The Viall Files - E308 Ask Nick - Finding The Baby Daddy

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick we begin with a woman who never got a DNA test on her daughter to find out which of the two men she slept with was her father. Years later she is realizing that it's not who she thought it was and doesn’t know if she should to tell him. Our next caller knows he is addicted to porn and has found his dream girl but knows his addiction is getting in the way of their relationship and he is ready to do what it takes to not lose her. Third, we speak with a gentleman who is starting to notice some co-dependency issues in his relationship. Finally, we speak with someone who was in a situationship but she considered it to be a relationship. When she tried to leave the relationship he would go back and forth on his feelings to keep her in his life.  “It’s like Titanic every Sunday night, like I will never let go…” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp: http://www.betterhelp.com/VIALLFILES Viall Files listeners get 10% off their first month UNTUCKit:  http://www.UNTUCKit.com Use code VIALL for 20% off your first purchase Grove: http://www.grove.co/VIALL you will get to choose a FREE gift with your first order of $30 or more. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting Ask Nick episode of the Vile Files. I am your host Nick joined by Allie and Amanda right now because Chrissy, we wonder what Chrissy is doing. Mysterious woman. Chrissy is the busiest woman I know. Camping. It really, who knows? All of the above. How are you two doing today on this wonderful Monday morning? I'm feeling very very responsible i went on a date on friday where our date activity was planning financial planning so i went through on vanguard.com this is a planned date yes this is a planned date wait how how this is a first date no this is a i

i it's like a guy who i was pretty excited about and then i I think both of us have just been really busy with stuff. So I've sort of been not dedicating very much time or energy to it. But it's not over. So now it's like we're going on dates every one to two weeks. And you're like, all right, so let's go on a date. And then who said, I got some financial planning I need to do. Well, so he works in finance. And so I was joking earlier on.

I was like, oh, I was like oh I keep wanting to like figure out like you know retirement savings invest or like you know I've been trying to save for retirement and set up an investing account because that's what you're supposed to do is Nick paying you more well I saved I saved up like so much through college like a set amount of money because I knew I wanted to start investing and so this guy so we kept saying like oh he's gonna help me invest he's gonna help me invest and then finally we were like we're gonna make it happen like we're gonna plan a whole day around it um and so we did he helped me invest great damn it was but like we went to trader joe's ahead of time to pick up some drinks and the cash you know they're always're always so chatty there. And so the cashier was like,

what do you guys have planned for tonight? And I was like, setting up a Roth IRA, like the lamest woman in the world on a Friday. That's kind of fun. And did you end up cashing out at the end of the evening? Oh, yes.

It was like on top of their like financial plans. Like it was all one big thing yes yes i was like a financial planning part of the dirty talk it's like you're a bad girl not saving for retirement yet no i was no but it did it did make me feel very one-time appreciative of him it did make me feel very connected and appreciative of him i was like that was a very kind thing of you to spend your Friday night doing

so I would say it was great foreplay great damn damn did you do anything fun um

I've been in Minnesota for like 10 days so if anyone missed me thanks um and I was like I'm either gonna come back

with a Minnesotan accent or I'm going to come back like my South Dakotan relatives and just be like, I ain't got no shit for you today. You sound normal. Thank you. I would have loved for you to be a fly on the wall observing my cousin's relationships because I think you would have had a lot to say.

It's always an interesting time. Love is messy. I've been watching... Natalie and I just started watching Sex and the City. Well, she wanted to watch it again, and I have never really watched it. I'm familiar with it. I've watched it with various girlfriends,

an episode here or there. I've never fully sat down and watched it. It has been eye-opening, and I think I've given you guys the assignment to start watching Sex and watched it. It has been eye-opening. And I think I've given you guys the assignment to start watching Sex and the City. I'm waiting on your HBO password, but feel free to send that over. Don't you can't?

Isn't it like free or something? We're over here with like Roth IRAs and HBO Max. I'm like, is anyone else suffering? Because you live in a fancy building, Allie. Allie just moved into a palace. Have you watched Sex and the fancy building, Allie. Allie just moved into a palace. Have you watched Success City? Let the listeners know that Allie moved into a palace. Well, my biggest takeaway in the first seven episodes

is that I didn't know. Like, I wasn't sure. I was on the impression, being an outsider from the show, that people thought of Carrie Bradshaw as some sort of role model. No. And I don't know... Well, she's an...

I mean... She's an icon. She is why the show exists. She is toxic and terrible. And if you get advice from Carrie Bradshaw, I mean, and you've had problems with love, it wouldn't make sense.

I mean, just she... I don't understand. She meets Mr. Big. They date for, as she claims, several months. Let's call it six. And in the first few months, the biggest, again, Mr. Big, he's, again, I get that he does some other shit later on. So I'm only talking about the

first like seven eight episodes in the first seven eight episodes he's this pretty up front with like i've been in love before i'm divorced i cheated on my wife i was young and stupid he's he's he's very direct with her right i mean they're they haven't really defined the relationship she's a terrible communicator every time she asks him he gives her very direct answers and then they start dating and and then all of a sudden they have this trip they plan on she farts in front of him he handles it like a total mature person she like disappears for three days shows up in the middle of those three days tries to force herself on him while he's watching a football game and i don't

know he's just like what are you doing and then she storms out all over a fart would you freak out if someone tried to force themselves on you during a packers game i would have the exact same reaction mr big did is like what are you doing like why like huh like they're on the one yard line it would just yeah it's just like just because you want sex right now it doesn't mean i have you know like it would just be like i'm like i'm in the middle of something you know whatever whether it's a football game or something else and then she storms out she doesn't call him and then fast forward when they're taking their trip she just was like i need to know i'm the one they haven't even traveled together they haven't even taken a trip and he and like a lot of guys like young immature guys might actually be like you

know what fuck it you're the one i'll just i'll just say what you want me to say let's go on this trip he doesn't he doesn't have an answer again they've only been dating for several months and you can't give that answer and she breaks up with him she breaks up with him and then like and then fast forward a few episodes they get back together start talking and she like hides it from her friends she finally admits it to her friends and then charlotte's like he was terrible to you I'm thinking what do you mean he would he didn't do anything I don't understand like she just it doesn't make any sense it's just like she creates she creates drama out of nothing yeah well your friends like I feel like that's always the thing with like getting advice from your friends is that

they only see the emotional impact it has on you no i get that yeah i mean i'm not trying to shun and then charlotte charlotte samantha and miranda are definitely the best they're the most mature and self-aware about themselves the only difference between samantha and charlotte is like charlotte samantha owns her sexuality and the fact that she has sex and charlotte is the girl who like participates in hookup culture totally fine but wants to pretend that she doesn't because she wants to live a fairy tale and so she's just constantly a walking contradiction um and you know and yet we i know i feel like a lot of women watch this show and looked up to charlotte and and um carrie carrie the most and it's it's a goddamn mess it's why like thank you central city because it's why it's why it's i it makes so much more sense

to me now why people call in with these questions and i'm just like what are you doing the best quote from nick this morning was i have a show because of sex in the city of 100 it's a nuts i'm watching this be like what the fuck how is this and i'm just wondering and i didn't know i'm curious when people were watching in its heyday were they walking where were they they just find carrie relatable to their own bullshit and then a self-awareness of like the bullshit we all just fuck up or were they looking at carrie bradshaw as like a how-to guide. I mean, she's the sex and she has an... In the show,

her character has like a column on sex and dating. Nothing is more unrealistic than the fact that she is like a writer every so often and like affords designer shoes in that apartment in New York. I'm like, none of this is real.

Also, she's a chain smoker. Nick's biggest issue is sex in the city. She's just smoking all the time. Even when she's literally working, there's a scene where she's working out and smoking. And she just creates, she's, yeah, she. Well. Well, more to report

because Natalie and I are in full sex in the city. This is just going to become a sex in the city podcast. What not to do? Anyway, we have a great episode for you. A lot of great, interesting callers with some hopefully good answers. Don't forget to subscribe. Five stars, all that fun stuff. We are back tomorrow with some more bachelor recap

either way a great week lined up for you thanks for listening as always let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going Hi, I'm Celine and 24. How can I help? About six years ago, I got into this situation with a boy I liked, but it never really went anywhere past the bedroom. I mean, we're pretty frequently at his house throughout the summer. You know, it was just summer flings, my junior and senior year. And I took it for what it was. He didn't want a relationship, at least, you know, with me. And I kind of accepted that and didn't, you know, ask for anything more of that. Junior and senior year of high school?

