The Viall Files - E375 Ask Nick - You Didn’t Pull Out

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

Today, on another episode of Viall Files, Ask Nick Edition, we dive into the world of situationships and answer your burning questions about relationships and the dating world. In this episode we are joined by our first caller whose one night stand turns into a nightmare after having an ectopic pregnancy. When she tries to get support from the man she hooked up with, she realizes he’s a nice guy that is all talk, no action. Our next caller deals with the aftermath of a breakup from a toxic relationship and struggling in her current new relationship. She asks for advice on how to learn to give someone up, and not feel like you have to date them even if you’re not a good match even if they aren’t a bad person. Our last caller talks about how she’s caught her boyfriend cheating through the phone and talking to escorts for his next business trip out of town. She asks for advice on what to do in the situation and if there’s any way to save what they have together.  “You already got his best effort and it wasn’t really good.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rothy’s: New customers get $20 off your first purchase at http://www.Rothys.com/VIALL Noom: Sign up for your trial at http://www.Noom.com/VIALL Marley Spoon: Go to http://www.MarleySpoon.com and use promo code VIALL to get $120 off your first five boxes. ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting ask nick edition of the vile files did i get it right is that what we're doing? I think so. I feel like we change it every time. No, I think that's the new... Yeah, yes, definitely. I've done 15 different versions probably of that,

but I think we're going to go with the Ask Nick edition of The Vile Files. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. How are you? Every time you say something weird about my name, Nick, you either hesitate, you say it with a rhythm that makes it sound like it's a foreign concept to you. And I think I really enjoy it. Because you notice every time. It's attention to detail like that. There you go. Well, we have a great episode, first and foremost. We actually do have an update from one of our callers, the park bench gal. For those of you who listen, the guy she met when she was like 15 and every year they'd meet up and have this little rom-com moment on a park bench, have a hot makeout, and we told her to shoot her shot.

So we have an update. But before we do, Amanda, you have an update on the wedding? Yes. It was, first of all, such a fun wedding. Very, very, very fun wedding. So because New Girl is in the bridal party, like we drive, we drive to Sacramento early in the morning and then like go to the rehearsal dinner. And so I'm like the only one at the rehearsal dinner

who does not have like an intimate relationship with a bride and groom. It was in Sacramento. Yeah, it was in Sacramento. Which, okay, I'll be honest. I didn't have positive associations with Sacramento. I just sort of thought of it as the undeserving capital of California. Cutie town.

Cutie little town. Okay. People of Sacramento. Claire's from Sacramento. Oh. I believe. Sacramento's finest. Yeah.

But yeah, it was like, so like kind of an intense situation in the sense of like meeting all these people like they're with their closest friends and then me, but everyone was so welcoming and kind. Like the bride and groom are like so awesome. Like bride was funniest person ever. And so it was just like a very good setting.

Like, you know, like I feel like when you, when everyone's friends are very kind to you, I think it speaks like, and reflects very highly on them. So the wedding was nice, but what's the update on the relationship? Okay, so we've since acknowledged it and I just like to make fun of her for it. But she was really awkward about how to introduce me.

I can see why. We talked about this before you left when I say she's awkward I that's me being harsh like no she's just like there was a few there was one time where she was sort of like the first time she said friend and we both knew that was wrong okay and then there's one time she was just like this is Amanda and then and then finally I think settled on plus one date but now I do a bit where I'm like, this is my neighbor. I think of various things that she can call me. That's not a romantic engagement.

But I think we had a really good conversation on the car ride up, just talking about where we're both at and the reason that it's not in a place of exclusive labeled relationship. I think for both of us, it has to do with like personal stuff we want to do. Like, I don't know for me, I think if I'm in a relationship with someone, it means being all in,

in a way that like, you really have to have your stuff figured out. And I think I'm in the, I think I've made leaps and bounds in figuring out my stuff, but. Do you have to in general? No, not.

Yeah. I see how you took that. I don't mean do you, I in general? No, not, yeah, I see how you took that. I don't mean do you, I mean, do people, do people have to have, I don't know, I guess I just don't agree with people have to, you know what? I think in some ways, yes, but I also think it's a fuck boy line, if I'm being honest. I'm not calling you a fuck boy, but I do think I need to figure out my shit is 100% a fuck boy line that people, men and women who are fuck boys use at their convenience. So I'm not all rectangles are spares. I agree that it can be a

fuck boy line. I'm not saying, I'm not saying if you say that you're a fuck boy, I'm just saying it can be. And so my question to you is how do each of you know, if you know, it's your, your, it sounds so vague. It's like one, it sounds like in many of, in many people are like this and many, we've all done this. You have this, what seems like this mature conversation about where we are and you'll talk for like, I don't know, 20 minutes about it. Like a nice meaty conversation only to like end the conversation, feel good in the moment and then like talk to a friend about your conversation and be like, so what does any of that mean? You're like, well, I'm not really sure.'s changed. Nothing. Other than you haven't defined it, but like, what are the do's, what can you do? And what can't you do as it relates to this relationship? Because you even said introducing you as your friend

is not right. And like, why not? Why not? If you, it's such a gray area. I hear that. And I think with that, the reason that that was the one that I was most like, hey, was because I think it felt like... And she wasn't doing this at all. She definitely didn't mean to do this. But I think that gives me closeting vibes of like... Do you know what I mean? And I think I would feel differently if it were a dude who did that versus a woman. I get that. I get the wrinkle there. But. It was really sweet. Someone at the wedding who was trying to be nice, like who was being incredibly kind and welcoming was like, I was like, oh, I'm also a plus one of the bridal party. She's like, oh, who's your husband? And I was like, oh God. It's like, I'm not here with

a husband. I'm here with a girl that I'm hooking up with. I think what I really like, but I have no defined commitment to. But okay. So my answer to that is that I think the I really like, but I have no defined commitment to. Um, but okay. So my, my answer to that is that I think the value in it, even if it is still, um, not, I don't think it's fair to say it's undefined because I think there's only one definition that meet, like, it's not like there, we have one definition definition one option and it's like relationship and I think it's so I don't think it's undefined in the sense of it's like oh we have no idea what it is I just think it's not that but I find it's not a relationship I think it's defined as like I think like words that like we've both used are like investment priority and care. So it's like, there's the makings of

