The Viall Files - E314 Ask Nick - Hope Isn’t Going To Get You There

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

On today's episode of Ask Nick our first caller is in a rotating pattern with the same guy: they hook up, they try to define the relationship, and then they break up. She, however, keeps reaching out to him when she ends other relationships to hook up and needs to understand both of their choices. Our second caller was thrown into a long distance relationship because of school and is feeling like she is 100% in the relationship but feels like her partner is becoming distant. Third, we speak with someone who is divorced and jumping into the dating scene but is nervous that she is scaring people away with the expectations she is putting on people. Finally, cheating was the catalyst that broke our last caller up with her boyfriend and she is still trying to figure out what could make her feel better about the situation.  “Date with low expectations…” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: http://www.article.com/VIALL to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.  Fable: http://www.fablehome.co use the code VIALL to take 10% off your first purchase Grove: http://www.grove.co/VIALL you will get to choose a FREE gift with your first order of $30 or more. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition we appreciate you listening i hope you had a great weekend if you are tuning in on monday uh other than that i hope you're having a great day uh i'm with the the team uh chrissy's back from vacation welcome back chrissy thank you ellen amanda are here how are you doing ladies absolutely grand great good i just got back from santa cruz it was a good time awesome what why is what's what's you sound chipper amanda oh well i was i was being a little bit sarcastic because you know last time i mentioned i was like oh yeah i'm moving to a neighborhood where all three of my exes live so So I was, ex is a loose term.

There's one of my exes and then two people who I like hooked up with for a little while. The legitimate ex, the meaningful relationship, the, I love you. I thought we were going to get married, all that stuff.

He lives down the street from me. I just found out like down the street, like down the block. Bummer. But like, you know, he's your ex. So you can. Yeah. It's just like, what like what la is so big like what are the odds do you want to date him absolutely not then it's fine

that's simple i guess right yeah no it should it's like it is simple i'm like we were saying like just because we live close by doesn't mean we need to like force a friendship now if we're not ready for it but i'm oh so you're already texting well yeah we like yeah you're such a why well i just i like because i pride myself of being friends with my exes. And since he lives on the same street, like- I do. Well, because like, first of all, we haven't been texting constantly. It was just like, reached out.

Cause like, there's this bakery that we would always go to in Chicago that was really close to the movie theater. Like passed by one in LA. It was like, oh, passed by this. And then, cause I'd been meaning to sort of ask now that I didn't want to know where he lived while I was figuring out where I was living because I didn't want to take that into account can I ask a question you didn't want to know where he lived but you wanted to send

him a memory of a bakery that the two of you went to when you lived in a completely different place now that you live close together like I didn't want to know where he lived when I was making the decision and then now that I've like decided signed a a lease, et cetera. Now I was like, okay, now I want to know where he lives. So then I, so then we talked a little bit about that. I don't know why you're talking to him at all. Because he's not, we didn't have some like big dramatic blow up. Fine. You don't have to, I didn't tell you to hate him.

I don't, not telling you to hold on to anything. I'm telling you to be indifferent by someone who's not your friend and not your boyfriend. They're just part of your past. And the past is the past. You don't, you know, you're trying to make them part of your present. So you think there is no justifiable reason for being in contact with someone you dated? Not for the sake of saying I'm friends with all my exes it's i'm not like collecting my little ex-friend trophies like that's what it sounds like why do

you want to like what do you what do you need you have a ton of friends uh you don't need a handyman or like nor should you want him to be that guy. Like what? I was thinking about being like, could you help me move? Which I know is so inappropriate. The three of us, the three of us women on this show are all sit here and listen to Nick week after week. We give each other the advice that Nick gives us.

However, we never take it for ourselves. And we continue in these terrible patterns. Honestly, thank God because then I have a show. I don't think I'm fine. I just sit at home, so I'm actually the greatest. I'm the best one on this team.

Yeah, I was going to say, like, Ellie has her own. Ellie's good. She's always like, I went up to him, he said no, and I was like, fine, bye. Sometimes she's a little closed off and she could be a little bit more open to new possibilities, but other than that, she's a little closed off and she could be a little bit more you know open to new possibilities but yeah other than that she's doing just fine but the three the three of us can tell each other what the other one's doing that's wrong but i do i will say even chrissy and amanda like

pain i don't like pain i just like to you know i i think I have a um sometimes a bit of hubris I think yeah I think a bit of happy-go-lucky hubris where I'm like I believe in I think maybe I have toxic positivity sometimes yeah you know what you kind of do like I just I want harmony you know hear me out hear me out I've heard you out five times. But I will say, even if I don't specifically take the advice, what you talk about on the show does remind me of stuff. Even if I'm not fully taking the advice, I'm absorbing it slowly. Listen, none of us take...

I wonder how many people... I know a lot of people take my advice on the show. They've emailed us and we've done some recaps, but's never right away i don't think yeah rarely there's a lag probably right there's a lag uh but it affects people i am where i am i told you guys i had some girl come up to me in subway because i was wearing a biofile sweatshirt and she took your advice and it's helped her life. No, I'm very thankful for this show, especially the ass naked.

I've always said it's incredibly rewarding because it seems at least a couple people find it helpful and we're all learning and we can all make fun of this team and I include myself in that as well. You definitely don't need to fucking talk to this guy, Amanda. Like at all. I still really support and believe in him. Right.

From afar. I support and believe my exes who I have no contact with. And overall, I think they're good humans. And I wish them well. And I hope they're happy. Most of my labors live on my street. I've never met. It's fine.

It's a street. That's so city. I just, yeah. It's going to be bad. You live in Montana, Chrissy. Everybody knows everything here. Can't fart without someone knowing. We have a great episode for you really um i mean i

think uh especially all our ask nicks are great episodes we've got some really really great relatable stories um and i think you will really enjoy so make sure you listen all the way through and uh jam-packed to the end don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K. If you're able and you're on your phone or your laptop, you want to give us a five-star review, we always appreciate that, especially our Ask Nick callers. We love hearing some of your positive stories

about listening to the show. We have the Bachelor in Paradise recap coming for you Tuesday night. And then right after that, Wednesday, a very special episode with the wonderful, lovable, adorable Michael from Katie's, from Michael's season or Katie's season, whatever. A lot of answers.

Is Michael the next Bachelor? Was he offered the Bachelor? Who willael the next bachelor was he offered the bachelor who will be the next bachelor does he still have the same feelings towards katie how does he feel about the katie and greggy situation has any of his opinions changed about his experience katie or the bachelor since then a lot to unpack and michael will be here to answer all those burning questions so be sure to tune in to that. That's on Wednesday. How about we just get to this episode? How's it going? Hi, my name is Annie and I'm 38 years old. Hi, Annie. How can I help?

