The Viall Files - E340 Ask Nick - 86 Your Social Media

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we dive into talking with a caller who is dealing with an ex-boyfriend that’s stalking them while also unpacking the previous unhealthy relationship itself. After that, we talk to a caller that needs help navigating the balance of professionalism and personal relationships, learning how to pursue dating without risking their career. Next we talk to a caller who has been broken up with by their fiancé twice, struggling with how to deal with a partner who isn’t happy with themself. Lastly, we talk to a caller who is questioning if bad timing is really a thing in dating, and how the idea of bad timing could be subjective.  “Go on your own money and with your own friends.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit https://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/ViallFiles Theragun: Try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199. Go to http://www.Therabody.com/VIALL to get your Gen.5 Theragun today.  Pill Club: http://www.thepillclub.com/VIALL The Pill Club is offering a $10 donation to Bedsider.org for every Viall Files listener who becomes a patient. Your donation will help low-income individuals get access to birth control through Bedsider.org.  DrinkWorks: Visit https://www.Drinkworks.com to see the Home Bar Classic and Home Bar Pro and to see the full selection of cocktails. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Being your best self feels good for your loved ones and for you. Visit betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L-F-I-L-E-S and get back to being you. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back. Happy Monday to you all. Welcome to another episode of The Vile Files. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie,

and I don't know what the fuck her name is. I'm just kidding. It's Amanda, right? Yeah, Amanda Lowe Lifford. Great, nice to meet you. Welcome. Now everybody knows my middle name. When I was a kid, I had a real complex around the fact I didn't have like a dainty, cute middle name.

Because I feel like all the girls in my class had like Anna and Rose. What's your middle name? Lobe. And now I think it's so fucking funny. Your middle name is Lobe? Yeah. Well, because it's my mom's maiden name.

And so it's like my parents wanted to kind of keep my mom's family in my name. So it's like I have my dad, my mom and dad. Did you get picked on for that? No, because think about it. When does a middle name ever come up in conversation? If anything, a middle initial. But like, you know, it's really got to be an overt

conversation about middle names. Was there ever a time in elementary school or middle school where kids are uniquely mean and everyone's like, you know, it's really got to be an overt conversation about middle names. Was there ever a time in elementary school or middle school where kids are uniquely mean and everyone's like, what's your middle name? Because it was like, today's topic was middle names and you were like, Lisa, and you lied. No, I've never lied, but I have like, I do remember whenever we were doing the elementary style thing where everybody had to say their middle name, I would get very like- Self-conscious. Yeah, so self-conscious about it.

I bet Allie's middle name is like Rose. Ew. Hannah. Ew. That's the most offensive thing you could have ever said to me. Allison Marie. No.

It floats right off of the, I almost just said it. It floats right off of Allison. It just keeps on going. It's a nice flow. Allison Mallison? No. Although that, I might go down to the courthouse.

Allison Mallison Martin. And Amanda Loebliffer. That's perfect. Your file files employee. Allison Mallison Martin. No wonder you hired us. What is your real name? Nicole.

How's that in a flow? Because it goes from one end to the next. Allison Martin. No wonder you hired us. What is your middle name? Nicole. How's that in a flow? Because it goes from one end to the next. Allison Nicole. But it's because my grandpa's name is Nick. So they made it female. What's the origin of middle names? Ooh, I don't know. But my friend June didn't have one growing up.

And I always felt very sad. My mom took my dad's last name, but then gave my brother and I like that shared last name but then my mom's maiden name for the middle name. I feel like that's a pretty good use of middle names. My first girlfriend's middle name

was the letter K. So passive aggressive. It's so funny. It's like do you need to sign this? And like K is a name like K-A-Y and I was always like no it's the letter K.

Like the rude text. Okay. All right. Are you ready? And it honestly it flowed with like, her mom was a difficult person. Middle names. They were like, you need to pick a middle name for your daughter. She was like, K.

But the ex, a delightful human. All right. Are you ready? Yes. Middle names began to find favor among wealthy extended families in the late 1700s. Oh, it's a privileged thing. Aristocratic families increasingly began giving their children two names.

How are middle names not being canceled yet knowing that? I don't know. It's an aristocratical thing? But this also says, yeah, this other article says

it's when Europeans couldn't decide between giving their child a family name or the name of a saint. On that track. So apparently, you're just trying to piss off,

not piss off your family or God. Yeah. You gotta have two. We can to piss off not piss off your family or God yeah you gotta have two we can't piss off grandma and grandpa or God so we'll just

do both yeah that's that's amazing how petty the origins are any updates on

the new girl yeah it's going well I thought it was not. It's going well. I thought it was not helpful. It's going really well. Or I don't know. It's early.

And so we're obviously U-hauling as women do. Do you know the term U-hauling? I do not. Oh my God. Okay. So when there's a real trope among gay women, when they first get together at the U-haul and just spend a ton of time together and that gay dates just like spend a ton of time together and like that gay dates

just like last for a really long time and that you just see each other like constantly and for extended periods of time. And so we're doing like an abridged version of that. Like a gay version

of playing house? Totally. Well, why don't we just call it playing house? Because it has a longer, like U-Hauling has like a longer standing. It's a term that's been used and it's specifically

yeah like there's the term U-Haul lesbians and it's a joke about how like lesbians meet each other and then very quickly like get a U-Haul move in together take things very fast but also I feel like heterosexual couples do this a lot too no I would argue

there's something about like women relationships, like lesbian relationships, because even lesbian breakups are known for being the most like extended, long things. Like I just feel like there's a lot of emotions involved.

There's like a lot of like, some couples don't even call it like a breakup. They call it like conscious uncoupling. Like it's like, I knew a couple in New York Some couples don't even call it a breakup. They call it conscious uncoupling. Huh? Yeah. I knew a couple in New York who did conscious uncoupling for weeks, if not months.

Really just did it slow. Interesting. I can't believe you haven't heard it. It's a very common mainstream term, I would say. It's mainstream? Yeah. Lesbians,-hauling? I don't know. Maybe it's not.

Maybe I've been in very gay environments my whole life. And you guys are, you're spending all your time together. No, no, we're not. We're doing, I would say like a very watered down version of U-hauling. Conscious U-hauling. So dating. So yeah, so we're dating. But we just, you know, we had a weekend where we saw each other like,

you know, a few times in a row. How many times did you say good morning? I know we're, we're not doing that. I don't want to do that. I don't like saying the only time I like saying good morning and good night is when I'm dating someone who is like activated my ego and it matters to me that they like, and they, it still feels like good when they care. So your ego getting activated is something you look for in commitment? No, it's not. I just like, I think the good night thing is only sweet to me if I'm in a validation loop with someone.

Otherwise it's like, we're busy. We don't have to do this unless we're like really seriously dating. Interesting. I'm saying good night with my dude from Minnesota. Oh, you hate? I don't hate him. Did he come out? No, he was

supposed to come out this weekend, but he's not coming out anymore. And his correct response to that situation actually made me like him more. Which was? Well, I got on a FaceTime with the bride and out of nowhere, just like started crying because I was so overwhelmed. And she was like, this is the point where it's supposed to be fun. She was like, I must be terrible at what I do. If it's not fun, just like from the way that Allie and I behave on a regular basis. You know, it's like,

if you're going to take two 24-year-old women, if you're going to like base your success as a relationship advice giver. I always, I'm very honest, like I'm not a therapist. I have no education in this.

