The Viall Files - E346 Ask Nick - He’s Not a Science Project

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we dive into the wild world of situationships. We start with our first caller who started dating a girl who moves cities every few months. After meeting again in another city, the caller wonders if there’s a chance to reconnect and take the next step or if it’s better to move on. Our next caller reflects on being the toxic one in a relationship and tries to get advice for better pathways to deal with issues in the future. After that, our caller talks about a positive date turned sour, when her date revealed while drunk, that he’s been researching her. Now the caller wants to know if this is charming or creepy. Our last caller deals with their bad relationships with their mom and sister and asks how to reconnect with their family when things look dim.  “You can’t be your most authentic self and be liked by everyone.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/ViallFiles Brooklinen: Visit https://www.Brooklinen.com and use Promo code VIALL for $20 off of with a minimum purchase of $100 SwitchCraft: Download Switchcraft for free and unlock the magical mystery!   Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Visit betterhelp.com slash vile files because honestly, being a human is exhausting. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vov Files Ask Nick edition. Welcome, first-timers. I think every episode, we probably got some new people being like, fuck it, we'll try it. We'll be gentle.

Totally, especially if the title is something iGrabby. iGrabby. I wonder what our title is today. iGrabby is something I grabby. I grabby. I wonder what our title is today. I grabby. I grabby. Yeah. I mean, when I was like, when I was going through the interview process and I was doing a lot of research on the show, it was like very telling which of the episodes I was like, Ooh, I got to listen to this one.

Really? There was, um, I listened to the one about the man with the sensitive nipples or like where, or where the woman, it was like a woman and a man. Nipple sucking. No. Yeah. She was sucking on his nipples. And where the woman, it was like a woman and a man. Nipple sucking. No. Yeah. She was sucking on his nipples. And then he was judging her.

Yeah. And I was like, listen, if you want to, yeah. And I said, if you want to dance, I'll let you, but not necessarily. You can dance there for a little bit. Yeah. We definitely made a TikTok out of that. Well, welcome. We have a fantastic episode for you today.

Anything new in your ladies' lives? Not the biggest fan of needles, so I just decided to get all my needles done in one fell swoop. Got my lip filler and my COVID booster done within two hours and just passed the fuck out on my couch. So it was a good Tuesday. Lip filler? Yeah.

I feel like, is lip filler like, lip filler scares me, Allie. Oh, this is my fourth time getting it. I got to say, I never, I didn't, usually it's kind of obvious. Well, I was scared because I'd never gone to someone out here. I've only gone to people in Minnesota. And the people out here, it's like, it's a lot. So I was very nervous, but I found this girl and so far so good. This is yesterday?

Mm-hmm. And I don't have like any bruising. It's great. I only, for a lot lot of the beauty procedures, I have a rule which is I only go through Groupon. And it's very hit or miss. And so I don't think I would want to do something as high stakes as lip filler.

That is truly a terrible idea. No, it's awesome. Are you kidding me? Wait, wait. There's just certain things that you don't try to save money on. Yeah, lip filler would be one of them. Yeah, which is why-

Cosmetic work. We're all on the same page. Lip filler is too far. Like a massage and laser. Like eyelash extensions. Yeah. Amanda and I go to the same laser place because she referred me to this Groupon

and we got a hell of a deal. Okay, that makes sense. I just thought you were talking like procedures. I wouldn't get like Botox done necessarily. I've been tempted. I'll be honest. I've been tempted, but I haven't actually done it. I have not pulled the trigger.

My friends have a like, they're watching me. They're like, we're making sure you don't do anything stupid with Groupon because I love Groupon. Still going. Student discount that I still have even though I'm not in school anymore. So I hope you don't. You know, I've never used Groupon. Really?

That doesn't surprise me. Why? Because you bought a designer suit for a wedding that wasn't yours. Yeah, but that's like, money's not an issue for you. But that hasn't always been the case. Okay. I think also even people, I feel like if there's one thing you learn in LA, it's like even the richest people will still like only want to do the cheapest option for certain things. You know? Yeah. Like when people are like, when my friends who are assistants are like booking travel for their bosses, people who you'd really think are important in flying first class,

coach. Yeah. I come from a family of cheapskates. Like on your mom and your dad's side? More my mom's side. Okay. I still fly coach. Like it's, if I go to New York, I splurge. That's a long flight though. But flying first class to Chicago? Unnecessary. Yeah, you're paying such a premium

for slightly more leg room and I don't drink or eat airplane food. So what am I paying for? Why am I paying three times the cost? For a New York Times when you first get on the plane.

What else is there? Yeah. But when you For a New York Times when you first get on the plane. What else is there? Yeah. But when you fly to New York and you get the bed. That's a game changer. First class to Europe also, that's a move. No, if you get the bed, it's a game. It's worth it. If it's long enough, yeah.

If you're in a fortunate position to do it, I do it. I flew coach to Nashville. Do people recognize you when you fly or not? Sure. Not always. I feel like it's better with the masks, right? That's true. Yeah, with the masks, certainly less and less. Well, we have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in your

questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. Don't forget to tune in for our Bachelorette recaps. And on Wednesday, we have the Bachelorette herself, the Michelle Young in studio. And I feel like our goal is always to learn more about our guests

than the show will teach us. That is our goal. And I think Michelle provided a lot of information for us last week that we have more questions about. I want to know about this past relationship. Why is she so good at asking

the why questions? When did she know Martin was a fuckboy? I want to know that. You know? Yeah. There's so much I want to know about Michelle. I want to know what Michelle, what her best Halloween costume was. I tracked down

someone she went to high school with. I'm asking her for some hard hitting questions. Okay. Stick around. All right. Well, it'll be great. Tune in Wednesday. Let's get to our callers. How's it going? It's good. What's your name? My name is Adam and I'm 35 from DC. How can I help Adam? I've been single for a little bit. I've been single since maybe like the fall of like 2019, kind of like after my marriage ended. Okay.

And a couple of years. It was, yeah. So, but it was an amicable split. It wasn't anything that was, that wasn't best for both people. But over the winter recently, like the winter of 2021 um i kind of connected with a woman uh through a dating app and like nick man we like immediately hit it off man just kind of like one of those days man it's just like it lasts for like three hours and like we went to like a bunch of different places and i really just kind of hit it off you know we just had like you know probably

one of my best days that I'd had since being single. And things kind of evolved into kind of just what was just mainly kind of a sexual relationship. After like our first date, second date, she let me know that she was actually going to be just living in my city for like three months. And she was going to go to another city for three months. And then one more city after that, because she could work remote. So she was just kind of like trying to explore the country um you know taking advantage of her so it's not like she had to like this was like a personal choice of hers yeah yeah absolutely and you know a little background on her she had been through a divorce too as well no kids as well so we kind of we kind of vibed off that um you know she's a little younger than me but she's i'm gonna say maybe um i think

she's just turned 30 so okay um and so, we really just had like a great time together. She eventually, you know, was leaving DC. I was going to actually going to go down to Miami. And so we kind of left it as kind of like a, hey, if you're ever in my city, kind of hit me up kind of thing. And we'll connect and we'll get back, you know, we'll just, we'll just hang out. We'll spend time together if we got it. You know what I mean? And so I got invited to a bachelor party last month

and you know down in Miami and I was like hey I'm going to be down there you know I'm going to be in your city I'd love to see you get together and she kind of hit me up and was like yeah I'll absolutely see you and so we reconnected but you hadn't really been talking in between those two all that much

we had been messaging back and forth a little bit like a couple of texts here and there um you know but nothing like talking every day or anything like that you know but it was always like if i text her she responded and we'd have like a long text exchange or something but it wasn't everything like every single day or anything like that uh we even had a joke like after um our second date like no more first dates like we weren't gonna like go on first dates with anybody else because we just had such a good time. When you were talking in D.C.?

