The Viall Files - E369 Ask Nick - You Make WEED a Priority Over Me!

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

Today, on another episode of Viall Files, Ask Nick Edition, we dive into the world of situationships and answer your burning questions about relationships and the dating world. In this episode we are joined by our first caller who struggles with the idea that her boyfriend is hooked on weed, making it a higher priority than everything else in his life. Not growing up around it herself, this caller expresses concern that this may be a sign that their lifestyles are incompatible. Our next caller struggles with how to be supportive to her friend that has been stuck in a situationship for a long time. She asks for advice on how to help her friend ask for and get what she wants. Our next caller has been stuck in a situationship for almost two years and feels like she is getting crushed by the dreaded in-between. Now, she tries to learn how to not ask someone else to define the relationship, but rather, demand what she wants out of the situation. “You’re making it more of a priority than I’m comfortable with.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Wondery: Listen to Killer Psyche on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or you can listen one week ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app.   Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another ask nick edition of the vile files i'm your host nick joined by joined by Allie and Amanda. And, well, I mean, Teffy is here. I know. She's not on this episode. She's actually on next episode,

which we just recorded. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't want to get disappointed that you won't have Teffy on. Right. Do you want to tell them about the episode?

Well, you said blue balls isn't real, so they'll be fine. We talk about blue balls, but I want you to know that this isn't the episode I'm on, so I'm not an outfit repeater, you know? But if I was a cartoon character I think this is what I would wear

and I think about that all the time this is it this is it I think this is the most me lately but anyway yeah I hope this episode

is good or whatever but we have an amazing episode drug problems potentially oh caller from Spain

wants to know if her if her boyfriend smokes too much weed. Okay. He does, if you're asking. He does. It's always yes. Absolutely.

Like when people are like, I'm getting the feeling. I'm like, no, you're right. You just want to stay with him. Sometimes. But especially when it comes to weed, it's still overstigmatized. Right. I would argue in Los Angeles, understigmatized right I would argue in Los Angeles

under stigmatized he grew up in a different time in a different place like I'm not saying you grew up in the fucking 30s but I'm saying there are plenty of people who listen to this show

who might say come from a different part of the country absolutely marijuana like you know there's alcohol over the place that's fine

but like they pull out one joint and you're like what are you doing they call it dope I think it's still not right in Wyoming there's alcohol all over the place. That's fine. But like, they pull out one joint and you're like, what are you doing? They call it dope. They call it dope. I think, it's still not.

Right. In Wyoming, it's illegal in a big way. Yeah. Well, don't do drugs. And if you have to ask, then yes,

that's my rule. So, okay, so we did that episode. Let's wrap it up. Let's go to mine. Just post it. We did it.

You're going to have to wait a week. Okay. We have a great week lined up for you. Naz Perez my friend former bachelor producer is here hey i know there's not a bachelor episode tonight we are still going to talk about all the hot goss i guess we're just are we talking you are so good at girl talk it should be illegal oh you would be so good in my friend group you'd be like i don't know she has a point you would kill it good in my friend group. You'd be like, I don't know. She has a point. You would kill it.

I am, yeah. You're good at the girl talk. Is that like a Libra thing? I don't know. Well, I love it. Thanks. You shouldn't be named as girl talk. I feel like there'd be people.

Girl talk with Nick Viall. I feel like there'd be people who would have a problem with that. Oh, whatever. It's like in 30 Rock when it's like the girly show and then it's Tracy Jordan. All right. Well, we get into it this episode. Make sure you tune in next week. Ask Nick Monday.

Ask Nick Monday. I like that. Ooh. Ask Nick Monday. For Teffy. Hello, Teffy. Hello. As you might know her and love her on the old TikTok.

Get to her callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. As you might know her and love her on the old TikTok. Get to her callers. How's it going? Hello, Nick. Nice to meet you. My name is Amanda and I am from Barcelona, Spain. Nice to meet you, Amanda. Nice to meet you. I am 34 years old and I have a boyfriend or soon to be ex.

We don't know yet. Okay. How long have you guys been dating? Right. So we've been dating for almost a year now, February to be exact. And I'll give you a quick rundown as to how we met and where we are right now at this point. A year ago, we met through a house party. Well, it wasn't really a house party because there were still COVID restrictions and we weren't really, you were only allowed to have 10 people maximum

at home. So it was more like a dinner and we were invited by a common friend. Then after that, it turned into like a mini party, basically. And there was a lot of alcohol involved and a lot of weed smoking. Okay. And personally, I really, I do not smoke weed, but, you know, I'm also not a boring person. So when it comes to parties, once in a while, especially like post-COVID, well, it was still really COVID-ish.

I thought, why not? And I actually really had a great experience. I was drinking more than smoking. And then after that, he actually tried to pursue me for a few months. And then we got to know each other really well. I started liking him so much. And then little by little, I started realizing that he doesn't really just smoke weed when it comes to parties. He once invited

me to his place and he was pretty open about it, which I really appreciate that. So he showed me that he had a couple of weed plants or marijuana plants at home. He's grown it. Yes. And it was actually more than the limit. that he had a couple of weed plants or marijuana plants. He was growing it. Yes. And it was actually more than the limit. But then I thought, you know, it's Europe, it's Barcelona. People are very chill about it.

It's pretty illegal. So I just started to go along with it. I thought, I really like this guy. I'm not going to let that stand in the way and then three months later we went to Ibiza with a couple of friends and then that was really the point where I saw and we actually stayed for an entire week because our friend has a really beautiful house there we were able to stay I think it was even more than a week and as you know Ibiza it was really like hard partying every single day and that was really the first time where i saw him like from our we don't live together for now but then uh when when they picked me up his best friend

and him uh in the car i already noticed that they were smoking weed. And then I was actually wondering, because I really don't have any experience smoking weed. In fact, the few experiences I had, it was really terrible. I was just very anxious and paranoid. They were smoking weed. And at some point, I really thought, like, is this even right? I thought of it as like drinking alcohol while you're driving. 100%, yeah. this even right like i thought of it as like drinking alcohol while you're driving 100 yeah

they acted just like very normal to be honest and his friend was the one who was driving it was his car and then by the time we got to the airport i mean during that time as well they handed me weed i mean just to have one um spliff i think is how you call it and i did and with just one smoke i just basically was gone i i felt i was very high basically by the time i got to the airport i just felt so lost i was like what the fuck is happening there were so many people i don't know then um but i was with these two guys they still took care of me they took care of my luggage and everything. We got to the plane, got to Ibiza. And from there on, it was just nonstop smoking weed. And a lot of driving was smoking in the boat and smoking and other drugs.

