The Viall Files - E305 Ask Nick - Too Much Porn

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we begin with a woman whose boyfriend accidentally texted her porn which led to a serious discussion about porn and their relationship. Our second caller broke up with her boyfriend when his ego and lack of empathy for other people started to take a toll on their relationship. Next, we speak with a woman who was confused when she and her boyfriend stopped having sex and he kept coming up with excuses on why he did not want to be intimate. Now that they are broken up he is looking for closure but she has moved on and is wondering if she needs to give it to him. Our final caller started dating someone and he ended it with her saying that he works with one of her family members so it makes it too difficult to date. Is he just not into her? “No real relationship starts until you know how he is with you at his worst. ” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Beam: http://www.beamtlc.com/Viall If you want better sleep and better days delivered every month, subscribe to dream for awesome perks like free delivery and 35% off your first month. Ritual: http://www.ritual.com/VIALL Ritual offers a money-back guarantee if you’re not 100% in love. Plus, our listeners get 10% off during your first 3 months. Headspace: http://www.headspace.com/VIALL FREE ONE-MONTH TRIAL with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files I am your host Nick joined by the delightful team of Chrissy Alley and Amanda I hope you're all had a great weekend and you're enjoying your Monday. Maybe it's Tuesday. I'm not sure what day you guys have finally given us a chance, but we appreciate you tuning in.

Once again, we want to thank everyone who voted for the Vile Files for the podcast People's Choice Awards for nominating the Vile Files for top podcasts under the society and culture category. And me as top male host so thank you couldn't do it without you guys uh we'll let you know if we win uh also we certainly

appreciate your uh reviews because sometimes when people watch the bachelor and they don't like our takes we get some bad reviews so why don't you guys give us some i mean whatever fuck it i'm just gonna say it the dedicated vi-fi's let's hear from you i don't know why people when they don't agree with us decide to like review the show but hey i understand people are passionate i respect it but boy could we use some some five stars is there anything else we got a great show for you obviously as always um bachelor in paradise is coming back bachelor in paradise we are back tomorrow with Bachelor in Paradise. And we have more great guests for you. Yeah, we got some great shows coming for you.

Thanks for listening. As always, welcome if you're tuning in for the first time. And let's get to our callers. How's it going good how are you great what's your name i am sarah 28 hi sarah what can i do so recently um i was out of dinner and i was getting a ton of texts from my boyfriend and uh when i got out of dinner with my grandmother, just going to say that, I looked at my phone and there were a ton of texts.

And the first one was a picture of a porn star on Instagram. Male or female porn star? Female. Okay. Female. And then after that, there was a text that said wow wrong thing meant to something else and then after that sent three crying laughing emojis and like still i had not

seen this like he was just sending me all these texts like oh my god what did i just do um so he was spirals he made a mistake sent you something that he meant to send to like a buddy. No, he meant, so he tried to send me a link from Instagram that was an ad, but he sent me what he was actually on and not the ad. So he was trying to send me some little game. Gotcha. And then instead. Sent you a female porn star.

Right. And then panicked, started spiraling. You're at female porn star. Right. And then panicked, started spiraling. You're at dinner with grandma. Yeah. He doesn't know that per se. He doesn't know what you're doing. No, he knew that. He didn't know that.

So he knew you were at dinner. Either way, you're not responding. And so he starts spiraling and starts sending more and more stuff. Right. He said later that he didn't want me to open up the text um in front of my grandmom he was like trying to flood it so that i didn't just open this up and just see some girls well it was instagram so like was this person naked i don't it was a it was a link to instagram that was um some girl showing her tits. So she was nude?

Yes. But it was on Instagram. Anyway. Yeah. Who was the porn star? I don't know. You don't know? I don't know.

No. And then what happened? Yeah, so I didn't respond to his texts. I called him after dinner dinner and he did not even bring it up. Didn't bring up the whole mishap, um, until a little bit later, like five minutes in. And he was like, uh, so do you want to talk about that? And I was just like, honestly, I don't know like how to feel, how to talk about it right now. Like if you want to just, maybe we should just like sit on it and like talk about it when i feel a little better all right so he texts you

lol whoops wrong thing then sweat like a sweaty face emoji density tried sending me a picture of something else then wow okay so like he he didn't give away anything too much all right so then he wanted to talk about it you were just like you you kind of said no basically i mean i i just felt a little uncomfortable talking about it like right then i didn't know how i was feeling so valid i didn't want to get mad if i wasn't really mad okay um so where are we now yeah yeah we talked later about it And he said, he was getting kind of defensive saying like, what do you not want me to watch porn? And I was like, that's not what I'm saying. Like, I don't have an issue with you watching that. I just like, you know, if it's healthy, it's fine. But I just want to know if it's unhealthy. So I asked him, you know, how often he does. And

it was like twice a week. And then I asked him how many how often he does and it was like twice a week and then i asked him how many porn stars he follows on instagram and he said probably too many okay honest doesn't feel great yeah um i'm just thinking out loud here like yeah i feel like him following any porn stars on Instagram is more aggressive than how much he watches porn. Can I – any opinions on that? Yeah. I mean, what I don't like is when he's scrolling through Instagram, like we're hanging out at the house, scrolling through Instagram, and then I look over and I see a naked lady. Yeah. I mean i minus even that but like you know if you watch the bachelor right and you're just like i watch the bachelor

and i follow it's an entertaining tv show there's a it's a different type of fan who like follows me right and thank you by the way for anyone who follows me but they're just more into it than the casual fan who's just like i don't't know, I just watch it because I just like watching people cry over, you know, love. And the fact that he follows porn stars on Instagram would suggest that he is, it's more than him just, you know, putting on some porn when he masturbates, you know, and using it as a little bit of a visual stimulation and but now he's he's following them as fans he's following you know he follows their life

whatever that life might be right to me that's like a it's a little next level i don't know i mean i'm not saying it's just like crazy or like all of a sudden he's the worst but it would suggest that he is more invested in them than you well would would want personally um yeah and what did you say to that what next he said that he um wanted to start unfollowing people but Instagram has a cap on how many people you can unfollow a day. I've heard that's true. I think that's true. They will lock your account.

