The Viall Files - E323 Ask Nick - Vulnerability Collateral

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

Today on Ask Nick, we start by speaking with someone who is having intimacy issues with her boyfriend which has led her to flirting with someone else. She wants to hear the hard truth about her behavior, but what she really needs to do is to explore why her relationship's sex life is suffering, and be honest with what she needs to do about it. Next, we speak with a guy who has recently gotten back into the dating game and is wondering how to balance his excitement without coming in too hot while also communicating his expectations for what he's looking for. Next, we speak with someone who was recently ghosted by a guy after she told him she has an STI, and is now wondering: was the STI or if she is just drawn to guys who like to leave coldly? Finally, we are joined by someone who is recently dating someone but he wants to put a label on it right away. She's not sure why, especially when his actions don't match his words, so she's wondering...is it weird?  “Beware of polished people.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Public Rec: http://www.PublicRec.com and use our code VIALL to receive 10% off. Better Help: http://www.Betterhelp.com/VIALLFILES for 10% off your first month at Obe Fitness: http://www.obefitness.com and use the code VIALL for a FREE one-month trial  Ten Thousand: http://tenthousand.cc use code: VIALL for 15% off your purchase Episode Socials: Viall Files @viallfilesNick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We all settle for traditional retail sizes, but why? Why, I ask you? There's not five or six different shapes of people out there, but so many fashion lines act like it. Not Public Rec. That's right. 30 combination sizes and four different length options. These joggers will fit your body perfectly in all the right places. Public Rec rarely discounts, but right now they have an exclusive offer just for the Wildfile listeners. go to public rec.com and use our code v-i-a-l-l to receive 10 off that's public rec r-e-c.com and use promo code v-i-a-l-l for 10 off what's going on everybody welcome back to excited and i can't say and and an exciting new episode christy leaves us and i can't even say the word words uh well we have a great episode for you it's a ask nick edition of the vile Files with yours truly, Nick.

I'm your host. We have a skeleton crew. We have the ladies, Allie and Amanda. Did you just call us a skeleton crew? That's so rude. Not you two. It's just like we, isn't skeleton crew like less than a full team? I think so.

But this is like our new body, I guess, if we're going with this example. Yeah, we should, if we're going with this example. Should we keep this intro? Is this like, hey, lean in to the fact that have a little fun? The people deserve to know. We want people to appreciate just what Chrissy brought to this team. I need someone to go to Montana, find

their newest park ranger, and send her back. We have a great episode for you today, and some great callers. uh send in your questions to ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k uh your questions are very important for the show we appreciate all our callers being so vulnerable with their stories and they seem to find it helpful we think so and obviously uh you guys um enjoy listening and we have some great callers for you today uh this week we have a great week

lined up for you on wednesday we have a fantastic episode with rod phil uh who's rise to stardom via tiktok he's like the anxiety guy like he's like i don't know how does he describe himself it's like isn't he like the the like quintessential millennial yeah he's the quintessential millennial like in the workspace like he's really funny, great content. I'm actually, great interview. Great, great interview with him. You will absolutely love it. If you suffer from anxiety,

you like relatable, introspective guy and really thoughtful discussion with Rod. So be sure to tune into that. Dating updates. You went on a date with a guy with a broken leg. I did. I went on a date with a guy with a broken leg. I did. I went on a date with a man with a broken leg. And it was a really good first date.

Can I ask? Can I ask? Was it like a walking boot? Was it a crutches situation? Yeah. How recently did you break the leg? This man isn't mobile. Like this, like it was like, like I had to go to his house.

Oh, what a great way to like neck flips can chill on the first day. Literally though. I was like, well, that's what I was thinking about. I was like, I'm going to, I feel like the precedent that's going to be set is like me just like

driving to his, cause he's like, he can't really drive at this point. Like he is. I got really one question. Yes. Did his broken leg increase your sympathy? And,

and, and, and your willingness to like want to like make sure he had a great night like were you turned on by the like the broken did i want to be mommy no i wouldn't know but i i say that not in a bad way i think it's very i think the natural sometimes like a lot of people they want to be a mom. So that's a broken leg you know like you know what. It's a partaker thing I think no I think if anything I think it set the bar higher because I don't want to feel if I feel guilty for someone if I feel bad for someone

on their first date then we're activating like a whole different like oh niceness obligation people pleasing thing versus like I don't I want to be like more more. Anyway. Okay.

So no. So it was a good, so it was, yeah, no, it was not an issue at all. You had a good date. Very good date. How did it end? So you did hook up. We did hook up. We did hook up.

On your own terms, not because he had a broken leg. No. Yeah. Well, it was, we, yeah, it was, it Well, it was, yeah, it was a limited option. There is like, it's nice because it's like a preseason game, you know? Oh, you didn't get his best? No, I just, not that I didn't get his best, but like obviously he had a broken leg. Yeah, how does, you guys were limited. We hooked up, but we did not have sex, is what I will say.

Oh, okay. So stuff happened, but not P and V. Because he's immobile. He wasn't fully immobile. You said he was immobile. Well, he... Seconds ago. He's immobile in the sense that leaving his house is not really an option.

But he could his his body once like like when you're in a bed you're like you don't have to walk at any point in the hooking up always like oh my leg you know like did you you know what i'm saying well all of a sudden you guys moved and he was like oh no like like no i don't think so but i do i feel like i was like like i felt like i was like scurrying around him you know like it was sort of like he you were you were being very oh yeah i was sure because i was like i i he didn't have to say anything because i was like very i was like i am not going to hurt this guy's leg that would be a nightmare and second date hopefully hopefully i don't know it's like i am actually like i'm feeling kind of

like i can't oh the date itself i thought was pretty phenomenal and also i was like you know it was kind of late and i was like oh i should i should really head out like i'm getting really tired like i'm gonna like i should drive home and he was like no no no like stay over so i ended up like staying over which was nice and i feel like you probably wouldn't have someone you hate stay over but i'm also like doesn't mean they want to right it's like it's unclear and it's again it's like it's very why did why did you stay why didn't you leave um because i want to cuddle i love cuddling okay it's like yeah it was a very good first date and like cuddling with strangers oh my god in the middle the way intimacy started on this date

was we'd been talking, we were having an amazing conversation, super interesting, like really getting along well. We're like sitting across the table from one another and then I was like, will you draw on my back on the couch? And he was like, what?

And I was like, can we move to the couch and can we keep talking while you draw on my back? Draw like. Just like literally just like draw because I think it feels so lovely. I'm a huge fan. It's maybe like really throws people off, but like I don't get why. Physical touch obviously. like just like literally just like draw because i think it feels so lovely i'm a huge fan it's maybe like really throws people off but like i don't get physical touch obviously physical touch

obviously up there but everybody that's the thing everybody likes it everybody likes it to cuddle i found in my experience that i i'm not a big cuddle with strangers kind of guy i love to cuddle i love physical touch strangers well it's it's not like a rando from the street it's like someone that you've just like spent i feel like to me it's like a means of like you'd kiss someone i think cuddling is very intimate yeah which also depends on how you're cuddling though like there's like there's like intro level cuddling and then there's like the more anyways you chose this day because you like a good stranger cuddle i love a good stranger cuddle i do and you haven't heard from no we like we sort of we i i'm probably just in my head about it like we we talked like we have loose plans to see each other on sunday i mean he is dealing with a broken leg he does have an

absolute broken leg uh all right but it's just like don't. I was the one who like reached out after. So I'm like, I'm like not not the end of the world. 2021. Yeah. But it's also. So it's exactly. It's like not that that's a bad thing that I reached out first, but also like there's other dates where it's like you go, you have a really good date.