When we were talking in D.C., yeah. She's like, call me if you're ever in Miami. Pretty much. For me, I'm kind of new to dating. I was a relationship guy all through college. I was a relationship guy even through

my professional career as an athlete. Was she the first person that you dated any... Was she the first person you matched with on a dating app? No, she wasn't actually. But it was the first person who I matched with where I was like, okay, wow, this is more than just physical. There's, there's something there. And I hadn't really experienced that a little bit. Like maybe I was, I just

learned this term emotionally available. I'm learning a lot of terms and that was, that was one that I learned. And I felt like, okay, like, I feel like, you know, there could be more here, you know what I mean? And so, and then, um, just kind of, you know, a little background when we were up in, you know, up in DC, like, youC., our COVID restrictions were a lot more strict in the wintertime. So we couldn't really go out dancing. She couldn't really see too much of my personality outside in an environment. But going down to Miami, she got to see me hanging with my friends. She's like, you just got to see me on a dance floor.

Yeah, no doubt. Yeah, no doubt, man. I really got to like, you know, that's how I get them, man. That's how I get them. So I got to really put my moves out. And then she really got to see, you know, you know, I get them, man. I get them. So I got to really put my moves out. And then we really got to see a good side of me. And she even told me, she's like, Oh, you know, like, you know, I adore you. And you know, I don't, I don't know what adore means,

but I definitely felt like that was a positive thing to say. And I even told her straight up, I was like, you know you know, you're the first person I've met that makes me feel like I could maybe, you know, maybe fall in love with someone. I wouldn't really tell her that. I loved it, but it just kind of felt like it was a time where I wanted to tell her that. And so you were, you were dropping hints that you, you dug her for sure. Right. For real. Yeah. And this is in DC. Absolutely.

This is when I went to see her in Miami at the bachelor party. Cause she came out and she even brought like a couple of her girlfriends out to meet my boys. They don't, my friends have never really met me with a woman. Like if it's not too serious, then I don't really invite a woman around. I don't want anybody to get a misconception about anything. But also, even when I go out with my boys, I'm kind of just out with the guys, just chilling.

I don't go see women or anything like that. I'm just kind of like, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's cool too as well. We just have a good time. But that was the first time they were like, oh, Adam, we like her for you. She's dope for you. You don't really be out there like that and which I don't. So I've always kind of been a relationship guy, but I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to be the, be the single guy and be six foot three and,

and enjoy myself a little bit. And I kind of came into my own, you know, dating was a little, you know, it was new for me, but you know, so I was eventually, you know, coming to my own as a man and single man. So what did she say when you were like, Hey, I dig you? Well, I probably could have chosen a different moment, but she was like, why would you say this right now? You know, but she was like, but I, but I, but she laughed, she kind of laughed it off. You know what I mean? And like, we had a good laugh about it.

Well, what did she mean? Did she mean right now because I live in Miami or does she mean like right now? Cause we're right off the club. yeah the second one okay yeah yeah the second well honestly i i who can you know when you feel it you feel it man like yeah no doubt no doubt no doubt i'm sorry i have waited till we were at church like what i gotta exactly you know you know because clearly j Jesus ain't here. But I really, I had a good time and I just felt in a moment,

I'm going to be honest, like I just felt in a moment, man, like let me just, let me just let her know, like I feel this a little bit more and I'm just going to, and I haven't been able to really do that.

I don't really thought I would maybe get there with someone just in this journey. And I even told her like, hey, you know, in the new year, I'm trying to, you know,

move to UK for a little bit, go to a couple of different countries, you know, over new year I'm trying to you know move the UK for a little bit go to a couple different countries you know over the next six to nine months because I have a career change to work remote as well and she even was like hey yeah I actually absolutely come out to see you and spend some time together so it was just even after we reconnected like the first time we were just kind of like having a good time but the second time like i wasn't able i haven't been able to really go on dates anymore and really feel a vibe with anyone like it's like as soon as i go out i'm just kind of like i just feel as his friends i just feel this friends i just feel this friends i don't even know i'm not even interested enough to even get to a romantic

level with a woman i just feel it as a friendship and i and i wonder if it's because in the back of my mind like i just maybe if i'm holding off I just, maybe if I'm holding off, you know, or maybe if I'm holding off for her, even though we don't live in the same city, I know we may not be able to be together right now, but just something in me that can't let me move to the next level. After that night ended or she's like, why do you have to say this now? And you like, or like, uh, like, did you ever pick up that conversation? Like, did you ever, or did you kind of just,

just kind of like forget almost like, Oh, forget it. I just, like, it sounds like you haven't really had that conversation. You haven't really got a clear answer from her. Yeah. I mean, any, anytime I brought that up, even before she left, I was kind of like, Hey, you know, I've never told her like to the extent of probably where my feelings have probably been leaning. And so I think that conversation hasn't continued. It was more so like me just expressing how she felt in the moment. And when she sent me that text back after I got back home,

like, you know, I really adore you and I had such a great time with you. And you know, that's, that's kind of what she said, but it came from a place where she hasn't really talked to me like that before. She said, I adore you. Yeah. I feel like that's not great from hearing that. What do you think, Amanda? I don't know this woman. So it's like, it could be good. I do, it does give me a little bit of like a consolation. Adore, yeah.

Yeah, I think, or it gives me like the sense of a butt, if that makes sense. Like, it feels like a really genuine compliment that she totally means but it feels like the precursor to a butt like I adore you but yeah it's kind of the vibe that I get from it but you never know how people you know women use language differently I think it's really unique that you you fell for a woman who was like listen I'm living in DC for a few months, then I'm going to Miami. That takes an adventurous person to do. And I don't care if

you're a man or a woman, I would suspect the person who wants to live in DC for three months, live in Miami for another three months, and then wherever, is going to be very guarded against limiting their options. You know, like if I'm going to be a free spirit and travel, I want to be able to like not have anything hold me back so that I can be free. And that might be, I say that because I think that type of person, while that's really great that they are focused on embracing the moment, I think sometimes that type of person might be so guarded against limiting their options that they might be resistant to seeing a good thing when they have it. to seeing a good thing when they have it. Brooklinen.

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I think it's possible that the, like we're assuming the, I adore you. You're great. Is like, I really like you, but like, yeah,

whatevs, you know, like, but there was, there was no, but that came after that, I guess for context. Well,

that's what I mean. I, what I mean is that like, I think there's a world where she does and can like you. There's also a chance that she's just told herself, I'm not liking anyone. I've already decided. After Miami, I'm going to Montreal.

I don't fucking know. Or Europe or whatever. I come from a world where obviously people went on a reality TV show and there's a lot of guys who go on this show and they like their instagram pops off and they're just like i'm not i'm not i'm not gonna get a girlfriend like i don't i don't want to walk to the bars for the first time in my life

and have every girl there like give me intention and like not be able to act on it you know so like i you know short of you being the type of guy who's just like it doesn't have a problem having a girlfriend and sheets but like you just you maintain you you keep yourself single so you could be dealing with that where she's just trying to keep her options open i like in a lot of ways you got to love that about that she is she knows what she wants she's going for that's probably a lot of what you find attractive about her that kind of free spirit energy she's fun she's adventurous she's in the moment you're like fuck i just i i just started liking a chick is this like doing things that i wish i had the guts to do like that's sexy to meet somewhere right like you gotta love that so i'm a true

virgo yeah yeah i'm a true virgo and i'm i'm i'm true and true virgo and even so like i think i'm more open to it because i was i told someone that like i wasn't trying to get into a relationship meeting one because I wanted to travel the world too and they were like well you could meet someone to do that with and if I could meet anyone I think I've already met her it would be her like I would be like yeah like we could go on a journey together but I'm not gonna so let me ask you this have you do you think you've really put yourself out there or do you feel like you've kind of like yeah like kind of like floated the idea that you might be interested in hopes that she'd take the bait. Like which one?

