The Viall Files - E358 Ask Nick - The Fantasy Always Ends

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Today on another Ask Nick, we dive into the world of situationships, relationships, and everything in-between. Our first caller talks about their upcoming trip home to their hometown, where each year, they meet up with the same boy to share a kiss on a park bench. Now, they wonder how they can take things to the next level after they have done this for over ten years. Our next caller recounts a romcom moment and a potential kiss in the rain. Now, they wonder if these theatrics are romantic or more so stemming from this man not understanding love in a mature way. Our last caller tries to reconnect with a friend after her secret relationship betrayed the trust of her friend group. Now, she wonders if enough time has passed to try to repair friendships, or if the moment has passed.  “Did he actually say that, or are you thinking for him?” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Luminess: Go to http://www.BreezeAirbrush.com/Viall to get 50% off their airbrush makeup system PLUS free shipping! Pill Club: Go to http://www.ThePillClub.com/Viall to get your first birth control care package and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control.  Wondery: Follow “Harsh Reality: The Story of Miriam Rivera” on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or you can listen early and ad free by joining Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wonders App.   Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to a very exciting episode of asthnic vile files edition does it vile files asthnic edition i don't know whatever you're exciting episode of Ask Nick, Vile Files Edition. Visit Vile Files, Ask Nick Edition. I don't know. Whatever. You're here. That's what's important. I'm joined by Amanda. Skeleton Crew. Where are you? Oh, I'm in Boston right now. Great. And Allie's like

on stage somewhere? Allie is in Minnesota shooting something for ABC. Oh. It's a reenactment for like a crime documentary. Allie is going to play one of the characters in a murder mystery, basically, who's a reenactment for a crime documentary. Allie is going to play one of the characters in a murder mystery, basically, who's a real-life person. Awesome. So it's not like the local theater?

No, no. I think it's a big national shoot that just happens to be the location is in Minnesota. Great. Congratulations, Allie. Yeah, shout out to Allie. She is really, sometimes she'll say stuff and I'll be like, ah, yes, you are being an actor in LA. You know, like she'll do like the, the, my agent kind of thing. And it's very cool to watch her, to watch someone being an actor without actually having to try to be an actor.

Yeah. Well, I was Boston. What's new with you? Like I yelled at someone at the airport. I was kind of like a Karen. Why? It was very nice. A girl I'm seeing drove me to the airport. Right when we got there, we started to have a conversation that seemed a little bit more

define-y. On the way to the airport? Yeah. What a terrible time. Yeah, it was terrible timing. I don't think we actually meant to. It just sort of came up and then we were like, oh no, it's happening. And then it was basically like the whole thing was that we were both,

she was sort of like, I want to take it slow. But the way she said it, I did not know. I was like, okay, is she trying to date other people? I was just very unsure. So I enter the airport at 10.30 at night feeling like I have nothing to lose. I think you just gave me a TikTok idea. What?

I think you just gave me a TikTok idea. What is it? Or are you going to turn into Nick's TikTok? You might see it now. Why does taking it slow have to mean dating other people? Honestly, it didn't like it did like

some version of that because people always like that's the first thing we think of it's like like that people no one said no one no one like says i want to do other people they always say i want to take it slow it's like we could take it slow and only focus on each other but anyways yeah it's like how related do you think the pacing of your relationship with one person versus the number of people that you were hooking up with? To what degree do you think those two things are super connected? Do you think it's effective to

be dating other people if you're trying to take it slow? No. I think we're all doing it wrong. I think we use it as an excuse but taking it slow means you're talking about the relationship, whatever relationship you're speaking of, like you and the new girl.

So she's not saying, I want to take it slow in my life. She's saying, I want us to take it slow. And so she's referring to the relationship. And so I think that's what most people are referring to. That's what they hear, especially if you're the person on the receiving end. Like you heard, I want us to take it slow. I think I heard ambiguity.

And so I catastrophized because I was like, I think it's so, and that's where I feel like so often. I think that's why we wonder though, right? But it does make a huge difference if I feel like I'm on your team and I don't know if you're on my team. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like that's really like, it only is relevant as it relates to like the opportunity cost that each person is either like foregoing or trying to double down on. I think they're

two very different conversations. Yeah. Well, moral of the story, she actually, she really didn't say anything. And like all of the stuff she was saying was incredibly emotionally mature. And like, so like after the fact she said, like, she just like was like, Hey, just wanted to like clarify what I meant. And it was really like all like super emotionally mature,

responsible stuff about her wanting to like ensure she's in the, like the right place and like nothing to do with like dating other people necessarily. But I, there was a man who was being really, really mean to the TSA officer, like so arrogant. He was like,

he was trying to jam his stuff on, like TSA guy was like, hey, like it moves automatically like can you not do that? This guy's not listening. He like keeps jamming. And so finally like the TSA guy was like, hey, I understand that like you don't care about this but like you're making my job really hard, like can you

please stop? This dude like slams it so hard. Yes, the TSA guy, and like for record like usually don't see that type of vulnerability from tsa yes i was like this is like the nicest tsa man in the world like he is not here to wield power he is literally just here to like get his paycheck not be a dick to anyone and leave and this dude was being a monster and then at the end like so it was whatever he like slammed the tsa guy's finger i was like, this is like what I don't need to get involved in this. And then as we're going, I hear this dude go, I can't find my second laptop.

Where's my second laptop? And then he like is freaking out. He's yelling at everyone. And then he looks at the TSA guy after he finds it and is like, excuse me, what's your name? And the TSA guy is like, whatever, like tells him his name. He's like, excuse me, you look me in the eye when you're on the job. And then he walks away. And I was like, you know who's not on the job?

Me. I got so mad. I was like, how dare you? Did you say who knows who's not on the job? No, what I said was, I was like, what's your problem? And I think he was really surprised because he was like, why is this random girl talking to me? He looked kind of hopeful at first.

And I was like, what's your problem? How old do you think this guy was? He was like, I want to say like a douchey 28. Oh, God. He was like a real piece of work. Would we have been a bus? I don't want to say a pass, but if he was like an older guy where it's like, you know know maybe you're just like things

aren't going your way you know I don't know like maybe you're just like grumpy and older you know yeah then it's like it's sad and it's not fun for anyone but it's not like but when it's a young person you're like you have no reason to behave like this you have not been hardened by the world

you have two laptops yeah like chill out man I didn't and then I was like he was like what are you talking about and i was like you didn't have to be such a fucking dick to that guy you said that i like really i like and he was like he was he was just like mind your own business like he like wasn't trying to engage he just like was there an audience at this point no but did. I said it loud enough. And we were sort of like, it was like at the part of LAX where you go through security and then there's stairs up to the gates.

