The Viall Files - E343 Ask Nick - It’s Not a Red Flag, It’s Life

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Today on Ask Nick, we dive into talking with a caller who is re-entering the dating world, while still grieving the death of their father, wondering how to balance being honest without making people feel bad. Our next caller recounts a friends-with-benefits situation that turned ultra toxic as soon as the caller mentioned going on a date. Next, our caller talks about moving in with his girlfriend, wondering if certain issues highlight that it may not be the right time. Lastly, our caller struggles with a partner who seems afraid of defining the relationship, and may be hiding away from answering. “Are you concerned, interested, or invested?”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit https://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/ViallFiles Headspace: Go to https://www.headspace.com/Viall to get one month free access to the entire meditation library.  Athena Club: Go to https://www.AthenaClub.com and use code VIALL to get 20% off. ScoreMaster: Visit http://www.ScoreMaster.com/VIALL to get started today.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. You are your greatest asset. It's time you started investing in that. Visit betterhelp.com slash vile files and take care of you. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I am your host, Nick, joined in the studio by Amanda. Where's Allie? Where'd she go?

Allie had a very dramatic situation where there was... Are we allowed to talk about it? I think so. I don't know. The point is that there was some crime activity at her apartment, in the apartment next door to her. And on the phone, she was sort of saying that it was this there was some kind of like shootout element. And she thinks they were using that as their like positioning point for this standoff that they were in with a man who I guess had broken into a different apartment or maybe lived there but was unstable and also set the place on fire eventually it was like honestly getting Ali's text it like and I know it's true but it kind of sounded like if someone had piled like 27 valid excuses to miss work into like one paragraph.

There's no way he's not going to believe this. She was like, I just want you to know how hardcore I am. She's got herself in some predicaments. How are you? I'm well. Are you in love with your new girlfriend? Yeah. It's a bit of a tricky one because I think on one hand, I kind of feel like my mind feels made up in the sense of like, oh, if there was anyone I was going to pursue a romantic relationship with, like easily her. Like she's so wonderful. But then there's, I don't know, some of the people

I'm seeing, I've been seeing for a little while and I like to see them and I'm like, I don't know if I should, like, it's that weird, like, what do we owe people? We're in situationships, not even like situationships, like just that we're like kind of in contact with, like, how do we manage sort of like our own timelines with, you know what I mean? Because everybody's on their own timeline. Eventually you just kind of have to pick a movie on and watch on Netflix, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? Because everybody's on their own timeline. Eventually, you just kind of have to pick a movie you want to watch on Netflix. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Is it shitty to see other people though? Even if you're like,

okay, I know I'm going to watch this movie, but I'm still going to watch an episode of The Office. I think a better analogy would be like, you're just watching a bunch of previews on Netflix. Yeah. But ultimately your goal is to watch a movie? I think it's just, I feel like, I don't't know I think the thing that like gives me pause is that there is just like one of the people who I'm seeing like we've been very broken like I've been very communicative

oh he's still he's back yeah so it's like so I don't know what to do in terms of like and like I am in no nobody I'm not exclusive with anyone like there's nothing like shady going on like I'm no way sort of like implied exclusivity

but I'm like I don't know what the it's like not just how do I not break rules but how do I be like as kind to everybody as possible what I've learned in this world it's something I was very guilty of and was guilty of for most of my 30s.

And I think we're, as a society, becoming more and more guilty of it. We're learning about boundaries and qualifying people. And I obviously preach shit like that all the time. And I'm all for having high expectations. But at some point, you just have to fucking pick one and date and see how it goes because you're only going to get so much information doing what you're doing with any of them like you can only watch something like you

know again using the analogy of like the netflix preview you're watching all these previews and you're like this is a pretty good preview i mean i don't know it seems like a see i think i would like watching this movie but you know what i don't know this is another preview seems like i like watching this movie you're actually and you're entertaining yourself i actually used to love doing that like back in the day like i used to like watching previous like you know the movies like i love to go it's exciting oh what's out next you know, the movies. Like, I love to go in there. It's exciting. I love, oh, what's out next, you know? Yeah. I would be mad if I go to a movie and like missed the previews.

Totally. Such a fundamental part of the movie going experience. Yeah. And now we're looking for the perfect preview. And like, again, with Netflix, you're having back in the day, if like Shawshank Redemption was on TV, you'd just watch it.

But now you'd never watch Shawshank Redemption on Netflix because you're like, well, there's like a billion options. You just don't know what to pick. And at some point we have to like date knowing that we can always break up, but you're going to find a lot more about either of them by focusing all your energy on that one person. Like start the movie knowing that like 30 minutes in, you'd be like, they didn't pull me in. First opening act, act one, not great. Didn't keep me entertained. I'm going to turn it off. I'm going to try something else. And I think we spent a lot of time just like

watching previews, watching previews, watching previews, looking for the perfect preview. And we're never going to find the perfect preview. I think that's totally fair. And I think you're right that I'm only going to get a certain amount of information out of this stage. It's inherently very limiting. I think the thing that I'm trying to toy through in the moment is with the girl I'm seeing who I feel very positive about. She recommended a car wash and then I realized I was driving by her house. So I called seeing who I like, you know, feel very positive about. Like she recommended a car wash and then I, it was, I was realized I was driving by her house. So I called her and I was like, hi, I'm outside your house and I'm on the way to the car wash. Like any chance you want to join? Just because like she was going on a weekend trip and we aren't going to get to see each other.

And so we just went to the car wash together and we had so much fucking fun, even though it's like literally the lamest date in the whole wide world. So it's like, on one hand, I'm like, everything from this stage has been very positive, but we've still known each other less than two weeks. And I think for me, if I want to have a partner right now, it's like, I really want them to be like, I have got some trust issues. And like some of the working through

is going to be me on my own time, but some of it is picking someone who's like rock solid. And so I feel like I'm still assessing for like consistency. And so because I want to kind of take my time and see how even outside of a relationship, like how she sort of like continues to navigate the dating phase. I'm like, okay, well, there's, I want more time to kind of like see how things go,

see if behavior changes. So then during that time, is it messed up for me to be seeing other people? I wouldn't say it's messed up, but I think a lot of mistake people make is that we expect this reciprocity before we give ourselves boundaries. There's nothing stopping you from saying, I'm going to focus on her or broken leg guy, whichever one. And even if I don't expect the same commitment from them, because I think's too early say to define the relationship but like I just I just I want to I want to focus my attention on her because I want to pay attention to what she says I want to and I'm I recognize we still have a lot to get to know each other and I'm

not going to like allow myself to just fall in love just because I've decided to do this right but like you set boundaries for yourself focus a little bit more and then maybe you're right because two weeks is a little early. But like you could be like, I'm just going to enjoy liking her or enjoy liking him or just enjoy liking someone and enjoy being excited about someone.

And it's a balance, right? Because it's hard to do that and not get caught up and fall in love. Yeah, like idealize and create this version of them in your brain that is not the actual person you're going on dates with. But you're paying attention to what they say and you're paying attention

and you take the good with the bad. In this world of serial dating and dating apps, we're counting on our rosters to slow us down. When we need to like look at ourselves and be like, hey, slow down. Slow down and get to know someone.

Yeah. We have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K for our Ask Nick episodes. Always appreciate you guys sharing this podcast with your friends. Tell your friends, if you have any friends struggling with relationships, insist that

they listen to this podcast. Obviously, we have our Bachelor Recap out on Tuesdays. Can't thank you enough for telling your friends about our podcast, sharing it on your social. We try to reshare it when you can. And if there's nothing else, let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey, good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Sarah. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. do I make a first date not feel griefy? And a bit of background is that my dad died last year and the month prior, my uncle did. And the reason it comes up on dates is because I get asked what

I do. And what I do is manage, well, help manage my dad's store and business and properties. And then it turns into the conversation of like, oh, well, how'd you get into that? And that's not really something that I'm doing. I'm in nursing school, obviously. Sure. So what do you manage? Your dad's what? Just the business and properties.