Yeah. So, so now I'm 24 it's it's been he's been in my life for quite a while the summer of um going into my freshman year of college actually um i started seeing another boy that you know showed me a lot more attention. I was seeing him much more frequently, you know, obviously, you know, we're sleeping together a lot more. And so I would still see this, you know, the other guy that I had been with since I was a junior. But I was seeing the new guy a lot more. So a little bit into my freshman year of college, at this point, I live eight hours away from both of them. So I was doing my own thing. and you know i was 18 and you know just a lot of mixed emotions and trying to figure out you know what the exact date of conception was and you know it's you know it's they're very close

in when i slept because i you weren't entirely sure who the father was at the time yeah pretty much and um i guess 18 year old me just figured well i slept with the one that likes me more and you know i saw more i slept with him more so you know it has to be his and so that that relationship that whole ended for other reasons and And it just, it didn't work out. And we didn't do a DNA test. I don't know, for whatever reason, we just like, we, we, I just figured, yes, it's his. And I totally didn't put into the factor that, you know, I did sleep with this other guy around the same time of conception. During the time that my, you know, the presumed father and I were together, which was about two years of my daughter's life, I would still see the other guy. And it was like maybe three times out of the year we'd, you know, call each other up.

Did either of them or both of them or none of them like think they were the father the one i was actually seeing never questioned it he just assumed it was his well yeah i guess yeah that makes sense yeah because i mean he and i were dating and i i wasn't you know it wasn't like this and you didn't have the guts to be like it might not be yours oh yeah no no no that was i mean a part of me was also very scared of him but then he was also the one that was you know always taking me out always you know included me but then there was a toxic side of the relationship that you know i was also very scared to talk to him about it but this you know the one that i had no longer asked me a couple times you know is there a

possibility and it got to the point where i was just like no she's not yours because he kept asking i was like no she's not yours i already did a test like you know drop it who does she look like she looks more like the other guy she's my you know the presumed father and i are much light you know um light complected and my daughter is very you know much you know darker toned so that's where now that she's getting older her features are finally showing uh much better so you know like um and her skin tone is finally you know at that like okay well this is gonna be her skin tone and and then her hair color just little things and then the way you know he would laugh is also how she laughs and then you know one person one guy was

just you know very just ugly and toxic and you know the other guy was just always nice, but never wanted anything with me. And she's just like the sweetest little thing ever. I mean, I got really lucky. So can I, do you know now? I mean like, where are we now? So no, that's the thing is I think, so my, my ex and I broke up almost three, almost three years ago. My daughter's now five up almost three years ago. My daughter is now five. So three years ago.

But he must still be in your life to some degree because he's not. No, he's not. And see, I never really brought it up because he was just choosing. Does he think he's still the father? Yes, he does. So he thinks he's the father and choosing not to be a father. Oh, yeah. No, he's right now. He's actually in prison for other reasons.

And so he was absent even when we were together. It was like our home was a revolving door and it was just really bad. It was just, you know, ended up leaving that relationship and just being like, you know what? I'm not even going to fight for you to be around because I don't know, like, if I'm fighting, you know, what if I'm fighting for, you know, so actual father of my child, what's the question? So I guess my question is, I want to I don't want any kind of relationship with the guy I actually think is the father. And I don't want him to feel obligated to, you know, step up to the plate financially. You know, I've done pretty well on my own raising her.

But I think I just want to know, like, I just I've been questioning a lot. And I don't know how to go about that because I don't know whether I want everything to completely change. You know, my daughter and I have been on our own for so long and, you know, bringing, if he wants to be involved, I'm kind of scared of that. But then I'm also like scared of the rejection also, you know, maybe he just might not want to do a test and that'll also be like, you know, And also, you know, maybe he just might not want to do a test.

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psychologist and think there's a lot to consider right there's just your the things going on in your head that you obviously i'm sure as a mother you're considering your daughter's feelings not necessarily even now but when she gets older and start asking about her dad you know the fact that the person she thinks like or the presumed father you know he's in jail right now you've think you know it's not he sounds like a pretty not great guy and and there's an aspect of making it pretty clear that he has no reason to come back in your life you know especially if he gets out of prison you know things like that uh then there's the aspect like you said like you're right like i mean as the mother of your daughter i think the courts are in your favor so there's that depending on how much you

want this other guy to be involved if he chooses to be involved uh then like you mentioned the rejection part of it like well i think that's the least of your worries right like that's just your ego you can get over the fact yeah that's't want to. Yeah, that's just me. But it sounded like, I don't know how long ago this was, the person you think might be the father, he wanted to know, at least at some point. Oh, yeah, no. Right?

I mean, I've never. I mean, as a man, I would be crushed if I found out I was the father and I didn't have an opportunity to be the father to my kid. See, and then I, you know, it's like weight heavy on me. For the past year, it's been, you know, extra because I've been questioning him for over a year now. And I mean, this is the first time I'm ever talking about it. So it's still kind of hard to, you know, put into words how I'm feeling and the situation.

But he will reach out periodically. And I started listening to your show last year. So I've been very like when he reaches out, I'm like, no, like you, you know, you used me for that time period and you you know you don't know who i am anymore but then it's also you know i also have something very serious i need to talk to him about but every time he reaches out it's it's like i don't know it's just not the time and i feel like it should be a face-to-face thing and i don't know it's very weird like he still reaches out so it's not like he's completely

not in my life potentially good also like thanks for listening thanks for taking my advice also like every situation is different you were you were both 18 you know like so i think you both deserve a little bit of grace with you know him not wanting to commit to you when he was a junior in high school or a senior in high school and it's great that you set your boundaries and things like that but he might be a different person you say you're a different person you clearly you know i'm not coming down on you at all but like you you definitely made some choices back then in terms of like not knowing who the father was and just guessing and let some guy believe he was the father and some other guy who might be you

know like not maybe the best way to handle it like again i'm not trying to like come down on you at all but like you were also fucking 18 like you said scared and there's a lot of reasons to be worried and like and i don't know what it's like to be in your position. So like, you know, you deserve some grace on that as well. Like, but my point of saying this all is like, try not to overanalyze or over be overly critical of how both of you handled a tough situation when you were 17, 18, 19 years old. I don't want to tell you what to do. I think it might be, there's a,

there's a lot of reasons to have some tough conversations with him. Acknowledge you were scared. You're sorry for not, uh, for doubting, you know, like you didn't really know and you wanted to believe it was the other guy you were with.

And like, he might be mad that he didn't, but like, yeah, it's like you, you definitely are in a position where there's probably no perfect way you can address this without him not getting a little bit frustrated venting to you having some frustrations him being having a million different feelings like he might be excited he's a father but also mad that he hasn't been able to be a

father also scared that it's like it's one thing like am i the father but now like what's his like what's his current dating situation does he want like whether you want to or not he's like there's a financial responsibility he's going to start thinking about like i have to like take care of my daughter you know um i think you just got to try to have some tough conversations it's a part of life obviously it's a part of being a mother like you just have to to do this uh yeah all while i think you know like talking to a therapist about the best way to go about this i think it's important to like you know do you have what's your support system like um i have a really good support system what do they say my parents very i this is the first time

i've talked about it like i have not well nobody knows i think you need to start like start there are they if you got a good support system talk to your support system get their take especially whoever you like if you end up talking to this guy like i think it's important your support system knows right i think i think it's important that your support system knows, right? I think it's important that they're aware of this situation you're in and the difficult conversations you might have to have if you decide to have them. I don't think it's important that your support system

is fully aware of that so they can support you and they can have your back and they can make sure that however this guy acts that you're protected and you're safe. I think that's important. And then, yeah, like you're just going to have to, I think it's probably, you probably should just have this tough conversation, you know? Yeah. It's, it's, it's a weird, yeah, it's a weird. And this could be a blessing. He might be like, you know what? I, I'm i'm mad i'm frustrated but ultimately i'm just glad i know and then he could you know and then

you might be bringing like a really great father into your daughter's life i mean you know yeah there's there's a lot of upside to this too uh potentially you know right now you're doing a lot of guessing with a lot of with not a lot of information like no information on something you should have some information on no definitely i think talking to my support system and seeing what you know we should do take care of before i i do eventually tell him listen you made some bad choices and fucked up a little bit when you were 18 and scared like i think any anyone can kind of at least try to understand and appreciate that without like judging and criticizing you so much like how the fuck can you do this i think anyone

could it's a scare i can't only imagine how scared you might have been yeah and it could literally have happened to anyone in your position who, you know, a lot of, I think most young 18, 19 year old men and women are participating in sex and probably not doing it very safely sometimes. So this shit happens.

