The Viall Files - E302 Ask Nick - Your Ex Has No Room In Your Current Relationship

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we start with a woman who has been with someone for 3 years and he continues to break up with her over things she considers petty. But she needs to recognize why it may not be petty to him, especially if it involves an ex. Our next caller has an issue with over-romanticizing her relationships and future-tripping way before she should be. Low energy is the issue with our next caller. She has an issue with people meeting her and assuming she is awkward only to come to the realization she is not. Finally, we speak with someone who doesn’t know if she should tell the guy she is going to a music festival with that she likes him for the fear of making it weird if he rejects her.  “You’ll be okay if it doesn’t work out, I promise!” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! Don't forget to nominate The Viall Files for a People's Choice Podcast Award: https://www.podcastawards.com/ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Hunt A Killer: http://www.huntakiller.com/VIALLFILES and use code  VIALLFILES, for 20% off your first box. Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com use promo code VIALL to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Rothy’s: http://www.rothys.com/VIALL to find your new warm weather favorites today and keep it fresh this summer with washable shoes and bags.  Daily Harvest: http://www.dailyharvest.com enter code viall to get $25 off your first box! Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition welcome we are so glad to have you here i'll have the ladies with us. Chrissy, Allie, and Amanda, how's everyone doing today? I have an atrocious sunburn on my butt. Okay. Was this like a, like it's because new bikinis are like showing the butt or you just, this is like a naked thing. It's not a naked thing.

It's, I'm usually incredible about sunscreen application. Apparently I missed spots on my butt. So now I have a terrible, and it's like there's the line, it's blotchy, it's bright red. And even when it fades out of a sunburn, I'm going to have a terrible tan line. Yeah, yeah.

Just because you're putting sunscreen on doesn't mean you're putting it on everywhere. Oh my God. No, I mean, application matters, you know? Cover all your bases. And if anything, it makes me appreciate sunscreen. It shows the hard work it does in all the other places. Yeah. I super wish my problems were sunscreen, but it's like I have other ones, but I don't want to talk about it.

I'm just sitting here trying to live my best ass Nick life from last week. Yeah. It's like, you want me to talk about how I desperately need to be back in therapy now today. Right. And then today I pay extra attention to the advice since he called me out for not listening. So many people commented. I got messages that were like,

I can't believe you don't listen to it. Like you're there all the time. Happens. Well, I mean, I don't know if, I mean, I don't know if you're ready for my overall Chrissy advice. No, not yet. I'm not fully immune capable yet. So let's just like, let's just put that on hold.

How are you doing, All i'm good um i'm trying to think about what i did this weekend your arm hair i'm oh yeah okay here's the tea i moved this weekend moved into a studio apartment good times um i went to a taylor swift soul cycle class was lovely knew every word to every single song. Then decided to purposely remove all of the hair on my arms to see how that went. Went pretty well. You shaved your arms? No, I used Nair because I didn't want to have bumps. They're really smooth.

Amanda, you want to feel it? Yeah. Yeah. She can testify. They're really smooth. I feel like you're like an exhibitionist on your own body. You're like, what up? Yeah.

Well, one time. Okay, you want to hear a story? One time in college. So there's different kinds of Nair. There's the normal kind, which is supposed to be used for legs and arms. Then there's a kind for your sensitive areas. I didn't realize that there was a difference. So in college, I used the normal kind on my down under.

Started hurting really bad in the shower, but I was like, it's fine. It's getting the hair off. Gave myself a chemical burn on my hoo-ha and then trying to pee out of a chemical burn. I found a Reddit thread and this woman said, I've had three children and this hurt worse than all of their like childbirths combined.

So I've had a long history with nair please get the specific kind if you're going to use it on your badge because it hurts well i'm also appalled that you were placing you had a chemical burn why would you ever use any kind of nair on on do people so there's so it's like smooth there's vagina nair yes but I use the regular kind and I gave myself a chemical burn and then I had to pee out of it and like I literally

had to like put my fist in my mouth to stop myself from screaming in like the dorm room bathroom so when you say I'm an exhibitionist

that is such a visual yeah for yeah it's such a visual I don't even can you handle that visual because I can't I can't handle that visual? Because I can't.

I can't handle it. I went to this one really cheap but kind of sketchy waxer in the Chicago area who would punch my coochie before she would wax it because she said it would make it hurt less. And I think there's, I don't know, I think there's a point to it because the punch hurts so much more than the hair removal. I love how I told you two to like, you you know chat and open up a little bit more and you guys went right instant vagina stories maybe we should stop with visual things that we can have like clear visuals on you know it's a psa maybe it's a psa if it helps one person yeah i'm i should work with nair and just make it really

clear for people well i feel like men don't like men sometimes don't know the lengths women go to for hair removal. Especially because I think porn creates the most insane expectations. Not even around body, but just around body hair. But more importantly, if we just help one young lady who is not sure if she should be using... Don't give yourself a chemical burn. And if you have gotten a chemical burn, feel free to reach out to me and we can talk about it well with that said we have a fantastic week ahead for you on the vile files big week we have the bachelor finale so we're going to have the one on her mina kimes you know her she's been on a couple times to recap of espn very

anical very detailed bachelor fan and she's gonna help us break down the finale there's tons to talk about what goes on the fan alley is Katie happy is she in love is she going to lean into her love is she gonna go after Greg how is is the

I feel like the Greg story is not done we will find out we will break it all down with me two times and then we will be interviewing we think Justin Justin, maybe Greg, probably one of the two, but one of the finalists from The Bachelor. We have yet to get confirmation on who that is,

but they will be in studio on Wednesday. So it's a big week. Be sure to join us. Can't thank you enough for listening to The Vile Files. Tell your friends, subscribe, all that fun stuff, five-star reviews on iTunes. And if there's nothing else, let's get to our callers.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jennifer. Hi, Jennifer. I'm 32. How can I help? And I live in Canada. All right. How can I help in Canada. All right.

How can I help? Okay. Um, I have this partner of three years. Um, it's always been on and off since the get go. We never really had like a honeymoon phase. Yeah. It's always been like quite rocky.

