The Viall Files - E329 Ask Nick - Simplify Your Moments

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

It's Monday and that means another edition of Ask Nick! Today we first speak with someone who was sleeping with her half-sister's not-blood cousin, and while it's now over, his side of the family knows and she's wondering if she should tell her sister. Our next caller's boyfriend has recently rekindled a friendship with another girl despite our caller's discomfort with it. Now she is trying to untangle whether it's her insecurities or if he really is fighting more for a friend than he is for their relationship. We then speak with someone who had split from her baby daddy and now after some time he wants to try again. She's not sure if he's changed but would like to try to have that family unit for their daughter and thinks maybe getting engaged is the answer. Finally, we speak with someone who is new to dating and acknowledges that her neurosis got the best of her on a date. He has since told her he doesn't feel chemistry and she would like to call the guy and tell him that she agrees and why.   “Do you even like this guy, or do you just want to be liked?”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Brooklinen: http://ww.Brooklinen.com and use promo code VIALL to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Theragun: http://www.Therabody.com/VIALL to get your Gen 4 Theragun TODAY Nuts.com: text FILES to 64-000 to get free shipping on your first order from http://www.Nuts.com Ritual: Visit http://www.ritual.com/VIALL for 10% off during your first 3 months Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to a new and exciting episode of Ask Nick. And I say new, I mean all our callers are new because i know last week some of you got a repeat caller i'm sorry about that the person responsible uh has been dealt with it's uh yeah they're in prison the federal prison not state federal yeah no they are sorry yeah they will never do it again i'm just anyway whatever um so uh we have a great episode again for you and i'm joined by amanda today ali is uh still she hasn't stopped making tiktoks in this last time she's been on her computer the whole time and i'm starting to take your advice nick what i is it painful no it's easy well it i think it's a good situation right now so I think when you're

in a good situation it's a lot easier to like build on that and grow versus like in a bad situation it's a lot harder to be like oh how do I get my shit together and fix it it's this broken leg guy still yeah broken leg guy great uh he yeah it was we've been on three days but we did an awesome little like temperature check after three dates, even though it's very much a situation where it's super early. Nothing close to exclusivity, but just had a very mature conversation about where we were at, if we were hooking up with other people, what we're open to. Not necessarily deciding what this should be, but just being kind of honest about from our perspective of where we're at now, what it could be. You just checked in. Yeah. And like, I was like, did you, did you prompt that conversation?

So I, I feel like I'm just very honest with him in a way that it just feels natural. Like I'm not necessarily trying to disclose a lot of information, but we have these awesome conversations where stuff just comes up. And so it was through just like a very candid conversation about past hookups and a more general conversation about what kind of online dating culture how about how most people tend to have a primary person that they're hooking up with but if they're not exclusive they're still very open to going on other dates and how that is sort of the norm and so from there it sort of snowballed into like okay well where are we at with this and sort of where we left it was like right now we're both the most kind of like significant person in each other's like situations and that doesn't mean we can't like go on other

dates but like kind of like we're each more of like those more central focus and like what i said was i was like if that changes it's no big. It doesn't mean we can't hook up anymore, but just give me a heads up. Great. And he was receptive. He was very receptive to that. And you felt like more in control afterwards, I'm guessing? Yeah, it just felt good to be honest. Like he was like, are you hooking up with other people?

And I was like, no, there are some people I could shoot a text to if I wanted to, but not like it just felt like very nice not having to be like shady about stuff. Or it sometimes it feels like you have to sort of disclose, like not disclose certain things in online datings to like maintain your power. And it felt cool feeling like I didn't lose power by being upfront about where I was at. Yeah. When do you think will be the next check-in? I don't know. I guess we'll see how things go i said we'll see we'll see what happens when he when his leg becomes unbroken you know because up until this point it's been a lot

of like i think partially because his leg is broken it's just been most of our dates are just us like having a conversation like sitting across from each other at a table and talking for a few hours yeah i mean uh i love i love that you did that so so often we don't and you like have you're more power than less more power more power from nick good good to hear i don't know i did that but i'm glad is he on the mend how's the leg it was it was bad it got infected and he told the doctor that it looks infected and the doctor was like no it's fine it's fine so now in addition to his leg being broken he has like a pick line or he has to administer drugs to it's a whole shebang it's like really a whole shebang yikes well at least he's it's cool like

meeting someone in this phase like when they're at such a specific version of themselves you know like i feel like i'm getting a very honest look at him because he's dealing with a lot of adversity in this area yeah but you know be open to like learning the those other parts when he heals maybe he's a huge player who's just sidelined who knows i don't know if he's a player but he might be a fuck boy who's to say who's to say but uh yeah what's interesting about that is that you guys decided to trust without having a reason to trust which is totally fine but you've you've asked for trust with each other which is more than people do in that situation at that point yeah right because you've agreed to like be up front and let each other know and there's some trust that is

required totally on both of you and you're just going to assume that you should be able to trust them yeah and now you're about to find out if you can now you're making me nervous and i told him that i because i'm trying to also like go on dates with women right now because that's important to me is like sometimes i tend to prioritize dating men because it's easier well the best way to go about doing this is you should go on a date with a woman or a guy or whoever you want to and then you should tell them about it yeah although we did leave it at like you don't have to tell me every time you go on a date you just need to tell me if there's like someone who's like more significant than me so like i don't have to tell me every time you go on a date you just need to tell me if there's like someone who's like more significant than me so like i don't need to hear about every first date he goes on but if he starts hooking up with someone else consistently like that's the kind

of thing or just like like a heads up yeah all i'm saying is find the time to offer some honesty to him and see if he reciprocates yeah you're making me nervous nick i who knows we don't know but like a lot of people say oh yeah i'll totally fucking tell you and then then it gets to the point where they have to say something and they're still afraid of what the other person might say uh i just he's he said that like he's discussed like being kind of anxious before like in a casual way and he's like a normal person in therapy but that makes me me feel like, I don't know. I think sometimes when people, especially when men are like, I'm anxious, sometimes I think I give them too much credit for being good people. Because I think about how my anxiety tends to make me more conscious of how other people would think or feel.

And so I assume that it does the same for other people. So maybe. Yeah. Who knows? Well, that's the thing. like these are ongoing conversations like you had a conversation and the way this is going to continue to work is continue to have versions of this conversation by checking in yeah and i just think the reason like you don't know that like i'm saying you guys chose to trust right you have no reason to trust and i would rather as you got we've talked i'd rather be that person chooses to trust and then i'll find out if i'm right or not you know and at the risk of being disappointed, it's just like, all right, well, that was on you. But a great light I have found to see if people can like back it up is to

offer them some honesty on my part and say, this is, this is what the thing we talked about doing. I'm about to do. And I, yeah, I went off someone and I just want to like something that we people tend to avoid talking about or admitting. And I'll throw that out there. A, see how they handle it and B, let them know that I mean what I say. I'm going to, we're going to have some of these maybe slightly uncomfortable conversations, but we're going to be adult about it and we're going to have them. Totally. You know?

Cause yeah, I feel like because online dating is kind of inherently geared towards a lot of miscommunication or like because there's so little that you do kind of owe the other person until you've had the big exclusivity shot. So it'll be interesting to see what it's like confronting the messiness

with openness as opposed to like the way we usually just kind of like sweep stuff under the rug or be like, oh, I don't owe them this so I'm not going to give it to them. Yeah, like natalie and i were like hooking up and not dating you know like we talked we had similar conversations and then i'd be like by the way or she would ask me

like yep like i didn't tiptoe around it and then she would reciprocate with her honesty you think that made you guys feel like you could trust each other more? Oh, my God. Yeah. It was such a fun thing to be like, here we are, not even dating. And we're just talking about these things that normally we've avoided or didn't say because we were afraid of the other person getting mad. And there was an awkwardness and sometimes an irritation.

