The Viall Files - E372 Ask Nick with Hello Tefi - Their BONER Isn’t Your Problem

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Today we are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode, we are joined again by media presenter and TikToker, Hello Tefi, as we take your calls and give you advice on all things relationships and situationships. Our first caller deals with a young and eager dater who after a few dates, tells our caller that he loves her. We follow their conversation and realize that this date wants to love but doesn’t know why or how to express these feelings properly. Our next caller talks about their breakup with their BFF after a recent visit showed ulterior motives. Now she has to decide if her friend was acting out of jealousy and if she’s outgrown her long term friend. Our last caller struggles to communicate and set boundaries when their dates progress physical affection faster than they anticipated. She gets advice on how to convey to their date that their boner isn’t her problem.  “Do you miss your imperfect friend?” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Relish: Go to http://www.HelloRelish.com/VIALL to receive 50% off today! Wondery: Listen to Killer Psyche on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or you can listen one week ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app. Framebridge: Go to http://www.Framebridge.com and use promo code VIALL to get an additional 15% off your first order. thredUP: New customers get 50% off and free shipping when they go to http://www.thredUp.com    Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @hellotefi See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, lovers out there, if you find yourself in a relationship that you always want to make sure you're doing the little things to keep that spark alive, Relish is an amazing app to help you do that. Last night, Natalie and I played it. Football was on, it was playoff football, but it didn't stop us from asking fun questions about the things that we think or know about each other. We learned so much yesterday about ourselves. And we were just doing that while making dinner and watching football. Everyone was happy because of Relish. Relish is offering our listeners 50% off their Relish subscription. Go to hellorelish.com slash V-I-A-L-L to receive 50% off today. That is hellorelish.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Hey, what's up guys? Can't wait for you to listen to this amazing episode with my friend Tefi,

who's going to help me answer some of our Ask Nick questions. If you haven't had a chance to listen to last week's Wednesday's episode with my friend Naz Perez, we premiered our mediation calls, which is like if you're an Ask Nick fan, you're going to love these. We are combining our interviews with our guests like we did, and then we have couples or friends call in,

talk about a fight they've had, and we help them mediate. It's something we're trying new. We hope you like it. We know that you Ask Nick fans out there and listeners, this is your cup of tea. So if you haven't had a chance to listen to that episode, go check it out.

We appreciate it. Let us know what you think. In the meantime, if you listen to us on Spotify or iTunes, leave a five stars. Get excited for an amazing Ask Nick with my dear friend, Tuffy. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to a very exciting Ask Nick edition of The Vile Files.

I think I've always struggled with the intro with Ask Nick. Welcome to The Vile Files Ask Nick edition. But I think what I just said sounds... The Ask Nick edition of The Vile Files seems to be the best flow. Ask Nick first. Ask Nick nick i have no preference oh yeah ask nick yeah hello teffy it sounds like you're saying arsenic or ask nick ask nick whatever anyway we have a fantastic episode uh i know we've done uh our celebrity guest appearances for the ask nick previous Previous celebrity Ask Nick guests have been Justin Long,

Chrishell Stiles, Esther Pavensky. Esther Pavensky. We've got away from it. It was something we're going to start doing more of in 2022. Is that the year? It's the current year. The 2022, yeah.

Correct. With some of your fan favorites and people we deem qualified. I don't know what that means. We're happy to have you, Taffy. I'm so happy to be here. Welcome back. So you think I'm like famous? Sure, yeah.

Oh my God, it's crazy. I'm obsessed. We enjoyed having you on. People loved listening to your episode they did yeah very much so it's a big hit really?

yeah that's amazing you connected with a lot of people it seemed like yeah we're all dating men huh yeah and so our Ask Nick episode

is very popular people love getting feedback from well I guess me but also from people they love and respect and look up to, relate to. And so here you are.

I was feeling a little insecure today. I was having an insecure day. Were you? I like to talk about confidence a lot, but I don't like to say like… Insecurity is confidence, if you can name it. Confidence is a muscle, right? So I don't like to say like a confident person. I like to say a person with confidence

because it's like a fluctuating thing. But today I was having a little day where I was like, I feel like my confidence is more like within my capabilities sometimes. Like, oh, you know, can I do this? Am I in over my head or whatever? So when you said that, I just want to let you know, you made me feel really cute and good.

Well, great. We're happy to have you and look forward to your insight. Are you looking forward to saving the world? God, I hope I say the right thing. I hope. I think when it comes to advice, it's important to like, it's, I think advice is tricky because you want to reach somebody and you want to talk to that specific situation. But you also want it to be general enough where it applies, but not general enough where you overlook certain situations, right? So being online is cool. Well, what we try to do, what I try to do, do it seems to work and we always tell our audience I'm not an expert or a therapist

I'm just we're just people who have been asked questions and we're going to offer some insight and we just try to peel back the lies we tell ourselves yeah

I like to tell people I've had two boyfriends so I am an expert and that's the joke yeah laugh we're just here to... Two-term girlfriend.

There you go. I think you'll be great. Okay. Yeah. We're not here to be experts. We're not. That's the beauty of it. Okay, let's open up our third eye.

Tap it. I'm telling you to tap it. Tap the third eye. It's a little lower. A little lower. There you go. Tap it up. Okay, we're here.

As an owner of an essential oil company, I should probably know where my third eye is. Absolutely. You're like giving yourself ashes for Ash Wednesday over there. I love essential oils. Please send me essential oils. I'm huge on essential oils. And I want your honest opinion.

I meditate like a motherfucker. You think my essential oils suck. You can tell me. You can even tell the internet. No. I don't think you will. I know what you're saying. You can tell me. You can even tell the internet. No. I don't think you will. I know what you're saying. You think it's good.

But I would text you. No. I'm giving you permission. Okay. To put him on blast. To do an authentic live unboxing and sample. If you wanted to do an essential oils collab, like calm the fuck down with Hello Teffy,

like you want to do that? I'm down. Get a Teffy blend. Teffy blend? Oh my God. We only do blends. We only do blends? Okay.

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where you can listen one week ad free by joining Wondery Plus on the Wondering app. What if there was a place where you could thrift your favorite brands? That scared the shit out of me. From Gap to Gucci. We all love thrift stores. Who amongst us, who listens to the show, doesn't all love thrift stores who amongst us

who listens to the show doesn't love a thrift store no because it makes it feel so much better when you find something that's actually because it's a treasure hunt yeah

you feel like you've accomplished something it was fate I love a thrift store I don't even think it's like gender specific I think people but I know you ladies love it

ladies love ladies love a thrift store. But Nick, what if there's not one close to me? Yeah. Well, then you have ThredUp. That's right. It is one of the largest online thrift stores where you can save up to 90% of estimated retail. Up to 90%. That's essentially free. Essentially. I'm looking at a purse right now. It's a Kate Spade purse. It's really cute. And it's on sale for $48.79.

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you're doing good things for the environment. And that's always great. ThredUp is offering a deal just for new customers. So right now, head to thredup.com. That's T-H-R-E-D-up.com. And get up to an additional 50% off plus free shipping on your first order. That's up to an extra 50% off plus free shipping on your first order just by's up to an extra 50% off plus free shipping

on your first order just by heading to thredup.com. Again, that's th-r-e-d-u-p dot com for up to 50% off and free shipping on your first order. Ladies, what's going on? You have a big wedding coming up, Amanda. New girl!

Yes, I'm a plus one. That's a big deal. And it's a bigger deal because she's in the bridal party, no? That's even bigger pressure. If you're a plus- New girl is. Yeah.

But if you're the plus one of someone in a wedding party, like that's not, I mean, you're going to handle it very well, but I'm saying like, that's not, you don't have a ton of time with them during the actual,

it's not like you can sit with them. No, it's definitely, you are on an island. Yeah. You got to sit alone. And No, it's definitely, you are on an island. Yeah. You got to sit alone. And honestly, I like that kind of situation. I love talking to strangers.

I think you'd be fine. You're going to be baller. I would have anxiety. Why? I could pull it off and I could be a crowd favorite, but it doesn't come natural. Right, it's exhausting.

I have to like, be like, all right, it's game time. You got to zone in. I'm the same way. And I tap out really quick. Like once it's done, I'm like Rocky in the corner and he's like taping me up.

I'm like, I got to get back in there. I got to get back in there. Socially exhausted in the bathroom. Literally. I also feel like it depends on if you have a good interaction within like the first five people you meet.