Yeah. So how many people does he, how many? That, that was my biggest thing was like, how many do you have to unfollow? I think you're going to unfollow four, bro. You know, like, I think it's like, you have to follow like 20 in a row for them to be like, maybe you got hacked yeah so he um he said that he'd already been thinking and we had talked about this topic like before he has two instagrams one for personal and one for his business and so he has always

talked about like just getting rid of his personal one because It's got like just way too much crap on it. And then he said that like now seems like the right time to delete it. And then last week he deleted it. And then, and now where are we at? I just don't know how to feel about it. Like I don't feel resolved from it. I don't,

it just feels kind of weird that it just ended with him yeah this is an interesting out his instagram this is an interesting question because a lot of guys watch porn right uh your husband certainly isn't the only one to follow porn stars or be fans of them certainly he's not the only married guy and i'm not saying it's okay your boyfriend sorry okay your boyfriend but there's plenty of husbands who do that too, right? Yeah. When it comes to recovery, performance, immunity, and feeling less stressed, sleep is everything.

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less scary? Ritual offers a money back guarantee if you're not 100% in love. Plus, my listeners get 10% off during your first three months. Just visit ritual.com slash V-I-A-L-L and add essential protein today. That's ritual.com slash V-I-A-L-L. You know, this is one of those cases where I think it's really important. You want to be careful. Both of you want to be careful. You have the right to have a feeling towards this. He made this mistake and kind of outed himself. And well, you know, not super great. And you have a right to be upset. It doesn't mean immediately he's a bad guy or that he has some sort of like obsession or addiction to porn, right? If you're asking me, it seems like he

is trying his best to make it right, whether he's effectively doing that or not, but it could be worse, right? There was a little bit of defensiveness at first or do you not want me to watch porn and that came from a place of him being defensive the best response would have been like i'm embarrassed i'm ashamed uh you have the right to be upset let me know when you want to talk about it and we can talk about it like that would have been the perfect response from him yeah right we often don't give the perfect response in the moment but that would have been the perfect response and then whenever you were ready then you guys sit down and be like let's talk about it but you know you guys do need to address it and talk about it i do think he's like again like he at least he's you know do you trust

him that he is in fact unfollowing it and he's not like lying to you about unfollowing it just to cover all our bases yeah i yeah i've been doing some sleuthing oh so you don't necessarily trust him but you've been backing i just wanted to make sure i think i often uh like look for anything wrong in a relationship yeah sure just like want to peace out and so i just wanted to you know well the got all my eyes yeah the best way to help have trust in a relationship i have found is to not invalidate feelings right now that doesn't give someone permission to lie, but it definitely does encourage people to lie if they feel like their feelings will be invalidated, right? If they feel like their partner will just get mad and shame them and yell at them for the things they do and say, people will have a tendency of lying. And again, I want to repeat, I don't think that's an excuse

to lie, but it does happen often right so this is one of those things i think it's really important for you guys to work through and talk and not brush on the rug the good news and again the good news is i again is that he is at least not making this a fight and fighting with you about it so as long as the best way to figure out whether he's going to do this is to not necessarily tell him how dirty he is or make him feel like he's a creep for doing this etc etc and again because you know right or wrong or but this is a common thing not an uncommon thing for for guys to you know the porn industry is a billion dollar industry and it's not because there's like you know six fans out there

but i just think it's important for you guys to use this as like a benchmark to get better at you know talking through uncomfortable situations this is an uncomfortable situation for the both of you yeah he's uncomfortable because he kind of got outed and he feels a little ashamed and maybe dirty you feel uncomfortable because you're just like bro like come on man like how's that supposed to make me feel um and just talking through this is probably how you're going to get through it so my point of saying is like this the situation's not over because you don't feel like you're you still have questions you're still calling in so how can you go about it where you can talk with him in a place where you make let you let him know that like i i just i want to talk through this i'm not mad at you i'm not judging you i know

this happens a lot you make him feel safe that he can be honest with you and try not to judge him because like whether you like you you have the right to be like i don't know i don't know this changes things and you know if you want to regular them fine like you can do what you want but shaming him isn't going to get you anywhere and making him feel creepy or weird isn't going to get you anywhere and it might bring out the worst in him. Also, like you can just be like, Hey, if I were you, here's what I would do.

I would say maybe even out of nowhere, just like, you know, I know that was weird probably for both of us, but I just want to thank you for, um, deleting it and, um,

and going out of your way to try to make me feel comfortable with this. And so thank you. Like, I think start there in a place of appreciation for what he did and not focus on what he didn't do or did in the past. And then say, you know, it does still bother me a little bit because, you know, it makes me feel a little insecure, right? And I get that you probably weren't even trying to do that. And I don't know how you feel about it, but can say because sometimes i always get a little uncomfortable when some

when someone overreacts too much to fix a problem like he's deleted everything and it's just like yeah you know like it you know i'm i don't know if it has he been like i'm never watching porn again or anything like that you know because clearly you're not yeah uh so you just say listen also i get that you watch porn and i get that it's a normal thing so i don't want you to again i just don't want you to feel like i think you're weird it just made me feel like it was a little aggressive for you to follow a lot so like i just i'm glad we can talk about these things and i hope we can talk about in the future i mean because i don't think this is like the end of the world thing and i and i and you could have easily have

not found out and there's a plenty of boyfriends and husbands out there you know whether they're and you know just because he's following it you know there's a lot of guys who don't follow porn stars but well that but but visit their pages so to speak you know just because he's not following them they're not following them doesn't mean they're not aware that they exist and they pop on there and check it out and admire or look or whatever. So I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it. I would just leave the door open for further discussion when you want to talk to him about it. And when you do, it's just important to not make him feel judged or shame for a mistake he made.

And then if you, and listen, at the end of the day, if you feel like there is a real problem, if he's like addicted or something like that, and it bugs you too much, then you have a right to leave. But the only way to get through this is to continue to talk about it and keep the conversations. And the best way to do that is to make sure that you both can come from a place where you're just acknowledging each other's feelings. You, you, you acknowledging you're not perfect. You acknowledge that you've made mistakes and that let him try to explain to you how he because the way you if you don't make him feel judged for anything then that's get that sets you up to get the most honest response of why he did what he did why he was thinking what he thought because he's not worried about you reacting immediately and he's got to allow you

to process he's got to allow you to feel some disappointment or even get angry but you're just going to like okay it's hard to hear but all right you know and then you can tell him how you feel and he's got to give you that same respect you give him and it's it's hard to do and you know i haven't always had that in relationships, but making the other person feel safe for feeling whatever they're feeling is a great place to start. And I do think overall, it sounds like he's at least trying to do the right thing. You just have to go to a place where you trust him and you don't have to sleuth for your own peace of mind. And that's okay that you did, but maybe that's something you talk about with him

because it rattled you. Hey, it rattled me. I'm human. It affected me. Here's how it affected me. It affected, I just, we've talked about this before in the podcast. You found out, not by him saying,

hey, by the way, I follow porn stars, which would be a weird thing to say anyways, but you found out he kind of got caught. And when you catch someone, then that makes your brain go what else haven't i caught it's just a natural place your brain goes so talk about that and and seeing how he reacts is always a great place to see how you can get through things but i do think the good news is he could have reacted much worse. Yeah. So I think that's good.

