The Viall Files - E37 Ask Nick - Strippergate

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

On our third installment of Ask Nick, we answer questions from four more fans. But first, Nick responds to some complaints from Bachelor Nation regarding Bachelor in Paradise’s Demi and Kristian. Then we talk to a nice guy who didn’t get a second date, a woman who was thrown a baby-curveball, a fiancé in the middle of Strippergate, and a man haunted by a super-ghost. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail] for your chance to be on the show! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: BEST FIENDS: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/best-fiends-puzzle-adventure/id868013618 BOMBAS: https://bombas.com/viall NATURAL HABITS: https://nhoils.com See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is up everybody happy monday if you are listening to us on monday and if not i guess thanks for finally tuning in um this has been really great so far yeah the uh um i think sounds like we're getting a lot of great feedback. A lot of questions coming in. Dedicating every week just your questions. Yeah. Really diving into the nitty gritty of relationships in life and dating. So complicated.

I really appreciate you guys listening, tuning in. And you know it's really helpful. People have been doing this a lot. And for those of you listening, tuning in, you know it's really helpful. People have been doing this a lot. And for those of you listening, if you appreciate this show and you want to see it grow, will you guys screenshot the little like the Vile Files

thing and then you put in your Instagram story and tag us? We love that. But it gets people listening. It spreads the word. And maybe we'll share it on our stories yeah um just saying you guys have been really great doing that um it's it really means a lot when you guys do that so thank you also like i gotta say um you know people stop me on the street from time to time from bachelor nation um more and more since the show has come out it's's, you know, oh, I really love your podcast.

Really? And before it was always like I loved you on the show or whatever or hated you. I don't know. It means a lot. So thanks for the people who have stopped me and said hi and complimented us on our show. Thank you so much. Yeah. I have got to say I am disappointed in Bachelor Nation a little bit before I get

into that though. Rochelle, Bachelor Nation. I know we talked about this a little bit last week and I know, uh, I, I honestly just don't get this whole, like why people are spending so much time on this whole Demi and Christian thing and why they're like spending any energy other than saying what a great thing this is well you're having Tanner I am having Tanner is going to be our wonderful guest on Monday he has been out on Wednesday thank you he has been outspoken about uh he doesn't like what seems to be the inauthenticity uh what else some people are calling a staged

relationship uh you know tanner and i are going to talk about a lot of things most importantly fatherhood and how we met it's going to be an absolutely awesome episode so tune in but we will talk a little bit about this topic yeah can i speak on behalf of bachelor nation wow that was a really uh annoying statement yeah by all means i know what i'm just saying i think people are upset like because we as viewers do invest a lot of time and energy in watching and we get you know attached to these characters and then i think we're more people are more mad at the producers for bringing in someone you're mad at the not mad but mad, but we just like, there's a person who's not a part of Bachelor Nation

who's brought on. There's obviously a story that was pre-planned before and they're gonna pretend to us like, oh, this is just happening in the moment. Like, we're not dumb. So your frustration is assuming that this is pre-planned that the producers think you're dumb? That, yeah, and that they're

pretending that it's not printing it to be something that's not i i truly don't understand why why people can't focus on the bigger picture and what's more important and why they have to be so righteous about a TV show. I don't understand that. And what's interesting is because I certainly know that you are a progressive person and open-minded. I know Tanner to be one of the most open-minded and accepting people I've ever met. So this is not about like either of you,

the people who have expressed this kind of counterpoint to be like, say, bigots or like, if you the people who have you know expressed this kind of counterpoint to be like say bigots or like you know if you're listen if you're wow no i'm just saying like some people are just maybe maybe big it's a strong word but if like whether it's you are still kind of you're not supporting gay relationships because you think your religion tells you one thing i mean i'm not getting into any of that but like if for those people who are just anti-gay relationships whatever i can't and there's there's the obvious like thought of like well maybe people deep down they just don't really want to support it so that's why the complaint because i know that's not you and i know that's not tan right so i am surprised that people can't just see the bigger picture and we're wasting

any energy on this argument of authenticity here's where i think it's still totally authentic mine is like first of all from my experience of reality tv of which i have some and i have like i've been on the bachelor a few times i was on dancing with the stars i know other people on other reality tv shows. I say this with total sincerity. From my understanding, the Bachelor franchise and the shows that they have is easily the most non-scripted reality TV show out there. That's why it's so successful. Yes. You are always seeing real conversations in real moments.

They're not scripted. They're not told what to say. So when it comes to Demian Christian, you continue to see real conversations in real moments. The show has always been and will always continue to be, to a certain degree, staged. It's staged in the sense that they cast certain people people to come on that's an element of its stage it's not a free-for-all where they just like have people line up and show up to the show right the dates they're traveling around the world to all these locations they get set up certain dates happen those are all staged it's a tv show without it being staged we wouldn't watch a show either it's also successful because the producers are really good at creating situations that can create a level of interest for the people watching it and then let the offense

authenticity play out by the real non-scripted conversations so here you have a situation where once again after her season demi like everyone else went on and started living her life and then she started hanging out with and dating, not in a relationship, but dating a woman. And when they asked her to go on the show, and again, I don't know this to be the exact conversation. I'm making it up and I'm assuming it went something like this. And they're like, hey, Demi, we want you on Paradise.

And she's like, well, I'm super into it. But just so you know, I've been kind of hanging out with this person who happens to be a woman. So here is I'm assuming, and I'm again, don't know this to be the case, but I'm saying, yes, the producers are like, here we have, again, a hit show on a network television show who constantly in their own right get criticized for not being progressive enough to not changing with the times. And because of the structure of the show, it would be very hard to have a gay lead just because you have a bunch of people living in the house. They would just start dating each other because the show only works because you can't see the lead. And so you're not attracted to them. Paradise is very different. So they maybe take up an opportunity to introduce its first gay relationship. Sure, would it have been ideal if two people cast in the show happened to also be like fluid or bisexual?

So they started dating people. What is the difference between Christian Demi's girlfriend and the Christian Hispanic man who no one remembered from whatever season he was on, but because he showed up night one and done some shit on the tell-all, that makes him more of Bachelor Nation than dating Demi? Like, who cares? The big picture is we get to see an openly gay relationship and we get to see the authenticity of a conversation.

And for all the, my sister, oh, I don't know if she watches bachelor in paradise but like you get to see a gay relationship being portrayed in a very positive light on a network television show how is that not a good thing and why can't people just focus on that and not focus on she she didn't kick christian didn't kicked it didn't get kicked off night one five seasons ago because that would have made it okay i i just like sometimes we have to get change to happen and you you you were gonna say something oh yeah i was gonna say well why didn't they like they could have had her come on be a bartender with wells and like bring her girlfriend on that way instead of pretending

that she was well i mean i don't understand again yes they could have done that i guess sure but that's also like they at that point you're arguing about how the producers should have done their job i'm arguing that they lied to us by pretending that she's going to come on and be single and they already planned for her to come and then chris harrison to sit down with her and be like listen i'm going to figure out a way to help you it's like no you already knew what okay we don't know that for sure everyone's assuming that again we don't know and i that and i wouldn't doubt it for a second if demi said to the producers i've been hanging out with this girl and they probably started asking her questions. Well, what do you mean? But what's the context of this relationship? Well, we're not like together,

but like we've been hanging out and I like her, you know, no, no different than if Demi was doing this with some guy, but it's not, it is different because it is a woman. And then they realize that Demi is bisexual and that is different than they've ever had. They've ever had before. So again, they could have easily said, well, why don't you, like, if you're not in an inclusive relationship, why don't you go to Paradise? And we will see how things go. In the meantime, maybe we'll talk to this Christian person, and we'll see if she would be open to it if you don't meet anyone down there.

The show is staged in the sense, what is the difference between that? And do people really think that it's a coincidence that certain people are there for the first episode and other people walk down the stairs at certain times do you think it's a coin flip do you think we're just all this producers just flipping coins to say like they're free for they're creating a situation like you said earlier they're creating a situation that is right for drama but they're not lying to us what are you lying to us it is a stage tv show when you lie like i i just uh for all the the crap that happened i totally i'm on board with tanner about like the blake and hannah stuff and like people pretending to not have ever met yeah

you know that's not okay right again like you are like this makes it more interesting all right i'm sorry what even if it was slightly staged and i don't know it to be true it makes it more interesting to see demi come down and date a guy like derrick who she's into guys and struggle with this back and forth to tell that story they are storytellers this back and forth to tell that story. They are storytellers. So that is a good thing to just watch this unfold and watch a young woman struggle with this. It's a very relatable, real life experience that people who are bisexual can relate to. That is a positive thing. Why do we have to like get into the weeds of the producers, quote unquote, that are not lying to us. You're assuming maybe they are because they happened the day before. And for other people are like,

hey, I'm happy for Demi, but like, why are they staying on the show? They're staying in the show so we can watch this relationship unfold. So we can see it on the shows. And because this whole idea that Christian wasn't a part of Bachelor Nation, like who, how many people in Paradise are on the show for two seconds you don't remember? Joe, Grocery Store Joe. I mean, yeah, he became an instant Twitter sensation after night one, but he was on the show for 30 seconds night one. And look at what he did.