And then I just find it so fascinating. Data point. The most progressive of people can still want him to reach out first. It's not so much of like, oh, the guy has to reach out so much as it is like knowing. That's what he does. No, but understanding that like because of the, like whether I agree with him or not, there are gender roles. And so it's like knowing that he's also probably aware of those. And so that there is this added onus on men to initiate contact and

it doesn't mean it has to go that way but i think guys who are recognizing that gender roles exist and don't want to play into them are unsure about you know what i'm saying that it might be like maybe maybe i'll let her make the move because, you know, she's a... I'm just saying it's not as clear. I just feel like when you have a really good time with someone, usually the follow-up is pretty quick. Yeah, I agree. So it's like...

And I wasn't like jumping to like reach out to him. Like I kind of like waited a full day. I think it's hard to get excited about a first date these days. And I think that's hard to get excited about a first date these days and i think that's okay yeah yeah i think you're fine yeah we'll see to be determined tbd ellie are you how's your love life oh hello let me just bring this up to my height um i went on two dates this weekend one of which was very successful because it was a bumble bff date and i was obsessed with her not obsessed with her that's too forward but she and i like really bonded over like a lot of things like we watched similar shows she

she also agreed why don't you find that heartwarming like it we went to a happy hour it was great like she agrees with amelie and I of McDonald's, Diet Cokes, our superior. I was telling her how much I miss Dairy Queen, being from the Midwest. She's never had it. So we're going to go on a Dairy Queen date. And she was like, let me know if you ever are doing a Trader Joe's runs and just don't want to go by yourself. I was like, I made a new friend.

I love that. Yeah. That is so wholesome. So endearing. Yeah. What a value add. Well, we have such a great episode for you. Thank you, ladies, for the confessionals.

Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? I'm Erin. I'm 22 years old. Hi, Erin. How can I help?

Just a little bit of a backstory. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for five years now. Okay. So you met in high school. Yes. So we got together when we both turned 17. We're both 22. Long story short, everything everything was great he is such a great guy he is um just overall amazing um it started so we started having issues back in um November of 2020 um we started having like intimacy issues um and it started to like affect our relationship a little bit um i and well it started to affect me and because could you explain what you mean by

intimacy intimacy issues before covid happened like we would never sleep over at each other's houses i guess it's because more of like the respect of my family um and then when covid happened um you know we started sleeping over with at each other's houses and um it you know brought us closer and everything um and we did have like sex pretty frequent um i don't know if that was like too much for him or something but um towards the end of that year um like just things started to get a little rough um in our relationship and um we kind of just stopped having sex and we both tried to work around that issue um there is just like a lot of anxiety around it um we definitely just we tried to work around it because we're like you know there's different ways to be intimate with each other, whether it's just spending quality time together. But it just flat out stopped cold turkey?

Just for the moment, yeah. You guys made an active decision to stop it? Yes. Just because when it came to us wanting to have sex with each other, there was so much anxiety around it. We would either end up fighting or end up being sex with each other we just we there was so much anxiety around it we would either end up fighting or end up being upset with each other um so we were just kind of like let's just tone it down start over from the beginning um and just like go from there fast forward to like me um going to school in the summer I met guy. He seemed like a really cool guy. We started to flirt with

each other. I didn't like that because I was, of course, in a relationship. Even though things were a little rocky, I didn't want to make things worse or anything like that. So, um yes we were partnered to do two group projects together things evolved um my feelings for him kind of grew um we started talking a lot back and forth so it was just a guy like in in school and your your boyfriend doesn't go to the school so you and your boyfriend were like a little bit long distance no i'm sorry um so we both go to school together me and my boyfriend um we both go to college okay so this guy was a guy at college that you met yes gotcha okay better help that's right for all you uh ask dick fans out there you know we talk talk about mental health and therapy and the benefits of it. And there is no excuses to not get therapy if you're even considering it.

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you know, the group project that we're working on, like you and a couple of other members. If you ever want to like get together and study like let me know you know and I was like cool cool like I don't mind so that like this guy didn't have it no you had a boyfriend yeah so he he didn't know that I had a boyfriend so after like early on in our conversations i did like tell him like hey like i do have a boyfriend um just so it could push him away because usually that does happen like guys tend to like push away and i'm like like happy about that um and then this guy kind of didn't he was like well we're not doing anything wrong we're just like talking sure um and I was like uh like to me it felt wrong so um but we we still stayed in contact because of school fast forward a few

uh a few days like two weeks um we were talking and the conversations were getting a little bit more intense. I just pretty much told him, like, you know, I don't want to continue or entertain this anymore just because, like, it's not right. It's not me. It's not who I am as a person. And he just started getting really upset with me. He was just like, no, like, I really like you. I don't want to stop talking to you. And I kind of felt bad because I was like, well, it is what it is. Like, I'm in a relationship and

you need to find someone who will put you first and who will just be there for you. I can't do that. So, so where are we at now? And I guess what's your question? Because it sounds like I'm getting, you're just like, what do you do in this situation? Like, what do you struggle with? Yeah, just hear the hard truth. He definitely decided to walk out of my life. The new guy? Yeah. Where's the boyfriend in all this?

So he did find out um that i was talking to someone else um he definitely did not take it well um we talked and we decided to make things work i've just been trying to get my life back on track after the new guy because he definitely kind of where are things with uh your boyfriend in terms of your sex life and i mean that's great i mean that's fine if you guys want to pause sex you know but it doesn't seem like it's it seems at least on me unclear to me like why you guys even stopped having sex in the first place like it what is it like are you both is it a religious thing from you guys like i know you're both young so you know like what what is it's fairly drastic to like be in a

really long-term relationship to start being intimate and then just stop without really understanding why you stopped without a you know and again maybe it's sometimes it's like hey we're both religious and i feel guilty and i just want to sometimes it's like hey we're both religious and i feel guilty and i just want to keep doing this fine but you're you're shaking your head no like you're it's not a religious thing no um i i think we were just having for me i mean maybe for him like uh we were having too much sex that he just what's too much? Once, twice every week. That's a pretty normal amount. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you. I thought you were going to be like once or twice a morning. I'm like, okay, that's a little... No. I guess that's what I'm saying. It's just like... And again, that's fine if someone in the relationship

wants to pause, but I think in most committed adult relationships you if you are sexually intimate and it just like stops i think both people in their relationship should understand why you know and there might be a lot of valid reasons why but like not knowing why can raise a lot of confusion and questions. And again, is it okay that you started talking to this other guy? No, not when you're a committed relationship. It wasn't, especially since clearly there, you weren't trying to be friends with them. You were there, you said there was flirting, there was a sexual attraction. He was meeting a need that your boyfriend wasn't, you know, and on some level. So that's ultimately what happens, right? And again, it's not an excuse and I'm in no way justifying, you know,

I'm not trying to make you feel bad either. You don't need to me to, you don't need me to tell you that wasn't okay or that was wrong to do in a committed relationship, but ignoring the problems you have and the relationships that you have and not getting answers that just creates more confusion. And then you look for answers elsewhere. And that sounds like what you're doing, right? Having your needs not met in the relationship isn't sustainable. Yeah. It's a conversation we've definitely had. He's gone to therapy about it just because I know it's something difficult for him where he's not being able to use my knees and then he's gone to the

doctor about it so it just makes me feel bad because I is this like a is the equipment not working? is it like he's having a hard time okay that can be tough for a young

man and there's no answers is it just what Is it like he's having a hard time? Okay. That can be tough for a young man. I mean, and there's no answers? Is it just what stress? Like, is he masturbating? I don't know. We've definitely talked about it. He said he's trying, like, watching porn, and it doesn't even, like, really work.

