The Viall Files - E331 Ask Nick - You’re Lucky That You’re Sad

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we start with someone who had pre-established an end to her relationship with her partner given the fact that she would have to move soon for work. Now that the time has come she’s much sadder than she expected, even more so after hearing that her partner’s experience during their time together has been much different than hers and she’s trying to reconcile her feelings. Next, we speak with someone whose friend group from long ago has grown apart, and she’s wondering if she should try to hang on to the friendships in honor of their friend who passed away. Turns out she has some internal work to do to figure out how to be a better friend, if she decides she really wants to be one. Next, we speak with someone who is keeping her situationship on ice, but her expectations may lead her to mourning a relationship with someone she’s never even dated. Lastly, we speak with someone who has developed a friendship with someone in her industry, only to realize they might be interested in more. She’s not, but she’s curious to learn more about them and is now realizing her curiosity might be giving off the wrong vibes.  “That wasn’t a conversation, he was shaming you.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit https://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/ViallFiles Athena Club: Go to https://www.AthenaClub.com and use code VIALL to get 20% off. Lets Get Checked: Go to https://www.trylgc.com/viall and use code VIALL to get 30% off your entire order.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Visit betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L-F-I-L-E-S because honestly, being a human is exhausting. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back and happy Monday to you all. Welcome to the Ask Nick portion of the Vile Files. So glad to have you. We have a great episode for you. As always, first and foremost, we always want to thank our callers for reaching out, sending in their emails,

and sharing their stories with us. You can share your story as well and get some feedback just sending your emails at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. Also, I just want to say thanks for listening, guys. I always appreciate it. Also, the people who are, you know, stop me in the street and are posting on their social and tagging their friends

and telling their friends about this show. Uh, we can't thank you enough. It does mean a lot. And, um, please keep doing that. Cause that's probably the, the most effective way to, uh, to grow this show. So if you've ever done that, I just want to say, To grow this show. So if you've ever done that, I just want to say thank you. Honestly, because that was really kind of you. And you guys DM and tag the show.

We see you and we just want to say thank you. Allie, anything going on in your world that's new and fun? I was in a wedding. That was fun. It was a good time. Day filled with love. May or may not have hit it off with a man in the bridal party. Okay.

So we'll see. What do you mean may or may not have? Like have been texting every day. Did you dance? Yeah. He danced. He played like the long game. He danced with my grandma.

Okay. He really tried. Yeah. So we've been talking ever since. That's interesting. Where's he from? Minnesota. I know. And the man's like 30 with a house and a dog. And I'm like, oh. yeah so we've been talking ever since that's interesting where's he from minnesota i know and the man's like 30 with a house and a dog and i'm like uh i don't know he's single lives by

himself with a house and a dog i mean i'm kind of the same other what don't you know about it it's just like my sister even yesterday was like where is is this going? I was like, I don't know. But trying to take it one day at a time. We'll see. Do you want to go somewhere? I think he's really nice. I understand where my sister's coming from because I'm like, I don't know. Well, you are noncommittal when it comes to dating.

Yeah. Well, congrats on making a connection at the wedding. What were the bridesmaids wearing? We did. She's like very trendy. So it was like, think of like Natalie's dress that she wore to your cousin's wedding. That kind of style, but like a sage green, like the silk spaghetti straps, but just like a light green. It seems nice.

Yeah. And then the guys had like a kind of a beige-y off-white green. It seems nice. That's yeah. And then the guys had like a, like kind of a beige off white tie. It was, it was cute. I was very generous of the bride to, to give us good dresses. Yeah.

Yeah. It was one of those where I was like, I could actually see myself wearing it again. It's amazing how many brides don't do that. Exactly. Anyway, we have a great episode for you. Thanks as always for listening.

And again, send in those questions. We got the premiere of Michelle's season. We'll be recapping that. That will be out tomorrow. And on Wednesday, the wonderful Remy Bader is with us. What a delightful human being. Many of you probably already know Remy

following her on TikTok, her rise to stardom, talking about fashion hauls and giving us honest perspective of what things truly look like in reality and talking about body positivity, insecurities, dating, relationships. Really enjoyed my conversation with Remy, so be sure to check that out. And if there's nothing else let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going um it's going well uh how are you great what's your name um i'm ingrid and i'm calling from massachusetts

and i'm 30 you're 30 all right All right, great. How can I help Ingrid? Well, I am at the end of a relationship right now and it's definitively the end, but I'm trying to sort through some feelings to figure stuff out for the future and apologies in advance. I haven't really slept for the last two and a half days because of 50% sadness and 50% work. really slept for the last two and a half days because of 50% sadness and 50% work. Okay. So the relationship, like you guys have had the breakup conversation. No. I'm visiting that person. You've decided it's over and you have yet to communicate that. Yeah. I'm visiting that person's home city right now, which is my second out of three

work locations. And I'm planning on having this conversation with them this week when they also returned to this city. Um, because it was, it's sort of a natural ending date since I am about to move abroad, um, for work for at least a year, but potentially more depending on how the project goes. And this was something that was called out at the beginning of us seeing each other. Like I am in the States like four months at the most every year. And so I always tell anybody that I'm seeing like, hi, I travel a lot for work and I travel for at least six months at a time and it's like pretty indefinite. So. So a couple of questions. Do they see it? Do you anticipate that they see it coming? And also why are you deciding to end the relationship? They definitely see it coming because they've like, we've known that I'm moving

the whole time, but I'm deciding to end the relationship because I don't think we're on the same page about what this is emotionally for me. Like pretty much I, for several years, have always told people at the top, like because of my job, I do move a lot. So this is something that has a definite expiration date on it. This one was much longer than usual because of the pandemic preventing international travel. So it's been like a bit over a year now. And I, but I say that even though it's temporary, I really wanted to be like a genuine emotional connection during that time. And I expect it to be exclusive. And it's important to me also because i have a lot of trauma that i won't get into but that like is can be affected when there are other people involved um and it's this person

has been so respectful the entire time and it's been a very wonderful like you know just under a year and a half with them uh but recently when i was saying that i was leaving i'm trying to get some uh permissions and things together for them to visit me because the plan is for them to visit me in the spring um at the center that i'm going to where I will be in residence. And there's only permission for partners to visit because of the whole global situation right now. When you say partners, like legally? No, it's not well defined, but you're allowed to have one guest that stays with you indefinitely. And they said that partners are dependents. And so I was like, I like, do you want to stay with me? And if so, like what, you know, like what am

I putting on this form? Because we've just been seeing each other without labels this whole time. And that prompted a conversation that I was a little bit blindsided by because we have always said like, I love you for several months now. And I do feel that it's authentic and it's at the limits of my emotional capacity, even though there are very clear temporal boundaries around it. But for them, they were like, I know that I love you, but I also know that I can't offer you a romantic love. And in the long term, I've always known that one of us is going to move on from this. They said this to you. Yeah. They said this to me and I'm not sure

what that really means because, but the impression that I got from it is that like, they're convinced because they felt it before that there's like some type of higher love that they categorize as romantic love and they know that they don't feel it for me and they are not going to get to that point with me and it just I'm feeling a little bit destroyed about that because well that's okay that's interesting because at first it seemed like you went into this with always kind of one foot out the door or at least you it had an expiration date in your mind yeah and you communicated that expiration date and then you guys kind of operated in this relationship situation ship um you didn't put labels on it but

you used a lot you know you said i loved you had boundaries, you had expectations, right? Like I don't care as much about labels in relationships as I care about expectations. I've always said like relationships start when you guys have expectations and you can call it what you want. But as soon as you start saying, hey, I expect this of you and I expect this of myself

and this thing that we're doing, I mean, that's a relationship, right? And you can call it whatever you want, but like you are going to bed and waking up in the morning with an expectation of this person. And when people don't meet each other's expectations, there's frustration and sadness and there's conversations that need to be had, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. I guess I'm confused because i like technically there are no expectations that i've had that have not been met sure yeah or in any other case totally yeah there's just evidently been an emotional mismatch this entire time that i feel a little bit

i don't even know if there is it's really unclear because it seems tough. You guys, from what I'm hearing, it seems like you guys are both putting yourself, you're putting yourselves in a very challenging situation. You're almost kind of setting each other up to fail. You guys have agreed that you like spending time together. You do spend time together. You have expectations you express feelings but always in the back of your mind this relationship has always had as

you know like don't get too close kind of idea it's going to have an ending so any any person who's afraid of being hurt or afraid of the unknown is going to have some sort of wall up, right? And so you've talked about some past trauma. Yeah. And I just kind of wonder if that it could come from that. I mean, at some point, you know, your partner and you, I mean, at some point, you know, your partner and you, whether it's with each other and depending on what you want, like is your goal at some point, you know, I know you're traveling a lot and obviously your career is a priority for you. That's awesome. And you're at a position in your life where you can do that.

