The Viall Files - E361 Ask Nick - Reality TV Love Affair

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

Today on another Ask Nick, we dive into the dramatic and wild world of relationships, dating, and situationships. Our first caller is navigating a situationship where a guy she has been passionately talking with doesn’t initiate making a move in person. They finally hook up just before he goes off to be on a realty show where, plot twist: he meets someone else. Now our caller is questioning what to do. The next caller is returning for advice after getting help from Ask Nick on Instagram. Her current relationship seems perfect - until it’s not - and our caller now is worried it’s getting too “vanilla.” Lastly, we speak with someone whose boyfriend’s new apartment stinks, and she’s wondering how she can talk to him about it without hurting his feelings. “The thing that you’re afraid of is happening.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: FitOn: Text FILES to 64-000 to join FitON for free! Relish: Go to http://www.HelloRelish.com/Viall to receive 50% off today!  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition it's our last ask nick of the year not thank God, because where would you all be? Just kidding. Probably fine. We appreciate you tuning in, and we hope you all had a very wonderful Christmas if you celebrate that kind of thing. And if not, we hope whatever holiday season you cherish the most was pleasant and loving. And hopefully the drama in your family wasn't too exhausting. And we welcome you back after what might have been

maybe pleasant or hellish. We don't know. Joined by Allie and Amanda, my social media... What are we calling you ladies these days? Like what? Social media. I feel like we have a new title every time.

I don't know. Yeah, social syndicate died. Well, you know, it's still your main role. So like, you know, focusing on that. Unless you come up with a new name. I don't know. The ladies. I don't know.

Welcome. The ladies. Ellie, I'd be remissed if I didn't check in seeing that you're back in Minnesota, which is where Wedding Guy lives. Is there an update? Are we just have we like killed him off in our mind

is like as has he risen from the dead yeah we did somewhat kill him off in our mind it was helpful because I you know I like booked this gig which is why I flew home early and I just kind of like buried myself in work. So it was really

helpful and a nice way to just forget about it. And I texted him on Saturday night because we remember the good old laptop situation and how he still has that. And I texted him on Saturday asking him if he would just give the laptop to our mutual friends, the ones who got married. And after I sent that text to him, I texted the bride and said, hey, he still has my laptop, but I know he could give it to me. I just think it'd be easier if he gave it to you and then you could give it to me if that's okay with you. Fun fact, they were together as I sent them both those texts. So that was super fun and great timing on my part. And best friend sold you under the river, down the river.

Is it down there? I don't know. No, I knew because wedding boy texted me back saying, ha ha ha, I'm with them right now. So she did sell you out? No. Oh my gosh, no. The bride would never.

But she was like, absolutely absolutely i'll grab it for you no worries okay uh and then he said i'm actually with them right now yeah i can give it to them another time or you know i could just always drop it off i was like oh so he dropped it off on sunday and so he did a nice little chat yeah we had a nice chat about life. I joked about, we were like making jokes about him, like dating other people and other people from the wedding. And I was like, you know what? Go for it. Who made that joke? Were you making them, Allie? Yeah. Like, is he a dick or did you torture yourself? I don't understand. Which one? It wasn't torture. It was, I think he at one point was like, I was like, oh, do you have any

plans or whatever? And he was like, yeah, my other girlfriend or my girlfriend. And I was like, damn, you move fast. That's great. And I was like, you know what? Is it such and such? Would you ever consider dating her? Like another girl from the wedding. But it felt very like good.

And then he left and he was saying, you know, it would be, it'd be great to like hang out with, you know, our mutual friends in the future or spend time, you know, it'd be great to hang out as friends and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yes,

sure. Sounds good. And then he left and he texted me that he had asked them to hang out like as a group of four. And they had told him that they're just like jam packed with the holidays. And then he asked, he was like, but like,

we would always do something. And I just haven't responded. I'm weirdly invested. I don't, I don't, I feel like. Because you were like, they're going to get back together. And I don't, that's the thing. I usually don't recommend this, obviously, when the people call.

But I feel like, again, an argument can be made that there was a preemptive dismissal of this budding thing. But it's a really, you could argue both. We even kept talking about it after Allie mentioned it on the podcast when we were going to our cars. Again, there's an argument to be made that either way this is a selfish

time in your life and so this also this is the time of your life to take risks. It's the time of your life to take risks. And like we were saying, it's the time of your life to take risks to say, fuck it, we'll see where it goes. Or, like I said before, he ultimately could end up just being a distraction for you to go after all the things you're going after right now. You could start dating him and you get really comfortable.

And like I said, as soon as something doesn't go right, it would be really... I hand Nick my two weeks notice and I say, I'm moving home. He wants me to come back and you know what? Fuck it. I don't know. Interesting. No wrong answers. I don't think it's the last we'll hear from him.

It's a gut feeling. I know. Now I feel like I have a tiny Nick in my head advising me on every situation. Whether or not the real Nick advises me on things, I hear his voice. I really don't know

what you should... I don't think there's a wrong answer to this one. I think... Well, that's comforting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know,

it's like whatever. It's too new to decide whether like... I don't know. But it's fascinating. Well, why don't you get a head start on those New Year's resolutions, especially if your New Year's resolution has anything to do with your fitness, because FitOn is the number one premier free fitness app,

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slash V-I-A-L to receive 50% off today. That's hellorelish.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Anyway, we got a great episode for you. Thanks for tuning in. Like I said, don't forget to send your questions to asknickatcastme.com.