And so like, you know, I'm going to take my next joke lightly, but you know how like when you, like, you know, someone who's just like, yeah, my parents are therapists and you're like, oh, you must have it all figured out. And they're just like hot messes in all their personal life. They're just like, wow, your parents like that are like. Yeah. They're not really applying their practice. Yeah. Wow. Anyway, welcome. We have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in your questions

at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. Bachelorette recap tomorrow. Got some exciting merch stuff in the works. Get on there, get ordering. Click, click. Check out our new introvert line. Introvert, introvert line? If you find yours, there's half this audience.

And would you think, I would think more than half our audience identifies as introverted. I feel like your average podcast listener might have a bit of an introverted. Like, do you think it leans towards introvert? Not always, but. I think it depends, but I think you're probably correct in saying at least 50%. Well, half of the population is. Anyways, if you find yourself misunderstood, check out our introvert line. It might make you feel, well, that's our hope. We just want us all to feel seen. True story, our guest last week, Fibula, lovely human, went to a party. I ran into him

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And other than that, let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick our callers. How's it going? It's going all right. How are you? I'm good. What's your name? Ariana.

I'm 19 and I'm from Virginia. How can I help Ariana? Yep. Ariana. Like Ariana Grande. All right. So before I ask you my question, I'm going to give a little bit of background. Um, so when I was 14, about five, five and a half years ago, um, I was in a very abusive, toxic relationship, um, with an older guy. Um, he lied to me about his age. He

told me he was 16. He was actually 18, about to be 19. He led me on with that for a long time um i found out from his crazy ex-girlfriend who was not crazy that he was actually um set age and um you know i confronted him about it i got the whole manipulative like boohoo sob story about how i really don't want to stop talking to you you know i'm scared you're not gonna like like me anymore. And because I was 14, I was like, oh, older guy. Went along with it. Lied to my mom. He lied to his family. And he was a serial cheater.

Did your mom know you were dating someone? Yes, she did. She actually met him. And she was under the impression that he was also 16. Because he did not look older and what was i mean forgive my ignorance like that's very young like what do 14 year olds do when they're dating oh yeah that's that's the fun part um so like previous little relationships at that age you know you hold hands you maybe kiss a little bit but it's nothing major. With him, it was a lot different.

You know, he's older. He expects more things. So he manipulated me into ultimately losing my virginity to him. Terrible, terrible mistake. You know, he cheated on me with lots and lots of people. And he would make me feel like I was crazy when I caught him. He would tell me I didn't really see that. I'm making it up in my head.

That never happened. And being an impressionable 14-year-old, I didn't know how to feel. I felt crazy. So it went on for a while. And every time I caught him cheating, he would get very physical with me and I was not sure how to get out. So that lasted on and off for about

maybe a year, a year and a half. Flash forward, present day for the past two years, since I was, you know, 18, I'm about to be 20. Since I was 18, who's been making new social media to contact me and to contact my fiance,

to contact my friends. And it's getting to the point where it's like really creepy. It's like almost an it's like um almost an every month occasion you're engaged no yes okay with yes i am and what does your friend say say about this um you know for a while we just kind of brushed it off we just keep blocking the new ones and you know just keep going about our business but he's gone to the point where he's also as fed up as i am and we just really want to be left alone. And I tried taking a passive approach and just blocking him and blocking every social media.

And I had my friends and my fiance do the same. But last week was the tipping point for me where I finally was like, this is enough. You really need to stop. I wasn't being aggressive, but I was just assertive in the sense that, you know, we're not going to be friends. We're not playing catch up. This is done. You need to, you need to let it go. He texted my fiance and told him that he was never trying to just catch up with me and,

um, that it was the wrong person and I'm tripping and all this other crazy things. And, um, my fiance called him out and was like, no, that's not true. Because I have multiple accounts of yours blocked on her phone. So stop playing stupid. The game is over. You're done. And then my ex-boyfriend tried to instigate a fight. So I'm really just questioning, do I take this to a higher level?

Or what do I do? Do I just keep blocking him? I mean, if it's getting to the point of harassment. Yeah. I mean, I don't, yeah,

100%. We've already gotten a restraining order against him once a few years ago. Okay. What's I, I'm super familiar with like the legal aspects of this. You got a restraining order. You said it didn't do anything. how did like, so he he violated his restraining order what are when you got the restraining order don't

don't they tell you what happens if he violates it like what what's you know when he did i was younger and my mom took over that aspect so i'm not necessarily sure what ended up happening i know he didn't get arrested so I'm not sure what she did. I'm pretty sure she notified them that he broke the restraining order, but ultimately, I mean, he didn't get arrested for it. So I don't really know what came out of it on his end. Yeah. Maybe try again. Maybe he's harassing you. He's harassing your fiance.

You went a hundred percent should escalate. I mean, to the point like, okay. Yeah. There again, I went to a party last night and wore a blazer for the first time in a long time. And that blazer got my shoulders tight, my neck tight, and I went home immediately and used my Theragun. And before that world where I owned a Theragun, I just suffered and I had a stiff kink in my neck.

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Healthcare, according to my notes, for women is unnecessarily complicated. Can I get a confirmation? Amen. Oh my God. Like a Sudoku. Yeah. Well, the Pill Club is making it easier for you women. This is what I wish birth control could have been like because my mom is an OB-GYN, easier for you women. This is like what I wish birth control could have been like because my mom

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Oh true. Like in and especially like in college if you had to like pick it up in your college town's pharmacy, that's always a weird moment. There's just too many awkward situations.

You can just handle it. Well, I mean, again, I don't know, but I can only imagine. If birth control is something you're looking for, we want it to make it easy and accessible and safe for you, and that's what the Pill Club is all about. The Pill Club carries over 120 FDA approved brands.

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thepillclub.com slash V-I-A-L. The Pill Club is offering a $10 donation to bedsider.org for every Vilefile listener who becomes a patient. Your donation will help low-income individuals get access to birth control through bedsider.org. That's thepillclub.com slash V-I-A-L-L. And to get your first birth control care package and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control, and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control. Remember, thepillclub.com slash V-I-A-L-L. You must use the link to make a donation. Yeah, I would.

Yeah, because it's gotten to a point where it's scary. You should take this very seriously. I mean, it's weird for any... It is weird. I don't usually like to involve police or authorities. I feel internally like I'm, in a sense, overreacting. Have you talked to a therapist about this? I think you could also get a professional therapist's point of view on this. Well, I was... was i i mean quite honestly i don't know i don't know if i'm gonna be a ton of help when it comes like stuff like this i feel like a like a therapist or a social worker would have a better expertise on certain aspects from a legal standpoint obviously tools yeah um to try to get him to stop but i think he's well past clearly isn't going to. So I guess ultimately,

I just wanted your take on it because, um, you know, my family already has like a bias against him. So I wanted to know from an outsider, if I was being overreactive or if I should just go ahead and, you know, tell somebody. Well, how, in what world do you think you might be overreacting? In what world do you think you might be overreacting? I don't know because he hasn't showed up to my house yet. So, I mean, is there anything the authorities can really do since he hasn't shown up or provided any physical evidence? Why are you guys talking to him at all? That's the thing.

I'm not. He just keeps making new social medias, new Facebooks, new Snapchats, new Instagrams. He's hacked my Instagram like four times. So why have you tried to get off social media? Do you need social media right now? No, not necessarily. I mean, I know it's shitty to feel like you're this guy stopping you from living the life you want to live.

