The Viall Files - E363 Ask Nick - Hallmark Situationship

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Today we are back with your questions on another edition of Ask Nick. We begin with a caller who’s love life has turned into a real life Hallmark movie. Should she date the buttoned up finance guy and charity donor who lives in her city? Or should she head back to her roots to pursue romance with an old hometown flame, who is comfortable and familiar, but has a bit of a bad boy image? Next, we are joined by a caller who is navigating a potential relationship with someone with an STI. She really likes him (and is normally very picky so that really means something) but she has never dated someone with an STI so she doesn’t know exactly how to manage the risk. Lastly, we speak with someone who has recently found out that her ex’s friends have been mocking her and her social media and potentially disrupting her future dating life. We then learn she works with some of these friends, so she’s wondering how to go about blocking them, and how she can move on from feeling “crazy” after the break-up. “Your ex has a groupchat with his friends where they share your TikToks and your snapchats and talk about them.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new “Introvert” merch at www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Noom: Sign up for your trial at http://www.Noom.com/VIALL Marley Spoon: Sign up today at http://www.MarleySpoon.com code: VIALL for $120 off over your first 5 boxes ShipStation: Go to http://www.ShipStation.com code VIALL for your 60-day free trial Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files happy new year i hope you had a very happy and wonderful holiday season, a safe New Year's, and welcome to 2022. Fuck. Anyway, we got a fantastic episode. Let's kick this off with another exciting Ask Nick edition. And we have a great one for you. Boy, do we ever. Before we get into that, Allie and Amanda are with us. Quick, give me a 2022 New Year's dating resolution that you have. Something you want to do better or stop doing in your dating life. Amanda, do you want to go?

Yeah, I want to date myself this year. In addition to anybody else, I want to be really intentional about spending time with myself and like caring for myself and like looking for the good in myself because I think I'm sometimes a little too self-critical. Do you think you have to do

less dating other people to accomplish that? Or are you going to be able to simultaneously do both? I don't know. I think I feel like it's like there's to me, it's like the busyness and then there's like the me time. And so I don't know. I think I feel like it's like there's to me, it's like the busyness and then there's like the me time. And so I don't know that it's so much like other people work, comedy stuff, et cetera. But yeah, I suppose. I don't know. I right now, I obviously have

googly eyes for someone. So I kind of only see myself dating someone right now. But who's to say? Okay, Allie. I've never enjoyed dating. I like to have anxiety attacks before going on dates. So I feel like just go on at least one date where I just don't give a shit and try and not be anxious and not overthink what I'm saying. Maybe it's more of an experiment than anything,

but just really try not to care. I think that's great. Yeah. A pirate attitude. than anything, but just like really try not to care. I think that's great. Yeah. I think you guys know yourself well. A pirate attitude. Well, you know, and maybe it's something we should all think about, anyone listening. What is something we want to do?

I mean, I'm not dating, but I guess in a relationship life. Nick is like hoping that my resolution would be dating wedding boy, but. No, no, no, I've like moved on. You know, I actually prefer you to like more rapid date than lock eyes with one

person. Take your swings. I'm going to try to be more romantic in my relationship. That's what I'm going to try to be. Get back to my roots. Does that mean like ideas? Spont spontaneous stuff? Probably.

I mean, I think all of the above I could, you know, I think the pragmatic person in me for self-preservation purposes is, you know, like surviving my 20s and surviving Bachelor Nation has probably like sucked a little bit of the romance out of me. So, I mean, I'm not saying I'm broken, but I could probably... Not broken, just damaged.

Yeah, we're on your arm. Damage not broken. Show it to the camera. I could probably be a little bit better. So there you go. We have a great episode for you. Bachelor's back tonight. Bachelor's back, baby.

We're breaking down Clayton season. So we'll see you tonight or tomorrow. And on Wednesday Wednesday we have Francesca Farago with us the very talented wonderful very captivating

and interesting person contestant cast member of the very popular Too Hot to Handle also married at first sight

married at first sight I mean just a legend in the reality TV dating space so be sure to check that out. Thanks for listening, guys.

We're excited to bring you a bunch of great new episodes and content this year. Thanks for listening to us. Here are your callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

Good. How are it going? Good. How are you? So I'm in the middle of a love triangle. It started out, I was dating a guy a few months ago who started dating a guy who was like the perfect match on paper. Tall, handsome, donates to charity, has a great relationship with his family, makes me feel valued, like everything I've ever wanted. I'm curious.

When did you find out he donated to charity? How old is he? He's 33. He slid it in on the second date. I was like, okay, I see you. Yeah. I see that as a red flag, but anyway, continue. Um, so we've been dating for a couple of months at this point. Then I go to a family's wedding. I see a guy from my hometown who we've never dated, but we've always had a thing for each other. At this wedding, we reconnect. We get to know each other as adults. This is a new guy.

This is a different guy? Yeah, this is a different guy. This is a guy I've known since kindergarten. There's two guys. It's not you and've known since kindergarten. There's two guys in your... Oh, so it's not you and another woman. It's you and two guys. No, it's me and two guys. Yeah.

Okay. So this guy from my hometown... You're the temptress. You're the temptress. Yeah. Well, maybe. All right. We've known each other since kindergarten.

We were just talking at this wedding. His mom pulls me aside and he's like, she's like, yo, why aren't you guys dating? Her mom say, yo, no, his mom said, yo, she said, yo, she literally said, yo, she's hip. Yeah. And she was like, you're the reason why he's still single. Like just date already. I don't get why you're both single. Just do it. And so at this point, I'm not thinking much of it. I'm just like, okay, whatever. We end up going out after the wedding and like, we're talking more, we're dancing, we're going to the bar and we ended up having a really good night. And so as we end up

leaving things, I like say goodbye in the elevator. A couple of weeks later, he texts me, asked me to go to another wedding. So we went, had a great time. We started dating now. Your first actual date was a wedding? Yeah. Okay. But I've known him forever. He's been my best friend. I helped him through a family trauma. Our families are very close. Sure. But your first date was a wedding? Our first date was a wedding. Okay. And since then we've gone on more dates. What happened to charity boy? That's why I'm still dating charity boy at the same time. So Mr. Hometown lives like an hour away. How do you define dating? I define dating as like, we're going on dates, we're seeing each other, we're being intimate. Like that's dating.

