The Viall Files - E311 Ask Nick - You Don't Want Leftover Him

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Today on another edition of Ask Nick, we begin with someone who is into her neighbor and thinks she's been obvious about it but he still hasn't taken the bait. Should she be more direct or is he just not into it? Next, we talk to someone who is having trouble bringing up issues with her boyfriend for fear of being 'dramatic' or that it will turn into a fight. She learns, though, that the real struggle might be the power dynamic and that what she really needs is to be honest with herself. Then, we talk to someone who was kissed by her best friend who is now avoiding her. She's interested, but doesn't want to mess up their friendship. Finally, we talk to someone who caught her boyfriend lying to her and promptly broke up with him, but they work together and she still has feelings for him. Is it worth forgiving and trying again? You'll have to listen to find out.  "Your boyfriend is not interested in being a boyfriend. He’s interested in having a girlfriend, but there’s a big difference." Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Brooklinen - http://www.brooklinen.com promo code VIALL to shop the Labor Day savings event Ritual - http://www.ritual.com/VIALL For 10% off during your first 3 months Marley Spoon - http://www.MarleySpoon.com promo code VIALL for $100 of free food Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask Nick edition I'm your host Nick joined by the wonderful team All amanda and chrissy although chrissy has the day off today so she's with us in spirit uh ali and amanda how are you doing fabulous magical we had a big weekend great big what was what was going on it was ali's birthday on thursday so we had a party on saturday how'd it go it was quite fun. Amanda went all out. She made like a whole like invitation. She just like, she was like a party planning queen. Using Canva, shout out.

Yeah, there we go. Shout out. Any exciting stories? Well, the theme was 2004, the year 2004. So everybody had to dress up like either, like anything from that year. Why 2004? Iconic, like anything from that year. Why 2004? Iconic year. Yeah.

Big year. It was big. And then we didn't really- So you already graduated from college. We picked the year and then we didn't even realize like it was my 24th birthday and the theme was 2004. So it ended up making like more sense than we even anticipated. But yeah, it was fun.

Allie went as Hilary Duff in another Cinderella story the original Cinderella story Amanda went with her friend as the first gay wedding in Massachusetts which I was actually in attendance at I went to the first ever legal gay wedding in this country did you

yes what really yeah because I was sleeping over at my friend's house and her dad was a Cambridge City counselor. And the second it became legalized, they wanted to get people married at midnight. So that way, if people tried to revoke or repeal gay marriage, it would be more complicated because there would already be married people.

So I went to the first ever gay wedding in my pajamas. History. It's amazing. You guys have been watching Sex and the City? Yes. We're all obsessed. I think... We're debating a new business venture i don't know if we'll just keep sprinkling conversations during the ask nicks or do

i think we're gonna do like a full-on series of breaking down sex in the city uh interested in your guys's thoughts but there's so much it holds up in the sense that the topics still apply to dating and like i said i mean i think there's a lot we can learn from watching this show i mean definitely carrie sucks uh but you know carrie in some ways is all of us um i think it's kind of why you know know some people find it relatable but yet toxic nevertheless i feel like carrie is like the original think she's the main character what do you mean like you know do you know that how everyone's like oh you think you're the main character like you're it's a very like some people move through the world yeah viewing themselves as

like the protagonist of the world we all do that right some more others. But I think at our worst, we're all- Amanda's definitely more of a main character in her own life than I am in my own. Don't say that, Alex. We're not trying to fight. I think if, to be fair, we all, at our worst, can be guilty of acting like we're the main characters in this world. I didn't think it was necessarily a bad thing. I thought it just- I think Carrie is a bad version of it.

But I think it can also just be like someone who's confident and like takes control of their life sure i didn't i didn't ever i didn't ever think of it like as a bad thing when people are like oh she's the main character like she understood the assignment i've never heard it as with a negative connotation why are you talking specifically about carrie or like people who go around just like in general i don't know like i felt like it was more of like an empowerment thing like you see some girl with like a really fun outfit you're like she's the main character like i thought it was like a rah-rah get behind them situation i don't mean it like that i just mean like we all have you know when people say like hey it's not all about you you know because oftentimes when you know yeah we we think it's all about us, whether they're critics, like their criticism might be flying around the world.

And we just assume people are criticizing us or, you know, again, it's we all have been guilty of thinking everything is about us or they can carry situations. Everyone's like, oh, the most surprising response has been like, but like, isn't big toxic? It's like, yes, of course. Yes. But like, why is carrie keep bringing big back into her life she is attracting her toxic behavior is attracting big she's letting him back in like why isn't you know anyway but i will get into it we're not gonna we're gonna get into it now i could go on and on we have a great episode for you uh some great callers some great

dancers don't forget to subscribe. Tell your friends. Rate us five stars. We'll be back tomorrow. Well, not tomorrow. Again, if you haven't noticed, when Bachelor is on Monday and Tuesday, Bachelor in Paradise, we're just going to do one recap of the two episodes. That'll be out Tuesday night after Tuesday night's episode. And the wonderful Tyler Merritt is back with us on Wednesday. He has a new book. Always some great, rich discussions with Tyler. can't wait um for it to have you listen to that episode don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at castme.com cast with a k always appreciate your submissions and your questions certainly need

those to keep this show going make sure you send them in other than that let's get ready for our callers how's it going hi nick i'm good how are you good what's your name crystal hi crystal how can i help oh wait how old are you how old are you i am 30 turning 31 in a few months all right right. How can I help? So I'm into my neighbor. So I have to talk kind of quiet because our walls are thin. Like you're into your neighbor? I'm into him.

Oh, and like he's next door at the moment? Well, because yeah, he's my neighbor. We share a wall. Oh, maybe he's at work. I don't know. That's a good point. Yeah. So he's quite a bit older than I am and I'm not really into him in terms of wanting to date him or have a relationship with him I just want to just really attracted to

him and I just want to you know have some fun with him and I feel like I've been pretty obvious in my um intentions but maybe not quite so um So just to just to make sure you are in fact being obvious, you want to have sex with them? Yes. Okay. I mean, I don't know. You said you want to have fun with them. Like that's kind of to the point of not making it totally clear. I'm giving you a hard time. What what have you done that you think has made it obvious for him? So I've offered to, I've had leftover food sometimes or I've made extra dinner. So I've offered to give him some, or I've one time asked him to come over for a drink. And he, at that time he'd said no because he was having buddies over, but invited me to come by to have drinks with him and his buddies.

And so obviously, we all had a few drinks and he was getting kind of flirty with me. And his two friends were saying, oh, why don't you why don't you guys become a thing? And he kept getting so shy and embarrassed and saying, no, no, no. And so was I, because it was embarrassing and awkward because it was just in front of him. So that's one thing. And I'm kind of texting him here and there. He helps me a lot around my place.

And if I ever need to sell something, he'll always volunteer to come help me meet the person. He's helped me move stuff out of my place before. We walk our dogs together. And so he's always waiting if he sees me coming out into the elevator walk my dog he'll always wait and we kind of do the walk together and but but when i'm i feel i'm being obvious making invitations or kind of flirting a little it's not i he doesn't bite so but like so you're spending a little bit of time together

yeah well yeah you're definitely not making it obvious and i'm not trying to give you a hard time like at all but you know especially we're in a time where you know what does obvious mean anymore you know like you're saying i'm flirting or i we walk our dog and but like for he could easily just be like i don't know she's really nice and i don't know like necessarily her situation maybe he he could be anything from not anywhere into you like he just likes you as a nice neighbor and do you know anything about his dating situation so he has a son and i know he's actively looking for a girlfriend because he's mentioned that and he I know that he's dated around but I'm not interested in dating someone with a child at all

um and I would I just I wouldn't want to date him I don't think um but that being said I'm attracted to him so I mean I I honestly think that the best thing you can do is in fact be obvious. And that means like at the risk of just be like, Hey, do you want to have sex? You know, honestly, another roundabout way.