I haven't put myself out there. Not yet. Because I feel like I'm at an impasse now where how I'm feeling about, cause I met, I met some really dope women, like on paper, like we get on like a house on fire, you know,

shout out to whatever the UK show is. But, but we didn't like, we didn't, I didn't, I didn't put myself out there just yet. And they come up, be honest only because I think I'm at an impasse where if I do, it's didn't like, we didn't, I didn't, I didn't put myself out there just yet. And like, I'm going to be honest only because I think I'm at an impasse where if I do, it's kind of like, if I don't hear what I want to hear,

am I open to not having that, even that slight opportunity, just to reconnect with her when we do. And, you know, you know, as I said, two ships passing in the night, maybe it's just a fun love story, a fun journey. It's just not. Well, you won't know unless you put yourself out there. I mean, if you don't put yourself out there, all you will have is a bunch of different versions you won't know unless you put yourself out there i mean if you don't put yourself out there all you will have is a bunch of different versions you can think about when you go to bed and dream and then she'll eventually turn into that like do you have a person who's

like the one who got away and then she can be your one who got away but to think about the one who got away is you don't really know if they were worth your time because you just romanticize what could have been like she i don't know if this person is your person. She might be, or she might be a total mess. I don't know. But what's important is what you seem to know for sure is that since you've been divorced, of all the women you have met, she stands alone as someone that you are very much interested in, and you would definitely love to learn more about her. As we all know, especially as we get older, that's harder and harder to find.

We might as well seize that opportunity and you're just going to have to risk being disappointed and you're going to have to risk getting hurt. There's the immediate disappointment of putting yourself out there and calling her up and be like, listen, we fucked around in DC and you moved and I wanted to play it cool because I like to think of myself as a cool guy and I don't want to step on your toes and traveling, but I'll be honest,

I really like you. And honestly, I'm not even sure how you feel about me, but what I do know is that you're worth me feeling humiliated and rejected because I All i'm saying is I want to spend more time with you. I don't want to stop getting to know you I don't want to cramp your style in a different city But i'd like to visit you and keep talking and if you don't want to do that with me, that's cool but what I do know is I would regret it if I didn't just say this and just put myself out there because I don't want to like if I didn't just say this and just put myself out there because I don't want to not get an opportunity to get to know you just because I'm afraid of being rejected

or because I'm too focused on playing it cool. And I think you should say some version of that. And even if she says yes to all this, you could get your heart broken in a year. You guys could date and travel and try to keep those long distance things going. Then at the yearly end, you find out she's kind of a mess. What makes her really exciting and travel and try to keep those long distance things going. And then like a yearly end, you find out she's kind of a mess that like,

you know, what makes her really exciting is also the same thing that makes her impossible to deal with. Like that happens a lot. Right. So. I think you, man, I've definitely, I'm so glad that I, that I called it. I think that's what you should do. Yeah. I hadn't thought about it that way. I appreciate it. You're a good looking guy. I suspect that you're used to being in the driver's seat when it comes to dating or you're doing more turning down than being turned down.

And now you're feeling a little bit more vulnerable because here's a woman in your life that has a little bit more power than you have. And it's like, oh, fuck. And it drives you nuts. And your it's like oh fuck you know and and uh it drives you nuts and like your ego's like i don't like you know what you know what adam you don't like you know what it's fine don't you know at the risk of like you know crying for a month or something i think you'll be fine like you'll feel a little down in the dumps and listen if she does reject you then that doesn't mean you suck. But it is an answer.

And it doesn't mean you won't. It just means whatever. Then you can focus on what you do like about her to get over that. If you got rejected, then you're like, hey, listen, she is great. I got more information than I had before. Maybe it isn't about me like this yeah she is choosing her over me right now and even because if she says listen you're great and i adore you but like i i i want this for myself i i yeah i don't want to deal with i don't i don't want to make you a priority is essentially what she might say and your ego is going to be pissed but like that's what she

wants for herself and that is that is an answer and that's someone and you and you want someone who wants to make you a priority i i think that that's that's true i think i'm in a place where you know you know not to belay belay with the point but i think i'm in a place where like i'm okay like being like hey, I'm feeling you. I'm feeling you. I'm feeling everything that you're bringing to the table. And I haven't felt that before. And I think they say feelings suck or whatever.

But it's refreshing and maybe it's intimidating at the same time because, I mean, you're absolutely right. I have kind of been in the driver's seat. But just as a follow-up, she's supposed to be coming in town at the end of this month slash early next month. Should I wait to make this an in-person conversation or a phone conversation? That's a good question. That's why I asked it. Do you have plans to hang out? I mean,

the rule still stands. Like I'll see you when I come up. I mean, and I've, I've kind of mentioned a few times. It's just, she said she's definitely, I'm scheduling to come up because she still has friends up in the city and,

you know, to come up here. So we definitely have plans to connect. I think maybe if vibes are right first night, you see each other in person. So that way, if it goes well, you have the rest of the weekend to hang out. If it goes weird,

you have maybe a day to take an off day and then maybe have a coffee Sunday to be like, what the fuck happened? I think the real answer is it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, if you just put yourself out there and say in a way that's like, this is how I feel, take it or leave it. And you know, like not, you don't say take it or leave it. But as I always say, like, you know,

I give this advice to women a lot about guys, put yourself out there and do it in a way that shows that you're prepared to be vulnerable, but you'll be fine. If, if you don't get the answer you want. Like, you know what? I like you. I think I'm nuts about you. I think about you a lot. But if that's how you feel, that's okay.

I think the safe bet is to not bring it up now. And because like, you know, she's coming to town so clearly you're going to make yourself available like hey I'd love to see you let's hang out so and then if she flakes on you you already have an answer there it's like she's never done that too as well so she's always been

conscientious in general her time I'm not saying she would I'm just looking you know you're just like that is an opportunity to get information if she were to flake I'm not looking, you know, you're just like, that is an opportunity to get information if she were to flake. I'm not trying to scare you. But assuming, you know, you guys hang out, you do your thing, you have some fun together, like as the weekend

or the time's about to end, you're just like, all right, and not at a club, one-on-one, like, you know, and see what she says. I definitely appreciate that, says. And, and, and, and if she's, if she,

if she politely declines, as I say to everyone, just some version of thank you. Anyways, I'm sorry. You feel that way. And then shut it down. You got to shut it down.

You can't, you never, you do not give her access to the goods you gotta say goodbye and if she she the only way she gets to have adam is to to just to say you know what yeah i'm you're right i was a little scared i was more focused on traveling but you know and there's a good chance is almost always the always the case, that will be what... If she is committed to being independent, she is going to be resistant to that. So there is a good chance her gut would tell her to say,

no, you told yourself you're going to not date. You're going to tell yourself you're not going to get too attached. So don't be too defeated if that happens. But as long as you let her know that you'll be okay and you had the guts to be honest with her, she could come around. I appreciate that. I, you know, I would like to put myself out there and I think it's maybe time and it's the first time that I've ever really wanted to do that. So Nick,

I truly, truly appreciate that. Yeah. I can be a little scary going through a divorce, put yourself out there again. So. Oh man, it's all good. It was, It's all good. It was a good reason. So I appreciate that. Well, I hope it goes great, man. I'm rooting for you. You're a very charming guy. I think you're going to be fine either way.