He's also said that his doctor told him it was like stress and um yeah it's just i don't know we're slowly kind of like working our way back up um it's just he says he needs the affection for me yeah i don't know it could stress for sure but i also like i don't think it's the end of the world if you guys were to decide that maybe he's not your person yeah he meant when you were 17 just you know how do you know if he's your guy you know we talk about fitness we have a lot of great fitness options for other people looking to meet their fitness goals but what do you wear while you're working out well i'll tell you the the shorts at 10 000 are of the highest quality best fitting shorts i've ever worked out in my favorite ones they have these like they have like i don't know

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10,000 is offering our listeners 15% off your purchase. 10,000.cc and enter code V-I-A-L-L. 10,000.cc and enter code V-I-A-L-L. That's what my friend was saying too. She wanted me to break up with him and kind of explore things with a new guy, which was something I wanted to do too i guess um with the new guy he just wasn't really reassuring me he like never really texted me never really talked to me so i figured and like if he's

not really putting in the effort then like it's not that i do it here's the thing here's the thing if if you are in a relationship with your first love right you don't know what else is out there it's your first love is all you know and it's normal to be tempted out there and just because the one person you got excited about and you gave a little bit of attention to even if you shouldn't have didn't validate some things or whatever, it doesn't mean that you should run back to the person. The point is there's something inside you saying your needs aren't being met and you've met one other guy who you got excited about. And again, a lot of people in your position want an easy out. They want the assurance. They want to know,

well, I'm not going to leave this love of my life if I don't know. They're like monkeys going from one vine to another. Like that's not, you know, you have to have the courage to maybe like say goodbye to a good thing so that you can find a great thing. And there's no guarantees and there's unknowns and your relationship is not as perfect as you want to think it is or you want to tell me.

And I'm sure he's a great guy. And there's a lot of love there. And there's a lot to be thankful for. And even if you don't work out, he will hold a special place in your heart, et cetera, et cetera. But clearly, you're being tempted out there. And it sounds like it might be something that deep down you want to explore you're just afraid to do it it's kind of bad but i see it as like an investment like i know one day he will be a good husband he'll be a good father yeah i mean yeah maybe

but you're not currently being a good girlfriend and And in some ways, you know, also, yeah, I mean, I guess, like I understand why, you know, if he's having physical issues, it would be challenging for him, but there's something there. And it's not, if he's going to the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, I mean, it's all working and it's psychological, like that, he's got to figure that out yeah like could he be potentially interested in someone who you know doesn't look like as a 22 year old guy who's not being aroused by their partner is you know and and the doctor says everything's physically working just yeah wondering if he might be more interested in the opposite sex potentially have you thought about i don't know maybe not it could be psychological but like i don't know

in the first year of our relationship he didn't cheat on me with the guy um it was just okay it was just like through text um like snapchat and yeah i found out because he because the guy pulled me um well i think i think that's probably your answer i asked him about it because i was like you know i i think um like if you want to go that route like i'll be here to support you and everything um he says no that that's not what he like he just wanted to explore um but that's not like what he wants for him i guess mean, listen, it's, um, it can be incredibly challenging for, uh, people to find themselves if they are in any ways gay or bisexual or fluid, and it can be scary. And there's so many dynamics that are involved from like family acceptance to, you know, friends, your cult, your, your culture, your surroundings.

It can be incredibly scary. So it would make sense why he might be pushing you away. But we just got to look at the facts that we do know. Your sex life has become almost non-existent. He can't perform sexually because of what seems to be physical. Doctors say it's all it's all works uh you caught him emotionally cheating on you with another guy and that would make sense that someone who's age 17 18 or 19 you know trying to figure himself out is you know exploring things so yeah i think that might, and who knows?

It's not your job to decide or figure it out and you don't need to play the hardy boys to, you know, figure it out. But I think you have enough there to say he might be a great guy and someday a great father and a great partner with whoever he's with. a great father and a great partner with whoever he's with but i think maybe set him free see what he explores while he is free see what else you can find date different guys and you're right you're gonna meet some not great guys you will you're gonna go on some dates and you're gonna be like what a dick not great and then you keep looking and you keep dating i've definitely tried breaking up with him but he just doesn't want to yeah well if if if he is gay or bisexual it might be a very scary thing to, you know, you, I'm sure he loves you and he cares about you and you're his best friend.

And that might be a tough reality. He's not even ready to face. You're right. I don't necessarily, like if you break up with him, I don't think you should be like, because I think you're gay, you know, let him figure that out on his own. You know, like you just, Hey, I just think it's best. And you know, I don't know what you tell him. I don't, I wouldn't let him figure that out for himself.

Also, no one can stop you from breaking up with him. You know what I'm saying? Like he can't control you. He can't stop you from breaking up with him. He might cry. It's going to be awkward and difficult. You got to fight through that, you know, but he, he, he doesn't have the right to stop you from moving on. And, uh, I know you might feel guilty and it might be scary, but it might be the right thing

for both of you because again, doing what you're doing now is leading to very toxic things. You don't want to be a cheater. You don't want to toxic things. You don't want to be a cheater. You don't want to emotionally cheat. You don't want to do something that makes you be disappointed in yourself or hurt someone you love. And you might not necessarily be in love with them, but you still care about him. You love your boyfriend.

You want the what's best for him. You want him to be happy, right? You don't want to hurt him. And you're avoiding the certain realities because of out of fear and i think you're just going to have to face some fears and have some tough conversations and you know maybe move on and hope that maybe you two can still you know be friends and be there for each other and he's your he will always be your first love and that will be something you will always great be grateful you had in your life that it might have run its course it's a good good time in your life to get comfortable with being alone and dating and being single and and be selfish and hang out with your friends

and whatever dreams you have from a personal standpoint, whether it's career or things you've never tried, you should do those things. And your energy that's freed up from the relationship you're considering letting go shouldn't immediately be placed by a guy. It should be replaced by a million other things that you want to try. Yeah, you're right. All right. All right.

Well, best of luck. Thank you. It was really nice meeting you. Nice meeting you. You're going. All right. All right. Well, best of luck. Thank you. It was really nice meeting you. Nice meeting you. You're going to be okay. How's it going? Hey there. My name is John.

I'm 25. Hi, John. How can I help? Yeah. So I'm calling in to kind of get your advice on asking girls that I go on dates with, you know, figure out what they're looking for. For some context, you know, I didn't date too much in college. I was focused on, you know, my college experience and setting up my career, which I have done so. And then obviously

COVID hit and took that very seriously, limited the people that I interacted with to family health reasons. So once, you know, we all got vaccinated, I downloaded the dating apps and put myself out there. In May of this year, I met somebody and that developed into kind of a two-month dating experience where at the end, she kind of blindsided me in a way where she said that she's not looking for anything serious, not ready for a relationship, even though we are moving in that direction. So that was kind of like a little wake up call for myself to kind of better communicate my intentions and also better ask individuals who I go on dates with, you know, what they are looking for, but I've yet to kind of find that balance. So I started going on a couple more dates with individuals this summer as

well. And this third individual that I went on date with, we hit it off, had a really great first date, great, you know, conversation and just getting to know each other, talked a lot about our family, our background, had a lot in common because of that background. And so we went on a second date and just got to know each other a lot more. I started getting like emotionally invested in her, even though I was like, oh, crap, I'm kind of starting the same situation that I did with the first girl back in May, where I started developing feelings without really understanding what she was looking for. That's my kind of question to you is, how do I find that balance of creating a great connection with someone on her first or second date, getting to know them, but asking them in a casual way, in a friendly way, what they're looking for? Yeah. John, let me friendly way, what they're looking for.