And it was fun to say, well, I find that irritating. I'm annoyed. I know that's mostly on me, on my choices. But what I do know is I'm like that we're being able to talk about this. Like this is really fun to be so honest. And like it's refreshing. It's liberating. Yeah.

And while I'm simultaneously annoyed that you had fun with someone else like okay I still know that you like like me and we we our choices have led to this happening and we're kind of in control and yeah it's it's very liberating and one thing I said to him was I was like I in the past have stopped getting to know people when I like them like that's really important for me like because I do think I'm open to a relationship now but I want to make sure that I do a really careful job of getting to know people because breakups suck. So I don't just want to end up in a relationship by accident. And I feel like when you are this honest, it feels like a more efficient way to get to know people. Yeah. Most people go, they date a couple dates, they go, I like this person. And then between the time where they decide they like the person

and when their boyfriend and girlfriend, they actually share even little about themselves or find out or try to find out even less for a fear of like not being able to get the person they've decided they like to date them. The version that exists only in their brain. Yes. Totally. What a terrible idea. Well, good to know. Thanks for sharing your story. We have a great episode for you.

As always, we are taking tomorrow off. No bachelor. Enjoy the week off, people. Enjoy it. Because we are back next week with Michelle's season of The Bachelorette. On Wednesday, we finally got Ivan. Ivan in studio to tell all the tea that he's been talking all about. So you won't want to miss that.

Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Going good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Rachel. I'm 24. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Rachel. I'm 24. How can I help, Rachel? So I'm in a little bit of a situationship. It's kind of already ended, I'd guess. Okay. Yeah. So long story short, I've been fucking my half-sister's not-blood cousin.

You're having sex with your half-sister's cousin through marriage? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Wild? Wild. Okay. How'd that come to be?

So a little background. It happened like two years ago. He was, so my sister and I, we didn't really grow up with each other. So there's a bit of an age gap between us. And she grew up with her mom and I grew up with my parents. So a few years ago, about like five years ago, we reconnected and started to like build a relationship. And with that came like invites to family events yeah

family events um so i met her side of the family that i had never met before um and they followed me on social media and i started getting um like dms late night dms and likes um on my social media and i mentioned it to my sister but she played it off as he's a nice guy you're my sister he's just being nice and trying to like get to know you so this is her first cousin but he's's the cousin of the parent that she's not at all blood related to. Yeah, it's her mom's side of the family. Her stepmom. Yeah, it's her mom, not any relation to me. We share a dad.

Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. relation to me we share a dad gotcha yeah yeah yeah okay all right yeah so and his mom was actually adopted to just one extra step to make sure yeah we're not we're not crossing dna uh yeah which yeah it doesn't really matter at that point it's already shitty it's already what it's already shitty at that point well it's taboo i don't know if it's shitty i mean it's it's god like 80 years ago people just literally married their cousins yeah you know so anywho so you guys started having sex yeah about like two years ago um

he was home and we started having sex and it just kind of turned into like a hookup thing if he was home and i was home because we both lived like out of state um and it was definitely the secret part of it that was um the driving the driving force i'd say um and then about like this year he started to like want to make it into something more he was trying to find the relationship yeah he wanted to go public yeah and he went as far as like telling his parents and um his like other aunt and uncle but and his brother and everyone besides my sister okay and so um eventually like he came back um because he's also in the service so um he was deployed at one point and then came home and um i decided to like go down there and like see where

he lived because that would be a that would play a factor if we were to continue this uh-huh um what was the feedback from his family his family like was super supportive and i guess you could say i'm like a golden child so they were like super happy that he had like found someone i mean yeah i mean in reality like it's makes for a fun joke and like uh water cooler talk but like it is what it is it's a really weird way to meet and it's fun story to tell, but like you're not really doing anything wrong when it kind of like it feels a little shady, but it's not really, you know,

it's, you're not related. Yeah. And I just met him two years ago. Okay. So it's not like I, it's not like I've like known him my whole life. Either way.

It doesn't matter. Yeah. You're not related. Yeah. It's that like I've known him my whole life. Either way, it doesn't matter. Yeah. You're not related. Yeah. It's that simple. Well, we've all been in this together. That's right. And you deserve comfort.

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So newnuts.com customers get free shipping on your first order When you text F-I-L-E-S to 64000 That's right text Files F-I-L-E-S to 64000 To get free shipping on your first order from nuts.com That's Files to 64000 Terms that apply available at nuts.com slash terms so i went down there um i went down there twice actually and right so right now we're like not speaking he hasn't reached out to me and hasn't had like any form of contact with me um i went down there

twice i had planned a trip because he was home and we like were hanging out with his family and like doing all the like couple-y things and the like final step was for me to like go down there and see everything and so um one drunken night he texted me and asked he like kind of like dared me that i wouldn't go see him um essentially he wanted he like wanted me to go down there and said how much do you miss me and he was like you wouldn't come tomorrow if you could and with my work like I can do that so I did and I was like I'm holding you to your words and like showing you through my actions that like I mean like I'm if you mean what you say like I'm gonna hold you to it so I think that surprised him and after I did that and came back he was like a little cold and like reserved more and like stopped he would leave me on red

and stop texting me um like regularly and so I texted him and like to check in because a week later I was going down for two weeks and um he like said it was all like work related and that he like just switched positions so he needed like some space he needed space because he got a new yeah yeah so like he like didn't have time to like communicate and i was like all right well i'm coming down like should i still come and he said yes and so i went and while I was there, things were like perfectly fine. The only thing like I kept trying to have the conversation of when we should tell my sister, because in order to move forward with it, I wanted to tell my sister. And I was ready to tell my sister in like July. You're obviously closing your sister. This has been going on for a while. So let's assume, I don't know what happens,

but let's say he's like, you know what? Nah, nah, cold feet. I'm just kidding. Doesn't want to. And so the relationship ends, right? I mean, I think you started off by saying it's kind of over. At this point, don't you need to tell your sister anyways that this happened? So that's my question.

Do I tell my sister, like, anyway? Because, like, everyone in his family knows. Yeah, you do. So eventually, like, I feel like it's going to come out. Yeah. Yeah. And listen, she's gonna be mad uh i don't know her i don't know how she handles disappointment and stress but this is like not

a fireable offense so to speak you know you did something wrong you need to acknowledge what you did wrong uh and you can still say why you did the way and and, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's, it sounds like it's just going to be some version of like, it just kind of happened. And then I got really self-conscious. I didn't know what to say. That's not an excuse. If I could go back and do it again, I would have told you right away because our relationship is really important to me. And then I got really nervous and I thought to myself, well, I don't really know how he's going to like, if this is going to be a thing. And then he started flaking on me and i got like i thought to myself i shouldn't have told you and i'm here to say i should have told you from the very beginning and i'm sorry and i wish i did but like i'm telling

you now and i hope you can forgive me and you know like she'll be mad and whatever and she should be able to get over it based off of of that information okay right i don't know yeah yeah i mean and then like my other also also one note is that you also don't have to fucking tell her like she is your sister she's like i don't tell my fucking sister everything it seems like it's a priority for you to like have this relationship so you know what i'm saying like even if you didn't want to tell her you don't have to tell her but it sounds like your priority your priority is to like have this relationship based off of that you know she's going to find out and she's going to be hurt and you don't want her to feel hurt so that's why you should tell her before she finds out with someone

else but you don't have to tell her shit you know like yeah you, so yeah, I mean, there's, there's a lot that I do tell her. So part of me is like, it just depends on what you're, it all comes down to what this relationship, what you want your relationship with your sister to be. How close do you want to be? How much of a confidant do you want her to be? How many, like some, some friendships and, and, and sisters and brothers, like there's no boundaries

we're like we touch other everything there's an expectation of that sometimes it's like i don't know you're my sister i like you sometimes i'll tell you things sometimes i won't deal with it you know so you you're in the driver's seat it just comes down to she should find out from you before anyone else if that matters to you if you know that will hurt her feelings and you don't want her to feel hurt yeah it for sure will so i feel like that's my only my only choice yeah also like why everyone knows like just get it over with and tell her yeah and now with like the zero communication i it's been two weeks since i was with him and yeah i feel like this he had like one shot here and you don't get to drag your feet with your cousin even though he's not your cousin you know like if you're gonna go for the cousin you know you gotta like you really gotta go when

you're like blending fam like and when there's like this weird uh overlap and i'm all jokes aside and we know like you're not related to him but like he's still like it's a unique situation he doesn't get to like fuck boy his cousin he doesn't get to ghost his cousin like you know no i'm gonna be there at like family events yeah so i think you need to draw some very clear boundaries and not let him, you know, be anything but very, very direct and very clear with his intentions. Yeah. So do I, do I communicate with him now and be like, I thought it's over.

