The Viall Files - E355 Ask Nick - Exposure Therapy for Dating

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Today on another Ask Nick, we start with our first caller who struggles when her boyfriend refuses to get vaccinated even though she and her family have and it has turned into a deeper issue than she originally thought it was. We then unpack whether his reluctance bleeds into other aspects of their relationship, where he places his needs above anyone else. Our next caller deals with a long dry spell after a breakup where they’re having trouble re-engaging with hook-up culture and finding people down for something casual. After that, our next caller wants advice about breaking up because their ex was an alcoholic. The caller is wondering if they should casually check-in to see how they are doing or just move on. Lastly, our next caller wonders if they are settling for their relationship and if their needs are not being met or if it’s really worth the work towards an engagement. “We don’t get bonus points for suffering in relationships” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: MasterClass: Go to http://www.MasterClass.com/Viall to give one annual membership and get one free! Brooklinen: Go to http://www.Brooklinen.com and use code VIALL for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100 Headspace: Find some headspace at http://www.HeadSpace.com/Viall and get one month free of their entire meditation library.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody i was almost singing there uh welcome to a new and exciting episode of the vile files ask nick. I'm your host, Nick. Joined by Allie and Amanda. How are you guys doing? I'll let Allie take this one. Allie has a broken heart. What did we call him?

Wedding guy, right? We've alternated between wedding guy and Minnesota boy, I swear. Same. Same dude. I wonder if the audience is going to be as surprised as I was. What? Because it sure sounded like you weren't sure about them oh well i think at the beginning i definitely like pushed back because i was very overwhelmed but the distance i feel like in that way was ideal because like it could just be based on communication and it was like a nice like slow burn but yeah it's done i was in a very different state on Tuesday than I am now

because I went down on Monday night. So why do you think you were crying so much? Because it was done. It was over. No, I know. Well, because you were at least early on. You seemed to be the person who was unsure about him. Yes, which I fully admit. However,

that was what early to mid October. Was it one of those like classic, you were unsure about him, you let him in a little bit more, he offered to fix your computer. And then you were like, where's this going? And then you asked him and then you got an answer you didn't like. No, I mean, I feel like it was more than that. Like, I would say throughout

like all of November it was much more like flirty texts, like talking on FaceTime, like we talk about all the time, like saying babe, saying goodnight, kissy face.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Saying babe? Yeah. Those were nice things, but like there was a time when he wanted to come out here and you're like, I don't know if I want him to come. 100%.

We keep going back to that. That was in October. It's only early December. I understand that. But. Yeah. And he did end up visiting, right? No, he didn't come out here.

I saw him when I was home in Minnesota after Thanksgiving. And that was really great. We spent like, our date was like seven hours long and it was great. And it was just like in that way it was so nice because it was I'm so anxious when I date. It was like quote unquote the first date

but I was like this is not the first date. So it was just really nice. It felt very like loving and comfortable. I think you're more sad about the disappointment than him. Yeah. Well,

if you're an anxious dater, you have a hard time letting people in. Mm-hmm. And then you did. Yeah. It was a lot of disappointment.

We're on good terms. Does he still have your old computer? He does. He asked, he was like, do you want me to give it to our friends, the ones who got married? I would love to see you, but like I understand if you don't want that. And I just told him I would let him know.

And this was, and you did the thing where I tell people to be like, that you asked for some sort of expectations. Well, he said, I FaceTimed him randomly on Monday because I just wanted to see his face. And he said something of like, out of nowhere. He was just like, well, yeah, I mean, we shouldn't commit to anything until we're in the same city. And that triggered you. And I was like, oh. And I kind of brought it up as a joke at the end of the FaceTime call.

I was like, well, I mean, I guess we're not committing to anything. And he was like, no, that's not what I meant or whatever. We hung up. I not committing to anything. And he was like, no, it's like not what I meant or whatever. We hung up. I like went back to working and he texted me and he was like, sometimes like my brain just like overthinks things. Like I'm really excited to see you in December and like, or like when you come home for Christmas, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, and then I was just like, no, it was good.

Cause I've actually been like thinking about bringing it up to you anyways. And like, wanted to see where your head is at how many times have you guys hung out we met at the wedding and then we hung out in person after Thanksgiving

so wedding night after the wedding and then once after Thanksgiving why did we try to define things that early

because it had been two months of like talking every single day and like kind of being each other's person like when you like and he also said something he didn't intend for it to like be like but he was like i mean we've been on one date and i was like that fucking hurts because like this is not like a one date this is not like we've been on one day it's tricky i see both. Do you talk to people?

That's the communication thing. I've had similar, I guess, relationships that you're describing with people. And yeah, I mean, as much as we talked on a regular basis, that was like we've seen each other twice. Do you think you felt like surprised when he said that or misled? Like was it sort of a situation where it had been sort of ambiguous where this was going? You had hopes about it and then that like dashed the hopes?

Or was it a situation where you felt like it was pretty clear? Like you felt like you were on the same page about what it was building to? I feel like surprised. Like I feel like he even said something when we were hanging out after Thanksgiving and he was like, no, this is great because like we keep it casual and we're not dating or whatever. And I was like, just kind of like feels like we are. Like I feel like it felt like a relationship to me. And like I totally understand the logic and the distance and like not wanting to commit to that.

I guess my question then was like, so like I never intended to keep talking to him after the wedding. I was like, cool guy, fun times, great. He was the one like doing all this communication. So then I was like, I'm just confused of why we were doing that for two months. If he, if he like had the sure rule that he was not going to do distance. He said he had some sort of golden rule. He was just like, I don't want to do distance. Like, I just think he's at a different spot in

his life where he's like probably dating to marry and that's not where I'm at. Like, was he hooking up with other people, do you think? Or was that something you guys ever discussed? I don't think so. Only because he told me a story one time of like how he was like really heartbroken by this girl because she like hooked up with someone else. And I was like, oh my God, like when you guys were like dating and he was like, no. And I was like, but you'd had like the exclusivity talk. And he was like, no. but he was still like really heartbroken about that. So like, I took that as a, this is a dude who like sees one person at a time and almost has that assumption for other people in his life. So I never like thought that that was the reason behind it. Well, I was just trying to figure out

what it is. Cause it sounds like it's not the, it's not the communication element. Cause like what you were doing is arguably like kind of... That's because it felt like the commitment of a relationship. As much as you guys communicated, you still might not have been the most effective communicators with one another. If he said something that triggered you, which happens all the time for people, and you got a little anxious and guarded, having thought about all the investment of time

that you put in this conversation and then you immediately put him on the spot to say well what the fuck are we like what do you mean what's then he's triggered

by being like well I don't know I can see how that could go real south easily and I feel like from my perspective

I didn't bring that up because he said that like I was even thinking over the weekend like there was like a whole Saturday night where like he was like out and I didn't intend or like expect to hear from him when he was out, but like never heard from him when he got back home. And then I was like, that makes me disappointed. I need to check in with that of like why I want him to slash expect him to.

I am at the point now where like I'm flagging these things that I'm doing and like being disappointed by. So I need to like figure out what I want andging these things that I'm doing and being disappointed by. So I need to figure out what I want and what he wants because I don't want to keep feeling disappointed for something that's potentially not a relationship. So it was already coming. It just happened sooner than expected because he made that comment on the FaceTime. That's how you feel? I think so. Because at this point, I'm like, God damn it, Allie.