But at any point, are you hopeful to have a romantic relationship be as much as a priority as anything else and quote unquote, settle down, whatever settle down means to you and have a romantic relationship be as much as a priority as anything else and quote unquote settle down, whatever settle down means to you and have a lifelong commitment? Is that even in your long-term plans? No, it hasn't been. And that's another thing that's confusing to me because it's also not in the long-term goals of the person that I'm seeing. And that was discussed at the outset for both of us. I'm not planning on getting married or having children. And I don't really anticipate like a lifelong partnership because I know what my job requires and I've always known since I committed to that. And so I sort of anticipate my life being a series of like

shorter commitments to a series of people. And this person is also in a line of work where they travel a lot and we travel to opposite regions. So it doesn't work out with time zones and whatnot, but it's, yeah, I thought that we had similar emotional terms, but I don't know if this conversation confused me because they're confident that there's something out there that they've felt before that they're not pursuing, but that they know is a higher form of love that they haven't found within whatever this is. I mean, I don't know you, but you seem like a very pragmatic, logical, introspective person, right? And I get the impression you like things to make sense. As I do too, but some people are a little bit more carefree, you know, they're a little bit more, Hey, we'll see how it goes.

And you're like, whatever. And I'll just, I'll enjoy this feeling as it comes. I'm more like you. I think there's a, it's more of a spectrum, right? And you guys are dealing with kind of this hard to define thing, right? This person, your partner is talking about an idea, you know, a very undefinable idea about love and love can mean different things to different people. We can decide for ourselves what we want love to mean. And it can also not necessarily even be that like this feeling that he can't, he or she can't describe. And that feeling, pardon me? Like they do describe it as a feeling of wanting to spend your entire life with someone, even though they don't want to spend their entire lives with someone. It's so abstract, though. And this person is talking to you. I think you guys are completely discounting the fact that from the very beginning, you guys talked about reasons that both of you should not let yourselves

fall completely in love. And I think it's very convenient for either of you to start saying like, well, you know, like, I mean, in a lot of ways, I'm glad your partner is holding that space for something better because you've literally told them it's going to end, right? So I think naturally a human feeling would be like, I sure hope this isn't the best I'm going to find because it's going to end at some point. And I think it's this kind of something we, whether it's true or not,

your partner's probably just telling themselves that, right? Let's flip the script. What if your partner, like you're that, right? Let's flip the script. What if your partner, like you're moving, right? You're about to go away. You're creating this great distance with one another. Maybe you guys will visit each other, maybe you won't, who knows. But you have accepted that your plan is to have these like,

medium term relationships that will come and go and you will have maybe a handful of loves. You know, you may, medium term relationships that will come and go and you will have maybe a handful of loves, you know, you may not want great love, but let's say your partner said, Hey, I know we've talked about this. I know you're moving, but fuck it. Like, I just, I want to be with you. I want you to be a priority in my life. I don't know what this means. I don't know. I'm not saying we have to get married, but I'm old enough to know. And I've had enough of relationships that this is, this is such, you know, like, I don't know how I feel, but I do know that it's so great with you. And what would you do? Right. Because like, I wonder if you would have the same,

a different type of panic, a different type of worry, right? I did. That was my last relationship, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Which was also a year and a half for like different reasons. We ended up being incompatible regions. And they said like, I will, you know, quit my job and like work remotely as a contractor for you. I'll learn the language of the region that you mostly work in. And like, I'll follow you around. And I said, like, I can't, I can't accept

that because I would never want to give up like my independent, like life course for anyone else. And so I don't want anyone else to give that up for me. Yeah. And that comes from a place of you don't want to feel burdened by that. You don't want to feel responsible for that. You don't want to have to worry. You don't want to even consider what that type of sacrifice, what, you know, because I think there's an implication from that person. You're probably worried about what is this going to cost me? And I don't want it to cost me anything, you know? And I'm willing to let this go because I don't want to worry about expectations of,

at some point, you don't want to wake up and be like, I moved for you. I learned another language for you. I want something from you. And you want to be able to say no and not feel guilty about it right boy shaving your legs so i've heard can be a cumbersome experience for the ladies out there forget the legs nick we have a lot of areas we need to shave it's brutal so i've heard so i've heard have you had any

unfortunate accidents when it comes to i mean it's it's one of those things where you get a new razor and suddenly you're just cut everywhere and band-aids are everywhere but then if you don't switch out your razor enough it can rust and that's not good like it's never good did you ever cut yourself by overusing a razor sometimes yeah i mean if you're in a hurry it can look like you've fought in a war thank god there is a company like Athena Club. So Athena Club is a subscription service for all your shaving needs. And there's a razor kit. Subscription service specifically to women. Yeah, which is even better. Their razor kit is for shavers among us.

However, wherever, and why ever you shave. Love that. And their innovative, curve-loving, curve loving body knowing razor features five spaced out blades and moisturizing serum activated by water so it's like moisturizing it's giving back to your skin as you're shaving and it's resulting in the smoothest closest shave how has it been a game changer in your shaving experience i mean not only is the razor like basically impossible to cut you with and it has the moisturizing like barrier but they have a little magnetic thing so i can keep my razor on the shower wall and it doesn't have to like sit in water and rust and be with all the other gunk

and they're i'm assuming constantly sending you new razors yeah and their color selection is great they even have like limited edition colors i've never never felt happier. Well, join the Athena Club and solve your shaving problems. Show your skin that you care with the Athena Club razor kit. That's right. Tell your skin we care about you. That's right. Sign up today and you'll get 20% off your first order. Just go to athenacena club.com and use promo code v i a l that is a t h e n a c l u b.com with promo code v i a l for 20 off never have to worry about running out of refills or being stuck with dull overused razors no more that's right ladies you can choose how often replacement blades are sent to you with free shipping that means means fresh, ready-to-use razors will always arrive right when you need them. Well, you guys know that we talk a lot about dating, sex, and relationships, and we talk about being sex positive, but part of being sex positive is being sex responsible.

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with code VIALL. Just visit trylgc.com slash VIALL. That is T-R-Y-L-G-C.com slash VIALL and enter code VIALL at checkout to ensure you and your significant other are staying safe. I think your confusion about this conversation is coming from a place, you know, maybe it's ego driven. Maybe it's just sadness about like something that's beautiful in your life and something you've cherished is coming to an end potentially, or you're deciding that it should. And then this person is also saying, I don't know. I think there's something better for me. That's, I think that might,

must be throwing your ego, especially since the last time this happened, this person was ready to like change their whole world. And now you're lacking a little bit of control here, at least a little bit. But I mean, I think none of that necessarily matters if ultimately you've already decided for yourself, this is the life I want to live. you've already decided for yourself, this is the life I want to live. And the life that you're choosing to live has a lot of excitement and variety and for you could be just such a cool life, right? As you get older, you don't want to have kids. You're not necessarily interested in having like one great love. And you could 50 years from now, look back and be like, wow, what a great time with this person and another exciting time with that person.

It also comes with a cost, right? A cost of saying goodbye to these people and having these things end. And there is going to be a sadness there. You know, it's going to have, it comes with everything has some sort of cost. And I think it's going to have it comes with everything has some sort of cost and i think it's just coming to uh it's just yeah i guess it's just coming accepting that your choices have a cost as

everyone's choices do and these are the costs for yours and what he is saying ultimately doesn't really matter in your decision because ultimately you're thinking of ending it and technically they should want to think there is something better for them since this is going to end you know like i've decided that i need this to end because they said that and i can't okay so what if they didn't say that i don't feel wanted which is what the relationship is starting to feel like to me yeah and i was willing to continue making this like a secondary city of my work for them so that I continue to see them like you know three or four times a year and to hope that they would also visit me once or twice a year

but it seems that that is not wanted which is why I've come to this decision okay sure so there's some sadness around that but but either way you've way, your big picture view on your romantic life is that they're all going to end at some point. And then you'll have a beginning, right? So based on what you're telling me, you're just slightly out of control of how this is going to end and if are you someone who's used to being in control of kind of everything and in most things in your life you seem to be in a great way in control of your choices and how things play out for you and in this is a case where they might have it might feel like they have a little bit more control right um so you have some sadness around that because yeah you might have been willing to

prolong this but you even agree that it's still going to end at some point you know what i'm saying or you know and if it doesn't end then you will be changing your whole view on your relationships you know if it doesn't end you might have to say changing your whole view on your relationships. You know, if it doesn't end, you might have to say, okay, well, this is not what I saw. And this happens all the time for people. We all tell ourselves, we're going to do this. We have a plan for our lives and plans change. And we go, yeah, I used to say I would never do X, Y, or Z, you know, and we, and we realize, well, why did, I don't know. I said that because I felt differently five years ago. So that might change for you.