Cause like, I feel like I would easily get discouraged or like if I had like a really bad situation, then I would get super in my head. But as long as I have like a one positive situation, then I'm like, okay, we're out of your vibing. My trick to that is literally before I go anywhere, when I'm alone in the shower or whatever, I decide in my mind that they love me. And if they don't love me, that's not my business. But you have to like decide. I have this crippling fear of not being self-aware though. Like I would always rather underestimate myself in the eyes of others

because I just would never want to sound like arrogant or like I wasn't. Why would you do that? Why do you call that lack of self-awareness? I do the same thing. It's like self-awareness of like the way other people perceive you. And I think people err on the side

because like you say, you'll never meet a bigger liar than yourself. It makes total sense that we want to like protect ourselves with our mindset. But I think that can on the side because like, you know, like you say, you'll never meet a bigger liar than yourself. It makes total sense that we want to protect ourselves with our mindset. But I think that can result in overprotection. So you're not really reading the. I just always want to read the room. I don't want to be. Read the room, but don't hand over your identity to other people to decide.

Don't do that. Don't do that. You know that you're, you know that you're funny. Damn, she came ready for that. You know what I mean? Like, if this person in the bridal party doesn't like you, they don't fucking know you. Who the fuck are you?

You talk to me for 15 minutes. You don't like me? Oh, no. You know what I mean? I know me. I've lived in my body. I know I'm funny. I know I'm nice.

I know I care about this person in the bridal party. If you don't like me, that sounds like your personal problem. And then who do you like? Oh, I love Rush Limbaugh. Okay, I'm okay that you don't like me. I'm okay with that. Okay. How are you going to introduce yourself?

Like if someone's like, oh, who do you know? Do you know the bride or groom? Yeah. Is the relationship been defined yet? No. You can say friend. That's okay.

But I feel like, okay, I agree, but I feel like because it's like a woman, I think it's kind of like, it bothers me a little bit more being like, this is my friend. Because it makes me feel like- Say we're fucking.

This is my friend who we fuck. We're friends who fuck. And see each other five nights a week. We're seeing each other. We're seeing each other. I'm happy you're going to this. It's fun. It makes for a great story.

But I definitely would not give the advice of going to weddings undefined. It makes for questions. You're in those pictures forever. But I think it's, I feel, this is the first time in my goddamn life I've been securely attached to someone. And so where I'm at is like, I feel like confident that there's a future possibility, no need to rush.

And I think this is going to be a big, big, like this is our first trip together. Actually, yeah, that's good. So I think- What are your expectations of this wedding? I think it's going to be, first, I think it's going to be fun, first and foremost.

But I think it's going to be just like a time to really see if the way that, because she brings me so much joy and we have so much fucking fun together. And I think it's going to be a time to see if that translates in different contexts and if that translates to like 72 hours together or if like someone's being

like in the bridal party is like starting drama or like I doubt they would like it seems like really really delightful group but I think it's just going to be like a ton of information about like the way we handle situations that we haven't been in before. Yeah for sure. So how well this experience goes for you

you're not using this as a barometer necessarily to define it afterwards, are you? I think you should a little. Really? Yeah, a little bit. But I think that puts too much weight on a wedding. Why is it weight? Why is it weight to see how somebody treats you

around people that they love? I think I'm not in a rush because I feel secure. I think like when I want to define stuff, it's because there's an underlying sense of like, I need some, I need to feel this sense of security. And with this, I'm like, on one hand, I feel very secure. And on the other hand, I feel like I'm like thinking about the idea of ethical non-monogamy. And I don't know if that's just because like getting cheated on really fucks you up. And like, so I think I feel like there's a ton of time

I just like I don't want to rush into something that could be amazing would you how would you would you call it a situationship now

I think it's a little bit more than that no because I feel like in a situationship there's like kind of the context of like somebody wants a little more yeah I agree

and I don't think it's unequal I feel like it's pretty balanced and just in different ways the reason why I ask that question what I mean by like I think a little more. Yeah, I agree. And I don't think it's unequal. I feel like it's pretty balanced and just in different ways. The reason why I ask that question, what I mean by like, I think a lot of people

in a dating situation, and it seems like you guys have a lot of communication and like you said, you seem very comfortable with the relationship. They won't talk about things. There's some hooking up, there's some liking,

there's some dating, and then one person will be like, yeah, I got this wedding, you want to go? And then without talking about expectations on themselves, they will build up in their mind what this wedding means for the relationship. Especially, let's say, Amanda was the person in this relationship who was thinking about defining it, but was nervous to do it and wasn't sure what they would say, and then kind of go in and be like, this is a sign. They will use these kind of moments, like meeting parents, weddings, and things like that, where other people will be like, I don't know, I just needed a date. And so it can get cloudy. And I think I was in that boat before. That's where communication comes in though. Yeah. I mean, that's where communication comes in.

And when you let expectation kind of like decide, something that really helps me when I'm in these situations is like, even as a friend, there are certain things like when you meet, even a group of friends doesn't have to be a wedding. When there's an inside joke, do they turn to you and they say, oh, I have to tell you this story. Do they include you within these like conversations? And how do they, when you're walking, do they introduce, how do they introduce you?

It doesn't have to be like, oh, hi, this is, I'm going to make it up. This is Brian. I don't know. But like, hi, I really want you to meet somebody. Or like, oh, I've been meaning to introduce you. Like those small things, like even as a friend, you know what I mean?

And I think people think about dating, like, it's fine. We don't need to, you know, define it. I don't want to put pressure on it. That's fine. But base level, as a friend, are they a good friend to you? Do you think that's polite? Do you think that's nice? Is base level, as a friend, are they a good friend to you? Do you think that's polite? Do you think that's nice? Is it considerate? Those are like basic human things. So when we get into this idea of like, oh, to ask, you know, like the pressure or whatever,

you're way ahead. You need to figure out how this person acts around people that have known them forever and who love them. Totally. And that's, that's when like the idea, the idea of identity, like where do I fit into this person's life? and it was like when we were hanging out on saturday one of the one of the friends from the bridal party carl called and she put them like on speakerphone was like hey i'm with me like she's just like incredibly considerate and treats me so well that it's like hard to imagine a scenario in which she wouldn't like have my back in this wedding right like if we're gonna be together for a long time, let's take our time. Yeah.

But don't be an asshole. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm fine with taking your time, but I don't want to like, handhold you into like, this is how you should treat somebody.

And I feel like she's doing great. Yeah. She's awesome. Sick rock and roll bitch. Well, we look forward to. I look forward to you getting married. Well,

we have a great episode for you. We do. We do. Excited do Taffy knows we do I wanted to talk to you about Framebridge but Amanda told me to shut up because

apparently I love this company apparently I couldn't do it justice and I obviously love Nick's input Because apparently... Because I love this company. Apparently, I couldn't do it justice. And obviously, we love Nick's input. Okay. Obviously. POV.

I have this big wall in my room that I'm trying to turn into a gallery wall. I have certain frames all laid out. But I have this huge, like, narrow... Or it's really wide, but it's very short. This patch that I want to fill. Framebridge was so perfect because you can do a custom design frame. I had this graphic that I made edited myself. I really easily uploaded it to the website. And then I was able to get a frame that is one, absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous. And two, the exact size that I needed for my space. If I'd already had a photo or a poster, I could have sent it in. They do everything from diplomas to like small sentimental objects.

It is such a cool company. Instead of, you know, paying a ton of money at a framing store, their prices start at $39 and all shipping is free. Plus my listeners get 50% off their first order at framebridge.com when you use code V-I-A-L-L.

Order online at framebridge.com or stop by a Framebridge store to work with a designer in person. If you're in New York, D.C., Atlanta, Philly, Boston, or Chicago, go to framebridge.com and use promo code VIALL to save an additional 15% off your first order. Just go to framebridge.com, promo code VIALL. That's F-R-A-M-E-B-R-I-D-G-E dot com promo code V-I-A-L-L. It's a great company. They do good work at Framebridge.

Guys, I'm about ready to buy something off ThredUp. I swear to God. I'm so ready. These ads are just for Allie and I. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com and hey, if Valentine's

Valentine's I've been accused of the times Well If you have those stories, questions, concerns angst, anxiety around Valentine's Day, we would love to hear your stories. Or excitement Or excitement, well, you know. Joy

Sure. You know Anything Valentine's Day know. Joy. Yeah, sure. You know. Anything Valentine's Day related as it comes up, send in those questions. We love to talk about it. Valentine's Day does fall on a Monday this year, so I feel like that will be a big episode for us. Huge drop. A huge, huge drop. You know,

your trauma is our gift. Your trauma makes our money. Send it on over. So let's, oh, great. We lined up for you. Rozzy will be here. Huge Bachelor fan, talented musician.

We'll be recapping The Bachelor with us. And on Wednesday, we have a fantastic interview with Morgan Cohen. You won't want to miss that. And very insightful woman. Loves to talk about relationships and dating. So do we. Okay.

