The Viall Files - E3 Violet Benson

Episode Date: January 16, 2019

The creator of the popular meme account Daddy Issues, Violet Benson, joins me to talk about being bullied, how daddy issues have affected our love life, and of course that awkward date from the latest episode of The Bachelor.  Then we answer some juicy questions from you, the fans. You’re going to like this one.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this is the new track for the podcast what do you think i like it do you like it yeah it's not too intense i thought like you know vial files it's kind of like x files yeah that's what i was thinking so it's supposed to be spooky not spooky but kind of like i don't know it just felt right what do you think you should have how about you people at home like let me know don't don't give me like two stars because you don't like the song but but also welcome for your welcome open to your feedback no i really liked really liked it. Great. Um, well anyways, uh, thanks for tuning in. This is episode three. Um, I just want to start off by saying, obviously for all the people listening, uh, thanks so much for tuning in. I really appreciate the support. Uh, I love

all your reviews. Your feedback's been great for the most part. No, it's been great. Um, so really thank you for taking the time. I know there's a lot of podcasts out there. There's a lot of options, um, you know, and, and be patient with us because, you know, this podcast obviously is we're going to grow with you and we're kind of going to figure things out together. The ultimate goal of this podcast is to, again, try to, you know, understand the world. I hope to learn a lot from it through the guest hosts that I have. Hopefully, me and my guest hosts can help answer your questions, share some of our stories and our life's successes and failures and insecurities and things that we're confident in.

And hopefully, we'll all just be a little bit more aware of each other and life will just be a little sweeter. With that said, I'm very excited about my guest co-host today, Violet Benson. Yes. Violet is a friend of a friend. And if you aren't aware of who Violet is, she's also the founder and creator of the very funny and very successful Instagram account, Daddy Issues. Underscore. Underscore. And once I started taking a looking at Daddy Issues, it's a really great account it's a meme account it's called daddy issues and i thought it might be a really interesting conversation uh to maybe talk about uh daddy issues a little bit i feel like and correct me if i'm wrong

violet daddy issues is um it's something especially in the dating world that we like to joke about i mean everyone knows i'm single um i'm always trying to figure out, is it a me problem? Probably. You know, whether it's, you know, things I'm doing in relationships or just selection process or just getting over my insecurities. And certainly there have been times with people I've been in relationships with or people I've dated where like, whether daddy issues come out or, you know, you joke about daddy issues like early on or i've been on dates where girls have talked about like well i mean i don't have daddy issues or and i'm like well i didn't even ask her um you know and i'm like i don't think also like stereotypes of daddy issues do it's it's not specific to women you know men can have daddy issues and they can have

i think the the opposite is the guys have mommy issues or like, you know, things like that. I mean, you can have both. I have female friends, I have mommy issues, I have friends, I have daddy issues, I have guy friends who are straight and have daddy issues, I have gay guy friends who are, who have daddy issues or they have mommy issues. We all have issues. We all have issues. I mean, if we didn't, therapists would be out of jobs. Right. And we might not even have a podcast, not that we're therapists, but we wouldn't be able to talk about all our issues. Do you think you have daddy issues, Violet? Well, I think I definitely have.

I think I have daddy issues, but I'm working through them. And I feel like I've been working on getting through them. My father and I didn't grow up with a good relationship, in a sense. I didn't grow up with him around. He worked a lot. But then, look look we're russian so we didn't hug or say i love you until i was like 23 24 which is fine but like you know not not probably your uh but favorite choice but but like the weirdest thing like having an account like daddy issues helped me through my issues and understanding myself

being more self-aware of myself and like i wrote about everything and my father and i literally my whole family now i feel like i got more in tune with my emotions and like we all hug we all kiss we all say i love you and we're so closer that's awesome and i really feel like daddy should somehow help me um change the way me and my family were with one another so do i still have daddy issues like probably but i'm working through them and i don't look at it it doesn't define me i mean that's i think that's kind of the goal of for all of us to if the issues that we do have is to um have to be like a reason we have our issues but not an excuse to continue i mean i just want to be loved and like i have abandonment issues and I just like need constant validation that the person still loves me every day. But like, is that daddy issues? Like, no, maybe. Maybe. So when you started the account, was it like, did you think

it was just kind of a funny, relatable name or were you really kind of tapping into your own kind of insecurities at the time or both? I literally did not know it can become a profession so when i did when i started daddy shoes it was a joke for me because i was like i have daddy issues like i'm sure so many other girls i know have daddy issues it's just funny or they have like a daddy daddy you know the case for their stuff so i just did daddy she's like literally put zero thought into it because i never thought it would become a thing. Why'd you, why'd you do it at the time? Um, so I used to be an accountant. Really?

Which I heard maybe you used to be an accountant. I was, I was. Yeah. But you did audit. So in accounting firms, audit, auditors are usually like cooler, as cool as you can be. I don't know about that, but I also just appreciate you for like doing your homework on me. That's, you know, I really, I really appreciate that. I researched it and I read all about it.

It was very, very thorough of you, Violet. So, so you just started it kind of, well, yeah. Why? I was in tax. I was an accountant and I moved into this group where I was doing a state and local tax consulting. I went from doing tax returns to that. And the women in my team just started to make my life completely miserable.

And I had to do, for some reason, they just kept focusing on my looks, which was so silly because when I was younger, it took me a second to grow into my looks. So I was bullied for not being cute or being very awkward looking. How old were you when that happened? Oh, my gosh. Well, it started when I was five. Okay, wow. For personal reasons, which started when I was five. Okay. Wow.

For personal reasons, which one day I'll talk about them, but like, I don't want to get, I don't want to get too deep, but it started when I was five and then like, it kept going. And plus I'm not, I'm foreign. I'm not from here. So like, forget my looks. Like not only did I get bullied when I live in a different country than when I moved to America when we were 14, that's like, not only am I being bullied now for being awkward looking, but also like I barely speak English. So it was a lot to take in. It's like, well, I'm just trying to give up a water

here. Yeah. God felt so sorry for me. He like gave me breasts and like literally moved to America. And I went from like A to B to C to D. And he was like, girl, you're so awkward and weird. Like, here's some tits. Like, good luck. And he sent me to America. Did that work out the way you thought God might have it intend? It would have if I wasn't so awkward with boys, which made it even worse. Like guys would try to talk to me and then I would just be like, I don't understand what? Like it was so bad. I don't understand what? Like, it was so bad.

Anyway, so moving on. In accounting, when I kind of became a little cuter, the women in my work, like, made my life completely miserable. They would start rumors about me. They would make comments like, oh, we know why she's working so slowly, like, alone with a partner. Like, we know why she got this project. And, like, it had nothing to do with that.

I have immigrant mentality. I wanted to work hard. I wanted to become a partner, which is the top accounting firm. Anyway, they made me so miserable that every morning in my car, I would cry before I would walk into work, but we're Russian. And my father was like, you know, you move to America, you get a nine to five. That is you miserable. But like, that's American dream. So I had to follow the American dream. Be miserable and work hard. Yeah. Like, you know, all my, my whole family, we all have, they all have second degrees. So it's very important for me to finish my accounting, my accounting exams to become

a CPA. So anyway, they made my life so miserable and I was crying all the time. So daddy issue, I didn't have any social media accounts. So when I created daddy issues was an escape from reality for me because I was like overly depressed. Like I didn't know what else to do. I had no friends. I never left my house. And all I did was work.

So I created Daddy Shoes. I just started posting some random memes that made me laugh. I felt so out of place. So when I would post these memes, I didn't think anyone could relate, but I just posted them for myself. And I made sure to keep it anonymous because I was so sick of anyone ever focusing on my looks whether I was ugly or cute like I was like shut up just focus on like my personality making you laugh because or making me laugh because and I can't explain like those women I'm not blaming them but I feel like they made my life so miserable that completely forgot who I was

and I felt so lost so when I made this Instagram account like I didn't know who I was and I felt so lost. So when I made this Instagram account, like I didn't even know who I was. So luckily with my obsessive personality and this being my hobby, I just started like doing all these tricks that get people to notice me, whether it was to go on my competitors, Instagram accounts, like fuck Jerry and the fat Jewish and gone who the people that follow them and like, like pictures of them and comment weird stuff. And I told myself like every night I would, before I go to bed, I have to like at least a hundred people's Instagrams in order for them to notice me. So it was like a project.

So it would be like between a hundred to 200 people every night, I would like pictures. Then I was like, okay, I want a famous person to follow me. Like I would be like, okay, Joe Jonas is famous. I want him to notice me. He likes meme accounts. Let me go to his friends who are his best friends

who don't have enough followers, like their pictures, comment weird stuff, hoping one day they'll tag Joe, which eventually that happened. That's great. And I just want to like put things in perspective for the listeners too. I mean, I know sometimes the word influencer can have a negative connotation, but you know, what Violet did is create a business for herself. And just, you know, listening to her talk about explaining

how she set these specific goals. And it's a weird goal to have in a sense, you wouldn't think about like, I want to have a Joe Jonas follow me or whatever, but to like, to set that goal and do that, like helped you build this account and grow to what it is today. And now you have this successful business that is, you know, quite cool. And, you know, this all kind of to the point to bring it back is you had these, correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like you had these insecurities, you were bullied, you had these issues and you turn these weaknesses into a strength. Yeah. And it's pretty amazing. Like I've always, I feel like I don't say this enough,

but I have said this to my followers before that when I started daddy issues, I was so insecure and lost. I didn't know who I was. And the more people kept tagging their friends and be like, oh, my God, that's so me. I was just like, oh, my God, I'm not alone. This is so crazy. And people literally formed me like they for me as I am as a person and help me find my confidence and like figure out who I was again. And it was the weirdest thing like that year. I literally who I was meant to be.

I finally became. And all that confidence and everything. And from that, after people literally created me, I moved on to helping other people with their self-esteem and confidence and understanding that they're not alone and all these insecurities. That's awesome. That's really cool. It's amazing, yeah. It's really been a great opportunity. I'm so thankful for it.