Whether it's this person or when you move, you might meet someone. And you'll have to come to grips with, well, I thought I wanted this. And maybe I want something else. And then you have to decide. Also, like, you know, when you talked about your trauma, is that something you deal with? Or you do work with therapy? Yeah, I've been through a lot of therapy for it. also like you know when you talked about your trauma is that something you deal with or you do work with therapy because yeah i've been through a lot of therapy for it and it's a major reason why i've decided that i should not get married or have children sure and and and that's okay and you might continue to get therapy for it and someday down the line feel

safe enough to take that risk because it sounds like it's just more for you the decision a lot has to do with like it's not worth the risk i'm happy enough i like my life uh i don't think i could handle it going sideways and so these are the choice it's a bit of a you know a wall or you're protecting yourself and that's okay. And that might change. It might not either way. But like, I think that's some of the things you're struggling with, right? You know, I don't have a clear answer for you other than the fact that if you do, if overall your life choices haven't changed and you're acknowledging that either way, you're probably not in a position to take this leap of faith, given you haven't fully worked through some of the trauma that you've experienced and that the cost is saying goodbye to this thing.

But how you handle this, you might be able to say, all right, you've said this to me. I want to thank you for being honest with me. It was hard to hear because i thought this but given what you've said to me it's probably best that we end things now who knows what they're going to say you know your ego will be upset and frustrated that they don't push back at all they don't fight a little bit it'll be if they if they calmly to say you know you're probably right we knew this would come to an end your ego is going to be screaming saying like really like after a year and a half you're just

going to be like okay like come on fight for me a little bit you know that's going to go what's that i already know that that's how that's going to go which is why i'm very settled in it. Does it bug you at all though? Not quite. It's more like, it's not that I'm upset about this ending because I truly, I'm moving internationally in like two weeks. So this is about the time it would happen. But it's like,

how do I reinterpret the time that we spent together now that you've told me that like, you had a very different view on it than what I thought because like I'm at the limits of my emotional capacity and I told you that those limits were a lot smaller than what anybody else could give you at the outset yeah I would if you can try not to overthink what they meant by that. Because what it meant to you, what it means to them, in a lot of ways,

doesn't matter for how it meant to you. You know? Like, you can, what does this mean, what will this relationship mean to you is more important. You know? A relationship that you have decided is going to have an expiration date at some point.

And when you started this relationship, it was going to mean something to you. And it doesn't have to match up. You know what I'm saying? People break up all the time and we always try to assign some sort of value. And how is this worth it to me? Did you enjoy their time with them? Yes. Did they make you enjoy their time with them? Yes. Did they make you happy often?

You know, did you learn things about yourself and relationships in general with them? You know, those are all positive things. And I think it's important to focus on that because what it means to them is kind of irrelevant. And that's their own personal journey and i think it's hard maybe to hear but also like they maybe haven't experienced the same things you've experienced you know like again part i think you've recognized that part of your choice to not fully invest is what you've experienced in the past that you've continued to try to work through and at this point you're not ready to go past that line so i think you're really um setting yourself up for

disappointment in these situations because there's a party that's stopping you from going all in with anyone and so when they communicate their feelings which might be coming from so many different places you know what i'm saying like you you will probably never know if part of what they're saying has to do with the fact that you've always told them this is going to end i just think you can't so easily discount starting a relationship where you both agreed there's an expiration date and you allowed yourself to maybe fall a little bit deeper than you expected, but maybe they never allowed themselves.

Maybe this is solely coming from a place of like, I just, you, I always thought it was gonna end so I didn't let myself go there. And for whatever reason, they felt the need to express this to you and maybe their intentions weren't to hurt you or make you feel bad. Maybe it was them just projecting and trying to justify their decisions and their choices in this which speaks

to all more the reason why if this relationship is going to end i think you're the only thing it really matters is what does it mean to you you know because i think it's such like it's such a rabbit hole to try to understand how they're going to value this. I don't know if that's helpful at all. It's just... I guess what would make it all better? What would make you feel better? Again, I guess what would make it all better? Like what would make you feel better?

I guess I just wish that whenever anything ends, there's like kind of a symmetry about it that like you agree that, you know, it's coming to a close and the time you spent together was good and it was like, you know, good in this way or whatever. But I guess that doesn't make any sense because Well, then it probably wouldn't end. Yeah. When things close and it's just that, I guess I've been lucky to not be on the side of it that I am

now in the past. So I just, I think there's a part of that. I think being on this side is a little new for you. You feel a little bit powerless and helpless. And I think what you're hoping and wanting for the most part isn't realistic or obtainable because if you guys were so on the same page, it probably wouldn't end, nor should it. And part of the reason why breakups feel so shitty is that there is some sort of

disconnect. And we do value or attribute it differently, or the perception of it. And part of that perception, we have no idea, like where it's coming from. It could be something that they're doing and saying to protect their own selves and their, you know, their feelings. And those feelings could change. You have no idea how this person is going to feel once it ends or once you move. Even how many times that people call up people and say, oh my God, what did I do? I regret it.

Or they start missing the very person. I know we want to be in control of our feelings, but it's easier said than done. And I think a lot of this is you feeling a lack of control and it is very new for you. And you might just have to accept that there is going to be a grieving period for, for this, or some sadness, like you said, your experience, and that's okay. But I think the only thing that's going to work that's going to help with that sadness is time and just acceptance and moving on assuming you don't want to fight for it and that's okay if you don't want to and sometimes we fight for things most of times we fight for

things knowing that well it might not. We might fight and still lose. We don't always get into fights that we want to know we're going to win, but it sometimes doesn't work out that way. That makes sense. I appreciate you saying that. I think it's going to take a while for me to like sit on it and turn it over and sort through it. Yeah.

It's a bummer because there's probably so much good that you have in this relationship, but I would challenge you try not to, to discount what you've had with them just because they said what they said to you, because it could come from so many different places. And if it is going to end on some level, you should want that real love that you want to feel for them

is wanting them to be happy, especially if it's going to end with you. And if you're not willing to let them go, maybe don't let them go or fight for it. But if you're not going to, that's totally totally okay but sometimes you just can't avoid sadness you just gotta get through it and let time take its course and and move on how terrible i know such is life it sucks but sometimes yeah exactly and i That's his life. It sucks, but. But it's also good sometimes. Yeah, exactly. And like most things,

you will look back on this and smile, you know? There's a better chance that you will than you won't. And you still have the option to fight for it if you choose that you want to. But right now, fuck, this is like, even when we know we should let something go, if it was pretty good, you should feel lucky that you are sad about it. How special that you had something that you know maybe its time has run its course, but it's sad to see go. I'm sorry.

I know it's such a bummer. It's sad. And there's no clear answer. No, I appreciate you weighing in on this though your voice is actually a strange part of my subconscious because i listen to your podcast as i fall asleep so it means a lot i appreciate it but uh yeah so just try your best um you keep getting therapy keep working on those things and allow yourself to be open to changing what you've thought you've wanted for yourself just be open to that you know and do it when it's when it's. I will try to do that.

Thanks for your help. All right. Best of luck. Congrats on the job. And good luck on the move. Thank you. Best of luck. How's it going?