Gotcha. Okay. Yeah. So how does that translate into a first date? How do I bring that up? What do I do? And the reason that my uncle also gets brought up is because my uncle used to work for my dad and it's like, it just, it ends up making the air really weird. Either the other person feels like they have to like trauma dump to compensate and be like bonding through that way, which isn't healthy. Or like there's like this kind of like sad look in their eyes or they get uncomfortable.

And like, mind you, everyone's been really great. Like, I don't think I've had any like bad reaction or anyone's been or anyone's made me feel weird. But it's just not helpful in dating if that makes sense yeah yeah no i i get it um i mean i get it in the sense that i can imagine that it's challenging i unfortunately um can't empathize let me ask you this like well how are you doing with the passing of your father and your uncle i'm okay um but not there yet okay so you're still dealing with yeah yeah it happened well the reason why i ask is and i can only imagine that it would be normal is that

my guess is you know you're still dealing with it. So it's in your head, you're self-conscious about it. Maybe you're projecting a little bit, you know, and giving your situation in terms of like what you do, like we could sit there and like role play and try to figure out like questions to avoid like them asking you, what do you do? And like, sure, we could try that. Right. But I think big picture wise, you know, I think you just have to, you know, give yourself some grace and just keep working through the loss that you experienced. because you know i'm imagining like being on a first date with someone who like like yourself and and you think like what do you do and you're

like i work managers properties like oh that's really cool like how'd you get into it and you're like oh well my dad passed away and then i'd be like oh well like i'm really you know and people would say something like awkward or like you know like I'm really sorry like how'd that happen etc etc and there is no way at least right now for you to avoid that like what did you call it grieviness like that greasy air in a day yeah it's not ideal I get it right we want our first dates to be light hearted and you know fun and whatever

but you know I'm someone is that I'm sure you probably know listening to this podcast like we just got to try to take advantage of the situations that we are in. Did you know that even an okay credit score can cost you a hundred grand over the life of a 30-year home loan? That's a lot of money. Well, it's true. And that's why you should use ScoreMaster before you apply for any loan. ScoreMaster can take your credit score from

okay to great fast. The average user adds 61 points in 20 days or less. And you ask yourself, why? How can they do that? Well, because listen, your credit score is a fickle thing. And sometimes like paying off a credit card or closing a credit card or maybe even opening a credit card or paying down a student loan by a certain amount will up your score just like that. And so it kind of helps you kind of massage your score and give you the right information to do that. And the thing is, credit rates have never been lower, but those rates will go up soon. So before you apply, visit scoremaster.com and add points to your credit score fast. Then you can maintain and protect your credit score with 24-7 credit

monitoring and $1 million fraud insurance. It only takes minutes to enroll, see your points, get more points, and qualify for the lowest loan rates. Visit scoremaster.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is scoremaster.com slash V-I-A-L-L to get started today. Ladies, let's talk about your legs and shaving them. Is that weird? Is that okay for me to say? Listen, I got a girlfriend.

I understand the burden, the cumbersome that is to shave thy legs. Not a fun thing. No, no, no. No, no. That's right. But Athena Club's razors are here to help ease the pain and make life a little bit easier for you. The Athena Club razor is designed with built-in skin guards

to help prevent razor burn while being gentle on curves. I realized when I was like 14, I was in the shower and the only razor there was my dad's. And I was like, what the hell? Women get bad razors usually. And so that's why like with Athena Club, it rocks because it's not like a terrible janky razor that doesn't work. It's like the good stuff that they usually say for the men. Yeah. With Athena Club, the only problem you're going to have is your man stealing your razor. The razor blade is surrounded by a water-activated serum with shea butter

and hyaluronic acid. Hyaluronic acid. That's in all the good serums now. Which is the holy grail for skincare. The best part of the razor kit is it's only $9 and comes with two blade heads, a magnetic hook for sour storage,

and the razor has six color options, but they also have black and white razors, which I've never seen before from other brands. Concur? Yeah, I've never in my life seen an all white razor. How's their shave? Oh my God, top notch. Top.

Absolutely top notch, because it's like, it's really silky, but you can still cut through it with the razor. So top, top notch. Also stole that from Natalie. Show your skin, you care. With the Athena Club razor kit. Sign up today and you'll get 20% off your first order.

Just go to athenaclub.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L. That is A-T-H-E-N-A-C-L-U-B.com with promo code V-I-A-L-L for 20% off. We are going through different stages in our lives. All of us, we have our good moments. We have our good years. We have our bad years.

We have times of feeling down, feeling up, et cetera, et cetera. And right now you're kind of in this period of obviously grieving the loss of your father and your uncle. And so you might not be able to completely avoid that. And quite honestly, I feel like us role-playing and being like, let's figure out a way to try to avoid this conversation would be an additional stress that you shouldn't be thinking about on your day. So what can you do? what you can do is see if someone like helps you through this in a way others don't you know like you mentioned like you know you just have to trust your gut in a sense that um there are going to be at least if

you're open to it there are going to be men who least if you're open to it, there are going to be men who approach this differently or handle it differently. And there might be a guy or two that for whatever reason handles that conversation in a really nice way. And if they don't, maybe that's a sign for you to be like, I don't know, not my guy. And if you listen to the show, we know that regardless of what you're going through right now, most of the guys you're going to go on dates with aren't going to be your guy. Right. And usually when we are forced to have, you know, deeper conversations or more intense conversations early on, we're peeling back layers that we sometimes don't get to peel back until day

three or four, right? Most of the time, we'd be like, oh, well, it's the first day. Don't bring that up. You don't have to get heavy, all these things. And as a result, sometimes we don't get to learn as much as we like to, which is okay because sometimes we just want to see if we can have fun with someone, see if there's some chemistry. So just take the good with the bad.

The opportunity you have here is without trying to, without forcing it, you're going to have slightly deeper conversations early on for a period of time, right? And as a result, you might learn more about someone on a first date than you otherwise would if it was like, let's go bowling and not talk about deep shit, right? So I think just, I'm just trying to change your perspective on not stressing yourself out and not taking it too hard on yourself. I wish I didn't have to talk about this every time, which I get sucks, right? Yeah.

But it is an opportunity for you to like learn, you know, like you're 26, you said? So you're an adult woman. I'm assuming like having a guy who can show empathy, can show consideration and passion, can have difficult conversations. I'm guessing those are like qualities you're looking for in a guy.

Yeah. Right? Absolutely. So maybe this is an opportunity to see who handles it. This is your world right now. You can't avoid it. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. And you're going to

continue to grieve the loss of your father and your uncle and it will continue to get better. And I think you stressing yourself out about this is only going to make it worse. Because you can't avoid it, right? Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. You can't go on a first date and be like oh well here we go like you know as soon as they're like what do you do for a living you're just like i fucking know where this is gonna go and you're in a shot yeah and so i'm telling your energy is changing even more than theirs right you're you might be showing like you know your anxiety and your stress. And this is going to, those all play apart and in conversations that you have, you know, so don't feel like you have to apologize, you know, like, and I don't, not that you would, but you're always like, well, I don't want, okay, here we go. Like, I know you didn't plan on having this conversation on the first date.