So we were sort of like on a balcony, like sort of like in the sound of music. Yeah, there is a very. I feel like it was kind of public. And I was also, I was not trying to keep my voice down because I was like, you're behaving terribly.

And I never like yell at people for stuff like that, but something about the headspace I was in was I was like, he can't get away with this. There's no reason. After he told you to mind your own business, what was his body language after? Could you tell that you kind of embarrassed him and put him on the spot? No.

Like this dude, Martin vibes out the wazoo, like no self-awareness. And then I, so then I like. Martin vibes. I don't remember. No, like absolute, like total, total tool who just seems like the kind of guy who like, I don't know, just like makes a woman like split the check if she's not going to hook up with him on the date. You know what I mean? Like decides whether or not to pay for the date before being like, so are we going back to mine? Like just like bad, bad man. And then at one point

he was like, so then I started walking. So I was like, okay, that was unhinged Amanda. You don't usually do this, but we did that. I don't have a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it. Did you feel good about yourself or were you embarrassed? I felt good because he was like, well, I hope you catch your flight. And I was like, I hope you find happiness because right now you're making it everyone's problem that you don't have it. And then I laughed. So I was proud of myself for that. Because sometimes you just open your mouth and you hope it comes out and it sounds okay. You can feel good that you hurt him. I don't mean you're not supposed to feel good that you hurt him. I don't mean like you're not supposed to feel good that you hurt him,

but like you left an impression. There's just no way that he, you saying that to him, didn't like get underneath his skin. You know what I'm saying? He might've pretended he didn't care. But I hope he like thinks about what he's done because it's like, I just think like that.

That probably won't happen. We've all had a bad day where you get a little cranky with a barista or whatever and you're just like, this is not your fault kind of thing. What you're describing is really aggressive

behavior. It was the way that he was like, you're on the job, you look me in the eye. That really disgusted me. It was such, you're on the job, you look me in the eye, that really disgusted me. It was such a, I don't know, very similar to being rude to the waiter of I have a higher

status than you, I'm in a position of power over you while you're on the job. You work for me. Also, why would you piss off a TSA agent? I'm pretty sure he could have you searched in a really extensive way. Yeah, it's a brazen approach. I'm always like, even when I don't,

I'm not smuggling anything, but I'm always like, what I don't want is my shit to be searched because it's just a waste of time. It's like, even when I'm not doing anything, I am nervous at TSA. I'm never doing it. I'm not even nervous.

It's just like, I don't want to be pulled aside and have them go through my bag and just be like, oh, fuck. At any moment, they're going to be like, all right, buddy. You know what? We're going to search your shit. Makeup. Something I know a lot about. Here's what I know.

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so you'll have to bear with us on the release dates because we have a late night. We will be recapping the finale and AFR with the wonderful Elizabeth Wagmeister, who has joined us before from Variety and breaking down all things finale. And then, literally afterwards, we assume Brandon will be joining us,

the runner up. Maybe it'll be Nate, but we're going to assume Brandon. After AFR, he will be getting in a car. And while we are recapping, driving over to the studio, and then I will interview Brandon and we will get these episodes out

as soon as they are ready. So look for those both on Wednesday and you can listen to them on your commute home for the holidays. If you're there yet, if you're on your way and if not, we'll, we'll have them ready for you. So big week ahead. Other than that, don't forget to send your questions at asknickacastme.com cast with a K for these episodes. Be sure to send them in, send in your holiday questions or, you know, if they're not holiday themed, that's fine. We'll still take them. And other than that, let's get to our callers.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. What's your name? Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. What's your name?

My name is Lizzie and I'm 26 years old. How can I help Lizzie? Oh, well, I'm writing in because it's almost time for my annual situationship to occur. So I'm currently living in a big city right now and the man in this story is also living in a big city but on the opposite side of the country so like new york and la uh without saying yes very very close to yes okay but i mean they're big cities. I feel like you're okay. Yes, we're in the big cities. But we're from the same hometown, which is a small town, just smaller than where we are. But we go back every holiday and we meet up every single Christmas since I was 15 years old. This guy was my first kiss. I was a freshman in high school and he was a sophomore. And the situation is we always cared about each other, but we never

ended up dating. We never have done anything other than make out, but we've dated other people. We've both been in serious relationships. We've both been in love for sure, but, um, not, I guess with each other, you're giving me like a cringe face. Why is that so cringe to say? I mean, it's all, I think because I'm a little worried that I'm over romanticizing my relationship with this person. that I'm over romanticizing my relationship with this person. Probably. That's what I figured you'd say. I mean, and that's, so what? I know, but it feels so real when we're together.

And I don't know. What feels real? Like, what do you mean? Describe your feeling it feels like the most comfortable i've ever felt and i feel like you only see him once a year for the most part yeah what do you mean for the most part what what exceptions have there been um i mean we used to hang out more when we both lived in that same hometown like it was only maybe the past like four or five years that we've lived in different cities and that just so happened

to be the only time that we saw each other and there's been opportunities to like visit but when COVID hit that was really tough and I think also just like realistically we both understand that we haven't spent enough time together to date or anything like that like that's not the expectation but I'm having a hard time letting go of it or having anyone else compare to him at this point how often do you guys talk we talk when like there's something to say like it's not like good morning starshine like nothing like that which is not something i'm really like into anyway has anyone ever has anyone ever called you starshine i don't talk about it not that anyone i let not anyone i love you had a guy

call you starshine before they get creative these days nick they. They really do. Starshine. Weird. Um, all right. Um, so like what, I mean, what's, what's your question?

You just wanted me to know if, if I think you're romanticizing it. I don't want to like have these big feelings for him and like, like maybe discuss, like we've had a discussion about like going to the same city at some point. I don't know if that's all talk, talk, talk,

no bite. You know what I mean? I mean, you've known this guy since you were 15. Yeah. You talk about having this incredible comfort with someone and yet, and yet you act like you have this incredibly complicated situation. That's to me, doesn't sound all that

complicated. You're implying that throughout these years, despite, you know, you've known him for so long, a big, I mean, hell, almost half your life. Yeah. And yet you don't talk a ton you talk when it you know something comes up and yet you're like what so what is your read on it like have do you think he feels just as quote-unquote comfortable around you or you're just you have no idea so when we're together he's very good at making me seem like the distance is like the only thing really stopping us from like exploring. How does he do that? Because I brought it up. I don't want to like, I don't know.