Um, I was single for a long time prior so i had a really tough time adjusting to being in a relationship again um i was hesitant getting into one just because i felt like i wasn't ready i have friends who have been kind of like exes i guess if you will and those people are still like my friends today now my partner tends to break up with me over really petty things like every time I'm honest about something or try and talk to him about something I basically get broken up with because he feels disrespected okay what are some of the things give me an example of petty uh one of the

things was like the most recent one was this like ex-friend of mine or this ex-boyfriend of mine um who he doesn't my partner doesn't like um actually broke up with his partner and like a guy partner and needed a positive friend so he came here and i let him crash on the couch for the night and another friend of ours was borrowing his car so he was kind of stuck at my house for the day so you dated this person in the past like five years ago okay yeah like five years ago and you but you slept with him and dated him and had a physical relationship? At one point, yeah. Okay.

And so anyways, so what happened was I had let him crash on the couch and I let him bathe the next day. Meanwhile, I was out with my actual partner all day the next day and told him about it and everything. And he got really upset to the point he literally broke up with me because this man i let him bathe in my bathtub he took a bath that was literally one of the reasons because he bathed i mean i'm just more fascinated that he bathed he took a bath well i let him because he was stressed out and things like that right i was out with my boyfriend all day he was

at the house by himself. And what did he say? Just like up that shitty. We're breaking up. He just like lost it. He got really mad, really upset. You're disrespecting me kind of thing.

I don't appreciate him being around. Okay. Cause he doesn't, cause he doesn't like them. Right. So it feels like I shouldn't really have him in my life because my partner doesn't like them. But then you get back't really have him in my life because my partner doesn't like him but then you get back together typically yeah we do yeah what are you right now what's what's your relationship status now right now we're not together um why because

of this last most because of the story you just told me that's right okay that just happened like a week ago gotcha and but he's done this before yeah over a silly thing to me they're petty problems that like we could easily talk it out and hash it out you don't need to break up with someone over it and like my personal opinion and my partner so he's 50 so i'm 32 he's 50 um he's in the na program um he has like eight years clean he also got diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome i'm not sure if you know what that is he's always tired yeah but it's more like you're you're sick like just constant right okay so it's like his like coping with like big emotions like that he has like a really hard time right so instead he just kind of bolts

so it affects his mental health yeah okay and so basically i wrote in because I feel like lost. I don't know what to do because I really love this guy. I've invested a lot of time. My own son's dad passed away almost five years ago. And so he's kind of the closest thing my son has to a dad. But I'm struggling trying to navigate the relationship. Well, there's a couple of things. I mean, yeah, listen uh people have the right to get upset for things i you know he wouldn't be the first guy who got frustrated by the idea that

someone you used to be intimate with like is now sleeping on your couch and bathing at your house like so i you know i get where that point of frustration comes i mean but how he handles his frustration is obviously a different story and taking aside his health problems that might be playing a role into this like yeah like it matters how they handle stress i mean also like so he broke up with you you're currently broke up he's currently broken up with you for that and you're right it would seem silly if he broke up with you for that i mean he has a right to be upset but you know would make more sense to talk to you about these things and communicate his

frustrations and say hey babe like well why did you do that like i'll be honest that kind of frustrated me or that makes me upset or that made me feel insecure or um and assuming he does trust you and be like well nothing happened i mean i yeah, I guess I see your point of view, and I won't do that in the future. Has he asked you not to do stuff like this that you did anyway? Question. He's stated before with him and another friend of mine who's male that he doesn't like them.

He doesn't want the drama in his life i guess in a way he's kind of stated like you know i don't like him i don't want it in my life but in my like i don't know i guess i view it a little differently like i view it as like the only drama that's really being caused is how he's reacting to the problems maybe but i mean i i'm not i'm not agreeing with him or disagreeing i'm just saying he has voiced a frustration of you having relationships of any kind with people you used to be intimate with that sounds like the theme right and you disagree because you're just like well there, there's nothing going on. You don't have an actual reason to be mad. And you've decided to be like, well, since I know I'm not doing anything wrong,

then I'm just going to keep doing what I want to do. And now he is reacting. Am I hearing that right? Like you made an act of choice to ignore him. So on that front end i while i do think it's a bit of an overreaction to break up with you for it like it makes it it does make it worse when you're just like it reminded me a time when i was a long time ago like years ago and i was dating someone and you know i'm in the relationships in general i like being able

to communicate things you know i don't like being jealous i don't i don't i i don't like being controlling i don't want to tell someone what to do i want someone to want to to do the right thing so to speak and that's not always the case it doesn't always come up right sometimes so there was a situation where the girl i was dating was just like hey i'm you know gonna go hang out with my friend with this guy she used to date right and i trust i did trust her right but she was like i want to do this fun thing this event and he invited me to come and we're gonna go get a hotel and and and drive down to chicago And I was like, oh, and it bothered me. And like, it just,

and it was an ongoing thing with this guy, right? I had mentioned to her before, like, I don't know, just like the whole thing, things don't add up for me. And again, I totally trusted her. It wasn't about that. It was just the, you know, it was something about the dynamic that made me uncomfortable, right?

And then, so finally I didn't like tell her she couldn't go and then it really i got a phone there it really bothered me and then i remember like and i didn't really tell her you know i was kind of passive aggressive with her and i called her up and said you know what i i'm just gonna be totally honest with you like i i don't want you to go it's gonna really upset me like uh i kind of was wanting you to decide not to go by, you know, I was, you know,

I kind of acknowledged like I was being passive aggressive and hoping you would make the decision I wanted you to make, but you're clearly not going to. And it just really bothers me. Like, and this was my girlfriend, like we in a relationship and I felt, and I felt very justified to say,

listen, I'm uncomfortable with this and it would make me really uncomfortable if you go and she was like well fuck it I'm doing it anyways you can't tell me what to do and I remember in that moment I was like I think I have to break up with her. Cause it was just like, I'm here trying the best I can to just, you know, what's the balance between quote unquote, being controlling and me saying, well, I'm not comfortable with this. And I know I have some reasons to be justified. I don't know if I'm necessarily right or not, but like, clearly it's triggering for me and this has something to do with a guy you used to be intimate with and i've never met him you know he doesn't know me and i

might trust you but i don't trust the environment he's asking you to be a part of and i'm just kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing and i communicated that with her and it felt like she told me to fuck you i'm doing what i want well if you haven't already you probably have been getting together with your friends especially now that people have been getting more out and about and getting vaccinated and game nights are always a fun thing let's bring game nights back and hunt a killer people you. You know them. You love them. They've been a supporter of this podcast for some time now. It's the ultimate, like, listen, it's like what I like to describe is like clue on steroids, right? Like Hunt a Killer, it's a really immersive, like, you know, mystery,

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and yeah it was i was kind of like it made me feel like well she doesn't respect how i feel like she i don't i can't even in the most. And again, I didn't raise my voice. I didn't tell her you can't do it. I just tried to very calmly communicate it with her. And she, with her action said, I don't really care how it makes you feel. What I want to do is more important than how I, how you feel. And in a relationship, those situations are going to come up. And when that person's on the receiving end of someone saying, I don't care if I'm going to hurt your feelings because getting my way is more important. And the important thing is it's not exactly who's necessarily right or wrong, you know, in her mind.