Okay. So this is kind of a two-part question. It involves two men. So I was dating this guy for four months. We had a pretty good relationship, no issues. We saw each other weekly. We talked every day. And then about three weeks ago, I messaged him because I had felt he was being a little bit distant for like a week or two before. So I messaged him and I said, you know, I'm feeling like you're being a little bit distant. I'm not sure if something's going on, but if you can provide some clarity for me about what's happening. And he responds back with, so I wasn't pursuing other women, but I connected with somebody that I knew prior to the pandemic and I'm in love with her. He opened by saying I wasn't pursuing. So he basically was like, love found me. Yeah.

And he's like, I'm in love with her. And because I'm in love with her, I can no longer see you, even though we were dating. And OK, so then he says, but I want to be your friend. OK, so my response was, well, sorry, I can't be your friend. And I don't want to have any communication, you know, further. and I really don't want to have any communication, you know, further. I kind of did explain that, you know, I thought that he was being deceitful towards me,

that I didn't know he was dating other women. And I kind of was just taken by surprise. But, okay, so that was that. I blocked him. It was over. But I was really pissed after that. I think, like, I was just angry and upset. So I thought it was a great idea for me to reach out to my ex. Okay. So I reached out to my ex that I've known for a few years and we end up hooking up that night. So that's really the question is around the ex. So I want to give you

some background on like our history. Okay. So I met this guy in 2017 and we dated for about two months. And at that time, you know, I kind of asked him if we could be exclusive or if we could be more serious and he was being very avoidant and that's how it ended in 2017. Okay. In 2018, we hung out like one time for a hookup. Um, and that was it. And then in 2020, we dated for about three months in the summer. And, um, we talked a lot and it was a little bit more, I guess, dating than hooking up like we did in the past. And I had asked him in August of 2020, you know, again, the same thing I asked in 2017. I want us to be exclusive. I want something more than this.

And he was being avoidant again. Okay. So I ended it. So November 2020, we hang out again, hook up, same situation. And we get into an argument and he blocks me. So he blocks me on his phone but then he says well here's my email address if you ever need to contact me which is weird um so then fast forward to july 2021 when he was the ex that i uh contacted to hook up with

what do you say x i mean were you guys ever boyfriend and girlfriend? Doesn't sound like it. Not boyfriend and girlfriend, probably more of like a friends of benefits. Okay. Yeah. All right. So then you got mad and then reach out to him and be like,

Hey, I need to have some sex. Yeah. And so in the last. Just out of curiosity, when you did that, like I recognize you were mad and you acknowledge that you were mad. Were you aware of your decisions and were you like, I'm mad and whatever.

This is probably a bad idea. I'm going to do it anyways. Or what was your thought process? I knew it was a bad idea. Okay. Because I had already, you know, tried to date him many times and there wasn't really any movement. Yeah. You know, I am, you know, we do have a connection and I am close with him in the sense that we know a lot about each other.

So it's not just like, you know, we don't know each other at all. But I knew it was a bad. I mean, I know a lot about a lot of people I don't even like let alone don't feel a connection with like yeah um so yeah so i knew it was a bad decision but you know i was like me and him always had at least a good connection uh sexually so if that was what i wanted that was a good decision to make at that time you think it was a good decision if i I wanted to just have sex, yes. Because that was the end goal. You say, if you wanted to just have sex, did you just want to have sex? Because it sounds like what you wanted was to

not focus on the guy who just upset you. I think at the moment, yeah, I agree with you that that is the truth. But at the moment, I thought I just wanted to have sex, you know. I mean, looking back, I'm a serious question. Do you really think that? Are you having revisionist history? Because I'm just listening to you. Like, I don't know. I wasn't there. I wasn't in your head when you made that decision.

But just be careful not to remember that situation to make yourself feel better i mean also like listen if if you made a bad decision you made a bad decision at the end of the world it is important as we talk about just to be honest with yourself about what was motivating that decision you know what's the end of the world if you're like yeah i i sure i mean i wanted to have sex but it wasn't just about the sex and and then you're saying well if if wanted to just have sex, then it was a good decision. You know, you should be aware of your bad decisions and you should be aware of your good decisions and you should be able to be honest with yourself about which ones are which. And I'm hearing you trying to justify bad decisions and i'm just saying in general big

picture wise that's it's a slippery slope and it's gonna get you to make more bad decisions because every time you're faced with a dilemma you have a way of justifying it and all i'm saying is these bad decisions well not you know, you know, we say bad, but like not the end of the world. We all make, we make bad decisions every day. People, if there are two rooms in your house that need a refresh, refresh, refresh after last year, tell you what, it's a good chance it could be your bedroom and your home office. Really any home that needs an office. Look to Article First for some of their amazing quality, high-end furniture for a low-end price.

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Fable. Chrissy and I are obsessed with our fable. Is it dinnerware? Dishware? Dinnerware. Dinnerware. Dinnerware. Anyways, it's so amazing. Like all lifewear. We've had some dishes and bowls in our house that were fine,

but this dinnerware really made us feel like adults who can entertain and fancy. And like I said, I put some new shelving in our kitchen, covered up a window, and we display our fable dinnerware outside. We don't even hide it. It's part of the aesthetic. It's beautiful. Dinnerware is crafted in hand-finished in Portugal. It's made with recycled clay and has zero waste facility.

It's elegant. It's beautiful. It's affordable. And you're doing great things for the environment. At least you're not hurting it. I love how they look. The possibles are great. I mean, Possible's, is that something that a lot of people...

If you have a good Possible, you know what I'm talking about. Like, it's great. Now I have a good Possible, so now I know. Like, most people, like I have my whole life, use a plate or like a cereal bowl. Yeah. No, you need a Possible. And Possible, like, it tastes better when you have an appropriate pasta bowl. Can't say enough about head to

fablehome.co and use the code V I A L to take 10% off your first purchase. That's fablehome.co F A B L E H O M E.co and use code V I A L for 10% off your first purchase. You won't regret it. No, I think you're right. I think I made the decision at that moment out of anger. I probably didn't really think it through. Okay. Yeah. That sounds more honest.