I get that. But if the only way he's accessing you is through social media, are you out there trying to be an influencer? What are you doing? You know what I'm saying? What do you use social media for? If you want to go on TikTok or watch people's Instagrams, you can have your own ghost account and go on social media as an entertainment value.

So delete your accounts for a while. That's not a bad idea. I think I'm going to do that. Don't give him access to you. Because you're right, blocking, he can always keep making accounts. So maybe just... And he can keep DMing and sending messages

and reaching out to something that you're not reading or isn't even there. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I didn't even think about doing that could do that yeah i think i'm gonna try it have you talked to a therapist about the stuff you experienced with him when you were 14 yes actually um after the first time we broke up um i was in counseling because um it he made me feel really really terrible about myself like lower than the dirt on the ground.

Yeah. So, um, I was in therapy because I, I, that was really traumatic for me as a, you know, as a child essentially. Yeah. So, um, yeah, um, I was in therapy for a while. Um, that did seem to help, but it only helped to a certain extent because I, at that time, wasn't honest with my therapist about his age. Um, I wanted to protect him still.

Maybe explore going back. And therapy is kind of an ongoing thing. I would, you know, it would, I mean, in my humble opinion, it'd be something you'd probably want to do before you get married. And congratulations on being engaged. But I would... Thank you. Actually, we just started our first couple of counseling sessions last week.

So I'll probably bring that up to her. and then get your therapist's professional recommendations on how to handle something like this. They certainly are probably well more trained and equipped to handle things from a domestic abuse or harassment of that type of thing. Social workers and things like that when it comes to those things.

Authorities, I don't know how helpful they can be in this particular instance, but I think it's smart that you're taking it seriously. And I wouldn't put any, I wouldn't give this other guy much empathy and consideration or his feelings. Yeah, no, not anymore. I don't care about his feelings anymore.

So yeah, that's what I do. Awesome. Yeah, I'm going to try to do that because I made a new Facebook and he still managed to find that one. So I think I'm just going to 86 it all together. And again, if you want to read people's posts, you can go on under an alias.

Why do people need to know your business right now? I mean... Yeah. Fuck, if I didn't do what I do, I would be... Yeah. So... Awesome.

All right. Thank you so much. Okay. All right. Well, best of luck. Thank know. Yeah. So. Awesome. All right. Thank you so much. Okay. All right. Well, best of luck. Thank you. Bye-bye. Take care.

Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, Nick. Thanks for taking my call. What's your name? My name is Alex and I'm 32 years old. Alex, how can I help you? I don't necessarily have a question, but I do want your perspective on the situation that I'm in.

Okay. So let me give you a little backstory and context. I recently started a position, a new job, as the executive director of an organization that is closely affiliated to a local government entity. And so the environment that I work in is very public. It is quite political. So it can also turn kind of gossipy, I guess. You know, everybody knows about everything and what everyone does. And so with that in mind, back when I was appointed to my position, I was approached by an elected representative of that local government to join him for a working lunch. He said he wanted to talk about my organization, my before me and, you know, just things like that.

So I thought it'd be interesting. And so I agreed. So I went to lunch with him. The lunch went great. It was very productive, professional. It was very productive, professional, and that was that. And so then sporadically throughout, I guess, the next three months, a second and third lunch invite came about and I accepted as well. So we ended up going to lunch a few times and they were all the same, just productive, professional, pretty normal, very insightful. And so that was that. Then a few months ago, or a month ago, he actually invited me to a play, like a comedy play or something.

And that would actually be after hours. So you're actually on a date, basically. I guess, yeah. Did he try to pass it off as not? I don't think so. I mean, it was very casual. I didn't get any indication that it was a date. Well, that's what I mean.

But what did he try to pass it off as not a date? Like, what do you call who asked someone to go to a play with them? Right. I guess it would be a date. I mean, even if it wasn't like a romantic date, right? Yeah.

Right. Like, even if it was like two platonic, like it's a date in terms of it's not work. It's like maybe it was, you know what I'm saying so like did he he certainly did he try to pass it off as like work or like what was like did he just know that work okay i guess yeah they it wasn't romantic or i didn't take it as anything romantic but yeah it was romantic like when he when he was like hey do you want to go to a play? What was going through your head?

I don't know. So I tend to overanalyze everything a lot and so sometimes I try to cut back because if I overanalyze then I don't I feel like I don't do anything just because I get overwhelmed. So I don't know I just thought okay I'll hang out. So you have two speeds, either overanalyze something or completely ignore the reality of a situation. Is that what you're telling me?

At the risk of having to overthink it? You're just like, I'm just going to pretend it's not what it is because I don't want to overthink it. I mean, actually, I think there's a lot of people who will empathize with those two extremes. I'm giving's a lot of people who will empathize with that those two extremes somewhat I'm giving you a hard time but I think we've all been there I guess it's a balancing act

for me but in this situation I just decided to go with it I definitely have my boundaries but I knew that I mean I didn't want anything romantic from it but so you definitely have your boundaries you knew you didn't want anything romantic from it, but, um, So you definitely have your boundaries. You knew you didn't want anything romantic, but you're like, fuck it. Let's go on a date. I guess so. I mean, let's hang out.

Let's hang out. What could go wrong when I say, when I cross a boundary I have for myself, what could possibly go wrong when I do the opposite of what I say I know I want or don't want, which is to not have something romantic. Right. Okay. Well, I, it was, for me, it was going to be more of like a friend date, I guess, or, you know, it'd be a bit more casual. And he would know this how? By reading your mind or? Um, because I told him. Oh, you did you did you so he asked you a little play and you said what um i mean i said yes uh but i told him during during the date during the date okay what did you say yeah so uh right we went to the play everything you know was fine normal um and then uh we went next door to grab something to eat um and then i guess he kind of just he told me that he was having a really good

time and that's when he revealed that um he just enjoyed spending time with me sure so that's when i said well um yeah you know we've had a good time. I mean, we have good conversations, but I'm not looking for anything other than friendship. I'm not at that point in my life. And, you know, we can continue to talk, but it's just going to be, you know, a friend. That's what the only thing that I'm open to. And so he said, yeah, that was fine. He said he only, only you know he just enjoyed

spending time with me and if that was going to be if that's what i felt comfortable with then he was okay with that he had no other expectations and so that was that and then um a few days ago fast forward so that was definitely not that but yeah it was not that was that for that um occasion and so a few days ago um he sent me i guess a screenshot of uh some tickets that he purchased um and these were tickets to a very um i don't know very big deal sporting event um and i had we had talked about hobbies and what we liked and i've mentioned that i you know i always wanted to go to one of these events and so um i guess he purchased the tickets and so he sent me the confirmation and he said um you know if you want to go there they are if you don't that's totally fine like by

yourself well no with him okay obviously and so or that's how i understood it and so um yeah so then i we i had i told him i needed to talk to you because why would you do this? And so we met up at an event and we talked about, well, I asked him what his expectations were for those tickets and why he had done it without asking me. And, you know, I did tell him, like, I feel a bit pressured, even though I would absolutely love to go um I've always wanted to go to one of these events I do feel pressured that there's some other expectation I had already spoken to you about my um you know my just what I want um and so he just said he didn't have any expectations. I told him that if I did decide to go, I would want to stay in separate accommodations and, you know, it can just be. Oh, so this would require you guys to like go to town together.

