The Viall Files - E352 Ask Nick - You Deserve a Great Orgasm

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Today on Ask Nick we continue to dive into the wild world of situationships. We start with our first caller who struggles when she feels that her boyfriend is putting his cats above her. After getting allergy shots to make it work, she asks if this might just be highlighting larger compatibility issues. Our next caller asks for help after being stuck in the middle of a sticky situation when at a party, a husband cheats on their wife with one of the caller’s friends. Now this entire friend group struggles with what to do after witnessing infidelity at this event. Our next caller deals with an extreme long distance relationship that, once physically together, has no chemical spark in the bedroom. Now the caller has to navigate between emotional and physical attraction and determine what they need. Our last caller deals with a hot summer fling that fizzled out. Now, they’re deciding between attempting to put together the pieces or just move on.  “Am I loved the way I want to be loved?” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Wondery: Follow “Harsh Reality: The Story of Miriam Rivera” on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or you can listen early and ad free by joining Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondery App.  Theragun: Go to http://www.Therabody.com/VIALL to try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199 GoMacro: Stock up on MacroBars by going to http://www.GoMacro.com and using promo code VIALL for 30% off plus free shipping on all orders over $50! Ten Thousand: Go to http://www.TenThousand.cc and enter code VIALL to receive 15% off your purchase.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Volifiles Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. Are we still calling you the social syndicate? Or are you guys just like, what are you? What are you guys? I feel like we're individuals now. Yeah.

We've surpassed the title. I thought about that the other day. I was like we're individuals now yeah we've surpassed the title I thought about that the other day I was like lmao we used to be the social syndicate uh how are you ladies doing how was your holiday it was good I feel like we both had good thanksgivings different but good we're chit-chatting a bit yeah yeah well I went to Natalie's family's thanksgiving and so it was it's like it's Thanksgiving. And so it's her extended family. So it's all her dad's side of the family. And she has this adorably cute old grandparents that are still together and whatever.

Really, really lovely family. So everyone kind of makes food for this potluck style Thanksgiving, right? And so Natalie volunteered me to make meatballs. The infamous meatballs. When it comes to cooking, I'm really good at cooking 10 things.

Do a few things well. I'm good at cooking meatballs. I like meatballs. They're good. Natalie volunteered me for the meatballs. So I'm like, okay. A lot of work, but happy to do.

So Thanksgiving morning, Natalie got all the ingredients and we got an Airbnb. Whatever. I made meatballs. And so I was making meatballs all morning. I make the sauce from scratch. It's a process. It's a process.

It's four pounds worth of meat. Because it's like, I don't know how many people were there. I think like 30, 40, 30, 20, I don't know. It's a big group. And so I make the meatballs and I bring them. And I was meeting everyone. The few handful of people in our family I had already met. So I have a bit of rapport.

So I was like, hey, you gotta try my meatballs. You know, like I made a couple comments about like the fact that I made the meatballs, but it wasn't like I was like- Pushing them. Making a big deal. Just like, I was just making conversation. Can you imagine if you were making Thanksgiving

all about your meatballs? I definitely didn't do that. Like I definitely mentioned I brought the meatballs to like just a couple people that I knew. I was like, oh yeah, you'll have to let me know what you think. So dinner rolls around and I go up and I don't like mix. First of all, I'm also, when it comes to Thanksgiving food,

I'm just not like a huge fan of. Just, I'm not. Okay. Are we talking just like feel neutrally to bad about everything or actively dislike? No, it's like, if I had it my way, like, like I'm just not like nothing about Thanksgiving, the traditional things that are served. I'm not a fan of any of them, including Turkey. That's surprising. As a man who consumes no less than five turkey sandwiches a week. Yeah. As a sandwich. It's a little bit surprising, but I hear you. As a sandwich, it's fine. But like, I'm just not like. I feel like the sides are way better than the actual turkey. A lot of people think that way, but I don't like stuffing. I don't like cranberry. Like Natalie made a green bean casserole. No thanks. I'm just not a huge fan. Mashed

potatoes? Yeah, I like mashed potatoes, but whatever. So here we have this dilemma. I make all these meatballs and so I went for the meatballs first. I know my meatballs are good. I like my meatballs. So I made the meatballs and I didn't want to mix like spaghetti sauce and meatballs with all the other fixings that naturally seem to go together. Like Thanksgiving. It's like one of these things is not like the other. Yeah. So like I got my, like I got, I got like three or four meatballs and I ate my meatballs. Like I didn't put any thought into it. And then Natalie's like, Oh, did you, you didn't, you just got your meatballs. And I'm like, yeah, no, I'm going to try like some other stuff. Her, her brother-in-law fried some turkey.

Really amazing. I had tons of turkey. I went and got turkey next. But at this point, I'm kind of full because I've had my meatballs. And then I also realized that of my meatballs, another wrinkle is that not a lot of people are eating my meatballs, which is totally fine because they did the opposite of what I did. It's just like, it's Thanksgiving, man. I'm going to, I'm going to eat my turkey.

Yeah, you do the turkey, the cranberry sauce. All that. And they're like, I don't know if I like, I like meatballs, but I don't want to, there's no place for this meatball here. Sure. And I feel like a lot of people just opted not for the meatball. Yeah. So I end up eating only meatballs and turkey.

So Nick is never invited back to Natalie's family's Thanksgiving. And then the next day there was another gathering because her cousin got engaged and had this nice little engagement party. And then there was a couple people in her family who made some meatball comments to me. More about the fact you brought them or the fact you ate them in place of other stuff? I couldn't really tell. And I go to Natalie, I go,

I think there's people making fun of me behind my back about my meatballs in your family. It's like, I think my anxiety is right this time. And she goes, they are. And I go, why? She's's like because you only ate your meatballs and I'm like well first of all not true second of all so what you know like and so my question is is that should I have you know because she was like my she's like my her her grandma's like the sweetest it's just a sweet older lady and she was like you know you know i think i don't know if her grandma made the stuffing i don't remember what her made but she's like you know my grandma wanted to know what you thought of the stuffing i'm like well i fucking want to know what grandma thought of my meatballs i didn't say that actually but but like you know i'm the guest I'm new to the, I'm new to the family, so to speak,

is there a sense of protocol or obligation that I try everyone's food they brought at the risk, you know, or was it rude of me to primarily eat my meatballs and not try the green bean casserole and the stuffing and the cranberry sauce and like, I don't know, the fruit marshmallow salad or I don't know all the stuff that was brought. I feel like it's a little bit like that is high maintenance by definition in terms of like high maintenance. I feel like it's thrown around so much, but like, I feel like this is a scenario where you're being a little bit high maintenance in the sense of you're bringing a dish that you make wonderfully, but that is not necessarily an accompaniment to the traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

I think it's important to clarify. I was volunteered to make the meatballs. I didn't eat like, I wasn't like, can I please bring my meatballs? Because it's the only thing I like. Natalie's like, you're making meatballs. I'm like, okay. Well, I feel like, okay, here's the thing.

Also, no one ate my meatballs. Because they're not Thanksgiving food. Yeah, I didn't. It wasn't my idea. Okay, but you don't have, my two cents would be, you don't need to eat the fruit and the marshmallow thing. Like there are certain Thanksgiving things. No one expects you to like all of it.

I think you should have made a plate with most of it. A bunch of things I don't want to eat. Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I don't think people should be forced to plate with most of it. A bunch of things I don't want to eat. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I don't think people should be forced to eat things they don't enjoy eating. And you can feel that way in 10 years. But for now, eat up. I think it's a symbolism.

Yeah. Eat up, Nicholas. But looking back, if you'd maybe thrown two more sides on the turkey plate, so that way you could genuinely say that you love them. Or had sat down originally with the turkey and not just like four meatballs rolling around. Again, I get the optics. That's what we're talking about though.