Like, don't say things like that. You you know people have this way of being like like whether either directly apologizing or like passively like you know like I said I bet you didn't expect this or like what do you think you know like life happens to all of us right and this is what you're going through, and the right person is going to listen to your story and say the right things that makes you feel safer or more comfortable, might make you feel like you could even open up to a little bit more, won't feel the need to make it about them

and trauma bond or dump on them. You know what I'm saying? And you might just leave and go, you know what, that, that went better than I thought. I had a nice time, you know, because no one, no one, like no normal person is going to hear this story and look at you and go, Oh, well I can't date her. You know, like, I don't know if it's, I've, I've never, and I've gone on dates with people who have been like, yeah, my father passed. Like I've never and I've gone on dates with people who have been like yeah my father passed like I've never had a thought I've been like oh well red flag you know like how could anyone do

that unfortunately people die we are we are all gonna die right and so yeah and I don't know what's going on in your head in terms of what you're thinking or you're projecting or wondering what people are thinking. But if someone were to think that, oh my God, then date's over. You don't want them. You know what I'm saying? You're so worried about someone not liking you, but you wouldn't want them. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah i think it just it's the trauma bonding more so than anything else that gets to me because

i i didn't i don't need you to tell me everything the first day and i feel like that opens up that door and well how often how many times does that happen does that really happen are you worried about it happening no it happens a lot like give me an example that's the last thing i went on it was like last week or so dude was totally normal totally great and then i just mentioned the thing like just like you know like so this is what i do and this what's going on and then he was like oh yeah like i had a complicated relationship with my dad and then i don't really talk to him anymore and you know like my mom and him separated and he drank a lot and he used to hit me. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay. Hold on. So what did you think about that? Like forgetting about the fact that you felt like he was just trying to match your story or trauma bond or whatever. Like you certainly got more information about this guy. Yeah. And it happens a lot like in general, just like in the profession that I've chosen,

like that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right? But in my personal relationships, like I feel like that takes the attachment from the other person too far. Whereas I'm still on, this is the first day I'm trying to figure out whether or not I like you. And I have to go home and sit with how I feel after being away from you and just see how that went and process how I feel. So after like something like that, when the other person ends up sharing a lot, I don't mind it at all. Like if that's your release, that's totally fine. But then

it ends up taking things further, quicker for them. Whereas I'm still like, this was just a first date. Let me figure out how I'm feeling after this. Even if it's like a second date, like I still have to kind of sit with it, you know?

Yeah. But I, I, but I guess I still go back to my original point that, you know, in that example that you gave, like how did, how did you see him in that moment um i guess human but human is trying to make me feel better but there's no wrong answer

like how were how did that change how you felt about him i don't mean i'm not coming from an empathizing like but like as a potential dating, where you're like, this guy is like, I have dad issues. I don't know the relationship. It didn't change anything. Okay. It didn't change anything. No. I mean, I was still interested, but then I hesitate with that a little bit.

I'll see him this weekend. We're going on a second date. It's fine. But then I hesitate a little bit where you're texting a a little bit more you're calling a little bit more like if I'm in school or if I'm studying like I still have to do these things you know yeah but I don't think the fact that you shared a story about your dad passing away made him think that you liked him more than you do I got a question for all you peeps out there.

Are your thoughts running in endless circles in your mind? I know they are for me. Amanda, also? Constantly. Constantly. A damn marathon. They're always running. Marathon of thoughts.

Well, you know, it's not always good to overthink. You need to do something with those thoughts and Headspace is here to help. That's right, Headspace. Headspace is a convenient dose of meditation, mindfulness, and sleep exercises to relieve stress and anxiety and help you get a good night's sleep all in one app. Make it easy to catch your breath and make time for your mental health. It also has other helpful classes or segments in their app. I don't know what you want to call them, but like

to start your day, helps calm those kiddos down. Let's get everyone together and meditate. to start your day, helps calm those kiddos down. Let's get everyone together and meditate. Anyways, meditating is a great key to helping your mental health and your emotional stress and just kind of getting back to neutral and just focusing on yourself. And Headspace is helping you do that. And it's one of those most science-backed meditation apps in the world. A study proves in just two weeks, Headspace can reduce your stress by 14%. Who couldn't use 14% less stress in their life? I would say it's reduced stress in my life by 27%. But that's just for me. I can't speak for everyone. They, 14. Me, 27. I don't know. I'm just saying. Find some Headspace at

headspace.com slash V-I-A-L and get one month free, one month free of 14% less stress. And again, me, 27. Of their entire meditation library, of which there is so much to choose from, this is the best Headspace offer available. So go to headspace.com slash V-I-A-L today, headspace.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Like he could still be, what you're describing is this guy seems like he's a little more excited about you than you might be about him right now and you're uncomfortable with that if i am i understand like that that's what you seem to be describing yeah and i just don't want it to be because someone thinks that i need like saving or i need like i don't know maybe i'm just projecting i think i'm just you might be a little bit yeah

yeah because you know people regardless if they've dealt with death or trauma or whatever, often can go on a first or second date and one person is more into the other person. And then you're just like, I don't know, he's texting a lot or she's texting all the time. That happens all the time. Yeah, yeah. happens all the time yeah yeah like it's kind of almost impossible for two people to be in the exact same wavelength early on i mean we might say it but like you know like who knows yeah so i just kind of have to step out from under my own shadow here is what you're telling me a little bit but also too is again appreciate that you're learning more about these people and it might say well i don't

you know i don't love that about this person or or maybe if it feels like they're instead of listening to your story and simply saying you know i'm sorry you went like that like you know obviously that must be challenging and like we can talk about if you want if not like I know we're just on our first date and and not trying to make it about them you know like yeah I wasn't there on this date but it almost sounds like instead of just listening to you he was just like let me tell you about you know yeah me and and listen it listen, it's a fine line. You're going to have to feel it out. But I think for you, the biggest thing is, yes, not try to project, not try to go in with like, worried about this conversation happening. It's going to happen. And you just need to accept that and not apologize for it. And realize that you're going to have this conversation

on first dates more often than you would prefer. But either way, it's a conversation you're going to have to have. And how people handle that conversation could be a great way to learn more about these people you say you're trying to decide if you like. So use that opportunity to see how they communicate, see how they handle these things, and stuff like that. But I don't think this is the reason why he likes you more than you like him. Okay. Because that can happen a million different ways.

Okay. You know, it wasn't like, he's like, you're like, my dad passed away. He's like, oh, well, I love you. So like, I'm here to save you. Like, I don't, I'm sure maybe like some great,

like some, I don't know. But I think the average guy is not immediately like, oh, let me be your hero. Like, I don't know. I certainly haven't had that thought you know it's kind of like oh that's that's a terrible thing I I'm sorry you know you just you know it would be a pretty arrogant thing and I'm and plenty of guys are pretty arrogant to

think well I can I can make this all better. Her dad died. And again, if you get that energy from a guy, that's a pretty big information that you don't need to spend more time with him if you get a vibe that he is going to be, he's so arrogant that he can somehow help solve this problem.

Yeah, yeah. And it's help solve this problem. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like a problem. That's the thing. When people start seeing it as a problem, that's a huge red flag for me. Because it's not. It's just life. You're just like, I'm sorry.