And again, I trusted her in her mind. She's like, I'm not going to cheat on you. I'm not going to do anything. So you're stopping me from having fun. That's all she thought about. And then she got that narrative stuck in her head and and i was just like i'm just really uncomfortable with this environment and you're my girlfriend and it just seems weird that you want to do this so badly and i remember being like listen if you want to do stuff like this and i don't even know if i was

right or right i was like didn, maybe we shouldn't be dating. Go do your thing. And to some point, and I'm not saying you can't be friends with exes. I personally think in general it's not a healthy approach, but there's always exceptions to the rules. But at some point, collecting a bunch of ex-lovers that you all get to be friends with is not something you really do in a committed loving relationship like you say like i have women friends that are straight up platonic

friends that like since i've had a girlfriend those relationships have faded a little bit they just my energy is going into the relationship that i value the most and like you know that's i put those energy i put all this other i had all this energy to give i didn't have a girlfriend so i kind of you know gave it to some of these other women again it was totally platonic but like it shifts a little bit so again i'm not defending him and it sounds like an overreaction but you you actively said, I don't care if this makes you uncomfortable. And that was very dismissive to his feelings. Now you add in the fact that he has, you know,

some health conditions that help, you know, like his mental health has a hard time dealing with like stressful situations. And in that moment, you're just like, I don't care. I don't care. I'm not doing anything wrong. And so this is what I'm going to do. I'm right, you're just like i don't care i don't i don't care i want i'm not doing anything wrong and so this is what i'm going to do i'm right you're wrong i'm gonna do me and i need you to deal with it and he was just like well i don't want to deal with it i just want to not have to

worry about like every once in a while being like you know chad sleeping on the couch and bathing and even if he's like ultimately like trust you and feel you know he's just like i don't she's probably not doing anything but like i don't want to worry about it. I don't want it in my head. I don't want him. I don't want him bathing at your fucking house. Well, kind of like what you were going back to before, whereas like with the middle ground of like what's kind of controlling and what's not like that's where I get really lost and confused. Yeah.

And it can be nuanced. Right. Someone asked me a question yesterday on questions with Nick. And her question was her. Yeah, it was. It was, I believe can be nuanced. Someone asked me a question yesterday on Questions with Nick, and her question was, yeah, it was, I believe, a woman, but the question was, regardless of the gender, it was, is my partner being toxic by controlling what I post on social media? My initial reaction was, of course. And then I was like, well, what does controlling mean?

In a sense that, like, if the person's like, you're not allowed, I'm telling you what to post and telling you what not to post. Well, yeah, that would be toxic as fuck. But what does controlling mean? You know, if you're in a relationship, does your partner have a right to say things that make them uncomfortable

or not uncomfortable? You know, you want to be like as a guy, you want to be supportive of your beautiful girlfriend and body positivity and all that but you know do you have a right to like say oh man you just a lot of thirst traps and you have a bunch of like creepy guys saying a bunch of creepy things on your page and i'm a little uncomfortable with that and does your partner have a right to say that makes them uncomfortable you know i, people can debate this, right? You know, there might not, you know, my people listening might have a lot of different

opinions in this moment that we're saying it. But the point is, is I do think to some degree, your partner has a right to say what makes them feel uncomfortable, especially when it comes to your actions engaging with other people. Just because you're not going to, you know, fuck them doesn't mean that you get to like have dinner with exes whenever you want, because like, we're friends, what's the big deal? We're just having dinner. And you're like, well, I don't know. Like if you want to have dinner with exes or other guys, like break up with me. And you're just like, well, I'm not going to cheat on them. What am I doing wrong? You know, and that's for everyone to decide. Like it's, you can really justify all

these things if you, if it's just like well i'm not going to sleep with them i'm not going to do anything you know but you don't know what that other person's thinking and feeling and and and your and your your ex slash friend just got in a fight with their partner they're vulnerable how many times have we heard a story where you know someone so is feeling vulnerable and hurt and mad, and they reach out to someone from their past, and things unravel and happen. And now you're asking your partner to not worry about that and not go down a rabbit hole.

And just because he trusts you doesn't mean he might not worry about things and get in his head about things. And that's stress, and that's things that you have to deal with. So you need to be respectful of all these things. it's very nuanced but at the end of the day like what are you what are you prioritizing more you know which relationships in your life friendships or romantic or otherwise are a priority for you and you're going to have to decide and which ones are a bigger priority and you're going to have to give up some things you know and feeling like you're being controlled and being controlled aren't always the same yeah because there's times

too like where he'll like break up with me and i'll go do something and then he'll bitch at me about it you know and it's like well the the breaking up with you and being back together you dumped me you know yeah that is immature. I mean, this guy's 50. It's an immature thing to use a breakup as a way to... It's not a punishment tool, breaking up with someone. It's not a way to make them feel...