All right. All right. Let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. I'm Sarah and I'm 23 years old. Hi, Sarah. How can it going? Good. I'm Sarah and I'm 23 years old. Hi, Sarah. How can we help?

So I met this guy the Thursday after Thanksgiving, just to give you some time reference. Met through mutual friends. My best friend was talking to one of his friends. We all went out. He and I just kind of hit it off, kind of talked throughout the night. The next day he ended up DMing me on Twitter which I thought was like a little weird but I was like whatever he's 21 years old um for reference so he DMed me we ended then we had a date a few days after um and then we had a third date

so these are all kind of back to back um and on the third day I ended up locking myself out of my apartment and I am like a very anxious person and so I guess he kind of saw that side of me and I liked that because I thought that was like good for the beginning of the relationship. That's amazing. Uh-huh. Like for him to be able to see that, because that's like an important part of who I am. And he responded really well. So that was encouraging to me, I guess. So my friend and the guy she was talking to, we had been planning to

go visit him. He lives like five hours away from us. The guy she was talking to. So I ended up inviting the guy I was talking to, to come with us because they all know each other. Nice. And I was kind of worried, like, is that too soon to do? I asked my therapist and she helped me like decide. What'd she say? She said, no. She said if she could tell, I really wanted to go. So she thought it was a good idea.

So I ended up going on a business trip after our three dates before we went on this trip with our friends. And we like called each other every night. We were texting constantly, constantly in communication. So I was feeling really good going into the trip. Really excited. So there were a few things on the trip that happened that made me a little uncomfortable. So he hadn't kissed me yet.

And we had gone on three dates. And that was just kind of annoying to me. And I obviously told my friend about it because I was like that was just kind of annoying to me. And I'd obviously told my friend about it. Cause I was like, I'm kind of annoyed by this. So we were at the bars, we were all drinking and she went up to him and was like, you should kiss Sarah.

Like kind of as a joke, whatever. But that's what he needed to actually go through with it. So that was just kind of like, you know that he said that to her. I know that because she told me this after he said this. Yeah. No,

my friend told me, so we don't know if he needed that. Your, your friends diagnosing. Well, he kissed her. So she's saying that's maybe that's what he kissed you. I'm guessing after that.

Okay. So you're thinking that was a remedy. She's assuming she's assuming she's assuming. You certainly put them in a spot. I'm assuming. She's assuming. She's assuming. You certainly put him on the spot. I'm assuming. Poor baby. I would have died. I would have died.

It can be emasculating. Yeah. He also made a comment, something about me taking his last name. It was like a joke, but I was very... Wait, he hasn't kissed you? And he's just like,

are you going to take my last name? The fuck? Yeah. Some joke about his last name and fuck yeah some joke about his last name and obviously i can't say his last name but it was just kind of a joke but definitely yeah i was 21 how old are you again 23 23 okay okay 21 he's playful he says that and then he also love languages love languages which i don't i mean i don't think it's a bad thing to talk about you if you're not in love but that's a great thing to talk about before you're in love it's how you recognize and

acknowledge and accept love it's important exactly so we were talking about that and he said that physical touch isn't really one of his love languages unless he's with someone he this is his quote unless I'm with someone I really like or even more it is called the love languages and said that to me so I was like wait wait I'll say that again he's basically saying if I really like you or if I love you then I'm physically then I'm then I'm affectionate with you. So you're imagining the wedding. You got carried away. Yeah. Yes. Okay.

Go on. So I'm just, I do that all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then I'm like, this is kind of getting

almost too much. I'm thinking, I'm like, we've only known each other for three weeks. Yes, I really like him. Clearly he likes me

more than I like him, which is fine. But I was just like, something's kind of going on here so this might be like where i messed up but when we had talked on the phone we had talked about him like meeting my parents and we had like brought up that conversation so i who brought that up on our way she did did you you I don't know if I was on well he lives

with his parents still so I knew if I ever went to his house I'd be meeting them and I think he said well I want to meet your parents

it just kind of evolved from there you haven't really defined anything you're not boyfriend or girlfriend it's been three weeks we haven't defined anything

we haven't even said I know you just never really know i never assume with you know people try to define relationships in three days or three years no we haven't even said we were exclusive nothing like that on the way when we were driving back home i'm like this i need to like pump the brakes a little bit so i told him when we were like 10 minutes from my house, I said, you know, I'm going to go home because it was the holiday season. I'm going to go home for Christmas, which is always the plan. I think we should hold off on the whole parent thing.

Just wait after Christmas. Maybe just kind of see how everything's going. He's like, awesome. Okay, sounds good. He drops me off. I say bye whatever i get a text that says i had the best time with you i had so much fun um i didn't see it and then two minutes later i get another text that says hey i wanted to tell you something but i was too nervous too and i'm like oh god and like i don't know why but but I was like, he's going to say he loves me. I know he's going to say he loves

me. He's asking for permission to say something. Go on. So I just said what because I was scared. And he said, can I call you really quick? Yes. It won't take long. And I'm like, I just got home. I was gone for

over a week. I'm just trying to get everything together. I was like, can I call you later? I can't talk now. And he said, so then he just sends us paragraphs. Basically, I know what I want. I want you. I love you. I care about you so much. But he did say, I love you. Like those words were said. He did. Yes. So I'm just like, oh my God. I'm just annoyed at this point because I'm like why did you have to do that this is so inconvenient

and it's just weird thing because I thought he would have gotten the vibe that I that I was kind of trying to slow things down. So I respond, I appreciate your vulnerability. I'm dying. I'm dying for this kid. Uh-huh. I had a great time with you, but I don't necessarily feel this. I don't feel the same way.

Thank you so much for sharing. And so he just is sending like paragraph, paragraph, paragraph. I'm not replying. And I'm just like, I need some time to think about this.'s panicking right now he's dying yeah he's dying he's calling all of the boys the texts are so insane like he's like i hope i didn't just screw something i care about so much i don't know why i did this like just like it's just back up back after back i took about three days three or four days you're a 21 year old boy you took three years the odyssey so my therapist suggested either cut him off completely tell him it's going to be more casual and you'll go to like basically start dating other guys but also see him at the same time or continue what you're doing.

So I kind of bring it up and I'm saying- How's that helpful? So just like the break is fucking hard and to see someone that you actually like. He just gave you a bunch of different options. Like literally the options. The only one. Those are the only ones that are possible. So I call him and i basically am going into

this saying i'm done this is too much for me and he is like i understand um is there any way like is there any any way we can start over i've done like you'll give me 21 year old me would have been like you know what let's just pretend we never met and we'll start over. Strike it from the record. Strike it from the record. And I'll just... I've done a lot of thinking.

I think I've grown these past three days. Like a video game. We just pet like restart, you know? Yes, literally. Rewind completely. I feel his pain, but I also know your pain when you're just like,

I don't want to break up with him because I don't want to talk to him. I have the ick. I'm just done. Yeah. You know? I get it. I get it. Keep going. So how did he react? pain when you're just like I don't want to break up with him because I don't want to talk to him I have the ick I'm just done you know I get it I get it keep going so how did he react well so I just was like

he's like would you ever like could we just could we go like get like lunch and I just was like so stressed I'm like I don't know I was like and so I should have said no but I was like I'll think about it I am obsessed with you No, I was like, and so I should have said no, but I was like, I'll think about it. Oh, it's the worst.

I am obsessed with you. That was the meanest answer. I know, you know what's so funny about that is that you felt awkward and uncomfortable. You probably felt weird for being mean and you didn't know what to say. And no felt mean, but in reality, maybe is 10 times worse. Oh, the correct. I asked him that and he said, maybe, he said, maybe it is 10 times worse oh the correct i asked him that and he said maybe he said maybe it's 10 times better than no he has no fucking clue what he wants or what's good for him he might even think that but he also doesn't know what you're really feeling i always talk about

hopeful and you know he's crushing hope is the worst and this version he's the hopeful person you're 23 and the hopeful person is incredibly vulnerable and they're desperate and they don't know whatever the fuck they want

and they they are they were everything that's good for them they just dismiss you know their egos

activated and their egos it's like you gotta make this work or you're a fucking loser they're maniacs you know and yeah

so maybe I am was a nightmare for him. So where are we now? So now I told him it's over. I don't see it going any further. I'm sorry. You know, all the classic, like, I think you're a great guy. Whatever. you know, all the classic, like, I think you're a great guy, whatever.

And I guess my question is, how do I move forward from this? He's still texting me. He still. Look at the blue. What did she say? Are you the one who sent the text? Yes. I need you to read the blue out loud. Pretend.