Yes. This is out of town. Okay. Yeah. And so this is where we're at. You said, yeah, it's just separate accommodations and everything, but I don't know. So you're deciding whether you should go or not. Right. Yeah. Yeah, you definitely shouldn't go.

You have to be very honest with yourself, right? If you have to, this is about about your boundaries being honest with what you want you know there's really no wrong answer you know people can meet in a work situation and you don't like him at all like a or you like him would you be interested in him if there wasn't a conflict with work yes i would be open to exploring things so that's part of your problem that's because right you i i'm i i don't know what to what to do because i i would be open to exploring what is uh i mean other than i guess the obvious what's the risk let you start let's say you start you said fuck it I like this guy

forget about this trip let's just say you're open the idea of like making out and dating them and getting to know each other and saying yes to the possibility of something being romantic there what are the risks like can you not date in this environment

can you like can you date and have it not work out? Can you, do you, is he in a position of power over you? Um, he is in a position of power over me. Um, I think it would also, I guess it could affect my, just my professional relationships. Um, I think being a woman, being young, being in a position that I'm in. How old are you again? I don't, 32. Or young for the environment that I'm in. And so I think it would just,

I don't know, it would diminish my credibility maybe in personal and professional relationships if all of a sudden i start dating you know somebody in his position it's kind of like well you know oh now i see how you got to where you're at and things like that no i don't know it's just i don't know what would come out of it but i've heard yeah i get what you're saying uh is your work so involved that like what is your in general minus this situation like what is uh how much space or time do you have for your own personal time outside of your work um i would say probably like 60 40 okay so like a decent amount so i'm saying like you know it's like i reason i asked like sometimes some people are working 70, 80 hours a week that they just

don't have time to go out and meet other people, have a life outside of work, which isn't necessarily healthy at all, but whatever. And so then you're stuck, like, you know, maybe not one of the day people you work with, but like, those are the only people you're meeting kind of thing. And so I was curious about that, but it doesn't sound like that's the position you're in. Yeah. I also don't live in a huge city or anything like that. So, you know,

I have my group of friends, everything's kind of, everybody knows each other. How small of an area are you in? I mean, I'm not talking about like a rural town like a thousand people but it's definitely not how far are you how far away are you probably like no six hours it's a tough call I don't think you should go on this trip until you figure out very clearly what you want.

And if you don't want anything romantic with him, you should not go on this trip. You should go on the trip on your own with your own money and your own friends. Is he suggesting he would pay for the different accommodations or you would pay? The tickets.

I mean, he already bought them. But I would pay for the ticket i mean you already bought them but i would pay for my own thing yeah um i just don't yeah if you don't want anything romantic with him just like what are your expectations what he has are hopes and it's easy to say well i have no expectations but he clearly has hopes and in this situation his hopes are just as important as his expectations right because with hope comes the possibility of disappointment when the hope is not realized and doesn't materialize in the things that they want. And he does want something more with you.

And he's like, oh, I don't have expectations because I'm not an asshole and I'm not going to freak out if I don't get what I want. When he says I don't have expectations, that's what he's saying, is that I'm going to try to be a gentleman if I don't get what I want. When he says I don't have expectations, that's what he's saying, is that I'm going to try to be a gentleman if I don't get what I want. But it's clear that he wants something.

And he's thinking in his head is it's hope. He's thinking and he's convincing himself he's not lying to you when he's saying I have no expectations. Semantics, but that's what's going on in his head. Which is why if you don't want something, you shouldn't go. And I can't sit there and decide what you should do knowing that you

have an interest in this guy and the work part is complicating it. I mean, you're just going to have to decide for yourself risk versus reward. I empathize and understand why you would say no. I can't sit there and tell you not to care or go for it or fight for love. You know, like, you know, it might not work out. Is it more like as every dating situation happens, it has a greater chance of not working out than working out. Right. But who's to say like, I don't know, if you end up like, you like you know marrying this guy then you'd probably be like yeah so glad i went you know i don't you know i don't know you just have to decide for yourself in the meantime before you make a decision don't put yourself in situations that compromise the boundaries you're setting for yourself you know and until you decide

to like remove that boundary and be open to like dating him then don't date him because you can call it what you want and he can tell you he has no expectations but don't like if you're so worried what people think it's not gonna matter what the fuck you guys say to each other and how much you say like oh we're not gonna we're not a couple you guys took a fucking trip together what do you think people are going to say at work if they were to find out you did this nothing good and who gives a shit what they think but that is a concern of yours you know what i'm saying and a valid one in the situation you're in so what i'm saying is that's why you shouldn't go and do it unless you decide to throw caution in the wind

and not care what people think and pursue this romantic interest that you have. And you'll just have to decide what you want to do. But until then, don't compromise your boundaries and don't say one thing and do another and don't do something that's going to do the very thing that you don't want to happen, even though you two are like bullshitting each other.

I guess this is very difficult. I don't know what weight I should put on each side, like the professional or romantic or, you know, it's difficult. Yeah, I get it. But for me the red flag for both of you

is if you're going to do this it's going to require maturity and honesty and professionalism none of which you guys are necessarily

doing right now you're playing a little bit of games and it's like at the end of the world we all play these types of games but like

this is a very unique situation and it's going to require a unique a unique amount of maturity and perspective and honesty on the part of both of you none of which you guys are particularly practicing at the moment you're like you're kind of doing it halfway but like the fact that you're considering going on this trip is like the exact opposite of the shit you're trying

to accomplish when it comes to like protecting your career and avoiding gossip and he needs to come clean with what his intentions are and that is i like you of course i like of course i'm interested in you i will respect the fact that you don't want to do this but like this guy does not take trips with women that he's pals with he's i'm sure he's got buddies and I'm sure there's buddies he could take and he's choosing to go with you. So he has hope and interested in you and he needs to be upfront with that and own that. Then until he can do that and just be clear, then I don't know if why, because the fact that you guys are avoiding having truthful and honest conversations with each other is not a good sign for dealing with potential conflict and interest in the future that no doubt will arise.

If you guys get romantically involved. Well, I guess I haven't really had any of these converts. So this is very recent, right? I just got this, the news and the tickets and all of this. And I hate that.

He was like, I have no expectations. And I hate that he was like, I have no expectations. I wish he would have been like, I wish he would have come clean. I said, well, if you haven't been able to tell, I mean,

I don't have expectations in the sense that like, of course I can't make you like me, but I, I'm hoping I like, I want to, I want to take a fucking trip with you and I don't take trips with women I just want to be friends with.

Right. And he owes you that level of honesty. Now, you're in a tough position because you don't want to get him to say that if you're going to say no, but I think that's a potential red flag about his ability to communicate in awkward and uncomfortable situations.

Right. I don't even know what to do in terms of... I think I definitely do want to explore it but I don't know if the risk is worth it. I think step one is the ability to see if you can have an honest conversation with this guy. I think this trip is a no bueno until... I think it's a no bueno in general because even if you decide to explore this,

I don't know if a trip is the first thing you guys should do. Definitely. Tell them to go with a buddy to this trip and if you are interested in exploring it to say, I'd feel a lot more comfortable. A, what do you mean by no expectations? Just come clean.

Then if you decide to entertain it, take it really slow. I think I'm going to do that. I definitely do want to explore it. I just have to find the best way to go about it. Not taking a trip. That's like your second date. Not taking a trip.

