The Viall Files - E298 Ask Nick - I Cheated, Now What

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we start with someone who has made a self-proclaimed mess of things by cheating on her boyfriend with someone in her friend group. Next, we speak with a woman who is out of a situationship but in wanting closure from her ex she, is realizing that what she really needs is to get her anger out and stop replaying things in her head. Our next caller is wondering how, after hooking up with someone for so long, not to get feelings or want to date the person you are being intimate with. Is she just wasting her time? Last, we speak with two women- one is a friend that wrote in for the other and is here to hold her accountable as she is currently dating three different people in their friend group.  “Him making you feel less than, is not an accurate reflection of your self worth and who you are.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! Don't forget to nominate The Viall Files for a People's Choice Podcast Award: https://www.podcastawards.com/ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Chime: http://www.chime.com/VIALL  to join the millions on Chime. Signup takes two minutes, and doesn’t affect your credit score! Grove: http://www.grove.co/VIALL you will get to choose a FREE gift with your first order of $30 or more. Headspace: http://www.headspace.com/VIALL for a FREE ONE-MONTH TRIAL with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files our 298th episode we are closing in on 300 which by the way is wednesday we are gonna have the hilarious wonderful missy pile to help us break down uh the show sex life on netflix uh and also we're just going to be talking about sex love relationships and marriage divorce infidelity all that fun stuff and getting missy's uh hysterical take on all aspects of that stuff if you haven't watched sex slash life on Netflix, well, this is not an ad for it about any stretch,

but it's certainly entertaining. Um, it's silly and outrageous. Bit of a porno. Like, it's like, I don't know, but watch it.

And, uh, you know, you'll be like, I'm pretty sure our audience is into this kind of shit. All I'm saying is. Yeah, I'm sure you're right. I don't feel like I'm asking you guys to watch something

that you haven't watched already. But if you haven't, check it out. Ladies, what's going on? What's new? Not much. Just hanging out. Great. Super entertaining stuff.

I've been doing stand-up open mics. Oh, you have? Yes. How's that going? Going well so far. I've been mostly going to an all-female one, which is awesome because I feel like at all open mics

that aren't exclusively female, there's always some dude talking about his dick. So it's been nice not having that. Most male stand-ups talk about their dick? Most amateur male stand-ups talk about their dick so it's been nice not having that most male stand-ups talk about their dick most uh amateur male stand-ups talk about their dick gotcha because it's too small or like is that like a self-deprecating thing they lead with or it's usually just like it's like honestly shocking to me like the number of men who at an open mic will say things like they'll just make like really sexual jokes or like sometimes they'll joke about stuff like really unfunny like sexual assault and stuff like that it's just

it's shocking the type of shit people think is acceptable to say oh weird how's the uh the matchmaker business going oh my god it's good it's good it's definitely like i think it's hard because i find that in the screenings when i'm screening potential candidates i think i can be pretty high energy and so people will respond to that but then on the dates the feedback will be that they were a little bit more low energy so i'm like i might need to go into these screenings a little more like stonewalled see how see how they behave you know i i'm like i'm might need to go into these screenings a little more like stonewalled. See how they behave, you know? I'm like, I'm wondering if maybe I'm giving them too much in the screenings.

But you haven't had any, no one's gotten married yet by your matching? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. What about you, Allie? I took myself on a couple like dates this past weekend. You did?

What do you mean? Like by yourself? Yeah. Great, love that. On Saturday, Kiki and i went on a little hike kiki's your dog yep and then i bought myself a overpriced coffee that i told myself i deserved and then on sunday i took myself to the beach that's excellent yeah i i love uh individual dates i i think uh especially guys if you can uh feel lonely just go to a nice restaurant sit up at

the bar order yourself a drink have a meal of food dress up look nice like look like you're not lonely just or creepy no just enjoy yeah and just be don't linger don't linger but if you look like you are having a good time people will come up to you and ask you why you're by yourself and then don't get defensive be like i don't know just be like i don't know just from here to i'm just hungry are you allowed to like be on your phone when you're out there you're just supposed to stare around at other people on your phone and if the bartender asks you a question get in a conversation yeah i always get nervous and bring my computer like i'm like i'm doing work or

something yeah i don't i wouldn't do that uh well you i mean listen if you have a work to do you want to go out do that but if like i think it's a great way to and just it i used when i lived in chicago i used to do that all the time especially when i moved there i didn't know anyone do you think that i would get asked out on a date if i sat at a bar editing your tiktoks and waited for someone to approach me yeah probably i mean i also think this is probably advice i'd probably give more to men than women just because where am i supposed to say well i mean women can do it but you're gonna get harassed yeah i never went out by myself until i moved here that's the first time i ever started going out by myself it's trying to like? I don't mind it, but I tend to bring something

to do with me just in case. I mean, women get approached by men all the time and sometimes women don't, you know, it can get a little overwhelming. But I do think for guys, it's a great way to you know, people will come up to you. So whether you're a man

or a woman, if you want to be approached by people go have a dinner at a nice restaurant a decent restaurant sit at the bar and look look like you're enjoying yourself and actually enjoy yourself and you know having a dessert do the whole thing get a cup of coffee afterwards you drink have yeah. Okay. And then when you're- Thinking about yourself doesn't say like desperate. No, that is the trick. Guzzle six martinis at the bar alone. Don't project your, you know, it's interesting.

When I first moved to Chicago years ago, I, you know, I get you, it's in, when you give yourself permission, when you don't judge yourself, you become a lot more open to new experiences right and because you're not like for example when i moved to chicago i didn't know anyone so like well having dinner by myself or walking into a bar after work alone and grabbing a drink i was like i have a story to tell if anyone asks and that is i just moved here i don't know anyone. So I figured I'd go out.

Now, that was a true story, but like it had more to do with the fact that I gave myself permission for this, right? So that when people did ask me, I didn't get weird and I didn't get defensive and I didn't get standoffish. I was just like, oh, no, I'm just like, I wanted to have a nice dinner tonight and just kind of felt like going out. And honestly, I just didn't want to make a big production of it. So of felt like going out and honestly i just didn't want to make a big production of it so i just wanted a good meal of food and i guarantee you

every person who asked would be like oh my god i wish i could do that how cool then you'll just be the independent self-confident person everyone else wishes they could be and they will like like you for that don't be the neurotic defensive person. Be like, why are you asking? It's not a big deal. The whole trick is that you aren't feeling the need to explain yourself. You're like, this is normal. I do this. I'm having a good time. Whether you're a man or a woman,

people will come up to you and when they do, explain why you're enjoying yourself. Anyway. Great job, Allie. Anyway. So great job, Allie. Thanks. Don't forget to send your questions at ask Nick at cast me.com.