Pretend. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Pretend you just said I love you to me. Blue is me. Yes. Yes.

Pretend you said. Blue is you. Yes. Oh, do you want to read this out loud together? No, I'll be him. Okay, you be him. I am on, so this is act three. Okay, so do you want to start at the top of, no, it's not. Sorry, sorry for the grammar. No, I had such an amazing time. I'm you, I'm you. I'm you. Okay. I'm 23. You're 21. Get into it. Take a second. Hold on. Nick, look at me.

Yeah, I got it. Close your eyes. I'm already there. Oh, he's in character. That's crazy. Okay. I take a year to decide what I like, and I know what I like and what I want. And what I want, you are more.

What I want, you are more amazing, and I want you more are more. What I want, you are more amazing and I want you. And what I want, you are more amazing and I want you, I just want you to know how much I care about you and that I love you. I don't want to rush you into anything too late, buddy. And I want you to know that however much time you need, I will be waiting just as long. Sorry for the grammar and punctuation errors.

I should have said this in person and not over talk to text, LOL. That's very sweet. That's very sweet. And I appreciate you being vulnerable. And of course, I really enjoyed our time together this weekend. I really just don't feel the same level. Can I give this a day or two to think about? Yes, of course.

You know what? That's crazy. He completely ignored, I don't feel at the same level. And only read, can I give it a day or two to think about? I don't want this to be

something you feel pressured right away into. I realize that I should not have dropped this on you in the setting that I did after that long car ride and you running on fumes. And I apologize for doing that as well. Poor guy. And then, and then, then what does he say?

Just got home safe! The exclamation point, exclamation point. Just so you know, I'm okay. And I cropped out a picture of his dog. Because I know you're very worried about me. Oh, he sent me. He sent me a picture of okay. I cropped out the picture of his dog. Because I know you're very worried about me. Oh, he sent me. He sent me a picture of his dog.

He sent me a picture of his dog saying like his dog was excited to see him. And I'm like. He's really trying to change the subject and trying to get back to normal. Okay.

I'm you. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. I really appreciate you explaining where your head was at with that. Oh, baby, the punctuation. Okay.

I agree the timing wasn't optimal. However, I don't know if different circumstances would have changed me needing more time with that. I really enjoy the time I spend with you, but I don't think we have spent enough time together or know enough about each other to be feeling that way. I just need some time to think. Glad you're back safe. This is where you keep fucking up. You make great points and then you immediately disqualify yourself

and invalidate these very thoughtful and honest answers of like, hey, listen, buddy, this is not like a love bomb. He's getting ahead of himself. He's excited, you know? And you are reminding him, we don't know.

Like whatever you're feeling, you are manifesting in your head and you're projecting it onto me. Yeah, exactly. And you say that, but then you don't even like wait for a separate text. You don't send it and let it marinate. You just say, I just need some time to think.

You know, so you're disqualifying yourself. It takes a long time. And try not to do that. It takes a long time to be okay with hurting somebody's feelings and letting them down soft. That's the thing. I wanted to like comfort him.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. And it's like- That's his friend's job. How many men have comforted you when they let you down? Yeah. You're okay. Never.

You're fine. Yeah. At all. They're like, why are you crying? I'm like, I do think there are some, this guy probably would have done it where, you know, it's awkward for anyone, man or woman to be on the other side. And that's where it gets very uncomfortable. And we just have to, honesty is the kindest thing for the long run, not in the short run. It's not your job to be their friend. It's their job. Pull the bandaid off. Never be cruel. Just be honest. And it's okay, especially in dating situations. Them being mad at you, you're doing them a favor. It gives them an opportunity to move on. It gives them an opportunity to let go

and see things a little more clearly. The biggest takeaway is like what we already talked about. Like when you get in these situations and someone just falls for you and you realize and you have the maturity to recognize, like he doesn't know he feels this way about me. There's nothing you can do to fix him in that moment. And you just have, honesty is the best thing.

And just at the risk of even him accusing you of being cold and him accusing you of a name call, you know, that if nothing else, I will just verify what you already know. It's like, this is not my person. This is not my guy

because he didn't even handle it maturely. This guy's trying to be sweet and he's trying to, you know, and it's like, dating is complicated and hard. And, you know, he's this young kind of want to be like and he's trying to you know and it's like dating is is complicated and hard and he you know he's this probably this young kind of want to be like self-aware guy who wants to make sure he's being empathetic and kind and apologizing and not overstepping his boundaries meanwhile just just a fucking mess of himself and yeah thank god i'm so thankful texts don't

like a 20 year old texts aren't out there i mean yes for me he said he said i've waited he goes i've waited 21 years for something like this i can wait a lot longer okay well i'm like no well don't wait around until you're 40 okay love in the time of cholera no um i think honestly you are just somebody in his life like he will never do this like he will never do this again. He will never do this again. Unfortunately, you're that person and it sucks. Two, if I were you, there's a difference between being kind and there's a difference between being nice. Nice is you look great. Kind is, babe, you got something in your fucking teeth. You know what I mean? Like before, you know, so I feel like it's not unkind to be like, I don't like you. I want to be your friend. And one day you're going to meet somebody so great

and you guys are going to be so happy. And so am I. Is that going to be with each other? It's not you. But like, you know what I mean? Like just, and if he keeps texting you, oh my God, he's grasping at straws. Like grasp.

I can feel it. I've been there. I have been- Just panicked. And feeling like, oh my God. And it's no longer about you. It's about, this is a story about ego at this point. It's just activated.

It's literally about ego. He's blowing up yours and he's trying to get some in his tank too. Because he feels like you hold the power to his confidence. And that's something that young people do. You know what I mean? Like if he doesn't like me, I'm a piece of shit. Like, no, that's not true at all. Or if I'm not good enough for her, like, why am I not good enough for her? Why doesn't she like me? I did everything right. Isn't this what women want? It's like this constant conversation. It's like a conversation that you have over and over and over with yourself where you're not even real

anymore. He's romanticized you at this point. You're just some girl that he's in love with that he barely knows. And you can say that you don't even know me. How can you love me? You don't even know me. I'm an idea to you, you know? Yeah. So he bought me this candle for Christmas and he won't stop talking about it. And like, he won't stop talking about it and asking if he can like give it to me and i'm like i don't need it i don't need fucking candle that bad and like i guess my like overall question is like is this at all i don't even know if i want it but like is it at all possible for us to be friends no no no it's not no no no no why why what What is the feeling that's even making you want this? She feels bad.

Mostly it's just I feel bad and I don't like disappointing people. Well, that's something you're going to have to work on. Yeah, disappointing people. This is a 21-year-old stranger. If that is a problem you really think you have, the fear of disappointing people, and if you don't work on that, that will get you into sticky situations

until you figure it out. This won't be the last time some guy likes you more than you like them. He's going to be obsessed with you. I feel it. You're an icon. I'm obsessed with you. I'll send you a candle. And I think you have to really think about...

The biggest takeaway for me in this whole call you know we've this has been fun is that as soon as as soon as you feel like someone likes you or as soon as someone says we're like affirm a affirm like affirms their feelings for you and says these words that you know they can't back up, you know, versus I just feel like, then trust that feeling, right? And if you like a guy and he says that, feel free to like politely push back. Well, why do you feel that way? What makes you feel that way? Because like, I like you too, but I don't want to get carried away with like, you know, these grand words. I want to move at an appropriate pace and I want our feelings to match like what we actually feel about each other

and what we like. You know, I want you to be able to say what it is you like about me. Oh, it's just, it's just, I just feel like I know you forever. That's not going to, it's something we love to say when we're young, but like, it doesn't get us anywhere once we've like cemented a relationship. And so I think it's really important for you to like practice pushing back on these guys who are falling for you fast and not being afraid to walk away and just not you don't need to be fucking friends you don't need these friends no you can be friends with every fucking guy who likes you and you don't like them please put him out of his misery please put him out of his misery okay let this boy live

these texts you sent us read them again that is so sweet I will every night before I go to bed that will help me and point out the parts where you're on

I want you to go through your text that you sent and highlight the parts that you think are honest and then the parts that you realize you're trying to be nice polite

and polite and worried about hurting his feelings. And then you follow up with a version of that only includes the very honest things. And send that. And let him text whatever. But say goodbye. Say goodbye. I do.

You're not opening. This is not a conversation. You're just giving him a text so he can't accuse you of ghosting. Right. And one day he's going to find someone else and God bless him. One day he'll host a podcast. One day he'll be here. He'll be here.

He'll be here. He'll be here. He'll be here. He'll be here. He'll be here. Yeah. Tell a young man to chill the fuck out, you know? Don't send her the dog, bro. he'll be here. We'll talk about relationships. Tell a young man to chill the fuck out. Don't send her the dog, bro.