If you hadn't FaceTimed in on Monday, I'd still be talking to him right now. Well, that's the question. The question is, despite all that, maybe this miscommunication escalated and brought up this ending of the relationship. But the question is,

did you panic and force an issue for something he wasn't prepared to talk about? Because it's not unreasonable for him to not want to commit to a long distance relationship having only hung out with you once. That's not unreasonable. And I understand you have talked to him every day.

You felt like this investment. So the question is, and I'm not saying you should do this, but the question is, if you were to, what does your gut tell you? Like if you were to say, hey, listen, I thought about our conversation and i really enjoyed our time together i really like

talking to you i like you and i get we've only hung out once it's just i felt like maybe you were like regardless if we keep talking i do want to know it's going somewhere and i had already decided to invest my time in you by talking to you every day. I had already thought about the possibility of us being in a long-term relationship. And I was open to that. And I was good with investing in that. And that either put you on the spot, or is that a non-starter for you? Because if it's a non-starter for you, then yeah, then it's good that you ended it because you just saved yourself what will ultimately have been more pain down the road. Well, and I think that's like kind of what

I tried to bring up in that way. And he said something along the lines of like, I, you know, I really like you and like, you have a great personality and like, I would love to keep talking with you and like, keep you in my life and like basically keep doing what we're doing. But like, no, he's not interested in like a long distance relationship so then that's I think where I had to make the call of I can't keep doing this for what like two more months six more months like if it's not gonna go because then I'm just gonna like fall harder and it's gonna hurt more so why did he start talking with you in the first place exactly did you ask him that no I feel like maybe he wants like

what did you say it's a reverse of the friends with benefits he just wants like the emotions yeah like no physical intimacy all the like communication yeah I wonder I feel like what he would probably say is like oh I didn't know it would go like you know

I just enjoyed chatting with you and like, it just, you know what I mean? It just happened. Yeah, I don't think he was being super mindful of the implications of the way you were communicating and how those would potentially

clash with his, what he ultimately like saw for it. It can go both ways. I don't know. I don't think it's a, we talk all the time. I mean, it takes time to get to know people. So, you know, we're here

criticizing, almost making fun of like, oh, you want to reverse friends with benefits, but like every situation is different in a sense, right? Two people could spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other and build a relationship and not putting a lot of stress on each other and expectations, which comes with risks

because if you're not committed, you could be dating other people. But you could build something there. But for him, because most people logically just say, I don't want a long-distance relationship. You know what I'm saying? The average person is just like, it's not what I want. I don't want a long distance relationship. Like no one's, you know what I'm saying? The average person is just like, I'm just, it's not what I want. I don't want a long distance relationship. Yeah, nobody's going in looking for a long distance.

And yet we often, with the world being what it is and the access to communicate with people makes it easier to maintain some kind of long distance relationship. You can FaceTime with people. And so when you meet someone and you're like, I don't know, I don't like this person. And you start talking to them and you enjoy talking to them. You just kind of want to focus on enjoying that, right?

And for some people, him, it didn't get to a point where he thought he could consider a long distance relationship. I don't want to have a long distance relationship was still like very much a thing for him. And yet he was just like, but I do enjoy talking to this person and didn't give him much, you know, and I'm not, that's not necessarily wrong. And I get where you're coming from, but you know, sometimes you, you guys, you might've talked every day for six weeks, but you still have a lot more to learn than you've learned.

And it would have required you guys to build on that for him to say, no one wants a long distance relationship. When they choose to be in a long distance relationship, they make an exception for the person. Yeah, it's like your hand is forced. Yes.

And you kind of force his hand. And he wasn't ready. Alas. Here we are. I'm leaning towards you panicked a little bit and forced an issue that might have been a little too soon at the risk of avoiding greater pain down the road that you never can predict.

And if you're going to get into a long-term relationship, it's like, I mean, shit. Someone who's experienced some bad heartbreak or broken hearts, it sucks. But you have to be vulnerable. You have to give yourself to people and you have to open up and you have to date someone at the risk of them absolutely crushing you. And you try to avoid that so early on. That's what I typically do though. Like all of my relationships are like two or three months. Quarter system, you know? Just get up. Get them done. When you start asking,

when you give them big, you know, and I have gotten to know you, you're as an employee, that's great. You're very like on top of it. You're thinking about things and you like, that's great you're very like on top of it you're thinking about things and you like but sometimes

you just have to let things you know play out I think you guys are going to hook up when you're home you can't avoid

hurt we have a great episode for you more more of this really don't forget to send in your

questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K we are looking to maybe do some holiday themed questions so if if you're fighting over the holidays we'd love to hear me.com cast with a K. We are looking to maybe do some holiday themed questions. So if,

if you're fighting over the holidays, we'd love to hear about it. Yeah. Family. At least, at least give your holiday pain a purpose and share your story with us. So sending your email at ask Nick, cast me.com.

Let's get to our callers. Master class via master. Take a class. So send in your email at asknickcastme.com. Let's get to our callers. Masterclass. Be a master, take a class. I was hanging out with my cousin and his wife this weekend, and they give the amazing gift of a masterclass to my uncle and his brother. And I was like, did you use codes V-I-A-L-L? And they're like, we did.

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So go to headspace.com slash V-I-A-L-L today. Headspace.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Thank you. Question time with Nick Let's ask Nick your sexy questions How's it going? Hi, Nick. How are you? My name is Jill. I'm 27 and I'm from New York. How can I help? So I'm in a situation right now

between what my boyfriend thinks is right and what my family thinks is right. And it's on two completely opposite ends. It has to do with the COVID-19 vaccination and just differences in opinion. So a little bit of a backstory. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We met on Bumble back in 2019 before the pandemic started. And during the pandemic, you know, we kept the relationship pretty strong, even though we couldn't see each other and things were fine. You know, even when we had to stop seeing each other for a little bit, again, the relationship was really good. And we were talking every day. And even now, he treats me like a priority. He's a good boyfriend, but we started facing a problem. He is in the military and they're mandating the vaccine here for them.

And he still doesn't want to get it. He thinks that it's something that he just doesn't want. And my parents are thinking that he is not caring that much about his career and that he should just get it, that he's not being a man, and what's the big deal. Wait, his parents have said that to him? My parents said that to me. They think that he's going to lose his job with the military if he doesn't get it, and he's willing to just be discharged and not have to worry about just getting the vaccine. He keeps trying to avoid it, even though there are new rules that

are coming in. And my parents are not okay with it. They think it's a problem and it's been causing me stress because here I am trying to be supportive of him but I also want to make my parents happy and because of that I haven't been making myself happy yeah I guess I'm curious about what do you think about it the thing is I I'd like him to just get it because we can do more things together. He couldn't come to a wedding with me back in October because he didn't want to get it. And at first it was because he didn't trust it. But now that they're mandating it, I guess I'm just confused as to why he just can't go and just get it.