Hi, Nick. A huge fan. My name is Anna. I'm 33 and I live in Michigan. How can I help anna so i've been struggling with some guilt as far as friendships that have come and gone okay um to give you a little backstory i have had the same group of friends pretty much my whole life we've been very very close uh unfortunately in 2013 one of them passed away in a horrific car accident it was very very traumatizing i'm sorry uh obviously unexpected rattled all of our worlds so from that point on

we became even closer a few of them have moved away from our hometown but we were always in communication um you know had annual Christmas parties the whole nine so about a year ago you know everyone was struggling with COVID just mentally and everything and I was finding myself having a hard time connecting with a couple of them. And, you know, I kind of took a step back, evaluated those relationships individually, rather than looking at us as a whole. And I realized we had pretty much grown apart, you know, saw some red flags from them. you know, saw some red flags from them and the way that I handled the situation, I thought was okay. They saw it to not be that way. And the friendship ended poorly. I'm struggling with the thought of me removing them from my life permanently. i know it's the right decision i just don't really know where to go from here uh like how bad is their behavior like how much of it is a liability

for you to have them around at all i guess that's a good question. Not too much, I would say. You know, the red flags I saw, for example, were, you know, just they would stay with people for too long and you know try to vent to me about it and i would give my honest opinion and they didn't really like that it just did they vent to you or they ask your opinion oh i guess vent yeah it's a big thing about giving someone your advice you know it works on this show because everyone who calls in like wants my opinion you know what i'm saying like everyone who listens to this show is curious to hear what i say it there's a lot of people who aren't interested in anything i have to fucking say and so if like you know they're scrolling on tiktok or let's say uh they're you know like it's a friend of natalie's right who's over and like venting to my girlfriend or even me

about like some shit their boyfriend's doing and they haven't asked my opinion and i'm like you know i want to hear what i think and i tell them and i'm do my thing and i'm like giving them some honest truth. If you're not interested in hearing someone's advice, you're not going to hear what they have to say. You know what I'm saying? They're not going to be open to it. So you got to be very careful about who you give advice to. They have to want to receive it. It's not going to be very helpful if they're not in a position to hear it. And that's certainly something I've had to learn. Yeah. So how would you separate that as far as someone venting to you,

you have these strong opinions about it, but... Well, it's not your problem. It's not your life. You know, as friendships evolve, as we get older, yes, we often can grow apart. Sometimes it's natural. Like, you know, I have two of my like closest friends still live, like my friends from like

middle school, high school, right? And we're still close friends. I talk to them significantly a lot less than I used to. We live in different cities. We lead different lives. Also, they're not, they've slowly have not become the first person I reach out to about something that's going on in my life, about some specific things, things I'm upset with, things I'm happy about.

Because again, we've slowly led each other's lives. They're amazing people. Like, you know, like we've only kind of quote unquote grown apart just because, you know, distance and they can't necessarily relate to everything. I don't feel like explaining to them like my world all the time.

And I still love them. They're still my close friends now. And they're not doing anything like toxic or bad, but I guess what I'm saying is can't you separate like how much of a priority they are? Can't they still be like acquaintances? Can't they still be friends that you call friends and you get together for like a girl's night from time to time certainly not like you did before i mean these group of friends that i talked to it wasn't like i'd call them up and

ask them are we hanging you know out it was what are we doing we hung out thursday friday and saturday it was just implied that we'd go out we were like like a group, you know, and that's what happens when you're younger in your twenties and you're single and you're going out and you have, you know, relatively the same priorities and the same goals. Right. But people start settling down, having kids. Other people are just like having worse luck in relationships and maybe get caught up in toxic things. And then, you know, here you are, like, not agreeing with every decision they have, and you want to be the supportive person. But, you know, as we grow up, you those dynamics change. And yeah, you're just not going to be as close anymore. Yeah, you know, I totally agree with that. And that was initially what I was going for. It's

like, hey, I just don't want to be as involved in each other's lives anymore i don't think it's healthy like what but you like you don't need to say that to them you know what i'm saying like i haven't like me and my friends and i haven't i haven't had this conversation about like well it's just like you know like talk about like what's going on we't talk as much anymore. And that's because you don't need to point it out. You can kind of like, you know, like TikTok has this thing where it's just like a shadow band, you know, where it's just like, they like, as my account set up, like I didn't get a warning. I didn't get my account was deleted, but like, I don't know, something funky going on or something. You can kind of shadow ban your friends a little bit.

You can just choose not to tell them your most exciting details or vice versa. You know what I'm saying? Like they don't know. They don't know you don't tell them everything and they're not telling you everything anymore. You don't have to have this big like sit down or intervention about like, hey, should we talk about the fact that we're not as close as we used to be? You could just be like, hey, I miss you. Let's hang out. You can ask less of them and give less of yourself to them. You can still be friends and you still get together from time to time.

You know what I'm saying? You guys both know you're not as close anymore. That's okay. You've grown up and your lives have both changed and your priorities have both changed. You don't have to like call it out and label it as much and make it a thing yeah so maybe maybe i handled the situation incorrectly because since all this has happened i've been blocked by your friends on pretty much everything yes what did you do like What did you say? simply said, Hey, I'm just feeling really negative. I'm trying to like sort out things. I was trying therapy at the time and I just needed to like really just separate myself from everything. And I just told them and I deleted myself from the group temporarily. I said, I love all you guys. I'm just taking a minute for myself. And they all took that as like,

I don't want to be friends with them ever again. Blew it way out of proportion. Thought I was like deleting photos of them off Facebook, which like I never even go on. You made them feel judged. That's what it was. And that's fine. You know, like it is what it is. You didn't mean to, but like by you doing that, it was like, what were the problem? Like, why do you need to like phase us out to be a better

person? And you made them feel judged. And simultaneously, since you made them feel judged together, they bonded over you judging them, the group. So you can decide, like, you can just accept it, move on and make different friends. Or you can decide whether you want to humble yourself to, and it might not be worth it. Maybe you've outgrown these friends, but if you want them back in their life, you can try to articulate, like, I was going through something, I miss you guys, and I'd love to hang out and see what they say. You've made them feel judged in that moment, but they can get over that. You know?

Yeah, where my conflict is, like, my brain is telling me, you did the right thing. This is how it was meant to happen. happen but my heart just because you know we lost our friend and me choosing to keep them out of my life just feels so permanent and well like i said it just feels wrong want to you could reach out to them individually or as a group and say i miss you guys i'd love to see you guys i know i had to go through some shit but it would definitely it was. I hope I didn't make it feel like it was you. And let's grab a drink sometime and see what they say. You know, your relationship will probably never be the same and that's okay, but that doesn't mean they can't be in your life at all. And both you and this group will have to humble themselves a little bit and let their egos go and whatever. But that doesn't mean you have to decide to let them all back in. If you think it's still appropriate for you and your

mental health and well-being to still put up some walls and have them not be as close as they used to be, but still like, you know, once in a while have a girl's night and you don't have to tell them all your deepest, darkest secrets. You can just catch up and reminisce and then you can decide from there whether it's really worth it to you or not you know yeah i mean that all sounds great but but it's just not turning out to be that what do you mean and i'm trying did you try that well um i've texted them a couple times um you know just saying hey i you know i just was catching up happy birthday or you know whatever it would be you're blocked no they replied but i don't know i guess it just wasn't really what i was looking for well yeah but you're so your expectations in reality are not matching up yeah this is some some fences need to be mended you know there's some sensitivity and hurt feelings

you're not it's just not going to magically get back together if you want to have a relationship with them you're going to have to make some effort. But that doesn't mean you still have to go all the way back to where it used to be. You can still set some new boundaries in this friendship. And if they aren't receptive to it at all, then I'm sorry. And that sucks. But that might be like the answer you need. And that, you know what? If they were real friends, if they were friends worth having,

then they would be able to understand what I had to do. And they're not. And clearly they're so caught up in their own bullshit and toxicity that there's no space for me to like take a break. So they lack any empathy on what you're going through. And so while you miss them and it's sad to see that chapter end, it's still the best thing for you.

you know, for them to be in the chapter of their wives, which is fine. Like I don't judge them that they're still dating, but when they're in these toxic relationships, it's really hard for me to like not judge them for that because I'm in such a different place. But yeah, but that's, that's on you. You got to stop that. And like I said, just repeat myself, you can be friends with them and not as close. So you can no longer be the friend that they're coming to you with all the relationship problems. And if they want to vent to you, you don't have to give them your opinion. You know, that's on you to like, as someone who's like, again, constantly, like Lily has developed this job or the show to give people's opinion.