Are you having sex with both of them? Yes. Savage. Do they know about the other? No, no. You sure you don't want to be anonymous? Maybe I want to be anonymous at this point. So I'm very conflicted because I'm at a point where emotionally speaking, I like both of these men. And obviously the guy I've known forever,

we have like a deeper connection that spans over 20 years. And this guy I've just started dating, we don't have that. I care about them both. And I'm just, I'm very conflicted at this point. How long has this been going on for? You met them both within how long of a period of time? It's been, I've been dating this guy that lives in my city for the last three months and Mr. Hometown showed up about a month and a half ago.

Okay. So Charity Boy had a month and a half headstart. Yes, he did. Why can't you decide? Because it's like a head and heart situation. My heart wants the guy I've known forever. because it's like a head and heart situation. My heart wants the guy I've known forever.

And my head is like, is he the sound situation or is he like something worth pursuing? Cause I'm at the point where I don't want to keep dating both of them because it's taking an emotional toll on me. Yeah. Like how often are you sleeping with these guys? It's like once a week at this point. You're sleeping with both of them once a week? Yeah.

And neither of them have asked if you're like... No. And I mean, Mr. Hometown, he did like declare his love for me a couple of weekends ago. He was like, I don't want to see anybody else. I just want to see you. And I was like, okay, cool. What did you say?

I was just like, okay, cool. I like you a lot. But like, we haven't had the exclusive conversation with either guy. But he tried to. You think that's him trying to? What do you mean? Him saying, I only want to date you?

Well, it wasn't like that. It was like, I don't want to date anybody else. Like, it's just time for us to date each other. Yeah, yeah. Okay, semantics okay semantics yes he 100 is trying what think of all the women who listen to this show who are just like why won't he commit to me and why won't any and this guy's just like i don't want to date anyone but you like that's their like wet dream and you're just like is he trying to define the relationship i don't know because you're like having this other guy you're just like i gotta fuck james on thursday um yeah um i don't know what like what do you want me to help with like we should be trying to breaking it down here like what yeah i don't know what to do

like i'm stuck between the two and it's like what are you having a hard time with like what's i mean i get the head and the heart you know whatever uh one you've known forever what's your concern biggest concern with both of them well with like the guy that lives in my city it's if i pursue him and cut the guy i've known forever loose am i going to regret seeing like two years from now him getting married and seeing all those posts on Facebook? Is that going to hurt? I'll try to help you make objective decisions.

You can't sit there and worry about regret. That's the whole point. You have to figure out what you want to do. I don't know. You might get it wrong. Also, you have to take whatever you you want to do but like i don't know you might get it wrong and just and also you have to take whatever you decide the person you let go just just know that no matter what happens with the person you decide to try to form a relationship with that you let this person go right in a 50 50 shot they lost so compared to them with the rest of the world like the two immediately and go back oh i should have married the other guy no you should have

no you wanted them less than the person who didn't work out so you just got to let that narrative you you make a choice you accept it you move. I mean, listen, if something happened, I guess you could always like try to date the other guy, but like also it most likely won't happen because yes, there'll be moved on and find someone else. And you know, it would be a complete waste of your time to sit there and obsess over the one who got away because they didn't get away. You wouldn't know what it's like to actually date them. You didn't even like them enough to not sleep with someone else. Let's not glorify either of these relationships. You have found two guys that you like, neither of which have been good enough for you to give you a clear decision on what you want. And that's fine. And you might end up falling in love with one of them.

But right now, neither of them are all that special to you. They're good. They're pretty good. They have a lot of potential. And you're happy about that potential. So let's not oversell it in the future if things don't work out the way you hope for either of these guys, right? So there's that. So just take that stress off your, you know, and let that go. Now, what do you like?

What is your favorite thing that you like? What's your favorite and least favorite thing you like about each person? And I want you to, you know, before you answer, about the person, not the situation. I don't care how long you've known either of them. I don't care what city they live in. I don't care about, like, what your friends might say. I want to know what your favorite and least favorite thing that you know so far about the individual.

So my favorite thing about the guy who lives in my city is that he makes me feel valued. And he really listens to understand when we're in different conversations. And I think my least favorite part is he can come across a little cocky, like as most finance bros do. And that's how he comes across.

He wants you to know he's donating to charity on date two. Yeah. Like as most finance bros do. And that's how he wants you to know he's donated into charity on date two. Yeah. And then the guy I've known forever. I think my favorite part is I laugh so much when we're together. And probably the least favorite part is like the rap he has. Cause he doesn't have a very good rapport with like the community. He's like known as the bad boy. Why so? How so?

He's made some decisions in the past that has gotten his name in a newspaper. You know what I mean? But not in legal trouble. He just got in some trouble. Explain. This is definitely going to be an anonymous

call, by the way. There's been some like, this is definitely going to be an anonymous call by the way. There's been some like incidences where like he's gotten in trouble with law enforcement, not enough to go to jail, but like the name has been in the paper for like public indecency. There's like back in a bush though. No, like they can walk down the street.

Whatever. Who's better in bed that's like the thing i would say like the guy i've known forever just because like we hooked up in college and there's a like we're familiar with each other yeah but like that's not much of a head start yeah but like he knows what I like and what I want. But you like both? Yeah, that's why I'm having such a hard time. It's that time of year when everyone's thinking about how they want to make changes and improvements in their life with New Year's resolutions.

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meals from Martha Stewart every day of the week. Who do you think handles disappointment better? I would say probably the guy that lives in my city just because he's older. He's more mature. No, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Yeah, but he's been around the block a couple of times.