I'm not going to be like, so what are we? You know, I'm just like, I'm not going to do that. But we've had a discussion of like, what would this look like if we were to be in the same city? And he's like, we would like we would be dating. And he said, obviously obviously let's all talk yeah yeah no it's very like the feelings are there like it's there but we're not in the same city and i'm just thinking is this just like an emotional thing he's just trying to get from me like i'm a gas pump is there a connection is there one question you know is there even

anything there you have these like feelings that come up when you see them. And like, by definition, you're clearly romanticizing it just because, you know, you're just not seeing them all that much and you've done them for so long. And clearly there's something there. But when it sounds like when we talk about it, there really isn't a lot of, there really isn't a lot there. You know what I'm saying? Because you only see him once a year. You only talk to him a handful of times throughout the year. You know, he certainly

has said, yeah, if we were in the same city, we'd be dating. But you recognize that's pretty easy to say because you know you're not in the same city, you know? And do you even really know if he's the type of guy who would say that because he knows you're not in the same city and it's fun to say and you know and so and then the second question is all right let's assume that he is sincere, right? That he feels the exact same way about you. He's talking to his buddies and been like, this girl is 15 and we get together. I don't know. Honestly, I'm dating all these chicks and all these apps and it's fine.

I meet them and I have a fling here and I have a fling there and I've been in love, but I always come back to this girl. But we're in a different city. He could be saying the same thing as you and except neither of you I mean by neither of you I'm only talking to you you're not even saying to

me I would be willing to make him a priority if I felt like he was willing to make me a priority essentially realistically I could move anywhere it might not be my first choice you know if I felt like he was willing to make me a priority. I couldn't, essentially, realistically, I could move anywhere. It might not be my first choice. You know, if I'm only thinking about me,

I would move to Miami. But if I was thinking about this relationship, I can live in LA. I don't know if I'd live in LA, you know, on my own, but like, it's a cool, you know what I'm saying? Like people do that shit all the time, right? So the question is, the first question you would have to ask yourself

before even worrying about what he thinks, if you got what you wanted from him, would you be willing to do what it would require to make that relationship work? In the early 2000s, millions of households across the world tune in to watch contestants battle for the last rose or to be a final survivor on the island. Reality TV was beginning to dominate the airwaves and every show needed to a multi-million dollar lawsuit in media fallout impacted the lives of Miriam and the contestants

and changed the rules of reality TV forever. Follow Harsh Reality, the story of Miriam Rivera on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or you can listen early, ad-free by joining Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. If the worst thing that you ever are known for is having feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same about you, all you are is human. You're just like literally everyone else. Everyone has been in that position. And it's attractive, I honestly think, to be vulnerable enough to just put yourself out there and still get rejected. It gets weird and creepy when you don't accept the rejection. So if you put yourself out there and say,

hey, listen, Ryan, whatever the fuck his name is, we've been together, you see him in the holidays and you're like fuck it i'm just gonna put it out there i think about you all the fucking time and like we've said we're in the same city and like i don't know about you i've been on all i've been on all the apps i've and like what if what if we decided to make each other a priority that's what i'm saying like i'm down but i'm i'm scared i'm so scared okay what's the worst that could happen putting yourself out there is not unattractive okay okay oh god this is not why do you why do you think he's been holding on

like it just 10 years seems like a very dramatic number and i get it that like i'm available when he does call kind of thing like i get it that i'm there and like why not like he's having like we're having a good time it's a it's a great day every time we do but like that's a really long time doesn't he know that like this is maybe being romanticized to me a little bit like i don't know this guy you're like why is he doing this and i'm like i don't fucking know like i don't like nick you know and and like the only you listen you're afraid of rejection you have an ego you have pride you are you know it's like you're just you're the kid who's afraid of jumping in the pool because you know it's going to be a little bit a little bit cold and like it's just not going to kill you you know and that's you're just like just jump in get wet see what happens and i think yeah i think i'm a little scared too just because

like i don't want to mess up a good thing type of thing and i get it what's the good thing you you've made out? Yeah. It's not even like, you're not even like, we have the best sex once a year. You don't understand for girls. We're used to like the guys only wanting sex.

So like when he just like wants to kiss me and like, that's enough at the park, our little bench, like that every year to look forward to, you have no idea what that does to a girl like it is he has to know come on i don't think so oh nicholas okay i mean it's just a well yeah i mean you're literally i mean truly romanticizing a moment i know and like yeah a park bench it's cute certainly like you can like go to bed and dream about and fantasize about your rom-com moment.

But like, whatever, you know? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, is kissing at a park bench good enough for you? Is that? No. Okay. So, you know, you do like, it's been fun. You know what I'm saying yeah you've exhausted this

little fantasy this cute little like rom-com moment with the boy you went to high school with but now you need to grow up see if you can take it a step further and right and yeah what you are the only thing you're risking is this little cute moment that you really have come to enjoy. Yeah. I know. Whatever. You got to move on from that. Yeah, I don't think he is.

I don't. Who knows? I don't know this guy. But there's a good chance he's not like, can't wait for that park bench. And like, you know, like, do you think there's any chance? And I don't mean that, like that he could be like a fuck boy, like just in his life or like having sex, dating casually meets a girl, has a couple of dates, has some sex. They move on. They kind of, you know, they're like, ah, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. And maybe he's been fucked boyed by a couple of girls. And he's, you boyed by a couple girls and he's you know what i'm saying like do you think there's a chance he's like that or do you think he's like

mr just waiting for the one no okay he's he's definitely had long-term girlfriends i know that they are getting busy for sure and i know that he's very suave like he's very he's i mean a very very likable guy like everyone likes him i have all the girls like him you know he he's out there for sure so it i think like when it comes to like us like why we haven't taken that next step is we're literally in a park like it's like the annual spot after 10 years it's not going to be in a car you know what i mean like absolutely not why not so why not like a house or because we're staying at our parents house you know oh i don't know i mean this is very high school ish and i know we're kind of stuck

we've all hooked up in our parents basements while hoping mom and dad don't walk down the stairs so like if you're If you're looking to extend this rom-com moment, there you go. I know. I know. I haven't tried any of that, but he hasn't either, so maybe he's not

like that. When you're making out on the park bench, is it just a little peck? No. It's legit. It's a hard makeout yeah yeah is there heavy petting is there just like like a full embrace or like there's yes yes and then it just what i got awkwardly stops it's just like a goodbye you know what i mean like we save it for the end and we wait every year you hang out you go to a

movie you like go get ice cream and then like as you're like departing you're like let's go and is this is this a warm weather climate like is this out in the snow it's not snow it's um our hometown is on the west coast and we basically yeah we meet up at our local park we have a bench and like a little jungle gym we bring a board game and we play we hang out we romp around and then we leave that's it yeah i mean this is it's definitely a fantasy and that's what it's what's interesting is like you guys in this in some ways cute and in some ways weird have been like have been like preserving this moment you know the fact that like it's kind of cute that like you do this thing as like this ritual or this kind of routine

right and i can understand why it's something you guys look forward to. And listen, if that's, you know, maybe you just hang on to this. That's what I was going to ask you next is like, maybe do I just allow it to be this nice little moment thing? Well, either way, it's going to end someday, right? Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Or, or, I take it now.

