The Viall Files - E337 Ask Nick - What If It Was Cocaine?

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we dive into talking with a caller who is processing their feelings after breaking up with their girlfriend, hooking up with a toxic ex, and then realizing that they made a mistake. They ask for advice about the process of getting back together with someone after breaking up with them, and the path to healing. Our next caller asks for advice about their fiancé, who turns into a different person when drinking is involved. They ask how to deal with someone you love when they constantly blackout and become aggressive when alcohol is a factor. Then we talk to a caller who is navigating if it is appropriate to have sex on the first date, citing that their sex-positive nature and eagerness to have sex on the first date is turning men off from the idea of continuing to date our caller. Lastly, our caller attempts to figure out if they can turn a casual flirting situation into something more serious, or if someone that started out as passive and casual is doomed to stay that way forever.  “Whether you’re with her or you’re not, you’re going to wish you would have given her this much energy.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit https://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/ViallFiles Article: Get $50 off your first order of $100 or more at https://www.Article.com/Viall Brooklinen: Go to https://www.Brooklinen.com and use promo code VIALL to get $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. DrinkWorks: Visit https://www.Drinkworks.com to see the Home Bar Classic and Home Bar Pro and to see the full selection of cocktails. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Everyone needs to unload to someone who's unbiased and who isn't judging. Visit betterhelp.com slash vile files and unload the stress. What's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition we are glad that you've chosen this show among others uh what do we what what's what's going on we got ally and amanda here I have a suggestion for people who might do a girls night or a Zoom night in their future because I had a very successful one with some friends from college. A Zoom night?

Yeah. With friends? Because we all live in different states. So we hang out over Zoom. And my friend Carly created a college experience Jeopardy. And she asked all of us like questions about, you know, college and things she like needed help remembering.

And then she made categories of like kiss and tell. So like people we'd hooked up with or like shows that we were in or shows that we didn't get cast in or like who said it, like quotes of people we went to school with. And then we all made cocktails and went through the game.

And it was very fun. It was like a trip down memory lane. Yeah. And it was like, there were some things about my history that i would like she was like oh yeah like he was the guy that bit your forearm when you were making out and i was like i literally forgot about that like there were moments of my past that i didn't even oh i like a good little uh But Jeopardy reminiscing. I have had a week of extremes and the good extremes. So like just a normal week for you. And especially extreme week. But the good extremes where I've been really consistent with the German with my grandfather.

Like we've been doing it like three times this week. And also I went on a great first date with this really lovely girl. Is Broken Leg guy done? No actually okay no actually had a really productive he actually yeah we had quite a conversation it was like a check-in basically where he was like I think I feel like you're advancing things and I worry that like I he was he got tearful he was like I just don't want to hurt you and like I just like want to like and proactively cry yeah well he was he got tearful he was like I just don't want to hurt you and like I just like want to like and proactively cry yeah well he was because he was like I think he was like you treat me really well and I'm just like worried that I'm gonna like I feel like maybe things are moving

on your end and I'm still where I was before um and he cried and he cried a lot and I was like and I you know to his credit I was like it was really cool of you to like initiate this conversation sure and like I feel like we've just been very like communicative so it was a welcome check-in but I the crying seems a bit excessive do you think there is any chance there was some performing on his part yeah like no I think he's just a really good guy and I think he I think my where do the tears come from of like my psychoanalysis is that he because he sort of alluded to like I just you know I want to handle this the way I would

want to handle it and I think he's maybe been really disappointed in situations ships like prior potentially like been the one who was trying to advance things and it didn't go over well and I think he thought he was like causing me pain. He's like a very like he's he's in therapy. He's very comfortable with his emotions. I was a little bit confused as to why it was happening. But, you know. Yeah. I mean, it's just a little intense for like early dating like, hey, this is just not going. No, but I feel like some I mean, I don't know this guy, but

I've been in the position of, I feel like whoever I'm with is advancing it more than I am. And like, I cried not to that person, but to a different person talking about the situation, not because I was like sad or anything about the situationship,

but it came from more of a sense of being overwhelmed and like frustrated with myself that I couldn't necessarily get to where that person was. So there's a lot of like behind the scenes emotion that I've gone through where I'm like, oh shit, I'm not where they're at. And I'm overwhelmed slash frustrated slash confused. I guess. I don't know. De-stigmatize crying. You know, I don't think it's a huge deal to cry. Sometimes I cry over stupid shit. Sometimes I cry over meaningful shit. I hope I'm not coming down on crying here.

I just... I was also... You're describing a level of intensity what would be normally appropriate for like an early like DTR. And we're like, you're not even breaking up. Yeah, we're just literally just saying we're not gonna...

You're doing things the right way. You guys are checking in. You're handling this maturely. And... I think part of it is that it was like You're really just saying we're not going to. You're doing things the right way. You guys are checking in. You're handling this maturely. And. I think it, I think part of it is that it was like, we hadn't slept very much the night before. Like, you know, so I think, and like also with like injury stuff, like he, he's just been like, you know, like.

He's just had a rough go of it. He's had a rough go of it. I think he was overwhelmed. And I feel like, but I would, I, at the end I was like, cause he kept apologizing. I was like, okay, now you're actively like activating my ego because I'm not upset at you saying this. Like, like, is it a little bit of like a kind of like, okay. Like, is it a healthy reminder that not everybody's like obsessed with me and wants to marry me? Yes. It's a very healthy reminder of that. But like, I'm not that disappointed by this, but the way you keep apologizing and like

crying, that's what I'm saying. It's almost like, why are you like, why do you feel like I'm not going to be okay? Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. Like the cry, it's just like, whoa, like, yeah, I don't know. We have a great episode for you. As always, I appreciate the people writing in their stories and we always need more stories to share so email us with your challenges and situationship problems at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K we have a great week lined up for you

the wonderful Allie Barthwell is back to recap the Bachelorette I know many of you who listen to our Bachelor recaps truly loved Allie. She was hysterical, had some great perspective, and you all wanted her back. So we are bringing her back.

And then on Wednesday, we have the very funny and charming Fibula. If you have been on TikTok, you've probably seen some of his content. Just a delightful guy and enjoyed my chat with him. That is on Wednesday. If you want just a nice, fun, loving conversation with two just men, tune in

on Wednesday. Other than that, again, don't forget to send those questions. If there's nothing else, let's get to our callers. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's get to our call. How's it going? Good. How are you? Great. Can I help? What's your name? My name's Becca. I'm 23, and I've been engaged for about two years together, or three years together for about four.

Okay. about two years together or three years together for about four. And I've been having a little issue with my fiance within the past year and a half, two years, blacking out. And he does some not awesome things. And it started this one time and then it happened once every three or four months. And I've made it quite clear that I'm not okay with this. This is something that we need to figure out very quickly. And then there was one big kind of thing about seven months ago. And he was just... Blackout, obviously.

And he was just, for the first time getting aggressive. And this is the most passive person I've ever like aggressive with you or just aggressive in general or like slamming doors and throwing things. Both. I mean, both. I mean, he never like hit me or like hurt me like that,

but there would be times where he would like charge at me. Like he was angry and then like fall on the bed or whatever. So after that experience, I kind of stayed up all night and then just wrote a huge long thing of just events that happened that night. Just this is what happened. This is what happened. This is what happened. And we had that discussion the next morning when he woke up does he have any recollection whatsoever uh no he knew that he had like fucked up because he couldn't remember anything and blacking out in general has been like an issue that we were like dealing with trying to work through and so this one he knew he like it was bad especially with me being out on the couch and him waking up

and i looked like i had no sleep you know so and when he's not drinking and not blacking out everything's just real good perfect yeah well and it's one of those things where it's i never have to worry about it if it's just me and him drinking or if it's like a small intimate setting like that. But if it's a social gathering where there's other people and everyone's kind of drinking, that's the only time it like really gets out of hand. So basically after that time, about seven months ago, I put it all out on the line and I was like, listen, if I'm ever scared for like my physical wellbeing again, ring is on the table. I'm going home. Like I'm not, that's a hard boundary, a hard line that I am not putting up with. When, when was that? When did you do that?