Yeah. So yeah. So then we, in the last three weeks, we hung out about twice. So you reached out, you're angry, you had some sex and then you kept communicating. Yeah. you're angry, you had some sex and then the, the, you can't, you kept communicating. Yeah. Um, I guess the week after we originally, um, hooked up, like he messaged me like three times that week to hang out again, two of them, I couldn't hang. And then, uh, the last one I said, yeah, I can hang out. Um, and then it was kind of what it always is, you know? Um, and, um,

I didn't bring up though, you know, why do we keep doing this, but there's no, there's nothing more to this. Like, why can't we date or be something more? And again, it's kind of the avoidance. So that was where my question leads is, you know, like from a guy's perspective, like, you know, once they just have like a friends with benefits, you know, do they put them in this woman in the box of I'm only going to sleep with her and then nothing else will come of it. You asked why do we keep doing this? Well, I mean, you keep doing it because I mean, call it a box or whatever. He doesn't want to date you.

Nothing's changed to make him want to date you. He's always been willing to sleep with you. to make him want to date you. He's always been willing to sleep with you. He's always been willing to have you in his life, even when he blocked you, like he gave you his email. So I don't know what that was about. And certainly it sounds silly and could be a variety of reasons why he did that. And again, I don't know him. I haven't talked to him. I don't know what his emotions, but it sounds like based on what you're telling me is that he just doesn't want to date you. And so he's just, you know, boxes. I don't know. Like, I know we have some fun with these boxes of, you know, what guys put you in. And as far as you're concerned, it just seems like he's

unwilling or uninterested in going past the relationship you have, which is strictly just physical or just kind of based off mostly out of convenience. It was very convenient for you even to be upset about someone else and have the confidence that you could reach out to this guy to have sex with them. I mean, think about that. For all the things that you didn't get from this guy that you wanted, like a relationship, in the moment of you being so upset, you're like, you know, I know who I can call. I can call Dan and I can have sex with him. So that was very convenient for you

and you were very comfortable. So that's the relationship you have with him. And, you know, and that convenience is, you know, that's probably why he doesn't want to give that up too. I mean, I don't, have you ever asked him why you don't want, he doesn't want to give that up too. I mean, I don't, have you ever asked him why you don't want, he doesn't want to be romantic with you? I've tried, but I don't really get far with, you know, him giving any reasons. What do you mean? So you've literally asked him, what do you mean you've tried? Yeah. Like in 2020, when we were dating, I had asked him like,

you know, why don't you want to be more than, you know, just kind of just friends with benefits. And he'll say like, oh, I'm busy right now. I can't talk about that. Like literally giving me no, no answer at all. Gotcha. You know, like it completely avoided. So it's, I brought it up, you know, over the years, but. What do you mean? You keep saying avoidant. Are you referring to like an attachment style? You know, I don't think I know him well enough to completely say that, but I think with my interactions with him, yeah, he's pretty avoidant towards any serious conversation.

Yeah. I mean, he doesn't want to have that conversation with you because he doesn't want to be in that relationship. And yes, it is disappointing that he doesn't at least give you the respect that I, you know, of, of answering your questions yeah um you know from you like from a guy's point of view I don't know if it's really guy's point of view it's you know he's like what

is your out like what do you like are you thinking about are you hoping to date him again like what's what's your big question I mean I guess what were you expecting um you know it's not like i'm like oh this is guy's amazing and he's the one for me you know um i think i wanted to just explore if he could be something more because we've hooked up all these years you don't think you've explored it i'm talking about you i don't mean like you've had sex with him you've asked him if you want to be a romantic he doesn't even have, he's not willing to have that conversation with you. You keep saying he's avoidant. You've explored that. So you found out a lot of information about him. You referred to

calling it a comfort level you have with him based off of how much you know about him. And now you're saying you don't feel like you've explored it i mean again i know as a couple you guys haven't quote unquote explored it together but you've done plenty of exploring on him and i haven't heard one thing out of your mouth that would tell me you've explored to the point where you're like i i explored and i really like this about him other than maybe his face and the sex which are nice but what makes you feel comfortable or confident that if you other than maybe his face and the sex, which are nice, but what makes you feel comfortable or confident that if you, other than getting what you want, which is to be your boyfriend or explore it together, what are things that you want? What do you like? What does he

have? What is he giving out into the world that you're not getting that you know he's capable of maybe it is a you know physical attraction really that's more than other men okay well and that's maybe that's why i'm drawn to it okay well that's good to acknowledge and while that's important i i'm obviously um it's big for me to have that in my relationship there are a lot more other aspects as we all know that you know you're gonna need is it so great with him i think better than anyone else you know that's hard to overcome yeah it's more like he's it's more like it's more like he's got you hooked than anything you know hooked on the good sex or you're hooked on, on that. But yeah. I mean, you also started this up as, you know, acknowledging that it was solely based off of, you know,

wanting to not think about the other situation. Yeah. I think it's interesting that you say like, that I use him for convenience too, because I don't really think I thought of it that way, but I think that that's, you know, a good perspective that maybe I wasn't really aware of. Yeah. Well, I think it's pretty clear that you are, you know,

you didn't think twice about picking up that phone when you were mad at someone else. That's super convenient. How many people have someone like on speed dial for some really great sex? Yeah. And like hours later I was already at his house, you know, it was some really great sex. Yeah. And like hours later, I was already at his house. You know, it was like a quick turnaround. Yeah. So that sounds pretty convenient. Well, thank you. I think that was a good perspective. I think, you know, I'm playing

the same role in the situation that he is, which is convenience. Yeah. I mean, other than the fact that, you know, you'd be willing to date him and he's not willing to date you. But I would, again, ask yourself questions about what other than the great sex would you be getting? And you know more than you want to pretend that, you know, you want you keeping yourself like, well, we haven't explored it yet because we haven't dated. But like he's done and said a lot of things to you and you keep saying the word avoidant. Well, like, do you think he's not going to be avoidant as a boyfriend? Do you think he's going to magically change how he communicates as your boyfriend? Because you have a relationship with him and he's not even willing to like entertain a conversation, let alone like not have the conversation that you don't want to have. So I don't know what other than some good sex, what are you going to get other than some good sex and a lot of frustrations because he's unwilling to literally talk to you about it? Yeah. That's kind of how

it's been for years as more frustration because I don't really get any answers. You know, I think if it was just like, no, you know, if he did say, I don't want to date you or just come forward with the reasons, I think maybe I would be less confused, but I think that makes a lot of sense. Well, yeah. And now you're just confusing yourself because you've made it, you're building, you're making excuses for him because he hasn't wanted to date you. And like I said, you keep saying, well, well, we don't know then. Yeah, you do.