things that are definitely like not fleeting moments or like not like fleeting feelings. And so I think, and we did have it. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you one more question. This is fun. Who's running the risk of getting a little bit more hurt? That's a good question. I think it's, I think it's switched. I think at the beginning, I was probably the one who was more, who thought like the timeline for commitment was like going to be a little bit like faster, like not necessarily like, I want to lock this down and you're not like, and like, this is a source of tension. But I think like I had, I was probably like more hopeful about the speed that it was going to move. And then I think since

then it's just like kind of switched just because as I like, when I came back for like from Christmas, I just like ended up doing a lot of like work on like kind of trying to get myself going the way I want to be going. And so I don't know. don't know. I'll ask her and see what she says. I think at this stage, whoever ended it, the other person would probably feel like that. Like, I think it's pretty equal right now. Although she, okay,

she has said there have been a few times where she's thought I've been disinterested. And I'm like, what? No. So. Well, I mean, there's as much confusion as there is clarity in this particular relationship and so i think there is because i think we recently had a call where we like really like went through like because i was like because i still like i've been very much operating as like

this is like something like precious like just because it's not like getting labeled or precious without precious without very clear boundaries is uh well that's what i'm saying though we were talking boundaries like in terms of being like okay we've both established that like this is not an exclusive situation but like how do we want to communicate surrounding that because like i wouldn't personally want to do anything that would jeopardize this. Like I want to kind of craft like any other dates, hookups, whatever they are around like the excess from like this is. And so we had like a, like kind of, it's like, I don't know. I think it's like people think of it as really uncomfortable, but I think it's just like confrontational being like, okay, like,

do we want to talk about it? Like, and ironically two queer women settled on a don't ask don't tell policy where it's like you like we're not going to tell the other person if they don't ask but if they do ask we do tell okay ally has her big 2020 debut uh was last friday ally uh go go support ally and watch 2020 if you want to see Ally in her actorial performance. You want to see my hair in the craziest bob you've ever seen. It's a reenactment of her murder. Well, the case hasn't been solved, which is the crazy thing. So our hope in kind of doing this is to bring light back on the case because it happened in 95.

You know what would make a really good tv show is an actress who is in a reenactment and then becomes obsessed with the case and solves it herself i got this i had this like weird fear that whoever you know was obsessed with jody and went after jody would watch this documentary and be like oh my god she looks just like her and be like immaculate recreation of jody no just like come find me in la and stalk me don't don't get murdered ellie i'm gonna try not to all right we have a quick update uh from our what does she call herself park bench park bench girl anyway it's a sad update it's a sad update. She wrote in. You can tell she loves, even her response, you can tell she loves the romance, the story of it all.

She's romantic. She writes, this is the way the story ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. I texted him to set up a time to meet and he didn't reply. I double text because it was odd not to hear from him. And then he didn't reply to that either. It's comedic. No answer is a ton of information and it's enough for me to understand that it isn't it. I'm embarrassed it took me so long to see past the fantasy and that the ending of this story is a literal ghost of 10 Christmas past. So poetic. Moving forward,

he'll serve as a blueprint for how I want to feel around someone in the future. And a reminder not to get deceived by rose colored glasses. The skeptics win this battle, but hopefully romance will one day win the war. Until then, I'll continue to say la vie in rose. Oh my God. She should be on Sex and the City. That's maybe her problem. I think she's being too hard on herself though, because there

is something very romanticized about having someone at home, having someone safe, someone, you know, you building that rapport. Like that's always kind of the dream, right? To like have someone special at home that you kind of like can, it brings you back to like nostalgic times. Yeah. I don't know. And it's been going on for 10 Christmases. Yeah, it was never, it was most likely, I mean, if you had, if you had me guess a percentage after she called,

I would have been like 5%, this is going to be your guy or some low number. I can tell you, he's got a girlfriend. Yeah. Right? And it's just like too awkward

to try to like explain because they met once a year, this one thing thing and he probably didn't romanticize it as much as she did and he met someone and now i'm fearful what i'm fearful of is by next christmas he'll be single again and he'll reach out to her and if she's still single she'll get right back into that kind of unproductive cycle. Maybe she won't, though. Maybe she'll have moved on.

I hope not. I hope if she's listening, she will just... But I don't know. I think this concept of regret is interesting because, of course, there's disappointment in the moment. But I think if something brought you... I think if you felt a sense of romance and joy and whimsy about this thing for so much time, just because it never actualized

into the thing that might've been giving you that hope doesn't take away all the joy it gave you over that time. It might create a lot of disappointment. I agree with all that, but it's like any relationship that ends, right? It's always great to hold on to those good moments. And sometimes when we are heartbroken, we don't want to do that. We don't want to romanticize because we need to get over it. So we need to focus on the negative. But hopefully with all our past relationships, we can hold on to some cherished and nice memories of the person we once loved because that's part of our life and who we are and all those things. There's a time and a place for it. Oh, thanks thanks for this particular gentleman. I don't, I think she, she might need to find some new love before she should feel safe enough

romanticizing about it again for fear that if he's available again, he will reach out because that's, that's the logical explanation is he's not currently available. Well, we have a great episode for you. I guess let's get into it. Oh, don't forget to send in your questions at asknickacastme.com, cast with a K.

Be sure to check out our Wednesday's episodes, especially you Ask Nick fans out there who love people's stories calling in, mediation, couples calling in, talking about their fights, problems they're having. And our Wednesday's episodes, always calling in mediation couples calling in talking about their fights problems they're having uh and uh and our wednesdays episodes we're doing a little bit more kind of topical events some more pop culture discussions with our guests so be sure to check that out uh don't forget to rate us five stars on spotify and itunes it's super easy we love the uh validation until uh i think is that it until i was about to say until next time, but keep listening. Watch Ally on 2020.

Watch Ally on 2020. It's on Hulu. How's it going? My name is Melissa. I'm 28 years old. Hi, Melissa. How can I help? Okay, so I have a little situation that has happened to me. Basically, I went to a Halloween party. It was my friend's Halloween party and I met her brother's friend at this party. We hit it off. Things were good.

And I ended up going home with him. Who's brother's friend? My friend's brother's friend. Your friend's brother's friend. Okay. Yeah. All right. You met friend's brother's friend.

You went home with him. And then, and then what happened? I went home with him. Um, and so I went home with him. He was really like, he was all over me. He was really cuddly, very sweet. I would say love-bombing kind of thing.

What do you mean? Love-bombing as in he would hold me tight right before stuff was going to happen. He would kiss me, say how beautiful I am and all these words. We've only known each other at this point he said he loved you no he'd be very lovey towards me oh my

god no okay let's just be careful that's that's definitely not love bombing it's just a guy getting excited and showing affection but okay okay which is it's okay for a guy to do. It is. It is okay for a guy to do. I just think sometimes we can just like get excited. Yeah, totally. And think it's something else. I'm not sure it's love bombing though.