Make sure to tune in Wednesday. We're doing our first ever year in review. It's like a year in review best of big moments from the year. It's like Spotify wrapped, but for bio files. Yeah, sure. And we have some highlights.

It's a mix of top interviews, some great Ask Nick moments, some memorable stories about ourselves, some things that we learned, all of the above. I actually really wasn't sure how it would come together, but I was quite pleased.

I think for all the people, especially people who maybe found us this year, maybe you haven't listened to all the episodes, I think it will be a really great way to found us this year. Maybe you haven't listened to all the episodes. I think it will be a really great way to finish off this year and do a quick review with us. So be sure to check that out on Wednesday. You won't want to miss it.

And for nothing else, let's get to our callers. How's it going? It's going really well. What's your name? My name is Kelly. I'm 27 years old. How can I help?

Oh gosh, okay. I have a doozy for you. The pandemic happens, whole world shuts down. And I look, I'm trying not to say too much without saying too much so the pandemic shuts down happens the world shuts down and i'm trying to find someone who could provide me a service online virtually and uh i'm looking for that on Instagram. I find this person. What do you mean by service? You're anonymous.

Get specific. That's true. So personal training. Okay. You're looking for a personal trainer? Yes, I was looking for a personal trainer. I forgot that I'm anonymous. So that's true.

I know that sounds so weird. I wasn't sure. Okay. No. I wasn't expecting personal trainer with the way you're answering that. I know. I know. I know.

Now that I think about it, that sounded very sketchy. Yeah. You're totally anonymous. Go ahead. Okay. So I was looking for a virtual personal trainer. And I find someone on Instagram, great. And set up a meeting and, you know,

things kind of go from there and we start training on a weekly basis. And it was fine for the first two to three months. And then, oh, and then it went from, here's my number, just text me and we can do it on facetime it'll be much easier i was like okay and then things kind of went from outside of training to facetiming about our day or oh my god this happened to me let me call you really quick let me text you snapchat whatever how did you find like you found on instagram but like this is a this is a personal trainer like their page was

like hey hit me up if you want some personal training okay yes yes yes yes it wasn't just like this was this was not like a sliding into the dms flirty situation at first gotcha it wasn't my intention what happened was not my intention. So now you're FaceTiming, you're talking about your day. It's escalated past that. It escalated, yes. And it got to the point where I kept pretending like it wasn't escalating.

He would say things and then I would kind of be like, oh, who, me? No. escalating he would say things and then I would kind of be like oh who me no you know and then um whatever things just escalated from there and then we went from talking you know once a week to every single day and and then I so oh, we don't live in the same state. And then an opportunity comes up for me to go to where he lives. And I tell him that. And he says, awesome. When do you get here?

I tell him. And then the first thing he asks is, who's picking you up from the airport? And I said, oh, no, no, no one. I'm landing really late. I'm just going to Uber. And he's like, absolutely not. I'm picking you up. I'm picking you up.

Okay, great. He drives, you know, 45 minutes to pick me up at the airport to drive another 45 minutes to drop me off at my friend's apartment. I wasn't expecting anything to really happen um but i end up hanging out with him and the first you know time we hang out we spend the night together but nothing happens nothing like we don't go all the way you didn't have sex correct okay so um but a more context i never planned on pursuing anything or kind of you know when it started to to get more and more flirty and the sexual tension and whatever i was kind of like you know if i meet him and we hook up it'll be a fun time and that's about it um but then i met him in person and that

kind of flew out the window um in what way like you were super turned on by him or i yeah like him him being super hot was it's like not the best thing about him you know what i mean like he surpassed my expectations in every way you really liked him i did yes and but i need to give you context of like why this is a situation he was on reality tv back a few years ago what show and i i can't say i can say. Because that would just be a dead giveaway. I can't say. It's no one from Bachelor Nation. What show is it? I can't say. I cannot say.

Okay. Does it have one weight trainer on it? I don't know. I hate to burst your bubble, but personal trainers are a dime a dozen in reality TV. No, I know. I know. trainers are a dime a dozen in reality tv no i know i know but um the show that he was on was only had one season but because of the show he was on he got an opportunity to do this other show that um when we kind of started all of this he was was, it was always, I'm going to leave in two months to

film. So I had that in my head and I was like, okay, so like, if you go visit or go see him, who cares? Like go have fun and then deal with the consequences when you go back home emotionally, if there are any. And so I end up, okay, so I'm going to leave on the show. I'm going to leave on the show. And he was always saying how he wasn't looking to like find a girlfriend before leaving and I was like oh I'm chill girl I'm so cool like I can just hook up and like not catch feelings who cares right um well okay so I go I'm there and where he lives and and we end up spending, like, three days together. Why are you whispering? I can hear my, I'm at my parents' house, and I can hear them walking, so I'm, like, starting to lower the volume.

Gotcha. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So, we end up spending three days together but nothing happens but the first day i mean the first night that i spent there i was not anticipating that to happen i wake up the next day and i'm like okay i'm gonna change hop in an uber and go back to my friend's apartment he's's like, no, wait, where are you going? What are you doing? There's no rush for you to leave.

You can stay. Like, okay. Like, this is kind of weird. Like, I don't really know how to approach this. And he's like, I have to do like two things, run two errands. You can stay here. I'll come back and I'll like drive you back. I'm like, okay, great.

I end up spending the entire day with him and he like, didn't want me to leave. Did you want to leave? No, but I had to, because I had obligations. It was a Sunday night and had obligations the next day. So, you know, that just threw me off because I was hoping he was going to be a dick and suck and not respect me so I could be like, oh, whatever, you know, do it for the story. And that didn't happen.