Maybe I'll call in. You did great. You're doing good, babe. I love that you know who you are. Thank you. All right. Take care. Thank you. Have a good day. This is the tale as old as time.

We're at the age. How old are you guys? 24. I don't know. Bye. This is the tale as old as time. Yeah. So we're at the age. How old are you guys? 24. I don't know. I can't say yet. But like we're at the age. It's not as much as age as experience. No, but we've been both.

We've been both. I didn't date a lot in high school. I didn't really have a serious girlfriend in high school. So it's all relative to like when you first experience this kind of powerless feeling. It's very humbling. and vulnerability in your life. Some people it's, you know, freshman year of high school and some people...

I was telling Amanda though, I was, when I was in high school, this guy in college told me he loved me and I literally was like, no, babe, you don't. It's an amazing answer. You just have to be honest. What was your favorite part of the convo?

I'll tell you mine. Just got home safe. Just got home safe. Unsolicited. That moment, I felt it. I was like, this man is down all the way back. The worst part about those is in that moment, right before you send it, it feels like a good idea. And then you send it and you're like oh no. What was your favorite part of the convo? It was probably that. Also that's sweet. No wait I know. No it was the no I'm sorry. Yes of course.

Oh my god. She literally was like I really don't feel the same level. But then she disqualified herself by saying I give this I'll give can you give me a day she asked for she asked for permission how's it going good how are you good what's your name

my name is Jenna I'm from Canada I'm 28 how can we help Jenna so I have a bit of a situation with my best friend at the moment. I actually haven't talked to her in like nine or 10 months now. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. That's the worst. I'm so sorry. Best friend breakups are the worst. Yeah. It's, it's been tough. Like there's been a lot of times where I'm like, Oh, I just want to reach out to her, but like we haven't talked and like, it's just like this elephant in the room. Um, anyway, so back in like February of last year, she was like talking to me about this guy that she had recently rediscovered on Instagram that she like grew up with and how she had a crush on him when she was younger, blah, blah, blah.

Honestly, I didn't think much of it. She cycles through guys like their underwear like crazy. And so I've just gotten to the point where when she says a guy's name, I don't really pay attention, which sounds bad as a best friend, but she goes through them so fast that it's hard to keep up. What do you mean by she goes through them so fast? She's on a lot of dating apps, like all of them that you can think of. She's constantly going on different dates. She'll be talking about a different guy every week.

You're giving me the sense of judgment on those choices. Yeah, it's a little shameful, but that's okay. Yeah, she is. No, no, no. I'm saying you're shaming her a little bit. And that's okay. But you're mad at her. So I get it. You're mad.

And I understand. I'm just like, I've just always been the complete opposite of her where I never really cared too much. You thought this was just another guy in the mix. Totally, totally. Okay. And anyways,

didn't really think of it when she brought it up. So fast forward to April. My boyfriend kept telling me that he had like this big surprise for me. Wouldn't tell me what it was. Turns out she was flying in for a week. I hadn't seen her in like a year and a half because of COVID. I was super excited for her to come. Like when she came out of the vehicle, I started like bawling. I was so excited to see her. Like it had been like a really tough year for me. Like mentally, um, I was unemployed from like my dream job. I was like working part-time in retail, just like not in a good headspace at all. Um, so I was really excited to like see her and hang out with her, like talk to her in person. The first few days were really

good. We like went to the mountains, we like toured around the city where I live. And then she just kept like bringing up this guy that she had been talking about in February, which it turns out he lived in the same city that I did, which like wasn't where she was at, like three provinces away, not near her at all. And she was like, kept talking about him. She's like, I don't know if I should message him or not, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, okay, like you don't even live where he lives and you're here for me yeah and you're here for me like he lives he lives in your town yes so you started feeling immediately like maybe she was their ulterior motive for him 100% and I was just kind of like kept rolling my eyes at it and I was like hey whatever like like it's just her being her like you know um but then she just like literally just kept bringing it up and like every I remember being in the mountains we were like at a brewery like trying to have a good time it was like nice outside um like finally getting out of like snow season in Canada so we were just like hanging out in the sun and she was like sitting there and she's like, Oh, should I message him? Should I not message him? Like, should I ask him

that? Like message him at all? And just like ask him where the cool places in like your city are to be. And I'm like, okay, first of all, he'll think that's super weird because like clearly your best friend lives here. Like she would know where the cool places are to go, but okay, whatever. If you want to message him, go for it. So she ended up like messaging him. And I think he just like gave her a few word answers back. The next like day or so happens. It comes to like my birthday.

And I just wanted to like hang out, chill, like not do anything crazy on my birthday. Just like I had bought a new hammock. I want to hang out in the backyard and the sunshine. Hammocks are cool. Yeah. Thank you. It was a great birthday present for myself. And so we were sitting outside and this was the first time that she had ever met my boyfriend. Like, obviously I talked to him about him to her tons, but this is the first time they had met like face to face. And so my boyfriend was like being super nice to me that day. It was my birthday. He was like doing anything that I needed him to do, like just being super thoughtful. Um, and so at one point

he was like, Hey, like, do you need anything? And I was like, yeah, I'd love a drink. And so he's like, cool. He went inside to like, grab me a drink. And I was like, Hey, I'm going to ask her like what she thinks of him. Cause we't really talked about him up until this point. And I was like, what do you think? What do you think of him? And she was like, honestly, he's a little whipped. And I was like, excuse me? I'm like, it's my birthday.

He's doing nice things for me because it's my birthday. That just threw me. And I was like okay like whatever i guess we're not gonna have this conversation about what you think about my boyfriend that's fine um and so then like fast forward like and the next day again she brought up this guy turns out his sister also lives where i live. And so she was like, maybe I should message his sister and see if she wants to hang out. And like, maybe she'll like introduce me to him and like, we can hit it off. And I'm like.

What do you mean introduce? She had never met him? They just like met through an app or something? The hometown. No, like, like re, yeah, they were like from the same hometown. They were like family friends when they were younger, but like they. She knows him. The way you know people from Wisconsin.

Sure. Okay. Yeah, yeah exactly all 10 of them she was like maybe she'll like tell yeah exactly it's like maybe she'll tell him that like we should hang out blah blah blah and i'm like okay i have a brother that lives in a different province i would never set him up with anyone that lives like in a different province like You don't live near each other. It's weird dynamics. How did the weekend end? You guys had a blowout fight. Were you guys drinking? Okay, sorry.

The movie in my mind is rapid. I'm there with you right now. I'm there. I wish that's how it had happened, honestly, because I probably wouldn't feel how I feel right now if that's how it had happened. Anyways, fast forward. We went to go get our nails one day and she was like, you know what?

I'm not going to message him and ask him to hang out. I'm not going to do it. And I was like, hey, yeah. I was like, yeah, that's probably a good idea. I don't think that he would hang out with you anyways. You're not from the same place, blah, blah, blah. Um, then my boyfriend thought that, no, I said that to her. I'm very open and honest.

How'd she take that? Um, she agreed with me. She was like, yeah, you know what? Like, it's like a, like a long shot. Like I, yeah, you're probably right. Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, fine. Like settled. And then I find out later that're probably right. Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, fine. Like settled.

And then I find out later that night, my boyfriend was like, so she messaged that guy. And I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, she came like up this morning when she got up and was like freaking out because she couldn't press send like on the message that she was going to send him. And so she made me do it for her.

And I was like, she literally told me that she was not going to message him and ask him to hang out. And like, now you're telling me that she did. Like, first of all, does she not think that you're not going to tell me that you did this for her? What? And so the weekends, she goes home. And I instantly, the second we drive away from the airport, I look at my boyfriend and I was like, how did this happen? Like, who planned it? Like, how did all this come to fruition? And she was like, she messaged me back in February already saying I should come out for your girlfriend's birthday.

And instantly I was like, that was the second she found this guy. And she knew that he lived in my city and she was like I'm gonna go there and blah blah and immediately I was like felt like she had come out here for like completely different reasons it was and I was just like heartbroken and like gut-wrenching like annoying. Why? Because it just felt insincere that she didn't really come out here to see me. It was just convenient that I lived in the same place that he did.

Cool. And then you haven't really spoken since? And then, yeah, she messaged me a week after she left. You didn't say anything while she was there? No. You didn't say anything while she was there? You didn't say anything? Wow, Canadians are built different. What?