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also what I love about Noom is it allows me still to enjoy the things I like to enjoy because, you know, again, it's about a pattern, you know, you have your call it a cheat day, whatever. I don't, now that I made French toast Saturday morning. Is that helping me feel better and looking great? Not really. But I was able to kind of figure out how to do that, how to fit that in while still meeting my overall goals of wellness. Start building better habits today. Sign up for your trial at noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's N-O-O-M dot com slash V-I-A-L-L to sign up for your trial today. V-I-A-L-L. That's N-O-O-M dot com slash V-I-A-L to sign up for your trial today. So he was being very sweet. We had sex. And then after that in the morning,

he asked me to stay for the day and watch Friends. He's like, why don't we put pajamas on and watch friends all day? And I was like, okay, that sounds great. Um, he also lives at home by the way, but his parents were away. So his sister was home. I came out of his room. His sister was there. Long story short, we ended up watching movies with his sister all day. Um, so it's the three of us and as the day went on um he started being more distant he was like on his phone a lot and then he he brought up how he's been hurt in the past and started talking about his ex at this point they he was single for four months and he was saying how she really hurt him and he went on and on about his ex which made me feel a little bit uncomfortable yeah but i was like okay i guess it's time for me to go home he didn't want to drive me home he said i lived too far um but i know that i was like can you just take me home i don't want to go to an uber

dressed up as a school girl and he was like no i'll take you i'll take you home but whatever it's fine like he was being kind of distant about it so like you still had your halloween costume i did well he let me put on one of his shorts and one of his sweaters. He asked for it back. How old is this guy? He's 29, so a year older than me. Okay. So in the car driving me home, he was quiet the whole time.

And I asked why he was quiet. He's like, I just spent 24 hours with you. So he's driving me home the next day at 11 p.m. Oh, God. This guy sucks. Yeah. So I get home. I realize I don't want anything to do with this guy leave it at that and i felt like my ego felt a little shitty like i felt weird um but i was like i'll get over this so he called me two days later um be like hey i just got home

from work how are you and i was like being very like short because i just didn't want anything from this and i think he just kind of got the point from it five weeks later i've noticed my body being a little bit weird like something's off with me so i went to get blood work done. I went to the doctor. She was like, Oh, it's probably stress from work. I'm like, I think so too,

but let's check. Went to the doctor. It turns out that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. What's, what's that? So that is when you're pregnant outside of the uterus. So I, yeah. So you're pregnant outside of the uterus so i yeah so you're pregnant outside of the uterus

which is like dangerous and it can be like life-threatening because if it grows sure it's bad so you have to go to the hospital emergency room because they need to terminate it before it gets life-threatening. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's okay. So I went to the hospital. I got seen. They confirmed it was an ectopic pregnancy. They terminated the pregnancy.

So they put these like injections in order to terminate it. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Yeah, I can imagine. I did not expect any of this especially with a stranger um of course knowing consequences when you have sex but regardless i didn't expect it to be like this i went back and forth thinking should i tell him should i not tell him i told him the next day day I like texted him and I said I guess he didn't pull out and then he called me right away what a way to let a guy know honestly I think it's fine there's humor in it what are you supposed to it's a

tough situation you what do you know you don't like you're going through a lot you try to I don't know I think it's kind of funny so anyway so he calls you he called you right away he did um he called me right away but I didn't answer because the doctors were seeing me so I told him I would call him back through the text I think he figured out what was going on so he was telling me I'm so sorry what can I do how can I be there for you this has never happened to me what's going on all of these things I called him like five hours later I told him cuz I was like hey like I want you to know exactly what happened and I explained what

an ectopic pregnancy is and what happens and then all this stuff and he was like amazing he's like I'm gonna be there for you um do you want me to come to the hospital right now what do you want me to bring for you what do you need all these things and I was like no my friends are here for me don't worry and he's, let me be here for you. He's like, I'm going to make it up to you. All these things. I'm going to think about something big. What was he making up to you?

Was he like him being a dick about wanting you to take an Uber? He said he'll make it up to me because I'm going through this topic pregnancy. So he said, I'll make it up to you. But I don't know what it... Yeah, it was just like, I mean, I'm only going on for your story. And I mean, yeah, you guys hooked up, you got pregnant.

That's not necessarily, that can happen. That's a risk people take. The only thing it sounds like he did wrong at this point was kind of be a dick towards the end of your 24 hours together, which, you know, he should want to make up for that for sure.

But I was curious if you thought he knew what he was saying or was this just, he just trying to say and do the right thing in the moment, in an awkward moment. He knew what he was saying. I assumed at least, but I'm also like pretty vulnerable at this point too. I mean, I'm guessing he was probably fairly vulnerable in that moment too.

He had some fear, you know, didn't know what he was going on, probably scared the shit out of him, you know? Yeah. No, valid. All right. So where are we? And then what happened? I told him like how I can't like drink for a month. He's like, we'll spend time together. He's like, I don't want to do this like over the phone like i do want to see you and talk about this together and i was like yeah like we'll

figure something out we can see each other and he's like okay i'm going to check up on you every day to make sure you're okay i was like okay so at that moment that was like good for me like that just felt nice to have um especially like i feel like it's two people that should go through the situation not just one um the next day i got discharged from the hospital and i texted him and told him and then he called me and i told him how like the pregnancies terminated and all this stuff and And he was like, okay. He was like on his way to a basketball game. He, I was like, yeah, it just sucks. Like, this is really hard for me right now.