Like this is how he communicates. This is, you know, people aren't like, as you say, avoidant as single, but once they're in a relationship, they're somehow magically not or fixed. Yeah. I guess I didn't even think about that. Yeah, it's true. So, all right. Okay. Well, thank you. All right. Best of luck. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Whether it's beauty products, personal care products, at home products, cleaning products, it's always great to get them organic

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Hi, Lydia. How can I help? Okay. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little bit over four months. And we got thrown into long distance at the beginning of our relationship because we both go to school, not in our hometown. So at the beginning of long distance, it was really great and everything was going well. And I felt like I was giving it 100% and he was giving it 100%. But as it's gone on, I feel like I'm still trying to put in 100%, but he's not. And I don't know whether I should bring it up because we only have three weeks left until we're back at school. Or should I just let it simmer? I just don't know how to bring it up without me feeling miserable.

You said failing miserable? Feeling miserable. And you're worried. So why would you feel? But you kind of feel not great now? Yes. Okay. Well, in general, in any relationship, if you feel a certain way, you need to figure out a way to express that, right? Yeah. I don't care what that feeling is. And it doesn't matter if you're right about that feeling. It just matters that you have that

feeling. And every relationship that you're in, you need to figure out how do you communicate those feelings to your partner so that they hear you receive it and then communicate it back. And that's why this show exists because we're all really fucking bad at it. But you do need to know that you have to figure out a way to do it. Ignoring how you feel is never the solution now you know there might be exceptions to the fact that you realize that maybe you're quick to react to things and then like a lot of times people will be like okay i feel this way right now but i'm gonna wait a day to see if i still feel that way tomorrow and then if i do and then maybe i'm awake a week and then i still feel

that way then i'll say something because oftentimes I might feel away and then realize there was something else causing that. And actually it's not a big deal to me. Right. So if this is a constant feeling that you've been having, then it's something you should bring up. When you say you feel like you're giving a hundred percent and he's not, what do you mean? Can you give me examples? Um, yeah, I feel like whenever he's having a bad day, then I'm there to help him as much as I can from 800 miles away. But whenever I'm struggling, then he's too busy to deal with it. Okay. Well, the best way I have found to communicate in those situations is to not immediately

bring up what you're doing that he's not. Yeah. So I would start with simply just telling him how you feel about what you would like him to do more of without making it a contest. All of a sudden you start saying, well, I do this and you don't. Then all of a sudden you're keeping score and you make it feel like you're better than him and there's a bunch of different things that he can then respond to

that don't really solve the problem. And the problem might be easily fixed when you're like, hey, babe, sometimes when I say about this, it would just make me really feel good if you could do X, Y, or Z. Sure. And you don't even have to say that he's not necessarily doing it at all. Maybe he's not thinking about it. Maybe he's not mindful. Maybe he's wrapped up. You guys are young. You're going to school. You got to have a lot going on. You're both trying to focus on your relationship while focusing on, I mean, this is right now, as far as you and him are both concerned, regardless of your relationship is the, it's the, it's the time in your life where you should be the most selfish.

Yeah. You know, it really is. And so you're trying to have a relationship in a very selfish time in your life. If you're ever going to be selfish, now's the time to do it, right? Now, that doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship and it doesn't mean you can't ask things of your partner if you're going to be in a relationship. Just try to not distract the conversation. So if you just say, it would make me feel really good if you could help me out here. And people in general love to help people. Just say, help me. It would make me feel really good. you could help me out here. And people in general love to help people. Just say, help me. It would make me feel really good. Can you do this?

And try not to bring him up. Now, if he's just like, well, why do I have to do that? And he makes you feel bad about it, then, you know, again, you don't ever really need to bring up that you do it unless he does. If he's just like, well, why don't you do that? You don't do this for me. You'd like well actually i didn't i i do you know and it's not right and you could be like i don't want to make this a competition this is why i didn't bring that up but look here are examples of me doing this but unless he brings it up unless he says well you don't do that then

there's really no reason for you to bring that up because what you're asking him and all you're asking for him is support. You don't need to compare your actions to ask that, right? You know, like, like you can ask that regardless. Hey babe, just, it would make me, it would make me, here's one way when I'm, when, if I, when I need help, this is one way you could help me. And what would be something you would like him to do give me an example just reassurance that our relationship is going the way that he wanted to go as well as me just the reassurance part is all that I really need so you don't need overall like so so when you're you're tough but you're saying you like you might need help with like you know emotional support if you're like stressed out about certain things and you just want some

words of affirmation yes okay and you guys say you love each other no okay so what would you like to hear specifically maybe just that he still likes me and wants this relationship to continue when we get back to school so you're just a little you're just struggling with how he's feeling about things how often does he reach out to you how often do you talk um at the beginning we talked like almost every night and now it's like once every three to four days okay so it's faded yeah okay well everything i said still stands in terms of in general but as far as a specific thing like you know you can just say this is not so much about him supporting you it is about like checking in being like hey i'm just we've talked less just wondering what's up it

you know it is a tough thing where you just got to be like hey do you you know still wanna how you feeling about us that's okay to check in you have to be okay to get an answer you don't want to hear yeah so right now you guys are long distance yes and and when school starts you'll be back and you've just been talking less yes i don't know just check in i'm hopeful that things will go back to the way they were before nope nope nope nope nope no don't do that you can be hopeful but don't rely on hope yeah okay you know i have hope is not something you necessarily want a lot of in a relationship okay you know you want to be enjoying things in a relationship

so and hope isn't going to get you what you want you have to communicate you say hope because what you're hoping is that you don't have to say anything and then you will never be disappointed and you don't have to face an awkward conversation. Listen, you're young. You're early in dating. This is the stuff you want to work on and practice. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're not going to marry this guy. Simply based off the fact that you're 20 and maybe you will, but you might not.