Any other drugs, I mean. And that was the point where I just thought, okay, I'm not going to rain on the parade right now. But by the time we got back to Barcelona a week later, I had to sit down with him and talk to him. And I told him that I don't feel comfortable with the fact that, you know, I understand that it's a party, like I don't want to be the boring one.

So if he wants to smoke weed, take drugs and call about it, but I don't like the idea that he does it every day. And especially the fact that they smoke and drink alcohol and then they drive at the same time and I'm and I put myself in that situation as well and it's very typical they would say like no we've been doing this for such a long time that we've never been caught it's you know so I thought it's not the answer you wanted to hear I'm sure I've never been caught. And just so you have, just for you to have an idea,

they're also around my, we're, we're in our thirties, you know, we're not really in our twenties anymore. And then, but I really made it clear to him. I, I didn't like it. So he told me by the time we got back, this is around three months later on in the relationship, he told me that he was also sudden, he told me that he was going to do a detox for a month. And I felt so proud. I was like, oh my God, this is my man. Like, this is what I want. And then I told him that I'm going to be I told him that I'm gonna be there for him

I'm gonna help him I'm gonna support him and then three days later he visited his dad during the weekend and then we saw each other and just three days later he already smoked weed so it's not even a one um and his reasoning was and then I found out that he actually grew up in a family where his dad his dad used to be a well he still is a an actor slash musician he's a music producer his dad here and i just found out that basically his dad has been smoking weed ever since they were young. Like it was something that was very, he did it even when they were kids, like inside the house, when they were eating or whatsoever. But then surprisingly, he didn't actually start smoking weed until he was 27. But then I guess family-wise, it was something normal or at some point they all accepted it.

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feel uncomfortable around it but so the only thing that really changed was then he started he never really drove he never smoked weed when he was driving but then there would be moments where um between the six months up to a year now there would be moments where I would be invited um in in in a family gathering and then he would openly talk to his dad about weed, that he, for example, went to a coffee shop and he found this type of weed. It's amazing. And then I really just feel so uncomfortable. And then there will be also moments where I would just see him during a family gathering.

Like, he's completely okay. And then the next second, I would see him like with red bloodshot eyes. Is that how you say it? Yeah, yeah. Or bloodshot red eyes. Yeah. bloodshot eyes. Is that how you say it? Bloodshot red eyes. So it just carried on until it had been a constant basically argument. And he keeps on assuring me that he's, he's trying, he's trying until to the point where the email that I sent you, it was on Christmas day. The reason why I was really worried, or I just didn't know what to do

and Christmas would already happen, obviously, was because he warned me already that during Christmas, his family, it's quite like sort of a tradition that his family or his dad and his best friend are going to be smoking weed the entire night. They'll be eating good food, playing board games and smoking.

And that just to warn me, that's how it's going to happen. And for me, I just thought like, I didn't want to be on it at this point. I just felt like it's going to be very uncomfortable for me. And so I thought my option would be to just join. So I told him that I was just going to join dinner with the family.

And if I at some point feel uncomfortable, if he doesn't mind, I would want to join my friends later on. And we could both just carry on the rest of the evening separately. The morning of Christmas Eve, well, I would say that was the 24th. And that morning, I mean, the night before he slept at my place, and we obviously woke up together the next day, he went to shower, and it took him extra long to shower than normal. And then when he came back, he was, he brushed his teeth and everything, he was well showered. And then I could tell right away like his eyes was bloodshot like red like very very red and it was literally nine in the morning and I smelled him I asked him did you smoke weed

and I think that's what they call the wake and bake and he said yes and for me I just I was in complete shock I just didn't know what to do like we had a massive argument um that morning and then I still went to the family dinner and then um we and then he just brought me home after that and from that day we never talked up until now so I didn't spend New Year's Eve with him we didn't spend New Year's together and so basically we didn't talk for more than a week and because I just feel like I really need time to process this because to be honest I really tried to accept it but every single day more and more I just feel like it's such a deal breaker for me and I'm 34 if I'm dating someone it's because I see a future

that way and I just could not see I just could not imagine the father of my kids to be smoking weed while he's driving them or who'd be like um yeah or who'd be just be smoking weed first thing in the morning and I just couldn't really imagine that but that's why I mentioned that I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable or what what can I do to be able to compromise or to understand him a little bit more. Because for him, he doesn't see it. He would deny that he's hooked on it, that he's addicted and he thinks weed is very healthy. according to him because I told him that I feel like I'm disrespecting my boundaries,

my morals and principles now by just letting this happen. And also by just being in a relationship with someone who's just so hooked on it, basically. But for him, he sees it as something very normal. And I feel like we just really clash. I think stuff like this is just very relatable because it's like, oh, it doesn't kind of seem overly complicated, right? But there's a lot of nuances to your situation, right? I grew up like you. I grew up in a household where alcohol and any drugs whatsoever weren't around ever, never. My dad bought a bottle of vodka when I was a freshman in high school, and it stayed in our freezer for, I don't know, forever. It was never around, not during the holidays, just wasn't a part. I didn't do any drugs at all, none. I've never smoked a cigarette.