I didn't. I was just like the most annoyed ever. I didn't really say anything. And then you had already spoken and it's basically kind of... Yeah, she messaged me like a week after she left and she was like, I'm going to delete all of my dating apps. And I was like, cool. Okay. So you guys didn't fight about it

you guys didn't even have a fight you just stopped talking to each other I have my thoughts Nick I'm going to let you go first because I'm interested because you're really good at girl talk in the friend situations

you know we're hearing your version so like you know we're team you we got you but in the spirit of my first question is

what's your question and what do you want in this what do you want my question is if you think i should reach out to her and like discuss it with her like up until this point i don't know what do you want do you want to be friends again i mean baby don't like her baby don't like hold on i don't mean. What do you want? Do you want to be friends again? I mean... Baby, don't like her. Baby, don't like her. Hold on. I don't mean to suss you. It's okay. Sometimes I need it.

It's been bothering you. So what's bothering you? Is it just like you need to get something off your chest, as Teffy is suggesting, but you don't really like her? Or do you miss your imperfect friend i do miss her i miss like like being able to call her when i'm super upset about something and just like ranting like she was a really good like friend to be able to just call and when i'm crying at one in the morning and she'd answer the phone and you know it was just like

I think we had somewhat of a very different story but a friend situation just spend the next 60 seconds telling me some of her great qualities oh that's good fuck

she's very good at listening she is like a very like I would say up until this point, I would have said that she's a very loyal friend. Why do you feel like that wasn't her being loyal? Yeah. Um, selfish. Sure. Right. For sure. Maybe that's the, maybe that's the word I'm looking for is I was a little bit more selfish than her not being loyal. So here's the thing. As we get older, as you've kind of talked about... As you say, as Teffy has, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We get to know ourselves more. We get more rigid with our expectations. We become, as individuals, all of us more complicated, right?

Part of that is because we have more clarity on what we want and what we don't like. right part of that is because we have more clarity on what we want what we don't like part of that is because we're not getting what we hoped in our expectations of what we thought of ourselves in our early 20s in college and we can sometimes project and it kind of complicates relationships of all kinds right and so you're telling the story and i empathize with you i empathize with like oh my god you you had a part of it is the emotion of being so excited. You had this tough year, like you said, it meant so much to you

that she took the time. And then as the weekend progressed, every kind of interaction or thing she said kind of like stole that moment from you. Right? 100%.

Yeah. Well, like it took away from, that moment meant so much to her. She talked, you know, like she got out of the car, this big surprise she cried and as she continued the weekend and got a little bit more clues from her friends intentions

it chipped away and they made it feel less and less special and then sometimes when we feel so emotional about a moment and then we realize over time it wasn't as authentic as we felt in the moment, sometimes we can feel angry, we feel cheated. And then that person, and that's probably why you're saying loyalty.

Like you, my friend stole, like, oh my God, made me feel like, you know. She took advantage. And so, but yeah, you're telling, what you're describing is like, think about it. You have this, what seemingly is a, she gets the, she meets your boyfriend the first time and birthday or not, what seemingly is a, she meets your boyfriend for the first time and birthday or not,

what she is seeing this super attentive, great boyfriend. Jealous. You are talking about this woman who like, as you describe, slightly judgy on your part, as boy crazy on all these apps. We feel the judgment from others, whether they say it or not,

especially the people closest to us, like our parents, our moms and siblings, our best friends, when when we feel their judgment. And then we react to that. So it's a two-way street with this friendship. And was she wrong for being not as upfront about our intentions? But how was she supposed to do that? Is it that bad that maybe her initial motivation of first reaching out to your boyfriend is because she liked a guy? And then you're also projecting at her because you know in your mind she's boy crazy and she does things like this. And so that bothers you. Can't she come out for two reasons? And then could she be a much better communicator about her intentions?

Sure. you know and then she could she be a much better communicator about her intentions sure but if you are making her feel judged without saying it people are prone to like not be as honest like why would i tell she's just gonna judge me she's gonna make fun of me she's gonna say this is how you're always being etc etc etc i feel like you're being really mean and i don't mean that in the way where i'm like i'm not mean I mean a lot I am not a perfect person but I have been in your situation one you were over her you were sick of her you didn't you you can love somebody you can have a lot of love for somebody you don't have to like them you know and you were in it and relationships platonic especially go through waves of where you know

you don't like them and like in anything that do. Or like things about them. I think that when we think of confrontation, we think it has to be aggressive. But I could look at Nick and be like, I really like our friendship, but you hurt my feelings. You really hurt my feelings when you said that. When you made that joke in front of people, you know I don't like talking about that. You made that joke and I didn't like it. And I want to keep being friends with you, but not if you're going to be like that. That's a confrontation. It's not like, oh, the fuck. The fact that you didn't confront her was selfish. She was selfish, but you were selfish.

You didn't give her the benefit of the doubt of somebody that's your best friend. Mind you, it sounds like the only things that you guys had in common anymore was knowing each other well enough that when she answers the phone, she knows what you mean or she gets you. She's been around enough to understand the backstory. You don't have to explain it again. So you guys need to spend more

time together. But at the end of the day, you know that she wants a partner. You know that she wants a boyfriend. You know that she wants to be in a relationship. And her best friend lives somewhere with a guy who's obsessed with her, meaning she's losing you and she's not being able to relate to you anymore. Of course, she's not being able to relate to you anymore. Of course she's going to try to see somebody, especially if they live in your town. She would be closer to you and you didn't put that into consideration. And it's not fair that you guys

don't let each other hash it out. You should have gotten out of that car with your boyfriend and been like, what the fuck is the deal? Are you here for this guy? And if she said both, that's okay too. Yeah. But it's to assume you've already made her this bad guy and you haven't talked about it. So you keep getting madder and madder and madder and madder and you keep replaying it and the things you should have done and things she said and what she maybe has told other people

about you and how she hasn't called you. and you keep doing this over and over and over you're making up a movie in your mind that probably isn't what even happened you've just done it it's been it's been nine to ten months and you know what if you guys have outgrown each other to the point where you just you don't have anything in common anymore uh other than your past she doesn't have to be your best friend. I have many friends of mine that we used to be like together and we're not that close anymore, but I see them and it's like no time has passed. You don't have to keep being friends with her. Maybe you have outgrown each other, but creating a narrative in your head to almost justify not wanting to

be friends with someone and then we cast judgments about them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You know, it's a little unfair. It's too easy. Yeah, to her. It's too easy. Yeah. And so you were both kind of, she was projecting onto you,

wasn't fair for her to call your boyfriend a pushover just because she was probably envious of the thoughtfulness and consideration she's put into it. She's literally trying to figure out how to get just an ounce of attention from some guy. Meanwhile, she's watching your boyfriend just shower you with attention. She's envious of that. And sometimes when we're envious, we project and we will say things that come and come across as hurtful. So it sounds like on our end that we have two people not

communicating, not putting themselves out there, deciding why the other person's doing and saying and feeling how they're feeling. So you have to decide how much, if at all, do I want to be friends with this person? And if you decide you want to be friends, you reach out and you humble yourself to own up to what role you've played and why you haven't spoken with each other and how you could have handled that week and better. And then you give her the opportunity to do the same. And you don't have to,

you don't expect her to immediately answer. You might have to give her a couple days to process that. And then if she values this friendship as much as you do, she'll come around. And if not, maybe she's just, you know what, these nine months have told me, I just need to bring around people who don't make me feel less than whether you did something or not, you know, because like no one wants to feel that way. Like, you know, all of a sudden we get into our late twenties, early thirties, our friends settle down and get married, have kids. And it's like, just by like, maybe they're

not even doing anything, but we feel less than because everyone else around us has what we want. And maybe that's our own insecurities, but like, sometimes we just have to put ourselves in good situations because maybe we're not strong enough to say, I could be a good fifth wheel today. And like, Hey, I wish I was stronger, but like, you know, a good friends help friends who they bring them up. I don't know if you did an amazing job of bringing her up when she probably needed you as much as you appreciated having her there to make you feel good about

the bad year you had. Still, shoot your shot. What a fantastic opportunity to learn how to be a better friend. Truly. Even if you guys never talk about it again. How are things going with the guy? Really good. Great. Congratulations. You know what?

I love that he's whipped. If somebody would have told me he's whipped, I'd have been like, damn fucking right. Yeah, well, that's clearly just a projection. That's what I would have said. All right.

Well, hopefully that was helpful. Yeah, no, honestly, thank you guys so much. Pound it, Nicholas. Thank you for telling me I was shitty.

You're not shitty, but we all have. I love you enough to tell you that you're shitty. We've all been shitty. No, I appreciate it. I appreciate it. It is so easy to get selfish in friendships. Yay.