Yeah. You shouldn't use it as a form of punishment. You break up with someone because you don't want to be with them. Not to get even with them. Not to make them feel what you felt. All those things. That's where he's wrong in doing that yeah but we don't know if he's taking you back you're just assuming based off of past performances and you might be there's a good chance you're right but well i mean he still has me on his social media which he normally doesn't and then i'm like well maybe he just has that so that he can like keep six on what i'm doing who knows i don't know we could over analyze it you can say it's the opposite i don't know but i think the biggest thing to focus

on right now is what we've just been talking about in terms of whether you agree with someone or not when your partner expresses to you something that triggers them or bothers them or makes them feel uncomfortable you need to acknowledge that and respect that. And if you don't agree with it, it doesn't give you the right to just dismiss it. You're going to have, if you want to be with that person, then you have to work through it to the point where you find some sort of compromise or resolution before you just go on and do the very thing they've said, this triggers me. And if, and if, if, if you can this triggers me and if and if if if you can't come to an agreement and if you're like no like fucked up this is controlling

then you should break up with them you know what i'm saying so if they were going to like the social media example too like maybe what makes them feel triggered and uncomfortable is still fucking controlling maybe maybe that's the case and if that's how you feel then you should end that relationship but saying that that's controlling, fuck you. I'm going to stay with you by the way. And I'm going to do it anyways. It's just fucking toxic as shit. And you know, you're going to end up in these, you know, breaking up and getting back together. Yeah. I guess part of me just feels like I do all the compromising in the relationship. So when I have like one thing, like something as simple as that, it's like, I guess I just kind of expect them to be okay with it because I do all the compromising and practically every other area. Well, fine.

Yeah, I get that. But that's not an excuse to do this, right? You have to then think about the relationship in general. And I understand. And I am so sorry for your loss and your son's dad and what that might feel like but this can relationship can end and you will find someone else and be okay and your son will be okay and again what you say you invest in the relationship we've talked about this before that's not a justification to ignore toxic behavior or things you can't do and so like maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship where you're the

one doing all the compromising because I'm doing all the compromising so it i'm gonna do this even if it hurts them is toxic you know right and it's not sustainable and you know you're you're not gonna be happy he's not gonna be happy so you need to figure out how you guys can communicate and work through these things or break up as hard as it might be and i don't doubt it will be hard you will be okay things or break up as hard as it might be. And I don't doubt it will be hard. You will be okay. All right.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry, but you can work through this, but hopefully that, that that's helpful. Yeah. I hope we can figure it out. Cause you might not be able to,

and that's going to be okay. I promise. Yeah. You'll be okay. If it doesn't work out i promise okay all right okay thank you so much all right take care bye-bye flatbread smoothies and more that's right good healthy organic fruits vegetables delivered right to your door i'm talking about daily harvest that's right i consciously I'm always trying to eat more fruits and vegetables that are healthy for me, less sugar. Daily harvest makes it

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That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Rothy's dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. How are you? Great. What's your name? Alabama.

How can I help? And I'm 24. Okay. So my issue is I over-romanticize everything. And basically the backstory of that is I met this guy, and we moved pretty quickly. We were spending a lot of time together. Definitely would call it love bombing now.

For sure. And his part or your part or both? Probably a little bit of both if I have to be brutally honest here. I think for me it was I was just so excited to finally be in a real relationship that moving quickly wasn't a red flag to me. So we moved in together after two months of dating and then found out he had a girlfriend, another girlfriend in another state the whole time we were living together,

which is crazy. How'd you find out? So she had posted something on Instagram and it was on my like for you page and it was a picture of them and I was like, wait, what the actual fuck? So then I clicked on it. Wait, the explore page?

Yeah, like like you know when you go to like um look up your friends and stuff and it's just right there yeah so that was fun um so anyways i spent like four months not talking to anybody not like dating didn't get on any dating apps like didn't really sleep with anybody just kind of tried to heal from that because it was really like traumatizing devastating whatever but now i'm back on hinge because i was under the impression hinges where people go to want to seriously date not just have that well that's fucking wrong i think in general i think in general there are i mean put it this way if you are someone who just wants to hook up with people, you're going to find probably both on both, on all platforms.

Like, I'm sure every dating app wants to say, like, this is where people come to take it seriously. But, you know, you're going to find bad outcomes just because, you know, love is messy in all dating apps. Yes, true. you know, love is messy in all dating apps. Yes, true. But my issue really is just when I meet somebody, you know, I like take the time to talk to them, see if it's worth meeting up with them, hang out with them a few times, but then I just get hooked. And I think it's because I have the desire so badly to be in a real relationship again

and just have that love and not be, you know, lonely anymore. So what happens when you get hooked, as you say? Oh, my gosh. I just like future trip. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, what if this happens? Like our kids are going to be so like ridiculous stuff. Like our kids are going to be so cute. Yeah.

So, but you know that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right. So when, yeah. So what does it take for you to get that excited about someone? Definitely when our personalities and morals and um goals for life match up um and if they can handle my sassy attitude and my sarcasm like that's the main thing because i'm a lot um and so when i just meet these guys and they match

up with that then i'm just like oh my gosh this is the one like we're gonna date i'm gonna introduce them to my friends and it's like like, whoa, you got to, like not everybody can be perfect for you like I'm making them seem. Well, you have no idea whether they're perfect for you. All they've done is validate your insecurities about yourself. True. I guess I didn't really think about that.

And so like that's, you know, and that's great that you're calling in because yeah, and we've talked about this to some degree in the past, but yes, like you just want to be liked and validated and accepted, which we all do, right? It is a big part of finding love, but you're doing that before you're qualifying them at all.

You're not even thinking about that. You're just like, I'm a lot to handle, and he gets me, so I love him. Yeah. Well, I don't love them. I don't go that far yet. But you. So I love him. Yeah. Well, I don't like love them. I don't go that far yet, but you get what I'm saying. Totally. Yeah.

So my thing is I want to be able to weed out the bad one. Cause when I do that, I kind of just push away all the red flags and then the red flags start popping up. And then it's like, Oh shit, what do I do now? Okay.