That was like seven months ago. And since then I have really seen him like be putting in a big effort to make sure that he's like not blacking out, keeping track of how much he's drinking. Like just, I can tell he's actively thinking and worrying about it every time there's alcohol involved. That being said, about a week ago, we were at a social gathering and he blacked out and I brought him home and he wasn't like aggressive. Like he was that last time, but blacked out to the point where he like, I woke up to him urinating and not the bathroom. So, and that has happened a couple of times. The way you describe your fiance

in some ways reminds me of one of my very close friends, not from an aggressive standpoint. He never made his now wife or any of his girlfriends to my knowledge feel uncomfortable or unsafe or he never got aggressive with them uh but he got aggressive with me and some of his other buddies or he would black out and and most of the time do things that would put him at risk or him in danger it was mostly about his safety and this the sweetest gentlest person in the world like everyone love but like he when he would drink whiskey he would go to this dark place and you could see it in his eyes he wouldn't like it's not he's not there exactly it's almost like i could describe it as sleepwalking like when he's in these States and he's like peeing everywhere,

like throwing up everywhere, you know, doing whatever. I'll talk to him and I'll be like saying words and he'll say something back, but it's not, he's not there. Like, it's like, he's asleep, you know, there's no use. So, listen, I mean, you know there's no use so listen i mean you know my buddy um it got to a point well he would go out he just his his girlfriend at the time this is like you kind of like the position you're in was like you just got to stop it just became a non-negotiable became and he cared enough to make a difference. And my buddy, I think he just

stopped, no shots, no whiskey, stuff like that. He kind of narrowed it down. You know, he's married with kids and it's, he doesn't, I think he might have a couple of beers and that's about it. He doesn't really do that. But when we, you know, when we were at a time in our lives where it was a lot of going out and, you know, you're engaged, but it sounds like you when we you know when we were at a time in our lives where it was a lot of going out and you know you're engaged but it sounds like you guys you know you guys are young so you have a group of friends you you know we we tend to be a little heavier drinkers at that age and sometimes we grow out of it and sometimes not but has has like have you videotaped him or tried i should that's's what everyone kind of says to me. But I'm just so pissed off in the moment and so upset.

This last time that it happened, I just left. I went to my parents' house. They don't live far. So I just left for the night, which I kind of regret because looking back on it, if he were to throw up in his sleep or whatever, it could have been dangerous. Is he open to just not drinking anymore um i don't we've talked about it but i don't want to be that person that's like well it is that person what do you mean you don't want to be that person i don't understand okay okay okay okay let me clarify i don't want to be in a position where I have to say, you have to stop drinking or having any, like doing that whole thing to be with me. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I don't know

what you mean. Why is that an unrealistic boundary to set for you? I don't think it's unrealistic. I think that if, if are, are you, what about, um, what if it was cocaine? What if it was heroin? Yeah, that's not, that's a no go. Okay. Well, I mean, I know alcohol is very socially acceptable. I understand it's part of our culture. I understand shit in some circles, like, you know, Hey, don't make me drink alone.

And it's one of those like things that we, we use as peer pressure and things like that. But the reality is, from a scientific standpoint, and I'm not a scientist, but alcohol is a very damaging drug. If you're looking for some wonderful new furniture, whether for your indoor rooms or your outdoor rooms, look no further than the wonderful article. Article is the easiest way to make your place look beautiful. It's a direct-to-consumer company that combines the curation of a boutique furniture store with the comfort and simplicity of online shopping. I got so many compliments on my article couch. It's comfortable. It looks great. As the weather gets cooler, it's time to start thinking about a return to entertaining,

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are like noticeably soft yeah and it really class it like, it makes someone look so much classier. Yeah, there's that one time you came over and you like came out of the bathroom and you're like, how rich are you? And I'm like, actually, I was just like, I was just Brooklyn, you know? And so you can be that person too. You look swanky with your Brooklyn. Check out the gift guide to find the perfect present at the perfect price. Go to brooklyn.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L

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And first and foremost, it is a drug. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You know, and in terms of the damage it does is as significant as any drug out there. And yet I can be like, what if your husband did coke recreationally or heroin? And you're just like, of course, I wouldn't put up with that. Of course, I would be okay with saying I don't want to date someone who like does cocaine. And yet you're just like, I don't want to date someone who like does cocaine or and yet you're just like i don't want to like ask him to not drink yeah i guess it's just hard because this wasn't even close to being an issue when like the first two years of us being together

it's an issue now well yeah it's an issue now i i guess I just don't want to react. To your partner turning into a different person when he uses a controlled substance or uncontrolled, I guess. I guess it's somewhat controlled. Yeah. I mean, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, do you, you know what I'm saying? No. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. I, in theory, I totally get it. I understand, but it's, it's just hard. It's a shitty situation, you know? Sure. But I mean, he could start smoking weed or, you know, like you're not even asking him to like be completely sober. I mean, there might be, and again, maybe he doesn't have to quit drinking. You know,

maybe it's like there, I know a lot of people are just like, Oh, listen, if I want to drink, I have to drink beer because anything else I turn into a different fucking person. Like I have some friends, anytime they drink whiskey or it's tequila, some people react different to different types of alcohol and maybe it's that simple. Right. But also there's a, there's a world where you're just like, I tried this. I tried to be chill, but I just have absolutely zero room for ever dealing with this again. I don't ever want to feel like this. I don't want to be in love with someone who I have to leave the house because I don't feel safe or I'm just angry and imagine like having kids in this environment like well this is not yeah this is not this is not like a oh

that you're annoying you know like I don't like it when you play video games like you don't know what I'm saying this is not unfortunately for your fiance he doesn't know how to drink responsibly. And you've held a hard line. Yeah, he tried, but he fucked up again. And he's an adult man. So after he did that again, what did he drink? Did you know what he drank? Well, no.

Yeah, I wasn't babysitting his number of drinks or what he was having so not really i know you know we were with his family and both my family and his family are pretty heavy drinkers just in general yeah that's just a fact yeah that's that's the tough part you're gonna have to deal with right because you're up like i don't i'm when i was saying i'm curious like what people listening are thinking right because alcohol is a big part of our culture right it is you know movies tv shows you sporting events you know we're advertising alcohol and i drink you know i'm not a big drinker but i'll'll have a drink now and then. But it is something. I mean, when I was on the first season of The Bachelor, it was a group of guys that were heavy drinkers.

And part of the reason I didn't feel like I totally fit in with the core group of guys is because I didn't want to get drunk with them every goddamn day. And I know they judged me for it. It's like they couldn't trust me because I wasn't willing to get drunk with them. It's fucked up. But in our society does shit like that all the time. And so I empathize with the position you're in, uh, dating someone who's his family, even in your family, as you say, are drinkers. But does that mean you have to put up with that? Absolutely not. Does that mean you should? Absolutely not. Does it mean

that you don't have the right to just stand your ground as challenging as it may be and saying, I don't want this in my life. I don't want this in our lives. And if you want to give him like one more shot to like try to figure out how he can go about drinking responsibly, then maybe, but like, aren't you kind of at the end of the rope? And at some point he needs to be willing to give enough shits to do something about it. I mean, this should be like, you know, I was talking about my buddy, thankfully from him, it just really embarrassed him. You you know he got in himself in enough of trouble with enough of friends and he had to make enough of apologies and again it

wasn't from um he was like putting anyone risk or he wasn't violent in any way well and i want to be clear yeah it's terrible it's not like he does this that was a one you know he's never been aggressive other than that one yeah i get what you're saying it kind of reminds me i do it i don't want to like preface him as like an aggressive person that's just not him you know i get what you're saying i really do i mean i it reminds me a lot of someone i know and really just a generally ain't just a such a sweetheart on this person the point is yeah early in college around this age you know I was like okay you know but he got he just felt really embarrassed it was embarrassing he embarrassed himself it was like he had to start he just got

tired of apologizing to people and so like you know he just stopped you know he he just stopped. You know, he figured out what he had to do to stop putting himself in that position. So yeah, you're just going to have to reconcile with what you're willing to ask him to do. And I think you have to give yourself a little bit more grace to set some tougher boundaries at the risk of you feeling like you shouldn't have to babysit or you shouldn't have to tell him to do this or your family or his family being like, she's making you not drink. Like who the fuck is, you know, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. Like it's not okay. Yeah. Where we left things with our last conversation was I basically said, you've tried to figure it out on your own. You still have no idea when it's coming, when you're going to blackout.

You just have no idea. So I need you to get help from someone else, whether that be someone that specializes in alcohol or a therapist or couples therapy, whatever. I need to see you try to figure this out further than just you being like, Oh, I'll just like keep track of what I'm drinking. Does he need to drink? Does he drink every day? No, no, no, no. That's the thing. He's not even a huge drinker. It's just when he's out in these social situations with like his friends or his family.

I think I listen, I'm always, we're huge advocates for therapy, just being a normal human being in society. And I'm not saying, you know, therapy is not going to help, but it doesn't necessarily have a drinking problem or not reliant on alcohol to get through the day or things like that. But he is a binge drinker and he doesn't know how to drink responsibly.