How's it going? Hi, my name's Alex and I'm 28 years old. How can I help, Alex? How can we help? Yeah, include me, dude. Okay. So I guess the problem I'm having is not letting the second date go all the way to sleeping with the person. And I've had these two experiences, kind of three, that basically happen the exact same way. So it feels like a

bit of a pattern. So, yeah. So you're going on multiple second dates with the opportunity to hook up with someone and you... Yeah, I want to make sure I'm understanding. Can you take me through it? Can you take me through it? Second date. You know you like them

or enough to go on a second date, right? Yeah, I like them enough to go on a second date. Take me through it. Where do you guys go? Take me through it okay close my eyes i'm there what does it smell like i'm here okay uh this last one we went to a movie and then it was kind of late so it ended at like 10 30 and it was like okay um i'm down to hang out with you longer um so we? Let's get a drink. Yeah, we both did. Okay, great. Yeah. Oh, we did. I guess it was kind of late.

So we didn't go get a drink. Okay. So we went to his place. Uh-huh. Which, yeah, maybe that's just the problem. So after the movie, you're kind of, you're vibing and, you know, movies aren't necessarily the best dates because you don't really get to talk.

But you see what they find funny. You see, like, if they cry or how they feel, how they react to things. Or, like, if somebody says something and they're like, that's so stupid. You're like, okay. Sure, yeah, you can pull the positive. But I think often, and let me know what you think, Alex,

but, like, especially on a second date, you're learning about someone. You kind of, like, yeah, you hope you enjoy the movie, but there's, you almost, you went through a whole date being like, I don't know if I really advanced anything yet, all that much. And so you guys are like, oh, do you want to hang out more? And then he was like, we can go back to my place.

So you feel that pressure to sleep with him, you feel? You think he's like, oh, is he going to try to sleep with me? No. So at this point, I'm fine. And we're just like hanging out at his place, having like tea or something, talking, put something on TV. And I'm like, I would like to, you know, kiss him or have some, you know, break that barrier just to like see what that would be like at this point I guess so I'm like open to that um but then and this has kind of been like the third time it's felt like this the guy just gets like really like starts moving physically very quickly not just like taking steps but like everything like just excited i guess so like you're having tea you're watching like you know

late night you know like jimmy kimmel and then you look over and he's naked or something you think that he's you think that he's just trying to go he it's like a little too obvious that he wants to have sex. Okay. But let me ask you, wait. So you're saying that- This is a pattern with men. This is a pattern with men? Like you feel like you're not ready to have sex,

but they are? We'll be like kissing. And I also like have said in both, in all of them that I don't want to have sex. And then I want to go slow. And they don't listen and they blow by. They, they hear it and they're like,

okay, yeah, that's fine. But then they don't like, if I was a guy and I visibly was turned on and someone said that to me, I would think, or even like as a woman, if someone was like,

I'm not trying to move any faster, I would like try to change the situation maybe like sit back and like yeah talk for a second how old are these guys yeah so um this last one was 32 so i guess i thought i don't know it just sounds like these guys are dicks to be honest like i just just feel like you stated a boundary. I was going to ask that. I was like, did you say you didn't want to have sex? And you said like, yeah, you know, I want to take things slow.

Don't go to their houses anymore. I know that you are somebody that can be trusted, but it doesn't mean that the other person can be trusted. And unfortunately, we live in a world where like, you can't risk that. You start making out, you're on their couch, hot and heavy. They're trying to, not to get all juvenile, round the bases faster than you. Yeah. I'll take off my shirt or something while you're just on the couch. At what point are you starting to feel uncomfortable and you're feeling like

they want more? And at any point, have you just been like, hey, let's slow down or things like that? And then they not listen or... Yeah, so I think I start to feel uncomfortable when I can tell he's a boner and it's very apparent and he's really it's like very apparent and like he's really that was not your problem i was i know but it's hard to feel like it's not i know the biggest lie i i think that's ever been told in like sex and i know people will disagree with me and blue balls is a myth

i don't care what like it's it's i think it's absolutely bullshit I'm sure some person out there even like you know like okay even if like go men have no problem masturbating they can go home they can jerk off you know what I'm saying the time where you say the night's over I'm gonna go home and you leave literally by the time you get out of the elevator they'll have their laptop open and a tissue and their lotion ready to go. So it's not your problem. It's beyond that, though.

It's beyond that. Alex, why are you making their discomfort about your boundaries your problem? Worst case, you're thinking two in the moment and you're thinking, if I don't do this, this guy won't like me. Or am I a tease? I came over. What else am I supposed to do? Think about the next day. Worst case scenario, you don't touch them. You get up, you go, I'm sorry, like I want to take it slow, and you leave. Worst case scenario, a guy that didn't hear you and respect your boundaries doesn't call you. Oh no. And then

if you do think in the moment, you feel uncomfortable, and then you're going to go home and you're going to spiral. Should I have done that? Was that wrong? And you know why you're spiraling? Because it wasn't what you wanted to do. And at the end of the day, when you're dating, especially in the beginning, be as selfish as fucking possible. And this guy would have no problem telling you, I don't want to do anything tonight. And if you were to go do anything with him, he'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So why should you have a problem with that? You're thinking too much about like, will he like me or not? But if you want him to really like you, you have to do what you would want to do and what you want to do, or else that's not you. You're not representing yourself

and what you want. And the real you wants to take it slow. And somebody that will like you will like you for that too. I think we as in this dating space, we just really have to communicate more and more so that at the risk of discomfort through communication because talking about sex and dating early on can be weird and uncomfortable. What do you like? What do you not like?

Absolutely, Taffy nailed it. Their feelings about getting some or their boner or so not your problem. And that will never get a guy to like you by giving them what they want when it comes to hooking up. I honestly think it's quite the opposite of anything. So I don't think you ever have to worry about... It's just not your problem. You don't have to worry. Period. It's not your problem either way. But just i think we want to be we want to be communicating you know we don't want you to feel like you did something you didn't want to do

and i don't think the guys you know hopefully we want we want these guys to say okay things got like i'm turned on by you started making out nope we i we stopped because like we always hear these situations like even if you said i want to hook up tonight let's say you were like he's like coming I'm making out. Nope. We, I, we stopped because like, we always hear these situations. Like, even if you said, I want to hook up tonight, let's say you were like, he's like coming around and you're like, I don't want to have sex. And then you got up there and then you changed your mind. You have the right to change your mind at any point, midstream, like, and you should say that. Right. And you should express that. And men need to say, okay. And it's so doesn't matter at any point when you say that, regardless of they're like mid, whatever the fuck,

you know? And, and then we have to communicate so that, you know, and if, even if it's an awkward situation or he's just, and, and,

and if guys start, you know, making like the guilt trip or, well, you're really going to do this to me. Like, fuck them, you know,

like, you know what I'm saying? Like, uh like because they truly can take care of it themselves and blue like it's not your

it's not your concern it's just nothing's going to happen to them no dicks have ceased to work as a result of like not climaxing in the moment you know what I'm saying it is

it's it is such a bullshit I don't know like I don't know where this ever came from it's you know where it came from. It came from men.

But you know, like I just feel like you're... But I remember being taught this and like in public school. It's going to hurt. And my whole life, I was always like wondering like if blue ball like...

No. No? Good. I love that you're all in blue. Thanks. Amazing. I just want you to know your discomfort matters more than their expectation. Like your discomfort matters. No, good. I love that you're all in blue. Yeah, thanks. Amazing. It's just such a myth. Your discomfort matters more than their expectation.

Like your discomfort matters. And if you are to date this person, you're a person in this relationship. And I feel like a lot of the times we want to be the girl that they like, but you're forgetting that they have to be someone that you like too. What are they doing to make you comfortable? What are they doing to keep you liking them?

And it's all about like, I want to be chosen. I want to be chosen. I want to be with a partner. I'm sure you have a lot of love to give, but what the, what the frick are they doing for you? And I just feel like taking that and you're not considering yourself being present in this. And it's too much about like, I really want, I hope he likes me. What do you like about him? He said, you're not. Yeah. It's not. I honestly, at that point, I know I don't likes me. What do you like about him? He, it's not, yeah, it's not. I honestly, at that point, I know I don't like him. Oh baby.

Then don't even look at their little shrimp cocktail. So why? Yeah. Then why? I guess because I'm just, I don't, I don't want to be a tease. I don't know.

I don't want to be like, stop. Like I'm leaving right now. Bye. Well, you don't have to be abrupt. Or you Like, I'm leaving right now. Bye. Well, you don't have to be abrupt. Or you feel like it would be abrupt. You can if you want.

But if you want to be polite about it, you can be like, there's something that I used to do that'd be like, well, these firsts are going to happen one time. So let's slow down. And I would like, I'd make it about like an R benefit, not just about me because I didn't. And I'm a woman in someone's house and I want to leave at one point, you know? Like alive. And I would get nervous in my mind sometimes, especially when I first moved to New York. So I would say like, you know what?