But speaking of daddy issues, would you say you have any? Daddy issues? Yeah. Probably. I don't, you know, I feel very fortunate to have the parents that I have. I mean, I had truly an amazing childhood. But I'm assuming I have some sort of like, uh, bad habits or issues stem from that. Like I try to, like, I don't know if you know, I come from a large family.

I have 10 siblings. Um, and I, like I have a bad habit. I don't like, I eat fast. I like to the point where I sometimes forget to breathe. Like I inhale my food, but I always, I always like, you know, sometimes it's a really bad habit where like, I'll have friends be like, dude, Nick, honestly. Do you eat fast because you were so used to your siblings may take away the food from you? Literally, like I remember growing up and, and having cereal, like my mom would buy like,

like cereal is a thing. And like, she would always buy like healthy cereal, but once in a while she'd buy like sugar cereal if it was like on sale or something. And literally you'd have to like, growing up up in my house have to set the alarm for like six o'clock and like eat it as fast as you can because if it you know it's a box of cereal there's what five or six bowls in there right there's like seven or eight of us like eating cereal so it was like literally a mad rush seven or eight of you well i have 10 siblings right well they weren't all born when i was a child or like when my mom would have like it was like you know we'd have our favorite meals that my mom would make and if it was like someone something we all liked it was

always a finite amount of food so we're just like it was an arms race to try to like eat and again we i never went to bed hungry i had an amazing childhood but just like the impatience of like making sure i got what i wanted um i had to like rush to to do that you guys should have had a show keeping up with the vials they pronounce it right by y'all but via via oh yeah it's a struggle eventually maybe by like the end of this the show like it'll be like people get that um but like i don't know in terms of like uh you mentioned like something you you talked about bullying. That was something. Have you ever been bullied? When I was in eighth grade. And I think about, I thought about it a lot in terms of how that has affected me to this day. When I was in the eighth grade, I had this girl who I used,

like, I mean, whatever you define girlfriend or boyfriend when you're in sixth, seventh, eighth grade. But this girl I dated, we weren't dating anymore. And then I was on this baseball team. And this guy who was my friend in the eighth grade, he was on my baseball team, we were friends. And then they started dating. And he found out that we dated. It was just like, whatever.

And again, dating meant like we called each other boyfriend or girlfriend. Did you kiss on the cheek? I never kissed this girlfriend and not even that was no we didn't even hold hands uh but she was my girlfriend and he found out that you know she was my girlfriend and this was like in the beginning of eighth grade and he just he started calling me gay um he was very He, and then all the other guys in our group started like, I went to school one day and all of a sudden everyone's like, Hey, I heard you're gay. Um, you know, started using the F word in terms of like, you know, just describing me. And at the time, again, keep in mind, this was like 1992, 93. And like, obviously we've, we've come a long way way we have a long way to go in terms

of acceptance of homosexuality but in 92 93 um it wasn't as like socially acceptable i came up grow up in a very conservative family i didn't even know what honestly gay meant at the time right at the time it so this happened this went on for like a whole pretty much the whole year so did you accept it well it was more like i was i was just didn't know like i literally again you know eighth grade this is when i was kind of coming into my sexuality like eighth grade was the year i kind of discovered how to have fun with myself so to speak and so like at the time masturbating masturbating she's talking about masturbating um and so like i literally i remember being in, like it would happen daily.

And there was a point where I was just like, I don't, am, am I, I don't, I don't know. You know, like I, I just, I didn't really know my sexuality enough to like, it, it, it happened so much. And I was told this so much that it made me wonder if I was the whole time I'm thinking, well, like when I, when I get aroused or I get excited, I'm thinking about girls. So like, I don't think I, I was truly like, but confused. Right.

And so it got to the point where I, like, I didn't want to go to, like, I didn't want to go to school. I did like, I hated it. Like I was really upset. I was just like, I, people are telling me I'm something I didn't think I was, but I truly didn't know. But it wasn't them like trying to accept you as it was no it was meant it was a meant to like to be mean and like again this is 1992 93 no it was like what what's your problem like you know i was and i you know and i was i felt like definitely an outsider um you know as you know and then so like it just well that was

eighth grade so high ninth grade was high school so i went to a different school and those guys went to the uh another high school um i ended up being like in high school i was kind of in the in crowd so to speak so that stopped and it just like right and as obviously as i got older as a young adult obviously i became more aware of my sexuality and more confident in my sexuality. And I just remember, like, you know, it's interesting. I feel like how I projected that insecurity or that bullying that happened. At first, I look back and I think to myself, being as a freshman in high school, part of the in crowd, I look back and I feel like because I now was in the in crowd, I was almost

projecting and trying. I never bullied. But what I didn't do is looking back is I felt like I did, I didn't do a good job. And I remember having this conscious thought of other kids who not necessarily were being bullied for being gay or whatever, just being bullied. I didn't feel like I was defending them the way I should. I kind of like let it happen. I was like, I wanted to be cool. And it was interesting because like in Bachelor World, the reality TV show that I was on, as you know. You know, it's fun.

It's very much high school in terms of the things that go on in the house when you're filming. And even outside with social media, there's always like someone, one or two people, characters who are the villains and things like that on social media. like that on social media. And you can tell with people who go on the show sometimes that like, you know, socially they are, they, they take pictures of people they think are going to be popular. They try to distance themselves with people who they think are going to be villains, who they don't like. And I remember like I was the villain of my season or like, you know, some other guys were, and I was just like, I'm just going to decide not to care. Right. And I think, you know, looking back at something I struggled with when I was younger, but I, you know, I ended up having, you know, in college back in, you know, this was the early two thousands gay friends. Right. And I remember just thinking like,

wanting to like be friends with anyone and like people who were thought to be outsiders. I always, that's what I think was kind of the Genesis of me trying to ask questions with people. I've always been very curious about people who were considered different or the minorities and learn more about them. Because I just remember feeling like such an outsider when I was younger. And I remember being disappointed in myself in high school that I didn't kind of help the people who were feeling the same way I did in the eighth grade do a better job. Yeah, but it's not your fault.

Like you didn't know any better. You were young. Sure. It's also a job. Yeah, but it's not your fault. You didn't know any better. You were young. Sure. It's also a different world back then than it is now. Totally. But again, to your point, it always became important to me to try to understand the things that happened to me when I was younger. And instead of making an excuse, not not necessarily a strength but learn from it like you know creating daddy issues in an account and turning it into a business

or not that like uh you know being being confident enough that like i've you know if if it turned out i i was like they would be fine you know it's a you know like i'm not but it's it's not a bad thing and to include the people who are and are, and like now that is more socially accepted and we have a long way to go, it's something that I look back and think that it helped me being an outsider when I was younger, but it was pretty shitty at the time.

Yeah, I feel you. I don't know. Okay, yeah, I get. If I have to think about things that my coworkers bullied me for, I mean, they would just do, aside from me, they start rumors about me one time. They like, there was one girl that put me in this room and she just started yelling. She's like, you think you can go to the partner and you can tell him stuff about us?

Like, no, this is like, you need to accept that this is like high school. You're a freshman. We're the seniors and we're supposed to bully you and you're supposed to fucking take it. Do you understand that? Yeah. And this girl was like shorter than me too. And I'm pretty tall. So I just had to like, no offense, like in a way, kind of look down at her as she's talking

and she's like screaming at me and moving her hands. And I was just like, is this, is this like really happening? Like how old is, like, how old are you? Is this real life? And she was yelling at me. And luckily another HR person walked by and heard it. And that's how she got in trouble. But like literally sometimes these sometimes they would get in trouble

because someone overheard them. And then I would get more in trouble with them because HR is involved. It was like so insane. This is like your early 20s, right? Or like one day, yes. Or like one day I put on headphones. I was a different office and I was working

and there was 20 of us in the office. And I was just listening to music as I'm working. I take off the headphones. I look around, the whole office is empty. And that, and I realized when someone was walking around, tapping someone, the shoulder saying stuff, they all went to lunch, except me. So the whole office at our like Valley office went to lunch in my team, except me. And I was like, I'm literally the youngest in my team. Like why will who do that? Like, that's so weird. It was just weird to me out. And, and people used to tell me when i became daddy shoes they were like were you gonna like tell them off and because because a lot of the girls followed me on daddy shoes they just didn't

know it was me sure and i was like i knew you guys would like me if you got to know me like yeah you find that like it's almost you feel this vindication but yet yeah i was like i don't get it why you hate me but you like my alter ego. Like, it's still me. Yeah, I felt that when I was the villain on Andy's season. I always felt like I would meet someone in person. They'd be like, oh, you're actually pretty cool. And I'd be like, thank you.

But like, oh, they would just like, I found myself like wanting to meet as many people in person to try to like validate that I, you know, I was, I was more likable than they might think I was by watching on TV. And like, you sense that and you realize like, well, I got to stop doing that and try to like, you know, you can't do that, but it's really interesting. It takes a while to have that self-awareness to do that. But people, people, my friends were like, are you going to tell them off? Like one day when I decided to leave the office to start to fully go do daddy's shoes, they were like, well, are you going to be like, F you, tell everyone? Are you going to come into the office and tell everyone?

And that honestly, at that point, I like my mindset changed completely. When I started daddy issues, that was like in my head, I was like, oh, that ever happens? I'll be like, F you guys, I'm daddy issues. You guys suck, blah, blah. Like, this is what you did to me. And then by the time I got to the daddy issues, my confidence level changed that i didn't feel the need to tell them off so when i left the office no one even knew why i was leaving yet it was me just saying uh you know you guys were right i need some time to work on myself who i am as a person you're all right there's

something wrong with me and i just need time for myself that's literally how what i said and then like a year later and my when i showed my face an article came out how i was bullied and that's literally how what i said and then like a year later and my when i showed my face an article came out how i was bullied and that's how i started daddy issues and i overheard how like half of my office it was split half my office was like fuck this girl and i mean i'm high five that's a great story and the other office with the other side was like good for her so that's awesome see it like let's you know i think it's important we gotta got to, let's not try to, and some are harder than others. You know, I know we can't always relate to the people who have their struggles. And some people have had certainly harder horror stories of bullying than Viola and I have had when we were younger.