Yeah. John, let me ask you, do you feel like you've been in love before? No. That's kind of what I thought. And so you probably haven't been heartbroken and that's totally okay. So you're in your mid twenties, you've chosen, it's all a matter of perspective, right? If from my standpoint, in a lot of ways, you've done a lot of things in a great way, right? You know, life is kind of messy. And I guess, you know, like I fell in love when I was 18 and I wasted so much energy on that one relationship. And I learned a lot, right? I can look back and there's some teachable moments for myself. And I really kind of lean in those in times.

But man, like you said, you focused on college and you focused on your career. Maybe you were even so, a little extreme, you know, life's about balance and then like a little bit, but you did that.

And honestly, if someone who's done it before, I would look back, that's the advice I would give most people, right? It's harder to go back. You can always date, man. Like here you are, you're 25, and no matter what's going on right now,

you got fucking nothing but time. Knock on wood, health and all that fun stuff. Either way, from a society standpoint, it would make sense that at 25, you're feeling a little pressure feeling like maybe you're behind dating if you're going on dates with women who are relatively in your age they might be a little more experienced both emotionally and sexually I don't know and then so because the way I reason I asked that is because what you're describing, you know, you're like, oh, I started having feelings for her. I mean, you're going to start having feelings for probably every girl you go out with for a while. And they're not, you know, they're feelings. They are, you're right about that. They're feelings.

you know, because you don't really know them. Maybe you know that, but sometimes when we start having any type of feeling of excitement or intrigue or lust and you go on a nice date and she's like saying some nice things, like I like my family and she does a couple of jokes and she makes you laugh. And you're like, that's a nice person,

physically attracted to her. I get excited. I leave the date, feel excitement what does that excitement mean you know and they're just kind of new feelings and i think i think it's just important for you to own your choices that you've made and those choices are i chose not to prioritize dating and women uh in my early late teens and early 20s. And maybe I could have been a little bit more balanced. Fine. I could have been less rigid, but it is what it is. Those are the choices I've made. And as a result, I'm in this position now and that I might be slightly behind the average guy

my age or girl, but that's okay. I don't need to make up for lost time i don't need to panic i can catch up pretty quickly i just need to fall in love and get my heart smashed before i'm 30 i mean i'm joking but honestly like that's okay if it happens and it might happen and maybe it's a good that's i think it's a good thing that happens sometimes but you know keep doing what you're doing man just when you are going out and you get excited about a girl just say yeah i'm excited i'm excited because i'm having a nice moment i'm having a nice time with what seems like a nice person i don't need to figure out what she wants all of a sudden i don't need to like solve all her problems i should just ask more questions i should recognize that i'm excited about this date but there's so much

more i don't know about her that could change my excitement but i'm just going to try to enjoy it as i go you know so don't put so much pressure on yourself to try to know what she wants right you didn't do anything wrong with the first girl right there's not probably nothing you could have asked there's not anything you probably could have done differently you went on a date you had a nice time she thought she liked you she changed her mind that's okay it hurts a little bit it bruised your ego but and my guess is maybe you got a little too excited a little too fast and maybe spooked her but truthfully she probably just didn't like you man and that's okay you know here you are this kind of sweet kind of earnest guy and you're gonna fall on the nice guy you know you're not a

fuck boy whatever but you don't have to be a fuck boy to still be confident in yourself, to know what you want. But you don't know what you want yet because you haven't fucking done it yet. And that's okay. And that's what I mean. Like, don't pretend that you know what you want. Like, it sounds like your career is on a nice little path. Like, I'm sure you have a lot of goals left, but you've set yourself up nicely.

Now you just stay the course, right? So now you can prioritize your dating like your next between 5 and 30 you know i'm gonna date i'm gonna date i'm gonna get to know women i'm gonna get to know people uh i'm gonna be open to getting to know people longer uh when i get excited about someone i'm gonna just try to pump the brakes and allow myself to be excited, but know that I have to get to know them more and you'll figure it out. You know, it's, it's fucking hard to do. It's a, it's a mess. It's like, it's really hard to know what we want and then try to figure out what someone else's wants. But you're, you know, you opened up with like, I want to figure out what these women want, but you have to figure out what you want first. It's hard to know what

you want when you haven't been doing it. Yeah, yeah. I appreciate your answer. And that was great advice. And so from your perspective, I understand what I'm wanting, which is a relationship. I've yet to be in one and looking for that romantic connection with somebody. But that's the thing. I just want to cut you off right there. And I think a lot of people make that mistake.

In fact, I think a lot of times women will make that sometimes they know they want they want like i want to i don't want to be fucking around i don't want to fuck but i want to i want to be in a committed relationship i want a partner so that's great that you know but you don't know what you want in a partner you know like maybe you want to i want a nice person and i want them to have gone a college education and they don't want them to have tattoos or they you know that doesn't mean anything but like knowing that you want is kind of like just talking with people and sitting down with them and how they might make you feel like these feelings you're feeling we talk a lot about

like the spark or whatever and you might you're gonna go on dates with women and they'll make you feel a feeling and you might think oh fuck i love her and then you realize all she is is just like picking on an insecurity you have about yourself that takes time to figure out man like it took it took it takes people sometimes 10 years right yeah and you're gonna you're you're dating now a little older and more mature so you're gonna like your learning curve might be a little shorter but you still have to learn some of this stuff. So it's great that you know what you want in terms of like, I want a relationship, but you're not entirely sure what those qualities are, what that type of connection is, how your love language fits and things like that, you know,

compatibility. And I think that's the thing that you have to give yourself some space and grace to figure out. Right. I think knowing that, because i think sometimes a lot of people in your position will say well i want a girlfriend i want to be in a relationship and then you're just trying to jam that goal down everyone you meet who you have a decent time with right and you're just like fuck it i like you you seem nice i don't know you're pretty my friends kind of like you fuck it we should date man you know and they're just like whoa i don't huh you know so yeah you hit it on the mark yeah that's something that i've noticed and learned this past summer was like okay i need to slow my rolls and you and not put so much pressure on finding a girlfriend, you know, because like you said, I'm starting later in the game, but it doesn't mean that I need to

make up for that time. I still need to give myself the room to figure out, you know, what I really want in a partner or want in somebody. And so just to clarify, so when I'm on a first or second date with somebody, I'm getting to know them. I don't really need to be asking them, what made you download the app or what made you go on this date or something like that. I mean, you can ask it, it's fine, but that doesn't tell you a ton about them. Simple question, like, what do you do? do what'd you do today follow-up questions are great if you ask them what they do for work do you like your job what do you like about your job what's your favorite thing about your job what's something about your job you don't like

is this something you want to keep doing do you have other goals outside of this job oh i've always thought about doing this what stuff you know like you know, like, you know, stuff like that. Which is what I've done, you know, like, that's like, I'm a personable person, I recognize the what I can bring to the table. And I've also recognized that I do have a lot of insecurities that I'm working through. And I think that first girl that I, you know, was dating for going on dates with for two months, that was probably like the first real experience that I had where someone was reciprocating, you know, liking me. And it turned out where she didn't eventually like me, you know, to that level, which obviously was a, it hurt, you know, and it was a big kicker into working on myself more and working on those insecurities so

that, like you said, when I go on another date, I'm not shoving it down their throat. Like I'm so eager to be in a relationship because that's not attractive either. So basically you're kind of, you know, keep doing what I'm doing, which is getting to know somebody, having easy conversation with them, getting to know their background and then build a connection with them. And if it falls through, then it falls through. Right. Totally. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Dating is just a fucking mess and it's hard to follow like certain rules and processes and, and things like that. So I think you just need to take it easy on yourself, you know? And yeah, it's just, it's just kind of a wild roller coaster. And I think if you have those expectations going in, you can be pleasantly surprised. And it's just, it's, it kind of takes years.