So, okay, I visited him the first time and I ended up spending three days with him nothing happened and I was like very confused and and kind of I'm not I've never experienced that you know what I mean you sleep have sleepovers with a guy you're happening in his bed and him not you know go further so the last day that I'm there I confront him because I was so like thrown off by all of this. And I just ask, what's the hesitation? Like, what is the hesitation? Because I have never experienced this in my whole entire life. She's like, why haven't we fucked, yo?

Politely, you know? And then I said, all I said to him was, what's the hesitation? And he said, why? Because we haven't slept together. And I was like, mean kinda and then um he basically just went on this like whole spiel and I think he wanted to believe what he was saying to me I was kind of like okay whatever buddy he said a bunch of personal things and then he said two things I'm scared to ruin what we have and two I would hate for something to happen and then

you go do the show and then you see something that you feel hurt by or hear something whatever which to me is like a cop-out but i don't think it's a cop-out okay okay um and so that happens and i felt like i kind of just flew out his front door. It was kind of awkward. I was leaving the next day and I thought to myself, that's it. I am never going to hear from him. That's it. Sure. When he said that though, why didn't you be like, listen, I'm going to be real with you.

I want to have sex and I really don't care what you do. I assume that you're going to go and you will do some shit but yeah if you're down i'm down right now yolo why didn't you say that um i guess because i was scared a little bit of a chicken shit that tends to be my mo i have all right so you you you chickened out whatever you didn't yes we'll get to the and then the thing that happened um so i leave it's kind of weird i'm like i am never gonna hear from

him again who cares you know it'll be a funny happy hour story and then i land back home and did you you know he starts communication as usual um and he reached out to me like every all the time every single day in some capacity whether it's text snap instagram um whatever his name popped up on my phone constantly and I was like okay this is kind of weird you know and I for myself uh just kind of started to pull back because I was like I'm you know I'm attached and I'm gonna get hurt so I should just like like the Homer Simpson gif slowly back away into a bush but that I as much as I tried like today's the day I'm not I'm not talking to him today's the day the end of the day would come and his name would pop on my phone and I'm like oh fuck um then so this happened in like January uh February comes around and he basically like I don't know if he was drunk or whatever one night just like says I regret not making better use of our time when we were together.

I was like, okay. I mean, and he was basically like, I regret not having sex with you. And basically saying he missed me and, you know, kind of implying all of those things. And I was really surprised and shocked. I was like, okay. Then cut to, and to to march communication's still the same and he was supposed to leave in february to film it gets pushed i'm like okay i was dying for him to leave i was like just just go so i can like rip the band-aid off question Were you a fan of the show that he was on? No.

I wasn't really. When we started training, I had maybe, I was kind of like, it sounds kind of familiar or whatever. And then in the beginning, when we were friends, I looked it up. Did he have a following? I didn't really know. I didn't know who he was until I found him on Instagram. I also, I don't really care about like, I don't know if it's good. So I work in media and entertainment industry.

So I don't know if maybe it's that I just didn't care about that. You didn't care. Okay. But you liked them and whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Like the fact like you have 90,000 followers on Instagram or whatever. That's great.

Congratulations. You know, if that's how you make your money by all means do it or whatever that's great congratulations you know if that's how you make your money by all means do it but that's not what it wasn't influencing your attraction no no no not at all not at all if anything i kept trying to like not catch feelings i was like no but he's like a because... But you didn't feel like he had more power than you had? No, no. And in the moment where he told me he regretted everything in the previous month, I felt like I had the power. And I was like, oh, okay. Interesting. And, you know, we continued communication as usual. And I mean, we talked all the time. There would be nights where I was up till 3 a.m.

because of the time difference. And, you know, sexually charged conversations and things like that. Sending nudes? Yeah, you know, the works. Were you sending nudes before you went out there? Yes. You were sending nudes and then didn't hook up? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And I don't do that. I don't, I have never. Sure, no one does that. I get it. Yeah. I'm serious. I have never felt comfortable with anyone you like them yeah you know you don't have to disqualify it i'm just no i know i know i know so where where are we now

where are we now okay okay so okay so i go back to where he lives in in march and we end up hooking up completely like all the way you did all right yes so i see him again in march we end up hooking up and then after that i'm like okay this will be it i'm never gonna hear from him again like he got what he wanted so did i and that'll be it we'll be done uh sure enough that didn't happen why did you think that because i just kept telling myself that to assume um to protect myself i guess i was like no you weren't really okay i mean you're kind of contradicting yourself like in what way well because like if you're really protecting yourself and you felt like he was going to like hit it and quit it then you shouldn't hang out with him okay so this circles back to to yeah i guess i i kept i'm saying i was

protecting myself but i'm probably lying but that's why i'm asking like you know what like did you feel like he had more power like what like yeah he's good looking or whatever and he's nice but like not at all i think i'm just trying to figure out why you were so captivated and but yet you were you you kept hanging out with them and yeah you kept going and then you just kept you kept you kept telling yourself it was gonna he was gonna eventually be the cliche that you assumed he would be right which he never was um yeah and and i think it was i i i knew that if we went to the point that we did i was gonna be devastated after because he was always leaving to go film and i just kept telling myself whatever i had to tell myself to feel okay is it a reality love thing? Is he like expected to make out with people?

Yeah. Yeah. So we hook up in March and communication continues as usual. And the production or filming keeps getting pushed back. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, just like leave already so I can deal with this. And, you know, I kept telling myself, oh, no, I don't really like him. And my friends would ask me, like, you know, what's the deal? And I would just keep saying, oh, no, no, no. It's just like friends with benefits, whatever.