I'll tell you what, the charity thing bugs me. And the fact that this guy, and granted, it's like, I got him some slack. He's on a date. He wants to impress you. He likes you. I get it. But you what, the charity thing bugs me. And the fact that this guy, and granted, it's like, I can count him some slack. He's on a date. He wants to impress you. He likes you.

I get it. But, you know, um, I like people like that. And I'm, I'm really generalizing here, but the finance bro who likes to talk about his charity,

like I would, would strike me as someone that it's good as long as you're on the good side. You know, you have an advantage with the guy you've always known because I assume on some level, you know what it's like to be on his bad side to a certain degree versus the new guy. I i mean you just know

more about him like do you know how the hometown boy fights or how he handles disappointment i mean kind of he's not really like a fighter and like. Whenever we've had conversations, we've been friends for years. I don't know. He just cries and then gets over it. Okay. What about the new guy? I don't know. I've never seen him disappointed before.

Well, you could tell him you're sleeping with some other guy and see how he handles that. That's a serious question. Like, I'm curious. And this is just totally whoever you decide on, do you plan on being honest with that person about what's been going on the past couple months? I mean, if we're not exclusive, do I have to?

Like, divulge everything? I don't know. It just depends on what kind of relationship you want. I mean, in a perfect world, yes, I would. But I don't know if I would be completely honest because I would be afraid that it would hurt that person. Part of a relationship is sometimes hurting the person you love the most, but being able to work through it. You can't avoid hurting the people you you love all you can do is try to be as upfront as possible and and and uh but you can confidently it sounds like you you know that you would be hurting both of them if they knew yeah so i think you should stop sleeping with both of

them until you figure it out i don't know if you're going to, you probably won't do this, but. No, I like, I want all of the advice because my friends, they are not giving me any. They're just like, live your best life. Do both. That's not very good advice. Yeah, live your best. Like, listen, if you,

like if you're just, you have the right to date, they haven't really drilled you. And if nothing else, if all you are is like casually sleeping with two different guys hey yolo but if you think that one or either of these guys has the potential to be your somebody then i would prioritize starting off on the wrong right foot and you are starting off on the wrong foot with both of them. And neither of these relationships will work with whoever you decide if you can't get through

some awkward and tough conversations about this. Now, the way to handle this would be to face it head on, knowing that you could lose both of them, but deciding to do the right thing as a result. And you, you know, first I would make it, you know, I don't know how you want to approach it. And, but you have to say, listen, I need to be honest with you. This is going to be hard to hear. And, um, I obviously, you know, we haven't defined anything, but I have been dating someone else. And I don't know how if you have to like, I think you should just be upfront about that and then see what they ask.

You know, so if they ask you, well, have you been hooking up with them? You have to be honest. I've talked a little bit about this, but Nellie and I, my girlfriend now, when we first met, we dated, casually dated for about nine months, right? And it kind of started as a hookup, but like, you know, we kind of kept hanging out. And we were just very open about like what we were or what we weren't.

And so we knew that we were hooking up with other people. And to the point where like we had conversations about it and it wasn't always fun to hear. It was irritating, but you know, we made our choices specifically. I made my choice. I don't want a date. And so I wasn't in a position to tell her what she could or couldn't do. Weirdly enough, that, that, that, that, the way we handled it then makes me feel has helped our relationship now. Because there is such a level of confidence in our ability to be honest and upfront with each other. We feel like no matter what happens, there's nothing we can't talk about or avoid.

We're not afraid of the other person losing their shit, right? It doesn't mean we're not afraid of upsetting them. That doesn't mean we don not afraid of upsetting, you know, that doesn't mean we don't get each other upset sometimes, but we just have that confidence because there's the worst thing I think you can have in a relationship is this fear of disappointing someone to the point where you justify being not fully honest because you're like, well, don't get mad.

And that's just not a way to have a relationship. It's just not. So I think maybe you could use this to your advantage. I think you have to acknowledge the fact that neither of these guys are so great that one's not outshining the other. And that might mean that maybe you're one of the few people who simultaneously has found two wonderful men

and you could be happy with out of them or more realistically maybe maybe neither of them are your guy you know and you are only 27 you know like it's i you know that's oh why are you still single because you fucking want to be i don't know you're living your best life so whatever his mom says it doesn't matter like there's societal pressure you know whatever so you could use this opportunity to just see which one handles disappointment better you know which one can and they're both going to be hurt and they have a right to be hurt they also have a right to be a little frustrated with you because you could have been more upfront and honest but you haven't

really committed a crime or a sin that is unforgivable in the you know because you haven't really committed a crime or a sin that is unforgivable in the, you know, because you haven't like, there were no expectations around this. They've avoided asking specifics because they didn't want to know, you know, so here you are coming clean. And I personally,

whoever handles this better would be the person I would want to get in a relationship with, to be totally honest. That makes a lot of sense. I would just keep asking yourself questions, minus that, you know, minus using this opportunity to see which one handles disappointment better. I would just keep making lists of, you know, things about their character or what you know about them. Tall doesn't mean anything. His job doesn't mean anything to a certain level. How you feel around them matters.

Makes you feel heard and seen. As you described the new guy, that stuff matters. And I would think long and hard about that stuff. And I would take any type of fairy tale, you know, his mom being like, oh, you finally guys, like, it doesn't matter how long you know them, but your story of how you met doesn't matter. And just try to make the right call and then just own your decision and move forward and let the other person go. Sounds good.

So, all right. Well, Godspeed. Godspeed. Thank you so much. Please follow up with us and let us know how you approach this and what was said and who you chose and if you are together in like a month. I'll let you know which one's less pissed off. All right. Let us know. I will. Good luck. Thank you.

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Hi. Hi. I am well. What's your name? I am Eden. Hi, Eden. How old are you? What's your name? I am Eden. Hi, Eden. How old are you? I am 38. How can I help? Well, I just recently started.