I could, well, that wouldn't be obvious. I mean, that's, here's the thing. It's just like, it can be complicated,

right? You have no idea what he could easily be into you, right? He could think you're cute. How old is this guy? is 48 okay he could totally be into you right so you know you're not into him or you don't want to date him so I think you're gonna have to be pretty direct since you know what you want right because the alternative is to you know you could invite them over you could do this whole thing and you could like not talk about it and you could hook up

at some point either way you're gonna have to have a direct conversation right so like you could be like hey come over for some drinks and then you guys are like ha ha ha and then like watching a movie that you've both seen that, you know, you don't want to watch. You start making out and you have some sex. And then he's like, all right,

well, I'm going to go next door. And then it's going to be awkward for a little bit. And then both of you are going to be like, Oh, do we hang out again or not? Like at some point, if you are going to have sex with this guy,

because that's what you want to do, it's going to require some sort of adult conversation. And it's like the very directness. So you can either do that right away or you could, you know, be passive aggressive or, you know, kind of not as direct as you make it sound, right? Like you're being very indirect, which is fine. But like, yeah.

Like I've told a few of my friends uh what i've said and what i've done and they're like just give it up like he's just not into you just give it up you've been really obvious but i haven't specifically ever said can't will we have can we have sex or i want to have sex with you um i mean if what you're telling me is everything you're telling yeah you've invited him over i don't know like there's a lot of times I've had women acquaintances or neighbors or whatever. And especially, you know, you guys are neighbors. He's not going to, you know, a lot of guys, I can't speak for everyone, but, you know, I would be cautious, you know, for her, her being my neighbor.

And, you know, as a guy, you, you don as a guy you you don't want to you don't want to lead people on you don't want to things they're gonna get complicated and messy he could be he could literally be feel the same ways about about you like she's cute i don't know she's my neighbor uh you know like i don't think we're ever gonna date you really have no idea right but like you really have no idea right but like and he definitely you know he's a guy so can't speak for all guys but most a lot of guys are like down to like have um uh sex without any kind of other requirements you know so yeah uh you have definitely not been direct you've flirted a little bit, kind of. You guys have brushed it off.

You've hung out. And maybe he doesn't want to ruin a good thing. And that good thing could be having a nice neighbor or it's uncomplicated. You guys walk your dogs together. And it's not weird because there is no romantic relationship or there's no sex so like if you can handle him being like listen i like you're my neighbor and so like as great as it would be like i don't think we should just keep it as is without you like you know hiding for like two weeks so you feel embarrassed because he turned you down

which could easily happen. That's right here. Yeah, well, it's the worst that could happen. You could chalk it up to him like just not wanting to like shit where he eats, so to speak, because you guys are neighbors, which is a justifiable like thing, right?

I'm sure as a 50, 48-year-old man, he's probably had a handful of situations where he thought this was like we're both on the same page. We're just hooking up and things got weird and messy, you know, and he's just probably as a 48 year old guy. He's just like, ah, 48 year old guys don't make as many stupid, like impulsive decisions in their lives anymore. Right. I really think if you want to follow through with this, it might require for you to like put yourself out there and just be upfront and be actually direct

and just say, I think you're super hot. I think you're super attractive. Obviously, we're neighbors and I don't think they're, but like, you know, if you want to like come over and have some fun and uh keep it you know professional i'm down you know you're gonna have to be pretty bold do i do this on the phone or or like in person when you know 8 a.m on a tuesday morning type of thing or if i think i think you should like invite them over for drinks you know have a drinks, loosen up and like kind of get that vibe going and then put it out there.

But he hasn't he hasn't taken me up on any off. I mean, I've done it once or twice where once I've asked him to come for dinner, once for drinks and the drinks offer turned into him me actually going there. But anytime I'd offered otherwise to do something or to give him some food or to come over for food he's turned it down i don't know maybe maybe he's not interested i don't but how many times have you done this directly asked him to come over for dinner maybe two or three and then some other offers of like here i have some extra pizza maybe two or three giving him leftovers doesn't count but asking him over for dinner and he like he's asked him over for three times and he's been like nah i'm good always know what you're putting in your body

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Brooklyn has over 80,000 five-star reviews and counting in that. And there's a reason for that because it's incredible. Well, no, one time. No, I think it was actually more formal. Let's, let's order sushi together and share sushi or something. That was once. And then once for drinks. And what did he say

he was like i have plans or he's like no i'm good he said he's on a um hot man diet hot summer hot man diet and he's going to make himself a chicken salad for dinner maybe next time can we have a rain check he asked for rain check but he didn't like follow up with you yeah i do sense that there is some hesitation so he is moving his lease ends next march so should i maybe wait until like february so there's not much to lose if he's into having sex with you i think he can handle having casual sex with you even though he's your neighbor for like five months or whatever it is yeah really it just comes down to how much do you want to have sex with them versus how much are you willing to feel a little uh embarrassed or rejected or have your ego feel messed up if he isn't down it's just been a long year and a bit and i'm sure i can probably if i really wanted to go search elsewhere but it's so easy he's like right next door it's just been a long year and a bit and i'm sure i can probably if i really wanted to

go search elsewhere but it's so easy he's like right next door it's like i know he's safe and he's fun and yeah so is this is this about him or is it you just need to get laid a bit of both it's a bit of like a i guess a fantasy thing but also like just my needs. Okay. Well, what, like how often do you walk your dogs together? A couple of times a week and we'll do a full like 20, 30 minute walk. And sometimes we end up standing in the hallway and chatting for a long time or standing outside and chatting. And like,

he kind of flirts with me, but like, it's not obvious. It's like in a weird flirtatious way. I don't know. Yeah. Try to like, when you know he's at home

or available like i mean you could if you if you want this to be a fantasy you could really go for it and you know knock on his door and with a couple drinks and i don't you know i don't i don't know like i feel like there's a world where you could seduce him. So you don't think that based on what I've said, he's just not interested at all? He might not be. It's just really hard to tell because, you know, you opened up with me. Like, I've been really direct. And it's just like you've invited him over for a couple of times.

The fact that he is like you share a wall, I would be super cautious. For example, what I'm saying is if you were a girl who I thought was attractive, you know, but like, you know, maybe he, maybe let's say he assumed feels the exact way about you, right? You think he's attractive. You don't want to date him for whatever reason, right? The kid thing, he thinks you're like attractive but he's just like i don't know she's my neighbor and i just don't see a romance like he could easily just be like yeah there's a world where i could have sex with her but i don't need to have sex with her and she's my neighbor and i don't want that fucking mess next like i don't want to share a wall with that potential headache. You know, not you, but like, again, as a 40 year old guy,

I bet he is, uh, been impulsive and regretted at some point in his life, right? He could a, not be into you or B he could just be really cautious and we don't know. It's just hard to tell. And if he is cautious, you're going to really have to make him feel comfortable with doing something that a lot of people, including himself, would say, you don't have a hookup buddy as your next door neighbor. Which sounds pretty logical and obvious. Yeah, totally. So another, I was sort of testing the waters, which I thought was testing the waters, but

it might have backfired. I was trying to set up a good friend of mine who also has children with his one of his good friends who's going through it, who just had a divorce and is also has children. But he then told me that this friend of his is seeing someone and he's not available. So then he so then I said, oh oh that's such a shame because they'd be such a good match and he said well why don't you set her up with me and then i said well i don't know you don't seem like her type or whatever and then he got all shy and embarrassed but i don't know if like if that meant that i think that would have been a really good moment to tell a fun joke and be serious because i'm trying to have sex with you, Rob.

