The Viall Files - E33 Ask Nick - Penis Problems

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Every Monday we will now have a special “Ask Nick” episode! Nick kicks it off by discussing the number one question he gets asked about sex and dating. We talk to a woman who is worried she can’t get a guy off, someone whose partner has no desire for sex, and a cancer survivor who feels stuck in a relationship. If there's anyone who has had a lot of experience dating, it's Nick! Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Email your questions to [e-mail] to get on the show. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: HONEY: https://www.joinhoney.com/viall HELLO FRESH: https://www.hellofresh.com/viall80 BEST FIENDS: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/best-fiends-puzzle-adventure/id868013618 CHEERS: https://takecheers.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're crazy. Rochelle and sidekick producer Shug. I'm really just your pal. Just my pal. Just my pal Shug. Your pal Shug chiming in. Thank you so much for having me back to visit. Having you back. You're kind of a mainstay. Your hair is Yolanda V. Oh, Shug might quit.

Shug complained she's not getting enough hugs from Nick, so that's got to change. That is true. We've hugged once. What about my touch? Do you enjoy it? I love your touch. I need it.

We, yeah. Listen, we love having conversations and discussions and sometimes debates. This is a debate heavy episode. We had some really great calls. Yeah, we did. It got heated. Shug's still heated. Well, listen, I get heated.

I don't know what to tell you. As soon as I call myself a hood rat on a conversation, which is coming up, I can't wait for you to hear it, you know that I've crossed over. But Nick answers a lot of questions on his Instagram. Is there any theme that you're seeing lately? I mean, the overwhelming thing has always been this, the difference of expectations men and women have about dating and sex. has always been this, the expectations,

the difference of expectations men and women have about dating and sex. A lot, specifically, we have a predominantly women audience in terms of the expectation of women feeling like they're supposed to, you know, trying to get a guy to like them. And then within those confines of trying to get a guy to like them

before they even figure out whether they like a guy. Yeah. Is what do I need to do for him in bed or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do I, well, if I don't do this, will he get mad or not like me? All these things that a lot of, again, women are doing, men have their own, you know, we, we are confused too. And there's things that women can help us out with things too. But you know, men, women But men always need to do a better job. But I would like to see more conversations happening

and women not feeling like in this expectation, we have a caller coming up about a guy not getting off. Is it her job? Is it not her job? Why does she feel this burden? You know, this weird, but that comes from our society of sex and dating over the years of what is expected of men in a relationship and what is expected of women. And hopefully in a lot of the stuff we do from these future episodes is kind of breaking down

those barriers. And we'll get into obviously family dynamics as we do. I think the important part, and I want to say this, and we've said this earlier when we started Vile Files, this is not about right or wrong. This is about having conversations and difference of opinions. And sometimes healthy debates lead you to a place of enlightenment and understanding each other. And sometimes that comes with, you know, when you talk about things about that are passionate, uh, that you're passionate about, uh, emotions come out, you get defensive, you get energetic. Um, and sometimes people, uh, mistake that from, uh, not wanting to learn and understanding. And sometimes getting those emotions raised will discourage people from having those conversations.

And I think what this, this show, especially this segment and this thing that's going to be dropping every Monday now is about being willing to have these conversations. And some of these, most of these are lighthearted, but sometimes having these tough conversations and debates and answering questions and sharing life experiences so that we all become more aware of how we can better understand each other. I think that's our ultimate goal. That's lovely. And that's just what we're trying to do. So hopefully you guys enjoy it.

And without further ado, we'll start answering some fan questions. Time for Nick to sell you things you really need, but you don't own. Now go buy the stuff. Hi, Noelle. How are you? Hi, Nick. I'm good. How are you?

Good. We have Shug here as well. Rochelle is in the room with us. Hi. Hi. How can we help you, Noelle? Okay. So I emailed yesterday, I think, and I had a really long dry spell and started seeing this guy a few weeks ago.

And at first I thought he was friendzoning me because he didn't make a move at all, but now we're past that and he's been really good about getting me off, but I'm not really doing very well at reciprocating that. And that's kind of first for me what a thoughtful person wait Rochelle why are you laughing why are you two laughing because I'm not laughing I like the matter of fact the way she says no it's great I was so thoughtful I just want to hug her um all right go ahead okay so yeah um but that's just never really been an issue for me like usually it's been me um finishing people and not really getting anything out of things myself so it's kind of like the opposite of what I'm used to and um I'm sure I'll figure that out but I kind of feel like it's a little weird about it like I

owe him something every time and um trying to navigate that and then i think my other half to that question was that um we're kind of on different levels he just got out of like a long relationship and i have been single for a while and every time i start seeing someone i like it's kind of like i get too lazy to start seeing anyone else and i'm scared i'll get like attached and not um have that be the same for them, I guess. Okay. Very clear. This is great.

Couple thoughts I had. I had a thought and then I lost it. I'll get it back though. In terms of, well, one, we had our last caller too. Like, listen, there's a lot of stereotypes with men and women in sex, right? And stereotypes are often stereotypes because there's a lot of, there's truth in them and that's why they become stereotypes.

But there's exceptions to all these rules. How old is this guy, by the way? 22. Okay, super young. Because I would say like, maybe he's like 40 and just like, just takes a minute, you know? I do think there is this standard that men always have to climax in a sexual experience for them to enjoy it. That is not true.

As a guy, I can tell you that's just not the case, right? It's also not your job as a woman in the room to get him off like he's your partner in a sexual experience and hopefully that happens but that doesn't you're not always going to bat a thousand right um you know 22 super young horny guy you think he'd just like be coming all over the place all the time but who knows like maybe the first like seriously maybe the first couple times he hooked up with you he masturbated right before right and now it's just like a little a little less gas in the tank and it's just it's a little harder it takes you know maybe he uh how long has he been working out with his girlfriend

um like two months maybe okay how long has he dated how long did he date her for like three years was it like his first and only relationship i think he had like another long-term one before that so yeah i don't think before that but he's only like okay but he was 18 so i'm gonna safely assume probably that 95 of everything he knows about sex and intimacy comes from this last girlfriend And what you are is just different. You're not better. You're not worse. You're just different. And I can, I, I can assure that when I wasn't having a lot of sex earlier, I had a very serious girlfriend and in between a few breakups, it was hard for me to move on. And when I finally did, and I was intimate, it was just so weird. You know, it was just like,

I was in my head the whole time about just like, it felt wrong. It felt like, you know, you're broken up, but like, it felt like, is this okay? All I'm saying is probably in his head a lot. Um, and there's just a lot of reasons why a guy might not climax and it has nothing really to do with you. So I wouldn't take it personally. And I also would just stop assuming that it's your job and that a guy always has to climax to enjoy sex. Yeah. Yeah. That's like the thing that's like always felt like that kind of, and now it's not. And I'm like, oh, okay. Like, I don't know how this works.

It's, it's very, it's kind of, it feels sometimes like a new concept that women are allowed to just enjoy and get off and, and they don't have to service the man. I think that that's a pretty new idea. It's wild that it's like, but I will say as a guy, sometimes it's almost, again, like, again, not to say that men have been somehow, but like the double standard, although for the most part, this double standard has put women are, they've been suffering from this double standard. But at the same time, this double standard, then the men didn't feel the pressure of it. Right. Because it has this kind of

counter reverse effect of, well, you're, I'm supposed to get you off. And so why aren't you getting off? And what can I do? Because if you don't get off, then is it me? Is it something, is it the way I look or whatever? And then the guy's like, no, I mean, I don't know what, what do you want me to say? Is my dick not working? It becomes a stressful situation. So all I'm saying is sometimes it's just okay. And if he's just like, no, it's fine. I just, I'm not going to right now. That's fine.

It's totally cool. Totally nothing to do with you, most likely, especially if he comes back for more. I guess if you guys hook up and you never hear from him again, hey, maybe he wasn't into you, but so what? But if you've been hanging out with this guy, I would just let go of this assumption that it's your job and you need to get him off all the time. And if he doesn't, he's not enjoying it because he probably still is.