It really does. You know, some people get it right off the bat and congratulations for them, but this podcast wouldn't exist if it was so easy. You know, there's a fine line between getting some perspective and not being cynical as we've talked about, you know, like I'm not trying to like have you call in and not enjoy dating and getting excited about a girl. Like you should allow yourself to get excited, but if it doesn't work out like it didn't, don't let it crush your spirits and have have you become jaded or or or whatever you know like be excited but also just know that like that's maybe not love right because you're not 18 and 17 anymore because if you were 18 and 17 you'd just be like fuck it man i'm fucking in love and this is the

greatest thing and you know and then even your parents would be like i fuck it, man. I'm fucking in love and this is the greatest thing. And then even your parents would be like, I don't know, man, but like, fuck it, it's 17. How am I gonna, but you know this. You're an adult, man. And you have perspective in other aspects of your life and maybe not dating, but you can incorporate that kind of level-headed approach. And you're old enough to know

that how you see things initially might not how be how might not be how they are once you've taken a step back and really looked at it right i'm sure you've learned that at work or you know and same thing applies to dating so you can get excited you can enjoy it and still say all right i like where this is going i like her i definitely like her i want to get to know more about her. And we'll see if she likes me. And it's a fine line between playing hard to get and being too available.

And there's no tricks. And I don't want you to start reading these books about how to game the system and pick up chicks. Be your authentic self. Someone is going to love you for that. It just might take some time. And in the meantime, the more confident you are about who you are and what you want while still being a gentleman and respect for the people you're going on dates with you will find that and you'll probably just

avoid a lot of fuck girls of your own you know there's a lot of fuck boys out there and they're not just men just try to enjoy it along the lines. And you can say, it's okay to say like, honestly, I haven't dated a ton. I was focused on my career. I'm honestly probably, you know, saying stuff like that, saying the honest truth can show some confidence. I don't want to talk about your insecurities on the first three dates,

but like as you get to know someone, maybe you, you know, try it out with someone. You got to start talking about like, you know, something I'm just really kind of insecure about is this i just you just say it but you say it knowing that your insecurity or her knowing your insecurity doesn't isn't gonna crush you you're not gonna die and then maybe she opens up about insecurity and when people start feeling safe to open up their insecurities that's when they start feeling safe and like someone and you know those are ways to overcome those and like you're you might be the nice guy but you can show her that you're a self-assured guy and a strong guy and you know and that's a

different you know you don't have to be a dick or a nice guy you can just be a decent guy who's still figuring it out but he knows what he wants. He knows how to set his boundaries. If he knows how to put himself out there and he won't like pout and, and, and, and cry, you know, you can be, and you can emote, but you know what I'm saying? So it's just a process. My overall advice to you is, is take it easy on yourself. You don't have to figure it all at once. Get out there and start dating, just date hard you can keep going practice you know take your swings shoot your shots and just have you know uh just take it easy on yourself and i think honestly i think you're going to be fine that's that's uh really good to know and i really appreciate your perspective and your advice uh you. I started listening to your podcast actually

when I started getting back into the dating world and it's been very helpful to hear from other people's experiences. So thank you for your advice. Question, do you have a lot of women friends? I do. Yeah, good. So I think that's good that you prioritize that. Make them your friends.

Don't know friends with benefits. Don't, no friends with benefits. Don't turn them into girlfriends. But like take their advice about like, you know, how you should dress. Maybe get some fashion advice from them. You know, some of that stuff, you know, like what girls like or they don't dislike. And just general high-level stuff, you know. That's great you can catch up pretty fast by just listening and talking to other women you know i think that's great to have women friends as long as you have a clear definition about that like don't know you don't

be you don't make don't make friends that they're not they're not your girlfriends you know your friends or something you're trying to date don't don become the guy that you'll get friend zone all the time. Clear boundaries. Yeah, I know. I experienced that a time or two in college because that's how I thought dating works. It's like you get to know someone and then eventually you would move into a relationship, but that's all right. I have a lot of great friends now from those experiences and they have definitely helped me throughout, you know, this overall, you know, past couple of years of just trying to figure out, you know, where, where do I want to go and who I am? So it's, it's nice to have that perspective. And it's, it's also kind of

interesting to a point that I am, I do have a lot of women friends and I can make women friends easily, but there's that disconnect when I start going on dates. I lose all that disconnect. So it's just very interesting. It's because it's different. You know what I'm saying? A lot of people think it's not.

And so when you start when you go out and date you have women friends you don't need more women friends so if some girl wants to be friends with you just be like hey you seem nice but actually i'm good i have friends and don't make the mistake of thinking you can get her to like you by being her friend and it seems like you know that but you know other things in terms of like learning what women like or you or little things that you and I might not know because we're guys and we don't pay attention to that stuff or getting fashion advice and staying with the trends. And it's always great to lean on your women friends. For sure. And so just one other question, because I do recognize that I want a relationship, but I'm also open to kind

of pushing myself outside my comfort zone and, you know, having fun and figuring out, you know, my likes and dislikes. And so, you know, if that's something that is casual and I do go on a date or, you know, with somebody and I sense that, you know, I'm seeking a casual thing with them, how would I bring that up in like a respectful manner? I'm sure that's probably hard to answer, but like, is there any kind of advice that you can do? No, I mean, the most respectful thing is to be totally upfront and honest, to be very clear with your expectations. Don't kind of be like, well, you know, with your expectations.

Don't kind of be like, well, you know, don't use words like maybe and we'll see, you know, especially if you could tell a girl likes you. You just be like, hey, listen, you seem nice, but like I'm looking

for something casual. And then is the person who set that boundary, then it's your responsibility to be to like pay attention if you think if in check-in if you think she she starts like well hey i know you just said we wanted something casual but like we've been hanging out then it's your responsibility responsibility to slow it down all you can

do is just be honest and up front you can you know and that's how you practice communication doesn't guarantee you're going to hurt anyone's feelings doesn't guarantee that someone might be upset with you that you don't give them what you want but you just got to be honest and upfront and just very direct and and don't be don't live in the gray don't like don't be afraid to hurt their feelings at the risk of being direct you just be kind be gentle be a gentleman but just be honest like hey i don't want more from you and if you think that they want more from you then those are the people you shouldn't be having casual hookup sex with because it's comfortable and easy. Like don't do the same thing that you're afraid to be done to you. Right. So yeah, I think you just need to

practice on communication and dating. And I think you're going to be fine. You're, you're, you're kind of, you're hyper aware and the fact that you want to be good at it, just like anything else takes practice, but you will get good at it. Very true. All right. Awesome. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Thanks for listening. Best of luck, buddy. You're gonna be great. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you doing? Good. What's your name? My name is Kristen. Hi, Kristen. How old are you? I'm 44. How can I help? So I've been dating this guy for almost a month now, like three and a half weeks. And he wanted the boyfriend girlfriend title pretty early, like a week and a half into it. Did you say why?