And I feel like things will be better if he does go. But I feel like he's just not going to change his mind no matter what I tell him. Yeah. I mean, listen, this is a challenging question just because your boyfriend's not the only one who has very strong beliefs about not getting the vaccination. I mean, there's, you know, whatever you think about or I think about it, there is a lot of disinformation out there. You know, I think every family, many families have a difference of opinions

inside the family about, you know, the vaccinations, you know, my family included. I'm vaccinated personally. Me too too i think it's smart to get but like regardless of what we think it's clearly an incredibly divisive topic and it sounds like your boyfriend is um very committed to this you're right i don't see what you're going to do to change his mind what have you taught have you mind. Have you sat down and tried to one-on-one try to talk with him about this? I mean, the thing is, just thinking pragmatically and objectively, if we're talking just trying to make smart career decisions,

the Army isn't the only one that's going to or has been mandating this in fact the army if nothing else once they do something a lot of you know organizations i think have a tendency of following down the line i mean i i don't know who knows maybe that's that i feel like yeah well i don't know if the army sets precedence. Yeah, he has another job, but the thing is, what if his other job mandates it? I mean, at some point I feel like maybe he, maybe he will if it really gets to that point, but I don't know if he's figured out his,

like between a rock and a hard place yet. I can't get him there. I mean, my dad was a heart patient. He had a procedure like right around the time that we met. And I tried explaining to him, you know what, I'll feel a little more comfortable if you get it because right now, yes, we're vaccinated, but I have family members with health problems. But then he was trying to tell me, I don't think he's going to get COVID from me. I mean, he already had COVID and he had that and I wasn't with him. Thank God for that. But I, that didn't, that still didn't

sway him even if I tried to bring my family into it. And I think that's my fault personally, because we had a family party for Halloween and he was there and I enabled that. And I'm trying to go back and I'm trying to regress a little bit. How so? What do you mean? I just think that I shouldn't just be okay with what he wants. I think I have to start incorporating more with what I want. It's hard because I want him to be happy and it's hard because sometimes I don't make myself happy. Well, that's the thing too.

Like, I'm just trying to offer some like big picture ideas or advice. Like I, I can't, I can't, I have no answers for you. And like how to convince your boyfriend, how to like get backstabbed if he's like dug in and reading like Facebook

blogs about like facebook blogs about like conspiracy theories about like why it might be unsafe etc etc but talking about relationships and talking about you and him you should have a comfort level about your ability to discuss very difficult topics especially as it it relates to having a family and making financial decisions for people who aren't just you. So if you two were a married couple, how would you guys make financial

and personal decisions for each other? Decisions that would impact one another, impact your kids, et cetera, et cetera. And a lot of people have these types of challenges when they're married and they don't have solutions. And do you feel like this is just an extreme example of a theme of your boyfriend being incredibly opinionated not only about this, but maybe a great deal of things, and you seem to be the one who's always compromising those things. Either you guys agree and you get what you want through agreement, or you disagree and you have to be the one who's

understanding his point of view but he never seems to come around on yours and you're doing a lot of head nodding and it sounds like maybe that's how you feel in general so like yeah well you know maybe maybe the big picture for you is you know boy it's uh i understand how strongly people feel about it, whether I agree or disagree. And the fact that he's willing to kind of quit and draw this hard line, like down the road, that decision, if you were married and having kids with him, would have a lot of impact on people you care about. And it would be much more of a challenging situation than simply, you know, how do you, what should you do in this situation? Because like right now, as difficult as breaking up with them might be and trying to make your parents happy, your boyfriend happy, it's a pretty easy out. Much harder if you're married with kids. Yeah.

So, you know. I know. I mean, I talked to my friend about this too a while ago. And I said to her, I said, I really don't know how to navigate this situation. And she was just like, you know, you should just plain, you know, flat out say, you know, just ask him ask them, where do you see this going? And every time I go to try to ask the question, I freeze.

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Brooklinen.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L. Has there been other topics where you have the nerves to bring something up? No, not always. It's more for this because I feel like this has been something that is recent um I mean he wasn't always my parents favorite person that I've dated especially my mom um she's had doubts about him like she goes she like goes from feeling good

to not feeling good and this is the more recent situation um yeah i mean i don't know your mom or her involvement yeah you know some parents are heavily involved in their opinions quite honestly or just kind of like whatever yeah especially mine yeah okay so there you go if you haven't have a bit of a helicopter mom when it comes to your dating life yeah you know a little bit it got easier since I moved out yeah I actually met him after I moved out so that was kind of like I don't know you know one of those things where I got right into this relationship with him after I'd moved out. So it's a different type of relationship because he's not like at my parents' house all

the time. So they're not like knowing what's going on. Cause I've had to like create those boundaries. But some of the things like there are things we don't agree on. Like um he didn't go to college and i have my master's degree so we there's differences with school that i've been willing to look past what do you mean and well that you know he he didn't go to college he doesn't really see the importance of schooling and i do um so i've thought about that quite a bit and you in terms of well i mean i guess that yeah i'm not big on that just because yeah it really depends on uh what that means you know like you don't have if he could be someone who doesn't respond well to traditional education, and he joined the military, and he's thriving in that, in getting an education for the military,

and then he got out and applied those skills into a very successful career. That's entirely possible. The fact that he got the college experience doesn't really speak to your compatibility unless you decided to be some sort of superficial checklist. Now, it could be a bit of a barometer about what it says about his motivation level and how focused he is on his career. It sounds like to what you're describing, he's more of a free spirit on not necessarily worry about what he's going to be doing in the next five or 10

years. And you'll kind of settle on whatever job is available. That's a legitimate concern. I don't know if it's specifically the school thing. But at the end of the day, yeah. I don't know if it really matters. But it's just like when you break up with them, and it sounds like that's the path you're going, mentioning mentioning the the college thing isn't really going to get you anywhere because it's something he'll like take personally and like he'll make you sound superficial uh because like oh well i didn't go i'm not good enough because i didn't go to school like it has really nothing to do with that it's like how you you're questioning his ability to apply himself. And it sounds like that's something you value as a partner who you can count on, right?

Like at the end of the day, like you want to be able to count on someone who is dedicated to working towards a goal and being ambitious. And those are qualities you can want in a partner. And if that's something you're struggling with, it sounds like maybe there's a list of things that are bothering you about this relationship,

despite it saying, you saying it's good. No, that's a good point. It hasn't been, it hasn't always been easy. You know, I go back and forth between, you know, I'm willing to bury it all and just like, just stay. Well, you know, like just... I just don't feel like any relationship would do well if you have to say, I'm willing to bury it all. That just sounds like a really heavy thing to say and would suggest that you quite literally have to bury your feelings. And I don't think that's a solution for anyone. No, it's not.

It's not healthy either. What's you even willing to consider that? I mean, you sound like you understand what I'm saying and why that would sound silly, but yet you said it anyways. Well, the whole thing is I'm, I don't know. I mean, I've always been the type of person to give the people the benefit of the doubt and see the good in people. And I know that he's a good person. He makes a point

to text me every day and there hasn't been any issues there. It's just, I don't know. I just can't help like those, those negative feelings. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to say I'm feeling this way because of X, Y, and Z. It's hard for me because I want things to be okay, even though sometimes they're always not okay. Yeah, it's really confusing. Well well I guess you just have to decide how much are your feelings or how much are they coming from your parents like you've acknowledged that your mom seems to be a little bit more involved in your dating life or romantic life than you think would be normally like acceptable or healthy and in those cases it can be very hard for people in your position to feel confident about their own choices because you know like it's like you probably trust and admire your

parents in a lot of ways and but here you are trying to make your own decisions so I think you'd have to just do some internal thinking about like what is important to you okay despite like what forget about what your parents stop thinking about what are mom and dad gonna think or what am i like you said what makes you happy what do you want it's a valid thing to want to be with someone that you think is can motivate themselves ambitious ambitious, hardworking, can work towards goals to be, you know, you want to have some sort of security despite you like doing your part, you know, maybe you don't feel like being the sole breadwinner

in a relationship or have to worry about like his kind of more cavalier approach to a career. That's valid. Like not everyone might agree with you, but it's valid that you feel the way you do. And at the risk of sounding harsh and cold, that's just what you're going to have to say to them and leave.