Is he upset about it at all? Or do you talk about it in the moment? Is it like, oh, God, I can't come? Or like, I'm sorry. Like, is there apologies going on in the moment? No, it's kind of like the first time it was like yeah I'm just kind of nervous with new people and then it was like oh like I can't

like my roommate can hear us he's not lying he's definitely nervous you're new his ex-girlfriend and this is not I wouldn't feel insecure about this at all like that's all he knows and that's all he's thought about and and he's he's young so and and then

so what like when you when you start dating maybe at 15 16 14 at the earliest so you think about that he's 22 six seven years three years that's 50 half of his date like basically 100 of his dating life has been one person and and so it's just a process and so i would it's definitely not you i'd give it some time as far as you like having that self-awareness to like just latch on i think it would behoove you to like remind you that he's going to take some time. So like, that's good for you to just let it breathe,

you know? Yeah. It doesn't mean you have to start dating other people, but like. Just continue to do other stuff. Yeah. Just do other stuff. Make sure that you,

you maintain your space and enjoy your, your hobbies and activities and your work and all of that stuff. I think that that really truly helps us as women and men the same to not put all of our interest balls into one bucket. And as young people, and I talk about this a lot, is as you get older, you'll have more experiences and you'll become more critical. And it's very common that when I was younger, you meet someone, you like them, you're like, fuck it, let's date. You know, um, if you're not in a committed relation with this guy and he needs some time, I encourage you to go on a date with another guy. You know, if the opportunity, if the opportunity arises, I don't get five dating apps and start going on a bunch of dates, but make yourself available. Keep shopping, girl. Keep shopping. And if he's the one you should date,

he will only get better and better. Totally. But you might realize that maybe this was just the first guy you liked after a dry spell. I mean, Shug had a dry spell for a year and for a couple days, I thought she, for like a couple days, I thought she was just going to fuck anything in sight, you know. It came back strong. It came back real strong. It was gradual and then I was like ready to, you know,

I was going to go to jail for what I was intending to do to some people. So yeah, that's just what I would do. I mean it sounds like you're confident in your

in your game so to speak yeah I am yeah yeah ask him questions ask him what he likes ask him what he's into

you know have him masturbate in front of you that's what Emily said that was not my idea sex with Emily I I

I don't discourage that I think yeah have you ever seen him come has he ever come I don't discourage that. I think, yeah. Have you ever seen him come? Has he ever come? No, but it's only been like three times. Oh, okay. I dated a guy for a while and, you know, like a few months and he was like,

I just don't do it all the time. And I was like, not for me. I needed more. I needed fireworks. Listen, so just to sum up i right now i wouldn't make a big deal about it at all i really wouldn't i would just kind of like if you want to keep hanging out with them let it go if you keep hanging out with this guy and like say a couple months later we're still having this bit of an issue, then I think it's okay to ask questions like, is he masturbating all the time? I don't know.

Is he – ask him what he likes. I mean, I think it's safe now if you keep having sex. Start asking what he likes. But give it time. Don't make him feel pressured. Making him anxious about it and pressure to come is only going to make it harder for him to come. It does. It really, like when Nick breaks down the timeline and, you know, the experience with

the last girlfriend, it all feels very genuinely on course and pretty normal. And yeah. Yeah. I would, I'd just give it some time and just suss it out. Meanwhile, keep dating, eventually ask more questions. Maybe have them masturbate in front of you, as Rochelle said. That's great. Just make them feel comfortable. Women need to feel comfortable in sex, but so do men. And when you're in a

relationship, it's just all about communication and talking and making each other feel comfortable. And when you are comfortable, you can be freaks and come all the time. Yeah. Awesome. we've done pretty well with that but we'll keep trying and everything wonderful all right thanks for your time yeah thank you guys all right bye-bye bye that was great yeah i it's funny because i do think they're we talk about this a lot and in of people not talking. It's just men are definitely more guilty of not being thoughtful in terms of what a woman needs.

I just think you guys probably weren't taught to for so long. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I don't know. I can honestly say I've never experienced that. And I go back to the story of someone telling me early on. Your origin story. My origin story of like, hey, stop singing or banging. You're like, that's not cool, bro.

Wait, what happened? Oh, so many times. We've shared this. I was one of my first girlfriends. I was still a virgin at the time, but we're messing around and going to all the bases and putting our hands down each other's pants. And I was putting my hand in her in a way that wasn't enjoyable and it was like we're just yanking each other basically and a couple weeks later one of her friends like at school

in gym class pulled me aside and was just like hey you're doing it wrong and I was like mortified at first but she did it in a way that made me feel not threatened. And she like taught me how. And like, other than also learning how to do it, made me realize that all I have to do is ask questions. And it made me feel comfortable with communicating. And also made me want to make sure that she was happy. Because at an early age, I was told, you're doing something. I was thinking I was the man. And then I was told I was not the man.

You're bruising her insides um and so I just wanted to you know I realized that I had to do things the right way to have her enjoy it and her enjoying it mattered to me you know I don't know if that's that was something so I was you know my mom my mom didn't sit me down like, make sure she comes. But my mom certainly taught me how to like meet women, like to be like respectful and like make sure that like I saw my dad, my dad's whole life. I saw my dad just make my mom a number. My mom was always my dad's number one priority. Always.

That philosophy, I don't know. But to your point, I think guys, yeah. But at the same time, women, as young women, I think they're told this and so then all of a sudden

if it doesn't happen, they feel like they're doing something wrong and they have all these questions and then it's just like, it's not your job, women, to get necessarily guys off all the time.

It's your job as a couple to hopefully climax together and if it doesn't happen, it's okay. Yeah, climax together. That's like a unicorn situation. Not at the same time. Not at all the time. It's your job as a couple to hopefully climax together. And if it doesn't happen, it's okay. Yeah, climax together. That's like a unicorn situation. Not at the same time. Same time, same time, same time. But like, it's okay.

If one person, guy or girl, says, it's not going to happen tonight, that's fine. I think the worst thing you can do is get frustrated or make it about you. In this situation, if it happens, if it's like it becomes an ongoing thing, sure. Start like asking questions and then maybe eventually it's okay to say,

I kind of need that. You know, I want it on my face. Like, ah, you know, I don't know. Hey. Well, Ariel, thanks for calling in. I'm Nick. This is Shug. Rochelle's also with us. And what can we help you out with Ariel? So, uh, my question for you guys is, uh, uh,

I feel like in today's society, guys are kind of expected to crave sex or love sex or just kind of always be of a sexual mindset. But what about for guys who don't experience that? How can they feel empowered and normal in today's society? Is this something that you're experiencing with someone personally that's making you ask this question yes can you can you tell that story for us sure so um my uh boyfriend has um kind of always experience something similar to this. He's just not that into it. That's not how his brain works. That's not what motivates him.

It's not how he feels connected to people. And he's been in casual relationships, and he's also been in deep, intimate relationships. And we're kind of in the process of getting engaged, relationships, you know, and he's also been in deep, intimate relationships. And, you know, we're kind of in the process of getting engaged and like we're headed that way. And like, even with me, it's not how he feels connected or loved. And, you know, he just struggles in society, I think, to feel normal. You know, he goes to work and, you know, all the guys are joking around and, you know, like, oh, you know, I'm gonna have sex three times a day or whatever. And he's just like, am I supposed to want that? Like,

I don't like, you know, and so as his partner, like, you know, I struggled to kind of figure out how I can empower him and just make him feel normal and loved in a way that he understands, you know? So speaking about, I'm curious about, I mean, we'll get into his work or friends thing, but the most important thing is your relationship with him. the most important thing is your relationship with, with him. Uh, how are you feeling about it? You know, in terms of, I mean, it's okay to say, are you struggling with his lack of desire for sex? Right. I mean, yeah, it's hard, you know, cause, uh, you know, obviously I have desires and, um, it's hard because it's like, I know that he doesn't desire it. But then when he gives it or offers it, it's like, are you really doing this for us as a couple?

Or are you just doing this because you think that it's something that I want? You know, you're trying to make you know me happy which if you know that's the case like that doesn't make me happy because you know that's not that's not really desired and you know that you know that he's always struggled with this or that's i mean how many serious relationships has he been in before you um he's probably been with like 10 to 12 partners prior to me okay how old are you guys um we're i'm 26 and he's uh 25 okay so um he's been in probably one other serious relationship prior to me. And according to him, that's kind of just, this is

his MO. Yeah, I mean, he always says like, you know, when he was younger, you know, obviously going through puberty and stuff like, yeah, it was, you know, it was fun or whatever, but he said he burned out on it really quickly. whatever but he said he burned right he said he burned out

on it really quickly what was he doing at 25 I mean 25 is pretty youthful still in terms of from a man's sexual like normally most 25 year old men still have pretty

healthy sex drives but all people are different. Some guys are more sexually driven than others. But listen, as far as you're concerned, I don't think it's wrong for you to want more sex. In terms of how to empower him, there is a balance between, you know, listen, whether he's into it or not,

like he's still a guy. And sometimes guys from, to your point, you know, listen, whether he's into it or not, like he's still a guy. And sometimes guys from, to your point, society standpoint, kind of feel a bit judged or shamed in a way of not being manly enough if they don't want to have sex. And then they get defensive and that's never helpful in those types of situations. So there is a balance between making sure he meets your needs versus you not making him feel like less of a man because he doesn't want to when you're frustrated. You said something earlier about not wanting him, like it doesn't, if he doesn't want to have sex. I mean, I get that you want him to want to have sex, but if he has sex with you, if he's intimate with you,

there's something there that makes him want to do that. And if that is to please you, I wouldn't, if I were you, see that as a negative, right? I mean, relationships all the time are built off of doing things selflessly for the person you love. I mean, quite honestly, any real relationship isn't going to stand the test of time if you are willing to do, if you aren't willing to do selfless things. I mean, it's great to find a partner, right, Shug? Like if, oh yeah, we love all the same things, but that's not, you know, sex aside, like having everything in common and always wanting to do the same thing all the time is great, but sometimes you have to do things because your partner wants

to do them. And I guess what I'm saying is if he wants to have sex, if he wants to get you off, if he wants to do things that you enjoy, I think it would behoove you to stop obsessing over does he really want to do this or not, right? You may not have the crazy sex life that other couples might have. And then you'll just have to decide, is this someone you want to be with knowing that sex isn't going to play a big part of your relationship? But I think in the short term to help him out is to not make him feel stressed. Enjoy the moment when you guys have sex. If he does things, if you guys have some foreplay, get out of your head whether he wants to do it or not, because that's the one only going

to make him feel more stressed. Well, do you really want to do this for me? Like, what do you want me to say? We're doing it. You know, like if I were dating someone and she wants me to go to a Broadway show, I'm not really into it. But like, I take her to a Broadway show.

