The Viall Files - E320 Ask Nick - You’re the Gatekeeper of Your Dating Life

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we first speak with someone who started dating an addict and, even though they've had great dates, deep down is realizing it might be best to step away. Next, we speak with someone who might start dating her ex's ex-best friend and is wondering if it's a good idea. Also, is their friend group's support a good thing or too risky? Then, we speak with someone who started a friends-with-benefits situationship and he's moving away soon so she's trying to figure out whether she's interested or not, or if she's just wasting her time for her ego. Lastly, we speak with someone who is separated from her kids’ dad and is now trying to navigate her dating life, with kids after a traumatic experience.  “You need to learn to say 'no' to the craving even when you're very hungry.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Noom: http://www.noom.com/VIALL to sign up for your trial today Brooklinen: http://www.brooklinen.com promo code VIALL for $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome to the greatest show in the land uh welcome. It's Monday for most of you. And maybe it's another time in this great thing called life that you're finally listening to this really wonderful show called The Wild Files. Ask Nick edition. Welcome. Maybe it's your first time listening. And are you in for a treat if you are um chrissy is this your last uh ask nick episode with us yes it is do you want to ask me anything nick moment of silence did you get your uh like a starter kit for the woods like you got are you ready to go? Are you ready to get...

Yeah, I got my rifle and my bear spray and my fishing net and my uniform. It's going to be... I think our eyes are looking forward to your POV. Bear grill style.

Hey guys, it's day 27. 44 miles in. the elk have migrated into the park the place entertained I haven't pooped in five days and I'm looking for water the antelope

are drinking water from the river well we are sad to see you go wait I have a question for Chrissy what piece of advice do you think you're going to think about the most that you've heard on an Ask Nick

episode if they're not interested they're just not interested and I should it's okay to say what I want and if they don't want that that's okay also if they don't want that you should leave. Yes, that is also a very important part of that situation.

I say this with love. You might be the poster child of stop accepting less than what you want. I would accept that as pretty much true but yes and deserve i'm working on it we love we love you truly i love you getting better but that's the most important thing ally is out on assignment yeah we got some international travel coming up uh and uh not with us today uh i've sent her on a safari of investigative journalism but amanda's with us and apparently has an update about her lube friend god remind us what like he gave you lube as a gift no no that was i think you're thinking of the man who gave me a vibrator

as a birthday gift this is a man who we were hooking up for a while and then sort of out of the blue was like, I'm falling in love. I think I'm going to fall in love with this other girl. And I was like, awesome. Yeah. Probably want to be your friend. Yeah. And I was like, okay, so it sounds like that's the end of us hooking up.

And he was like, not necessarily. And I was like, yeah, necessarily. But you also were like, I can be friends with this person but you also aren't sure if he's narcissistic or not yeah I think he's not that we're self-diagnosing

yeah I would say maybe like selfish well that just to make a good point yeah we don't as non-doctors we ourselves nor do we recommend our audience to be diagnosing people like say narcissistic personality however if something is if you're wondering if they are that might be just a signal that regardless if they are or aren't, that maybe shouldn't have them in your life. That's fair.

You can diagnose them as not worthy of your effort and energy and friendship and time. That we advocate for. Yes. Anyway, I'm sorry, continue. No, no. I just, and this is, I just, there's been a lot of growth that has been indicative

in the way that I've handled this situation. Just because, yeah, I was trying, we trying we're like okay we'll be friends and then he reached out after a while saying that him and the girl are like she's moving here and that things are going really well with them why is he updating you I think because I was probably too much of a cool chick and I was like hey I do just really want you to be happy and with this girl like I was like I think this is a really good thing for him honestly like he was talking about her and like with a tenderness i've never heard i was like this is maybe he's gonna become a much nicer guy and find the love he deserves anyway he but then he sent a message saying she's moving here what's the fancy brand of lube you use

which is like yeah so so inappropriate in my opinion to opinion to first reach out to a friend and also regular lube, CBS. So then I didn't respond to that. Wait, wait, hold on. I'm going to backtrack. That actually, no, is an appropriate question for an actual friend to which you are not, but continue.

Well, I don't think... If I, again, you're absolutely right about like, just get lube, bro. Like it's a dumb question question but friends often ask friends that's why we have friends be like hey man like i don't know if i should like i wouldn't put this out and like on twitter because it's probably a dumb question but like what kind of lube and then your friends like dude that's stupid just get any lube that's literally why we have friends which i hear that but i'm also like there are certain things that you don't talk about with your friends no yes that's literally just go into west hollywood

walk into a store and ask i mean i guess i highly define friends but my friend butter no friends like some friends you just have it's why you have friends so you can like there's like things that you want my family to know friends who i would who wouldn't want to talk about lube with me and it's like and i get what you're saying that's like in general yeah okay for most people i wouldn't mind it was more just like the principle of like the first reach out we haven't talked at all in a few months and like you're saying like one i'm moving in with this girl to like referencing lube it's like what's your game plan here what's the update update is just that i had been sort of not watching his Instagram stories

because I was like, you know, why would I? And then I did watch one and he responded to me viewing his story. I did not know you could do that on Instagram. He replied to my view of his story. I was like, yo, what's up? And this is on Sunday. There's a Patriots game on, few ipas deep and so i just instagram is getting way too like i just found out last week that when someone comments on like a

post that there is an option to reply to the comment or send them a direct message oh and i someone like commented like you're stupid or i don't know like it was and like i i should never reply but sometimes i'm just like having fun with like the trolls of the world and i'm like yeah it was like you suck and i was like i know you know but instead of instead of instead of just dm someone i know message and this person had like and then it goes in the inbox and this person would like apparently sent me like a dm like a year ago saying like let's date or something that was go figure and i was just like fuck instagram like why like i don't they're just it's But in a way how beautiful that you had Access to your whole history

No I don't want access it's that's A problem with Instagram stop stop Making it just let us search Story views that is the one thing We need on Instagram in my opinion why is Everything have to be so transparent like On it like that's why another reason why TikTok is just it's better

Other than that well we have a great show um for you uh chrissy we love you stay in touch thank you stop accepting less than what you want we got one more show well this is our last ask nick and while i expect our entire audience to listen to every single episode i don't know if that's always the case make sure to send your questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with a k we need your questions we need your stories can't thank you enough uh always just call to action for our ask nick listeners we'd love some five-star reviews in our podcast and some comments to offset you know pissing off bachelor fans for giving them hot takes they don't agree with whatever it's like it's a total vanity thing on my part. I acknowledge that.