Correct. All right. Yeah, I'm going to train out of that trip. I'm giving you a hard time, but you're doing a good job of holding him accountable. Just go a little step further. Because I think, you know what I'm saying?

When he's like, I have no expectations. And I feel like you both knew what you guys were saying. Just get it out there and say it. I mean, it did see,

yeah, I can see that. You know, I'm not dumb, but I just, I guess I didn't want to give into it or really, you know, like, like, fine, I can hang out with you, but I don't want to go there right now. I just think you guys need to have very honest conversations at the risk of a little bit of awkwardness and feeling a little bit exposed and naked emotionally or whatever you want to call it.

of being a little bit exposed and naked emotionally or whatever you want to call it. Tiptoeing around it like a couple of teenagers is not the way to go. Correct. And then I also get insight from, you know, I've told a few friends and all they say is, yes, go to that trip. Yes. You know, date him, explore it. Friends tell you to buy a boat. I was just like, well, yeah.

Right. And if you want to date him, then date him. But don't take a trip on a second date. If you're trying to figure it out and be a little more cautious, and if there's risk involved, then make sure it's really worth it. A trip, I mean, dude, everyone's going to find out. And you're worried about what people might think. And again, I'm not telling you to worry about what people think, but let's be realistic. It's something you have to deal with in the position you're in. Yeah. I don't like traveling together as a way to avoid that.

Yeah. You can always do this trip. I mean, I'm assuming this is not like a once-in-a-lifetime experience. There's always next season or next year or whatever. No, it kind of is. It's once-in-a-lifetime? Yeah. Like the world? What is it? No, it kind of is. It's once in a lifetime? Like the world? Yeah.

Like what is it? No, not once in a lifetime, but it's not very. What is it? It doesn't come by. What's the event? It's awesome.

It's a boxing match with Canelo and. There'll be another boxing match. It'll be fine. There will be. Yeah. And if you want to go, go with your friends. I don't,

you know, like you're an adult. You can, don't need to share this experience. Yeah, I know. Thank you. All right.

Best of luck. Thank you for your time. All right. Thanks. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm Addison and I'm 28.

Hi, Addison. How can I help? My fiance broke up with me about five weeks ago. I'm 28. Hi, Addison. How can I help? My fiance broke up with me about five weeks ago. I'm sorry. That's okay. Well, actually, it's not okay,

but I mean, I'm getting through it. So just a backstory. This isn't actually the first time we broke up. He broke up with me a year before we got engaged so when we got back together he pretty much came crawling back like a month and a half after i was a little uh hesitant but

my stipulation one stipulation was for him to go to therapy and he followed through um i was still a little um hesitant even then so we started going to couples therapy why why like why did you well why was that a stipulation uh so when we started dating actually he um did say he's like yeah my mom thinks i need to go to therapy i said well do you think you need to go he's like yeah i do i think i will go eventually so at point, we were already dating for a year and a half when he broke up with me the first time. Why did he break up with you the first time? It was really weird. He was going back to school and he has never finished school. So that would have been his third time trying to get into school.

So what he said was i i don't know if i can be in a relationship with you uh while i'm going to school i don't think i could be a good boyfriend so i think the best thing is for me to just just leave uh he also brought up like he was a huge people pleaser. And apparently like in the year and a half that we were dating, there were a few things that he didn't want to do, but did it because he wanted to see me happy. Gotcha. So what he was trying to say is, I feel like me putting me first and had nothing to do with being a good boy. People do this all the time. He wanted to focus on him.

He wanted to be selfish. That's why he broke up with you. He didn't want to have to consider your feelings. He didn't want to have to put you first. That's why he broke up with you. And then I'm assuming why he wanted to get back together is because he decided he was willing to do that. And I think it's great that anyone gets therapy. And I think it's great that anyone gets therapy.

And I think it's great that you suggested it. But I think in your cases and a lot of people's cases, they suggest therapy or stipulate, as you said, to get therapy as a way that they're going to fix him to make sure he doesn't break up with you again. And therapy doesn't stop people from necessarily being selfish and want to put themselves first. He might, you know what I'm saying? Like the people pleaser thing, whatever. Like

sometimes people just decide to choose themselves and when they break up with someone like he broke up with you, try to do it in a way that made himself not feel like a bad guy. Right. I definitely, I do think, because honestly the first breakup,

he didn't even want to break up with me. I almost had to cry it out of him. Yeah, no, he did. He just didn't know how to say it to you. And I guess maybe in a perfect world, if you mean he didn't want to lose you while he decided to want to be selfish and flirt with other girls or hook up with girls or do whatever it is single people want to do yeah maybe that's what he meant by not wanting to break up with you because yeah listen a lot of times we decide like i kind of want to like you

know play the field i want to be single but like I don't want to lose this person. I kind of like them. It's nice to have them around. I don't like, oh fuck, you know, people break up with people all the time. And then the other person's like, all right, well, fuck you. I'm gonna start dating other people. And they're like, no way. You know? I mean, it's very common that people break up with people because they want to do their thing, but they don't want the other person to move on. So again, like he definitely, again, be careful about the excuses you're trying to make for him and be careful about your ego

trying to prevent you from seeing the truth. If he broke up with you, it's because he wanted to break up with you. And I'm sure it was hard and challenging and messy and complicated because there were feelings there, but he broke up with you. And it didn't sound like you wanted to. I mean, if you're saying, Hey,

I want to, I want to feel like you want to be with me and I want you to choose me. And it sounds like you're not doing that. So like, fuck it. Sounds like you want to break up with me and then sure. But he still broke up with you. Right. Yeah. He did. Funny enough. Like he was in school for only a month, and then he realized that he didn't want to do it. And that's when he conveniently said that I've been so unhappy and it's because you're not in my life. feel like I don't know who knows it's uh so much time has passed and it was the past but had he probably been in school I don't think he would have asked us to get back together maybe I don't

think that would have made it yeah I guess because the first thing that comes to mind the way you're telling your story is you're kind of a backup plan for him maybe not backup plans a harsh, but yeah, the way, like if he wasn't in school, if he had other things going on, he wouldn't resort back to what he's comfortable with. You are very much what he's comfortable with.

You are, have been a consistent theme in his life. And that's probably offered him a lot of value for whatever reason. He's unsettled with who he is as a person. Maybe this going in and out of school, I don't know what his personal goals in life or what he views for himself, but he sounds like he's struggling with his personal life in terms of his goals and his choices. And you seem to represent that part of his life he's not happy with, whether that's actually you or not. Does that make sense? Yeah.

No, I do know he's definitely lost in life. I mean, as soon as he dropped out of school, he got a great job. He's moved up since then. And just to give you more of a backstory. So we started going to therapy. I went individually. He went individually. And we both saw this therapist as a couple as well. So then we were doing that.