I wouldn't make the mistake of trying to coach him up. If this is who he is, this is who he is, you just need to find someone else. He could be just a nice guy who you like a lot of nice things about him, but this thing could be a non-negoti you like a lot of nice things about him but this thing could be a non-negotiable for you like i don't know i want someone who's ambitious i'm attracted to

someone who's ambitious who i can trust who's career oriented and that's not him and the and the the vac thing i mean that's a whole nother kind of can of worms but what it is but the bigger picture is it sounds like minus that you really have no faith in his like focus uh about what he wants to do with his life and you don't feel like holding his hand and babysitting him or being a mentor to him or a motivator to him because that it can put a lot of stress on a relationship. Yes. So yeah, you just got to make sure it's your choice and not mom's. Yeah, no, I agree. And I mean, I mean, she has told me, no, it's your role.

It's your relationship. You know, you, you decide what you want to do here, but you know, you have a lot of thinking to do. I think a parents can be manipulative without even trying to be. They're your parents. I mean, they're so used to coaching you up, but at the end of the day, you just have to feel in your gut that it's your choice.

Yeah. All right? Yeah, no, that's true. That's true. Yeah. I've just been trying to get peace from the situation you know it's not going to come easy but it's been something that's been going on and i'm trying to just get peace yeah well i think the big thing for you is understanding to get this peace you're not going to be able to avoid disappointment. So I think a lot of people try to figure out, well, how can I solve this problem with everyone

being happy the entire time? And I think in most cases, that's not possible. So it's going to cost, it's going to require some short-term disappointment and hard conversations, but in the long run, it might be what's best for everyone involved. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's a good point. That's a good point. So yeah, I'd focus on that and try to stop

trying to make everyone happy in the short run. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right, thank you. I appreciate that. i appreciate that take care how's it going good what's your name my name is ashley i'm 28 how can i help ashley i think i've kind of entered this like new phase of my life um this spring I went through a really traumatic breakup with an abusive

boyfriend and it was like the most painful thing I've ever been through and traumatic thing. Um, I was seeing a therapist while I was in the relationship. So luckily I was seeing her and had her like, as I was going through the breakup. Um, and typically with breakups

or like situationships end with guys, I cope in like really unhealthy ways, primarily getting really drunk and going out and hooking up with random guys, just like general need for validation type stuff. So I was really proud this time I spent the last seven months working through the breakup,

recovering from the abusive relationship in therapy. I haven't been partying, drinking, or dating, or anything in order to just recover in the healthiest way that I can and to not end up in a similar situation that I was just in. That's great. Yeah. But I'm ready to get back out there. and i've been on dating apps i've kind of been ready and like dabbling for the past month or so and when i initially wrote in to your podcast

i hadn't had sex since the breakup and so that was like seven months and it was like the longest dry spell i've had since i started having sex when i was like 16. And I was feeling super like touch starved and really just kind of like craving just like someone to hook up with just someone to like have, you know, since then, since I wrote in, I have gone on a few dates with a guy and I have had sex, which is awesome. But if slash when this guy I've been seeing stops, like it doesn't work or whatever, the first guy since the relationship so who knows what's going to happen I'm worried that I'm going to be facing the problem I wrote in a route which was I've always enjoyed being single because I've enjoyed like meeting

guys and hooking up with them like it's just fun for me but I have found it so difficult to find guys and to do that in the way that I used to do it, which was usually going out, partying, getting drunk, finding a guy, going home with him. Maybe we talk for a few weeks and hook up for a while and that's it. But I think I've kind of moved on from that stage of my life where I want to do that. I don't really want to hook up in that way or like really engage in that partying culture to facilitate like having sex. And I thought I would try dating apps just to see like, oh, maybe I can find cute guys on there. But I'm finding it difficult, like find any guy I'm attracted to enough to want to like hook up with them. And I guess like,

I don't really know how to be single and like engage in that hookup culture that I used to without like partying and without alcohol. And I'm confident in like my abilities in the bedroom, I guess. But I definitely think there's a social anxiety aspect to it that could be causing this, which is why I usually would turn to partying and alcohol in order to do this. Sure. Because alcohol helps you not be...

I feel like not being an expert in alcohol, but my understanding of how it's impacted me and my friends and is that all the things that, you know, especially for someone like me who overthinks things and get anxious and awkward or, you know, like the alcohol like helps you just be like, ah, fuck it, you know? Yeah, that's how i am like i definitely so what you're feeling now right the fact you you set this boundary for yourself like you've recognized the problem and the risks involved of like participating in hookup culture while going out to the bars and relying on alcohol to like take the nerves away so now you're experiencing the very natural nerves of yeah i've been like hey do you want to fuck you know i feel like yeah it's like it feels like i'm starting over and i'm like oh my god i feel like i'm like 18 again like nervous to talk to boys you know because that's the thing like you're

used to like being young and going out to bars and then you know like bartend would roll around and like you're a little sauced and you're just like i don't know like you seem good enough like let's go fuck you know like yeah you literally might have said that at some point and it didn't even and like you know you go home you go that you go hook up and the next day you kind of like either don't remember that you said that or b you try not to remember that you said that because you're like i don don't know, whatever. I said some crazy shit. I got laid. You know, probably. I was drunk. I did what I always do.

Yeah. Then, you know, then you like, I don't know, go get tested and make sure you're like made some good decisions, whatever. And you recognize the risks involved in that. So all you're experiencing now is, you know, the social anxiety that would normally come if you weren't drinking. So I guess what I'm saying is now's not necessarily the time to panic. If nothing else, the good news is this is normal. It's not like, oh, I didn't expect this. Of course you expected this. this is normal, right? This is... Yeah.