I drank a little bit in my 20s. I'm not a big drinker. In my 30s, I started smoking weed. And I dabbled here and there. It helped me relax. It helped me with my anxiety. I do

it on a somewhat regular basis now. Can you say regular? Like how regular? Like every day? Depends. I'll do a little bit at night, basically after work or in the night, I'll have a little bit, right? But make no mistake, it's a drug. It's not healthy for you. I take it because, well, one, I enjoy it. I find that it does relax me. It helps me unwind in social settings for me. That's my quote unquote drug of choice, my advice of choice. I don't like to drink. I don't like to get drunk. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't like how the feeling, I don't respond well to it. So the weed helps me relax and be social. It's not for

everybody. It's still a drug. It does change my behavior. I have a girlfriend. For the most part, I take a little bit. I unwind. I zone out. Once in a while, she'll do it with me. But also once in a while, she has the right to ask me not to do it from time to time. Maybe it's because she doesn't want me being a total space cadet. Or if we go to dinner, sometimes if I want to smoke weed, I'll be like, can you drive so I can smoke weed? And so she has to drive, right? But every once in a while, she has the right to be like, I don't want you to do that. And as her boyfriend, I want to respect that, right? And it's such a fine line between being in a relationship where, again, where you have these various boundaries and expectations, and then your

partner likes one thing that you don't like, and you have to compromise and figure out like, how do you do that, right? Because no relationship likes these kind of oversleeping, sweeping boundaries of like, you can't do this. You know, now I'm not a doctor. Either are you, I can't sit there and say your boyfriend's addicted. You know, I get the logic of like, if he has to wake up and smoke weed, then he probably addicted like i don't know maybe you know what i'm saying i i'm not an addiction specialist the fact that you tell this story of like it's obviously a part of like the culture of his family um you know in america like alcohol is a big deal in fact people like will x you out of friend groups if you don't drink with them you know there's a really kind of toxic mindset when it comes to alcohol in this country, you know, in terms of like, oh,

be one of the guys, you know, get drunk with us kind of thing. And if you don't, they can't trust you. There's, you know, it's kind of a weird thing we do. And yet we're still as a society, like, even as I say and acknowledge, I smoke weed from time to time on a somewhat regular basis, like even with my audience, I'm afraid of judgment. But if I say I have one glass of wine every night, everyone's like, oh my God, is it healthy for you? It's alcohol. Alcohol is not good for you.

Drugs are not good for you. But in moderation, if you choose to enjoy it, well, you can just decide that some of those benefits that you find might outweigh some of the cons. But it is silly if you're sitting with your boyfriend and you're trying to argue with you about that it's good for him. But now you've gotten... It sounds like you've gotten a situation where you're grappling with how are you a raise, the meaning of of it? Like, do you, you know, am I going to have kids with this guy? How involved is he? And now it sounds like he's like, recognizes that it bothers you. So like, I guess good on him. It sounds like for the most part, he's pretty honest with you. He doesn't lie about it, despite him knowing that you don't like it, you know? And he's like, hey,

listen, it's the holidays, you know, like a lot, a lot of times families get together. We drink, It's the holidays. A lot of times families get together, we eat bad food, we drink alcohol, you spend three days, and so his family does the weed thing. Despite all that, you just have the right to say, I don't know, this lifestyle, it's a lifestyle choice, right? And without judgment, not that you're judging them, you have to decide whether, do you want this lifestyle? Are you, you just have to decide, are you okay with changing some of your boundaries and accepting that you can't stop, you're not going to stop him. You know, like if you want to be with him, he's always, he's going to smoke weed for the rest of his life.

I mean, his dad does it. It's become a thing that he bonds with his father. I mean, here again, like, you know, people have like micro breweries and their garages and, you know, like it's things people can get really into. And that could be like a, literally a father son bonding thing of like, oh, you know, like I brewed this beer, you know, whatever. And they do it together. And it sounds like he's connecting with his father. Like he's never going to stop. So like, you just have to accept that if you want to be with him, you know, that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to say, hey, listen, okay, listen, you smoke weed, whatever.

I don't ever want you driving while doing it. Like I care about you. I don't want you to put yourself in danger, your friends, myself. If we ever have kids, like you can, whether it's alcohol or weed or whatever, like you can do things and do it responsibly and show that you're mature and not be reckless

and you can try to be as safe as possible and so you can have those expectations you can you can be in a relationship with someone and say hey listen babe it does change your behavior and sometimes i want you tonight i don't i don't want you zoning out and you know if he can't respect that from time to time that is a problem if he's just like if he can't ever not do it because because at any point Nana's like, hey, could you not smoke tonight? I'm like, okay, like no problem. You know, I definitely don't do it in the morning. I definitely don't do it at work. I definitely don't do it throughout the day. You know, I have some friends, I know people who have done it. They're kind of like, you know, they kind of operate on this like small buzz all day

long, you know? Yeah. But I think that's the difference because the way you talk about weed, I feel like you like to do it occasionally when you feel like it. And that's why I feel like your girlfriend is able to tolerate that. But from the way I see it, it's like, he really does it. The first thing when he wakes up, when he's working and during the evening as well. Like for me, to be honest, like I would, I do, when it comes to music festivals, for example, I would still once in a while take drugs, for example. Like I'm pretty much very in that, like, you know, I'm not, I'm pretty cool about it, but also just because I know

that I don't take it every single day. just because I know that I don't take it every single day. But the fact that I'm aware that he takes it every single day is what bothers me. Because if he just takes it once in a while when he feels like it, it wouldn't really bother me so much. But that's the only thing. I feel like no matter what, even if we're going to get up, get to a compromise, for example, like when we're not together because we don't live together yet.

Like he, I know deep inside that when he wakes up first thing in the morning, he would still be smoking weed and he would still be doing it every single day when we're not together, basically. And I think I'm more bothered with the fact that he's hooked on it. Like I, I had this conversation with my friends again, like this friend of mine told me, like, look at it as like eating, like eating cake. Like if you eat cake once in a while, it's good.

But if you eat cake every single day in the morning and before you sleep, then that's not good. So what I just want to tell him is that I don't like the idea that he's hooked on something. I feel like, I don't know if it's reasonable enough, but I want him to prove to me that he is not hooked on weed and that he can just take it once in a while. You're going to have a hard time trying to prove to him.