I'm done. Yeah. I mean, it is. Or do I just leave it? I would just leave it. And if he all of a sudden just reaches out out of nowhere, you can take his call and be like,

hey, listen, I haven't really reached out and followed up because like, I don't, you know, let's just. Yeah. It happened at a good time. I don't, I do not want to have a situationship with you. Like that's, there's a lot of other situationships I can have, not with people like that's not, not, no. Yeah.

It's that simple. Okay. Yeah. Cause when I, I did ask him like if he ever wanted to tell my sister and he was like, he thinks at this point. Yeah. Yeah. But the answer that I got was like, not yet.

He doesn't get to decide. Not his call. Yeah. You know. It can be a request of his, but you don't have, you're in no obligation to comply. And right now your relationship with your sister is infinitely more important than your relationship agreed all right okay well problem solved clarity all right all right well best of luck all right all right take care yeah all right bye ritual you know them you'll love them the

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Hi, Liv. How can I help? So to start with a bit of a backstory, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. And before, whenever we were dating in the beginning, before we were official, he had this girl best friend that he had a bit of a history with. They did date, but back in high school, even though we did get together only a year out of high school. But it was just for a short period of time for about like a month. And whenever we first started dating, we were young. I was, I will say this was a bit toxic of me, i basically told him hey if you want to continue if you want to make this official i'm not comfortable

with this girl being in the picture being like a part of either of our lives why why do you think that was toxic just because i really didn't give him any room to, I didn't give him any benefit of the doubt, basically. I kind of was just like, okay, it's going to be this way or we're not continuing. Okay, I think you're being a little hard on yourself. Okay, well, I'm happy to say that. You were setting a boundary.

Every boundary we set, we don't need to necessarily have to justify. I think it's nice that you're recognizing that maybe, you know, it could have been something you could get over. It's always nice to trust your partner, but it can be stressful to still want to choose to trust your partner, but not necessarily trust people who are in their circle. Right. And that, as you, I'm assuming, know, can get very stressful and something you have to get anxiety about all the time. And you can be in your head about like, I trust him, but like she's always fucking flirting with him or what happens if he gets drunk, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So yeah, I mean, I understand that it's good to sit down and talk and communicate and say, this person gives me anxiety and you guys have a past and I want to trust you, but I'm having a hard time. Like, I think you're being a little hard on

yourself by immediately saying that was toxic behavior. I mean, of all the toxic things young couples do to each other and they do, I don't know if I would, that alone, just simply setting a rigid boundary would be toxic. But anyways, I digress. Please continue. Well, that kind of brings me to my question for you is basically that happened. He cut her out of his life. Flash forward to a couple months ago, back in July. Okay. So you set the boundary. He complied. Great. Okay. All right. Which I was very happy about. And we were happy, no issues. He never brought up anything about that being an issue in our relationship or anything like that. And then a couple months ago in July, he came to me and he said, Hey, I'm, I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear this,

but I miss her. I want her back in my life as a friend. I know you weren't comfortable with this in the beginning, but I feel like we've been together long enough that I've shown you that you can trust me. And basically we went back and forth for about a month. And then finally I kind of gave up on the fight really. And I set my boundaries as best as I could with him and they're, they're friends now. They, um, and it does make me very uncomfortable. I have had a couple conversations with him about it, but he instantly just shuts me down. He's like saying like, I'm already respecting your boundaries. I'm already like doing things that you don't want me to do. I don't know what else you want me to do besides not be her friend again. And like, he's basically saying that that's not an option, like that he wants to be her friend or, and if I'm not okay

with that, then we will break up. So yeah, tough call. Yeah. Yeah. Basically my question is I wanted Tough call. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, my question is, I wanted your opinion on if I am being like, I do have trust issues. I know that I've trust issues that I need to work through, but I don't know if I'm being, I guess, crazy in a sense where. You're not being crazy. See, cause that he's making me feel like I am for not wanting them to be friends because I'm uncomfortable and she's giving me such bad like I can just you know whenever a girl can tell that someone likes their boyfriend I get that from her sure I you know I'm not a woman so I

can't necessarily relate but sure I can understand that people can get those vibes and certainly women have wonderful intuition. They're not always right, but I get it. I get what you're saying. Now, you say he makes me feel this way. This could simply be like you guys are not necessarily, it could be two people not doing a good job of empathizing with one another. It could people not doing a good job of empathizing with

one another. It could be that like, he's not empathizing with you. He may very well believe everything he's saying with conviction. He might be like, I, I, I will not. She is my friend. I will not cheat on you. You have nothing to worry about as a guy who has been in relationships. And even like in my current relationship, I'll have conversations where, you know, like every, every relationship there's moments of like, you know, jealousy or annoyance with, you know, the opposite sex or people who interact with, uh, you know, your boyfriend or girlfriend on a day-to-day basis. And there are times where I'll just be like, I get it. But like that energy,

I just want you to know is beneath you because like, I'm not remotely like, I'm just you can trust me on this right now. That's a little bit different than your situation. I'm just talking about like some random person coming up and like flirting with me, like in front of my girlfriend, Natalie. And she's just like, like i'm like i get that it's annoying but like i got you babe kind of thing this is a little bit different but my point is he can be believing what he's saying so he could be frustrated being like i'm not gonna do shit so like why can't you just trust me and you could just be like i'm just tired of worrying about her why don't you see what i see right that's the issue that's what i try to tell him i'm like it's not that i don't

trust you it's that she's given me so many reasons to believe that she doesn't see this as a friendship and that she's just being on the sidelines of whenever we fight or God forbid, break up. She's just going to be waiting there for him. Well, that's, that unfortunately is not something you should put in the equation. Like being, if you decide that this is a relationship, if you decide that this relationship isn't healthy or right for you,

you shouldn't hang on because you know that she's going to pounce as soon as you're gone. Like, and I could see that being like a thing that she's going to pounce as soon as you're gone. Like, and I could see that being like a thing that we do, right. To be like, you just, you fucking know it's here. Just like you, you're like, you're more, you're playing, you're playing defense in your own relationship. It's, it's kind of weird. But a couple episodes ago, we, I was talking to a woman and I pointed out that her boyfriend doesn't necessarily want to be her boyfriend. He just wants to have a girlfriend.