I mean, I just don't get what the difference is. I just don't get why people spend so much energy on something that doesn't really matter because of trying to maintain the sanctity of the bachelor when we have finally progress and a show trying to make progress happen and like again it makes it way more i'm sorry if if they would have just casted christian uh the first it everyone would have been kind of confused who is this person why is she here how do you tell that story well that would have been more confusing well i mean i've been dating this person so and i just brought my girlfriend with me that more no one would have been happy with that either if people say they

want that they would have been just as frustrated and just as confused so what the producers probably did is had had demi go down give those relationships a shot and be saying almost kind of have christian on standby saying like listen and again i've always said producers are really good at adapting very quickly just like again i didn't end up on caitlin season because i was always i was that's a thing for all the people who thought I was going to like, I was, you know, they had me set up, lined up, ready to go. And the season was going to play out and I was going to show up week four. That is not the case. I was at work two weeks into the season. I was watching Jared going on the group date and winning a boxing match at work in my office, watching reality Reality Steve post spoilers with no plans of coming on. And then I got a call and then I quickly got, did all the testing. And in 48 hours,

I was in New York on the show. So that is 100% true. Well, I don't know the details of Demi and how Christian showed up. It's totally believable that they totally knew that she had hung out with a woman. They were open to the possibility of maybe bringing her on, but told Demi to go down and give these relationships a shot, and then realized she's talking to the producers, if she's willing to come, I'd love her to come, and then they made it happen in a matter of 48 hours.

That is totally and absolutely believable. I don't know the real story. I also don't care. What I do care is that this is a great thing. And we get to see a beautiful relationship unfold that can be a great inspiration for young people who are fluid or bisexual or gay, and they get to see it promoted and shown in a very positive light. And I don't know why people can't just get on board with that. Right? I don't know. We'll talk about it more with Tanner a little bit, but also talk a lot about how Tanner and I met and fatherhood.

He's a father of two now. I want to be a father. I want to hear some of these stories. What's dating from a man's point of view? And when I'm dating, and they can still date when you're married. You're dating, it's dating his wife. What is that like? How's the sex, man? You know know so we'll have a lot of those conversations

it's going to be great i hope you tune in on wednesday with me and tanner also just get on board and support this really great thing people uh unless you can't get on board with gay relationships that's something you guys have to figure out for yourself but for the ones who are supportive of that in general and like the Bachelor, just be happy for Demi and Christian. Derek's going to be fine. All right. What is your name, buddy? My name.

Yeah. My name is Andrew. What's up, Andrew? How are you doing? Doing all right. How can we help you, buddy? How can we help you, buddy? So last week, I think it was, I went on a date with a girl.

We matched on Hinge. So I got into the app dating game. And she messaged me first. We really hit it off. She gave me her Snapchat. And we ended up setting up a date. We got some drinks. And we really hit it off. We had super good conversation.

We hit it off physically, and we both share faith. It's super important to both of us. I work part-time with different ministries for local youth to support students that are in need. And that's a big passion of mine. And so that was really attractive to her. And I started to notice like all throughout the night, so she's, I guess, more of a party girl, I would say. Okay.

She kept saying things like, oh my gosh, you're so perfect. You're so great. I'm going to ruin you. And things like that. Yeah, the whole night. And I'm just like, I'm not that great. I'm just a normal guy. But we're really hitting it off.

And then things started heating up. And she invited me back to her place and she asked me out sex and i didn't want to go that far on a first date i guess um so i went to meet a little bit more so i just really made it all about her uh we didn't escalate that far and the whole time I was just making it all about her when you say you made it all about her

can you be more specific are you talking about sexually like you were a giver yes yes the Christian spirit I feel like Andrew's calling he's saying all the right

things man yeah you're really killing it but go ahead all right i like to think of these girls all the women listening right now all right go ahead keep going he also has a dimple in his ladies but yeah i just i didn't want to go that far like right off the bat on the first date so um but i really wanted to satisfy her and so i guess if you want to talk bass we went to second base great and uh at the end of the night she was like hey like promise you know we meet up again i was like pinky square we pinky swore so you knew it was real and uh she texted And she said, text me when you get home. So I went home, texted her. And then I was texting her, I think, like the next day. And she just started, you know, responding less and less.

And she said she was interested in meeting up, but never really responded to, like, making plans. So I just kind of got the vibe she wasn't interested and so it's just confusing i guess for me um when you hit it off really well like physically and but also like in conversation and we also matched up on the important things and like values and faith was a big thing for both of us and she's was like, I'm looking, you know, for a good guy, a guy with faith and, but like also got to have fun with. And so I was just wondering,

it was kind of weird that the whole night she was like, you're so great. You're so awesome. You're so sexy. I'm going to ruin you. And then doesn't show interest afterwards. Well, I feel like the most important thing she said at the end was, I'm going to ruin you. And she did. Yeah. And so where are you?

Like, you haven't really heard from her. Are there still communication going on? But, like, you feel like it's really phased out? Or you're not talking anymore? Yeah, it was phasing out so i just decided to not really bother texting much more so i just said hey uh kind of getting the vibe you're not interested if you are you know where i'm at so i mean listen buddy i think you, as far as what you could or could have done differently, I think you batted a thousand here. And I think it sounds like you said and did everything right in terms of, I mean, you know, good for you wrong if you did, but you wanted to wait. You liked her. So you wanted to see if maybe it was worth something more. And I think this is a great example of, I mean, for someone who, you know, it sounds like you're open to having sex. Maybe

you're not necessarily, you don't need to wait to get married and you're still a religious guy and you can be both, but at the same time, you want to have some value to it. So you're not necessarily trying to rush into it right away with everyone. I think that's great. Right. And so here's a young woman who seemingly you thought she was into you and then turns out it's phased away, but you've really done and said everything right. I mean, in terms of trying to understand what happened, I mean, how old are you? How old is she? You're in college. I'm getting the impression.

Yeah, so I'm 22. She's 23, so recent graduate. Yeah, I mean, my guess is, without knowing too much, is that she is not really looking for a guy. Even if she says she's looking for a guy, I think right now she's just having fun, and that's fine too. The thing about connecting spiritually is kind of a tricky thing, I think, sometimes because I think when you grow up, you know, you have this faith that you have. I think when you're young, you kind of worry about, will I be able to find someone who has those mutual interests? Because especially nowadays, there's so many different belief systems out there that, you know, people are talking about people who are um you know maybe talking about religion a little bit less in the dating life and so when you meet it it's really exciting but i think sometimes

in dating it can kind of uh draw people together or make you feel like you're closer than you really are i mean for example uh i after i got a very serious relationship my next girlfriend we met um and a big draw to her, I mean, there are a lot of reasons I was drawn to her, but a big draw for me was my other serious girlfriend, she wasn't very religious. And at the time, I was pretty religious. And we would fight a lot about, she just wasn't comfortable with it, and I just really wanted someone to like want to go to church with me, et cetera, et cetera.

And then we broke up, and then all of a sudden, my new girlfriend liked that we went to church with me, et cetera, et cetera. And then I, we broke up and then all of a sudden my new girlfriend liked that we went to church. And not that that was a bad thing, but I was so like excited about that, um, that it kind of masks some other things and it kind of inflated, um, my interest in her, um, which, and again, religion can bring people together, but sometimes you're, uh, you're so excited about that because people want that so much that it kind of masks the other things in the relationship in terms of connections and things like that. So not to take anything away from the fact that you had a mutual faith background, but that doesn't necessarily mean that two people are compatible in any other aspect in terms of chemistry. And

I'm not, it sounds like you had that. I think the important thing with this particular young woman is that I don't, I don't think she really is into having a relationship with a guy, all that serious. I mean, my guess is if she starts dating a guy uh anytime soon it will probably be with some guy that and it's just going to frustrate you that the average person would consider to be a fuck boy he will be the guy that you will be like really she's dating him really like that asshole that freaking that piece of shit like it'll be the guy that everyone in you won't know him because I think, you know, again, I'm making a lot of assumptions here, is that she's having fun and like people, we all chase the wrong people all the time. Look at the season of Bachelor in Paradise.

We were talking about it last week where it's just like, why is Hannah like overlooking Dylan, right? And then she's going after the Blakes of the world or why was, what's her name, overlooking Clay and going after the Christianakes of the world or why was uh why was uh what's her name overlooking clay and going after the christian guy um yeah i just think sometimes especially when you're younger we want what we can't have more than and i think sometimes it takes maturity to realize uh what's interesting about your situation andrew is that like other than um you know telling you that telling her that you uh were into her the you. The fact that you didn't sleep with her right away, you would think that maybe she would be almost surprised

in terms of, I don't think that happens to a lot of young women who are pretty, who go on dates with guys and want to have sex. She was surprised, you said. Yeah, so that kind of surprised me that if nothing else, that wouldn't want to make her chase you a little bit more. But it wouldn't surprise me.