Let's say, you know, I want to do this nice thing. And the whole time she's just like, well, do you really want to go? Because if you don't really want to go, I don't really want to take you. I'm like, well, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie and pretend I'm super into Broadway? Or do you just want me to be happy that I'm spending this night with you and having fun? And I think a big part of that too is the more that you can get out of your head in

those moments while you guys are intimate and the more fun that you're having and the more that you're having and the more that you enjoy it, you know, and if you're, you know, screaming your head off and having the greatest time, I think he probably will find new inspiration and maybe want to do it for you even more. And maybe it's, you know, not so much about him needing to get his rocks off as much as it's about enjoying watching his wife love it so much, you know, so I think that he can maybe even come to find a new enjoyment of sex being that it's for you. Like, I think that there is something modern and unique about that approach to it too.

You know, like there's just so much to do in sex that if, you know, somebody's not wanting to like, you know, bang all day, but they maybe want to really make you feel pleasure. I just think that there's so many kinds of ways around it and that conversation can get on the table. I personally understand where he's coming from. I just went through a full year where I just didn't really feel a lot of desire and I didn't want to, you know, I just didn't really want to have intimacy. It just, it just fell really far down on my intimacy, on my priority list, really far down to the bottom where I wasn't even thinking about it. And I can see where that would be hard to be in a relationship and, and, and, and prioritize that. But I do think that

there's a way. I just have to ask just because I don't quite understand that he burnt himself out. So was he, was he pretty sexually active earlier in his life? Yes. A lot. I mean, cause like, well, I mean, listen, listen, I would say 10 partners before the age of 25 is a pretty average and solid number in terms of certainly, I mean, there's people who've had a lot more sex, but he's certainly not anti-sex. He's out there. He's meeting people. He's doing it.

And I'm curious about what's changed for him. Yeah. What are his passions right now? I'm curious to hear about that. What is he putting his desire towards? Um, I mean, right now I think a lot of his focus is just on like work and, you know, building our life together and, um, just kind of entering into adulthood, if you will. Is that, how's everything else in the relationship? I mean, in terms of like

time and quality time and enjoyable moments else in the relationship? I mean, in terms of time and quality time and enjoyable moments minus the sex part. I mean, how's everything else? Yeah, the rest of the relationship is amazing. No complaints whatsoever. So it's not like he's too... Well, you say he's focused on work, but you're spending time together.

You're doing things. He's meeting those needs. So you're just time together. You're doing things. He's meeting those needs. So you're just not having sex a lot. Yeah. Okay. So I don't get the whole work. I don't get the whole I'm focused on work. Yeah, we find ways to be emotionally intimate in other ways,

just by spending time together or experiencing things together, dreaming about the future, things like that. Are you, when you, you brought up the work stuff and his buddies talking about sex and blah, blah, blah. Has he shared that with you that guys talk about that and it makes him uncomfortable? Or are you assuming this is going on? No, he's brought it up. Um, you know,

he just feels kind of like a fish out of water and, um, today's society, you know, he just feels kind of like a fish out of water. Okay. And today's society, you know, which is like he says that he kind of just lies about it and pretends like he's the same as, you know, his peers and the young men around him. But at the end of the day, he's just not. It sounds sincere. I'm sorry, go ahead.

I was just going to say like it's hard for him to own that because it's not perceived as normal in today's society. Yeah. I mean, it sounds sincere. And the only reason why I ask this question, because I'm sure there might be people who are listening who are like, oh, he's cheating on you. If he's not having sex with you, he's having sex without someone else. And it doesn't seem like that's the case because it seems like he's just maybe not that into sex and you are spending time together and doing things. And it's not like you're not sensing that. Back to your original question is you are his girlfriend, hopefully his fiance and maybe wife someday. And that empowerment really is going to come from you

because at the end of the day, if you're in a relationship, that doesn't matter. You know, from you. Because at the end of the day, if you're in a relationship, that doesn't matter. In terms of like, you don't like those guys, if he's 25, he's still young and guys nowadays are even younger and they'll grow up and he should get that conference from you. And so, the best way you can do that again is back to don't make him feel like he's doing something wrong because he doesn't want to have as much sex. And so don't get defensive or just like, again, I'm just repeating myself now. Enjoy the moments you do have sex. If you want to go to a sex therapist or a counselor or seek counseling, that's something you guys can look into as well. I don't know if he'll get defensive about that, but at least to explore

things. But if he's just not into it, then he just might not be into it. But being supportive as his partner is something you can always and should do and enjoy the moments that you do have and don't get frustrated at them. And really like outside of the two of you, your sexual habits are nobody's business. And it's just not on a, you know,

it's on such a huge sliding scale, sexuality. So there's just no right or wrong. And I think that, you know, you can find a lot of ways to support that and to celebrate it too. And I imagine that, you know, those 25 year old bros that he's talking to at work, I bet they don't have the level of emotional intimacy that you guys have. And, you know, I'm sure that if they're like, yo, I just, you know, I ate her out for five hours. And he's like, yeah, well, I talked to my fiance for six. You know, I'm sure that that won't land with the young boys. But, you know, but that is true.

And like, what an incredible thing. So I think the more that you focus on his strengths that really don't come up a lot in men that age I think would be my guess that him sharing that with you too could him just be not necessarily projecting but like running it by you because again it might be just he just in feels he might feel insecure about what you think of him and so he's telling these stories about what the guys are talking about at work and trying to see what you say. So it all comes down to, listen,

if you're in a committed relationship, whether you're into sex or not, he probably wants to make you happy and make you feel satisfied. And if he's sensing that you're not, that probably is going to bother him. So you guys, as a couple, have to find a middle ground. And you have to, whether that is getting therapy bother him. So you guys as a couple have to find a middle ground and you have to, whether that is getting therapy or talking. My biggest takeaway from you, again, I've said this,

is stop getting frustrated and over questioning whether he really wants to go down on you or have sex or if he's willing to do it and he wants to make you happy and get you off, be excited about that. That's cool. Like, all right. Because like, heck, there's a lot of girls out there who are guys that just want to do their thing and get off and you know what, they're not, they're not really focused on her needs anyway. So if he's just there to please you, then that's, that's not a bad thing. I wouldn't take that as like, well, he doesn't, you know, he doesn't want to do the dishes. Again, who wants to do dishes? He's doing the dishes.

So just be happy you have someone trying and don't ever make him feel judged for being different. And girl, enjoy that. Enjoy the time when it comes. Yeah. Or when you come or when he comes. Just enjoy the coming. When there's coming, get the dishes done.

Hopefully you find that helpful, Ariel. Well, thanks, guys. Thanks for your time. Hi. Hi. What is your name? I'm Rachel.

Hi, Rachel. I'm Nick. I'm Michelle. Hi, Rachel. I'm Nick. Hi, Nick. Hello. Rochelle. Hi. How can we help you, Rachel? Well, my question is mostly just about making out, to be honest. And I mean like both on its own, maybe to end a first date, also, like, leading into more.