It's all about optics. It's your first Thanksgiving there. Did Natalie, because I think the real question is like how did Natalie feel about this? Because I think... She was aware of the fact that I... Did she feel, do you think it added a consideration for her or something else for her to have to...

In no way was she like bridezilla or in a sense, you meet my family and in no way was she helicopter girlfriend making sure I was doing all the right things to win favor with all her family members. Not at all. But I think there was a level of like, I know my family is going to notice this.

And I don't want them making fun of you for only eating your meatballs. So the solution to this problem would be to me eat stuffing. Yes. Even though I hate stuffing. Because I think also there's a level of she knows you and obviously loves you, but doesn't want you to give off... And Amanda and I were talking about this too.

Her family obviously doesn't know you. So you not eating the meal for you, it's like, well, I'm just not going to eat what I don't want to eat. But it could come off as like, I'm too good for this. Like, they don't know you to back up what you did and take your side. I'm playing the long game though. I am comfortable with them judging me for that. No, I'm comfortable with some judgment on their part.

I'm confident that I left an overall good impression with the family. And grandma loves me. If I were aware upfront about the possible thing, I absolutely would have gotten, I would have pretended to eat the stuffing. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, had I been aware of the optics about like, oh shit, like everyone's going to be paying attention to what I eat, which like, I'm sorry. I didn't, that didn't cross my mind. Um, I really didn't think like no one would

give a shit. Like, but if I were aware, yes, of course I would have done that. Totally. But I didn't. And I'm just like, so now you're here being like, am I going to get villainized for this thing? This is an anecdotal story. I'm not like really worried about this, but I'm just curious. This can't be this. I think we should do an Instagram poll. Like I think there's going to be an Instagram poll up when this episode drops and we can let the people speak.

This is going to come down to picky eaters and not picky eaters. It's going to come down to. I'm a big believer in customizing. Like I will go ham with making things the way I want to eat it. I also really agree that you shouldn't have to do things you way I want to eat it. I also really agree that you shouldn't have to do things you don't want to do. I'm someone who, if my friend wants to go to

get different food than me, I'll be like, we can both get takeout and then eat together. I'm a big believer in that. I just think this scenario, the context of being at your partner's place, I feel like you just kind of err on the side of being accommodating and easy and going with the flow. I don't know. Curious what people think. I guess maybe I'm the asshole, but I'm an imperfect person. In the face of adversity and the fight for survival against cancer,

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enter code V-I-A-L-L to receive 15% off your purchase. That is 10,000.cc and enter code V-I-A-L-L. Well, we have a great episode for you, regardless of whatever you think about our meatball I wonder if by being honest with like some of my relationship struggles people are like I don't know if I can take this guy's advice

I believe everything you say but like in what world do you think you're right about the meatballs it's entirely possible anyway i hope you still stick with us uh we have a great episode for you don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with the k we have a great week lined up for you the very entertaining wild and funny hello teffy is with us uh you probably know her from tiktok instagram uh fuck we just what a oh my word wildly fun episode she brought the big guns she was lovely she kissed me on the way out and then she was like oh god i'm so sorry that's what i do to my friends and i was like we are

friends i also feel like you guys were like in like this wonderful podcast like it felt like a fencing match in a very positive way in the sense i feel like you were both kind of like challenging each other and getting really good shit yeah good yeah be sure to check it out um let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hey nick i'm, I'm Caitlin and I'm 31. How can I help Caitlin? All right. So I'll give a little bit of backstory about my current relationship situation. But before I start, let me just say I'm an avid ethnic listener. So I kind of have a gut feeling about what your response is going to be here. Let's find out. Yeah. Tell your friends. Yeah. I appreciate listening. Yeah. And you

know, I've gone to therapy about it and it's just kind of gotten to a point where I'm like, I need a buy all verdict on this, you know, need to talk to you to make this decision. So let's see what we can do. Yeah. So about two years ago, met my boyfriend now online. So we started dating exclusively a couple months after we were dating. Your current boyfriend you met two years ago online. Yes. Okay, great. Yeah.

So we've been together for officially just under two years, but it's, you know, been talking and dating for two years now. And so, you know, when we met, things are going well. We clicked a lot. I would say he meets a lot of like the top qualities that I want in a partner. Which are? are going well we clicked a lot i would say he meets a lot of like the top qualities that i want in a partner which are aligned um well one thing that's really important to me is um just being like aligned as far as future plans you know having a passion for your career and having

um the same kind of political views as me too and just being like a generally good person you know especially now with all the the covid stuff you know being on the same page with vaccines and all that is important to me and um and i don't we have some of the same hobbies and just yeah we clicked so he has a lot of the top top uh characteristics that i'm looking for but one main okay go ahead sorry okay no go ahead okay so the main problem that we're having that's starting to trickle down into other things is the fact that he has two cats and I'm allergic to them. So that sounds like it could be a big deal breaker for someone talking about a future together and trying to live together and have a life together if one person has an animal

that the other is allergic to, right? So I'm sure, yeah, you're probably thinking like that might be a big deal breaker. But I'd say like about six months into our relationship, we started talking about what we wanted for the future together and how we could make it work. And he actually suggested that I start getting immunotherapy or allergy shots so that I could manage myotherapy or allergy shots, um, so that I could manage my allergy symptoms when I'm over at his house.

Um, sorry, do you have any, any thoughts yet? Um, no, just tell your story. Okay.

So, okay. So he suggested that and then even offered to pay for like any out of pocket expenses. So, you know, that's that at least he did that. Yeah, so that's good, right?

But now, so I started the allergy shots actually earlier this year and they've helped manage my symptoms a lot, not 100%, but now the main issue is not necessarily the allergies. It's kind of like how he treats me versus the cats and our importance. So I'll be over at his house. Describe, yeah. Yeah important so i'll be over at describe yeah yeah

so i'll be over at his house we'll literally be like cuddling on the couch and one of his cats will come up get in his lap like be right in my face and the other one will come up to like maybe like they literally like perch on his shoulders they're like they're super bonded to him he's had them for almost 10 years and i'll'll say, Hey, you know, I am starting to feel a little sniffly. Can we maybe put the cats on like one of their seven cat trees? Cause he has like, he's like trees and perches. How long do cats live?

Alec, can you look that up for me? They can be like 20 years. 20 years? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. So, so yeah. So it's a long time all right and so anyway so you know i'll say hey i'm starting to feel a little bad and he'll say could you just scooch to the other end of the couch maybe and like let them like not disturb them and i'm like well first of all that's

like two feet second of all like why do i have to move when i'm here only for a limited time um i've never been able to spend the night at his place. Like he always has to sleep over at my house because he lets them in the bed. And it's just like a big kind of source of contention here where we're trying to figure out boundaries for me to feel comfortable, but him also to, you know, be able to appreciate his cats and for someone,

you know, he's had them for, for 10 years and you know wants to prioritize them but anyway so um i mean i could name other examples too where he's kind of like prioritize them or like even for himself like his cats will jump into like his desk chair when he's working if he gets out of it during the day and it's like a nice ergonomic chair and he'll get up and they'll go in it he'll be like i'm just gonna work off like a folding ergonomic chair and he'll get up and they'll go in it. And he'll be like, I'm just going to work off like a folding chair now. So I don't disturb them.