That doesn't mean everyone needs to hear my opinion. It's not my job to give everyone my take on their toxic behavior even though they're like communicating that with me i have to ask permission to be like do you want it and sometimes when people ask for my opinion like on day-to-day life being a guy who has a show i will say i don't know if you really want my opinion i don't think i don't really want to get you like i don't know if you really want to hear it and if you do do, I kind of set up expectations of like, are you sure? Because I'm going to be honest with you. And if not, if you just want to, I'll listen. I'm just happy to listen. You know, because I know I've learned that if people aren't really, if they don't want to hear

it, if they're not ready to hear it, it's just, it's going to not be theirs. It's not going to be worth it. So you have to humble yourself to be someone who just simply listens and not judge because maybe you are judging. The fact that you have an opinion means you have some sort of judgment. You know, you have a take and maybe you should stop that. And sometimes friends just need to listen and you don't have to like it. And you don't have to involve yourself in their life so much that like their bad behavior and their choices in the relationship have any impact on you and your relationship. Cause you're not like,

you're not, you're never going to be hanging out with them every day anymore, you know, because your priority is your family and your husband. And like, you know, the dynamic of your friendship has changed and that's okay. Like it's not supposed to be like we were in college,

you know, our mid twenties when we were all single. Yeah, I really resonate with that because I tend to give my opinion even when it's not needed. And that's something that I definitely need to work on. Yeah, that's a you problem. Yeah, I'm sensitive of the fact that that definitely comes off the wrong way more often than not. Well, it really comes down to whether they want to hear it or not.

You know, people might be like, Oh, you're so good at being of advice, Nick, but I promise you, like if, if someone's not ready to hear my advice,

it's not helpful to them. I just sound like a dick. Yeah. That's probably how I'm coming off. quite a bit sometimes like i'll meet a stranger and like some stranger at a bar or someone's friend of a friend has like talked to me because they're just projecting what they're going on not thinking they're talking to a guy who gives advice and i'll be like all right well i don't know you so i don't need to listen but i'm just gonna like you're making me hear your story so i'm just gonna like share my opinion and

sometimes i've been like and like they've hated me in the moment. Only like a year later to been like, you know what? That one time, like you really fucked up my day, but like, I thought about it. And six months later I realized, but I don't care. I'm not friends with them. I don't even know them, you know, but for the people you want to have relationships with, you have to be respectful about when they want to hear your opinion or when they just want you to listen. And you owe them that as a friend. Definitely. You're not their therapist. You're their friend. Okay. And just because you got it right now doesn't mean you're doing it better or you've figured it out. Maybe you got lucky too. And,

and, uh, you know, there's some humility, I think, that you need to show on your end, too. Damn. All right. Okay. All right. Best of luck. You're going to be okay. All right.

Thank you so much, Nick. Take care. Yep. Okay. Yep. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, Nick.

I'm Mary, and I'm 25. Hi, Mary. How can I help? Okay. So, I'm going to try to give a shortened version of this because otherwise I'll tend to ramble in the details. But I met a guy on Bumble a month and a half before I had to leave for grad school. Okay.

I was back home in Wisconsin and now I'm out in North Dakota, nine hours away. Wisconsin. And now I'm out in North Dakota, nine hours away. But I was kind of on the apps, just not expecting to meet anyone that I really clicked with, because I've been on them for a year and met up with a lot of guys, and it was one date and done kind of thing. So wasn't it? I knew I had to leave, you know, soon, but I was but I was like oh whatever just meet up with people see what happens um so in early July I met a guy and it was like no other guy I'd ever met on an app before we hung out for like five seven hours our first date the second date third date fourth date hanging out for like seven hours at a time doing a bunch of different things texting all the time and then I think it wasn't obvious to him

that I was leaving in like a month I did have on my bio that really I was in grad school at UND in North Dakota so you're like you never told him and just hoped that he would notice. So I think when I would just go on one date with a guy, I wouldn't bring it up the first date because like, I was like, I don't know, you know, if I'm even going to like this guy, what's going to happen. And I did, you know, when we were texting, I referenced, you know, like grad school was all online pretty much last year. So I was home most of the semester, but I didn't know for sure what

was going to happen this year with COVID and everything. But like, so, and that's probably my, it's definitely my bad, but I didn't like make that clear from the get-go um I think I was just wrapped up in how you know I didn't want to think about that I was bleeding um but then the fourth time or fifth time we hung out we talked about it and it was just weird that we were having like a super like what seems like a conversation someone that's like known someone for a while would have like a serious conversation about what me leaving meant. Even though we had only known each other for two weeks. And he just made it clear that like he did long distance in the past and he knew that that like wouldn't work for him. He said it burned him in the past and that he wasn't a big FaceTime guy.

He liked to be near his person, whatever. And I was like, I totally get that. Like we've only known each other for three weeks. I wouldn't expect that. But we kind of left the conversation that we both still wanted to hang out. We both still wanted to talk to each other because we just really liked doing that. And just, I don't know know he kind of left it like maybe we'll keep talking when you leave maybe when you come home we'll hang out like just like see what happens and I was fine with that um so we did hang out like a couple times maybe four times before I left after that conversation but like the way that

he texted me definitely changed a lot you know and like less texting which I understood because obviously he wasn't pursuing me anymore like you would you know someone you wanted something something serious with um but I was like I'll just have fun before I leave and so we and I don't normally do that like I don't know we I was okay with it being a casual thing because that's all it could be there were some awkward things that happened before I left that I think is the reason why we faded in texting um we almost hooked up once but didn't because he didn't have a condom and he said that he didn't like wearing condoms and it turned into this I don't know it was a whole like and so I left that night thinking like classic yeah well and that's I it didn't come off as a dick moves me in the moment but when i told my friends later they were like sounds like a douche don't talk to him again

yeah i mean it's it's definitely a potential red flag for a douche i mean i guess a guy can say i don't like condoms and he like how did he respond to you saying, fair enough, but I don't want to partake in unprotected sex. Congratulations that you like he has a right to not like them. As long as he respects your boundary of not wanting to have sex with people that you don't feel safe or having unprotected sex. Like, how did he handle that? Well, the way that it came about was like i assumed that he'd have a condom um so like when we were in the moment i kind of you know when it was getting close to that point i kind of pulled away and was like you know you have a condom and he said no and i said

well this isn't gonna happen then and he but we talked about a little bit and he told me that he assumed everyone my age was on birth control. But like he wasn't even going to ask me like. Birth control doesn't protect you against herpes. Right. So, and I was like, if I hadn't said anything. It's not herpes control. If I hadn't said anything, he would have just, we would have just had unprotected sex and would have assumed that I was on birth control. Well, I mean, the only thing you really can take from this is that if given the opportunity, he will have unprotected sex without any consideration for STDs, which all the more reason not to have unprotected sex with those people.

So big win for you there yeah so we didn't i left and i didn't text him after that because i was like this is probably over because i'm not going to get on birth control and he doesn't want to wear a condom so but he was straight up like i'm never going to wear a condom having sex he didn't say never but he was very i don't know he was very blunt with saying like i don't like condoms i can't finish with a condom like i don't like i mean no one likes condoms no one's like you know what you know what this sexual experience really needs a condom like no one fucking likes them but you deal with it because you're choosing to you want to have sex with someone that you don't know that much you're not familiar with their sexual history you haven't like mutually gone and gotten std

tested like there's risk involved and you're trying to mitigate your risk and you're like you know what i might not finish it might not be as enjoyable but like fuck it i want to like we want to have sex and so like we want to have sex. And so like, I want to have the peace of mind that I didn't get anything from her and she didn't and I didn't give anything to her. So you just fucking deal, you know, like, of course, no one fucking likes it. He did. He did say, I don't know. This probably doesn't give him any points, but he said, like, well, sex with a condom is better than no sex but like like um but one

thing i i had only had one serious relationship previous to him and well he wasn't a relationship but he asked me like what have you done in the past because i said i wasn't on birth control and i said i was in a relationship with a guy for three years and he used a condom and he laughed and he said like oh poor guy like that is this guy this guy's older than you no he's 24 okay um but okay that's so that's one thing that happened but um yeah that was that was more of a dick thing to say than anything else poor guy poor guy yeah i mean that's what you two decided to do in your relationship and now he's like somehow judging you guys for like what because you didn't want to like take a pill every day that would affect like your biology and your body and like there's always side effects to any pill

and you decided to not do that but you also want to have protected sex like like fuck him for like shaming you for for being responsible in a relationship right and like i from that i'm pretty sure my boyfriend still got more from it than i did in that scenario even though he was wearing a condom yeah either way that's kind of besides the point but yeah and you know listen people in relationships can not like you can just you that's a conversation a couple can have to be like you know our what's the risk you know a guy and a woman can say you know like you can have the it's not a dick thing to have the conversation but like he was shaming you for that wasn't to have a conversation he was like making making you feel bad for trying

to be safe you know then you know sex is it and that's why i i hate that comment more than the other one where it's just like oh i hate condoms like yeah everyone hates condoms so like the fact that he said that i don't think it's that big of a deal but i think it's just like, oh, I hate condoms. Like, eh, everyone hates condoms. So like the fact that he said that, I don't think it's that big of a deal, but I think it's a bigger deal that he tried to shame you for doing it. And I guess, I don't know. And everyone has that perspective on it.