But that's not true. Like, truth is, caught feelings, still have them, working them out. And I guess to some, and then he leaves to film. How was the sex it was great good yeah yeah I'm very big on feeling um safe and comfortable and I've been in situations where that's he seemed like he was a very attentive guy like that was a priority for him. Clearly, he took two rounds to... Dude, I don't even... He leaves the film and then I'm

like, okay, now, that'll be it. Then he comes back and he hasn't even left. He filmed out of the country. He hasn't even left the place they were filming in and he's messaging me. Oh, hey, I'm still here in quarantine, but I just got my phone back. I'm done. Whatever.

No, no, no. Hold on. this is the last part a week after he comes back he tells me he came back with someone from the show oh he's like oh by the way i correct i met someone on the show and so i said well it's awesome if you're happy i'm happy and then i was like peace out i'm gonna exit stage left and like i need to completely back away from him and now you know i have friends telling me before he left you should tell him how you feel you should tell him how you feel he came back he tells me he comes back with someone they're like you should still tell him you have tenure blah blah blah like i'll look at all the stuff you guys went through. Blah, blah, blah. You should tell him how you feel.

Now that you have the whole shit show of the situation, please deliver your thoughts. This is where we're at? You recently found out? Yes. It's been within the past two months and I've just completely

like, I don't really outside of tech when did you find out that he left the show with someone like then um a week after oh um like about two months ago and have you talked to him since since since he told me yeah a little bit yeah but a little bit he had who's reached out to who um so it was kind of 50 50 it was a you know like on snapchat and stuff and then i kind of stopped responding to that and then you know there was one day where i was oh and i i muted him on social media because i just don't need to don't need to see anything um and you know i dm'd him on instagram the other day and he responds that's the thing like every time if i've ever reached out to him he immediately i dm'd him yes what'd you dm and he i just replied to one of his instagram stories yeah and then he replied and then I replied and then I was like, okay, you know, that's about it.

And I haven't talked to him. I think it's been almost a month. But it's just been hard because I'm trying to be so mature and adult about it. But it's like, I just, I don't know how to, this is such a weird situation to be in. Yeah, I don't know if you're, I mean, I get you, I'm trying to be hard, mature and adult, I get that. You're not necessarily handling it

maturely. I wouldn't say it's immature, but you're... I mean, it's probably not healthy. Yeah, I mean, you're... You're like this all the time. What do you mean? Well, because this so tiptoeing around and you were so guarded the whole time. Yeah.

Are you like that all the time? No, I would say not with friends or family. No, I'm talking about guys you like. This is not the first time I've been in a situation where I'm not telling someone how I really feel to keep the friendship. To be friends. Because the image I present to them is like,

wow, she's so calm, cool, collected, chill girl. Great. Yeah. I mean, I don't really have a clear answer for you. I can't sit there and be like, he definitely likes you or whatever i mean for the the fact that he was so cautious with you in between the first time he went on and he was going back like yeah he's probably cautious because at this day and age if he knows he's going back, he knows like he's being safe. He doesn't want to, it's just like weird purgatory,

you know, people in Bachelor Nation when they leave a show and they want to go, then they're thinking they hope to get asked to go on Paradise the next season. Oh, a hundred percent. You know, they're very,

you know, especially guys are very, well, some are just out there slinging it and kind of dumb. Right, right, right. But like other guys are just careful because it's like you know for all the stories like you broke up with me to go on a TV show you know like

they're trying to avoid stuff like that but they're trying to live their lives and there's not a clear answer for that so it makes sense to me that he was reserved and guarded so I don't think that was a line, but either way. And so the fact that he's doing this TV thing,

you're dealing with a guy who's wrapped up in this kind of, for the most part, is a silly reality TV experience that will feel like a big deal and it will die down quickly. There are certainly elements of him being financially motivated to want to be in a relationship out of this TV show. So you don't really know. There's a lot of variables. There are.

And let me tell you, before he's very much, you know, I don't, there's a lot of variables. So there, there are, and let me tell you, you know, before he's very much, I mean, he told me everything and whatever, you know, probably because it's hard in that world. You don't know who you can trust and you built a level of, you built a level of trust and, and yeah. And I would never, you know, it doesn't mean he loves you or, you know, just, yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, he felt comfortable. Right. And right. And before, you know, things escalated, we did build this really good friendship and said a lot to each other,

you know? Um, but it's hard because now it's like, and like the shit is going to come out and i have to like deal with that and i just did not watch tv for the whole month is that like i mean it's not like it's not it hasn't come out yet i don't know you didn't watch it before you don't have to watch it again it's not gonna get that much press you know you know i think it'll be fine yeah yeah definitely i mean yeah i guess it's just hard because it's really simple it's actually not that complicated you I think he'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. I mean, yeah, I guess. It's just hard because... It's really simple.

It's actually not that complicated. You just have to decide whether you're willing to potentially get hurt. And you're already disappointed and you're already thinking about it. And if I were you, I would shoot your shot. I would. It's already taking up a lot of your energy, a lot of your time. So you just reach out to him and come clean and be like, hey, listen, I've been thinking about our time together.

I've been thinking about it a lot. I've spent a lot of time with you trying to play it cool and trying not to like you or be guarded. And every time I was with you, I always felt closer with you. And I know you were always, I know you had a lot on your plate. I know you were thinking about not only the relationship we were building, but going on the show. And I totally respect and get, you were always honest with me that this could be a possibility.