Cast with a K. We'll be back tomorrow. Recapping. Is it the finale? What is it? What? No, no,

no. It's the week before the finale. It'd be hometowns. Oh, we got the best charrette and we have a lot coming up for you. So thanks for sticking with us. Tell your friends. Also, don't forget, again, to email these videos about like what you learned from our show.

Email them to asknickacastme.com. Also, if you just want to post them and tag us on TikTok or social media, but specifically just be like, you know, why you listen to us and what you learned. If you want to tag us, that'd be great. If you just want to email it in or just DM us at Vow Files on Instagram, that'd probably be the best way. Just DM it to us on Instagram, Vow Files on Instagram, right? That's probably the easiest one. Anyways, we'd love to hear it.

We'll probably end up sharing it on our social as well. Thank you so much. Let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hi nick i'm shannon 24 years old how can i help shannon um so i made kind of a mess of things uh the too long don't read version is that I was seeing a guy exclusively for four months and I cheated on him with a guy in my friend group. And kind of my questions are like in the immediate future, I don't really know what to do with the guy that I slept with in my friend group. And in the farther future, like, I don't know how to trust myself when I did something so reckless and impulsive.

And when I'm dating people in the future, kind of how they're going to want to trust me and introducing them to my friends, like, I don't know how that'll work knowing that I cheated on someone in the past with someone in my friend group. Sure. What do you mean by you don't know how to trust yourself? Um, I guess I like never thought I would ever cheat on someone because I always kind of like look down on

people who cheated. And I always said I was like a trustworthy person. And in the moment, in the situation I was in, it was kind of easy for me to like impulsively do whatever I wanted. Okay. And when you cheated, how how did you like what what were your actions did you tell them how did they find out did they find out um yes so I told the guy I was seeing I went and told him the next day and I broke things off with him um well best possible response so like I just think you need to be careful about saying things like oh i don't know how to trust myself because it's a really nice way of trying to let yourself off the hook because it sounds like well i wouldn't have cheated but i don't want to trust myself so for me yeah so like listen you are human you fucked up we're all capable of cheating i really you know i know some people are gonna be listening

like i would never cheat and i've never cheated but like i do think we are human and vulnerable and we have egos and insecurities etc etc and we all make choices that can get ourselves in these kind of vulnerable compromised situations and in that moment we can fuck up it's possible and now you've realized how possible that is. And I'm guessing you can like think about that night and the choices you made leading up to that night. It wasn't just the choice of cheating. It was probably several choices

and things that you said yes to while you had a boyfriend that you shouldn't have said yes to that led to you making it really hard to say no in that final moment. So, right? so like yeah you you know as someone who's sincerely sorry about cheating if i let's say we met a couple years from now and you're like you know you know you do the oh did you were dating on our first date and i'm like oh did you ever cheat on someone you're like yes i'd be bummed to hear that for

sure my next question would be how did they find out? And you'd say, I told them and broke up with them the next day. Yeah. That would personally for me, give me a lot of confidence and security. Because while you might technically be a cheater, you're not necessarily a liar. Right? Because there's nothing like what's worse than being cheated on is being lied to, to going behind your back, to knowing that someone might have like had sex with someone else and they would never have told you.

And you go around living this kind of delusion lie while other people might know the truth. And you're just thinking, I'm with someone who would never cheat on me. And in fact, they have. And that's a really kind of horrible feeling to think. have and that's a really kind of horrible feeling to think and you know when you do find out from someone else you're constantly burdened with this idea like i may have never known if if if this other person didn't tell on you so well listen yeah it sucks that you did that and you should feel guilty and you should feel bad about it like there's no sense in beating yourself up about it wouldn't it be great if there were a pocket-sized guide that helped you sleep focus act be better well there is and if you have 10 minutes headspace can change your life that's right with guided

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As soon as you did it, you realize you did something wrong. It doesn't excuse what you did. And that other, the person you cheated on has a right to be mad and hurt. They have the right to hate you. They have a right to feel a lot of anger towards you, et cetera, et cetera. You should hold yourself

accountable and be like that was fucked up and then you should think about those moments leading up to you cheating so that next time you're in a relationship you like say no to some shit you know and and next time you know when you find yourself wanting to say yes to things you should say no to make the call before you cheat you know i mean would it have been that hard in that night that you hooked up with your friend to be like this is going great but i have a boyfriend and what i do realize now is that i don't like my boyfriend enough to not want to fuck you so can we table this so that i can do the right thing and break up with the person i said i'm exclusive with yeah and now all of a sudden you're not a cheater yeah you know right yeah there there were like you're exactly right there are like a million wrong decisions that went up to that happening and And I shouldn't have even gone because I went home with a friend thinking I would be sleeping on his couch.

But like in the back of my mind, you wanted to see what he looked like naked, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't. My other problem is I don't really know what to do with a friend who I slept with. In what way do you like him who I slept with. In what way? Do you like him? I think I could. He's someone in our group I haven't even interacted with a lot because I was always very attracted to him. And he's older than me. He kind of intimidated me and made me nervous.

And he also, him and my best girlfriend in the group kissed back in the fall um but nothing really happened between them after that um but they always talked a lot and got along and I think a lot of us always thought like that he was into her and even that night we were all at karaoke together and he was like he him and her were talking a lot throughout the night then her boyfriend ended up showing up and they left together And then like I left with him as soon as we got out of the bar He was like let me get this up Let me like get this all the way now and he went to kiss me and I said I like dodged him and I was Like oh, no, I'm like exclusive with the guy I'm seeing so he knew you had a boyfriend

Yeah, he knew. I told him. But then we walked like four miles back to his house and we were like talking and like having a good time and goofing around. And like, obviously, I was like reciprocating, hitting on him. He like asked if he could hold my hand and I like let him hold hands with me. So question. Not that this in any way lets you off the hook but he knew you had a boyfriend and he was definitely trying to hook up with you and then you

were a willing participant yeah and that's like i don't think any of it excuses me like i was the one who's supposed to be protecting the trust of the guy I was with. Correct. It doesn't excuse it at all. But I'm just focused on the question you asked about this guy. And like, should you like date a guy who in no way gave a shit about the fact that you had a boyfriend? I know that's a no. That's a bad idea.