Because even though I consider myself, like, pretty sex positive, I often find myself, like, just wanting to make out when a guy wants to jump right to sex. And so I guess I'm wondering just, like, is making out still cool and how you make it, like, cool and fun and enough? like cool and fun and enough um and the only distinction i really want to make before you answer is like i don't think i'm just talking about boundaries because i'm pretty good at setting my boundaries i think i'm more talking about expectations of what both of us want to happen because my end goal isn't like that he wants sex but is willing to stop like along the way at making out i think like i'm ideally talking about both of us down to start just like kissing and having fun and like actually enjoying that and seeing where it goes without like the expectation of where it's gonna lead um and that's just like not my lived experience of what the other person is sure how old are you

the other person is expecting. How old are you? 23. Okay. I don't know what you think, Shug, but my experience is I don't think this is something that's changed with times. I think we were talking about this earlier. Men have, especially younger men, have always been a little hornier, a little faster than women. We talked about this with sex with Emily. I disagree with that sentiment. You think as 18 year old, I don't know, I guess maybe you tell me as 18 year old women. I think that's a falsehood. Yeah. Okay. Maybe it's the double standard of, okay, fine. Sex with Emily. I guess my point is like men are frying pans. Women are slow cookers kind of thing. Right. Yeah. I think that's always been the case.

Fair enough? Yeah. Okay. And I think as young people, I guess guys don't really sometimes know. You know, we have sex with Emily here still, you know, coming here reminding us that men are frying pans and women are slow cookers, right?

And I think just this, that idea that men are, as soon as you kiss them and they're aroused and they find you attractive, they're pretty much ready, you know, in the sense that like, let's do it. Right. And I think as men, we, we still, there's still a lot to learn about, like, there's a lot of things you can do besides just penetration and having sex. And to your point, I do think men do maybe appreciate those intimate moments that Rachel's talking about. Like, let's just kiss and make out and be in that moment first. Men are kind of always ready to just pounce when they're attracted to someone.

And so part of it is about setting boundaries. And it sounds like you're good at that, but you may never necessarily get a guy who wants the same thing as you in that moment. We had this in an earlier call, like expectations, right? Like, I mean, it's good that you set your boundaries, but is a guy going to want to necessarily make out as long as you want to make out and you're going to feel that sense that he wants to? I don't know if that's going to be the case, but there is a part of maybe him just realizing, hey man,

hey buddy, slow down. I want to, and sometimes men need to be coached up by women sometimes that, you know, hey, I will get to there maybe, but in the meantime.

In the middle, just go, hey, what are your grandfather's balls look like? And he'll be like, oh, I just lost my erection. And then you slow down and then start up again. Yeah, but I mean, Rachel's talking about, she wants to have these intimate moments

and that's the struggle. It's having the intimate moments that you're desiring without always having it to immediately lead to the expectation of sex, right? And it sounds like you're feeling like as soon as you make out with a guy, you can sense that he's just immediately trying to go up your shirt or go down your pants or take your clothes off, right? Is that accurate?

And you would appreciate if a guy would just look at you, kiss you, and just enjoy that kiss and enjoy that moment and maybe let you unbutton his pants whenever it is you're ready. That sounds really nice. And I will just say that us men need to do a better job of that. And sometimes it just, especially early in our life, it takes a woman like you with a young guy to just say, hey, listen, I don't know what you've been doing when you're 18 or 19, but I can tell you all the women you've been with before would appreciate it if had you done this and do that. And sometimes we just need to learn because sometimes we're not getting it from our parents. I think parents are doing a better job, but even my parents,

we didn't talk about sex like that. I mean, my parents told me about sex. They also told me not to do it. So the whole idea of what I should be doing when I was starting to get sexually active wasn't coming from my parents. And so you just need to try to talk to them because men have a tendency of getting carried away and getting anxious. And like you said, it's not about boundaries, it's about them checking in, but sometimes it's that fine line. And I think we've learned that through conversations and we're learning it now more in these kind of me too times is that what's that fine line between making out and then a guy like doing that, right? You know, you go up the shirt or you take it out

and then she's like, okay, but deep down she's not really okay. Right. You had to coerce her. Well, not necessarily it's coerced. Like I don't think any, I think most of these men talking and don't feel like they're coercing or would ever say that they were coerce her. Well, not necessarily coerce. I think most of these men talking don't feel like they're coercing or would ever say that they were coercing. They feel like that's the next step and she goes along with it. I don't think that's necessarily fair to say these guys are coercing. I'm sure it happens sometimes.

Well, I'm thinking if you say, I don't want to have sex and then they try to get you to. Well, sure. Yes. I'm not even talking about that. I think like what Rachel's talking about is you start making out, it's hot and heavy, guy gets an erection and then all he's like, he's putting his hand up her shirt and she just kind of goes along with it. She doesn't say anything.

And he's like, okay. And he kind of checks in and maybe she wishes she, it wouldn't go quite there. Maybe she just wishes we were just making out, but she goes along with it. All I'm saying is it just comes down to communication. Your part, I don't think you should feel bad speaking up. And that doesn't make you a bitch. It doesn't make you not wanting to have sex. You can do in a way that doesn't make him,

you could just say, hey, listen, buddy, you're really hot. I want to get there. Let's just enjoy each other. You know? Yeah, I definitely, I remember at your age, like it definitely was such a game of like bringing them to the edge and being like, no, no, and having to constantly be like,

slow down, pushing the hand away. You know, they're trying to get into your pants and they're trying to move it around. And I think as women, it's okay to be understanding that of what Nick said listen they they're ready to go their their anatomy their bodies they want the full shebang they really do and I think that we need to have understanding of that as well as a really beautiful confident voice and physical movements of like no I'm not yet. I don't want to yet. And it doesn't have to be like, no, like stop. It could just be like, I'm not. Yeah. It's like,

no, you know, that is still no, but also it is a conversation. Hopefully he's just like, okay, you know, and believe you me, they will try again and again. And as long as they resist, you're, okay. You're still in the powerful space. And I think that when it becomes a relationship and you start really, you know, communicating with each other, if it's just a make out or a one night kind of make out, a party make out, there's going to be a lot of pushing of the hands. But you can also start out being like, hey, you have to let me lead here. You know, like there's a way for you to be like, let's go at my pace, okay? You know, like there's a way for you to communicate that, I think.

And just being bold and not afraid to do that. Men are going to want to fuck you. Like that's just kind of the way that it's going to go. You're, you know. Rochelle's just like, oh, fine. No, I just mean, I just feel like that pushing the hand away thing. I feel like maybe we can change that. Like I don't, if you say no,

I feel like they shouldn't keep trying in an ideal world. But do you know what I mean? Like when you're making out, right? And they go and they go and they try to take your hands off. Yeah, and if you push your hand away. And then you keep making out, right? You keep making out and you're feeling all over and they're getting overtaken by what they want to do.

I just think that we need to have an understanding that these are, you know, these men are, listen, they might try again, but why are we being defeated by them trying again? Let me ask you this, Rochelle. Like in a situation, what Rachel's talking about, the making out, right?

We're talking about men being frying pans and women being slow cookers, right? And so let's say Rachel's making about, the making out, right? We're talking about men being frying pans and women being slow cookers, right? And so let's say Rachel's making out with a guy and within the first 15 seconds, he tries to go up her shirt. And Rachel's like, whoa, puts her hands away. And he's like, okay. But 15 minutes later, Rachel's more into it.

She's made out for 15 minutes. She's hot. She's into it. She wants him to go up her shirt. Does he have to ask? Does she have to give him the okay? Or does he kind of like try to read her? It's a little bit more confusing and gray than what you guys are talking.

And all I'm saying, I see both sides. And I think it is just about communication. If it would be great if Rachel, that's actually as a guy, that's hot. If a girl grabbed my hand and put it up, that would be great if Rachel, that's actually as a guy, that's hot. If a girl grabbed my hand and put it up, that would be hot. But again, I don't know if young people even feel confident about that. I would love for people to talk about sex

and young people and be open about that as much so that there is less and less confusion. I think it comes from both sides. That's all I'm saying is as a guy, it can be sometimes like, well, does she want me to do it now? I, you know, and like some women aren't feeling confident enough to do that, to grab the guy's hand for all you women out there grabbing a, like showing a guy what to do on you is hot. It's super sexy.

Taking the lead in that manner is hot. Like, like as a guy, I like to, you know, take the lead in that manner is hot like like as a guy I like to you know take the lead so to speak but there's something about like her showing what you want I find sexy especially early in a relationship and I think and it's a hard it's just what I'm saying is like it's a hard thing for both men and women when you're when you're young to learn body language to learn body signs like if I'm'm pushing my chest up into them and like I've learned how to communicate without words now, right? Like I know how to indicate that I want something to be touched and that I, you know, don't want the other thing to be touched, but I just think it takes time to learn to read those signs. I'm not saying that,

listen, if you say no, don't touch me and don't unbutton my pants, and you're just kissing, and then he tries again and pushes up on you, get the fucking guy out of your—get the fuck out of that car. Get out, you know? But before that, if you're getting more passionate, and there could be some confusion about the level of passion you're hitting, I think it's understandable to have to be like, yo, I'm not going to get there. Do not try to open my pants again. You know, like it's just all communication and strength. Rochelle, you seem, yeah, go ahead.

