The Viall Files - E378 Ask Nick - Dibs on Your Brother!

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Today on another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition, we take your calls to answer your burning questions about relationships and to help you navigate this wild world of situationships. Our first caller writes in asking about being stressed over dating her roommate's brother. She has trouble navigating this situationship and struggles when she feels that the pressure of dating someone in a friend group could make or break the relationship. The next caller is back in the dating game and wonders if sex play is something she needs to settle for. At this point in her life, she wonders what goals she should have with dating and how to find happiness by getting yourself out there. Our last caller is having difficulty with her friendship, wondering if her friend's rude behavior is worth keeping the friendship for. Now she wonders if she should be upfront in communicating what’s bothering her or if maybe the friendship has grown apart.  “You’re never going to wake up and say: ‘Today is a good day to break my heart.’”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Go to http://www.Article.com/VIALL to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more! Babbel: Right now, when you purchase a 3-month Babbel subscription, you’ll get an additional 3 months for FREE. Go to http://www.Babbel.com and use promo code VIALL. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're crazy. Amazing edition. Ask Nick edition of The Vow Files. Welcome, everyone. Happy Monday. Joined by the dynamic duo of Allie and Amanda. Ladies, how are you? I'm in a good mood, I feel like. I had a little mindset shift a couple days ago. I'm feeling good. Did something cause that mindset shift? I took a month-long acting class that was about like self tapes

but the coach was also like a mindset coach and she did this very like powerful artist meditation thing at the end. I've also been resonating with this

quote that was like you never regret decisions made out of love or because of love. I don't know. I'm trying to That's beautiful.

I'm trying not to be such a dark and twisted soul. Well, that's good. Yeah. I, I, okay. So I had a new girl and I had a little date night over the weekend. I showed up in an atrocious mood and I felt so bad, but it was just, it was, it was like the kill shot was like, they changed all the parking regulations at her apartment. So you can't park overnight. And I was just like, I was so upset. I've been driving all day. It was just like bad vibes. We get to dinner. I, I did, I did pull out the stops for this one. Like I took her to like a nice restaurant in Los Feliz. Who are we seated next to? Aziz Ansari. And I, yeah,. Really? Yeah. I don't watch a lot of TV for

someone who wants to be a TV writer. I'm getting a lot better at it. But I accidentally, at one point, I was trying to describe the show I started watching on Apple Plus. And I was like, it has the brown-haired guy from Parks and Rec. And it was really embarrassing because obviously, he looks over. And I'm sitting with my back to him. So New Girl's like, he's staring at you. You shouldn't have said that. That was way too loud. That was way too loud. And then later on in the dinner, I accidentally said, treat yourself, which I also forgot

was like Aziz Ansari quotes. I was maybe unbelievably unchill. Yeah, it's kind of an embarrassing moment. Yeah, I don't. Whatever. But I was like, at the end of the day. Makes for a good story. I'm allowed to be at this restaurant

they can't kick me out yeah and I feel like embarrassment and like regret and all that stuff that's up to you you choose if it's embarrassing

yeah that's very true you're living your life I'm pretty I feel like I'm pretty unapologetic at this point because I'm like okay what was Aziz Ansari

doing seemed like it was a double date situation it was a double date I don't know. Okay. Your girl was convinced that he was interested in her. She's like, he keeps looking at me.

So maybe he was. People look at people not always with a desire for dating, you know. Could have been something in her hair. No, her hair was looking perfect maybe he was this maybe he was admiring her hair okay sure maybe maybe it's the outfit a lot of things a lot of things it could have been yeah but well um question i apologize for ignorance in a in a gay relationship you said i i pulled out all the stops do you guys have like an assigned like could she at some point be like now i'm gonna pull all the stops or is

there kind of like a kind of a old-fashioned like you take a certain role of the treating or was there a certain reason why you pulled out all the stops so this was like okay because i've been just like in a very like wonky wonky weird up so this was like okay because i've been just like in a very like wonky wonky weird up and down headspace and so i've been trying to be like a little bit more mindful about being like not just like before we were just like hanging out all the time and now we're trying to make it more of like okay like we plan a date and we go on a date as opposed to just like having like staying at each other's like places like four nights a week. So this was like we planned a date and she like we were sort of going back and forth. And I was like, I'll plan this one.

So like when I say like because it was like specifically like on me to plan the date. But there's also been times where like she's taken the lead. So it's not like a. Yeah, I think it's like if it's a situation where like someone is like much older like in a different like like if someone's like older like making more money then like maybe like they'll be more inclined to like plan and pay for dates but i think in general it's a lot more sort of like just kind of take it as it comes pretty back and forth did it go well do you see future? Based on the date with Aziz?