And this is a betting chance. What a great way to just think of him as like practice. He's literally practice. So just get better at just putting it out there. Wouldn't you rather know now and be bummed and then be like a free agent when school starts rather than having to deal with a breakup when school starts and being stressed over that? Yeah. And who knows? He might just be like busy free agent when school starts rather than having to deal with a breakup when school starts and being stressed over that yeah and who knows he might just be like busy with his summer

job wrapped up in his friends going like enjoying his summer while he has a summer we don't really know so just suggest it and if you've been listening this podcast one thing you need to do the most of is just be chill about it and don't ever let him think you won't be okay without him okay i mean you can you know and and listen if you're in love and saying i love you and and like there's a time and a place to let your partner know that you will but not during a breakup and i'm not saying you're breaking up but you are you know just you it's okay to be vulnerable at first to say you know i like you sometimes i we haven't been talking as much i'm just checking in here are you still how are you feeling about me and okay the mindset you should have is that he needs to convince you in a way that he still don't

let him be like oh it's fine babe it's cool and maybe it is maybe he's still don't let him be like, Oh, it's fine, babe. It's cool. And maybe it is, maybe he's just, just, just busy, but like things then need to change when you go back to school, but listen to your gut is I guess the biggest thing. There's something, if something seems off and it probably is, and that be good at practice, listening to your gut and don't ignore your gut. And when your gut says, Hey, something's wrong, then you just need to get confident asking the person the question. And then when that comes, and then in that situation,

never make them feel like you're afraid to lose them. Okay. And that's all you can do. Okay. But big takeaway here is don't be hoping when you're in a relationship.

Speak up. If you have a feeling express it you know and don't ever let anyone make you feel wrong for having that feeling okay and you will save yourself so much time and energy and heartache just finding out quicker than letting this drag out because like you, you kind of feel shitty now, right? Yeah. So you're not feeling great. So yeah, getting, if you broke, if he,

if you reach out and he's like, yeah, sorry, I'm just not feeling anymore. That might feel worse than you feel now, but you already feel shitty. And if you do break up, eventually you're going to be totally fine.

Yeah. So you'd have to get to the totally fine faster. Either way, you're feeling shitty now and hope isn't going to get you there okay all right perfect thank you let us know how it goes i will all right take care thank you all right bye-bye how's it going hey how are you good you? Good. What's your name? My name is Vicky and I'm 38.

How can I help Vicky? So just a little bit of background. I got married really young. I was 20. I was married for about 18 years. So I didn't really do a whole lot of dating. And if it was, it was, you know, teenager kind of things. So I've been divorced for the last year and a half to almost two years now. Just started diving into the dating thing in the last, I don't know, maybe six months. And just not sure if I am like scaring people away or if I'm rushing into things too fast. Why do you think that? I just don't know if I'm putting expectations on people. What makes you think that you might be?

You know, I just, I think I have expectations of people. And I try really hard to just kind of be cool and casual about the dating. try really hard to just kind of be cool and casual about the dating. But the people who I date and are like, communication isn't always great. For instance, like this one guy that I was dating, you know, we hit it off right off the bat. It was really great. When we're together, it's really awesome. We have a lot of fun. we have a lot of the same morals and values and all that good stuff um but when we're not together it's kind of hot and cold and in his defense when we first met um he did tell me that his job might be moving him away in a couple months um and so he you know we went into it with that and i was like oh maybe i just need something casual something that i know is kind of kind of have an end and just learn how to have fun in the experience.

Well, I guess I was going to ask a question to you is when you started dating post-divorce, what was your goal or expectations and what did you try to get out of dating? Were you like trying to find a life partner right away? Were you just more kind of want, I want to play the field. Maybe you wanted to, you know, have some casual sex, like all of which great options. What was there any specific one that you were looking for expectations wise?

I really do think that I am in it for a relationship. I mean, obviously I want to get to know somebody. I don't want to marry somebody tomorrow. I don't even know if marriage is something I want to do again, but I, you know, my friends are like, oh, you should date, have a date every night of the week, you know, go out and enjoy this whole experience. And, you know, I tried talking to like multiple guys at one time, but I, I just can't like, you know, there's one person that kind of piques my interest. I put my time into that person. Sure. So that makes a lot of sense. You, there's one person that kind of piques my interest. I put my time into that person. Sure. So that makes a lot of sense. You've been with one person for your whole life. You have really no experience in dating. Last time you were dating, the world was different on many levels. And dating was certainly entirely different. My point is like just because it doesn't feel natural and it's not your thing doesn't necessarily mean you should be resistant to it. Right. Because like you have only been with one person, you being being in a relationship for that long that didn't work out.

You're definitely at risk of overcompensating for what you like in other individuals. Like it's going to be at risk for really being drawn to a guy who really excelled in a lot of things. Your ex-husband didn't, et cetera, et cetera. Right. So like, even just for your own benefit,

even though your overall goal is to maybe still find like a life partner, it still might be good for you to take at least a little bit of time and just date with low expectations. You know, you don't have to have a date every week, you know, you don't have to be going around, but you could just really, you could just be going on a date once a week just to like meet people, you know? And if you end up liking a guy and you have a really nice date, you can say to yourself, okay, I had a really nice time.

I definitely want to see him again, but let's just see where it goes and take it slow, right? Because you should take it slow. I mean, if it's something like he keeps stressing, you know, we just need to get to know each other more and more. You know, interestingly enough, like I was out to dinner with my girlfriend last Saturday and we ended up starting to talk about, you know, we've been together for over a year.

We've known each other for two years. We've been a couple for like 15 months, right? So it's a decent amount of time, right? And on our date, we got into a conversation about basically kind of like old battle stories from past relationships, you know? Like things that we did in past relationships, things that our partners did to us, you know?

Basically kind of talking about just the toxic things that we had done to us, right? Or that we be, and then look back and like, yeah, I did that and fuck, man, that was nuts, right? And sometimes, I only bring that up because I thought a lot about it after we had the conversation. It's just like, we've been together for this long and it was the first time we really got into it, right? And we talked a lot. She was talking about stories about ex-boyfriends and past relationships. And that's not something you usually want to do in the the honeymoon phase. Like a lot of times when you first start dating someone, you're like,

well, don't talk about exes. Like that's this weird. And you're going to come across as you're still in over the relationship. Right. This conversation we had was nothing like that. It was just, we're very confident in our relationship, very comfortable. And, but through those stories, we got to know each other even more. You know what I'm saying? I know her a lot, but like, those were like really nice conversations we had. Just even if it was like, it's not like I saw a different person, but I learned about her past even more. I learned about more and more detailed things that she's been through when she, from even her point of view, wasn't the best version of herself. And that just takes time to have these types of conversations in relationships.

I only bring that back to you is like, it just try not to rush it. You know, you know, you might be feeling pressure, pressuring yourself to like, I'm 38. I have a kid.