Like emotionally and mentally. You said that to you? I said that to him. Okay. It's so hard for me. Can you imagine if this guy was just like, this is really hard for me. I just want you to know. I was like

dog please no no no he's like well i'm sure it's hard for you but i'll be there it's teamwork we're gonna be here be there for each other um it's not a one man's game like i'll be here for you okay and i was like okay thanks um i was like have fun at the game and then we I texted him I think that night saying something and that was the end of that and then he texted me twice following that phone conversation asking how I was and my hormones were like up and down and I fully told him like I just don't feel like good like I just mentally like this is really hard for me and all this stuff um he then he then used the teamwork card again like this is teamwork i'm here for you i'm gonna make it up to you he said it like a couple times that he would make it up to me

and i asked him what he meant by that yeah great question so i'm curious too like what do you what do you mean yeah and he's like well clearly i can't be going because i had to go do blood work as well to make sure that the pregnancy was terminated he's like i wish i was the one giving the blood work and i was like well it's clearly not he's like okay well um I'm gonna send something to your house can I get your address and I was like I gave him my address but I was like that's not the only thing I need I think I need emotional support from you like I need you kind of feeling these emotions because I feel alone in this and then I asked him has it hit you and then that's when I got ghosted ghosted you yeah and I didn't get anything sent to my place how long ago was this but this now was

two and a half weeks ago two weeks ago yeah I'm sorry sucks it's okay yeah it felt super shitty so then I blocked I waited a week for him to message me and reach out he didn't so then I blocked him on everything but this doesn't feel like your typical like situation where like oh this guy's being a dick I'm gonna block him it's a weird situation

it's unique right yeah you had a one night stand with a guy you didn't know. Before the pregnancy happened, I'm guessing it sounds like you had accepted that, okay, I spent a whole day with this guy. He was weirdly super affectionate, and then he got what he wanted,

and then maybe his hangover or whatever you know that's a problem it's a problem with like one night stands and hookups like yeah and no judgment about doing it but there's you know we have it's happening at night usually drugs or alcohol are involved you wake up you know nothing about this and then you up, and then you both kind of subconsciously recognize you're in this kind of awkward situation. So you want to – what's very clear about this guy is that he wants to try to be a good guy in the moment. So he wakes up, and he realizes he hooked up with this girl he doesn't know,

and he's like, let's hang out and spend the day together because I'm not an ass. I'm not like the rest of the guys. And then a few hours roll over and he's just like, I don't even know this person. And maybe you're both trying to not be... In an attempt for you to both feel like you didn't do something wrong because you hooked up with someone you didn't know,

you both probably made the mistake of like, you guys shouldn't have spent the whole day together. You know what I'm saying? You both should have been like, alright. Thanks for the great night. I'm going to go. I'd love to see you again. I hope you feel the same. Here's my number and then hope

that you guys both call. But like, no. You know what we should do? We absolutely should spend the entire day together because that will make us feel better about the fact that we had sex last night and we didn't know each other. Like, I think that's what we kind of,

we both, men and women, it's a common awkward thing to try to justify our choices. And so you guys did that. Now that doesn't justify him being a dick, but that helps explain why,'t justify him being a dick, but that helps explain why you have expectations. He's expectations.

He should have recognized that. And then all of a sudden he just decided to like, stop worrying about being the good guy and was the honest version of himself. I was like, you know what? I don't know you and like, take yourself home. Fine, I'll take yourself home. Fine. I'll take you home. And then you said something that made him feel judged and defensive about like, I've been a good guy to you. I hung out with you this morning. And he's just like, I hung out with you

24 hours. And it's just a dick, just a dick move. And then, and then the pregnancy thing happens, right? Yeah. Such a tricky situation because I told like, I mean, I can only try to empathize with how you felt. And I can certainly try to empathize with how he might've felt. But to me, the same thing happened twice. And that is something he wasn't expecting to happen, happened.

The hookup, you getting pregnant. So his initial reaction was, I want to try to be and sound like a good guy. and expecting to happen happened. The hookup, you getting pregnant. So his initial reaction was, I want to try to be and sound like a good guy. Right? So he said these things that didn't really make sense. I wanted to make it up to you and blah, blah, blah. And then I think after his adrenaline wore off,

things calmed down. Maybe he talked to a couple of buddies. Maybe he talked to a couple buddies maybe he talked to fuck maybe he talked to a sibling or a sister i don't know and someone's like all right well she's not pregnant anymore yeah i don't know like like what are you supposed to do bro and and i don't maybe didn't have i who, there's a million things that could have happened. Yeah. And then he was just like, yeah, I don't know. Like, she's not pregnant.

It's an awkward situation. I'm just going to cut my losses. And he did the very immature thing of ghosting you. So we know who he is, you know, someone who wants to try to be a good guy but deep down at best is just not there yet and kind of selfish and i'm not saying he's like a fucking terrible person but he's not he is not as good as he wants to believe he can be yeah those people make me nervous uncomfortable you know i'd rather just be like hey i'm off the

bat sometimes i'm a dick i try not to be but i'll never sweep you off your feet at least you know what you're getting you know up front expectations the roller coaster of like i just i want to believe i'm a you know like this guy guy, what you're describing is the type of guy who would go on the bachelor and if he was, and has a chance to be a fan favorite because he says just enough of things and doesn't get caught in a situation where he has to reveal his true character and then goes online. And then like year and a half later, like bachelor nation's like, this guy's a fucking asshole. You know, you know, that's, that's who you're describing. like, this guy's a fucking asshole.

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okay that's awesome work through that I don't think this guy is going to really do anything to make you feel better if that's your question well my question is I just want him to feel like what I felt through all of this I mean

refer to your therapist on this. My humble, non-expert opinion would be it's impossible to. He didn't get pregnant. He didn't have things injected into his body. Unfortunately, and hey, listen, if there was a way for men to feel some of the pain and that women are forced to, for the choice of procreating, like, you know, there's a world where I could sign up for that and be like, hey, if you want me to do this, you need to know what you're asking me to do. But it's a normal, I get why you feel that, but you also don't even, I get why you feel that, but you also don't even,

I think you would, that would require you to give him more of you. Yeah. More energy. I figured, you know, and I feel like there are other healthier ways for you to grieve and process this thing that would be less toxic because you're kind of describing revenge a little bit and i get it i totally get it like you know it's just natural to want someone to be like what

fuck you you did this you were sloppy you didn't pull out like or maybe you know i don't know if you guys and he did take accountability on the phone he was like yeah this is like mostly my fault and one thing i do remember him saying on the phone when i like yeah this is like mostly my fault and one thing i do remember him saying on the phone when i called when we first spoke um when i was in the hospital is he was like you probably think i'm a shitty person but i'm not i'm not a shitty person and he kept repeating that because he's definitely capable and he knows it of being a shitty person yeah he wants to think he's a good guy but he is not there yet it's literally what you're describing yeah no i like i can see that now but it still doesn't feel i don't feel

fulfilled just like ending ties like this about him like because does he not even care? That's how I feel. Yeah. He probably doesn't anymore. Yeah. He just 100% did not experience what you experienced. Yeah. No, for sure. Right? And so don't even give him that credit that he might have. And you wanting him to feel that, is this next to impossible?