And to me in the moment, it didn't, I don't know. I didn't feel shamed. It just was like, I don't know. It just felt like we were having. Well, exactly. And you were there and we weren't, right? And so trust your instincts. So where are we now?

And yeah. We did end up hooking up before I left. Did you use a condom? He bought a condom. All right. Great. And he wasn't, he didn't like, I was a little bit in my head,

like, is he going to make a comment about this? Like after something, but he didn't. The following week I had moved back out to school and at this point texting had kind of faded already um and so fast forward a couple weeks ago it had been a month since we talked we haven't talked we hadn't talked at all but you know still friends on snapchat see things whatever um but I couldn't I felt like I needed to reach out to him because I didn't know exactly why we faded in texting and, like, what happened. And, like, to me, I'm holding on to this idea of, like, we still talk here and there when I'm gone. We hang out when I come home. when I'm gone, we hang out when I'm come home. So then like, when I do move home,

there's the potential to like, we can know and like, become like, I want my general question. Well, okay, so I reached out to him. And I said, Hey, how have you been? I wish we were still talking. And he responded a minute later, which I took as a really good sign. That night, we texted back and forth for three hours, like flirty, texting, talking, catching up, because it had been a month since we talked. The following night, same thing, talked for like a couple hours. He suggested FaceTiming that later that week, which surprised me because, you know, he had told me he wasn't a FaceTime guy, like, and I didn't know if that would then, you know, set an expectation for the future. But I was like, yeah, we should. I was super excited about it. Day comes that we talked about FaceTiming. I reached out to him. I said, Hey, are you still able to FaceTime tonight?

And he took a while to respond, which probably was, I was like, okay, he probably doesn't want to anymore. And he texted back and he said, how mad would you be if I said maybe not tonight? Which I thought was a weird way of wording. Yeah, it was. which I thought was a weird way of wording. Yeah, it was. Yeah. So I was just like, okay, this is why I don't like initiate things and ask because I don't like how

that feels when you're like, oh, nevermind. So where are we now? Okay. So he, we didn't end up FaceTiming. He bailed on that. I don't know why. And, but he still snaps me. We still text occasionally. I am going home this weekend. And he knows that. And we've talked about hanging out. Probably will hang out. And I just don't know. my general question that I wrote in about is

is it possible for him to you know he's probably viewing me as like a casual hang right now since I'm not around but like can I hang out with him casually but then in the future

switch like I think you're playing a dangerous game with yourself and with your feelings and with your heart is what you're asking possible sure yeah it's far more likely it's gonna gonna end the way you hope and that's going to have a big cost and what it's going to feel like when it ends is heartbreak and a breakup for a relationship you actually never had and we do that a lot right because you what you are doing that's similar to relationships is you are having some sort of expectations and you're doing a lot of wondering and hoping and waiting

and investing for someone because you've decided this is a great guy i haven't matched with a guy like this in a while in two weeks there was a lot that i liked but then we had this conversation about it ending and and and rightfully so like we didn't want to do long distance and then from that moment on you guys like kind of like froze that relationship in time and then sort of glorifying what it could be had you not moved yeah right and then you moved and then like you still had the idea of how great it was but like you know as everything does as you guys talked more there he did and said some things that you know disappointed you most of which you are not chalking up to his feelings towards you like you're almost giving him an excuse and excusing the things he says

because you're like, well, of course, like we're not in a relationship and I'm long distance and what can I expect from him? And like, you know, if I were in his,

you're like, you're, you're trying to empathize with him a lot because you want to keep this going and, and you know, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And you got to stop trying to think about what anything he does means because you're not in a relationship with him and if you are going to keep talking this guy and hanging out with this guy and communicating with this guy and even hooking up with this guy you got to i think it might be impossible for you or anyone who has feelings. Cause you like, you have some sort of feelings that you got to stop it. The why doesn't matter for him because you don't have expectations of him or you shouldn't have expectations of him. But the problem is you do and you're developing expectations of him.

I, I feel like I don't have expectations. Yeah, but there's no big picture wise. I don't have expectations. Yeah, but there's, oh, big picture wise, you don't. But like, even the expectation of once he said we should FaceTime and you said yes, you expected him to follow through, which is a logical expectation. I get it. But you care.

And because you want him to FaceTime, then you have this expectation of him following through with the things he's saying that he will do. And that's a nice thing to have but like that's a risk for someone you're not dating who's also not you know living in the same city what why did it happen i don't know maybe he matched with someone else who lives in a city and he went on a date instead of facetime you know you're clearly not a big priority for him and he's not a big or you guys shouldn't a big priority for him. And he's not a big, or you guys shouldn't be a priority for each other because you're not dating. And that's where it gets, things get real sticky because there's a part of you that wants to still feel like somewhat of a priority. And

you're like being realistic. You're like, well, I mean, I get it. Like, I don't want to like, I know I'm not your girlfriend, but like, I do want you to at least prioritize me enough that when you say you're going to do something, you do it. Yeah. I want you to prioritize when I come to town that you make time for me. You know, I want to prioritize that like you go out of your way. And I think this is a very dangerous game. You know, I think you either have to put yourself out there and fight for it and say, I know you don't want a long distance relationship, but I do. And I want it with you.

And he will probably say no, but, but that's not the point. The point is that's what you decide you want. And you're willing to put yourself out there at the risk that he might say yes. And if he does say no, you need to be very careful about like your interactions and the expectations you have of him, you know, because you have more expectations than you want to admit to yourself. You're trying to be like the cool chick and understanding chick and and the cool girl but at the same time like you decided you liked him yeah i mean i am i try i'm i am i really am

okay right now while i'm gone with just like talking here and there like I don't have more expectations than that but yeah at the end of the day I do like him I still like um what do you know I mean have you spent much time actually getting to know him since you moved I mean like the first five dates yeah but other than you know like you know would you guys date the first two weeks right like you know that's when you get excited about someone right it's easy to say well gosh shit i mean it feels like i've known you forever because like you haven't been excited in a while and so you get excited and and when you're both like fuck fuck, I would totally have kept dating, but we're not. Also, like, since he knows that you're leaving, God, everything people say to each other in those moments, like, I just wouldn't take, like, I'm not saying he's lying or you're lying. But it's just very easy to, like, play up things because they sound nice.

And since you haven't felt that in a while. Yeah. That's how you feel in the moment. since you haven't felt that in a while. But that's how you feel in the moment. It's nothing like you don't know how things would have played out had you didn't move and you would have continued to get to know each other and you would have continued to hang out and you would have continued to learn more about him.

And for all you know, he could have turned out to be the biggest fucking douche in the world. You know? I know. I tried to like, I think I saw somewhere somewhere on your an insta post from your podcast or something or something you said it was like if you can imagine that it would have been perfect and amazing you can also imagine that it wouldn't have worked out and it would have been bad yeah and you're basing so much about your your hope for this solely based off this exciting two weeks that you've kind of frozen in your mind.

And you want to put that on ice and get back to that feeling whenever it is you're back at home. And that's just not realistic. And you're just literally fucking with your own heart. You're playing a dangerous game. fucking with your own heart you're just you're playing it like you're gonna you're playing a dangerous game because if you keep doing what you're doing eventually it most likely will end

and you will have to mourn the loss of someone you never dated yeah and I think I like to I guess I like to think that I'm good at like keeping a distance from the situation and not we all like to think that I'm good at like keeping a distance from the situation and not,

we all like to think that, but we all are human. Yeah. But like, okay. So I'm going home this weekend and probably, I mean, so I thought when we talked about hanging out,

you know, if he was going to say like, Oh, come over like eight, 9 PM, I was going to be like, no, like, if he was going to say like, Oh, come over like eight, 9 PM. I was going to be like, no, like if he was just going to be like,

come over and hook up kind of thing. Why not? Like you want to date? That's a thing. You know, you have expectations of him. That's my point. Because realistically,

if this is about a hookup or keeping someone close, yeah, he should have the right to be like, Hey, all right, well I'll be home at 10. We'll hook up or maybe we'll grab some dinner or whatever but super casual because like but no you're kind of hoping that he carves out a little bit of time for you and makes it at least somewhat special and like keeps that flicker of a spark and like lets you know that there's some sort of priority very dangerous game you're playing with yourself but okay but he

said like he did like he wants to spend like the whole like late afternoon or mid-afternoon like we're gonna like he has like all these different have you been waiting on him to like make plans and shit i just think the best thing for you is to try to be as much in control of the situation. And that means not hoping he makes plans or tells you what he wants to do. You're the one who's coming into town. You're the one who's going to catch up with friends and family.