I mean, hooked is like, you know, it's one of those things you use certain words and people will respond to them. It triggers them. I know. He hates it when I say that. But it sounds like, to your point, if you do it every day, he's reliant on it. If you have to wake up and he does it, he relies on it to calm himself. And there are other ways to do that. If I smoke a little weed at night to relax, I might want to just be like, I've done it four days in a row. I need a knot. I need a knot. And so I have to exercise is another way to do it. Cold showers. There's other things to try to different things.

And yes, I think your question about am I being – you're being more than reasonable, right? you're being more than reasonable, right? Like you've acknowledged something that you're bothered with and you're not telling him what to do. You're not demanding things, you know? Like you might have to just agree to disagree and maybe just go separate ways. I think you just have to go about it in a way where,

you know, if he can't understand that, like, listen, I like you. We've been dating for this long. I see a future with you. And the reality is, is like, I'm not telling you, you can't smoke weed, you know, but you seem like it, whether, whether it's you're hooked or not, it's, it's, it seems to be a significant part of your life so much that like, it's a bigger priority for you that I'm comfortable with. If you decide to break up with them, you're not breaking up with them for the weed. You're breaking up with them because you've accepted that maybe your lifestyles

are just different long-term. And that's okay. If we live together and you smoke every morning, that does affect me. It's in our house. Our house smells like this. You smell like this. It's going to, I'm going to smell it. You zone out a little bit. I don't like it. And then I just, you know, I don't know. But like, can't you do it like at night only? Are you able to set boundaries for yourself? I mean, yeah, you're not addicted, but like, can you say no once in a while? Sounds like you're willing to compromise. He has to be willing to compromise too, right? If you have a conversation and you guys can at least say we want to try to compromise then you just give it some time and see you need to say if you

wanted this workout i accept it's a part of your lifestyle i know you're never going to stop that's okay i don't want to stop you from enjoying the things that you do there's no denying like it's a big part of your life whatever addict i don an expert. I don't know if you're addicted, but it's not fair to me that you will always do it around your friends around me. I don't want to always be around you when you're smoking weed. So I don't care whether you're, forget about whether you're addicted. I don't want this. It's my choice. And are you okay with recognizing that that's a normal ask? And if it's not, no problem, no judgment, then maybe we're just on two different pages. You guys both need to acknowledge each other a little bit. And right now, neither of

you have done that. So that's step one. And if you can acknowledge that, then there's a chance to see if you guys can continue that acknowledgement and that compromise and see if it works out. Okay. All right. Good luck. Let us know.

I'm ready to talk to him. Yeah, I know. Thank you so much. So wish me luck. My pleasure. I wish you luck. In 20 minutes. All right.

Thank you. We want to know. So we'll follow up My pleasure. I wish you luck. In 20 minutes. All right. Thank you. We want to know. So we'll follow up and you let us know in a month or so. Definitely will. All right. Take care. Have a nice rest of the day. You too.

Bye. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Great. What's your name?

My name is Rachel and I'm 26. How can I help, Rachel? So my question isn't actually really about my dating life, but I think it's about how I can be a better, or just a supportive friend. So one of my friends has been in kind of this like situationship for a couple years now. They're not exclusive.

My friend wants a relationship with this person. They say, I love you. They go on weekend trips, but obviously like the other person does not really want to commit to my friend. And so that's obviously been the source of a lot of anxiety and questioning and whatever. And so kind of what my friend has been doing is just like going through these cycles of trying to convince this person to be with them. And, you know And I obviously want to try and be supportive. And I know you have a lot to say about just like friends' opinions in general,

but I just wanted to talk through how I can be a supportive friend and help them realize their worth because it's not... So where is the friendship at now? And I mean, your friendship with this person in terms of, are they coming to you still about this person or have they felt fatigue or have you felt fatigue? Has it in any

way become contentious where you feel like, oh, I just need to back off? Where are we now? Because I'm assuming you've probably experienced cycles. Yeah. I mean, we have a really good relationship. We communicate really well. And I even try and kind of challenge and push back a little bit in a still like supportive, not, you know, condescending or anything way, but just because I care about my friend, obviously, my friend sees that. she was asking me about the situationship. The truth that, you know, I would hear her story and she would probably go on and tell me this like 20 minute story of how it started and all the things he said and the stuff he does and how he makes her feel and how, you know, 99% of the time things are great, but he just won't commit. And it feels like they're dating and he feels like they're a boyfriend and girlfriend, all the, things are great, but he just won't commit. And it feels like they're dating and he feels like they're a boyfriend and girlfriend, right? I'm sure this all sounds familiar. And

she would try to justify her choices to stay in this situationship. I think the number one rule when it comes to a situationship is that it's not a relationship. And I know that even your friend would probably be like, duh, that's why I get frustrated from time to time. But I find that most people in situationships will act as if they are in a relationship even though it's not defined. Or I'm going to correct myself, it actually is defined. Because clearly she has tried to define this.

It's defined as this person she's dating wants to be defined as single. And it's important for your friend to act single. The problem is, it's one of those things. We often kind of do the opposite of what will actually work, you know, in a situation like this. And people who find themselves on what I call the hopeful side of a situationship, because your friend is the one who's hopeful. She is hoping things will change. She's hoping this guy will see that they have something special, that it's unique, that he will want to commit to her, that he will want to prioritize her. And so she's on the hopeful

side of the situationship, right? And the person on the hopeful side of a situationship, what they want to do is they will want to show them their partner or their person on the other side of the situationship that, see how great we are? See how much fun we have? There are so many people who are dating and married and they fight. And we don't fight. We're great. And they try to show them through committing to them. So they will take themselves off the market. They won't date. They won't become

available. Sometimes people in situations, they might not take themselves off the market, but they will hide it from someone. They'll start going on the dating apps, but then if the person they're in a situation with asks what they're doing, they will either avoid the truth or flat out lie. So I have a plot twist for you. They tell each other everything. Okay, well, I will say, great, that is good for them.