And so you just got to try to, you can't do anything about it then. You can still make some good decisions and have some tough awkward conversations and it can still have a very positive outcome overall but start by telling your support system okay yeah that's good practice too that's probably a good start it's good practice for another tough conversation you're gonna have to have yeah no that that one's gonna be that's gonna be interesting and listen we all it's very easy to convince ourselves of a different reality i can totally empathize

with like you just like deciding your current boyfriend was the father because it easily could have been and you're just like yeah nah it's not you know and and i was saying you're just like you know something in your guts telling telling you maybe it's him. And who knows? You know, it may end up being the guy you always thought. You just don't fucking know. You just have to find out. I think I just need that clarity to finally, like, have, you know, peace of mind and know that, okay, this is just the way it is.

Or, you know, possibly mind and know that okay and this is you know this is just the way it is or you know possibly it's over here do you have any like dna from your ex-boyfriend who's in jail now that you could just like i don't and i would be so terrified to ask him yeah no i get that i don't want to have to but it'd be nice if you had a toothbrush line around the house where you could just like yeah it see i've tried doing that but uh yeah no nobody's really cool well it's because we don't talk to that side of the family at all they've completely you know just not good people to have my daughter around and you know and so it would be hard to get a hold of his dna and it would it's much easier, you know, go to the other guy and be like, okay. Well, I'm sure you all like to keep your home clean and you're like using it with

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I do think in general, one thing you said would just be easier. I think you need to start having, making some of these harder choices because you've gotten yourself in trouble and got yourself in the situation in the past by like it's just easier to assume and think this yeah so i'm not smart which is not smart right so stop doing what you think is just the easier thing and the easier conversation and the easier thing just to assume in general and you do need to start having some tough awkward conversations you just have to set yourself up to be safe protected and have a good support system when you know tough sometimes tough

conversations can go badly you know they can be a lot of anger and hurt and things said so it's just good to have a good support system and be grateful that you have that. Yeah. No, yeah, you're right. Lean on them. That's good. But stop taking the easy choices because as you now know,

sometimes the easy choices can create a real big fucking mess. Yeah. Yeah. But no, thank you so much for the advice and i will keep you all updated yeah yes it will be soon please do yeah sorry you're in this mess but i do think there's a great chance for this to end happily and hand on and on a good note and um and do you think this guy's a good guy that you, you know,

from what you know, I think he would be a good dad, not a good, I would not want him as a partner, but he would be a good dad. Um, so that would be good for her. Great.

Uh, well, best of luck. Keep us posted. Okay. Thank you. All right. Take care.

How's it going? Hi, I'm Hank. I'm 25. i'm 25 how's it going i'm a huge fan of you i'm really excited to be here all right thanks for having me uh thanks for coming on thanks for whatever and uh how can i help buddy yeah so i'm in a bit of a difficult situation so i've been dating this girl for the past few months i think she's incredibly beautiful um i honestly think she's way out of my league um we have overall a very functional healthy happy adult relationship with legitimate long-term potential um she's really my dream girl in like every respect how long you been dating but there's we've been dating for about three months okay so the one problem is that i'm addicted to porn and i've been addicted to porn for about 10 years and i've recently discovered over the last three months how detrimental it's been to my life essentially what happens here is i'm more interested in porn than i am in actual sex

okay and i've told my partner that when we have sex i do it for her and not really because i get significant amount of pleasure out of it and she was very upset about this and she feels like that negatively affects our sex life and and I understand that. Yeah. So I want to make it clear that I do recognize that I have a problem here, and I do want it to stop. But I have tremendous difficulty controlling this impulsive behavior, and I wonder if you have any recommendations for how I can control it and how I can communicate with my partner better. Yeah.

I want to be very careful with the advice I give here because I'm not a therapist in this, and I don't know much about addiction. So my first question to you is, that's great that you, well, you've great, you recognize it. What have you done? Have you thought up like like, therapy would be a good place to start? Absolutely, yeah. So I've been seeing a therapist for the past, like, five years or so for, like, other things going on. Okay. And I've brought this up, obviously, like, more recently.

Okay. And what do they say? They suggested, like, support groups or maybe seeing, like, a counselor specifically to this issue as more of a specialist. Yeah. And I'm open to that for sure. Okay. Well, I would be more open to that.

Like, here's a question I have for you is, the problem you're going to, like, you know, this is a very sensitive issue in relationships, right? How, like, you've only been dating this girl for a few months to be totally candid you dealing with this is gonna require an incredible amount of patience and understanding on her behalf so much so that it might be too much to ask anyone who's been dating one someone for a few months there But either way, despite her being your dream girl,

as you say, it sounds like you recognize that this addiction is not sustainable and whether it's this relationship or future ones, it's going to affect every relationship you have until you deal with the problem. Absolutely. So I think you just kind of have to be committed to whatever it takes. So getting the support groups, specialists, and then hopefully she's understood.

She might not be okay with the fact that her new boyfriend is in you know seeking in support groups for porn addiction i only communicated with her how does she handle this problem is she is she how is how does she handle that not everyone handles those things great yeah absolutely so she's she's handling it as best as best i could possibly after too she's basically saying that you know it's something that i have to get figured out and that you know she gave me time to figure it out and i don't want to come to a point where i where it's like you have to stop this like right now where i'm leaving you know what i mean like if i want i want to get it figured out like before it becomes a much bigger issue i'm just out of curiosity like when and if you're willing to share we'd appreciate it uh like

what do you mean by you're addicted like how much are you consuming is it just like every time you masturbate or like you're just like watching it 24 7 no it's not 24 7 um so i would say i binge it i would say you know for example, like within these last three months, I might go two, three days without it at all. And, you know, and even though I have this impulse to do it, and then maybe one day I'll watch it. And once I start watching, it's like an hour to a day. So right now it's like in binging of times. So you even watch it when you're not like masturbating correct yes that's correct yeah do you ever masturbate without watching porn oh no no okay this is just a guess

on my part i want to be very careful that i'm not giving like i don't know if this is going to work but like also like i think part of porn too is it becomes this fantasy it gets in your head you start thinking about it um it's very aggressive stuff right it's all you know they always have these like setups or or what it's about and then the scandalous and then so like lovemaking or mundane sex kind of becomes well mundane right so like also your your imagination is almost deteriorating in a sense like you should try masturbating with your head you know you know try try to do it without porn i mean we just start there you have to almost again you say you're addicted like need it less to become you know stimulated so even when you masturbating, try to do it without it, right?

Also, you just have to have, again, some discipline. Can you block websites? Is that a thing? Can you block yourself from websites? Yes, yeah, I can. And in the past, I've had someone change the passwords to my account. Yeah. So that's for the the paid services i subscribe

to but then there's like so much free porn on the internet too that like i can still just like give it to those yeah i mean as far as like the the self-control that's where i think the support groups can come in handy and how people deal with addiction and the impulses people have like how do you say no you know like if if you're an alcoholic and you you know first have, like, how do you say no? You know, like, if you're an alcoholic, and you, you know, first, you just like, I'm guessing, like, you try to remove yourself from parties and bars, but at some point, you want to be able to interact with your friends and society. So how do you become the person who can go out to those places and social events and still say no, right? And I i you know so i i think you

probably have to do some drastic things up front like you know get rid of these paid subscriptions you know you really got to try to do that and then yeah seek the support groups and yeah it's it's tough because it's you know you you can you recognize it you're in this early relationship so there's price there's only so much you can expect to count on her for support. Like, and it sounds like you have reasonable expectations. Like, all you really want from her right now is to just not break up with you for it, you know?