No, I think he was just kind of in the moment. We had had an exclusivity talk before, like a few days before. So I knew we were kind of exclusive. Like, I'm not dating anyone else. You're not dating anyone else, that kind of thing. But then, I don't know, a few days later, he was kind of buzzed. And he was like, I already think of you as my girlfriend. I want you to be my girlfriend. Like, do you want to be my girlfriend?

And I was like, no, I'm not answering that. How old is this person? He's younger. He's 34. Okay. So there's a significant age difference. Okay. Yeah.

And I didn't say yes because he was buzzed. And I was just like, you're buzzed. Let's talk about it tomorrow. Let's see if that's actually how you feel tomorrow. Okay okay and the next day he was like i everything i said was real that's how i feel like you don't have to say it right away if you're not ready but i want you to be my girlfriend but why i don't know i mean i guess did you ask the question there you go i'd start there well he's like i'm so into you you know he was into you. Why are you into me? He says he thinks I'm beautiful.

I'm smart. I have my shit together. Those are vague. Right. They're pretty vague. Yeah. Is he able to articulate how he makes you feel when he's around you? But these are ways you can ask questions and be like i like you but like it feels like you're trying to rush to define something when we haven't figured out if we know each other and

certainly people who are 10 years apart can date but it's still uh a reason to maybe ask more questions because yeah well you could certainly totally work out there's also a chance that you guys might you know not totally line up maturity wise or want different things or blah blah there's like a million things of why it could not work out that have nothing to do with your age difference and the age difference like adds another wrinkle right all the more reason to be like hey you know we've been hanging out for like a couple weeks and i'm glad we like each other super exciting i feel the same yeah let's keep learning and if we were going to define something right now i need you to explain why i need to know that you feel the way i do and and and feel like vague like well you're just cool

and pretty and like i like you are not reasons. And that's not explaining. It could be a girlfriend or boyfriend. Yeah. That's not like, you know. Yeah. It's definitely vague. And I feel like our real life actions are we're dating,

but I don't feel like, I feel like if I was just dating him and we were just dating, we never had this conversation. I'd be fine with what's happening in our relationship but because he put this you know uh title to it my expectations are higher and those are not being met what do you mean oh so you're like oh like so at first you're just like yeah i'll fuck you and then and then he's like i want you to be my girlfriend and you're like all right well i need this is what I want for my boyfriend. And then he was like, wait, I thought,

I thought I just got to have sex with you and call you my girlfriend. No, no, no, no. We were definitely dating. We had four dates before we had sex. There was definitely like conversations. Oh, four dates. Okay, well, I guess. Well, you know, that's big.

Yeah, totally. I'm just fucking with you. But it was, I know, but it was, you know. What do you mean by your needs aren't being met though? I mean, like, so our schedules don't line up. I work days, he works nights, he works, you know, weekends. So our schedules don't line up. So we don't have a lot of free time at the same time.

But like, for instance, we finally had one day off and my expectation was let's spend this day off together. And that didn't happen. So, I mean, it sort of happened at that evening, but his initial plan was not to spend this day off together. And that didn't happen. So, I mean, it sort of happened at that evening, but his initial plan was not to spend his day with me. And I was annoyed by that. I probably should have said something and asked for the time instead of just getting mad about not being the priority, but I don't know. I, I just, I, I'm teasing you, but you got a 34-year-old guy,

you got a 44-year-old woman, and we give 22-year-olds a hard time. Give me a hard time. Go ahead. What do you like about them? How did you guys meet? We met out. We met through a mutual friend and then saw each other out a couple times.

And what's your story? So you're 44. Have you been married before? No? Yes? Never married. No kids. No kids.

Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Not necessarily to either one. No, I don't need marriage. I don't need kids. Sure. Okay. And what about him?

Have you talked to him about that? Yes. It was one of our initial conversations before anything really happened was like this. I mean, to me, it was a huge age gap to him. He was like, this is fine. This is not a concern for me. And we talked about the kids thing. And he said, what would your biggest concern be?

And my biggest concern would, if you want to have children, I might not be able to do that. And he was totally cool with it. He have children, I might not be able to do that. And he was totally cool with it. He was like, I don't need them. I could have them. I could not have them. It doesn't matter. I mean, he's talked about us being together forever and all this stuff.

So I guess what's your big question? What is the motivation for calling me your girlfriend if you're not following it up with your actions really i mean some people love titles and it's not just you know i don't think women are any more guilty than men you know for all the people who don't want to define a relationship and drag their feet and don't want a commitment there's a whole nother large group of people who just just want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend right and he met you you've had a pretty good time maybe he's had a string of bad dates and a lot of you know interactions and he meets you and she's like oh fuck man she's like she's 44 she's mature like i don't know she's easy to be around fuck it i haven't been this good in a couple years

and he just wants to lock it in i i don't know but like that that does happen all the time these are great questions for him. Right. Yeah. I should be asking him these questions, right? Yeah. Not you. I mean, I'm happy. I'm happy.

Thanks for calling in. But I do think it's shocking how, how often people in these relationships who are dating will have these potential great expectations of each other talk about things like kids or marriage or exclusivity they'll have sex they'll see each other naked but they are afraid to ask things like why or follow-up questions or and these are not like you're not being difficult you're just trying to get answers and or or setting expectations oh okay well you want to be my boyfriend and you had a free day and like i didn't hear from you which is it's fine but like yeah whoever i call my boyfriend quality time is one of my love you know if it is like i like spending a lot of time with my

boyfriend and i like feeling like a priority from my boyfriend and that kind of made me feel like not a priority and since we barely know each other and we've known each other for less than a month i don't want to overreact because maybe you had something going on and maybe you know but like that's how i felt so let's talk about it and let's have a conversation this is an example of how little you guys know about each other, even though what you do know, you both seem to kind of like, which is great. But that doesn't mean you should like, people do this weird thing, it's just like,

once they decide they like someone, or if they want to like someone, they're like, I'm going to stop getting to know this person, and then I'm just going to like them. And then hopefully it doesn't get worse from here. Right. Right. And then they'll stop asking questions.

And then when, when miscommunication happens or where things don't line up, they'll just get pissed off and confused and ask their friends or, you know, some guy in a podcast instead of asking the very person, like, I just like, you know,

that happened. And like, why? And this is how I felt. And this is how it made made me feel and i don't want to feel this way and maybe you didn't even mean it this way so yeah time to have some conversations yeah but i mean it's easy it's definitely immature of him to want who to force this like defining of of boyfriend and girlfriend with such little information right and if he was able to say listen i know like if he was able to recognize the obvious and and and show some self-awareness and say listen i get we've only been in three and a half weeks and it's a little nuts but i like you and let me tell you

why i feel the way i do and he was able to like really articulate it and really say hey and things might change and who knows maybe we'll break up but i do know and there is what there is nothing wrong is saying you know boyfriend girlfriend whatever three weeks that's fine it's reasonable for you to go like i, I know I like you and I know I want to learn more. I hope you feel the same way about me. Can we just like agree to like not have sex with other people?

I would rather not worry about you still on the dating apps and let's just keep getting to know each other because I like you and I'm willing, I like you enough to know I want to invest more in getting to know you.

I think that's reasonable. So, and that could be what he is trying to do. And he's just doing a bad job of communicating that because honestly, I don't think anyone says shit like that. They're just like, be my boyfriend or be my girlfriend. Right. Yeah. But it sounds like maybe he just wants to know that like he just,

he's, he's totally fine with focusing on just you and learning more about you. But I think people in your position want to hear that self-awareness to say, does this guy want to marry me tomorrow or does he just want to get to know me? Because if he just wants to get to know you more without worrying about you sleeping with other people and he's fine with shutting that down and getting off the dating apps just to focus his energy on you, that seems reasonable, right? Totally.