I was divorced. I don't want to, I don't want it to take five years to find my person. All right. You know? And if I meet a guy I really like, I need to, I need to know if he's my person right away. I need to like, I need to know like, Oh, it's been six months. And like right you know and if i meet a guy i really like i need to i need to know if he's my person right away i need to like i need to know like oh it's been six months and like you know

i've been watching sex in the city lately like carrie goes to mr big after a few months be like i need to know you i'm your person it's like how the fuck is he supposed to know you know like you guys barely know each other so yeah with all that pressure you put on yourself you 100 aren't going to be projecting it onto your dates. For sure. And they're going to be sensing that. And they're going to be sensing that this pressure you have on yourself and then you're going to be putting on them.

And they're going to be like, I don't know. It just seems like she wants a lot from you right now. I'm just trying to get to know her. Yeah. I think I've – yeah. You might have hit the nail right on the head. I think I've, yeah, I might've hit the nail right on the head. I, you know, I just, I think I definitely have like expectations and then there's this thing in me that's like, you know, I shouldn't

have to settle for yada yada, but I, and I definitely validation, you know, I listened to your show quite a bit and, you know, validation is, is a big thing. Cause I didn't have a lot of that in my past relationship and relate some sort of relationships right after that. So I think it's hard for me to, you know, is he really into me? Is he not into me? I think the thing that was the turning point with this most recent guy that I dated is that we were talking about past relationships. And he had told me that the past, the relationship right before me, they had met each other's families and they were already talking about things together

and they had only been together for like a month. And I was like, I haven't even gotten that and I've been dating you for about three weeks. So I was like, wait, what is it about me that- Yeah, you're overthinking that too. Oh, absolutely. I mean mean i look back and think about like what my perception of natalie was when i the first few months of dating her versus my perception of her now and like that story i just told like had she had told me those stories about how she was in relationships i probably would have been a lot more critical and been like oh like, like, I don't know. Like, you know, I would have over, uh, I would have overthought it. Right. I would have

like, and now when she told me having very, like knowing who she is as a person, uh, it was just more hearing about her past and understanding what she's been through. In fact, it, you know, and so I guess I'll only bring that up again, because you're just like he tells you a story and you're immediately thinking about how it applies to you and your relationship. And it was a past relationship. And just because you're like, why didn't he do that with me now? There's a lot of things I did with ex-past girlfriends or women I dated that I don't want to do with Natalie because I don't think it's healthy or, or, you know, I don't want to, I didn't want to rush things. And like, and now you're using it as like a barometer versus like his interest in you versus his

interest in this past girlfriend. He doesn't even want to date. Maybe, maybe he realized like, that was nuts that I did that. And I don't want to do it again. Or maybe, maybe she encouraged it it or maybe it was a coincidence that it happened you know what I'm saying there's a bunch of reasons why it might have happened then and it's not happening now none of which have anything to do with how how much they're interested or more specifically more importantly how healthy it is to bring it into this relationship right I I think think I definitely overthink things. I try to be the cool, casual person,

but I think I'm definitely probably rushing things and I'm probably, you know, I'm not like crazy texter, crazy. I want to see you every day. I got, you know, I got two kids. I have a pretty busy, you know, work schedule, you know, so I'm not trying to see somebody every day of the week or even talk to them all day but you know sometimes it's like they didn't initiate a date or they didn't initiate wanting to see me more than like once every week or something yeah I think yeah it's good that you recognize that you didn't get a lot of validation for your ex-husband. So you're like, you're seeking new relationships. But I think you need to be careful about that, too. I really think it would serve you well to like, try to be in control of your dating and try to keep it casual and just try to get to know different guys so you get a better idea of what you like rather than making sure that guys like

you you know and you're really going to run the risk of just settling for the first guy who validates you the most and then only to realize that you're not that compatible with them yeah or you're not that interested in them right but like right now you can get validation from a bunch of dates like you can go on a bunch of dates from different guys and then be like, oh, you're beautiful. You're nice. You're great. Have them pursue you because you're playing it a little bit more cool. And just try to like, just keep reminding yourself, I need to figure out what I want and I need to get better and get more comfortable. And maybe I'm still processing the divorce before I start jumping in. And just because you have a great date or you like

a guy and get excited by a guy, that's great. But your excitement level doesn't mean you have to drop everything else or start worrying about if he likes you. Getting excited about a guy just is a reminder to yourself, I need to learn more. I need to find out more. I need to spend more time, even at the risk of it not working out and just take it slow because yeah, like, listen, it would be easy for you to be very vulnerable to disappointment with you being fresh out of a divorce, having a lack of experience in dating. So just take it slow and take it easy on yourself and try not to get too caught up in any one person too early on. Um, so that you can kind of make better decisions. That's pretty spot on. I, you know, and then, and then obviously with each one that doesn't work out,

you know, as you say, like my ego totally takes a hit for it. Hey, I'm this great person. Why didn't they want to pursue something further? Exactly. Unnecessarily so because you don't even know if you would like them. You barely know them. You just got excited about someone. You got excited about an idea of someone or who you thought they could be, a lot of which might be a projection on who they aren't, your ex-husband.

And so take a year to just try to date and again that doesn't mean treating it like a job and going out every day you know if it feels exhausting slow it down you know and if you meet a guy you really like you can can continue to hang out with him but you can still take that very slow so yeah me and um you know after i kind of said you know you know just stay open to it i i you know i kind of told them i didn't want to essentially be a booty call and i was like you know i you know like for just the option to be open that there could be something more um obviously communication has kind of dropped from there so then you have your answer over but even then like you're already like i I just want something more.

Like, obviously, at some point people do. But just immediately when you say that, you're asking for his validation. I just want to know from you if there's something more with me. Why? Yeah. Why do you need to like give him that power or seek that validation from him when you again barely fucking know this guy yeah you know it's like yeah you don't need to like every step of the way just be like i was just you know i want something more you can keep getting

to know someone and then check in from time to time. I'm like, where, how are you feeling about this? And then, yeah, pay attention to how they act too. But just try to try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Yeah. I think I'm definitely overthinking kind of the whole experience and just always seeking that validation. So I need to try to cool it down a little bit, slow it down. Take it easy on yourself. It's just judging yourself a little bit less.

That's all. I definitely do a lot of that. Having more reasonable expectations. And try to enjoy dating. Try to enjoy going out with different guys and having dates. It can be fun if you have the right perspective. Yeah, I think I need to work on the whole perspective of dating because it has seemed a little exhausting and just tiresome instead of if you treat it like you're on a

hunt for a husband it's going to be fucking exhausting i don't know i don't want another husband or just a life partner or true love but treat it like an opportunity to know different people and have good dinners and you know out and about and you never know then it becomes a little bit more fun i will i will definitely try to do that thank you all right well best of luck thanks so much all right bye-bye how's it going good nice to meet you nice to meet you what's your name my name is Chloe. I am 26 and excited to be here. How can I help, Chloe? All right. Excited to have you. How can I help? I went through a really semi-traumatic, interesting breakup a few months ago and just kind of wanted to get your guidance on if you think the way I've approached my healing journey is sound and true.