I'm just saying at some point you're really going to have to like break the ice because there's this clear like line that you haven't been willing to cross and you're like on the other side of the line kind of like, you know, waving your hand and trying to give them the signal and thinking it's really obvious, but I really don't think it's that obvious. Right. And I just think, you know, we're, we're living in a climate where things are getting less signal and thinking it's really obvious but i really don't think it's that obvious right and i just think you know we're we're living in a climate where things are getting less and less obvious we want a sure thing you know especially you know men too it's just like that's my neighbor

i don't know and she's flirting and then like all of a sudden he thinks like you know i don't maybe she's just i don't fucking know and who knows i just think like i said you're gonna have to put yourself out there uh at the risk of getting rejected and if he's the fact that he is going to be moving soon great like and what's the worst thing that happens he says no he gives you some bullshit about being his neighbor you chalk it up as that and like whatever and then he moves in a few months so that one night that i went over it with his buddies were there and we were kind of having drinks and stuff like he was pretty buzzed and he'd mentioned something about um going and making a bonfire together and i said

okay well let me know one day when when your son isn't home and he's with his mom we can uh we can do that and he says um he said and he said yeah okay let's do it but he's just never followed up on it yeah i i think you're really gonna have to like walk the dog and like follow him into his house push him up against the wall and start making out with him you know what i'm saying i think you're gonna have to be kind of um in the moment very you know like he's not gonna plan a date with you he's not going to have to be kind of um in the moment very you know like he's not going to plan a date with you he's not going to you know because if i like what you're suggesting would be i would take as oh she wants to like have a date you know that's a bonfire that's kind of a romantic setting

like you just want to fuck right so you know that's not something a lot of men are often used to hearing and when they do they don't even totally believe it they think there's a strings attached or like she doesn't you know what i'm saying so like i think you really need to make it very clear that you don't want these things now Now dinner is a date thing. A bonfire and a romantic fire is a date kind of setting. Like you just want to hook up. So like knock on his door and make a move, you know? Just throw it out there. Ha ha ha, I totally want to fuck.

Like I don't know, you text him and be like, hey, instead of walking dogs to the dogs today, do you want to have meaningless sex? I mean, seriously, what do you have to lose? That's what you want, you know? And I think you need to make it very clear to him because I think the only chance, because there's a lot, like if I was him and sort of you being like, oh, I want to marry her. And maybe he is also obsessed with you.

I don't know. He could be doing a really poor job of communicating that. I'm just saying there's a lot of reasons not to start a romantic relationship with someone that's your neighbor, unless you like, no, she's the one. Yeah. Like I, he's terrible over text. So I would not, I don't think I would do anything like that over text, but I could where I feel most comfortable is probably in person. Cause that's when he's the most

communicative um but again i just like if i just said in the middle of a walk at 8 a.m on a tuesday morning hey i kind of find you attractive should we keep this professional type of thing like what you said earlier wouldn't i what if he what if he's just like uh no and then we're still walking and then it's like okay don't do it like in the middle of the walk you literally just be like hey come over can how you should literally like pretend you have a like a leaky faucet like hey can you help me fix this shit and then just be like hey by the way like the faucet's running be like actually this is gonna sound crazy but like i think you really hot. I'm super turned on by you. I just want to have sex. Like I know we're neighbors and it's probably like, we should

just keep it just straight physical. Are you down? And you're right. He might turn you down. I don't know. You are, it's like, this is, you can't, there's no, there's no, like, if you're calling for a solution for me to be like, here's how you do it to guarantee you're going to get laid and feel no rejection i don't have that answer for you but like you at some point going to have to put yourself out there and like 50 50 he might he you know you don't know if the worst i've done the leaky faucet thing except it didn't end with that but because you refuse to make a move right you're just like sitting there being like all right like he's not gonna make a move on his neighbor who like has given him very passive signals you're right you need to make it obvious especially because he knows i've been dating yeah whatever you're like clearly not making it obvious you're you know okay you

need to make it obvious and by obvious I mean it's like somewhere in there has to you be like I want to have sex I think we should hook up I want to like or you just grab them and kiss them like you know I'm gonna build some guts yeah Yeah. You're going to have to. You're going 10. And you're like, I'm making it obvious because I'm going 10 and you want him to go 90. Right. You need to go 98. Okay.

Okay. All right. I'm going to try. It's the worst thing that can happen is it says no. And, you know, just chalk it up to being neighbors. That's a good story. Yeah. It won't kill you. Because I know his friends have said to him in private.

It doesn't matter. In public. Who cares what his friends say? It doesn't matter. Just all that matters is what he wants or doesn't want. And you just have to have enough guts to ask. Okay. Nothing bad can happen here. All right. I'm going to do it. I think you should go for ask. Okay. Nothing bad can happen here.

All right, I'm going to do it. I think you should go for it. Okay. All right, good luck. All right, bye-bye. Martha Stewart and Marley Spoon makes great tasty meals possible every day of the week by delivering a variety of recipe option ranging from breakfast to dinner to desserts and featuring both the classic flavors you love

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for using promo code V-I-A-L-L. And trust me, it's a game changer. Absolutely. Martha Stewart, you can't go wrong. I tried it. Didn't disappoint because it was Martha Stewart. I had high expectations and she delivered. I couldn't believe how easy it was and how delicious and flavorful their meals are. Everything's delicious. Everything's ready fast and everybody loves the food. Check them out at MarleySpoon.com today. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jill. I'm a young one. I'm going to be 22 in September. Happy birthday, Jill. How can I help? Thank you. So me and my boyfriend have been together for about six months officially. We were off and on for a year and a half before that.

But we've been officially together for about six months now. Messy relationship history, but we're good. We're secure. We're serious. But there are still a lot of issues that we face or at least that I face and so I kind of like this laundry list of things that I want to talk to him about but whenever I try to bring up these conversations he just gets dismissive and defensive and shuts down and it's always I don't want to fight about this right now and I feel like I've taken like every approach there is I'm not much of like a yeller I don't like conflict so I'm always very calm I've taken like every approach there is. I'm not much of like a yeller. I don't like conflict. So I'm always very calm. I've tried to like postpone conversations, like done the whole thing, but he is not willing. What are some of the things that you want to discuss?

So the most recent conversation was about quality time and how I think that we need to spend more quality time together. He thinks we spend plenty of time together, but I was trying to distinguish the difference between like being in each other's presence and him like being on his video game with his friends and me just kind of sitting there or like hanging out with all of his friends and him being preoccupied versus like quality time.

Like we go grab a drink together or we have a conversation or we go do something. But he didn't really want to hear that gotcha and before you guys were official and before everything was good and secure as you mentioned it sounds like there was a as you mentioned messy courting process uh before that and was it more you pursuing him yeah so we dated uh back in 2019 for like a little over three months. Then he broke up with me. He said he wasn't ready for anything serious, had commitment issues, all this stuff. But he said he called it a break, but we didn't discuss boundaries or a timeline. So it was like a year

and four months of us kind of going back and forth. I mean, I did see other people, but we were very off and on. It was always like, oh, let's try this time. And then we didn't. And then I don't know what happened, but the beginning of this year, he was like, I'm ready. And I guess he was ready because it's a whole lot different now. And you just said, okay. Yeah.

So here's what's going on. Like you have, you know, he has all the power you have none you've worked so hard to get him to be your boyfriend that like you like breaking up with him isn't even an option for you and he knows that either directly or indirectly right even you're just like hey everything's like like you wanted me to know that everything's secure and fine but like you have a list of things you're not okay with and like deep down you know like you know like yeah like quality time is not me watching you play video games it's not me just like it's not being in the same room sometimes that is okay but like that doesn't count for quality time and whatever the other

things are, you know, um, are probably justified, but like he has all the power. He puts you on his timeline when you were courting him and then he was ready and then you jumped, you stopped everything you were doing and said, Oh great. Now I can be, you know, and so you've worked so hard. It's like that you, you're treating him like an investment, you know? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And, and you don't want to feel like you wasted your time, your investment. So breaking up with him isn't an option.