We're only going to be able to do these things one time. Let's slow down. And I have an early morning or whatever. You don't have to be so like, yo, what the fuck? You know? I've stopped mid-makeout when i just wasn't feeling it and just and it's awkward sometimes but you're just like no you got it okay you see what i mean how

men don't give a fuck if you like men don't care if they do it it's just like you're doing your head you're doing your head yeah i don't have like i haven't practiced doing that so i guess i just have to okay listen okay with yeah keep to be okay with yeah keep going be okay with it not going along with like the flow of whatever's happening I know that liking people like as we get older it's

more and more rare to like have these connections with people like when you like somebody like oh my god I finally like somebody because you meet so many people that you don't so I know that when you do have a connection with somebody even if it it's a minimal spark, you want to keep it. But the cost of that can be like yourself and like your morals and your values. What I mean by that is like not like necessarily like staying a virgin till marriage, but like your comfort. And like it affects your confidence. It affects the way you see yourself sometimes. Even those

like minimal things are like, that's so not me. Or like, I compare it to when you're like text fighting with somebody and or like a boy or confronting them and your friend says something to say and you say it and then it doesn't go well. You're like, that wasn't even me. Like we're fighting about something I wouldn't even have said, you know? Also, like, would you feel comfortable?

You're like, you know, I know you went to a movie I don't know particularly that you what movie? Spider-Man that's a good one but would you let's say you didn't go to a movie

and like you're having a drink or something uh huh would you feel comfortable just having a conversation like this with your date and say let's say he's like

hey do you want to come to my place and you say yeah I'd like to and honestly you know I just want to make sure I feel comfortable. And you're like, almost say like if we make out and things get hot and heavy, I might stop at the makeout. We need as a dating society and hookup culture, start figuring out ways to avoid this kind of very gray area that kind of comes up you know i think my guess is when people listen to this will be this will be a very common

feeling that women often are feeling in dating situations yeah and i think i i could do that and that sounds like a good i guess i haven't ever gotten like that specific just i guess i haven't ever gotten that specific. I guess I didn't think I had to, but clearly I think I should. Get awkward. Get awkward. Tevye said early on too is, again, you should be allowed. It should be okay.

Men should be good enough that you can go to their places and not feel pressure to do anything. Men should be good enough. However, you make just dating simpler for yourself to avoid confusing environments. And so I'm only saying that, I'm not saying, oh, don't, I'm in no way am I saying don't go to a guy's house because you're giving him false expectations. But if you're not comfortable with yourself, you know yourself and you're calling in and saying, I don't know what it is when I get in these situations, I feel this pressure. I'm not entirely sure where it's coming from, et cetera, et cetera. So until you can feel comfortable

with setting those boundaries and enforcing them, then you would be doing yourself a favor, but just by avoiding those situations until you feel like you can and maybe practice doing it like in at a bar where like until you can talk about it until you can say ah this is too much for me i'm not feeling comfortable and literally maybe practice to to teffy's point you know like you gotta practice you go on dates you just kind of practice saying what you're not comfortable with with guys you're dating and see how they respond to it. And if they push back, then practice responding to them pushing back. And again, in a situation where the physicality is not even an option.

Yeah. In any situation, talking about what you don't like, as American people, we're so heavy into talking and making other people feel comfortable all the time and marketing ourselves all the time, that talking about anything that you don't like or don't want to do is awkward. You know what I mean? But at the end of the day, if you simplify dating to the molecule, it's about having a good time. That's it. That's what it is. It's about having a good time. And if you're not having a good time, you're not doing it right. Yes, love is hard work. Absolutely. It's a choice. You have to choose each other all the time, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, because you're having a good time and you like one another, you know?

At the molecule of it. Am I wrong? Oh, totally. Well, you know, when we have feeling- Oh, totally wrong? No. Oh, I'm sorry. You're totally right. Thanks. But yeah, I think what you're saying is to your point is like when we're feeling emotions, whether it's physical or emotional we we lose it's kind of like being drunk you know we lose our inhibitions we lose our judgment kind of whatever it is we get emotional

we get worked up you know and so it's why it's why people who are not invested give better advice than people who are invested when we're not projecting our own bullshit, we can give more sound advice to people than people who are, et cetera, et cetera. So just, I guess the biggest takeaway is help yourself get better at, first of all, setting boundaries and then work on how do you enforce those boundaries. And just, as we always talk about on this show, like simplify things for yourself. Don't play the big game unless you've had the practice, so to speak. And so, you know, that will help you practice and hook up culture. And we're having more and more casual sex and that's fine. But the more casual sex we have, the less we know about each other, the less we know

about like what makes us nervous. Maybe the attachment styles we have, the trauma we've experienced as younger people, our ability to communicate it, you know, like introvert, extrovert, all these variables we know nothing about. And yet we're just going for it. Yeah. And that can get very complicated for both parties. And we just need to help each other avoid confusion. Like you're worth getting to know before you do that.

You're worth a third date. You know what I mean? Like you just got to, you got to, I know that advocating for yourself, and it is advocating at the end of the day. And I know that you don't want to make it weird or serious or whatever. But sex does complicate shit. And like what he said about the attachment styles and this and that, sex complicates that and like advances that super fast, you know? Yeah. Sex complicates that and advances that super fast.

And if you're, listen, I have figured out late in my life that I'm a traditional girl. I thought I was a rock star. Titties out on the convertible. I'm not. I really, I have figured that out for myself and it took me too long. And I thought I could do casual sex and all that stuff. I can't.

And that's me. And if you don't like me, then I'm sure there's somebody out there that likes what you like. But for you, you like going slow. And there's nothing wrong with that. You're not a prude. You're not a tease.

You're just some, you wanted, you were in a movie and you wanted to make up for that time you didn't talk. So you thought you guys were going to talk and hang out and maybe have a cool kiss. That's dope. That doesn't mean that you're like, oh, you know what I mean? And I really think that like, you got to talk to yourself in

the mirror a little bit and be like, if he does some weird shit, what are we going to say? We're going to say, whoa there, let's put on Jimmy Fallon or what's your favorite movie? You know, like those things like, whoa, I just wanted to talk. And if he gets weird, you get even fucking weirder. You leave. That's it. Yeah. That's it.

A line that I've used that's worked really well is just being like, is this what taking it slow looks like to you? Because it's still a little bit playful. It doesn't kill the mood,

but it's also like kind of a way of bringing attention to the fact that you agreed to take things slow. They said they were cool with that and that's not happening. Yeah. That's a great line.

You know, you can put them on the spot a little bit. You know, and they can be like, you know, you're right. And hopefully, if they're one of the good ones, they'll feel a little ashamed and embarrassed

and maybe acknowledge they got excited or that they maybe misread one of your signals. But it doesn't have to like, you're right. Let's wait. Let's pause.

You know, you can do those things. And I will say, just to close, when you get better at setting these expectations and enforcing these boundaries, at some point when you do it, it'll feel really good. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a great feeling to be like. That's rock and roll. Yeah. Yeah.

Or tell them, Mick Viall said, you're a dick feeling to be like. That's rock and roll. Yeah. Yeah. Or tell him Nick Vile said you're a dick. I think that'll work. This is a dick move Nick Vile told me. All right. Well, hopefully that was helpful. Yeah, that was helpful. Thank you. Best of luck out there.

Thanks. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. It's such a tough topic too. We're so concerned with the idea of pleasure

for the other person that we forget our displeasure with what is going on. Well, we appreciate you coming. We'll have to have you back for an ass nick. Oh yeah. Have you seen, what's that movie with Ryan Reynolds where he's a superhero? Deadpool.

Have you seen the kid with the pen? Reynolds where he's a superhero? Deadpool. Have you seen the kid with the pen? He's like, this is the ass pen. Anyway, thank you guys. Thanks for coming. Don't forget to send

your questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K. There was one other thing I was going to say. Valentine's Day. Oh, Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day questions.

Follow. Follow. Follow Teffy. Hello, Teffy. Yeah. Follow. Hello, Teffy. And if you are listening for the first time

and are asking because of Teffy, we have hundreds of these episodes. Hundreds? Mm-hmm. That you can go back and listen to. Subscribe. Thanks for coming. Is this your favorite one you think

yeah no well I'm sorry this particular one do you want some time to think about it the Ask Nick the Ask Nick format

that we do is Nick is like can I have a day and he's like yes of course yes of course can I have a day

to think about it well I'm safe goodbye guys and I'll let you know if I get home safe you're very good alright

thanks for coming alright peace out adios bye