And I'm not saying this is exactly the situation. But what this does sound like, it's a priority problem. And no one necessarily is doing anything wrong. You are two young people who early in your dating lives. Whether you guys are young and early in your dating situation. And so it does make sense that you guys have other priorities other than each other. In fact, it's healthy. It would be unhealthy if you guys were so hyper focused on one another that you weren't

experiencing the world and experiencing people and friendships and work and school, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And your boyfriend has decided that he wants to make this friendship a priority. And that's a boundary he set. You don't have to accept it. And maybe you just realize, and it would make sense that you come to the conclusion that whether it's her or it's me or his, his priorities aren't aligning with my priorities. I don't want to feel crazy or jealous just because I have I'm uncomfortable with this girl. And you're not crazy because she makes you feel uncomfortable. And it sucks to be in a relationship with a guy who has a past with a girl who wants, he wants to make her a part. He's literally telling you, he wants to make her

a priority. Maybe not as much of a priority as you, but he certainly is standing up for that friendship and that relationship. And you're seeing it as someone who's like, wait, you're supposed to be my partner, person like as far as your relationships go friendships or otherwise i at least want to be that i want to be the number one priority you know uh as far as your relationships go and i'm like you're fighting more for that friendship than you're fighting for us i've said that to him those exact words yeah but it is what it is at this point so i think you're at a point where you just have to decide what you're going to do about it. Because as you know, part of the reason why

you feel crazy is you're still trying to get him to see your side. Right. And he may never see your side and it doesn't make him wrong or bad for not seeing your side or not being able to empathize with you. It might be a signal that you two are just not in the place you need to be to be in a healthy relationship. And it can turn toxic. You know, I don't think that initial boundary that you set was toxic, but just kind of trying to force this issue and fighting about it constantly over and over and over, even though you've both kind of agreed to disagree about where your priorities lie when it comes to friendships and relationships, etc., etc., etc. Yeah. See, because I agree with everything you said.

you even said this in your podcast like a couple episodes ago um to some girl that she was going over to a friend's house that her partner was uncomfortable with and you said something along the lines oh well if your partner's uncomfortable with something like they should be doing whatever they can to make their partner feel comfortable. And that's kind of how I feel in this situation. I know that's where boundaries come in, but. Yeah. The tough part about this is it's not a black and white thing. You know what I'm saying? It's not an absolute. Yes. If you're going to be in a relationship, a committed one, right? At the end of the day, you have to give a shit and prioritize the things that bother your partner. You have to want for the absolute most part to go out of your way to not do the things

that make them feel uncomfortable. Now there is a line there because like if that person is so insecure and so in their own bullshit, right? Then you are going to be walking on eggshells, trying not to fuck up all the time because they're so insecure about maybe their past. If they bring a lot of baggage into a relationship, they were cheated on or whatever, and you're just like generally like good and trustworthy and like, and you might have a couple friends that have the opposite sex and they're just like, like having nothing with it, then you just have to find where, you have to figure out where your line is, right? It's easy.

You know, it's interesting enough. Like everything I say every week on these podcasts, it's very easy to listen to something and manipulate it into how you want to hear it and how you want to interpret it and things like that. And everyone's situation is a little bit different. You know, you can take parts from it. But I think the biggest takeaway is one, you're not crazy. You're not wrong. I don't, I'm not seeing any real toxic behavior. I think you're

being too hard on yourself. You clearly like and care about him. You, if all, if all things being equal, you want to still be with him, but now you're recognizing that your priorities might not be lining up. he is not making you feel the way you want to feel in a relationship and despite your feelings for him you might have to choose to end it i literally just posted a tiktok this morning that i you know some girl asked a question on tiktok and i was talking about how like the hard part about breaking up with someone is that your feelings for that person often aren't matching your actions like sometimes you just fall out of love and you break up with some but many times especially in a situation like

you're in it's about like finally enforcing the boundaries you've set for yourself finally saying enough is enough. I love this person. I wish I could make it work. I've tried to make it work. I have fought to try to make it work and they simply just don't want to respect my boundaries. So I'm going to now enforce them. And by enforcing them, I'm going to leave and break up with them. And that really sucks because you still care and you still give a shit and you wish you still wish they would want to do the things that you want them to do. And then you get mad because like, you know, this girl was like, oh, he just started dating someone.

I had a problem, like literally your situation, right? And that hurt her feelings. And it's going to hurt your feelings. And he's my, and if you break up with him, he's going to be mad. He's going to be triggered. He's going to want to piss you off. Of course, he's going to hang out with her more. You know what I'm saying? Like he's going to want to get a reaction. But that is not that at the end of the day, if you're going to enforce a boundary

and protect yourself and your well-being, you're going to have to fight through that. And you shouldn't break up with them to scare them. You shouldn't break up with them as a threat. It's not a tool, right? If you want to keep fighting for the relationship, then fight for the relationship however you do it. But if you break up with it, be prepared for it to be over. It's done, right? Based on what I've told you, if you could believe to yourself, you know, I don't have anything right or whatever, but I know I'm not crazy. Nick has validated my feelings of not being crazy. And I understand he might not be wrong. We're just not on the same page,

but it still hurts me and it still gives me stress and anxiety. What do you want to do about that? Like I'm asking you right now. Yeah. See, that's what I've been struggling with this whole time because I think for a little while I have convinced myself that I can be okay with this whole time because I think for a little while I have convinced myself that I can be okay with this friendship and that it is it is a problem within myself because like what you were saying about how people bringing like past issues and baggage from their past relationships that's honestly kind of me I have a lot of trust issues from my past i've been cheated on i i my dad like wasn't the greatest role model you know just like it's it stemmed from a long time so i've always wondered to myself is it me like is it just

something that i need to work through internally and it's not what he's doing and him making me uncomfortable and not basically caring about how i feel but yeah it's it's a tough thing right um you know i wonder if i talked to him and he'd just be like i don't know like you know and you are both two young people you know i'm the older guy who's just like you know you're not gonna marry this guy so just fucking break up and i know that's easy for me to say and and and yeah um but yeah to me it sounds like you guys gave it a good run you're young what a great lesson you've learned. It sounds like you're really trying to do the right thing. You're now dating a guy who his friendships overall

might be a bigger priority than his relationships. And that's not necessarily a bad thing for a 21-year-old man. You know? And it sucks for you, you know? But you're reaching a point where you're just kind of driving yourself crazy if you do decide to break up with them be as be as nice as possible say i and and don't say you know you you say it's just like i'm not doing this as a threat like you do want like i hey listen i tried i can't do it i wish i could do it but maybe i do need to maybe i do need to

work on my own trust issues i'm gonna you know maybe i need to work on this but all i know is this is giving me anxiety it's making me feel more insecure and i don't want to feel that way i i'm not trying to threaten you i'm not trying to tell you who you can be friends with. I'm just trying to take care of my mental health. So I think we should end it. And, you know, like I understand and no hard feelings. And, you know, this could be one of those situations, you know, I'm not a big believer in like getting back together with your ex, but like maybe in four years you guys reconnect and your priorities have shifted, but you guys go live your life

you know but you're not going to change his mind at this point i can promise you that nothing you say or do and if you do it's going to be riddled with resentment on his part so yeah i try to tell him too i was like i want to continue this and i want to keep convincing myself that I'll be okay with this but I am being honest with myself when I say that I feel like if I do continue this down the road there will be some resentment build up towards him because it's kind of like oh well I stayed in this relationship that made me uncomfortable and just because like I was trying to make you happy you know type of thing and I don't want that to happen. And it sounds like he's drawing a line in the sand

and saying like, my priorities hurt. You can be my girlfriend or not, but I'm not going to stop being friends with her. I mean. That really hurts. I think that's what hurts the most is like whenever he came to me and was basically like, it's going to be this way or we're not going to be together.

It wasn't like, hey, this is how I'm feeling. Let's talk about it. Well, there you go. I mean, maybe that's your answer, right? Like he, that's a clear choice in his priorities. And again, I'm not faulting him or saying he's a bad guy or anything like that. Like that's how he feels.

And he has a right to feel the way he does. And I get that it stings and I get that it hurts. But don't try to fight that hurt. Like, you've got to see it for what it is. That he is choosing to make her a bigger priority than you. And why would you want to be in a romantic committed relationship if he's going to do that with someone else? Yeah. And maybe it is time, as sad as you're going to be in a romantic committed relationship if he's going to do that with someone else? Yeah. And maybe it is time as sad as you're going to be to walk away.