I just don't think she really wants a boyfriend. What I'm saying is I think that's, I'm certain about that. I'm saying if you found out that she started like hanging out with a guy exclusively on a regular basis, it would be some guy who just was able to have the upper hand on her. Well, I found it interesting when Andrew's email, he said the word nice guy, and then that she's a partier, and they're both Christians. Like, there is an epidemic of guys being like, oh, girls don't ever go for the nice guys,

and that's kind of annoying, I guess. I think sometimes for people, not men and women, you seem pretty confident in yourself and you know what you want. And I'm not saying that's intimidating for people, but she might not be looking for that much stability right now, almost. In a sense that it's probably intimidating for a young man like yourself to be like, you know, I'm not ready to have sex. And you seem like you have all these things that you know what you want i think some that sometimes that can be intimidating for people in an early age when they see someone so um you know steadfast in terms of what they want you kind of have a plan did you guys talk about future things at all when you were talking and

um i mean not much because it was the first date at one point she said jokingly uh why don't you just marry me i mean i think i will say on first dates man like uh i'm first and like second dates i say this almost facetiously i can't say oh no that's a hard word uh pretty much anyone anything anyone says take it as a grain of salt especially when they start like complimenting you yeah um and you know especially if the compliments are anything more than you seem like a nice person i want to hang out when they start like uh really kind of like and it's fun to hear you want oh she said she liked me or she said she did this it's like she doesn't really know you right so like

people sometimes say things and it's it's okay you'll compliment but just know that she doesn't really know you so like you know people want to people will hold people for accountable for sometimes the things they say to them it's like well she said this or he said that or they did this oh yeah and it's kind of like not you know it's kind of like yeah so what but what what did what did they do what did they do you know yeah what she did was had a fun night with you wanted to get laid you didn't want to you helped her out you know in the other department and you know maybe she met another guy on hinge right maybe she's meeting three or four guys and some other guy she found maybe to be probably and don't this is not an inflection on you in any way

a little bit more exciting for her um yeah i wouldn't uh have that change anything you're doing i think the emphasis you're doing everything right you know know? So you just have to have the conviction of, this is what I want. And again, I don't know what you guys, all the things you talked about, and I'm not saying you did this, but on first dates for someone who is seemingly so kind of knows what they want and what they don't want that can be intimidating but so try not to empty that on them so early in a dating process if that makes sense you know play it cool if you have a lot of like don't don't feel like you need to talk about uh the charities and the things that you're doing in the first date let that be something like someone's privy to in a third or fourth date and kind of throw it out nonchalantly like i think you know you're probably proud of that you're doing

it and you should be and i think it's a great thing but you don't have to lead with it right um i guess there's something that bothers not bothers me about the nice guy thing is sometimes guys are super nice to girls and then if they expect something in return like well i did this and this and this for her and then she didn't't, like, no one really owes each other. But you think that's what that is? The nice guy thing? Do you think? Like, oh, I went down on her, and then she never messaged me.

I'm not getting that sense from Andrew. I'm just saying to avoid that. Yeah, I don't know. Well, I don't think those are nice guys. Yeah, ultimately, they're not nice guys. I think they think they're nice guys. Yeah. Ultimately, they're not nice guys. I think they think they're nice guys. Right. That doesn't make them nice guys.

Right. Andrew seemed like a nice guy. Like, hey, listen, she want to have some sex. I want to have some sex. I figured I'd help her out. I was fine with it. And I'm just surprised she doesn't want to keep hanging out. Right.

And it wasn't like. Totally. You're right. Like, if you do something nice for someone, like they don't owe you. And that doesn't mean, I don't mean sexual favors, anything. Anything. Especially early on. Like you guys are just getting to know each other.

So, you know, I don't have all the answers for you what happened. But like the problem again with, you know, younger people and dating apps and just dating apps in general is it's paralysis of choice. She has an abundance of options. She is a, she wants to have a good time right now and that's fine. Right. But she just also, you have to realize that maybe you also don't really know her. Right. So don't get too bummed that she didn't respond to you. It doesn't want to hang out as much. It's not a reflection of you. respond to you doesn't want to hang out as much it's not a reflection of you i thought your message to her uh was awesome hey you put yourself out there you know how i feel about there about you if you want to reach out let me know definitely don't reach out to her don't check in in a week

you know yeah okay you she knows that you want to hang out, right? Disappear. Go move on. If you do hear from her in like three weeks, I mean, and she responds, like don't be so quick to get back to her. Also like, and I would take it slow because if she waits more than a week to get back to you and you hear from her in three weeks, she got back to you because she's bored.

That is good. That doesn't mean that she doesn't like you. And again, the truth is she doesn't really know you, right? And there's nothing wrong with someone, a 23-year-old woman who wants to live her life and have some fun and she doesn't want to be in a relationship. What she might be guilty of with you

is maybe she's talked about wanting a relationship and she really doesn't. But everyone, most, a lot of people don't feel comfortable. And I think maybe women, you know, maybe because of society, how they judge women, like, I don't think we're still at a point where women are feel comfortable and correct me if I'm wrong, Rochelle, to just openly say, listen, I don't want a boyfriend. I want a date. And occasionally I want a little bit of sex without people labeling them as promiscuous or slutty or whatever. So maybe there's a little bit of that.

And maybe I'm just getting the impression that's what she wants to do. And she should just be upfront about that. But you guys only went on one date. You had some fun. Yeah, don't take it personally. You sound amazing. You did everything right. You're an amazing guy.

I wouldn't worry about the nice guy thing. Yeah. You know, have some fun yourself. And I feel like you are, probably. You know, you're going out. You're doing things. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, this guy's got Your buddy. Yeah. Yeah.

He's got some charm. He's fine. Sometimes people like get rejected and you don't know why. Early on in the dating process, the things people say to each other, it's all kind of bullshit in a sense, especially the first couple of dates. It's not until later on. But I would, if I were you, if I would, all the good deeds you're doing,

don't talk about it for our first couple dates. You know? Right. Don't seem like you're the, don't come across as Captain America. Let them find out you're Captain America. Oh my God, you are Captain America. You know what I'm saying?

Like, because sometimes it can kind of almost, it can kind of backfire sometimes. It can either come across as cocky or can come across as intimidating. You're doing it and you're doing it for yourself. Let them find out. And it's probably way more attractive for women to like, all of a sudden you're on your fourth date and you're like, wait,

you do what? I didn't know. Really? You, wow. That's even great. I just thought you're some boy at a party. Like, I think that's way more attractive than you talking about it on the first date. You know, don't be super cryptic. If they're, if they ask you a direct question, be like,

do you do any charity work? Don't lie to them. But like, usually that question doesn't come up on our first date. Don't offer that information. Let them find out. Maybe you hung out a couple times and then all of a sudden some girl texts you. What are you doing? Oh, I have to do this thing. I'm volunteering at a thing. Hey, do you want to come? You could do that.

Surprise a girl when you're dating them and invite them along to participate in whatever it is you're doing is a better way of introducing some of the great things you're doing. Okay. If that makes sense. All right. I would definitely do that. Because otherwise, especially on a first date, it just sounds like you're bragging. Yeah. I often, I don't know.

come off as like um i don't know this like great guy in uh theory if that makes sense sure and um because i like i don't know like my faith's really important and i do ministry work and i feel like a lot of times um i guess i don't know girls are maybe like intimidated by that or they're like well i'm not that great of a person so yeah i don't want to date you are they like almost like project like that i a don't have any fun or you know no i get that but i my guess is you might be talking about it more than you realize. So just, just lead by example and not with your words in that department. Right. So have, again, have that be something they find out about you later on in the dating process, not something you, you lead with, you know, you don't have to talk about it. You don't have to like, let people know just so you know, I mean, again, I, and listen, Andrew, if you have to like let people know just so you know i mean again i and listen andrew if you have to date

someone who is just as like faith-driven as you are then i guess it needs to come up earlier in the dating process but like i i think you're young enough to like you can have three or four dates i mean three or four dates isn't that much an investment of your time to really figure out what this person's into. You don't have to like qualify your future wife on the first date. You know what I'm saying? You can, I think people like people do that sometimes as you're trying to figure out, well, I don't want to waste my time. So I need to figure out this person's legit. And on the first date or first, second date, you're asking them a bunch of basically interview questions. first date or first, second date, you're asking them a bunch of basically interview questions. You, you, you know, you can go out, you can date someone for three or four weeks, um, to really figure out whether they're worth your time or not. You know, what's the difference? It's just a month, man. You know, like in the meantime, you're not whoring around and, and, and going to all these parties. So like, just be upfront, uh, don't lead people on and just, you can hang out with someone for a month and keep it casual and get to know them.

And in that month of dating someone for the first time, let them slowly find out about the things that you're doing in your life. You don't have to, you know. And again, if they ask, be upfront. But don't talk about it as much. And I think that nice guy fear will will go away be mysterious yeah you know yeah and maybe you should go on the back i'm just saying you look like you could be on the bachelor he certainly has a playbook he's too young you give it a couple years there you go i could i

could uh pull the ben higgins oh i love ben but like again just, just like, uh, lead, uh, talk about, uh, my, my biggest takeaway is talk about that stuff less, especially early on. Let them find out. They will, if anyone worth your time is going to find out, find this out about you because it is such a big part of your life. You don't need to talk about it early on. Yeah. Thank you, Andrew. And my other big fear is with my faith being so important, I don't ever want anyone to assume I'm a Luke P type. Well, that's entirely up to you, right? Like, again, Luke P, you know, religion can be a sticky thing. And that was kind of my point earlier is that religion is great faith is great sometimes

people uh lead with it too much and they have it warped it becomes an excuse for everything they they're doing there's a lot of righteous people out there who use religion as a weapon um but there's a lot of people who don't right and so um it's not an excuse for everything you're doing so if you're not that type of guy no one will think you're that type of guy but again i think and just reiterate a point it just comes down to uh lead with your actions not your words uh luke is someone who led a lot with his words and not on his actions and his actions said one thing his words said another so just don't do that and you're going to be fine yeah all right all right awesome have some fun keep on keep on shooting shooter you're gonna be fine all right all right buddy you guys thanks

