The Viall Files - E326 Ask Nick - Watch Your Bias

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

On today’s episode of Ask Nick, we first pivot in the world of relationships to someone who wants to know how to navigate personal growth and how to make sure she’s doing it for herself and not him. Next, we speak with someone who seems to keep attracting the wrong guys in dating. Is it her, or just some self-limiting beliefs? Finally, we speak with someone who wants clarity on her recent situationship and whether or not she was being gaslit.  “It's an explanation...not a justification.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Storyworth: http://www.StoryWorth.com/viall for $10 off your first purchase Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files. I am your host Nick and joined by well Ellie, Ellie is working on something else. Amanda's in the studio at the moment. How are you doing, Amanda? Very well, thank you. How are you? How was your birthday? Birthday was great, yeah.

No complaints. New York was wonderful. How are you? Good. You met my friend in New York. I did, yeah. Natalie got this, she really went all out, and one part of the birthday was this boat we went to and it was really cool on the pier

and we went with some friends and had some drinks and she introduced herself. Yeah, my best friend from college. And she said- Your best friend? She said, yeah, she's my best friend from college. Like live together the whole shebang. What am I trying to say?

Whole shebang. And she said it was kind of awkward when she met you. And that she was like, fuck, I shouldn't have done that. I don't understand. Listen, it's an awkward thing to do. So she thought it was awkward or I was awkward? She thought it was awkward. She wasn't insulting you in any way, shape, or form.

But she was like, I felt like I was bugging him. No, not at all. It's always like it's a weird thing. And she was very nice and i was like oh hi and i was like oh you're amanda great and like i think i said love working with amanda something like that and then she was like okay and then she kind of people will do this kind of like i don't know if i should end it or not and then i'm kind of then i give them the out it's like oh it was really thanks for saying hi oh okay okay so you're okay so you thought you

didn't want her to feel awkward, so you just kept it short and sweet. Yeah, but also I was, in fairness, to be totally candid. You were with your friends. I wasn't trying to invite her to sit with us. Yeah, and she was working. She was working, too. She was working.

But she also didn't give me the impression that she was trying to linger either. It's always, listen, it's an awkward thing to do do you feel like what's the best ever like intro or like someone walking up to you like a stranger walking up to you what's the most successful or like best one that's happened just come with a clear intention there uh we were in brooklyn nelly and I, and I don't know his name, but the actor, he's in a lot of movies. He's Jepson, I think, from the movie The Holiday. He's the quote-unquote bad guy in A Knight's Tale, the British actor.

Jesper? Jesper? Jesper in The Holiday? It's the guy that Kate Williams hung out with. Anyway, I saw him. I'm like, oh, I know that guy. And he walked past me. I said, love your work. He said, oh, thanks. And that was it. I just wanted him, Oh, I know that guy. And I just, he walked past me. I said, love your work. He said, Oh, thanks. And that was it.

You know, like I just wanted him to know that I was a fan. So it's just more, it's like, you definitely need an out, you know? Totally. Totally.

Do you think, do you like it when people pretend, like start talking to you in a way that doesn't acknowledge that you're like, that they know you from somewhere? Well, that's the worst. It's the, how do I know you?

And I know they know, or, or they'll be like, you know, you know, I don't know, but I will Well, that's the worst. It's the, how do I know you? And I know they know, or they'll be like, you know, I don't know. But I will say, I do want to say I was in New York and it was a really nice time. When I go to New York, it does mean a lot because especially when we went to GovVol Festival to have all the people who came up throughout New York City and stopped me

and said, I love your podcast. Five or six people were listening to the podcast while I walked past them. So that means a lot. And that's also just a super cool feeling for me. And so certainly appreciate all the people saying hi, especially, you know, all the people who acknowledge this podcast and the ethnic episodes or in the bachelor fan. So pretty cool. And uh and that is cool but yeah i mean especially if they're you know stuff like that love the podcast or whatever you know the podcast is the key to my heart obviously you know like oh weren't you on that

show like uh i might i might get pretty awkward pretty fast but uh yeah the podcast is file files is the end take note of my heart yeah i i uh yeah but even then like you know because like when you say hi to a stranger like if you're gonna hit on them then you like you're you want to stick around and even then you might want to just like say hi get their number but like yeah like i'm trying to be nice but also trying to go about my day i would do whatever it is i'm doing it's uh listen it's it's not meant to not be awkward well i also think because you're an introvert like i think being an introvert and then being someone who's like been on tv and those two things it's i think it's very easy to read like more like shyness is like oh i think they're above

who was i talking about that was making someone from the bachelor world that like people have like as we talked about with uh susan collins like half the population has introverted qualities right like and i'm a bit of an ambivert but i definitely i've gotten more i was also talking about this i've gotten more introverted as a result of of being in the public eye like i think it's like heightened my introverted qualities uh or exacerbated them if that's the word and yeah it doesn't it it is harder for introverts to deal i wouldn't say deal but to interact with a ton of strangers yeah and to have it like thrust upon you when you're not expecting it

it's a challenge but i'm aware of it and i i i work on it but i do can't thank all the people who did say hi uh in new york over the weekend it's a couple people and i asked their name and i want to be like hey shout out shout out but like you know who you are if you stop me you're listening to the podcast so thank you um we have a great episode for you great callers don't forget to send in your questions at ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k we've got a big week for you this week uh lined up bachelor in paradise finale on tuesday we have a great episode for you on wednesday with the wonderful emily didonato uh you might know her from her modeling career victoria of sports swim suit she's also big

into skincare just a lovely human. Great perspective on life, her marriage. She's pregnant now. Her skincare routine. I really enjoy talking with Emily, so be sure to check that out on Wednesday. And always appreciate you guys listening.