I'm just, this is just like, I don't know. It's just upsetting. Upsetting? Or what is your different, you have a different point of view? That's fine. No, I'm just tired of the boys will be boys. Oh, they'll just do what they want. We just have to keep pushing them away.

But who's saying boys will be boys here? I just felt like that was the sentiment Suge was saying. That's just what they'll do. They'll push up on you. But even when we had Emily here, we were just talking about what Dr. Emily talked about is that men are different than women and here's

how we have to understand each other where we're coming from first. First understanding it. And then we communicate based off of acknowledging our differences, right? And so there's no one saying, boys will be boys and that's okay. And they're allowed to like,

they're allowed to do it again after you say, no, that's certainly not my point. But yeah, but there might be some women, I don't know, I can't speak. I don't know, you go, women tell me, like, do you sometimes want a guy to take charge? And just because you weren't ready the first 15 seconds doesn't mean you're not ready 15 minutes later, right? Is that fair? Yeah, yeah. Can I add something too? Yeah, please. Sorry, we're totally just arguing.

I'm sorry we're totally just arguing. Just the other sort of part is like I know because you're talking, Nick, a lot about what to do in the moment when, you know, 15 seconds in, whatever. But I think I'm also thinking about before anything even happens, particularly with dating apps where like when someone asks the other when I ask somebody out on a date or they ask me out on a date. I ask somebody out on a date or they ask me out on a date. I've been on enough first dates where the guy's expecting sex that like part of me wants to set up the expectation beforehand that that's not going to happen. But there already are so many issues with dating apps being organic that I'm not like trying to, I mean, I get that the point of going on a date is like you see if you get along and you see where it goes. So I'm not trying to prescribe exactly how it has to go but i also would love to be like let me

expect that work well let me ask you this when you say men are expecting sex on a first date i mean i guess fine let's just assume a bulk of men on first dates that you meet on dating up are expecting it but regardless of their expectations it's pretty easy to not put yourself in a situation. Like don't, you know, like if you definitely don't want to hook up on a first date, you go out for a drink or maybe dinner and it ends there. I'm not saying you are allowed to go to his house afterwards and not feel like you should have sex.

I'm not saying that. But at the same time, if you definitely don't want to, it's probably like, I wouldn't go home to a guy's house. You know, like I wouldn't go to dinner, have drinks, and then go to his house for more drinks. You can if you want to, and you don't have to have sex. I'm not saying that, but. We've talked about this, about the first date being a coffee.

Yeah. Like if you, the minute that on an app, you're like, hey, if he's like, let's grab a drink. And you're like, actually, I'd love to grab a coffee. Yeah. Like if you, if the minute that on an app, you're like, Hey, if he's like, let's grab a drink and you're like, actually, I'd love to grab a coffee tomorrow. They will bail if they're just trying to sleep with you. Exactly. Keep it simple. Like, yeah, the simpler you make it set up expectations. Like if, if you don't want to have, like, if you're like, I don't want to have sex all the time on a first date. And then on a first date, you're like, well, why don't you just come over and Netflix with me? You are allowed to Netflix and you were allowed to say no, but a guy's going to go in there assuming she might want to have sex. So I personally, those dating apps,

you just have no energy exchange. How do you know if you like the person? Yeah, get a couple calls, keep it simple. There's truly two ways of doing it. Either the person or you or whomever is trying to hook up and they're using it as a sex thing or they're really looking to find their partner. And I really truly think that this coffee thing or tea or whatever or a daytime, I think it's the way to crack that code because you're right, it's full of a lot of people that have those expectations.

Who's having coffee and then being like, hey, do you want to come over to my place? It's 6.30 in the evening. Really? Like it just invites such a nice gradual get to know you. You have a conversation over coffee. And then if he's like, you know what? I'm having such a great time.

Do you want to go? Grab some food? You have a coffee at like three to like, again, depending on your work life or in LA or talking, you know, uh, but like, and drinks are fine too. You know, like it's a Saturday afternoon coffee or something like that. And drinks are fine. I agree with sugar. I like a good coffee or tea drink. Do you just, the point is keep it simple just because guys are expecting sex. You can put yourself in a situation where you can vet

that out, I think is our point. And so that, you have that option. You may never get to a point, and I think we just have to acknowledge that biologically, men and women are different, right? So they, men might be a little bit more hopeful early on. Women have, not all, because some guys aren't as, more, some women are more about sex early on and some guys want to like talk, you know, but generally speaking, you might run into more men trying to fuck on the first date, you know, than women. And that's fine if they want to,

but just put yourself in situations where you don't have to worry about that stress. Yeah. You know, then you're not stressing out about it. Then you're not like, is he going to invite me over? Should I go over? Will he think I'm a, you know, just don't even make that an option. I just want to say something because I relate to you a lot. And I think like,

if you struggle with boundaries here, you probably are struggling with boundaries and asking for what you want, what you need in your life outside of like sex and dating as well. And it's hard as a woman, especially when you're a nice person, you're a people pleaser, to really like say what you want and be okay, maybe even hurting someone else's feelings. So I just encourage you to keep developing that skill. And I will say like any guy worth his salt who likes you won't have his feelings hurt by you saying,

I don't want to do this right now, but I look forward to next time. Oh, and they also won't have their feelings hurt if you leave I've certainly been on dates where it ends in a kiss and the kiss can go anywhere and you know what I do, I'm like, you kiss?

you kiss for a sec? and then I'm like, okay, great the truth is the more you say no it works like a charm the more you make them wait, if they really like you, the more they'll stick around. And again, I've also said in other dates, if you want to have sex in the first date, that's great too. I'm not saying what's right or wrong.

But if you don't want to, you waiting isn't going to make guys worth your time not like you 100%. There hasn't been a single guy in the world who really liked a girl and he said, and she said, I'm just not ready right now. And he's like, well, I don't want to. That's a guy who doesn't, isn't worth your time. But if he likes you and he's attracted to you and he thinks you're nice and funny, he's going to go home and tell his buddies, I met a nice girl. You know, not, not, not having sex is also a great option too. And if you want to have sex, great, have sex. That's entirely up to you. And just one more thought too.

If you are feeling like your voice isn't as strong as you would like it to be in setting boundaries when you don't feel safe, it is so important for you to take it at your own pace, which is going to be slow, and for you to learn it at your own pace, which is going to be slow and for you to learn to trust the person. So a person who maybe is like, oh, I'm not sure that I have my voice. One night stands just aren't for you. It's going to crush you. You'll get into sticky situations. I think like learning that about yourself is that you need to trust this person to be able to set boundaries with them, take the time to get to know them.

Again, back to the coffee idea. And you can do that with strangers and do it. You need to grow. They're fucking strangers. Like it's just you don't know that person. You know, of course we don't feel – of course not everyone feels comfortable having sex with somebody. It's a stranger. You don't know them.

Take your time. Yeah. And like – But thanks for listening. I know we've been rambling while you've been just wondering. No, this is a great topic. And I think this is something that needs to be talked about more. And again, it sounds like you've gotten a little discouraged, especially on dating apps, of these expectations and then almost kind of getting discouraged about men in general and their desire to just want to have sex so quickly. Just help yourself in that sense of put yourself in situations that you're comfortable with. And then you will increase the odds of hanging out with guys that you're looking for, I think

is the best takeaway. And sometimes simplifying that first date is a great first step. odds of hanging out with guys that you're looking for, I think is the best takeaway. And sometimes simplifying that first date is a great first step. Here's what I wouldn't do, to answer your question. On the dating app, don't be like, I don't want to have sex on the first date. If you're just looking to fuck, I'm not your girl. Don't say that. You don't need to say that. There's other ways of doing this to avoid that conversation. And that is getting a cup of coffee and just leaving it at coffee and then taking it slow. You can take control of the dating situation. Tell them what you want to do. I'm available for coffee.

Don't get in their car. Don't like have them pick you up. Like there's, these are very important. If a guy asks you out, do you want to get together? Be like, sure. I'm available for coffee at blah, blah, blah. If he's like, well, you don't want to get more. Listen, I'm available for coffee. Take control. Don't let him, if you know, well, I only want to do dinner and drinks. Well, if a guy's not willing to get a cup of coffee with you and he insists on dinner and drinks, that's a red flag. Swipe left. Totally. Yeah. So to control

your situation, I think that'll help out. And there's plenty of guys out there. We just also sometimes need some help from you guys to slow us down. Thanks for your time, Rachel. Thank you. Listen, those are really good calls. And I think as we've shown

with some of the differences in the room, actually, I don't think there's really of a difference of opinion. These are tough conversations to have. And there's a lot of just confusion. And there is a big difference between understanding that men and women are different and the whole boys will be boys mentality. There's a huge difference. And I think it can change where men are a little bit more aware of, sorry to interrupt you. Totally. I mean, yes, we're talking about people changing and men and women becoming more cognizant of what makes the other sex tick and how to have better sexual experiences.