for your call hope you have a great day you too bud i think the biggest mistake people make on first dates is uh talking too much about themselves oh yeah but that's the balance though because if everyone goes in on a first date saying well i'm gonna ask them a bunch of questions and then it's just like a standoff it's like what chris is saying chris harrison and lauren zima their first date yeah we're just interviewing each other but that's kind of a good thing um but usually it's the person who has the upper hand and a first date is the person asking the question and answering them. I've been on both sides, you know, it just depends if there's like an, you know, but also that you can, it can be, even if you are asking a lot of questions, you don't want

to make it sound like you're interviewing them either. Right. That other person can be intimidated, which can like be advantageous for you but not necessarily you're not merely building a connection right yeah um but i liked what you said about taking everything they say worth a grain of salt because i'm so guilty of that remembering everything they've ever said and it's like well listen i have done that too i mean especially in breakups even even if you've dated someone for like a year and you're like they did this or this it's like people say shit right and again going back to uh you know previous episodes we have is

i really want to get away from people the excuse of well i didn't want to be mean so i said x y or z yes yeah and that is a challenge for us to uh if you you got to be honest in the moment yeah and to give the other person opportunity to hate you or move on or whatever is not an excuse to not be direct um as a way to because the truth is you're not trying to not be mean you're just trying to avoid conflict feeling bad and feeling bad i really loved uh uh andrew's like his his was basically last ditch and with this girl which is i like you let me know if you uh i think that's i think that's for a young man i thought i thought that was a a great thing because he admitted to her, he showed vulnerability. Yeah. Right. Knowing that he, he probably wasn't into him.

Right. You know, and I think a lot of guys that young were like, well, I don't, I don't, I don't really like her anyway. You suck or whatever. Yeah.

I think his, everything he did was perfect. Yeah. And it's like, he's, we all want answers of why didn't someone do this? Why you're not going to like, yeah. Oh, okay. Well, and more, more case, And it's like, we all want answers of why didn't someone do this? They just don't like you.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, in more case, my guess is, without knowing, is like she just met, there's, she met some. You don't need an answer. They're just sitting on dating apps. She went on three dates that week, let's assume, you know? And that's fine. Good for her.

You know? Yeah. The dating app world is a is fine it is a struggle because everyone our egos assume that when they go on a date we're the only one they're going on a date with that week or whatever i know but even even the people who also have two other dates lined up assume that the other person's only going out with them we're all just hypocrites in that space and it's fine that we're doing that, but it's kind of like, you know, out of mind, out of sight.

We don't talk about it, so we think it's not going on. And the reality is, is we are hanging out with other people. All right, let's get to our next caller. What is your name, young lady? Hi, I'm Morgan. Hi, Morgan, how are you?

I'm Nick, this is Rochelle. Hi. How can... Nice to meet you guys what's going on how can we help so um i'll give you a quick little backstory on my question um i have been friends with this guy for a really long time from college and we've always kind of had a thing for each other and for the past like three years back and forth he's like me i like him but i've been seeing someone. He's been seeing someone. And so about a month ago, we reconnected, just started hanging out as friends.

And then it started leaning into something more romantic and a little bit more serious. And so I would say, like, two or three weeks ago, he came out to visit me because he lived, like, five hours away. And he stayed the weekend with me, went really well, super awesome. And then the next week after he went back, he surprised me with his concert ticket, told me to come out and stay out with him, meet his family, everything like that. It was his mom's birthday that weekend. And so the day before I was supposed to leave, that morning I get a call from him and his ex-girlfriend that he had been

seeing right before we reconnected told him that she was eight weeks pregnant. And so, yeah, she's like, and she's not a good gal, like really controlling, kind of took a toll on him emotionally. That's why he got out of the relationship.

Have you ever met her? I'm sorry, what? Have you ever met her? No, I've never met her. Okay. All right. So this is all from what he's telling me. So who knows? That's kind of my point.

And so he told me, so I was like, okay, that's kind of a sketchy situation. I don't think I want to be a part of Baby Mama Dama. So I kind of backed, I was like, okay, I'm'm gonna back off like I'll be here for you as a friend but I just don't think it's best if I come out there um and he was like yeah I agree and then he was still trying to keep me like hanging on I would try to kind of back off and then he would still tell me that like she was controlling him and hurting his feelings like while he's going to

doctor's appointments with her still being there with her like told her she told him he couldn't talk to me made him made him block my number block you on social media everything and so every time he's with her i was blocked so when he wasn't with her he would unblock oh man uh yeah wow and what's what's your question i guess what are you trying to figure out so a few days ago he told me that he completely like let her go told her he would be a co-parent with her but wasn't going to be with her throughout the pregnancy and said he wanted to pursue things with me okay um i really like this guy but i'm also kind of a little sketched so i guess my question is do you think i should pursue it or just completely let go?

Just not be involved? It's a tough one. Normally I would completely let go, but I've known him for so long and we are such good friends that I feel a little guilty. So you've known him for how long again? I've known him how long? Yeah. I've known him for how long again? I've known him how long?

Yeah. I've known him for probably four or five years. And like really well. Like you know he's a good guy? Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm a huge believer that people show who they really are in times of crisis. show who they really are in times of crisis.

It's really easy to be great and wonderful when everything's fine. You know, we all have our moments. Knowing is perfect. But like how people really handle crisis really shows who they are, especially who they can be in a relationship. Right. You know, like one of my ex-girlfriends, once we broke up, and it was kind of a mutual ending, but, like, we were just fighting. And I remember we had mutual friends, and we would get back together.

We'd hang out a lot. And we always had – I mean, her always had fun, always. Like we just – we had crazy chemistry. And then she was just like, why can't we just be together we have so much fun together and i said it's not because of how much fun we have when it's good it's because how bad it is when it's bad and like how she would fight and you know and my point is so this is an opportunity i guess in a way to see how he handles this situation so far it doesn't sound like he's handled the situation as it relates to you and him.

Great, right? So I think in these situations, also it's important to trust your gut. What does your gut tell you in terms of him as a partner to you in a romantic relationship, not as a friend? Because he can be a good like, he can be a good friend and he could be a pretty good guy, but does that make him a great boyfriend? I'm

not saying it is yes or no. But I would, I would cut at this point, if you want to pursue a relationship with him, I would have him on a very short leash, so to speak, in the sense that you've kind of had a long leash and it's kind of like, all right, buddy. All right. I'm I like you. I'm gonna put myself out there. This, you know, you have a baby mama and like not ideal either. But again, I still like you. So I'm still open to it. But like it kind of like my my leash is there is no length to my leash. You know what I'm saying? So you need to be straightforward with him. And then you need, you know, so if you want to pursue it,

and I'm not telling you no. So like if you want to pursue it, I would take it slowly on your end. And I would be like, listen, let's talk. I'm open to having a romantic relationship with you, but I need to take that part slow. I think if you want to pursue something romantically with him i think you need to in a way i said if you want to produce if you want to pursue something romantically with him i think in a way you have to say goodbye to the previous relationship you had with him as a friend

in a sense that you really have to mentally go all in with this guy romantically, which puts the friendship at risk, right? Because in fairness to him, you can't confuse him with how you're going to be there for him. If you just, if you want to say no to the romantic relationship and just be his friend, then I think you need to draw that line very clearly now, right? So you can say, listen, I don't want, like, I don't want to be involved with this. It's just romantically, I want something a little cleaner and you have the right to say that, but I'm here as your friend if you want me. And then you have to be friends with him, right? So if you were to

say that, if you just want to be his friends, then he's going to try to do romantic gestures. You would want to shut that down. You would have to say, like, no, I want to be your friend. And if you're not okay with that, then maybe we can't be friends. So I think it's on you to paint a very clear line. So if you want a romantic relationship, I think you then should say goodbye to the previous friendship, expect romantic, you know, to pursue it romantically, but on your end, take it slow, right?

Take it slow in the sense that I'm not see how he handles uh being a co-parent and co-parenting starts now because she's pregnant right he's yeah if she's gonna have the baby uh he is a parent now even if the baby is not delivered in a sense so how he's there for her uh he needs to stop talking bad about his ex. Yeah. Especially, you know, especially in the sense that like she can be all these things, right? But, and he can vent his frustrations, but it shouldn't be something he's doing to convince you to stick around or to justify his actions. If she's a nightmare and you're in a romantic relationship with them, it would make sense to be like, oh, I can't. I mean, can I just vent a little bit about her name, whatever her name is?

Fine. Yeah. But she might be a nightmare and he has the right to say no to her, like not blocking you and unblocking you and those things. Yeah. So you really need to hold him accountable especially if you're in a romantic relationship to to be able to stand up to you um and he needs to be able to stand up for you he needs to be able to stand up

to her and i think it sounds like you don't really know um like what his intentions are in that space because if he's gonna sit there and block me when he's with her like what's he doing when he's not shady exactly like what's he telling her about me exactly and she's not going anywhere she's gonna stay not going no yeah but it sounds like your gut is and i think that's what i, trust your gut. I think it's very honest for you to say, you know what? I don't know if he's talking shit about me to her. You know? Exactly.