Imagine you get in a boyfriend and you're like, hey, listen, like, here's this thing. I got this buddy and we play board games. someday right like you know what i'm saying yeah or imagine you get a boyfriend you're like hey listen like here's this thing i got this buddy and we play board games but like don't worry we've never dated we've never had sex but like you know it's gonna end so i mean yeah well that's the thing is like we've had relationships and then we just are respectful of it when it does like we'll still hang out and like our partners usually didn't know like i know it sounds really weird but like yeah like you're like so you're like this person so you're not totally respectful imagine being on the flip side of that

right you know like so every every holiday season you get together in a park with games and you romp around whatever the fuck that is fly fly kites, I don't know. And then when you're single, you have a heavy, passionate makeout where there's some like heavy petting and like, you know, like when you're kind of like scratching each other's back and feeling like you can't get enough of one another,

you know, and then you say goodbye. And then when you're in a relationship, you do all of that, but the make out and heavy petting and imagine you being the flip side of that and he's like but babe we don't make out anymore but we still get together you would be pissed you'd be like what the fuck like congratulations you know so listen i i do think the mature adult thing to do would be to acknowledge that this was fun. It was a fun little childish,

but young adult thing to do. And maybe there's something there. And now you guys need to take the leap of faith. Someone's need to put himself out there it might as well be you and but I think more importantly you actually need to think to yourself

are you honestly willing to do what you like to make this work would require some sacrifice on both of your parts but before you worry about him are you actually willing to do that if i i don't know i have a very logical rational side of my brain and despite my very best efforts, the other half is a true romantic. So if it were to be met halfway, I would do it just because I do value that. And I do believe in making decisions around people you love sometimes.

Not all the time, but I do believe in that. Fully knowing that you could date for six months to a year. I mean, you know five percent about this guy i'm just throwing out a number but you know you you know far less than you know yeah you know you have filled in the gaps of all the things you want to believe who he is but like you have no idea yeah yeah and i know that i think it's just like i know enough where it's like i really am interested in knowing more like and i get the feeling that he does too but we're not making any strides the biggest thing is you just have to get over yourself yeah and accept that if you take a risk, there is a greater chance you'll be disappointed than having this end up in marriage.

Right? Because that's the end game. And if you get disappointed, you get disappointed. You move on. You adapt. You learn. You love. You cry.

And you move on. It just feels so much bigger than it actually is like talking about it obviously like helps me and that's why we do it that's why we talk but goddamn i i think you should go for it what is so what is so bad about that have you have you guys talked recently in anticipation for the romping oh yeah you know it there's always some rapport building right before for sure you should just text him right now and be like wild mean i mean i'm kidding but no don't yeah see you can't tell me that stuff because like i'll do it like oh i mean also if you do do it like fuck it who gives a shit i mean go get somewhere like i mean or or say you know like i mean at this point realistically before you think about like drastically changing your life plans and potentially considering like moving to a

city you wouldn't otherwise move to see if there's real chemistry okay i'm nervous about having sex with him though if i'm already romanticizing this now like giving more of myself to him with like the effort he's been putting in like a i don't necessarily want to reward that i don't want to like be like you can have all of this with the amount of you're giving me like that what are you giving him versus what he's giving you i don't understand i don't know you're right you're right. You're right. No, that's a good reminder is like, I'm not doing much more. You have this fantasy with this guy.

It's a very structured fantasy. And you have unknowns about your physical chemistry. You have unknowns about your emotional chemistry and connection. And so you have to start somewhere, right? It is a greater risk to have that next step be sex, right? Because you don't have an emotional connection. So if you guys give into the moment and hook up, he as a guy will be evaluating the sex, right? And you might blow his mind

or it might just be like pretty good sex with, you know, sprinkled in with some like awkwardness of, and like you, what you guys have going against you is the buildup. The buildup usually doesn't like, you know, it makes things stressful and awkward and you're in your head. And that doesn't mean you don't have physical chemistry. It just means like the buildup kind of is affecting things. Right? You can get through it, whatever. But like the other option is to build,

start building an emotional connection. Start building a relationship with this guy outside of the fantasy that you guys have created. And you work with what you have and you start texting more and you like plan a FaceTime date. You have a rapport with this guy. He's not some stranger.

You play this or that. You talk about each other's day. You look forward to... People have built relationships over being across the country and looking forward to ending and starting their day with talking to the person that they want to talk to most. And how was your day? And tell me about work. And you're on FaceTime.

And then you watch your favorite rom-com together and you stare at the moon and you're like, we're looking at the same moon even though we're like miles apart. You know, you're that bullshit. And then you see if there's an emotional connection, you know, and you build a foundation

so that when you do have sex and it's a little bit of awkwardness and a little bit of like, whatever, you're still like, I'm still excited. I still want to hang out with you next day and let's have sex again. And then it's a lot less awkward and it's a lot less, you know, like stressful. And it's just about like building that foundation. So now you're right. You kind of have to grow up a little bit when it comes to this situation and and say no to the the fantasy the fantasy is eventually going to end i guess i didn't realize up until this point how scared i was yeah of like that potential you know so recognize it's going to end so now you can can control how it ends. It can end with you

shooting your shot and the worst part being your ego being rejected and you move on. Or it can end with none of you doing anything. Maybe you find someone, maybe he finds someone, but either way, in the back of your mind, you will always be wondering, and that will be a little bit of regret. And I'm personally someone who thinks regret is like the worst thing to have about anything in this one life we have to live. Like, you know, I would rather be rejected than wonder what if. Oh, there it is. What if? Oh, there it is.

I think you should start building an emotional connection via technology that is afforded to you. Maybe hook up. And then either way, at the end of this holiday season, you'll have shot your shot. And then you will reach back out to us one way or the other and tell us how it went. I'll tell you how it goes. Yeah, you'll get an update for sure.

All right. And then you'll come back on and let us know. And you'll either be really excited or you'll come on and cry and then we'll be fine and you'll move on. All right. We're about to find out who are the romantics and who are the skeptics in the world

just by this story. That's for sure. All right. But really go for it. Get over yourself. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, you really helped me with that. Thank you. All right. This made me feel so much better. All right. But really go for it. Get over yourself. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, you really helped me with that. Thank you. All right. This made me feel so much better.

All right. Seriously. Thank you. All right. Well, take care. Happy holidays. Good luck. Happy holidays. All right. Let us know. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm Brandice and I'm 29 years old. How can I help? So I have known my crush. He's 26 for about 11 years. It's kind of a little bit of a complicated, messy past, but I'll do my best. So he was 15? Yeah. So we were young when we met.