Well, no, I have worse ones when I was younger, but I'm not going to get into it. Okay, we won't get into it. But I'm saying, like, you know. The point is, you can get revenge without being vindictive like i think the best revenge is to walk away from the person no no not even kill them with kindness the point is is just like forget about them like i think when you do better that's your that's how you get back at anyone whether it's your ex whether it's people that bully you like you doing better not caring that's yeah that's a great point focus on what you can control and do that and then it will all work itself out exactly um so back into just the

dating and daddy issues i'm curious because you know while we've discussed we all have our issues men and women but we do end up dating people who also have their issues do you have any like daddy issues or like for you when you're dating men uh issues that you're like is that a daddy issue your mommy issue that's come up or you're just like oh wow like red flags it just you're like oh i don't know maybe that's a problem you need to just like unpack before we can move further i think it's the weirdest thing but looking back now some of my old relationships i can see now mommy issues not issues, but like one of my ex-boyfriends, he always talked badly about his mom and looked down at her.

Never a good sign. And now I could look back and realize how he treated women in general, including myself. I didn't realize it, but I had daddy issues. I was so needing love and validation that I just stuck around hoping one day he'll love me, which he didn't. Anyway, so until I loved myself and then he came back and i was like no but that only took like six seven years no big deal thank you next next seven years later thanks next like hopefully what else what else he got then i had another ex that he had mommy

issues with his mom being overbearing loving like he when he would go out of town um to school she would tell me things like oh when he's not here like i open the closet and i smell all of his clothes because i i can smell his scent and i was just like what like oh my god why are you telling me this in the moment where you're like that's just weird like how what did you think in the moment like i need to get out or you still found it like a reason to like make it okay well I had bigger daddy issues back then so I wasn't I already slept with him so I wasn't gonna leave him I was like we had sex we're together forever so I was just like I'll just keep keep going it's fine I'll like I'm

just I'm not seeing this like I pretend it wasn't happening or like last year I dated a guy where his mom passed away when he was young and um and I think I don't even know how to get into it without stepping on anyone's toes who doesn't have a parent. But I started to learn because actually my ex-boyfriend's one of them who looked down on his mom. His father passed away when he was young. So I think sometimes when you don't have a good enough either parent in your life, that can also affect them. So that ex, I was kind of mean to women here both but like the one guy that I dated last year that his mom passed away when he was young I could see how he didn't like believe in marriage. It affected him in a way that I think he had serious abandonment issues that like oh what's the point

like I'm gonna leave him anyway since his mom even though she didn't have a choice she left him. It was very sad but when I dated that guy being more self aware now, and trying to research as much as I can about humans in general, I knew for myself, like, okay, this guy's a lot of issues, not just from that stemming from a lot of other things that I can't help him with, because, you know, his mom passing away, he got into drugs, then he went sober. And it's like, that was I couldn't save him him. That's a, that's a good point too. You always like, I get a lot of questions or you hear people talking about, well, you know, they had this happen to him or they had that. And that can be very unfortunate, but sometimes it might be out

of your control. You know, people ask me like, do you think people can change? Sure. It doesn't happen often, but it really has to come from within, from that person. Like you can't be the, the driving force to change them. And sometimes they may not be the right fit. And like, you know, if someone's treating you badly in a relationship and the reason might be they have these issues from their past, it's still not an excuse to do it. Exactly. And it's their issue and has nothing to do with the person they're dating that they're

trying to ruin. And thank God, like I let that person go. Like I saw so many red flags and I tried to help him which was my mistake because you should never try to help someone that isn't asking for your help and that's my it was my mistake but like when i stepped away i was like whoa that was so much negative energy there and i'm so thankful that it didn't work out between us but like looking back like my my father his father passed away when he was 18 and i get i mean actually he did give me daddy issues so he's not a good example my mother her mother

passed away when she was 13 from cancer and and then her her father left them for another woman because she didn't want she already had children so she didn't care for my sister and her siblings i mean for my mother and her siblings my mother is, for my mother and her siblings. My mother is literally the best woman I've ever met. And she's so kind. She's so sweet. She's so nurturing. She has such a good heart. And she could have had so many experiences in her life that could have hardened her heart. And she could have been a bad mother or whatever. And she's still married till this day. And she's literally the best mother I could ask for. So that's an example for me that I look at that your circumstances don't have to um determine

who you will be as a person you can still change if you want to if you want to yeah i totally agree i think that that's really great um that's really actually fantastic that's a great story i love my mom too i i have i once stated in terms of like from the upper end you can tell me if you think there were some mommy or daddy issues i don't know but i dated a girl for a while and like six months into the relationship she just started asking me to like sing her lullabies and talk like a baby she would talk like a baby but she like wanted me to like also do it back and like carry her into the bedroom and not like carry her i don't mean like carrier like you sweep her off her feet but like wrap her in a like a blanket and she would like talk like a baby to me and like wanted to watch kid movies can you give an example how she would be like oh man you did like

like a baby not like a not like it would be like oh just love me i just see me can you she wanted me to literally sing her a lullaby i did she do it before you guys would have sex or is it no it was like unrelated did she ever do it during sex no thank god and then I had another relationship this was a

condensed relationship but she told me this story and at the time it was like her acknowledging kind of like her childhood and awareness, but it was so like, I was like, oh, that's, that's great that she's kind of like telling this story, how it affected her. But I still couldn't, it's still, I'd still, it was bedded in my head of like, how is this playing a role now? Because like things kind of would come out that kind of when she told me the story, like, so the story was when she was a child and she was old

enough to go to school, I don't know how old she was, but story, like, so the story was when she was a child and she was old enough to go to school. I don't know how old she was, but she was like in elementary school. And every morning she would prefer a certain shape of waffle. I don't remember the shape. It was either square or circle. And one particular morning, her mom, her mom would pick her up, wrap in her blanket every morning and carry her to the breakfast table. And this is by the way, a different girl to like to get wrapped up. This is a different girl. Noticing a pattern. This is a pattern.

Again, my problems. And she described the story that her mom would make her these waffles. And so one morning her mom made her, let's say she preferred square and her mom made her the circler waffle. And she admitted that she like threw this fit and she just refused to eat it.

And then she told me how that day she went to school and halfway through like class, she got pulled out of school and the principal was like, Hey, your mom's on the phone, got on the phone. And she told me how her mom got on the phone. And I was like, Hey, um, I just want to apologize for making you the wrong kind of waffle. And I just was like, truly like, Oh my, that's how you, is that how you create a monster? Like what, wrong kind of waffle. And I just was like, truly like, Oh my,

that's how you, is that how you create a monster? Like what, what kind of like, was she a monster? No, of course. I mean like she,

like there were things that like kind of made sense of like expectations or kind of owning up to like things not being her fault or whatever, but she's a princess and she wants to continue to get treated like it was definitely, I was, there was definitely some like, will I ever be able to do enough kind of fears?

Question. I think everyone else is thinking this. Did it not work out because you gave her the wrong shape of a waffle? We didn't get that far, but we did not work out. But I was more- I think it was about the waffle. It was probably the waffle. Like, I, you know, I, like I tested her. I was like, you i was like you know screwed i'm just gonna give her the wrong one and see if she still

loves me and she was like no she threw a fit no um well listen i this is a great conversation thanks for being so open maybe we should we'll dive into the the bachelor a little bit um maybe we can figure out who's got some mommy and daddy issues on this season everyone um violet is a no pun intended bachelor virgin yes i am but she has some strong opinions and i can't let's let's just dive right into it yeah you you you you took my is it how does what's the american thing my cherry flower cherry i don't know blossom i don't know it's usually some sort of like plant you took my plant that plant all right i watched the episode and it was my first episode ever of the bachelor i've never seen it before what did you think i thought it was interesting um one i'm well i guess technically

like even in real life we're all in the bachelor we just don't know it because we are probably all dating guys that have like seven other girls that they're dating. So you're just like you're not getting famous for it, but you're still dating a bunch of a guy that's dating a bunch of other girls. So that sucks. So I felt like I was like, cool, like that's my life. I can totally relate. I just don't know about these girls. Great.

But do you prefer that? Would you like to know? Or do you think ignorance is bliss? I know or do you think ignorance is bliss i think in the beginning ignorance is bliss like i think i say i want to know but if i knew like i wouldn't like it i'm a competitive person so i don't think i'll be able to be on the show but watching the episode that uh when i watched it one thing that bothered me a about the guy being a virgin i can see how that's like a cool thing and all that but in my head i was like why would anyone want to end up with this guy like imagine sleeping with him he would just like you like like you wait so long to finally

you can mold the clay however you want it you wait no you want to end up with a guy that's already been around the blog did what he did he's it. And now he finally found his wife. Like, I don't want a guy that I'm going to help him experiment everything he needs to experiment. And now the minute he finally tasted like a drug, now he's like, okay, I'm ready for more. And then he's going to cheat on me or then leave me because he finally had sex.

Now he wants to have sex with a bunch of everyone of what he's missing out on. And he's going to like come in two seconds. And then you're just going to like lay there and be like oh it's over it's done cool i'm glad i helped you like lose your virginity cool man like can you get me a towel like something you know i'm just saying like i don't want to be his first can you give me a towel do you prefer that towel like with warm water or dry? Either one, whatever is available.

Do you have any favorites or front runners of the women? I definitely, to be honest, I was pretty fond of, what is the name of that 23-year-old that was like really fun and she kissed him? Oh, Demi. Demi is definitely going to be like one of the villains of the show. I can see how they're putting her. And I'm fond of her because I can tell she came on the show to date she came on the show to date and she's having fun and she's definitely going to be the center of attention and that's what she came on the show

for i don't think she came on the show to get married i like her personality and i like that she's fun and i like her as a person and but i and i like her because i can tell a lot of people are going to hate on her yes but that's what she wants anyway so i'm fond of her and i like that she got off the stage and she kissed the bachelor who i don't like as much is a 31 year old girl that's insanely dramatic and no offense like if i did if i was dating her and then i got to see an episode of how she was acting i would be like mortified that she. Sitting on the floor crying that she got interrupted. You are on The Bachelor. You're fully aware that the whole point is you're supposed to steal each other to steal the guy in order to get attention.