You're the one who should have like a very limited free time, right? So you should be the one who's like, hey man, I have this window. These are my available times. I'm going to be hanging out with friends and family. if you're available great i'd love to see you if not no hard feelings like that's how you should approach it but no like you're going about it being like you're kind of you're most likely as my guess is like all the other people who want to

see you and spend time with you who miss you you're kind of like putting them on a soft hole because you want to find out what he has planned for you first and that's pretty fucked up for yourself yeah I mean my sister knows I'm like planning things with my sisters and I'm like okay you should come this day because I think I'm seeing him

definitely don't do that make your priority make your plans with your sister and your friends and let him know that they are the priority and if he wants to find time to hang out with you, he has these very small windows. And don't fucking bend on those windows. If he wants to not go to the gym or hang out with some other Tinder date, he can choose to hang out with you. He can shift things around. Don't give him like one half hour window.

Give him a couple windows. But let him know that you have other priorities with your sister, your family, your friends and events. And that will, I can trust me. He has a far greater chance of like doing that. And if he,

and if he feels like you're waiting on him, there's a good chance you'll be waiting on the whole time and very disappointed. Okay. Yeah. I definitely have a hard time of being chill when I really like somebody. You can simply chill. I'm not telling you to be mean or freak out.

It's not about being chill. This is about setting boundaries and enforcing them. This is about setting expectations. It's about prioritizing your time. And you got to be careful not to make him too much of a priority your sister's a priority your friends are a priority your parents your friends back home that you haven't been able to see not some fucking guy you hung out with for two weeks that you like hope someday in the future you guys might reconnect

when i say it like that i think you could agree that's kind of insane no i fully acknowledge and that's what you're doing right so you and you can still hang out with them you can get everything you want and all you have to do is just go about it a different way and it's the opposite of what you think you should do it's letting him know that you have other priorities that your time is limited and that he can choose to make time for you either way these are the things that are a priority and then you can find out whether at any point he's willing to make you at all a priority and if he's not that's a telling that maybe you should stop holding on to this pipe dream because he couldn't even make time for you

so say we hang out you think that like my sister thinks that i should have a conversation with him saying like i still like you i don't see this as just like if that's how you feel yeah you should say that yeah but i i don't want to scare oh well if you listen to this podcast like that's not it doesn't matter what you're afraid of yeah you should say it because you are afraid yeah scare him away of what like you don't think you're worth that to have someone like go out of the way to make you a priority i mean he straight up told me before that long you know long distance didn't work for him in the past so like yeah maybe that wasn't his

person you know what i'm saying at the end of the day you know if if you're worth it he'll make it work and if you're not like yeah he likes you but doesn. And if you're not, like, yeah, he likes you, but doesn't like you enough. So say, okay, so if he says no, then like if he reaches out again, even though like I don't respond or... That's entirely up to you. Then you have to decide,

are you actually able to control your feelings and emotions to maintain this more casual hookup relationship with zero expectations and, and allow you to like open up your heart and, and, and energy to other new people, even if it's in North Dakota, you know,

I don't know how, what the options are in North Dakota, but like he's, yeah. And as a result, this person's cannibal cannibalizing a lot of your free time and you're not even in a relationship with him so like you're you're giving him way too much power and way too much of your free time and energy and you're making him way too much a priority and you're getting very little in return

I think you should not be afraid of his answers. I know that's easier said than done, but you not being afraid of his answers will give you way more power than you have now. I feel like I would feel more comfortable like having that conversation though if we had been talking this whole time while I've been gone.

But you know, I haven't seen him in two months. Is it how you feel? Is it how you feel? That I like him? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Then you should can, are you comfortable getting naked with him? I mean, I did. Yeah. So you're comfortable getting naked with them and sharing body fluids. I think you can feel comfortable expressing your feelings. That seems reasonable. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I, yeah. And if he makes you feel bad for expressing how you feel, another reason maybe that he's not the amazing guy you thought he might have, might be, you know, everything you're afraid of is an opportunity to learn more about him and how he handles you expressing your feelings. So the very thing you're afraid of doing is the thing you should do to get more answers about the possibility that he's worth your time. Because you're so worried about like

what he might be willing to do. Are you really willing to invest in a guy who you're not in relationship with in the hopes that two or three years down the road when you're back in town, you guys like then learn about each other? Wouldn't you rather find out all this now so that you could decide not to do that and open yourself up to meeting new people? I mean, I'll be home in like eight, seven months. I mean, I know be home in like eight, seven months. Okay, yeah. I mean, I know that's still further down, but I mean, I have gone on dates out here. I'm not like zoned in on him. Sure, but you are to a certain degree.

It's okay. But like everything you're afraid of, is it like you should do? You should lean into your fears. And 100%, 100%, before you worry about what you tell him if you do see him, is that I think you should make it very clear to him that you want to see him. But these are your plans and these are your priorities. And you hope that he finds the time and you give him two or three options and you do not back down from those three options yeah i definitely give too much wiggle

room when i really like a guy yeah so don't do that okay all right let them chase you a little bit and don't be afraid that they won't chase so that you chase instead you know you gotta face some of these fears if you can do like everything changes once you can face your fears like once you can like let people know that you are the priority and not them if you can face some disappointment you you will get like some, like you will, you will feel like you're walking around with like all the answers and all the weapons. And like you, it's amazing how, like, you're not gonna get everything you want, but you're gonna get a lot more than you get right now, simply just by facing a few fears and being disappointed and not getting

what you want. What do you want? Go get what you want. Have some fun. Enjoy yourself. Communicate the things that you feel to him. And then let him tell you how he feels about you so that you don't have to wonder what it is. Okay. Yeah. I don't want to wonder anymore. Yeah. So don't.

Oh, okay. I will talk to him if I see him. All right. Best of luck. Make sure you prioritize friends and family. Give them a few options. Four tops, but three is better. Four tops. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you. All right. Best of luck.

How's it going? Hey, it's going good. My name is Taylor. I'm 26 years old. How can I help, Taylor? Yeah, so last Christmas, I was visiting a friend in Denver over Christmas break, and I was really unhappy with where I was living, my job, and basically my entire life situation, at my job and basically like my entire life situation and I was hoping to make a change so my friend introduced me to someone who also works in the same industry as I do but he's like in his late 30s he's got at least 10 years of experience on me um and he's got a bunch of leadership experience and roles at the company in Denver so he was like

why don't you talk to him and you know see what comes of it so it's like okay so we started talking we started texting started calling each other and it's really only about work and career advice and like mostly complaining about people at work and the kind of tasks that we have to do. So about like a couple of months ago, I moved due to a family medical emergency. And while we're not, we're no longer texting or calling about work, he's basically just texting me like once every week or every two weeks asking me how I am and I'm since we don't have a shared interest anymore I would respond like oh like I'm doing this this give him sufficient detail and he'll just end the conversation with like a three or four word sentence so he doesn't really continue the conversation um and every time he does this I'm like okay well I'm just trying to be polite like

I don't want to give him the wrong impression that like it's anything more than what it was but I'm curious I will text him sometimes, like out of the blue. And he takes like at least a day or longer to respond. What do you mean when you're curious? I think because he'll text me and then he'll, for example, he texted me when he was at the airport. He was like, oh, I'm just bored right now and then like afterwards i was like what was that all about so i texted him later he told you he was bored he did well he did okay he didn't he implied that he was bored okay does that make sense sure he did

okay he wasn't he wasn't like oh i'm bored and i'm trying to waste time well you've been to the airport yeah you've waited for a flight yeah pretty boring stuff isn't it it is yeah so i thought it was interesting for you to talk to you you know what i mean why you he was bored so so you're you're you're what do you want because at first you were like, I want, you know, like there, at first you implied that you were talking to him strictly as like a colleague, someone that might be a mentor or whatever you're getting advice from. You no longer need advice in this area. And he's continued the conversation.