Yeah. Like I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. But like there's just been a few things that have just like rubbed me the wrong way. Like as I said, I've set some boundaries. And one of those boundaries was whenever they first became friends, they were texting like very late hours in the night like two three in the morning and I told him that that makes me feel uncomfortable like I I don't think you should be texting like a girlfriend that late at night yeah and then last night he went to his friend's house got really drunk and came home passed out and I know this wasn't good of me

but i went through his phone and i saw that he was texting her calling her blowing up her phone she wasn't answering him because of how late it was i guess she was asleep and just trying to talk to her and like call her and he was like so yeah you should definitely break up with this guy yeah i was like you need to be honest with yourself. But now I think you need to recognize it. Like, you know, I don't think you're toxic before. Checking someone's phone is toxic. You know this.

You don't need to be saying this. No, now you're getting your vulnerability and your insecurity is causing you to be a worse version of yourself to do these toxic things. And you're going to, once you're out of this relationship, you're going to look back and go, I wish I didn't do that. So you're going to have to find the strength to like it's going to be it's going to hurt. It's going to be sad. But I promise you, if you if you end it and you do it with grace and you do it with kindness, you will get so much power out of it. And if you just let him know that it's okay

you want to be friends with her i just i just can't i'm gonna i'm just this is about my mental health and i love you and i care about you and maybe someday in the future blah blah blah but like i i don't want to have to fight this much to feel like a priority that's it that's a feeling and you have the right to feel how you feel and and be careful just because you've been cheated on or you've you've you have your scars i think it's good that you reflect and you work on yourself you try to deal with that but like you don't sound all that jealous like you sound like you have very valid reasons to feel insecure about this person so don't doubt yourself and staying in this relationship is going to fuck that

up for you. You know what I'm saying? It's going to make your next relationship a little bit harder, but like now, you know, like, you know, he's doing this shit.

So like act on it, get out of it and you're going to be okay. Okay. I promise. It doesn't mean you're not going to be sad, but you will be okay. Yeah. I think that's just going to be the hardest part because I have, like you said, used leaving as a threat before, but it was just an empty threat. I wasn't actually going to. Don't say like, just, Hey, we need to talk and you sit down and you you follow through you're gonna feel real good about yourself for having the strength to do that no matter what he says

and god only knows what he's going to say follow through and just be super nice don't let him get in like trigger you scratch in an itch no matter what he says assume he's gonna i don't know it might be make you feel bad he might try to hurt you emotionally i mean you know you know how we do this and are like you might say something to i don't know but kill him with kindness say like this is going to be best for both of us i just need to i don't want to feel the way I do anymore. And that's okay. And I'm not asking you. I'm not even asking you. I don't like her.

Him cutting her out is not an option. Even if he says that, walk away. Because it was, again, that's not what he wants. You're not breaking up with him to get him to do that. You're past that. And trust me, you will feel very powerful. And he will feel very helpless. I know.

I know. I know everything you're saying is right. I do. All right. Well, good luck. Think about it. I promise if you can do this in six to 12 months, you're going to look back and be like, fuck yeah, that was awesome. Well, thank you for all your advice.

It was really, it helped helped me it was really insightful all right well best of luck you're gonna be okay yeah it was very nice meeting you too take care how's it going hi my name is stephanie and i'm 29 from california hi stephanie how can i help so i'm calling in for help on a relationship, trying to figure out if I should give it another go or not. So me and my currently ex were together eight and a half years. We actually met at stagecoach in 2012. And we have a daughter, she is three years old. And that was kind of one reason why I stuck it out for so long. But we did break up in January. Reason being is just we weren't on the same page. I wanted to

progress our relationship, get married, have more kids. Marriage has always been something that he has shied away from because he saw his parents get divorced, a close aunt and uncle get divorced. So that was always something I knew, but I still stuck in the relationship. One day, though, in November of last year, I just had enough. He called me and asked where I was because he needed to go out with his friends. He didn't ask how my day had been. And that just kind of triggered a spark that led to eventually moving out. So we've been separated for about, I mean, January, so almost a full year. And he's been trying to fix our relationship. The reason that he wanted to kind of get back together is because I started to date someone else. So that kind of made him realize that I was serious about moving on. The problem is we broke up for reasons like

his priorities were not on me and my daughter, he cared more about himself, and wasn't giving me what I needed. So I'm trying not to be blinded by him now being nice and putting in a little bit more effort, like actually texting me every day, wanting to see me on weekends. So it's just, it's tough because I think I don't know at the end of the day what I really want. I don't know if I want to. Yeah, it's complicated. I mean, obviously you have the daughter and there's a connection there. yeah it's complicated i mean obviously you have the daughter and there's a connection there um yeah so i think this is one of those you know especially for me when i was a critical about people getting back together with exes you know like if you didn't have that i would be like you

dated for eight and a half years you know you know you know you know about him you know which still applies you know uh so my question to you is you didn't for eight and a half years was he like this for eight and a half years and you finally got enough or was he really attentive and made you a priority for a real big chunk of it but for whatever reason maybe the past year or two got a little sloppy got a little considerate got a little into his own personal needs and he stopped being the attentive father and boyfriend that he was for so long. Like which one is more true? Honestly, I mean, I know you're right.

I've known Brandon in half years. This isn't a surprise. He's always been this way. He lost his mother when he was 12, so I think that's why he can't open up emotionally. He's always had walls up, even with me. So I know how he is. Maybe, and i don't want to like but like there's plenty of guys who aren't good at opening up emotionally who didn't face the tragedy of their

their mother dying so just be careful not to make excuses for him yeah um but continue um so yeah i mean this is how he is it's no surprise so that's why him putting in the effort. I don't, it's like a big deal for me because I'm not used to it, but this is pretty much how he's been with my daughter. I think he wasn't ready. We had talked about wanting to have a child, but we didn't expect it to happen as quickly as it did. So it's not like things suddenly changed when she was born or over the last year or two. It's pretty much been how he is. I've just been holding on and hoping that he would eventually want more, show more.

His interest in being a father, how much has that changed with the effort of trying to get you back? So he's actually been a lot better. He'll try and pick her up from daycare, even though her daycare is on the way home from my job. He's really trying. He's trying to plan like family outings and trips. Do you think that if he believed that you were never coming back to him, he would still maintain the level of effort with his daughter? I do. I do because he's told me that before when I was dating someone else, he told me, you know, regardless of what happens with you, like I'm always going to be in her life. He actually said, I'll be in both of your lives, but I know he would always be there for her.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't have, you know, I can't predict the future. I don't know. Right. You just have to sit there and decide, you know, cons is like you said, you did him for eight and a half years. You know who he is. So expecting a sort of dramatic shift, I guess, unlikely based off of that information alone alone.

Is it worth the risk given that you have a daughter together to a, to a certain degree, maybe certainly more than if you didn't. Right. But at the same time, uh, you both can be great parents to your daughter. Your daughter can be okay. And you can find the type of relationship you want and deserve. You know what I'm saying? Like your, your daughter's wellbeing is not going to necessarily be fully contingent on you two being an item. It's going to come down more to you.