So kind of like families have known each other for a really long time. And you were 18? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So I was actually in a relationship at the time. Everything was, we were just kind of friends. Our families knew each other. So I always had a crush on him. I kind of felt that he had a crush on me as well, but nothing ever happened. Just this past summer, we reunited at a a wedding so we haven't been in touch in years and all of a sudden we're just kind of back in each other's lives we have a really close mutual

friend so I ended up telling my friends who had gotten married that I had always had a crush on him and they were blown away they said there's no way he had always had a crush on him. Um, and they were blown away. They said, there's no way he's always had a crush on you. Uh, I should probably say that he is, he had just gotten back with his, um, girlfriend right before the wedding. Uh, so he is in a relationship. So after the wedding, uh, it's really good to see each other. He ended up messaging me, um, and saying that he had missed me. It was so good to have me like back in his life um and so we just kind of chatted back and forth um a night with friends i was kind of convinced to uh tell uh him that i had a crush on him uh so i did i messaged him and i said i have a crush on you um and kind of have for a long time uh he reciprocated. He said a lot of really bold things.

He said, I've always wanted you. I've always liked you. I would leave any relationship for you. You're my dream girl. Just a lot of really bold things. So I said, why don't we just kind of take a step back? You evaluate your situation that you're in and then we can talk.

Okay, so fast forward. I was over at our mutual friend's house and he ended up showing up and it kind of progressed to us talking about the situation with our friends. And he said that he felt that he had made the first move by messaging me, even though he was in a relationship. So it was kind of confusing to me.

And so he, alcohol was involved. And he said that he had nowhere. So we had been drinking. Like we had been drinking at my friend's place. So wait, he came over to your friend's house? Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Well, I was there. So after the wedding, he messaged you. It was nice to see you. You're like, I have feelings for you. He's like, oh my God, I have feelings for you too. He said some more shit. He said, well, you're in a relationship, so go figure your shit out. And then a couple of weeks later, you guys ended up at your friend's house together while

you were drinking? Yeah. Exactly. And then you're drinking and then he was like, and then you're drinking and then he was like and then what you called him out for like like what's up you checked in and he's like so my friends actually did uh so our mutual friend kind of looked and he was just like okay you know do you have feeling for feelings for brandy um and he said yes and then he asked me and i said yes um so we're both just kind of

sitting there and he goes well then i'm confused like i don't know what you guys are doing here like you're unhappy in your relationship you looked at my like my crush and said like you said basically no like um our friend said this to him he said like you're unhappy like you complain to me all the time you're unhappy like you have the girl that you've been into for years and years and years, finally telling you that she likes you. Basically, do what you need to do. So tensions ran high. And I eventually said,

Okay, I'm actually going to go walk your dog and just walk away from the situation. What do you mean tensions ran high? It got awkward? Yeah, it got awkward. I felt like in in that moment we were both really put on the spot um it's nothing that we had ever like addressed in person i just had always been kind of over messaging up until that point so i uh went took their dog for like our friend's dog uh for a walk and and my crush ended up saying, okay, I'll join you.

So we went on a walk and we just kind of talked and he said, what's your timeline look like? Are you expecting me to break up with her and get into a relationship with you? And I said, no, that's not my expectation. I said, I understand that there's a grieving period there that you need to find yourself. And how long has he been dating this chick?

They've been dating almost four years, but they were broken up for a little bit and they just got back together before the summer. I told him that obviously he could take the time that he needed to grieve that relationship and that even if we just kind of continued

to get to know each other, that it's been a while since we've been in each other's lives. I just don't really understand his question. His question? When he was like, what are your... Like, he's the one with the girlfriend. And why is he asking your expectations of...

I think he was basically trying to tell me that he's not okay to just jump into something with me right away. That he would need time in between his relationship. Did he actually say that or are you thinking for him? I'm thinking for him. He didn't actually say that. Yeah. I'd be careful doing that. Okay. It's a little risky. But he said, he asked you what his timeline, your timeline is. Yeah. Yeah. So anyways, I'll kind'll fast forward to the big thing that happened.

So we ended up going back into our friend's house. And he said, okay, can I spend the night? And they said, no, sorry. I think they were being troublemakers a little bit. And they said, no, we don't have any clean sheets for our spare bedroom. You're not going to be able to stay here. And my friend goes, oh, but you know, Brandy has a spare room.

You can go stay at her place. So I was like, okay. So he ended up, we ended up coming back over to my place, talking for a long time, just kind of rehashing everything out about the way that we felt and kind of how things had gone from the time we knew each other

when we were young till now and how our lives have kind of led up. And he, we were just about to go upstairs. And he said, I think it's I should, I should leave. And I'm like, Okay, yeah, no, I think that that's like, probably a good choice. So he leaves, my phone goes off about a minute later, he had texted me and he said, I had to leave because I knew that I would kiss you. And I said, OK, that's probably a good thing then that you left because I would have wanted the same thing. So not even a minute later, he shows up at my door standing in the rain. Like, it was crazy.

He's standing there and he looks at me and he says, how can you say that to me? And I said, what do you mean? Like, you know how I feel about you. Like, I's best to say what to you that i wanted him to kiss me too and so i mean this all sounds like uh to be honest if i'm being honest yes it sounds very high school thank you i think it does too like and this is where I'm wondering. So he literally charges in, kisses me. He did. He did. It was like this rom-com movie moment where he's standing in the rain, professing his feelings,

charges in, kisses me. So he cheated on his girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What a rom-com moment. Yeah. It was really though. I feel like it.

Yeah. I'm just curious so i'm just curious i'm just curious so how much time has gone by between uh the kiss and the acknowledgement of you guys crushing on each other a couple weeks three weeks yeah i would say i told him how I felt and yeah, two weeks later we were at my friends and that's when he kissed me. And prior to the kiss, did you have, were you aware of any conversations he's had with his girlfriend? I mean, take, you're going to break up with someone in two weeks. Yeah. It just, it sounded like he was willing to dip his toes in the waters with you while he put his

girlfriend on hold yeah why couldn't he take care of his business and then have his rom-com moment as a single man i don't i don't understand this is i think where I'm at is I told him that I didn't want to be the other girl. And I made that quite clear. And so I think almost in that moment, I don't know if maybe I was just making an excuse for myself, maybe for him, that I thought we were kind of choosing each other. That that was almost like a signaling to me that we were kind of in it. I think he was choosing himself. That was almost like a signaling to me that we were kind of in it. I think he was choosing himself.