Well, we all we know how he feels about cheating. Yeah. Yeah. And he said he felt bad the next day, but I guess that doesn't really matter. It sounds messy. Just your quick story, it sounds like a lot of reasons not to pursue something

you don't even know if he's into you. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. I think it might have been fun for him in the moment. And after I dodged his kiss, I kind of made fun of him a little bit. But time out. You're still going back to thinking about his feelings.

His feelings don't matter because we've just decided not necessarily the best option for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. You're right about that. So should I tell? Like, I feel like since it happened once, if we all go out again in the future,

should I tell him ahead of time? Like, I know we hooked up, but it's not going to happen again. No. I mean, if you're going to decide not to date him and we agree that it's probably the right thing to do, then just give him a taste of his own medicine. And, you know, you guys hooked up without any expectations. So there were no expectations. So you don't owe him anything. You don't need to make you don't owe me an explanation.

If he wants to ask, you can answer. You can indulge his questions. But there's a good chance he's not going to ask. I don't think so. So why do you need to bring it up? So you should just act like nothing happened because he's probably going to. Yeah. And whatever you need to process is something you need to process for yourself.

Because we agree that, you know, even if he likes you, even if he's desperate, even if he's like, I'm in love with you, there's a good chance it's still probably not a guy, your guy, you know. And then as far as, well well how do i address this going forward people in the friend group like you said like he's kind of you know he happens to be in the group that you're in but you two aren't really that close of friends and yeah it's still like there's a lot you can learn from it i mean i don't know i wouldn't worry about it too much let it let worry about that problem in the future when the the future if it is a problem then. Because you might not be friends with this friend group when next time you are in a serious relationship,

he might not be part of the group, et cetera, et cetera. There's nothing you can do. And there's no point in worrying about a problem that doesn't exist yet. And what's more important is that you just recognize your mistake and you, yeah, I did. I regret it. I learned a lot that a lot of these things I should have said no to, I didn't. I'm not proud of it, but I did let them know the next day.

And I know I don't deserve a medal for that, but I am not a liar. I will own up to my mistakes. And if nothing else, I hope that is a good sign and listen i if i met someone who told a story like that i i could get if i liked everything else about her like i i would be able to get over that okay that's good to know yeah yeah don't don't walk around like oh no one's ever gonna date me because i cheated on someone once. Like, you have plenty of options. Yeah. So, yeah, listen, we're all human.

We are capable of making mistakes. It's possible. It's how we handle our mistakes and hold ourselves accountable that matter. And honestly, it seems like you're doing a pretty decent job. Well, thank you. I appreciate your help. It's been very helpful. All right.

Well, best of luck stop worrying about what he's feeling this new guy okay i will like don't ask your questions what do you think he means or does it like no no yeah none of that it doesn't matter okay not my guy is what you keep saying to yourself no okay all right okay all right take care thank you so much you too yeah bye-bye bye-bye well as you guys know we uh believe in taking care of yourself living well being well and that uh goes in all aspects of your life and it's always great when you find companies that make uh using high quality products uh that are safe and responsible.

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That's grove.co slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. I'm Emily, and I'm 27. How can I help, Emily? So I've recently gone through a breakup I guess you can call it that um what else would you consider calling it well we didn't make it clear or he didn't um so I am left so you're ending a situationship so to speak a very long situation ship that I

mean we did call each other boyfriend girlfriend so then what okay it's always funny I literally had a yesterday and my questions with Nick someone was like we're not sleeping with other people but he doesn't want to call me a boyfriend and girlfriend yeah it's amazing how the wide range of of uh of these situationships can be it's it's so so your situation was we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and then why why was it unclear that you were a fully committed relationship then i call call it a situation ship now, looking back and evaluating what went wrong, what went right, and improving myself.

But the fact that we basically got in an argument to establish our relationship is kind of... Not a great sign. Yeah, exactly. And then it's been about almost three months now since we talked last. And we've had a couple of conversations, but they've been really short and about certain things. Nothing about our relationship or the lack thereof. or the lack thereof. And so I went back, you know, thinking through all of our conversations, because I've brought up a couple times, like, things that I needed from him or needed us to

do in our relationship. And thinking back, he basically did tell me, he's like, I'm not emotionally or mentally able to deal with this right now and so thinking back to that point I'm like okay so you broke up with me that day but then yet we continue to talk and you know hang out every so often for a whole month until I got fucking sick of it so yeah so I'm assuming but he wasn't clear with you know saying like we're done he just kept leading me on and I guess using me, which, you know, lesson learned to not just stick with my guns and be done with it and just dragging it out longer and hurting myself more. Like my main question before I talked to him recently was, you know, should I talk to him about what's heavy on my heart? Because I have been doing a lot of deep thinking and working out things I did wrong in the relationship and what I can improve on.

Learning my attachment style and trying to figure out how to improve that. And my overall insecurities and self-love because I tend to throw that out the window a few months in. So who are you doing this for? Trying to talk to him. No, no, no. Working on yourself, learning about attachment styles. Oh, it's for me, because I'm tired. Then why are you even wondering why you should communicate this stuff with him?

True. Which is why I just want to throw it out the window. That's not something, after talking to him, that's not something that I want to do now because I see that it's pointless and that I'm better off working on myself more. And if he wanted to work things out with me, he would have stayed with me and talked to me more in depth

and like worked through my insecurities and gave me some security with that, you know, having that in our relationship, he would have given me more security in that, but he didn't. So I just need to work on myself because if I'm working on myself and then I, I won't have to look at somebody else for that, I guess, security, like for that validation, finding it myself first. Yeah, listen, I empathize with you. Clearly, you're going through a lot right now. I can even feel like you're hurt on the other side. You're angry at them. You feel very used.

And like, just get this shit out like it's okay just allow yourself to be angry you know like the only thing you just want to be careful of right now is to make excuses for him again while you're working on yourself like be angry at him that's great you know probably the first time you've really allowed yourself to just truly be like what the fuck recognize that some of this anger is about yourself you're angry at yourself for yeah putting yourself in this position allowing yourself to be used and feel used like you said like you didn't even you called each other boyfriend and girlfriend but it sounds like you never felt fully confident in where you stood

with him in this relationship ever that's that's actually very true and i you know i've thought about that too like you know that's why i've kind of called this like a situationship because i never fully knew where he was with me in the relationship so So, yeah. And that recognition, right? Knowing that you've never felt totally confident where you stood. There's a big part of that is on you. And I think you know that deep down because you're like, why did I stay in this thing? And I never know where I stood. And part of that is probably because you were too afraid to, again, ask the questions because you were afraid of the answers, things like that, right? And it became a whole mess, right? Yeah. So I think it's good that you are now allowing yourself to feel angry and

feel anger towards him. And just be aware that you are processing some anger towards yourself. Do not make the mistake of confusing that with things that you could or should have done differently that would ultimately save this relationship. and i've had those thoughts and then i you know i stopped like literally mid-thought i'm like no you don't do that like it's not just you or it's not you know it's not all you you know relationships are you know, relationships are, you know, equal parts. It's not just one person. How long were you with this guy for? Too long. But how long? So we dated for about six months before we had the argument to make it a relationship.