That's a good thing, actually. You think so? I just know I couldn't do it if I was in that situation. That would be awful. I mean, listen, it's not ideal to be in a situationship for an extended period of time. But at least they're being honest. At least they're being upfront, right? Yeah.

The only time a situationship ever turned... My belief is that most situationships won't turn into the relationship that the hopeful person wants. But it can sometimes because every once in a while, someone just needs like some clarity, a boost, right? You know, part of it is the paralysis of choice of dating, right? You know, situationships,

like, you know how I always joke, how like, you know, there's a handful of like things and phrases that are mainstream now that like 10 to 15 years ago, we didn't even hear of. You know, I always joke about how kale, like the food, like 20 years ago, like, well, it's kale.

And now it's a regular part of many people's diets. Terms, you know, the gaslighting, the love bobbing, all these like phrases, like we didn't hear about this stuff five or 10 years ago. And now we do, right? So we are trying to be more aware and accountable with our expectations and what we want. And then dating apps. Dating apps have become mainstream. I know they've been around for a number of years, but now it's like truly there's what

feels like an unlimited amount of dating apps. There's all these social media apps and our access to these things are infinite. Again, I use that Netflix analogy a lot. Back in the day, there was less content available to watch. If you were lucky enough to

have cable, which we didn't have growing up, there'd be on TNT, Shawshank Redemption, and you would watch it. And then maybe your parents like, you know, got the movie channels like HBO and Cinemax and there's stuff to watch. And that felt like so many,

there's always something to watch. And then Netflix came out and all these streaming platforms. And now we spend all this time browsing, right? It's not that there's less. And yet we're always like, oh, there's nothing to watch on Netflix. There's nothing to watch.

There's like thousands of things. Literally, I don't know, maybe hundreds of thousands of things. And if not Netflix, then you have Prime TV and you have Hulu and you have HBO Max. And yet we're just like, oh, there's nothing to watch. We've watched everything there is to watch. And dating is the same way. So we have all these choices. We have all these options.

We're trying to not do what we did in the past. We're trying not to fall in love and get engaged. The first person we like the most in our small towns, which is great. I think that's awesome. But on the flip side of all that, we all have become very indecisive daters. So would you recommend like me kind of taking that angle if when we do talk about it again, it's like, because obviously right now, like we said, my friend would agree to a relationship if it came up.

So would it be beneficial for me to be like, the only way anything's going to change is if he really thinks you're gone? Yeah. Or is that like? It's one of those things. It just depends if what, is she prepared to hear what you have to say?

You know, I, again, I always say that you got to ask her questions. You can't tell her what the situation is. Like, what do you want? Aren't, are you tired of this? Are you tired of feeling the way you are feeling? I know. And I've asked that, like,

how long would you be willing to put up with this? And kind of the response was, well, if it works out and I'm happy, like, isn't it worth it? I mean, sure. But that's such a like a generic, like, well, why is it going to change? You should ask her that.

What is, why he is not, why would he magically change? There's a reason why he's not committing. Yeah. What's that reason? I'm sure he's attempted to give her some like, I don't know, right now timing but like what's the real reason and it and I'm assuming none of them sound like really valid to her

and yeah you know why isn't he willing to make her a priority you know yeah I know I think based on like what has been discussed before it's like he's got like some family stuff to sort out and so she'll try and like facilitate like oh you should talk to your sister like all this stuff and I'm just like you're not that's not your job to like do that you know also he's getting that's the thing it's good that you pointed out you know in that situation and it's good to like emphasize situation you know she is offering the services of a girlfriend to him for free you know like if you give things away for free people won't pay for it you know it's they won't sacrifice relationship is sacrifice you sacrifice. It is. It's about giving up some of your freedoms

to prioritize the relationship. You have two individuals who as individuals have certain freedoms that people in relationships don't have. And part of the reason what makes relationships special is that those individuals will sacrifice some of their individuality for the relationship. And sometimes to do that, they have to say no to them as the individual. Not completely. We can't lose ourselves entirely. But this guy doesn't need to do that ever. At any moment, he can be like, you're not my girlfriend.

Whenever he needs to, whenever it serves him, he can pull the we're not together card. And all meanwhile, getting like emotional support for like probably things he's not asking for, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And she's hoping that one day he will wake up and go, I just appreciate you. I mean, you know, as humans, we just, we don't work that way. She won't even know how she's going to feel because right now she can't even process that because now she feels so stuck. And then what's so fucked about these long-term situationships,

you know how I always talk about how in these relationships people will stick around because it's like, well, I've been dating them. We've been together for three or four years. And they will not get out of something toxic because they feel like, well, I've invested so much. And people in these long-term situationships will have that same mindset for something that never even existed.

I've worked so long to try to get this. What if it's like they have this in the back of their mind that I can't leave now because tomorrow could be the day. You know? Yeah. I feel for her, but she also has to hold tomorrow could be the day. You know? Yeah. I feel for her, but she also has to hold herself accountable for the choices she is making in this. It's not just one-sided. She is enabling him to allow him to take advantage of the situation.

You know? And as humans, all of us, including her, if people give us things for free, we tend not to pay for it. Yeah, it's really generous to say, you know what? Here's some money anyways. That's great and noble and generous, but we don't do that. And then we will justify our own choices of being like, you know, I'm good to her or whatever, but I really can't right now. And meanwhile, he's looking for better, but I really can't right now.