Well, he ended up, you know, I guess we came in, talked, kissed a little bit more. He ended up, like, he was pretty. I mean, he got mad at you or whatever. He questioned you doing the right thing. He was like, oh, I probably should go. And you're like he was like oh i probably should go and you're like yeah you probably should go and he was like how could you say that to me what the fuck is that right well he ended up uh like naked in my bed we did not sleep together i refused he ended up um he ended like it's like magically well not magically we were went upstairs. Whoa, you're naked. Whoa. He undressed himself. I did not. Yeah, I know.

I'm just saying. We just have a way of acting like these weren't our choices. Right. I own my part in this 100%. But we went upstairs to go to bed. He's like, okay, I'll stay here then. So does he still have a girlfriend? So he still has a girlfriend. We've had a conversation since. He backpedaled

very, very hard. He basically said that he is not happy in any part of his life except for his job and that he allowed himself to get caught up and that he needs to focus on that. He expressed anger at our friends and said that they shouldn't have meddled and just allowed things to kind of naturally happen

between us. So his choices weren't his? Basically. Here's what I think. He has that main character syndrome or whatever our friend Emma told us about the other day and then he got what he wanted

in terms of this crush, this fantasy if he was in fact maybe he had a crush on you over the years you finally validated that and then when you have a crush it's validated regardless of your situation you you want to take advantage of it. He did. He had his moment with you, you know, whether he slept with you or not,

he got enough from you and getting naked and making out that like now he felt the need to like, he able to think more clearly i mean in fact he was once the crush was uh kind of acknowledged that he kind of probably got obsessive over that okay and now he's just it sounds like he's pretty selfish he's now he's now a cheater and uh now he's he's still with he now he's he's still with her yeah he's still with her and I think part of the problem is that we will have to see each other again

at social events because our friends are pretty social people and they often have Christmas parties and barbecues in the summer and I know that I'm going to have to be seeing him again I would as far as seeing him again, I would,

um, I think you, what you need to do is decide for yourself as your individual. Hey, you had a crush. You got to let him go. Yeah. Uh,

I keep thinking that like, what if I wait around and maybe things will, but I know that, I know it's a waste of time. You'd be good. I keep thinking that like, what if I wait around and maybe things will... Okay, well, what if you wait around? I know it's a waste of time. He's going to treat you the same way he treats her someday. That would also be my concern. And I've been cheated on in the past. Guaranteed.

Okay. That's how he'll treat you. We're not right away. But certainly once the crush excitement wears off and that already happened. Right. So even if he came around and I wouldn't be shocked, he's going to break up with this girl at some day. Either he's going to find out he's unfaithful or his selfishness. Well, they've already broken up.

I mean, usually those things have a way of happening again. And he'll probably knock on your door then. That question you want to ask yourself is, what are you going to do then? Right. What do I do with these social situations? You just act normal. I mean, you're not in love with them.

You don't have a long history. You don't have to get all weird around them. You just... I would pretend it never happened. Okay. It'll drive him nuts but like just pretend it never happened okay okay and he when he when he does his and then when you don't give him attention he'll want more attention okay but just don't give that to him and i would literally act like it never happened. I don't know what you're talking about. But we did, what? Well, this is, yeah,

because I'm going to be seeing him for the first time this weekend at a Christmas party. So, and his girlfriend will be there. I would just pretend it never happened. Okay. If his girlfriend is going to be there, he will definitely pretend like it never happened. But you're just doing it for yourself. You're just doing it so like, and don't focus on him.

Don't watch her. Don't watch him. Enjoy your friends. Okay. You don't have this long history. You don't have to make it more than it is. Okay. I get that you had a crush on him.

I get, fine. But like, recognize that this crush was built up of anticipation and excitement over years. How much you really know about this guy, very little. And what you do know is that he's been selfish and he's a cheater. And that moment was all about him. It wasn't about you two. It was all about him. And then once he got that moment that he wanted,

he reversed back to, you know. Also, by the way way he's lying so if he if he if he needs to work on himself then why didn't he why doesn't he break up with this girl he's still right he's still with her he's bringing to the party yeah i mean he's full of shit nothing he says makes sense okay okay i was trying to somehow rationalize it and and yeah, but no, you're totally right. I mean, if he really wants to work on himself, if he's unhappy with anything but his job, and he needs to focus on himself, that's fine. But why is he still with her, the person he cheated on?

Right, right. He went away for a long time to be in the Navy, and he says that he doesn't feel the same. It was something he told you because he thought you would believe it. That's all it is. It's just an excuse. It's just some bullshit he thinks he'll work on.

Yeah. I think I'm making the poor mistake of grieving something that wasn't, that never really was. Correct. Yeah. He's not the one who got away. I get the crush. Correct. Yeah. He's not the one who got away. He's just, I get the crush.

It's normal. Yeah. I recognize that not all crushes it's, you know, a crush is more based off the fantasy than reality. Yeah. And the fantasy can turn into reality, but now that you've experienced some reality with him,

it's not that great. Right. The fantasy was so built up, I think, for so long for both of us. So once you accept that, it'll be easier for you to hang around him and see him and don't give him

the satisfaction of letting him know that you're really all that bothered by it. You've moved on. You've dealt with it. And when he does come around, because he's going to want some attention when this relationship ends, just make sure you are in control of your emotions and being honest with yourself about reality versus a fantasy. Yeah, because he made a comment that he still wanted to be friends.

And I told him, no, that that was not an option. Like after what happened, I'm not being disrespected like that. And quite frankly, neither is his relationship. So yeah, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't waste the energy of acting all that bothered around him. Okay. Around him for sure. I mean, if you want to still be a little upset, but don't give him the satisfaction. Okay.

All right. Okay. All right. Thank you, Nick. I appreciate it best of luck all right take care bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is kelsey and i'm 28 how can i help kelsey um so i have a situation with my friends and i'm trying to reconcile with them after I betrayed the trust. Oh, so you know you're the bad guy here? I am the bad guy here. Yes. What'd you do? I'm fully aware. What'd you do? So it's a long story and it started from like my early twenties. So I'm going to try to get as to the point as possible. And I live in a small town, so news travels very fast.

All right. So I lost my virginity to a friend's brother. We continued to hook up like the entire time I was away in college, just when I came home. Did the friend know about it? No, the friend didn't know about it. No, we kept it a secret. Just that we had a lot of mutual friends and we didn't want to

make it a thing um but by the time that i was was he older or younger than you he was older than me yeah um but by the time that i moved back home he'd started dating this new girl and this girl had completely kind of infiltrated herself into my immediate friend group. So whenever I'd be with my friends, it would be us, her, and this guy that I used to hook up with. And I didn't really know her that well. And nobody knew about us. So I didn't think to mention it. But I did think to mention it, but I just didn't think it was that important. No, I mean, you thought to mention it but i just didn't think it was that important no i mean you thought to mention it you knew they didn't know and you were afraid to be honest with them out of fear of how they would react that's oh yeah and that's that's kind of the basis of this whole story okay yeah but

that would be the most honest way to articulate that thought oh yeah yes exactly i didn't think of it i didn't think of it but i actually did. So until one day he, we were at a party and he pulled me aside and he said, you know, I'm in love with you. I don't know what to do now that you've moved back home. Like I'm with this girl and she's moved in. I don't know what to do. And I was like, well, there's really nothing we can do. You know, did you want to be with him?