Because he can't get it. Because I thought about explaining it to him. Maybe he would get it, but. Yeah. No, you got his, you got, you already got his best, best effort. It wasn't very good. And he's not your boyfriend. He's not even your ex barely know this guy. And you know, that's, that's the risk that we all have taken,

any one of us who have hooked up, you know, and unfortunately, like, you know, in your position, like the chances of getting pregnant and then sucks because it's such an emotional thing I can only imagine. And, yeah, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you better answers like you know like because i feel like some part of my answer is like i'm sorry just gonna have to deal with it or something which is not what i'm trying to say but no i know but you're saying that he's doing like what you said he did the same thing twice technically so he will probably do it again yeah

and then like what i mean the thing is i think we can both agree that all you really want is for him to feel some of your pain yeah you don't want a relationship with him you don't want to see right and while i while i empathize why you would feel that way we can both agree that still that's a toxic feeling that isn't gonna like help you heal yeah no that is toxic feeling so i would continue to work with your therapist on on processing this give yourself time and grace to get over it um and you know i i'm i'm optimistic that you will but yeah i know i will through time um yeah i just always i try i look back and i'm like it took two to tango for the situation yet one person's dealing with it like emotionally yeah. I apologize for men.

All the things he said to you was in a moment of panic. Yeah. He's a reactive guy. I can see that now. But I didn't at the time at all. It's okay. How would you? You didn't know him.

Yeah. How are you supposed to know that? You don't know him. Yeah. How are you supposed to know that? You don't know him. Yeah, but you are explaining to me things he said. And while I'm completely emotionally not involved and I wasn't there, I wasn't having the time of my life at a Halloween party. I wasn't dressed up as a school girl,

feeling all frisky going out and having a few drinks and like maybe wanting to kiss some guy. And then like I didn't want to justify it the next day you know you we all can get emotionally compromised in these situations and not see things clearly and that's why you guys call me it's a very complicated story yeah yeah but I'll overcome it so gotta look at it like that all right all right well best of luck well thank you i'm sorry you're going through this yeah no i appreciate it all right thanks all right take care all right

how's it going good how are you good what's your name sarah hi sarah how old are you? I'm 24. How can I help? Um, so I am, well, I guess I'm out of this relationship now. It's kind of confusing. Um, but so about like six months ago, I started this relationship after getting out of a relationship that I was in for five years. Um, and it's been kind of like a whirlwind, I guess. I don't really know how else to describe it. The new one. The new one. Okay. And why is it a whirlwind? And how long has this new relationship been going on for?

So we've known each other for six months, but actually together, three. Okay. And when you say whirlwind, is that a whirlwind or negative or you don't even know? I mean, it's, I would say it's confusing. I don't know how else to like describe it. Why don't you describe it to us and then we'll go from there. Yeah. So I think it just started too fast. I think it was very like, you know, we're gonna be together

forever and we're gonna get married and have kids and like all these things within the first like couple months. And like in the beginning of it all, like I was not looking for a relationship. I wanted to like be single and focus on myself. And then like he and like myself kind of like convinced like, maybe this will work out or like, maybe this is the one or like, maybe, I don't know, like maybe I should just give it a try. And like, he was very like adamant and consistent and like would come to my apartment and like bring me stuff and flowers and like all these things that I wanted, like in my last relationship that he was like showing me. And then like,

as soon as we started getting comfortable, it became like inconsistent and like, you know, hardly texts me during the day, hardly, you know, I don't know. I just didn't like feel the same way.

Okay, sure. And then what'd you do from there? Like what? So I like, whenever I would vocalize how I felt, it was always like a fight. Like it always like, so let's I'm him. What would you say? Like, how would you say it to me? So, I mean, like, I obviously didn't say it correctly all the time but I would just say like I need more like communication I want to feel like more valued

or important to you and then it would always be like I'm doing everything I can I'm like you know I'm working I'm doing this like that's not my problem that you feel like that kind of thing and when you said you didn't always handle it correctly, how do you think you might've handled it incorrectly? I grew up in like a household where like you're not really supposed to talk about how you feel. And so like talking about how you feel to me

is like super, super uncomfortable. And so I always, I'm not always, but like I'm getting better at it now where I feel like I come out like you're doing this wrong, you're doing this wrong, you're doing this wrong. And not it now where I feel like I come out like you're doing this wrong you're doing this wrong you're doing this wrong and not more like I feel like this this is how I feel yeah um so there were like times where I know like I probably were just like you're doing this wrong I don't like this instead of like talking about it in like a more positive and like understanding way he uh, and so then you,

you have a hard time communicating your feelings and then it sounds like he made you feel bad for communicating your feelings. Yeah. When he would respond, would he talk calmly or would he get hostile? So that's the thing. It's like, I never knew when he would get upset. Like there

were times where I would talk to him about something that bothered me. Like there was a time when we were out with his friends and, um, he was like very drunk and I was sitting next to like his coworker and he was sitting next to me and they were talking about like his co-workers like which ones were attractive and I was like sitting next to him while this was happening and he just like kept talking about like this girl's butt and like his front co-worker was like yeah her butt and I was just like sitting there and I was like what like what is happening and then I told him about it later in that night. And I thought he was going to like blow up and like, be like, I never said that. I didn't do that. But instead he was like really calm and collected and was like, I'm sorry. Like I didn't mean to do that. But then other times it'd be something where I didn't think he would blow up. And then he does. Like what? Give

me an example. Well, I guess like the last time that we talked, I texted him because he was just like acting different. And I was texting him saying like, you don't really communicate with me during the day. You don't really call me anymore, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he just like lost his mind, like just started like yelling at me and just like, I don't know, just like saying, you know, I shouldn't need reassurance all the time. I shouldn't, you know, feel, I don't know, just like saying, you know, I shouldn't need reassurance all the time. I shouldn't, you know, feel, I don't know. Yeah, no, that's helpful. Um, you, you wrote here that, uh, he has a lot of anger problems and I feel like he gaslights me and is a narcissist, but I'm not sure. Neither of us are doctors. Right. But just out just like I'll indulge your like why as a non-doctor um I'm just curious why you think he might be a narcissist and I only say because I'm not either

so we won't be able to determine whether he is or not regardless of what you say but I'm just curious why you said that well I think like I don't know how to describe it I just feel like he doesn't really care about how I feel and I feel like there's times where I'll like cry in front of him or I'll like show emotion and he just doesn't react like he just like stares at me and he's like you shouldn't cry or like you don't need to cry or like yeah i don't know if that makes him a narcissist it might make yeah it makes him maybe not good with his feelings or yeah he freezes or lacks empathy or maybe does have some anger problems and maybe has a lot of work to do on himself again yeah not a doctor but yeah i think we just need to be careful how we use