We're never going to change how men and women are biologically different, right? That's just the fact. It's understanding those differences and then going from there. And again, like here's Rachel getting discouraged because these guys are being the guys and that's not okay. And I'm not saying that's an excuse, but putting herself in situations that make it easier for her to be less discouraged. And then communicating with the right men that she's willing to like go home with to still say, slow down. And then just being open about sex. I just, it's, it's sometimes uncomfortable for young people to talk about these things. And so they don't. And then that's where the confusion and trouble sets in. I totally agree. And, and, you know, another point is like, everybody's different. And sometimes I'm

like, I wish I could just sprinkle my hood, you know, my hood rat-dom on all of the women to be like, just fucking cut a bitch if he tries to get you. You know what I mean? Which not everybody's going to do. So knowing ourselves and knowing the pace that we need to go. You calling yourself a hood rat is very funny. She's a little G sometimes, you know? Comes out of me sometimes. But even to your part, Rochelle, it's not in your nature.

The people plays are, I've gotten to know you. Minus the sex stuff, I always encourage you to have more of a voice and things like that. But that's just a personal, and that's fine too. It's wonderful. The self-awareness about that changes.

Everyone's different that way. And that's why these conversations never get old and always need to keep happening because we just need to do a better job. And when we start pointing fingers, I think that's when people get defensive and then people aren't talking about it and things like that.

What is your name? I'm Mariah. Hi, Mariah. I'm Nick. This is Suge. And we have Rochelle here as well. Hi. Hey.

Hi, guys. How can we help you, Mariah? So I have been in a relationship for about two years now. I met this guy on Tinder, and I think it was like a day after my 18th birthday we met, and we started dating. Eight months into our relationship, I moved to Alaska with him for his work. And then about a year, a little over a year into our relationship, we got married. Part of the reason why we got married was a little bit of like religious

pressure. I felt I needed medical insurance. And then just he was the first guy that I had ever seriously dated. So I felt like those first relationship, you know, a thing that you have with people. But a little bit into the relationship, a lot of I don't know if I'd call them red flags, but things kind of started happening that haven't gone away over the span of the two years. kind of started happening that haven't gone away over the span of the two years. He has a very hard time being intimate, as in like even with like words of affirmation or sex. That's a huge issue for us. I think one time he told me I would rather literally do anything in the world than have sex with you right now. So that none of these problems have ever really gotten better. And even like two weeks into our relationship, um, it just kind of, we never even had a honeymoon phase or anything. So now I'm kind of at the point where I'm only 20. Um, I've been married for a year and a half and I don't feel very happy, but I feel like

I don't have like justifiable reasons for not being happy because he takes care of me financially and is there for me in other ways, but it's more like a roommate relationship, not really husband and wife dynamic. Okay. Um, you mentioned, um, medical bills and things like that. Like, or is that something you're able to share in terms of, was that a serious traumatic event or like what's going on there? Yeah, actually. So I had a relapse with lymphoma. It's a form of cancer.

Sure. And I had it first when I was 14. And now I just this year, I've been getting treatment for it again. So that's kind of been a crazy thing because I cannot work right now. So it's like, I don't feel like I have that. I don't know. You know, I don't feel like I can leave if I feel unhappy because it's like I'm dependent on him.

Uh, where's your family in all this? Um, so we moved back to Ohio. That's where we live now. And my family lives like 20 minutes away from us, but they have not been my biggest supporters. They have been kind of judgmental about the relationship just because I come from a very, very religious family. So they haven't been supporters with the relationship, not necessarily you as a person.

Yeah, they're not really supportive. I mean, they're parents, they're there, but just there's a lot of pressure on me and not a lot of acceptance. So I don't feel like I can really go to them. Pressure to do what? To stay in a relationship, to make things work, kind of because a lot of the issues we have I knew about before we got married. But a lot of the reason why I got married was that religious pressure of oh we can't be having sex outside of marriage gotcha so they want you to stay in the relationship no matter what um yeah and and where are you if you're able to share kind of from a health standpoint now

is are things in remission are you doing like how's that like what's the like how much are you how much is that a factor in your decision? And why can't your insurance be under your parents until you're like 25? Well, so I had a bone marrow transplant in February, and that's where they basically knock your health to like zero, and then you start to build yourself back up. And that's done with, so that's why i have hair growth now i got you got a very pretty face you look very good with this haircut and if you never

grow your hair any longer you could still kill it i truly was like listen to this girl making all these bold choices in this dope ass haircut i was like oh it looks good thank you before um i got sick actually i'd never cut my hair so it was like really edgy I don't know I mean yeah anyways I'm sidetracked well thank you I appreciate that but uh yeah so so I guess I asked this question is like let's just be real here how much is your health and your future like I guess from a little bit I know you're never really out of the woods. And then again, you've talked about having a relapse. So are you feeling more confident going forward that they've kind of figured this out? Or is this something that you have a real fear that this

is going to happen again? So anytime that you have a relapse, you're kind of knocked off your feet. You're like, dang, I'm not as invincible as I thought I was going to be. I think I'm handling it like a boss, but you never know with cancer. You never really know. And they're trying to do everything they can to make sure that it doesn't come back. But that fear is always going to be in the back of my mind. I want to be that powerful woman that's like, okay, I'm going to go get my own career. I'm not going to rely on a man. I'm not going to worry about these medical issues, but it's almost like just for this period, maybe even for the rest of the year, I don't, I, I feel, I feel like I have nowhere else to go. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Uh, I, did you go to college? Probably

not. You're, are you going to college? No, not currently. I'm a writer and I want to get a book published, but everything's been put on hold right now. Sure. Yeah. I mean, so you've had to deal with a lot. So that's good. I mean, quite honestly, you're killing it. You're doing a lot of great things. I don't know you very well, but I can safely assume you've had to endure and face more and get through more than most people your age. Which means you're capable of virtually anything you really want to do. I would remember that when you start feeling stuck and trapped, that that's just your own fears and insecurities coming because you're not, right? It sucks to not necessarily always feel the love and support of your family.

And I'm sorry for that. Or to be in a relationship where you feel like it's your roommate. Religion aside and things like that, I just want to emphasize that you are so super young. And listen, I understand no one wants, no one thinks they're going to get married and then divorced. And then it feels like you have a scarlet letter for some people, especially if

you're from a religious family to feel that judgment, whatever, fuck it. Like life's too short, especially if you're someone who's had to face cancer that like at the end of the day, religious aside, like you're not going to go to heaven or hell based on the fact that you got married at 19 and it didn't work out. Like I, whatever, I'm not God. So I'm not going to go to heaven or hell based on the fact that you got married at 19 and it didn't work out. Whatever. I'm not God, so I'm not here to say what's going to get you into heaven or hell, but I can safely assume that there's a lot more to it than just that, right? You got married super young for a lot of extenuating circumstances. And there's something to be said about fighting for relationship. And I encourage you to fight for the relationship you have and the vows that you took to each other. But if he's not going to do a hundred percent of his half, right? And if he's saying cruel and

meaningful and hurtful things, like I'd rather do anything than have sex with you. That's fine. If he's not in the mood, he doesn't have to say something that can make you feel like it's you. That, you know, I don't know. I honestly don't know if it's him or if he's just not into it or he's just like something about your health concern. I don't know. But he should never, as your husband, make you feel not desirable. And there's a million ways to make someone feel desirable that doesn't have anything to do with sex. And I think every person deserves that, men and women. And if you're not getting that, that's something you should, no matter if you're married or not, you have a right to always expect that. And if you're not getting

it and you've tried to fix it, whether it's through therapy or counseling and communication, and they refuse to do anything about that, then you have the right to like have a life and have a happy life. Like, you know, you guys married at such a young age. And if someone like doesn't live up to their vows, you know, you, he took vows too. Right. And if he's not living up to them, then, you know, and I'm sure there might be people out there who mad at me for like saying you should get divorced if death do you part. But like that sounds great in theory but sometimes people can be shitty and they don't live up to their expectation i encourage you to just not be afraid to take to to believe in yourself and you are have already done that and and double down and do that more and if the worst thing that happens to i think we're so if you move home

to a bunch of judgy parents whatever fine parents will will always love you. We get mad at our parents, we get frustrated, but they are your parents and they are your family. And they're not necessarily, they're not there to be your best friends sometimes too. And just because what they're teaching you and judging you about isn't right or wrong, they're still your parents. My parents over time have softened and I've taught them a lot and they've become more progressive as well. It takes time, but they are your parents. So don't abandon your parents just because you feel a little bit judged

and shamed from them. I'm not excusing them, but they are your family. Your husband needs to always earn the right to be with you. I think every couple does, regardless if you're married or not. A marriage is an excuse to like, stop earning that person's love and affection. You have to live up to the vows that you give each other every day. And if he's not doing that, you have a right to maybe at some day end it. I encourage you to not,

and all I'm saying is don't let your background and your family or any outside variables affect your decision to be happy? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's because my fear is we haven't gone to therapy or anything, but my fear is just because after being with him for two years, I feel like I know him pretty well. And I feel like even if we went to therapy and he tried, it wouldn't really be who he is. It would be almost like me trying to change him because it just doesn't seem like it's really in him to be affectionate or like have a husband wife dynamic with somebody. Maybe so. But listen, like here, here's what you have to decide. And that's fine too. You may be,