Well, I'm dating him now. So I just recently started dating a guy that has general herpes. Okay. And I take my time getting into relationships and I haven't been in a relationship or even have never had a sexually transmitted infection. And that's something that obviously is really important for me in my dating life. And it's been a question that I've asked. Like I ask every guy that I've been with, you know, if they, if they have one. So this is the first time I've experienced, um, somebody having one. And, uh,

so far I like him. I don't, there are things that, uh, like I would possibly like to have another kid. He has a vasectomy, um, like that thing, you know, isn't certain, you know, it's not like, it's not like a deal breaker, I guess I should say. But there's just a few things that I'm just like, I don't know if going further into the relationship is a good idea. And it's really because of the fact that he has this STI. Okay. I'm just curious what you have to say about it. So you're like, I want to know if I think you should keep dating him. Yeah.

I mean, with so far, I mean, like I said, when I first emailed, but you i first emailed but you're you know it says here it says here you're you're into him and if you don't mind me reading you know this it says you want to fuck him really bad you're like into him you're you're turned on okay so the temptation is there okay yes yeah um big time and like i said it's been a couple years since i've even dated anybody okay and and there's a lot of good stuff like there's yeah it feels really good and

he's he's just he's doing everything right you know yeah well um herpes isn't a death sentence when it comes to relationships, despite the common misconceptions that are out there. And I will say just for starters, like, I'm not a doctor or an expert. And I think everyone, you know, who's listening to this, and including yourself, should, if you have real questions about the medical side, should consult with a healthcare physician about like your risk. okay so that's good right um and then maybe you can share what you've heard as well and correct me if i'm wrong on any of this but it's not a death sentence i literally like yesterday i do my weekly questions like instagram and someone asked me that same

thing it's just like i like a guy he has herpes what should i do kind of thing right so like the point is more a lot of people are dealing with it it is it is not like a niche sti it is far more prevalent and common than people realize or want to know you know there's a lot of misconceptions about type 1 versus type 2 versus like, yeah, like type 2 naturally is more common in the genital areas and type 1 is more common in the oral area, your mouth, but they can overlap and if you

get one in the other place, it might not like, you might not have as many outbreaks and things like that, but it's still, either way, they're both considered herpes by doctors. You know, like if you have a cold sore, people are like, oh, I don't have herpes, I have a cold sore.

It's like, no, you have herpes. That's herpes, yeah. So there's just a lot of ignorance and misconception around there. And given how many people out there have it, like it just isn't a death sentence. So I think that's just important to know. I mean, again, I'm curious what your healthcare provider mentioned to you, but I'm under the impression that you said this person is taking some sort of pill that suppresses the risk of him having an outbreak?

Yeah, he was. So he was doing it on the daily because it had been a while. And what's that called? Is there a name for it? I think one of them is Valtrex. Okay, yeah, I think I've heard that before.

So anyway, he's 48 okay and uh he hadn't had an outbreak in a while and then probably due to covid and all that he started getting some outbreaks um a couple years ago and so that's when he got back on a daily suppressant. Okay. But now he's not doing that anymore because it stopped. So I think he did it for a year, a little over a year. Sounds like this guy's been really open to you about his... I know, right? That's great.

They all have been. Since I emailed you to this conversation've I definitely like him a lot more okay so you're a little bit more emotionally invested now even since you've written in yeah I am but there's still I mean like I said I haven't dated in a while this has always been really important in my life of course obviously it's important to everyone but um but the other i mean my biggest thing is that i'm not quick to fall in love like really fall in love um and so i mean I guess it's just weighing the good things with that. It's just...

Yeah, I mean, that's ultimately what you need to do, right? Like, I mean, I can't sit in here and tell you what you should do, and there's certainly a risk. And I, you know, like... Yeah. We had a caller a while back who was on your boyfriend's side or this guy's side who had contracted it. And certainly there's a really heavy stigma around it. And they struggle with it and they told it from their point of view in terms of dating and what they should do, how they should approach it now that they contracted herpes and still wanted a date.

And how do you go about that? And I sit there and I can't tell anyone, I can't tell you to dismiss it or not care. It would be valid for you to just say, I don't want to take that kind of risk. It's a risk. Can you get it and live with it? Sure. A lot of people do. But I can't tell you how to handle that.

But a lot of people are in relationships with people who have it and haven't contracted it. But they do have to either take medication, they have to wear protection. These are things that you're like, not ideal. A lot of people are like hey

listen if i'm gonna like you know be in a relationship you know i don't want to have to wear a condom you know like people have that kind of thought process but like listen you know you just you just have to decide for yourself you know do you are you willing to walk away from someone that you know you say you haven't dated in a while. You recognize, you know, as I generally believe that as you get older, part of the riots feels harder to find people we connect with is because we're more selective. We're more particular. We've, we have dated a handful of different people and we realize what we don't like. So we don't bother dating people. We already, we've dated before that we

know we're not going to work out with so here you are you've dated this guy that you're connecting with you really like and you you know all things being equal but you found out he has general herpes and you're you're grappling with that so like i mean if i were you if i were in your position what i and i would have the same fears and I'd have the same reservations and I'd be like, but if I really felt connected with this person, I wouldn't walk away from it on that alone. I would maybe refrain from being sexually active right off the bat. Like, you know what? I might wait to have sex a little longer than I otherwise would. Sure. Right. Because like, well, I want to spend more time getting to know this person. And then while I'm spending time to get to know this person,

I'd keep, you know, doing my research and learning about it and then getting comfortable with talking about it. And then maybe talk about like, okay, if we ever had sex, what does that look like? What does our, you know, and they're just going to have to be okay with talking about it. It sounds like he is. It sounds like he's pretty open about it. And that's really nice and great. Yeah, it's really attractive. But yeah, I mean, you're just going to have to decide. But there's, I mean, if he's that great in all these other aspects,

there are so many people out there having wonderful, great, successful relationships and great sex lives with people who have contracted herpes and they haven't yet and there's always a risk as they continue to have sex but they can manage the risk and they can be smart and thoughtful and you may always have to like consider wearing condoms from time to time and you know obviously if you want to have kids again there's a greater risk you know risk of maybe not wearing a condom one time. You'll just have to gauge that for yourself.