So I appreciate that. I get that you met someone. I don't really know where you're at with this. someone, I don't really know where you're at with this. But I just know that after realizing and thinking about the relationship, I hope it doesn't work out with this person

because I want to try with you. I want to stop pretending not to like you and stop pretending to be friends. And I would put it out. Anytime someone shoots the shot like this, I always say, assume there's a 20% chance at a workout. Prepare yourself for the worst.

Oh, yeah. Always. Right now, he's probably feeling... His world is very complicated. He's probably confused what should i do but plant the seed and walk away that's what you want you know yeah because you and keep in mind you can always change your mind you can always decide not to like him in the future

he could come back to you and and you guys could break up a year later you could see something on the show and go ew you know but right now you are you are dealing with the what if what you know the regret aspect of like yeah playing it cool or being too guarded and and like if nothing else this could be a good exercise for you for like yeah stop like you know we we can hurt ourselves by trying to protect ourselves too much as you seem to yeah you know you're doing you know so like you the word the thing that you were afraid of is happening yeah you know you liking him and then you feeling rejected that that's our and then here you are you seem fine and level-headed you didn't't, like, you're not, you can get out of bed. You're doing okay, you know?

Yeah. And so, you know, you might have to relapse a little bit and experience that one more time again. But if you think the chances of this working out, like, if there's a possibility, you will feel good by shooting your shot. And all you have to do

is deal with a little bit of rejection. So if I were you, that's what I would do. just shoot my shot all right if you if you like him if you think he's yeah if you think he's a catch and you know and you know minus this reality tv experience that he's going through it's kind of whatever messy i mean again like this world can't like they can change people he can you know if but if you think he's level-headed and you think he sees the big picture in life and it's just an experience, you know, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't have much to lose, I guess, is what the way I'm looking at it. That's true, that's true. Minus a little bruise of the ego. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bruising my ego for sure. Okay, I will. I will shoot my shot. If you think he's worth it.

No regrets. I guess no regrets, YOLO. I've been YOLO throughout this whole situation. Eh, kind of. My version. My version. Alright, that's what I think you should do. Okay, I will. I will i will well good luck thank you so much i appreciate all the advice all right my pleasure bye all right take care

how's it going doing good my name is beth i am at 26 years old how can i help us Good. My name is Beth. I am at 26 years old. How can I help Beth? So it's actually kind of funny. A couple of years ago, I wrote into you on Instagram and I was in a very tough situation with a previous relationship. I was engaged and I was, I was trying to go through therapy to try to save the relationship. And you told me not to do that

because there's no way that a therapist could fix my relationship and i was like you called in or i like responded on questions with nick or how yeah it was on instagram what did i say it was a i haven't screenshot it yeah so I said fiance at four years no longer says he loves me but is going to therapy should I keep trying and you said no you know what's worse than a failed engagement a failed marriage

that was you? yeah that was early on that was really early on it was yeah I mean if you said yeah but well yeah that's the thing therapy can't make someone love you you know yes and i have learned that that was very uh eye-opening experience for myself uh he's my first relationship and we had like the whole wedding planned and the pot like everything planned and so it was quite the um wake up call i guess like i really

didn't who ended it well there was another lady involved and so with a lot of it just became really toxic and then finally after fighting for some time and then getting that message i was like i'm done okay but he obviously was already out the door before i knew that was even an option so okay so where are we now now i'm in a great relationship my spouse is fantastic he's amazing but i doubt myself there's always the but um but i doubt myself and whether or not like this person is my person and like I've been with him for about two years now and I mean everything's good it's just like I don't I feel like in my last relationship I thought like he was the one like absolutely

I was head over heels over him he's my first first love. And he betrayed me to like, I've never been cheated on, obviously, because that was my first real relationship. And so it was very traumatizing, I guess you would say. I don't know. I've gone through therapy for it all. I feel like I've learned a lot from it. now another little story about me is my mom has been married four times and I've gone through three divorces with her previous relationships and so there's this fear of like failing in a relationship that I don't and I've already failed in their engagement I know you didn't fail in the engagement I would I would stop saying that you know that's fair so about this current partner uh is it more uh fears about you being blindsided again and fully allowing this partner in and trusting him or is it about you feel you're with him because you feel really comfortable and safe, but at the same time, you're not sure how strong your feelings are for him.

Which one is it? I would say definitely the second one. I, he's the most trustworthy person. Like I, there's no doubt in my mind that he would ever do that to me. And there's no fear in that. What do you feel like this relationship could be

missing he's just a very old soul i feel like he's just very what does that mean i'm a yes person so if i want to go skydiving i'm gonna go do those things i'm gonna go on trips i'm gonna like i always am seeking the next adventure where he's more uh like he keeps me grounded which is good because I can be very like I don't care do you feel like you two balance each other out in that regard or is he winning more than you're winning

do you feel like you guys have an equal amount of compromising yeah I would say so does he say yes to some of the adventures you want to go on versus once in a while you're like yeah okay um to an extent i would say yes um we we have gotten an opportunity to travel a little bit but our our ideas of fun are completely different like if we go to the ocean like i want to go scuba diving or I want to go snorkeling. And he's like,

absolutely not. And I'm like, okay, I have friends that can fill that space for me or my, my family. That's very active in that, in that world. He's like,

I think he's completely adverse to scuba diving. Yeah. He has like a huge fear of the ocean. Okay. So he has a fear of the ocean what about skydiving do you have fear of falling oh absolutely not he he doesn't like heights what what does he like i mean it's not like the only two options world are scuba diving and skydiving but right right what um i would say he's just very simple he's just a very simple guy like if he

if we just go for a drive that's like our that's our time or we work out together that's definitely one of his passions or just going out with friends not like a party scene but like just like socializing in that sense where i'm more of like i want to go dancing and i want to do like all of these things so he never wants to go dancing i mean again it's so it's it's interesting that you're saying this right right? Because as I've gotten older, and if you listen to the show, I 100% prioritize, and I say this over and over, feeling safe and how you feel in a relationship and how people love you.