And so, I mean, like a therapist or like, it's just, again, it might be as simple as like, don't drink this or that or, or, and again, if it's not anyone alcohol, then he might need to not, you know, maybe it is. I only have four drinks. That's it. Because my buddy, it was always like, it was like, you know, it was the shots or this or playing drinking, you know, he loved drinking games. You know, he would be doing things that encouraged binge drinking yeah and you don't keep track and you know the night goes on

and eventually the lights go off right so like i mean who really needs more than i don't know what the number is but like for like to get a small buzz yeah you know like i don't know why i i don't i don't drink to get drunk so i can't necessarily relate i know that it's not everyone but and again if he wants to like get a little loose maybe does he smoke weed like god no one blacks out from smoking weed you know like no one gets violent or you know maybe it's something else. If he wants to find another way to like unwind, you know? Yeah. He does. He does.

So like, that's not, he already has that. Okay. So like, can he just like not drink the alcohol? The biggest thing is you need to stop feeling less guilty for setting some boundaries and drawing a hard line. You're right. Yes. I agree.

I agree. And you got to stop making excuses for him. And again, encourage therapy, couples therapy, but like couples therapy is not going to like, you know, I don't know. I don't know what a therapist would say, but I feel like they'd be like, I don't know, stop fucking doing things.

Again, because it's not like the way you're describing it. He's not an alcoholic. Again, I'm not an expert in this. I'm not in a position to diagnose someone, but it sure sounds like he's not reliant on it. You don't have to be an alcoholic to... From my understanding, some people black out and some people throw up.

I feel like there's two... I'm a throw-upper. I've never blacked out in my life. I can't relate to it. He's both. I have a fear of throwing up yes yes he's both because really because I feel like I yeah I I my body will reject the alcohol like I'll get to the point my body's like no no no no we're throwing this up because we don't black out and um he's throwing up and blacking out yes and he likes this why does it like does he not i don't know like i said it's

like he'll he'll start drinking and he'll think he's okay and then all of a sudden he's just not and he says he doesn't see i mean i try to make sure that he eats before he's going to like drink why are you trying like why is it like he's an adult man this should be embarrassing to him i mean it should i mean hearing the story that he got in any way aggressive or made you feel in any way unsafe assuming he's the sweetheart you claim he is it should have embarrassed him to an agree that would make him go, I'm never fucking doing that again. Yeah. And either stop drinking or making sure he's eating an entire fucking pizza.

And then maybe having a couple drinks because like, you know, that does matter. Like if you drink on an empty stomach and get fucked up, if you like have a bunch of carbs before it'll absorb the alcohol better. Yeah, absolutely. So like, is it that hard?

I don't know. Like anything else. Sometimes as an adult, we like look at, absolutely. So like, is it that hard? I don't know, like anything else. Sometimes as an adult, we like look at a situation and we like take extra steps and precautions to make sure that we're safe and the people around us are safe. You know, as your fiance on some level, you know, I'm assuming you want him to be a protector. I want my girlfriend to protect me and I want her to, and I want to protect her. And why is it too hard to ask for him to like take a couple steps when it comes to like him going out and having fun and enjoying himself that he can't like take certain precautions? Is it too hard to ask him to wear a seatbelt when he gets in a car? What's the fucking difference? You know, he's an adult, like a six year old.

You're like, I don't know. Like I, you should wear a seatbelt, but like, I can't, you know, they're six. I can't trust them to always remember to put a seatbelt. So I got to tell them. And you know, he's an adult, like a six-year-old. You're like, I don't know. Like you should wear a seatbelt, but like, I can't, you know, they're six. I can't trust them to always remember to put a seatbelt. So I got to tell them. And you know, I get it. You don't want to babysit them. You're, you are engaged in adult man. So he needs to fucking act like it.

And if he does it, then yes, you have to set some boundaries and you have to stop feeling bad. He's the one who's making you feel like you have to do this because he hasn't chosen to do it on his own and i would be what if i'm his friend or if i'm you i'd be like why doesn't this embarrass you to the point that you want to go so far out of your way to ensure that you don't do this again because like he can help it yeah yeah i agree i agree that's and there's no level of which you can go that would you know he could accuse you of being a bitch or or mean you know what i'm saying like where what he crossed that line and now you know don't make me have to do this man like what the fuck why don't i don't want to call into a podcast and ask some guy like his opinion like why are you putting me in this position yeah and he is and he needs to own that

and take ownership for it yeah expect him to want to hold himself accountable yeah because yeah i don't want to babysit someone i'm dating either so make sure he doesn't put you in a position to feel like you have to. Okay. I will. I'll try my best. At least. Don't try your best. You can do this. Okay.

Come on. Why, why don't, why don't you feel like you can do this? What's stopping you from. The idea of even like semi breaking off an engagement, like. Yeah,

no, I get, I get that, but like, you know, like I don't want. Why does that, what's that point?

Do you, I mean, does there, something in your gut tells you that he's not willing to do this? No, I like he is, he definitely is. But I,

I thought that the last time and it was good for seven months. And then out of nowhere, it wasn't good anymore. So like, I'm just worried that it'll be good for a while until it's not good. Well, I guess what I'm saying is there's a, it seems like there's a part of you that even maybe you said, I don't like this, that you are, maybe it's not good. Well, I guess what I'm saying is there's a, it seems like there's a part of you that even maybe you said,

I don't like this, that you are maybe it's like you, I feel like you haven't come down on him hard enough. Yeah. Before like you get to the point where you're, you know what I'm saying? Like, I think you have the right to kind of like lose it on him. I don't mean like in a toxic way. I agree.

Thank you for your advice. All right. So I don't mean to be so hard on you, but it's a, you're not being hard. It's just Thank you for your advice. All right. So I don't mean to be so hard on you, but it's a... No, you're not being hard. It's just, it's what I need to hear. I get it. I just, you know, sucks.

Relationships are hard. That's all. I know. And this does suck and I empathize with you. And, but I think this is salvageable. And if he is the guy you say he is and you think he is,

then he should want to make he should want to fix this and it's fixable yeah it totally is it is yeah so all right thank you best of luck I appreciate it all right take care how's it going

what's going on Nick Johnson how can I help Johnson so basically i was dating my ex-girlfriend from the beginning of quarantine to about five weeks ago like a month ago okay and so we um so when i i got out of a relationship, I'm a, at the time I was a sophomore in college. The whole freshman year I was dating a girl and I was just not really into that relationship. Probably should have ended sooner than it did. And I got out and this girl that I had always been friends with, had always had a great relationship with, um, kind of,

we started hanging out a little bit one-on-one during quarantine and one thing led to another and, you know, we started hooking up and it was hard. It was a little weird at first. Cause like, I had just gotten out of relationships. I didn't really know, like if it was the kind of thing I should jump into, she ends up hooking up with another guy. And because, you know, we're all, we're,

you know, I'm in college. We're all still in the same social circles. So to make sure I'm understanding. So the girl you started talking to after you broke up with your other girlfriend, yeah, you guys are hooking up,

but you're not ready to fully commit. So in the meantime, she hooked up with someone else. Cause Hey, fuck it. You guys are. Yeah. Cause you're not ready to fully commit so in the meantime she hooked up with someone else because hey fuck it you guys are yeah because because that was the agreement yeah yeah totally does that and i'm i'm like oh like feel it so i kind of i'm like okay so i clearly feel this way about this girl so we end up i actually kind of approach her and i'm like look like uh i really like you um you know I know because of all of these ways I'm feeling because of you know you kiss this other dude and so we ended up from there started to

date and we both stayed home that semester because like COVID was all weird so you know pretty much like she was nannying I was staying at home i was um doing working a little bit and you know we started hanging out like pretty much every day um don't have a ton of memory honestly of like that whole time because it's all a blur because nothing really happened then we end up going to school um that second semester she goes to school 50 minutes away from where i do so are you guys like dating now yes yes we're dating she talks with So are you guys like dating now? Yes. Yes. We're dating. She talks to another dude.

You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. I like you. She's like, fuck it.