I can't tell you what to do, but a lot of people are accomplishing what you're considering trying to accomplish. I don't know if that helps you at all. I imagine on Reddit or other support groups where you may be able to find more information anonymously about like people who are in relationships with people who had it and what was that like and how do they go about it. And, you know, always jump in those a little careful because that can be like a rabbit hole of information. But, you know, find someone who maybe might have, has been in a similar position.

But yeah, certainly if it doesn't work out and like you take this risk and you sleep with them and you end up contracting it and then the relationship doesn't work out, It's not a fun reminder of like, no, I know someone, um, you know? Yeah. And also like, is it worth it?

Cause it's, I'm, I'm picky. So it's like, I don't know. It's just, uh, anyway,

it's like, is it really worth it? Cause I'd be willing to, how many relationships last? I mean i'd be willing how many relationships last i mean how many how many relationships have you had and failed i i mean to be totally honest i've only had one what i consider real boyfriend like i've dated people for even a year but i wouldn't even ever consider them my boyfriend all right let me ask you this it's a hypothetical question right you don't know hope you you you're hypothetical question, right? You don't know.

You're getting to know this guy. You don't know if he's amazing or perfect. You're really connecting with me. It's great, but there's no guarantees, right? But if I sat you down, I'm some genie in a bottle and I'm like, all right, good news, bad news. Good news is everything you've ever wanted in a partner and how you've wanted to be loved, I can get you that. And I can get it to you for the rest of your life. You will, when it comes to love, never be wanting anymore. There's one catch. He's going to have herpes. And there's things you can go about it. And you have a 20% chance of someday contracting it. And if you get it, inconvenient, there's some health risks, but overall, millions of people live with it. They manage it and it really doesn't alter their life all that much. And since you're always going to be in a relationship with this person,

you don't have to worry about braving the dating world, now having it. Now, again, that's not realistic, but I'm just curious. If your perfect person had herpes, would you say yes to that scenario? Yes. Yes, I would. But that's probably the bigger holdup right is that it's like uh you know if it doesn't then dating you know like I mean what he has to go through it's like he has to sure tell all of his partners yeah I mean realistically he is and and that's awesome that he is the way he is and it sounds like you would be too but a lot of people don't know and a lot of people don't communicate it like yeah more people I don't think no like if you go if you go if you go get an

STI test and you don't specifically ask for like if they just like swab you like you're not getting tested for uh herpes most people don't realize that they have to draw your blood i get tested and test for yeah i get tested for everything yeah but like a lot of people will go and like they'll they they'll be like oh test me and like unless you specifically ask for a lot of times they won't test you um right part of it is because it's so common they just don't you know just like if you've if you've never experienced an outbreak they won't do it it's kind of yeah you have to ask because i do each time a lot of people i like to have unprotected sex so uh so i get tested a lot you know often yeah and to that point if you

like having unprotected sex that you could not date this guy and still get herpes i know so i know right you know again it's it's more common than people realize out there. And if you're having unprotected sex with people, then, you know. Yes. Right. Yeah. I know. I know. I've totally thought about all of that.

And it's just weighing. I just wanted to hear. Yeah. I mean, listen. My sister is like in love with your show and she's like, call him. Tell your sister, thank you. If you really like him, you're connecting with him. I don't think there's any harm in continuing to get to know him and you might have to hold out and maybe you could have protected sex and it's not as enjoyable as unprotected, but like,

I think you're definitely minimizing your risk risk I reserve the right to be wrong there I don't know the percentages or whatever but it certainly reduces your risk you can get back on the medication um and yeah I think it's definitely doable he's the first person you've liked in a couple years and I don't think that's well even longer actually and that says a lot I mean all seriously it might be it's more likely you can get herpes from someone else

than find someone that you connect with the way you're connecting with this guy if it's been that hard I mean if we're just talking probabilities here I don't know like that's a logical argument to be made yeah definitely so and he is he's really cool so i feel like if he's if he's that cool you can make it work and you can manage manage it yeah yeah i think but there's no guarantees there's there's always risks no i know

yeah well always right the only difference between this for you is that you know the risk sometimes people well most of the time people get in the relationships there's risks they don't even consider them they just go you have unprotected sex and get you know pregnant with someone you barely know and then you know you decide you want to still want to have a kid you know whatever or or you know there's there's always that happened to me so there you go exactly that and you and you survived that so yeah and thank yeah thank goodness because she's wonderful there you go so there's always yeah you know i feel like you should just at least keep hanging out with them and learn more. Right.

Which I'm going to. I guess it's just nice to hear somebody else's opinion. Right. And especially since this is what you do, talk about relationships. Well, thanks for calling in. But yeah, maybe check out some support groups or some Reddit threads of people who might be able to offer some additional insight. More about managing what a realistic sex life is with someone who is dating someone with it and who has successfully not gotten it up until this point. Right. Yeah, I think that is a good idea. All right. Well, I think we got an answer. All right. All right. Well, good luck. I hope it all works out.

How's it going? Good. Hi, Nick. I'm Amanda. I'm 26. How are you? Good. How can I help? Good. So I started dating this guy about a year ago. He broke up with me by ghosting me in April. So we didn't talk for about two months. How long did you date for? A year. And then he just disappeared? Yeah. Like one day you were talking. that's uh that's ghosting i yeah i wouldn't answer my calls wouldn't answer my texts and i did not want to be that person to like show up at his house but um almost almost went there understandable yeah it's human yeah so two months later he messages me and he's like hey you know you know what? I'm really sorry.