He moved in with me and my family. And then we got engaged like six months later. So then things were honestly going great um we hit some rough points when we started talking about a wedding and also buying a house and in this market obviously that wasn't realistic but i think So if I'm hearing you right, you guys got engaged. It seemed fine. But once you actually started talking about actual commitment, like marriage and buying property together,

when you started talking about real expectations, and I'm not trying to discount getting engaged, but we do know that other than like, hey, do you want to marry me and buying a ring and certainly there's a commitment there but it's pretty easy to get out of an engagement it's harder to get out of a house and it's harder to get out of a marriage and those conversations are what

got him what started creating problems yeah like pretty much he was okay with the wedding I think it was as soon as I was like well he wanted to buy a house but what happened was he found out he had a terrible credit score and I think that's when like when I think back on it I don't know if that's when things started like I started being harder on himself I saw that he there was a change in that. And then when I was trying to encourage him with how to build a credit and whatnot, I,

according to him, I was abrasive. What you sound like is someone who's trying to be a fixer with someone who needs to fix himself. Yeah. But I don't, like he was just, I don't know. He looked so down about his credit score. Like when he we got that phone call he was like no i'm not saying you're doing anything wrong i in that and but he his lack of confidence in himself and you know you're just he's you're not describing a person who's ready to settle down so speak, or who really knows what he wants, what you're running the risk

of is out of the fear of losing this with him, and I'm sure you care about him, and the sadness of an quote-unquote failed engagement, and you're running the risk of trying to make this work at all costs. Well, maybe get back together. Do you want to get back together? Honestly, right now now I'm living my life as if he's not coming back. Yeah, but you're living your life as if he's not coming back, which means that you're waiting on him. So to me, that sounds like deep down, you want him to get back together. You're hoping that he comes back, which is a very human and natural thing to feel. And what I'm saying, if he does, and if you listen to the show, we've talked about how I'm worried for people when

they're waiting and they get what they want is because you're going to run the risk of what you don't want to do is marry the guy who's still trying to figure himself out. And when he does figure himself out, he really realizes this is not what he wants to be in yeah that's a scary thought but that's what's happening and that's what's been happening and you know you being the you know the fixing and and again you're trying to help i get it like you're just like hey they have bad credit like let me just it's you're not doing anything wrong but like what you're not is it's just maybe accepting that this person is not a position to give you what you want because you're focusing a lot on trying to help him and getting him off

his feet making sure he's getting therapy making sure he's getting good credit like what value is he adding in your life or was he adding in your life other than like you know nice to be around. Yeah. Maybe sometimes. Yeah. So the last time we talked was three weeks ago and he texted me saying that he was going on antidepressants. Okay. I guess my thing was like, my friends and I were kind of like, oh, like that's good that he's finally taking the step. Because I know before, depression does but are you seeing his this getting anti-depressants as oh okay now he's doing something different he hasn't done before and this might help him and then again you have a

you have a lot of hope for this guy in your relationship with him it sounds like and it's a very human thing but But it seems like maybe to me, you haven't considered the possibility of it not working out or you choosing to move on, not because he doesn't come back, because you're like, you know what? I don't want someone I have to take care of. And I love him.

I care about him. And he's a good person and a good man. And I wish him the best. And I'm sad this is going to end, but I want a partner. It doesn't sound like you have a partner. We need a partner that we can lean on at times. Yeah. Especially in a marriage with problems and kids and stresses and things like that. And it doesn't sound like he's been a partner. It sounds like he's been someone you called a boyfriend and a fiance that you were there for him to lean on yeah yeah and when a house you know leans one direction too much it just eventually falls over right you can't you know you know i'm saying like it's needs to

yeah i do have like another quick question so um before he moved out he told me that the um our therapist told him this oh it's so annoying but he um she apparently said you know if you and addison break up i can picture you guys getting back together. It won't be forever. I'm thinking in my head, why would she say that? He either is lying to me or he misinterpreted that, but I haven't seen it. It could be that. It could be either of those. It could be a bad therapist. I don't know.

Who knows? If you want to bring up your therapist, I guess, whatever, but I don't think it should matter because what should matter is you trying to figure out how you can stop waiting on him. And I think therapy would be a great option for you to try to grieve over this, but couples therapy, I don't think you should have the same therapist. I don't think you should be focusing on trying to work on this relationship. I think you need to try to figure out how you can move on, how you can let go, how you can choose yourself over choosing this relationship and choosing him

and prioritize like having a partner. Right. Yeah. You haven't described a partner to me. You've described, you know, a boy who needs to work on himself. You're right. It was very, like he's very, no offense to him, but cowardly. I also forgot to mention he broke up with me during a couple of sessions. So that was great.

Yeah. And right now you are grasping at draws and trying to get this validation and you feel less than, and, and it's part of this is on you. Right. But he's played or certainly put a big role in this. And this is a lot of very ego-driven,

you having a hard time letting go. You need to focus on how do you accept and let go? How do you move on? This is obviously a big part of your life that right now feels like your whole life. Yeah, I'm really trying to not let it be a part of my life or like define me. I'm really trying to not let it be a part of my life or like define me I'm trying

yeah but you're not actually doing anything about it yeah you gotta listen to what you're saying when this episode comes out listen to it when you say things like I'm moving I'm planning on him not coming back that says you're waiting on him coming back.

Yeah, I guess. Should I even go back to that therapist? I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter in the end. I'm not an expert on picking therapists. It doesn't seem like it'd be very productive for you to get therapy from someone who's also his therapist. It's a conflict of interest.

I think you need to start over. There's plenty of therapists out there. Try someone new, you know, see if it helps. Like this is not the only therapist. Right. That's what I figured. I know like I've been two and a half years, but I feel like. Yeah.

Especially as a therapist, maybe it might be weirdly invested in your relationship, but you need to start fresh and someone has a clear... Yeah, I mean... I don't... You're literally potentially involved in drama with your therapist.

Did you say that to him? I know. Most likely they didn't. Most likely he decided to hear something different. Right. But what you are is you're very much weirdly in this relationship, even though he broke up with you. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I mean, you need to try to let go. I've been proud of myself in a sense that I haven't contacted him. Yeah. That's a start, you know, definitely pat yourself on the back for those small victories,

but now you have to take a step further. Right. Yeah. I guess I just like need to, I keep going back to like, I wonder if he meant this. I wonder if he meant that either way. I get it.

It doesn't matter. I think you want to try to like where you need to try to go get to a place is accept that this was a part of your life. There was probably a lot of good. It's going to be sad to get over.

You're going to go through a grieving process that'll have depression and maybe not depression, but anger and sadness and all those things i don't know the all steps of grieving but you'll have some you know and once you get through those right you'll be able to look at this as a moment in your life and there will be some takeaways and and you don't have to hate them you don't have to think of as a bad person you can still wish them nothing but the best and and and you'll feel that. And those will be healthy things to feel. But right now,

you have to accept that it's over and want more for yourself. You made a great point where literally I had a relationship with a boy, pretty much. Yeah. But that's the anger part. And you're right. But I think more importantly and more constructively is you chose to be in a relationship where you weren't getting any support. I guess it's like, obviously, like when you picture when someone proposes to you, you are like, okay, this is it. Like, it's like, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with them. Like, trust me. I know. I know.

I know that, you know, you'll, uh uh you'll get over it it's not a big deal yeah i mean and if you go about the right way whenever you find your person and engagement whatever fuck it when you find whether it's marriage you want or kids but like when you find that happiness and that fulfillment and that partner that you know meets you in the middle and is providing as much value and support to you as you're offering to them, you'll be thankful for this relationship. You won't regret it. You won't regret the three and a half years you put into it. You'll be glad because none of that will matter. Right. I mean, yeah, I've already learned a lot for myself. Plus, I mentioned this to my friends too. I haven't not had a boyfriend since I was 14.