Like, why are you crying over? Like, I feel like she thought it was going to be like this fairy tale where she's going to come and everyone's going to be like, wow, you're meant to be with him. Girl, we support you. Everyone clear the room so she can have his time. Like, it's not going to happen. And to be honest, like. I got a question for you. She's going to get booted out.

Yeah, she won't last. Yeah, I got a question for you. I thought an interesting theme of the episode, Colton's younger, he's 26, right? So there's a lot of younger women and they have like these 27, 31. And like Cougars was like a theme of the episode. Did you find that offensive?

You're 30, like. I just turned 30. I mean, I was like a theme of the episode. Did you find that offensive? You're 30. I just turned 30. I mean, I was like 29 a month ago. If I made a 27 or 28 year old, I'm like totally for me, I think that's age appropriate. But I'm like, okay, she's definitely, I'm thinking she's young for me. She's super young. I understand I'm older, but like 27 is so young. Yeah. But like for someone that's only 26.

Yeah. But for someone in the early twenties, I get that. Yeah. You look when, when you think about someone in their thirties, you don't realize like how young it is. You're just like, oh my God. I totally get her point of view. I'm asking, did you find that offense when you were watching it?

Did it bother you being referred to as like a cougar? Do you think you're a cougar? No. Okay. I dated younger guys. Like one of the guys i did last year what which by the way i was 29 since i was 29 months ago um thanks he was one guy was 23 one guy was 24 one guy was 21 he finally turned 22 after he stopped talking

so like i like younger guys i like older guys i don't care So I didn't find it offensive But I don't get offended That easily Like who cares I like I like Demi She's fun I think she's good for the show She's fun

She's not that type of She's the type of girl No offense to her It seems like to me As a guy If I was a boy She would be the type of girl I want to have fun with

But not the one I would want to settle with Huh So I don't see him Choosing her at the end Like I don't see her Being one of the top two Do you think that's an age thing or do you think that's her personality i think it's both and i think like i was pretty savage when she was like the girl you're talking about i forgot her name

was the 30 she's 31 she was older uh i don't want to refer to her by her age but like the 31 year old um and she started crying the one who was being immature she was sitting down and demi is it demi or demi oh tracy tracy's tracy anyways jailbird walks up and and sits down and just like stares at her and goes it was so savage it was awesome and it's just like well i heard i upset you and she's like well you're great because you're such a good storyteller. Oh, my God. It was so funny because it was not genuine.

And like a lot of times. It was so savage. And to me, when she goes, like people will give her feedback or whatever. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she goes on the interview thing. She's like, I don't know. I don't care because I'm here. And like, I love that.

Like, great. I mean, it's like, listen, it wasn't't necessarily mature of her but like her ability to do that and it's got to be intimidating for a 23 year old and i don't know but like it was i don't think she's intimidated by tracy she's not intimidated by anyone she came on the show to to date she came on the show to compete she's doing what she needs to do she wants to be the girl that stands out and she is like that's why i like her because i can see what she's doing and i'm fond of her personality yeah i'm i totally agree with you she's one of my favorites i like the the pot stirrers in a sense that like because you haven't watched the show

but so much of the show historically that's not true i'm a big fan are you lying to me white lies white lies um it's like historically a lot of the fans will be right reasons and like this weird expectation of wait your turn like don't interrupt and every every it's every season it's funny how it never gets old the one person who's like listen i don't know i showed up and i like this person the first time i was on the show i mean i wasn't maybe as abrasive as her but that was me i was like i like her i'm gonna get her flowers i got her flowers and was like all the guys were just like how dare you and i'm like i don't know i like her man like and it was in this weird thing that you're supposed to be okay with sharing which is so bizarre in the real world but in that people watch it and be like

she's rude i also like thought it was funny what it was crazy this you know the the the what tracy is it tracy tracy was so offended that she that demi touched the rose yeah touch the road i saw that what it means what it means yeah she's like has such a big meaning it's like babe it's like the second episode like chill out you know the the woman i got engaged to her name was vanessa i don't know her name was is it engaged to her name was vanessa i don't know her name was is it not anymore her name is vanessa she's still with us on this earth that's a great i love the thing i've thank you okay thank you um never got a group date rose ever oh well not one so listen i'm not saying it doesn't matter but like you can still win i just think

it's just it's as long as you get a rose you're still moving on but like to and again it's it's tracy's first time in that environment she's clearly on how she's she takes everything so doing the me's doing what everyone else wants to do but it's too embarrassed to do and that's why tracy's getting upset because you're like like i would have loved to do that but i'm too scared to do it yeah that's why they're hating on her that's a great point to be honest if anything tracy should have laughed it off because after demi went and touched the rose she didn't end up getting it so then i would have been like damn that would have been that's so embarrassing girl you're so confident and you didn't get the rose instead of being like i just need to talk to you like

the fact that you touched the rose it was like so disrespectful like when my grandma died it wasn't as bad as when you touched that rose like what are you okay i was like oh my god chill out it's just like the meaning behind this rose it's like you're literally competing with 20 other girls how much meaning does this rose really have i can assure you not as much as she thinks it does um i actually feel bad. Like I don't want to be an asshole about Tracy because I do love all women. You make a good point though. But like in the, in relation to the real world, like, you know, we, whether it's men or women, like confidence can be intimidating. And I think we all aspire to be confident. And when we are confident,

it feels good. And when we feel insecure, we wish could be confident, but let's not hate on the, we are confident feels good and when we feel insecure we wish could be confident yeah but let's not hate on the just because you're not doing something that someone has the courage to do like that doesn't mean they're doing something wrong exactly um and like maybe you just be like hey how'd you man how did you do that do you not or like you're not fear rejection because like it's cool it's and if i was tracy i would actually try to learn study that that. Like, cause I think Demi is too extreme with her being overly confident. Cause obviously it can come from some insecurities. While Tracy is too extreme with being kinda like,

it's just true story of that Netflix show, You. Like that's her. Like she's- She's embracing who she is. Like Tracy needs to, like, you know, you can be coming from when i like a guy i'm pretty i love to not to chase the guy but i'm kind of like i call it like i'm the predator and i see what i like and i kind of go for it and like if someone else has a problem with that because i

think it's too confident like that's not my problem would you agree with the guess i guess would be that tracy might be the girl who like on her second date is like, all right, so what are we? Like trying to define the relationship. Always too fast. Even fun girls like Demi want to know what they are. Even on the second date, they just hide it better. I think everyone wants to know. I think everyone wants to know where they stand.

And I think that's a normal thing to know where they stand. Some girls are just better playing the game or pretending like they don't care. I don't mean like we all as people thing to know where they stand some girls are just better at playing the game or pretending like they don't care yeah I don't mean I don't mean like we all as people want to know where we stand but like just to do it like abrasively be like are we dating you know like there's a way to do it and there's a way not to do it she I don't think Tracy's understanding like what the game is about

and she expects to like this guy to look at her and feel like oh you're it like I love you and Tracy seems like she's battling her own little demons and i don't know if she has that issues or what issues she has but like to be able to sit down i mean obviously it's edited so i don't know what really happened in those few moments we didn't see but to be able to go to after sitting with him and then getting taking demi taking him away for a second to me sorry taking him away for a second her crying

about it like like, that feels like that came from some rooted, deeper issues because that doesn't make sense to me and I'm pretty dramatic, a lot of emotional, I understand I'm not dramatic, emotional. Like, so, like, that's even to me, it's like, whoa, that's a lot of what's happening there. So, I think she,

Tracy needs to stop focusing on everyone else and what they're doing wrong and figure out, like, what's going on with her. Totally agree. The only thing I thought I have on the show, I don't know what you thought. Colton's one-on-one date with, again, I apologize. Oh my God. It was so awkward.

What was her name? It was so awkward. It was Heather, right? I thought Colton, I just want to give some props to Colton. It's a really difficult position to be in. There's so many blondes. What's up with that? Very difficult position. Hannah. He went to Hannah. Wait, there's Hannah B? Hannah G? Yeah, Hannah G. It's a really difficult position to be in. There's so many blondes. What's up with that? Very difficult position to... Hannah.

He went on Hannah... Wait, there's Hannah B? Hannah G? Yeah, Hannah G. It was Hannah G. Oh my God. He went on a one-on-one with Hannah B. Hannah G got the first impression rose. Yeah, wait. He went one-on-one with Hannah B on a date. And you know the funniest part... He went on a... Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, the names are on the bottom.

You're right. Apologize. At the top. Top. Yes. He went on one of my names. I got to give Colton props. It's very difficult just in general to be the bachelor. And for someone it's so hard. And on these dates, it's all about conversation. You know, there's like, you know, in the real world, like, you know, people talk about awkward pauses and like, well, fine, we'll just make out or something. You can't just do that all the time. Right. And so it's about getting to know you have limited time. And she was so terribly awkward and uncomfortable. And I just got to give Colton a lot of props for like helping her make feel comfortable.

And she finally was able to talk a little bit. She's not, she's going to go home. I don't think she can get out of her own skin in that atmosphere, but he did a great job and it was nice to see him do that. It got better. And he really like, you know, I was just really impressed. I think he did a great job and it was nice to see him do that it got better and he really like you know i was just really impressed i think he did a great job there and it was i'm glad that she was able to like

save the date a little bit because it would have had and truthfully had she not he would have been kind of forced to send her home not on her birthday though you think he would of course listen i don't think he would have wanted to and And I don't think the, I think it would have made good TV. I don't think it would have. But like, let's assume it never got better. Like everyone would have been like, well. Yeah, that was so awkward to watch. Like even I was like uncomfortable. And then when she was like, oh, you have a lash, make a wish.