I just wasn't prepared for this relationship. Sends me this big long message, basically like begging me to come back. And he wanted you back. Yes. And saying like he messed up. He really loved me, all this stuff. And obviously I was really hesitant because of the experience that I had. But there I am being

dumb and I go, yeah, that's fine. As long as you like promise not to do that to me again, like that really hurt me. So as long as that doesn't happen again, I agree to work on things. And so we work on things for about four months and fast forward to September where he does it to me again, no surprise. Um, except this time he does it a little bit differently where what I like to call breadcrumbing. So like he would message me like big, long paragraphs about like how he loved me, how he wanted to be with me. And then if I would respond, he wouldn't say anything. So he would just leave me on read. And he would do this for probably like a week and a half. And to where I finally just figured he's doing it for his own ego. I'm not going to respond because what's the point. So I left it and I figured, obviously he's

on like some sort of like, I don't know, ego kick where he still does care about me. He just like, doesn't know what to do. So I was like, I'm just going to leave him where he is. And I'm going to continue on my life because I just kind of wanted to be single and not be like, had my head messed with. So two months later, I go out with this guy and it's a mutual friend. It's not a date, but we go to this bar where we're supposed to meet up with other friends. And we're sitting there and he says to me like, oh, so-and-so is texting me to go out. And it turns out that it's my ex and his friend. And he's like, we should go to that bar.

Now, this guy does not know that me and my ex dated because he was in from out of town and he was not in town when all of this occurred. So he is kind of like completely out of the loop. So he has no idea what he's like asking me to do right now. So he's like, we should go to the bar with them. And I'm sitting there like, uh, um, I didn't want to make it uncomfortable. So I was like, yeah, just like, let them know that you're with me. Like give them a heads up. So he does. And immediately this kid's phone starts blowing up and they are telling him, you need to leave her just dine and dash on her. Just tell her you have to go to the bathroom like trust us we know her we know who she is how do you know they're saying all this he actually handed me his phone and i was reading the text messages as they were coming in because he didn't know what

to do and granted that is an uncomfortable position how close was he like how close was he with these guys? Not very close at all. So just kind of hung out maybe one or two times. So not super close. So he's looking at me and I'm looking at him and I'm like, I don't even know what to say right now. He's like, what did you do to them? And I'm like, oh, great. I'm going to have to explain the whole story. you do to them and I'm like oh great I'm gonna have to like explain the whole story so then I kind of just give them like a small like snippet of what happened and I was just like but I didn't

know we were all on bad terms I thought we were good so I'm not really sure like why that's there well I'm just what I'm curious about let me interrupt for a second yeah I'm curious about why you are on bad terms and it's his fault from your version that i'm hearing yeah why you know when when he when you're sitting with this guy and your ex and his friends text and you said well let them know you're with me i really hated that answer for you. I know. And I believe me, I hated that answer for myself. Hindsight being 2020, what would you have said with the benefit of hindsight? I probably wouldn't have even said anything. I probably just would have left that alone. Because if I'm saying, let them know you're with me, then I'm kind of also egging it on

in a way. Well, you're also asking for their permission. You're kind of giving away your power. You're suggesting and implying that if they're cool with me i'm cool with them and i'm just like you have no reason to be cool with this guy i'm not saying you should like hold a grudge but you like it would have been totally reasonable and normal for this guy to say hey listen well small world this is super awkward that's my ex ex. And like, honestly, like, I don't want to say it ended messy, but he just basically ghosted me twice. And I just, I don't want to deal with that. So like, if you want to go, that's totally cool. I, you know, we don't owe anything to each other, but I just like, I'm just going to respectfully bow out. And you could have like acted unbothered and above it all, but also there's like been, it would have been totally reasonable for you to just say,

I don't want any part of that, right? And then you would have been in total control of that situation. And then you could have just peaced out or that guy, or you could have just given that guy the opportunity to say, you know what? I don't really know those guys. I'm not that good of a friend of them. Fuck it. Let's just keep hanging out and do our own thing. There's a good chance he probably would have said this. I mean, I'm guessing he would have said that seeing that he was so willing to show you all these texts. This wasn't like this guy like, oh, it's my bros.

And I gotta like protect my bros. Right. You know? So yeah, I just would have loved for you to like handle it that way. And like, again, it's fine if you named it. Don't pretend it doesn't bother you. Don't act like the cool chick who's on, like can just say like yeah i don't know i just don't i don't want any

part of that and you know and here's why it's a total reasonable explanation and and you don't avoid naming it you don't pretend it didn't happen you just say that you don't want to deal yeah i guess i was just so like hooked on trying to be like cordial and nice that i was just uncomfortable and i didn't know how to handle this situation to who to my ex and his friends who i probably shouldn't have been nice i don't know also like you weren't even rude to them like you didn't even know you're not you're not even worrying about what you're not even worrying about whether this guy would even relate that information he might you don't know you don't really know him you're just you're just talking to him why were you even thinking about

like what your ex would hear or his friends why were you giving again away so much of your power and energy about like you were like circumventing this conversation you needed to have with the guy in front of you, all while immediately worrying about what they might think and feel once they hear whatever it is they were going to hear. even now knowing what I know, or knowing what I know, I wish that I would have handled it differently. Because the guy was super nice about it. And he was like, I'm gonna stay like, he could kind of see it on my face where I was like, visibly upset. So he's like, it's okay. Like, I'm, I came here to hang out with you. I'm gonna stay with you. And he actually did stay with me. And it was fine. And we didn't talk about it again, because I'm like, I'm not bringing that up. So then the next day, another mutual friend of me and my exes calls me and he says, uh, you know, Hey Amanda, just so you know, like it's, there's this group chat that is with your ex and his friends where they're sharing your TikToks, your staff chats, your Instagram posts, your Facebook posts, all of it.