Right. That, to me, is important. Finding someone to do your favorite hobbies with, less important to me. Because you can do it with other people. Friends and things like that. Skydiving, scuba diving. How much skydiving and scuba diving

can you possibly be doing that it's a huge issue if your partner doesn't do it with you? Would it be nice if they did? Great. But I personally, for me, wouldn't want to give up. When we disagree disagree we can talk

through it versus argue and scream you know I trust and they trust me and like I value those things on the flip side like he does need to like not be like he doesn't get to say I don't do any of these things

and you know because like scuba diving dancing fine taking you out dancing if you want to go dancing when right now he needs to say yes to that stuff once in a while and you need to hold him accountable for being like listen i i get you're afraid of the ocean i get you don't want to go skydiving but like i think it's fair for me to have you go dancing with me once in a while you know i i think it's fair for me to have you go dancing with me once in a while. You know, I think it's fair for you to, you know, I'll, what, what, what can we compromise on? Here's the things I want to do. Sometimes it would be nice to do some of these with you.

Which ones do you want to do? I've tried that. You just, I, I, what does he say? Well, because if he's, if he's just like, nah, then that's selfish of him. Yes. I would say a lot of it has to do where we live, which we are in a smaller rural town, and there's a bigger city, a bigger town that we have about an hour for us to get there. What's the problem? He doesn't want to drive. He an old man i feel like he just has this like old like he's just so i'm not he's not an excuse

i mean he's got a fair there are things that like my girlfriend likes to do that aren't like on the top of the thing because i'm dying to do, but I recognize that I'm choosing to date this person. Right. And she was never going to be perfect in the sense that she's going to love everything I love and want to do everything I want to do. There's a lot of things that really work out. We have similar eating habits.

We like a lot of the same foods. There's a lot of convenient things about a lot of things that really work out. Like we have similar eating habits. We, we like a lot of the same foods. There's a lot of convenient things about a lot of things we do. And there's some inconvenient things about our relationship. I think that's every couple. Right. And when it comes to the inconvenience of things that you like more than them and vice versa,

like it's nice to be able to compromise once in a while. And it's nice to like have that person like come out with us and do things and not drag their feet and complain the whole time. Also recognize that maybe it's not their favorite thing to do. So you don't ask them to do it all the time. And like, you're not like, you know what I'm saying?

Like it's compromise. Yeah. It's definitely, I feel like that's like one thing we have a battle on and like another thing, which is, I feel so silly for like one thing we have a battle on and like another thing which is I feel so silly for even saying stuff because he's literally the most perfect person he supports me in my schooling

he's not perfect we've just talked for 10 minutes how he's not perfect I'm sure he's a nice guy but that's not perfect perfect would be like hey babe I want to surprise you let's take an hour we're going to go dancing tonight I know it's not my favorite thing to do, but tonight it's about you.

That would be perfect. He hasn't done that. Stop calling him perfect. He's pretty nice. Yes, he's very nice. He's really good at a lot of things, and that's great. It's great to recognize him for that,

but don't be afraid to call him on his bullshit. I think leading with that would be more of his romance side of things. Like he's just not intentional with like, he thinks he is. And we've had the talks we've had, like,

you know, I like to be loved this way. This is the way I like, you know, I try to have these conversations. I'm going into behavioral health and want to be a therapist eventually. And so like, I'm very in tune with my mental health and like how to approach

things or what I've learned through therapy myself and so it's an adjustment for him but it's like he does like for instance this for my birthday this year he didn't get me anything which is it was a little hard because I go huge on these like for Christmas or birthdays. And like, he didn't see the issue until like, actually like last night when I was booking a trip for us for Christmas, that he has no idea what we're doing.

But like, I do all of these things to keep the relationship like fun and adventurous, but he's just like, ah, I'm cool. Just sitting on the couch. Well, you it's fair. Do to expect a little more.

I mean, you're not asking for a lot. You're just asking for something, it sounds like. Yeah, just a small moment. Yeah, and I think that's fair to ask. And you should say, hey, listen, shit like this only gets worse if you don't make an effort to make it better. He doesn't have to

like doing it. He has to know that you like doing it. And then when he chooses to do it because you like doing it, he doesn't make it so obvious that he hates it. He's doing it for you. And why is he unwilling to do these things for you?

I think he's uncomfortable. I think it's more of like his own. Well, you of being a relationship it sounds like you are just asking for the gesture and maybe if it's not dancing you know plan a date or something yeah all right just the intentional stuff like that's the biggest thing and i think that's vacation in a hotel in the big city you know plan a massage date or whatever it's not that hard and i give him these hints it's like he just doesn't grasp it like he's like all talk and not a lot of action in that sense and so it's just like i don't want to become resentful because I do enjoy our time together. You said all these things?

Yes. And he says, I don't care? No, he says he'll try. Have you framed it like this? It's like, do you think I'm being unreasonable to ask you these things? And do you think I'm being more unreasonable? Or do you feel like I'm being a nag because you say you're going to and you don't?