And if you were to find out that he was, his excuse would be like, well, I just said it to her because she's crazy and whatever. Doesn't make it okay? Because he could literally be the same thing to you. Does it make it okay? Because he could literally be the same thing to you. And he said that she told him to block me because he does talk so highly about me and she knows how he feels about me and everything. So what? Again, okay, but listen, I think it's fine if you want to throw that all under the bus,

so to speak, and start fresh now, like I said. Because maybe he's a little fucked up about like, oh, shit, I got of course he is of course right he's underwater right yeah yeah but he came to you and said you know what i let that go i was honest with her i'm going to be a co-parent and it's going to end there i want to be with you all right fine but he needs to really step up now yeah show that and i think that if and I would really pay attention to his actions and really trust your gut in this moment. If he is doing things that feel wrong, they're wrong, right?

If they feel wrong to you, trust your gut. Do not make excuses for him. Don't, and if you start in your head being like, well, I mean, I guess maybe he could, blah, blah, blah. No. Wow, that's good's like good he's wrong

right so have him on a very short lease take it very slow for you right go at a speed that you're comfortable with and and go at a speed that makes sure that he has to really show how it's what what he needs to show to you is how is he going to manage these two relationships because he has a relationship with her and that relationship is parenting. And you need to figure out how he's going to handle both these relationships. Because right now, even if she is a nightmare, if she's truly a nightmare, how is he going to handle this nightmare co-parent? Because that is going to affect your life. And is it really worth you getting in a relationship where you have to be involved with someone who is a nightmare co-parent? But he has a lot of control, right?

Yes. And he's kind of, he's a little like showing other red flags. And so he just gets a little jealous. Like I've gone on dates. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, I'm kind of removing myself from the situation. If I don't fast enough he's like hello what are you doing no no and i'm just like trust you i think i'm coming to terms that looks like i need to end it and just kind of lose the friendship but i think losing the friendship is kind of making me sad so i mean trust your gut

it sounds like maybe i think trust your gut um and maybe it sounds like maybe you feel like this isn't right for you and that's okay. Again, I'm willing, if you want to pursue a relationship, willing to understand that, again, this situation has been really hard for him. And so he's confused and not to justify that. But again, there's also a lot of confusion in his part. He's trying to handle this girl in this pregnancy. Meanwhile, you're kind of dating other people, so he's getting jealous. Fine. But again, it all comes down to communication. So if you two were to say, I'm going to give this a go, I'm not going to deal with other people, maybe he will be less confused.

So it all comes down with being on the same page, right? So that part where that, that part's on you. You need to figure out what you want, communicate that with him and then be very clear and then take your time to figure out whether he can follow through. But definitely trust your gut because it sounds like your gut's telling you maybe he's not the guy.

And if your gut's telling you, I don't want to deal with this bullshit. That is totally justifiable. Yes. You're a beautiful, that is totally justifiable. Yes. You're a beautiful, beautiful woman. You'll be fine. Yeah. Let him show you how he is going to handle this situation that he's got himself in. Exactly.

And he kind of just needs to do himself for a little bit. Yeah. I just don't think it's going to work out. I think you kind of helped me out there. I think I was just like waiting for it to hear what you said. And I did. So I've asked a few of my like really trustworthy friends and they've told me the same thing. And I'm like, okay, I'm not going to keep asking when I've gotten the answer that I know I probably need. Totally. I mean, okay, I'm not going to keep asking when I've gotten the answer that I know I probably need.

Totally. I mean, yeah. I feel like that was a win. Yeah, good. Great. But yeah, I think in anything, their actions are going to speak louder than the words, as always. And it's okay to be sad when

a relationship ends. It is sad. And you can still be as if you don't want to be romantically just be his friend then you know but don't be very clear about your friendship you know yeah don't let him do romantic gestures no blurred lines be very clear so that part is on you um and he'll have to accept that or not accept that. And if he can, great. But don't blur the lines. Blur the lines. Well, thank you so much. All right.

Thank you. Good luck. You're going to be great. Thank you so much. Have a good rest of your day. You too. I've never understood blocking. Oh, yeah.

That's rough. What I mean is I don't understand why men and women will get someone to block someone else. Get a friend to block? Like if you're the girl who's the Prego girl. Yeah. And according to him, she's like, she blocked me. Why would? Why?

Why? That's where I don't usually believe it because it really makes no sense. Unless they were dating. Unless he was. If we're dating, Rochelle, right? Yeah. And you had some other guy and I said, you need to block him.

Why? For what? If he's like hitting me up all the time and you want to make sure I don't dabble. Don't respond. Well, I need you to know. I need to know that you like, what you can't control yourself.

I can't control myself. That's already a red flag also why block him i want him to see yeah that's all kinds of messy it doesn't add up when when when someone says they made me block you that's what i said i said in my head i said this story is not adding up it doesn't add up what's the reason someone would make someone block someone else i want if i'm dating a girl and some guy there's some third party guy i don't have a problem with him seeing us oh you want him to see you i'm not saying i want to but what i don't like and if i'm so worried that she can't like reach out i think people use blocking as a way to like make someone disappear like if you block them, they no longer exist. I was dating a girl and she's like, oh, this guy.

And she blocked him because she wants. That's fine. Right. But I'm not making anyone. When someone accuses someone else for. Well, they made me block you. That's. Sounds like bullshit. I liked what you what you said though about like if it feels

wrong it is wrong and like we as women and everybody like so often try to excuse such so many things that feel terrible men and women do it but i think women are probably more guilty of it um but andrew kind of was you know again when you feel like you have less power when you're feeling rejected it's this it's this like battle between your ego and common sense and your ego is telling you like listen there's no way they don't like you you're the fucking man right and so every like every other obvious sign that's telling you they're just not that into you your ego's like no i'm the young ben higgins you're fucking awesome you're like i know and they said they liked my shirt so they must be in love with me i don't get it and i think we all do that right so like but there's something in your gut that

says they just don't you know like this is this feels wrong and so yeah if it's if it feels wrong it's most likely wrong yeah wow, wow, I love that. What is your name? Brenna. Brenna, how are you? I'm Nick, this is Rochelle. Hi. Good, hi.

How can we help you, Brenna? So my question is basically, I'm struggling with being more loyal to my fiance or like my best girlfriend. Oh, I'm curious as to why you have to choose so like for example um my best friend's getting married and for the like their parties so oh wait i'm in her wedding party and my fiance is in his wedding party. So we're really close friends. When you say his, you mean like your best friend's fiance? Yeah.

Of course he's in his own. Anyway, all right, go ahead. Yeah. So yeah, we're both in their wedding parties. And for their like stag or bachelor party, they had strippers, which they all agreed that they wouldn't tell their girlfriends or whatever it just keeps it easier oh and does it though he but my but my fiance and i have really good relationship we trust each other whatever so he told me because i like i don't care if they're strippers doesn't matter to me yeah Yeah, girl. But I think my friend would care, but she doesn't know.

And he's like, you can't tell her. Like, I don't want to get in trouble with the guys. Like, we all said we wouldn't say anything. So now I'm like, do I tell her? But I don't know. It's just a hard situation for me. Stripper gate. Wow.

What is your fiancee, other than you can't tell her uh what does your fiance have to say about the situation like where where is he helping you in this regard like he told you that they have strippers that's great that you have this relationship and first off i want to say i'm glad that you two have a relationship that seems to be open and not have jealousy and trust him to like yeah listen i don't i'm guessing he's the type of guy like i i've been to strip clubs i've been to bachelor parties where i had strippers i find the whole thing just to be repulsive and disgusting and i'm not trying to like flex my like i'm a great guy card i just don't really like it honestly it's more my ego in the sense of like i don't have to pay for this i find it gross anytime i've been to a strip club it's been a

combination of either like young stupid men at like you know whether it's a bachelor party or like creepy old guys there's no in between it's just like i personally hate them so like i think anyone i've ever dated i've never but weirdly enough I know there are guys out there that are super into like strip clubs yeah I don't get it I don't know and I'm guessing this group of guys is probably a mix I mean I'm assuming your your fiance doesn't give you the vibe that he really is into that whole thing he just kind of went along for the ride yeah 100% he's like I just did it like I didn't do anything but they were there everyone else paid for them we all chipped in like whatever yeah it's probably kind of not super attractive anyways and but my question is is what is he doing uh to help you with this little

um house of cards so to speak speak, in the friend space. Other than saying you can't tell. He doesn't really say much. He doesn't mean to put me in an uncomfortable position. He's like, I get why you'd want to say something, but he's like, I didn't want to. We live in a small town, so it's going to come out eventually. I feel like it's going to get brought up at some point. So he's like, I might as well just tell you. I don't want to hide things

from you. You're going to find out. But I don't want you to be the one to have to tell her, basically. Great. How old is this general group, give or take? I'm guessing you're all similar ages. Yeah, like

25. Okay, okay yeah is there a reason why why he just went along with the idea of not telling any of the women like did he think about maybe standing up and saying like what is well that i'm kind of somewhat there is okay it's not his problem to tell all the women his focus is on you in this relationship but he agreed to with our whole thing of we're not going to tell anyone well he told his fiance but at the night he said we're not going to tell anyone i mean correct me if i'm wrong it sounds like this group of guys collectively agreed to this he might not necessarily you know what i'm saying i'm picturing a situation where the guys were like and he was like yeah sure whatever okay by the way babe this happened yeah right okay i do think however um i think it's uh i think a conversation you need

to have with him and say listen i i don't you're putting me in a tough spot i know you don't mean to i do appreciate you telling me but at some point he's he's gotten like halfway of being awesome if he wanted to be totally awesome, what he could be is he'd go to his buddies and say, listen, guys, first of all, I don't hide anything from my fiance. And if you want to judge me for that, fine, but I don't. You can call me whatever you want, but I don't hide anything from my fiance. That being said, I have asked her not to tell anything to anyone, but i can't control that but my my biggest priority is my relationship with my fiance having said that you might want

to tell you want to you might want to tell your fiance your women because listen i you know what i'm saying like yeah if he has your back and he uh you know i don't think guys uh if he if he is really like steadfast about that his friends might like be mad at him but like he's gone halfway he needs to step up and and not be intimidated by his buddies um and he needs to just he's not saying you that you're gonna do anything he's just he needs to let, he's not saying that you're going to do anything. He needs to let them know that you know. Right. He shouldn't be ashamed of being honest with his fiance. He should be proud of that.