And I was like, is his wish like that this date ends? Like what was his wish? Right. I mean, but he did say it was, I don't know. I just want to give Colton props there. He gets a lot of criticism sometimes. He a great job of of helping her out and she seemed to get more comfortable in skin it was great to i mean i was i like to be shy you know yeah took her a second i i like her she's chill but she's also i think she's a pageant girl so i think a lot of

times when you're i don't know if she's done her whole life, but like pageant girls, like a lot of times they're so used to saying like what they need to. And you are like, you almost become a robot. One of my good friends is used to be a pageant girl. So it's like, you're almost a robots.

I think when you're in real situations, you kind of like, wait, what's my line? Like, what do I say? You're just like, yes,

I want to save the world. I found that surprising because when I was watching it being the pageant girl i thought you know she might be better under pressure or um well i think she's trying to be real and like she just sometimes maybe you'll still like forget who you are for a second if you like it's like if i'm not pageant um person like who am i and then she doesn't know what to say i think she was just being shy like i would give her another chance yeah and she you know she got when she got a rose she'll be i don't think she'll unfortunately get last i don't i think she's this world's gonna get the best of her and she's unraveling and did you notice i don't know if this happens all the time but like does the bachelor always make out with like everyone he's just like every second he was

making out with another girl and i was like damn like chill out here's here's it's is that what you did everyone has limited time and he looks like such a bad kisser the minute you see him kissing i would do a close-up and it's just like his tongue already going into a girl's mouth and i was like chill out bro it's a tough position to be the lead whether you're the bachelor or the bachelor and it's especially as a bachelor it's difficult because the women want to get to know you and they're trying to kiss you and we're not you're not gonna look like he kept coming to them to kiss them fine i mean you're trying the bachelor just most times just try not to hit dick and also be at the same time he's trying not to be a dink no but it's just like you know but you

have all like the the general premise is like, you have all these women that they set it up where you have all these women who have given up their time to be there. And that's true. And you are grateful that they're there and you want to give them the time and you want to be respectful.

And also you're trying to figure out who you like and don't like. And you every week have to send people home and break up with them. And imagine if Hannah B didn't like save the date by he would have been like i might have to send this girl home on her birthday but like you have to make this choice between uh either breaking up with her and being mean or wasting your time and everyone else's time by like giving there's a such a finite amount of time in that world right and then so like people are trying to kiss you and not everyone you kiss as a bachelor you really want to kiss someone like grabs me or wants

to kiss i don't like turn my head i'm like oh if you're watching you saw the bachelor like turn like you would think he's an asshole you would i didn't feel like any of the girls went for it with him except uh demi like everyone else he was sitting with them and then it's like yeah yeah and then he like gets closer to them and makes out with them maybe i could be reading it i didn't look at that closely i bet he's the type of kisser that just like moves his tongue in a circle around the other girl's tongue and that's like his kiss i mean he has a limited dating experience so i don't know i don't i don't i've never imagined how colton might kiss i don't i didn't look at that. And I think you would think that he would really like that other girl that's never been kissed before,

but I bet it's a turnoff for him because I bet he wants someone more experienced. I could tell. Well, someone has to know how to drive the car. I mean. Yeah, I could tell that he wasn't like, I think she thought he was going to be like, oh my God, you're my soulmate.

And instead he was like, oh yeah, that's nice. And then it was like, cool. Well, I'm glad he told me. I don't think it's about that. I do think it's about like, again, it's all about the conversations. And if you can connect with someone in a, that as a bachelor means more than most things in that world

because you are with this person. And if you can't talk talk it's not like you can be like oh well i mean hey i gotta get up early in the morning um you know like you can't have the friend call you and be like hey like an emergency happened you're on this date for better or worse and so like to not be able to communicate is awkward and uncomfortable and you're you're trying to make them feel it's difficult to do i also have a question and i think i've seen this before sometimes before if the bachelor was really interested in the conversation he was having with it's difficult to do. I also have a question. And I think I've seen this before. Sometimes before, if the bachelor was really interested in the conversation he was having with

the girl and another girl came up to him and she was like, can I steal him for a second? He was like, Hey, I'm not done. Like, I just want to like finish the, hasn't that happened before?

Sometimes rarely, but basically as the bachelor, again, you're not supposed to do that. You're making a TV show and you're letting the women be who they are oh okay got it right so especially early on you're kind of like letting things happen you're trying not to stop things from happening you let them happen and every season the bachelor does get criticized for not doing that there were certainly plenty of times where i wanted to be like yeah

no like but you're kind of like all right and that's why colton like episode one was like all right fourth time's a charm because he's like all right let's just see where this goes um i guarantee he didn't want to talk to her more than one time but like okay to which one there was a girl who interrupted five times the first episode it was like this whole thing it was pretty funny and it was fun to watch the picture of her yeah um but yeah like he he early on that's going to happen you'll see less of that as the season goes on but you're gonna let situations create themselves um catherine yeah yeah so like there is there definitely is that so he's in a difficult position because he's just gonna let things happen for a while he seems like a really nice guy he's a very nice guy um but i can see him like i can see him ending up with

like a small town girl or southern or something for sure like some of these there was a few girls that caught my eye that was like i wonder if they're gonna be one of the final people i like elise i think elise is cool i like she's got a really nice voice it's not gonna happen no it's not gonna happen she's cool though i really like her voice it was aaron along the show damn why they're all blonde this is kind of making me that's uh oh maybe hannah g yeah well she got the first impression rose i like h G. I feel like they have something there. For sure. Heather's chill, but I don't see it.

I feel like she's going to go a little bit, but not final two. Keep going. So I like that one. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. More. Is it? Okay, no.

I really like Nicole, by the way. She's cute. All right. Well, we're going to move into the Ask Nick portion of our episode. Violet, very good at dating advice. She gives some of her own to her own fans. So I think she's going to be a very valuable participant in this conversation. So let's get to it.

I agree. What's up, Kevin? How are you? I'm doing all right. It's Friday. All right. How can we help you um all right so I guess my question is you you talked about I guess in the last episode about

um you know hitting on women at the gym um and how that would be not a bad not a bad place to uh meet someone um but just given that there's a social construct of hitting on women at the gym is a faux pas, how do you go about that without coming off as that guy that hits on women at the gym? Totally. Just to clarify, because Violet didn't listen to the last episode, my overall opinion when it comes to meeting people is you can meet someone anywhere,

and if there's someone you're interested try to seek that moment right there are easier places to hit on people and more difficult places to hit on people like you know the obviously in a dating app the idea is everyone's there to meet someone you go to a bar there's a general kind of accepted idea that like if you run someone run into someone at a gym it's a little it's a lot different because it is someone's personal space but also you might run into someone and think oh my god this is the most incredible and how do you do that i mean the answer like i don't have a good answer right in terms of like ask them if they need help stretching you really think that's a good line are you being

sarcastic i was being sarcastic i, I went to a workout class. My friend was teaching it and it was a boxing one. And right next to me was a incredibly attractive woman. I didn't say anything. Because of that, that kind of... She's now married. My only advice is, like in those situations, I have tried to be aware of the situation I was in, in the sense that like, um, when, you know, if I've ever, like one time when I was younger, there's this bartender

I was really attracted to and I wanted to get her number. And the thought was, I'm like every guy, every night is probably asked, she's probably get hits on, hit on 30 times a night. So I'm just going to be one other annoying dude that instead of wants wants to get a beer, it's going to ask for a number. So I was just like, I tried to find the right moment when she seemed to have, you know, and try to make conversation and just say, Hey, listen, I apologize if I'm like the 30th guy to do this, but you seem, and I just tried to be as genuine as possible. And I just said, listen, you probably get this a lot. You probably even have a boyfriend, but on the on the off chance like you're remotely interested like maybe i can give you my number and like i put the ball in her court i think would be some advice too like okay what happened then we

went out it was great we had a fun time i don't know it was like 10 years ago i'm still i'm single to this day well i mean like that doesn't mean like what a success story i went out with her it was great give you hope he just wants to start shooting so like what do you what do you so okay let's vibe we're gonna the woman's perspective do you think every guy should just not ever make an attempt um i think it depends if it's at the gym where people are working out like i would try to hit on someone then before they're really getting to their workout like if someone's like in like in the middle of running and you're like hey what's up man and she's like dude get the fuck if someone's like in, like in the middle of running and then you're like, hey, what's up, man?

And she's like, dude, get the fuck out of my way. Like I'm in the middle of finishing a mile or like I hate if like I've done hot yoga, hot Pilates and I'm sweating. I look so ugly. We finally finished the class. I want to get out of there

because it smells so bad. And a guy came up to me and was like, hey, bubba. And I go, no. And I kept walking because I'm like, I'm about to die. Like get away from me. That's my personal issue. But I kept walking because I'm like, I'm about to die. Like, get away from me.

That's my personal issue. But I think at the gym in general, I think if you come off not creepy, plus you're like attractive. So I think that gives you some points to not be creepy. So don't ask them to stretch. I was kidding. That would be creepy. But I think you should approach women when they're in the beginning of their workout or at the end where they're just stretching. So, like, if you see some girl stretching, you just, like, stretch next to her. And then you're like, oh, what's that move? What is that? What do you call that?

Or, like, something like that. And that's where you start a conversation. Or just start something, asking something somehow about them. Because everyone loves talking about themselves. Sure. And, yeah. What would you think about – I'm honestly asking. I'm asking.

So, I don't know kevin um like what if it was like if you thought each other were checking each other out or maybe would you like find a way to like uh like pass a note or something like what would be the last no i don't know like how old are you is this class i'm just saying like he's just gonna pull out a note and a pencil from maybe you give it to like the front desk person and just like, hey, can you give it to that? I don't know. Honestly, that's so cute. Like if you did that, I think I would be like.