In a sense? Yes. I never really considered it. Like I felt like i had feelings for him but i he was never really an option because i had moved away for so long and i just moved back and he was a new girl like he just was never an option right like yeah but like you can you can move back realize someone you used to have some sort of relationship with hookup buddy or whatever yeah and then you move back and they have a girlfriend and yeah like you accept they have a girlfriend but deep down you're just like bummed and then when they come to you and say I'm in love with you like what did you feel in that moment I felt really confused because it was such a situation that's like you can't just break up with this girl who's now in our friend group and then just jump to me and i'll be fine like it's just so complicated that

i mean you can't it'll just be messy for a minute yeah so and i was also in a bad situation i was in a bad spot um and that's kind of so what happened so um you guys basically i you guys hooked up didn't you yes eventually i said no he continued to so so him breaking up with her and moving her out yeah even though she's in the friend group and certainly that would get messy that's not possible we can just fuck instead that's that's doable oh yeah no i was going through a really tough time um and he was like pursuing me consistently pretty for a long time all while he had a girlfriend while he had a girlfriend why didn't you say, hey, listen, man, I'm going to be honest with you. I like you too, but you have a girlfriend and certainly her being in the friend group can get messy.

But either way, you pursuing me while you have this girlfriend not only disrespects your girlfriend, it disrespects me. And if I were to ever say yes, all I know is you have no problem pursuing someone else while in a relationship. So why are you doing that? What stopped you from doing something like that? Well, I experienced a sexual assault and he was the only one who knew about it. So I kind of felt bonded to him in that sense. But because of that, I was spiraling out of control, doing really risky things in all sense of my life. It was just a really bad time for me and I wasn't really

making the best decisions and I knew that. And he knew because you had confided in him about this? Yes. And it wasn't an intentional confiding. It was just, I was triggered one time we were together before and I felt like I needed to tell him and he was the only person who knew. So he ended up being the only person I was really confiding in at that point. only person who knew so he ended up being like the only person i was really confiding in at that point so i was really just spiraling out of control in all sense of the word like i wasn't going i was going through a really tough time okay so i made some really stupid decisions um and it kind of snowballed into like this full-blown affair how long did the affair go on for um i would say probably like eight or nine months okay um yeah until one day

his girlfriend walked in on us oh boy and it was the worst day of my life um because i realized that i wasn't just hurting myself and i was hurting other people i knew it before but i just fully saw it then so i cut it off obviously and i thought she was going to tell our entire friend group and that would be it that that it would be game over i'd lose everybody in my life but she didn't she was embarrassed she probably yeah uh i was embarrassed and everybody you know not probably she no she was embarrassed and didn't want people to know. Yeah. So she didn't. Her ego saved you in that moment. No.

Well. In that moment. In that moment, yeah. So she didn't talk about it. Her and I didn't talk about it. We just kind of moved on. But it was like a ticking time bomb. When is this going to go off?

Did you ever try to reach out to her? I did. She didn't want to talk about it. So, you know. And what did you do from that moment? Just kind of pretend like it didn't happen. I cut it off with him, obviously. You did cut it off with him.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I cut it off with him, kind of moved on with my friends, pretend like it didn't happen but it was like a time bomb and then when they broke up she told all of my friends um and that kind of blew up in my face so it which is totally fair you know everybody was really upset with me i was the bad guy but i they could see that i was spiraling they could see it was going through a hard time.

And they said, you know, what you did wasn't okay, but we want you to see you get help in a healthy way. Like we want you to see you get better. Okay. So I did. I went to therapy. I started working on my self-esteem. I tried to like be a better person.

How long ago did this happen? This happened probably three or four years ago. Okay, so a while. But then here's the kicker. I continued on trying to be better, but I always idealized this guy and thought he was the love of my life. I loved him so much.

I compared every guy that I dated to him. And he reached out and basically said the same thing, like, I'm really in love with you. So we were like, well, we want to see where this goes. So we decided to talk and sit down and see if we could come up with a plan that maybe we could be together but still save face with my friends and still kind of somehow work it out so I went to his house to go talk to him about it but because I live in a small town somebody saw me walking into his house and then that's what everything blew up in my face again well why i mean at this point he's single and you're single yeah but then because i was going to see him again

everybody was like you lying to us again you're having you're seeing behind our backs which wasn't the case okay like i was literally we were trying to like figure this out and see if we could maybe see each other and figure out a plan to to kind of make sure that everybody you know could get on board um but then everybody was so mad at me they turned their back back on me and said like, you know, we don't trust you. I was like, fair, you know, like, but then because I did that and I, so all my friends turned their back on me, I kind of jumped into this relationship two feet first and then the pandemic hit.

So you guys like started dating? Yeah. Like we got pretty serious really quick. So your friends embedded you and then i just kind of was like he's the only one left i might as well just i gotta put all my eggs in this basket and then it just started this horrible toxic abusive relationship like i ignored all the the warning signs like the substance abuse everything i just jumped in i was like well this is what i deserve you know i i did this to

myself but then here's we're going back to my friends um so i've been broken up for him for about a year now and um i have this one friend like the rest of them were like the friends you have in your early 20s you just like party with and they're a good time but i have this one friend who um he is really close to me we've been friends for 10 years uh you know he this year he got married and you know they had their baby and when I heard he was expecting well he reached out to me and told me that him and his fiancee were expecting um I dropped off a gift and a note reaching out saying like, I miss our friendship. I'm really sorry for everything that happened. I'd really love to sit down and talk to you. And I'd love to answer any questions you have for me, honestly, and kind of go from there. And he said,

you know, I think we can be friends, but I don't think we'd be friends like the way we were. And this was the beginning of the summer. i guess the baby the baby's due in september he's like well when the baby comes i'd love for you to come and meet the baby and now the baby's been here for three months so uh like so who's the friend um my one friend um that i was friends with for 10 years he was one one of the people in my friend group. The rest of them, I don't really care to reconcile with. They were just kind of fun time friends, but this one friend.

There's a guy? Yeah, yeah. He's married? He's married, yeah. So he said, you can come and meet the baby when the baby comes. But the baby's been here for three months. And I know that I need to take that step.