It's that's definitely something that I needed to hear and how to speak to him effectively. Yeah. I, uh, if he's doing good things, whatever they are, even if it's the smallest thing, acknowledge that first,

especially if you do appreciate it. If it made you feel good that he unfollowed you say thank you that meant a lot thank you you know yeah if he acknowledged that maybe he did too much then you make sure you acknowledge that that doesn't let him off the hook per se it doesn't mean you have things that you know it doesn't mean you can't bring it up again but just make sure you know uh there is an acknowledgement there and the more he feels like he can be honest with his feelings without being shamed for them the honesty he'll be i love that yeah i think i have a hard time uh i'm getting through all the little things because all the little things bother me but i think i just need to get over it and realize that he's actually a good a good dude and yeah but just the final thought just it's okay to still question it and talk

about it yeah you know and as long as you guys can talk and it's okay for you to say i love that you're like i now's not the best time for me but like it'll be okay just give me some time to process and yeah and things like that and he's got to give you that respect too and it's the other way around all right thanks all right best of luck i'll tell you what i need to meditate the fuck out of myself after this log week and headspace is gonna help me do. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditation in an easy-to-use app. Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research. So,

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right now. Head to bedspace.com slash V-I-A-L-L today. How's it going? Hi, my name is Victoria and I'm 25. Hi, Victoria. How can I help? So I've been dating this guy for about eight months now. We broke up two months ago just for like a week and then we got back together.

How long are you dating for? Sorry, you threw a lot of time on me. About eight months. Okay. And then you broke up for how long? Just a week. Okay. All right.

Sorry. Yeah, got back together. And like so far it's been a lot better. Why did you guys break up and who broke up with who? I broke up with him. Over? And I was just like getting a lot of red flags. And for about half of the time that we started getting together was just like

really Rocky. What were the red flags? Well, he, he's a resident doctor. Okay. So he's like pretty pretentious. Like,

I don't know if it's just like the culture with like people starting to become like doctors but they i don't know he had like a pretty big ego he doesn't really treat customer service people well and like i don't know i'm just like super nice about to them so so he's a little arrogant and dismissive yeah so that was an evidence he's also not very like um affirming he doesn't really like to validate people who are insecure and he like even says like he has a problem with that so he just so he recognizes that yeah and but he doesn't want to fix it because he doesn't think it's a problem oh so he's like i do that but like i don't see that as an issue yeah okay exactly so like i will yeah for sure i feel like if you're a mature person you'd be willing to do that for your

partner so you broke up with him because of the some of these red flags yeah and then he didn't think he should do anything about it. Why did you guys get back together? Well, we talked about it and he said he was like willing to try. And that's like all I really wanted him was like the will. Like you just have to be willing to like change. And then we'd like see how it goes. And so how's it going? Because so my question is like, first you said, well, he doesn't really see it as a problem and

then he he said he's at least willing to try and i guess the big question is is so far since you've been back together does that willingness end up being genuine or do you just say it to get back together um i don't know i like i think he's willing but he just like doesn't know if he can actually do it because I mean that's his person yeah I mean I don't know who this guy is and he's a doctor he's smart and that's that's bullshit I mean it might not come naturally to him like you've heard me talk about this like my girlfriend is so present and so nice and so like she is just great with people, like customer service wise.

Like she's just always like, how was your day? Like she's asking people how their day was. I don't do that. Cause I'm like, you know, me, I'm thinking my authentic self, I guess doesn't care about how their day is going. I guess I hope it's fine, but I don't care enough to ask, right?

And she's just so like nice about that, right? And it doesn't come naturally to me but i still have taken notes from her and recognize like i could and should do better and i've always been fine but i've been at times i know i've come across as dismissive to like people in line or i might be on my phone and i'm just like oh yeah black large coffee or something right but i recognize to me that's not necessarily a great thing and my point of saying all this is like i can work on that i can you know what i'm saying like that's not a hard skill to like be more empathetic i've become way more empathetic since i even started this podcast

you know what i'm saying like i said i've been more empathetic since i got a dog or a girlfriend because i see people and it's important to her and therefore becomes important to me. And then I'm like, I see how people react to her and I see how she brings things out in people. And I go, wow, that's really great. And something doesn't come natural to me, but wow, I want to work on that. And then I do it.

Like, of course he can do it if he gives a shit. But the thing is, he doesn't. He doesn he gives a shit but the thing is he doesn't he doesn't give a shit like he i know but i'm saying when you say i don't know he's i don't know because you're you're questioning his ability to do it and i'm saying you're not you're not holding him accountable enough you're you're you're being way too generous with his lack of ability to do something if he cared enough yeah so he just doesn't care to do it correct i think that's my issue yeah it's valid but is that is that a deal breaker potentially yeah i don't he says that when he was my age because he's like a little bit older

he's 32 okay he said he was a lot i know but like he was a lot more empathetic. And he's like, as you grow older, you start to care less about like making people feel good and like being polite. Yeah, but that's bullshit, you know, and I get what he's trying to say. And I understand that as I've gotten older, I have been able to better prioritize things that matter. And I recognize I've gotten more comfortable with being myself at the risk of not everyone liking me. Right? That's great. That's true. You get older, you become more comfortable. You're not constantly worried about making everyone happy. And so you're just your most genuine self. That is not an excuse to be a dick. And so you're just your most genuine self.

That is not an excuse to be a dick. And often people will use this like, I'm more comfortable in my own skin and I don't need everyone to like me as some sort of excuse to like, you know, be a dick sometimes. And again, it might not come naturally to him and he's never gonna probably be as good as you. But this like, I don't think it's a problem

and I'm not, like all you're asking just to be clear is just a little bit of consideration for the people around him yeah just a little bit of kindness and my guess is is that a little would go a long way for you yeah exactly just to see him trying yeah and and not even trying doing it How hard is it to be like, hey, ask how this person's day is going? I know. That's like why it's so like, you know, take a moment, get your head out of your phone and say, thank you. That was really nice of you. Thank you. That really like thanks for making my day to whatever customer service person. And again, these are little things that like I empathize with your boyfriend. It's not at my worst. I can be your boyfriend. This idea that he can't or it's not important and that even if he tries, he might not be able to do it is total bullshit because he's a doctor. It's not that hard to like give the smallest amount of shits and like i'm sure as a doctor it's going to be tough dealing with patients and having to deliver bad news and you have to