It's intense. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So now a few weeks ago, we were talking about actually now looking at places to move in together and trying to make sure we're aligned there. And, you know, there's just been a lot of contention about well like where are we going to let them go in the house where are we not going to let them go like i need my space

and i suggested that we go to couples counseling to talk through that and yeah um well just you know i feel like moving in together too is like i mean you've talked about it's a big transition it's a big step like you don't want to just do it just to save money or because you should do it um or any other reason but with all that trying to work through that transition and then especially with this being a big hurdle with living together i suggested that we go to counseling and he was not very open to it he said oh that seems like a big issue if we have to go already to counseling and we're not even engaged or married um which like twofold that made me feel like ashamed of suggesting that and second it really turned me off because i'm like that i'm like i'm trying to take the the car in for a tune-up before the

engine explodes on the side of the road like i don't want to wait till we're like you know wait until we're engaged or married and having these problems. And then it's not fixable. So he eventually agreed. But he's like, well, if you find someone, I'll go with you. And it just really upset me because it's, you know, I make the effort to go get like literal toxins injected into my body to be able to be around his cat. And he won't even willingly make the effort to go to counseling with me. Could you ask him like, what if his cat wanted to get therapy?

No, I didn't ask that. Should I? I mean, the way you're describing it. Yeah. I always find it funny when people will be reluctant to get therapy for fear that if they get therapy, that will somehow make whatever problem the relationship is having real. And that's clearly not the case. All it really does is signal to one or both people

that they are not willing to do whatever it takes to fix a problem in a relationship. Like, going to therapy doesn't make a problem real. It just shows that you're willing to address it you're willing to deal with anything that comes your way right and in any relationship what we know to be certain in any relationship is that problems happen you can't avoid problems some problems require just basic consideration and empathy and other problems are significant that you need a therapist or an intermediate, I don't know, someone to help. Yeah, a mediator. A mediator or whatever.

So yeah, so he needs to understand that, but I want to backtrack a little bit. I asked you, you're like, oh, are we aligned? And I like a lot of things about him. And I was like, oh, are we aligned? I like a lot of things about him. And I was like, what do you like about him? And you said, we have similar political views and we both want to get married someday. Yeah. Did I sum that up correctly? Well, and just character it.

It's funny because it's kind of our downfall, but it's also what i like about him is the fact that he is so caring towards the animals you know like that's important to me we're both vegetarians like i don't know so just like certain like core beliefs sure and i know it's possible to find that in other people but i'd love you to gush for me about characteristics that he has about how he makes you feel. Theragun, oh my God, I was traveling and boy, did my neck hurt. And well, moments later, I was fine because I brought my Theragun with me. It was amazing. I brought it to Savannah. It was the life of the party. Everyone's like, can I use that? I was like, sure. I mean, I really made a great first impression with Natalie's extended family because I brought it to Savannah. It was the life of the party. Everyone's like, can I use that? I was like, sure. I mean, I really made a great first impression with Natalie's extended family because I. Try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199.

Go to therabody.com slash V-I-A-L right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's therabody.com slash V-I-A-L, therabody.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Yeah, well, yeah, I do like that he is a caring and compassionate person you know we can have fun together do you feel his do you feel his compassion and caring on a regular basis towards you you know what honestly if I'm being truthful with myself no and and I you know and we've also had other discussions where I feel like my love language is words of affirmation. And I haven't, well, I've had to express to him that like, you know, I would like him to be more vocal about it. And I've even said, can you tell me that I'm as important to you as your cats are?

And he's like, well, you're important to me, but he's never said you're as important. And so, you know, if I'm being honest with myself, myself no like I don't feel as important and so yeah I think that's like a bigger problem underneath the size of the cat it's always funny how you're not the only one you're like oh what do you like about your boyfriend or girlfriend and people always give me like

you know they're not a criminal yeah you know these yeah're not a criminal. Yeah. Yeah. You know, these lows. Yeah. It's just like,

I mean, I know like the political landscape has become incredibly toxic. I get it. But, you know, for all the things that people could choose to, all the reasons people could choose to be with each other versus not be with each other. And then, granted, we have oversimplified what it means to say be a Republican or be a Democrat. And we've oversimplified why people vote and what it means if you vote for a certain party. But the reality is people vote for so many different reasons that

are personal, often economic. Most most people don't have the ability or feel like they have the ability to vote a certain way off of like, you know, social beliefs or whatever. They're just like, you know, right or wrong or whether their perception is right or wrong. They feel like it's based off a necessity or fear or whatever.

And yet we so quickly dismiss, like we never talk about reasons in a relationship for how they make us feel. Yeah. How they treat us on a daily basis. How, you know, their willingness to, like how safe we feel in a relationship. But I don't mean like he's going to beat up a bad guy

if we're like walking down a straight dark street but like feel safe in the sense that like i feel safe that this my partner cares about my feelings over anyone else's maybe but theirs and even even even above theirs this ability that i my feelings are protected you know and yet you know and so i would be like oh well you know and again you're what you're describing when i ask you like oh what do you like about him doesn't really go past like what you said to your friends on the third date you know you're like oh i met a really nice guy and you're like oh they're like oh what do you like about him like oh you know, you know what? You know, he,

he voted, he didn't vote for Trump or something, you know, like, again, I, whatever, like,

I'm not, whatever your beliefs are, we all recognize that he's divisive. You pegged me. Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah,

like you need more than that, right? Especially you're talking about moving in, in marriage. I mean, like, listen, it's,

it's all jokes. It's, it's, it's an intense thing for this guy to be obsessed with cats to the point where he likes animals that's that's great i mean interestingly enough like if you would have called it a year ago i probably would a little harsher i am obsessed with jeff my dog i have a tattoo of jeff on my arm yeah i'm a dog person too that's the other thing regardless but, but Natalie will joke. I have this...

I was all worried about... Because I have allergies too towards dogs. Jeff is not hyperallergenic. But I was nervous because my whole life I've always wanted a dog, but through allergies I've become emotionally distant to animals

because I'm allergic. You know, it's like, oh, you know, I don't want to get attached to Mr. Itchy. And so I really wanted a dog. So I got Jeff and I was nervous about how I would bond. Turns out we're best friends. Like I truly love Jeff and we're close and Jeff loves me and we cuddle. And Natalie will joke about the attention I give to Jeff

and it's all like a joke but I definitely don't, she doesn't have to compete. If she ever were to feel that way, Jeff has to know his boundaries. You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes he just needs to learn to not eat shit or whatever. I don't know. Right, yeah. But the point is, you're describing a rather intense

situation. I mean, listen, the shots, I wouldn't expect anyone to get shots. Yeah. That's a lot to inject your body

with that on a regular basis good for him that he absorbed that cost but it sounds like he is lacking empathy on what he's asking of you other than recognizing there's a financial burden of you getting shots

in these types of situations I think it's always good to consider what this type of behavior and how they handle this situation and what that might mean for future situations.

Yeah, and that's what I think. If I'm basing it off of how he makes me feel, like you said, a lot of the times it's not good and I think I do need to pay more attention to that and my gut feeling of not feeling important. important you guys want kids does he want kids no so that's another thing we're we both don't want kids so oh you both don't so you're on the same page there okay yeah he's just into cats yeah yeah but yeah so where I was kind of at now like where I wanted your

opinion and it's like clear where, you know, you're leading, but just wondering if it's worth trying to go to counseling together, like obviously not moving in together until we've gone through counseling and potentially work through this, or if I should just stop investing any more effort in time and break away from this. Cause it's clear, like you said, it's going to come up time and again. And if he's showing me his lack of empathy now

what's it going to be like in the future I mean it'd be a little harsh for me to say you should definitely break up with this guy but I think it's you always hear me say it's nothing wrong with considering like it's always good to consider I think you just have to think long and hard about

and be honest with yourself about how you feel in the relationship how he makes you feel and if you're willing to go to therapy go to therapy but like you know when you go to therapy therapy might not fix the solution for therapy you might make things clear about where you stand in this relationship but you can only do 100% of your half. Therapy is not going to make him want to do 100% of his. But it might make him recognize that he's not doing it and therefore he might.