So what's your question? Um, my question is how do you not it's like it's normal to get super excited about somebody but how can i bring myself back down to reality and be like okay this is where you need to like not over romanticize everything just because you want to be liked so badly and be in a relationship like you're going to attract the wrong people doing that i feel like personally and i have been attracting the wrong people by doing that you ask more questions ask more questions what do i know about them you just ask yourself that question what do i like about them If a red flag pops up, you go, what do I need to ask to determine

whether this red flag is a problem and something I need to remove myself from? Or it looks like it's a red flag, but they seem to have a good grasp on it. I mean, in no way am I blaming you for dating someone who was willing to lie to have another girlfriend but the fact that someone was able to get away with that with you like you're just not paying attention you're not asking any questions you're not you know you're so wrapped up and you're as you describe your fantasy of thinking about the future

and what your place is going to look like and how you guys are going to decorate and oh my god we're so in love etc etc like you're not even looking you know it's it probably might even be right in front of your face the sign like who knows maybe you're dating this machiavellian person but like this guy was literally post or his girlfriend like he clearly wasn't like that secretive about it like Instagram was like hey yeah right well he didn't have social media so I don't think he realized that we would ever find out either way he wasn't that you know like you're not necessarily describing someone who's like so Machiavellian that he's like really good at you know covering his ass mm-hmm and that would make sense and again you're not you're you're so wrapped up and being accepted and then fantasizing

about your future rather than getting to know these people learning about their past their past relationships who they dated and then you know when people like when you eventually get to the point where it makes sense to talk about past relationships or it comes up when something they say doesn't make sense then you ask them to explain what they meant what what you know i'm when people go on dates people they're on dates with say things that don't make sense all the time and we often make the mistake of either running from it and being like oh red flag gotta run or ignoring it because we really think they're hot or they are funny and they make us feel validated and we're just like i don't know whatever it's

not i don't know it doesn't make sense but like i'm probably just misunderstanding them yeah but when things don't make sense we need to ask why and ask them to explain more and and just do it in a way that shows an interest you know and always always make it seem like you're on their team like oh yeah like it's that must have been tough but like why did that happen that way and them and their and their and their explanations are either going to make them make less sense or more sense there's no like you know well actually that doesn't make no more confused or okay that makes sense you know okay so just ask deeper questions ask questions deeper ask like yeah it doesn't sound like you're asking any questions i do ask questions i promise but i

think i'm just so wrapped up like i just take you know whatever they say and just run with it like okay whatever instead of like slowing down and really like asking deeper questions like you said because nothing's worked out yet. So I am taking responsibility for part of that too. Like obviously it's not all their fault. Yeah. We talk a lot about being excited on the show. It's like, how can I tell if they're excited about me?

But like, we also have to be conscious of when we're excited about someone else. Cause I think we often confuse our excitement for someone with like genuine romantic feelings or a genuine foundation of a romantic connection. You're just excited. You're just really excited. And when we get excited, we have a way of leaving ourselves vulnerable for overlooking things and not paying attention to the signs that are like, like the, these flags that are just flying high. I mean, sometimes these red flags are just like,

geez, giant, you know, uh, people are just like waving them in your face. You're just like, ah, you know,

so don't let your excitement, you know, be blinders to some of the things that people are presenting to themselves. And don't confuse your excitement with, you know, love or, like I always say, the reason why people say like, oh, this might sound crazy, it sounds crazy.

Like, you know what I'm saying? When the next word's out of your mouth, that doesn't make it, it sounds crazy, but I feel like I've known you forever. Well, it sounds crazy because you know you don't know them forever. You're just excited and that's great to be excited but don't be so fair afraid of lose i haven't been excited about someone this

long so like i don't want to let's just i just i don't want to ruin a good thing let's just just enjoy the excitement you know don't don't do that. That's what I've been doing. Yeah, that's what I've been doing. Do you have any helpful tips for dating on apps? Because I don't think I'm going to run into someone at the grocery store like I would love to have happen. Who knows? Get good at asking questions. Don't waste a lot of time texting back and forth. I think the Zoom first dates are great.

I think people should use that more and more, especially women who, you know, have to worry about things like their safety and things like that. A Zoom date is a great screening process to be like, hey, you seem cool. Like, do you want to like hop on and have a fun quick Zoom date?

Like, first of all, any guy says shoots you down for that like already that you know they don't have a sense of humor or they can't get out of their comfort zone or like they're controlled like that's a simple easy ask let's jump on a zoom date and then you can see if you like the sound of their voice how they look you know communication communication styles keep that conversation to i mean if it's going great fine i mean i'm not saying you have to get off the phone but don't be afraid to make that like a relatively short conversation and then if it goes well just be like you know well let's get together or hopefully they ask you and if not all they have is like you should people should literally create like a

a gmail account that you only use for online zoom dates so you're not giving out any personal information you have to give your phone number out to this guy you just go on this whack email that no you know you don't give and use for anything else and you just do it for like zoom first dates okay that's what i think great idea yeah you get really good you can do as many of those as possible because you know what you're going to do, especially with people you aren't excited about, and get good at asking questions. Okay. Asking questions. I mean, you should use dating apps as a way to get better at asking questions

that guys are not excited about. Like, what's the worst thing you can do? Spend 20 minutes on the Zoom, you know? Right? That's a really good idea. That'll be like my hinge bachelorette. I'll just get really good at asking questions to the people that don't excite me. But when they do excite you, be really good at asking questions then too,

but practice on people you're not excited about. Also, people you aren't excited about, as we've learned and talked about before, that can turn into someone you get excited about. The people you're excited about initially, again, sometimes could be a trigger or something inside you saying like you're excited because they make you nervous. They're excited because they make you feel insecure about yourself. And now your ego wants to, you know, make you feel special. It's just like, Hey girl, he's too good for you. And then you get excited because he gave me a little bit

of attention and now you're chasing and then he validates you, you know, things like that. So be careful about your excitement level and don't be so quick to dismiss all the guys you don't feel an initial spark or excitement with you might ask questions that will be like i never would have thought he would have said that i never thought we would end up talking about these things that's why i like you know treat it like a practice run and then good at asking questions and because going out to dinner and and things be exhausting, you could do a lot on Zoom. Awesome. All right.

Wow. Yeah. What are your thoughts on going on The Bachelor? Do you recommend or do you not recommend? If you can get on, great. But I don't think it has anything to do with helping you successfully find love. It can work, but I wouldn't have that be a goal.

Okay, no goal then. All right. All right, take care. All right, bye-bye. You too, bye. How's it going? Hi, I'm good. How are you doing?