those words it's interesting the way like so my main question to you is before we kind of get in the weeds of this is yeah and thank you for calling by the way but why if if you can say i even if you're wrong right even if you're wrong that he technically he's not actually gaslighting you by the definition of gaslighting and technically he's not a narcissist but you recognize that you think he might have anger problems it makes you feel like whatever he's doing whether it's gaslighting or narcissism or not it doesn't feel right doesn't feel okay it doesn't feel like how you feel like you should be treated right why are like why why are you not just ending this and looking a different direction because like this is not a guy you've dated for six years you don't have a lot invested in this

guy i mean i get that i get that uh early on he did some things that your past accident do and that's nice but sounds like you know it sounded very short term what's your reasoning for wanting to see if if uh you can salvage this three-month relationship well i think for me it has a lot to do with like well i don't really like giving up on people like i feel like relationships are like a choice like you choose to be better for the other person and like I want someone to be like that for me like I want to be able to be like hey no matter what it is we'll work through it and like I want that and I feel like it's that's something that I just I just don't give up on people maybe it's like also like my dad was really never in the picture growing up so maybe that's like a childhood

like trauma thing like obviously like my dad gave up on me i don't want to give up on other people yeah so did you see a therapist yeah like i still see one to this day good for you um that's awesome yeah i mean i don't know where a therapist can answer that question i think what you know your your reasoning makes a lot of sense i think that's an admirable characteristic. I think it's something that will serve you well whenever you are in actual healthy relationship, whatever that is. Relationships are hard enough that those kind of characteristics

that you described that you want in a relationship, like working through problems and being patient and being empathetic and seeing their point of view are all amazing qualities to have. And don't lose that. But what I would hate for you to do is to waste it on people that quite frankly, you don't really have a relationship with. You have, you, this is an early dating relationship, a situation, you're getting to know them. I think people, as a young, as a young dater myself, when I was, you know, your age, when I was your age, it's tough.

We're trying to incorporate a lot of things that we either saw from our parents that we want in our relationships or we didn't see in our relationships that we were like, I don't like that my parents did this with each other or did this with me. I want to do it differently. So I empathize with why you're motivated to do that,

but let's not waste it on people who, you're still figuring out whether they're, that you can be safe with this person, whether you can trust this person, whether they are capable of treating you the way you deserved. You can find, my point is that someone who's worthy of you, who's kind to you, who's empathetic with you, who treats you with respect, that you build a strong relationship with, you're still going to need all those things that you just described you want because relationships of any kind of any period of time are going to be challenging and difficult.

And it's going to require you to fight through problems and work through problems and be empathetic to their needs, even though that overall the relationship is generally healthy because no relationship is perfect and every relationship is going to have its ups and downs and takes work. But let's not waste it on people that right off the bat are just giving you a ton of red flags on their ability to treat you the way you deserve, you know, and your gut's telling you, regardless of whether you're a therapist or a doctor and you're capable of recognizing what is actually gaslighting or narcissism that your red, your gut's telling you that this is, this seems off. And early on, like you don't need to train, like we're not, none of us are responsible to like find like someone and then like mold them into the partner we want. That's, that's not what, None of us are responsible to find someone and then mold them into the partner we want. That's not what all these characteristics that you described are meant for.

They're not there to mold someone. They're there to help maintain and keep a relationship strong and build on a really solid foundation. But you need that foundation. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, 100%. So I think the big takeaway here

is just channeling that really positive energy you have for relationships into people who are worthy and then just trusting your gut with people who are not yeah right you you said you know like not being a doctor or a therapist i thought some of the things were interesting because the way you're describing it, I think, unfortunately, you're describing a lot of young men who, for a variety of reasons, aren't good with their feelings. It's really interesting because I can make sense of why he reacted a certain way versus the other that you're confused. So the first time he was doing this thing, he was objectifying women, commenting on women's bodies and around you. And you were like, why are you doing this? You asked him about it.

You confronted him and he recognized it. Sound like nicely and apologize. My guess is, is that he's not an idiot. He recognized pretty early that he knew he was doing something wrong. He's not an idiot. He recognized pretty early that he knew he was doing something wrong. He's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Why was I doing that around you? Yeah. I would be mad. I can apologize for that. I'm sorry. And then the other thing is you talked about a feeling that you were having. And not that he was, I'm not in any way defending him or whatever. You had the right to express your feelings, right? And this is how in early dating we figure out, am I compatible with this person? Love languages and things like that. Your expectations of what it means to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend, what you want. You just might agree to disagree, right?

And I think a lot of times we are afraid to agree to disagree. And that is to say, hey, you're all right, but like maybe not my guy, not my person. And you described a feeling and maybe he was putting a lot of effort in, you know, these flowers, all these things and what he thought he should do. And you know, like all these gestures and he kind of probably, he probably expected some credit.

He probably expected some whatever. And eventually, and I'm sure you did or whatever, you know, but you said something and you were voicing a frustration and he didn't get it. You know what I'm saying? And instead of handling it maturely on his end to say, all right, I'm a little confused,

but like, instead of talking about his feelings, right? You're like, hey, I feel this way. And he could have responded calmly and saying, well, that's a little frustrating to hear because I feel like, I guess I have and maybe not the way you wanted to, right? But like, I feel like I have and let me explain why. And then he talks about it,

but he makes it feel like you're allowed and it's okay and safe to have your feelings. And then he expresses his feelings and you do the same and make him feel safe. And then you have this adult conversation where you try to figure out. And usually, again, those conversations around a lot of... It's literally love languages. It's that simple. And a lot of early dating is, I'm going to love you the way I think I should love you. Because that's either the way I like to love someone or my parents told me this is how I love someone or I saw it on a movie.

I'm going to make no effort to try to, or even think about, is this something that you like and how you love to be loved? And then we were constantly, you know, butting heads that way. And that's my guess of why he, like why he reacted the way he did. Now he reacted in a poor way, but it's not as, I don't think it's as crazy once I hear what

you're saying, because I think he just, he's like, oh yeah, that's a shitty thing to do to objectify women. But he felt like, my guess is you were calling him out. He felt called out on something he thought he was doing right and got very defensive because he wasn't able to say, yeah, I shouldn't have done that. Now he needs to learn how to talk to people, talk to women with respect, and even when he is upset and deal with it.