It's not like, oh, I didn't expect this. Of course you expected this, right? So what do we do with this, right? Well, I mean, just... Dating apps, right? You have this ability to text a stranger via a dating app, right? And that takes some of the awkwardness or the feeling of rejection out of it you know i think a lot of people when they're texting without people they really know it makes them feel a little braver than say you know going up to someone so i would argue that even if you're sober texting with someone it's

almost like talking to someone for the first time drunk because you're kind of like, who gives a shit if I get rejected? I don't really know. And I'm not necessarily saying you should go on the dating apps and just, just see a guy that you find cute and be like, I don't know, God,

if you want to fuck, you know, I'm just saying like, yeah, I don't know. Like, as always be patient, you know,

understand that it's normal to feel a little awkward and a little nervous. Like you said, like, I don't think you're all that worried about like men finding you attractive. And if you decide to like want to hook up with them, odds are you're going to get more yeses than no's. You're going to get more yeses than noes. So what makes you the most nervous about pursuing a guy you're sexually attracted to? Well, there's two parts to my answer. One is that I just generally really struggle to find guys that I'm even attracted to enough on the apps. Like I'm very much, and this is something I'm working through too and noticing about myself is

I'm very much a, like, yes, like a fuck yes or a fuck no kind of person. And I would say like 98% of the guys I see on dating apps, I'm like, no, no,

no. And like, now you're seeing him with like clear eyes. Yeah. And like, even just finding someone where i'm like oh that guy's cute like i definitely am like attracted to him in that way is hard for me on the dating apps whereas when i'm drunk i'm like have my drunk goggles on whatever um and then the second part of that is when i do find someone i'm on hinge for example

and i was on tinder but tinder like tinder kind of creeps me out so I'm just kind of on hinge right now but I don't want to like hurt someone or like even though I know people go on dating apps to hook up all the time I guess it's just not natural for me if I'm like talking to someone like enough to be like just try to have like the tiniest bit of connection so we can meet up, I'll feel bad and feel like, you know, it's not fair me to do that to them just to like hook up with them, even though they are guys and a lot of them probably don't care. Yeah. I guess that's kind of where it comes from. And like, I don't, I feel like because it is on hinge there's like the pressure to really like go out on a date with

them and like talk to them and whatever and i guess like i don't necessarily have to do that but i feel that like that's what i feel because i'm like you feel obligated to say yes to these these guys who are swiping right kind of thing yeah i feel obligated to like just you know if they want to like take me on a date i guess i feel bad if i'm just going on the date to like hook up with them you know and i want to like communicate maybe like i guess i feel in the communication like i'm not really like ran this by any of them? Because I feel like some of them would be fine with it.

Yeah. I haven't. The guy that I currently have, I've been on three dates with him and we've had sex every date, but I can tell he likes me and he wants to continue and I actually do too. I do like him. I just don't know. It's been three dates, so we'll see how long

it lasts but um i haven't like i haven't really found anyone that i'm like yeah i wanted like just have sex with you too you know it's how old are you does that make sense yeah i'm 28 okay yeah i mean honestly i think that sounds like you're maturing you know yeah and with maturity we realize that we're more aware of what we want and what we don't want we recognize some of our choices we made in the past and the risks that were involved and you know sometimes it's kind of like oh fuck you know like every time is that when i get old get older like i always have this like my desire to want to go out and have fun is still there, right?

But the difference is, now when I go out, I'm always reminded why I don't like going out anymore. And I want to go out and have the same fun I enjoyed when I was 20. When I was out for the first time and all this stimulation that was out there was all new and exciting to me but i just see the world differently now like i see the matrix so to speak you know that's why they call that's why they say ignorance is bliss and so it's just you know that's part of growing up like you're you're just you're seeing the world differently now and i do think you're overthinking it a little bit like it's going like yeah it's going yes you're going to have more guys you don't like than like you are like everyone else everyone likes

you should not be interested in everyone and once in a while especially if you think you're catching you have confidence yourself as you should you're going to have to disappoint people with dating. And there's nothing... First of all, if you're like, I don't know about this guy, it's only been three dates. Well, I can tell you one thing. After three dates, if you can't say to him, what I like about you so far,

I really like. And then there's so much I want to get to know, but we'll see. If he can't handle that in a mature way that would be a red flag you know yeah and stop assuming you you know how he feels about you i mean i think we always make that mistake and you know what i'm saying like there's plenty of times where people like i know they're into me probably maybe but also you might they might experience something with you that changes their mind. So stop thinking for them and date this guy

and then communicate that with him, especially if he checks in. How are you feeling about things? And you just tell him. And then going forward, if it doesn't work out with this guy, I would try just being honest. Just try saying what you think. You know?

Yeah. Whether it's like, hey, I'm just interested in hooking up right now. Say that. Yeah. You know? I'm guessing a lot of guys will take you up on that. But like...

Yeah. Have you ever just been up front with what you want and your intentions in dating whether it's to date to the relationship or date to just hook up i have yeah um i had someone before my previous relationship that we hooked up and then we were going on a couple of dates and i told him like right off the bat that i was just like, I am not really interested in anything. You said before hooking up or after hooking up? After we like hooked up and it was like a drunken hookup. And then he wanted to take me on dates.

And I was like, I enjoy hanging out with you. And I would like to continue hanging out with you, but I just don't. Well, now you got to start doing it before. Want anything serious. Huh?

Now you have to start doing it before. People are always just like, it's so weird. People, they need to get naked exchange bodily fluids before they talk i don't like what is this new world we're living in the getting naked and having sex without knowing anything about each other that's fine that's normal whatever but like having a conversation about what we want in the bedroom or don't want in relationships that's nuts to like bring up before you know and i think especially

in your situation these are things you should say prior to having sex with anyone especially if you're just like hey listen i'm gonna be totally real with it you'll blow these guys minds you're just like i like you so far i'm going to be totally real with it. You'll blow these guys' minds. You're just like, I like you so far. I don't know about you, but I'm physically attracted to you. I'd love to hook up with you, but I'm not sure where this is going romantically, but

if you're down for that, I just want to be up front. And I think that'll help. Especially if you're the rock star. If you're a rock star in bed and you're having sex with these guys, and all rock star if you're like a rock star in bed and you're having sex with these guys and all of a sudden they're like i'm obsessed you know like i i love her and you're just like i don't know buddy you know yeah so yeah i think you're right i just kind of need to try it and what better way than someone who you're both not invested in each other

and it's just on a dating app and you can just like right off the bat do that and i did get advice from my hairdresser he was like why don't you just like try to like have sex with the dudes that like all the conservative dudes that are hot on hinge that you would never date because of their political values but you think they're hot like that way you won't get emotionally i was like i guess I could do that but maybe yeah I mean I guess the biggest thing is I think you should just work on trying to have some of these conversations that might feel a little bit awkward and normal just because you're not used to having them either you're used to you're avoiding them or you're used to being drunk and on dating apps again I've always like if you listen to the show like like, especially for women, Zoom first dates are a great way of kind of weeding people out and getting to know these guys without having to, like, dress up or go to dinner.

And you can see if you vibe with these people. And maybe even that's a way to just be like, you don't have to have any of your personal information. And you just come clean with some of these people. Like, what are your intentions? And literally practice having these what feel like awkward conversations but like if you can get drunk and have sex with a stranger then you can definitely have these conversations with a stranger yeah and it just takes practice and i think also applaud yourself for like you know setting this boundary for yourself and being committed to like making it work because the easier thing to do would be going

back to your old habits and and and being less patient and getting drunk and having sex with strangers because that's what you're comfortable with. And I think you should pat yourself on the back for like trying to figure out a way to like continue to do this thing that feels uncomfortable right now, but you know is safer and healthier for you long-term.