Why was it semi-traumatic? I found out he was cheating on me and i had no ideas uh that was the the case that sucks you know how'd you find out popped up on his phone saw a few texts um he denied it immediately i asked for some reassurance and clarification um he happened to be pretty drunk that night and said, oh, just go through my phone. I don't have anything to hide. Both moved cotton. I will say up until that point,

I never really had an interest to look at anything. I believe there's a difference between privacy and secrecy. And I said, I really don't want to do that. But that night I had actually a few drinks. So I lost my, I had a little bit of lack of inhibition there. So I did look that night and saw the tip of the iceberg, saw maybe minimum of six different women in six different conversations. How long have you been dating this guy?

About a year. Okay. And then what'd you do after you found out? I read those messages at 3 a.m. And then I sat in my living room in the dark for two hours, just kind of processing it all, right? Because your reality shattered. Woke him up 6 a.m.m i said i don't think this is going

to work out i've been severely disrespected um i don't know who these people are but i thought we were in a serious relationship building something together and do you have any explanation um he said i don't know what you want me to say. And he repeated that for about 10 minutes. And then just out of curiosity, what did you want him to say? Looking, I don't know. At the time I was kind of blocked out.

Right. You know, you're just, you're high on emotion. But even now that you have the benefit of hindsight, you can probably like not, we're not defending him at all, but being truly what could he have said?

I mean, it's one of those things where you like you want them to explain it so like you can like somehow feel better because obviously you feel terrible but any attempt at him trying to explain it would have actually probably an infuriated you more what what could he have said you know nothing nothing so might have been the first honest thing he's done by saying, I don't know what to say. You know? That's true. Then what happened?

He finally kind of came to his senses and he said, I'm still really drunk from last night. I'm going to go sleep this off at my place, but we can talk about this later if you'd like. And I said, I'd like to talk about this now um and then he got up and left and that day i deleted his number deleted all the photos unfollowed on social media essentially purged him out of my life great um but to your point of course your ego wants him to reach back out try to like make things work and through lots of processing i've come to realize there was a there was a moment or a part of you that was like thinking i don't know what he could say but there's like if he just says the right thing

i'll consider working on this with him no i actually never never have thought to go back because the trust has been obliterated all right great however at least in my in my life i'd like to think that some people would want to apologize or try to give an explanation but i don't think there's reasoning in this type of situation yeah i mean that's the thing it's it's it's nice i agree with you there um yeah but what like what would be a justifiable answer for being in a committed relationship and not and and and cheating on you with multiple people like so cavalier that like you know what what's the what's that what's that answer look like what it really looks like no but i'm saying like what is is there an answer that would make you go

oh okay well we can't be together but this makes me feel better thank you it would it would sound like i need to go to therapy and work on myself and work on my baggage i'm appalled i'm sorry that you came in my cross fires but we all know that's not going to happen and even if it did i don't know would it really make you feel better no definitely not um but yes and also like that's the thing you're no longer his girlfriend so like his mental health and and well-being and decision making is not your problem anymore uh i feel more bad for the next person who comes in his life i feel good for you in that moment where it's just like, oh, you're finally out, you know? And the recognition of therapy, it doesn't do you any good.

You're not in his life anymore, right? It would do, you know, he's going to keep dating. He's going to get another girlfriend and he's going to definitely do this to her. You know, it sucks for that person. So, yeah, what else? Where are you at now so two months later i got a text late thursday night 10 30 p.m so we all know um maybe there were some drinks involved or some loneliness on his end but that's not the most ideal time to reach out i get a text that

says hey are you open to talking? And obviously that brings up all the trauma that I've been trying to process, right? After two months of not hearing anything from him. And so in that moment, I decided to block him and it was very painful. And that's kind of like why I reached out because this whole idea of no contact, right? I think a lot of people, that's like a, like a concept that people hold onto, of no contact right i think a lot of people it's like a like a concept that people hold on to like no contact leave it in the past it feels impossible at the moment but i feel like that's honestly the only way forward so just kind of wanted to get your hot take on that yeah it makes a lot of sense that it felt painful to block him because your ego again for all the

things you just talked about and mentioned like you want him to feel regret and sorry, you want him to, it's like your ego, if it can't have him and it can't have him really be sorry, your ego wants to at least be the reason why he was able to get the help he needs and be a better person. Cause your ego is like, well, at least now that person can go through life being like, Now that person can go through life being like, you know, she changed me for the best. Right. And when you blocked him, you were telling your ego to shut the fuck up. You're like, I don't know if that's going to happen. It probably won't happen.

And what I do know is I don't want him in my life. So we're going to close that chapter. And that was really hard for your ego to accept. And you were saying goodbye again you were saying goodbye to like this closure your ego wanted or thought it needed or whatever and you said no again you you that was really a great thing you really kind of like that's you know we talked you you were you were not listening to your ego you were trying to get control of your situation take your power back and that that doesn't always feel right in fact it almost often feels hard in the moment and it's not sadness you know it's just your ego throwing a temper tantrum and it's scary

because you're just like fuck i can't believe i just did that and that's when we often don't follow through we'll unblock them and hopefully you know it's really hard to say goodbye to to things in our life and you it feels like you're say goodbye to things in our life. And it feels like you're saying goodbye to getting something you think you want. But I'm guessing, I'm hoping the part of you that blocked him knows that like you don't need him to be sorry or to get therapy for you to move on. Like you just know you don't want him in your life. You know, I'm guessing the part of you that thought like there there's so many bad things that can happen. If I take his call, the worst of being, he comes over, we have a few drinks and we hook up and I hate myself for it, you know? Or he just, you know, gets in my head and makes me feel bad for setting, like there was just a

long laundry list of things that you knew were going to fuck you up and you blocked him and said no just on the outside chance that maybe he was going to say the perfect thing to make you feel better so good for you for blocking him but yeah it's often painful like it often is scary because you just want that thing and and and and that one thing you want is probably what you probably been obsessing over you know a lot and in between those moments yeah it's it feels impossible some some friends are like oh you're so strong i'm like this is out of straight self-preservation yeah this is great but it's good for you i mean your friends are probably saying you're so strong because like

you said they probably know it's hard to do the right thing often it's hard to do the thing you know it's the same thing when we try to like say eat right you know it's like i'm gonna lay off sugar and everyone's like hey i made cupcakes you're just like wow that's so good um and then you eat the cupcake you're like fuck you know we've all been there right it's like kind of it's the same it's the same stuff right so your friends are who are like you're so strong like yeah because they wanted to block the guy and didn't have the strength to do it because they gave in to that desire of hoping to hear the the thing they knew it was unlikely to hear but but it was worth all the risk. So yeah, you should pat yourself on the back.