But I feel like as far as you are concerned in this particular relationship, it's way too early to give him the benefit of the doubt and how he speaks to you. You know, it is just not like that. I mean, do you want another six year relationship only to find out it's not your person? No. Investing in someone who early on shows you that they are not emotionally mature enough to have the type of conversations we just talked about and recognize it and apologize for things that he should be able to see. You know what I'm saying? Everyone gets defensive from time to time, but we have to be able to check ourselves and be like, wait, I'm sorry.

I got a little triggered. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that way. I got defensive. And then they don't do it again. You know, we all like might fuck up that way, but that's not what he's doing, you know? Yeah.

So is that helpful? I don't know. No, yeah, 100%. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Best of luck. You're going to be great.

Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. All right. Bye. How's it going? Going good. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. All right. Bye. How's it going? Going good. My name's Emma.

I'm 27. How can I help? And my boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We're going on our fourth year and we've lived together for the past two years, probably two years, year and a half. He has a little girl. So we have a family. But we have recently ran into some issues.

Actually, it feels like months ago now, back in October is when some stuff went down. Some stuff went down and I just have to preface this by saying like, I've learned so much since October about boundaries and healthy relationships. But all of that aside, I'm still in this relationship. And so back in October, it was like a week before his daughter's birthday. I saw some text messages on his phone and I know didn't even look at your partner's phone, but probably for like the last year, year and a half, he like hides his phone. He'll close out of apps when I, you know, come down the stairs or if he gets a Snapchat from someone,

he'll like close out of it. Like just suspicious stuff. And I finally decided, I was like was like you know what I'm just gonna look at his phone what is what's he hiding so I saw some text messages and they were not appropriate um dms to girls like swiping up hard eyes so I was like okay I'm gonna hold out until after this birthday party because I didn't want to ruin the birthday party for everyone And that next monday I called my mom. She came to help me move out I was grabbing all of my stuff and he pulled into the driveway. I literally had like one more box to put into my vehicle long story short

We talked he cried he apologized and said um We talked, he cried, he apologized and said, actually, he probably didn't even apologize, honestly. He said he felt like he was losing his family, but the text didn't mean anything. So fast forward to the next week and I look at his phone again. Actually, I looked at his work phone because I was like, he has his work phone always locked,

but he had unlocked it. And I thought that was kind of weird. So I he has his work phone always locked, but he had unlocked it. And I thought that was kind of weird. So I looked at his work phone and found that he was looking up an escort and also had like a live porn chat up and it was, and we don't live in LA, but, um, he goes there for work and this escort was like, you could tell his traces on whatever this app was like that he chose females and he chose a specific location. And like he blatantly got to this one specific girl's page. And so I confronted him about it. And he I was like, I'm done.

I'm moving out. This is, I now have said I'm moving out twice in two weeks. And he basically said the reason he had that up was because we don't have enough sex. And so it was your fault. Yeah, it was my fault. And now like my friends, you know, obviously told me that, you know, that's an excuse. I've listened to multiple of your podcasts. Like I know that that's, I mean,

I don't even know if you can say that's gaslighting, but, um, it doesn't matter. I guess kind of, you could sure. Yeah. I mean, he's, he's a dick. I don't know that much, you know? So I didn't end up moving out I had some stuff packed up I didn't move out fast forward maybe two more weeks it was the week before Thanksgiving and I just went ham looking at his phone and he was messaging girls like uh like one of them was like oh honey I was supposed to come eat cookies with you and he messaged another girl was like I'm sick can you come take care of me uh good morning I'd love to see you like for these messages have gone on for like the past three years like I created a photo album

I took pictures of all the messages and like it's insane and so I was like, this is right before Thanksgiving. It was right before Christmas. I didn't really want to like wreck everyone's holiday. And I didn't want to be like sad and alone on the holidays. So I was like, I'm just going to hang in there. We had a huge knockdown drag out. I didn't even plan on telling him what I had seen, but I did. It all came out. And he was like, what do you have? Are you, are you logged into my Instagram account?

Like he thinks I have his Instagram account on my phone, which I don't, I'm not that crazy. And so long as we're sure we, I've found all these messages and I'm still in this relationship. And I keep like putting off like, Oh, it's, it was his daughter's birthday. Oh, it's Christmas. Oh,

we have a business together and now we have an event coming up and I'm like, well, I have to wait until after that event because I've been working hard for it. I am going to earn a paycheck with the business, uh, cannabis culture business.

So yeah, not that I guess that doesn't really matter, but that complicates it, I feel. Yeah. But you're still not trapped. Yeah, I'm not. How invested, did you guys, what contracts are there, if any, as it relates to your business to protect yourself? There's not any. It's

just like a small business that we started two or three years ago and we've slowly evolved. It's his business. None of it's in my name, but I could walk away tomorrow and it would not be. Did you invest any money?

No. And not to diminish diminish it but you invested your time and hard work and it's a labor of love and you feel like it's yeah alright so I'm reading your message here just to you moved most of your stuff out

and actually left and went to your parents. He called you. He said he was sorry. He didn't realize he was hurting you. He said that he had talked to these girls this way his whole life. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. And he feels like he's lost his family.

Then he admitted to having things he needs to work on. And then something about his sister. His sister agrees with you. You said you listen to this podcast. Just out of curiosity. What do you think I'm going to say? I have talked to my friends. I was like, this man's going to roast me and say, get out of a relationship.

He doesn't respect you. You have other options. You're settling, basically. I mean, I guess. But you're just having a hard time. You're just, yeah, like you're, why you're hurting or, you know, like it's very easy for me or your friends to say, get out. Yeah, you should. You should totally leave.

We know, you know that. That's not your problem. Your problem isn't knowing you should leave. Your problem is you're finding the strength to do it, right? And the things that are stopping you from doing it like i and just to clarify like like is there love there for him still no okay there you go that's a good answer because some people might say yeah i mean you you have relation you you have a bond with his daughter you have a bond with his daughter. You have a bond with his sister.

You have a bond with his business. You have the fantasy of what could have been with him. Then you have the embarrassment of finding out what he did to you. The facing your ego, what your ego is going to try to make you feel for not knowing the signs or what it says about you, that he felt the need to do this with escorts. It's a lot to process.

Yeah. And he's like, I mean, I just, I really knew after like, after I sent this in, I was like, I really, like, hammered down and listened to your podcast. I know. I was like, I know exactly what he's going to say. Like, but I just, I don't know.

I, people are like, oh, find that man. Find someone who's your teammate, who supports you and encourages you to do good in life. And that's him. supports you and encourages you to do good in life. And that's him 1000%. Like I could say, I want to open up any type of business that I want, or I want to achieve any type of goal. And he would support me 1000%.