I like you too. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she told me, she's like, I'd like to kind of for a minute. I just was like,

yeah, kind of following your lead. And then you guys kind of hang out. Not in school. All right, cool. Now, you know,

you're 50 miles back to school and you're 50 miles go back to school and it's like we're kind of doing long distance and this is where it gets complicated because her school was in like a bubble for covid so i couldn't see her for six weeks even though you know we're an hour away um and so that put a lot of strain on our relationship i think for her she was in a not a great great mental space. And for me, I wasn't, I don't think I was emotionally, um, available enough to be everything she needed to be or needed me to be, um, at that time. And so we kind of struggled that semester towards the end. The first half wasn't that bad. We started struggling towards the end. Um, and then we

got back to school or we got back home last summer and we both kind of agreed like to break up. So we spent a month and a half apart during the summer. Um, and you know, initially like I just was kind of checked out. Um, and so I didn't feel like I needed to process anything really. Like I was like, Oh, it's over. Like whatever. So then, you know, I'm like, cool, I'm going to do my thing. And I end up, um, you know, I'm going out with my friends and I end up my, my ex-girlfriend, my other ex-girlfriend, not the first one. I, this is no,

this is the one before that. Okay. Some girl you dated in the past. Yeah. Like in high school. Oxic relationship. She ends up cheating on me and I never talked to her pretty much again. Like after that, she cheated on me and I was like, cool, we're done. Three years go by and there's clearly something still kind of there.

Cause she, cause I see her out and we're in still in like mutual, we have mutual friends and one thing leads to another and we start hooking up with my toxic ex-girlfriend from three years ago. And so that goes on for three weeks. And then my other girl from my most recent girlfriend that I broke up with, she on my, on my birthday, no, she doesn't find out yet, but on my birthday, no, she doesn't find out yet, but on my birthday she posts like

a hot ass thirst trap, basically on my birthday, which is like kind of like, yo, like a little dig and I sat in my bed for like three days straight just like, what the fuck have I done? Well, why didn't you reach out to her?

So did you end it with the most recent girlfriend the thirst trap yeah basically i did it was more me but we both kind of knew it was coming it was more me because i like would just felt like she would get upset with me about you know i would want to go with my friend that she would you know be like upset with me and i just kind of felt like I couldn't give her what she was saying. So like you guys were having issues, at least from your point of view and you decided, Hey, I don't think this is going well for us. Yeah. And it was more of like, look, I love you and I appreciate you. And I want you to go find someone who can meet your needs at that level.

Cause I don't feel like I can, uh, in the state i'm in because you know we're young and all that and and when you broke up with her she like was she like cool or did she resist uh you know she was pissed no she we both kind of knew like what's best um so it was and she you know wanted to look hot on your birthday you know whatever good for her yeah yeah exactly so she does that and i'm bedridden for three days because now i'm like okay what the fuck have i done like i miss her so much and you know this other girl uh that i'm hooking up with that's my toxic ex-girlfriend is like kind of in her friend group too so and we're like doing this on the low it's like a really like sketchy situation shouldn't be happening really and i'm like oh my god like what if what

is the situation I've got myself into so I get back I was in Chicago I get back I when when all of that happened I get back I end it with my ex my toxic ex that I was hooking up with and then I meet up like the following day to talk to my other ex-girlfriend uh basically you know it's like look i miss you and like i'm starting to realize like what i actually truly lost and i felt like i was a little too quick to break up with her before instead of maybe pushing through it uh and you know like i just kind of told her i was like i've just felt like we broke up too quickly like i broke i gave up too easily and i want to give it more of a shot now because this pain like i never thought i would feel this and how i feel this and to me like i was like i gotta do something about it so then she asked me about like have i

hooked up with anyone because you know that's the kind of girl she is. She's just a person, man. That's not the type of girl she is. Well, you know, some people are like, don't tell me anything. I guess. In the situation you are in, I don't think most people are in a not-want-to-know situation.

Yeah. Not at 20. Yeah, So again, probably, right. Especially when, you know, we only,

we have a pretty small, like bubble of people. Yeah. So what did you do? So I told her, I told her everything. And she was so broken and hurt and felt so betrayed because she, like this ex was,

because this ex was someone who she was always a little bit concerned about. Okay. She was always a little bit concerned that like not everything had been resolved between me and her. Cause she, you know, there was a moment where. In some ways it wasn't, you know, she cheated on you and fucked up your ego. She was 100% right. You know, you, you, when you were like, oh, there was something left. There was something there.

What was there was your ego and wanting to feel validated and she hurt you and my guess is when you hook back up you liked and feeling that you probably associated her attraction to you or willing to look up with you as some sort of regret on her part or her feelings are and i don't fucking know you know what i'm saying 100 is that necessarily excuse do i expect your current ex-girlfriend to understand that necessarily but you know you wouldn't be the first one who's fallen into that trap before you're right like it was there was all of these things that were tied up in it although like obviously it went a little too far i tried to kind of explain to her like look like this was a moment of vulnerability

for me that i don't feel like i've been able to have in a long time and yes it was a mistake but I feel like I've actually been able to learn and grow from it a little bit and I think I actually would be able to give you a little bit more of a vulnerable version of myself that I wasn't able to do before because I'd created this weird persona of myself of like oh I gotta be this guy I gotta be very strict I gotta be like very you know I was I was too worried about being the cool guy uh you know before and I was I like created this version of myself that I really wanted to be and when I did this thing and I hooked up with her like I completely threw that out the window and although it was the wrong thing I realized like that's okay that's being human that's feeling that's making decisions not fully

based on just the logic of the situation so i explained that all to her and she was like huh okay like i actually kind of get that and i feel like it sucks that this is what it took like to for you to do like for this to happen for you. But you know, she's like, I, I am glad that you were able to do that because she was like, I do feel like you're too strict on yourself and you're too hard and you don't let yourself feel and you don't let yourself experience life at a level that, uh, other people do. Um, yeah.

Also the important thing in that moment is that you were a single person. You say, well, I shouldn't have done it or it was wrong. You know, technically it wasn't wrong. You were single. Now, was it the healthiest thing for you to do personally? I don't know. I get your logic, right? You're right.

You're a 20-year-old young man. You should be experiencing life. You know, what were you going to get out of, know this is about validating your ego that's not necessarily healthy etc etc uh but technically you didn't do anything wrong does that mean not not doing something wrong for yourself doesn't always mean that you're not going to impact other people's feelings around you you know and you can't go about life. If you're going to be not in a relationship, then unfortunately you can't, I mean, you've had told one story about three exes, you know, and I'm sure each of your exes would want you to be empathetic to their needs,

even outside of that relationship, but that's not a perfect world. And that's good that you are thoughtful and you're considerate and you don't want to hurt these people, but technically you didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. All that um where are you guys now so i was like look like i want to give this another shot i want to be the best boyfriend i can to you and in a true and genuine way and not just forced because of this state of desperation yeah and so we end up she slowly but surely like starts accepting that and so then we date not date but we're like together we never get technically get back together um and then we were together for probably a month and a half and then i go back to school i'm in school now i'm here

and she goes back to school and night one there's this dude he kind of tells her like look like i really thought we would work out i thought something between us would work out and and like she was just really bummed out about him she's like you know like i'm sorry like i'm with i'm with my boyfriend like i love him so much like he's the person i want to be with and i feel guilty because she felt like she might've let him on a little bit. And so then the next day she calls me and it's like, Hey, like I had this conversation and I'm feeling all these different types of ways about it. And I'm like, well, what do you mean?

She's like, I feel like we may have rushed into things between us a little bit too much too fast, because although you are the person I want to be with and although like I love you so much I feel like I might have been a little too quick to just take you back instead of maybe seeing what else is out there and seeing if there was someone with a better connection with me than you and she's like I felt like I kind of just took you back just because I still loved you if you were like hey like I want you back and I want to do this so it was just kind of like of course I would you know where she didn't really think like this is the choice I want to be with that he's the guy I want to be with

and everyone else out there for me is like not right like Johnson is the person for me basically and um so then we and she ended i was like that happened like day she got back and then i was like all right well i understand why you feel that way and i did some things you know while we were apart that you know like hurt you and i want you to be able to feel like however you want to feel and so i was just like you know let me know what you think and so two days later i like called her. She like, can it really give me an answer? I called her and I was like, look, like, uh, you know, like I kind of want to know like

where you're at. Cause I feel like I'm in limbo. Um, and then she was like, well, like you're the person I want to be with and like all this stuff. And she's like, I might just be overthinking this. So we kind of just push it aside and we're like, let's move forward. Two weeks later, I go over to her school to help her move some stuff. And we're happy.

We're having a great time. She's hugging on me, kissing me, whatever. And then she's like, hey, can we talk? And I'm like, sure. And she's like, basically, all of these thoughts have continued to linger. I feel like we rushed into this maybe a little too much. And I want to be with you so badly. And I'm entering the zone of like a level of commitment that like is entering that realm of like, oh,

I'm going to marry this kid. And she's like, I can't do that. And I can't give that to you and commit to you. Unless these doubts or these what ifs about other guys or anyone else out there being better for me than you goes away because like in the back of her mind she was like something just doesn't feel fully right about this um and so she kind of was like look like i hope that you know if we just find one day that we're meant for each other we'll find a way back to each other but for now like i gotta go and i gotta go figure these things out and so i think the best thing is for us to break up and it was super heartbreaking and now i'm here and that was like five weeks ago and

i've just been feeling so many things because i'm like trying to put some sort of because it's like it was like okay it's over but it's like, is the door closed? Like, it didn't sound like that. I mean, listen, I really appreciate your call. Through your pain and sadness, I'm enjoying this call because it's so relatable. And, you know, you seem like a nice guy. You're a handsome fellow.