So next time, next time. Right. Don't do that. Right. If you have to argue with someone to date you well no shit but like i wasn't i didn't want to argue with it i was basically i know you don't want to but you did and that's what it led to well he i don't okay i will blame on him i felt like he started the argument because i that's that's not my point i'm just it doesn't matter who started it right i'm just saying that's what happened even if like you were you're just you

could have gone into this thing being like oh things are going great and i'm just gonna you know i listen to a podcast and it sounds like now's the right time to define a relationship so i'm just gonna go i'm just gonna go define it and of course he's gonna want to define it and i'm just gonna like i'm gonna do it and then out of just going to go define it. And of course he's going to want to define it. And I'm just going to like, I'm going to do it. And then out of nowhere, he does, you know, it starts, it creates a fight. Right. So it doesn't matter whose fault it was or what happened or what was said. The point is, is that like, instead of being like, oh my God, yeah, things are going great.

And we still have a lot to, we still have a lot to learn about each other. But like, I definitely want to focus on you and I don't want to date other people and let's no he fought with you so like that's your answer and then like you instead of like being like whoa I'm fighting over

getting someone to commit to this relationship that's my answer you know instead you were like nope well let's try this i i came in this with all the reasons why i think we should date so this is this is how i'm going to respond to you fighting right like when you obviously when you hear me say it out loud it sounds insane but in that moment it's true it made a lot of sense to you to to do that so right you just have to be mindful so like in that situation like i was and i've heard a couple times on other podcasts that i've listened to um you know i guess i should

have also taken the initiative to address what we were or what we are or what he wanted it to be but like i was waiting for him to make that move. And I made it very clear. I know. Don't. I know. I made it very clear that I was waiting is not doing anything. Yeah.

So I should have just walked away. I mean, if he doesn't like if you're dating a guy who doesn't want expectations on himself and likes the casualness of the relationship and a random hook ups saying that you're waiting for him is just uh being like great keep wait you know like i guess probably not you know that's not that's not doing anything i don't know why like i don't know why women are so guilty of like well i they well i told him I told him he needs to make the first move. And you guys act like you've really set some standards for yourself. Yeah.

You gave him permission to drag it out is what you did. Yeah. And I definitely realize that now. And I'm thankful for this situationship because it's taught me so much and it's also opened my eyes to so much um not that I really like what well just like how I just need to stand up for myself and you know I guess lead by example like if I well, well, I don't really know. Well, it's good to, yeah, that's okay. That's the first one you said is great. Yeah. But also I guess just working like through my emotions and also the one thing I'm really guilty about is holding onto stuff instead of bringing it up

and like addressing it. So I wait, you know, I hold onto things hoping that like he'll like somebody will say something and it's like no i just need to take initiative for my feelings and like bring them up instead of letting them harbor myself and overthink like i always freaking do so yeah i think you have some anger that you have to get out still i think that's totally okay i think you should focus on just venting for the next maybe couple weeks and vent to some friends or whatever. Maybe write him or write what you'd want to say to him without that whole like write a letter but don't send it kind of thing. If you can send it if you want, it won't do anything.

Right. And that was part of my question. You just need to get it out. You just have a lot of, you know, built up, built up frustrations. And again, that come from a combination of his choices and the things that you allowed to happen. Right. And that's, that's, I guess what I was most upset was more so at myself for allowing him to treat me that way. So, yeah, but don't beat yourself up. It happened.

It's not the end of the world. You didn't commit a capital crime. So it doesn't do you any good in being self-indulgent and be like, you're the worst person ever to yourself. Like, yeah, you made a mistake. And now you can learn from it. And so next time you start liking a guy

and you think he likes you back and then the moment you start feeling a little bit confused about what he likes or doesn't like about you. You know, I did this like TikTok the other day about like if a guy doesn't plan a date then he's not excited. And you know, everyone was like,

oh, totally. And you know, it's weird because I think sometimes even kind of misunderstand what I meant. I'm just simply saying he's not excited. And, you know, it's weird because I think sometimes even kind of misunderstand what I meant. I'm just simply saying he's not excited. And quite honestly, on a first date in this climate, you know, when people are meeting on dating apps and know very little about each other, there's a lot of reasons not to be excited about each other. You're just trying to get to know each other. I'm just letting you guys know when he might be excited.

At some point when you are dating someone you know all like people call and ask all the times like how do i know if a guy likes me how do i know if he's interested how do i know like what is it like who knows but like what you can't start at like that's there's so many like iterations of their interest level but it's pretty clear and easy to find out if someone is excited about you. And so focus more on their excitement level in you. And until you know, if they're excited, you should just be focused on like getting to know them like all this energy. Well,

if you, if you're wondering how they think about you, then you know, they're not excited about you. And if they're not excited about you, then you should be very careful about how much energy you're investing into them. And don't fall trapped to investing more energy because you recognize or feel their lack of excitement about you as a reason to do more in the relationship. In the relationship.

Like, no. It's a reason to take a step back and say, well, I don't know how he feels about me, but I know he's not excited, and therefore, am I okay with that? Do I really want to put more effort into this knowing he is not excited? Right. And I've also realized that too this last time

because I put way more. I didn't match his effort. I surpassed it by long shots. And it's like I should have just held back and, you know, matched it and then, you know, kind of just let it end when it should have, which is probably when we decided to get in a relationship. And there's a good bet even though you recognize they might not be excited that you still don't have enough information about them to be in a relationship. And there's a good bet, even though you recognize they might not be excited, that you still don't have enough information about them to be excited about them.

So that's another thing you have to measure. But sometimes we make the mistake of then feeling their lack of excitement as a way that we should then make them excited about us. We turn off the questions we should be asking, and we just focus on getting hope, hoping they get excited about us, you know? Yeah. So.