Yeah. Yeah. So maybe that's it. That I have no problem with. Yeah. Right. So have that, sit down with them and be like, okay, so what do you mean by boyfriend and girlfriend?

What are your expectations? Yeah. Because if you just like date for three weeks and go, hey, do you want to be my boyfriend? And they're like, yeah, I'll be your girlfriend. And they're like, great. And then you guys have no idea what that means to either of you. Right. You know, it might be to one couple, it means something. So like you had all these expectations with your last relationship and invite and the same with him, those aren't going to be the same as your

expectations of each other. No. And yet you have no idea what those expectations are yeah after dating someone for a month is that ridiculous well but that doesn't but the timeline doesn't really matter there because you guys the way you guys are going now a year from now you still might not have any expectations what it means to be each other's boyfriend and girlfriends right and truly like you on the first date you you guys figured out that both of you were like not having kids wasn't a big priority so you guys are capable of talking about like important things yeah so talk about like what it means like imagine being on a third date and having a conversation. What does it mean to be a boyfriend to you?

Or a girlfriend to you? What a fun third or fourth date conversation no one has. Yeah, we should be having these conversations. Hey, it's not just you. I don't know if I've had a conversation like that on a date. I mean, in any, I don't know. I don't know if I've had a conversation like that on a date. I mean, in various ways I have, but like what, what's,

what's so bad about being like, Hey, we've been hanging out. We've been hanging out for three or four weeks. It's our fifth date. Like, what does that mean to you? Like,

like when, Oh, you are. I don't know. Like, I don't know, I guess a little bit, but I think it's just because of past things that don't work out and people don't want like i don't know i guess a little bit but i think it's just because of

past things that don't work out and people don't want to have real conversations i don't know so maybe that's a bit of it but i mean he keeps telling me like he's here he's into this this is you know this is happening you know yeah well also you have a right to be nervous about the fact that while it's great that he's excited, neither of you really know how this is going to work out. Yeah, totally. So you're being a little bit more pragmatic and logical and self-aware. He's throwing more caution to the wind, and there's nothing wrong with either.

It's kind of fun to have a little bit of both, but you still need to have some of these conversations. Yeah, yeah. You need to line up a little bit more yeah that's yeah okay so try that all right and listen if it doesn't go the way you hope better you know now totally be done yeah i agree go back on those dating apps. Are you like in love with the guy? Are you excited? No, no, no. I'm excited by him. I really like him.

Yeah, no, I'm definitely not in love. I mean, it's way too early. Like, no, I think it takes a lot longer for that. A little nervous. And rightfully so. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like anyone. I never like anyone.

I mean, like I've been single for a really long time i don't ever like anyone so not to scare you but the fast like the the faster they fall for you without like a lot of information the more the more likely likely they're gonna just fall out yeah yeah no i know you know but again we don't really know because it could just be a level of excitement that he's not articulating very well. And you could easily say, listen, I like you. And yeah, I want to stop sleeping with other people. I want to, I don't want, I'm good with just focusing on you

and let's see where it goes. By the way, you know, I guess labels, sure, whatever. But what does that even mean to you? Right. You know, like, what are your expectations? Like, you know, is that going whatever but what does that even mean to you right you know like what are your expectations like you know is that going to change how much we hang out because it will for me like if you're going to be my boyfriend i i want to know that you're there i want to have i don't want to wonder because right now i don't have a lot of expectations

for you you're some guy i've met for three weeks i've had some pretty good sex with and i'm having fun with but yeah like is it more i'm and maybe he doesn't even realize because like i like relationships don't start until expectations come and does he does he recognize that does he recognize he's literally he's not saying be my girlfriend he's saying i want more responsibility and i want more expectations of myself and of you as well because that's what it means yeah and i don't think that's what it means to him i don't feel like it does yet right yeah well fine yeah right have conversation good luck i think you can do it i think you can handle it

i think i can handle it yes i will do it all right okay cool thanks thank you all right thanks okay how's it going hi um my name is ashley and i'm 31 hi ashley how can i help so i was dating a guy for about like a month and a half okay um it was going really well um I'm divorced for like four and a half years and I've dated a bunch. And like this guy was like my favorite, like it was going the most smoothly. And he was also divorced. It's been like a year and a half. And before we like actually ended up dating, I made sure he was ready. Cause it hadn't really been as long, but we had that in common. And we ended up having a lot of similarities in common. And it was just like easy to talk to him, like going very well.

So we had gone on about like, I don't know, eight or nine dates or so. And then I went away for like a week and a half, talked every day. Like we always had said good night every night. Um, when I came back, I saw him the night I got back and we were like really excited to see each other. Um, we had gotten a little bit more intimate. And then after that, I disclosed to him that I have a very common STI that I was very worried to like tell him about because I've had people in the past react like really like ignorantly about it. But without even like skipping a beat, he was like, Oh, I already know all about that. I've done research because one of my friends girlfriends had that. It's like really common. It's usually dormant. And I'm like,

Oh, great. Like he already knows. No big deal. Um, texted me when he got home that night had an amazing time whatever talked the next day had said that he was having a busy work day and that he was gonna be busy for the next couple days and then radio silence and I haven't heard from him since Tuesday night so Wednesday night I texted him because I he didn't seem like the type of person to just disappear. So I actually was legitimately worried. So I thought maybe there was an emergency. So I was really giving him the benefit of the doubt, like looking up car accidents in the area. There's no way this guy would have done this.

So I texted him on Wednesday night and was like, hey, is everything okay? I'm starting to get confused. Nothing. Thursday night, I called him, left him a voicemicemail and said can you just give me a call back i'm starting to just get worried just let me know that you're okay then on friday i noticed that he unmatched me from the dating app and that was it i'm sorry that sucks you still haven't heard from him no this is i can you got ghosted and that sucks uh this is actually ghosting and like i know like unfortunately you're like you know taking one for the team here for our

audience but like so many people call it and be like you didn't call me for a first date i got ghosted i'm like no you didn't just call you back yeah you were interrelate you're like you were meeting that you're you there was expectations to hear from each other there was some sort of um relationship early on whatever uh and he ghosted you and that sucks because like you just described um uh those are typical feelings from someone when they get ghosted. My first instinct question to ask you is like, is there anything from like a male perspective that like you can surmise from this? But I also don't want to focus on him too much because like it's clear like he's an asshole and like I'm better off without him. So like my second part is also I seem to attract people that will just leave very coldly and

abruptly have this happened to you before yeah not this bad but it has happened before and it's concerning because well what do you mean because this is very specific this is ghosting yeah and and this really sucks and while um you know not hearing back after a first date or some of abruptly hanging you know breaking up with you sucks it's definitely not the same as ghosting no it's not what happened and and being having someone ending a relationship never feels great and in early dating situations it tends to be out of the blue. The only note I would give you is that if it always feels out of the blue, then you must not be paying enough attention for the signs that something's wrong on their end.

Now, again, I mean, the way you tell this story it sounds like you were pretty self-aware and checking in um you mentioned the sti i mean like you said like it sounded like he had a really positive response and he wasn't as ignorant as maybe other people might be about some of those things and and there's no reason to think that that was the reason why he ghosted. Right, no. Because a lot of people ghost without stuff like that. So I think it's a lot of wasted energy. The fact of why he ghosted, total waste of your time trying to understand why.