Yeah, pretty much, yeah. As opposed to, like, helping, you know, have her be a, like a, you know, support you in this kind of journey and maybe she will and that'd be great for her but my biggest advice to you is stop considering getting help and just follow through go for it like go absolutely head into it like really you know take it seriously you know find these support groups you know focus Get your therapy that's focused on this. And you're just going to have to challenge yourself to have some willpower

and take those drastic steps, whether it's passwords or things like that, and go from there because, yeah, it's good that you recognize it because it'll always be a problem if you don't do something about it and it's something that people you know future relationships will always um take exception with to a certain degree and then yeah and again i'm one of it's one of those things too like i don't know the answer to this question like you know if alcohol if you're an alcoholic and you go, you get sober, like you can't just be a casual drinker.

You just have to stop. Like is porn like that where like, once you, you're off the wagon, so to speak, like you can't really watch porn, you know, that's such a,

I feel like it's a different thing. And it's weird because like, even in like a monogamous relationship, like what about dirty talk? What about role playing and foreplay like and how would it how can you like a lot of those ideas come from like porn maybe or whatever are you fantasizing about taboo things even with your girlfriend like might mentally bring you back to like watching porn i these are all just kind of questions i'm uh bringing up i don't have the answer to but it are all just kind of questions I'm bringing up. I don't have the answer to, but it is kind of,

that's why it would make sense to find very specific support groups about this because I'm guessing all these questions that I'm bringing up, there are people with answers that have, it's worked for them and things you can practice and work on while you're in a relationship. Absolutely. So, yeah, just start there.

Stop considering getting the help and get the help. And in the meantime, practice not doing it. Like, just out of curiosity, when you're on your, like, binges, as you say, are you actively thinking, I'm doing it again, I shouldn't be doing this? Or, like, what's going on your like binges, as you say, are you actively thinking I'm doing it again? I shouldn't be doing this or like what's going on in your mind? It's tough to say. I would say there are definitely times where I feel like that. But like it's sort of like once I'm on a binge, like I'm just kind of like monofocus on what's right in front of me.

I don't think about anything else. Like once I kind of give in to that temptation. Interesting. front of me i don't think about anything else like once i kind of give into that temptation interesting the other thing it might be worth doing is like just like if you notice that you are doing that just being like why now like that's something for a lot of people who are recovering from anything like just being like why now like why am i choosing to do this now and you might realize that like oh i do this when i'm really stressed about something or oh i do this when i'm inadequate or like whatever it is. Yeah, that could be it. Definitely. Sure.

Yeah, but I would try masturbating without it. Okay. Practice like going to that place, being sexual, being turned on without requiring porn. It might help, right? Because there is a part like especially like you said when you're having sex with your girlfriend, you're like you're thinking about porn too much. You're not, you're probably not even present. You're probably just like in your porn mind. And yeah, my guess is that's, you know, yeah, I wish I was more helpful or I was more helpful about this, but I just want to be careful not to give you advice that isn't right. So I just think you should definitely stop considering help and get the help and hope that, and I guess the biggest thing too is even if your dream girl decides she can't do this, dream girls may be a good way to describe it

because you still have to get to know her. You don't know her yet. Dream girls may be a good way to describe it because you still have to get to know her. You don't know her yet. You know, you know, so don't get too wrapped up and don't let, if she's not okay with it, you know, this is priority number one, because if you don't fix this, it's going to affect other relationships. No, I totally agree with you. Definitely. All right, buddy. Well, Hey, I appreciate you calling in.

Very interesting stuff. I mean, you know, I don't think you're the only one out there. I think it's to some degrees, it sounds like, you know, you're very honest about having a pretty serious case of it, but I think on, it's a spectrum of people, even like guys who like always have to watch porn to masturbate. Like, I think that can affect their brain psychology. It can affect their sex life. It can affect a lot of things. I'm glad you called in and chatted with us about it. Thank you so much for your help. Really appreciate it.

Take care. Best of luck. Thank you. Have a good one. How's it going? Good. My name's Chris. I'm 24. How can I help Chris? I'll start with some backstory. I've been dating this girl for about 8 months When we first started

We probably haven't even known each other Past a year I mean things started pretty quick Which I first felt like great But I'm now starting to realize 8 months in Some codependence or maybe some Questionable Like attachment habits and maybe um

and you or her i'll say i'm starting to notice them more in her i guess it's raising concern in me but okay and so you're you guys are you're you've been dating this person you're still together yeah okay yeah we've had some lengthy discussions yeah so we're we're working things out yeah so wait so just to clarify you've been hanging out like are you guys are you refer to each other boyfriend and girlfriend or you guys have been hanging out this whole time and now you're having discussions about like potentially defining the relationship oh so we were we were hanging out it originally started started as just a regular hookup thing, I guess. Okay.

And then that happened for about a month, month and a half. And then we just kind of became serious. So we've been boyfriend and girlfriend for eight solid months. Okay. All right. And now you're noticing some, as you call it, like codependency or attachment things. What specifically are you noticing i get you know like i said like as we talk about on the show like you know i i i we don't talk a lot about

or i certainly don't like attachment theory and things like that we're aware of it we've had experts on come and talk about it i'm not an expert uh to talk about it and we can like consider it as a possibility but also i think we need we need to be careful uh as friends as people in relationships to not necessarily diagnose our own relationships or ourselves or our partners but i think we can try to find out um you know maybe what's going on or what's bugging you and whether it's something that you should look into further or maybe it's an insecurity of yours. So what specifically is happening that you are is giving you pause in the relationship? I think it's it's kind of like those day today behaviors that at first seemed like really sweet and endearing. And I mean, I definitely have thought recently about like the exiting of the honeymoon phase.

But it's like certain day-to-day behaviors where I worry if there is a little bit more of like a compatibility issue. Okay. And maybe i overlooked it because you know rose-tinted glasses um can you give us an example yeah so so we both work i mean i i kind of make my own schedule but typically i'm working she lives about an hour away from me she just graduated college has like a full-time job so our time spent together during the week is typically zero and then you know we'll get the weekends together we figure something out we're out together the weekend but then that weekend ends and you know typically you just you just go

back home hey i gotta go whatever but it's typically a much more i guess it's like an emotional departure it's a lot more you know crying because you know now we have to go back home from both of you or from her from her she'll get very upset she'll get she'll like she she'll cry you know leaving the house you know it's like it's like titanic every sunday night and you know i won't let go but how old is she it's like she's 22 okay i'm 24 yeah um and you know i don't know if this is her first relationship it is her first relationship? Yeah. Yeah.

So she had the very generic, you know, college experience where she had a couple hookups. And but this is definitely she'll, you know, as she told me, this is her first, you know, time like being in like a legitimate relationship with someone. Yeah. Okay. Is that the big example? Or are there other examples you can give i'll say that that's the most common one okay that probably should have been picked up as a little bit of a red flag

in the beginning and maybe addressed a little sooner yeah i i don't i mean it reminds me a lot of my first relationship when i was 18 and we went to different colleges my freshman year of college and i don't like i didn't cry and she didn't cry but i remember we would only see each other on the weekends and that's like that saying goodbye was just like ever i mean when you were talking about it i remember like i went back to that place mentally and i remember like just being just fucking distraught you know which is why i asked if it was our first relationship so i think what she lacks is perspective right which often a lot of people do when they're experiencing something for the

first time because they don't have the perspective of of of ever experiencing a similar feeling and and uh it's it could just be she's really excited i mean that's definitely something she's going to need to like get a handle on i don't know i don't know if it's uh if if if all she is doing is just getting real like dick you know she's crying i mean yeah it's a little heavy but i can't say based on that alone that like you know she's got some like uh you know again she needs therapy or some attachment issues she might just be really into you right and she might just be really excited and and and spends a lot of time missing you and just wish she could have more of you let me ask you this obviously it's making you feel slightly uncomfortable and i get why you're just like

