myself. There's no such thing. You constantly should be working on yourself, right? So to be in love, like it has to be true that you can work on yourself and be in love. But there are plenty of times and just because your friends can do it or it seems like your friends are able to do it, you don't really

know if they are, right? It's very easy for someone to want to project how happy they are off the heels of a breakup. And maybe they are, right? And maybe it's a mixed bag of both. The point is you're not them. And the guy you're dating isn't the guy they're dating. There's a lot of variables that might be different. And you're just saying the only variable you're considering is they broke up with someone, it was toxic, they quickly found something else. But there's so many other variables, how they met, who they dated, et cetera, et cetera, that play a role in why it might work for them and not work for you. And what's clear to me is that this situation and your situation seems like something you might need to work on alone right because you're demonstrating toxic behavior

you're getting in the weeds and justifying your actions you're not over your ex yet clearly there's no justifiable reason why you should have given your ex who's already cheated on you multiple times over the course of five years and proven that not only is he someone capable of making a mistake he's just a cheater he's a multiple offender cheater and he still has all this power over you all you had to do is show up to a party and you lost all control and he kind of devalued your character and morals and like that scene you'll be fine you made a mistake like i'm not trying to beat you up here like but like but like you know you have to hold yourself accountable like don't don't make the mistake of you know your your original acts is maybe a decent guy himself but what he's able to do is justify these little acts of shitty behavior and he's not getting called out

by it by himself or anyone else and that turns into some real toxic behavior that he pours on and dumps on you. And that's what you're starting to do by kind of justifying these little things, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, and I decided to end things first with my recent ex. Before you made out? No, no, no. After I made out with him. Okay, well, that's good.

That's the start i was like i know like i had the history of getting cheated on and even if we haven't made it really official again of calling it dating um i know no one deserved that no one deserves to get cheated on and i know how it feels to get cheated on. So I'm being accountable of what I did and what, like, like I'm technically in the process of moving on right now. So my question is, it's hard. It really is hard to start over again. But, and there will be days that I will be lonely, feeling lonely. How can you overcome those? Well, sometimes you don't get to just overcome it in that day.

Sometimes you have to be good at, you have to get better to learn behavior to get comfortable with being alone so that every time you feel loneliness or boredom, you don't get so lonely or so uncomfortable that you make choices that aren't healthy for you, right? Like you actually have to be okay with feeling a little lonely

and recognize that it's fine. I think you need to work on being alone. You know, like again, maybe it worked for some of your friends, but you were in a five year relationship. You know, I don't know the details of it. But clearly, you compromised the things that you said you wanted and how you wanted to be treated multiple times over and over. Part of that I'm assuming was based off of the comfort of just having someone the comfort of having a boyfriend. And you clearly like having a boyfriend. Like you clearly like having someone, the comfort of having a boyfriend, and you clearly like having a boyfriend.

Like you clearly like having someone. And so this comfortable person from your past, this high school crush reached out and you're like, perfect. I'm already comfortable with you. So let's just like fast track this relationship so I can still have a boyfriend. Right? So again, I don't really care what your friends are doing or how successful or unsuccessful they are, but like you might not be in a position to date someone while working on the things that you need to work on because what you need to work on is being comfortable with being alone. Right. Yes. So if that's the thing you need to work on, then maybe you should you know date go on uncomfortable dates meet people you don't know that you've never met have some first dates that

are you know some awkward conversations you don't know how to like you know and it and it like maybe the first date ends and you're just like not my guy it's okay and then you meet some new people and you truly also get over the ex which it would be natural for it to take some time and have some relapses and et cetera, et cetera. But like, yeah, you tried to like get over your ex by just saying that you were, you know, and it was inevitable that this ex still has a lot of power and control over you.

And so that's the problem sometimes of dismissing the work that you need to have on yourself. And it sounds like not too much damage was done. But if you don't work on yourself, right, like then you become susceptible to demonstrating toxic behavior, and then pushing that on to someone else like you did, right? Like you ended up ended up like if you had to find the relationship etc etc you could have really hurt this person and he'll be fine right but you know i'm saying that's not who you want to be that's not and you not processing it led to this kind of lack and judgment on your part so as far as you like you just have to like embrace it. You have to be okay with being uncomfortable and feeling lonely.

And instead of like going on the dating apps or reaching out back to old flames or hitting up your old ex, you just go out with your girlfriends. And if they have dates going on, you're just like, you know what? Tonight, I'm gonna feel a little bit lonely. I'm gonna watch some movie and it'll be fine.

I'll wake up tomorrow and tonight I felt lonely. Last night I felt lonely. It's okay. It doesn't mean you're alone. You're allowed to feel lonely from time to time. That does not mean you are alone. What about, okay, this is what I'm scared of though. What about, because my recent ex,

I have seen him as to be part of my future already, like have kids with him. And that's like the most thing that i found from him um compared to my five-year ex because like even if even if we were five years i've never seen a future with him compared to my recent one um since i let him go because i cheated um or i made an anime and i made a mistake um it's just I'm scared that what if he already found somebody else? He's not your guy. Neither of these guys are your guy. You need to move on.