like be disconnected and i fine i mean whatever there are really empathetic and kind doctors and there are doctors who are you know narcissistic and and and assholes to their patients you know which one does he want to be and as someone who wants to be his girlfriend, you have the right to say, I want to be with someone with a heart. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like even with his patience,

he wants to be kind, but then I'm like, is it fake? Because I'm like, you really don't care about other people in general. So I don't know. Well, I mean, whether it's fake or not like he doesn't even sound like he wants to try yeah he like does minimal effort like that is

his personality he doesn't like to try and like a lot of things he just rather do like the easiest you know because you could call me fake by you know going grocery shopping and then when i'm at the checkout and i i have this thought about like you know now he now he does this i'm like hey how's your day going and i just ask the person and i'm gonna be honest i don't give a shit i don't really care how their day is going i guess if i you know in the truest sense of like i hope they say well and i guess if they say real shitty i'm about to lose my job i'd be like oh, oh, fuck. Now I feel so bad. How can I help? But what I'm saying is I'm asking because I want to make them feel like I noticed them. I want to acknowledge that they're helping me. So me asking them how their day is going isn't about actually literally caring about their day and wanting to hear like what they had for breakfast and what

they had for lunch. It's just acknowledging their existence in a world where our heads are buried in our phones. And again, I'm not great at this, but the idea that he can't and is unable to is not true. He doesn't care enough to try it's that simple right and yeah that's why i feel like our relationship has just been like stagnant even after we got back together like our whole relationship has never been like going up and up it's just like i feel like our feelings don't grow because i have these red flags and i'm just i I don't want to like, yeah. I mean, you, you broke us up. Yeah. Cause you broke up with them for justifiable reasons and then got back

together with him because you second guessed how justifiable you were to hold them accountable. Yeah. Yeah. And well, basically like convince me that he could me that he could try more. Sure. But since then, he hasn't, right?

He has in some ways. The customer service thing, sure. I can get over that. Whatever. As long as it's not me that he's doing that to. I mean, how much of he is he a dick to people? He's he's thrown little fits. Like when he doesn't get what he wants, like at a restaurant.

Oh, like in public? In public where I've like actually wanted to apologize to the server. Does he, is he killing the messenger? Like sometimes where it's just like, you know, it's not the server's fault. Oh, for sure. Like no more seats because it's COVID. Oh God. Oh, God. Stuff like that. He sucks.

See, I was scared you were going to say that. At some point. I know. Well, here's the thing. At some point, you will be on the receiving end of that. Because right now, he's just not comfortable enough to do that with you. He's comfortable with them because they're not a part of his life. Someday. I feel like. When the relationship's stale and bored and you're just there and he just accepts that you're a part of his life when he's not afraid of you leaving like when you're his

wife and like you'd have to go through something as you know challenging and arduous as a divorce to leave, he's going to treat you like a commodity, just like he treats them like one. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing. He's like not, I'm such like a future person, like a planner and he's not. So he doesn't even see like when he would get married,

if he would have kids. Well, that's a whole nother thing. And that's like a separate thing. Yeah. Forget about that. It just sounds like kind of a. Too early on. Yeah.

I mean, if he's, if he is making a scene about, yeah, COVID, like, you know, whether you agree or whatever your politics are all that crap that people get into like a hostess you know saying i'm sorry we don't have any more tables it's like it's just a fucking messenger and he or she doesn't have the authority probably to seat them and yet your boyfriend makes a fucking stink out of it and even the manager who like is this like hey bro i don't know city fucking commission i don't know health codes what do you want me to fucking do and he apparently thinks he's above all that and has no problem embarrassing you or yourself and that's not getting in that's not gonna get better and everyone has their moments right everyone's been everyone's had their moments and so if you told me he did it a couple

times and you were like hey babe like what the fuck and he was like you know what i'm a little you're right that i was embarrassed like i yeah i was a dick yeah you're right then you know what then you chalk it up for you checking him and bringing out the worst you know uh he was being his worst self but like he at least recognizes that like that's not who he wants to be. But yet, no, it's the other end. He's just like, I don't know. I don't really see the problem in it. And that's that's a big red flag.

I mean, that's not good. He's not changing. He's not going anywhere. And the only reason you're not getting that right now is because he just doesn't feel comfortable enough to do it. True. So are you saying this isn't going to work? I don't like telling people what to do, but if I were you, I would totally break up.

I would trust your gut the first time. And he didn't really convince you. You gave in. You getting back together was you not listening to your gut. You went so far that you broke up with him, you getting back together was you not listening to your gut. Yeah. Like you went, you went so far that you broke up with them. And then he just said, just enough just to,

cause you don't want to break up with them. I get it. You, this thing's, you know, I mean, and even though I'm being hard on him right now, there's probably maybe a lot of things that make him pretty neat.

But, uh, this is not a small red flag. This is a behavior and a mindset and it's how he treats people and you are a person. And eventually he will treat you this way. And the only reason he hasn't yet is he kind of, he kind of already has,

there you go. And like, which is part of the reason we broke up. It will only get worse. Yeah. Eventually you'll be the person who takes it out on the most. The only reason he's not doing it now is that he's a, you know, you've done enough to have some power still.

And that power is like, I'll break up with you. Okay. Sorry. No, I know. You're young, you're good looking, you're better off. You almost landed a doctor, but you know what? So what? That's probably what he thinks too he's just his ego's huge give me reasons why you should stay with him i honestly like we enjoy our time together

but it's just like not a deep relationship it's like very shallow so i feel like i'm just like enjoying my time but like it could be wasting my time too well you know no i've said no real relationship starts until you know how he is with you at his worst and if you see him at his worst and you think to yourself i can't be in a relationship with that person. That's how you like seeing someone at their worst and how they handle that moment is a great indicator of how they are going to be with you at the worst. So even when they are at their worst and they act bad for them to say, fuck, yeah, no, yeah, I'm ashamed of how I acted and I can't go back and I can't change that. But I will I will work on it and get better give me a little bit of grace and a little time to work on it but i definitely will

and then you see some active changes but like someone just being dismissive and and arrogant and being like i i i'll try but i don't know if i'll be able to be nice like what the fuck is that you know what i'm saying like so that's great that you have fun together when he's at his best but like how they are at their worst and your ability to get through that is a better indicator of how long and how happy you will be in a relationship with him okay yeah that makes sense it's not what i want to hear but i kind of felt like I might have heard that. That's okay. Well, I mean, the choice is yours now.