I don't think you're going to have any problem having women attracted to you. My question to you when you were telling your story, minus a thirst trap photo and you guys missing each other, which makes sense why you guys missed each other, why the fuck did you guys get back together? What changed? You talked about this story

and you were like, something caused you guys to break up and you made some comments like well that's that's who she is and a certain type of personality and you only got back together from what i could tell because you missed her of course you missed her she's a quality person you liked you cared about her you guys had feelings for each other and when you break up with someone short of them like being just fucking miserable or cheating on you and even if you cheat on you they cheat on you you miss them as you you've already learned oh yeah but getting you know missing someone is not a justifiable reason to get back together and yet and i'm not criticizing you i've i've been there i've done what you've done but we often fail

to uh ask ourselves and each other the tough questions of what's going to be different this time around. And missing you isn't a reason to get back together. You know, and she'll say things like, oh, like, I might want to marry you and I definitely want to be with you. But like, she has no fucking clue if she wants to marry you. You don't know if you want to marry her. You guys are only 20 and you know the older guy is definitely like you guys should go and fuck a bunch of people and enjoy college and you're just in your feelings right now and you miss like i i kind of say you you feel like you're handling this pretty well you know like you you're sad you're trying to process this you're trying

to be empathetic you're trying to be mature about this you're doing a hell of a job but you're you know you're just kind of mourning the loss of a girlfriend i feel like yeah this is all only going to be for the best um you guys probably do have a lot more to figure out as individuals you guys are you're hot for each other. You're horny for each other. You're attracted to each other. There's a lot of goodness there and that's great. And you shouldn't feel like you have to dismiss that or disqualify that.

You don't have to, I feel like you're in a, from my point of view, as someone who's lived it and been through it, you're in a very fortunate position because right now you dated a good person. You had a nice relationship and you guys broke off on pretty decent terms. The disfortune on your part is it was so good that you still have, you have way too much hope than you should. That's holding you back. Exactly. Right. And you got to try to let her go, like try to really let her go and let go of this hope and this feelings. Is she going to come back? I don't fucking know. Probably you'll probably, and that's not a good thing. You'll probably

like knowing like this type of relationship that a lot of people go through is that you guys will waste a lot of each other's time for the next two or three years. And in between breakups and coming, you're like, you're going to meet another girl and you'll have some relationship and that might not go well or whatever. Cause you know, know fuck it you'll be 21 and figuring shit out and then what's going to happen when you guys are both single you're finding your way back to each other you'll definitely hook up like again if that's what you guys want like i'm almost certain of it right um what you need to be careful of is yeah you know how much time do you want to waste of each other? And more on a personal level for you, it's not about whether you're going to marry this girl

or something. You're going to be fine romantically. You're going to have girlfriends. I'm not worried about you. But as someone who's in their feelings and someone who like you've talked about how like this really knocks you off your feet for a while. And man, you're 20 years old, focus on school, focus on your friends. Like, and I say this as like, I literally did a TikTok today about like, why do I even like talk about relationships and shit like that? And, you know, just don't miss out on people and moments and don't miss out on like experiencing moments and don't miss out on like experiencing college and meeting new people at, because you're so like in your feelings, missing some girl who like, listen, if I don't believe in meant to be, but you'll figure out a way to be

with each other. If that's what ultimately you guys choose to have, but right now she's choosing to, you know, put herself first and prioritize new experiences and people. And quite frankly, that's what she should do. And if you guys do end up together, you're going to be so glad that you guys hooked up with other people because that shit won't matter. And yes, like getting jealous that she hooked up with someone, it's a natural feeling, but that feelings don't mean love. Jealousy doesn't mean love wanting, you know, like those are natural feelings. We often like, we'll run back to someone cause we don't want them to be with someone else, but that's not, that's not necessarily a foundation for a relationship. So I think just if I were you, I would just try to process these

emotions and I would stop trying to ask these questions. Will she be back? Uh, because that's not productive. I know it's natural. I've been there. I know exactly what you're going through, but my biggest advice to you is don't let this waste some of your time and don't let it from stopping you from missing out on being present on enjoying experiences, to meeting new people, to making friends. Don't be the guy who's just like in his feelings at a party, just like talking to like girls about her and shit like that and you know i you know no judgment you're not you know and like you'll learn a lot about yourself through this experience but yeah i mean i i've definitely been grateful

that i because i i do think i agree with you i think we were a little too quick to get get right back together um i mean yeah like i don't you't, you didn't get back together for any actual reason. And if you're going to break up and get back together and I'm not a big believer in getting back together with your ex, you sure should know what's going to be different. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I will say I did feel like I had a shift and I mean, she told me, she was like, this time around, you've been a lot, a lot better and a lot more of the guy

i wanted you to be the whole time yeah but that was based off of you hooking up with an ex and kind of reacting this is all very kind of reactive decisions this is what necessarily like you growing as a person and nor like you know you're 20 you know like you're figuring life out man and um i guess this is a natural thing you're going through try not to waste too much time pining over her how do you let go in in a situation where it was so good because it feels like it wasn't so good it was good it was fun yeah you know you try to see it as a an experience and at the risk of sounding condescending the more experiences you have the more you'll be able to appreciate things as an experience and you'll be able to you'll be grateful for this might not be my

forever there might not have to be some meaning behind it, but this was nice and it doesn't feel right or it wanted to leave and I'm just going to let it go. And you got to stop wondering, wondering how do you let it go? Stop wondering if she's going to be back. Stop asking questions, trying to understand something. You just got accepting things, accepting that like maybe your ego's a little bit hurt and it sucks that she you know wanted to experience this other guy but like if you're being honest with yourself you probably have shit you want to experience and your fear of her experiencing things is stopping you from experiencing things yourself so like stop trying to make sense of it

stop trying to understand it you know uh and stop wondering if she's going to come back and uh it's hard it's it's easy it's easier said than done you know because obviously watch watch forgetting sarah marshall watch swingers you know those are good movies that you know they're old school movies i don't know if you've ever seen any of those but they're they hold up yeah watch watch my check them out watch swingers watch forgetting sarah marshall this is the time there is going to be no other time in the world that you're going to you have the ability to be as selfish as you are right now i don't know what your hopes are for yourself but responsibility family kids you

know whatever you'll you'll less likely have a chance to be selfish so you're 20 years old yeah i uh i decided that i was gonna go abroad next semester fuck yeah man shortly after it happened and and so i'm just trying to get to that point like if i can muster up enough like strength to get to you know winter break and then go abroad without like you can get out there get on the dating apps don't talk about her don't do do not talk about her stop talking about her honestly that's what you need to do like stop reaching out to people stop exhausting friends i did this like don't you're like you've talked to you you've worked through it like you've you're talking to me i don't feel

like i've fully worked through it yet because somebody you know you have you just this is the room this is you ruminating you just like you find comfort in talking about her because it's the only thing you have left of her, right? Because when you talk about her, you feel connected. True. So you have to let that go, right? It feels good to talk about her because it's having her and you got to have that willpower. You got to go out there and you got to go on some bad dates and meet women you're not interested in and have fun with your buddies and go out and focus on your friends. Do some acts of service, volunteer, whatever. Like get out of your bullshit. Like do things that, you know, get out of your head and you're going to have to, it's no different than like, I'm going to go work out and pump some weights. And like, it's not always easy the first time you do it, it's going to be uncomfortable

and you might be a little sore afterwards and it's not going to be amazing. But like, if you want to get in shape, you have to go get in shape. If you want to get over someone, you have to actually actively do shit to like get your mind on other things rather than the person you've just loved sitting around by yourself and thinking about, because that's all you have left. you've just loved sitting around by yourself and thinking about? Cause that's all you have left. It's,

it's those moments alone that just really still kind of suck. And it's like, go, go. You have friends. Yeah. I know you have friends. Yeah. I would like to thank you.