So if you haven't done therapy and he's willing to go and you want to make this relationship work, there's nothing wrong with trying. You have my permission to break up with them if like you know if you're like if you're like wondering if you should and maybe you think you're being a little i don't think you're being hasty yeah at all okay and yeah that's like to me it it sounds almost so trivial but it is a big deal because it breaks that you know like how the way you're describing it's not trivial yeah yeah but i mean on the surface level it's like oh i'm gonna break up with him because he has cat but yeah when you like when you dive into how like further he treats me

and compared to them it definitely isn't trivial so i think i'm getting to my point you know where i'm kind of like at my breaking point you know know? Yeah. It's like, I shouldn't want to be your cat. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like I'm just so, it's ridiculous that I am envious of the affection your cats get. Cats.

Yeah. Cats aren't even like known as like animals that necessarily require a lot of like attention. Right. Yeah. They're usually pretty independent. Cats love language is like, leave me alone. Yeah, exactly. And yet Kat's love language is leave me alone.

Yeah, exactly. He's just trying to... I don't know. It's a little wild. But I would just say if you want to make this work and you want to level with them, just be like, yeah.

Not only do I want you to go to therapy, part of the problem I have right now is you don't seem to grasp how I feel. You don't seem to even want to empathize. It's always nice in a relationship to be like, I'm having a hard time agreeing with you, but I do understand why you're frustrated because I guess if I put myself in your shoes,

I wish we could find a solution but the fact that he is you know listen he's willing to stand while his cat's in I don't understand disrupting cats I know just poke them and they'll run off because they're so jokey

I don't know but yeah I think i just need to have a i and i'm in regular therapy myself you know and i actually had a therapy session this morning and kind of what did your therapist say um yeah she what she said i just need to really do some inner reflecting and actually funnily enough in our session today she asked me if i watched the bachelor and i was like i like, I'm going on a... No, I didn't tell her that actually. But she was just talking about trying to be... She was saying

on that show, people are forced to be more vulnerable in a short amount of time and just, I don't know, encouraging me to be more decisive and honest with myself about what I want and how I'm feeling in the moment and not drag it out. That was kind of how she... I get and empathize where you're coming from because there's a part of you that likes this person. You don't want to complain. You're like, am I going to break up with my

boyfriend because of his cats? That's nuts. It's not about the cats. It's about his lack of willingness to empathize with you and his willingness to just be so cavalier what he's asking and expecting of you for the sake of his cats.

And if that's what he prioritizes, then you're basically, you have to say, if I marry this guy, I'm never going to be a top priority. Right. Yeah. I need to know if I can manage that expectation. And I do appreciate like talking to you too.

It just like makes me feel validated. Like you said, it sounds nuts, but, um, I appreciate you making me feel validated in my, in my feelings and frustrations. So like,

it's weird. Is he selfish? You probably would. He probably doesn't come across as selfish, but I think when frustrations. So like, it's weird. Is he selfish? You probably would. He probably doesn't come across as selfish, but I think when you peel back the layers, he is. Yeah. I,

I could, yeah. I'm like thinking of scenarios where I can, I can see those kind of selfish qualities, you know? We all can be selfish. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you're okay to seriously consider whether this relationship is what actually makes you happy. Yeah. And yeah, am I loved the way I want to be loved? I think it's a question we should ask ourselves that we often don't. We always get people calling me like, I'm happy, but... Yeah, it's the but where you've got to relate. And it's always like, I don't know,

there's like a fear of being honest with yourself that when you get to this point, you know, and I just need to be a little bit more honest with myself and be more... Is this what I hope for myself when I thought about how I would be loved for the rest of my life? Yeah, it's not.

There you go. Yeah, I think there's my answer. But if he might, he could change. No one's going to ever love you perfectly, but it's always nice to have someone give a shit when you say, hey, I'm just feeling a little, I don't know, like not important. If he ever wants to call it, I'd love to get his point of view on this. Okay.

Well, yeah, I could think about it. I don't know that he would be willing to. How old is this guy? So he's 29. He's two years younger than me. So I do know that he, like his last relationship before me too also ended mostly because of frustrations around his behavior with the cats sounds like a so it sounds like a pattern you know i have an issue i don't know what kind of attachment style that's

about yeah i yeah i don't know it seems like anxious attachment to his animals who knows but yeah yeah that's a yeah not a problem to ignore right okay well i really appreciate the validation and appreciate your help no problem all right best of luck how's it going hey um i'm bet Beth and I'm 33. How can I help Beth? So I've got this situation with two of my friends. Backstory, we all used to be like really tight. We would have girls nights, we'd have a group chat, all of that. And then over the last year or so, my two friends have kind of become distant with each other, but I'm still close with each one of them individually. So we're all still friends, but they're not as close as I am with

each one of them, if that makes sense. And then recently, a few weeks ago, there was a Halloween party. So my friend threw this Halloween party with her husband and her friend was visiting from out of town. So she was staying with them as well. And so me and my husband went, a few other couples went, and then my other friend did not go because she didn't have a babysitter. So her husband went. And then around 1130, me and my husband decided we wanted to go ahead and leave. And so all the other couples decided to go too. And the only person that stayed was my friend's husband that was there by himself. So he stayed there with my friend who was hosting the party and her friend that was from out of town. And we got a phone call probably around 1.30 in the morning saying that it was from the husband who was hosting the party, him and his wife.

It was from the husband who was hosting the party, him and his wife. He's friends with my husband, and he was basically really upset because he said that his wife witnessed her friend and my friend's husband kissing. And he got really upset with them. So the two girls decided to leave the house, and they wanted to go to a hotel. Hold on. I want to make sure we understand who's who. I know. It's confusing. So you have these two girlfriends?

Yes. Let's give them fake names. Fake names. Okay. So I have two friends. We got Tiffany and Kelly. And those are my two friends, Tiffany and Kelly. Okay?

Okay. So Tiffany's throwing the party. All right. And her friend from out of state is visiting her. Some random friends, Tiffany and Kelly. Okay. Okay. So Tiffany's throwing the party. All right. And her friend from out of state is visiting her. Some random, not Tiffany or Kelly, some random girl. Correct. Yes. And Kelly is not there.

She's at home. Her husband's there. Kelly's husband showed up. Yes. And Kelly and Tiffany used to be close, but like have grown apart. Correct. Yes. And Kelly's husband used to be close, but have grown apart. Correct. Yes. And Kelly's husband kissed this random girl.

Yes. Gotcha. Okay. So Tiffany and Kelly's husband and Tiffany's friend all went to a hotel together. And at that point... Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. They got caught kissing. And then they decided it would be a good idea for me to go to a hotel. They wanted to escalate. Like, we got caught, but like, you know what? You're right.

Super rude of us to like fuck on your couch. Let's do the responsible and nice thing and we'll get a hotel. Correct. Wild. Wild. Okay. Because they claimed that you know, her husband,

he was yelling at him and he was mad. So like, well, we got to get out of here. And he was like, well, I'll give you a ride to the hotel. So at this point... Wait, what? Which part? The husband who was upset of catching the cheaters... Got mad at them and asked them to leave.

Yes. But he offered to drop them off at a hotel? No. The husband that kissed her offered to take them to a hotel. The cheating guy. Oh, so they got in his car and they drove to a hotel. Yes, yes, yes. Gotcha.