Now, keep in mind, my posts have nothing to do with relationships or anything like that. They're very just like. But all your stuff is public. Yeah. Yeah. So they're just mocking you yeah and why is he telling you this i and i really didn't know and i kind of just said like i didn't know who was sending the information i don't know why and i and he said well they're

kind of giving him shit for dating you and i'm like who cares like why is it even a conversation like that's stupid we're too old for this so then he says the sentence which is similar to what you just said um he said you're giving them too much power you're giving him too much power and he's going to keep walking all over you as long as he can because he feels like he can. Well, hold on, but he's talking to you like you're still, who is this random person? Just an old friend. But this random person is talking to you as if they're worried about you still entertaining the ex.

Yeah, and that's how they, I mean, I guess it's kind of like, no, I have not talked to him in like probably three or four months. And he texted me on my birthday, which was like a couple of weeks ago. And he said, you know, happy birthday. I hope you have the most wonderful birthday. And I'm still thinking about you all the time. Did you reply? I just gave it a thumbs up because I was like, I don't want to be rude and ignore it, but at the same time, I don't really want him to think that I'm engaging in a conversation with him. Next time, just ignore it.

You just need to cut this guy completely off. It's weird if this random person is telling you and like i'm sorry you had to hear that because no one likes to hear about being mocked but like it's not like they're like exchanging like personal information they're just laughing at you i mean i'm sure there's probably like group chats people laughing about my instagram and tiktok so like whatever in the club um yeah you know what i'm saying so like whatever like it's hard to hear but So like, whatever, like, it's hard to hear, but like, it's really not your problem. It's more their problem. Yeah. And that's why I honestly like privated all my accounts and I went through and I figured like,

I probably should not block the people who are following me that are friends with him. So I just removed them as a follower because I was like i don't want them to think i blocked them i just would like to do that instead so they can't see my stuff and it seems like things have calmed down quite a bit but like my question for you was number one how do i stop playing this game that they think that i'm playing even though i haven't talked to them and then number two like if his... What makes you think you're playing a game? Well, I guess because of that random person that called me and he said that I am stuck in this game that I don't know that I'm stuck in. Unless there's something you're not telling me.

No. I mean, I'm not... I've really taken the time since this breakup, I've really taken it as a lesson and trying to be single and trying to find what I want in life because I do not want somebody to do that to me again because it was so hurtful. I mean, and I always listen to your podcast and I laugh because I'm like, oh yeah, we really did the whole playing house thing.

Like we really did. But at the same time, I really think this guy led me on to believe that a life was possible and that like he really wanted to have a long-term relationship with me, but I really don't think he ever did want that. So he set the standard of, I want this and this is what it's going to look like and then took it away with the same token I guess it was it messed me up so bad that I'm like I don't want to date for a while until I'm sure that there's a person that's right for me yeah well I mean next time you know take people at face value listen I i got ghosted once my first girlfriend took her

back so like i can't sit there and criticize you um for that but you know just recognize in the future not to give people second chances they don't deserve so there's that i mean i can't promise you'll never get ghost again, but like hopefully not. And that's a pretty extreme thing, you know, look out for people who are just big talkers, over promise and under deliver, you know,

that would be a sign that they are capable of doing it to you. But other than that, but like, as far as this, unless you're not telling me something like, again, the power of indifference it doesn't matter i mean uh like i made a joke about there could be people out there you know having group chats about my tiktok and instagram you know i i'm fully aware that there's a batch of subreddits and things like that. Right. And it's just like, I don't care.

You know, the only time that shit, I was talking, the Grister Joe came over and this weekend we were chatting and, uh, we were talking about if like you ever check your like DMS, you know, you're like other side.

And I'm like, yeah, sometimes I do for like work purposes, but I try not to because all it is, is this access to comments and opinions that really you don't need, you know, it's just a mental health issue. And it's just like, as long as it's out of sight, out of mind, it just, it's so, it doesn't have anything to do with you. Right. That's not just this person told you this is all you can do about that. But like, you don't have to do anything you just have to keep not caring and the only thing the only note

i would give you is that like who gives a shit what they think so if blocking them helps protect you like i think you should block them all because if they were literally i mean imagine you blocking them all and them deciding to go out of their way to create a fake account and still go on your page to pull your content and still make fun of you. This is way more about them than it ever says about you. And honestly, not that you need to know that, but that is not your concern. You know they do this, so just stop giving them access to you. It takes no energy to block someone yeah and

i think that i am scared to block people because i've had like very negative reactions to when i've done that before where people are like oh she's crazy she blocked me and all this stuff and so i mean the rule again if you've heard me like when you block someone, you shouldn't be thinking about what they say. It is not for them. It's for you. And you only block someone because you've reached a point with someone that I need to remove access from this person. I said, I've got to stop giving them access. It affects my mental health. It affects my day-to-day. They can think I'm crazy. They can think whatever the fuck they want. So I don't give a shit what they think about me anymore. I truly want them not to be a part of my life.

And that's why you block them. And it's a very valuable tool. And so you need to stop thinking about what they're going to think. Yeah. And then I guess my next question is, what do I do when his friends do make comments or try to talk to me? Do I just ignore it or just say... Why would you

interact with them? Who are they? They're really... I feel like you're not telling me something. No, I promise you I'm telling you everything. I don't know where you live and maybe

there's some mutual friends, but how hard is it to not engage with certain people? Do you work with any of them? Like, what's... You work with them. I work with their friends, yeah. His friends. So I don't have to engage with them at all.

Wait, wait. You work with these people you know are mocking you. So go to hr i i mean that's right isn't it like it's a rat like you're being harassed yeah but i the only reason why i wouldn't is because i have no proof i just have somebody's word you know if i had actual like proof that it was happening or if more people told me about it then i might take it to HR. But if it's just some person, third party. What do you do for work? I work from home for a business development company.