So yeah, you're a popular guy. I can tell. Uh, so just to go embrace that, man, like just get out there and you gotta be hard on yourself and you gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself. And you know, a little bit of your ego like i don't you know

there you're in your feelings and there's a there's a big part of that that's great but now you have to control it and and get out of your bullshit because the price is heavy right like it is it doesn't feel like now but five years from now ten years from now i promise you you're gonna look back and wish that you weren't wasting so much time pining over this girl. Whether you're with her or you're not, you're going to wish you gave her this much energy. Yeah, I guess it just, to me, it feels right

to be in so much pain because I love her so much. Yeah, that's rom-com bullshit and that's validating your experience. And like, there's a little bit that you want to hold on to, but it's time to let go. You have honored the relationship and her enough. I promise.

And now it's time to let go. Appreciate you, man. All right, buddy. I love your tattoos, by the way. I appreciate it.

Yeah. All right, man. I'll see you. All right. Good luck. You're going to be fine. Yeah.

All right. Appreciate it. All right. Bye-bye. All right. how's it going hi i'm monica um i'm 29 years old and i live in washington dc how can i help monica here's my predicament i got out of a long-term relationship in January of this year. So it's been, I've been single almost a year, I guess. And I've been really enjoying being single and dating. But my problem is that I really haven't ever been able to get past a first date or even second date with these guys

that I go on dates with because I end up sleeping with them after the first date without fail every single time. And I know that's like a big no-no that shouldn't, you know, as a woman woman you shouldn't sleep with a guy on a first date if you're serious about him or you really like him but i just love sex okay and i and i i want to you know like i just i'm such a sexual person and I enjoy that and I enjoy that part of getting to know somebody um so I guess my question is is one why are men like that where if a girl sleeps with you too early they lose interest and two I'm trying to figure out, is it really that I'm such a sexual person or is it some sort of validation that I'm looking for? I don't really know, but I'm not trying to be in another long-term relationship right

now, but I would like to date a guy longer than, you know, talking, meeting on a nap, talking for a week or a few weeks, going on a date, sleeping with him and then never hearing from him again. Sure. Well, I don't really think it's a big no-no. It just depends on what your expectations are. Right. That's, that's how I, um, I think you're trying to combine a bunch of things into one. Is it a guy thing? You're like, why do guys do that? We sit here and talk all the time about how challenging it is to date. That you can match for someone on a dating app and they seem like a fine person and you go out and meet with them and they're like you know at a pretty good time but like whatever i don't know like again if

we're looking for one person you know again for all the people who are looking for a monogamous relationship with one person you know in a more traditional thing it's going to take time you're going to meet a lot of like fine people who aren't your one and only, right? Just for the average person. If you're going to have sex on the first date with everyone, right? You're going to have sex with a lot of people that you're not that compatible with, that you're not all that interested in, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, right? So it would just make sense that the more people you have sex

with on a first date, the more people you're going to have sex with that ultimately you're not going to have a future with, regardless if you're a man or a woman, that's just my point of view. I'm not a doctor or a scientist or whatever, but you know, it's pretty easy to look up and understand that like biologically, like men and women in general, not, not across the board do respond differently to when they have sex. Right. Uh, and in general, you know, uh, women release hormones that make them feel more bonded and connected to their sexual partners. Right. Which can kind of almost lead them on, lead themselves on about how they feel? Because I would put it back on you. Like to my point, like you're going on a date, you might have a nice time

and then you decide to have sex. What do you know about these people that would justify you saying to yourself, I really like them. I want to invest more in them. Like I'm sad that they don't want to call me, but you're not getting to that point. So yeah, like you're getting sad or disappointed about these guys you've gone on one, maybe two dates with, and you've decided, you decided to have sex with, and you don't hear from them or whatever reason. Right. But other than the fact that you decided to have sex with them and you say you're into sex, you're enjoying the sex. So you want to have sex. Great. You know, you're empowered to have sex. Why are you so disappointed that they're not calling?

I guess for me, like I, I wouldn't sleep with somebody I didn't have. I, I didn't have a connection with on a date. So if I go on a date and it's happened where I'm like, oh, I'm not really feeling this guy. I don't think we have that much in common. I wouldn't sleep with him. But a lot of the dates I've been on, I've been halfway through the first date. I'm like, oh, I actually kind of like him. And I wasn't expecting to or whatever it may be. But think about what you're saying. You're like, I actually kind of like him. And I

don't doubt that from everything you've learned through texting on a dating app or FaceTiming or meeting them for the first time in person, you like what you know so far, but you clearly don't know a ton about them and there's probably so much you could learn that might change your point of view and you're basing your so you know what i'm saying like i guess what i'm saying is again it all depends what your expectations are if you like sex so much you're just like hey i i'm at a time in my life where i like having sex. I want to have sex. I can have sex. And I want to decide who my sexual partners are based off of my safety, whether I'm physically attracted to them.

I just want to have a decent time, but I want to get laid. Then go do that. Go have fun. Get yours. Be safe. Wear protection. And have fun. But I think it's unrealistic for anyone, man or woman to have sex because they have sex

and then do it in an early dating situation, first, second, third date, a couple of weeks third date a couple weeks and not have that complicate and play a role and in someone there say to themselves they're romantically interested in percent and pursuing for some sort of long-term relationship because like you ask why do men do this right and i'm just speculating. Like sex, you know, you like sex, right? Yeah. And you might have more casual sex or more sex in general than someone else. But that doesn't make sex any less powerful or intimate or awesome, right? Would you agree with that? Yes, I agree with that.

So once you have sex with someone, you certainly learn a lot about them. You see them naked, they're exchanging body fluids. And so you've gone on one date, you've had a couple conversations about probably generally benign, high-level things, and then you have sex with them. So that's such an intense thing that they're going to be basing an overwhelming majority of their decision on the sex because they know about the sex and they know very little about you. Right. Yeah. So like your subconscious is just generally going to like, you're just, it's going to, you're going to overweight the importance of sex when you know about the sex but you don't know about the person right and for most people a lot of sense you know like a guy like i said i use

this analogy like guys think of sex like a movie like most guys probably have sex with you and have a nice time and it's just like just like we watch most movies and like have enough enough time and i'm not like in any way critiquing your sexual prowess like you know it's just like yeah right now i just like okay so i think you need to make clear expectations for yourself of what you're looking for on a first date you know if you want to if if you want to go on a date with a guy to get to know him, then get to know him. And maybe restrain from having sex. If you want to go out and just you're feeling horny

and you want to have a good time, go have a good time. You might get lucky. There's certainly plenty of people who are in love and have married kids who had sex on the first date. And that can certainly happen. And some people will look at it and say, hey, listen, they're either going to, and in a lot of ways, I'm a big believer. They're either going to like it and they're going to like me and they'll keep hanging out or they won't. And I would probably be willing to bet that many of the guys

that you are having sex with on the first date that end up not hanging out with you any longer, even if you didn't have sex with them, they might not, you know, you might not be going on second and third dates anyways. The only difference is you might be feeling a little less vulnerable because there's a part of you that is disappointed that they're not reaching out and then you're feeling rejected and you're like but we had sex and like you know what i'm saying right yeah i guess i what would your recommendation be like how long if i say i go on a date a first date and i really like the guy i don't sleep with I go on a date, a first date, and I really liked the guy,

I don't sleep with him, go on a couple more dates over the course of a few weeks, how long should I wait? Or I know there's no, there's no clear answer. And I've been on this, and like, I'm writing this book about it. And I think a lot about hookup culture, like you, you're participating in hookup culture and a lot of people are, most people are right. Like, I just don't think that you can date someone for a couple months and know everything about them. And some people might argue that that's not hookup culture. Like I've been, you know, but like, you know, you date someone for a couple of months, you hook up three months later, it doesn't work out. And I don't have a problem with hookup culture. I'm

not shaming hookup culture, but like it's slightly more casual sex than we used to have. Right. You know, there's just no guarantees. Like, so either you're someone and I'm that person who's like, I don't sit there and give shit about body count of myself or my partner. Like that doesn't mean, you know, it's high or whatever. I just, I don't prioritize that. And if you are going to be generally open to having sex and enjoy sex and be comfortable with being single and not be desperate to like jump in a relationship just to have someone around and Netflix and chill with, or like go to, you know, flea markets and shit. Then from time to time, you're going to hook up with people, whether it's a one night stand or a first date, or you've known them for a few weeks

and chances are that it's not going to work out. Right. And over time, you're just going to accumulate the handful of people you've slept with. And as long as you're safe and smart about it, it's totally fine. Right? I just think people get themselves in trouble with themselves because their expectations aren't very clear to themselves about what they're looking for. And they kind of blur the lines between wanting to have sex and want to establish and make a strong connection with someone. Right. So, you know, the longer you wait to make emotional connection, the more weight that will carry in someone determining if they want to keep hanging out

with you once they have sex, right? Because we often talk about the first time you have sex with someone is rarely often the best sex you're going to ever have with them, right? And if a guy, you know, like generally a guy, they, you know, have sex. And again, like men's body is biology different than women. They, you know, release a lot of testosterone and they kind of go into this, i want to be alone kind of moment and whatever um just our chemistry in our bodies now if a guy's been hanging out with someone for a period of time and they might feel that kind of like i don't know i don't want her around right now but i don't you know like literally our brains are just kind of foggy and fucked up afterwards but then i think about how like i just

love being around her and i feel comfortable around her and i trust her and i like calling her and i like taking her to movies and spending you know what i'm saying like he's considering all those other things and he's not like worried about like well i guess i've had sex with her um you know whatever right like he's not worried about like it was pretty good sex but like didn't blow my mind you know like you know whatever yeah and so it just i think try to separate when you're dating and if you're going to decide to have sex with someone do i want like do I want to have sex or do I want to make a stronger emotional connection with someone? And then you decide which one you prioritize. You know, maybe look into having a fuck buddy while you're dating someone you're consistently like hooking up with, you know, if it's about like just getting laid.