And so you both kind of know that at least from your point of view so when he's just like when you're like well there's things i want to work on he's just like i don't care yeah and um and it's very much like i think he sees it as like oh you're always looking for a problem or like you're just being dramatic or it's not that big of a deal and so since it's not like affecting him he's not willing to work on it. But the thing is, I know that if I sat down with him and I was like, hey, we need to talk, not ultimatum, but kind of like we need to talk or this isn't going to work, he would talk. But I don't want to have to bring it there.

I want to just have conversation. Because there's so many things that I'd bring up and I feel like it would just be this long-winded thing. And if something else came up down the line I don't want to make it this habit of having to go to almost a breakup in order to talk about these things unfortunately you guys both of you right like created this situation where you have an unequal power dynamic he has all the power in the relationship and that could change overnight like literally you could be like I want to break up with you and then he could panic and freak out and be crying on your relationship. And that could change overnight. Like literally you could be like, I want to break up with you.

And then he could panic and freak out and be crying on your doorstep. Like that could shift drastically. But right now he has all this power, right? He's always had it. And the fact that you are afraid to get to the point where you might have to break up with them, you know,

like you said, you're young, right? And that's fine. Like, you're not that young, but like, it's a relatively new, how is he he's 24 okay so you know he's relatively young too but you have to be okay with breaking up with them you have to be okay like setting your boundaries

you know having your expectations because if you were in a relationship that you know like you want and i'm assuming you know you deserve like it wouldn't be that hard to be like i'd like to spend some quality time with you and even though like sometimes like everyone might give you a huff or a puff they would be like you know what yeah i know video games don't count and like you would just do shit you don't wanna it wouldn't be your first choice you know like when my girlfriend's just like hey i want to go to like i don't know fucking home goods and look at like shit what we won't buy or you know maybe we'll buy what i don't want like i don't want to do it but like i know she wants to do it so like I'm just like yeah let's go

you know right and I've tried to give examples of stuff like that too I'm like hey instead of spending all weekend from Friday until Sunday with your friends literally until like they sleep over or they stay till five in the morning and I basically live at his house I'm here right now I've been kind of staying here for the past like two plus months, which I can still go home. I live like five minutes away. But like, I want to spend time with my boyfriend. But yeah, I was like, maybe one of the days out of the weekend, we could do something like we could still see your friends at night. But like, how about during the day we do this? And he's like, Well, if we don't have a legitimate plan, then I'm going to spend time with my friends. And like, you're more than welcome every single time. Like I want you around,

but like, if you want to do that, you need to make a plan. And I just don't, I will, but I don't want to do that every single time. I want like some balance. He is not in your boyfriend is not interested in being a boyfriend.

He is interested in having a girlfriend and there's a big difference. I do get that. Yeah. You you know he's fine if you want to like be quiet and be there but he is not interested which is up i'm sure like yeah i'm sure he's not a total piece of shit right i'm sure once in a while he steps up but clearly the normal situation is him doing what he wants when he wants prioritizing his friends and his work and his video games and when it comes like if you were to make a list how you feel in terms of what he had like what he prioritizes in his life where do you think you fall are you in the top five i would hope i was in top five, but I do often feel like his own agenda

does come before me a lot of the time. Yeah, you would hope, but like deep down, probably not. Yeah. So the tough, you have to come to a realization that you can survive without him and that he might not be your guy

and that you, whether it's him or someone else, like minimum, want someone who wants to be your boyfriend. He doesn't want to be your guy and that you whether it's him or someone else like minimum want someone who wants to be your boyfriend he doesn't want to be your boyfriend he's just willing to have you call you his girlfriend he's willing to have you call yourself his girlfriend that's it yeah he's willing to let you call with that he's willing to let you call himself his girlfriend he is not interested in being your boyfriend he's not even interested in being a boyfriend so you have to decide sense especially with our history with everything and how he was so not ready to not be selfish i guess um so do you want do you want

a boyfriend who wants to be your boyfriend whoever that boyfriend is or do you just want to be someone's girlfriend right i mean of course i want someone to want to be a boyfriend be my boyfriend well you have 100 power in that you just might not have total control on who that is and but you have to you you have total control who that is for anyone who fits that qualification like you can't make everyone ready and able or wanting to be your boyfriend and like i said like sometimes like when we do spend quality time because it's not like we never do it's not like he doesn't pay attention to me and i just sit there in the corner and be quiet and when we do it's great and i'm like and i feel like we're both having a good time and he's in a good mood and i'm in a good mood and i'm like why wouldn't you want that

your expectations are so low right now that's sad to hear but that makes sense yeah listen we've all been there no you know I've been there you'll you'll maybe someday be on the other side of things you know um you just have to be okay with letting him go and yes you have to sit him down with that you have to be like listen you got to say to him what i'm saying to you you don't want to be my boyfriend and it's cool i mean i'm mad i'm sad i'm not even mad i'm just bummed because obviously you know i care about you but that's not what you want you have friends you have your video games job school you have all these other priorities and like i'm not even in the top five and that's not what you want you have friends you have your video games job school you have all these other priorities and like i'm not even top five and that's fine but i just want to beg to be

a top priority for you you know and unless you're like you can like if you just want to be some guys like fifth priority just have them be your fuck buddy so you can have the freedom to like meet other people like why have a boyfriend kind of work for a bit and i mean yeah but why have a boyfriend if you're not in their top three of priorities you know especially like i just feel like if i were to say that he would be like that's not true like how like it doesn't matter what he said it's how you that's how you have the right to feel the way you do you don't feel like you are you know like and it's clear you know and like you don't feel like you are, you know, like, and it's clear, you know, and like, you don't want leftover him.

And if that's the most he can give his girlfriend, he has the right to that be his limit. But then you decide if you want to date someone who's so limited that giving such a little bit of his time is the most he can do. Right. That does make sense. And I mean, I just know myself and I know that if I were to go down the breakup path and really

be set in, okay, this might be the outcome, I just feel like in a week from then, I'd be like, oh, maybe those things weren't really a big deal or maybe it wasn't as bad and I just want to see him and spend time with him and I can put up with, that's my own problem. I know that. Yeah, it's called willpower and it's just not giving into like you know it's being comfortable

with being alone it's prioritizing the things you need the most it's knowing the difference between feeling a little bit alone and knowing that you're not lonely you know yeah it's just having these kind of standards for yourself. And having standards for yourself sometimes can feel lonely and difficult and doesn't always feel great. You know? Yeah. It's the adulting aspect of relationships.

Yeah, it is hard. And, again, no judgment if you don't take my advice, which I'm not suspecting you will right away but i think it's just one of these you know you're nothing's going to change unless you change it i'm confident in that like he's not going to magically cyclical at this point and i it's just so tough because i have these issues and they're reoccurring issues like i'm not just like nitpicking like oh you left your shirt on the ground or whatever it's not like stuff like that it's like it's reoccurring things and then it's just piling onto the list and i'm like i need to at least tell you what is bothering me and like

i mean say say i could have a good healthy conversation with him where he's willing to work with me do you think that there's any like sort of different approach i could take that might work for a guy better or i think it won't come across like a fight yeah but here's the thing at the end of the day you i don't know the analogy but it's just like he's not ready to be a boyfriend and you kind of knew that and you forced the issue you know like he's doing a lot wrong but like your stubbornness of like i like this guy i want to like this guy i want to make him my boyfriend he's giving me a laundry list of reasons why he's not he's not ready to be anyone's boyfriend now you know i could probably say this you could break

up with him and the next thing it turns in like super boyfriend with some girl and maybe maybe he's just not in that into you i don't know know, but he is not. He's most likely not interested in being anyone's boyfriend. Now, that doesn't mean he has mentioned, too, that he is not good at relationships. He hasn't had like a ton of experience with long term relationships where I have. I mean, even being young, all of my relationships have been. He doesn't want any expectations of himself. Right. So, like, let's say you broke up with him and then you found out through the grapevine

that he was dating someone else. And you'd probably freak out and be like, why wasn't I good enough for him? Like, no, she's just gonna be in your shoes a year from now. Like maybe someday he grows up and like is willing to be less selfish. And you know, he is only 24.