So like some of this just takes practice and like challenge yourself to do that and just find creative ways to have some of these conversations. Because yeah, whether it's a guy who you have different belief systems in that you're not going to want to like end up with, like I think the end of the day,

you still want to have these conversations with first. Because like having sex with the super conservative person, if you're a liberal, like what you're doing is you're telling yourself, well, I'm going to hook up with this guy. And then once he finds out that we have different points of view, then he won't want to date me

and I won't want to date him and we can avoid the awkward conversation. So stop trying to figure out, your hairdresser is trying to figure out a way for you to avoid the awkward conversation. And I guess that's a way but i don't know if that's the healthiest most productive way and that's gonna i don't think that's gonna help you get to where you're trying to go yeah no i totally agree and i haven't tried that because

i was like that's you know in theory that's like funny and like sure why not but like i would literally it doesn't get to the point when we get off the phone go to google create a new email address just for zoom dates go on dating apps and anyone you're remotely like physically attracted to to say let's have a zoom first date and then one person try saying whatever the fuck you want to say crazy ass shit who gives a shit you'll never have to talk to him again you know like just practice saying things that are on your mind you know and and it will never be as awkward or as bad as you are worried about you know and people fucking love honesty especially you know most of the time honestly like once you start

saying this shit to guys there's your problem is they'll just all fall in love with you because you're like you you're saying crazy what they think is crazy ass shit they've never heard and all you are is being honest yeah totally okay i'm gonna do that i think that's a good plan um it's kind of like you know in therapy we do stuff in terms of like exposure therapy for like some of my intrusive thoughts and it's like exposure therapy. It's the like mind comfortable shit that I'm not used to. Like I just got to do it and just practice it. And there's like no stake in the game. You can just totally do it. And yeah. All right. Well, good luck. Yeah. Stick to it. Don't, don't give up on, don't go back to comfortable and easy.

Yeah, I won't. All't go back to comfortable and easy. Yeah, I won't. All right. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? Hi, I'm Tara. My name is Tara. I'm 26. And before I begin, I just want to say thank you for having me. It's a pleasure meeting you. I love the podcast. So thank you to you and your team. Oh, thank you. Thank you for calling in. It's a pleasure meeting you. I love the podcast. So thank you to you and your team. Oh, thank you.

Thank you for calling in. How can I help Tara? So I'm 26, as I said, and I've been in the relationship I just ended two weeks ago for six years. And before I get into the last year and what kind of made it end, I'll give you some context.

He's a year older. So we're basically the same age. But once I first got in the relationship when I just turned 20, I don't think I really realized, and it was probably really ignorant of me, but realized what it would be like to be with somebody who grew up kind of in a rough upbringing with a lot of trauma that they hadn't handled or got help with. So I think I just thought like, okay, if I just love this person and care about them a lot, things will work out and he'll be okay, which is again, ignorant. Looking back, I'm embarrassed that I thought that.

But because of that, I justified a lot of red flags and things I probably wouldn't tolerate. I would just give that the excuse like, okay, he didn't really have the best example. So we could work on it and it'll get better. And that goes for communication. He was really good at communicating the nice and cute stuff. But anytime things got a little bit difficult, it was pretty rough. He would storm out a lot and he'd get angry at the fact that I was a little upset over something. And it could just be something small. And I would just be like, hey, when you couldn't figure this out and you were taking it out on me, it just hurt my feelings a bit. I get you're stressed, but maybe try to work on that. And then all of a sudden, it turned

and escalated to something super big. And when that got better, I was like, okay, I'm seeing changes. It's getting more positive. And then this last year came and he was going through a lot of rough times, but he was coping with not the best ways, which would be a lot of drinking. So again, I'm trying to be patient, understanding, sympathetic and help out. But the drinking just started getting worse and worse and it kind of turned into a toxic cycle the last few months of me crying and begging him to like cut it down and slow down and it just may be changing for a week or two but then going back

to those super bad habits and that is when I really just had to realize that just because I wanted him to change and hoped he would doesn't mean that that's what's going to happen. So I finally left two weeks ago and it's definitely been really rough since then. I just wanted to know like the advice for feeling that guilt of walking away and like if it should just be something where I don't even check in, don't see how he's doing, just a clear cut. Or is it okay to be like, is everything okay? Everything going well? First of all, I'm sorry. You're going through this.

This sucks. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's, I think, well, you know, because you started off by saying you felt embarrassed for thinking you know love was enough essentially right yeah and my first thought when you said that is well don't be too hard on yourself like we've all been there and i don't think we should i don't think we should ever become so cynical that we like don't at least believe that like love our love for each other can be a great motivator to want to be our best versions for ourselves, for the people we love most, right? So, like, in theory, like, it's good to believe in the love

that you think you have in a relationship, right? Now, you're, as, like, you recognize that just because you might have love, that, like, that's a good place to start but like you have to be open to the possibility that you're wrong or that the love that you might feel isn't reciprocated by them or maybe they are incapable through like who they are or where they've been from or their lack of wanting to improve themselves as individuals cetera. And so you have now come to that conclusion, right? Which is sad. It's disappointing, you know, but, and then you're sitting here thinking, I'm having a hard time with it. Is it okay to reach out, et cetera, et cetera. So you're kind of in a way you, you've have two contrary points of view like on one side you're just like oh i should have

known better i'm stupid i should have yeah on the other side you're just like i'm even though i know it's wrong i'm still sad and i want to be with him or i want to reach out to him and i want to check in on him yeah you know and all that is just hope that you have that maybe it could still work out or maybe there's that part of the reason why you're reaching out is because you want to find out that he's finally, it's a wake-up call, that he'll be really willing to do all these things. But deep down, what do you really believe? If you really thought there was hope,

my guess is you probably wouldn't have ended it. Correct. I know my gut that it was the right decision. I shouldn't say reach out. I should say answer because I will never reach out. It got to the point where I obviously still have tons of stuff that I need to get from his place. And when I do ask, okay, let me know a good time this week to grab it, that I need to get from his place. And when I do ask like,

okay, let me know a good time this week to grab it. It ends up turning into him saying like, Oh, I'll change and stuff like that. But I have it in my mind that if he was going to change, it would have happened before it got. Yeah. So I don't know how to even like,

if I give him space before asking to get my stuff again, what does he have of yours? Lots of clothes, lots of shoes, lots of home stuff, just random stuff. So a bunch of things that are, it would be totally nice to get those back. None of which you really need. Correct. So I would just remember that. Yeah.

so I would just remember that and prioritize everyone healing over any of these material things because that's essentially what you have to decide what am I going to prioritize everyone moving on and because you want him to move on you want him to accept your decision

and get over this pain or whatever he's feeling whether it's just the pain of rejection of finally realizing you're gone, you know, and, or, you know, cause it's probably not totally love, right? It's just realizing he fucked up, but this is who he is or whatever. And despite you coming to this conclusion, you're naturally sad and you're going to need to heal and, and dealing with this stuff that you're thinking about getting back, that's not going to help you heal.

So what I would do if I were you is, I mean, you have mutual friends, I'm guessing, or whatever. Yeah. Is that you can ask him politely, and he's going to hate this because he's hoping that the stuff that you have is a reason to get a hold of you to get to talk to you. So he will, he's most likely going to be very difficult when providing the solution. stuff because what you should do is either text him and just say, hey, I'm out of town or whatever or I'm busy with other things. Could you drop off my stuff or could I have your mom or your brother or your friend or whoever, like anyone, come and get my stuff so that you are avoiding any further communication

and dialogue between him because there's nothing he can say that's going to change your mind and it's only going to create a fight and it's only going to create false hope potentially or whatever. It's just going to be a lot of exhausting things. So getting that answer

is going to make him mad and he might say fuck you to that and maybe he'll burn your shit i i don't know yeah but you have to be you know you're still prioritizing healing over stuff yeah i i do think that's what you should prioritize because the more even if he hates you and said like he it will help him heal faster and accept your decision by knowing that you're not interested in seeing him. Okay, I see what you're saying. And with that go-to, his sister keeps reaching out to me and I don't answer. I gave her the thank you for accepting me into your family.