So you work from home? So you don't even see them all that much? Yeah, not at all. So one of them messaged me today and just was like, hey, how are you and one of his friends yeah just actually 10 minutes before this call yeah he messaged me and he said hey how are you and i just didn't respond because i don't was it work related no just ignore him yeah i just ignored it because i'm like if i keep feeding into these people, they're going to think that it's okay to be my friend. And what I've very much understood is that they're his friends, not my friends, even though I knew some of them before I started dating him. And you know what?

I don't believe in picking sides during a breakup. That's not how I am. But like, it's also like the guys will stick with the guys. They're not going to pick the girl's side and that's fine. There's no really sides to pick in this situation. It's he ghosted me. I'm moving on with my life. I'm not.

But just make sure you're not talking about, do you talk about this with people at work? No, not at all. Because I didn't want anybody to like repeat it. So I don't really talk about it with anybody anymore, just my close friends. And I've even tried to stop talking about it with them. How old are these guys? 26.

Okay, not that young. Yeah, I would just, again, continue to... The fact that you work with them, you work from home, unless you are forced to talk to them for some work work related thing just ignore him yeah and if they confront you about it just be like i don't know and you have to talk to him just ignore him yeah he probably if he was like a hey how are you he probably reached out because maybe they feel bad or guilty or you know what i'm saying like i could see a

world i could see a world where your ex said some shit and they were just trying to be all bros and maybe they felt like they were being mean. I don't know. And I wouldn't waste any energy of yours trying to figure it out. I would just remove all access they have to you and just move on from this guy. Yeah.

So I guess i just wanted to know like would i be a crazy biatch if i blocked them but i mean no i guess i'm not i guess it's valid what makes you think you're crazy in any of this i guess for a while i felt crazy because i did try to call him after he ghosted me and And I just kept calling and texting. So the fact that I was reaching out and he wasn't saying anything is what made me feel crazy. Listen, getting ghosted can really suck and ghosted ghosted like you did. And I am sure there are moments if you thought back, you probably feel a little embarrassed or crazy by how much you tried to get a hold of them right but like a that's a human response to being ghosted b you just have to accept it and move on and don't let him use it

against you if he is like again you know you're not who gives a shit about this guy in the relationship anymore right it's over you just gotta move on and in the future yeah like you know feelings are you know the more we talk about like you mentioned i felt like i was losing my sanity and like gas lady we've had all these conversations and like it's tricky because when feelings are involved you know people like i feel this and you feel that and it's just like miscommunication is is is very easy to have right um but either way this guy just sounds like a dick i mean like everything you're saying sounds and i'm not saying you were perfect and i don't know you know i wasn't there while you guys were fighting or what was going on it doesn't matter anymore and i'm sure there were times you know if you want to think back and like

realistic and be like i could have handled this better if you want to think back and like realistically be like I could have handled this better I couldn't have that better but like I had the right for my feelings to be validated then yeah but more importantly I think you just need to stop I mean what the only thing I'm picking up on is that you keep saying you're done but clearly

you're still investing a lot of energy I think in this guy more than you want to admit I think you just need to figure out how to just completely drop thinking about this despite it being hurtful despite like him saying a lot of things to you that felt like he was attacking your sanity or or you felt like you had to defend something and you you know he sucked so you know if you had to defend something and you, you know, he sucked. So, you know, if you want to talk to a therapist about it, that'd be normal. Right. But I think you need to stop, stop giving that you're still giving this guy and his friends a lot of energy and a lot of, of yourself and you've got to try to stop doing that. And so, yeah, if you want me to like, it doesn't sound like you're crazy at all and sounds like he's a dick and and i think you just need to you know um you're at this point

it is a little bit of your ego trying to justify that you're not crazy you know it's a little bit of like because i feel like you know that you're not like you know what i'm saying like you know yeah and and what you what you want is for him to say that too and that's just your ego as long as yeah and that As long as you believe it, that's what matters. But him validating you, that's your ego. Yeah.

But I still think you're searching for a little bit of that, to be honest. And there's probably part of me that is. And I think that that's part of the reason why I want to, or why I try to stop talking about it, at least to like friends and stuff. Because in my mind, if I stop talking about it, I can deal with it on my own and stop reaching for the opinions of people who are probably tired of me talking their ear off. Sure. You know, so I think that if I like fully allow myself to deal with it then I'll be fine but I think part of me is still pretty angry and no I get it but you know so maybe stop talking to your friends

about it if you want to talk with a therapist about it but also like challenge yourself to accept that it was not good for you he was not good for you the relationship wasn't good for you. He was not good for you. The relationship wasn't good for you. You're thankful for being out of it. You know you're not crazy. You know that he did a lot of hurtful things to you. And getting him to apologize or see your side or validate to you that you're not crazy is something that is just giving him more of you and your energy. And it's just your ego. You don't need that to move It's you don't need that to move on. You don't need that to find someone else. You're, you're, you're hanging onto that and you got to challenge yourself to not do that. And again, I, I, I, I say that from experience, like a lot of what you're saying, I really empathize with like, you know, the, from the

ghosting to like exhausting friends to like still being in it mentally, even, you know, from the ghosting to like exhausting friends to like still being in it mentally, even, you know, like I really, I really do. But you really got to challenge yourself to let go because you haven't totally let go. Control the things you can control at a minimum. And you're not controlling all the things you can control right now. And you need to challenge yourself to do that. And step one is to block him and his friends and not worry about what the fuck he thinks. Remain blocking him. Stop wondering if he's going to reach out. Stop seeking his validation. And you can do that. You are capable of doing that now. You just haven't chose to. Yeah. I have to man up a little bit here and just do it.

Yeah. All right. Well, thank you. The choice is yours and that should make you feel good. Well, thank you, Nick. I really appreciate you taking the time to speak with me today. All right. Take care. All right. Best of luck. All right. Block them. All right. All right. All right. Bye. You better do it. All right. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to check us out for The Bachelor Recap, Francesca Farrago on Wednesday. Send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com, and we will see you tomorrow.