So that's... Yeah, maybe. yeah maybe yeah this is self-reflection there maybe maybe be single for a minute a hot hot minute yeah that's right maybe take some classes join some clubs make some friends keep it very casual just be alone for a minute yeah that's yeah this is definitely new for me so well. Make a list of things that you want from your relationships. Not so much the partner and stop thinking about list building, but how do you want to be treated in a relationship? What are some expectations you want of your partner of how they provide for you and support you?

You got the giving part down, but you need to hold yourself accountable to hold them accountable. Does that make sense? No, that totally makes sense. For sure. Well, and you should do that on alone and figure that out alone.

Definitely. I agree. So new therapist. Yes. Except that it's over. Try to get out of your head about wondering if he's going to come back, choose to not want him to come back. Choose to be alone.

Choose to focus on the things that you can learn from this. You know, choose to want more from your relationships and for yourself. And you'll be all right. For sure. Well, thank you, Nick. And before I go, I just wanted to say i've been listening to you since day one oh i appreciate it yeah so thank you so much i'm so glad to have actually all right well make me look good and do me proud and uh take me up take my advice

i shall do thank you so much all right take right. Take care. You too. Bye-bye. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Elle, and I'm 27 years old. How can I help, Elle? Okay. So I'll give you a little bit of background info to start.

In 2020, I went through a super codependent relationship. We broke up and I really started working on myself, going to therapy, all those good things. Can you provide some detail? When you say codependent, can you give us more detail on what you mean by that? so um the therapist actually like diagnosed a codependent so yeah i was like kind of the giver and he was kind of the taker he was um an addict and it just kind of i didn't find out until like halfway through the relationship and so it just kind of spiraled from there and i decided well i kind of worked up the courage to end things in january gotcha oh and and just for our audience so they can kind of worked up the courage to end things in January. Gotcha and just for our audience so they can kind of learn what did your therapist say in terms of

the signs of the codependency and and how they diagnosed you based on what you told your therapist? So it was kind of just a cycle he was in addiction and when i found out um he kind of was manipulative and you know did that whole thing where he was going to change and um i was sucked in and i believed it and um you know i just kept giving him second chances because I felt like I needed him. And yeah, I don't know if that gives you enough background. Yeah, sure. I was just curious. Yeah. All right.

All right, go ahead. Okay. So in January, I started working on myself and I was living in the Midwest. And one of the things I decided is I was going to move. I've always wanted to kind of get out of where I grew up. So I'm actually in California now, which is awesome. I love it here. And I moved in August.

And so by that time, I think I was ready to start dating a few months before, but I didn't really want to get into anything before I moved. So as soon as I moved, I hit the ground running and was going on a lot of dates. And so I met this guy probably three weeks in. We actually met at a bar and he was like super forward, really cute. Just came up to me and kind of asked me on a date at a bar. It wasn't like didn't really play the wishy-washy game, which was awesome. really play the wishy-washy game, which was awesome. Yeah. And so we went on our first date.

And after that, I told him, I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. I just started dating again. And so if you're cool with that, I just want to casually date. And he was like, yeah, great. He just got out of a long-term relationship. So it seemed like the perfect scenario of just casually dating each other because we have a lot of fun together did the conversation about like what casually date dating meant to the both of you happen or was it just like did you just call it casually dating and you both like assumed the other knew what you meant or how did that go yeah so i think we just kind of assumed okay um and and what does that mean to you i'm just curious so i think it meant to me that i'm just like not ready for uh to settle down and like really hit the ground running with someone i kind of want to see what my options are out there sure even though what were you willing to do with

him like and no no wrong answers i'm just curious like i think people use the word casually see what my options are out there. Sure. Even though I really like him. What were you willing to do with him? Like, no wrong answers. I'm just curious. Like, I think people use the word casually dating a lot. And I think it can mean a lot of different things. Like, are you sexually active with people you're casually dating? Or are you going to a first and second base, but not all around? You know, like, how much time are you spending with people you're casually dating? Are you still in the dating apps and being upfront with people you're hanging out with?

What does it mean to you? Yeah. So I think that was a question I was figuring out at the time too. I'm a pretty monogamous person. This is my first actual my first actual experience, like, you know, going on, if I am on a third date with someone, I'm usually not even on the apps or anything like that. But with him, um, we kind of talked it through a little bit and I told him like, I didn't, I wouldn't be like sexually active with anyone else just, you know, to be safe and everything like that. And so if I wanted to, we would talk it through. Um, but I was still in the apps. I was still going on dates and like you know talking to people at bars if that came up um so that's I guess what it meant to me anyway we have been dating for probably like two months now and he kind of brought up that

even though he got out of a long-term relationship, he really likes me and he wants to be exclusive now. And like I said, I told him, I don't think I've changed my mind. I still want to see other people. And he kind of said, I kind of have to be fine with that if I like you. We can wait this out and just see what happens. But after... So he brought that up a few weeks ago and i just feel like confused and guilty like because i really like him you know and i'm not like i said before casual dating isn't quite my thing um so what so what is about like why do you want to keep dating other people?

I don't know. I, so I think just because moving to a new city, like there are so many options. And I think the other thing is just like, when you say options, you mean men? Yeah. And the other thing too is like,

I don't really know many people here, so I'm kind of putting a lot of time and energy into making friends also um and so I also just think like you know I've been working on myself and putting myself first for so long like am I just being selfish and I just want to keep doing that even though I really like this guy how old is he he's 28 okay yeah so I think i'm just wondering like i don't know if i'm just looking for drama you know that i had a lot of that in my past relationship um or if it's just bad timing i don't know if that is a real thing but it kind of feels like bad time is all subjective i mean you're you're you're the gatekeeper here. You have full utility over your choices and whether you want to be in a committed relationship with one person or multiple people or date

casually or date this guy. Choice is yours, right? And so timing, you know what I'm saying? When you describe timing, you're almost implying like, things are outside of my control. If only things lined up, we would be together. But things are totally in your control. I think it's important that you recognize that. People can get out of long-term relationships and experience some sort of,

whether I call it trauma or toxicity, or just an unhealthy relationship that you had and want to, you know, process that and self-reflect and work on themselves all while, you know, and then you can, there's a period of like, maybe I should be single and work on myself. Like, it sounds like that you did. And then there's a period of like, well, I'm still working on myself, but I can start dating and I can get out there and I'll, you know, working on yourself is an ongoing life experience. Right. And so you chose to start dating. date this guy casually versus in a more committed way doesn't really have anything to do with your past relationship anymore. I feel like it's like no longer valid for you to use that as an excuse to yourself or to him. Would that be fair to say? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, definitely.

And you're not using that as an excuse to him, are you? No, he doesn't really even know anything about that. Okay, so you haven't really even brought that up. And to yourself, are you saying that to yourself? How are you justifying your decision to want to date casually? I don't know. I guess it's just one of those things where I didn't picture myself like meeting a person. I'd be in a long-term relationship,

like right when I moved to a new city. Um, and what's the downside in your mind? Cause like, you must be thinking like pros and cons. You may not be writing them out, but in the, in your head,

you must be thinking what it would be the downside for saying, Hey Chuck, you S I really like you. I want to take it slow. I don't know if this is forever. We still have a lot to learn about each other, but I really like spending time with you. And I want to see where this goes. I have other priorities in my life. And for you, maybe something that you did in the past is did you fall off the face of the earth yeah definitely and just give all your energy to your your then boyfriend is that something is that a concern for you and your ability to control that in a relationship?