Again, send them those questions at asknickatcastme.com. Okay, and let's get to those callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick those callers. How's it going? Hi, I'm Kylie and I'm 30 seconds. Hi, Kylie. How can I help? So I originally wrote in about a on and get off again,

three-year situationship that I've been in. And I don't want to dive too much into the details because I could probably talk for days to you about it. But basically for some context, we've been on and off again from the beginning. We've never really had the, what are we, feelings conversation. It was always just more than hooking up um but never got to the point where we would express feelings or anything with each other um and when i say on again off again i mean like there'll be like six months of talking and six months of not talking and it's not like we ever just fizzled out and stopped communicating it was very much like an argument would set it off

or jealousy or other people involved on whose part for the most part um it was mostly like things he was doing that upset me gotcha that would then kind of cause the I'm guilty of like the unblocking blocking game or like saying I'm done with you and unfriending. And then months would go by and he would either reach out or I would either unblock him and kind of we'd get back into the same routine of like not even addressing what had happened and just like going about what we usually do. Our last point of no contact was like January through May and then he came back in May and reached out and obviously I answered like I usually do but at that point I was kind of getting fed up with the games he was playing so I tried to kind of have that what are we talk for the

first time in like two and a half years and I basically was like okay how do you feel about me we've never talked feelings before why did you come back and he basically just pinned the question back on me and was like I don't know how, how do you feel about us? And I straight up said, sometimes I think we would work and sometimes I think we never would, but we've never given it like a real try. We've never been on the same page. And he kind of just brushed it off of like, oh, I just got out of something with someone and I'm not looking to jump into anything serious. So I should have took that as, no no I don't want anything and I should have stopped talking but clearly we just kept continuing to do what we always do so it was actually for the

first time like really starting to affect my mental health and like make me more depressed with the games he'll play of going weeks without talking to me but then accusing me of seeing other guys and getting upset when I wouldn't spend the night with him saying things like oh you don't want to sleep next to me just like things like that and it was starting to get to the point where I knew I had to do something because it was not benefiting me at all so I took notes from your podcast and I sent a very chill text message that was basically like hey we can't do this anymore you don't want commitment and I do and that's totally fine that you don't but I don't think we should hang out anymore because I need to move on and obviously he didn't come running back and saying no you know stay I love stay, I love you. But he was basically like, clearly, you've made up your mind.

Like, I don't know what you want me to say to that. I'm just going with the flow. So I was like, okay, you do you like, but I don't want to be, you know, in your flow. So I left it as like, hope you find what you're looking for. And we haven't talked since. And that was about like a week and a half ago. So really all of that leads into my question of how do you kick this like they'll always be back mindset that we tell ourselves when we get like rejected and actually like grow for ourselves

and not to try to prove what he's missing or like make him want you back? Like how do you actually grow for yourselves? And then number two is, are you an advocate for sending that paragraph explanation to people? Or do you think treating with silence sometimes is the best option? Yeah. First of all, I think as far as you sending that letter,

thanks for, for listening. I think it was a good thing. I as far as you sending that letter, thanks for listening. I think it was a good thing, I guess, when you finally sent that letter of just putting out what you wanted. You stopped asking him what he wanted. You told him, you know, you set a boundary there. The big question for you, you have to ask yourself, right, is, and I'm glad you acknowledge that you've done the blocking

and unblocking you know yeah people some people like we talk a lot about obviously boundaries we certainly talked a lot about them recently but you you know we talk about the blocking and i've said like it's not to be used as a tool like you have to be not don't block you know, we talk about the blocking and I've said like, it's not to be used as a tool. Like you have to be not, don't block, you know, setting boundaries is, we've been talking a lot about power to setting boundaries as a way to kind of invoke your power to like, say, this is where I stand and you know, I'm going to defend this position. But when you start using that power as a tool to do other things is a way to manipulate them right because it's a little bit of manipulation on your part right to block and try to get a reaction get them upset or say things you don't mean and you might be doing this because you feel victimized by them

but you you know you become the boy who cried wolf so to speak you lose your power because it's just like you know when you first block someone someone might be like oh my god they blocked me did i do something wrong and then they unblock you and then eventually he's just like how she fucking blocks me and i'll just let her cool off exactly and and i do do it because i do realize that i'll probably like stalk their social media if i don't so there's part of me that does do it for my own mental health. But if you continue to do it and then undo it, it's definitely, it loses its, you know, significance. Yeah. So I guess what I'm saying is like when you write, when you were sent him this letter, if you sent it, I'm sure there was part of you that even though you were trying to take my advice and you

you know there's a part of you that was just like maybe this will work you know maybe you'll finally realize what he's missing and you know you're human so I get that I'm not judging you know so like you just have to try to fight that feeling how do you fight that feeling well clearly so much of your self-worth is wrapped up in his validation of towards you or how how he feels about you or his willingness or an unwillingness to be in the relationship yeah and i've i've never done that in the past of like all like exes come back all the time guys come back i've never taken anyone back and i've always been fine with it so i guess like we need i need to stop telling myself that he has this like power

over me or i can't say no to him because i've never done it in the past and like i just need to like kick that fake power that I think he has over me and realize like, well, it's not from power. It's real power, but you are giving him that power. Well,

that the good news is, is like, it's real, but you, you do have control. You know, people are always like, what should I give my family,

my friend, my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my grandparent, a gift. And like,

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you have just you will let him have this power so there's power there for for you yeah and then you talk about how like he would get jealous or etc etc, et cetera. And I'm sure at some point as fucked up as that is, and that might even be some sort of manipulation tactic or whatever, and I'm sure all these buzzwords, but what it was in that moment, it made you feel good. He cared. Like a lot of people like it when their partner gets jealous and insecure, you know?

I know a lot of men and women who will go out of their way to make their partner jealous just to get a reaction because they're worried that they don't care so here he is being toxic and accusing you of doing shit you're not doing and maybe even projecting what he's doing onto you, et cetera, et cetera. And instead of you seeing that as fucked up and manipulative and toxic, you're just like, oh, thank God he cares about me. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, you have to see it for what it actually is and be, and you're starting to get there. You're, that's the good news. You know, now that you've written this written this letter in a year and a half, you have to tell yourself,

I know there's a part of me that wants him to call, but I do know that the best thing for me is that he doesn't. In fact, I hope he doesn't call because I know that at least right now, I hope he doesn't call anytime soon. I hope he doesn't call next week or two or month because I'm worried that I haven't healed yet. I'm worried that I lacked the strength to say no to him. And I know I should say no to him. I know he's not good for me.