And again, like, you know, I know you didn't want to hear it, but wouldn't you rather have an opportunity to find, I mean, there's plenty of people who are just, you know, that you can have fun with, you can enjoy a good time with, and not being embarrassed by him in public when he doesn't get his way. Yeah. And not be on the receiving end of that when he feels comfortable

enough to do that to you. True. All right. That makes sense. Don't let me down. Well, yeah, I'll think about it. I'll think long and hard about it. You're going to not take my advice for a couple months and then eventually you will is my guess. Well, it'll be in the back of my head for sure. All right. Well, let us know when you finally pull the plug. Okay.

All right. All right. Take care. Thank you so much. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? All right.

Good. How are you? I'm so good. What's your name? I'm Emery and I am 24. How can I help? I guess I'll start chronologically, if that makes sense. So I dated a guy for about two and a half years. And I think early in the relationship, I was definitely much more committed than he was. It was a good relationship. I mean, there was tons of great, but I was definitely not going to be the one that ended things with him.

So about a year before we broke up, we had slowed down. You were definitely not going to be the one who ended things with him. At the time, yes. What does that mean? Tell me about that mindset. I don't know. I would say like, I went into it. I was hesitant. I would never say like, I love more or anything like that, because there was some truth behind it. I felt if that makes sense. I don't know. He he was really good. He's a very logical and rational person. So

him being vulnerable and opening up and things like that, like I did not get a lot of that from him. And I was definitely more of the emotional one in the relationship. Although my past relationships, I'd been much more of the logical, like rational person. So this was, it was just a new experience for me because I felt like in the past I'd been the one completely in control. And in this relationship, I was definitely kind of at his will. You felt more vulnerable. Yes, 100%. So why did that mean you weren't going to be the one to end it?

That wasn't an honest... You mean that reflecting back? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I would have never thought that I would be the one to end. Like if it was going to end, it would have been him. It was never a consideration for me.

I have never even thought about it. Gotcha. Yeah. So about a year before we ended things, we had slowed down on intimacy quite a bit. And then about nine months before we broke up, we had stopped having sex altogether. So that was an indication to me that something was wrong. And yes, so I brought that up to him over the course of the year that, you know, it had slowed down and stopped. I brought it up to him about five times, which I hated bringing it up because I didn't want to

like emasculate him. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but also there was no solution. We weren't reaching anything. And so at that point I was like, okay, there's obviously something going on here. And he's either not being honest with me about it or whatever the issue is, like we've got to resolve it. There's something up if we you know aren't being intimate yeah so you're basically you say you were worried about emasculating him you didn't know if it was like maybe a psychological or biological thing going on for him that had nothing to do with you and you didn't want to make him feel self-conscious or you didn't know if he's like you know having sex with a bunch of chicks and cheating on you and and and et cetera, et cetera. Right. All right. Right. Right. So, um, I brought

that up to him five different times over the course, probably like every couple of months, whenever we would go without, I was like, all right, so what's up, what's going on? And I phrased it, you know, like, okay, what can I do? Is there anything I can do to fix it? And things like that. And I was met with five different excuses of what was going on and like I mean like are you being literal yes what are those excuses the first was that he was watching too much porn okay and the second was that he had been extremely stressed so even without porn he was just doing some stress relief on his own And I was doing that so often that it wasn't working when we were together. Okay.

And then let's see. The next was that I had told him earlier in the week or something that women only shower. But I showered every day, but I didn't wash my hair every day. Okay. And he was a very hygienic person. So he had told me that like that conversation grossed him out okay and so i was like okay i don't know i i have trouble believing that one um i mean they're all a bit suspect but yeah agreed uh because you can stop watching porn

you can stop jerking off masturbating less yes so i mean if even if that was a problem more i i started washing my hair every day like i'll do whatever i can to fix it yeah um yeah so that and then the fourth thing oh he looked at me and thought that i looked really good and i kept up on fitness and when he would look at himself it you know it uh made him feel insecure which that one maybe i was like okay that's a little bit more vulnerable that's a little bit more raw but i don't know which explain why your sex life stopped stopped i agree i completely agree okay um and yet so just so just to hear he during this time he wasn't like floating the idea of you guys breaking up he was just like no i still want to be with you also like just don't want to sleep with you right right um so i was just i was extremely confused smelly hair right that's it um so which we had you know i'd showered just as much in the year and a half prior when we were going like bunny rabbits you know but whatever uh that's a great point so you were having

pretty good consistent sex oh yeah yeah and it just okay so yeah the the last excuse was now it's just been so much time so there's so much pressure built up and he was worried so i i mean all that was going and i was just like, okay, you know, he was, a lot of it felt like more defense and rationalization rather than, um, we're going to move towards any resolution. Okay. And I never wanted to ask him, like, I would hate to be the person that's like, okay, well you can't masturbate until we have sex. Like that's crazy.

No, that is crazy. I don't know. Oh, but it's, yeah, you're right. It is crazy. But he tried to use that as an excuse as to why sex was not existing in your relationship so then he brings it and makes it fair game and you're still not saying you need to never masturbate but if you are masturbating so much that we can't have any sex then yes you need to make an adjustment completely agreed so that also just kind of pointed me in

the direction of evaluating the rest of our relationship. And then at this point, I was starting to get insecure, like, okay, you've got to be like screwing somebody else, like something, something's wrong. And so then I was kind of thinking about other parts of our relationship that I was like, well, does he do this in other areas? Like, have I just not noticed? Like, you know, I've, I've been so invested. I've been so in this. And, um, you know, I've realized like with my family, my family lives close by his family was spread out all over the East coast. And so I would ask him like, Hey, I'd like for you to kind of be around my family more. We've dated for two and a half years. I'd love for you to, I mean, in the two and a half years we dated, he probably spent three or four times with my family.

And I mean, my family's in the same town. So I just thought that that was crazy. Um, but he was like, well, uh, my family's all over and we can't have the same relationship, you know, with my family that I could have with yours. So I just want to make it even. And I was like, okay, that's still not a resolution to my problem though. You know, that's still a defense or rationalization for why you're behaving the way you are rather than sure. All right. So towards anything that's going to fix it. All right. So what happened? Yeah. Yes. All of that goes down. I start to just kind of think about all these things and I'm like, I don't want you know to be in this relationship and I had started about six months before I actually ended things I was

like okay maybe I can be the person who ends this relationship like I never thought that I'd be that person but I'm not happy I'm feeling insecure I like don't like this This is not what a relationship is. We're not moving towards anything. I would like to get laid. So yeah, I decided that I was toying with the idea of breaking up. We'll see if anything else changes. And I wanted to be sure. So I did spend about six months thinking about it. I wouldn't really bring up any problems to him.