So another question I guess is, I don't remember if I've heard this in another podcast or not, but just because I didn't get, I guess the closure that I probably wanted from this situation ship and I know you know venting it out and getting it all out of my system will help with that closure and like remembering everything or like writing down all the the stuff that I didn't like that I wanted it to be a part of the relationship like what else like what else would you recommend with getting or letting go and getting closure well then like getting your anger out and frustrations out you're a lot closer than you realize because as you now know and you probably already knew this like a lot of this had to do with your own choices right you weren't even like if you call it a situationship what what

exactly do you want him to say that's going to make you feel better i mean honestly even a sincere apology is probably going to in some ways even make you angry you know why are you saying this now there's truly nothing he can say and do yeah to make you feel better i mean an apology might be helpful because like you's, it's always nice to hear a sincere apology, especially if someone hurts you and he, and he hurt you, but there's so many other things that you can focus on the things that you did and learn from the closure. Closure is just accepting that this situation should be, as you call it, wasn't the right fit for you. That's all you really need to get to foreclosure

is just accepting that reality. And I feel like we're already there. Yeah. And I think it's just me teetering, you know, going through and be like, oh, but this was so great. But honestly, you just got to get your anger out. Yeah, you just, yeah, yeah.

But literally if someone asked me, well, what did you like about him so much? I honestly always say it's just my what i expected us to be and that what i expected it you know what i played out in my head which i really have to get a hold of because it's just bullshit like i shouldn't be coming up with these ideas of what this person is when they haven't even shown me who they are yeah Your closure in this situation will come when you accept and realize that him making you feel less than

is not an accurate reflection of your self-worth and who you are. Yeah. And that's 100% on you realizing that. And there's, again, nothing he can say or do to help you get there. You have all the tools you need to come to that realization. realization yeah without anything from him yeah yeah and you just you know it's

allow yourself to have your good days and bad days when you have your bad days and you find your mind going down a rabbit hole and obsessing over him or thinking about like, and wanting his validation and wanting his apologies, you have to literally stop yourself. You know, people don't, they, they, we don't give ourselves enough credit to like have the mental toughness to say, stop. You can't help where your mind goes sometimes you know what i'm saying like you it's gonna it's gonna wander off but you do have the mental strength to say i'm doing it all right actively think of something else choose to stop thinking about it and you'll go back there you'll naturally go back there but you can stop yourself you can so you think about whatever you know the

game on tonight or whatever show or something about a friend or you know find other drama you just got to stop going down there and eventually you'll you know you'll find yourself doing that less and less but until then you have to recognize you're going to do it and then literally say stop it and i've been i've been doing that for a while now great and it worked i mean it it works and i know i still have to go through that process so i just get give yourself i get frustrated yeah i get frustrated with myself because it's like stop you're like wasting your time but i know i need to do it anyway so do you get therapy uh i haven't yet but i've been really thinking about it.

Yeah. And again, like this is not like, oh, I need therapy. Like it's literally the same as being like, I want to sign up for a gym class or I want to like. Right. It's just something to help, you know. You can start therapy. You can do it like a couple sessions,

get what you need out of it and stop it and pause button you can find that like like joining a gym could be like i just want to do this a couple times a week because it makes me feel like a little little detox from some of the shit right i so you know you could try that too um that might be helpful uh well and now that i'm on my works health insurance plan i'm like more gun ho about it because i don't have to necessarily pay out of pocket depending on it so worth a shot you know just try it out right yeah no i've i've heard good things about it and you know probably the last honestly probably once 2021 started because after the pandemic and stuff and work was super stressful and i just changed jobs,

which is nice because new job out of a toxic relationship. It's like a whole new me. There you go. Focus on this job. You know, that's the thing, you know, you're, you have a disability to obsess over things now obsess over things that are productive or that like, you know, are adding value to your life. So, right. And again, like therapy can help you as like an overthinker and things like that. Awesome. All right. Yeah. Yes. Thank you so much. All right. Well, best of luck. You're gonna be great. Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Erica. How can I help? Hi, so basically I've been hooking up with the same guy for the last three years, on and off. That's a long time.

Yeah, I know. He's been telling mutual friends that he thinks I'm so nice and I'm so pretty and all this stuff like that. thinks I'm so nice and I'm so pretty and all this stuff like that. When we hook up, we have a good time. We hang out after for a few hours, sit there, talk, talk about life, laugh. It's fun, but we've never really gone on a date or anything like that. And he has yet to ask or talk to me about anything like that. And I'm basically just wondering how it's possible to hook up with somebody for so long and not gain some sort of feeling or want to go out on a date or anything more like that how old is he and if i'm basically he's 31 and i feel like i'm basically wasting my time but at the same time it's not really like i'm waiting so i'm not well you're still wasting

your time you're still wasting your time. You're definitely wasting your time because you are waiting to some level. And then maybe you've gone on a couple other dates. But your energy and focus is on this guy. And even if you have been dating, everything you're doing is comparing him to this other guy and et cetera, et cetera. I mean, trying to figure out how is it possible that he can do that i don't know he's a guy i don't know you're giving him free sex without expectations so like he gets laid and he doesn't have to go to a thanksgiving that's not people he doesn't know

or you know like i'd rather go to my family's vacay thanksgiving than someone else and like meet someone's aunt and uncle and like yeah maybe you get lucky and their family is great but like sometimes that can be awkward especially the first couple times and then you're like oh you have to you know i'm not gonna be with you guys this you know i don't you know what i'm saying like right it's free sex you know and you seem super nice and chill about it and you are nice and pretty and he is absolutely benefiting from your niceness and prettiness to like and he's most certainly had sex with other people in the past three years um and when you know his roster gets dried up and things get a little slow you know have there been periods in

these three years where you have more sex and then it and then all of a sudden you have less sex or is it the sex been constant um it's been constant There's been a few times where I get, I get annoyed. So I just kind of like step away and I'll not respond or like be busy. Um, and not, or I'll get like, yeah, just annoyed and stop answering him. But then I always find myself going back. Yeah. So a bit, a better question of like trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing i'm curious as to why you're doing what you're doing i don't know i mean i guess it's hard for me to meet i mean i go all the time with my friends i i'm always out at bars and stuff like that um i try to meet people but it's just like I live in a small area with people that I know,

and everybody knows everybody. Everyone's hooked up with everybody. So I feel like I would almost rather recycle than try to find somebody new and hook up with someone new for a little period of time and then be ghosted or something like that. Okay, well, that's honest. Yeah, so you've chosen comfort over happiness. Yeah.