I mean, if he's making the mistake of being too selfish that he realizes he shouldn't just be dating anyone because he doesn't mind having the regular sex or, or like having the girl around sitting on his couch, waiting for him to be done playing video games. You're waiting on him constantly. And he's okay with that. And the nagging that he gets from you, it's like, you know, the cost benefit analysis is so far like in your favor. So to allow you to be his girlfriend at the end of the day, like you, you have a lot of power here. You're just not using any of your power, right?

Cause you're not, you're not willing to break up with a guy who's clearly not in a position to be the boyfriend that you want him to be. So, right. And I think he, I think what he's gotten out of all the time that we have spent together is that I will stick around and I will put up with it. Not that I won't call it out or not that I won't, you know, try to talk it through and say this is a boundary. No. And whatnot. But I think he kind of knows that I'll stick around. So you're definitely right in that aspect. It just bothers me when I'm trying to have these conversations and I'm just visibly upset, like sometimes to the point where I'm crying and it's not this big theatrics thing, but I'm just like getting emotional and he still just doesn't give me anything. And I'm like, does he not care? Is it like dramatic to him? Like, yeah, maybe, maybe all of the above. I don't know. What I do know is that he's just not in a position emotionally, mentally, or whatever to be the boyfriend that you know you deserve.

It's that simple. It's not that complicated. I know it's hard to follow through, but it is that simple. And you're going to have to process all the work and investment you've put into him in this relationship. And you're just gonna have to let it go yeah i mean i did just get a therapist so i think that will help me um yeah to start going there and i've been listening to like all these podcasts and just like tiktoks and stuff and i'm like trying to at least work on myself so that i know what how to handle something like that if that were to listen it's hard and messy but like even a therapist my therapist might help you like not backtrack whatever but like i don't know if you need a

therapist i mean i'm therapist might tell it like the same thing is and also keep in mind if you go get therapy which i think it's awesome that you're going like it's still not going to change him right exactly that's why i'm saying saying like I can work on myself at least so that if this weren't to work out, I wouldn't be a disaster and I wouldn't make mistakes and go back. And you got, you know, being comfortable with being alone, like again,

setting these boundaries for yourself, knowing that it's going to be, it's going to feel uncomfortable by holding other people to the standards you want for yourself because not everyone you want to respect your standards and boundaries is going to do that and you have to say goodbye to those people and only let people who will respect those boundaries in your life and that's not always going to match up and finding it is just sometimes just patience and patience requires you to be okay with being alone sometimes

in the middle you can like have some dates and and maybe like have a fuck buddy or whatever it is and you'll have to decide how you manage all that but right now you're wasting a lot of your energy and time with someone you clearly know isn't ready you know like it's yeah it's like you you know you've been like trying to restore this car that's you know it's never gonna work it's never gonna drive like it doesn't have an engine you know but you're well you know you're fixing the body and you're making it all good you're putting like three or four coats of paint on it and you're changing the tires there's just no fucking engine in it it's never gonna have an engine the parts aren't there and now that you're

saying this too i mean i'm thinking of myself and i am kind of like well maybe when he like grows up a little or he just got this new job that like maybe he'll be more secure and mature and yeah maybe when he's 34 yeah in 10 years are you willing to wait no 10 years yeah so that's for sure and truthfully when if you ever get the guts to end it like you shouldn't respond to him freaking out and begging for you back because it's he's not changing he's not changing for you he's just you just made him panic and he's just willing to do and say whatever he is to get you back into like this routine so and i think a lot of it too is um like a year and a half beforehand things were not very good he was definitely not a good partner at the time even if it wasn't official he

was not a good partner and i think that he knows how bad he was then that like compared to that he's like come on like look at all these changes like i'm good now like shut up about the rest like it's fine i don't know you gotta stop guessing what he's thinking it doesn't matter we know that he's not ready for a relationship again you make that list of things that you're hopeful for and grateful for like what are you hopeful for in this relationship i'm guess you're hopeful for a lot you hope he does x y and z you know you probably can make a list of 10 things you hope to have with this guy in your relationship and the things you're grateful for

like that he's your boyfriend that he has potential there's there's definitely good parts there's that like it's not all bad but no the relationship not him but like what he makes you feel like what he does for you like the things that you can't have with anyone else right you know

interesting yeah I think you just have to find this you just have to find the strength that like you know what you have to do i think that's a good first step and you just have to find the the guts and the strength to do it and i promise you whenever you do it will be hard but you will feel really good about yourself and if you can do this right it will set you up much better and empower you for all the other relationships you're going to have and when you find your power and you know how to control that power like you have power right now right it's not that you don't have power you're not using the power right because power is the i don't want to no fuck this i'm not putting up

with this that's power like what the fuck no i'm not no yeah i know i'm not wrong like and then you walk away from it and then when people start meeting you and you see the person who like has this power of not putting up with bullshit like trust me you will attract some really great people and yeah you will find people respect it more and and we'll find it it's just really hard to harness that power and you just have to that's what you should in therapy whatever like that's what you know 22 or whatever you know it doesn't really you know people don't find their power under their 50 but like right now since you're going through this this is a really great opportunity for you to be like if i can get this right now this is really going to help me in future relationships i just have to know when to accept things aren't the way i want

them to be i have to accept like putting an investment into something and knowing when to like cut my losses you know yeah yeah i definitely have to work on that and i mean a lot of the stuff you said is really hitting home so i do appreciate that. It's like stuff that I know, but. Well, don't beat yourself up. You're not alone. I've been in your shoes. So just, it's a real opportunity for you. It's just not what you want today. I know. Yeah. It's a good point. I appreciate everything you said today I know yeah it's a good point I appreciate everything you said I really do best of luck and when this episode

comes out just listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over and over play in the background all the time I know I'm not wrong here I don't doubt you are either alright well best of luck thank you so much alright take care Absolutely. I don't doubt you are either. All right. Well, best of luck.

Thank you so much. All right. Take care. How's it going? It's going well. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jen. Jen, how old are you? I'm 25.

How can I help, Jen? So I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I had been dating for a year. And I broke up with him because a few weeks ago, he had told me he was going to spend a chill night at home and go to bed early. Later that night, he accidentally sent me his location, which was from a nightclub in our area. And yeah, so instead of owning up to the fact that he decided to go out, he chose to lie about it. He told me that it was his friend's location that he had been sent. He was at home sleeping, et cetera, et cetera. So I told him I didn't want to be with someone who was going to be dishonest with me. And I ended the relationship. He did end up admitting the next day that he was

lying. So he was in fact out. But I felt like the trust had been broken at that point. And there wasn't really a way to come back from that. So now it's been a few weeks. He and I work together. So we see each other almost every day. And I'm struggling because this is my first real breakup, I would say. And so trying to deal with the emotions of losing a person in your life while also seeing them a lot is difficult. And on top of that, I feel like my feelings for him haven't gone away as quickly as the relationship did because it was kind of a quick cutoff to the relationship when this happened. So I guess my question is what advice you might have for trying to move on from a person who you see all the time and you still have feelings for?