And I know these feelings I feel aren't healthy. They're not love. They're not, oh, we're meant to be. It's not the world bringing us back together. It's me lacking the strength and the confidence in myself and him scratching that wound over and over because it hasn't healed yet. Right? Yeah. So you want to tell yourself that you hope he does it. Now, if he does reach out the next two or three weeks or month before you truly are healed, then the time between now and when he might reach out is that you try to work on, you know, you muster the strength to say no to him. Maybe you do block him now. I mean, the best time to block him right now, or the best time to block him right now or the best way to block

him is now when you've set the boundary and you know you don't want him to reach out and by blocking him won't allow him to reach out even if he does want to reach out because you're done yeah you have to put it in like nothing he could say would like fix it basically. Yeah. So like there's no need to have his number or have him on social media. If he reached out in the next three weeks, all he would be doing is responding to the fact that he can't have you anymore. You know? And then like,

and we said this in the last caller too, it'd be, you know, people drag their feet all the time and sometimes it's justifiable, right? Sometimes we all, you know, especially in today's world, so many reasons that we have access to so much and we drag our feet, you know? We live in a world where our options are limitless

and there's dating apps. And sometimes it's like, oh, is this the person? I don't know. Like, am I really willing to give it all up for this one person? But that person, if they are going to drag their feet, should have at least a clear, it should be very clear. It shouldn't be confusing, you know,

but it's all over the map with this guy, you know? And what he just wants is you around. He just wants you available. He just wants, you know, it sounds like power and control, you know? So knowing that he, accepting that he's not right for you accepting that all these feelings that you have felt for him are not love or chemistry or romance or you know destiny you just got caught up with a guy who was able to keep scratching a wound that wasn't healed and and that wound you know doesn't you know you're fine you just. And in that wound, you know, you're fine.

You just played on it. You know, you just got caught up in it. We've all been caught up in it. And that's maybe your ego getting caught up in it. You know, the fact that you said, I've never had this happen to me before. That's what's fucking you up. You know, maybe you're used to being the one who's ending things or not like, you know, sweating the small stuff when it comes to a guy.

But here you finally met a guy who fucks you up. And so many of us will confuse that as like love or meaningful things. It's like, no, that's the one person you should be running from because you're not like you at your best self is still setting boundaries with the people you love, holding them accountable for that with the people you love, holding them accountable with the people you love, like saying no to the people you love. Because, you know, we all will take a foot if we're given an inch, even with people we love, you know, and we have to have the strength to be able to still hold those people accountable and people we are powerless against is not love. I totally agree. You're on your way. if you were to take ask my

advice i would get off the phone and just block him on everything block his cell phone number don't like he should have sometimes i feel like that since the president that he thinks like i can't control myself not to talk to him and i have to block him. We don't care what he thinks about you anymore. We don't care if he thinks he has power over you. What we care about is your ability to heal and move on so that when he does get a hold of you, you can be closer to indifference than being triggered by him. Yeah.

We don't care. We're not trying to win a PR contest by him. Yeah. We don't care. We're not trying to win a PR contest with him. We're not, we don't care who thinks, who won the breakup. That won't be determined until down the road. People don't win breakups in the moment. People win breakups years from now. You know, five years, you look back and be like,

yeah, I kind of won that shit. Yeah. You don't win in the first couple of weeks just because they are fucking someone new who you think is hot and that makes you feel, that's not winning. That's just a reaction. So we don't care about any of that.

We don't care what he thinks. Let him think what he wants. Let him think that you're doing nothing but crying and pining over him and waiting. It doesn't matter. You're not. That's great advice. So I think you should block him and you should just try to heal.

And, you know, if you've ever, have you done therapy ever? Yeah, I'm currently seeing someone. Great. So work on, you know, what it is about how he makes you feel that he's doing this. But it's definitely not romance or love or anything that has to do with he's not special. He's just there. Yeah, he knows how to scratch a scab. He's a scrab picker. Yeah, thinking of it like that definitely will help

in the long run you're close i think you're on your way just block him and don't don't worry about what he's thinking don't worry about if he's missing you or wondering about you hope that he's not yeah i think that's the most important part switching that mindset of i hope he knows how well i'm doing or I hope he knows I'm fine to actually I really don't care. And so your focus is on I need to be at heel. I need to take care of myself. I need to get myself in a good place because your goal is to not give a shit about him. I'll definitely work on that in the next few months and we'll let you guys know. All right. Keep us posted. Best of luck. You're going to be great.

Thanks so much, Nick. All right. Keep us posted. Best of luck. You're going to be great. Thanks so much, Nick. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, it's Stephanie and I'm 36. Hi, Stephanie. How can I help?

I just got a question kind of concerning my dating life. I've been single for, let's see, probably 11 years. I've gone on and off dating with people, but it just seems like I choose the wrong guys and I don't know how to not do that anymore, I guess. And I don't know if I'm not giving the right guys the chance, but then I keep just going to the dirt bags and giving them chances for whatever reason. So I don't know if you need a little backstory on my life i mean i mean sure i mean i don't know about the whole life but right yeah no i mean like i essentially have only had one long relationship like about three and a

half years but i was back in high school um i had a two yearand-off relationship with kind of an ex-drug addict, and that was obviously not very good for me. So I don't know if those two things of, like, the first relationship, he ended up cheating on me, and then played mind games after the fact with me, just kind of, like, would stay in contact with me and, you know, just insinuate he wanted to get back with me. But then, like, as soon as i'd reach out to him all of a sudden it's like whoa crazy just calm yourself like we're not dating anymore and it's like okay and then of course i move and then i meet this guy who um well he was an ex-drug addict was still a drug addict and stuff and obviously that it's not a good scenario anyway because he's a drug addict and so it's mine, he mind fucked me literally for two years. So telling me how worthless I was telling me I would never amount to anything,

that kind of stuff. So I don't know if those two scenarios have given me, that was two ex drug addicts. No, just, just the one, the one, it was just a high school relationship. The first one, he cheated on me. And then the second guy, yeah. With the, I mean, that's the second longest relationship, even though it was like on and off for two years. How long ago did the second situation end? That was probably 11 years ago. Okay.

And then what have you been doing in the past 11 years? I've been dating. You know, I tried to give guys chances and stuff. My standards weren't all that high at the end, you know, at the beginning of my dating after this guy. Just because I'm like, well, I just need to make sure that they have a living, they can drive, and, you know, they can pay for stuff. Like, it wasn't like I had, like, all these, you know, high standards for anything. But I kept picking, like, the bad boys, the guys that had problems. Because I think maybe I wanted to fix them.

Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. And so then, you know, then I would kind of, my friends would just be like, dude, what are you doing? Like, these guys are idiots. Like, what are you doing?