hey i'll be here like it's to be a facetime and we can talk have you brought this up to her like this kind of slight discomfort and the intensity of the goodbyes yeah we've we've had some lengthy discussions and how does she handle that does she get defensive um no she's not very defensive she'll usually i think she makes up for some sort of lack of perspective with her self-awareness so i think sometimes you know when i bring these up and i kind of try to add like some perspective to it like like the Sunday thing like we FaceTime every night anyways you know like we check in all the time we're texting 24 7 like and I think when I add that she kind of sees it and she she definitely voices to me like I'm going to put effort into like maybe you know calming this down or like you know working on like not letting it be such a stressful

situation yeah that's my next question like how do you feel in that moment do you feel added pressure to like soothe her sadness or it almost becomes stressful hey yeah it definitely i mean i think early in our relationship it did add pressure to me, where I started to feel like I had to do things to kind of compromise. And so, you know, maybe like at like four months mark where, you know, it was a fairly consistent thing. I'd be like, Oh no, it's all right. I won't pick up my shifts Tuesday and I'll come to you and we can do dinner. And Oh no, it's all right. Like I'll, I'll ask if I can leave work early, you know, and I'm over there on one knee asking my supervisor, you know,

can I go make my girlfriend? Yeah, no, I mean, that's, yeah, I'm glad you bring that up because you're right. It's a, it's a, it's a, it feels like a tightrope sometimes of like, you know, going out of your way to like make your partner happy and, and taking, you know, we talk a lot about like, is he into me? Is she not into me? And we always say, listen, if they make the effort and clearly you're making

the effort and, but there is a, a toxic side to that. The flip side of that is like, how much are you expecting your partner to give up for you? And how much are you asking them to sacrifice to the detriment of the relationship or theirs themselves? Like if you keep like having to ask off of work or maybe you're not focusing on your studies if you're in school, like that's not healthy. Like you can't be doing that. So you have been able to talk to her and she at least acknowledges that like,

yeah, I like to see you, but like you shouldn't have to ask off of work on a consistent basis. Like once in a while doing something nice is great, but like your relationship shouldn't be, uh, you shouldn't have to sacrifice like being considered a good employee or having hobbies or other interests just to make sure she grades. Yeah. Yeah. Just so she feels loved. Um, so yeah, so she does recognize that like, that's not something you are still arguing about whether how much you have to give up or not.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, she definitely, yeah. Understands that how I feel, how I can, it kind of can make me in that moment feel like either i need to do more or i'm not doing enough yeah to to kind of because the quick fix to that is oh let's just spend every day together let's just not have any other outside life and you know you'll never have to be sad again because i'll you know but obviously how what's her friend group like does she have a lot of friends she is so this is kind of where my compatibility question comes in um her friend group is like deep-rooted like since pre-k friend group fairly large and i couldn't be more opposite

um if you ask me where you know who i sat next to like for my last semester I'd be like I don't care like I am very like introverted you know so her friend group is really large yeah and she's very social and she's like and does she have expectations of you of how you interact with her friends um it means a lot to her yeah so you know that was kind of one of like the boxes that i had to check for her um you know not necessarily approval but more like you know do i get along well with her friend group and her core friend group is probably like 10 15 people you know and so when when i did end up getting along great with them you know it was a big thing for us and you know? And so when I did end up getting along great with them, you know, it was a big thing for us.

And, you know, same thing with their family. Like she has a lot of these other circles that, you know, it was important for me in the early stages to mesh with. Gotcha. And you guys live an hour away from each other because why? I'm at home. I'm commuting to school. I used to live at school.

She just graduated from school. So she basically just has a full-time remote job at her house. But we both moved home from college early in the COVID thing. And your overall question is what? Are you on the fence of like, is this my person? Should I even consider ending the relationship? Or are you looking for more guidance given what your current situation is? Well, I guess my issue through kind of thinking through the other little behaviors is like,

is this something that A can that a we can work through or is this is how we are as individuals and we're just not you know clicking well on certain levels you know like are we just not compatible because you know you're you want this level of attention and attachment and you know we've been we've been told by everyone we've ever you know her family or friends like we are opposite opposite and that i've never really had been with someone that's like as different for me as she is so that definitely raises question marks when those little behaviors kind of become concerning to me yeah it's like i get it you know so yeah here's the thing you guys are obviously young right it's her first serious relationship.

I don't think you need or should try to make a decision right now or have an answer right now, right? I think what it is comes down to, I think a lot of young couples have a hard time doing, is knowing what boundaries they should set. What's an appropriate boundary? What is not, you know, again, what's the difference between, you know, taking, making someone a priority versus sacrificing other things. Opposites attract, right? So we know that, you know, you don't know if you guys are compatible, like her friend group. Yeah, it makes sense. She's a young 22 year old woman, you know, fresh out of college, makes sense that she has a large close friend group, right? Not everyone's like that, but it's pretty normal for someone who is

a socialite to go out and have a large friend group. That's over time going to diminish, right? Also, you two could just be, again, you're both young. So there's a good chance that no matter what, you're just not going to end up together because of you're just both kind of figuring out life and she's literally figuring out relationships, you know, what she wants in a relationship and all these other things. So I think what you have to do or what you should do and get good at doing is just be confident in the boundaries you set. Like, hey, listen, I love you. You're great.

I like being around you. Here's what I like. Here's what I don't like. Here's what makes me feel uncomfortable. Obviously, I know your friend group's important to you. I'm going to make the effort. She also has to respect and acknowledge that you are different. You are introverted.

She can't expect you to be like her friends. She can't make you feel bad for being an introvert. She has to appreciate that you are an introverted person, that you will make the effort, but that effort might not meet her expectations,. Right. So it's not like, Oh God, I just wish you could do this. So if she wants to date an extrovert, then she should date an extrovert. Right. So, but at the same time, you know, you can be introverted and go out and have a good time. And like, yeah, that's going to use up a little bit more of your energy and you're going to need to decompress. And she's going to have to be okay with that. She can't go around and be like, why can't you be more like Rob? You know, like that's just, if she's doing shit like that, then like, that's not your person,

but it might take her some time to learn how to date an introvert. Right. So you're, you both, because you're just early on in dating, you're both learning about yourselves. You're learning about relationship. You're to work. You guys are are gonna have to acknowledge the differences and and you say she's self-aware that's a great sign for you so a self-aware person can be like i don't know a lot about dating and have that kind of humility to acknowledge that like there's you don't have to get it all right or or get it wrong and so you guys both should like offer each other some grace that you do mess up. So it's great that you can go to her and be like, hey, like, I miss you too.

But like, shit, like, I don't know if we should be crying every Sunday or I can't get off of work every Tuesday. And her being like, you know what? That is a little intense. I mean, it is how I feel. But like, I recognize that maybe I need to chill the fuck out. Right. So that's good that she can say that because not everyone can be that self-aware a lot of people might get defensive in that situation so yeah i i think it's just about

setting your boundaries about like hey this this is who i am still willing to be go out be willing as individuals to go outside of your comfort level your boundaries that you have because you want to you know do things for them and make them feel like a priority all while knowing that hey like we both have you have she has a career, you both should be supporting each other's individuals, you should both be supporting each other's dreams, like you guys should be talking about, like, what are what are her career goals? What are your goals, right? What is important to you outside of the relationship, and then you guys should be helping each other out meet those goals, right. And that shouldn't make you guys feel insecure about the relationship and you

shouldn't be worrying about growing apart. It could happen. Like that would be the sign of a young, healthy relationship. It's really hard to do in practice. And again, I didn't do that shit when I was that age. I can say that now having been like, oh, I should have done shit like that. And I should have been more confident in myself. And, and you know it was a yeah it was a young kind of toxic relationship of of two like kids right but that's what i would say now looking back so it's little things like that but if she is software that's a really good sign uh i think compat like i wouldn't obsess about compatibility so much because like you you can't decide right now if she is going to be your person if she's going to

be the most compatible person but you do have to what it is is about you guys acknowledging the differences acknowledging the things you want setting boundaries respecting those boundaries knowing when it's appropriate to go outside of those boundaries to show the other person is a priority and then see with all those things into consideration, if you guys can continue to learn and know about each other and grow and, and, and, and that every time you hang out with her friends, you don't feel like you're doing something wrong or you're feeling you're not doing enough or she's constantly disappointed because all those other things