You know, that's not a sustainable way to make sure you're happy in the long run. Right. But it avoids, like, discomfort, you know, and feeling. It avoids things like loneliness and boredom. And that is nice at times. So, yeah, listen, it's pretty simple. Like if it's never going to change unless you change. Right. So and that would require you to be like, hey, you're welcome for the three years of free sex without expectation.

No longer available. We've raised our prices. And we've gotten rid of the lifetime warranty, guarantee, whatever you want to say. And if you like them and want to date them you as we've said before you say that i like you i want to date you i even have feelings for you um you don't ask if he has like he'll if he has feelings for you he'll let him know you don't be like do you have feelings for me like he'll let you know you don't have to ask it's a weird thing to have someone tell you they have feelings for you and not respond so just

tell them how you feel and short of him being like you're right let's be boyfriend and girlfriend i have the same feelings for you and then when you if he does say that then you're like great well i also have some more expectations of what that means to me stop being so chill stop being afraid of him leaving when he doesn't say that because he's most likely not going to uh because he's just assuming that you'll just be annoyed and get over it and he's going to try to it's a game of uh attrition right he's going to try to wear you out it's a game of chicken so to speak right at some point he will realize if you are able to follow through with this that you're not fucking around anymore.

Right. You don't reach out to him. You don't call him. And you call me and say, again, we raised our prices. Our value has gone out. It's available to, you know. I'm confident someone will pay these prices. You know.

Fine, you can't afford me. You're low budget. We're an upscale brand. And you're just chill as fuck and um maybe he will find the funds and be like you know i've been you know i can save it up and i'm i want this and and you make sure he really commits and really and and shows that he wants you know know and and give him one more shot maybe other than that you're gonna have to be okay with feeling lonely being uncomfortable uh getting on the dating apps driving the biggest city near you i don't know like you're you're you

have options i'm sure and just because you don't live in New York or Chicago or a big city, like, there are other people out there. And this is going nowhere fast. Absolutely. So, I mean, that's what you should do. And stop wondering and trying to figure out him. You should figure out yourself because you can't control him, but you can control you.

And you have completely given up all your power and decision-making skills and You've like resorted to like being annoyed Right and the arsenal of weapons you can use to invoke your power. That's like the equivalent of a BB gun Like it's kind of annoying for you to be annoyed at him for him you know it's like getting shot with a bb gun it's like yeah that's annoying stop so you kind of annoy him when you get annoyed and he just you know goes out and waits for you to like be less annoyed and comes back

right so i shouldn't ask him i should i just cut it off yep Yep. Like, should I not ask, not tell him? You cut it off. Just stop. You stop his calls. When he says, hey, what happened? You said, oh, sorry. Should have let you know. It's been three years, bro.

What do you think? I mean, come on. You're welcome. You're welcome for the free sex and no expectation. And again, then that's when you say i do like you and by all means if you want to commit to this and be my boyfriend i like you i'm down let's do it i'm i'm ready he probably will again just call your bluff and he's going to think it's a bluff because it's been a bluff so far and And then when he, you know, calls your bluff, you just leave.

And then if he comes begging back, then you can maybe give him one more shot. But I wouldn't give him one more shot. I mean, that's only, like, I have very low, I have very, like, you doing this is to get it out of your system, but he might, he might, you know, it's possible. But either way, you should, where's this going? Nowhere.

Yeah. Okay, thank you. You just got to be okay with some discomfort. Yeah, that's true. How comfortable has your comfort been? You know what I'm saying? Pretty comfortable. Has it though?

With him. But there haven't been days of being confused and annoyed and frustrated. Is that comfortable? There's been more days of that. Yeah, that's not comfortable. Than anything. No, it's not. So again, how comfortable has your comfort been

i guess not that comfortable there you go okay all right best of luck thank you so much all right you're gonna be great thanks bye-bye how's it going i'm good how are you good you? Good. What's your name? My name is Presley Johnson. I'm from Scottsboro, Alabama. And how old are you? I am 23. And who's your friend? My roommate and friend. Yeah, I got this, Presley. I'm the moral support.

I'm here to make sure she gives all the details. Okay. What's your name? I'm Jordan. Hi, Jordan. How old are you? I'm 23. yeah i'm here to make sure she gives all the details okay what's your name i'm jordan hi jordan how old are you i'm 23 all right and presley how can i help um well uh i don't know if jordan you know in the email went into detail of what is kind of going on but uh i have three men interested in me and or I am messing around with. I'm not messing around with all three, but I was sleeping with one. I have a crush on one and then the other one likes me. But the kicker is two of them are my neighbors.

Okay. And when I mean neighbors, like right beside me. And then the other one is right beside the other one. Okay. So explain to me why the guy who likes you matters. He doesn't really. I just don't really know how to let him know that I just kind of want to be friends other than just being like I want to be friends but then we're not going to be able to be friends

because he's already expressed how he feels about me do you need him to be friends? I mean I enjoy talking to him he's nice he is a friend before so that's all it kind of is it was just a friendship cordially yeah and if he's able

to get on board with the fact that you just want to be friends then you can be friends but you recognize that he might not be able to do that so that's a all right problem solved let it go all right awesome all right so now we're down to two all right yeah we're down to the two um and you're having sex with one uh what well yes recently in the last few weeks okay and you're uh crushing on another yeah are they friends oh uh i mean i guess what do you mean you get neighbors they're neighbors i mean they're neighbors i don't talk to my neighbors so they know each other i mean so that's a small town well this is the thing i we all used to kind of work together and then like i he one of them left and went to another workplace um so it was just the one that i have a crush on and me working together and have been and now let's go ahead let's focus on

the one you slept with is that the first time you hooked up with him no that wasn't the first time I hooked up with him but you don't like him like that I did think I yeah I did all right but he's turned into a convenient lay. Yeah, essentially. No, like I'm literally only just using him for sex. Like genuinely in my mind, that's how it is at this point. Well, great. And I think you got that answer. Yeah, I know. Like it is, but he.

Does he know that? I think he thinks. I mean, I've said that, but I think he thinks I'm just trying to be. Yeah, I know. Like how he comes about it when I say that, like, it's just sex. He's like, he thinks I'm just trying to be, yeah, I know like how he comes about it when I say that like it's just sex. He's like, he thinks I'm just trying to be tough. And I'm like, no, like genuinely that's how I feel. And I don't think he believes that.