Like, he's done this before. Like, just little things like, oh, I heard this about your friend from another guy, but don't say anything. Yeah. I mean, again, it's great that he tells you everything but he shouldn't he is he's being dishonest to his friends and that's not okay he's being a little gossipy in that space he should go up to them and be like okay well i'm gonna tell her yeah right and you'd be like listen guys again i i love you guys but if you're up to some shit you don't want to tell your wives don don't include me. Yeah. Ooh, that's good. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, that's the right thing. I mean, he might have a different opinion. He might want to argue. But the truth is, I get from his point of view, he doesn't want to be left out of this group. He probably wants, he doesn't want to lose, you know, guy code. You know what I'm saying? But he's not living up to guy code.

You know what I'm saying? And that's fine. He's living up to fiance code. I don't want to, you know. But he's not living up to guy code. You know what I'm saying? And that's fine. He's living up to fiancé code. And that's better. Right? So he should not pretend to his buddies that he is living up to the guy code because he's not.

And eventually, to your point, he's going to get caught anyways. So he would be more of a man and a better friend to his guy friends if he were to step up and just say all right guys just you know i do not fucking lie to my fiancee so just know that uh i told her about the strippers because i don't lie to her and i don't know she hasn't told any of the girls yet but like i don't know how this shit doesn't eventually come out so you might want to like

just step up in the future don't include me in things you don't know how this shit doesn't eventually come out. So you might want to like just step up in the future. Don't include me in things you don't want my fiance to know because she knows everything about me. Yeah. Maybe they should stop doing shady shit. I mean, there's somewhere in the middle too, right? Because I'm not here to say whether strip clubs are like, yeah, that's the thing. Is it that bad to have strippers at a bachelor party?

Everyone's it's debatable. You know, we have the whole porn question. Is it that bad to have strippers at a bachelor party? It's debatable. We have the whole porn question. Is it cheating to watch porn? It just depends on the couple. If you communicate, you're open about it. We're not here to say one's right or one's wrong. But we always talk about communication and honesty. And he's being honest with you, but he's being dishonest to his friends.

Right. And he should just be honest with everyone. And if that means some of his buddies, you know, I don't think, I've never had a real friend stop hanging out with me because I was a great fiance or a great boyfriend

or a great partner. They'll get over it. Right. People just don't like being lied to at the end of the day so he should stop lying to his friends because he is lying to his friends should she tell her it's not my responsibility to tell my girlfriend well i think the important thing is what i'm getting at is i think you need to sit down with your fiance and talk about this thing he seems

to be doing is telling you the truth, which you really appreciate. And I would stress that you appreciate that, but he's going to get, you need to be a, be a friend to your fiance, right. And, and help him understand that, like, I don't want you to lose your friendships because you get caught in a lie eventually. And that is going to happen so i think you need to encourage him to just be up front and honest with his boys and let him know that they will respect him for just being steadfast and be like hey i don't lie to my fiance i don't lie to my girlfriend guys his friends will respect him for it and the ones who don't aren't worth being

friends um and then as far as you And then as far as this immediate situation, have that conversation with your fiance first because you are going to be stuck eventually in getting caught. Because the truth is if no one cheated and they just had some strippers, this is not the end of the world. Right.

And it's not worth anyone losing their shit over anything. Yeah. What's going to end up happening is the bigger problem is the lies. It's not the act itself. It's the coverup. And they're going to create a bigger situation of something that's really not that big of a deal. Assuming nothing actually happened other than they hired a couple like strippers no one really was attracted to. Oh.

So. Right. You got to have that conversation with your fiance. And I think you i'm always hurt as a woman when my girlfriends don't tell me something they know that totally makes me feel dumb or something i i get that but i'm trying to like look at the bigger picture here and the bigger picture is you need to like this this like you said this has happened before this is going to happen again so don't you need to get you need to help your fiance be also honest with his friends and honest with you at the same time.

He shouldn't have to make a choice. They should just know that he tells you everything and his friends should respect that. And, you know, his friends need to, and maybe help your friends in the future be like girls this is not a big deal you know and if you don't trust your guy not to fuck a stripper then you have bigger problems uh right you know and then i think you should emphasize to your uh fiance like i do feel really uncomfortable not knowing um and so like in sometimes there's situations i remember being in relationships where this this is like this is affected by you in a sense that he went to a a party where there's a stripper so he wants you to know because

technically that affects you there are other situations yeah and i've had groups like this like my my young groups in my hometown we all have boyfriend and girlfriends and there always is seems to be a lot of drama sometimes and sometimes my girlfriend at the time would come back and be like did you hear about x y and z right they just kind of download the drama and i would like and i would sometimes it would cause stress sometimes and i would say to her does this have anything to do with you and i because if not i don't want to hear it i don't want to because then you just get caught up in the drama that's not this situation because you're affected by the fact that he went to a party with a stripper and he wants you to know so like i think in these fan groups you just try to avoid the drama that you're

not a part of and if you are a part of his friends need to know that you're gonna know um otherwise again it's just gonna get real messy so yeah i didn't even think of that side of it like him telling his friends that i know he is yeah that's step one is he needs to be proud of the fact that he is honest with you. It's something he should be proud of. He should be an example to his friends. He shouldn't feel like he's the weak link by being the honest one. And you need to help him be proud of that. And then you should get him to man up to his friends. him to man up to his friends and then give you the, and then hopefully get his friends to just be honest with their spouses so that you don't have to tell them.

And hopefully. Yeah. Cause I don't want it to be brought up in her ass or something. And I'm like, oh yeah, I already knew about that. Yeah. It's going to create trauma. It's going to get messy. And I think you just need to encourage your fiance, that big picture and to say, this is going to find, this is going to come out and it's going to create trauma it's going to get messy and i think you just need to encourage your fiance that big picture and say this is gonna find this is gonna come out and it's gonna

get messy what happens when it comes out a week before the wedding and really it's nothing but what's gonna be the i can't get you lied to me and lies you know um but it all starts with you two and him being proud of the fact that he's honest with you not ashamed of it i'm not saying he's ashamed of it but he's hiding it from his friend yeah um and he yeah for sure so help him understand that in the in the big picture in the short term hopefully he can get it convince his friends to be honest um and if not you just got to be like well i don't know what what do you want what do you expect me to do well you know i always find it when i'm in a tough in a tough spot and someone's asking what would you do in this other if it was the other way around you know um if uh if uh if i say like if i were

cheating on you and your and your buddy matt knew what would you know kind of thing like always try to reverse the situation in a sense of like, you know, because when it's affecting them, people always sometimes have a different point of view of how they'd handle the situation. Yeah. Like put them in my shoes. Yeah. I really think your problems will be solved if you guys can get on the same page in terms of having his friends know how honest he is with you.

And that's a great thing. Not a bad thing. All right. Awesome. Hopefully that's a great thing, not a bad thing. All right. Awesome. Hopefully that helps. Yeah, that was helpful. All right. Well,

good luck. Let us know how it goes. I'm actually, I am curious if you, if you, if you follow through with this, what, what the results are.

Yeah, I'll keep you updated. Yeah. But make him feel like you were really grateful for his honesty and let him know how proud of you are product proud you are that he is that way you know he should be proud of that not ashamed yeah yeah i'm definitely like thankful that he tells me stuff but and he should like be a little bit unaware that i'm uncomfortable now yeah and he should be able to go bit unaware that i'm uncomfortable now yeah and he

should be able to go to his friends and be like you guys all like lie to your girlfriends like yeah don't stop yeah yeah exactly he should be able to say that and his friends if his friends are like oh you know like they're the they're the wrong ones and then he will figure out yeah and you know you guys are engaged engaged to be married so as soon as you get married you have families you guys will become your own family. And this friend group you have, I promise you, will dissipate. You're going to stay close to some of them. Some people will fade away.

You'll all keep in touch and you'll all send Christmas cards. But in five years, your lives are all going to be very different. That much I promise. Right. I'm not saying you won't be friends. I'm just saying this little tight group that everyone does everything with right now won't be the same in five years. You'll drift away.

Yeah. So like really know what you're prioritizing and remind him of that. It's like grown up gossip girl. All right. Have a great day. Thanks for calling on. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah for calling on. I really appreciate it. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. This happens, I think, often in like, well, it doesn't have to be a small town. When you're in your mid-20s and you're dating and you're all dating, you have a group of friends, right? It's like this post-high school kind of high school kind of thing. Yeah.

And it's kind of before everyone really settles down and maybe you're all engaged or maybe even some, one of those couples is married, but hasn't had kids yet. There's just kind of like this big group and it's always, it's very gossip girl. Yeah. There's always like friendship drama always.