I'll move on. Yet. Yet. I would appreciate it. Let it be vain, guys. As always, we have a great, great week lined up for you. Breaking down Bachelor in Paradise, we have the absolute wonderful Elizabeth Wagmeister. She is a writer for Var variety magazine also bachelor fan she

does um fantastic investigative journalism uh part you know she did a lot of stories on the me too movement uh also she does you know she covers obviously hollywood an excellent writer uh front and center on a lot of breaking stories, but also here to help us break down Bachelor in Paradise. And on Wednesday, we have the wonderful, very talented and fascinating Amelie Zilber with us. You will not want to miss that. So check out all the episodes this week.

And let's get to our callers. What's your time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's going okay. I've been better, Nick. What's your name? My name's Jessica.

I'm 34 from Canada. How can I help, Jessica? A little background on me. Like I am definitely a anxiously attached person. I've learned that about myself and tend to have like stated avoiding guys. And because like, you know, to like a therapist or the internet therapist.

Okay. And the internet. I'm like textbook. When you do the quiz, it's like 10 out of 10 um so uh definitely was like always kind of going after guys like when it wasn't working would like hold on way too long like blame myself for everything over analyze all that good stuff so i started seeing a therapist, I actually started anxiety medication, like I've passed two years, I've really like totally switched gears and like really changed kind of like my expectations and how I approach dating. So enter this fellow that I wrote in about today. So I met him December of last year. It was COVID. So we went on like, you know, stupid COVID walk. And I didn't even

really want to meet him. We were talking on Tinder, he was kind of boring on the app. But I was like, kept following up. So I was like, I'm just gonna give this guy a chance. And we go on this date. And it was so great. We go on this walk, it was lovely. I was like, Okay, I actually kind of think I might like this guy so we started seeing each other and it's just like kind of everything I ever felt that I wanted like we just had so much fun together like we basically had our own language like we would just laugh all the time we're super close there was no games like I never wondered when's he gonna text me does he like me like it was just so easy and, but I was also still really liked him. It wasn't like it was easy because I

didn't like him that much kind of thing. So it was just great. Like about a month in, he was like, I deleted my app, then we became official. And it was just like, I had never experienced an ease like that. And we were just super happy, always like going on adventures and everything like that. There's really nothing to even say like, it was just kind of perfect in a way. So but here's the thing, here's the catch. So when we first started dating, he told me he wasn't drinking at the moment. And I just thought, okay, like, that's just what people do sometimes, like, they're a wellness moment. But I later found out that it really was not just a moment of wellness, like he has pretty much been a addict his entire life. He extremely high functioning, but definitely

has struggled with addiction his entire life. So the first four months of our relationship was actually the longest he'd ever been sober. And he has taken, you know, he's gone to therapy, he's tried AA, but he really doesn't have as much as he wants to like be sober and not let his demons take him down. He like doesn't really have the proper support in place. take him down he like doesn't really have the proper support in place so about like four and a half months into the relationship he started being a little bit distant kind of like cold is the only way to describe it and so when I brought it up to him he basically just said like I'm struggling so hard with remaining sober I'm like deeply Like, I don't know what to do. Like, this is the first time I've ever been sober in my life. And like, I just don't even know who

I am. And like, I feel like I need to kind of do this on my own. So I was like, okay, like, I was obviously pretty heartbroken. But I like okay I understand um but then a week later he texted me he was moving changing apartments and he texted me saying can I bring your stuff which was like okay that's a little bit of a shot to the heart um so he came by and then we ended up talking and sort of spending the night together and I was like what are like why are we apart like we obviously like each other And I was like, whatever, like, why are we apart? Like, we obviously like each other. And he was like, it's never been about that. Like, I want to be with you. But like, I just, I feel like I need to be on my own. So there was a couple weeks

of that. And it was a little bit wishy washy. And then one night, he called me and he was like, washi and then one night he called me and he was like i want to go out with you and i was like okay i didn't really know what to do like i felt like i couldn't say you're not allowed to go out and sorry what i mean by going out is like going out and drinking why not he wanted he wanted to go out and get drunk with you yeah oh yeah so i just mean knowing like the position he's in like i just was like kind of weary about it but was like whatever so we ended up going out you did go i did go and you went conscious support you in your drinking and and also you told me you didn't want to hang out with me or want anything romantic so i don't want to be a like let on and and b well like no judgment i'm not telling you what to do i just know i don't

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Like you could have said that. I could have. I didn't know. Okay. And that's fine. It's not fine. But I only point out because you're like I, you know, you kind of dismissive of saying, saying well you know I what do I know about substance abuse kind of thing and yeah you know and you don't have to be an expert in that or know about that to remove yourself from a situation that you know is

probably not healthy yeah for sure and that's I think looking back probably what I should have done but okay I didn't okay and then what's that what's next so we went out and got kind of messed up together it was really late he just like wouldn't go to bed I was like let's just go to bed and he was like had to stay up all night using it was like a really bad situation. The next day. He was just like, crying all day, like he really just like opened up to me. And basically, that's like when we officially got back together. And then he was sober from then. From then until like, literally two weeks ago.

And he again started to be distant for like a week like it was literally we were so happy and then one week he was just like I'm struggling again I need to use like I feel like I I love you but I can't be in a relationship I need to be able to kind of be terrible and not feel responsible so I mean I'm just what is your face right now so i just so where are we now or that's where so where are we now it's like been a week and a half basically i know this is kind of fast but i immediately started listening to your show and then i was like you know what i'm just gonna write in and we haven't spoken since the breakup and I'm just kind of like I just want to know what your viewpoint is because for me it's

so hard to understand how someone struggling with their own life has to mean like the end of a relationship that was otherwise like extremely strong and like i don't have the mind of an addict so i can't wrap my mind around that and i'm having trouble with that you don't have to understand what it's like to be an addict to understand the situation that you're in as it relates to you you know what you're finding yourself in a situation like i've always said like it's not how great it is when it's good, it's how bad it is when it's bad that really determines how successful a relationship can be. And when it's bad, it sounds pretty bad. Yeah. You know?

And you literally got back together by getting drunk with an addict. Yeah. you literally got back together by getting drunk with an addict. You know, like he couldn't be himself around you. And I'm guessing here, because I don't understand addiction and I'm not an expert, but like I'm guessing like you met when he was sober, that must have felt, I'm assuming, very foreign to him. It would make sense when he says, I don't feel like myself. It would make sense why an addict doesn't feel like himself.

It's he's sober for the first time. Yeah. And he didn't have a good support system around him, right? And no offense to you because you and I, not experts in this, I don't know what to do. Yeah. Right? You didn't know what to do. Yeah. Right? You didn't know what to do.