That sucks. Yeah. And yeah, because I think the way you deliver it just I'm trying to imagine if you told me the story it's like oh sorry now again if if they have like I I don't have this like baggage like you know baggage like this guy kind of unloaded his family stuff and thanks and again like that's stuff you probably want to know like yeah yeah you know how does he handle that you know because some people wait six months to find out they have like some shit they need to work on and like you described someone who might like want to look into therapy oh yeah no we talked about

that okay well these you know it sounds like you're on the bachelor like you know you talk about shit on a first date that you wouldn't normally talk about. It's not the end of the world. You're confronting it head on quicker than you would down the road. The worst thing you can do is be resistant to

something you can't avoid and make it a bigger deal than it needs to be and project and make it weird or get defensive or apologetic or whatever. Just, you know, own it, I guess. I mean, it sounds almost weird, but like just... I kind of have to, it's okay. Yeah, and just give yourself grace

to keep working through it and it'll be fine. But yeah, there's no magic way to like figure out how to not how to avoid the conversation yeah that's fair all right okay thank you all right well best of luck i hope that was helpful thank you it was it was all right take care you too bye-bye bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? What's your name? I'm Bailey. How old are you? I'm 23. All right. How can I help? So I have a friend that I used to hang out with in college. And like back then it was strictly friends. And then I recently got out of a three-year relationship. So I, um, you know, I'm having fun and being single. I'm not ready for a commitment whatsoever.

And over the summer, me and this friend, you know, decided to take it to start hooking up. Um, and this friend moved to Austin, and a couple states away and then he was been texting me to like come visit him like since the day he found out he had to move for work up until I booked my flight which was like beginning of October and right before I went to visit him, I went out on a date, and, like, because we are friends, like, I just, like, gave him, like, that, like, heads up, like, strictly friends, like, no feelings whatsoever for him, and then he got pretty nasty and was, like, what, and then when i got to austin he you know we hooked up like this like the second we got to his place and then we like met out like went out with his friends and he was like oh like i just got off so if anyone wants around with her let me know

and i was like okay like that's it's pretty not okay yeah like just not okay and i was like okay like i'm gonna like brush that off why because like we were just friends i was like okay like yeah i wasn't comfortable i was like i was gonna bring it up later but like that to me was just like i'm going to make a scene in front of everyone. I'd just rather deal with it privately than publicly. And then the next night, we went out with another group of his friends. And some of the friends left the bar. And then when we were there, he started making out with one of his friends. But I didn't know that till later on.

So then we're like walking back to his place and the friend that he made out with earlier, like is at the bar, like going back to his place with us. I'm like, okay, like this is kind of weird, but like she lives like the apartment, like building right next to him. So it's okay. Like she's just going to get like walking home with us. And when we got to his place, I went and changed like out of like my outfit into the comfier clothes. And I walk into the kitchen and they're making out. And I'm like, Oh, okay.

Like I'm like, I walked like back into the room. I was like, okay, like, I don't know what to do. And then like, like I walked like back into the room I was like okay like I don't know what to do and then like they like called me back into the room and then he texted me hey I'm gonna like make a move like do you want to get out of here I was like yeah okay so like I decided to like go for a walk at like 2 a.m and 43 weather wait wait he asked you to leave basically yes yeah he texted me to leave so like so he could hook up yeah and then yeah okay an hour goes by and i get not it wasn't even an hour then i get like you can come back text i don't respond right away and like he keeps like texting and calling me and i'm just like I like need to

figure out like my thoughts like this is like really weird so then I get back and then he like drives her home and then he goes and showers and then he expects me to sleep in that bed that they just hooked up in like not even like clean the sheets or anything and then the next day he like keeps trying to hook up with me and I'm like no like I'm not like not into this and then just because like I felt like really disrespected and then right after that he was like oh like I couldn't even finish because I was thinking about you and i was like that's like not okay so like i have like two questions like is this person like even worth like being friends no no okay like how do i deal like because it's a shot to the ego and i feel like that's

what i'm struggling with the most and like yeah what are you struggling with because like the answer seems so clear on this end like okay so i struggle with like self-image and like all those things like that to me like just the way he was acting like really reassures how like i feel about myself so like how do i like get myself out of that like thought process and like just like oh like he's just a cruddy person sure but like to me like the way he was acting like adds to like the way i like sometimes perceive myself yeah that makes sense you have to try to separate the two right and just it's just self-awareness right and you're there like you um you recognize there's an ego thing feeling disrespected. And regardless of your feelings towards him,

when someone disrespects you, your ego is like, I should never be disrespected. And then when our egos feel disrespected, it has a way of trying to get validation from the person who disrespected us. Okay. Right? And so with that, we have a tendency of kind of compromising ourselves and our standards

and morals for ourselves. We do things we would say, I would never do that because our ego is like, yeah, but we need to get validated because we feel disrespected. There's this thing, maybe ever, I think men are more guilty than women when it comes to this. But when men feel disrespected, whether justified or not, when they feel, when their egos are triggered, they have a way of wanting to punish the person who disrespected them um and to me when you told the story of you tried to show him respect by letting him know you were just going to go on a date yeah it's like hey we're adults. We're fuck buddies. And we don't even live in the same state.

Yeah. Well, that's neither here nor there. But did you tell him or did he ask? I told him. He asked me what my plans were that weekend. And I was like, oh. And then you told him your plans. Yeah. Okay, so he asked.

He asked. You chose not to lie to your fuck buddy. You were like, we're two adults. We're not dating. You asked me a question. I'm going to be honest with you. Whether he has feelings for you or not, you disrespected his ego.

He's thinking, this chick's flying out to see me. I'm going to fuck, you know, whatever. And she needs to go on a date with another dude my dick's not good enough you know like that's how he's thinking and his immaturity and like i've heard stories about like old men doing this like so it's not just an age thing you know but it is a side of immature people and men. And I've just, I hear stories like this more where men are more guilty than women, but I'm sure, I'm sure.

Yeah. So he, his response like that, when he, when you like how crude and disgusting for him to say, oh, I just had her. You know, you want to go at her, you know, like he want, he wanted, that was a deliberate attempt at making you feel less than because whether you and you did nothing wrong but you telling him that you're

going to date made him feel less than so and like even before i got there so i thought on a friday and like that wednesday he hooked up with someone and he was bragging about it to me. So I like joking, like word for word, like, oh, you couldn't wait two days. Like not even like I was just like joking, like using like his own words against him. And I was like, okay. Yeah, we understand about this guy is he's not self-aware or mature. And just because you do something one way doesn't mean he's going to reciprocate he is very reactive to his ego being triggered he doesn't seem like he has like this kind of

self-awareness that you seem to try to have like where you fight you catch yourself doing things and you're just like oh bailey like like why am i doing this like i doing this it doesn't sound like he's there yet he sounds just very in his own needs and bullshit right like he probably thinks like what I don't know what's the big deal yeah I don't

and that lack of self awareness is when you're like oh is he worth no he's totally not worth your time okay even just like having like we're in the same friend group like I don't know artist is when you're like, oh, is he worth? No, he's totally not worth your time. Okay. Even just having... For what? We're in the same friend group. I don't know. As you said, he lives in a different city.