So at this point, I'm overhearing the conversation from my husband. And so I call my friend. She's at home with her kids. She doesn't know what her husband's doing. If it were me, I would want to know. So I called her, I let her know what was going on. And so she's like, okay, well, I need to call him. So apparently she called her husband while he was at the hotel. They had like a two hour conversation and he told her that he wasn't ready to come home yet. And so at this point, I go to bed because it's like 3am. And then the next morning,

I talked to my, not the friend who got cheated on, but my friend who went to the hotel with her friend. And all three of them were at that hotel all night. Wait, wait, hold on. Now I'm a little confused. The friend who got cheated on, who else is at the hotel? My other friend who witnessed them kissing on the couch. The guy friend? Kelly's the one who's

at the house by herself right um tiffany's the one who hosted the party she's my friend tiffany witnessed her friend and the other guy kissing yep and she went with them to the hotel why did she go because her husband was mad at her and she didn't want to leave her friend by herself okay yeah i know but what were they planning on doing i don't know so they weren't necessarily fucking they were just kissing but then they did more at the hotel was tiffany watching did it turn into a threesome i don't know i don't think it was a threesome but yes she saw them do other things and she stayed and it's like what a chaperone yeah well that's the thing so that's what's caused the script between my friendship just

because i think she was wrong for staying i think she should have either left or asked him to leave because that's her you know her friend's husband making out with some other girl. But she told me that she just didn't care enough about the friendship. And they were two adults who could make their own decisions. And it's not their fault. I hate people like Tiffany. Yeah. And so I'm trying to be supportive of my friend that got cheated on because now she's been betrayed by her husband and her friend. But my other friend, Tiffany, she's always been really good to me. She's never done that to me. And I asked her, I was like, well, if that was my husband, would you have stepped in and said something? And she's like, well, yeah, you're different. And I was like, well, but that doesn't make it right.

Until you're not. But that doesn't make it right. Until you're not. Yeah. So that's kind of where I'm at now. And she's kind of become distant with me for whatever reason. I don't know why. And Tiffany's husband and your husband are friends.

Yes. What do they say? What does your husband say? I mean, my husband doesn't really want me hanging around with her anymore. Fuck yeah. He's not too happy with how she acted about it. And she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. You know, because she wasn't the one doing the cheating. And she doesn't think she needed to step in.

It wasn't her place. Why did she need to go? How old are these people? Tiffany is 26. And my other friend is 31 how old was the the husband who cheated on her how old was the random girl who showed up

I think her friend was around the same age so 26 probably 25 I just feel like it was a very immature thing she called me Tiffany called me when she got to the hotel freaking out she's like I don't know what to do and I was like you need to go home. She's like, I don't know what to do. And I was like, you need to go home. And she's like, well, I can't go home.

I was like, well, you need to get yourself out of the situation. What was she worried that would happen? I get like caring for your friend, but did they think, minus him being a cheater, that something like she's choosing to go to a, like she's 26 years old. Like she can go to a hotel with a guy

if she wants to. Exactly. She didn't want a hotel with a guy if she wants to. Exactly. She said she didn't want to leave her friend alone. And her friend in the background is saying, Oh, I'm not trying to break up any relationships. He came on to me, but then they both went and did some more stuff at that hotel after that whole conversation.

Were they on mushrooms or something? Or were they just tired? This sounds like a bunch of people on drugs. They were intoxicated. Not on drugs from what I'm aware. It just seems like a lot of... Yeah. I feel bad

if I hang out with her now because of what she did to my other friend, but she's never done it to me. But like all our kids are friends too. So it makes it awkward. Character matters. Yeah, I agree. And I think Tiffany lacks character. Agreed. It didn't happen to me is not a character statement.

Right. And even if she wasn't that close with my other friend, it still wasn't a good thing to do. What Tiffany told you is that if we ever lose touch for whatever reason, and often people lose touch, it happens as a normal thing in life. If given the opportunity to like, and your husband were to do some shit,

Tiffany told you that there are limits to her willingness to do the right thing, given how she feels at any given moment about you. Yeah. And the worst part is she ended the friendship after that. She blocked her on Facebook. She deleted her number. She friendship after that she blocked her on facebook she deleted her number she just cut all ties with her and said she didn't want to deal with the drama she is the drama yeah i know i told her i'm in the middle and she's like no i'm in the middle and i'm like okay well i think your answer is easy. I would cut out Tiffany.

Really? Okay. What, what's the, what? It's hard for me because she's always been there for me, but like, I know she did something shitty.

So, I don't know. In what way? What has she done for you? We watch, we watch each other's kids. She checks in with me every day. We hang out like almost every day.

So we've been really tight up until this event happened. And then we've kind of distanced ourselves from each other's kids she checks in with me every day we hang out like almost every day so we've been really tight up until this event happened and then we've kind of distanced ourselves from each other so let me tell okay so she's a glorified babysitter and a friend yeah my friend like she helps you not be bored i don't know like yeah no that's true you know like our friendships can be such a variety of different things. And, you know, again, for example, like I live in LA and LA is a tricky sometimes place to have people to hang out with. And sometimes people we hang out with aren't necessarily people we really call friends. When we're younger, those are the same people most of the time. When we get older, our priorities shift. So our priorities become our families and our kids. And sometimes we end up hanging out with the neighbors because they're our neighbors and we both have kids the

same age. And you're like, yeah, they seem all right to hang out with. And in LA, there's people I know who they're all right to hang out with. I don't mind them. But like, I also like, don't think they're like the highest character people. Right? Yeah. And so I don't get all that close,

but like once in a while I'll see them around and there's someone to talk to because I know them and I'm familiar with them. But like, they're not necessarily like, I wouldn't call them friends. Yeah. Yeah. They're just like people I know, you know? And it's like, they're not necessarily like, I wouldn't call them friends. Yeah. Yeah. They're just like people I know,

you know? And it's like, all right, well, I'm definitely, I'm not going to get close to you or trust you or, or, but like,

yeah, you're, you're like someone to like have a conversation with at a party of Howard and you, because like, you know, I know you, or we have mutual friends.

And so like, I don't know, it just sounds like this Tiffany person is like someone who, yeah, like when, when she's not being problematic or, or when she's not forced to make a tough decision, she's all right to have around because like,

maybe she's fun and cool. You have the same kids, you can help each other out. She's interested in like drama and she probably got, but she got, I bet she gossips all the time am I right? I mean not really

I don't think so but who knows I don't know listen it's just I don't know you're talking to someone who like character matters and I'm very critical of people who show their true colors when you know when they you know when things happen and when people you know and uh especially

the fact that this has cost you another friend yeah well i mean she appreciates me telling her and you know we're good and everything my other friends so everything's good with her i was just wanting to see if i'm the old you know my husband thinks the same thing that you know what she did was pretty bad and i just wanted to get a second opinion and you know it's a lot of toxic energy you'd be allowing into your space you know i've already allowed it into my space i have a lot of anxiety um yeah panic attacks over everyone else's drama. It could affect your relationship.

You know, like those things matter. Your husband looks at you, how you handle this situation. Right. And yeah, to me, I would think this would be a real easy decision. Okay. And you could be disappointed that you lost a friend and be sad that like, yeah, she was cool to hang out with. But if I were you, I'd be like,

I would feel good about being like, yeah, no, I don't fuck with that. Okay. I appreciate that. And if she asked, I would just be like, the biggest red flag is that even after it was all said and done and the drugs or alcohol wore off, that she is being so dismissive.

Very, yeah. That's the thing. I consider myself to be an incredibly loyal person. And the people who know me best and the people I'm closest with, if you were to ask them, what is a quality of Nick's and being his friend, they would say loyalty. And despite that, like my loyalty also, like my loyalty to my friends is holding them accountable for being the people I think they are. And so if one of my closest friends did some shit to a stranger, let alone someone else, my loyalty would mean that I would hold them accountable for them being fucking

shitty. And Tiffany is the type of person who says it's really about her. As long as she's not inconvenient she'll hang out with you. As long as she's not upset.