I don't know him, you know him. Right. But what I'm saying is don't make the mistake of assuming either. Right. If you're done, you're done. If you're just, if you're emotionally not there and you just, again, you're just kind of like biding your time and you just don't want to be with them, that's fine too. There's nothing wrong with just admitting that. And maybe sometimes at that point, therapy is just a wasted effort because you are done. You have done everything you can personally do. If you have hope for the relationship, don't assume how he's going to be. Give him an opportunity to show you, right? But that's entirely up to what you want. You have to decide whether you want to be in the relationship or not, regardless of outside influences. And if

you still have hope for this relationship, then do whatever you can and give him an opportunity to show you a different side of him. But you have the right to be done too. You know? Yeah. And I just want to encourage you, like as a woman, like I felt trapped in the past, like maybe in jobs I didn't want,

but I needed the money. But like if you feel trapped in a relationship because of the money, like I just encourage you to get out of that trapped mindset. You are not trapped. You have other options. You can get an education. You can support yourself. It's like, we can't use that as an

excuse to stay in bad things. You're in this seemingly nice car, these nice clothes. Our lives are all quite charmed, especially speaking of most of the people in the United States. If things might get worse before they're better, but like to Rochelle's point, there's a solution to almost every problem. And if you can fight and beat cancer, you can get a better job or a different job. Maybe that requires you to work two jobs. And again, you had to deal with some stuff where you couldn't work,

but hopefully your health improves and then you have some options. And again, you still have your parents and your family. And at the end of the day, if you show up at their doorstep, they're going to hopefully take in. Hopefully. I mean, some. And if they don't, you can come and live with Nick and Rochelle. Yeah.

Not you, Suge. There you go. You have options. You have friends, right? I'm sure you have a lot of friends. I have a few. You have a few. Maybe he kind of hurt that a little bit. But get out there. You're young. Meet more friends.

Meet more people. Join activities and things. There's a big world out there that I'm guessing you've seen very little of. And I encourage you to try to see more of it. And it will open up a lot of doors and windows and experiences. And you have so much life to live. Get out there while you can and live your life. And don't ever feel like you're trapped or you can't because that's honestly the biggest thing

about growing up and getting older is always realizing that things ended up being easier than they thought they were because it seems so impossible having never done it. So just try, be willing to fail, and you're going to be fine. Yeah. Well, um, whenever we found out I was sick, I lived with my parents for about six months while my husband was trying to get transferred from Alaska to here. So I have lived with them recently and, um, that's not, it's not a fun place to be'm sure he does take very good care of me like the car the clothes like that's all that's all him but it's like if the emotional part isn't there then you deserve you deserve more than a caretaker nobody's gonna like what i have to say

but i'm gonna say it anyway listen if you need to use this support for a minute, find emotional support elsewhere. I'm fine with that. Some people don't check off every box. We can't expect, listen, and I think that when you're ready, getting out of this, when you're stable and when you feel secure and ready to go, you're going to know, right? And it's also empowered to be like, listen, this guy doesn't check off all of those boxes i'm going to leave him but for now i need this stability and start creating emotional bonds with friends with co-workers and do all of that stuff if it is not an option for you to go home parents are not all good parents and we shouldn't be around some of them. Like that is not.

Fine. I mean, there's exceptions to every rule. Suggesting that you go home because they're your blood and they have to take care of you might not make her own money also. I think the biggest takeaway from this. Maybe she's very sick and can't right away. I think the biggest takeaway is that you, again, we don't know all the details, but you probably have more options than you often feel. And I know that when I was younger and not having to deal with what you've had to deal with, that is almost an absolute that when you're younger, you just feel like you feel trapped and you don't know, you just don't know how to get out of it because you just don't know. Right. And so while we're, all we're so all we're just suggesting is that

don't feel trapped. And listen, if you want to stick in this relationship for a while because it's safe and comfortable, fine. You can work on it. And we don't know, but her family is not wanting to live with your parents because they annoy you and it's challenging and they feel judged. I get that. Fine. It doesn't mean she can't. That's not an option.

All right. And keeping us, listen, people have a way, people have a habit of sometimes wanting to maintain a status quo because their life's good. People do it all the time. All the time.

That's all about, like you talk about comfort zone. Yeah. People live an entire life of like. No, we're talking about, yes, I'm sorry. I won't. We're talking about bigger picture

and like all we're saying is that yes, I'm sorry. We're talking about bigger picture. And like, all we're saying is that if she wants, she, she calls it, if she wants a happier life, if she's not feeling happiness in a relationship, we're just letting her know that she deserves it. It's an option for her. And that might include, uh, some time, like that might include getting out of your comfort zone for sure. That might include taking risks and it might include getting out of your comfort zone, for sure. That might include taking risks, and it might include in those risks failing a little bit early on. And that's okay. Some people are afraid of like, well, he takes care of me. He does this. And I have a nice life. It's nice. It's like, fine. But deep down, something telling you that it could be better. And if you want

better, you have the right to have it be better. And that is all we're saying. And it's going to have some challenges. I agree. I agree. But I also think there's an option to chill there while you're figuring that out.

That's fine too. But that's not the overall point we're trying to make. Well, living with my parents is kind of like, for an example, when we knew I was sick and because I knew my hair was going to fall out, I dyed it bright pink and cut it. And my mom told me she was embarrassed to be around me and that God was really going to judge me for this decision before my hair is going to fall out because of chemo.

So that's the type of people you're kind of dealing with. I get it. Listen, my parents, I love them. I had the best childhood and they're amazing and they're fantastic. They said some crazy shit to me when I was younger. My mom thinks I'm going to hell. It's fine.

It's not fine, you guys. It's not fine. But like, listen, parents, all I'm saying is we're all figuring it out too. My parents look back and sometimes feel embarrassment for some of the things they said to me and changed. My parents are amazing people and I had an amazing childhood, but they had me young and they were teaching me what they were taught. My grandma said some even crazier shit and she's an amazing person.

All I'm saying is sometimes we get frustrated at our parents at times, but hopefully, and listen, maybe your mom sucks. I don't know. It's almost like you guys are saying- No, I love my parents. I love them. She loves her parents. Like, yes, there's her mom. Was it okay for her mom to say that to her? No. Does that mean? Yes. Did it? I'm just saying like it, they are your family and less in short of your family, like kicking you out or like, you know, you feel love, you love your family, there you go. It's okay to be annoyed with your parents. That doesn't always mean that it's the right house to be living in. There is a husband who you feel like is a roommate, you don't feel their love,

who also says to you things like, I'd rather do anything than have sex with you. Is that a better house to live in? Maybe it is. I'm saying it's an option. Anyways. Go get a job. We really appreciate you calling. This is a great call and I can't stress enough, again, just believing yourself. You've faced so much already. Yes, you're amazing.

I would lean into that and just remember anytime you feel insecure, down on yourself and afraid, just remind yourself anytime you feel insecure, down on yourself and afraid, just remind yourself what you've already accomplished, right? And the more risks you take, the more you're going to succeed. There's going to be failure in that. And you're going to get more and more confidence.

And the more world you try to see, the more options you will realize that you have in general, regardless of your situation. I can say that with anyone listening, that is a fact. So just remember that and decide what you want in this relationship and then do whatever it is you want and fight for the relationship you want and know that you have an out if you want. Your parents will still love you. They'll still be, they might say some rude shit, whatever. You'll be fine. Well, thank you guys so much for taking my call. And really quick before we end, I just wanted to shoot my shot here

and say that, Nick, I've been a huge fan of you for so long. And if there's ever a chance that I could meet you after the year I've had, obviously, if I'm not to say that or ask that or if that's not okay, that's fine. But just had to. Well, if you're ever in LA, maybe we can arrange it.

But you, you know, obviously, as a caller and a friend, I did ran into a Tyler's run. I ran into one of our callers who was very sweet. And she did say, little flex here, I changed her entire year. But yes, if you're in LA, definitely email in and we'll see what we can do. You are a married woman here, so let's just set boundaries here.