So, okay, fine. So then I'd keep trying to date people. And I don't know if I keep missing the opportunities for the good guys. Cause I don't feel like I'm worthy enough for the good guys but it's like I don't know I but I meet guys and I'm like oh these seem like nice people and then I'll get like confirmation from friends around they'll be like oh yeah he's super nice he asked about you he wants to get to know you and then they turn out to be super weird like super weird like what I mean like so I had an incident recently I met this guy at a bar hadn't seen him at all and so I was like

okay we kind of not really clicked but you know he liked the same kind of things as I did so I was like all right I'll give you my number if anything comes out of it it's just I have a friend because I have no single friends they're all married with kids and a family so I was like at least then I can have a buddy or if it went somewhere great you know so I gave him my number and then it was literally a two week hiatus is what this happened. I ended up going on a date with him pretty much to his house for wine. I got hammered.

Big deal. So the next day he was really like needy for me. Like it was it was really aggressive and just kind of like, dude, relax, man, like whatever. And then he ended up leaving me two voicemails uh later that night just like oh I really like you you're the greatest thing ever and stuff and then he dropped I love you and I was like you literally just spent one night with me and so that was kind of weird so then I addressed it with him you know I was like hey listen I'm not used to the affection that you're giving me at the moment so like it's just it's new you know i don't get guys who are that into me right away so i don't know how

to how to deal with it and all his reactions were was well if you're not feeling it i guess you're just not feeling it and that was it i'm like all right i guess and that was it and how did that make you feel well i mean it was kind of like i was okay with it only just because i'm like if he's i can't i couldn't there's no way i could pursue dating him knowing that he's on one end of the spectrum and i'm on the other end because then i would feel like i would have to well that's kind of my point it's just like you're right your instincts were right like it's not normal to like spend one night with someone and then the next and then within the next week or two or

day they're just like profess their love for you yeah you know that's it's just another like extreme reaction to a situation and if if nothing else it's an example of someone who's just emotionally immature a lot of it is it's probably my guess is is like you're just having a hard time setting boundaries or in even when you try to set your boundaries maybe it is um you know the manipulation or abuse you deal with dealt with with the first couple guys that make you second guess yourself about the boundaries you're setting and then you feel bad like well i'm not trying to hurt you know i'm not i don't mean it you know and so like yeah again dating is hard and sucky and there is a lot of immature emotionally unavailable people out there especially men and i think it's just

you know finding the confidence in yourself to say yeah why would i want to deal with this that's not normal i don't want to deal with someone who doesn't have their shit together whether it's uh alcoholism i'm not going to deal with someone who is going to not have an adult conversation with me and communicate with me it's just perspective it's looking at it through the lens of i'm learning quickly about these guys who aren't ready or available for me and then having the confidences to move on you know you can get discouraged it's like oh just another fucking shitty guy that i met you know and that's yeah that's a bummer you know you know using shopping analogies today but like yeah you you know out there and you want to get a shirt you have an

idea of a shirt that you want and you spend all day shopping at the ball you just don't find the shirt you're just like i was just shopping all day i didn't bought some shit i don't need about another blue shirt i got a bunch of blue shirts but i wanted to find something else and it can get discouraging yeah for sure yeah the trick is having the willpower yeah the trick is not to have the willpower to buy the shirt you already own or you don't need just because you felt like buying something yeah but you knew but you couldn't find what you're looking for you know so you just got to have the willpower not to like i just want to buy something because like i just have the itch to buy something

no you have to have the discipline to not buy it and the energy and the time to go back out there and try a different mall or a store and maybe you have to take a break break, you know, maybe you're a little tired, a feet are sore, a little swollen from walking around all day, but you take breaks and, and, and just kind of believing yourself. And when you, you know, if you go on one date and someone seems nice, you know, that's bare minimum. And so don't be so quick to like ask your friends like is he good is he is okay also like who are where where are you shopping so to speak you know yeah

see that's my problem so because my friends and i don't blame them at all they're you know they've been in long-lasting relationships with you know now they got family so i don't really get out much so i work i got a day job and i also work at a bar and so i meet a lot of my perspectives i guess at the bar and i've been telling myself lately just because i'm older i don't need you know the bs i'm like you know i need to stop paying people at the bar but you know and unfortunately this last one i i met him there but i hadn't seen him there so i was like well he's not my regular barfly so that's okay right like give him a shot sure i mean i i'm not i don't think you have to like have that be a non-negotiable i mean you could if you wanted to but you don't have to but i do think you want to expand are you at any dating apps i've been on

literally almost every dating app and it's always the same people always the same people and it's like i can see those are you like are you living in like a small town or um i live um just like it's in like the chicago area so like it's not like it's a small town there's lots of people around so yeah so it's not yeah super bad it's just i apparently where i live they're just a bunch of scumbags i don't know do what you can and maybe it's not dating apps and maybe it's just expand i don't know how they all work but like expand the search area and yeah i mean it can get discouraging you want but it sounds like you are definitely shopping in the same pond, so to speak, going to the same places. And a combination of, you know, it's attracting the same types of guys.

And then the guys you do give a chance to, maybe it's a combination of you just being a little impatient and things like that you investing in the wrong people not following your gut you know and things like that yeah and i i usually try and follow my gut and then and again no fault to my friends but they'll they'll be like well you really should just give this guy a shot just give a shot what's it gonna hurt you know they give me that line so i'm, but I'm feeling like it's not going to work. What are the, what are the guys they want to give you a shot? Oh,

they don't have any. Like I, I did actually have a friend of mine. She set me up with a friend of theirs, um, a couple of years ago and it was, it was okay. And you know,

they were just like, it was probably one of my better dating experiences I've had in the sense that, you know, he picked me up. We went to dinner. He paid for dinner like we had a good conversation. It lasted about a month, but then he got super weird, too, with the comments he would make. And I had to question my friend. I'm like, what is up with these? Like, what is this?