Thanks, man. I can see why you just described someone who just on paper would sound very intoxicating. Yeah, no idea, bro. I feel like, yeah. I'm just going from city to city I'm like

I love you like keep a suitcase packed man so like I said you know like she's right off the bat

being like you're gonna have to chase me like that was she's you know that's definitely new man I've never been

in that position so she's dangerous she is dangerous and she can dance so you know that tells you oh man

so but I appreciate you for the time man I really really do so thank you so much I appreciate it thanks for calling we need some more

fine young gentlemen like Adam I know Adam rocked great energy from Adam yeah it's like you could tell he was hot

yeah did you see what he was hot. Yeah. Did you see what he looked like? I didn't see what he looked like, but obviously. It's gorgeous. Also, he said 6'3", and I was like, okay, game over. He's like every other girl in the world is dying to date Adam. Yeah. And this one chick.

And this one girl. This one. All right. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm Ashley. I'm 24. Thanks for having me. Thanks for calling in, Ashley. How can I help? All right. both knew from the start, but we didn't want to do long distance. But as time's gone on, I've realized that I do really see something more with him. But I didn't talk to him about that. Instead, I just allowed my feelings to fester because I was afraid of losing him. And I think my ego came into play as well of not wanting to be hurt.

So anyways, as I've gotten closer to moving, I've become more insecure about the prospect of him going on other dates, which I mean, he has every right to do. We're not exclusive. But obviously, I don't want him to be going on other dates. So more recently, I thought that he was on a date. And so I was kind of aggravated by this. And I thought, you know restaurant with his buddies, not even on a date. And he saw me on the date. He was not on a date. He was just with his friends. But he went on a date some other time. No, I had no proof that he had gone on another date.

What made you think he was going on a date then? I just, well, because I had asked him what he was doing and he was kind of, so we have a very, we've always been very transparent starting off when we first met about our kind of rosters. And mostly from my side, I was basically like to him, this is my roster. I want to see your roster. I want to see your roster and so he I love how women are picking up like the men nomenclature of because like guys came up with that right can we the roster

yeah anyway I love it anyway sorry go ahead and but so over time we both kind of made it um like progressed on each other's rosters until um like we're basically we've basically been only kind of seeing each other but like i said i kind of got it into my head that i thought he could have been on a date with someone else um and so i went on a date with someone else and I felt terrible about it because I ended up, you know, I don't want to hurt him and I feel, you know, my own insecurity.

What happened when he saw you on the date? So he actually didn't even tell me that he saw me. And I guess my, um, no. Oh, so you found out after the fact, he's like, Hey, by the way, how was that date? I saw you. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Because I texted him afterwards. I was like, oh, how was your date? And he was like, no, no, no. How was your date? And that's when I was discovered. Okay. So I guess my question for you then is what strategies and advice do you have for when you feel insecure, how to act out in more healthy and less toxic ways? And then also too, what do you think I could have done better in this situation?

And moving forward, how can I rectify things, I guess? Well, I mean, your title of your email was, Am I the Toxic One? Which you're the second person to have that title. The first person definitely was not the toxic one. You might be the toxic one. One for two. No!

I mean, I think you're you're recognizing some of this toxic behavior obviously going on a date with someone mostly based on the fact that they're going on a date is toxic

in the sense that it is I guess an ego driven decision right you don't like how much did you even want to go on this date with this person? Would you have gone on this date with-

Not at all. Yeah. It was like, so like you ended up wasting your time forcing yourself to have like a conversation you didn't want to have. You know, you led this person on who you weren't interested in.

For what? To make someone jealous? And like you were, and you wouldn't even know if what, if you wanted to make someone jealous and like you were and you wouldn't even know what if you wanted to make them jealous but you didn't you didn't want to you know so clearly that's a toxic decision okay you you know that i don't think you need me to tell you that but like yeah i think you just need to communicate more i don't know like i know you've been like you've been talking about rosters so like what what do you want from this guy i think you're moving right so like there's you it's it's an ideal situation so you're you're

you're faced with an a not ideal situation of which is your choice. You're choosing to move. And I think that's where your struggle is coming in, is that you know, in some ways, you have no one to blame but yourself. And there's nothing really to blame yourself about. You're choosing to invest in yourself. You're moving. You're going to law school, right? Well, I'm actually, I'm moving for my job, but then I'm actually coming back to this same area for law school. So you're moving for work, right? So you're doing things for yourself. How old are you again now? 24. Only 24. You should be doing these types of things in terms of focusing on these dreams that

if you have dreams, you should focus on your dreams right now. In the meantime, you like a guy, Focus on your dreams right now. In the meantime, you like a guy, which is inconvenient for your dreams. So have you guys discussed the possible, like, and you're in a situation ship, because why? Because you're moving?

Because I'm moving. That's the only reason why. That's the only reason. And have you guys discussed the possibility of, I mean, it's eight months. It's not like, eight months goes fast. Like I've had a bunch of like fuck buddies who lived in different states for eight months. Like also like, yeah, you could see,

you could like eight months. You could visit each other once a month. And you're moving to California. What an exciting place to visit for him. so like have you discussed the possibility of dating i think i've been afraid to because and because i i'm afraid that he'll say that he doesn't that's not what he wants or what he sees i think you, and like you said... I mean, you have no problem going on dates. I mean, you've already been in awkward situations.

I mean, I don't... Yeah. Right now, you're going to... Right now, you're not going to date him by not saying anything. I know. So, you might be able to date him if you do say something

if you don't say anything we already know what's going to happen nothing but your biggest fear of saying something is nothing happening but is it too late

though since I'm moving so soon what do you mean too late for what yeah you still you've been talking and hanging out right late though since I'm moving so soon. What do you mean? Too late for what? Yeah. You've been talking and hanging out, right? Yes. Why would it be so weird to say,

listen, I first off want to apologize again for going on a date with that person. I handle it in a toxic way because I thought you were going on a date. That bugged me.

And instead of just either dealing with it or just communicating that with you, I handled that poorly. And again, I'm sorry. But also, it made me realize that I really like you. And I don't know how you feel about me, but I am only going to be gone for eight months. And I know long distance isn't ideal.

No one ever chooses it. But the good news is I'm not staying out there. And I like you enough that I want to go out of my way and deal with the inconvenience of a long distance relationship and prioritize visiting you and FaceTiming you. And like eight months goes by pretty quick, but you're the best. Like if one thing I learned about that date is that like, I really think you're great and I want to keep finding out how great you might be. So what do you say?

And he can say, no thanks. Or he can say, yeah, I'm willing to try. You also could be like, sure, I'll try. And then you could say, all right, fair enough. I think I'll take try, but promise me this one thing. If you decide that you don't want to do it, just be honest with me. Don't meet someone else,

fuck them, and then tell me. Let's just be honest. Let's just communicate and let's keep talking. I think you're great and I just don't want to not hang out with you just because I'm taking this job for eight months. And then you just find out what he says. Like, why would that be so weird?

No, you're so right. Cause I think one thing that I really have always valued about our relationship is that kind of like can, um, candor and honesty. So I think I like that. Yeah.

What's so hard about saying this? Yeah. It was like, who are you fucking? And now you're just like, I like you to, I'd like to give up our rosters. Yeah. What's so hard about saying this? Yeah. It was like, who are you fucking? And now you're just like, I'd like you to, I'd like to give up our rosters. I know it's inconvenient,

but like, it's only eight months. You're so right. Do you think it complicates things though? The fact that, so slightly before he met, he's,

he's, he recently got out of a five-year relationship. So like, and that's something that he's still processing. So I think... Great. You know what?