Good, what's your name? My name is Tina and I'm 34. Hi, Tina, how can I help? Well, I'm good. How are you doing? Good. What's your name? My name is Tina and I'm 34. Hi, Tina. How can I help? Well, I've been listening to you for the last six months or so. And you always mention things talking about low energy. And recently I realized maybe that's what's, I don't want to say wrong with me, but I feel like over the last 10 years, I've thought, am I just super shy? Like nothing impresses me. Like my

reactions kind of seem fake to a lot of things. So I'm just kind of wondering, am I low energy? What is low energy? Is low energy bad? Should I try and change myself somehow? Just what do you think about that? So what makes you think you're low energy? So since I listen to your podcast all the time, I think like we have a lot of similar personality traits, which nothing wrong with that. But I'm just like thinking that maybe that's my reason that I'm not overly, I don't easily get impressed when someone is excited about something.

I'm like, yeah, okay, that's cool. But inside I'm happy for them. But what I present to the outside is like very like just like like i said baseline and almost like comes off as negative yeah yeah okay i mean yes that i would describe that as low energy uh often um i don't know if you watch the bachelorette but like greg's low energy um if you're watching that and again that's yeah it's just kind of a more of a, you know, not too high, not too low. Right. Especially. And I'm assuming, so have you always been like that? I think so.

Like I think I'm just like super depressing to be around now that I'm like, so in my head about it now, like anytime that someone's like, well, are you sure you're excited about it? And I'm like, I think so. And so I'm like, should I change myself? Like, like should i i feel like i need to like drug myself almost to like have any kind of reaction you know i need to be drinking just out of curiosity when you so you say you listen to this podcast you've heard me talk about being low energy and that knowledge almost made you feel worse not better it didn't make me feel worse i think it made me kind of get into my own head a lot more when those situations were happening so i think it's a good thing

to be able to point out like what i think is going on so that i can work on it have you been described oh i'm sorry go ahead no it's okay have you been described as like stand office stand office or a bitch or a jerk at any point in your life yeah i mean yeah like anytime anyone meets me they're like oh my god i thought you were the biggest bitch when i first met you and i'm like no i'm just like super shy yeah um but when you get to know me like i'm super weird and funny and just like it's a completely different person as to who i present in in the social world um like at work i'm fine i can charm my way into things, but when I'm put into a situation

outside of my comfort zone, I come off as the most boring, weird person that's ever lived. All right. So once you have had this kind of realization about yourself, have you done anything about it? Have you made adjustments

in various situations or not? I try. Honestly? I try. Honestly, I try. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go into this situation and I'm going to be the best version of myself. And then I leave it. And I'm like, holy fuck, I came off as like even more of a bitch. So I don't know. Like, I mean, obviously therapy is a thing and I've tried it before in the past.

Not about this. But yeah, I don't really know. Yeah. I don't personally, I don't think you need to like, why did you call? I don't know. I don't need to get there. I don't think you need to get therapy because you realize you're low energy processing that awareness. Right. And again, like if you just kind of had this realization about yourself, that might be a lot to kind of realize to, to, to be like, yeah, I've always been like, I don't know why people sometimes will say this about me that I've come off as standoffish. And I don't know why, because I know there's definitely moments where

I can be high energy and I can have a lot of fun, but like, I, you know, as I've said, like my, my last, my laughs don't come cheap, you know, like, I don't know. I don't, I, I don't have it in me to like belly laugh at dad jokes, you know, and other people might like sincerely think they're funny. I don't, you know, I might even just give a, that's pretty good. Um, and for me, that's just like, I'm, I'm comfortable with that about myself. Right. At the same time time i have now recognized being aware of my low energy and how that can come off i try to be more mindful when i'm in certain situations and i totally empathize and and get your point of view where like you go in

knowing like i should probably step it up a little bit, you know, and then that situation will come and go and I'll be in my head and be like, oh, fuck, I like kind of just decided to do me. Listen, it's a skill. It's not something that comes naturally to you, right? Like your resting state is one of low energy. I don't think you need to run from that, apologize for it, try to change who you are. You just need to get better at practicing being a little higher energy in social situations where it calls for that. You need to be better at just showing an interest in people.

Do you ask a lot of questions when you are in social settings of people? No. I think because I'm an only child, everything has always been about me. And so as an adult, I'm 34, I'm 35, I have a child, I have a business. Like I'm saying, in those situations,

I ask questions and I'm great, but in social settings somehow it's always redirected all about me and i don't really enjoy that and i try to like redirect the conversation um but maybe i'm just not asking the right questions or it's feeling like an interview type thing i don't know i don't know i have a lot to work on you probably enjoy it more than you like to admit you know know, like, I don't think you, you know, you probably safe to say you like attention and that's okay. And I understand the idea of liking attention and liking to talk about yourself all while

simultaneously at times getting uncomfortable or are uncomfortable talking about yourself, especially in social settings where you don't know everyone because you're like i don't why should i tell you why should i tell a stranger about me but also i do like talking about myself i think you should really just practice asking questions um of people that you don't know and are just meeting and show a genuine interest in them that's a great way to make people feel special and make people feel like you like them without like being all excited uh all the time it's just so weird because i work i can do it i can do it like i can put on a show and i can like everyone loves me but

it's like outside of that world you have a weird but you're doing a job and at work and you have a rapport with people and you're talking about going into a party and doing that. You don't have any motivation. It's not your job. It doesn't come naturally to you. So I... Yeah, that's true. You just work on it. Again, I do think asking a lot of

questions around that um yeah i mean observe some of your friends who are more extroverted and what they're doing but i i do think you should be comfortable and not apologize for who you are all while working on on the things you have to work on um i don't don't try to be someone you're not and yeah you have to give yourself some patience a little bit but i think having this realization for the first time and your whole life is a good first step and then you just sometimes just and then now now that you know that about yourself you can sometimes say that you can sometimes even acknowledge it yeah kind of an icebreaker be like honestly i'm sorry i'm just kind of i hate this about my kind of self-deprecating jokes and things like that but as long as you just show an

interest in people that'll get it will go a long way to you know small talk what do you do what brings you here talk about this party that you're at mention that you're awkward i don't know like i know it's crazy it's like i'm 34 and i'm dealing with this so i i think you know thank you for opening my eyes to this i didn't know it was a thing and it makes me feel better knowing that other people kind of feel this way and that i'm not like mentally unwell that's how i kind of feel sometimes there's a lot of low energy people a lot of low energy people are attracted to other low energy people there's a ton of low energy people out there uh and again like that might be those you consider that introverts too right because out in social situations they don't want to you know they respond to stimulation differently

um yeah so you probably have some introverted characteristics as we've learned by talking about introverts and extroverts like half the world is introverts you're not alone by being uh someone who is a little bit more low energy um so again be careful how much you try not to be yourself and apologize for who you are but just get better at practicing a little bit about if you're going to go out and socializing and remembering people's names and focus on not. And when you talked about like how sometimes the conversation always ends up coming back around to me. Well, at some point you're allowing that, right? It's very easy to turn the conversation away from you by being very brief with your answers about yourself and immediately asking them a follow-up questions about themselves.