How... Friend group what? How often do you need to see... Never go to Texas. Yeah. And if your friends still talk to him, okay, that's fine because you're like ultimately he disrespected you he made you feel uncomfortable he was fucking weird and creepy but like you're fine right like you're okay so like you you have no hard feelings you just know

that like continuing to engage with this guy certainly certainly sleeping with him, is this like bad news for you? And it's going to continue to make you feel like less than, and it's going to trigger your ego and make you vulnerable to do things that you know you don't want to do. So continuing to engage with him and hang out with him, you are aware that you will be a worse version of yourself not a better version of yourself so regardless of like the fact that you don't like them or whatever or how good the sex is or not like you don't want to hang out with anyone that's like every time i'm hanging out with this person i do shitty things and at some point you know you have to hold yourself accountable but like you are you feel anxious you feel like you're pining for validation whatever it is these are not qualities that

you want to have right like now so yeah and you just have to try to separate that like you know like this this feeling triggered and this need for validation does not mean you like him you know what i'm saying it does not mean anything other than like your ego is triggered. Yeah. And like, so I ended up blocking him. Like the second I got to the airport, I was just like,

I felt so gross and I like blocked him. Like, do you think that was too dramatic? Like, cause I like, I'm having a hard time. My golden rule of blocking is if you're doing it for you

it's okay okay if you're doing it for a reaction then it's not okay so reaction means you're doing it for them if you're just doing it

for your peace of mind your mental health you don't want you don't want to give them access if you're doing it to remove someone's access to you you don't need a justifiable reason you remove someone's access to you, you don't need a

justifiable reason. You don't need to explain it to anyone. They don't have to like it. That's fine. But if you're doing it for your mental health, block away. You don't have to explain to anyone, but you should never do it to get a reaction. You should never block someone and wonder what they think about it. Yeah, no, this, it was just like, I needed like a cleanse of like get that weekend behind me and like figure out like my thoughts because like the second I got off, like got out of the car, like into the airport, he like kept texting me about like how much it meant to him that I like went

out to visit him. And I was like, this doesn't add up with like your actions. Like I'm just not going to even like involve myself more into this. How old is this guy? He's 23. Okay. Yeah. I'm not, maybe he's not, your examples you're giving are pretty crude and gross. Yeah. And he has a lot of growing up to do. He doesn't sound very self-aware. Is he a guy no you know probably not you know but it's not your job to let him know or fix him or get him to wake up yeah and and and have him grow so like don't try to spend a lot of time being like oh it doesn't add up like he is a very immature guy that when things don't go his way nothing else matters than his immediate needs to feel validated and

important. And once he feels validated and important, then he can go back to be like, oh, I had a nice time. Can I get you a cup of coffee? You know what I'm saying? That's why it doesn't add up. His need to have sex with that other girl was about validating himself. to have sex with that other girl was about validating himself. I could do this. You know? Yeah. And it's incredibly selfish and immature.

So once he felt validated and good, he could start being the good guy, quote unquote, that he thinks he is. Okay. That makes a lot of sense. So he was feeding his ego. And it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me or anything I've done.

It's just all on him at some degree. He's completely unselfaware about how shitty he's been acting. And that's not an excuse. And again, not your job to explain it to him. It's just a sign for you to run and block him and just avoid it. Yeah. And then again, this is not your concern, but like, if he has any decency in him, when he realizes you've blocked him,

maybe he'll spend some time reflecting about how that weekend went and maybe realize I was, wow, I was a big piece of shit. That was gross. Like I wouldn't want like a girlfriend of mine or my daughter someday you know my girlfriend I mean like any woman I cared about to like experience and be uncomfortable and all based off of what because she went on a date yeah and we're not and and like I talked it over with one of my friends like I called him when I was like walking and like, he was like, no, like this just was not like a healthy situation. He's like clearly like this guy, either he doesn't have sisters or he doesn't have friends and he doesn't know

how to treat others properly. So it was just not the weekend I was expecting either. So it just like threw me for a loop. Yeah. He's not, he's, he's not a good dude. I mean,

and maybe he has some growing, you know, he has some, you know, good qualities, but he's got a lot of growing up to do. And yeah. Yeah.

It's not a good situation. Yeah. But, and so for you, it's just a good practice to, again, when we recognize like our egos being triggered to like take a moment and say well why am i why am i doing this why do i care you know when you are doing when you care

about things that you don't think you should care about that's a good sign that your ego is is being triggered and your ego searching for validation for something, you know, big picture wise, you don't need. Yeah. And it's like, I think it's easier said than done, but like,

I've really noticed like every single time now, like I'm going to like, but I have thought about it. Like, no, like this isn't because I'm into him or anything like that. It was just a shot to the ego and you got to separate the two. Yeah. And you know, a fuck buddy situation should be, you can still have a mutual respect

and consideration and a, yeah, if you're going to fly and meet up, like you can avoid doing that or hooking up and making out with other people. And that is not the same as going on a date with someone in your hometown because you're interested in a relationship and you're fine with if he went on a date, but throwing it in your face and having sex with... I mean, God, what a creep. You're good.

Thank you. I don't think you should ever talk to him again. Yeah, I don't plan on it. It's just, it's weird because he also tries to hit up my sister and she's worn her yeah yeah yeah and i'm like okay like that's also gross in itself yeah yeah i mean the only reason you should talk to him is if he hits up your sister you should reach me like don't ever fucking talk to my sister ever again and if you do yeah i'll tell everyone how big of a fucking creep you are

i mean you could say that yeah that would be the only reason to talk to them other than that yeah yeah that's a good line to throw out there if i need it yeah all right well i'm sorry you had to go through this and experiences but i'm'm glad you're doing okay. Yeah. You got to live and you learn. Yeah, you do. All right. Well, take care. Okay. All right. Thank you. Yeah. Bye-bye.

How's it going? Good, man. How are you doing? Good. What's your name? My name is Bryce and I am 22 years old. How can I help, Bryce? Now, talk about moving in with my girlfriend and she, we've been together for six months and things are progressing quickly. Um, quickly. Yeah. Very quickly. Okay. Um, we've been spending a lot of time together

staying with her a lot because it's near my school where I go to college and it seems to work out um her lease is up she wants to get a new apartment and she has asked me to move in and one of those factors moving in is to have my dad's um you know a kind of blessing or saying that it is okay to move in. And we were able to have a conversation with him and surprisingly he was okay with it. And now one of the things is, you know, am I ready? And a little bit of me, like knowing myself, I am ready. Like I'm excited for, I'm the youngest in my family. So I get to finally, you know know head out

and now one of the biggest questions is okay if I leave you know I don't want to come back what do you mean if you leave you want to come back you know if I leave my house now and you know something that doesn't work out living with her and do you live with your parents or do you live by yourself I live with just my dad and my brother. Gotcha. And we're all close. We're all close. Am I ready?

Is it too soon? Um, yeah, I think the relationship progress with my girlfriend and I, it's going great, going great. And I just, you know,

I don't, I don't know. I don't mean to laugh. It's really, it's really quite, you're really I don't know. I don't mean to laugh. It's really quite charming. But you're probably not ready. It's probably too fast. Should you move in? You know, I'm not here to say.

I'm a firm believer that, especially in this day and age, where moving in has, like like weirdly become something couples do like pretty fucking fast. And like the first year it's like, you know, we did a date for like six or 12 months. Like what's next? We can't get married. Cause that's nuts, but let's live together. Like, like it's like this next weird step we do. And then we'll be like, well, we spent all our time together. And it's like, it would just... I don't think people should move in to save money. I don't think people should move in based off of convenience, things like that.

If you decide to move in, I think it's healthy that you're realistic. And it sounds like you are. Like, I don't know. What if it doesn't work out? Your concerns are all like about your pride and your ego. And I'm going to tell you this right now, as a, you're a young 22 year old man,

things aren't going to go the way you plan. I mean, get used to it. And, and, and so whether it's you moving with your girlfriend, you guys break up in a year, you move back home with mom and dad and brother,

they give you some shit or whatever, that shit's going to happen, man. I'm not saying you're going to break up, but some version of, I never thought this would happen to me is going to happen to you time over time over time. And that humility, it ends up being a great thing and that's where you get perspective.

And then at some point, you'll stop saying things to yourself like, this isn't going to happen to me because it is. And so if you decide to move in with her, I think that concern of what if we break up? You know what's going to happen if you break up? You'll break up. You'll figure it out. You'll be heartbroken. You'll be sad or you'll be relieved. I don't know. And you'll have some inconveniences of moving back in or getting a different place. And again, who knows if you were to break up? Could be two years from now. And at that point,

you don't want to move back in with dad or brother. You just get your own place. Or maybe you make some friends, you get some roommates. I don't know. Right. Right. Yeah. And one of the big things too is you won't know until you try.