consistently like hooking up with you know if it's about like just getting laid and as far as you're asked a question like is it for validation or not you know that's i i think if you have to ask the question there might be some truth truth in there right yeah but yeah guys don't like women better for putting out early you don't like them worse either they just right yeah that's kind of like what i figured there was one date that i went on with a guy on that specific app was tinder and it was tinder is known i guess for the hookup app and he straight up told me on this date like half an hour into it he was like yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't ever use this app to find my future girlfriend and like i hadn't even hooked up with him or anything he just straight up said that i'm like okay maybe i should get off

tinder like maybe i mean you can find those people anywhere but at the end of the day well you know like you're not the mercy of an app you know you could right uh you're at the end of the day well you know like you're not the mercy of an app you know you could right uh you're at the mercy of your choices you know you're at the mercy of the boundaries that you set for yourself you know and there's nothing wrong with going on a date feeling frisky and wanting sex it's just right if you're trying to establish an emotional connection with them, having sex sooner than later might complicate that or insert other variables that will distract you two from building an emotional connection. And I think that's just a reality. And it doesn't mean you can't. It just means they better really,

really, really, really like the sex and want to come back for more sex that will allow you to build that emotional connection. But there's a more often than not, you could still build emotional connection, have sex, have it be pretty good, have it not be the best you've ever had because there's awkwardness and you don't know each other's likes and dislikes and things like that. And then you can build off the first time you have sex because you have this strong emotional connection that's keeping you to want to see each other again. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think this is all really helpful advice. So I'm going to think about your advice and kind of use that going forward in my dating chronicles right now.

Yeah. Just try not to confuse. Yeah. Just try to separate the two and don't, don't beat yourself up. And when you want to go out and have some fun, make it about having fun. Don't lie to yourself about what your expectations are of this situation. You have to say, if I'm going to have sex on this first date, it is about the sex. It is because I want to get laid. It's because I want to have fun. And we'll see what happens. But me having sex is more important than seeing where this relationship goes with this guy.

Because who the fuck knows? I've only known him for like 24 hours right i just know i want to have sex with him and then the rest of you let's have to see what happens yeah but if you go on a date and you're having a good time you're like this is really nice this is good like you know what i'd love to have sex with them great but like i still i want to get to know him more and i i want to like not confuse my feelings or confuse his feelings and bring sex into the equation because we're gonna it it's gonna cloud things let's just focus on getting to know each other and then you make that choice for yourself so right even if that person comes from t, you can still choose to set your boundaries.

Okay. Can't wait to see how many people agree or disagree with what I'm saying when it comes to hookup culture. Yeah. I think we just need to be more realistic about sex and dating. I don't like the, you know, why do guys do that? Or it's bad for women to do that. All that matters is what you want for yourself and how honest you are about your choices and what you want in the moment versus what you want long-term. And as long as you know what you want, then it's all okay, as long as you're safe. Right.

And like you mentioned, setting those expectations for yourself yeah you know yeah people are all like setting you know setting expectations for other people they're on dating apps people like if you only want to fuck you know like you know what set those for yourself and then put yourself in situations where you feel comfortable to enforcing those boundaries you've set for yourself and you know hopefully it all works out cool all right best of luck all right well thank thank you so much i really appreciate you taking the time all right give me advice no thank you for calling how's it going hi, what's your name? My name is Morgan. Hi, Morgan. How old are you? 22. How can I help?

So I feel like I should preface by saying I've never been the dating boyfriend type of girl. I've always, like throughout high school and college, I always had the mindset that I have my whole life to be in a committed relationship. always had the mindset that I have my whole life to be in a committed relationship. So I really just wanted to enjoy my life being by myself. And in doing so, I've definitely become very confident and very comfortable and happy being by myself. So all my friends always told me that I would change when I found the right guy. And of course course that happened. So last month I was in the Hamptons for Labor Day and I met this guy at a party and we exchanged numbers and Instagrams.

We just like briefly talked. And then on Monday he texted me asking if he could take me on a date. he texted me asking if he could take me on a date. And I responded yes. And like right away, he texted back, Tao, Friday, 9 p.m. And I really liked that he had like taken initiative right away, set a date, like not being wishy-washy. So we went on a date and right away, just really hit it off.

We had so much in common, a lot of the same interests, very similar life goals. We realized we have a lot of mutual friends and like we run in the same social circle. So sexual chemistry was really good. Like we just really hit it off. So he had to go home afterwards for a business meeting. And then him and his friends were going to, and like including our mutual friends, we're going to this club. So he invited me and my friends.

You're going to One Oak next door? Close. Anyway. But so he invited us. We didn't end up going because I knew that if I went, I would leave with him. And I didn't want to because I was just like really confused about how I was feeling about him so quickly.

And I just knew I would leave with him if I went. And like my friends were all so shocked because it's very unlike me to worry about having sex on the first date. I'm usually not one to like stress about that. If I like the guy, then I'll usually do it if that's what I want. So then the next night he invited us out again and we didn't end up going. And then that Tuesday night I was out with my friends and I invited him like last minute. He came by himself, was buying all my friends drinks, like dancing with me for hours. It was great. And then we went back to his, we had sex. And then, so I don't like to sleep at guys. I like to sleep at home. So afterwards I got up, started getting ready to leave.

He drags me back into his bed. He's like, no, you're sleeping here. So just to be clear, like you're, are you being like funny or what do you mean? Dragged you like in a good way back into the bed? Yeah. Like in a cute flirty way. What are you doing? Where are you going?

You're sleeping here. All right. Like, yeah. You, you liked that You're sleeping here. All right. Like, yeah. You liked that. Okay. Yeah. And so like in the morning, my roommate, who's like my best friend, was texting me. Where are you?

Like, oh my God. Like, because I do not sleep with guys. So this was very unusual for me. Okay. That Friday night, our friends went out together again. Everything was good. I slept at his that night again. And that night he had invited me to like a bunch of

like loose plans the next day, like Saturday parties, whatever. So when I went home Saturday morning, I was waiting for him to text me. He never texts me about all those plans he invited me to. And then at like four o'clock, he FaceTimed me and was like, you and your friends should like, we have a table tonight. You and your friends should come. And we had already actually told the promoter we would go with them to that club that night. And I told him that he was like, no, cancel on him. Tell him you're coming with me. So, of course, I did. And then 10 o'clock rolls around. Haven't heard from him. So I text him, what's the plan for tonight? He never responds.

The next day, I was like waiting, like expecting for him to text me, like explaining what happened. I don't hear from him. So at five o'clock, I texted him saying, what'd you end up doing last night? And he said, I ended up falling asleep really early because I was so tired from the night before, which made sense to me because we had literally slept for two hours the night before. But I was also like, why didn't he tell me that today? Like he had invited, made me cancel our plans for him and then just like totally blew it off. So then I didn't. So when he said that he wasn't really, it was the apologetic or was he like, Oh yeah, I fell asleep.

Literally all he said was I ended up falling asleep. I was so tired from the night before. Okay. No follow up. Nothing. Okay. Yep. So I didn't hear from him all week, which was weird because we had like hung out three times the week before he had been texting me like whatever. So Friday i texted him how old is this guy 25 okay so i texted him friday hey are we good and he responded yeah i've just been really busy with work this week and i took that as like a brush off because i'm like if he was really busy with work,

like I feel like he could have just told me that. And also like he would have made up, he would have like followed up and been like, Yeah, he's not busy. Can I take you to dinner this week or something? But there was no follow up. So the next day I texted him saying, The honest response would have been like, yeah, I'm just not as excited about you as I was last week. Right. And it was so, I was so confused because,

so our mutual good friend kept calling my girlfriends, telling them, Oh my God, he won't shut up about her. Like he keeps saying like, Oh my, like none of that matters. None of that matters.