Perfect for a long-distance relationship is going to force you guys to slow things down. It's going to force you guys to not see each other all the time. A big mistake early couples make when they're excited and going through the honeymoon phase is not give each other some space. So they just hang out every day because it's like well i don't know like i i just want to see you so let's just see each other and then they kind of lose themselves

and like and don't give each other oxygen but you wouldn't even have that choice because you'd be living across the country so you'd have to prioritize seeing each other once or twice a month you know and you'd have to force each other to FaceTime and talk and text. And as I always say, you might like them, but you still have a lot to learn about each other. And now you have eight months to continue to get to know each other. You can focus on your job for eight months. You can focus on getting to know you while making sure he's done and not going around. What an ideal time. You're right. It kind of is an ideal situation in that way sure i mean he might not agree but like i don't think it's crazy to ask

and i think it's either way you guys still have a lot to get to know about each other and this would be a great opportunity to get to know someone all while forcing each other to slow things down and not get too carried away and You might change your mind. He might change his mind. But you're considering ending something by just assuming you can't make this thing work,

which you totally can. It's not like you're moving for four years. You're moving for eight months. That's what I would do if I were you. You're right. I'm going to do it. All right. Godspeed. Good luck.

Who knows? Thank you so much. To get married. I want all the credit. Yes. I'll invite you to the wedding. I'll be there. All right.

All right. Take care. How's it going? It's going good. I'm Sarah. I'm 24. Hi, Sarah. How can it going? It's going good. I'm Sarah. I'm 24. Hi, Sarah. How can I help? So I recently went on a first date. Everything leading up to it was perfect. Easy conversation. He was a great communicator. Fairly quick to set up our date.

We got drinks. Everything was going well. No awkward moments. Felt like kind of already knew him and definitely a spark, which is exciting, especially compared to all the self-centered guys I've been dating recently. It's not a big company, so I wouldn't work directly with, I mean, it is a big company, so I would not work directly with them, but still interesting facts. So everything was going great. My friends were at the next bar over and he was all game to meet it up with them. So we start drinking more at the next place. Like us three girls were fine. He seemed to be getting noticeably drunker than us um even though he assured us he wasn't and that people from the midwest can out drink anyone um he wasn't making him fool himself or anything but it was one of those things where we're like

well you're not driving home so after recording and after he was recording me doing karaoke which i initially thought was cute he started revealing all of his cards. Mind you, it's like 1.30 a.m. at this point. So he told me he actually knew where I worked before he even asked. He researched me with his mom, who was visiting that past weekend, and sent all of his friends my picture. There was a ton of red flags,

him saying his mom doesn't think anyone's good enough for her son. When I asked what she thought of me, thought of me telling me how his best friend is going to be like the hardest of his friends and family to win over as if I need to win over everyone in his life. Is this our first date?

First date. Okay. But it felt like we kind of had known each other. I'm not a big texter. Like we hadn't texted back and forth a ton. Like definitely not the get to know you way. I was kind of like, you can either schedule a date or like I'm kind of not interested um and the way he was telling me all this was not in like

a flattering way like oh when you you like met all the expectations and blah blah blah it was almost like he found something on me that he didn't like or him and his mom were researching me and I was kind of like oh did she like me and he was kind of not giving me a like clear answer she hadn't met you yet yeah which is weird because I have like a clean record on the internet I I think so then I got really curious because if there is something incriminating about me on the internet I'd like to know um and like when I pressed him on it he wouldn't really give me a straight answer answer and was like extremely hard to read so it was weird he was really open telling me how much he

researched me and told everyone but then acted really like coy and ambiguous when i was trying to make like light of a weird situation um he was really drunk he's totally drunk right now i mean he's convinced he's not drunk but we're all like like we took his keys and he thought he left them at the last bar but i like had them in my pocket um and like some of my friends think he's like a super stalker concerned for my safety some friends think it's flattering especially because like i do want a guy that's really into me and i haven't seen this guy since you have some friends who think that situation's flattering like oh my god i wish somebody got drunk and like internet stalked me i would say flattering i think more flattering that he did his research ahead of time and was like really invested in me already like even prior

to the first date he's also new to the city doesn't have much going on i guess yeah i don't i don't yeah i want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Um, right. But the way you're describing it, it just sounds pretty fucking weird. I know. And that's the vibe.

The thing was how great it started out. And it kind of reminds me, I know you talk a lot about sex. 25. This is an adult man who is internet stalking with mama. Right. And then also his mom doesn't think anyone's good enough for her son, which was another red flag.

I was like, Oh, did she think I'm great? Cause I'm, I mean, I don't know why you find me on the internet. I guess I'm less concerned about, I mean, I think that might be a weird thing.

Sometimes people say why he said it. I don't know. Is it true? Maybe, maybe not it i don't know is it true maybe maybe not i don't know be like oh my mom loves me no one's gonna know for me that could have been a really weird way for him to like brag about himself right like you know that's the thing is it felt like it switched like i felt like the one night he was really into me and then he started revealing all of this and not in a way that's like I was kind of like oh do your parents like me no did I meet up to the expectations kind of trying to make light of it and he was very like yeah I kind of know like exactly the kind of person you are like so condescending I'm like you were the one he sounds that was i mean so really what i'm more curious about and listen i thank you for calling in and sharing this entertaining story but what i'm curious about

my question to you is why are we having this conversation and why are you not just like that was fucking weird i'm moving on so the reason i called in it's less about the guy so i actually haven't seen this guy since i don't really know what how to make up my mind so i haven't i'm not that set on it and he hasn't pursued anything strongly also a bunch of other red flags yeah i feel like i guess he sucks yeah my question more is in the digital age that we're in now i know we all stalk, especially girls, but I don't usually reveal to what extent, obviously, when I'm dating someone,

even someone I've dated for years. So what do you think the line of stalking versus flattering is? Well, I think it's just that, right? Like, yeah, we live in a time where it's really easy to just google someone first last name see what comes up and uh you know maybe we have an expert in someday who knows this stuff but like short of you being a public figure of some kind or a criminal with a track record

which he was he has a track record which is funny well. He has a track record, which is funny. I didn't look him up, but he told me that. That's not surprising. That's probably why he does it, right? He's just kind of projecting there. But short of that, most people, it's not easy to find stuff. And things aren't easy to find

probably because there's not... We all are humans. What are you going to find? I got's not like we all like are humans like what is what are you gonna find i got a parking ticket once i had a weird fight with my boyfriend one time and like i mooned someone i don't know like you know we all like do like you know what time i went to a party and got drunk and peed in the front lawn you could say i don't know what you've done you know i don't i didn't really Google even like, you know, like that's what made me so curious. If I meet someone on a dating app,

right. Uh, like when Natalie slatted in my DMS, I'm sure I Googled her day and I didn't find much. And like, okay. I didn't also didn't expect to find much. I certainly didn't like pay for some sort of service and hire a PI do some sort of deep dive,

like with people I don't know and for me being slightly in the public eye I'm a little cautious and I'm careful about making sure people are who they say they are and things like that from a catfish standpoint and I think that's something we all

have to, if we meet someone digitally like, you know facetime zoom dates things like that to kind of qualify people uh other than that i think it's i think it's a really weird thing to do piqued my interest so much is that he almost acts like he found something which is weird because i'm like what could you possibly find other than my linkedin my private instagram and I think it was just a power trip on his, I think he was trying to like make you feel small and make himself feel big. Most likely. I think he was trying to put you on the defensive and, and get you. Yeah. I think he was trying to get you on the defensive.