Not like that. I'm just giving you a hard time. Absolutely. I'm sure we can make something work out. Keep in touch with Rochelle. Awesome. Thanks so much for your time and thank you for calling in. Thank you in touch with Rochelle. Awesome. But thanks so much for your time and thank you for calling in.

Thank you guys so much for the advice. All right, take care. Bye. I honestly don't know what you were trying to say. You don't? In this last call? I just can't believe that the advice is like, just go home to your parents.

They love you. That's not in any way what we were saying. A nice car when you're 20. It's like, don't have a car. And I love that opinion. But she is like going through chemo. And like, she's a sick girl. Yes, she noted that she's in remission.

I just know that sometimes it's truly not an option to just go home because your parents will love you. And like, go home and be judged and be berated by the people who do love you. I just don't think going home to your parents is like the general advice that you should give people. That wasn't the advice. If the man is saying like, oh, I don't want to, you're the last person I want to have sex with. Of course, she's in a terrible relationship. It sounds awful. So empower yourself in that too, if you need to. She's not calling and saying like, I have an option to go home. That clearly didn't sound like an option to me at's not calling and saying like, I have an option to go home.

That clearly didn't sound like an option to me at any point. So saying like, okay. What she said was, I feel like I don't have a lot of options. And we're just vetting it out and talking through with her that she probably has some options. Again, we don't know. Even a GoFundMe or I love that option.

We don't necessarily know what her family is like, but it's safe to assume that a lot of 20-year-olds, like again, Rochelle is a perfect example. She talks about her family. I talk about my family. Just because you get mad at your parents or you have like a tough time with them doesn't mean they're still not your loving parents. That might not be your situation. I don't know. I had to move home and then I had to work my butt off

to be able to move out as soon as I could. But here's a situation where a young woman who got married at 19 got married and feels stuck in a relationship. And she said that multiple times. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I don't know what to do.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that was the biggest takeaway is letting her know that she doesn't need to feel stuck and trying to, sometimes when you feel stuck, you need just to hear the options you have. It doesn't mean any of these options that were being said are the right ones. It's just knowing that she has some options. You're getting hung up that we suggested that maybe moving back home was an option. I'm hung up on the fact that you're just like immediately like, they love you. That's the better option. That's the better option. Go back and play the tape.

No one said that. Your family, yes, your family, I guarantee you in her own way, whether she's doing a good job or not, her mother loves her. I mean, mothers all the time with their daughters through what they think they're calling love. You cannot guarantee that a mother loves their child. You can't. Whatever. I mean, Rochelle, do you think your mom loves you?

I mean, I do. But to Suge's point, I do think there are some. I know I have some friends who had to cut their moms out of their lives. That might be true. Because they were so toxic. There's a difference between a mom thinking she loves her daughter and being toxic. That can happen. My mom and my grandma had a very- But yeah, I do think my mom loves me a lot.

My mom and her mom, my grandma, their relationship, while great now, man. Oh, yeah. You know, like- Okay, but is it healthy to be around or in the home of somebody who thinks you're going to hell all the time? That's a whole other conversation. I literally just said, listen, that is an option. And sometimes young, she's 20 years old. And sometimes young people have a way. It's not always the parent's fault either, right? We always want to shit on our parents for saying things that we don't like. And for all the criticism, I feel like we're shitting on parents.

Parents, young people don't like what their parents say all the time. Is the pink hair common, burning hell? Okay, no. But I'm just simply reminding a young person who's 20 years old that maybe live in, because all I'm saying is we don't know. Maybe her family,

it's just a bunch of like slightly judgy parents who are super religious and they don't make her feel great. Fine. I would rather live in a like that house that are still her loving parents. Let's assume that's the worst of it, right? I'd rather have her realize that maybe this guy who's like also saying, I'd rather do anything than have sex with you. And then get out of a toxic relationship that is someone she's only known for a year and a half and realize she has a whole life to live and then move out in six months when she's financially on her feet. I don't want to paint this picture that I feel comfortable saying that majority of families, even whether you get along with them all the time, are a better option than a toxic relationship.

Yeah, obviously I agree with that. Again, this was more about options. Don't feel stuck. I totally agree with that. Don't feel stuck, especially because of a nice car. That's not the reason. Guys, oh my God. It's so much deeper.

The girl almost, I don't know. She's so sick. Medical bills are insane. She's facing some real fucking issues and there are so many, but just being flippant and being like, don't stay for a nice car. I find it frustrating because her, her decisions are so much bigger and harder than that. This is about having insurance. Again, we're just saying that there's other ways. She said she takes care of me. I'm under his insurance. Fine. She didn't say that they're so stacked up and there's no way. She did not say in any way,

there's no way that I can't pay without him. There's no way. She was just like, I feel stuck. And she might have insurance in another place. This is about letting a young person know who's faced a bunch of challenges to not let that make her feel stuck. Because I can totally see why someone in her shoes, if stuck or not, would feel stuck. That's all I'm saying. A hundred percent. And she has the, you know, people can spend 10 years of their life staying in a situation. They feel stuck, but maybe they're not. And I want to see her explore other opportunities. Right.

And she needs options. I agree. And there are options. And I love that message. And I think that's so very true. Wow. I mean. Wow.

I've taken a whole bunch of deep breaths and I feel good. Let's all hold hands. Here we are. Shug and I feel good here we are we sure are what a dynamic first episode yeah I hope you guys enjoyed it you know like we talked about in the opening

we don't always agree but I do think sometimes my biggest point too is it's giving people options and sometimes again in arguments, we will say, we can get sometimes in the weeds of things. We get hung up on certain things in a bigger argument in terms of, I know Sugar and I talked about this whole,

you know, families and whether they're the, always the first choice. You know, no one's necessarily saying that, you know, but sometimes the bigger picture of just finding things out and exploring things, we, you know, but sometimes the bigger picture of just finding things out and exploring things, we, you know, we, we can always be better, but asking more questions. So, because it's funny, a lot of times I will say our questions we get from fans, they have their story. Okay, this happened. This is what I want to talk about. That's the story they're telling themselves. That's the story they're telling themselves. There's always, there's always at least one

nugget that's going on underneath. Nick loves his nuggets. But honestly, if I could have 30 minutes of asking questions, I would with them just to really figure it out. So sometimes we try to get to the answers, maybe even too soon. But if you're out there and you're communicating with your friends and your friends come to you with problems, start asking them more questions before you answer it. Do you think there's any themes from the calls today?

Women, it is not your job to get guys off. Yeah. That's a theme. It's great. We appreciate it. Put in the effort. We appreciate the effort. Not your job.

And if a guy says, not tonight is not the night, that's fine. Don't make him feel like you did something wrong. It's not necessarily job. And if a guy says tonight is not the night, that's fine. Don't make him feel like you did something wrong. It's not necessarily you. You don't have to make it into a fight. No. Go have a sandwich. Do something else fun. We all like a good climax. Don't give up on love.

That was a good message. Don't give up on love. Also, but maybe... Well, that's our last call. Don't give up on love. But also know when... On finding love. Don't give up on love. But also know when... On finding love. Don't give up on finding love.

No matter how old you are, no matter what you've been through. Yeah. Listen, if you find your great love at 50, hopefully you have 30, 40 more years. And that's a good 20, 30-year relationship. And nowadays, how many people can say they have a 20, 30 year happy relationship? That might just start later in life. Yeah.

And you know, it's just so important that you fall in love with yourself first. So sometimes that takes a really long time and that's a-okay too. Anyways, thanks guys for joining The Vile Files and questions with questions with Nick or whatever. I don't know. Yeah. Format. We're formatting this.

We'll just be questions with Nick spinoff of the Vile Files. We have a great episode coming up with my dear friend Amanda Statton. Oh this is a good one. Great little

She spills some tea. Great little dating nuggets. We talk about our time on the show together, our friendship outside of the show, being a single mom. She's got a new book out. But it's just a fun conversation.

She was really open. I was like, yes, girl. I can't wait to listen. It'll be the last episode of a guest with questions because we recorded this a couple weeks ago. And if you have questions, email us. Email us, send them in. We can read them.

We can talk about them. Ask Nick at castmedia.com. A-S-K-N-I-C-K at K-A-S-T-M-E-D-I-A.com. This show is only as good as your questions. No pressure. No pressure. No pressure. As always, feel free to rate us five stars on iTunes. We could use

some more five stars, I feel like. Not to pander and beg, but yeah. Also, I'm just waiting for the people to look. Why did they change it? People don't like change. Oh, yeah. I'm just waiting for you guys. Some of you, like, you can write it. Don't give us like two stars because of it.

Just look at it as an elevation. You just get more of what you like. Change is good, but it always feels a little uncomfortable at first. Yeah. Anyways, have a great week. We will see you on Wednesday. It's been another episode. Yay!

Goodbye, Falser. You're crazy.