And he, I don't know why he removed himself. I don't know. And then he had a moment of weakness and then combine that with your moment of weakness of just missing someone you cared about. You opted for, well, fuck it, I guess, if my only option is to, you know, support him in this drinking,

then I'll do that. And then you end up getting what you want out of that kind of toxic night and then yeah sure then he got sober again like the bad news for you is he will be back you know what i'm saying like yeah there's a good chance he'll be back this is thisapse, whatever he's going through, will probably be like this pattern. You know, you're probably not even the first person. I'd be willing to bet if you got to talk to other women in his life, they'd be like, yeah, I know this story. Yeah, for sure.

I guess. And I think you just have to understand that this is someone who does need help he needs to figure out his life and as much as he might have so many great qualities and have fun that you aren't in a position to fix him and at the most you could do is try to be supportive of him getting help but he is he's not even on his journey he's like he's such in the early stages you would have to be deciding to want to invest in someone that you might have a great time with and it's pretty fun when it's great but the there's a long journey ahead for this person yeah and you would have to invest so much of yourself and and maybe you don't have the

strength and willpower to to be that person for him and that's okay no judgment again like and again i'm not trying to be hard on you but like you didn't have the willpower to say i can't be a part of this because you wanted to be with him. And so your vulnerability and your desire to want this person in your life is compromising your ability to be the type of support system. This person is going to need to be the person he wants to be. Yeah, that is true. However,

I will say in my defense that that while that night was a bad decision, otherwise, like I feel like I have been a positive influence because drinking is not like me. Not drinking with him has never felt like a sacrifice on my end. So I feel like I have no doubt that you haven't been a great influence on some aspects. Yeah.

But when you, the point is you weren't also like you then you got back together and then you were in somewhat of a control you had what you wanted right you had him it's when you don't have the power and you don't have control and you feel helpless and you're not getting what you want him that you become compromised so when he's at his worst you unfortunately simultaneously are at your worst because when he's at his worst he detaches himself from you and then you become vulnerable and you compromise your values and your ability and strength and you lose your power and you start making bad decisions and now you have two people two good people making bad decisions

i've never thought about it in that way so that's very eye-opening um and to your point earlier like the long journey like i i don't like i'm 34 like unfortunately like there is a biological clock and things like that so like i don't feel like I have the luxury to like, you know, just feel this out for five years kind of thing. Like I know what I, even if you're 21, why would I mean,

I, why would you? Yeah. And I'm sure he's a great guy and you can have love for him and you can appreciate the time you had together, but yeah, you're right. Like maybe this isn't your guy.

Maybe this isn't your one and then maybe you should just accept for what it is still have love for him still care about him wish him the best but know that the best thing for everyone especially for you is to remove yourself from the situation that you're not fully removed from you haven't removed yourself he's removed you and you're just right now on you haven't removed yourself he's removed you and you're just right now on standby deep down hoping he comes back yeah i mean i am like and i but i've also first of all i've tried to support him in the sense of like i found him a therapist but like he's not really doing anything like but you gotta stop that's that's you gotta stop doing

that you're not especially now you're not his girlfriend anything. Yeah, but you've got to stop doing that, especially now. You're not his girlfriend, especially now that you've realized that, I don't know. No, no, this was before. Okay. Before, before. Yeah, but even now,

none of that even matters anymore. Again, you're a good person. I'm not doubting that you've tried. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure you've done all those things, but all that's in the past now, especially if you're prepared to just move on. It's true, and I do think I am only, obviously now, especially if you're prepared to just move on. It's true.

And I do think I am only like, obviously, deep down, you're right. Like, I do want him to come back. But part of me is like, how will I ever be able to trust that the next time it gets hard that he's not going to? You won't. Because all he's shown me is that every time he's struggling, he's going to walk away. And that's like such a shitty place to be in. Yeah.

You have to be willing to walk away even though you still care you know that's the hard you know making these hard choices for yourself knowing what's best for you is is saying no to something even though you want it it's it's it's still caring and saying you know it's i i don't like i i i love sugar but i gotta say no to it you know like it's not because you didn't oh like you don't magically lose the craving you know so you have to find the willpower and and the strength to to say no and and just realize like and then not give into your cravings and you're You have a craving for him. Yeah.

And that's not going to go away anytime soon. And you're going to have to say no to him before you get over the craving. And you've got to prepare yourself for that. It's like going to the grocery store really hungry. Bad time to grocery shop. Very, very bad. Right now, you miss him. You long for him. You're reminiscing about the good times and you're

going to be very vulnerable for when he comes back and you've got to really get in that right mindset because moving on isn't just saying i'm going to move on especially now that he's gone it's preparing yourself for the possibility that when he comes back, you will still say no, despite whatever he says, no matter how convincing he might sound, whatever he says, you know deep down, you're setting yourself up for potentially years of heartache and disappointment. And then we don't want you calling in when you're 39

and realize this is really over. you calling in when you're 39 and realize this is really over i'm just don't let it's no no i'm not i trust me i didn't i've done the five year hold on in my 20s and i don't want to do it again and okay great well it's going to require you to learn how to say no to a very intense craving when you're very hungry for it sorry i'm not i don't mean to laugh but it's it's funny but it's very very true in the meantime you know therapy or a great way you know to practice that and learn and get out there start dating start moving on live your life you know let's get busy yeah stop sitting around and stop missing them and stop, you know, don't as much as you can wishing you would have, should have, could have nothing. There's nothing you

could have done different. There's not like, you know, ruminating about the past is not going to, you know, when you, when you, when you have those thoughts, try to stop, you know, actually say, stop it. You know, you can control your thoughts. No, for sure. The other night I was reading and I could feel what I could like see it. And I was like, you are not,

I'm not letting you in. Um, but yeah, it's hard work, but it's worth it. All right. You can do it. Okay.

All right. Thank you so much. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Take you so much. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? Hi, I'm Julie.

I'm 26 years old. Hi, Julie. How can I help? I'm just calling for your opinion. One of my best guy friends would definitely like to date me. I've always told him that I just want to be friends. We have a friend group that's mostly couples and we're the two single people in the group.

I've never kind of let any lines be crossed between us. He's tried to take me out and we kind of hang out on our own. But the catch is that he is my toxic ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend. A lot of exes. Okay. A lot of exes. That's the hang up?