That face. Nick's face. I don't know how to, I don't see, I don't see any future right now. I am, I'm driving blind. No headlights.

Okay. Not with, not specifically with New Girl, just in general. I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen. We're living in the moment. You're panicking,

you're spiraling. But not in a way that feels scary. In a way that I'm like, wee. Well, Amanda, I wish you guys nothing but happiness and prosperity and whatever you guys call this thing. Thank you. That means a lot, Nick. How does she feel about being called new girl?

At first, she was like, oh, it's great. I'm completely anonymous. And now I think she like low-key likes the attention. I'm completely anonymous. And now I think she like low-key likes the attention. If, and I don't suspect that anything could happen of this budding beautiful love story, we can't call our new girl anymore. We'll have to call her… Old girl. Old girl. My friends used to call my ex old Paul.

I hope to meet her one way or the other. She sounds like a lovely human. She's very, very cool and fun. She calls into the podcast anonymously to talk about Amanda. She literally said via text. After Amanda really fuck boys her, she calls her. We have a new caller. That would be epic.

She is petty. And it's not for me to say in the exact way that she's petty, but she has done some really impressive stuff. Like she has some impressive achievements that have been inspired by spite for exes. Like she is a real powerhouse when it comes to revenge. New girl, if you're listening, you have an invite. If again, only if this what was certainly will be the greatest love story of all time but if it doesn't we will recuse amanda and you are welcome we could we could either do an aspect or we could do a mediation there's a lot of options well wonderful uh all right we have

an update from a caller uh back in december had a caller call a man with a kind of saucy little situation she went to a party and then her friend had a friend come and then her friend and her friend from out of town left and then I guess her friend watched her

have sex with her other guy friend I think you guys kind of remember I don't remember exactly what I said other than like, yeah, this is shitty and weird and you should probably like confront her or just stop being friends with this person who seems to be, you know, giving off some negative vibes. Like character flaw. Fucking your friend's husband? Negative vibes. Yeah. Or like what? At the party? Advocating for your friend to fuck another person's husband? Weird, weird stuff. Anyway, she wrote in,

I wanted to write in and say, Nick was right. Not that I find any joy in being right. A week following the phone call with Nick, I met up with my friend and she seemed cold and kept making insinuations about my husband gossiping about her at his workplace. After I left the park, I started thinking more and got really frustrated and decided to finally express my frustration with her i told her it was getting difficult to maintain her friendship when she

dislikes the people i love my husband and the friend she betrayed i told her i uh i have to try to be supportive to her throughout but it's just getting hard for her to do. I wasn't nasty or mean. I just had to tell her how I was feeling. Her response was fueled with hatred and anger. She called my husband names. I won't repeat. She said that she deserves someone better than me and just a litany of nasty things. I did not respond. The next time I unfriended her on Facebook and simply because I didn't want to have to see her on my screen anymore. I was notified by her friend that she made a public post about me and called me a bitch. And that's the end of the friendship. I think I'm better off. And we still maintain a friendship

with her husband who she has left. Oh, so she's left her husband. This is separate than the infidelity, but she has since left her husband so her kids remain friends, if I'm understanding that correctly, because it was her friend who cheated on this other guy. And how quickly people can change. Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. Probably for the best, I agree.

I was just about to say, if someone's going to post about you on Facebook and put that out there, you're better off without them. As the weather gets cooler, well, it's pretty, the weather is cold. It's cold.

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We have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send your questions at asknicacastme.com, cast with a K. We have the very funny Becca Moore with us to recap The Bachelor. I discovered Becca on TikTok. I think she's one of the funniest people on TikTok. She does this whole thing right now,

making fun of alpha males, very self-deprecating, very funny, long-time Bachelor fan. She'll be with us in studio to break down this week's episode of The Bachelor. Don't forget, we got mediation on our Wednesday's episode now, along with your amazing guest this week, the incredible, my dear friend, Rachel Lindsay. It's a good update on her book, catch up, talk about life. We'll probably talk some shit. I

don't know. We'll start some drama. Who knows? Who knows? We'll probably do some mediation. Appreciate all the people, especially the the willing participants so far the the gentlemen have been and i gotta say i think all the guys who have been willing to call in are thankful that they did and i honestly think they feel more seen a little bit more heard a little bit more oh i thought i was gonna be a bad guy here and uh i think they they got a little something out of it i don't know i'm just saying it seems to be going well. Check it out if you haven't. We definitely saved some relationships.

And yeah. How's it going? Good. So I'm Jenna. I'm 29. Hi Jenna. How can I help? A long story. So I'm just having trouble figuring out how to trust myself and the people I should date. So I was in a long relationship for a while from like 23 to 27, 28 ish. Um, and I took a while off of dating like a year and a half. And so I'm just jumping back in, but I have someone in my life who I've been close to for a while and we vibe a lot, but it also happens to be my brother's, one of my brother's roommates and one of my friends. So there's just a lot of history there.