You both decide to be great parents to your daughter. Right. You can be an absent father and still be in a relationship with the mom. So it really comes down to giving a shit. So you just have to decide. And maybe it's how much time do you want to give them, you know, like, yeah. And maybe it's, you know, how much time do you want to give them? You know, if you decide to get back together, you know, if you do not get back together, it's going to be hard for you because he will be in your daughter's life. And so I think it's good for you to fully just let it go. Or if you can't

fully let it go anytime soon, maybe it a shot does is he aware of your doubts is he aware of how you feel that he has been who he is for eight and a half years like why the fuck should you believe him like have you is um i have asked him i've told him like what i needed and i wrote in my email like i know it's crazy to say the only way I'd move back in is if you propose, but I need that like reassurance. How about, how about, how about the only way I'll consider getting back together with you is if we go to couples therapy. I've thought about that. That's something he's agreed to. We just haven't taken the step forward to actually doing it, but that seems a hell of a lot healthier and smarter

than forcing him to propose to you if he's not ready especially when one of your concerns is he's not good at opening up and expressing his feelings and maybe he has some like past trauma with the death of his mother etc etc so like if you want to like enact actual change and feel like and work on the relationship of something that has been damaged you both i'm sure it could benefit from through couples therapy like right and if he's and if he's accepted going like there's zero like other than you know time time is obviously very available but like that actually might help change things because your big concern is like how do i how can i trust you how how will you be different? And the truth is, if he doesn't actually do anything to help change him, then on some

level, he will revert back to who he is unless he can change who he is as a person. And real change, especially as an adult, sometimes doesn't come from real self-reflection and exercises and therapy and working with a professional can help like open up and peel back those layers of why we do what we do and how we react in certain situations. And you both can learn about yourselves and how you best communicate with each other. And that's far better than be like, I need a ring. I need a guarantee because you don't want to marry him if he's not going to continue to be the, make you a priority. don't want to marry him if he's not going to continue to be the make you a priority i mean you're so hell-bent on finding a husband and getting proposed to by him but like is that the bigger concern or you not being a priority being concerned because the real nightmare is being

married to a guy who's not making you a priority and then you're like far more stuck then it's harder to get a divorce and there's lawyers involved involved. And it's just like, ugh. Like, I don't know. If I'm you, I wouldn't want that. If I'm you, I would want to know that he actually is different. That if he can have you back, he still wants to make your priority. And forcing an engagement on a guy is not the way I got about doing that. But couples therapy, that actually might work.

And you don't need to like be back together for six months. You could literally start going now before you even are actually back together. Yeah, no, that's a good point. I think you're right. I was focused more on that reassurance, but it doesn't matter if we're engaged, if he's going to kind of revert back to his old ways. So I know it could definitely help the both of us because I have a lot of anxiety and that's something I need to work on as well. But I think not having that reassurance from him makes it worse because when I was around him

and living with him, I was quick to stress, quick to get anxious. And I think that played a lot into it. So what you can say to him is like hey listen I thought a lot about this I talked to this guy named Nick and here's what I'm prepared to do let's go to couples therapy I'm also not saying we're back together but like we have a history we have a daughter like let's do this together I still need you to respect my boundaries of the fact that I'm not fully there yet. And I have a lot of trust issues

and doubts, but like, I'm prepared to do this and I'm willing to do this. And you can't start playing house with me and you, you don't get to like have expectations of me as your girlfriend yet. Like we, I just need you to respect those boundaries because I don't know, fully trust you right yet. But I, in a perfect world, I would love for us to be happy. I would love us for you to be together and have a family together. And I'm willing to work on it with you, but I'm not there yet. And if you can respect that, I'm happy to start going to couples therapy with you and we'll see how it goes. No, I think that's a good starting point because I can't 100% say I want to jump back in, but I also can't think of my life without him in it. So I think I'm

just very in my head. No, either way is going to be in your life because you have a daughter together. So there is that. But yeah, so do something about it, right? And you have options. Couples, there'll be great option. You don't have to get back together yet. You don't have to get proposed to yet. You could just talk to a professional who might be able to help both of you figure out if this is something that can actually work. And you can still respect your boundaries and your space and your independence. You guys have a long history together. You have a long history together you have a daughter together like this is not a crazy idea to go to couples therapy is a is two people who aren't actually technically in a couple maybe this

couple therapy will disagree with me i don't know and they're the professional but like i feel like you can still do this um and that's at least you doing something about it and not giving up your independence and your progress you've made as an individual, but then you're at least seeing if there's something there. So what you're doing now is just wondering and waiting and sitting in limbo. Yeah, that's exactly what we're doing. And the thing is, that's why I wrote in because my family, they will side with whatever I want. So one day, you know, they don't like him. The next they do.

And that doesn't help me any because it's just, you know, I'm like, I need the help. I need someone to show me things from a different perspective because it's just tough. Like I said, I'm in my head. I would try to look for a good couples therapist you know yeah and see if he's willing to go and simultaneously respect your boundaries and and not use going to couples therapy is a way to get more from you or more expectations and start getting jealous and start demanding you know what what I'm saying? Like, yeah, he doesn't have, he doesn't get to have those same expectations of you as, as his girlfriend yet, even though you're going to couples therapy. Right. Right. Not yet, at least. No. And, and that's one thing

too. Like, I think that's why I'm so cautious about things. Like I said i i don't want to take his daily text messages and good nights as like oh he's really trying that's very minute in the grand scheme of everything so yeah and again a couple therapy can help you kind of shift through like what's really should be a priority and what's our things that you should work on and reasonable expectations and just help you guys just this is not about winning and losing. It's not about being right. It's just about you two seeing if you guys can get on the same page

and you can get what you want and deserve and or move on. Yeah. You know, and that will do a lot more for you guys either way than demanding a ring. Yeah. Or just sitting doing nothing like we are right now. Yep.

All right. Thank you. Well, best of luck. No problem. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

How's it going? Hi, my name is Alexis. I'm from New York. I'm 27. How you doing? Great. How are you?

How can I help? So basically I'm 27. Like I said, I never had a boyfriend, never really been in a relationship. I'm a self-saboteur. I don't put myself out there, which is like, I totally understand and I totally get that. So I started on going on a dating app. So my parents are from South India. So it's a very, an app specifically toward people from south india um just because like i would like someone who has the same culture as me and understands like our issues and stuff like that um so i've been on it um talking to people it's been great then i ended up matching with

this guy from dallas and um he was really great we started talking on the app and then he was like hey um here's my number so we started texting like every day. He was like, Hey, let's let's do a phone call. So we did a phone call. It was unbelievable. It was really great. It went really well. He had like the same he had like the same type of humor as me like that, like we're like witty, sarcastic kind of thing. And then he was like, Hey, let's let's do a second phone call. So we kind of like broke it up into several phone calls. And I was like, Hey, I'm actually going to be in Dallas for my parents house, retirement house, party or whatever. And he was like, Yeah, we should totally meet up and do drinks and stuff. I was like, I don't really drink, but I'm totally to go down with is totally to meet up and stuff like that.

Um, so I don't really tell my fam, like my cousins and stuff. If I'm talking to someone, I usually tell them like, after it all all ends because partly because I'm embarrassed if when it doesn't work out and also they never really tell me about their relationships and stuff so I kind of feel like I don't really want to tell them um so then my brother was supposed to pick me up but then my cousin came and I was like oh I can't go I can't just leave her so then um I called him and I was like, hey, listen, I can't meet up. I'm really sorry. He was like, instead of like being upset or whatever about it, he was like, well, I'll just have to come to New York to see you.

And I was like, oh, well, because like usually when I talk to guys, they're like, when you come to Maryland or when you come to Dallas, it's always me going there. It's never them coming here. So that was like. As a result of being on this like very specific app, are you usually matching with guys who don't live in new york yeah so the app is not like tinder it doesn't take like your location it'll send you from people to give you people from all over the u.s so i match with people from like california it doesn't matter your location really um so he was like um so i was like yeah that's totally fine you can do that um continue

to text and talk like almost every day and then our phone calls became like unscheduled like he would just call me on his way home from work or he would just call me in the dog park because he has a dog and it was it was awesome and then I and then I told him not to come to New York actually because I was like uh I'm kind of busy with everything. And then he got really upset. And I was really feeling just like overwhelmed and pressured. I don't know why, because I just felt overwhelmed with him coming. So then he got really upset about that.