And that's what gets me. What do you mean it gets you? Like I don't understand why he thinks like I would lie about that, you know? I don't know. Maybe, I don't know why he's not here for me to ask but the important part is is that you know you're not into him and you think he might be into you and even though you've tried to communicate this with him for whatever reason he's not hearing you so regardless of the fact that you're crushing on someone else

you should stop having sex with a guy you know likes you but you don't like him the fact that you do have a crush on someone else let alone that it's another neighbor of yours is all that more of a reason to stop having sex with someone since you are already interested in pursuing someone else yes basically let's go ahead to what works That's basically how it works. Yeah. I mean, I think for me, just like seeing it from the outsider's perspective, it's like I think she feels more vulnerable with the guy that she likes, and so she doesn't want to put herself out there to do those things with that guy because the other one is so convenient and there's no chance of getting hurt from that because she's in control of the situation with the other

guy yeah but there's definitely a chance you get hurt because you're in control now and for all you know this guy could stop liking you or making you feel liked more importantly he can hook up someone else and you have no idea how you're going to be affected by that your ego could take over and be like fuck this and then all of a sudden you can go down a rabbit hole either way well then i think you got to deal with these problems individually like i said so we dealt with the guy who likes you and it's like it's not even a problem like you're you talk about this as if like they come as a package you know like it's this one guy who likes you. You don't like great done. You don't like them. It's not your problem anymore.

There's another guy you're having sex with that you also don't like all that much. And if he was on the same page as you, when you communicated with him, okay, this is the hookup. Then yeah, maybe you could continue hooking up with someone out of convenience because you guys have made it clear on the same page. Now that could change at any moment, but he didn't. He's let you know. We don't know why, but you do know that you guys aren't on the same page. Like he's not hearing you and you don't have to figure out why he's not hearing you. You just need to know that he's not hearing you.

And the fact that he's not hearing you tells you you're not on the same page. And it's dangerous territory to keep having sex with someone who you're not on the same page with guy or girl eventually it's going to turn into a mess and then you have the third guy who you like for whatever reason you know and so if you like them you should go for it you know like and you might get disappointed now if you get disappointed it's not an excuse to go back to having sex with the guy that you don't like because it's convenient. Because, again, he likes you and you're not on the same page. You're not having sex with him because you like someone else. You're not having sex with him because you're not on the same page. And that's just a fucking mess.

And you've probably been on the receiving end of having sex with a guy who you like who doesn doesn't like you back, who keeps having sex with you because, you know, and that's shitty. We know like that. Yeah. So this is not one big problem. These are just three isolated situations, most of which seem pretty clear and easy to solve. Now, how do we get the guy you like to like you back? pretty clear and easy to solve now how do we get the guy you like to like you back and the fact that they're all neighbors is just an inconvenience this but don't like it is what it is it's potential

drama that was only will only be drama if you make a drama no yeah 100 yes but i feel presley has actually talked to the guy that she likes. They've had conversations about liking each other, but both of them have had very bad past relationships. And so they keep saying that they don't want to ruin what they have, and that confuses me. Well, I mean, I don't know about him, but no offense, Presley. You're making a lot of choices that I wouldn't want to start a relationship with you.

If you were making again, like, you know, having sex with someone. So like clean your house, so to speak, get your shit together. And then if you still like them,

like, listen, also like you like this guy, there's no, you don't have anything with this guy like this guy there's no you don't have anything with this guy you know just like you don't have anything with the first guy these aren't your pals your pals on the phone with you and if you have a platonic guy friend then great but once you start to realize that you want more with this platonic friend it ceases to be a platonic friend and there's plenty of guys who you can be pretend friends with right i mean yeah

so yeah like there's nothing to worry about ruining you know it might be yeah it might be something people say because they feel bad because they don't like you yeah i mean that's fine too but he likes her. He definitely likes her. And we'll be careful. The list is long of girlfriends who have been like, he likes you, girl, and he definitely didn't like you. No offense. I know.

I agree with that. No, I'm also friends with him. It's a long fucking line. I went to school with him. No, I mean, we've had a conversation like recently honestly within the past couple of days great for this i want you to be right so this is real simple you are very clear with the guy who likes you don't like sorry don't like you we can be friends up to you i'm fine either way the guy you're sleeping with hey sorry we're not

having sex so now you really know it was about sex over and then when that's all fixed then you go to this other guy be like hey so we like each other let's go on a date and if he likes you like you guys are so convinced that he does he will say yes and then you'll go on a date you guys are really making very simple things complicated. Yeah, 100%. That's his friend here in our life. Yeah, 100%. I agree with that. But I think it's more like me and the guy that I do like.

I feel like because of the situations with us working together, also being neighbors, and just everything that like our past we've been through comes into play and we enjoy each other's friendship we all have the same friends i don't want to mess that up because that messes up a friendship that i enjoy and i feel like it's the same for him too and like but because of our past What past are you speaking of? We're just scared. Our exes, I guess. What about your exes? Well, his ex is, I don't know all,

I don't even really know all about his ex or his situation. But like my ex, we actually lived together in this apartment. It was just like a really bad, toxic situation. And it wasn't good for me. He still lives with you? No, no, no. We lived here in this, no, no. We lived here in this apartment together, though. And so, like, he knows who he is or something?

No. God, no. Yeah, like, they all know. Like, they know who he is. And, I mean, it's not even about that, but just what he put me through. I mean, it's aware. Like, he's aware of what that was. It's reasonable to maybe – it's reasonable to say, I don't know if I really should go for this because he's my neighbor or my coworker, because if it doesn't work out, it'll be really awkward and inconvenient.

So that's valid. As far as this quote unquote friendship you're worried about ruining, there's not much of a friendship. Like, you know, like it'll, there'll always be some weird sexual tension if you don't go well they've talked about hooking up and i told her that if you are hanging out and then you start hooking up that is essentially a relationship whether you like say it or not like that's basically what it is well especially if it's something everybody it ceases to be a friendship which is my point it could be a lot of other things as we've learned through our callers but it definitely is not a platonic friendship you're already not platonic friends so you're you seem to be really good at getting

yourself in these like random situations and avoid like these like and i don't mean to be like random situations and avoid like these like and i don't mean to be hard on you but these are clear answers and you're just avoiding making choices in collecting these situations you know like you first call them like i have these three you don't have three guys like there's these three very different situations the first one's not even a situation it's just a guy who likes you there's probably 30 other guys who like you you You know, like how is that affecting your life? It's not. You know, like just because someone likes you doesn't mean you have a situation. So there's that.