Meanwhile, he's looking for better, especially if they are actively both dating. He is looking for better. That's the truth. Now, I don't know if you need to say that to her right now because that will just make her defensive and things like that. You need to try to ask the right questions to get her to see from an unbiased point of view. Yeah. No, definitely. And some of the ones you gave were really helpful. So I appreciate it. I

could go on. There's so many more layers. The power and equity in this relationship is so one-sided that for her to have it be equal will almost never happen. And then and then god i would hate for her to wake up three or four years from now you know you know yeah she's in a relationship and then you know and then then she will really feel like she's starting over yeah i know and i think too what the power does is just kind of like puts rose-colored glasses like on her like viewing that person like because they're like he's contested you know like she just puts them on a pedestal i'm like why uh but to validate herself to validate her choices i mean yeah i've been there i've been her we've all been her like you know yeah and it's crazy how we like was like what

the fuck was I doing you know why was I afraid to like be honest with them why was I always afraid if they were leaving why did I give them so much I mean god but it's she wants to prove to herself or her ego I've already want to call it that she can win she can do this she can change him and if he ever comes around she's like it'll all be worth it and that will make me feel special because he finally chose me and she puts him on a special on a pedestal because like why would she possibly wait this long for a loser true and so that's why she will tell herself how great he is and ignore the problems and ignore the bad behavior and ignore you know all those things oh lots on unpack, but thank you. Would your friend, if, could you ever go to your friend, you know,

cause it's obvious this is anonymous and be like, Hey, uh, I went on the show, blah, blah, blah. I care about you. This is the advice this person gave, take it or leave it. But like, listen. Yeah. I don't know. I thought about it for sure. I'll probably let her know at some point. And I've definitely talked to her about this podcast before. Cause I talked to all my friends about it that I think would appreciate it.

But yeah, no, it's great. But maybe at some point, we'll see. Yeah, I mean, I just don't see, based on what you're telling me, any chance this is working out in a healthy way. Yeah, it's already not healthy. No, yeah. And again, short-term situationships, you know what?

Every once in a while, someone needs a kick in the butt, a wake-up call. We're all humans. And again, part of what I did with that kind of rambling, I talked about why situationships even exist. I can get why we all have, all of us who have been dating in the recent years, have become indecisive and reluctant to commit because we're just like, we're afraid of something better coming along. And part of that is great because again, we're no longer being like, you know what? I'm graduating

from college. I need to marry this person that I've been dating for two years, despite me being kind of unhappy and being okay with that. But like, whatever, I don't like, I'm supposed to get married. You know, we, we just gone from one end of the pendulum to another it's like it's we're just kind of dumb simple human beings like all of us kind of you can blame it on technology we're just not prepared to like be given all this access to things we don't know what to do with it we're learning all all about these boundaries and and these and we become indecisive. So every once in a while, we can need that. But this is a whole nother level.

Oh yeah, for sure. Sounds like your situation shift worked out for you, but this one, not so much. So, all right. Well, hopefully that was helpful. It was, definitely. Definitely have like more new questions to ask and stuff like that.

Yeah, exactly. You got to try her to she's got to see it for herself you can't convince her of it yeah because she has to feel like that's a thing if her ego if it was so involved it's almost like you have to trick her ego of getting her to choose her because she's special she's got to feel like this is a waste of her time and it's a very tricky thing i and I wish I had all the answers of a perfect way to do that for a friend, but it's tough to do. Yeah. Awesome. All right. Well, best of luck. All right. Happy New Year.

Thanks so much. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, I'm Michelle and I'm 27. Hi, Michelle. How can it going? Hi, I'm Michelle and I'm 27. Hi, Michelle. How can I help? Okay, so March of 2020, basically right when the pandemic started, I started seeing one of my coworkers.

I know I wasn't really good with COVID guidelines and things like that, but we were both working from home. So he would come over like once a week. Basically, we would just hook up. That was pretty much it. About a month in, I was like, Hey, like I started asking him where this was going. And he cut me off actually like right in the middle of that. Like we were watching Netflix and he just started talking about the show. So it was really awkward and embarrassing. I got super embarrassed.

Oh, so he didn't like cut you off and said, Hey, I just want to like cut you off right there. I'm not looking for a relationship. He was like, didn't like cut you off and said, hey, I just want to like cut you off right there. I'm not looking for a relationship. He was like, he cut you off and was like, can you believe that car chase? It got so awkward. So I just was like stunned, but I didn't want to like continue asking because it was really humiliating.

So I kind of just went with it. Why do you feel humiliated? Because I knew that he knew what I was going to ask, and it got really embarrassing for me because I pretty much knew his answer at that point. He didn't want to even bring up the subject. Yeah, but you didn't know why, but why the feeling of humiliation?

Because I knew he was going to reject me. Reject you or reject what you wanted? Reject what I wanted. It's just a matter of perspective. I think it's just important in these situations to not feel, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about wanting to set boundaries for yourself, regardless of what that outcome is. In fact, you should feel proud of yourself to say,

you know what, I've enjoyed this little month of sex sex turns out i like the guy i want more from him and good for me for knowing that that should really be your thought you know he's not necessarily rejecting you what he is rejecting right now is just like i like this free sex i don't have to commit i don't have to answer to her i don't know what they're doing i like this free sex. I don't have to commit. I don't have to answer to her. I don't know what to do. I like this. It's not really about you right now. You know what I'm saying? Again, we're just like,

this is turning like a situationship episode, but it's one of those things where he probably doesn't, like, yeah, in a perfect world, do you wish that you guys met? And he was like, I love you. I don't know, maybe not in a perfect world. Maybe you wouldn't feel the way you do right now. If in the sec, by the second date, he was like, I, I can't stop thinking about you. You might've been like turned off for all, you know, that's true. Yeah. I don't know if you

heard me. Uh, but when you said I asked him what this was or where this was going, I said that was your first mistake. And again, reminder, you never ask, what are we? You just tell him what you want. Hey, can I have a moment of your time? Great. Maybe not turn off the middle of a movie. And don't spring it on him you know maybe when the movie's done just be like hey there's something before i go

i wanted to talk to you about something maybe it's right after the sex i don't know that's a great time right after he like has amazing sex something he seems to want more of yeah you hit them with the this has been fun really enjoy it i want more and you say it confidently you know that's how you define a relationship you don't ask you tell and you just simply state the things you want and you assume always assume that their first response will be something like i don't know why they can't or why it's not convenient or why they can't commit. Almost always, if you start off, again, we're talking about hookup culture, we're talking about dating and not in any way judging your decision to have sex early on, good for you. You wanted sex, You deserve sex. That was your choice. But if you start having sex