Continued talking, texting was great. So he knew this was like my first date, my first like kind of thing um and he was totally cool with that and then we so I was like hey I'm coming to Dallas in a month I'm coming here let's plan a date so we planned a date and I was like back in May I was like oh you know I've never been to Topgolf that's I always wanted to go there and he was and he remembered that and without using like let's do that because you always want to go there um then and he was like and i'm like look i'm gonna pick a fight with you i'm with self-saboteur i'm gonna that's gonna happen it was like i'm prepared i'm ready for that to happen so then um you said that as

a joke but you're also kind of serious yeah because i tend to why are you picking fights with guys you haven't even gone on a date with i guess i was just i'm overwhelmed of putting myself there and getting hurt and people to getting to know the real me. They are getting to know the real you. Part of the real you right now is someone who's picking fights with someone they don't go on dates with. Yeah. But he like tolerated it. He like tolerated my neurosis.

He tolerated my anxiety. Okay. And that was like cute because I feel like the Jersey guy, they all were like, okay, bye. And he tolerated, which was like cute because i feel like like like the jersey guy like he they all like were like okay bye like and he tolerated which was like awesome um so then we um the night before he was like what exactly was awesome about it other than yeah like what what do you mean like so i just i just want to like rewind like replay the tape and walk through like like watching film like you recognize that you did something let's call it slightly toxic right like you like self-saboteur like i'm gonna

pick a fight and he acted differently than say other guys whatever and and you say he took it like he accepted it he didn't fight back and and you called that awesome so like you recognize that you're doing something toxic he let you get away with it and you like that yes do you recognize the challenges with that yeah no definitely because i shouldn't do that ever. Well, more importantly, like, you know, you're setting a precedent and you might be like getting your way in this moment, but like that's, that's starting your,

you're liking him for like allowing you to be toxic. Yes. But like in the way he also like challenges me, like he'll call me out on things. I'm just responding to this one thing, right? I'm just. Yeah, no, yeah, no, I get it. I shouldn't, I shouldn't do that.

I don't know why. I guess I get scared and. No, yeah, listen, you're human. We've, we all do these things, but like if you're going to recognize that you have faults, let's not be excited when we get away with it. True. You're right. You you know like if you're going to recognize that you have a fault let's let's try to hold ourselves accountable and not reward people

who don't make us accountable that's like the next step of recognition so you think like it'd be better for him to like call me out on it and be like you shouldn't do that again if i you're you're saying hey i did this thing i know i shouldn't have done it like you're not even defending it so yes in a respectful way a mature person would be like hey listen um you seem great but like i don't love that and don't like do you tell me talk to that way or i'm not or or maybe it's like hey listen like what's i don't understand i'm a little confused by like everything's fine like let's you know what i'm saying like if he handled it in a mature way but still checked you then yeah that would be the appropriate response like that would be we should want to be in relationships with people who can with empathy and kindness and maturity hold us accountable for when we

aren't our best selves you know yeah you're right not i not we don't want someone who's an asshole to us just because uh we did something wrong we all we're always going to do something wrong from time to time and we don't have to want to pay the price by someone like being a dick about it just because we made a mistake but we also don't want to be rewarded for our toxic behavior because everyone has a limit and that that he might be putting up with it now he ain't going to be putting up with it forever oh definitely not um so then it's like the night before it's like the day of and he says like hey um i took uh originally he had like a 3 30 um orange theory fitness class and then he was like i pushed it to 5 a.m and he also took like a vacation day because i can only come on the weekend weekdays and on the weekends

um which I thought was like really sweet it was was cool that he did that and then and I was like why are we pushing the date so early I'd rather be a little later and instead of just saying hey I want you to get back home because I know you're you know your family's gonna be worried or whatever he was like um well I don't want you to harvest my organs or I don't want you to like have the boogeyman come out when you're too late. And I'm like, I'm really anxious right now. Having a joke in this moment is really not going to help me.

And then I called him and I'm like, what are you doing? But you knew he was making a joke. I didn't think he was at first. At first, I thought he was being serious. I thought ultimately he just didn't want to spend a lot of time. You thought he was actually worried about you murdering him? No, I thought he didn't want to spend time with me so he wanted to push the date up earlier so we can end earlier okay but still he was made yeah that was the actual concern but he did make a joke yeah okay you thought he was you thought he was getting cold feet

yeah exactly um so i was like what are you doing what's going on he's like you're picking a fight you know and i'm like yeah you're right i shouldn't do this um and then i i texted him i'm sorry i shouldn't have said that i get what you're doing and then i called him the morning of the date and i'm like hey look you didn't respond but i just want to let you know i'm sorry i didn't mean that it was like okay all right so i think i know your problem if i may share yeah go ahead so you're you're like you're you're like you're really close like you know you're close to having this not be a problem but like you are aware that you're a neurotic person right step one acknowledgement great right but it's your neuroses that is causing these problems

right yeah you know you are pushing people away uh you are for example in that moment you were worried that you had been so neurotic up to that point that he was now getting cold feet. And you handled it by being even more neurotic. Yeah, essentially. So you just got to work on that. I mean, you got to chill the fuck out, you know? I was the one who actually sent you that question on your Q&A. I was like, how do I stop being neurotic? And you were like, therapy helps.

And I was like, do i stop being neurotic and you were like therapy helps and i was like oh yeah okay i remember that yeah it does i mean you you you know it's it's one thing to recognize something but now you have to do something about it and you have to like you have to learn tools literally you have to steps exercises you have to become self-aware and where you say okay i'm that. I know what I'm doing. Take a breath, work on your breathing, literally, like those are things that help. And then you just have to be okay with a little bit of rejection and disappointment. You're already getting disappointed. You're already getting rejected.

You know what I'm saying? Like, so you're not preventing anything. The very thing you're afraid of is already happening so instead of doing those things when you feel that anxiety boil up and you feel like the self-doubt like you stop picking fights go on the date take things slow you know part of like you know you're romanticizing things you're little anxious. You're late in the game with dating. You have a lot of reasons to like, one on like force it through, but like,

Hey, just a date with some guy who it might not most likely won't work out with. And not because like you fucked up or he fucked up. You just might not be compatible. You know, you're just figuring each other out. You know, he's not supposed to fall in love with you on the first date.

He's not supposed to like sweep you off your feet. He's just trying to like get to know you and hopefully be himself and you may or may not like him. So go on the dates, just focus on having fun. Stop worrying about if he likes you. Stop trying to analyze him. Stop trying to figure out in one night if he's everything you ever hoped he would be.

You know, him stop trying to figure out in one night if he's everything you ever hoped he would be you know just you got to try to simplify your moments you know simplify your dates you have a million things going through your mind uh and you're building up the pressure and you're you know you're putting you're putting too much pressure on yourself and and then subsequently your dates and yeah some of them you all you will scare the shit out of them like i would be like fuck dude this chick is like you know and then and then you handle it by like just validating their concerns by freaking out so like what's the worst that can happen by just like going golfing yeah at four in the afternoon and instead of freaking out about four an afternoon just be like i don't know i get to golf you know what i'm gonna do i'm just gonna be awesome i'm gonna show them that i'm awesome i'm gonna be my best self like i don't know like maybe it's just like maybe it's my own hubris or like whatever but like instead of you know going

on a reality tv show and being vilified the first season and making excuses and pointing fingers and blah blah i just like actively decided as much as i can and sometimes i'll be in my head and i'll be aloof but when i want to. But when I want to like shine, when I want to like show someone that I have great qualities, I'm going to do it. I'm going to fucking charm the pants out of them. And I'm going to get them to be like, I was, you know, I came in with some assumptions of you and I left feeling very different. So if you're worried about what people think about you you take that as a moment to prove them wrong you know if you're worried about a guy not liking you then don't do the very thing