There is that. But why do you want to move in with her? I think it'd be a great opportunity to learn how to balance financially and really just kind of understand living together. And, you know, we're kind of doing it now, but the thing is I won't have that escape route. Oh, I just want to go home and I'll get to stay there for the weekend. You know, I won't have that. If I live with her, I won't have that, you know, escape route or whatever something would happen. Sure. Are you, I mean, are you, you've been dating for six months. Like, are you, are you trying to get married tomorrow?

No. When are you trying to get married? If you're in a planning world, in a planning world, I have a year and a half of school left. I will be a teacher and I plan on doing, getting married about three to four years. Okay. Okay. Nice plan. I had a similar plan. Yeah. I mean, I just don't think you should do a lot of that type of planning. And this is just my advice, man. What the fuck do I know? And maybe I'm projecting my own life onto you. But I think in this day and age, I think it's good to keep your options open

and that doesn't mean not have girlfriends and I think you know if you if you really like this girl and you love her go for it man like make it work like see if there's something there but just because you met at 22 doesn't mean like you have to like escalate it, you know, it doesn't mean, you know, maybe you, you know, I don't just, I would allow the, allow the space to say, there's nothing it's, I think it's a scary thing to say. And I think some people take it as unromantic to say to themselves and to their partners and to each other, let's see how it goes. Right. I really like you.

Today, I love you and you love me. And if you listen to the show, I talk about like waking up every day and choosing your partner. And I believe in that. And you guys decided to move in in six months. Does it mean you're more in love than a couple who sees each other three times a week. If you guys get married in a year and a half, it doesn't mean you're more in love than the couple who's trying

to make long distance work. It just doesn't mean anything. It's everyone's individual relationship choices are their own. And I think, I don't know about you, but when I was younger, I liked to attach meaning to my choices in the relationship as it relates to how much we cared for each other. And I think a lot of young people do that because we want to feel like our love means something. It's special. We want our love to be special. And of course, and it is, but it's just, you just have to, you have to be patient with attaching a value to what your love means because every day is a new day to decide how special that love is and how special do you want to make it. Right. I totally agree on that. And I think part of me, it's kind of like, you know, I don't like it, but it's life is the unknown. We don't know what's going to happen. We don't know the answer to this all the time. And that's okay. And, you know, just roll with it. Like you said, just wake up and roll with it and see what happens. And I think I'm kind of leaning toward that way. I'll just, you know, I think that is what i'm leaning toward now is it crazy yeah it probably is crazy but you know who who do you think wants it more uh she does okay i think i i i think people should want it the same amount let me me ask you this. Do you feel comfortable saying, babe, can I be honest with you? The idea of living with you seems great. And honestly, best thing I've had in my life so

far, really like where it's going. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't, you know, I just think it's going a little fast. Do you feel comfortable saying that to her? I do feel comfortable saying that. Okay. I do. And, but again, you know, I don't know why I'm like this, but I won't know until I try. Like, I don't know. Sure. Well, I mean, if you're an exhibitionist, then you know, like, and listen, we all try to experience things different ways. And that's kind of my point. You're right. If you move in with her, nothing bad is going to happen. The worst thing that could happen, you realize, oh, that was nuts.

And if you move into each other, you have a lot more to learn about each other than you know about each other right now. Whatever you feel like you know about each other, if it feels like you know each other forever, there's a lot more you don't know about each other right now. Whatever you feel like you know about each other, if it feels like you know each other forever, there's a lot more you don't know about each other than know. And as soon as you move in with each other, that is going to be, you're going to go into hyperdrive in terms of how much you learn about each other.

For all you know, it could go absolutely wonderful. How much do you like in terms of the time you spend with each other are you guys comfortable doing things on your own yes yep and there's always time where I'm like hey I

need to go do this on my own I need to you know I like to run so I get out and run a lot I go to my practice because I'm a coach. I like doing all those things. And she supports me with those things. And we always spend time either like watching a movie and then doing our own thing, you know, homework. You know, we're trying to learn that as we go.

And I think one of the things that I'm leaning toward moving in is because of that. She's understanding on, okay, I need to do homework. So, you know, you need to leave me alone. So doing those things is kind of helping that out to get me, you know, to understand I'm ready to move in with her. Okay. Have two TVs. Yes. You know, sports.

I got to watch them all. You know, watch your own shows. Are you planning on combining finances? Not yet. We're just going to split the rent and then we talk about that. You're calling it out for my advice,

so I'm just going to give it. My financial advice would be, you guys are roommates as well as partners until you're married. This playing house bullshit and like let's just like combine finances because like we live together like no that's for married couples and if you want to get married propose but like until then you know like you're my roommate well you know you are roommates and a couple and And married people are just married people. So I think it's important that you,

and I think you should be able to have that conversation with her. Do not, any conversation you think you might need to have with her, you need to have with her before you move in with her. Up front expectations. How are you going to handle finances? You know, and things will change,

but you should at least have a conversation about like how things might change. And this will be certainly a crash course and your guys' ability to have conversations about things you didn't expect to have and getting annoyed with each other. Have you guys been annoyed with each other yet? ability to have conversations about things you didn't expect to have and, and, and getting annoyed with each other. Have you guys been annoyed with each other yet? Oh yeah. Okay.

Well that's good. That's normal. That's normal stuff. Yeah. It's six months, man. A lot of people are just like, Oh, they're fucking great. I don't think anything's wrong with them. And I'm like, okay. Um, so I guess good that she annoys you. And I mean that in a real positive, but yeah, I mean, listen, it sounds like you just gotta be realistic, man. As I guess my overall advice, like don't play house any more than you already are in the sense that you guys are living together, you know, you're, you're both roommates and a

couple. And so separate finances, like don't buy things together. Don't buy a couch together. Do you buy the couch? I'll buy the kitchen table, whatever. Right, right. We actually did discuss that in that way instead of going half on it.

Right. And I think it's okay to still acknowledge that we've been only dating for six months and we don't know. We might want each other to be our forever person, but we don't know if each other is. We're just deciding to do this kind of thing and fast forwarding because whatever, this is what we want.

And is it the smartest idea? I don't know, but we want it and so be it. We're going to do it. And that, fine. If you're realistic, go nuts. And if you guys break up, whatever, you move back in with dad like who cares and you know another thing too that kind of factors in is her family and now i'm very family-oriented and but i'm not totally warmed up to her family yet and i don't know what that is i never had that before i never had that you know i usually warm up to families right away and and her family is just a little what don't you like about them just kind of the terminology they use i mean i don't know if it's just because they're always open and like kind of no filter things um i'm sometimes i'm like

oh man you really just said that while i'm here you know and i don't know if it's because of that or something i'm used to like conversations with my family and I don't see it both ways. Yeah. I mean, that's just part of getting to know that's part of dating someone. Right. Uh, you don't have to like them just have to have a mutual respect.

And it just depends on how, I mean, I wouldn't ignore how close is she with her family? She's close, but she's not that close. Like how I she with her family? She's close, but she's not that close like how I am with my family. And I think she had a rough past. That's why she moved out at a young age.