And the note said, I'm just spitballing here. Hey, listen, I didn't want to bother you while you're at the gym, but I would love to get you a drink. Here's my number balls in your court. That's actually so cute because people don't do that. So if you notice that this girl's checking you out though like it's not like she can always not reach out hold on if you notice eye contact to this girl but then yeah and all that then you go to the front desk you write something and you ask someone at the front desk and one of the trainers to go up to her and give her the note then i think that's

really cute but imagine it doesn't work and then you have to keep going to the gym and you keep seeing her and then you know you got rejected which is funny but that's life so what that's life i mean like only your ego is bruised at that point but that's actually a really cute thing i feel like most girls i know like even me and i'm pretty hard to like talk to sometimes i would say i would i would of adore if i if of course she might not be interested if i was like gazing into this guy a lot and then he gave the snow it's so original that would be like yeah it's a risk because like if she if she doesn't even notice you like maybe she doesn't even know you exist and it's just like oh so write your handle your instagram handle

so that she can look at your pictures do you think that's kind of douchey though yes that's very douchey i feel like like, would you do that? I would not do that. I would never do that. Violet is low-key suggesting I might be douchey. It's fine, we just met. Yeah, I would say something like, I would acknowledge that you're wanting to like,

hey, listen, didn't want to interrupt your gym time or wanted to respect your like, but I would regret it if I didn't ask you out. Yeah. Or something like that. What if though, it doesn i didn't ask you out yeah or something like that it doesn't work like what if you guys go out and then it doesn't work out and then you suddenly go to the gym and you see this other hot girl so then you do the same no thing and then that girl finds out and that's a risk but like listen there's one thing i know is there is an abundance

of gyms in this world oh you do it to three girls at the same time i've done that before when i wanted to hit on someone i was just like i just stopped talking three girls at the same time. Yeah, I'll have to switch it in. I've done that before when I wanted to hit on someone. I was just like, I just stopped talking to someone. I wanted my ego to feel better. So I went on this page where, like a basketball team

and I like started going through pictures and I was like, okay, who's single here? And I like, and I was like, okay, let me DM this guy. Let me like this guy's picture. Let me, and then one answered back, like right away. So then I was like, all right, let me unlike that picture Let me like this guy's picture. Let me, and then one answered back like right away. So then I was like, all right, let me unlike that picture and unlike that.

And then I talked to that one specific guy that answered. So like a lot of times on the internet, it's like really easy. Do you find that like a line or a move? Cause this is kind of like a move or a line. You can't, is it, does it take away the impact if you do it multiple times? I mean, cause like to this point, like let's say Kevin tries this and it doesn't work out. And like six months from now,

another girl he doesn't know much about other than the fact he's attracted to and he tries it again and it works. Is it somehow less romantic? No. No, because she doesn't have to know he's done that before. What if she says,

oh, that was really cute. Have you ever done that before? And he'll say no. It's called a white lie. It's a white lie you would you would okay what if you're starting what if kevin started the relationship off in a lie thank you what if kevin told the truth would you be if would you be yes you would be i would turn me off but i'd be like i'm not special wow so you would prefer like hey listen violet i i'm gonna be honest i'm an honest that's probably fine but if you're like listen i'm i'm listen i might like this might not this might kill the

the charm of what i did but i'm also just an honest to a fault and it'd be easy for me to lie but i'm just gonna be like yeah i've done that i've done it four other times over the course of a year like that would that would give me a red flag already so my head i'd be like the red flag is honesty. No, it's kind of like, I'm not special. You just trying to find girls. And like the one girl that said, yes, that's like, we're all trying to find people. Right.

And like dating is hard and shooters got to shoot. And like, you can't like, I don't understand. Like if, if, if Kevin goes on a date with a girl and they date three, two or three times and it doesn't work out. Sometimes white little lies are fine if it makes the person feel nice. It's not like, are you cheating on me? And he's like, no, babe, because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be honest with you.

Like that's a big lie. Okay. Follow up question to that. Let's say Kevin tells the white lie and dumb luck. He runs into some other girl who is like and small world we all realize it's a smaller world than it is you know than we think and this girl's like yeah he did that for me we went out a couple times then how would you feel then it's embarrassing for him but then he'll tell her the truth and be like no i'm talking about the fact that you just found out your

boyfriend that you've only been dating for a month lied to you i mean the person who you said got cheated on multiple like how what how's that how big is that to you i mean the person who you said got cheated on multiple like how what how's that how big is that red flag i mean i would kind of be like ew okay but then i would ask him and then most likely what he would say is i don't want to say anything because i don't want to hurt your feelings and honestly like so now i'd even like her the way i like you so now you've just established you're dating someone who's willing to tell a white lie because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so anytime he can potentially hurt your feelings you've just given him permission to lie honest from the beginning and if she ever asks you if she looks fat tell her the truth

because god forbid you uh you tell a white lie that's a totally different question no no you want a guy that's honest so if i ask you if i look fat in these pants let me know i look fat take a second to think about it look me up and down and then be like actually yeah you did gain a few pounds because I'll appreciate that honesty don't do that you got it don't lie I like you know I like a little meat in my bones you know whatever yeah tell her that don't say that definitely don't say that uh but if you're truly in love it would just be like I don't know. You look, just say you look beautiful. Well, you look beautiful. Well, however you look, you look great.

You know, I don't know. But that's a white lie. So you're, if you think there's a, I don't know, slippery slope, but I just. You're canceled. I just, fine. I just think if she got caught, I don't know. I feel like you might be contradicting yourself.

The beginning, everyone pretends to be someone they're not, except me. Can we get another voice? Rochelle, what do you think? I think we're all as women on like high fuck boy alert. So like as soon as you hear like a guy's using a line on, I'm always like anytime I get a line, I'm like, do you do that with everybody? Because if they do, I'm like, no, I can't take a chance.

But here, okay, like, but like, this is a guy, Kevin, who seems like a nice guy who like doesn't want to be a douchebag hitting, like he's asking us because like all the guys would be like, yeah, I'm just going to hit on girls at the gym. Like, so he wants to be genuine. He's pushed back on lying lying but it's still technically a line because like we've all agreed that like at face value hitting on people is not at the gym is not the best time to do it but depends if the girls aren't really working out but whatever but like if if there's if there's and we're all trying to figure out crowdsourcing how do we do it and

we've come up with this way that's kind of technically a line does that make kevin a fuck boy because like he's just trying to meet a girl violet's shaking your head yes yeah or what you can do is most likely everyone posts man like this is a winless battle here we're just trying oh it's super charming but if you did with anyone else fuck him he's a he's a total fuck boy everyone wants to feel special what do you mean you're silly okay can you make someone feel special by like their actions yes i've done it to 22 other girls but you're the one you're the only girl who responded so i was like all right she'll do and then we went out because that's what a girl wants to hear i've dm'd more than one girl in my life and said hey would you like to get a drink yeah but i'm pretty sure a girl

would never if you damn the girl i feel like she'll be smart enough to assume you've done that with a girl. Of course. I'm just saying like. And do you want to get a drink isn't like a line or a move. It's like, okay, that doesn't feel. Well, either really is passing a note saying, I didn't want to bug you while you were doing sit-ups, but like, I want to go out. That's in a way, it's like an old school sliding into a DM.

How is that any different? What if it never happens and she never even asks him if he's done it before? Fine. But that's a whole different conversation. I'm just curious. I think you should lie. It brought it up. It brought it up because I've heard this before in terms of like, oh, how many times have you used that line?

And I don't, are these lines, are they just like guys or men or women trying to think of creative ways to break the ice? Because we all get nervous and we all don't know how to hit on people and we get worried about rejection and we're just trying to like find out a way to go out with a cute girl you know i think fuck boys have ruined it for the rest of you i'm sorry i think good luck do the note though the notes really cute and if you can do the note then i would just go on like, as I'm assuming people tag, because social media everyone uses now, people tag that gym or hashtag it.

So if you just click on the hashtag or the tag, you'll most likely find that girl because she probably tagged that gym. And you can find her social media and then DM her. And then be like, I never do this ever. I never DM girls. But like, so you're the first one. Do you want to get a drink? Actually, I was at the Golden Globes

and I brought a friend, female friend. So like, but like she was my date, but we're friends. And there was this other, there was this girl who on the dance floor at the party where I was like, she is so attractive. And I was like, I'm shamelessly checking her out. I was like, I'm going to let this girl know that I am interested and like kind of see if,

and I could tell that she knew and she's like whispering in her friend's ear. Like this, this guy's checking me out. Well, I was with my friend. It was just like kind of, I was trying to find the right time to, to maybe say hi,

but I also like brought my date. Who's my friend. Have you slept with your friend before? No, she's just my friend. I mean, just saying like who's my friend have you slept with your friend before no she's just my friend I'm just saying like I didn't have a problem like there was a moment she went to the this girl I was checking out went to the bar to get a drink and I'm like all right I'm gonna go say hi and then she like left and I chickened out anyway so I didn't she it was so obvious she knew

like we both knew that we were checking each other well I knew that I was checking her out and I knew that she knew I was checking her out I felt like that she knew I was checking her out. I felt like maybe she liked it, but I couldn't tell. Maybe it was just the creepy guy being like, who is this? He keeps looking at me. Anyways, to your point, I went on the, I was just curious to see if I could find her. And so I went on the geotag Golden Globes and it took about three minutes. And there was a picture of her friend. I'm like, I think that's her friend.

I clicked on that. And two seconds later, I'm like, there's the girl i was checking out and i dm'd her and i was like and my note was guy checking out at golden globes with the emoji with the hands up and like she wrote back and like whatever i don't we'll we'll we've had a little bit of back and forth but it was kind of like she was like are you guys dating now it was and it was it was like should i be flattered she goes should i be should i be impressed or or creeped out and i said well i was hoping for flattered and maybe impressed but creeped out was a risk because like clearly i had to like find her but like even that like is that a line or is that just like you're pursuing or it's cute like he took

the effort to find you i don't know so do one of those two either find her via social media or do the note like don't wait for a girl to like finish showering and then she like leaves her thing and you've just been waiting outside to talk to her and then she gets out of the locker room and you're like hey i don't know if you noticed me because that's that's creepy yeah my final thought kevin is you seem like a really genuine guy and i would lean lead with you being genuine a hundred percent of the time. And some girls won't like you and some wills will some girls will, but you'll always be genuine and that will work out well for you. Yeah. I also going back to

your stalking the social media. Yeah. Have you guys seen the new Netflix show? You like, I have. Yes, it's not. It does. I felt a little, I did feel it, but listen, like I don't know anything other than this girl that I, I now I know who she is. I don't know. I don't, I haven't like, I don't know.