Yes. So what is it? So if between, you know, in just a little bit you said, you have the friendship, quote unquote friends, you guys are pals and that you don't want to ruin the friendship. You have the friend group and you don't want to ruin the friend group by uh you know that's you know and then you have the your toxic ex and him used to be friends and those are three it sounds like three reasons are off the bat that are stopping you from giving this a shot.

Yes. Off the bat, it sounds like none of those are, like if this is something that you think could be it, none of those are reasons to not go for. But of those reasons, which one do you care most about? Well, it's funny because the group of friends are actually really pushing for us to date. A few of them have said they wish that we would have dated when i was with the ex um he was part of the friend group before and i actually met most of these people through my ex-boyfriend um but they've

since stopped seeing him so i've kind of come into the group and he was the other single guy i i think the friend group is the absolute worst place to get advice from yes the friend group is the same you know unit that tells you to buy a boat you know because they all want to go boating you know yeah yeah and that might be fun but it's a, we all know this is not a great investment. Now, if you have the, you know, money to throw away and buy a boat, then great. But, you know, the friend group is the type of people like, no, it's really, no, it's a good investment, you know? So the friend group as a collective can be a bit selfish, you know?

And the friend group, especially when the friend group is all coupled can be a bit selfish you know and the friend group at the friend group especially when the friend group is all coupled up loves let us keep that group then we like to oh god you guys are we like god just another team for game night you know and we want to know that you guys are in it and honestly i'd rather you guys just be a team because we already like we already have six teams and eight teams too many because if you guys meet, it's just going to fuck up the group. You know what I'm saying? I don't really give a shit that the friend group thinks you guys should be together. That being said, if he's your ex-boyfriend and they're ex-friends,

who cares? Who are you afraid of upsetting? Why is that a concern for you? I guess it's more so because there are other mutual friends between um all of us so if even though he's my ex and his ex-best friend i worry about the drama that would come from it um he's what could come from he's a pretty toxic person he definitely likes to run his mouth and i just feel like it will kind of maybe look badly on the two of us to start dating where there was connections to him when we were together. The reason actually that I found out about my ex's cheating was my guy friend, my ex started to message his current girlfriend at the time.

So it's a pretty messy situation. And she had told me, so I ended up leaving him because he was messaging his then best friend's girlfriend. So are you interested in this friend? And best friend's girlfriend. So are you interested in this friend? He is really, really good to me. He really treats me well. That's nice. Do you like him?

I do like him, yeah. He's not my physical type that I usually go for, but his personality and the way he treats me, I really appreciate. Okay. And how far off from your physical type is he? Like, are you remotely turned on by him? Like, have you thought about kissing him? Yes.

I find I'm growing more attraction to him, I think, because of the personality. Like, the looks part is kind of coming. But he wouldn't be my, you know, if I saw him walking down the street, be like, whoa, who's that guy? Okay. Well, that's not the end of the world. No. Like I've always, like I,

there's no friendship to protect as far as you and this guy goes. Like you're friends now, but but like if you if you don't end up with him this is not someone i'm comfortable saying that you're going to be friends with down the road you know what i'm saying he's not going to be at the baptism of your child if he's not your husband right i don't know if you're gonna get your kid you get what i'm saying right uh you get what i'm saying right uh so why couldn't you say yes to the consideration of like going on a date keep it between the two of you because i don't think you should waste any or much energy worrying about the drama that your ex might create it sucks it's inconvenient but whatever fuck them like it's like if you don't

feed into the drama the drama will just go away and just because someone may be talking shit about you about rumors that aren't true like whatever like how much power does this guy have you don't know what i'm saying like he in the reality he really has the only power he really has is the power you give him and making choices based off what he might do is giving him power right you know what i'm saying like if you like this guy he shouldn't be stopping you from exploring it now if you don't like him like whatever fuck it like right but he definitely should not be stopping you from living your life right so i uh but at the same time i understand not you want to create drama you don't want to deal with.

So why can't you just like say yes to like a date? Keep it between the two of you. Don't even fucking tell the group. Don't get them all excited. Just, it's just, it's between you two. And there would be a time and a place to tell the group.

And if your toxic ex finds out, then fuck it. It's not your problem then. Right. But if you are interested, give it a shot. But I think what you do need to be clear with this guy is like, if we do this, we're saying no to whatever this friendship is. And I make no promises.

And as far as the group grows, let's just be it real. It's going to get messy. You just be, if you're going to say yes to considering it you should just really be honest with this guy about why you do like him and why you have reservations yeah because i think that was my worry as well as if it doesn't work out it will kind of affect the group dynamic whatever group yeah fine you know like you know if just you have to decide whether you're like saying yes to it out of convenience like don't say yes to it because you think it will be a fun game night don't say yes to it because like that's what the group wants you know right no and we do

all those game nights and everything as a group anyways with us not being together so that's not uh i know that could still go on without the relationship don't say yes because you're bored or you're in a dry like say yes only because you're like no i really he's kind of great i like him he makes me happy i like spending time with him yeah friendship or not i i like when he calls i smile when i when i when i want and i have something in my life i like telling him what's going on yeah i think it's trying to figure out how to kind of cross over from the friendship to potential relationship you just make out and have some sex i don't know you know what i'm saying like you take the friendship that you have and you you build on that because you do want to be friends with your relationship but yeah like

any other relationship that starts there's a better chance it's going to end than end in a marriage right yeah you guys just have to be realistic about that okay so tell him that uh if we go down that road that you know if it doesn work out, the friendship will be gone as well. Yeah. Realistically, there's no going back. I mean, if you guys are two incredibly mature adults, then yeah, you can make it work and be the bigger person. But you won't go back to still having lunch and talking about who you're dating. Right.

You know? Right. Like, yeah. Depending how mature you guys are yeah you know um you could potentially have it not work out spend some time apart and and be cool but who knows well maybe i'll give it a shot then all right give it a shot sounds like you. That's my, it sounds like you do. So. Yeah. I mean, a few people have kind of said like, I, I know the way you talk about him. Like, do you ever think about it? And like, they kind of, they mentioned how I talk about him.

And I think that's kind of what started me on the path of considering that idea. All right. Well, just make sure it's your decision. You're not being led down a path and it's just, that's really my, like, just do it because you want to and, and kind of fuck everyone else.

Really? Yeah. Okay. That's good. That's good. Way to live by. Fuck everyone else. All right.

They'll all be fine. Okay. All right. Take care. Yeah. Bye-bye. Okay. Bye-bye.