And she's like, I don't know. And she'd ask her husband because that's whose friend it was. And then the one comment that really just you know took the cherry on I was just like all right I can't do this so I ended up letting him know I'm like hey I like you like I like spending time with you but these are the things that are concerning me right now because I don't know how to like I don't know why you're saying all this stuff when I don't I don't need this in my life like he said he got in fights all the time um for whatever reason and obviously I'm not big on that because I bartend so I don't need this in my life like he said he got in fights all the time um for whatever reason and obviously I'm not big on that because I bartend so I don't need you to protect me

or anything like that and then he would comment on like sexual stuff and it was just like it was weird it was just things that like he didn't need to be bringing up from his past and I was like next time you go I mean he took it well and I felt good about ending it, but you know, he was a good person. I mean, I think in hindsight now knowing who he is, I don't think we would have worked out, but it's just like, they, I do get set up, but then it turns out like something like this. And it's just like, is it me? Is it just the guys that I'm set up with? I don't know. A combination of everything. What, what is an insecurity you have about your dating life like what are do you have insecurities about certain guys that you want to give a chance to but you're too insecure about being rejected so

then maybe you're you know what I'm saying like yeah do you have some self-loathing beliefs that are stopping you from really expanding your search area? It's probably more or less that because of that last relationship I was in, it was probably more that I'm not worthy of, like, the nice guy, like, the really good guys that have the good families, that have the good values. I don't think I'm good enough for them. What do you mean? Okay. Like, why? I don't think I'm good enough for them. What do you mean? Okay. Like why? I don't, I don't know.

I just, I just feel like, Oh, they're not, they're going to find somebody better or somebody more worthy of them. Even though I know that I got good values. I bring a lot to the table. I'm very,

very independent. Like I've obviously been on my own for. Yeah. Well, that's again, without like getting into your whole life story, you're, you're, you're, you're not in a small town there's clearly plenty of people out there yeah are there a lot of shitty prospects all over

the place for sure right and you know i go to bars whatever but like yeah the bar can attract a lot of you know people who just all variety of people that might be bad for you. And my guess is you might have some self-limiting beliefs about yourself and some insecurities about yourself that are stopping you from really expanding your dating pool, so to speak. It's not as small as you might be making it, right? But you are afraid of maybe getting rejected

by those guys, right? You're afraid of not being worthy for them. And so you avoid even putting yourself out there, pursuing people that you've already decided inside that you don't have a chance with. Yeah. So start shooting your shot with people that you might even think,

I don't know, they'll never like me. Because right now it's just like you're spending a lot of time rejecting a lot of shitty options. Uh-huh. And start getting rejected by some good options because we all get rejected. Yeah. You know, it's not a reflection of you.

Like it's just a matter of chemistry and finding someone. So I think you just you know and maybe there's some therapy that you know you could dive into and and peel back those layers you know and we don't have enough time to try to do that but my gut tells me there's something there because it's there's just there are good guys out there and you're yeah an attractive person with a good personality there there's plenty of good guys worthy of you who will like you but you do have to be willing to put yourself out there and be rejected by some of those guys for you to be able to find what you're looking for because you're not going to find it in the pond that you're fishing or the mall that you're whatever the analogy is. So that's, that's my guess of your situation.

And it might just take some time to just address your insecurities and face them head on. You know, therapy is a great option to do that and figure that out. And then really be honest with yourself about where you are looking for these guys. And are you really expanding your, your, your circle? Are you just trying to avoid guys that, and not, it's not a nice guy thing. It's just guys that you think I, they would never date me.

That's exactly right. Yeah. So try to, you know, challenges and you're going to, you're going to get rejected and that's okay. We've all been rejected. You know, a lot of times if you're, if people are really honest, I don't care who they are, what they look like or what their job is. If they're, if they're aiming high, they're going to get rejected and you should be aiming high when it comes to your love life. Okay. Well, that's, I mean, that was a nice thing that you said, cause a lot of people tell

me I'm too picky or my standards are too, you know, they're like, you're expecting too much. And I'm like, well, I obviously I've been single a long time. Of course I'm expecting too much because not too much. i'm just expecting a lot because i give a lot so i want something just to have the same hustle yeah i wonder if you're just playing it so too safe and then being picky with the very safe pool that you're shopping with it's like we you're going to the same you know mini mall over and over and be like i don't't like anything here. And you're like, yeah, we get it.

Yeah. These are the stores. I care. Take your pick or don't. Yeah. So, all right. Go to Beverly Hills and maybe you'll find a sale and be shocked that,

you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I don't shop. Oh,

I got you. All right. All right. All right. Well, best of luck. All right. All right. All right. Well, best of luck. All right. Take care.

Bye bye. How's it going? Hey, it's good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Janice. I'm 21.

Hi, Janice. How can I help? I'm a huge. I'm a huge fan, by the way. I've had multiple dreams where I'm stranded somewhere and you come and you give me advice. So this is really great. Very meta. Yeah. Well, let's see if I can actually be helpful. So I have been seeing someone for the past eight months. I'm 21. The guy is 28. When I started okay uh when i started seeing him i was 20 uh he's about to turn 29 so there's a bit of an issue there i'm not seeing him anymore um i had a lot of issues in the case that um

i just listened to your last week episode where you're talking about defining gas lighting and the instagram post you saw and how that was irritating you. That's something that I've been looking at a lot because I'm trying to define it. I feel like I was being gaslighted and emotionally manipulated for the past eight months. And it's something that is really staying with me. So me and this guy have a lot of mutual friends. I've not heard from them in the past three weeks. The older guy you're no longer seeing, you're trying to figure out if you were being gaslit. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what happened because I feel very terrible after the situation.

You feel terrible about it. I feel terrible about it. Okay. Why? I heard from him. Basically, there are just multiple situations in which he would talk down to me make me question my sanity um use our age difference as a way to discredit my experiences or my stories and this is just a repetitive thing he would do okay i mean

again like that that sounds very condescending not necessarily gas lighting but and i think it's very common with for people especially if there's an age like in your case right you were 20 20 you're 21 and when people are of that kind of age you know not always but sometimes like you're what you're when you're 20 you were what two years removed from high school right and i don't know your life or your experiences in high school or how quickly you matured, you know, whatever. But for the average person, you know, pretty typical life, lived at home, went to college or not college or whatever. And nowadays we kind of leave the nest later in life. You know, it's not like years ago you got kicked out.

You kind of fend for yourself. You grew up pretty fast. I think we're maturing in general a little slowly or whatever and so then you date someone who's you know he was like 28 27 years old that's not a huge age difference but like it's an age difference for sure and and this age difference he's you know as a young man you know i i didn't really feel like i matured until i was like 29 30 but i don't know him right but he's he's had some life experience and he's probably feeling pretty good about it right and he's he's made some mistakes yeah and he's made some mistakes himself yeah and so so here he is dating someone he likes and and half the time he probably might even have

been thinking oh hey babe i uh let me like no like you i mean you don't know this because like you know you have an experience like i have and i i think it's just very easy to be condescending and it's not an excuse i think we don't even realize we're condescending i think that's part of growing up i mean i've i've had to recognize how i can be condescending or how I've been condescending. And it was right around that age time where I was finally living some life experience and I was healing from my mistakes and my trauma. So I want, you know, and that's a challenge.