Yeah. I couldn't tell if he was just drunk or if he was, um, like not answering because of like you know you know your past right like what's the worst that could happen what's the worst thing you could find where I work like I mean even he found my like travel Instagram that I tag in my private Instagram on my bio and he did one of the hikes the week before we were texting that I posted. He's new to town that I posted. And now looking back, I mean, he asked me where I worked, knowing where I work.

I'm just thinking it's kind of funny to look back and think of all the things he told me. I'm like, did he get that idea from my Instagram page? Maybe, you know, that is the world we live in where, you know, you see someone who like went hiking and you're like oh that looks fun and maybe it's a girl or a guy someone's paying attention to because they have a crush on them yeah it is a far lie

between getting two in the weeds and weird about that but women in dating it's I think women have to be extra safe and you know when you're meeting strange men so like a quick google sure I think women have to be extra safe when you're meeting strange men. So a quick Google, sure. But do you need to hire a PI to be like,

all right, I lined up a date. First, do a background check. I don't know. That might... Yeah. I thought I saw his... He drives a truck. And I saw two trucks outside my house yesterday.

And I was like, oh my god, is that his car? Now he lives close to me. I'm like, is outside my house yesterday and I was like oh my god is that his car now I'm like he lives close to me I'm like he's stalking me still like I wonder how he like he reached out after we left that night and was like hopefully I passed the test which was interesting it seemed like he was kind of testing me and he's like would love to take you out again if not thanks for showing me the spot and I responded in the I was like, I take this text as you got home okay. Cause I'm still unclear if he went back to his car, which we Ubered away from, but he seemed very adamant on getting to,

which is another terrible red flag. And I was like, it was fun, like struggling today or whatever. And we kind of had a little back and forth about the new Adele song or something. And I didn't respond. He has not reached out again. And I'm not going to reach out.

Like I would only, but you weirdly, weirdly want them to. No, I was just more, I'm more, I'm more curious if that's something he normally does, or if that was a special case or if he remembers or like,

I mean, none of that. Why are you curious about that? Cause it was very out of left field like i just wonder if he thought that was like a move or something that would i would pay attention to why you're curious about that i mean like i mean he's not like a science project like you're not doing a case study on like men and dating so like there's a reason why you're curious i think i'm more curious about the reaction from people around me

like some people are like that's really creepy stalker some people are like well you're telling the story yeah showing a sign that he's interested but you're also fielding people's opinions and i'm curious as to why you know it's just not obvious to you that and maybe he's not a bad guy maybe he had not a bad guy. Maybe he had a bad day. I don't, I don't fucking know, but there are some details that like are, are weird.

And so short of him calling you up or reaching out and saying, Hey, about the other night, first off, I had a little too much to drink. That was inappropriate for me to do in the first date. Like I'm sorry. Two, did I say some weird shit?

And I want to acknowledge that. And if you're willing to give me a second chance, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. Short of that, I just don't know, like, you know, why you're giving so much grace to some strange guy on a first date who like tried to belittle you and was condescending to you and made you feel like you might have committed a crime you didn't commit you know like why did you like let a guy make you feel that way and like i mean you didn't do something wrong in the moment but why did you like let a guy make it feel that way and like you didn't do something wrong in the

moment but why are you why are you willing to still like give him energy i'm just it's like i would focus on that before you worry about like should i hire a like an investigator and you know like he is giving you information he's giving you information about him right it's definitely not as top of mind as it was right after the date. I think I was more just mind boggled. My friends were there with me when it happened because we met up with him. So I was kind of like, I just am more amazed at all the crazy, crazy dating things that happened to me.

I was going to say earlier, it reminds me of, I was saying, you always talk about sex in the city. And I was like, my dating life is like, from the start, it's like, Oh, this is so great. This is such a great guy. I wonder what could possibly go wrong. And it goes wrong in the most like deal breaker way. I'm not trying to like take away you feeling special, but it's not just you.

Like it's everyone. You know, we're all going through this. Men and women have their unique stories of challenges in terms of meeting strange people. Cause that's what you're doing, and try to connect romantically with things like sex and relationship on the line.

And that's why it becomes a challenge. But I think it's something... I'm not convinced that had he reached out to you in the days to follow and just simply said, love to see you again, that you wouldn't say yes out of sheer curiosity without ever acknowledging any of his actions or how he treated you or what he said to you or the drinking. I'm not convinced you wouldn't have gone. Maybe in a way to prove like some, well,

that's something. Yeah. And that's your problem. Right. So I want to prove them wrong, but whatever, whatever the reason is, you're sitting here saying,

Hey Nick. And you know, again, I appreciate the story and I appreciate you calling it. And it is really entertaining and thank you. But if there's a takeaway here is like you know you're like oh I have these unique oh my god I get myself in these craziest yeah you get yourself in these crazy situations because you're not paying attention and you're you're you're not or you're paying attention but you're not doing anything with the information you're given you know not not not what you should be doing you're paying attention, but you're not doing anything

with the information you're given. Not what you should be doing. You're like, I don't know. Let's see what else we could find. Whether it's a need for drama or whatever, you are pursuing these dramatic situations. You're not pursuing good conversations and healthy communication.

And you're following up. You're like, oh, red flags, red flags. Well, let's see what the red flags have to say. It started with good communication and a really nice name, but it did turn with less, which did leave more question marks. I'm all for giving people

a second chance and second and third dates, even if you don't feel the spark on the first couple of dates. But when someone shows up and gives you a bunch of red flags on date one, I wouldn't be so compelled to give them a second shot. And again, if they want to call up and recognize you're not their mom or their friend or their therapist, so it's not your job to let them know how shitty they were on the first date. You just, it's your job to just move on. Yeah. I mean, I haven't reached out. I don't really plan to. I know it's not about reaching out, but it's if, had he called, didn't acknowledge the drinking, didn't acknowledge his behavior and just said, let's go out again, I'm certain you would have said yes.

I would have called you. Either way. But I would say, if you want to improve your dating situations, I think you need to look into that. I need your need to follow up on drama and not listen to the red flags and not move on and give more oxygen space to healthy conversations and healthy communications, even if it's not exciting and not waste energy talking about some guy who displayed a bunch of drama and a bunch of red flags and wonder why, you know, and convince yourself, oh, I'm not really interested, but he hasn't called, so I don't care anyways. Blah, blah, blah.

The more you do that, the more you will set yourself up for meeting... It depends on what you want. If you're just like, I just want to date and fuck around and have a bunch of drama, then this is a great way to continue that. Honestly, you're only 24, so if that's what you want, no judgment. Have a ball. You'll have some great stories. Whenever it is, you want to 24. So if that's what you want, no judgment. Have a ball. You'll have some great stories.

But whenever it is, you want to settle down and find a potentially healthy partner that might happen in a week or in five years. Not doing what you're doing right now would be the way to go about it. Not doing what I'm doing in terms of spending energy. You're chasing drama. Yeah. You're investing in drama and you're investing in red flags.

And this is your energy. This is where your energy is going. And I'm guessing this is not a one-off situation. I'm guessing this is the norm for you. It's not a one-off situation. Yeah. But I always feel like I'm acting normal and then they do something crazy,

but then it probably does pique my interest. Your crazy is how you respond to their crazy. Yeah. Which is different every time, I guess. Yeah. You are attracted to this crazy drama or these toxic behaviors or these red flags and you're just like, ooh, whoa. You're fun. Yeah, that's probably true. I don't know what it is about you. You seem like trouble. behaviors or these red flags and you're just like, Ooh, Whoa. Fun. Yeah. That's probably true. Like, I don't know what it is about you.