And you implied that like, you don't want more. It's not more. And then you immediately shifted to saying well i was curious about it's like it shifted to wondering what his intentions were so his intentions his intentions don't necessarily matter uh if you know your intentions matter first like what do you want okay and based off what you want then you can decide whether you should worry about or not like if you decide you don't like him then like if he's not like harming you or annoying you harassing you then

like and it's you know he's texting you and you're like oh whatever and since you're always replying you are letting him know that to some degree you're receptive to it, right? You're like someone to talk to. I don't know. You've never set a boundary of saying, hey, listen, just, you know, you could opt to just not reply, you know? And then if you're worried about being rude, be like, oh, sorry, I'm just busy giving that bullshit or whatever. But now you're caring about what his intentions are. And I'm curious as to why. Yeah, I think he kept texting me. I think that's why I was always like, huh, because he would keep texting me and then I would take a while to respond because I'm busy and then I'll respond and then it's like end of conversation.

Like there's not a lot. He can keep going. And so he'll respond and then I won't text him back. And then he keeps doing this and so i mean i know what i want but i was curious it's unclear to me oh yeah oh okay i mean i want to be in a relationship with someone and probably not a long distance one and probably not with someone who's a lot older than i am okay Okay. So you don't want him? Probably not.

No, not really. Probably not, not really, or definitely not? Definitely not. Okay. So definitely not. So why does it matter why he's texting you? Because I'm curious. I want to know why.

Why are you? I want to know his intentions. Why does his intentions matter if you know what you want and what you want is not him? Because I'm curious about people. And I honestly don't understand. Does that make sense? Like, it's purely an intellectual thing. Okay, well, then if it is purely intellectual and you're just curious, then ask him. That's the thing. Like, I just want to understand. Then if it is purely intellectual and you're just curious, then ask him. That's the thing.

Like, he doesn't give me a straight answer. It would make a lot of sense if he's maybe interested in you, finds you to be attractive, thinks that you're nice. And maybe for him, it's a good chance that a lot of it has to do with convenience and boredom. Like, here's this nice girl that I've talked to. like i don't know she's younger or something but like maybe things in his life are a little bit slow and boring and there's a level of comfort and no lines have been crossed and he's not really worried about you liking him he has no plans

on dating you but like whatever i't know, like she seems cool. Could be that simple. Like what's, I mean, what are you gaining from, again, other than curiosity? Because your curiosity is still energy you're using to invest, it's your time, right? Yeah. Yeah, so like, so that's a cost, cost it's costing you something and that's fine maybe

you have enough free time to be curious but there's got to be some objective like i'm just curious i don't know if i like you're it's not you're not conducting like some sort of social experiment or you know like you're not going through some anthropology class of understanding like human conversations so like there's some reason why you're doing it and it's not that right yeah like do you want to know that he likes you to just validate you i don't know like maybe is it just i don't like him but it'd be nice enough he likes me i think he interests me because when i whenever i ask him for actual like um work output like i asked him to look over my resume i asked him to give me like a book to look over etc etc he hasn't really delivered and i think that's i don't know i i think he's just

an interesting person like the things he does i'm like huh what's this what's his deal i mean it sounds like maybe you're more interested in him than you want to believe or like you've decided that you don't want to date someone older than you or you decided you don't want to date someone who's far away from you. If his age was different, but he was, everything was the same. So his experience over what you do was what it is, but he lived in the same city and he was three years older than you. Would you be interested? I would probably not.

No, I wouldn't. Then, I don't know. I think you're wasting a lot of energy and time on something you keep saying or on something you keep saying isn't that important to you you should invest energy in things that are important to you when you're saying it's not so like i don't have the answer you know i can't you why is he do calling i guess my my i guess my question was i mean what i want to do is like make him stop it right you do i'm like okay okay just stop just you want to you want him to stop reaching out to you yes basically so you could just not reply it's a good chance it's a good chance he used but you have two options you can let it fade just not reply. It's a good chance. It's a good chance he used. But you have two options.

You can let it fade and not reply or you can have a slightly awkward conversation and say, like, we have no reason to talk. But like you have been replying to his boredom. And so you have been indirectly like letting him know that you don't mind it you just have one or two choices you could have a direct conversation that's going to feel a little awkward and he might get defensive and be like well i don't know like you could just not replied well i guess it's a little bit complicated because he's friends with my friend and they seem

pretty close too so i'm like i would start replying then start like just taking take longer to reply and when you reply be very brief don't get into conversations with him and then if he says hey that's exactly what i've been doing okay has he ever asked you like why it's diminished no he just keeps texting me then just stop you know or just tell him you don't want him to reach out anymore okay i think you should just stop like because like i think you should stop replying and then if he's just like whoa i haven't heard from you it's like oh sorry i sorry, I missed it. But like, you know, I'm just, he'd be like, I have a lot going on. And then if he keeps reaching out after you're like, make it pretty clear that you're not engaging.

Don't ever engage in a conversation with him. Then finally, you're just like, hey, listen, I just, you know, I don't. At some point, you might have to draw a very clear boundary. So you just have to decide whether you're there yet or not. But like you got this curiosity you have about it. Like, I don't, I don't quite get that. Your curiosity is why you've been, cause you will, because like you're, you're saying you want them to stop, but you're also curious enough and that's why you're replying of replying.

So it's, it's a little bit of a i used to be curious about him like this was a couple months ago now i'm like please stop all right well so yeah two choices you can just be direct and tell him that which is totally appropriate or if you don't want to have that conversation because it's it's going to feel awkward you could just not reply at all i see right like yeah you're a mutual friend and whatever like who cares you're not dating it's just you stop replying so i mean on the flip side hypothetically if i said i was interested and I wanted to pursue him, how would I approach that? Why are you even asking me that question? Because it's fine to think about what you would say. For fun or do you really, but you have no interest. You want him to stop.

This is just for fun. I want him to stop, but I was curious what you would say. If what you wanted to date him. Yeah. Then I would just tell him that. Really? Is that simple? Yes. Yes. It is that simple.

Yeah. Say what you want. I really... Oh, man. I really love how direct you are. I love it. There's no confusion. There's a lot of clarity. Yeah. I mean, you just gotta just say,

yeah, we should see each other more. I like you or I'd love to, or you just put in more time and energy, you know? But yeah. Yeah. But I think your curiosity can sometimes be confusing to people. You might be showing an interest in them that you don't have. So you got to check yourself and maybe not be so cavalier with your curiosity all the time, especially if you know what you want.

Well, the thing is, I mean, in a work situation, I'm curious about my coworkers, but I don't really know how to. Yeah, but in a work situation, you have to draw some lines and boundaries because you can be curious, but it just might not be in any of your business. Your curiosity doesn't entire entitle you to like learning about everyone. You know, and certain situations require certain boundaries, especially that can work. You know, hey, we talk at work, I talk to you about work, and I don't owe you any more information about myself. Now, some people can choose to cross those lines, because they develop into friendships at work, and that's fine. But your curiosity doesn't entitle you to more information about someone, you know, and obviously, he wants to talk to you but like

you know your curiosity might be misleading to people because you might be showing what they see as an interest and you're just curious and what's the line between being friendly and being curious yeah it's gonna be very confusing yeah i think if you don't have an interest in being friendly then you should be careful about how curious you are it's really none of your business if you if you don't want to give something of yourself right like are you do you feel comfortable maybe he's curious about you you ever consider that i don't think he is. No. Okay. Well, either way. You know?

Just because you're curious, but you don't want to be friends with someone, you should be careful about how you lean into that curiosity because it can be very misleading to people. Yeah. But as far as this particular situation, I think you just not respond to him or have an awkward conversation

and set some clear boundaries that he should respect. I have a difficult time doing that. That's my problem. I can tell. Sounds good. We'll try. It's something to work on. Alright? Okay. Well, best of luck.

Thank you. Thank you for how straightforward you are. Thank you for calling. I really appreciate the clarity you create. All right. Well, I appreciate you calling and listening. All right. Thank you.

Now practice. Okay. I will. All right. Take care. Yeah. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys.

Don't forget to send in your questions at ask nick at cast media.com cast with a k tune in tomorrow for our recap of michelle's season premiere and on wednesday the wonderful remi bader thanks for listening bye