Right. And yeah, I mean it, you just have to, I, i again that guy code stuff i've never really subscribed to it right um you know for all the shit i was like giving jed right and i know like some of his buddies from the season were like kind of chirping at me and all right comes down to like i know like dylan is a good friend with jet it sounds like and you know he was a little chirping at me because i was hard on his buddy you know what you know what a good friend

is his good friend is calling it your friend for doing shitty things a good friend isn't uh having their i love that you can have their back and still call them out oh that's what you need um you know yeah it really i remember uh when i was critical of jed on the podcast with rachel and ally is that um you know they asked him like how many of and that's how my name got brought up it's like have you any of your guys from the season gave you crap it's like oh they've been really supportive and i don't know if that's true because jed's proven to be a liar but if that is true i'm really disappointed these guys I mean like you shouldn't be proud of that and those guys shouldn't be proud of the fact that

no one said to you hey man like again like I want to hear your truth but like if you did that that's wrong yeah you know what I'm saying like yeah um yeah you can be a good friend guy or girl you can be a good friend to your friend by telling them to stop being shitty and you can hold your friends and kind of that's what good friends do too many times it's like well you know they're my friend so like you know i just have to miss went along with it yeah not being a friend yeah uh and you'll get yourself in trouble especially and it's always the lies the stripper thing whatever yeah if you're i guess listen if you're a couple who you've decided like strippers are the death of the relationship well then don't do it right yeah then don't do it if it's going to destroy her life to find out for the women out there hopefully in a relationship

that if a couple guys do some idiot you know go hire a stripper because I don't really get it, but I don't need one at my bachelor party, but it's not the end of the world. But it's the lies that get you. Oh, how's the car? It's falling down. Hannah and Jed are not together, not because he had a girlfriend, but because he lied.

Hmm, truth. All right, buddy, what is your name? My name is Jeremy. Jeremy, nice to meet you. This nick i have rachelle with me today hello how can we help you buddy um so uh so i emailed in about a week ago uh i'm in a bit of a predicament i guess you could say i i titled my email that i'm cursed how are you cursed it caught my attention first yeah so um yeah the subject was uh help i'm cursed forever uh basically i what i call super ghosted a girl back in five years ago back in college um and ever since then i've just had kind of bad luck with relationships okay and when i super ghosted give us a never heard that before quick quick but specific details on

what you mean by that um basically so i live in the seattle area and i originally from canada um and i moved back to canada uh didn't a girl. I planned it for about six months, and she found out about five days before, and after that, zero communication. And she reached out. You just kept ignoring her? Oh. That's hard.

It wasn't really, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks for being honest. Yeah. How long ago was this? That was about 2015, January. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks for being honest. Yeah. How long ago was this? That was about 2015, January. Okay.

And then since then you've met a few women and what's happening? Yeah, I've had a few relationships, one semi-long one, about almost two years and a couple short ones and just kind of always ended up me you know getting dumped and and just uh you know heartbreak what are some of the are they have they been consistent reasons of why they have ended the relationship uh varied i'd say the most recent one was uh she just didn't feel like she wanted to be in a relationship anymore. Okay. And that was not a super long one. It was only about six months.

But it felt good. Like it could have gone longer, obviously. And then a couple other times, I mean, I've been ghosted as well myself. I think a lot of people have uh nowadays it's kind of a norm unfortunately um but yeah things like that um how many of these women were like i think there's a difference between going on some dates and meeting a girl and having an hour workout and she ghosts you not that it's okay but how many of these like unlucky in love situations that you've had post uh super ghosting have been like relationships like the last one you dated for a while and she didn't want a relationship have there been more like that or

other the rest more like you've dated for a few times and then you just don't hear from someone um i'd say that yeah i'd say there'd be most of them are, you know, super short term, but like, you know, you see like potential in the person and like as a potential like relationship and, and then it just like ends've it's been me too like i you know i've i've cut off a few people but it's majority the other way around yeah okay um man thanks for being honest uh when uh how old are you 27 okay um so the super ghosting happened like what i mean 24 23 yeah i was young yeah i was 20 i was 23 what in the moment what was your mindset like what made you just leave without saying hey listen um i got this opportunity or i'm moving back and i'm sorry but i just want to like end it why did you just decide not to have that conversation um i think it was just i mean probably just pure immaturity okay uh uh and that's that's i mean that's the reason 100 um i was just immature i was unhappy in the relationship i wanted to get

out of it anyways yeah and unfortunately that's the way that i chose yeah um and now i live with that that's yeah uh the people the women you are dating now, are they relative your age? Are they younger? Are they older? The last couple people I've dated have been all, well, actually, just about a year older than me, but I tend to date around plus one or two years.

Okay. I don't really try to go any lower i mean listen all jokes aside like you're clearly not cursed dating's hard these days i mean i think it's uh listen that sucked that you did that and i'm not like but it's not the end of the world did you ever like reach out to that person and apologize by chance? No. I've never talked to her since. Okay. And when I moved back to the Seattle area,

I ended up finding an apartment that is across the street from where she works. Oh, my gosh. She probably doesn't know that. I only know that because she worked there when we were dating. Listen, I, I, if, if, listen, I wouldn't go out of your way and don't like make it a thing, but if it's not that hard for you to message her on Instagram or Facebook and real simple and just say, Hey, you may not even remember me. She definitely does. And just say, I'm sorry for butting in your life. And I apologize if this is coming out of nowhere and you probably don't even need to hear from me. But I just want you to know that the way I handled the situation was wrong. And I've thought a lot about it, to be honest.

And I just want you to know that you deserved better then. And I am sorry for that. And just leave it that way. Keep it real simple. I think like, listen, I would be surprised if she's like, even if she's like married with two kids now, like or whatever her situation is, she will probably really appreciate.

And again, don't make like, there's no like i i was just wrong and i've thought a lot about that and i just want you to know that you always deserve better and i'm sorry for treating you that way uh you're not cursed now i just think it's a good thing to i it sounds like maybe it just bugs you like you're aware of it right and maybe it's a little bit of baggage that you have that you're kind of somehow holding on to and i think if you just you will feel better and she will like she will appreciate it man if if if you if you see it i wouldn't make any suggestion about getting together you definitely even if you were in i don't know if you are you're not that doesn't really matter but make it about that moment yeah don't make a lot of girlfriends their exes reached out and apologized for treating them

badly and it really does mean a lot to them like they're able to let it go i would really i would i would do that i wouldn't even say if you know maybe if we maybe we can catch a drink and catch up sometime no it's not about that it's not about that i don't know if you are not interested in that let her set that up if she would want to but just have it be about listen i i don't even tell you that you're back in town or anything um that doesn't really matter she knows okay uh how does she know uh well we have you have mutual she is still yeah we have mutual friends and you know she follows all my friends on Instagram, whatever. Yeah, I think she would really appreciate you reaching out to her and just saying, hey, I've thought a lot about this over the years.

It's something I really haven't been proud of, and I just want you to know, and I know you know this, that you don't deserve it, but I wanted you to know that I know that you don't deserve it but I wanted you to know that I know that you don't deserve that and I for what it's worth I'm sorry not that you need me to say this but you're better than that and I was wrong for doing that and there was no reason why I should have done that to you and for that I'm sorry and just keep it real simple yeah I agree I think I thought I think I thought about that I think I just needed maybe some validation I think you should

do it as soon as you get off this call and do it right away yeah bite the bullet nothing bad can come from it as far as your current situation and dating life you know dating's tough man

you're definitely not cursed I do think you will feel better and dating life, you know, dating's tough, man. You're definitely not cursed. I do think you will feel better, and maybe there's some baggage that you have that you feel a little guilt about that. And manifest, you manifest what you're thinking about. And in terms of relationships, I always just think take things slow in relationships and dating.

Maybe because, again, manifesting and projecting, maybe if anything, maybe the women you're dating sense that you're trying too hard to make a relationship work and they feel that pressure. I'm not saying that's the case, but it's always helpful to just take things slow and just don't be so quick to want to put labels on things. That's interesting in dating. People want to, they want to label things and a lot of people do. Some people don't, but like what you should always do is communicate, right? And again, like you can be dating someone and you know, people talk about defining the relationship and we, you know, and last week

we had Andrea on and we talked a lot about that as long as two people know uh where there are in the relationship or where they're not you don't necessarily have to put a label on it you can take things slow and and still always check in you just want to avoid confusion um but at the same time early on if you play it just play it chill we talked about in the caller earlier i think just try not to force it too much um do you talk about your past relationships that much um and and when you're in your current dating life uh i i don't on my own terms if somebody asks me i'm open that's i'm an open person if somebody wants to talk about whatever i'll talk about it with them um but i'm not just like you know i'm not like that person where we're usually we're usually meeting people sorry do you say that again where

are you usually meeting people just normal dating apps around friends uh just around um i'm on one dating app uh but mostly yeah around you know sometimes at the gym at bars you know just normal stuff um what kind of women are you attracted to uh that's a good question uh where are they hanging out? What kind of men are the women you're attracted to attracted to? Does that make sense? Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I'd probably say guys that I think I kind of look like a lot of dudes.

Yeah, you're a handsome. I got a beard. Listen, you're a handsome basic white guy a beard. Listen, you're a handsome, basic white guy. You're right. That's good self-awareness. I'm 6'4". Damn. I mean more like...