Yeah. It's completely not your problem. What are some of the examples of of what do you mean by abrupt that people are like i mentioned i was divorced so the man that i got divorced from also like did like brought up like brought up the divorce conversation like very abruptly ended it very quickly and coldly like he didn't have any sort of like caring or empathy which was like alarming yeah like you would think someone would i'd be careful not to compare your divorce with your casual dating since then it's just a similar um just it seems like a lack of caring yeah unfortunately there's a lot of bad communicators and shitty people out there

who lack empathy i'm not excusing it but it's not a you problem if you're like how do i how do i like discover these traits about people sooner so i'm not a month and a half in? So thinking about your ex-husband, when you reflected back, was he just an amazingly empathetic guy to everyone around him? He put on a very good front. So you saw him put on a front to people. Well, I also met him when I was 23 years old. So I don't want to excuse it.

But at the time, I really didn't see the difference because he only showed the difference when I was doing something that upset him or irritated him observe him treating other people with a lack of empathy did you observe your ex-husband putting up a front to people being two-faced talking behind their back you know not particularly no okay yeah I don't have a lot of information to go on but if you're saying like he was this great guy and you know, not perfect, no one's perfect. And then one day was it, you know, was there someone else? No, no, that I can be like certain of. I know that there wasn't, he just like, didn't really feel like putting in the effort anymore.

And I wasn't, i wasn't like entirely happy and whenever i would come to him with like an issue it somehow like was my fault why i was upset with him to begin with so he never really like listened to what i was saying it always turned around to like oh well i'm doing this because of what you're doing gotcha and other than your ex-husband and this guy how many other relationships have you how many like how many people you've been dating i haven't like had like a relationship since the divorce i've just like dated people here and there for like a month or two okay so very small sample size yeah you know yeah and so i wouldn't let the trauma of your divorce like getting your head too much you know ghosting is a thing it happens sadly people do it yeah i

mean i just i think you just kind of get back out there yeah yeah and like i already have like i've already started to like like change in my mind like okay he's clearly not the person that i thought he was so like that's making it easier it was just kind of the shock of it was pretty like alarming that someone could like so do such like a a quick flip was it right after the sti conversation no he stayed until 3 a.m i told him that like hours before oh but it was like the next but no so it was right after the sti conversation well so that was on monday night we talked on tuesday and tuesday night was the last time i heard from him so how long did you date this guy for like a month and a half so my guess is if i and again it doesn't really matter but yeah he it probably had something to do with that and he was real shitty about how he went about it and i'm only saying that because i'd rather have you think

that than getting your head about like some thing you can't identify that you're doing that you can't figure out of why men are just abruptly leaving you. You know? Right. So, yeah, I think it's a small sample size. I think you just, it's a tough beat. You got to, you know, it's a shitty feeling. Get back out there. Keep dating.

feeling get back out there keep dating all the more reason to take it slow when you get excited about a guy try not to be cynical or let the divorce or this ghosting stop you from taking a chance unfortunately as we you know dating is hard and it's discouraging you're just you just gotta be patient enough and have enough enough perseverance to find that one person who is sweet and kind and empathetic who is willing to work through problems that you are willing to work through as well all while at the same time you know always looking it's and you seem introspective you're like you're literally calling in being like is there what am i doing wrong you know you're probably not doing anything specifically wrong but as long as you keep like looking in the mirror saying what can i how can i be a better communicator how could i be more

understanding etc etc you seem willing to do that yeah yeah i think like when i when i finally like meet someone that i like because it doesn't happen a lot i get like excited and then i think that's when i turn, like, I just stop paying attention. Like all of a sudden. Pretty common. I either go from like hunting for the red flags. And then once I like them, I'm like,

oh, they're great. Like I don't have to do that anymore. And then I'm not paying attention. We were just talking about that earlier. You know, people, once they decide to like someone,

they stop getting to know someone. I think that's what happened. Yeah. I just assumed. Yeah. Literally everyone. All right. Well, I guess think that's what happened. Yeah. I just assumed. Yeah. It's literally everyone. All right. Well, I guess that makes me feel better.

Yeah. You are definitely not alone. Yeah. Yeah. So it's good to get excited. And your excitement is literally something that should be saying, congratulations, you're excited. Now ask more questions. Right. Take some more time. Yeah. You don't have to be cynical. Like you're excited now ask more questions right take

some more time yeah you don't have to be cynical yet you don't know i mean shit you you learned about your a lot about your husband after you married him right you know and sometimes you're just you're never you're always gonna have to take a leap of faith. If you ever want to get married again or get engaged, I don't care. It might not be as aggressive as taking a leap of faith like going on The Bachelor, getting engaged, but it's still a leap of faith at some point. But yeah, I think it's great to recognize

that when you get excited, that is not, you don't stop learning and asking questions and getting to know someone and you never you know it's and you're still not going to prevent yourself from sometimes getting disappointed yeah all right i do have like another question shoot like i i seem to gravitate towards very like outwardly like polished people that lack like substance inside like this i'm not a big fan of polished people i find that to be a big red flag the more polished people try to act the more i'm a little cautious that's just me yeah well it seems like the polished people are like the assholes so it's like i need

to like reframe it in my head where like i get so swept away like this guy got me flowers and i was like oh my god like this is so nice flowers a knife but like it's just hard to be like perfect all the time it's hard to like be polished and be so like put together takes a lot of effort it was you know and uh usually you know i think the closer you get, if you're dating someone and you start getting close and you feel like you're connecting with someone, they should be willing to like show you a little bit of their cracks. You know, I love to say, oh, I'm actually getting a tattoo of it this week. Damaged, not broken. we're all damaged we're

not none of us are broken and if you are dating someone and you feel like you're getting closer but you can't figure out or they can't open up to you how they might be slightly damaged and that damage could be i don't know just some vulnerability it's really just vulnerability to talk about how you're a little bit damaged is to express some vulnerability. And they're just like, no, I'm just polished as shit. Got it all put together. That, to me, is a red flag. So you're not really connecting with someone unless they start showing you some of their cracks.

It doesn't have to be like some big confessional. Just a little bit of vulnerability, a little bit of like, I'm not, I'm just, I'm a little damaged. I'm not broken, but you know,

just got some, you know, little cracks here and there. Yeah. Yeah. Like no one can have it completely together or like, that's just completely phony. Yeah. So that like that,

let that to be something to look for. Yeah. I think that's completely phony. Yeah. So like that, let that just be something to look for. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. Yeah. Because I can get so easily swept away by like the show of it. But like that's not what matters. It's like the being vulnerable because like I definitely can and I do like share things about myself, obviously. And like I'm comfortable doing that.

But like if they can't give me anything in return, that, that could be a red flag for sure. Yeah. For, you know, maybe next time you open up, you're like some guy, you want to like, I mean, I should just tell him about this STI, but make sure they've told you something first. It's like collateral. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I figured like, why open up to a guy if you're not sure if he's going to open up to you. Yeah. That's a good point.

Maybe so next time, since you know you're not, maybe you sense that you're pretty good at trying to be vulnerable, open it up, and you're attracted to guys you actually polished. Maybe wait for the next time you get excited about, about showing some of their cracks first. Okay. All right. That's a good idea.

Great. All right. Well, best of luck. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. All right. Thanks. I appreciate it. Bye.

Appreciate you listening, guys. As always, don't forget to send in your questions at castmedia.com. Cast with a K for your submissions, for asking it callers. And on Wednesday, Rod Thill is with us. You won't want to miss it.