I didn't do a deep search, but like, that's how people are finding people. And again, like you have to be aware. Like I knew when I did that, there was that conscious thought of like, how is this going to look? And she called me out,

but she was clearly being playful. Yeah. But like, you just have to acknowledge it like yeah i was at the risk there but like but he also has one million followers so i'm sure she was like oh my god a guy is verified has one million followers and he dm'd me no a lot of girls are like that yeah so i'll be honest that's the truth man kevin we're in trouble man like i don't i feel like the the theme of this call is give up. A few bad apples ruin the whole bunch.

Yeah. All right. Good luck, man. Hi, Sarah. Hi. How are you? Thanks for having me. Thanks for doing this.

We really appreciate it. This is my friend, Violet. Hi. I'm Nick. Hey. Sarah, tell us a little bit about yourself and your story. Um, and how can we help? Yeah. So I am in my mid thirties and, um, I have a career, I have a husband, um, but I'm looking to pursue some, um, goals that I had before I kind of built this life. And so my question is,

what tips or advice do you have for kind of chasing your dreams when you've had this established life already? What is your dream? I really want to be a writer. I want to be a children's author and a poet. What are your doubts? Why do you think you can't do it?

So I'm scared on two levels. The first is what if I fail at it? Okay, that might happen. This thing I've wanted my whole life is just not who I want to be. And then what if I succeed and my life does go this other direction? You're going to have to leave your husband. No? I'm just kidding. Yeah, I don't want to leave my husband.

I don't know what my life is going to look like and those relationships that I've built and the people that have come to count on me. Sure. Well, I mean, I guess my advice would be I don't think you necessarily have to really, I don't think things are as black and white in these two scenarios, right?

The first answer is like, you are writing, right? So you can, if you want to be a writer, write. You can, anyone's a writer. You might not be a paid writer or a published writer, but you can write and you can improve. And so because you can probably do that while doing your other things, you can see if you have some success, see how good you are, seek advice, get mentors, et cetera, et cetera. And maybe get to the point while you're doing this other thing and not sacrifice anything else.

And maybe get to the point where you wonder like, am I at a crossroad where I'm really in a position where I actually have a real opportunity here. And maybe at that point worry about what you might have to give up to pursue this dream of yours. But at the same time, like I don't know like how your husband feels. Hopefully you have his support and following your dreams. It sounds like I don't see why you can't change goals.

I mean, you're only, well, how old are you in your thirties? You're not old. I'm 33. Right. I mean,

like here's the one thing i've thought like one one life regret i have and i've always had this and not nothing specific but i've always said this and i'll say it a bunch of times no matter what age you are it's the oldest you've ever been so by definition you just feel old like you can have the perspective then realize as you get older that you're not that old but you still always feel old and i you know so whether it's people asking questions like well i want to go back to school but like i'm 22 and i didn't go when i was 18 like most people do they feel old and i'm thinking you know how young that is it's insanely young go back to school if that's what you want to do or they just like whatever that life change is you're really never that old i

can assure you when you're 40 you'll think 33 is really young is you're really never that old i can assure you when you're 40 you'll think 33 is really young and you'll be like well if i just started it then by the time you're 40 you'd be doing whatever it is you're doing so don't let that age be an issue um and i would think just just go for it i mean why do you have to why does why do you have to give up your family or to violet's kind kind of sarcastic point, leave your husband? I mean, I'm assuming he's supportive. So just go for it. As far as the fear of failing, you might fail.

I mean, I don't know how good of a writer. But like. No, it's nothing to do with your writing skills. It's just a lot of people fail a lot before you reach the point of success. That's a great point. Yeah. So you only hear about the success stories. You never hear about how many times those people tried and failed before they became successful i mean look at that one guy from a 40 year old virgin i forgot his name what is it um oh great steve carell steve carell he didn't become

a famous actor until he was 40 and he was acting for years before so i think there's no i think a lot of times you don't even want to start something because we're like what if i fail and you just don't want to deal with it but then you're going to keep living your life saying what if i think it's good to start something as a hobby because then you may realize like oh shit this isn't even actually what i want to do so you start as a hobby you see how it goes you try to get like he said get mentors like figure it out if it's if it's if suddenly you can become lucrative in some type of way, then you keep pursuing it. If it's not for you, then you hold back, but then you'll never keep asking yourself what if, even if you failed, then you're like,

okay, that wasn't the path for me. Or, okay, what did I do wrong? How do I keep going? That's usually how the successful people become successful because they don't stop just because they failed once. Totally. And also success and failure is a relative term. You know, you have to have perspective in what your goals are, right? As a writer, you could define success by writing something that you enjoy. Or maybe you write your husband a poem and he thinks it's great. That's successful. You know, in terms of like creative content is just,

it's kind of the eye of the beholder. And if your goal is to be a published writer and make a career out of that like that's certainly something that is going to take some time yeah but before you get there like set smaller goals obtainable goals and work your way up start with like writing a little short story and sending it to the new york times yeah like that's a perfect thing like you getting published in the magazine like like that or what i did when i started my account i have an account called daddy issues as i looked at my competitors like people i looked up to and i was like how did they do these things and then if you read about them and you see what

they're doing like you try to do something like that yeah ask for advice you know don't be afraid to like i get rejected i like i still have so many goals and i can't tell you people don't realize like i can't tell you how many times i come up with an idea or I think I want to do something and I get rejected and I get no so many times I like write a show and it goes through and then it gets canceled like you just you get used to so much rejection but I don't go on the internet every day and talk about like today I heard another no like I'm just like you I go on the internet and that's when I'm like I closed the deal today one like editor might think you're not interested in your writer they could also be wrong too sometimes it just takes the right thing so and he's right about changing

your perspective because I think we assume success means being worldwide but success can be like you writing a beautiful poem that you took a lot of work like time time to work on. And you show it to your husband. Your husband thinks it's beautiful. Like for me, when I start writing poems and I read one, I'd be so proud of it. Like that was success for me. And to be honest, like I was just proud of myself that I was able to put my feelings into words on paper. And that was successful for me. So I think you should change your perspective and shouldn't pursue what other people can continuously consider a success.

Okay. That's really helpful. Yeah yeah so failure is not your problem you know just the fear of failure getting over that because yeah you can you can define success any way you want to uh but also be realistic you know in terms of the only other thing is that you don't like i would be open to feedback and be open to criticism yeah um you know sometimes you have that fear of like that fear of failure will ultimately create that like well you think it's amazing and that doesn't really matter i think you want to have that goal but also be open to advice and criticism uh be willing to understand that you need to get better and there's better people out there um a good example from for me is that when i was younger i started a blog after like i found out one of my my ex at the time my boyfriend the time cheated on me so like i

wanted to start a blog to write to other females but i'm dyslexic and i was never that good at english and i'm foreign so i was always kind of feeling insecure about my writing so i started a blog and i wrote a whole blog to try to other women to relate about being cheated on and I remember some a friend of a friend was like oh my god that's and she was a writer and she was like what is she doing that's so embarrassing like why would she write that and I freaked out I deleted the blog and I was like she's so right like I suck at writing like I'm so like I don't even know how to write what am I doing only two years later become a blogger and literally people read my writing and they're like oh my god that's so helpful you're so amazing blah blah and when i started daddy issues again

that same girl said what is she doing that's so embarrassing and i was like no this is happening i don't care and it happened and now she's like oh i'm so happy for you blah blah i was like no i remember you stupid bitch fuck you so yeah to that point other than being made if when you're when you're like auditing the criticism you get like listen to criticism if they're willing to offer advice like in a solution like what are you doing that's stupid isn't criticism that's just someone being a dick don't let that discourage you someone saying listen i have some thoughts here's how you can might maybe like that's criticism you should pay attention to if it's like constructive so like just seek that out and be willing to like

listen to the positive criticism where they're helping you and try to ignore the haters good luck thank you thank you both a lot take care hey there you go i'm Kayla, by the way. Hi, Kayla. Hi, I'm Violet. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. So, Kayla, tell us a little bit about yourself, and what is your story or your question? Okay, my question is, I'll tell you a little back story about it. So, I've been pursuing this person for probably the past month and a half.

Okay. And she is actually, actually our mutual friends have told us, you guys would be perfect for each other. You need to meet. And it's just never been good timing because we both have been dating someone else. Okay. So just recently, I became single probably in the past month or so. And, but she has a boyfriend. So we've actually been hanging out that we finally met. We've been

hanging out and actually having sex and that we've been texting every day, but she actually has been the one initiating the conversations every day. I haven't been. Okay. So I'm just wondering, should I keep pursuing this relationship or should I not? No. I mean, I'm curious when these types of questions I like to, what do you think you should do? So her boyfriend actually knows about it. Okay.

That's an interesting variable that you left out. Right, yeah, he knows about it, but... He knows you guys are hooking up. Yes, he does know, and he's okay with it. Is she, I don't mean, is she bisexual? Is she curious? Is she a lesbian? Like, I don't, what is, like, what's her story?

Honestly, to me, I feel that she is a lesbian, but because I say that because she used to date women and she actually has been in love with women in the past. Okay. So he knows. He does know, yes. And what's his opinion about it? He just, he's okay with it, but I think that he has had her hate. Well, what do you want here? What is it?

What is your goal here? Like, do you want here? What is it? What is your goal here? Do you want to be exclusive with her? Yes, honestly, I would love to be in a relationship with her. And not share her. Yes, to not share her. And I feel like in the beginning, it started out with we both were mutually like, we're going to be friends. This is just going to be a hookup.