Tall dude with a beard, like... Damn, Jeremy. I have a full head of hair. Yeah, do you go out... I have a good job. I work out. Yeah.

What I'm getting at is I wonder if maybe some... Listen, I relate... Like, listen, I ask this because I can be guilty of this too is if we're all chasing things that we want to make us feel better about ourselves yeah right um you're a good looking guy and i wouldn't be surprised if the type of woman you would be

attracted to and the type of woman that'd be attracted to you could also maybe um get opportunities um like you know maybe they listen i've when i was younger i dated a girl who was a in the bottle service industry she she now sells software um so that doesn't mean because of some girl does bottle service she's like you know there's a cliche there you know the service industry but like also sometimes you know the going out lifestyle and the young you know mid-20s lifestyle is people that might be not someone who's looking to settle down i guess what i'm asking is are you looking for are you attracted and looking for women who aren't looking for the same thing that you really want to and that's maybe something you can look at when

you talk about like the luck you feel like you're not having. It might just be your selection process. I know when it comes to my life, sometimes I can be guilty of that or I just feel like, well, I'm pursuing things that I shouldn't be pursuing. And it doesn't mean they're not great women. It doesn't mean I'm certainly attracted to them. But it's just like, come on, Nick. So that might be something there in terms of what you're looking for. You're fishing in the wrong pond, so to speak.

You know, I don't know. So maybe kind of look at that. You're also super young still, too. So, like, don't feel like you need to find someone who you have to be in a relationship with. You know, maybe chill out a little bit and kind of go out enjoy your friends always i always always be open to relationships without like feeling like you have to have it um don't spend a lot of time with people um who uh

just you know are you good with being alone i'm curious like do you always have a girl you're hanging out with? No, I typically, throughout the week, I'm pretty much by myself. And then on the weekends, I try to get together with my friends. I play hockey once a week. So that's kind of the most socialization I get. And you live in Seattle right now? Yeah. What's the dating scene like? I've heard a lot of guys that there's not a ton of women women yeah in seattle

well my brother was lucky enough to live in san diego for the past oh yeah day yeah um but i don't know i i honestly prefer the girls uh up here i'm also uh canadian so like when i go up to vancouver to visit i like yeah uh meeting girls up too. Cause you're a young guy. You might not feel young at 27, but you are. I mean, you know, when you,

when you're in your like late twenties, you have this awareness that you're not in your early twenties anymore and you are approaching 30 and that's like a scary thing. And you start like evaluating your life and what you have or more importantly what you haven't accomplished so i just want to reiterate to you that you are super young and in a few years you'll be like god i wish i was 27 again um it's great that you it seems like you are have the settling down mindset and that you're open to that and that's great you know because there's a lot of guys who might be 27 who are still like clubbing it Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night.

And you know, that might not lead to settling down. So you're not cursed, uh, reach out to your friend, uh, and apologize. I think you will feel better. And I think you put a better state of mind and just, just be open and, and maybe, maybe look about what type of people you're pursuing. And, and, and in terms of do, do they really want what you want? Rochelle,

you were going to say something. I just think like we're joking about not being cursed and all that, but I think actually we all are in a way cursed by the super ghosts of our past. Like we all have these things that affect how we live our life now and i think an important thing is also for you to forgive yourself and um and process what you did go through and in order to fully move on yeah i mean i i yes i don't like you're not actual curse in the sense but I do believe that we project things onto ourselves.

And that's why I first asked, have you apologized to her? And I think that should be step one. And forgive yourself. Do it right away. Yeah. It wasn't a crime you committed. It's great that you have an awareness that you hurt someone, probably. And you're not proud of yourself.

And I think that's great to admit. But let her know that she doesn't deserve that and i think you will just feel better about it and probably whatever projecting you are in relationships if you are you'll probably stop doing that in that sense and then you'll you'll be fine and i'm certain you will you will meet someone if someone if you want to meet someone. And just evaluate who you're chasing. Without knowing, just think about it. Give it some thought. Maybe you are chasing the right people.

I don't know. I don't know. I think that I agree with that. I think that's some pretty good advice right there. We all like to sometimes chase the wrong people, men and women. Yeah, that might be what I'm doing wrong. And with a face like yours, easy to chase the wrong people men and women yeah that might be what i'm doing wrong and with a face like yours oh easy to what a great face easy to chase the right you know um so yeah thanks for being so open jeremy um i think you're gonna be for sure thanks for i love i love our guy

callers me too and i think the women truthfully i think a lot of the women really appreciate uh we had another caller earlier andrew and then you jeremy um again the guys just guys are just as confused as women out there uh i always get a kick out of my female friends when i'm i'm asking her well what do you think she thinks or what about this and like guys think about that or guys are worrying and paying yeah we are and we are we are often just as confused about you women as you are about us it's just maybe for different things so i do appreciate you calling in and sharing your story go ahead and dm her and apologize as soon as we get off the phone you'll feel better for it yeah give us an update the rest will all fall into place, I'm sure. Awesome. Thank you, Chris.

All right, buddy. Take care. Thank you. Bye. Yeah. I mean, he just needs to apologize. Yeah, he needs to move on. I think he's moved on. I don't think this has been hanging on his head.

It's just that little thing that's there. Yeah, yeah. Even what I guess is, it sounds like someone broke his heart. Maybe one or two girls, but I'm guessing I get the impression. And now he understands what his, Greg's relating to that. I don't think that's why they broke up. And I don't think he's cursed in that sense,

but I think it's a good opportunity to just kind of release some of that toxic energy that he has. Yeah. I mean, I know that's a big part of like a lot of religions and AA is like, go back and make amends so that you can move forward. And you don't have to be religious or an AA to do that. Yeah, I know.

Again, like we've said this and we talked about like when Caitlin gave me a call. Yeah. You don't need closure. You can't rely on other people for closure. Right. Because sometimes you don't need closure. You can't rely on other people for closure. Right. Because sometimes you don't get it. If this girl, this girl probably, I'm guessing, when Jeremy did it to her, fucked with her,

especially if she liked him. Yeah. And it probably took her a long time to get over. Yeah. She probably had conversations with her friends trying to figure out why he did this, why he said this to me, he did that to me. And that sucks.

Yeah. And she, I'm hoping and assuming she eventually got over to a certain degree but probably there's a part of her that just is there and to hear him say i'm sorry i was wrong you didn't deserve that uh there is no excuse and i wish i was a better man in that moment for you then I think that will mean a lot to her regardless of if she could be married with kids it doesn't sound like she is but she will appreciate that yeah well this was another fabulous episode of ask Nick if I do say so myself I think is another great episode I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as Rochelle and

I did as always thank you for our people who reach in. I always want to do this in the beginning of the episode and we didn't do that, but email us at asknickatcastmedia.com. A-S-K-N-I-C-K at K-A-S-T. The email address is on our Instagram at vilefiles.

Yes. Follow us along. Again, we always appreciate you spreading the word about this show on your social. It's always very helpful. Don't forget to rate us five stars. We're close to 10,000 reviews and likes.

By close, I mean we're like 2,000 away. Yeah, I was like, I thought we had 8,000. Yeah. I feel like, guys, listening. We have a lot more than like, we have a hundred, like a hundred thousand. You're so demanding of the fans. Listen, we can't do this without them.

If they enjoy this program, we need their help. I like your validation, people. Yes. I like this show. I want to get to 10,000. Listen, you don't get what you don't ask for. You gotta have goals.

Goals. Final thoughts. You don't get what you don't ask for. I thought about this today when I went and got donuts. Yeah. For the office here. You know how when you go and get a coffee now, you get donuts?

At least in LA. I don't know how it is everyone else. But you pay with a credit card and then you go and sign it and they'll ask you, do you want to leave a tip? Yeah. And sometimes I'm like, most of the time, I'd be honest, I don't always. If I'm like going and getting a coffee. Right.

And they pour me a coffee, I don't usually leave a tip. And sometimes it's like, why do i don't usually leave a tip and sometimes it's like what do i should i leave a tip like did you do anything normally like i guess if you're if you're a waiter for sure 20 okay so what my point is i thought to myself once in a while someone including myself will be like you know what today i'm giving you an extra dollar and you don't get what you don't ask for. All I'm saying is most people are probably saying no to this tip, but they do it because they serve 100 people a day, 10 of them give a tip,

and now they got 10 more dollars than they had before. You don't get what you don't ask for. So ask. I'm lost in this metaphor, but I'm with you. I don't know. It's great. Well, hey, anyways, as always, rate us five stars on iTunes.

We're close to 10,000 likes and I feel like we can get there. Am I close? I mean, we're 2000 away. And by likes, you mean reviews. Well, actually I just want you to give us five stars.

I know you do. Yeah. You also can review it, but I feel like the people who review it would be the type of person who's going to review and say, no, there's a lot of nice reviews. I don't read them. Uh, but I do see the, who review it would be the type of person who's going to review and say, no, there's a lot of nice reviews. I don't read them.

Uh, but I do see the, the number. I will. I feel like we can get to 2000 if, if, if the people listening, uh,

wanted to, I don't know. Anyways, as always, I really do appreciate all sincerity. You guys listening. We'll be back on Wednesday with Tanner. It's going to be a great episode.

I am assuming we haven't recorded it yet. Um, but, uh, a lot of great things to discuss with Tanner. It's gonna be a great episode, I am assuming, we haven't recorded it yet. But a lot of great things to discuss with Tanner. We will see you on Wednesday. Have a great couple days.