You seem like trouble. Like, like, yeah. This guy honestly less than others, but I, the, the sentiment is spot on. All right. Well, Godspeed. All right. Well, thanks. The choice is yours. Uh, thank you for calling thank you all right take care how's it going hi my name is marina and i'm 26 hi marina how can i help i'm calling in because i've not been on speaking terms with my older sister and my mom since about january i don't want to paint either either in a bad light because ultimately I want to make amends with them,

but I'll share a little bit of my experiences. So my sister and I have always been on, like we've always had a tumultuous relationship growing up. She always teased me and treated me slightly different and worse than my other siblings. And while we had grown closer during quarantine, because she had a baby and she would ask me to help and babysit, and I was unemployed at the time,

that closeness became undone due to a few instances that happened during Christmas time and it turned our relationship a little sour. And with my mom, we had a complicated relationship a while back since she had cheated on my dad when I was 18. And I took that really personally. And it took me four years to come to terms with the situation. And I didn't even speak to her with a few of those four years. And I guess this sprouted some trust issues with her. And I guess this sprouted some trust issues with her. And so where my mom comes in, the situation with my sister is I received a gift during Christmas from my sister that I didn't particularly like. I expressed my feelings about the gifts to my mom and a few other siblings just to vent about it.

Are you able to share what the gift was? Yeah, they were self-help books. vent about it. Are you able to share what the gift was? Yeah. They were self-help books. And given our relationship, it was like a little uncalled for. So I asked my mom what's her advice of what I should do,

whether I should bring it up. And my mom and everyone else, they said just don't say anything, just drop it, just process it and like, just let it pass. And that's exactly what I did. But my mom told my sister anyway about how I felt. And after that, my sister basically dumped me out of her life. As a result, I haven't talked with her or spent time with my nephew since January. So she's not talking to you? Right.

My sister's not talking to me. Okay. Interesting. And is your mom also not talking to you or are you not talking to your mom? It's a weird triangle. I'm, I'm not really talking to my mom because of how this, how everything unfolded. My sister's not talking to me.

And why do you know why your sister's not talking to you? Like, because she didn't like your gift. That's the only reason why I could, that I could like, that I could pinpoint it. But I mean, I never said anything to could pinpoint it but I mean I never said anything to her about the gift like I never to this day I've never mentioned to her even in person through passing like nothing but she's still mad at me for I guess my reaction that I didn't even

express to her which is a little frustrating. And it's weird. She's very hard to navigate. She's kind of... I mean, it's super weird for someone to... Like, I give you someone a gift, and you find out you don't like it, and then they completely cut you out. That's aggressive.

Yeah, and again, I don't want to paint her in a bad light, but it does seem... I think she's sort of taken it to an extent that it doesn't need to be. And, well, she's told my siblings too that she's done with me. Like, I didn't think that she had taken it to such a... How many people do you have in your family? So there's four siblings, four of us.

Where do you fall along i'm number three she's number one and we have my brother and then my little sister um i get along with them just fine just to like clarify like nothing i don't think anything's wrong with me you're getting no judgment here family's fucking weird like yeah. Like, yeah. So, yeah. And so I first noticed that she wasn't talking to me when my nephew's first birthday came around because she didn't invite me to the birthday party. And it was pretty obvious that she didn't. And I thought,

okay, let me just let her process whatever it is that she's processing over this gift. Like, I don't care about this anymore, but it is that she's processing over this gift like I don't care about this gift anymore but it just it seems that she took it personally that I didn't like it but anyway so throughout the year I've just like been keeping myself busy and distracting myself uh found work and things have been well otherwise but it just kind of comes around whenever we get together because she just is so evidently cold around me. And I had even asked my sister, my little sister, is she still feeling, you know, some aggression or anger towards me? And she, my little sister had said, well,

she's sort of told me that she's done with you so I don't know what that means and I'm like I can't believe it's taken you know it's gone to this level where it doesn't need to be what is it what is are you aware of a history that like did you wrong her where like you were in the past or something or like, no, I mean, like I said, she, she and I have always throughout childhood had a very tumultuous type of

relationship. Just two different people. We always, yeah, just very two different people just clash heads. And, um, I will note that a few days before I received this gift,

uh, for Christmas, um, a few days before, uh, we had Christmas, a few days before, we had, you know, another little instance where out of nowhere, she sent me a picture of me and my ex-boyfriend that I didn't really appreciate. It was kind of out of nowhere and sort of like trying to get under my skin. And I told her like, look, I didn't appreciate this. Can you not do this? And she would, at the same time,

my dad was in the same room as me and she, this is over text. And my dad saw my reaction and how upset I was like, I can't believe she would do this. This is just so unnecessary. And he went in turn, like went to text her, say, Hey, like, stop, this is is not cool you don't know what she's been through over text me and my sister she just said this is why dad hates me and like you're making this about you when you should have like just not said that in the first place you could apologize

at any time now and um she just reacted very coldly she like bro this is why you're alone like I'm the only unpartnered one in my family and just took it you know to like too far and this was a few days before um she gave me this gift and so we were already on sort of rocky terms and I feel like that just sort of compounded the situation and so yeah to I mean I guess at the end of this today like I don't know how to approach making amends with her because I try to make small gestures like sending her texts here and there but I don't I don't want to like annoy her or overstep some boundary that she's defined on her own so that and I'm not sure if I should expect,

if it's wasting energy for me to expect a sort of apology from my mom for sort of contributing to this. Well, I mean, you know your mom, obviously, much better than I do. Yeah, I'll just give my very unprofessional two cents when it comes to family stuff. Yeah, family's fucking

weird and you know like i i come i have 10 siblings it's amazing how different we all are you know like we're like we come from the same parents and different interests different lifestyles different political views in the family it And we're a relatively close family. We are. We're all close. But there's always fucking weird tension, different drama and whatever. It's family.

And so I'm just a big believer. And given that acknowledgement, we choose our friends, right? We don't get to choose our families. So on some level, like, you know, when friends can come and go, and as we get to know people and people evolve, we realize that we sometimes have to break up with friends as much as like even romantic partners. Cause it's like sometimes you just separate or sometimes you realize, ah, they're just making choices that are just making me feel less than, and I'm sad to see that go, et cetera, et cetera. But family, you know, it's not the same. You know, it's family. And certainly there are extreme cases where we have to remove ourselves

from toxic environments, regardless of them being family. It's just not safe for us to be a part of that, right? And then there's like stuff like this, where it's just not safe for us to be a part of that right and then there's like stuff like this where it's just like family fucking drama and i just think we should try as much as we can to do our part and so it sounds like you have control like you know the triangle your sister's not talking to you you're not talking to your mom. All right, fine. So you have control over the part with your mom in the sense that as we get into adults, we also learn about our parents and who they are as people, which is also like a weird thing. You know, whatever age we realize it's like, oh, like, like mom and dad are like, they're great. And I love them. And they're kind of where my heroes,

but like mom's petty, you know, like stuff like that, right? Or mom likes drama. Our dad likes that. We all learn about this shit, right? And then it's kind of like, fuck man. Like, and so I think we have to adjust, right? Your mom, a bit of a gossip. Yes. Right? Likes drama, right? Yeah. She's still your mom a bit of a gossip yes right likes drama right yeah she's still your mom so you're right like now you can see them as adults and they're not just mom can do no wrong

it's i love my mom she's my mom i need to have a relationship with my mom but i need to like have boundaries with my mom now you know in the future have boundaries with my mom. Now, you know, in the future, not to go to mom about things that are bothering you because we don't trust mom not to fucking gossip. Would it be nice to get an apology from mom? Sure. But like, she's your mom. And sometimes parents have a way of being like, I brought you to this world kind of thing. like I brought you to this world kind of thing. But like, if you can set aside your pride and your frustration with mom, I just think you'll be in a healthier place

to just forgive her for her faults and who she is. It sounds like your mom's not your closest confidant anyways. So, you know, like you didn't lose that already, right? But like, you should be able to talk to your mom, you know, and have a relationship. And you don't have to go right back to where you were, but like, just open the lines of communication. I just feel like you will feel better knowing that. Like, for someone who like values family on any level i'm not talking to my

mom is just a weird position to be in yeah so like you know you could still have boundaries you can still realize that baby you know this is i don't share this with mom or i do but like i would if you're comfortable with it i just think generally opening up those lines of communication is a has more positive than negatives as it comes to like how you feel about the situation. Cause it sounds like it's weighing on you a little bit. I think I agree with that. And I, you know, talk with therapists and she says, it's good for me to set boundaries of in the third family.