Well, let's try to address the seeing all the time. What can you do to avoid that? I mean, I guess I've been trying to do it as much as possible. I guess, you know, we're pretty much in person at work, so I can be in my office. We don't share an office or anything. But it's not a big organization, so we do still run into each other. And we also do collaborate on certain projects, so it's not completely avoidable.

I'm just thinking here. So you caught him in this obvious lie you broke up with him do you feel like in your gut that maybe this was the first time you caught him but not the first time he lied he's not very good at it so i it it's hard for me to imagine that he's been doing it a lot well minus the sending you his location you had he not done that well the next day you'd have been like how's it going you're like oh yeah i got a good night's sleep you know i guess that's true but i guess even in like the storytelling aspect like i feel like if he if he did this a lot and i said i mean maybe he wouldn't have had to say that much about his night if he was pretending he went

to sleep but it feels like it's pretty. I don't even mean like this exact thing, like you went to a club, but like. Well, I guess it's been a pattern in our relationship that I tend to ask a lot of questions. So and if something doesn't make sense to me, I don't tend to let it go. Okay, that's good. So if there have been things like that, I do kind of ask and follow up. So if there have been things like that, I do kind of ask and follow up. So I feel like I would have been able to figure out most of what was going on if it had happened before.

But, I mean, I guess it's not impossible. Well, I think in these moments, the reason why I'm asking these questions, it's like you're better off deciding early on if this is something you are at all possible able to forgive or if this is a one-off mistake. And I'm not suggesting you should. And there's a good bet that he probably has lied a lot of other times and you just didn't catch him. But usually how these stories go is you'll break up with him out of anger because it's like you lied, I caught you in a lie, I have to break up with you, it's the right right thing to do and especially because of this proximity of working together

then you recognize you still have feelings for him like over time like we have a way of wanting to punish people who hurt us like he hurt you right he made you feel stupid he made you feel like an idiot and you breaking up with him isn't really breaking up with them. It's you punishing him. And after a while, you know, after they beg and whatever and show us that they're really sorry, because if they're really sorry and if we punish them enough, like we treat like a six-year-old, then they'll never do it again. Like we think that we're going to get ourselves more security

and more peace of mind by really making them feel sorry for this mistake. And that never works out well because you might punish him and he might be real sorry. You might make him bag, but that just creates resentment, you know, and then it's going to create other promised future in the relation in the relationship. So the reason why I asked that, I think you just need to sit down and be honest with yourself for the next few days. And there's no wrong answer. Like if you want to have some conversations with them and just put it all out there and to say, hey, I just need to know, like, I'm not mad. You know, I do care about you. Have you ever lied to me before? And just try to have a conversation. And if you are willing, if you think there's a part of you that's willing to forgive, you're better off forgiving them now and then working on these trust issues

and communication issues and setting boundaries about like, you don't get to lie to me just because you're afraid I'm going to be mad. You don't get to lie to me just because you want to do something and I might be upset. Also, why couldn't he just tell you

that he's going to go out with the boys? If he was like tell you that he's going to go out with the boys like would you if he was like hey i'm gonna go out with the boys like what would you have said i would have said okay which i've done a lot yeah like there is no precedent for me getting upset about something why did he need to lie to you like that's a weird that you know these are questions you should ask him right and because you're already someone who says like i can kind of spot a lie in my gut you know it sounds like you trust your gut to know to ask more follow-up questions sit down with them and see if you can kind of pass your test so to speak don't get like interrogate him a little bit well so i i did that once already yeah. So a few days after this all happened, I told him that I had more questions. And I was kind of trying to see, like, would he own up to everything and just put it all out there?

And then maybe we can move past it? Or was he going to keep lying? And so I asked him at what point did he decide that he was going to go out? Because he was trying to make it sound like it was an impulsive decision that he made late at night. He was being honest when he told me he was going to go to sleep and then he just changed his mind. But I felt like he knew before that. And I caught him in another lie about that. So the whole conversation led to him admitting that at least in the afternoon, he knew he was going to go out and decided to lie. So I feel like I don't see how we could be together. Because it doesn't feel at that point, once that happened, I was like, well, it's not a one off thing, right? He did it again, I gave him an

opportunity to say, this is exactly what happened. The lies are in the past, and he still was dishonest. Okay, that's fine. and i'm just glad you had that conversation but i just need you to kind of remember this moment right because if this is how you feel now it's how you should feel in two or three months like you can't forget how you feel now in this conversation you had and no amount of begging and pleading and I've changed should change how you feel, right? Because like if you think he's just kind of a liar, especially when it comes to tough situations and like you don't get points for telling the truth when it's convenient, right? So he's a liar because in tough situations he's choosing to lie

and no amount of work he's going to be able to do in himself is going to change who he is in the next few months, right? But we have a way of like getting lonely and sad and having our feelings and you thinking him begging and apologizing 300 times somehow is going to change him. And it's not. And then you'll get back together in three or four months and just like hope it's good. Nothing's changed. He just got you back. That's not. And then you'll get back together in three or four months and just like hope it's good.

And nothing's changed. He just got you back. That's it. So if you are deciding it is over and it's okay to take some time to decide if it's really over. But my real point of all this is to really take some time to really come to a clear decision.

And then if you decide it's over, now we can talk about the, how do you move on part? Because you still have feelings for the guy. And the, you know, the answer is it's, it's hard to do and kind of simple. It just takes some time and some willpower, right? It sucks that you work with them. So that's going to make it even harder, right? You're just going to have to fucking deal, you know, like when you look at at him you should imagine like liar tattooed to his forehead you know like you need to like do some of these simple things like kind of make a list of the things that you didn't like about the relationship and things that you want and how

like i you imagine what it's like being in a relationship with someone you can't trust you imagine being in a relationship with someone that like gives you that kind of pit in your stomach of like, I don't know if they're telling me the truth and how uneasy that makes you feel. And you don't forget how he made you feel in that moment. And if you keep obsessing over that rather than obsessing about being lonely and how you miss him and how like you used to like do fun things together, you'll get over him. You just really have to have some willpower. And you have to, if you're going to be obsessive over one thing, you'll get over them. You just really have to have some willpower. And if you're going to be obsessive over one thing, you obsess over the shit he didn't do for you. And then you give yourself some space and time and some grace to get over it and recognize

that it might take some time. It might take a month or two. It might take six months, you know, but you, you don't give in to, you know, moments of loneliness and you try to date and you don't date to replace him, you know, cause dating other people isn't going to like make you stop having feelings. But what dating other people is going to do is just introduce you to more people. It's going to like give you options. It's going to make you feel empowered, especially if you're gonna date without any expectations right you're just you're dating to just meet and expand your comfort zone and you're gonna hate most of these guys and maybe one out of ten you might be like yeah not a bad time see how it goes you know and if you do that like like over time, you will care about him less and you'll just, you know,

look more to the future. And, you know, there's no perfect way that's, but that's the best I can do in terms of help, you know, but you, it's going to be hard and that's okay. You have to accept that it's going to be a bit of a challenge. And then you have to have the willpower to obsessively think about how he hurt you and what a relationship would be like with a liar. And that's what he's proven to you to be. Okay. Yeah.

Is it always better to go cold turkey than to still communicate or? There's no reason to talk to him other than for work purposes. Yeah. Okay. And every time you say no to him, you should literally give yourself a pat on the back. It's hard to say no to someone you care about, you want something from, and you say no and be like,

good for me, good for me. I said no. You got to give yourself a pat on the back for those small victories. It's like you get into shape, right? And it's hard to work out, and especially if you don't work out on a normal basis, the first day you don't work out, you know like you get into shape right and it's hard to work out and especially if you don't work on a normal basis the first day you work out but you know you also you work three days in a row you work out four days in a row now you've been working out for every day for three weeks it's a lot easier to keep working out and you're like i've man i'm on

like a i'm on a good streak here i don't want to ruin the streak so like every time you say no to them like you should think about that. You shouldn't mark, like I've said no to this motherfucker 23 times in a row. Like why would I give in? Like I have such a good streak here. You know, like little things like that.