before a relationship is established, that muddies the waters. It all of a sudden changes like, well, why do I need to be in a relationship? And yeah, I get it. We want to want the person to want to be in a relationship with us. But like, hey, you know, we're not sure if this is the one, you know, hey, we're not sure if this is the one. Because men and women nowadays are thinking about, well, and how old are you again? I'm sorry. I'm 27. And how old is he? He's 25. He's about to be 26. He's younger. It doesn't matter. Whatever. He's in mid-20s and certainly old enough that as soon as he gets a girlfriend and he commits, he's going to tell himself, I need to know that can marry her. You know, we, it's like, we're, we're trying to combine

new school dating with old school, like thought processes that like anyone in a relationship in our adult life, we must be able to answer the question. I can see myself marrying this person. I wouldn't date someone like we all say that I wouldn't date someone unless I could picture them marrying them. It's like, I don't know. And so forget about like the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend. What you are asking is a commitment to prioritizing the relationship.

I've said this, you know, a hundred times. And that is to, at a minimum, not have sex with other people. To maybe set some boundaries around how much you might hang out and do more, you do more things other than just hook up, spend time together, go on dates, et cetera, et cetera. And again, you don't ask them, you tell them confidently, unapologetically about what you want. And just assume he's going to say,

he's going to find a reason why not to. And this is because you for an entire month you've been having sex and he's just like i don't why would i want to you know it's just you've created this situation you you two have created the situation and that is sex without commitment that's fine and you're trying to change that situation and to do that it takes a little time sometimes most of the time not always but sometimes yeah well so it continued basically um it's still happening currently um so wait how long ago so how long has this situationship been happening it's almost gonna to be two years. Do you have a friend who's... Our last caller called in for a friend who's in a situation ship for two years. It's hysterical.

Is there another woman involved? I don't know. So basically he knows I've been seeing other guys casually. He knows I've been on apps. He does. And he's gotten jealous over that. But I have made it very clear. I'm going on dates with other people. I'm seeing other people. And I've never really asked him. I basically shifted mindsets that day to just like, we're hooking up and nothing else. So I like turned off any feelings that I was starting to get and it worked really well for a year actually. It did. Um, and then what changed was this past summer, he started

like asking me out, which he had never done before. And like, he started texting me all the time before he was just texting me basically like when he wanted to come over, but then he started texting me like, how was your day? Like, how are you? Like, how was everything?

He was texting me like every day asking me out. How's your response? I, I started liking him again, obviously, which is, yeah. So I would respond like by going out with him,

but you, you'd be quick to say yes. No, I would kind of match his energy to be honest. Like I, and I still do that. Like what do you mean by matches energy? So if he takes,

I know it's kind of like a game, but if he like takes a while to respond, I'm just like, I'm not going to respond right away. Or you were, you were always following him. Yeah. But I try not to do it too.

Like, obviously, like I don't want it to be too obvious. So, but I try not to do it too obviously. I don't want it to be too obvious. But yeah, pretty much. Did you ever disappear? Did you ever just not respond? Yeah, I do. I've done it several times. In fact, I just did it recently, and he was really bothered by it.

He texted me and was like, why are you ignoring me? Did you reply? What did you say? I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about. I was like, what did you reply what did you say i acted like i didn't know what he was talking about i was like what do you mean okay like and then and then he's like no i get it he always makes a joke about it he's always like i get it like you hate me or like you're seeing somebody else it's fine i get it and i'll just be like i don't even know what you're talking about and that happened again on saturday when he was over i was like i i don't what are you

talking about? He just got super flustered, and he was like, no, it's fine. I get it. I get it. Yeah, that's just manipulation. You got to nip that in the bud. Bud is a butt. I don't know. Because he's, I get it.

You don't like me. You hate me. And then what he wants is that response is, I don't hate you. You're great. You almost have to be like, hey, listen, bro. You're getting annoying, honestly. Have you ever tried to define the relationship since movie night? Yes. Yes, I have.

So it's clear. And the reason why I ask, and you can tell me that you can finish your thought, but the reason why I ask is that I just want to know at this point in this situation, Chip, you can at any point say, you know, I've been wanting to date you. I haven't said that. But you could say that. And it would be not, he couldn't say, what are you talking about? talking about? No, he would know. Okay. I'm assuming. But yeah, I brought it up about a month ago. How? Did you ask him again? Yeah, I didn't do it the right way. So you're going to cringe at this. So basically, it was right after we had sex. And I was like, so basically, we're just going to be fuck buddies. Is that the goal here?

That's all it's ever going to be. And he was like, that was terrible. No, I know. It was really bad. It was really bad. He was like,

no, that, that would be little what we have. He said, you're one of my best friends. Oh, and I'm like, how,

and what did you say to that um i was just like surprised and i was like you didn't challenge him on that no i said well i said really and he was like yeah i mean i've i've talked to you about so many things. Like, you know, he just went on about how like he trusts me and like how he's asked me for advice and he has like work and stuff, but I just, again, let it drop, which is stupid. And so I was just like, all right. So I guess my question is I want to cut it off because like, this isn't going anywhere. I'm pretty much done with it at this point. I just don't know how because anytime I try to distance myself and I disappear, like you mentioned earlier, I'll cave in eventually.

So then you're not done. I know. And so I keep getting confused. One day, I'm never going to, you know, text him back again. I do work with him. So I see him occasionally, but we have like different shifts. So I just don't know like how to end it. You accept that you have to, you have to, you know, well, first let me explain why you're, you're doing what you're doing. It's because you continue to have hope.

Because we both know that if he reached out to you today, you might pretend to not, you know, to challenge him and not come around right away. But we both know that if he did the right things and tried hard enough, you would be his girlfriend. And you're hopeful that will come around. So you reluctantly leave, which is good that you finally like, I can't keep doing this. This is nuts. You acknowledge that that is a good step, but you haven't let go of the hope.