Like, so you can control that more than you like to admit. So get, that's a skill you can definitely learn. Yeah. I think too, sometimes it's like, I just,

I hate faking emotions or like reactions. So it's like when we're talking about them and they're like, Oh, here's a picture of my daughter. And like, yeah, I trust me. I,

I, you know, it's like, I relate. Okay. Like I know exactly what you're talking about. It like oh it's a cute kid great you know yeah but they're not like oh my god it's the best looking kid ever you know like and i feel like when i act like that then i'm acting even more fake um so yeah it's just this like i'm in my head and it's like i always have like 57 thoughts a song playing and something else going on in my head like like while I'm in these situations. So it's like very fast moving on the inside,

but the outside is like, I hear you. I trust me. I totally get it. I get everything you're saying. Yeah. Listen, I don't think giving off a little bit more like,

Oh, really beautiful kid. That's really, wow. You're really lucky. Is you being fake just because you have to tell yourself to give a little more umph because like you're saying it's not that you don't think it's a good looking kid you just don't feel the need to go on and on and on and on and on so like it's not being fake to

give a little bit more emotion energy even though that doesn't come naturally to you true true right um yes again give yourself grace. It's going to take time. It is not something that comes naturally to you. Yeah. And you are going to be attracted and connect with some low energy people as well. And there's a lot of people out there. Just find

those people at parties. Yeah. I mean, luckily I'm engaged and I have great relationship and I do have a few close friends. So it's good in that regard. But just everywhere else in life, I just kind of feel like I would be, you know, I would like to just kind of branch out more. So I think small changes like in my life with with health and stuff, I make weekly changes, you know, because if you try and change everything at once, it's not going to work. changes you know because if you try and change everything at once it's not going to work so maybe i'll make a list of like what i can try and change weekly or monthly with asking more questions being more redirective to those people rather than conversation coming back yeah focus on you know read books and stuff on how to be more present you know good like you said you're in your head

you're overthinking things and that is going to come across as aloof and dismissive. Yeah. So, you know, look at that, you know, a little, you know, any tricks or exercises that help you be more present, you know, obviously you probably, you know this, but you know, stay off your phone. Oh yeah. That's going to come across. Drink more. I'm friendly when I drink. Yeah, because it loosens you up a little bit because it does,

you're talking about something that doesn't come naturally to you so absolutely all right well thank you so much for taking my call no problem best of luck you're gonna be just fine thank you so much all right take care thank you okay bye how's it going it's going good i'm sarah and i'm 23 and i'm from texas how can i help sarah i'm calling in regards to a friend that is a guy and I met him in a friend group and we didn't really know each other that well. And then we hung out briefly before he moved and I kind of just thought we would stop talking as friends

because we really didn't know each other that well where I thought the friendship would survive the distance. And we ended up still talking on and off and then he came back home in May and we hung out and I don't know I kind of thought maybe it could be more than friends and now in a couple months I'm going to a festival where he will also be there and I don't know if i should just like go for it and like pursue him as more than a friend or just keep the friendship so like you're going to like a like a concert festival like yes like stagecoach or something uh summer fest oh in milwaukee Nice. I'm from Milwaukee. My first girlfriend at Summerfest.

Oh, God. So, like, are you still talking right now? Yes. So you are? Okay. Yes. Just as friends, like, on and off. Like, you know, like a friend that lives across the country. Do they live in Milwaukee?

Yes. No, Madison in Milwaukee? Yes. No, Madison. Madison, okay. And why are you going to this festival? Did they invite you? It was kind of a mutual thing. You were like, but it was like, hey, there's this thing called Summerfest,

you should come. And you're like, I love festivals totally. Are you going by yourself? Are you going with a group of friends? I'm going by myself. Okay, to hang out with him. And the festival. totally are you going by yourself are you going with a group of friends i'm going by myself okay to hang out with him and the festival yeah i don't doubt you're going to go see music i get it have you guys hooked up no no have you kissed anything no nothing nothing well and but you

would like you like them yeah yeah okay great that's good to say um you've heard me probably say stuff like this before i you're not friends you're friendly you've been acting like friends but from your point of view you're not like friends if you went to this festival and and you're like you know we're friends we're festival and you're like, you know, we're friends, we're friends. And you're like, I want to, you know what? Let's say you decided you didn't call. You're just like, I don't want to ruin a good thing. We're friends.

We're cool. We're totally friends. And you went to this festival and he met up with another girl, brought a girl and started making out with her, how would you feel? I would just go enjoy the festival by myself. Oh, you wouldn't feel anything? Okay. You would feel nothing.

You'd be like, oh, okay, cool. Nothing. Maybe a little. There's no wrong answer. I think it's just, these are questions you should ask yourself. These are questions we ignore or we don't ask ourselves.

These are questions we want to pretend we can be chill and we can pretend we don't care and i don't doubt that you love music and you would go and still have a great time but that doesn't mean you wouldn't care if he treated you like a bro and you two were each other's wingman and wing girl and you went around and like met up with chicks i mean concerts and festivals are a great place to like meet hook up and meet random people and i'm just saying like you should ask yourself would i care i don't know especially when you're trying to wonder if you know is it worth it to you so asking how much you care about if something were to happen that's quite realistic you know how much would it bother you you know i think it's important question to ask when you guys are talking how much are you

flirting is he flirting with you like how often does he reach out to you who reaches out to who more i think it's pretty equal has he ever asked you who you're dating no he has never asked you about romantic questions no okay that's we've never neither have i why don't you ask him because i i know he's not with anybody like i don't i know i'm confident like i don't i know i'm confident okay and would you ask like when you talk to your girlfriends like do you ask them about their dating life yeah yeah even the ones who are single yeah okay why don't you ask him because i don't want to i don't i don't want to ruin the friendship by like stepping over it and then it making the trip weird so yeah so like the big question i was gonna kind of just i guess play the waters there okay that's how it went that is an option you

know because you are going you know to this festival you're you know you're traveling all right where are you guys staying i booked my own hotel okay smart for myself okay um and then was asked if he could stay with me he asked or you asked he asked you're gonna so you booked your own hotel and he's going to stay with you yeah yeah okay do you think there's a chance he likes you? Do you have any idea or you're completely unsure? I think there's a chance. Okay. Well, you are sharing a hotel room.