I just kind of was getting apathetic towards towards that relationship it took you six months to yeah yeah well and then you broke up with him yes um the last straw was i told him that i wanted to move to a larger city to you know get a, a more successful job than what I could get in my town. Okay. Yeah. You wanted to invest in yourself and you were willing to take a risk. Right. Okay. Right. And he told me, this was the first time that I had noticed like, How old is this guy? That it was, he's also 24. Okay.

But he's also 24. Okay. He had told me that I would be probably unhappy and unsuccessful in a larger city. He has no idea. Right. So that was the first time that I was like, oh, now you're telling me things about me. It's not even that you're not going to validate what I'm feeling. You're just not going to defend and rationalize your own behavior. But now you're telling me things about me that aren't true.

So at that day, I was like, okay, I would like to break up this is a manipulation tactic 100 to your point if if you felt like he had the power in the relationship he probably did especially if you felt that and he started losing power by you saying i'm moving or I'm even considering moving. And he tried to make you second guess yourself. Right. Right. And that's a power move. Right. It was right then. And I was like,

okay, well then I would not like to be in this relationship anymore. You're not going to tell me how I feel about things. You're not going to tell me this type of thing. I've been thinking about it for a while. Meanwhile, have you had like any sex in a year and a half? No. Well, a year at that point anything are you guys like nothing just at this point you're just literally nothing friends okay yeah okay sometimes we cuddled

yay you know it was awful okay um so then what we're so i you know he kind of left that conversation that day like what the heck you know not really understanding what was going on but then he kept reaching out probably over the course of about three weeks and just wanted answers and I was like okay well I've broken up with you and you don't know that I've been like considering this for six months this seems like on a whim to him so I was like because I've been to things with you I will leave lines of communication open for you to ask questions and get clarification just to be clear though like you may not have him so i was like because i've ended things with you i will leave lines of communication open for you to ask questions and get clarification just to be clear though like you may not have said i'm

thinking about breaking up with you for six months but you clearly mentioned problems that exist there's some problems and things you try to get answers of which he right whether they were true or untrue it certainly sounded fishy and never got resolved right so he can't claim that it was out of the blue uh right but i mean he can but it wouldn't make much sense yeah well i never reached out to him um because i don't think that that's fair i think if you're the one that ends a relationship you need to be done you gave him the option okay and then what right but i was like if you have questions. So right now, we are nine months removed from us talking at all.

Okay. Right? So why? Yeah, what's the question? Right. I had a TV stand of his. Okay. And I was like, I'm moving out of my place.

I'm moving to this larger city. I'm excited. You know, this is great. I didn't say that. But I've got your TV stand. Do you want it back? Because whenever we had ended things, he didn't say that, but I've got your TV stand. Do you want it back? Because whenever we had ended things, he was like, I guess you can just have that TV stand.

And I was like, Oh, I'll give it back to you when I move out. What was your reasoning for asking me if you wanted to stand? Was it genuinely just, I don't want this. I want, I want you to have all your stuff.

I don't want, like, how do you feel about this breakup? Like, be honest. Like, do you think about them? Do you question? Do you have at all? You don I don't want, like, how do you feel about this breakup? Like, be honest. Like, do you think about them? Do you question?

Do you have at all? You don't, you're good. Not at all. You're completely indifferent. Very good. Yeah. And I feel really bad cause I feel apathetic towards it.

And, um, okay. I even had a conversation. This was so post breakup. Um, I'd had one conversation with a friend of mine. It's a childhood friend of mine,

but a friend that was in his's a childhood friend of mine, but a friend that was in his friend group, like his guy friend. But that friend is closer to me because we've been family friends since we were really young. And he had reached out just to ask like, hey, how are you doing with everything? And I was like, to be honest, I feel fine. And I feel really bad because he's texting me all the time wanting answers and wanting you know to work on getting back together right so well i'm glad you're calling and this is a fun story and and and uh why do you care like why are you calling well he he reached well i reached out to say hey take your tv stand like i don't want it i don't want you to have any more ties to me.

I don't want this to be something you bring up later. I'm about to move. I'm starting a new life. Take the TV stand. Yeah. And he said, um, he was like, are you really moving? Like, I really thought we would have another conversation. I I've grown so much.

I've changed so much. I've realized all these things I've did wrong. And like, you're, you're not even going to listen. Like, you're not even going to hear me out and have a conversation. He said this to you, but yeah. Okay.

So he was like, you haven't reached out to me since you broke up with me that day. And like, really nothing has changed for you. You want to be done. And that's, that's just it. Like you don't want to work.

If I've worked on all these things and I'm ready to enter a relationship and like be so much better, then why can't you hear me out and how do you feel about that's the thing um what i mean that's the question what did he say that i guess triggered you that i mean triggered might trigger sounds aggressive but yeah no no no he scratched an itch and you're having a hard time simply just being like hey listen buddy uh that chat that's the thing i did i sent i sent two messages back i sent one kind one that was like hey i'm not talking about what you said to him i'm talking about what you're thinking when you go to bed like why you're calling like what what is what is unsettling

for you what do you need my help with that you can't get to on your own okay that's a good question right i just feel bad because he wants to have a conversation i want to let him get closure i want him to like close this chapter of the book and be able to move on he'll be fine and i want to move on yeah okay yeah did he ever take you up on the uh offer when you first broke up to talk at all yeah yeah i mean we we spent like about three weeks at that time like just you know sorting through details and things like that i mean you guys are the slowest paced relationship ever awful i mean i know so i don't think closure is like the thing we need to like really make sure happens i mean you know anyone can you know claim they still haven't gotten closure and it can be a moving goal post

if they want it to be right um you know it sounds like there's a little manipulation, gaslighting, if you want to call it. I don't know if gaslighting, but he doesn't ever seem to be satisfied with any answer that he doesn't like. Right. There's that. I mean, you sent these texts. And these texts you sent, are they recent? How recent are they? They were last Monday, so a week ago. And truly, you have no interest in getting back together with him you your only goal is like what guilt about him being okay yeah i i just feel

bad because i'm 100 good like i i don't care i don't want anything to do with him but i feel really bad about that because it's been you know we, we, I, we spent two and a half years together. I, I really thought that it was going to be something and that I'm totally okay. And that he's not, I do feel bad about that. All right. I'm just reading his text. Cause I don't know if you were as necessary because these are long. Yeah. Yeah. Lengthy. He said,

I always imagined that we'd have real conversations way before you'd move away like this and just to reiterate you had real conversations in the past when you guys broke up yes and I said that why did you never reach out to me question mark are you

are your feelings about everything unchanged he asks then you give him a long response like I said you probably remind him that you did Are your feelings about everything unchanged? He asks. Then you give him a long response. Like I said, you probably remind him that you did. He says the hardest thing for humans to do is communicate. I hated that. Condescending.