And again, if you're in a relationship with someone like that, like you were, that can get very discouraging and just being like exhausting. And again, it makes you feel like less than, and it makes you feel, and it's all just really condescending. You know? I wish it was justified because we weren't even in a relationship.

Okay, but okay. So, but how did you find yourself invested in a situation ship that you now say wasn't even a relationship because you were part of that decision yeah so where I'm at right now is that I have no contact with our mutual friends anymore okay um they have all like reassured him and been like you've done nothing wrong like you're good and my friends yeah they've reassured him i heard from him like a couple days ago um so they've all reassured him with my friends they're all like this guy is such a fucking dick like don't go back to him he gaslighted you he did this this is etc and i'm just like how can there be so completely like polar opposite sides to the spectrum yeah and i just don't because

they're your friends they got your back you know do you watch sex in the city like carrie's like they all have each other's back and they're all just toxic animals just i mean there's toxic people making bad decisions and and rightfully so they're having each other's back and they're all just toxic animals just an animal there's toxic people making bad decisions and and rightfully so they're having each other's backs because they're friends you know they're all like carrie big socks and blah blah blah blah and like i'm not defending big but carrie was a big part of that problem right but they're not you know and only miranda finally had the guts and you know, I could go on and on. But, yeah, they're your friends. They're supposed to have your back. You know?

You know, that's what friends are for. You know? I think I completely agree. I'm someone that's really big on accountability. Okay. So, and this is a man that, like, refuses to take accountability. He was like, I'm sorry. Like I hurt you.

Accountability for what? You're going to have to give me some specifics here because like. Yeah, I know. Being condescending in and of itself is not gaslighting. I don't know if he gaslit you or not, but I do know condescending is not by itself gaslighting. Okay. Let me give some context. Okay, so this guy is like 28,

about to turn 29. I'm currently a university student. He works at the company that owns my campus. Okay, so that's like interesting. We had to keep it down low we had kind of had a friends with benefits situation um I met him because I'm friends with a lot of the people that live at his apartment so I met him at a gathering um I was seeing someone at the time but it wasn't exclusive so like me and him like we're just drinking and then like we had a hookup etc didn't think about it and then I just felt weird about it because I didn't know him and I was like oh this is a guy who's much older than me maybe he is like this is a thing he does with younger women like etc um so then I was seeing someone else that ended after a month and then it kind of became a rebound thing for four months

so that kind of became the situation okay so four months. So that kind of became the situation. Okay, so this situation, there's something that happened in the first month that we were involved in January of this year. So we had both been drinking. He gets very angry drunk, and that's kind of triggering for me because of my past. And it really sucks.

It's really shitty. Anger drunk's the worst yeah i don't i choose not if i see angry drunk that's a non-negotiable for me you know yeah like that that's been a thing for me as well so he had gone to fight with his roommates and he's very ego heavy he's accomplished a lot etc so he and it didn't bother me at first because i'm like oh this is a guy that's accomplished a lot so it's not going to bother me but then it comes out more when he's angry drunk so he was angry drunk wait wait hold on pause for a second like his his accomplishments have in life you feel are a justification for him having an uncontrollable ego it might be

that's what i thought it might be an explanation but it's not a justification yeah that's that's i have this thing with like making excuses for people because i'm too open-minded okay and i realize that's not a thing now so he was very like and you drank he got in a fight with his flatmates like someone like threw a glass i was like i'm gonna leave so i left and then one of the flatmates called me back because like they needed like support and i'm friends with his flatmate so then i came back and sold the flatmate and then he was just there and i went like to stay with him for the night i don't know why i did that um because he was so angry, and we had like a

hookup. And next time I saw him, we're having like wine and talking. I still went back. I still went back. Next time I saw him, we're having wine, we're talking and it basically came out that like I was upset from that situation. And I was just trying to tell him I was uncomfortable. I've had similar experiences in the past. Like, I don't like being around you drunk. And he was like, well, I don't want to be with someone that isn't comfortable like being around me when I'm drunk. Like, I love getting drunk. So I don't want to be around someone that isn't down to be around me when I'm drunk.

I think it's a really weird boundary that he's trying to set. And it's a fairly toxic boundary he's trying to set. I wouldn't call that gaslighting but i would call it shitty and yeah a huge red flag for you to like leave the situation you know yeah there's one of many well sure but i guess so ultimately you seem to have a hard time accepting things and yeah you say like you said earlier like you you're big on accountability but you're big on accountability for other people and you're not holding yourself accountable for getting yourself or staying in situations where the red flags are so obvious like you're clearly an intelligent person you're introspective you uh you seem like you you have this desire to be self-aware and yet you are

openly you're like oh my god i went back like whatever like you know you're you know it you don't need me to tell you you shouldn't you know and you're not holding yourself accountable for those choices and yet you're so so bent out of shape of this guy what like saying he's was wrong or sorry or he didn't do it perfectly i mean he's literally telling you that he wants to date someone who's okay with his bullshit and he has the right to say that and that's crazy for anyone to like say yes to like an angry like i want to be angry and i want to be drunk and i want someone to love me for it like he can say that till he's blue in the face and good for him for putting it out there and and just being like this is who i am i'm an angry drunk who i want and who wants to be loved

that's actually honest and you were like okay maybe I don't know like you know what I'm saying like why did you even entertain it you're not holding yourself accountable for not listening to people's red flags they're just waving in your face that is true I I fully agree with that um I think for me as a person, it's really important for me to say my piece. And for that person, like to even like listen to it, like retain that information, then whatever happens after like, that's fine. Or that's what I'm telling myself. Yeah, I don't buy that last part. Yeah. I think you like to be heard and then you need a verification that you were heard. And that last part you often don't get and you have a hard time accepting that. Yeah, that's true. I would say that's a good read.