I'm just asking for a little here. No, I haven to approach it in that way you know like what what what do you want me to do do you want me to just like you know have you talked about love languages with him i have tried and he gets so like he okay so i mean you call an old soul he's acting like he's 13 like love language is weird i can't talk about it like well i think the biggest thing is because i'm going into behavioral health he always feels and my mom's a therapist as well and so he always calls it therapeutizing and so he approaches it in this way of that i'm like trying to like change no i'm just trying to like well no you're just

like my way like what like makes me feel good and it's just like i think he like shuts down when it like comes in he's like you're using your education behind it i'm like no no no okay well i've learned yeah well that shouldn't be he shouldn't be threatened by that stop calling him perfect though okay well he's not perfect i mean that is because like i don't want you to overcompensate for what happened to you in the past. It's like, no, but he's perfect, but he's perfect, but he's perfect. We get that a lot. People coming in, calling in, telling

me how perfect their relationship is and then proceed for the next 20 minutes to tell me. I feel like I just get it from other people. They're like, wow, you really have such a great guy. And I'm like, I do, but I just need... I don like, I do, but like,

I just need like, I don't get to do anything I want. He never goes out of his way for me, you know? Yeah. I'm not, I'm not like, I'm not the best.

I'm not, I'm a shitty planner. I can get set in my ways. I, I could definitely be more of a romantic, you know, I can get lazy with those things. I'm not like out there being like,

I do this all the time, but I recognize that like, I got to step it up sometimes. And, and when, when Natalie, when Natalie is like, you know,

kind of checks me, it's like, I can be, I can be fair about the things I'm not doing a good job at, and then try to like step it up and to say, you know what, just, you know,

I do care, you know, I wanted to show you you know and I think that's for every relationship to right to ask for and if he's just like no I don't think he's like like saying no to everything it's more of just like well you always have things planned on the weekends for us which I mean I do plan a lot of stuff well if you're always planning things but like just say hey listen like you just gotta compromise and he's gotta like stop like making you feel bad for therapy or or whatever just be like hey man i'm just this is how i feel yeah because i was not a nice person in my last relationship I learned a lot hindsight 2020 and there's a lot of things I did wrong in it

but the relationships are completely obviously they're different but he does say yes to the things you plan though a lot as long as you know it's like doesn't include driving, dancing and scuba diving it doesn't require much effort yes a lot of it is like with my family and

so he he's an only kid and so he comes from a family that he just has like his parents and so then there's my family that we're always doing involved things and doing a lot of activities and so it's a huge adjustment for him and so he he's always like, we're spending so much time with your family. I'm like, this is a priority of mine. And so he does, he does that way. Oh, so, okay. So he spends time with your family a lot and that's a priority for you. Yes.

Okay. So he does do that. Yes. And we do a lot of weird stuff. I mean, not weird stuff, but like we go on vacations together. So that's a lot. Yeah. We've gone on quite a few vacations together. That's a lot. Yeah.

We've gone on quite a few vacations. With your family. With my family. That's a lot. It's a lot. Maybe it's perfect. It is a lot. Maybe it's perfect. Right?

Just kidding. Yeah, I think you just try to have to figure out what you're asking and how much you're asking of him. And there's something he's not doing that's making you feel a little bit unloved i guess yeah but don't you know i just don't want it to get like vanilla like i just don't want my relationship like i just don't want to wait i think maybe you need yeah if that maybe i need to check myself and not yeah because it's good that you don't want to be projecting but don't it's good that you don't want to be projecting but don't it's good that you are conscious of that but like that can be an obsession of yours because of what happened

in your past relationship right yeah that's true you gotta chill out a little bit so easier said than done are you not chill i feel like i'm a very like i need to go go go like it's like and that's not him he's more of like i'll go and then i'm gonna just relax like we got to take he'd rather have like one weekend that we're busy and then the rest of the weekends that we're just like hanging around our area but yeah i mean i can see a world where and I say this playfully, but I could see a world where you could at times be a lot

because you're projecting your insecurities about the past relationship and you have this kind of go, go, go mentality and you're trying to you're too afraid to set it down because it might break or something. I think you just need to, you're, you're too afraid to set it down because it might break or something. And I think you just need to breathe a little bit and,

and maybe, you know, I think it's good that you're still holding accountable, but take the time to enjoy the moments that you are enjoying, that he is spending a lot of time with their family and taking trips with their family. And that, that,

you know, even if your family is great, like it's usually not like the first thing people want to do um yeah so and uh yeah just keep talking and keep relaxing take a chill pill that sounds like you know what i'm talking about yes unfortunately I wish it wasn't true it's okay we all have to work on things but don't push him away but still

it's okay to ask him to sweep you off your feet every once in a while I think it'll be okay just breathe a little bit and I think you're on the right path but keep doing that therapy thanks alright breathe a little bit and I think you're on the right path, but just keep, keep doing that therapy.

Thanks. All right. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye. How's it going?

Good. Thanks. Um, my name is Tori. I am 28 from orange County, California. How can I help Tori? So nothing too serious.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost six months now. And he just got his first apartment. Before this, he had always lived with a bunch of guys in a very frat house like environment. Sure. So not a lot of furniture. He's 31. Okay. he a lot of furniture he's 31 okay not a lot of furniture kind of like it wasn't dirty but it wasn't you know there's definitely a food town somewhere in this place there definitely was yes um so he's super proud of his new apartment i'm super proud

of him i'm so happy he got it but the issue is that he's still kind of in those fratty kind of ways how so it's just a little messy he's not a dirty person but he's a messy person i got news for you most likely not changing it's the smell that comes with it though wait well that's that's not messy that's filthy what's what's causing the smell it's his uh for example he only has one set of sheets so they get washed and put right back on the bed i mean i mean that's why do we have to judge that like what that's pretty that's pretty typical for the average heterosexual male i think you're not wrong um but i've tried to talk to him about it and it doesn't but also like what does that what does what do you mean smell i asked about smell and you said he has one set of sheets

that he wrote it so he's also a hot sleeper um And so he, it seeps. It just doesn't. He runs hot and he sweats. Yes. Okay. Yes. How often does he wash his sheets? Is he aware of this problem?