So character doesn't matter so much to Tiffany. Right. And that will eventually affect you more directly as long as it's just a matter of time. She's a time bomb. Yeah.

And I tried to talk to her and tell her how I thought it was wrong, but she just told me she didn't care. So I was like, I don't know what to say to that. That's not your answer. If she has, you mean like character? She, she said, I don't care that she's being, yeah. She's good for her for being, she doesn't care.

Yeah. Ugh, what a rotten. Yikes. Yeah. Karma's a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you. Yeah. Karma's a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you.

Yeah. Best of luck. But yeah, protect yourself, protect your husband, protect your family. That shit matters. It's already affecting you negatively. Yeah, it is. A lot. You don't need that bullshit in your life.

You're right. Thank you. Can't trust someone like Tiffany. No, that's what everybody keeps telling me too. Yeah. I don't think, I choose to believe that Tiffany is not the type of person to listen to this podcast because I think the people who listen to this podcast are of a moral standard that

they would care. People who listen to this podcast have empathy for humans. Tiffany has empathy for herself. Right. Alright. Thanks for calling all right take care thanks I appreciate it bye how's it going

hi my name is Angie and I'm 29 hi Angie how can I help I have a kind of absurd for me to do something like this, but last year I met somebody over the pandemic

online, and we kind of had a long-distance thing. We didn't really meet until, I guess, last month. But you have Matt now. Yeah. He's real. He's real. He's real.

And yeah, we kind of just did video calls and stuff. It became an actual relationship, but we just hadn't met. So we were kind of waiting for restrictions lifted. And then he also, I live in Canada. He lives in Dubai. Okay, that's super long distance. Yeah. It wasn't like it was within like the US or Canada.

So when restrictions lifted, I went over and met him. Everything was great. In Dubai? You flew to Dubai? Yeah. All right. Cool. Everything was great.

It just, when it came to being physical and like the intimacy part, it just wasn't there. For who? For both. Like we weren't feeling it. Okay. And so we were both kind of like confused. Like the first few days were good.

And then by the third or fourth day, we were both kind of like confused like the first few days were good and then by the third or fourth day we were both kind of like okay and then so we came back um didn't really like talk about anything there did you guys hook up or did you not even go that far you did hook up yeah yeah like the whole like the whole time but it was just it was just the first few days we're like okay we're trying to figure it out you're like oh maybe it's awkward or nervous yeah sure yeah yeah um and then yeah and then by the third or fourth day we were both kind of like something's off but we didn't really like address it so yeah what was up like what was what was going on just like either i wasn't feeling it or like he wasn't feeling it okay um like we were attracted

to each other and that part was there and like we wanted to do things but when it came to actual actual doing stuff. It was just Is he from Dubai? Yeah. Like born and raised? No. He's Indian. Okay. He's from India. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I only ask because like, I don't know. I don't know

people who live in Dubai. I know cultures are very different potentially there and what role that plays. I don't know. But this doesn't sound like anything. It just was like a normal, a normal, like, Hey, I don't know. Maybe we're just not vibing each other. Yeah. And like, that was the thing where we were both like, like emotionally, mentally,

like really good. Even now that we talk about it like we still talk um like every other day the thing is so after we came back we talked about it and we're like okay maybe we should just not continue this because this long distance isn't like to work on physically being or working on the physical aspect you kind of have to be together to like make that work i don't know if it's instant or if it's just like sure how are you how experienced is personal question but how experienced are you are both of you sexually pretty good like he's had enough so it's not like your first rodeo no

is that your question what do you do now well yeah because we broke up kind of like after and then but we've still been talking like we're a couple so you met this guy online

and then defined the relationship before ever meeting? Yeah, which is something that I've heard you talk about before in one of your other ones. It's an extraordinary, extreme choice. Yeah.

At least you knew he was real. You were FaceTiming yeah uh why just out of curiosity like why like why why someone in Dubai you haven't met it wasn't supposed to happen like that like I was just literally on an app because it was a pandemic and I was just like oh let's just like talk to people I wasn't looking for a relationship. He wasn't either. We weren't, I've never done long distance. He's never done long distance,

but it was just kind of just happened naturally. Sure. And then what, when you went out there minus the lack of sexual chemistry, did he live up to like who he is as a person in terms of like like oh he's nice just as care like all the reasons you agreed to commit to this relationship with someone you didn't know was that all still enjoyable yeah like everything was perfect it was just that part so i'm like i got really confused because i was like am i like what's more important here um well it's a ironically like i would you know if

you're asking me it's like i don't know physical chemistry is a it's important but fuck, you don't see this guy, so it gets to shit. But I'm assuming that if you were to pursue this, or if you were to continue to pursue this, there have been conversations about the possibility of someone moving? Yeah, it was going to be him. He was going to move? Yeah. Okay. Well, how bad was it?

What did you hate about him? From your point of view, what didn't you like? Just not enough foreplay. I don't know. We just weren't on the same vibe. Maybe he was just too quick. I guess. I don't know it just we just weren't on the same vibe like he like maybe he was just too quick i guess i don't know so he was not a generous lover no gotcha yeah uh so he did climax yeah he did the whole time i never did so what was his complaint about you i don't know I think maybe he just

knew from my face that I wasn't satisfied or I wasn't enjoying it. And so maybe he got a little discouraged. I don't know. And you've continued to talk about it? Openly? Yeah. How honest have you been?

Pretty honest. How specific? Maybe not as specific. What did you tell him? I'm just saying like. Yeah. Like basically I was just like, yeah, like you're,

it's not like the foreplay is not enough kind of. And what do you say? He's like, well, I thought we did enough. And I'm like, no, not enough for me.

Cause yeah. And then, um, yeah. And then he's like, well, if we need to work on that, we need to physically be together. And like I right now with COVID and everything, everything's backed up. So you can't even come here right now. Um, like visa wise. So, and for me to fly out is kind of difficult too with work so yeah i mean

i mean it's just realistically not practical right yeah because like if this guy if the same problem existed and this guy lived down the street, I would just say, hey, listen, it would make sense. I mean, you two wouldn't be the first couple who hooked up and he was a guy. How old is this guy?

He's the same age, 29. Yeah. It would be disappointing, but not shocking, that a 29-year-old guy has not learned about the importance of floor play and being a generous lover and not just getting in there

and a couple pumps and being done. And it wouldn't be shocking when you express yourself if you got a little defensive and discouraged. But none of this is something you couldn't work on. But you're right. You would have to be in the same city to do that. So like,

is this guy like everything else? Just the man of your dreams? Pretty much. Okay, well. I mean, when was the last time you've liked someone as much as him? Minus this. Years ago.

Like, maybe, like, 10 years ago. Are you feeling anxious about meeting other guys? Are you considering other guys? At the moment, no. I'm trying to just heal from what happened because i heal it did yeah it did like it really bothered me that we're like broken up and we didn't try to make it work basically what sounds like you guys are putting in a lot of effort for something that requires an insane amount of effort. Yeah. But I guess my question is,

now that we're not together and he's single, doing his thing and I'm single, but I'm just kind of trying to process what happened, how do I draw a boundary? Because we still talk to each other the same as in we're still together. Yeah. Does he ask you about it if you're dating? We kind of both said

that we're not going to tell each other. Okay. I think that's smart. But I did find out that he was talking to somebody. How? Through Instagram. You were stalking his Instagram?