And I have a good relationship with his family. And I'm just like, I'm scared and I'm secure with him. Like financially, I'm secure with him. Like financially, I'm secure with him. And I think like losing that is what scares me. Or I'm going to find a worse relationship. How old are you again? 27. Okay.

Super young. You might not feel that way but you are what you want to try to do is to be able to empathize with your own choices to help understand why you made the choices you did without judging yourself you know so that and and then but at the same time hold yourself accountable so that in the future you won't make the same choices, right? So you don't want to be judging. Like judging yourself doesn't do you any good. Oh, you're so stupid.

You should have known better. Okay, well, you didn't. And just a little bit I've talked to you, I can empathize with why you didn't, right? You were in a position in your life, your 20s, very vulnerable time, very transitional. You're trying to break away from the expectations of your parents and your surrounding community, whatever it is. For a lot of people, it can be a variety of different things. It could be who they are, their sexual preferences, their career choices, their family choices, so many pressures that we have to try to find ourselves as individuals, right? And this person came along and you felt a little saved by them. You were taking a

big risk on your own. You probably felt alienated by your family. And he provided that comfort and security that you were hoping to be provided from your family, right? So that at least helps you empathize with why you were vulnerable enough and made excuses for red flags that you saw. It's going to be so easy to psych yourself out about what it's going to take for you to move on and say goodbye to this relationship and say goodbye to his daughter or his sister or this business.

But it is not going to be as hard as you think. I don't, you know, and I'm not saying it's not going to have its struggles or ups and downs and its disappointments, but whatever you put your heart and soul into, I'm pretty confident you're going to be able to figure out. You need to find some of your independence. The story you just told me is you had your family, you made some choices that they didn't offer the support you hoped, and you found comfort in a boyfriend, right? Instead of just finding comfort in yourself or your friends or whatever. A lot of people have done what you've done.

I've done what you've done. But in the future, I think if you leave this relationship, listen, if a guy walks into your life and you get excited about it, I'm not saying don't pursue it, but find your independence. You know, find, it can be a little scarier, but find the ability to say, you know what?

I don't really need anyone to make my personal dreams come true as it relates to my career, as it relates to trips I want to go on, as it relates to friends I want to have, where I want to live. I don't really need anyone. It's nice. I don't want to feel alone. I want to have my community, but I don't need them. And that really is going don't want to feel alone. I want to have my community, but I don't need them. And that really is going to free you up so that when you do meet someone, yeah, you like them, you get excited, you set boundaries because you were compromised when you met this guy because you really didn't want to feel alone. So when question about boundaries,

cause this is going to be a whole new like ball game for me, how, like, is it ever too early to set boundaries with someone? Like, it depends on what the boundary is. So I guess like one issue that we currently have and have always had in my current relationship is communication like you know saying like if he'd say yeah like I'll be over I'm like okay you know when and he'll be like I don't know I'll I'll let you know and then I end up like waiting four or five hours before he would come over yeah that sounds nuts but if I would say something he would be like what are you talking about we're not even like

dating we're not even you know it's called common currency yeah you know so you start dating a new guy and all of a sudden

set reasonable expectations up front you know the first couple of dates yeah you just kind of see how people engage with you are they excited about you or not do they take a while to yeah, you just kind of see how people engage with you. Are they excited about you or not? Do they take a while to respond and you just let it happen because that will help you gauge like their excitement level in you. And if they're really excited about you, that's cool,

but that will tell you to be like, all right, they're really excited. So they still don't know me. So let's slow down, you know, or they're not excited about you. And that might tell you, well, I'm not going to chase it. He's not excited about me. Maybe he's not excited about me because it doesn't know me, but I just know that he's not super excited. So that means, you know, you know, he's not excited. And then he, a week later calls you up and say, Hey, what are you doing tonight? And you're just like, well, you have plans because like, that's fine. If he wants, I'm free tomorrow, you know? Oh, okay. Right. You know, you change it a little bit because no guy should like be able to call you the afternoon and be like, what are you doing tonight? I'm bored. Cause he's just,

he's not saying he's bored, but he is, he is saying it without saying it. And that's a boundary, right? You set a boundary for yourself that I am not going to go on a date with any guy who tries to make plans with me the day of. Short of them inviting me to an event where he randomly just got these tickets to a concert I really want to go to. And so like, fuck it. Yeah, that sounds fun. But like, what are you doing tonight? I don't know. Well, do you want to get a drink? Is I'm bored. I felt like doing something

and you seemed like a person I wouldn't mind hanging out with. And so you set that boundary for yourself. And then you say, well, I'm free tonight, even if you don't have any plans. And then you say, what are you doing tomorrow? You know, you set that boundary for yourself and then it evolves, right?

Always be willing to set a boundary. And you're never crazy for setting boundaries. Yeah. I think I feel crazy because he has made me feel crazy or makes it seem like that's a huge thing to ask. Totally. But you have to take some responsibility in this particular relationship

because maybe you didn't realize at the time but you have said yes to a lot of things you know you should have said no to you've accepted a lot of things you know you shouldn't have accepted you've got yourself in a vulnerable situation where you kind of gave away your power

and you chose this comfort he provided you in this sense of like having something and anything rather than feeling alone. These were your choices. And now you need to figure out a way to get out of this relationship and then figure out a way to move forward. It just takes some time. I don't know. You do it. You know, this is going to help you out. But what you have to do is focus on your choices that you can change and stop trying to

understand them. More than anything, if you take anything away from this call, is that that's what you need to do. Focus on your choices. What can you control? Understand your choices in the past, not to criticize yourself, but to understand your choices. And then how can you control? What, understand your choices in the past, not to criticize yourself, but to understand your choices. And then how can you make different choices in the future? And every time you, in your head, start thinking, well, why did they do this? Or why would they have done this?

Or why would, that's all, just all a giant waste of your time. It doesn't do you any good. Stop making excuses for them. Get out, get out of it, you know, and let things play out. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can have empathy for yourself

and you can give yourself some grace, but that's what you got to do. And then let life play out. And be patient. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Let us know how it goes. In a month, I expect you to email us back and let us know you're going to be okay. Thank you. All right. Let us know how it goes.

I expect in a month, I expect you to email us back and let us know you're not in this relationship. Okay. I will. I mean, ideally you do it today, but giving you a month. All right.

All right. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickacastme.com.

Cast with a K and I'll see you tomorrow