You should prioritize that. Don't dismiss saying no to them because it'll A, get easier and B, you'll be less likely to give in when you're like, I'm not going to give up on this streak. We all love a good streak. Even Snapchat, your streaks meant nothing and people were going nuts over like a streak.

Like, I don't even know. Like you got nothing from it, but people were still doing it. Can't break the streak. So there you go. You're doing great. You did the right thing. I'm sorry you got your heart broken. I'm sorry, but it's better you found out now.

And what a blessing, whether it's God or karma or whatever it is you want to believe in gave you that signal that that he was lying to you because you wouldn't have found out and he's probably a much better liar than you realize thank you all right best of luck love the glasses thank you have a good one all right you take care how it going? Hey, I'm Heather and I'm 28 years old. Hi, Heather. How can I help? So I have a bit of a long story, so I'm trying, going to try to shorten it for you. Um, I have this guy friend, my best guy friend that I've known for close to 15 years now. So in high school, growing up, we were super close, but we've always only just been friends. So like the most I've ever done is hug this man. So everybody always thought there was maybe something between us, but never anything like that, just strictly platonic. So as we got older, I moved off to to college we ended up growing apart

he ended up marrying somebody and we just weren't as close anymore for obvious reasons so you know fast forward years from that time um he's actually getting a divorce now and so we reconnected this year through social media and he reached out and just said, you know, he missed me and wanted to catch up and, you know, just see how each other was doing. So we kind of just fell back into our ways of being best friends, kind of like no time had passed and everything was the same as it used to be like 10 years ago.

So we ended up hanging out finally. You know, we had been talking a lot up until that point, texting. He was calling me a lot. But it still felt just like a friendship because it was the same as it had always been. So we met up. He actually started telling me about this girl that he had started talking to. So I really felt like we were just friends. That was fine. But we were drinking and just hanging out for like a long time. We ended up coming back to my apartment and just like starting a movie to watch. And then things changed. He just like out of nowhere grabbed me and kissed me. So I kissed him back and I felt like things started to go in a direction that we shouldn't go. So I told him I thought we should

stop. Even though I guess, I mean, I liked it and I felt like I liked him. I just was really taken off guard. And so he was like, you're right. This will mess up everything. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. And I was like, okay. And he went to leave. And when he went to leave, he kissed me again. And I thought that we weren't going to do that. So that was really confusing. And that's like, of course, when I felt something, I was like, Oh great. Like I feel like I like him now and he left and I was spiraling for the rest of the night. Pretty much. Um, we talked the next day, but it was like our old friend friendship, like nothing about what had happened. And so, um,

I reached out to him a couple of days later, just called him and I just told him I just wanted to talk. And I think he definitely knew about what, but he was busy and he said that he would let me know like that night when he got done doing whatever he was doing. But he did not check up and it's been a few days now. So I just kind of let it go. And now I think, for lack of a better term, he might be ghosting me, which is great because he's my best friend. And I just don't really know where to go from here. Yeah, it's not really ghosting.

I think people are misclassifying. He's avoiding you, that's for sure. Yes, yeah. I think people are misclassified. He's avoiding you. That's for sure. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Ghosting is a little bit more severe than that. Like we've made it a little more casual, but he's definitely avoiding you. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Like this is kind of a sucky situation for you. My guess is, is that how old is he? I guess 30.

Yeah, 30. Okay. Well, the good news is that he could easily feel rejected by you. And there's that. He's going through a divorce. So his emotional and kind of mental state of mind might just be fragile. You know, I don't know if he's left his wife or his wife left him or it just was a sucky marriage,

but like it would make sense if he's just not like his best self and kind of bouts of selfishness or sloppiness or who knows, but then you, it's not great that he's handling it the way he's doing, the way he is doing it. So you can, I think you should like not forget that. You have a couple options. One, you could chalk it up to like,

clearly this guy's is a bit of a mess right now and it's unclear what he wants. And yeah, I'm excited about it. But like, do I really want to deal with this? You know, is this just a mess that can only be a bigger mess because he has to process his divorce and i don't i don't want to be a rebound i don't want to there's a lot of reasons for you to just and like is he really your best friend or like you have other friends yeah that's a good point yeah i'm sure like

he's not your best friend. He's like a guy that you're really close with and he does a lot of boyfriend things with you and you confide and talk, et cetera, et cetera. But like, you know, you would be losing a friend, you know. You've already lost him, so you'll be fine, you know. So like you'll be okay. If this is something you want to pursue then if he's

not you could just text him be like listen i'm sorry i got caught off guard the other night to be honest after you left i kind of wish i would have had you stay yeah would you like to go on a date and you could put yourself out there and see. And I have no idea what he's going to say. There's a good chance he's avoiding you because for all he knows, you want to talk to him and explain why he made a move on you and be like, hey, I thought we're just friends. And he doesn't want you to reject him the second time.

It could really go either way based on what you're telling me right well i called him after the fact like after he left because i couldn't sleep and i just told or i asked i said like why now after all this time and he said he didn't have a great answer he basically just said like he felt like the timing was right and then said that he didn't do it because he had been drinking but then he was like this isn't going to change anything like you're still going to be my best friend and we'll talk and i'll call you like i always do but uh that has not been the case but i don't like the biggest so wait after he made out with you is like he's like i still

want to be like so well i think he was saying that because i said that i obviously don't know it but i felt like he was kind of like mirroring what i and i never said like i just want to be your friend i just said like i'm confused about what did you ever really want to be just his friend i don't know it's been like it's weird because we were so close in high school but like we never went there and then now i'm like why would we go there now but like yeah I don't know. It's been like, it's weird because we were so close in high school, but like we never went there. And then now I'm like, why would we go there now?

But like, yeah, high school doesn't mean high school is irrelevant. I mean, it's just, it's just not relevant. He's got it. He's been married and divorced.

Yeah. Honestly, you have the power here. The choice is yours. You can make a move, put yourself out there. He might reject you. He might not 50, 50. Right. But is yours. You can make a move, put yourself out there. He might reject you. He might not 50,

50, right? But if you're going to make a move, you should just be very direct. Hey, I've decided I want us to go on a date house Friday. You should be that direct. Yeah.

I don't want to be your friend. You know, I think you're great. I think you should be very clear. i'm hey i've been thinking a lot about what happened the other night i think we should go on a date i'm not interested in we're never going to be friends just friends like either we're going to end up either you're going to take me on a date and we're going to fall in love or we're going to meet other people and stop being friends just like we stopped being friends when you were married yeah all right so i would like to go on a date with you

house friday see what he says he might turn you down you'll feel bad you'll get over it or you can come to the conclusion that maybe you're just um trying to fulfill something that, you know, again, even though high school doesn't matter, you've had in your mind that like, this has been big, long story buildup and you've romanticized this relationship and blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. But when you look at it for what it is, he's not that great. He's a mess. He's got a bunch of shit going on and it just might be a whole mess i don't i don't have

an answer for you but you have to decide over the next you know two days what you want to do you can always change your mind you know you can start dating them and and just because you go on a date the day could go badly in three weeks you could be like i don't like you anymore you know like asking them on a date and going on a date isn't like getting married you know well i say that because a lot of people just oh i finally got what i want i'm just i'm all in um yeah so you are in the driver's seat here it doesn't mean it's all going to go the way you planned and want doesn't mean you can't get disappointed but you have options in this moment right and those i think the hardest part is just that i definitely feel like he's in like a fuck boy phase right now