Afterwards, yeah. And then, yeah, I kind of called him out on it. And then he was like, well, I told you we weren't going to tell each other. You called him out on something that actually, you actually didn't respect the boundary you guys set. Yeah. This was a boundary. You guys were like, hey, listen, this is a weird situation. We're not dating, but we want to keep talking

but to do that we can't sit there and drive each other nuts or also hold each other hostage for also trying to live our lives and then you cross that boundary by stalking his Instagram and then making him feel bad about something he wasn't doing anything

he shouldn't feel bad about something he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't feel bad about. So you have to start respecting your boundaries that you set for not only him, but for yourself. There is that. And what you do going forward, I mean, listen, it's inconvenient. What is your line? What are you willing to do for this?

Yeah, it's super impractical. The fact that your biggest hurdle in your relationship, as you see it now, minus the long distance, is the fact that you have not good sexual chemistry. He's just not good in bed is what it sounds like. Can he get better? Sure. In good news, it sounds like he's open to the possibility

yeah like how did he fight for this like how quick was how easy was it for him to end it from your point of view by the time we came back we were thinking of like talking to maybe

like some type of therapist to see if there is like we can work on it but like it didn't really yeah i don't know if you're like need a therapist at this point like yeah i would start with like hey i like this are you willing to do it you know uh like yeah does it almost did it feel mechanical almost yeah I know this might be who he is

yeah what's so great about this guy other than this like it's just like the understanding and like the emotional connection that we have. Like I don't need to say a lot for him to understand who I am and like what if I'm feeling,

which is hard because like we don't get to see each other's like reactions and stuff. Like, and like over the year and a half, he's been through a lot with me. Like he's kind of been my support through things. So, um,

yeah, I don't know. Like he's, so you find him to be empathetic with your emotions. Yeah. We just have a good understanding of each other. Like we're just emotionally and mentally where we can talk about things honestly open

there's no like judgment we have a lot of love for each other but it's just when it comes to that it kind of fell flat yeah i don't know it's a tough situation because like you the way you describe what you like about them you would think that type of person would like be good or could get better. Yeah. Do you know his sexual history? Not in detail, but I know that he's had quite a few partners.

Okay. Yeah, I don't know. That's... It's just tough. I also think sometimes in these long distance relationships, I'm sure there's some sort of a study about it or something, but I think people are able to connect in ways

because the fact that you talk to him as often as you did and couldn't see him, I think it forces people to focus on certain love languages and communication styles. So the lack of ability to see each other in person, especially early on, forced you guys to really open up and really talk and really connect

because that's all you had. And I think for a lot of people who like doing that, I think talking with someone not in the same city really allows people to connect that way. In fact, and I've experienced that. You're just like, well, fuck, I can't see each other. Because sometimes when you meet someone and you date and you meet on a dating app and you go on a date in your city

and you talk and there's so much sexual tension, you're not really focusing and connecting. Because it's easy to just give in to that physical desires. Yeah. part of what you're feeling for him and the fact that you've shared with him like might be less about how special he is or just the fact that you know that you've really you feel feel a bond with him because you had some of these like long conversations but like practically it just seems like not not gonna work and like you would would want, if I were you, I would want this person to be fighting for me. You know?

Yeah. Because it sounds like without putting you on the spot, he's the problem. Problem in the sense is like, if I were him, I would be like, you know,

I thought a lot about what you said and I think you're amazing and I don't want to lose you. And like, we'll figure this out. I just need to focus on what you like more. What do you like?

Let's talk about what you like. I want to do that. Yeah, who would want to have sex with a robot? I get it. I can do better. You would think he'd want to rise to the challenge. Yeah. And he doesn't sound like he has.

Yeah, not really. So you want him to want to do it, plus then still deal with this very big problem of distance. Distance, yeah. I think it might be just time for you to grieve and let go. Yeah, I had a feeling you'd say that. I'm trying to figure out an angle here, but I'm just not seeing it.

I know. I think you should take solace in the fact that a lot of what you feel for him is inflated a little bit. Does that make sense? I'm not saying it's not real. I'm just saying you could have

these things with someone else. I mean, you're not describing anything to me that can't be found by someone else. Yeah. I mean, unless you can give me an example of, of, you know, like he listened to you and he talked to you. And I know that sometimes can feel like hard to find with a guy, but I, I'm certain that now you know how to replicate that, you know? Yeah. I did learn a lot from it. Like it wasn't my ideal way to be in a relationship or anything, but yeah.

So now when you start dating a guy, like every, that's all beautiful part about like dating and having an end, right? There's clearly things from this relationship you want to find in someone guy, that's the beautiful part about dating and having an end. There's clearly things from this relationship you want to find in someone else. The way you guys talked and connected and how you listened and how you could feel how you felt safe enough to open up

with them. You want that with someone else and you can and will find that with someone else. Maybe not right away. You might have to go on five or six bad dates or ten bad dates with someone before you find it, but you'll find it. Especially because it's a priority for you. And then hopefully the next person

will really be able to blow your mind in bed. Yeah. Yeah, I think it is. And they won't live a 24-hour flight away. That's far. Yeah, it think it is. And they won't live a 24-hour flight away. That's far.

It was crazy how far it was. I don't think talking to him is helping you. I think you should stop that. At least give him a chance to lose his mind and figure out a way to fight.

Okay. Right? Because you are chance to like lose his mind and figure out a way to fight okay right because yeah you are like the fact that your relationship was based off this long distance like now he like he now gets to have what he had with you and date someone else or talk to someone else

and again that's a boundary you have to set for yourself and have to enforce. And so that is like, listen, it sounds like you've done everything you possibly could. Now you got to try to grieve, walk away, don't give in to missing and boredom, and reach out because it's super easy

knowing he'll talk to you and see if he's willing to fight. But more importantly, I think, take some time, get back out there, get on the dating apps and try to replicate some of the emotions and feelings you've found with him and how you guys communicate with someone else.

I'm confident you'll be able to find it. Yeah, I think so too. It's just hard. It's more disappointing than hard, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. That's okay.

Yeah, I feel like you're gonna be okay yeah and is this taking a lot of energy out of you yeah you deserve a good orgasm you know what I'm saying

it just seems like it's true I think you'll be all right thank you all right take care all right all right bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name uh my name is casey i'm 23 years old how can i help casey um so i will just kind of start off by giving you the background story of the question. Um, so it was summer of 2020. I moved back in with my parents, um, at their new house and there ended up being a good looking neighbor across the street. Um,

ended up being a good looking neighbor across the street. Um, we kind of unexpectedly started seeing each other and, um, he treated me so well. He would, um, literally act like he was my boyfriend. Except that, what does that mean? What does that mean? So we would do tons of stuff together. We'd run errands together. We would exercise together. I'd have dinner over there. We'd go golfing. We'd play tennis, beach dates. Were you hooking up? funny part is um i assume if like most guys don't want a relationship that they're looking to hook up and he was um always like i don't want to take advantage of you i want to go really slow with you um and we did absolutely everything at other than actually have. So I would stay overnight there a lot. So you were messing around, but you didn't have sex. Yeah, which is weird because, I don't know,

it was usually, I don't know. He was very respectful and I liked that. How old was this guy? He was 38, actually. Okay, so older than you. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So, basically...

I mean, there's variables you have to consider. He's older, right? He lives next to your parents. I mean, I would be super self-conscious and nervous you know anytime you date someone younger there's variables you have to consider right like does this make sense where are we at in our lives like are we one of the power dynamics at play you know yeah so he lives next to your fucking parents yeah so like short of him being like uh yeah i i would that makes sense why he's like let's take this slow right yeah so i guess i guess like it was about i don't know a month and a half two months until he kind of

seen each other and i kind of brought up the, what are we conversation? And he was basically like, I really like you. I want to keep seeing you, but I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon. And I was like, okay, so why are you? He said it like that? He didn't reference the age difference? No.