I think it's okay. You should be proud of yourself. You should be like, yeah, I am kind of a badass. Like, you know, like, yeah, it's self-preservation, but, you know, that's, I don't think you should sleep on those moments of having that willpower. A lot of people don't have the strength to do that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I think being able to close that door is like definitely a testament to what I'd expect in a future partner, right? Like character and integrity. But another thing that I was wanting to get your opinion on was obviously hindsight's 20-20. I can see red flags of, I would say broader incompatibility, right?

As opposed to I truly looking back to not see anything in regards to specifics around cheating. It's very daunting, right? With like this world of social media and like this virtual, the accessibility. So I just, I feel like there's a fine line between blaming yourself and be like,

why didn't I pick up on all these little things? And then taking learning lessons of how to look out for those types of things in the future, but also not be jaded. So I don't know. There's like so many things when I look forward to whenever I start dating again. Yeah. How do I just have my eyes open? Sometimes you're just going to get fucked over. You know, unfortunately, there's like shitty selfish

people out there if this guy was like just straight up like telling you you're in a committed relationship while like on four different dating apps and talking to like and sleeping with any girl who's and unfortunately there's guys like out there like that out there you're it you're gonna feel dumb and stupid and like i've always you know i would rather be a fool than be a cynic constantly and i can be very cynical but i'd rather like i've learned it was a tough lesson me being cheated on years ago was you know hopefully you this will be a valuable lesson because like this didn't kill you you felt some embarrassment i hope you realize that like again unfortunately for the next people he dates he's gonna fuck them over too like this is not like a

guy you didn't do anything wrong like i hope you know that right like if a guy who's that extreme like i'm not saying you were the perfect girlfriend but like he's this is a very like this guy isn't ready or capable or willing to be in a committed relationship what he wants again is a girlfriend also wants to fuck a bunch of other people and he's totally fine with lying to do both and so if you go into a relationship you know wanting to trust your partner you're going to get you know once in a while you might get fucked over so like part of it is just like there's some risk there and i'm sorry you are unfortunately a victim of one of those types of people but other than that like it sounds like you maybe did the right thing something was feeling off you listened you asked some questions and you

you know like it would be dumb luck for you to find another guy who's that shitty i think right you know people get cheated on more than once unfortunately people cheat you know like how fast did this relationship start i'm pretty slow to start so i took my time with all of that and so i'd say like five to six months before we even talked about exclusivity it was also during covid so it's like that was a very unique time i think yeah i think you're just gonna have to try to trust yourself not to be cynical how did you move through that yeah i just assumed that like i ended up dating a shitty person and i was right you know like that's the thing like it was pretty obvious after we broke up that like there was definitely some things about her that i was just like kind of new from the beginning there was potentially some red flags

very you know very attractive very charismatic very you know selfish and you know um i liked the idea of how we looked. I was younger and immature, right? So I kind of had to recognize the things I was attracted to. Yeah, I mean, it's, I'm being, like, and we don't have the time, but I'm willing to bet if, like, we did this, like, kind of slow play-by-play of how your relationship started, there probably were some red flags and things you could pick up on and how he, you know, if he's that much of a liar my guess is he was

probably a little bit more inconsistent and you know things didn't maybe add up but like you know you just kind of was like oh he's probably i have no reason not to believe him right so exactly you're yeah like i think the best thing you do is just chalk it up to bad luck and dating kind of a dick and you know in the future if you have like things kind of seem off i think talk you know getting to know someone's friends is important because like sometimes you know like guys all have buddies we're just like you know it's like one of those things where it's just like oh you know have your boys back you don't want to be the narc but then like as you get older sometimes you know when you're young you're just like yeah you know got my bros back

and you're locked vault but when you get older you're just like bro like you're a terrible human stop you know and and i think sometimes if you you can kind of pick up on signals from people's friends, you know, like, oh, you know, Chad's being Chad. And you're like, what does Chad's being Chad mean? You know, you start asking questions. It's just paying attention. I don't know. Like, unfortunately, there's cheaters out there. There's a lot more cheaters than we want to believe.

The most important thing is like you just have to not let your ego to take over it seems like you're pretty good at that it's not a reflection of you you didn't choose to cheat you might not have been the most amazing girlfriend but no one is the most amazing partner and instead of work working on the relationship he chose to step out and and get his needs met elsewhere and there's nothing you can do about that and he's gonna keep doing that so it's not like you're doing all right you just have to i think you should just get back out there honestly it sounds like you're probably ready to date more than you like you're more scared but like there's nothing stopping you from just like

dating and maybe you kind of date with the idea that maybe you're not ready to settle down you know there's nothing wrong with going out there and having a date and just being like i don't know i have no pressure like who knows maybe maybe this guy will be fine and just take it real slow uh and then you happen to meet a guy who get you get excited about you just let him know it's like yeah um i'm just kind of i want to date i want to take it slow but just you know i have some hesitation and you'll see if he's patient and you know was it this other boyfriend did he like to party did he go out a lot well in the context of covid right like there wasn't a lot to do but in hindsight yes love quote loves a good time so i think that's a big red flag yeah

if you're dating a guy who loves a good time and he's in his twenties, you know, thirties, that's even a bigger red flag. Yeah. You know, I've learned a lot. Um,

a guy in his thirties, who's still like go, you know, approaching Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Like, okay, babe,

Thursday. So I don't know. What do you want to do? Like stay in? Nah, that's a red flag. You know, so it's almostursday so i don't know what do you want to do like stay in nah that's a red flag you know so it's almost comical at this point when i think back but you know well there you go glasses there's another thing you you know you can find some value and like i probably should have known fuck you know yeah all right well hopefully that was helpful totally thank you for all that appreciate it all right well best of luck you're gonna be just fine thanks nick all right take care have a good one you too

thanks for listening don't forget to tune in on wednesday to our episode with michael and our bachelor in paradise recap coming at you right after tuesday's episode subscribe review five stars send your questions at ask nick at cast meme.com. Cast with a K. See you back tomorrow.