You know, in fact, he's your neighbor. Yeah. And again, that's pretty clear that you're having sex with someone you don't even like who doesn't seem to understand that. And it's best to just cut that off, especially the fact that it's stopping you from pursuing things you do like. just cut that off especially the fact that you it's stopping you for pursuing things you do like and the worst case scenario it's not even a worst case that none of these guys are your guy you start dating people who don't live on your block and yeah maybe you realize maybe you're like yeah i like you but it is messy you do know my ex and honestly like you're hot and cute and sex might be fun with you but like you know most likely this is going to turn into like

a six months thing that's going to probably turn toxic and be awkward for years because we're neighbors so i'll just get back on the dating apps and find someone who lives at least down the street yeah i didn't really mean for that to happen that's fine if it did and i'm saying if you want to go for it because you guys you know i'm just saying like you guys are convinced you guys like each other so if you like each other, go for it. But if there's other, you know, you just have to pros and cons. You know, how much do you like each other? How much is it really worth it?

Like you said. So decide whether it is. It's not that complicated. Is this someone you like now? You know, but are you looking for something to do for the next six months? Are you like looking for someone? Either answer is fine. Like you're young.

Like you could literally be like, I don't know. I just want someone to like have casual sex with for six months. Well, it's not even that. Like it's not even casual sex. I don't need the sex. I mean, that's fine. What do you want for yourself? Like, what do you want for yourself in the next 12 months?

Like, there's no wrong answer. I just want to have fun. Okay. Honestly, just have fun. And there you go. So you just want to have fun. So the fact that you just want to have fun means that none of these guys are for you. Because as you've pointed out, they all come with some drama and drama.

Well, you might like drama. So that might be fun. So it depends on what fun means for you but if you want like if he's just your neighbor and you kind of like him and he kind of likes you but the fact that like there's so much other built-in mess before you even start that's not fun that's potential drama and since you're not looking for like a husband it doesn't really matter if you like him and he likes you you're just looking for a good time and you can probably find a good time with a few other people who don't live on your street and if you want to have a casual hookup that's great but make sure you two are on the same page

of which the second guy is not so if you just want to have fun totally cool reasonable in fact i would recommend it for you like you know so great so go do things that are fun and not filled with potential drama and confusion you know yeah you could literally have fun with so many people so go have fun with them yeah 100 you're definitely gonna sleep with the other guy at some point as my no i'm not no i'm not no i'm really not no i told no i'm not. I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I'm really not. No. I told, no, I'm not. I literally just told him. We hooked, okay, so we hooked up like about three weeks ago, maybe. But the thing is, I hadn't slept with him in a long time because he had been sleeping

with a bunch of other people that I felt was kind of like gross, you know, in a sense. And I mean, everybody has a past and whatnot whatnot and I'm not judging, but I just, it kind of freaked me out and I was like, I don't really want to do this anymore. And then, you know, a lonely night of drinking and it just, you know, happened to come up. We had, you know, messaged or whatever. And then that happened. And then I haven't spoke to him since. I mean, obviously I have because we're neighbors,

but I haven't really dealt with that since. So it's like just kind of when I needed it, I guess. I mean, I had feelings for him. I mean, not really feelings, but I was like, you know, maybe. And then drama came and I was like, I don't want to have to deal with that. So that's just where we're at on that. We don't want to have to deal with that so that's just where we're at on that we don't want to deal with the drama I think you should

eliminate all these guys as far as people you have fun with and treat them as neighbors I mean to be honest the guy you're sleeping with you don't like you should just cut him off and let him do his own thing you can easily not see him I literally have no idea what all my neighbors are doing

so i think you can manage um oh yeah and then the guy you like who you think might like you stop you know friend stop telling her she likes you she is going to not indulge in this fantasy because she wants to have fun. And this is going to most likely turn into drama because he's, it's got too many other things. And if you change your mind, great, but just know, just be honest with yourself about what you're trying to get out of it.

Not 100%. So like if he calls her and he asks to hang out, Oh, I'm sorry. The guy that, uh, that she likes and he asks to hang out. Oh, I'm sorry. The guy that she likes and he asks to hang out. She's going to go and then it's going to eventually like. Do you not have self control? Well, we're all friends. So we would all hang out typically regardless of them like starting to lie.

We hang out all together once a week at least. Okay. And like you said, you claim to be friendly with them like you've been not able to not have sex with them this long yeah and we work together so i see him every day there you go i mean life's full of choices and you just have to choose to not do it and you said, you just want to have fun. You're not like, I'm in love with him. You're just like, I like him. He's just like next on the menu. No offense.

He's like some guy you could easily not like in two months. And again, I'm only this based on what you said to me. You're in the, I just want to have fun stage of your life. Awesome. Go have fun, you know? And there's other guys in your community that you can have fun with that aren't your neighbors that you don't work with every day i know that aren't going to turn that was actually like awkward unfun

situations if it doesn't work out 100 this is some guy you're crushing on essentially yeah and most of our crushes don't turn into our husbands or wives. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. 100%. Sorry. But yeah, that's just kind of what it is. If one day you wake up and go, I want to marry him, or I think I might, then go for it. Then date him. I mean, I wouldn't say marry right now in my life because I don't want to get married young.

So that's just why I'm like, I don't. I mean mean dating somebody for a long time like that I guess could be an option but like just getting married young is not an ideal thing to me so that's why just having fun I guess it's just a thing I mean I just work and then stop dating your neighbors all righty all right 100% all right well best of luck I agree I think we I think we figured it out the hard truth Pesley 100% I needed to hear it

she's waiting to talk to you for so much clarity I'm glad I could help in the future I think you like drama a lot more than you really don't no yeah i really don't your actions say otherwise these are all dramatic situations of which there are clear answers to which you're smart enough to figure

out i know you're not a dummy no and i well i love that you called and asked me your question the reality is you could have figured this out on your own but you enjoyed the drama it was honestly it was literally we were just listening to your podcast but don't discount it

nevertheless if you didn't call me in you'd still be wondering these things the point is I think you enjoy the drama more than you'd like to admit oh god that's okay we all enjoy drama and stimulation but like you can figure these things out and don't get caught up because it is stopping you from having the fun that you say you want and then it's you know not really getting anywhere yeah It's kind of a bunch of messy situations. Yeah.

All right. Thank you. Best of luck. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Take care, ladies. Yeah. Thank you.

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