that you're afraid they already think you might be doing surprise them and just be chill as fuck i thought it was okay because he knew i was so neurotic and he like dealt with that so i thought like it's okay to be a little bit it is okay to be a little bit neurotic for sure it's totally okay but you can't let your neuroses like consume you you know it's okay you're you're always going to be your neurotic i don't care what therapy or whatever like it's too late in the game to just not be i don't know maybe i'm wrong i may be a therapist be like you don't have to be around girl but there's a good chance you might have some neuroses your whole life, but you can get much better about dealing with it in the moment. You can develop tools and resources to help you not completely lose your shit to the point where you wake up the next day

and be like, fuck, why did I do that? You know, like what's the difference between you like getting so neurotic and kind of losing self-control and acting out and regretting the next day than someone who like drinks too much, gets blacked out drunk and doesn't remember like being an idiot. It's kind of the same, you know, so you can work on these things and there's a lot of things you can do to get better and then take it easy on yourself. You don't have to not be neurotic and part of your neuroses will be charming and people will like you for that but it is not excuse to be your worst self yeah you're right i get it yeah and take it easy on yourself yeah like it's okay just try to chill the fuck out you know just easier said than done no it's not

no it's not we all can do. I know you can do it. So then we meet up at Topgolf. And I'm not widely attracted to him. I mean, like, he's, like, cute. He's not terrible. He's, like, a little shorter than me. Like, he's not that tall than me. I'm just picking things off.

So we go to Topgolf. And he's, like, super distant. Like, there's three couches. He takes, like, the farthest couch. Well, at this point, you like super distant like there's three couches he takes like the farthest couch well at this point you've already like picked three fights with him and like you've you've already started a date and he's just like fuck he might literally be trying to get through it at this point i i really thought he was because we weren't like really like we were just playing top golf we had like jokes here and there it wasn't like um our conversations that we had before but we were just like let's just play the game let's just break the

ice um things that made me think that the day was going well like he extended the time like we were supposed to stop like at seven o'clock he ended like at eight um he emailed like our scores to us I didn't want a copy of it whatever but he was like oh just whatever um he doesn't he never walked with me he just like always walked ahead of whatever um he doesn't he never walked with me he just like always walked ahead of me um he like would open doors for me which is really cute but like he would just walk him fast like i when we initially got there i um i was like oh i just have to go to the bathroom really quick and he was like okay he walks into the arena i'm like i don't even know where i'm going like you couldn't wait like two seconds for me i was a little bit annoyed

about that um i mean these are all very little specific things that you're just kind of hyper analyzing should a guy walk in front of you no but he'd open the door he could just be also aloof and nervous and so like you know it could be a bad habit he could work on something certainly you could help him with you know that's a that's a very fixable problem hey be be present and walk with me not in front of me i still i do it i'm a fast fucking walker i need to slow the fuck down all the time and i will never not be in a relationship but from time and time my girlfriend will be like hey what the fuck why are you three feet in front of me you know yeah i was like we made jokes i was

like can you walk a little slow and it's like can you walk a little faster like we were like joking on that okay but like you shouldn't be like negging each other on the first date what's your what's your question i we i've learned enough about the date but like what is your question about this guy so my neurosis gets worse though nick i don't doubt that after the day i'm like i'm a girl i need to know how do you feel and he was like oh well I hear back from me hold on what does that mean I'm a girl I need to know how you feel I guess because like I was like I need I don't want to wait three days I just want to know how you feel about me how you feel about okay and you have the right to ask that I don't know if your gender has anything to do with that but you know you could is also like in general, let it marinate. Maybe, you know, you don't need an answer right away.

Yeah. What a weird thing to ask someone. Do you like me? Like, all right. You know, I don't know. Also, like you hadn't even had time to process the date. There were plenty of things he said that you didn't like. So why are you so worried about what he thinks about you right now?

Go home, get a good night kiss or not get a night kiss. I don't know and it didn't happen fine but think about his answers and what you liked and didn't like and you can be reasonable with how you interpret it don't nitpick every little thing but certainly decide whether you want a date but nope you're sitting here and you're like giving me a list of all the things that you didn't like instead of like think about that for like a hot second you're like i need answers now before the date even ended like what the fuck what is that so then um i i didn't hear him anything back for the next two days and i'm like oh guess i didn't bring my a game no response and then i'm like hey i'm leaving tomorrow can you call me who brings

their a game on a first date it was like a running joke between us he was like you better bring your a game like so it was like this running thing that we had um and then he was like oh gosh you were terrible at top golf um i was like um can i was like hey i'm leaving tomorrow do you want to go like by the dog park and just meet up again one more time and it was like no i'm super busy i can't i was like okay just just call me and at this point do you even like this guy or do you just want to be liked i just want to be liked and i like the attention and then also was like he was my first i just wanted to get like the first eight suck let me try again like we got all the nerves out let's try this one more time but i'm gonna

interrupt you like you seem like a woman who prides herself on being independent and and and and having her power and and being respected right am i am i on am i on track there on point you are you just are giving so much of your power away by needing this attention you like to i need attention ha ha ha well like you're anyone's need for attention is 100 a act of giving away your power you become reliant on other people's validation and anytime you need someone else to validate you you give up power you're right um i should have done that so just remember that every time you seek out someone's validation or approval. I just,

I feel like he was my first date and I wanted to go. Well, I get it. Listen, you're human. I'm not trying to, you know, be that hard on you,

but like you're an intelligent, capable person. I know who can handle this feedback, but no, no, I need to get back out there. You got it. You know,

and I'm not, I'm not,'m not i'm serious therapy yes you could use some therapy but what confused me is like we still were talking he still called me like everything was normal and then i had tagged him in something and i'm like look i wouldn't be overthinking if you just tell me how you feel about me at this point because i feel like something's off i feel like the vibe is off and he goes i i'm sorry i've been really busy i feel like we don't have chemistry i hope we can be friends okay so my question is like i wanted to like respond and say like hey look you're right there was no chemistry you suck you weren't you weren't the person i why does he suck because you

don't have chemistry because he was i felt like he was a jerk a little bit sounds like you guys were kind of jerky to each other and part of it is like you're like i don't know is like our jokes and whatever like it's just you know it's not your guy and your ego's a little bruised yeah being validated is very important to you you've recognized that and your ego wants to call him a jerk. And name calling is another act of losing your power. Just accept it. That's powerful. You know, you just got to change your perspective on some little things. You're real close.

But like, I think work on your neuroses, develop tools to be more present in the moment to like control your ego to avoid being so neurotic that it does affect your relationships. So learn how to turn your neuroses into a charming little thing that the person who loves you once in a while gets annoyed about, but overall you're great. And maybe try and prioritize, despite this app giving people all over the country. I'm sure there's a lot of people from South India and New York City that make it easy on yourself you know try to go on more dates with with people

in general get some practice you literally need some practice strings you're like you get you know these one dates and you put all this energy and effort and you you're you're you're trying to have it be perfect and you can't have a perfect first date. You know, you, you can't get answers in a day. You know, you, you, you're going to have to learn some patience. You're going to have to learn some,

um, ability to not be so reliant on other people's validation, you know? So, all right. But you definitely should not reach out to him and call him an asshole. Like it's like, why?

Not even just to say, hey, look, I agree. We have no chemistry. You don't want to be friends with him. You don't need to agree with him. That's just your ego. You're going to win nothing. In the moment,

you might feel like you're winning something. You'll get off and you'll still feel the way you feel now. Maybe worse. You'll feel more, you'll feel even less powerful than you do right now. Thank you.

Go work on it. I will. Take care. Thanks for listening, guys. Always appreciate our callers writing in and taking the time to tell their stories. As always, we need your submissions, so email us at asknick at castmedia.com.

Most of our callers are anonymous, as you probably figured out, and you can most of our calls are anonymous um as you probably figured out and you can be too and uh just write in and thanks for listening i'll be back on wednesday with ivan the interview everyone's been waiting for we'll see if ivan delivers i'm sure he will see you back on Wednesday.