will con will just eventually like wear on the both of you and then yeah you'll just end up breaking up because like what often happens in young relationship is that you fall in love for whatever reason you get excited there's this bond you have but you realize you're not really compatible so you spend 60 6 to 12 months trying to fit a square peg into a round hole because you just like that's my that's my biggest fear yeah yes you know well the good news is your biggest fear isn't the end of the world and your biggest fear is called dating and and or you know it's it's figuring it out figuring it out and like you're going to learn a lot from this relationship whether she ends up

being your person or not so like don't necessarily from it. If you decide she's not your person, fine. Right. But like you can, it's okay to ask these questions and it's, it's good practice to be, try to talk with her about these things. Right. And then see if she's willing to talk back and shit. We always say like all those things aside, introvert, extrovert friend, like communication is the biggest way is, is the, you know, that's, that that's compatibility if you can talk through these things that are bothering you things that you guys are insecure about and and some of it will sound crazy you know because it's like i always say you're just two people who like don't know how to like drive race cars and you've been given keys to a ferrari and

you're trying to figure it out so just give each other a little bit of grace, right? And not try to like point the finger or get mad or if each other doesn't do it right, even if she makes you feel a little stressed out that you are an introvert, you know, like don't get mad at her. Just be like, baby, I'm trying my best here and then see if she will recognize that you are trying your best and then go from there. Yeah. I think that's kind of what I've been focused on is kind of letting the situation breathe a little more before i can rush to be like oh this wasn't my person it's like well did i exhaust all of my yeah my compromises or you know my my effort just good at talking as a guy you know

an introverted analytical guy that you might be like you know, don't try to, don't try to over communicate or over fix. Like, you know, like that's something like all guys kind of make the mistake of and let her feel and let her express her feelings. And, and then, you know, yeah, at some point you might be like, you know what, just deep down it's, it's, you know, she lives an hour away. It might just be too much to try to make work you know maybe there are too many challenges like at some point it should be easy man you know at some point you should have you having more you know like you're a young 24 year old she's 22 you guys should be having a ton of fun so there is something to think about that like

well i'm saying all this and all these things you guys can consider and work on and you should it shouldn't feel like a project you know right yeah it shouldn't feel like yeah so it shouldn't be clocking out of work and then yeah feeling like i you know but feel it out i think it's good practice see how it goes there like you said my greatest fear is that we're not like your greatest fear is not the end of the world you know and even if you date for a year and realize she's not your person like you said, my greatest fear is that we're not like your greatest fear is not the end of the world, you know? And even if you date for a year and realize she's not your person, like you didn't waste any time, you know, you might be 25 and like have a quarter life crisis.

Like a lot of people do like, you're fine. You're super young. You're going to be totally fine. You know, people are sitting down later. So don't feel like you have to rush or you're not on any type of clock. You don't have to get this right.

You know, it's, there's, if you guys don't work out, you're going to be totally fine. And so will she. Um, but, uh, yeah, don't actually make it worse by overthinking and, and, and just, you know, people saying you guys are control freaking the whole thing. Yeah, totally. Just try to enjoy each other. And hopefully she cries a little bit less when you say goodbye i know hopefully hopefully the you know the goodbyes don't take you know half

an hour anymore it sounds like she really likes you that's a you know that's good you know she's yeah i think i think it's just yeah yeah that's that's what it feels like for sure yeah but i i feel it man it can get a little intense it can be almost a little added pressure but see if she is self-aware and and and doesn't get defensive when you express your discomfort with the situation that's a that's a good sign man not everyone's like that yeah she definitely deserves that much credit. Yeah. So, all right, man. Well, thanks for calling. Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, that was awesome. Thank you so much. All right, buddy. Appreciate you calling in. Thanks. Appreciate it. Bye-bye. How's it going?

Hey, I'm good. Thank you. What's your name? My name is Leah. Hi, Leah. How old are you? I just turned 28, actually. Happy birthday. How can I help. Thank you. What's your name? My name is Leah. Hi, Leah. How old are you? I just turned 28, actually. Happy birthday. How can I help?

Thank you. Okay. Well, I have several questions, I guess. And basically, I ended what today would be called a situationship. But to me, it was a relationship. We called it a relationship. Why do you committed so you you never defined the relationship with him well he just never gave me a straight answer so he'd be like we're not friends clearly and we're not in a relationship, but... Okay, all right. So yeah, I guess a situationship.

All right. Yeah. So I met him two years ago. We both live abroad. So I guess, you know, there's just an atmosphere of like, it's temporary for many people. So you're here to have fun and stuff.

But we were inseparable basically since we met. And we started hooking up, but we started spending so much time together that we became really close. He became my best friend. And I started hanging out with his friends a lot. So I became really embedded in their friend group. And I was afraid to define the relationship at the beginning. So that was on me. But he was obviously dating, he was on me but he was obviously dating he was on like tinder rampages all the time but I was his emotional and physical consistency so I allowed him to have his cake and eat it too which I realize now but I would hit my breaking points and I would be like listen I like you

and I felt like when he knew I was about to walk away, we would have these moments where he's like, oh, you know, I feel the same. It's just hard. So we would try it and then he'd go back on it. Oh no, actually, maybe I don't like you. And then I'd be like, yes, I do. And then actually I love you. And then, oh, but he'd go back and be like, oh, but maybe it's not the kind of love

that is needed for a relationship. So it was just always back and be like, oh, but maybe it's not the kind of love that is needed for a relationship. So it was just always back and forth. We would try to cut off communication. We had two two-month no contact, but we'd always find our way back. And then we finally stopped talking, but COVID came. So he had to go back to his country. So the night before he left, he called me like five times was like i need to see you i need to see you we met up and he basically like cried in my arms and was

like it was you all along i just wasn't ready and i'm still not ready but i don't want this to change your perception on love and and all that and it should have ended there because I felt he was genuine for the first time about his feelings for me but it was like I but he's like uh it's you all along but I'm still not ready yeah I'm still not ready and I'm leaving I feel like he felt safe to say that because there was going to be distance physical like I mean continents apart so it should have ended there but we facetimed every day until like last month so that was October so facetiming every day talking every day uh watching series together and then a month ago I was like I can't do this anymore like I'm going crazy I kept it a secret from my friends

no one knew I was still talking to him because they're like he's toxic uh but I defended him and a month ago I was like I'm in love with you but I can't do this anymore and he responded with the text I sent you that was basically like I love you as a person but the connection is not romantic and I realized why you thought it could be but I hope what I'm saying doesn't change how you view our time together in the country we're living in and so that was just mind-blowing to me because I'm like okay well now you just are making me question the past two years I had just reached a point I was ready to let go and now I'm trust I'm missed I don't know if i can trust my intuition anymore i'm questioning other relationships in my life if they're as genuine as i thought they were so the text you said he sent you

he wrote well you know in parentheses i hope that i love and care for you as someone who I hold close to me, but yeah, not quite. But yeah, he writes, not quite in a romantic sense. We do have that connection and click really well. I don't think that'll ever change even if our relationship communication does, but yeah, I kind of figured you were thinking that way. I definitely have my part in playing along with it because of all the chatting and video calling, et cetera, despite thinking that. i definitely have my part in playing along with it because of all the chatting and video calling etc despite thinking that but regardless i don't want you to think of this as i'm forgetting you or or that all of a sudden i don't care about you like i don't want this to change to sour you know so all the things you said and then what the only thing my biggest takeaway is you didn't respond to that. Right.

I, yeah. And then later on, on some point, I don't know how many days had passed. He just text you out of nowhere. Hey, how are you? Yeah. Which was to me appalling. Cause I was like, okay, how do I respond to that? To me, I had told you in the long text, I can't do it anymore. Hopefully you didn't like, did you not respond respond have you spoken since you sent that text i i'm just like always afraid to end things badly so i responded saying what do you mean i feel like maybe i i want to be friends

with him in the future at some point what you are is still in denial that this is going to ever turn into anything so the reason why you want to make it amicable or you're afraid for him to hate you or be mad at you is because you are holding out hope that he's going to change his mind. I want to, I, I am still holding out hope. I am, but I'm not going to do anything about it. And I feel like, this is the first time I ended it. It's always been him. This was the first time I ended it. It's always been him.