So where I'm at right now is basically i didn't talk to him for three weeks this entire thing like really spiraled um this has been going on from january up until now like me and him were talking all of summer um etc and basically what had happened was i realized that a good majority of our conversations were him telling me everything i'm doing wrong, that I need to fix about myself, that I get too hurt by the things he says, that he's just joking and I can't take jokes. So basically, I had a very close family friend pass away a couple weeks ago. Thanks. And I got very upset about it. So I called him and he talked me through it and then he decides to like bring up an argument with me and he was just like oh like and I was like oh let's talk about something else let's talk about like this double date we're going on and then you

he was like oh you said about like this like this is what I get so mad about and then I was like what and then he was like no we'll talk about it later because you're upset and i was just like well you already brought it up so we might as well talk about it he's like no you're upset like i like hate when you do this like we'll talk about it later and i was like no let's just talk about it now and then it goes on like two hours of us talking i'm like sobbing like uncontrollably and this man is just talking what's clear to me is that you guys shouldn't be dating sounds like he's a very immature guy who has some growing up to do and and you guys aren't compatible and i think also you maybe you have some self-reflection and holding yourself accountable for paying attention to the red flags people are showing you and and not be so stubborn i think you're a little stubborn like a little bit yeah and you

need to trust yourself like again and again you'll be fine like you at the risk i apologize for sounding condescending you are younger and it's okay to get a lot of this wrong i got all this wrong so many times over and over and over and over and over and over and over and that's part of like figuring it out. But you are smart. Like you're introspective. You're a young person thinking about these things. He is what, 29?

Hasn't thought about this stuff at all. Probably hasn't listened to one of my podcasts. You know what I'm saying? This is all like news to him. You know what I'm saying? Like, so you're years ahead of this guy, right? Yeah. But now that you are accumulating the tools of learning this stuff,

you got to use those tools. And those tools are saying no to the red flags. Like there's not getting what you are calling closure. That's not, you don't need closure. You need to be right. Yeah. Yeah. You need to be validated.

You don't need closure closure the closure is knowing this guy is not your guy and anytime you hang out with him it is going to turn into a fight it's going to turn into a disagreement your feelings might get hurt you might hurt his feelings either way it's generally going to be toxic and messy and it is not just all his fault you know it's a big part of his fault no i know it's my fault as well because like that example you gave you were upset someone passed away he said something stupid then he was like i don't know you're right sorry and then you're like and then you insisted you could be like yeah and you could have just left that bin and frustrated with him

for not being sensitive and not being empathetic that you lost like you had you had all the cards like he was unempathetic he was selfish and self-centered about bringing something up that he had no place of bringing up instead of just being like that was real dickish another reason why i shouldn't invest in this guy you chose to have a two-hour fight with him yeah i i completely agree with that i just think coming from him it came off a bit harsh because he was not like i did this wrong he was just like this is everything you did wrong this is how you should fix it he sucks especially for you i'm not defending him i don't i'm not talking to him i don't have him here he's not on the phone this don't, I'm not talking to him. I don't have him here. He's not on the phone. This isn't couples therapy. I'm just talking to you and I'm just trying to be like,

you're wasting a lot of energy trying to fix a problem that you shouldn't even waste your time on. And you're trying to invest in someone you're by your own admission, aren't even in a relationship with. Yeah. And this is a ton of energy that you're investing in someone not worthy of your time and energy and it's not even your boyfriend but a lot of lessons can be learned and you can grow from this and and and you can get better at holding yourself accountable and so when you meet

another guy and you can communicate better or learn to like walk away much faster before you get emotionally invested because the problem is that i'm being hard on you but like the problem is is like you are emotionally invested this guy you might not be your boyfriend but you're invested that you you're like you've been hanging out with him long enough and you're and so you just don't know how to cut your losses yeah and you need to learn how to do that yeah yeah i'm like way too emotionally invested with like everyone in my life um but the part of this you like being right yeah i i think i've gotten a huge ego based off of his huge ego no no no you can't blame him for your ego no no that's some shit he would do to you that sounds like him the way you're describing it

be like you know what it's your fault i have an ego like what the fuck is that that's true um but yeah so i haven't talked to him for like three weeks um i get a call from him a couple of days ago and he's basically like oh oh, like, okay, because our mutual friend, I reached out to our mutual friend and I reached out to her and I was like, why haven't I heard from you? And she was just like, oh, like, from what like I heard, I heard that you said he gaslighted you and emotionally manipulated you. And those are very strong terms. And I think you're lying. And I don't if you're telling the truth, I don't want to be around someone that can use those terms lightly. And I was like, I'm not using truth, I don't want to be around someone that can use those terms lightly.

And I was like, I'm not using them lightly. There are a lot of situations that have added up, etc. So I got a call from him a couple of minutes after that phone call. I don't have his number saved. So I thought it was like my coffee picked it up. It was him. I was like, great. And he was just like, hey, I just got done with a conversation with our mutual friend. And I'm confused. Like I thought got done with a conversation with our mutual friend and I'm confused like I thought this was just a misunderstanding and his basic thing was um he went on for another two hours and I I let him that was just my fault um but his basic saying was like oh like if you just talk to me about what bothered you i would fix it and adjust it so you can't like associate these accusatory terms but i was literally reading the definition

of these terms and being like you have done this this is what you have yeah was it a post on instagram that said if you know what i'm saying like we gave the example of the episode you referenced last week where it's just like coughing doesn't mean you have covid you know yeah and questioning you and saying well i didn't say that doesn't mean he's you know like it could be you guys clearly are not listening to either each other you're not communicating like and no and and i'm i'm not defending like you haven't given me one example where i'm like that's clearly glass sliding and maybe he has and clearly i haven't been a part of every conversation what it sounds like is him waving a bunch of red flags and i'm sure he's been manipulative i'm sure you have too i mean again being manipulative can be as simple.

We all got bent out of shape about like, and it's sometimes playful. You're dating someone. We've all been in a situation like this. Like, babe, can you like, can you make me toast? And you're like, I don't know. I just don't feel like doing it. But like you make it so good. Like, I love how you make toast. That's manipulative. You know, you're trying to get your partner to make you fucking toast and you're being lazy and you want them to make you toast i i like need to know if i'm doing something wrong if it was wrong for me to use those terms like when is it right to use those terms because it feels like we're in like this society that everyone's trying to label everything and you're right i i don't specific situation we were all doing a decent job of standing up for ourself before we ever watched the play gaslighting you know what i'm saying like and you could just say that wasn't cool or

i didn't like that you said that and i feel like you're manipulating me and and we didn't need to like call it gaslighting and again like i'm not an expert in gaslighting you know what i'm saying i'm not a therapist and you know when we had Seligman come explain it to me and she, like, again, referenced the play, we learned that it's not even the diagnosis manual. You don't go to therapy and they're not diagnosing you as a gaslighter. You know what I'm saying? And so we're so, like, I just don't know why you're so. What's clear and what should be comforting to you is that he is toxic and you shouldn't be investing any more time in him.