You need to, like, press the reset button. You're still very young. You're caught up in this, like, very isolated world, and you have these limited, like, you've limited your life and your choices to a very small circle. Like this is not your guy. Nothing about either of these guys suggests that it should be your guy.

Just because he looks like he might be a good father someday. I'm sure he's a great guy. I'm sure he will be someone's great person. But like clearly he wasn't yours and that's okay. And they can be great people without being your guy. And you have to be comfortable and not be so selfish that you can allow him to move on and find happiness because clearly he wasn't good enough for you to not even make out with your toxic ex. And I think

you need to hold yourself accountable for that. Stop romanticizing about the things you like about him. They weren't enough for you to stop doing something shitty in the moment and if you can't stop doing that then like he's not that great for you so any and and you worrying about if he finds someone else is not has nothing to do with him it's just your own fears of feeling and worrying about being alone someday and you just need to get over that like and again feeling alone from time to time isn't the same as being alone or feeling lonely isn't the same as being alone.

And how old are you again, 25? Yeah, like you're super young. Like you could literally spend an entire year focused on yourself, casually date with no expectations of settling down, just chill out and then really kind of like be more open to like settling down and still only out, and then really kind of like be more open to like settling down and still only be 26 with plenty of time. And that might be a much healthier and

faster approach than going back and just hanging out with the same people just because you're quote unquote comfortable and leading to you doing like toxic things because you haven't fully processed your emotions. So you need to be comfortable with feeling lonely sometimes and you need to be comfortable with feeling bored sometimes without reacting every time you have those urges and feelings. Yeah, you're right. And don't be so selfish that just because you meet someone

who's nice and a good guy, you know, what are they stopping you from do? Like, what is this person willing what are you willing to give up for this person you weren't willing to give up shit for this person you just thought maybe he's a nice guy so if you're not willing to give up shit for him he's not your guy because like it's not about this you know he's the one it's like what are you willing to give up you know and until you're willing to really give up some real basic, simple freedoms, then they're not your guy. What if, okay, so clearly I admitted my mistakes and I have been stalking him for the past week.

You're delightfully honest. I'll give you that. It made me, like, it hurts me seeing, talking shit about me on social media. Who's talking shit about you? My recent ex. Yeah. I mean, he has a right to be mad. He's going about it in an immature way.

But I think you just got to take one on the chin, so to speak, and don't indulge it. Let him get it out of his system. You could say, hey, listen, I know I was wrong. I'd rather you not do this. But that's all you can say. I wouldn't do more than that yeah um I have been sorry about it though I've been yeah sure and another example of why he might be a great guy but that's him that shitty behavior on his his part like why does he need to

like yeah you hurt him for sure but like he needs to like blast you on social media. Like what is that? That's petty and immature. So like why would you be worried about him finding someone else? That doesn't make sense. You're not really, I mean, you romanticize too much. You're not looking at the actual dirty details and then you compromise the things that you want too much because you're always romanticized

about the big picture too much. You need to focus on the day in, the day out things, what you say, what they say, their actions, their choices. And the big picture will work itself out when you figure out your shit on the day to day. So yeah, if he's going out and blasting on social media, you can politely, calmly ask him to stop, but he probably,

he probably will react in a very kind of reactionary way and try and, and try to get you into a fight. And you should, you can just say, listen, I, again, I'm all I can do is ask and I am sorry.

And you don't apologize trying to get anything out of it other than him stopping doing that. You have to, you have to allow him to move on. It's a, it's good that he thinks you're the bad guy right now in his in his story you are the bad guy and rightfully so he just maybe could go about it in a slightly better way but don't you know don't get sucked up into his drama because i think you like drama more than you admit better care less about it and focus about myself now.

Yeah. That's what you should do. Yeah, for sure. 100%. And it would be smart to block both these guys again or mute them at least. You need a fresh start. You need to help.

You have a hard time. Your self-control isn't as good as you think it is or want it to be. So help yourself. And that's okay. You're human. So help yourself. And that's okay. Like, you're human. We, like, you know, so do those things to avoid getting caught up in these situations

until you've been able to, like, figure yourself out. Because right now you're just in a very vulnerable state because you haven't allowed yourself to heal and you're getting caught up in some of this all kind of all these toxic things that, quite frankly, you know, you're the only constant in all these this all kind of all these toxic things that quite frankly, you know, you're the only constant in all these stories. You're right. All right. Yeah. I guess.

Well, that helped me. That helped me big. Biggest takeaway is just be okay with feeling lonely from time to time and stop telling yourself you're alone just because you feel lonely. Okay. Well, yeah, that's really good help. Okay. You're going to be great.

Thank you. All right. Best of luck. Yeah. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening guys. Can't thank you enough.

Don't forget to subscribe, rate us five stars, send your questions to ask Nick at cast media.com cast with a K. We will see you back tomorrow. Have a great day.