And maybe that's why I'm not warming up to them right away because I know she's had a rough past. So I don't know. Yeah, I mean, listen yeah you don't have to you don't have to love them or you know like them you just have to respect them and have them respect you and that is part of dating someone not necessarily you know be in love with the in-laws so to speak but i don't know if that necessarily especially it doesn't sound like they're that involved in her life in terms of like her own

choices yeah yeah family is only a major concern when it's like i mean quite honestly you know but the relationship you have your dad you wanted to get his blessing right that mattered to you the relationship you have with your dad, you wanted to get his blessing, right? That mattered to you. And that can impact a relationship because like, you know, let's say you're like, I want to move with my girlfriend.

Like, I'm desperate to. And she's like, me too. And then obviously you're like, yeah, but I got to talk to dad. And dad's like, no, like that could impact the relationship. But if they're not really impacting her choices and they're just like there

and she's like, yeah, these are my parents. I love them and we have a relationship, but I don't need to see them all that much. Then I don't think you got to worry about it too much. And is that bad if we do more with my family than her family? Like is that going to be together? Depends on what does she think? I mean, I've dated women who are like, I love your family and I get a relatively

like close and my parents are great and they're nice to be around and some of the people I dated weren't particularly close with their family and so they kind of bonded with mine.

Yeah, I just, she loves my family and we would do dinner every Sunday, you know. Everyone's choices are different,

man. I think as far as your relationship goes, how you guys communicate and work through differences and how much time you guys spend with each other and your kind of love languages and things like that and how you guys respect the free time you both need

to be independent. All those things matter way more than like, I need to love my parents or like or like my parents you know you just need to respect each other's families and you know don't it's not a competition like don't make her feel like her family is like oh my family is better than your family because we like hang out with my family just like don't make it about that and it won't be about that. Be honest with yourself and don't wait to have conversations with your girlfriend.

It's hard for me to open up. She's an open book. Sometimes it's hard for me to open up. That's why I try to look at it both ways. Just be careful. It's not hard for you to open up because you're afraid of her answer. She sounds like she's been on her own for a while she's independent she's you know she's an open book and it sounds like you know

you're like oh her family kind of like says some crazy shit you know like well just remember the apple doesn't too fall too far from the tree you know so she's a big personality she's probably you know she wants this and like just make sure that you don't lose yourself in this. Make sure you're not the one who's constantly compromising. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree on that. All right, man. Well, best of luck. Um, it sounds like you're going to do this and, uh, we'll see, you know? Yeah. Yeah. We'll definitely see. We definitely have to catch up. All right, man. All right. Let us know. All right, man. Take care, buddy. All right. Thank you for calling. You too. All right.

Bye. How's it going? Hi, my name's Macy. I am 26 years old. Hi, Macy. How can I help? So basically, I've been seeing this guy for about three months. We met on a dating app.

After about a month, we had a conversation where he just moved into town. And he said he didn't want to be in a relationship and i was like chill we've only been seeing each other for one month i don't even know you you're an internet stranger so let's continue to hang out and see where it goes and reassess which i thought was a good conversation um and then he moves and he basically just not ghosts me because i would text him and he would give me short responses back. And then that made me feel not great because he wasn't asking like, how are you? Even though I asked him, hey, how was your move? What's going on? And it was three weeks went by

and I hadn't seen him. And then finally, I was just like, hey, that's not okay. I know we're not dating, but, you know, I want people in my life I want to feel cared about. So then he kind of blows back like, well, I didn't want a relationship, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I don't want one either yet because I don't know you. So we're sort of at the standstill where he apologized and things are back to normal. where he apologized and things are back to normal. But I just don't know what to do. Because every time I try to explain expectations, he throws that, but I don't want a relationship. So yeah, yeah, I just don't know what to do. Why are you investing in this guy? I think well, when we are together, like he's, I typically get very anxious in relationships. And I think at the beginning, he did make me feel very secure that we could both be independent people, but then rely on one another.

And he's really awesome to hang out with. But now I'm starting to get that anxious feeling again. So, yeah. Could you be more specific about like what it is he said or made you feel about? Because it's like you're not dating he has since moved well he just moved apartments in the same city okay so you're still in the same city okay yeah he just like um moved okay just got a new got a new place yeah exactly so i gave him time to do that and i'm not being like I'm not being texting every day. It was literally like a week went by after he moved. And I was like, Hey, how are you? And then he goes, I'm doing great. The movement well. And there was no like, how are you the past week? Or like, what's going on with you? And it's not that I care about people without the expectation of them caring about me back. That's who I am. But it did kind of red flag went up do you care about them i think i do to an extent yeah like to what extent i think to the extent of that i want to

know more okay i think i just take i take a long time you're interested in them yeah exactly yeah yeah i mean that's immense words but i think that's a more accurate way to describe how you feel is that you're interested in them yeah they care about someone like sounds like you care for them yeah that's true when you and i'm curious when you say i care for them how do you what does that mean to you i think to me it's like oh i'm concerned about like what's going on in your life i want to see you more if you're concerned like it's concerned sounds or interested i think i'm genuinely i genuinely care that his move went well and i want and i wanted it to go sure really you're a nice person yeah I get it. I guess.

You're invested in this guy, it sounds like. You're calling and you want to know how to handle it, but I'm not. I'm trying to understand why you're so invested. It makes sense why you're interested in learning more. That's fair. And what you described early on as you met him and like how many dates did you go on that you had a nice time that you didn't feel anxious or notice some of these red

flags it was like six or seven dates so i guess that's pretty big for me because i don't sure okay typically so you yeah and those six or seven dates were all like pretty great. Yeah. They're really good. There was no hiccups. We have a great rapport and yeah, we have a lot of fun together. During those six or seven dates, part of the conversation of like,

I don't want a relationship came up. Yeah. It was after, I think, yeah, after like date five or six, he was sort of like, yeah,

I can see where this is going. And he had just moved to this city so you date you went on six or seven dates before this conversation came up yes okay and so when he tried to define this not relationship he mentioned he didn't want a relationship yeah and i kind of countered with well do you just not because he he gave me the his reasons which is makes a lot of sense he just moved here he doesn't have like a home base he's still like move in a transitional living situation at that time and I said no worries and he was just afraid of losing his independence and so he kind of I'm like the person where I only want to hang out with you once a week

anyways um because I have a lot of my own stuff going on and so I was like that's fine I don't want a relationship with you yet either because I don't know you. And I think maybe the question I should have asked was, do you not want a relationship or do you not want a relationship with me? But I don't know if those are two different questions or they're the same. Well, I think maybe, yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't beat yourself up about not asking those questions because I don't know if you, I don't know if he knows the answer to either of those questions, but what you could have asked is what does not a relationship mean to you? You know, like for the people, and this is very relatable, you know, this happens a lot, you know, someone in this

situation ship that you're in will be like, no, I don't want to, I don't this happens a lot, you know, someone in this situation ship that you're in will be like, no, I don't want to, I don't really want a relationship. And whatever the reason is, though, you know, I just moved my freedom, et cetera, et cetera. And then, you know, oh, I don't want one either. And then that either stops, but they, they want to keep hanging out on some level. He's, he's responding to you. He's open to seeing you again. on some level he's, he's responding to you. He's open to seeing you again. And so I would be curious if I were you is what is, what does that mean? Like what is not hanging? What is not being in a relationship, but still hanging out mean to you? Like what would be expectations to have of one another? Or do you just want the total freedom to come and go in and out of each other's lives with zero expectations? And he has the right to say yes,

and then at least you have the truth there. And then you can decide, do I want to keep investing in someone who just told me he wants absolutely no expectations he wants to be able to hang out with me on a Tuesday not reach out to me for a week and then hang out and say what are you doing and then you don't get to be like where you been yeah okay yeah because I don't think that's that's something i could do yeah and it seems like that's something he's interested in doing and you gotta get him to admit that yeah and i think whenever i do have whenever we do have those conversations he just kind of just shuts down as like well i don't know i don't know and so it's hard for me to find answers well listen it's it's tough it's tough in the moment to think of like oh the perfect question

you should have asked him yeah but like part of it is because you're sometimes afraid to hear the truth you know there's a little bit of that but when someone says what they don't want or what they want you need to figure out what that means. Because it can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. You saying, oh, I don't want a relationship either. Is your ego being like, well, me too. I'm not chasing you, man. But you do, it sounds like, and correct me if I'm'm wrong you are interested in finding someone to be in a relationship with if you get to know them and like what you learn

about them you you saying well i don't want to be in a relationship with you uh yet either is there's the yet is the operative word and because you're hopeful that you will continue to like what you get to know you know you've liked the first six or seven dates and then he popped you with this you know this i don't want a relationship and you're like well i don't want to live with you either because like i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone i've only been on six and seven dates with and i have more to learn about you and he that's not what he was saying. It sounds like he was like, I just moved here. I don't want

a relationship with anyone. And maybe it could be I don't want a relationship with you, but he's probably not going to say that. And I also believe that someone in his position might simply just say,