Once a week. I don't know. I've tried to bring it up, but he's also, it's this thing where he's like, I'm so proud of my new apartment. I want you to be proud of me too. And I am. So I'm kind of scared to be like, I'm proud. Those are two different issues. That's awesome that you're proud of him. I get that he's proud of himself.

That's awesome. This is more of a personal awkward conversation that sometimes people, couples have to have. If your boyfriend had like you know breath issues you know and sometimes people can be

unaware of their breath because well you know and like having that you know what I'm saying like that's what this is this is really nothing to do with his apartment I guess I'm just asking what the best way to bring it up would be or what you think would be the best way to bring it up

without just being like, your room smells really bad. I don't think you have to worry about it too much. I could be wrong. How sensitive is he? I don't think he's super sensitive. It shows on his face what if I say something he doesn't like, and I get it. That's going to happen. He's got to deal with that. This is a new relationship.

You've only been in for six months. You need to be okay, and you need to know how he's going to handle disappointment. You recognize it's a potential sensitive issue so you're not going to be a jerk about it you're not going to try to embarrass him and you're not going to laugh at him and you're not going to call him out on this with his friends and these are all things couples do to each other by the way so yeah you know like don't embarrass him around his friends but like But when you're alone, you could first give him a bunch of... Go buy him some sheets as a housewarming gift. I've been waiting for the sheets from Macy's.

They've been delayed for over two weeks now. Okay. Well, maybe get him a couple. And just say... And then, I don't know, is there something you're self-aware about that you have to put in extra maintenance about as a woman or whatever? As a woman, there's a ton.

Sure, but I guess is there something that maybe you have to deal with more than your peers or something that you are self-conscious about? Probably. I don't know. Nothing's coming to mind at the moment, but probably. I guess just try to empathize with the guy right just like right he runs hot when he sleeps and if he doesn't wash his sheets more than once a week it stinks up the room this is not a big deal he's a stinky guy like i don't i don't see he doesn't he might not even be bothered be like listen you need if i i want to know you know if i don't what i don't want't want is to have my girlfriend or any girl over at my place if I was single, right? Yeah.

And be unaware of how my house or room smells. Do most people recognize that we aren't fully aware of how our places smell relative to people who don't live there. When I leave for a week, I'm always like, hmm, and come home. How's my house smell, Allie? Sometimes I'm not there for a week. But anyways, I'm self-conscious about that and I would want to know

if people were walking into my room and got a waft of like stank and if someone and I sweat at night it's just not that embarrassing but he should just do something about it you know there's such an easy solution to this too

hey there is you just wash your sheets every other day you know yeah you know some people like suffer from halitosis and yeah there's things you can do for that but it's not as easy as washing your sheets no that's very true you know and it's easier to get more self-conscious about having like really bad breath that like it has something to do with like your digestive track and and and and it your digestive tract. And it's hard because you've tried and you've found solutions. You've been to doctors. There's nothing you can do, but you just know your breath is rank.

This guy just sweats a little bit at night. I think it's a big red flag. If you address it, you get him some sheets, and you try to be gracious, you don't try to embarrass him, and he gets a little pissy about it, then I think it's a little bit of a red flag. He's allowed to get a little sensitive

but also say some version sooner than later of appreciation and thanks, babe. And just make sure you don't try to embarrass him. No, and I absolutely don't want to do that. And you're just kind of like, listen,

sometimes I... Again, show some vulnerability. Like, whatever it is. You just talk about some vulnerability you have. This is something I have to do, and that was really helpful for me when I became aware of it. So let's wash your seats every day. Because, like, hey, listen, I love your musk, but when you don't manage it, like fills up your room i love you but like let's deal with it and the solution is simple i don't think it's a big of a deal yeah you're right i mean it's probably more on me bringing it up to him than anything and i kind of had a feeling just

um like i said i don't want to hurt his feelings and I know I don't want to say anything that would embarrass him or anything like that. So I think it's just me getting over that hurdle of actually bringing it up to him. I mean, the biggest difference between people who smell good and the people who don't is because the people who smell good take the time to smell good very few people are just naturally gifted with this like aroma body odor i'm like i'm sure that some people out there who love to like talk about it and brag about it i don't wear anything and i smell amazing it's like okay whatever i don't maybe you do or maybe people are just full of shit and you believe they're bullshit but people who smell good or have good breath or whatever who who are clean people.

And they take the time to shower every day and wear cologne or perfume. And if they don't wear cologne, they, whatever, they invest in smelling good. So if he gives a shit about like smelling good and having, he has to do something. He can't just naturally let it happen.

You're right. And I know he does. So, so just come from a place of like, now that you have a girlfriend, you have the benefit of knowing these things because you all fucking stink in your frat house. Yeah. I think you'll be fine.

It's a bigger red flag if he handles it like a little baby. I don't believe he will. Okay. But yes, you're right. I think you'll be fine. I agree all right all right well thanks for calling thank you so

much all right take care bye bye thanks for listening don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with K and be sure to tune in on

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