This was the first time I answered back saying, hey, I just need time to respond. I think. Well, it's the first time you weren't afraid of getting an answer you didn't want to hear. It was the first time you put yourself out there and try to define something. No, because I had put myself out there, but he would flip-flop so I never trusted his

answers when we were together I knew he felt the same what do you mean and I never doubted it uh maybe I know he probably thought he could do better or I I expected I like you but not enough for a relationship I expected I love you but we're not compatible I didn't expect oh what we had was never romantic I mean listen I can tell you what it was he really enjoyed you he probably like yeah you were his a broad girlfriend but he always knew he was leaving he always knew he was going back he always always knew like, and for him, his connection with you in no way was worth trying to maintain this long distance relationship. He had no interest of moving to your country. He quite honestly wasn't even interested in the expectation of having you come out to

his country. He didn't want to even ask you to do that. But what he did love is having you around as his abroad girlfriend to, you know, be like you said, his support system, his consistent, the girl he would go to movies with or have dinner with or talk about his feelings. back to you the consistent girl who was willing to uh allow him to do this who was too afraid of of setting boundaries and defining the relationship because you were deep down kind of you know knew he wasn't going to commit and now that he's now back in his home country he thinks of it like someone would like summer camp you know it was like a part of his life he wants to cherish and value the memories and he wants to think back on you as like a really nice time with a really nice girl and and yeah i mean that's why did he keep it up for 10 months like he would

initiate the video calls the texting the boredom hours a day maybe he was having a dry spell back at his home country i mean people for all sorts of reason love love love the consistency of communication it's it's why catfishing works right in a sense because like people might be getting catfish but they're still getting value out of like not even facetime with someone but it's just someone to talk to and you guys did build some sort of foundation and familiarity and he just knew he just told himself he wasn't going to date you right doesn't mean he instantly had a girlfriend or he found that type of relationship or or comfort with anyone else back at home so he still had you to like have these conversations with but once you try to set this boundary and once you're like, hey, enough's enough.

He was like, I don't want to. Okay. I'm just, he was at least honest enough that he didn't pretend. But then where he's a dick is where he kind of checks in after you try to set this boundary. Yeah. And it's always been like that.

Yeah. I mean, listen, you both had did things wrong. I mean, you definitely played a role in this in the sense that like, you know, and it's a tough tough situation the all thing you do right now is just follow through you really have to follow through to that standard you'd set and that boundary you set for yourself as especially as it relates to him i've tortured myself and like i started going to therapy and i realized my mistake was trying to figure out what his problem was and i never even focused on mistake was trying to figure out what his problem was and i never even focused on myself sure his problem was just like not wanting to like get in a relationship with a girl who lived in a different

country maybe it could be that simple he was adamant that he was ready for a relationship and just how old is this guy 27 i mean yeah i think you just need to be very careful about trying to overanalyze every word he said because listen i'm not saying he's a bad guy or a good guy he's just probably an immature guy who didn't really know how to articulate his feelings and was kind of full of shit and was irresponsible also at the risk of hurting your feelings and leading you on but you just need to be careful not to like overanalyze every word he says and what it might mean because like some of it is probably bullshit and yeah maybe what he meant was i'm ready to like meet someone who like when i go home to my country you know uh and meet a girl from my country or my

hometown you know and you know maybe didn't want to you know I can't speak for him I don't know why he you know most of what he said probably like he just kind of said it or maybe he thought he meant it in the moment and then he said the wrong thing and like you know relationships are often like that maybe you said some things that if you had a tape recorder back and he could like say, you said or did this, like you'd be like, I don't know why I fucking said that. I was vulnerable or insecure or selfish, you know, like, so I just think it's important for you to just focus on what you know now. Like, listen, you had a fun fling and hopefully you can like look back

and learn from this and still appreciate the good times. And yes, like you definitely allowed yourself and you have to take some responsibility for not setting your boundaries earlier on and giving in and romanticizing the relationship. All very natural. We've all done this. We've all been, again, the biggest thing I think for you

hearing your story is not, you have to accept for what it is. You have to accept that it's over. You have to accept his answer, even though he's selfish right now and still trying to talk to you and reach out and say, hey, how's it going? Like you need to believe everything he said here.

You need to believe that he doesn't see that connection with you even if he when he gets selfish reaches out when he misses you or he's bored because he doesn't miss you romantically he just misses the connection you had he misses the ability to call you up and be like hey can i just talk you know like you offered him that you know but doesn't it's possible to because he would always he i heard him joke to his friend one time that i'm his best friend who he sleeps with so and to me like i always figured that was what a relationship was like to me that's what i want a relationship is two people who who think that but also want to make sacrifices and want to give up the freedom of hooking up with

other people and want to make the other person feel like a priority and want them to make them feel confident, secure, and not confused in relationships. And you're hanging on to these few phrases and words that he said that kind of sound like a relationship but might be one aspect of so many other things that go into the type of healthy relationship that i'm assuming you're looking for yes what is the definition of romantic connection because to me like a romantic connection doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship does it if you're like sleeping attracted to someone and you i guess my answer to that is why does it matter? I mean, you're trying to justify

your relationship. Listen, you recognize that you have to take some ownership in this situation, right? But I don't think you need to beat yourself up about why you allowed it to happen. We've all been there. You know what I'm saying? We've all been sucked in.

It's happened to me before. That's why i'm worried okay i need to know how at what point this is the furthest it's gone in the the deepest it's been but i i've been in this situation where we're obviously not friends it's actions over words you're getting sucked up into someone's words that they are saying and you are allowing that to excuse their actions like he'll say little things like oh you know like i don't know what the he probably said a lot of shit over the time yeah but he never really wanted to fully commit you never felt you know you know what a relationship is that you want feeling comfortable with someone to not be afraid to set a boundary and ask them to find a relationship and if you can't feel safe and comfortable to do that, that's clearly not a relationship. Right? So like, you, you, you, like we talk about a lot

on the show, like you were constantly willing to accept less than what you wanted or what you deserved. You know, you were trying to find the silver lining in every situation that you're in with him. I have every, every selfish act that he had, every boundary that he had, you found the silver lining of why it was okay or why it meant something or everything he said at the same time throughout this whole relationship, you were always kind of feeling a little unsatisfied. You were never fully getting everything you wanted. How do you not take that personally, like as an attack on who you are? Because it has nothing to do with who you are. It's just like, yeah, that's your ego talking.

Yeah, I know. And I know it's my ego. But it's just he, it seemed like everything fit and it still didn't work. And I've never actually had an actual relationship. So I'm getting worried because I know time shouldn't matter, but I'm 28 and I've never actually had an actual relationship. So I'm getting worried because I know time shouldn't matter, but I'm 28, and I've never even dated. These guys have always found me, and then it's turned into this. Yeah, I don't know the other situation,

but there are a lot of red flags in this relationship, and those red flags might even be just starting off with, like, you guys were from different countries, and you already knew going in. And I'm not saying that could have turned into love you know there's been plenty of you know you you know but people who like meet abroad already are just like that's a hurdle we're gonna have to get over and so to get over that hurdle you would both have to be like i'm committed to getting over this hurdle i'm committed to like making this work

because you're both like we are a priority and then you're on the same page you're not confused about what the other person's thinking. You're not wondering if they're willing to make you a priority. It's clear. You're talking and communicating. You're not communicating with your partners. You're afraid to get certain answers. You get sucked up into a situation that you romanticize.