I'm just like, don't know how to proceed in this sense. Whether I should go and be prepared to sit down and talk about it. Or should I bring it up? Or I don't know how to proceed with this. I don't know. Are you still getting therapy? Yes. Yes, I'm still getting therapy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how to proceed with this. I don't know. Are you still getting therapy? Yes. Yes, I'm still getting therapy.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, wait. So are you waiting for him to reach out to you? Or you're just like, he's like, you can see the baby in three months. And then he didn't really follow up. Kind of waiting for him to reach out to me in a sense because. Why would you expect him to do that?

I don't. You're hoping, yeah. I'm hoping. I do see him around town because obviously we live very close to each other. And he waves and is like, hey. But I'm waiting for him to reach out and be like, hey, do you want to come over? But I'm just kind of being realistically a bit yeah realistically it's just probably not a big priority for him no and he's yeah that's what i mean he just got

married he's got a baby he's busier than ever with work like i feel like i'm coming in and with all my drama and dredging it all back up again but i really missed him as a friend genuinely. It's just clearly way more important to you than it is to him. I get why. Yeah. And, you know, I think, I mean, minus the fact that you're in a small town and I don't know how small, but I just, it sounds like maybe you just need kind of a clean start, you know?

I think you just need to, you know, I think it's amazing and great that you're still doing therapy continue to do that we're always work in progress progresses um forgive yourself i mean like you know like yeah you fucked up by having an affair it's not cool and you recognize that you don't need me to make you feel worse about it so you know you recognize that and and you recognize that some feelings were hurt this these friends this friends group that's probably not even like that tight anymore they've all been about their lives and you have this one friend and i think you're just kind of hoping for my my guess is like deep down part of your reason why i'm to reconcile is like

i think you just want to probably get some forgiveness from people to say i don't think you're a bad person or i don't think you're you know yeah you i think you're just looking for some forgiveness forgive yourself first and foremost and if it comes from this guy you know if it comes from this guy great if not it's not the end all be all and also like again his life's all different because again he is married with a kid i mean i just think of like close friendships I had with women or even men, you know, like when I was in,

when I'm in a relationship, it's just, it's just like, oh yeah, we were friends. We're not now. Yeah. You know,

and whatever drama it's, again, it's, it's, I get why it feels way more important to you and way more of a priority than him. And so also, if you want to see the baby, reach out. Waiting for him is just torturing yourself for something that's most likely not a priority for him. Yeah.

Ultimately, I'm just afraid of that kind of rejection. If I were to reach out and him be like, yeah, yeah I know I'm good I think then it's like that door is closed for good so I'm just kind of dragging my feet a little bit and I have forgiven myself but ripped a band-aid off yeah you know it's a possibility and if it does happen it's not all about you no I know it's like like, I'm at a point in my life, right? I think as we get older, as our circles get smaller, the stronger we have,

the stronger connections we have with individuals, our spouses, girlfriends, family, if we start having kids, those connections become so strong that I think we're far more protective of those connections and therefore we keep our circles smaller. So to this friend, you are a bit of a toxic drama queen maybe. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't mean he thinks you're a bad guy or a bad girl or whatever. He just might be thinking, it's just not a big priority.

And like, I don't know. I just don't, I don't care. I don't care. You know, there's been plenty of friends around the past where I was just like, I don't just,

I feel bad. You know, I should say hi, but it's like, they're just drama, you know? And, and they might,

they might have worked on themselves and figured it out. Right. And I'm not here to judge them, but you know what I'm saying? So like, it's not, it's probably less, it's from,

from their perspective, it's less about you. Yes, for sure. So if you do want to connect, right. And you want to meet their kid and you want an operator to say, Hey,

for what it's worth. And you probably, I know you have a million things going on and you've probably moved on, but I just want to once again say, you know, I didn't like the choices I made for myself. And I know that it impacted other people and it impacted our friendship and I'm sorry.

And I'm really happy for you. And, um, it'd be cool if we, uh, had a, some kind of a friendship, but I also,

I get like, again, the fact that he's married as a kid, I just don't, I don't see him putting a lot of energy into this friendship. Yeah. And that's kind of what I said in my first kind of reach out when I found out they were expecting is like, you know, I'm cool if you don't want to reconnect, but if you do, like I'm here and I know you've got a lot going on.

So, you know, I'll let, I'll leave the ball in your court basically. And he said, well, when the baby comes, you can come meet the baby now. So the ball's back in my car court. So I have to, yeah,

you definitely, if you want to see the kid, you got to reach out. Yeah. I just, I don't know why this guy would be like, you know what, who we should,

we, you know what, let's get Kelsey over. It's just not going to happen. No, I know, but I'm just like, I don't know gonna happen no I know but I'm just like I don't know whether if I go over and I should just like bring it all up and address the elephant in the room

or should I just like kind of just be me and you know just hang out uh I just I don't know what the best situation and I don't know if you have to make a big production about being there. Enjoy the kid and you'll meet his wife. And then afterwards to say, Hey, as you leave or send them a text or something, you know, it's been years that have gone by and again,

it's weighing on you than it is on him. I'm sure. You know, for sure. Yeah. I don't, I don't know. I guess I just have to rip off the band-aid and

do it and just see what and let the chips fall where they may and it's like i've made my bed and i've got also like make new friends you know make it meet a bunch of people who don't get to know you who've all made their own mistakes in the past yeah so you don't have to like wear this like a like a like yeah like a scarlet letter it's like you fucked up when you're in your mid-date you know whatever you're human yeah no and i've made new friends and i i've really put myself out there just like this one like nagging thing and it's like i see him going out and doing all these amazing things that we always like dreamt of for ourselves and i'm just like i feel like i'm missing out and i just just, it hurts, you know?

Well. It hurts, you know? Again, I don't know what he is doing, but regardless of what happened in the past, he's married as a kid and there's no guarantee you would have been friends anyways. So you just got to let that go. Yeah, that's true.

You're living in the past a little bit too much with all this. And I think you got to move forward and focus on new beginnings rather than, you know, mending fences with a married guy with a kid. Yeah, that's true. That is true. Also, if I'm his wife, I wouldn't be super thrilled about rekindling with someone who's known to have an affair with some other one. You're just going to have to deal with that. Her and I were friends too for quite a bit of time.

It's not like I'm a stranger popping back in. She knows me and the whole situation. There you go. She's going to have her reluctance. I really think overall, you just need to focus on the future and let go of the past. You have to accept that some things you just have to say goodbye to you're young you have a lot more relationships and connections to make and just focus on that for sure that's good advice thank you nick all right well take care all right okay bye bye

thanks for listening don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a k and look for our uh recap with eliz Elizabeth Lagmeister and our interview with Brandon or our interview with the runner up we don't who knows who knows will be available ASAP you