So when he gets bored enough and caves and tries hard enough and does just enough to make you feel like, you know what? He's made me feel special enough. I can hang out with him and have some sex or do whatever it is you want to do. You've never lost the hope. And then you get back into that pattern. So the only way to stop it is to truly accept that there is no hope. Part of it too for me is he's really good in bed so like that's the selfish part of me is like I don't really want to give that up necessarily.

Okay well you have the right not to. I'm just trying to give you answers to these individual problems but you would have to sacrifice some good sex. He's not the only good dick out there. Yeah. no, that's true. I know it's few and far between, but I'm just saying. Pretty much. Also, not that I'm trying

to get you to hang on to the situation that most likely won't work out the way you want, but you haven't done the right thing to get him to turn around. He also is a little younger than you. Nowadays, 25, nowadays 25 26 year old guys like are just going to be harder to convince that the like that you're the person that this has been the rest of their life with you know and uh safe to say he's occasionally having sex with other women. He's enjoying that. That's fun for him. For sure. So what are you willing to do? Right now, you've been kind of wanting to get this occasional good sex from time to time.

It's like I don't know if you're even all in, right? So it's like, you're just going to have to, there's no perfect choice, I guess. You know, I can't tell you, you're not going to like stop hanging out with this guy and accept that there is no hope without missing the sex from time to time. That'll happen. If you get, you know, the food analogy,

give up sugar, whatever toxic things that, you know, you enjoy in the moment. Oh, fuck, I love this. It's so good. Cake, you know, the food analogy, give up sugar, whatever toxic things that, you know, you enjoy in the moment. Oh, fuck, I love this. It's so good. Cake, you know, whatever. You know, it doesn't even going to make you feel good after you enjoy it. First bite, so good. Eighth bite, not so much, you know, kind of thing. You miss it for a while.

It's like, oh, you know, I've given up sugar for like a month. Like, I could have a cheat day, you know. It's just like you got to stop giving yourself cheat days. You just have to decide i don't you know like there's no like perfect scenario of of of making this essentially toxic thing for you not that he's toxic but this the situationship has become toxic for you uh of making it healthy most likely and to do that you really have to be committed to say, all right, buddy, I just want to make, you know, yes, I value your friendship.

I'm glad you value mine. But like, I hope you agree that we shouldn't keep doing this. I don't want to be pals with you. I don't want to be friends with you. I have no desire. And let's be real, like be mature enough to agree with me that if we don't end up together, we're not going to be going to, again, each other's baptism or kids or not, you know, one's coming to each other's weddings. Like, yeah, I'm there

for you now because it's convenient and nice. And you know, both of us are technically single, you know? And so it's nice. And we've become comfortable with each other and that's all great. But like, I don't want to keep doing this and so i'm done no hard feelings you know you don't you just be very matter of fact and then if you scare him enough that he comes around you kind of say listen i'm not trying to play games but and i'm assuming you believe me when you agree with me when i say what trust do you have that is not just reacting to you leaving? And you tell them that. Listen, we, and I'm not blaming you, we are both responsible for the situation we created. But I can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. And right now,

you're saying a lot of the right things, but you said some of the right things before. And like, I just, you know, if you really think of me as your best friend or close friend, or if you really care about me at any level, you won't want me to keep feeling occasionally bad about this situation. I don't want you to keep feeling occasionally bad because like, we're just not nourishing each other, our hearts, you know, the way we want in the long term. And it's frustrating. And maybe both of us are missing out on something special. I don't know about you. I don't know what you want for your dating life in the immediate future, but I'm ready to find someone. I'm not desperate. I'm not, you know, I'll wait, but like, I want to find that person. And I was, I have,

I've been open to being you, but you know, you've always kind of been reluctant and I'm like, I'm tired of, of playing the games and you just stop being afraid of his answers. If you truly don't give a shit, just fucking talk. Just say it. Just own it and just fucking say it. Give a shit what he says. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He'll be fine.

Don't be mean. Just be honest. This is dumb. It's not all his fault. Take some of the blame yourself, but this is silly. Let's stop. I appreciate it. I'm going to, whenever I see him next, I'll tell him what I want and not, not ask.

That's, that's the key. Yeah. Yeah. Never, never, never ask. Why would anyone be like, you know what? I would like to give free sex without commitment or responsibility most 25

6 year old guys who are good at sex are really thrilled to have someone who's willing to have sex with them and be generally okay with them having sex with other people I know it's not the prince charming I always hoped for but like that's the world that we have created.

We people, men and women, with how we have gone about dating in 2022. And we've got to change the narrative. We're all part of the problem. So if you meet someone in the future that you like right away, maybe wait for the sex. You know?

At least you're setting boundaries early on. And again, that's only because you're setting a boundary of saying, hey, listen, first date went great. I like you. And I want to make this. It's about getting to know each other. You don't hang sex as some sort of prize to be won or something they have to chase. But you're just like, let's it's about getting to know each other you don't hang sex as like some sort of like prize to be won or something they have to chase but you're just like i just let's let's can we just focus on getting to know each other you know and then if you decide to have sex early on fine

but you you know and then again there's no guarantee you know just because you spend six weeks getting to know someone and then you have sex that like they're not gonna like change their behavior you know like I don't know. What you're trying to do is just set up upfront expectations as much as you can. Sounds good. All right. Yeah. Thank you.

I appreciate it. Best of luck. Don't forget you're sending your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. Say it again. Ask. Nick at castmedia.com. With a K. That's what it is. Yes. Naz at castmedia.com. Over the K.

That's what it is. Over the K. Yes. Naz Perez will be here talking all things Bachelor tomorrow. And on Wednesday, the amazing, the wonderful, the hilarious Taylor Tomlinson. Why did you look at me? Is our guest. Tease.

On Wednesday. He looked at me. Amanda already super excited. No, I'm being like, okay, I'm about to wake up at 7 a.m. the night after a wedding to haul ass back to L.A. to be there for that interview. There you go.

Amazing.