How's it going? um i'm anna i'm 24 hey anna how can i help i kind of a long story or maybe not maybe i just think too much into things but um have been seeing this guy for like maybe five months ish um and from the beginning it was just like a friends with benefits thing like that's what he said he wanted um what did you want and i was cool with it i was totally good with that because i like didn't i had just gotten out of a kind of toxic situationship thing and i was like not able to handle much at the time. But were you cool with it or is that what you, or you wanted it? Like there's a difference between accepting something and wanting something. Um, I think that's what I wanted. Okay.

So it's unclear. I think I was kind of just, yeah. It's what you accepted. We're not entirely sure if it's exactly what you wanted, but you went with it. Yeah. I went with it. All right. Yeah.

And first time I like met him I was just like no I am not sleeping with this guy however that night we did end up hooking up because he's surprisingly charming um and it's just kind of gone on for the past you know four months five months whatever um and he's I guess just over the past, like recent months, like maybe two months, I've just kind of discovered, like, we have a lot of fun together. Like, I actually enjoy my time with him versus like, with past hookups, or whatever friends with benefits, I'm just kind of like, okay, you can leave now, like afterwards. and he's kind of super transient he like leaves a lot um for work and stuff he has kind of a weird job um so he's probably like leaving the state for good

in uh like god i don't know maybe four more four more months um so it's not gonna like turn into anything um where's he going i guess i just like i know where i guess it's just like for fun i guess no no no but where is he like he said he's leaving the state like it's like across the country oh it's for it's for work like it's like a training and then yeah so i have just been kind of like i guess wondering what to do in terms of boundaries because i don't really know him. Like, this sounds weird, but like outside of his bedroom, like I really don't know him, but I don't think it's uncommon these days. Yeah.

But I would like, like to do more things with him with the like, but I don't want him to think that I'm like, too interested or like, like, I don't want him to think that I'm too interested. I don't want him to think that I'm more interested necessarily than I am or that I'm catching feelings. I don't know how to be like, hey, I don't like you that much, but I do want to spend more time with you. Why? Because he's fun. I don't know. It's just kind of a weird scenario.

I say this with love. You're not making a ton of sense. Okay. I mean, you're making sense, but you're, you know, like there's no wrong answer here, you know, like whatever you want is totally fine. Right. But, and I mean that like, if you do like him and you're surprised that you like him, you're like, fuck, I like this guy and I'm interested and I know he's moving, but like I like him and fuck it. I just haven't liked a lot of people. And so not ideal, but then great. Go for it.

Shoot your shot. You know, do that. There's no wrong answer. If it's just some good sex that you want to enjoy while you have it, do that. But this whole idea that you want to, you know, learn more about him and invest more in him essentially, cause that's what you're saying. I want to invest more in him and I want him to invest more in me, but I don't want him to also who gives a shit what he thinks about like what

does that mean i don't want him to i don't i'm worried that he's going to think that i like him why what's why are you worried about that i mean i guess just because i mean that might be i don't know i hear you like talk a lot about like ego on the show so maybe that's just my ego like i don't want to no but well why are you worried about it you sure. Ego. Ego about what though? What's. I feel like anytime you like somebody, like if in a real situation, like somebody confesses feelings for somebody, then it's kind of like, you're kind of at their mercy.

Sure. But this is someone that you're telling me that you don't want to date in either way is moving. Yeah. So like it has an expiration date. So what exactly? Like, yeah. I mean, other than your ego being bru bruised but i feel like there's something more like why are you worried that he might

think you like him what are you afraid of losing so like well i guess the the last four months i have left i'm afraid of losing like I don't want like for example like I have a friend's wedding coming up and like I think it'd be fun if you went um but like we haven't really done stuff like that because you want to bring a date or you want to spend more time with him um I mean I guess both like i don't have to bring a date it'd be fun to bring a date and i think you would be fun to bring okay i yeah i just think you have to be very careful about being honest with yourself about your feelings towards this guy in this situation again there's no wrong answer it It's totally fine regardless. But you are, you're contradicting yourself.

And I only bring that up because that means you're not being, I don't know what the answer is, but you're not being, it's clear you're not really being honest with yourself, right? You, it seems like maybe you, what my, it seems like maybe you are starting to like him more than you want to like him because you know he's leaving. It seems like maybe you are starting to like him more than you want to like him because you know he's leaving. And you also are afraid that he might not feel the same because it's unclear. But either way, if he wasn't going to be moving and he was interested in dating you, you might want to date him. And therefore want to bring him to a wedding and spend time with him.

Right. Because, again, you know, do you want to date to a wedding because it's like a fun hang and he could be a good dancer? Great, right? Then I can ask him, hey, like we're not dating, but like I just want to date. You're a good time. And if he doesn't go,

he is just your fuck buddy. But you clearly are, you're starting to catch some feelings. Otherwise you wouldn't care what he thinks. If it was just a fuck buddy, it would be you know a fuck buddy situation unless the only alternative is that you're judging yourself for just having a fuck buddy like are are and maybe that are you judging yourself for not knowing anything about a guy you're sleeping with on a regular basis outside the bedroom are you is that happening i don't know that i'm like judging

myself what did you say the first time i feel like that's more accurate yeah i mean i don't know because if you were then that could that might explain some of the contradiction is that like yeah that you're judging yourself and therefore you're trying to validate your decisions by playing house and inviting him to a wedding i said well I should know more about a guy I'm having sex with and I guess we should do more things. And I'm not saying you should. He's like super like weirdly mysterious. Like I just like everything.

I don't know. Like, well, well, like hook up that I won't hear from him for like a week. Like he'll just like fall off the radar and then like i'll even like send him a text me like hey like how's it going and you just like don't hear anything and then he'll like text me something completely random that like and i'm

just like that well like if he is if he is your fuck buddy and just that that would be okay right you haven't set any expectations you haven't defined anything you haven't set any boundaries there's really no you know upfront expectations other than we have sex and we're cool enough to like occasionally text random ass shit because we're not boyfriend or girlfriend we don't really know each other there's a strict convenience thing right that sounds like you guys had whether you've even defined it that's the only really expectation a mutual expectation you guys have but it sounds like you are struggling with wanting more from him but you are saying well i don't really want more you know like you do want more and that that is okay but also why do you want more you have to ask yourself is the why you want more.