And I really feel like if we communicated better, then the reality of our relationship could have been better. You still don't know why he didn't have sex with you for a year, correct? No clue. I do have maybe a slight indication. That friend that had reached out told me that post-breakup, he told me after the breakup, he said that at one point, he had kind of told the guys they were playing some drinking game, and I was like, what's the worst thing you did this week or something like that,

or take five drinks and he said um he was like why downloaded tinder sometimes i do that whenever i'm out of town and i just will scroll through and i won't do anything but i just like to you know match and get some validation okay yeah listen i i i which is insecurity on his part i don't care that's why i never brought it up to him just because I was like, that's not why we broke up. It is a reason that I would never get back together with him. I mean, I don't,

if you need to go seek validation from a dating app, I think that that. Yeah. So here's the thing. I think the thing that you need to focus on, none of the, I'm not going to really read anymore, but it doesn't matter.

I don't really care about your relationship with him or him anymore. I do care about you and your ability to get better at listening to yourself and trusting your gut and not take what essentially was like a year and a half to make a decision you know like listen like you're right like there's a lot of reasons why a guy might not you know why your sex life might diminish or like sex completely stops and yeah you shouldn't just break up. Right. But you have the right to ask some of these questions, especially when it goes from 100

to zero, it just completely stops. And then you start asking legitimate questions and you know you're being empathetic and you realize it's a sensitive issue and you consider all possibilities and you approach it that way with sensitivity. And then you get like, as you said, five different answers. Well, either they're all lies or at least four of them are. Right. Right. Just by definition, like if one's true, then the other ones have to be lies. Now, two of them were around the idea that he's like, you know, he only

has so much in the gas tank and he's been using some of the gas in other areas and therefore there's nothing left for you. And that simple solution like well like i mean prioritize where you you spend your you your gas or whatever gas money um you still don't really got answers and you got some admission that he was low-key at best you know emotionally cheating on you by going on tinder and swiping right whatever i just like what is causing you to take things so slowly when it comes to your decision making? And like, I commend you for like, it's great that you're moving.

I love this for you. I love that you finally, you know, he said something that said, fuck it, I'm done. And there is something to be said about not making rash decisions because it sounds like you are in a great place. You don't wonder about him. You don't go back. You're confident in your decision. Those are all great

things. I would just like to see that sped up for you a little bit. You know, uh, why are you even still worrying? Why is he able to have any power over you whatsoever that he can in a way manipulate a gaslight you and ask you questions like, you know, he can, yeah, he's talking to you as if you're still dating. I guess it is gaslighting. He's making you think that you should somehow have some empathy for his situation still that's nine months old. Right. That you should still have some sort of feelings that he is doubting why your

feelings have changed. You haven't talked to the guy in nine months. Like logic would tell you that just by definition they would change. And he's making you feel bad for adapting and growing and moving forward and literally moving or just moving on as a person. And you have to figure out why you allow him to have that over you because that is something that you as an individual needs to work on it's not necessarily anything he's specific he's doing because a lot of guys could who who will and can do stuff like that but something

that you just have to get better at trusting yourself and that's not you being empathetic you know right it's it's you know there's. There's a boundary there. And I think I don't necessarily have an answer for you, but it might be something you could explore in therapy. How do you get better at trusting your gut? How do you get better at listening to yourself? How do you get better at believing when you know something is messed up and setting a boundary far sooner than waiting for a year? You put up with not having sex for a year. Yeah. Without any answers.

That's not normal. Right. And not sex is the whole thing of a relationship, but like sex is a part of a romantic relationship. And if they're not going to have sex with you, they do owe you some sort of explanation. You know, maybe it's, who knows? There's a lot of justifiable reasons why it's like sex isn't on the table in a relationship.

And you have to decide if you're okay with that. And a lot of couples go through it and they survive it and they work through it, but you're just walking blind. You know, like that's, and you being okay with that is the only thing that really concerns me now and i don't want you to get into another relationship and have like have that much empathy that you ignore your own personal needs i think i was just thinking at the time like if this were reverse and he was upset with me for not having sex with him like how would

that sound if that makes sense like it was a guy who wanted yeah you know who was pissed at a girl for not having sex with him then like i i don't know i think i struggled with that a lot and then i think i also just struggled with i I take a while to jump into things. So even jumping out of things, like I do that with most of my decisions. I'm very cautious. Yeah. I think your cautiousness is a little too extreme. And quite honestly, I think something that if you wanted to explore in therapy, it might be worth your time.

You know, time is a resource we don't get back. And you're taking a long fucking time to make some decisions and good, you know, and I just think, you know, getting better at that will allow you to experience more life and, and figure out what, you know, it's, you know, they always say fire fast and you need, you need to make decisions a little quicker and just have a little bit of confidence in yourself and and be okay with you know getting it wrong if nothing else at least now you learn from the fact that you thought something was off a long time ago and yeah you took a year year and a half to get there but you weren't wrong way back when right so now you need to be able to trust yourself a little bit better

okay so okay that's the only thing and as far as he's concerned honestly like i think blocking him is would be reasonable at this point he's almost borderline delusional right right yeah i mean i think my initial response was i don't want to meet with you and i don't want to talk with you but then i did that thing where i sort of rationalized and went back and didn't hey listen he's manipulating and it's a hook and it, you know, but yeah, just get better at trusting yourself and don't be afraid to explore that, you know, with therapy. And maybe it's like something you do for a couple of sessions. You get some answers and your therapist gives you a few exercises to work on it and you have some lasting benefits. Fair enough. All right. Well,

best of luck with your move. I think it's going to be great. Thank you. Be okay with things getting a little scary and bored for a while when you first move. Okay. But good decision. All right. Take care.

Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. I'm Erin. I'm 25. Hi, Erin. How can I help? Okay.

So I'll give you a little background. Okay. I recently attended my cousin's going away party where his friend and I hit it off. So my cousin gave him my number and we started talking from there. We went on a few dates and we were scheduled to have another one. But right before the day of he bailed, he said that he forgot that he had his friend's party the day he scheduled it with me. And then a few days after that, he texted me to let me know he wasn't comfortable talking to me anymore, because it was too much

with my cousin involved in his business, in particular regarding me. So he ended things. So I guess my question for you is, do you think his excuse of my cousin being too involved with our relationship was just an excuse to end things? Or do you think his excuse of my cousin being too involved um with our relationship was just an excuse to end things or do you think he really felt that uncomfortable um and i haven't spoken to either one since so do you think i should try to make things work and talk to them or just leave it at this when you say try to think make things work with with the guy yeah well what if he doesn't want to make it work well yeah i guess that's the other thing is you know he was pretty set in his mind when we last talked so you sent

some texts and there's these are always fun to read and we'll break them down but my short answer your question is the why doesn't really matter right He has decided he doesn't want to pursue things with you. And I think it's important. I bring this up and thank you for calling because I get asked this all the time. And I've been in your situation before too. It's like, I want to understand why they did what they did or said what they said.