And that's such a great answer to find. And do you need it? Like what? And did you like, I don't know, whatever. And you could say like, listen, whatever. Maybe you weren't. I don't know. I'm not an expert in gaslighting.

Either way, I don't like how you made me feel about myself. I't like how I felt around you I didn't you know feel like I was by myself and either way I just think it's best we don't talk anymore I wish you the best of luck I hope you're a great partner to the people you date in the future I'm gonna work on myself you know like why can't you just say something like that i feel like okay so if i did like do something wrong by telling him like he gaslighted me and emotionally manipulated me and he basically said what you're sure i'm sure he emotionally manipulated you at some point i'm sure so do i have to take accountability for the fact that i was wrong to use those terms like do i have to do that I do you I don't know what do you think I just don't again I'm not like I wasn't there you know what I'm saying and I I I don't know it just seems like

wait he said all those things what do you mean like he said all those things like we're not right for each other he was he was just like oh like rather than using these terms you could have easily told me like this is what upset you and i would have worked on it and i told him that he didn't create an environment for me to be able to to feel comfortable for me to do that that's a great that's that's great to say that that was awesome that you said that yeah and again what you two i mean maybe he's stubborn too we've established that you're stubborn i haven't talked to him but like what you what you guys haven't agreed on is that it's just you should just stop trying to make this

work you know you don't see eye to eye you guys don't have you can agree to disagree you can just be like listen i don't know what if i it i get his point and what i think you're trying to say that he said is that and like i said on the last episode i don't like again this is not like a in the diagnosis manual type of thing it is literally a like a a term that we're like a society has adapted as a way to kind of describe a feeling or a very specific and in the play it was a very specific thing of this guy trying to very kind of systematically had a plan he had a goal in mind he was trying to get something from her i'm not an expert in gaslighting. It's not in the diagnosis manual.

It's something that our society has adopted from a play. And my problem with it, as I mentioned last week, and kind of his point is we have attached it as a form of abuse. We are loosely adopting various phrases and terms and examples of what could be gaslighting. And then we are diagnosing people as friends or as partners and it has a very serious meaning behind it like people hear the word gaslighting and they think abuser and i don't know if this guy he sounds immature manipulative shitty condescending and

he has a lot of growing up to do and i'm not excusing any of that but like i i don't know why i don't know you don't need to know he was gaslighting and whether you said he was or told someone else i think you should just stop talking to the guy he's bringing out the worst in you yeah and like and back to my original point you have to hold yourself accountable to like your desire to be right and be heard and again you're like it sounds like you're also like empathetic here you don't you you like you're like i well i don't want to label him i get that but i don't think you guys have to agree on this you said he was like you're not the first one who said someone was gaslighting you i don't i don't think you committed a crime here like that's the problem

we're all doing this they They're making me feel like, like I haven't heard from any of our mutual friends. I've kind of been iced out. So you're saying because you accuse him as a gaslighter, his friends are taking this accusation very serious. And now you're being labeled as a, like a boy who cried wolf

yeah yeah like that like falsely accusing someone of abuse yeah well that's the problem with that's the problem with this gaslighting thing that's going on is that we all want like

I think you should you should have ended it a long time ago and he did a lot of things wrong it sounds like and and you just kept ignoring this red flag and he just kept talking to him and you kept and the way you're describing it sounds like a really immature guy who's even sounds like he's trying to get it right maybe really bad about it and that's not excuse me i would if he called in i would be like maybe you should get some therapy and get some mentors and talk to some people who aren't going about this and again like you have a right to want to be loved for being an angry drunk but i wouldn't expect anyone a lot of people to be pretty excited about that you know um yeah but you're describing

two people who are really bad at listening to one another who both want to be right who both have egos who are both stubborn and you know i'm getting your story and if he called it i'm sure i get another story and you guys both shouldn't be hanging out with each other yeah so that's what my friends say too i haven't reached out to him or anything but yes it does like play on my mind a lot like he was the one that reached out to me after three weeks and that was like because he wanted clarity etc um so i'm basically iced out of that friend group um he has left the door open for me to talk to him if i need to i have not opened this friend group that you're ice out of it are they your friends

so they were like so i became i got to know him through his friends. I was friends with his friends first. And they're all in a much older age group. But they're not your core group of friends. No. Okay. I don't think you need to be talking to them. I just think you're for your best interest. You should not be talking to them.

And these friends and like, yeah, tough lesson. And again, who knows? I don't know if he did or didn't. It doesn't sound like, well, whatever. I'm sure a lot of people listening might disagree, but it seems unclear, but it seems very clear that yes, there was a lot of toxicity, a lot of manipulation. He didn't make you feel like you're your best self, and you should remove yourself from that situation. And now maybe the lesson you can learn is like, maybe you don't need it. Maybe the word gaslighting doesn't even need to be in your vocabulary because you can defend

yourself and set your own boundaries and stand up for yourself and know when you're being manipulated and walk away from toxic situations and pay attention to the red flags are waving your face without ever bringing up that word at the risk of someone accusing you of laboring someone as abuser you know i'm saying like you can still set all the boundaries so that you're respected and no one to walk away from toxic situations before ever like saying gaslighter yeah you know that makes a lot of sense okay so yeah no because yeah that that's great that's great advice i'll take that and just leave the situation i think you definitely should leave the situation and just you know if if i don't think you should talk to him at all that's what i think i think if i even suggest anything you'll run with it uh i think think you should talk to him at all that's what i think i think if i even suggest anything you'll run with it uh i think you should not talk to him okay yeah i'll go with that and

these friends you've been isolated of i don't think you got friends you don't need them they were going to fade out to the darkness anyways yeah that's what my therapist says too so i think that's probably right all right well thank you for calling again can't thank all our cause enough thanks for listening always appreciate you tuning in don't forget to send those questions at ask nick at castb.com cast with a k for ask nick episodes tune in tomorrow for a bachelor in paradise finale recap and emily didDonato on Wednesday.