Is this hotel room going to have two queens or a king? Yes, two. I made sure. You made sure. Did you guys talk about that at all? No. Don't, okay. I just wanted there to be the option if we're just

friends we have our own bets yeah well like i said i don't think you're just friends because just friends could talk about these things super easily they wouldn't be worrying about messing something up because there's nothing to mess up because we're just friends right right uh how how old is he 23 oh he's your age. Okay. Yeah, I think if you care more about, like if you're like, I definitely no matter what want to go to this concert and I don't want it to be awkward and fun, you can pass it off.

You can push it out and you can keep doing what you're doing and probably have a good time. Knowing that, it's potent. You might be leaving the door open to be disappointed if you know we've you know there's a lot of stories of uh women in your shoes who are like i'm pretty sure he might like me but i'm not really sure and they didn't ask themselves

these questions only for to be totally surprised the fact that like i like he literally brought a girl and i could not like i mean i know we were friends but like what the fuck we were going and sharing a hotel room and these guys would be like well i mean i don't know we're just friends and so like it's like you could be leaving your door open for being really upset about a situation even though you tell yourself i'll just go enjoy the concert and i don't doubt that you will, but like you will be enjoying it alone or either with this guy you kind of like

who's making out with this girl in front of you, possibly. I don't think it's going to happen, but it's possible it's happened before. So by not addressing it before the concert, you are leaving the door open for something like that to happen. If you do address it and he's like, well, I'm sorry, i don't feel that way about

you then you're right that could potentially make the trip awkward but as you say like are you prepared to tell him and have him not feel the same way and do you think you could handle that do you think you could yeah you do i think like a year ago me no but that's why i'm like i'm kind of i feel like i've grown a lot and i'm in the possibility to like make that move like i think i would with him the most have to be the one to initiate that and risk getting the most empowering thing you could do if you're interested in that answer is to bring it up before the concert put yourself out there to say i know we talk a lot and i know we're just friends but i like i definitely think of you as more than a friend at least i would you know i think the distance complicates it that's why i don't think it's ever been like okay right because we didn't

even have a strong friendship before he left fine worry about the distance like all you're you're not asking for a proposal you're not asking for life commitment like you're just like yeah can we maybe make out and get drunk and enjoy a show together and just like let's just worry about liking each other in the distance afterwards but like right now you guys are uh you're confident he's not dating anyone else you're talking on a regular basis you're building a relationship right now so a lot of things that would be required to maintain some sort of long-distance relationship you're already doing either way it doesn't change the fact that like the most empowering thing to for you to do is just put yourself out there if you

don't get the answer you want you're just like listen it needed to be said i wanted to say it i don't regret saying it but like i'm cool and i still want to come up and i'll be fine but like we're gonna go and have a fun concert and just be totally chill and chill about it like and that would probably just fuck them up even more um but that would be the most empowering thing you can do it would be totally okay if you're not there yet and it's it's a i think a harder proposition than a lot of people realize but that would be the most empowering thing you could do is address it now before summerfest happens and because it also while it's the riskiest it gives you the best possible outcome the best possible outcome is you go up to milwaukee you go to summerfest you guys have a fucking great weekend together you make out you know you enjoy some shows together and you have a little love

affair weekend and then you see like was it so great that it's worth making a long distance relationship work or was it like only like okay and we had a great weekend but i i don't know if a long distance relationship is really like all the work that's put into it like this was only pretty good it reminds you of like a bachelor date where it's just like a fantasy so you can have fun and not worry about anything sure but like right now you're like in limbo and in purgatory and you're you know i think the confusion of not knowing how you should treat him and what you actually are is going to make that weekend less fun than it could be. Yes, that's what I was thinking about

with the whole staying situation. So if you think you can handle being a little rejected and still have a good time, that would be the most empowering thing. And especially if you do get rejected and actually have a good time, that will 100% make you feel the most empowering thing and especially if you do get rejected and actually have a good time that will 100 make you feel the most empowered be like i got rejected and i was then i got over it and i recognize that like it's okay and i'm honestly like i like him but i'm not obsessed

with him i don't know if i'm like the idea of having a long distance relationship with him doesn't sound ideal i'm not desperate i just like him i just i don't know i just want to find out more yeah that's kind of where i'm at i'm not gonna like him more just because he rejected me you know yes then go to summerfest and there's gonna be a bunch of guys that you can meet and have a good time with yeah so that's what I think you should do. Okay. And just if you do put yourself out there, don't apologize. Don't make excuses. Don't say words like I kind of like you. Just be honest.

Just be totally honest and see what he says. Okay. All right. All right. I think this could go really well. My guess is based on what you're telling me, he must at least like you a little bit too. Okay. All right. All right. I think that this could go really well. My guess is, based on what you're telling me, he must at least like you a little bit too.

I mean, you're both 23. He's having a girl come up to a concert. He is spending the hotel. I think you guys are going to hook up. Call me crazy. But who knows? But it's definitely better off going in there with clarity what's that he's never had a girlfriend so what is he a virgin i don't know i haven't asked he's your friend you say he's your friend what what do you guys talk about

are similar things we like gardening plants well you have a month and a half to escalate these conversations so I think it'll be alright he's staying in a hotel with you at a music festival

okay I mean if that's not the recipe for a hookup I don't know what is alright well best of luck okay I mean if that's not the recipe for a hookup I don't know what is all right well best of luck let us know what happens thank you I will I'll call you guys in all right sounds good take care thank you all right bye bye

what a great episode don't forget to tune in tonight for our recap of the Bachelorette finale with me to times as well as bringing back uh either greg or justin probably justin we're not sure we'll see who we get but they'll be with us on wednesday