I wish you guys all the best kind of thing, but it doesn't really end. And I just have not answered because it's just a lot I'm trying to process and stuff. But I don't know if I should send a final like, hey, just sorry, I'm sorry, this is just what I need to do now, which I've already said. So I don't really know what to do with that.

Yeah. Yeah, especially if you've already said it. Yeah. You don't need, like, you know, you sound like well on your way. You're doing all things right, right? Because a lot of people would fall trap to like, well, I don't want to be with them, but I still want to be the really likable girlfriend, you know? Yeah.

And that desire to be still liked by the family would result in you bending over backwards and having all these conversations even with the sister or the mom or whatever because you want to make sure that they actually side with you in the breakup. Yeah. And none of that really matters, which sounds like you know. So you've done enough. You've tried to – you said thank you. You've done the requirement. you've done enough you've tried to you said thank you you've done the requirement but like she's just he's using his sister to get a hold of you because you're standing your ground so i think you just keep holding a hard line with everyone and prioritize everyone healing

and everyone moving on they're having a hard time accepting your decision and that's all this is they're just not accepting your decision. And they're looking for hope. They're looking for... They're trying. And it's a little bit of desperation. And I empathize with them, but they will accept your decision faster by sticking to what you're already currently doing and not giving in. Okay. I just hate that guilt feeling. I hope goes away soon because it's so hard seeing him and his family trying to be like, this could still work even though I know it isn't, so I'm not really answering. And I feel awful, but I don't know what else to do. I mean, if you want to reply to his his sister one more time and to say, Hey,

I really appreciate it again. Again, thank you. But like, I just think it's best, you know, this is how I feel and I respect your family, but like, I just, I just want him to respect my choice. I want him to heal and be happy. I'm working on healing. I've moved on and they might hate you, but like, like whatever of course they're going to take his side that's you know their family so yeah i think you're doing a good job and i think you just need to keep doing it and and uh the stuff that you have none of which is irrepressible yeah and it definitely definitely have someone else but you get the stuff.

I think that will reaffirm your dedication to move on and hopefully help them accept it. It's just like they don't want... You've moved on. Only my books I really miss.

Not to close. All of which I'm sure you can get back somehow. Yes, for sure. Thank you. I mean, reasonably, you'll probably end up getting the stuff, but he will drag his feet. Okay. I don't mind if it takes long or never comes. I just didn't even want him to have to look at it all the time. Well, right now he's trying to weaponize it and use it to his advantage.

Yeah. He's trying to get you to talk to him again. Yeah. Okay. That's all that's happening. He's just desperate. You know? Yeah. And he just needs to accept it and this will help him do that. Alrighty. Well,

thank you for the advice. I guess I needed to hear that I'm doing okay. Yeah, it sounds like you're doing everything right, to be honest. And congrats on, you know, making the right decision for yourself. And I know it's hard and you'll get over it. And it sounds like you can leave this relationship

with no regrets because you probably tried harder and longer than you probably now realize you should have. And I wouldn't beat yourself up too hard about like believing in love. I think it's don't become too much of a cynic, you know? And now you can look for something else. You're still young.

You've learned a lot from this relationship and you can apply these skills to your next relationship and be fine. I think you should, overall, it sounds like you should feel pretty good about this whole experience despite it ending in a sad way. Yeah,

I have that relief a little bit of not worrying all the time anymore. Yeah, that's great. All right. Well,

best of luck on your future. Have a good one. All right, you too. Take care. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

Jamie. I'm 28. How can I help, Jamie? So I'm going to kind of give you a little background. And then I have two big questions that I just kind of want to get your perspective on. So I was in a relationship for a little over four years. And in the beginning, of course, things are great. And I knew really from the very beginning that this was somebody that I could see a future with because we had the same values. I really liked the way we resolved conflict. Like the big,

my big boxes that I want to get checked, he checked all those. Very early on in our relationship, one of the biggest things that we kind of always talked about was my physical affection. I'm not very affectionate. And it is something that I want to be, but I just wasn't. Question. Are you talking more like, you're not very affectionate, PDA, like holding hands and like caressing their arm or whatever, or you're not like that sexual? PDA.

PDA, okay. Holding hands, right. Like if we even said, if we were walking to a restaurant, like it's not, it doesn't feel natural. So physical touch isn't your love language, yeah. Right, but I want it to be. Okay. Anyway, so that was that part. Then about two years into our relationship, COVID happened.

And we weren't living together at the time. And all of a sudden, it was kind of like, he kind of gave me an ultimatum without giving me an ultimatum. That it was kind of like, I would like to move in together to, you know, take the next step in our relationship. Even before that, we had like gone and looked at rings. Okay. So initially I didn't want to, because I had set a boundary for myself that I had wanted that commitment before. And that was also something that, you know, my parents had for me as well. But I kind of felt the pressure that I have to move in or we're going to break up. And I don't want that to happen. So we move into an apartment. And again, I don't regret it. It was great. I love living together. And then I noticed that there is no talk about engagement. There is no talk about the future.

And I start building a lot of resentment because I compromised in living together. And again, there was no talk about engagement and I wasn't getting that commitment. And then the resentment starts setting in. So then about six months ago, we break up because he's unhappy. He feels like I don't show him that I love him in the relationship. And my whole thing is just about this engagement. So we break up. About a week later, he reaches out and we're like, you know what? Let's give this a go. He opens up about a lot about, you know, how he just wants me to show him that I love him and using the different love languages and all of that. So we're like, let's go all in and really work on this. So we do. And of course the first month

is great. And you've only broken up for a week, only a week. It's like the honeymoon, the honeymoon phase. Again, we're overly aware of, you know of making sure that we're doing everything for each other. And then, of course, real life happens again and we just kind of settle in. Are you still living with each other? Yes, we are. And when we broke up, he moved out his stuff and I was living there. And then he moved back in a week later. You didn't think maybe not to do that?

Not to move back in together? Yeah. I guess, no, not at the time, but wait, gets better. So we get back together again, things are great. And then things aren't great again, because I get back into, you know, I don't know, I guess the resentment, I, I, I'm not showing him that I love him. And, and I could tell that he's tell that he's not himself and he's unhappy. So then six months goes by from when we got back together the first time. And I said, that's it. We broke up. We were both very sad. We were like, I just wish things were different, but we have to go our separate ways. We're done. I'm not getting the commitment that I need and

I'm not giving you what you need. So that's it. He moved out. I lived there and I knew he closed that door and I was done. I was like, I have to be, I have to move on with my life. A month later, he reaches out again and comes by and he's like, I started seeing a therapist, which is amazing. I've seen one for years. I think that's great. therapist, which is amazing. I've seen one for years. I think that's great. And he's talking about how, you know, he's learning a lot about himself and he really feels like things would be different this time. If, you know, we shouldn't give up something so great, we really should work on things. So now here's my question. I have two things on my mind. First, I worry that, you know, I do want to be physically affectionate. I do want to be like that. And I don't know if it's me or I don't know if you could answer this, or maybe I'm just not

the right person. Have you always been this way though? It's hard to tell because he really is my first serious relationship. I was in a relationship before that, but it was nothing compared to this. So I can't really compare it. I mean, you were ready to get engaged to this guy. In fact, you were more than ready. You were just like waiting. You're just like, ah, come on, fucking ask me. Yes.