I don't like this is happening too fast. You seem nice, but like, you know, new city, new people. Like, I want to meet a lot of chicks. I want some flexibility. I want to be adventurous. I want to, you know, and, you know, a lot of people will say, well, I'm cool. I i'm fun we can be adventurous together and and maybe you are and maybe you can but you know relationships do take commitment and

sacrifice and you don't have as much freedom uh in a relationship you have out of it and maybe he is prioritizing his freedom and independence. Yeah. That makes sense. I guess it's just, yeah. How to initiate that conversation, which I think you've laid out. I feel like he kind of had it already, to be honest.

Yeah, me too. But yeah, I think that's where it just feels like we're at a standstill and that we're, if we have another conversation, it's just going to be talking in circles. Here's what I would do.

I would wait for him to reach out to you. Yeah, but what if he doesn't? Then you have your answer. Oh, but I hate the fizzle. That's like the worst way to go. Son of a fizzle. Yeah, but I don't think this situation requires some sort of dramatic conversation or breakup. yeah but I don't think this situation requires

some sort of dramatic conversation or breakup yeah yeah you've gotten yourself in a bit of a situation ship you there's a bit of a power dynamic struggle you're trying to find you know and

while you don't like this because it makes you feel confused or unsettled, and I get that, but reaching out to him and forcing a conversation he doesn't either A, want to have, or B, feels like he's already had it, is not going to get you what you want. Not reaching out to him, going about your, you know, your world does not revolve around this guy. Correct? Right. Yeah.

You have plenty of things going on. You got friends, you got a job, whatever you have other interests. So remember that because when I say, don't let him call you, you're like, Oh God,

I can't do that. Because in your head, you're going to be like, that's all I want to be thinking about. Well, don't, don't think about it. And when you head, you're going to be like, that's all I want to be thinking about. Well, don't. Don't think about it. And when you, I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but you can just be like, hey, I don't know.

Stop it. Like, yeah, I'm bummed. I don't know. But also, I'm assuming in your list of qualities you want in someone you just met, excitement to hang out with you would be up there in terms of things you want. And so right now, he's not excited to talk to me. So that is your answer.

So stop chasing a call. And when he, okay, so let's assume you can do this. You don't reach out. Let's assume. Let's assume. let's assume you can do this. You don't reach out. Let's assume. Let's assume. Let's assume. And then he reaches out. He's like, hey, what's up?

I haven't heard from you. Like, oh, I've just been busy or whatever. And then he's like, well, do you want to hang out? And you say, listen, I really enjoy you. I've really enjoyed liking to get to know you. But you mentioned you don't want a relationship. And while I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you, I do want a relationship.

And you don't seem like you're in a position to want to make anyone a priority. And that is okay. And I want to feel like someone I'm dating wants to make me, at least on some level, feel like a priority. And, you know, and again, that's totally okay and then let him see like you know and i've we've talked about this a lot on different you know callers but you just saying what you're observing of him and stating what you want is going to go a lot further than asking him a bunch of questions

he doesn't have answers to or doesn't know how to say it honestly so you just say it for him because he's told you this is you know like all you are is this like articulating to him back what he's already said to you and also showed with his actions in a sense that he's like you know when i say let him call you you have a real fear of him not calling and then the second real fear is him not calling for five days and then picking up and be like hey what's up you want to go to a movie and you're just like i've been wanting you to call every day for the past five days what the fuck and that is not something you should be feeling in an early dating situation. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I,

I do feel like it is a me not wanting to give up power and space for him when he does make me feel anxious. So. Yeah. But dumping it on him isn't going to help. Yeah. Like, why didn't you call like,

well, you know, like, you know, you've had a conversation, having another conversation isn't going to help. You're right. He's made it pretty clear.

I wouldn't even call it fizzle. Like, don't call it fizzle. Yeah. Fizzle implies that you are going to be waiting around and like hoping he calls. And like, he's not like, we both know he's not calling anytime soon. like we both know he's not calling anytime soon and he's yeah we both know he's not going to call call reach out to you as quickly as you hope he does right because right you'd like him to call you right now and be like hey do you want to go to a movie tonight and that should tell you something right yeah so accept that that's not going to happen and you can be disappointed about it, you know, and then choose to want someone who wants to do that.

Yeah. I mean, I think, yeah, it is like a pattern in my relationships where I just, I have like avoidant people who are like, no, I don't. And I'm just not sure how to find someone. Well, I wouldn't call him avoidant. And again, I'm not necessarily an expert in attachment styles, but he's just a guy who has other priorities in his life right now. Yeah. I mean, he went on six dates.

And as soon as it came up, he was, sounds like he was actually pretty clear about what he didn't want. I wouldn't give him like a gold star or say he should be running seminars in communication, but like it, he gave you enough of information to kind of like, if you wanted to hear his truth, he was telling you his truth. And that is he doesn't want to make anyone but himself a priority especially when it comes to dating and he is hoping people including you are willing to hang out with him at his convenience whenever he wants and won't feed and won't make him feel guilty for doing other things whenever he wants. That's what he wants right now.

Yeah. Dang. Okay. Yeah, that's it. I don't know. That's a bummer though. And the one thing that might make him change his mind is to show him with your actions

that you aren't waiting around with him, that you won't be okay with only hanging out with him to his convenience. That when he does call once every three or four days, you most likely have other shit to do. And even if you don't, you like, you know what I'm saying? Like, well, I did do that and I don't think it worked. Cause I, I haven't been like going. Well, you have to. You have to be willing to accept that when you make

whatever your list is of qualities you're looking for someone to got, this guy is not I don't know what your list is, but I guarantee you what he is showing you is on his list. And yet you keep saying I keep attracting these avoidant men. No, you keep chasing guys who show you that they

aren't willing to make you a priority. Yeah. And you calling it, I keep going after guys with an attachment style. That's just like a... It's a real nice way of

saying you like chasing people who aren't willing to make you a priority. And that's your choice. And that's not a problem with them. That's a problem with you. Yeah. I think this guy just needs to go around and meet new people and fuck around. And he's just not ready to be in a relationship.

Yeah. And if you are, you have to respect yourself enough to not go after people who say they're not I feel good about that yeah they often tell you you just have to listen oh okay

alright you're going to be okay I'm certain of it cool alright well thank you alright best of luck thanks for listening guys You're going to be okay. I'm certain of it. Cool. All right. Well, thank you. All right. Best of luck. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions to astnick at castmedia.com.

Cast with a K for your Ask Nick questions. Subscribe and tell your friends. Straight five stars. All that fun stuff. See you back. you