Yeah, that's a good point. Cause I guess, I guess regardless, cause that's what it, that's what I've kind of been describing it as. It's like, yeah, it's friends with benefits, but it's really just benefits. Like we're not, I don't feel like we're friends. I mean, we'll like go over there and we'll like talk for hours. Like we'll stay up super late. Like we have a really good time together but like we don't go like to dinner or anything like that are you is it is it is your relationship with him because

it's a type of relationship stopping you from meeting other people i guess i go on like dates with other people you do okay um that's good yeah so no yeah yeah i guess it's just like i mean but it is like if i have the opportunity like if i could go on a date but then like he hits me up i'm probably gonna go more hang out with him so like it kind of gets in the way okay it's getting in the way so that's the thing you have to i think you have to set better boundaries with yourself and you have to be honest with yourself about what you want out of this and you also just have to be a realistic with what the situation is right yeah if he is moving and you know that like listen whether i like him or not more than i who knows but like either way this guy's just not going to be in my life a year from now just because he's just not he's moving and i i don't

want to be in a long-distance relationship then it would be just from a pragmatic standpoint and a practical standpoint, silly for you to like worry why you like to invest more in this guy. Like why, why all of a sudden are you trying to learn more about him and invest more in him and give more of your energy at the risk of saying no to more dates and meeting different people? Cause that's ultimately what's going to happen is that you're going to basically sideline yourself for the next four months you know when's this wedding for example

next month next month all right well you could literally easily meet a guy uh this weekend on a dating app have a great time and be like i know this is nuts and totally fine like fast but like do you want to go to this wedding with me you know what i'm saying like you easily could but now you're thinking about inviting this guy that you know is not going to be your boyfriend to a wedding and again if you want to bring him to your wedding and just have a date and have fun and like have someone to dance with because like everyone's coupled up that's also okay too you just got to really be honest with yourself about what your expectations are of this relationship and how much you're really investing your emotional energy on. And you seem to be a bit conflicted with that. And I think you just need to get a clear understanding of your choices and why you're doing what you're doing. you're doing what you're doing.

Right. Yeah. Cause I thought I've cut, that's crossed my mind too. Like I'm like, I mean, I get that I'm still young, but like I should be kind of, you know,

looking for maybe something more longterm, but I'm like queen of wasting my time with other people. Okay. Well, that's good to know. And again, there is nothing wrong if you want to just like fuck the brains out of this guy for the next four months because you're getting good sex or whatever and then say goodbye and have them be a good memory.

But just be careful how much you're emotionally investing for whatever reason, whether it's to justify your decision because you're judging yourself or because you're starting to catch feelings, you know, and you're but you also know it's not going to go anywhere. So you want to pretend that you're not catching feelings and you don't want to feel rejected in the next four months you don't want him to even know you like him but at the same time you want to get to know more like it doesn't make a ton of sense logically to worry about getting to know him that much more you know yeah i mean i'm probably just totally overthinking it too like no i mean don't don't don't just dismiss it by saying you're overthinking it you might be overthinking but why are you overthinking it's good to like if nothing else this relationship should help you kind of understand why you're making some of these

choices it's like you know like understanding the why you are the queen of wasting your own time is something you should probably figure out you know like why are you doing these things why are you you know worrying about this these are questions you should ask yourself and try to get answers and and just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it and again there's no wrong answer like you can do whatever you want you could you know have a fuck buddy for four more months that's great you can invite them to your wedding but just don't lie to yourself why don't tell yourself you don't care and care you know what i'm saying yeah don't say you're not judging yourself but deep down you are i don't know what it is but like don't say one thing and do another and for all the times we get frustrated at other people for leading us on and

saying one thing and doing another we're more often doing it to ourselves than having anyone else do it to us. Like I've always said, like we'll never meet someone who lies to us more than ourselves. And you're just having a hard time, I think really being honest with why you're making the choices that you're making. And I think just knowing,

like there's no wrong answer. You're just like, hey, there's no wrong answer. Who gives a shit what the answer is, but why am I doing this? You know the answer. You just have to be willing to just say it out loud to yourself. That's true.

Yeah, I mean, because we're like on totally different life paths. Like we honestly have nothing in common except for apparently we can talk for a long time. Okay. And he has a lot of fun, but yeah. And if he ends up just being a fun memory in your life getting great yeah you know but don't just be careful of your feelings and and what you give him emotionally

and just be fully aware of what you're getting yourself into because you're running the risk of lying to yourself and not being aware and then all of a sudden like and then moving and be like fuck off i don't know i love a guy you know what i'm saying just yeah i'm also just like not good at letting people like i've never had to stop having relationships with people like even friendships even past relationships like i always have them somehow in my life like i'm really bad at letting people go so it's weird to think that like he was like literally like eight months of my life maybe in the end you know like and then you just never hear from him again

like that's just so strange yeah you'll get over it it's just life it'll happen that's just a control thing on your part you like being in control probably uh yeah and and you you lack a little bit control in the situation he's mysterious and he's like uh doing his own thing and he's moving and he's just kind of like whatever and you're just like well fuck i don't like i don't have any control in the situation so make sure you're not like falling in love with the idea that you can't have what you want you know especially a guy that when you first met him you're like i'll never sleep with him and you're like fuck i'm sleeping with him and now all of a sudden like he has like i you feel the power dynamic in this relationship and you don't have it you know and that's intoxicating

oh my gosh you're so insightful that's so true yeah you know man man you're good at this i'm just doing my best uh yeah i think you just again it's just about the why for you yeah and don't be afraid to ask the why is there like a like do i just accept that i don't have the power with this, this guy? Probably. Yeah. Yeah. He's leaving. It's going to end. Unless you want to do something drastic and shoot your shot with this guy. But it sounds like you know that he's not your guy. He's not the love of your life. So why?

You're right. It would be your ego. It would be the reason why you start doing things that are only gonna, again, waste more of your time. So enjoy what it is for the time that you have it. And if you wanna ask him to a wedding, ask him to a wedding.

But this worrying, trying to find the right thing to say to him, to learn more about him, but not risk him thinking you love, who gives a shit like what uh-uh yeah that seems that's just like a lot of ways of energy do you want to go to a wedding with me or not no okay fine i'll ask someone else you do great we'll have fun fine and we'll have some good sex at the end of the night yeah and uh when you leave i'm gonna be a little bummed because i'm gonna miss the sex and you seem like a good guy and you know what maybe we'll face that whatever but I think you do need to challenge yourself to

even when you like are if you if you do get asked on a date and he wants some sex you should say start saying if you want some power in this relationship say no say no you have a date lined up with something you don't know you don't know if you're interested remember this was a guy you weren't interested in either so the same guy you're saying no to because you have this like sure thing maybe say yes to the unknown maybe say yes to the things that you don't know say no to the sure thing that you know is going to end anyways yeah and expand your comfort zone so try that yeah way to simplify things i'll do my best um yeah i think that's your answer yeah pretty much you're doing great it's all gonna be fine just enjoy it while it's there well i appreciate it thanks for sorting out my overthinking okay yeah but don't don't just

dismiss your choices by chalking it up to overthinking yeah yeah that's true all right all right best of luck thank you all right take care bye-bye how's it going it's going good what's your name uh my name's molly and i'm 26 years old hi molly how can i? So a little background. I'm separated for about a year. I have two kids with this person. Separated from? It was kind of.