Yes. I know. I know. That's a little, I mean, I mean, there's a couple ways to look at that. One, it's nuts since it seems like you're just focused on the engagement without really even knowing how you felt about him here you are even wondering if you could be more affectionate with like literally anyone else

like i didn't even want to touch them but it's also totally possible you're just not that affection of a person right you know that's. So, and then my other question is like, at what point do you say like, let's throw in the towel? At what point you say like, I, I, I just worry that I'm throwing away something that could be really great. And, and there are so many great things that what's I'm just not a care. It's just not a curiosity. I mean, yes, we are big advocates for anyone getting therapy is just routine maintenance. But when he said it, he's like, hey, I'm getting therapy. And I'm just curious in your mind, what did you think he needed therapy for?

He has a very hard time with communicating his needs. Something will bother him and it'll just be like, it's fine. And then it's not fine. And then it, you know, weeks and months go by and then it becomes this big thing that Right. Exactly. Okay. Exactly. He, he is very hard with confrontation. I wouldn't say confrontation, but just opening up about anything really. Are you good with confrontation? I don't enjoy confrontation, but I've, even when we got back together the first time, we would set a weekly, a day every week to just sit down and talk about whatever happened that week so that things wouldn't build up. So when you say, when you said we did that,

did we do that? Or did you, was it your idea that you ensured that you both did it was my idea and it's funny you say that because I like put a reminder on my phone every week and every time it went off on my phone like I'm just like you know what I'm gonna wait an hour see if he remembers that we're gonna do it because we did it every same day every week so you wanted him to remember your idea after a while like in the beginning I was always the one being like okay let's sit down let's do every same day, every week. So you wanted him to remember your idea? After a while, like in the beginning, I was always the one being like, okay, let's sit down. Let's do this. And then after a while, I'm like, wait a minute, why am I always the one having to like remind you that we do this on, on Sunday? You know, he would never, he would never initiate it. Am I, am I wrong for that? Uh, Wrong? I don't, you know, like,

those relationships are complicated. You had this idea. You were doing what you thought was best for a relationship, you know? Right. It's a bit rigid. It works for you. It might not work for him, you know?

True. In terms of communication styles and how he works through his emotions. Like, what if you don't you don't have anything to say? Also, I'm not even telling you sure or believe that you weren't... You might have been doing it knowing or you feel like he's not good at communicating.

So here you schedule a weekly check-in so that you can get an update on how he's feeling. So it's like you were doing it for you, not necessarily for the relationship. You wanted him to remember. Yes. So you know what I'm saying? You're putting a lot of pressure on him. And I'm not saying necessarily you're doing anything wrong

because your needs aren't being met either, right? So I understand why you feel the way you did. But this is how things can snowball right have you guys had couples therapy before so that was another thing when we got back together the second time and i you know i noticed things were kind of going south again i suggested this was before he was seeing a therapist i suggested why don't we go to couples therapy together and it it was, he was very like, no, I don't, you know, you really think we're at that point. I'm like, first of all, I don't believe you have to be in a bad place to go to couples therapy. I think it's very healthy, but at the same time, yeah, I do think that it would be great for us. And it was, he didn't want to. Now, of course the story's changed. Now he's

coming around. He's like, well, let's go to therapy now. That's where we're at. How old are you guys again? How old are you? 28. How old is he? 28. Okay, so you're like adults. If you listen to this show, you know I'm not a huge advocate for continuing to get back together with your

ex. You guys still care about each other. I'm not hearing any like big red flags or real bad toxic behavior it could just be as simple as you guys need to figure out and learn how to communicate

more effectively with each other and a couple therapists could really help with that right? I think it's great that I think if one person is going to therapy and the other person is not, I think it's important that they go to therapy before you do couples therapy,

but he is. And so great. That's potentially good. I mean, I think it was silly for you guys to break up for a week and get back together and move back in with each other when the very thing, you know, when you, you were building resentment solely on the fact that you had told yourself at

some point in your life, I'm not going to live with a guy without a proposal. And then you compromised that boundary that you had. And, you know, it would be nuts for him to propose to you simply because you had this boundary, which people do all the time. Right. Thank God he didn't propose to you because clearly you guys have communication issues. I think you should remember that though.

All this resentment you built up for him and not asking you right now, we're all appreciative of the fact that he did it and i think you need to be careful you know to to not set these artificial deadlines and timelines and they get frustrated at yourself and your partner because things aren't going the way you planned and then you project your frustration onto him yeah because that's that's totally dead on that's that's how i am with i am a very big planner and i was you know i'm upset that things didn't you know go the way that i had planned for my life yeah well but i i think welcome to life

yeah i know exactly i i think just like the other biggest thing is just like the physical part of it like I just wish because I know he wants that and I know that's a big thing and that I can't help you with because if you're saying you know I haven't dated a lot of other people there's nothing to go off of

yeah also like you're out in the world do you have this burning sensation to walk up to men and touch them like you know like are you but I'm serious it's like you don't I don't know if you need to date other

people to know that like you like to be touched or you like to touch people you're affectionate with i think if you're someone who like likes physical touch that's just kind of who you are innately you know i'm not saying you're going around touching everybody you know when it's appropriate but when you're an affectionate you're physically physically affectionate. My brother has always been a hugger, you know, with his siblings, with his friends, he's in a physically affectionate person. You know, it's just who he is as a person. It might not be who you are. You know, that, that would be something you guys could work through in therapy, potentially. Right. You know, so it, is it silly to break up and get back together and change and do nothing different? Yes. And that's what, it sounds like what you

guys have been doing differently. He has to acknowledge that like, it's not fair to turn down suggestions of ways to work on the relationship and only be willing to do it when you're willing to walk away. That's not fair to you. It's not necessarily fair to him that you're getting frustrated with him because he's not remembering the things that you wanted to do that he never wanted to do in the first place. And you only wanted to do them because you were trying to overcompensate for something he's not good at. It would have been like him scheduling weekly meetings for you to like touch him you know right and hold his hand and you want you know what i'm saying like this literally what

right and imagine how annoying that would be that you didn't like remember and then he built up resentment because he didn't remember the task that he came up with for you to work on your weaknesses right that's true so i just don't think, yeah, you guys, it should all be a we and a team and it should be, you guys are connected and you know, there's the individuals, right? There's you, there's him, and then there's the relationship. And I think it seems like right now you two are more focused on your individual needs and and and want the individual needs to be met right and if they're met then you guys will be happy in the relationship but the relationship needs to be met the needs of the relationship like there's you two a part of one relationship

and how does those needs as the relationship get met? And you guys are struggling with that. And yes, it seems like if it were to work, it would require some therapy. Okay. I really appreciate your help. My pleasure. And in the future, just be careful about deciding you want something and forcing it to happen

because it doesn't make anyone happy. All right. Take care. All right. Thank you. Thanks for calling. All right. Take care. All right. Thank you. Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Bye. My pleasure. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And on Wednesday, we learn all about dreams, baby.

Dreams, dreams, dreams with world-renowned dream expert, Ian Wallace.