And I agree with that wholeheartedly. I think it's, I think it's just more of an issue for me because I know that my sister and my mom are super close and I feel like in a way my mom has prioritized my sister's feelings over mine by not like owning up to that situation and it kind of you know continues this cycle of like yeah like not being mindful of how her actions have affected those around her you know i get it but i guess i mean would it be fair to say that your sister feels that your father prioritizes your feelings over hers yeah that's that's fair so i just feel like that all might be true.

And my guess is there might be some truth to that. And there might be some projection, even in my family. There's a lot of opinions and who gets more attention and who's the favorite and who gets lit off the hook and blah, blah, blah. And we all have very different opinions on that, right? I think you just got to try to let that part go and honestly if you want to get back into your sister's life you could take advantage of this

if your mom and sister communicate you know just and and if it's if you're the one who's choosing not to talk to your mom just open up the line of communication and again like have boundaries you know like mom's not the person we're going to with secrets. But like hang out, you know, have a talk, talk to your mom about her life. Sounds like your mom's pretty into talking about herself sometimes. So let mom talk about herself. At least you have a relationship with mom, right? That might open up the door for your, because right now, the fact that you're not talking to your mom is emboldening your sister not to talk to you. You guys are taking sides.

Yeah. You know? And so I think the greater good and, you know, whatever ego you have in this situation, I think you should challenge yourself to try to remove that ego. Because even if it's not the relationship you want, the perfect relationship, I think it's just nice to have a relationship with your family. And I think as we get older, we learn about the boundaries we need to set with the various family members that we have, brothers, sisters, parents. And we realize this is the healthiest type of relationship I can have with this individual. And you know what?

That's okay. But what I am glad is that I can still say, I love you. I fucking hate you sometimes, but I do love you. In fact, I hate you most of the time. In fact, hanging out with you is difficult, but I love you.

And if you need me, I'm there for you. So, you know. Yeah, I guess I'm just hoping, I'm falsely hoping that I could go back to the type of relationship I had with my sister because we had grown so close during the pandemic because I was babysitting so much. You probably can someday.

Because we had grown so close during the pandemic because I was babysitting so much. You probably can someday. Yeah. And she had another baby this past summer. And I haven't had any time to bond with that baby. And it's just, you know, it's like the situation as a whole makes me sad because it's like... Have you texted your sister, I love you, I miss you? No. Okay.

She's not the type of person to like, I don't know. It doesn't matter if she doesn't respond to it. But if that's how you feel, how could that be a bad thing to communicate? You're not doing it. You're just letting her know. And she might come around six months from now or 12 months from now or whatever I'm not saying it's gonna like fix it I'm not like hey text this and she'll call you I'm just saying there's animosity that's going on and with the divide and the lack of

communication we're all creating our own narratives in our head and you know your mom and your sister thick of thieves you're not talking to her. They're bonding. And then you have this, your dad and your mom who aren't together anymore. And there was infidelity and their sides were taken there. And I'm willing to bet that your mom likes the bond that she has with your sister because you were mad at your mom. These are all very human reactions.

And so I just think you texting something like, I just wanted to say I love you and I miss you and I hope I'm thinking about you. I hope we can reconnect in the future. It's just letting her know that that's where you stand. It's just how could you be mad at someone? I don't know what your sister's immediate reaction is going to be, and it could be a million different things,

but it diffuses the situation. It's like, okay, well, you're not asking anything from her? I mean, other than you're just letting her know that you would be down to connect, and you're setting aside your ego. You're not trying to be right. You're not at, you know,

and she's probably has plenty of raw, you know what I'm saying? Like you, you have your frustration and rightfully so you have your frustrations. What's what she did. It wasn't like, here's this, like,

here's a book. I really did. She like when your sister gave this book, I'm curious. It was she like, I read this book. It was really impactful in my life. I thought I would share it with you. Or it was like, I think you should read this.

Pretty much a second. It was like wraps up in a bag and here you go. what's bigger a priority for you? Having a relationship of some kind with your sister so that you could also have a relationship with your nieces and nephew and maybe not have the relationship you prefer to have, but at least have a relationship at the risk of letting go the fact that your sister annoyed you and offended you. Because like, I agree that would piss me off, but like, does it impact you? You know what I'm saying? Is your sister's opinion of you really matter to you that much?

I mean, I would like for my sister to like me and to want to reach out to me. I would like for all my siblings to like me as much as some of the ones who like me the most, but that's just not the case. They don't. And if I'm really honest with myself, all my siblings' opinions of me,

of my choices on a day-to-day basis don't really matter. They don't. We all love each other. There's a love there. My family is close enough that I can confidently say that we all love each other. And at times we've been really angry at each other. And at times there were people who weren't really speaking all that much you know and so

i just think try to have some something and i think with family something's better than nothing you know and trying to like that's where your pride or ego might come into play of trying to force the relationship you want with her on your terms. Because, like, you could, if, you know, we always talk about boundaries in a relationship. You got to set boundaries and then you have to enforce boundaries. And if they don't respect your boundaries, you have to, like, remove yourself. I think with family, like, a lot of your boundaries are for yourself of How do I engage with this family member? Because they do X, Y, and Z. But expecting things from your family member can often lead to a lot of disappointment.

Because they're family and we feel like, well, I can't fire you. I can't break up with you. So family disappoints us all the time. We disappoint each other. And most of it because we don't choose family.

You know, but we have this like such these high expectations of family and they easily disappoint us. So, I don't know. If I were you,

and again, this is just my humble like personal opinion, I would send some sort of olive branch. Because if talking, having some line of communication with your sister and her children sounds like to me, it's more important than getting her to see your side

when it comes to the Christmas gift. And now going forward, you can expect your sister to be a shitty gift giver and whatever she gives you, you can be like, just fucking pretend to like it. I hope that's helpful. No, that is super helpful. I didn't even know where to start with her. I've been trying for months now and it wasn't getting there. I would send a text and saying something of the effect i love you miss you and and and you have to mentally prepare yourself to not expect

anything in return not expect a response you're doing it just to let her know that big picture wise you love and miss her because that is true and you have to give her the time and space to come around on her terms because you're probably never going to like your sister you just want to be able to love her right and that's okay yeah thank you so much for that advice is really what i need to hear all right all right well best of luck i'm rooting for you guys and and trust me, I totally relate. I really, really do. Thank you so much, Nick. All right. Take care.

Bye-bye. Can't thank our callers enough for writing in and sharing their stories. Make sure to write in your stories at asknickatcastme.com. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for our Bachelorette recap. And on Wednesday, Michelle Young herself joins us on The Vow Files.

Have a great day.