It was just like, he's not ready? Yeah. It was like, he's not ready. I've learned now that he's very much of a workaholic. He loves to work. He has two jobs. And he wanted to... I don't't know i think he wanted to be available yeah available but um basically it i ended up ending ending things a little while after because

i couldn't keep in the in-between. I was like, this is getting confusing. Um, you're treating me like I'm your girlfriend, but you won't really commit. Um, and you walked. Yeah. And I basically was like, I, you know, I can't do this. Are you still living with your parents right now? Yeah. You're still neighbors? No, we moved, actually. Oh, okay.

So I ended up getting into a relationship a few months after we ended things. Dated this guy for about nine months. Didn't work out. So this neighbor guy would text me maybe every couple months. Just kind of, it was kind of weird. He would just be kind of checking in. It was almost like he seemed like he wanted an excuse to text me. And he would always say, Oh, maybe we should do this.

Maybe we should do that. Um, and once I was out of my relationship, um, I texted him and said, Hey, like, let me know if you want to hang out sometime.

And, uh, I, I named a time. I was like, Hey, are you free? You said this to him.

What's that? You said maybe we should You said this to him. What's that? You said maybe we should hang out sometime to him. Yeah. Like I, he was previously like texting me, but he would never make any plans. He would never initiate plans. He would just continue to text me.

And so I said, Hey, are you free this Sunday? And he's like, I'm working but I'll look at my schedule to see if I have any availability in the next upcoming week and basically he hasn't he's still been texting me um the past like 10 days and hasn't like initiated anything but if I stop texting him like at one point I just liked his message because

I just really didn't have a response to it and he like texted me again the next day and was like how's your Saturday so I guess my question is why is he putting all this effort into texting me like he'll send me like novels and he'll be like, he'll suggest like maybe we should do this, but he'll never actually make plans, I guess. How much effort do you really think it's taking? I don't know. Like it's definitely more than I've seen anybody else text me,

but it's not a lot of effort texting. I just don't understand why he's putting all this time into trying to keep up communication when he's not. What part of the country do you guys live, just out of curiosity? Are you guys living in a suburb or a big city? We're in Canada. It's a pretty small town. Okay, so guys living in a suburb or a big city? We're in Canada. It's a pretty small town. Okay, so you're in a small town.

Yeah. So context matters. Yeah. I mean, this is a 38-year-old guy who is a workaholic in a small town, which means most of his friends he grew up with are probably settled down and married with kids. Right? Yeah. which means most of his friends he grew up with are probably settled down and married with kids. This guy, when he's not working all the time,

whenever he's not working, he has nothing to do, most likely. It's not like back in the day where all his boys were going out. So it doesn't take really any effort to text you. Think about all the things that you've been willing to do in your life when you were bored. Yeah. You know, uh,

the important thing here for you to consider too, is you're hanging out with him, had a nice time, you know, treating you like his girlfriend doesn't really mean anything. It's not hard to go to dinner with a nice person or go grocery shopping

or run errands and play house. In fact, it's fun to play house, especially when someone just goes with the motions. But good for you for being like, hey, I don't want to do this anymore. You set some boundaries. He didn't oblige and you moved on, you dated someone else

the important thing is he never chased you he never he said oh shit she's dating someone else fuck what am I doing she's a great, I can't pass this up it would make sense why he might have reluctance that

you guys were neighbors with your parents would make sense that he has reservations about you being younger. And, and maybe there's, you know, a disconnect between your ages and he's just, you know,

worried about that. He didn't reference any of these. He just said to you, he just doesn't have time for you is what he said. Yeah, basically. And then you said, and then you said,

well, I don't want to do this. And he said, basically and then you said and then you said well i don't want to do this and he said okay and you said okay you disagreed to agree on on that at least and never followed up never chased you never got worried never was afraid of losing you well i guess like yeah i mean it's a little confusing because he did continue to text me after and he's like i want to keep seeing you after i said i don't want to keep doing this yeah but he was never will he was still never afraid of losing you yeah yeah i guess that's true he was he was willing to have you in his life if you were willing to allow that to happen yeah so he's just talking to me now because he's bored? Yes.

Yeah. You're an option. You're bored. That's the harsh way of looking at it. And yeah, he finds you nice and fun to hang out with and enjoys your company and finds you to be delightful. But what is clear is that he is not interested in making you

any kind of priority. Yeah. If you are going to date someone who's considerably older than you, there is going to be a shift. There's going to potentially be a power dynamic there, right? That would be weird for you guys not to even

acknowledge. Have you guys ever talked about your age difference? Yeah, we did actually. He said it didn't bother him. That's it? Well, that's a little weird, right? You guys should acknowledge the challenges with that. Yeah.

Doesn't mean you can't work through it. It just means like, I don't know. It just means like, I don't know. It would be like, you know, every time people choose to be in a relationship, there's pros and cons and obstacles. Like for example, long distance.

Could you imagine being in a relationship and trying to make long distance work and never talk about long distance? Just assume you could treat it the same as if you lived in the same neighborhood. And then you were like, hey, how about long distance? And he was like, oh, it doesn't bother me. But you guys didn't talk about how you would make long distance work.

It's kind of weird, right? And you can date someone with a big significant age gap for sure. But that's still, again, you're trying to be an exception to the rule. You have to acknowledge what are the challenges and pitfalls? Where might our age difference

complicate things? Where might we not be on the same page? Where might our expectations of each other differ as a result of our age? Where might there be a discrepancy in power as a result of

you guys didn't talk about any of that and just to not talk about it, ignore it, doesn't mean it's not going to happen, so it doesn't sound like this guy's really worth your time worrying about and he's also just been honest about the fact that

he doesn't want to make you a priority he thinks you're nice and enjoys your company when he has time for you make you a priority. He thinks you're nice and enjoys your company when he has time for you and you have time for him. And as long as you're willing to not make things difficult for him, he'll keep hanging

out with you. That makes sense. Is it great that he wanted to take things slow? But you don't, you don't get a metal, like that doesn't mean he likes you more. Like,

you know, when you said, Oh, well he, he didn't have sex with me. And typically if a guy just wants to have sex right away, it doesn't want to date me. He'll have sex with me right away.

That's, I, that would be, I wouldn't like going forward, subscribe to that rule is like your big barometer. If someone likes you, you know there's a lot of situations

where you could like hook up with someone right away and get to know someone and like them yeah I'm confident in saying that his reasons for not hooking up with you having sex with you right away had more to do with protecting himself than worrying about your feelings.

Gotcha. Yeah, I don't really think there's anything for you to really invest in this guy. Yeah, that's what I was wondering because I'm like, what, do I just keep texting him about nothing?

Exactly. Literally about nothing. Don't be giving him any medals about not being an asshole. The fact that he is older and treated you, quote unquote, like a girlfriend, that just means he's in that stage of his life where he's not hanging out with a bunch of bros and getting bottle service all the time and prioritizing his buddies. Again, all his friends are married with kids. So he just needs someone to go to Kmart with or a flea market.

I don't know. That's true. So you're just kind of filling a void because everyone else has to go to soccer practice. Yeah. Very true. So he doesn't stop giving him credit for things he doesn't really deserve. Okay.

He's not an asshole. He seems like a decent guy who's kind of selfish and prioritizes what he wants to do over everything else. And that's fine. But that's the situation you find yourself in. Okay.

I would stop texting with him. And if he wants to beg for you, then fine. And if down the road he comes around, I wouldn't ignore the fact that there isn't an age difference. You should want to talk about challenges and hurdles in any relationship. Yeah. All right. Best of luck.

All right. Take care. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send your questions at AskNickAtCastMe.com. Cast with a K for all all your submissions need those questions so we can keep doing this great thing called the podcast and on wednesday hello teffy is with us you won't want to miss it