But now I feel that my feelings and her feelings as well have gone deeper. But I'm just wondering, I don't feel like, I don't know if she will leave him to be with me. When you say they've gone deeper, you think this or you, she said this to you. She's told me that she has feelings for me. She has actually said that she loves me. Okay.

But go ahead. I'm just learning here. Okay. I don't need to learn anymore. I have an opinion. Yeah, Violet has an opinion. Let me tell you what's really happening here. The reason her boyfriend knows about it and he's okay with it is because he thinks it's just a phase.

Whatever. He's not taking it seriously because he's a boy and he just assumes it's just a phase. And the fact that she's few things one the fact that she's already been hooking up with him with you and like in a way cheating on him why would you even want to get with a partner like that because most likely she will do that to you when she gets bored with you that's a b the fact that he knows about it that means she's not leaving him anytime soon because he thinks it's just a phase and she's gonna she's gonna get bored with you and move on to the same to the next person maybe it already happened in the past and that's why he's so cool with it so i think she's leading you on and she's

she likes that attention because she's insecure in her own ways but she's not as into you as you are into her and she's just gonna waste your Okay. I pretty much agree with all of it. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like a fairly toxic. Yeah, she's the worst. You have no control in the situation and right now you're kind of grasping on it. Yeah.

Sounds like she's saying a lot of things that sound good and feel good. But her actions are not. But her actions aren't really backing that up and i yeah the fact that he knows is an interesting point i mean either way whether he it's it's a shitty situation all the way around had he not known you're just dating a cheater um yeah and the thought is you'll just be the other you know eventually you'll be the one getting cheated on and it always happens yeah uh the fact that he does know makes it all that more complicated. And to Violet's point, yeah, you deserve because you may be making the same mistake and moving on to someone that obviously is not

going to give you the full love that you want and you just want to be loved but like take a step back and like focus on yourself for a second figure out why it didn't work out in your last relationship and take a take a put this toxic person away from you because this girl does sound really toxic to me and just focus on yourself and the next person you find will be single and they will love you the way you want to be loved. And that's what you want. Like, you don't want to be second best. Like, that sucks.

Just out of curiosity, how do you know that he knows? She just told you or he's confirmed that he knows? No, she told me. But she's actually invited me out to their house before with him there all right but not wanting anything like sexual like she would never want anything sexual between the three of us though yeah i wasn't but i'm just like maybe she's lying it just seems like there's just a lot of i just think she's probably not even there for the first time this girl's dating someone just for the for fun I just think she's probably not even there for the first time. This girl's dating someone just for fun.

I think she's doing this for fun while you're trying to look for something serious. Once you're developing feelings and you want something more, to Violet's point, it's probably going nowhere fast. She sucks. Yeah. Yeah. I'm starting to feel that way that she does suck. Good. yeah i'm starting to feel that way that she does suck good and like listen just just i think it's it's easier it's easy to say someone sucks and i'm not necessarily disagreeing with it but like

i think it's easier to get over a situation when you uh come to the conclusion that you deserve more you deserve better um whether they're a shitty person or not it's just you're they're not meeting your needs yeah and one thing my mom told me because last year i was like trying to date more is that when someone shows you a when someone shows you their true colors like listen yeah like they're being honest with you yeah people don't want to believe people all the time it's like well they told me this should i believe them fuck yes no even how they act it's like they're literally telling you this is who i am. Yes. But like whenever like someone I feel like in the past year when I've dated like didn't appreciate me or whatever and I kind of would get butthurt and I'll call my mom talking

to her about it. She'll be like, Violetta, because that's my full name. They're doing you a favor. They're literally like you're so lucky because it's the wrong person. You're so lucky they're not chasing you and obsessed with you because then it's going to be even harder for you to let them go because they're the wrong person for you so like they're doing you a favor in the beginning already for not being good enough for you so like keep walking and she's like always right totally like minus maybe the sex being good and you like thinking you're a match if you i'm

guessing if you made a long list of pros and cons the con list would be much longer of how she makes you feel like how you think she makes you much longer of how she makes you feel. Like how you think she makes you feel and how she actually makes you feel are probably very two different things. Because I'm guessing you're spending a lot of time wondering, you know, and every time she's with your boyfriend, it must hurt a little bit. And that's like to call us up and ask a question kind of sucks. I mean, we appreciate you doing it, but it sucks that you have to do that. And so like really think about how she makes you feel, not how you think she makes you feel

or the idea of what you want in your perfect scenario of like, well, if I had my way, this is how I would be. What is it in reality? Yeah, I mean, because if you were so secure in this relationship, whatever it is, like you probably wouldn't be searching for questions. I know the minute I start like Googling things like ways to figure out if this person likes you, like things like that. He doesn't like you. That's when I'm like, oh, okay. He's probably not that into me. So, but you're going to be fine. Are you from Chicago?

No, I'm not. I'm actually from West Virginia. Okay. She's wearing a C's head that's why i ask um well i hope hopefully this was helpful good luck um it was thank you i'm really glad that i called in and asked you guys so i appreciate it in the final if it seems messy it probably is and like to violet's point like it's some most things are not as confusing sometimes as they seem we just don't want to admit to ourselves that they're pretty clear cut. So true. Yep, very true.

Thank you so much. Best of luck. You're going to be great. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye. What does it mean when an ex who you were in a very serious relationship with, where marriage was talked about,

has just started texting you again with random small talk and nothing to do with us uh well first of all it means they're bored yeah um they're just they're just bored and a lot of times they they just want to make sure like they're like oh in case you forgot about me like i'm right here still think about me if they're not asking you to like go out with you again whatever they're not they're just like testing the water just to be like you still love me okay cool i need that because a lot of people want to be wanted but don't want you like they don't want you to move on but they don't want you so like yeah also like i sometimes i these questions bother me because it's like who gives

a shit about what they want what do you want and even if she wants to get back together with like the ball's in her court in a sense too as well like so like what i mean what does it mean i love your point earlier if you have to try to figure it out usually you already know what the answer is is if they want if they want to date you they'll let you know also i read a book before about, like I do a lot of research. So one of the books I read was something about how if you want to get your ex back, you have to go a certain amount of time without talking to them. So if they're texting you or calling you, you don't have to respond. So if they're just texting you about your day and blah, blah, and has nothing to do

with your actual relationship, you don't respond until they finally give you like, hey, I would love to see you again. I've been thinking about you. I want to talk about what happened. Then you're like okay let's do this if it's just like hey um do you still have my scrunchie at your house or like did you watch the bachelor or is your table gray right now or did you get a new table it's like you don't have to respond to that just checking in i've had people do that too or just like hey listen if you want to talk about this fine if not like um this is not we're not just be like we're that too. Where it's just like, Hey, listen, if you want to talk about this, fine. If not, like this is not,

we're not just be like, we're not friends because then it's messing with your head. And then you're like, Oh, what? Like that's where this happened. Cause it's like, what does this mean?

Cause he's asking me about the weather and he asked me if he, I thought the sky was blue enough. Like it means nothing. He wants your attention. That's it. Yeah. So if you, yeah,

I totally agree with you. If you want something from this, you need to like force the issue. No, you just don't say anything until you don't respond. And then if you really want it to get back with you if you want something from this you need to like force the issue no you just don't say anything until you don't respond and then if you really wanted to get back with you he's going to make a point when men want you you'll know it's fine but i think it's also the other way around i've had the same thing happen with women where it's just and also but like if it never changes

i do think at some point people have to cut people off they have to say hey listen you keep at you keep taxing me you know like we're not you're we're not buddies and like i make yourself vulnerable if you want to talk about us fine i'm open to it but if not like you're wasting my time and then he'll probably be like dude chill i was just asking yeah but at least now you have your answer you can really move on okay yeah when online dating how soon should you tell someone that you have kids when you're online dating would you should you tell someone if you have kids i yes yeah i feel like that's nothing to be ashamed of i think you have to acknowledge that some men and women out there in the dating world aren't looking for someone with kids yeah that's not a bad thing um i think you should say it

from the first date or like somehow put in your conversation when you first start talking maybe not the first like text but i think it's important because then if someone's not interested in looking for other people's kids or looking for kids it gives you a better chance to be like all right that's not for me moving on you certainly don't attract the men who aren't and go on three dates only to find out he's not into that. Yeah. Or also it's going to make you seem dishonest. If you go on a few dates with someone, then you're like, by the way, I have seven kids.

Don't make it an issue. Just own it. And just there's plenty of guys out there. Yeah. Like your package and your package of you comes with children. And that's someone's going to love that. I just think sometimes we will pine over, obsess over the things that we aren't getting right yeah so yeah there are plenty of guys who aren't into that fine but just that doesn't you know what i'm saying like just weed

them out like filter those out from the beginning so that you don't get discouraged by that yeah put on your dating profile yeah just a single mother mother of two. Bam. Who's ready? Yeah. Thank you so much for all of your questions. We definitely need more of them. So please email us at asknickatcastmedia.com. That is asknickatcastmedia.com. Record a voice memo on your phone and email that or just type up your email.

And we can't do this without you. We need your questions. Keep it interesting. Keep it honest. And hopefully we can help you out. Well, Violet, I just want to thank you so much for being my co-host today. You were amazing. I think, you know, biggest takeaway, we all have some mommy and daddy issues.

And we all have issues. Let's not let them dictate who we are are we can have issues and we can overcome them and the right person will love you for exactly the way you are and i you made a great point like you can all have issues don't let it be a crutch you know have get over it don't don't use that as an excuse to it can be a reason not an excuse right um, where can, uh, people find you on social? Well, I live on, oh. What's your address? Um, um, they can find me at daddyissues underscore and then at Viola Benson, my shop, shop daddyissues.com

on Twitter, daddyissues underscore, underscore. This has been another episode of the Viola Files. See you next time. Have a good week. Bye. episode of the vile files see you next time have a good week bye