I think so. Okay. I think that's definitely probably one of the biggest things is that, you know, and I do get excited about someone, especially looking at my past relationships and being in codependent relationships. I kind of lose myself and like,

you know, distance myself from my friends. And so I think that is like, maybe I'm just fearful of sure you know committing uh what is your friend situation look like now now that you're in a new city you're making new friends are you still that how's that going yeah it's still unlike that i have a lot of friends but it's still in that um weird kind of in between where I don't have like my best friends yet. I'm still just feeling it out. You're going to have to give it a year or two.

Yeah. That's what I figured. Definitely. Yeah. I feel like you can, I think this kind of comes down to communication, right? And this is an opportunity for you to get to know him more, right? We talk a lot about all these situations and situationships on this show. And I think it's really important that we recognize that whether we label it something or not, or call it a situation, call it a relationship. At the end of the day, early on, as people are going to know each other, all we really want to do is get to know someone, right? Like the part of all these like dating situationships, it's like, if we had a crystal

ball, right? Like if you had a crystal ball in your past relationship and then be like, hey, by the way, like he's got like these issues and the relationship's going to turn into this. And these are things you should work on. And these are the things he's not going to work on. And eventually you're going to break up. Everyone would be like, Oh, good. I don't have to waste two years with this person. Like, you know, that would be perfect. Right. But we don't have that ability. Right. So, But we don't have that ability. And yet we spend so much time not taking advantage of moments we are given with these situations and conflict and these questions we ask ourselves to get more information. And so you're actively struggling with something. And the reason why I'm like, kind of not necessarily challenging you, but trying to get more information out of you when you're saying something like,

I decided to date casually, or I said this is you're, you're no different than anyone else. That's what we all do. We just, we attach these names to certain things. We assume that everyone who's dating has a general like understanding of what these definitions mean to everyone and we just do a lot of assuming right and we all just kind of go about these relationships assuming a ton of shit about each other for people we don't really know and we just hope to get to know. And so my point is, is you really like this guy. So far, so good. Who knows what it's going to turn out to be. But like, as we know, and as I'm sure you've experienced and other people listen to the show,

hard to find people we really like. They don't pop into our lives very often. So we should They don't pop into our lives very often. So we should not take them for granted. Does that mean that you have to like fall off the face of the earth, drop everything, you know, sacrifice your free time, your independence, friends, work to build a relationship? Someone, absolutely not, right? And does it even mean that you necessarily

have to jump in and name it? No. But I think maybe you could give him more information and share with him more things about yourself and see if he shares more things about himself, either through his words or his actions. And what I mean by that is it would be totally normal for someone you're hooking up with and you've been dating to say, I know I've talked about my reluctance to be in a committed relationship. And I really appreciate you being patient with me and willing to wait. And that makes me feel good. So first off, thanks. But I wanted to talk with you a little bit more and offer you like more context as to why I feel the way I do you know yeah in my past relationship you don't have to get into like the

nitty-gritty details but like you could just say when I really like someone I get excited and sometimes I'm something I've learned about myself and something I'm continuing to work on is I have a tendency of not being able to set my own boundaries for myself and I give too much to these relationships. And I'm just trying to be healthy and balance these out. And he might ask questions about, what do you mean by that?

And you can answer and give appropriate context. And what I mean by an opportunity to learn someone, this isn't that difficult of a conversation, but it's still a little awkward. There's some honesty. There's some vulnerability you're giving. And you want to see how he's going to react to this. That's what I would want to know if I were you.

How is he going to react to this. That's what I would want to know if I were you. How is he going to react to it ultimately? Is this an honest, vulnerable conversation? But often we have a tendency of, unfortunately, there's a lot of people out there who don't respond well to these kind of conversations. They might get defensive or weirded out about it or like, well, what do you mean by that? And they get nervous and they get anxiety or they overcompensate. And you know what I'm saying? Like they, he could be really excited about you. And he has this idea of perfection in his head about you. And it's a real like bummer to like, we all want the people we're dating to think we're amazing and great, but how much

pressure did it, it's a lot of pressure to be dating someone who thinks we can do no wrong because eventually we do wrong and they're like, what the fuck? And you're like, what do you mean? I like, I'm a human being. And you feel almost judged in that moment because you're not perfect. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. I, I think i'm totally scared to communicate more with him one because i haven't really told many people about my past and two because i don't want to lose him but i guess if he reacts bad to it i probably don't want to date him anyway correct yeah and i don't think he's going to necessarily react bad, but I think we do need to take advantage of these moments we're given in a dating situation

because we often try to avoid any type of conflict whatsoever because we don't want to ruin the fairy tale that is this person we like and they seem great. We love to say things like, they seem so great. They're so great. I don't know. And we avoid these little conversations. And honestly, like, there's a much better chance he's going to handle it totally appropriately than not. A lot of people can relate who are listening to someone who like throws themselves into relationship and, you know, forgets about their friends. And you can just say like, listen, like, you don't have to make it such a big deal about the past. You're like, I just moved here. I just want to make sure I'm still prioritizing making friends. I'm still prioritizing work. I'm still

prioritizing myself. And I want to get to know you and I want to keep hanging out with you. And I wanted to share that with you. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. You make it sound so easy about just communicating that. And yeah, that's definitely hard for me. I just, I think out of fear from his side and my side of opening up, but I think I'm definitely going to have this conversation. We're actually hanging out tonight, so maybe I'll do it today. And you don't have to be like, hey, we need to talk. You're just like, hey, I really like you. Again, thanks for being so supportive. I really like you too.

And honestly, I'm a little afraid about letting something what seems so great go. But I want to prioritize other things in my life too. And so I'm just a little nervous about juggling those priorities. Because in the past, I had a hard time doing that. things in my life too. And so I'm just a little nervous about juggling those priorities because in the past I had a hard time doing that. And you should work on and need to work on, I'm sure your therapist has mentioned this, like setting boundaries for yourself. Like you need to decide for yourself, what's the appropriate amount of time to spend with someone I'm dating? What's

the appropriate amount of time to hang out with friends? And when you, like, what's going to happen is if you do start dating this guy, as you're making friends, it's going to be easier and easier just to just make him more and more of a priority. So at times you're going to have to say, L, hold on. No, like I want to do this. Even if like hanging out with him might seem like more fun, you're going to have to challenge yourself to get into uncomfortable situations when it comes to making friends and work and yourself because the comfort of just being around him will be so much easier. Yeah, totally. That is spot on. The hard part is what often people do is they don't have these conversations. We do a bunch of assuming and then something, a situation happens and we assume the other person knows what we want or what

they want. And we're just fucking guessing. Yeah, that's definitely my track record is just being infatuated and not worrying about the hard conversations or really understanding someone. Well, you're not alone. That's the good news. yeah. Yeah.

And these aren't even really, they, I mean, they shouldn't be hard conversations. Like these are just conversations. They're just, you're just letting him get to know you and you're getting to know him. That's all this really is.

Yeah. I like, I like the way you put it, you know, in my head kind of like spiraling, but then when you get some outside advice, it, it just makes it sound so much easier than you had in your head. It's just precious. And it's much, it is, it is easier said than done, but try not to overcomplicate it. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. All right. all right good luck all right take care yeah bye-bye thanks for listening don't forget to send in your questions at asknickacastme.com cast with a k i always appreciate you guys listening subscribe rate us five stars we love you

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