Was it a boyfriend, husband, fiance? It was a boyfriend. It was the kid's dad. Okay. And we kind of got together pretty quickly. I got pregnant within like a month. And so we decided to stay together for the child. It was going really well at first. And then it went quickly downhill. He had like

an alcohol problem, would always drink, pass out. And then he kept saying like, I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change. So I decided to stay with him just because I wanted like that picture perfect family. I don't think I was ever now that I'm going to therapy, I don't think I was ever in love with him. It was more like I had to do what I had to do. Just culture wise and stuff like that. It's very frowned upon in my family to, you know, separate from the child's father. And then I got pregnant again, about two years later, And then I got pregnant again about two years later and we had another child. And after that, there was just so much like emotional and like mental abuse where it got close to physical. So I decided to leave. And I think now that I'm single with kids, it's so hard to navigate dating and things like that just because I had such an awful experience with him

and I don't even know how to date because I was with this person for a very long time about like five six years so I don't even know what to do where to start and I feel like so many people are interested because I get messages all the time like oh my god I didn't know you were single again and all this other stuff but it's like how do you navigate dating with kids and not just that like what if you go on a dating profile do you tell them you have kids because you don't want to like open up immediately to the stranger so I'm not really sure how that works oh what's your biggest fear when it comes to dating uh my kids like for that to find the right person that would fit in well with my kids okay well the good news is when it comes to that like you are the gatekeeper so to speak when it you

know but but that doesn't really answer my question like what is your biggest you know because like you're just like how do i navigate dating how do i get out there you just kind of want to start so to speak like obviously you love your kids and you don't want to recreate that toxic environment you just left from, right? Yeah. So, and like I said, you're the gatekeeper there. But before, you know, it's like, obviously, that's priority number one, right? But when it comes to dating, you know, regardless of whether you have kids or not, you know, you have to connect, whether it's through dating apps or whether it's at the grocery store that you have to go on a date. You have to have conversations.

so that you can feel love and have love in your life all while wanting them to be uh either you know good role models uh just not toxic you know what i'm saying you know what i'm saying so yeah they're you got to separate those two all while always maintaining the need for your like you know what i'm saying that's that's obvious and but and i maybe maybe that's what a lot of people in your position think about but i do think it's important to try to separate it and just you know you're still just a 26 year old looking for love you know regardless if you have kids or not right and there's plenty of people with kids who get back out in the dating world so when you think about minus your kids, and I'm not trying to say like the kids don't matter,

just to be clear, but minus your kids and when you're out there and you're like, Oh, I want to start dating. And it sounds like you already have people interested. What is your, so, okay.

So that's like supply is not a problem, right? No. So what is your fear when it comes to just dating i guess it's just getting heartbroken maybe okay um i guess i've just never really like dated dated if that makes any sense like you know i hooked up with a couple people hooked up with my kids dad and like we never had i guess that emotional connection i guess it's needing an emotional connection. Okay, there you go.

So it sounds like step one is to take things slow, right? Yeah. You know, you never really dated and yet you have two kids, right? No judgment whatsoever, but that would suggest that maybe you are rushing into things, right? At least in that one situation you did. Right. You mentioned, you made a comment about like, you know, your family culture frowned upon to not stay with the father of your child.

I'm assuming that same culture would frown upon like not getting married to that person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got in, um, they pressured us into getting married and uh i honestly thought it was like okay i'll marry this guy because you know i have a kid with him but i'm so glad we did it and he didn't want to get married but now that i'm looking back i think he was checked out the whole time and he like admitted to me recently like i think we both stayed together just because

like we had to it was very convenient for us i only bring that up because remember that feeling and it's great that you love your family it's great that you're close with your family but regardless of all that like don't let those pressures ever influence your decisions again especially now that you're out dating again. Don't let the family pressures of judgment and potential shame and because you're supposed to do it this way and we did it this way and this is how you do it. Thank God you didn't listen to them about the marriage aspect. And so I only bring that up because now that you're back out there dating, I think it wouldn't be all that uncommon for whoever you're getting this kind of feedback from the family to insert their opinion again and kind of judge you and shame you for like, see, almost like you should have done it this way.

You should listen to me. And in fact, even though you definitely shouldn't have, I'm glad that you didn't. But for you, I mean, I think you just got to take it easy on yourself. Get back out there. Maybe say yes to a couple of these dates. And it's a date. It's a one date, you know?

Don't feel the pressure to play house. Like you can, you're a capable woman who is going to take care of her kids regardless if you have a man in your life. You know what I'm saying? You don't need a man in your life to be a great mother and a great caretaker to your kids. So right now, men in your life are all about you connecting romantically or not, right? romantically or not, right? It's not until you connect romantically that you have to then think about,

okay, I like this person. You know, like, are they worthy of, you know, my kids or are they capable? Are they interested? But you have to get to the point where you decide for yourself whether you are even interested in considering liking them

romantically right so like yeah focus on that right now you know you know again supply is not a problem you're in demand that's great so now you can be ultra selective and patient and and go on a date and if you have a good date again it's not a it doesn't mean oh i should you know i'm oh this feels like we know each other forever it's a really nice date would you like to go on a second date i have more questions i have more to learn you know as far as like when you bring things up it's a like it's a totally ballsy in your court you know i've we've said this in the past like uh you should be again if you're focused on whether you like them and whether you have chemistry with them whether you are interested in the answers

they give whether you notice them asking questions about you in your life and you know that's the thing you know if if you're on a date with someone, you know, worthy of your time, they're going to be asking appropriate questions. And so they might ask questions about your day and your life and what you do. And so don't lie. And if it comes up, I got, yeah, I have kids, you know. Sometimes we worry about when do I bring up whatever it is we're worried about bringing it up. worry about when do I bring up whatever it is we're worried about bringing it up and if we're dating the right if we're on a date with the right person worthy of our time they'll be asking the type of questions that will make it easier for you to bring it up you know um if you're not like

you know so is there anything else other than your kids that you are worried about bringing up? No, not really. I think it's just my kids and I guess like the baggage of their dad that comes with it. Is he still involved in the life? Yes. He's still very involved, but he like still wants to hook up and stuff. And I told him like many times,