Why are their actions not lining up with the things they've told me last week or the other day? And we can waste a lot of energy or invest a lot of energy and spend a lot of energy and it ends up being a waste because at the end of the day, they just don't want to. And we tell ourselves we want to hear the truth. Sometimes I don't know if we do. Sometimes what if the truth is, I don't know, I think you're annoying.

You seem delightful and I can't imagine a world in which you're annoying. But if that were the case, wouldn't you just rather hear that, I don't know, it's overcomplicated with work? hear that you know i don't know it's over complicated with work you know yeah i get where you're coming from because you're thinking well hey listen if this is if this is a family thing and a work thing hey don't worry we're not even that close i don't even care yeah you know that's the problem is when people give us insincere answers and they try to sugarcoat things, the other person hearing it tries to solve that problem. They're like, oh, well, if that's a problem, let's figure out a way to solve it. And then they're like, well, fuck, it's not. The problem is I just don't like you. You know? And then we're wasting a lot of energy. And that's why sometimes while the truth does

hurt, as they say, short of it being cruel and dismissive and unnecessary the honest truth is often the most selfless one because it always allows the person to move on the fastest and and that's you know and that might mean you're the bad guy not you but him um and he's being selfish because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He doesn't want to feel mean. He doesn't want to feel like a jerk, et cetera, et cetera. Let's dive into these texts, though, quick. I was doing good.

I'm sorry I have to do this like this, but I'm just not comfortable talking to you because of your cousin. He's just too immature, and he's making it weird for me okay well that's specific and you know saying stuff in the group chat about conversations he supposedly had with you and i'm just not trying to have that in a relationship i feel so shitty about it and you're a really nice girl and you're definitely a catch but i don't want interfering with a friendship and vice versa you wrote well first off he hasn't had any conversation with me he keeps asking me about you and and wondering where he's he's been getting this information because i don't i didn't want him involved for that reason and he came an asshole

or i'm not because i didn't want him involved for that reason that he can be an asshole or I'm not because I didn't want him involved for that reason that he can be an asshole or I'm not sure what he's saying to you on that end. But when he asked if I've kept it super vague because honestly, what happens between us is none of his business. How many times did you guys hang out, by the way? I think it was two dates, but we like we met three times. Okay. So you've been on three dates i'm sorry on this end if that's put you in a position and if i saw you again i was going to say something to you because i didn't want him to involve but he's so you kind of you just try to empathize and you're like i get it a normal response on your part he's like yeah i know you're doing the right thing and it's been

the same with me super vague and just general information like going on the boat i try to be super private i try to be a super private person with my relationship because it's just not anyone else's business i'm into you and all but he just doesn't understand what's socially acceptable in a public forum and i honestly just don't want to deal with him as his boredom increases while he's in south carolina and he tries to stir up more and more and that's that he's still part of the friend group even though everyone knows he's an asshole so is your cousin an asshole like you guys are both kind of shitting on him uh he can be i'm so sorry you're a great girl and i'm 100 down to stay friends but something as intimate um i mean listen i i stand by everything i just

told you before i read these texts that said i mean it just sounds like he's like being legitimate and like this is not some sort of bs excuse where he's just kind of conveniently blaming your cousin. I still stand by what I said that if I do think if he liked you enough, he would his approach most like would be, hey, like, what the fuck is the deal with your cousin? Like, I really like you, but like he's fucking this up. I like to be private. You know what I'm saying? He would have presented you with the problem and said, how do we figure this out together?

Or at least would have said, this bothers me. How do you feel about it? And you would have said, like you said, like, oh fuck, I'm on the same page as you. He fucking sucks. Let's not tell him anything. He's my cousin. Like, I don't know.

I see my cousin like once a year. Like I don't, you know, fuck it. Like you you want me to not i don't have to talk to him fuck it you know so that's what i'm saying if he liked you enough i think he probably would have done that so i think he both doesn't like you enough and and and this is legitimate but you made it clear that you liked them. I don't think you should be friends with them. No. Okay. No.

Like if you want to date them. So again, don't accept less than what you want. That doesn't do you any good. Being friends with them won't get you what you want. You don't need a friend. You don't need a pal. Yeah. And quite honestly, being friends with them't solve the what he says is the problem is your cousin being involved because if your cousin is immature

and petty and a gossip he can still make up gossipy stories about you two just being friends yeah all right so are you guys like done talking completely, I haven't talked to him since that whole incident. Like he ended up calling me after and he was like, just, you know, going on about my cousin again and saying like, he's always been this way and all this, which kind of dug the hole, I guess, a little further because it was like, all right, we get it. But like you said, if he really wanted wanted to he probably we could work around the cousin yeah i don't never reach out to him again he and there's a good chance you don't hear from him which would almost which additionally would solidify that it's less about your cousin and more about you he but he might reach out and if he reaches out you're just hey you know listen i get it we understand my cousin can be

this way i respect how you feel i'm disappointed you feel this way but i respect it as far as being friends like i'm good uh if you want to reconsider this i'm down and just so you know if we do try to date i i i'm just as interested in you on making our relationship private especially to my cousin but if you don't want that I respect it it's okay I don't need to be friends obviously we're cool if I see you out

no hard feelings and that's exactly what you say okay and that's it yeah so alright alright Okay. And that's it. Yeah. Yeah. So, all right. All right.

Yeah, I think it'd be great. And I thought as far as your responses, I think you did great. You didn't sound like you were empathizing. You got it. You didn't sound desperate or anything. You just were like, okay, well, that's how I feel. I thought you did a great job responding to them. And there's a good chance you won't hear from them again.

And if you do, just be super chill and let him know you're okay. It's okay if you tell him you like him, but just let him know you're okay if he doesn't want the same. But you're okay with setting a boundary. Yeah. But you still have boundaries, and that boundary is I don't need pals. Yeah. All righty? All right. Thank you so much. No no problem best of luck you're gonna be great thank you all right bye-bye thanks for listening guys uh hope you enjoyed this episode we always appreciate you tuning in hopefully there were some

good takeaways for you all listening uh either way we always appreciate the people tuning in don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at cast castmedia.com, cast with a K, to submit your questions. We certainly always need the people being vulnerable with their stories to get this show going. Can't thank you enough. We'll be back tomorrow, recapping Bachelor in Paradise. See you tomorrow. Have a great day. Bye.