And you will have a great date with someone or a really you know good sex and then you'll focus on that great moment all while ignoring all the things you're not getting you know you're not listening to yourself is my guess right yeah and that's my question do i trust my intuition or was i clearly wrong because at one point he told me to trust your intuition because i'm probably feeling the same way i think you're ignoring your intuition my intuition always told me he wasn't good enough for me and we weren't going to be in a relationship but i got stuck on the fact that it also told me that's what i mean you were ignoring your you're ignoring your intuition yeah my ego just wants to know that he liked me sure yeah

and i'll never know because he's flip-flopped so much i think you know yeah i think he didn't like you enough i guess if you really you know okay you wanted to be enough for him to want to say hey babe i don't care i will move across the world for you or whatever like you know you wanted to be good enough for that and has nothing to do with you and like yeah you're it's the rom-com you're watching too much fucking you know notebook or whatever it is you're watching and it's being romanticized and it's you know like we were talking like being like i don't know if you watch sex in the city or or the notebook like you look at those relationships they're all fucking toxic

you know and and they're they're packaged as romantic you know fairy tales and love stories right so like you're just not you're not if you tell me that you your intuition told you that you know he wasn't good enough for you whatever it is you were not listening to that because whether it's your ego or or you like getting caught up in like this could be a really great love story if it's you know people all the time get sucked up into how they met someone and liking how they met and like be like well fuck if i can make this work with this guy or a girl then i'll have a great story to tell at parties of how we met you know yeah and literally

people will try to like keep relationships going simply by how they met or the story that you know and so you got caught up in the story and you stopped paying attention to your needs and what really made you happy and you got hung up on all these other things well i just i make in the past like for example this guy his family was like you need to walk away his own family and his friends were like you deserve better so i still didn't listen because in a way if i feel like someone's acting based on off their trauma I end up kind of empathizing like oh it's because this happened to him and this and this so I have my breaking point I feel like takes a lot longer than most people because like no much crime documentaries and I'd be like oh but the serial killer was like raped as a child and this happened to it and I'm like

I can't do that I think you just have a big ego i think you just have a big ego because when someone tells you you can deserve better your ego is like well why aren't you good enough to make them be better exactly yeah so you need to like get better at controlling your ego and you need to get better at listening to your gut and and listen to the conversations you're having with the people you're dating setting boundaries and when they don't meet that boundary don't let your ego go off and tell you why you're not good enough for them to want to respect that boundary you just accept that they are not willing to do that and that it's not a reflection of you or your self-worth or things like that. And you,

you know, you need to control that. I don't even know how to date. I've never dated. I just, and I'm moving back to the States after five years. Okay. And I don't even know how things work anymore. Yeah,

you do. You're, I think you're being a little dramatic. If I'm being honest, you're 28, you're super young. You have been dating. A lot of people listen to this podcast or done shit like you have, you know what I'm being honest. You're 28. You're super young. You have been dating. A lot of people listen to this podcast

or have done shit like you have. You know what I'm saying? Like you've definitely dated. You might not have been in a healthy relationship yet, but you've certainly dated, right? You've gone out on dates and you'll, you know, you should go on dating apps, you know? And yeah, I know.

I knew I said that because I knew you were gonna give me that look like, oh, I'm too good for dating apps. Like, I know. I knew I said that because I knew you were going to give me that look. Like, oh, I'm too good for dating apps. Like, no, you're not. No, I just... I think you need a reality check if I'm being totally honest. I think you have a kind of a disillusioned perception of love and dating and what you think you deserve.

So how do I fix that? I think you humble yourself a little bit. And I think you go on dating apps. The world think you go on dating apps the world's on dating apps like everyone's I mean I've had them obviously I just it just hasn't worked it's okay yeah and you might not meet your person through a dating app but you should be on dating apps and you you should use dating apps as a way to meet people not find your prince charming and through being open to meeting people you might meet a guy you connect with and then you when you meet them you should take it slow and you should focus on getting to know them and setting your boundaries and paying attention to when someone doesn't

you know either agree with that boundary or want to respect that boundary, whatever that boundary is, and then you should not make excuses for them. And you should not let your ego trigger you and get you to be good enough for them to respect that boundary. Yeah. It's just hard because I realize I'm doing it, but then I don't know how to stop it. I see the red flags and I take them in, but then I don't know how to act on it. the red flags and i take them in but then i don't know

how to act on it or like i'm very self-deprecating but at the same time i know that i have a big ego like i'll feel insecure like oh it's because i'm not paying up it's because i'm this self-deprecating doesn't mean you don't have a big ego just yeah exactly which is something i realized actually listened to to your podcast i try therapy therapy you know i think you might learn you know it sounds like you have a lot of self-reflection to do and kind of like a lot of your questions on like how do i control my instincts or understanding your own choices and therapy is a great way of of processing that i mean I can't help you with that on like one call. You know what I'm saying?

Literally, it might take like a lot of, and there's nothing, therapy's great. You know, like everyone could use therapy. Like I think you're just, you're struggling right now with getting caught up in these kind of romantic situations and you're beating yourself up a little bit

for having it not worked out. Your ego feels a little bit dumb for investing the time that you have and it didn't work out. Like you're beating yourself up a little bit for having it not worked out you your ego feels a little bit dumb for investing the time that you have and it didn't work out like you're you're totally fine you're gonna be totally fine you're gonna you know what i'm saying like you're gonna move back to the states and you could look at this experience as a fun romantic fling that you had that now you get to move back to the states as a single eligible woman uh who has everything in front of her and can now like having had those experience like if you are lucky enough to meet a guy settle down and get marriage you will look back on this as a fun adventure you know i don't know how fun it was but i promise you you will

someday think about this and smile. You will. I mean, even like, even looking back at some of the most vulnerable moments and painful moments and heartbreak, I look back and laugh and smile because I'm just so over it and moved on. And I've learned from those things. And I like, you can't see that now because it's so fresh and you're currently dealing with it. But I think I heard you say before basically like that sometimes you hold on to the memory of someone because that's all you have left yeah you don't want to

lose them and i feel like i'm doing that you don't want to feel like this thing was all for nothing and exactly right now you need to become indifferent to it get over it at the risk of it feeling like it was worth nothing. And so that eventually when you are fully moved on and indifferent, you can reflect back and it can be a good memory. That's just gonna take time. It might take five or 10 years.

In the meantime, you don't need this to mean anything for you, like, you know what I'm saying? This doesn't have to mean anything other than you just lived a little bit. It's just a part of your life. It's just a part, it's a chapter in your life. It's a, it's a page and you don't have your story, you know, it doesn't have to mean a grand thing. You can, there's going to be small takeaways. Some of those takeaways you might not fully appreciate for a year or two. You don't need

clarity like immediately, you know? Yeah. I'm not very patient, but yeah. Well, another thing therapy can help with, you know, I do think you have a lot of like things that you need to, you know, probably work on on yourself. Like a lot of us do. And we all do.

And therapy might be a great way for you to like process these things out more than talk to someone so that on a day-to-day basis, you can stop falling into these traps that you, you kind of set for yourself yeah but i i actually have been going to therapy great for like a year okay and have you got any benefit from it she i just feel like sometimes she's telling me things that i know that i'm doing get a different therapist i haven't managed to yeah i mean you can get a trainer and like got you know like different trainers different therapists different doctors try it out you know

also like just you're doing fine you know you're doing fine in life you're just in the middle of a rut i don't like i know i'm trying to say get therapy you're a mess like you're totally fine you're just you got a little fucked up by this guy you have an ego he had all the power and and you feel a little bit you had an even bigger ego so sure yeah your ego's really in overdrive right now it sounds like and you're just having a hard time processing all this but you're gonna be totally fine when you move back in two weeks great i think i'm moving back in with my parents. Like obviously it's going to be a transition. So that's a great, I mean, you're in luck and congratulations. It's like that you need to get out of this wherever you are. A lot of memories and you get a fresh

start, parents, whatever. I think that'll be good for you. I think if it, I think it would be hard to stay where you are and it's going to be fine. And I promise you, you're going to look back and smile about this. And I think as far as this guy goes, you just need to stop talking to him. 100%. Don't reach out to him hoping he's going to be sorry or change his mind or validate. Like you don't need him to appreciate the experience. There's nothing he can say that's going to change your perspective. Just time and patience and an outlook on life is going to make you

appreciate it later in life. Okay. All right. That was really helpful. All right. Best of luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. What a great episode. Thanks for listening. Can't appreciate you guys enough. Don't forget to send me your questions at AskNickAtCastMedia.com. Cast for the K.

Certainly need those questions. If nothing else, we'll see you tomorrow.