So I'm like, okay. So I texted him the next day saying, are you sure that's all? Because I feel like you really just lost interest. And if that's the case, that's fine. But I'd rather you tell me than lead me on. And he responds, yeah, to be honest, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not looking for anything consistent. So I just responded to that noted and we haven't like talked since. He has been like swiped, like he swiped up on like one of my Instagram stories a few days ago with like the flame emojis. Like he's been swiped, like

swiped up on another like Instagram story I posted of like like we have a lot of comments so like something I posted of music like he keeps interacting with me still and like I don't know what to do because like I've never really like I don't know what I'm feeling towards him I don't think I know him well enough. We've only gone on a few dates, but I do know that like I And definitely like interested in him more than I have ever been in anyone Great, but this doesn't mean he's your guy just because he's the best of a bunch of people you haven't been excited about You know Yes Definitely, I just like it's so confused because...

No, you're not. There's nothing really to be confused about. This is a really like, actually a very clear situation, which I feel like you know, because like you really seem to be, you know, ahead of the curve for like, certainly way ahead than I was at your age, right? All this, and the problem in your shoes is that you're someone who's really in control and really kind of thinking about this, but once in a while, we always kind of meet some kryptonite and that will fuck us up a little bit.

And he's just fucking you up a little bit. You know, you caught a few feelings with a 25-year-old fuckboy. It doesn't make him a bad guy, but he's just like, you know, and I don't mean like player. I mean, he's just a fuckboy. He maybe wants to like fuck a little bit. And he got excited about you because you're a catch.

And then all of a sudden got a little cold feet. And to me, like such a huge strike for someone. He got you to cancel plans. And let's assume he actually fell asleep, right? Let's assume he didn't lie and he told you the truth. He's like, I fell asleep. But what an inconsiderate response. Right.

And to not even text me the next day. I texted him saying, what'd you end up? So my question to you is, forget about everything else. For someone who's comfortable with being alone, recognizes that she's young and has a lot of fun and selfish things to accomplish for herself. And this is such an ideal time in her life. I'm talking about you to be selfish

and to focus on your priorities. And you met a guy who you liked and there were a lot of nice, fun things that you liked about him. And yet within less than a week or two, he was incredibly inconsiderate towards you. Why isn't that more than enough for you to be like, yeah, well, it was fun and exciting, but like, wow, I'm definitely, in terms of things that I want to prioritize for myself, and since I'm so good at valuing my time and I'm not going to give up my free time

and I'm not going to cancel plans for just anyone, I certainly want them to be considerate of me. Yeah, and I think that's part of what's tripping me up is I am always no bullshit. The second any guy does one thing Yeah. And I think that's like part of what's tripping me up is like, I am always no bullshit. Like the second, any like guy does one thing that like, Yeah, but it's easy to, it's easy to do that with people you don't give a shit about. Right. Yeah.

This is harder to do and we care and you care, you're whatever it is, whatever he is doing, whatever chemistry you have or attraction. And you know, that's when it's really hard to like enforce those boundaries and hold ourselves accountable so i've been really proud of myself for not texting him this week or anything like all my friends of course are giving me like garbage college advice are you telling me to reach out yeah they, like, they all keep telling me, but like, I don't really believe it. What does friends say are, could not be more irrelevant. Like, no, I know. I know. Who the fuck knows? You're like, what does it? So like best case scenario, you're interested in a

guy who doesn't know what a properly communist feeling. So he has his friends do it for him. Like, what's that? And that's what I said. I'm like, he's a 25 year old man. Like he's three years older than me. Like I should not be like asking, like I should not, the maturity difference is very clear for sure. But your friends are telling you to buy a boat because like he can get, he can get tables for them, you know, they're like, ding, ding, ding the answer. They're like, he's, he gives your friend group access. It's the same as your friends being like, buy a boat so we can go boating.

You know, absolutely what it is. So, and so they keep telling me to reach out to him, but I just feel like he assumed that i was like looking for something serious or like more which is just not the case no no no no no no don't don't do that no like you did nothing wrong stop stop starting to like wonder if you didn't communicate your feelings well or if he misinterpreted. No, this all started by you simply canceling plans for him and he fell asleep and then he was so inconsiderate not to acknowledge that you gave up a Saturday night. And that was inconsiderate. That's the point. And then you gave him a little pressure and you don't have to start

pretending to be a cool chick by cool chick or a pick me girl or whatever they want to call it, just because like, you know what I'm saying? You're walking a very fine line of compromising all the work you've done up into this point of being like the one of the few people who's 22 and mature enough to recognize the point in which she is in her life and the opportunity that she has in front of her. Because so much of us, and I include myself in that, wasted a lot of time and energy on shit that didn't matter when I was 22. And you're like, you're there. And right now you're letting this 25-year-old fuck boy start getting to question your choices. And you don't need him

that's your ego too being like oh no no no no i you know just just he was inconsiderate and you want at a minimum consideration yeah i think you're right i think definitely a lot of it is also ego yeah and stop listening your friends stop listening to his friends i think you did such a great job in this situation you set some boundaries whatever you slept at night you did something you didn't normally do you enjoyed it fine you know what you're allowed to like enjoy some things and have some fun don't change who you are uh you felt a little bit like he was pulling away you You called him out on it. Hey, you checked in and you knew that you might not get the answer you want, but you did it anyways.

Good for you for doing that. And then he gave you an answer. And who gives a shit? He didn't say he hates you. He didn't say he's not attracted to you. He said he's not looking for something consistent, relatively honest on his part. Good for for him for being honest And so he still thinks you're hot So he's like sending you hot emojis and still taking your instagram and certainly at his convenience He will hope that you will have sex with him again 100 That's like the other thing that scares me is like We have the same

favorite bar and New york's a big city But somehow like we always end up like in the last week, we've already ended up there twice at the same time. So like, I'm very, like, I definitely, and like with all of our mutual friends, like I'll definitely have to see him a lot. And exactly as you said, like, I'm sure that like, especially in those kinds of sittings when situations, exactly as you said like i'm sure that like especially in those kind of sittings when situations when there's like alcohol and stuff he's definitely going to probably try and then you can decide for yourself at that moment if you want to have sex with him but just

be a real realistic it's 100 about sex yeah so i just have to really hold my ground on that or or have sex with maybe you want to have sex, you know, whatever, like you're, if you, if you don't think, if you think having sex with them will fuck you up emotionally and you, it will compromise you then don't. But if you're just like, I don't know, like, fuck it. You're hot. I feel safe around you. We've already had sex, you know, but just be honest with yourself about what it is. Don't let him, don't let him being

flirty with you or seeing, um, think that he is now ready to have something more consistent. He really fucked up. And when it can't, when it comes to, uh, you making considerations for him, as it relates to like making him a priority in your life. He fucked up royally, big time. I think you should like emphasize how much he fucked up when it came to you considering him as a priority in your life. And for you to change your mind on that, he's going to have to really climb some mountains. But in terms of like seeing him around and you know treating him like what he is a good looking guy who might be fun to party with him time to time if you can have the willpower to like see it for what it is and not lie to yourself for about what it's not then do what

you want you know don't be afraid of seeing him he's just some fucking fuck boy like who gets bottle service like new york's full of those guys very true so okay you just gotta be honest with yourself and it sounds like you're really good at for the most part doing that but just don't like and if you hook up with them don't like oh i hate myself for doing it you know it just depends on what like yeah if you wanted to get laid what a power move that would be if you're like if if you wanted to have some sex he tried to have some sex you got up you don't spend the night and he's like what are you doing you're like hey listen i just want to get laid buddy and that's absolutely the move i would do i would not sleep there again like i would absolutely that is power move yeah but make sure you're doing your first

you get laid because you want to get laid you don't get laid just so you can do that move that's beneath you yes and it's hard to be honest with yourself you just got to check your ego but you know and whatever so

thank you just I think the biggest takeaway of this call is do not discount him and being inconsiderate of your time. We so often love to dismiss that as no big deal. I didn't even think about that before this call. You should treat that like a Cardinal sin as it relates to your willingness to give up your freedom and you valuing your independence that's like a capital crime yeah and we so often treat it like a misdemeanor very true all right well you're ahead of the game you're doing great things yeah so all right have a good take care all right thanks for calling all right bye You're ahead of the game. You're doing great things. Take care. Thanks for calling.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickacastme.com. Tune in tomorrow for our wonderful recap with the delightful Allie Barthwell. And on Wednesday, Fibula. Thanks for listening. We'll see you tomorrow.