like it's not going to happen, you know, and I've been pretty clear with that. I think just because I've gone to therapy so much and like I've learned like you know what like we can't have any sort of you know sexual relationship or anything um and he's I mean he's a good dad he's you know all the other stuff is not the good stuff and I have been talking to someone but the thing is like, he asked me about the kids all the time, things like that. And he doesn't live in the same town. Like he

has family that lives here. So he does come down like every other week. And he comes down when I, you know, have my kids most of the time. And he has asked me out, but I'm like, Hey, I have my kids today, or this weekend, whatever. I can't hang out, you know'm like, hey, I have my kids today, or this weekend, whatever, I can't hang out, you know, like, and I, you know, given my schedule, like, hey, their dad has them, you know, whatever, I'm out of time. And, you know, when I do tell him, like, hey, I'm free. He's like, yeah, but I'm not free this weekend. And I feel like, do I cut this person off just because it's been such a long time? Like we've been talking for like six, seven months and we do know each other just like back in high school and

stuff. So I feel like, do you cut, like when do you, I guess quit talking to someone? Like, do you, well,

that's the thing. Well, you know, this is someone you're not in a relationship with. You're talking. Yes. There's, you've known him since high school, so there's a comfort level.

I think someone in your position needs to be careful not to resort to things that are the most comfortable just because dating is always awkward and challenging and uncomfortable. And it might be scary for someone in your position to meet a total stranger and worry about whether they are interested in dating someone with kids and things like that there's a lot of dating can bring out some of our great insecurities it's just like well how is this stranger going to accept me you know uh for anyone it doesn't regardless of the situation so uh i i i'm not saying don't go on a date with anyone you've ever met or no like maybe there's a great person there but be careful about why you're accepting these dates

or having these conversations. Is it more based on the convenience and comfort that you know them as a familiarity? They like you, so like, you know, you don't have to worry about whether they like you or not, you know? This person, like maybe there's a nice guy, but like, you know, distance, it's a long distance

and it might not be convenient for you. I think you need to be very careful about playing house with anyone you go on a date with because you you you know your your your your life is not as selfless as like a single person without kids who can just kind of like do whatever and you know it's like hey man you know but you you have other priorities like your kids and so that comfort and the convenience of this like having someone willing to kind of be around can um be tempting i would challenge you to like you know try a dating app or or you know just i think you just need to try to date multiple people like don't get stuck in this like i'm talking to this one guy and it's like, again,

it's just someone to have around. If you want to keep talking to them, great. But like you are allowed to talk to multiple people at once. You're, you're allowed to date and just, and again, take it slow.

You know, don't be having playing house conversations with a guy that you're not even dating. You know, like a date shouldn't be like you and a guy you're dating taking the kids to the zoo, you know? Take your kids to the zoo and have a guy you want to go on a date with

take you out to dinner and get a babysitter or whatever, you know, if, you know, I understand there's financial implications and inconvenience, but I think it, you know, my, it's really important for you to try to, as much as you can, based off your schedule and limitations, to separate your dating life with your kids and just you know take your time you you have a great family you have

your kids and be okay with the possibility that your next great love might not happen for a year or two or three and that's okay you know i think a lot of people in your position might feel that pressure to just want to find someone and I want to get back to that unit or that sustain, like that, that comfort level. And so I think there's just a lot of, for you, a lot of potential hurdles of getting yourself in a situation that's not ultimately right for you in the long run because, you know, of, of these self-limiting beliefs that you have. You know what I'm saying?

And I would challenge you to potentially go on a date with someone you meet on a dating app or a friend that you have says, I know a great guy, but you don't know him. You know what I'm saying? Expand your circle of potential suitors, so to speak. You know, don't just go back to the well

of a bunch of guys that you know who like thought, you know, like I wish he was single. Like if you want to date them, fine, but you're a free agent right now. And that's great. Shop around, see what else is out there. You know, get a variety.

There's, there might be a lot of different types of people that you could be interested in that you're not even aware of because, like you said, you've never really dated. So take advantage of this freedom that you have and be willing to take it slow. Be willing to go on one or two dates with someone. And I just can't emphasize enough how your biggest priority in your dating life should be, do I like them? Am I interested in in them do i like their answers do i feel chemistry with them and and and don't worry about whether they like you and until you decide whether you like them and then you can start qualifying that other stuff yeah that makes sense for sure yeah so that's that's what i would do you know try not to succumb to any fears or insecurities that, you know, everyone has baggage, relationship baggage. You know, there's a lot of single mothers out there. You're an attractive person with a lot to offer and just believe in that and be very

selfish right now. Selfish with your kids, selfish with your time. Your time obviously as a single mother is going to be limited, right? So be very selfish. And, you know, this particular situation when you cut someone off, well, if you're being very selfish about your time, you don't have to cut them off, but like you could just don't wait around for them. Don't, don't stop looking at other things. He's not your boyfriend. He's not your husband. You're

not even in a defined relationship. So like, why are you even worrying about having to cut them off for you to keep shopping? You know, it's like going, you're worrying about having to cut them off for you to keep shopping you know it's like going you're you went to a store you found a pair of shoes you like you weren't sure about them you put them on hold or or you know you can still go shop around you can still look for another pair of shoes that you might like better right yeah but i think that's the big thing it's like maybe they don't put them on hold they're like oh we don't have them in we'll get them on you know we can ship them to you or you know like they'll be available on friday like okay well until then i'm gonna go keep shopping yeah but i think the thing is it's like he has friends that my friends know and i guess some of my friends mentioned that like

there's a lot of people interested and he didn't message me and he's like oh i didn't know you were talking to other people and in my head i'm like okay but we're not together like that's what i think communicate that just be very direct and open and communicate just be like hey buddy you know like why people can't assume that you're in a committed relationship or like people like to assume that they've had to define the relationship conversation just because what because we've been talking yeah and again like i i don't know you've just been talking to some guy why you know i again i would really you need to see what else is out there for someone who hasn't dated the last thing in my humble opinion the last thing you should be doing is jumping into some other relationship just because you're familiar with a guy when you haven't really dated you you know you're 26 like see what else is out there

take advantage of this like you know yeah and my friends say they're like they're all married and they're like you should be like sleeping around like we want to live like vicariously for you if you want to have some sex have some sex sex. But take it slow. Just date. Have conversations. Meet people. Even if it's making friends. And, you know, the sex, fine. But, like, don't.

Just meet people. You know? Expand your circle. Yeah, for sure. I will definitely do that. All right. Good luck. You're going to be great.

All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Can't thank you enough for always tuning in. Tell your friends.

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