like when i told you about the other girl like that's intimidating to me because like he how he already has another option so i'm just like do i even try when i know that like he's off i mean and i get it like he was married for however many years, like he's doing his own thing. But like, I'm not that hookup girl. Like I'm not going to be whoever that girl is. I think for him, whatever you decide with this guy, I think it's just really important for you to be very kind of a boss lady with this guy, especially you don't, you very like you just tell him exactly what you want

did you don't be afraid of hurting his feelings be like hey i think you're in a fuckboy stage that's that's like you should go i don't know like i it's not i don't i don't want stop you need to stop pretending to be friends with him stop you know i'm afraid i'm gonna lose my best friend no you've already lost it's not your friend you weren't were you friends when he was married no yeah and well and see he's like you're my best friend like and i'm like and i've even told don't let him say that we're not friends like we did not talk for years if a boss woman like don't don't put up with that bullshit stop him dead in his tracks like that stupid you're being an't don't put up with that bullshit stop him dead in his tracks

like that's stupid you're being an idiot don't talk to me that way don't talk to me like i'm an idiot like just because like hey you know what listen there's plenty of chicks out there i get it you're divorced you want to go do your thing not with me i'm not i'm not that person and that's okay i'm not mad at you but we're not friends if you ever want to be serious with me and respect the fact that i don't have time to waste i am down to go on a date with you but get it out of your system i don't you know but just don't be passive with them be in control you are in control as long as you're not afraid to have them not in your life you'll be in control and there's no reason other than romanticizing the past for you to be afraid to lose him

you know like he's hot is all i've really heard about this guy yeah i mean he's he's a great guy i'm sure i can't tell you everything i know about him but yeah i mean i'm sure he's a total swell guy. I don't even feel like I know him anymore. You don't. Yeah, exactly. You definitely don't know him. I know who I used to know, and that's what's weird. It's like we're acting like it's still 10 years ago, and it's not. So, yeah.

So you recognize that you probably need to... You need to approach this situation a little bit more maturely and realistically. You're already on that path you recognize it now you just need to apply it and whatever you do with him you need to just not be afraid to not have him in your life and if you can especially with what you have now right no things might change you might date and then like that might get a little scary but right now you have nothing to be afraid of in terms of losing him in your life and if you approach that no matter what happens it's going

to be fine you know yeah and you'll probably get him to go on a date with you know you might you might catch a fuck boy by like being so being so uh unafraid to lose him but yeah just don't be passive don't let him waste your time call him out But yeah, just don't be passive. Don't let him waste your time. Call him out when he's avoiding you and be like, stop being a little whatever and call me back. Like, grow up.

That's what's hard for me now because I called him. He knows that I wanted to talk and then I was like, all right, I'm going to try one more time. And when he didn't, I was like, I'm done. Because I just feel like, I mean, a part of that's like embarrassing

you know like what do you mean let's hear your ego it's not really embarrassing well it is like it definitely is my ego yeah like I don't want to reach out to him again after I've already done this well then be done then be done I think that's why I'm

scared to like say something one more time, because I know if he doesn't say anything that I have to be done, which will be fine. But yeah, you should not be afraid of that. Why is it going to suck? What are you like?

What are you losing? I'm just curious. I think I just hate losing. Cause in that case, I kind of am the loser. How so? Like, because you did it.

I feel like it looks like I care more. Like, you know, it's like a power thing. Like, honestly, it's an ego thing. Sure. Okay. Yeah. But like by who's like who's keeping score here other than your ego? You don't even know his state of mind.

Right. The only thing you're going to lose out right now, it sounds like, is to be a notch on his belt. If he wanted to date you you he'll go on a date with you and he might there's a chance he might be confused with his feelings or felt rejected and maybe his ego's a little bruised again so you could put yourself out there and say listen i think we should go on a date i don't want to be your friend if you're interested in like not wasting my time i think we should go on a date if you need to like date around i totally get it i'm not your girl yeah also let's not be

friends we're not friends also i'm not your friend either way it's cool but that is what i want i feel like that's where i was headed anyways but I'm just like I don't want to text that that's the last thing I want to do why I mean you might have to you don't think that's lame so the text is not like I mean it'd be great if it'd be great if he called you but like yeah lame what you know I don't know if your ego is going to be so bent out of shape if you didn't respond, then don't. Yeah. I don't know what –

I just want to get a certain point. What do you – It's too long. What's too long? Has too much time already passed? Like is this just dumb at this point? How many days has it been? Like a week and a half ago.

You just need to figure out if you're done be done yeah don't be done until he reaches out you know what i'm saying like are you that's the thing like they always come back i know i'm gonna hear from him again eventually so but like that could be a year from now like that like you don't know when that'll be. If you're going to, yeah. But it doesn't matter when it is. Either you decide now if you're done. So like if you're being done now until they reach out means that he has all the power and you have none. Yeah. I'm not done.

You're just waiting on him. If you're going to decide to be done, you don't need a response from him. You don't need to let him know. You can just be done. And if he happens to reach out, doesn't bother you. You decided you were done yeah it might take some willpower might take some follow-through you can block him now you might not you you know you can do it what the fuck you want he's just some guy you were friends with in high

school yeah i feel like i'm the kind of person that needs some kind of closure so i feel like for my like sure but you don't need to say something you don't need right you definitely don't need it from him if you are gonna reach out to him the only reason you should reach out to him is to shoot your shot and be very clear about what you want from him at the risk of him disappointing you you don't need to reach out to him to explain what he should already know that like he's being immature and he's being disrespectful you don't like you're not his mom you're not even his girlfriend you you're you're barely his friend he doesn't need a lecture from you like that that's not gonna do you any good yeah and and

it could still backfire because what if he doesn't respond to that yeah so the only scared of get over yourself you know you know like i'm just you know come on like what's the worst that can happen if you reach out to him the only reason you should reach out to him is to shoot your shot and go for it which is a totally legitimate option or be done and be done on your terms not his okay yeah i mean i think i know what i need to do i just have to decide all right you have this you just have to give yourself you know find that strength you have it just i do don't hate being don't like don't you know commit the same crime that you're mad that he's committing right now and that is ultimately being immature right and yeah you're mad that he's committing right now. And that is ultimately being immature.

Right, yeah. And if you're mature, then you will do the two things that I said, either shoot your shot or be done. And anything other than those two things is you some version of immaturity and giving into your ego and not having willpower and making excuses and giving into your ego and not having willpower and making excuses and giving into boredom, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Okay. There's plenty of other hot guys out there. True. Yes. I'm just like not willing to waste my time at this point. You are wasting your time right now with him. Yeah. So. Yeah. to waste my time at this point you are wasting your time right now with him yeah so yeah and if you're done and he reaches out and you take his call that's a huge waste of time so that's why i

feel like i need to say something like i feel like i didn't just shoot my shot like you said and then he can either reject me or i guess be with me and then not be with you go on a date with you do something yeah but yeah I say that because it's just like just because you go on a date you might you can still realize he's not your guy a lot of people know yeah I mean totally I don't know I mean I don't even know if I would like him like that like I liked him for one night but there you go that's one night yeah all right good luck see Good luck. See how it goes. Thank you so much. Yeah. Be hard on yourself. Like hold yourself to a high standard here. Yes. You know, whatever you do,

what's going to make you really proud of yourself? What's going to make you feel good about yourself and do that. Okay. Got some things to think about, but I appreciate it. All right. Best of luck. All right.

Thanks. Bye. Thanks for listening, everybody. Don't forget to sending your questions at ask Nick at cast me.com cast with a K for your submissions. Need those questions. We'll be back Tuesday night for Bachelor in Paris Tyler Merritt on Wednesday thanks for listening

see you tomorrow