And my previous relationship for like the five years was pretty toxic. Yeah. I'd say a lot of really unhealthy ups and downs on both ends. We had our own kind of toxic traits. It was kind of one of those like, like songs describe it's like love that makes you insane. Yeah. I feel like it's weird because whether it's the show or,

you know, like I think as a like current dating we're becoming more self-aware of what it even means to have a toxic relationship or these boundaries and expectations. And we find out that the notebook is just a bad example of what love is and et cetera, et cetera. And I think you're a perfect example of someone who found love in the early 20s, right? And it breaks up. And then you look back and be like, I think that was toxic. You know? And I think just…

And that doesn't excuse anyone's bad behavior. But like there's a lot of people who have young relationships who you recognize if you're being really honest. Like I think we were just kind of toxic to each other and i mean all these different things i only say that because like i don't know if that makes you feel better or worse about like it's not like oh god i'm i'm terrible or i have this bad dater i have a bad picker i you know it's just like it's kind of part of the game um and maybe Gen Z will be better at dating in their early 20s because maybe they won't be convinced that certain movies or certain types of behaviors are normal.

I don't know. Or maybe that's something we all have to go through. But I do think people in your position, people in their late 20s, right? Who find themselves relatively newly single, who have come out of some sort of long-term relationship they had in their 20s and kind of recognize, oh, that is not the type of relationship i want for my next one or my future one i think we it's we don't have to be so hard on ourselves i think that's my point yeah it was definitely i think too we knew it was toxic while we were in it as well um and again it was just like a lot

of time spent in a relationship that was like that. But it was, you know, I kind of fully went in like, you know, you go with your feelings, right? That was like my second actual serious relationship and love. And it definitely ended badly. And like right before the pandemic. How badly? Or badly how? It would... We faced a lot of breakups and makeups it was like that type of screaming fighting breakup makeup and then we kind of hit our point um right before the pandemic hit

then you know like eight months later we tried to get back together and it ended poorly just because of different values and different perspectives we have on things. But when you say poorly, you just mean that it wasn't like you guys didn't shake hands and hug and wish each other well? There was hurt.

It was hurt and need to be hurt and again because we also had had that toxic cycle of um being hurtful during the relationship breaking up a bunch of times and then getting coming back together yeah so then again kind of separating that and we were just in our own unhealthy cycle um where it was just like we couldn't talk. But I guess it was more hurt because like that actually I felt like towards the end, like I had really gone against my character in some ways. What did you do? I lied.

I ended up lying about it. And he had kind of lied too. But I just let this like I kind of pride myself on being a very kind of honest and upfront person and I allowed myself and some of my friends to kind of say that you know what happened while you guys weren't together for those eight months isn't his business which is true but rather than just kind of saying, I just like lied that I hadn't kind of been with anyone else. Yeah, and I had hooked up with, I had like been, I didn't call it dating, but it was kind of just like a situationship with someone I knew for a while. Sounds like you just need to kind of forgive yourself a little bit here.

You're being hard on yourself. And I'm not trying to excuse your bad decisions. Come on, none of us are perfect. And we're disappointed in the character we demonstrated to ourselves. And the important thing is quickly recognizing it, dealing with that shame that we feel, and promising ourselves and following through by being better next time. But being a martyr for your own choices and kind of crucifying yourself after you've recognized it, where are we getting? I know. kind of thing. I know, you know, is it, is it going to stop?

Are you going to learn a lesson? Is it going to stop you from doing it in the future? If you can say yes to those things, I think it's all you need to do. Yeah. No one, like, I understand you hurt his feelings. I get it. And I, and part of it is you're probably just, you're just disappointing yourself. I mean, that's a great, great, good for you. A lot of people can't get that far. They just keep making excuses for themselves and they justify their decisions. But like you're facing your decisions head on and you're dealing with it and you're not making excuses. And that's, I mean, God, I mean, those are great.

Those are great qualities, but you're never going to bat a thousand when it comes to that. I mean i don't you know none of us are jesus i don't even think jesus batted a thousand you know i don't know yeah yeah whoever it is you you know i was yeah i was just really hard on myself and disappointed but i mean at the very end of it once we knew it was over i you know was honest with him and i didn't have to be kind of about everything. So I think that helped. And I definitely afterwards was like- How did he respond to that? He thanked me. Oh, he did. Okay. Because you never know how that's going to go. Sometimes you did that for

yourself. You didn't do that for him. Yeah. I did it for him because I saw how badly it was hurting him because he is a very smart and intellectual person. So he was just saying all these things that I was talking about, like didn't make sense. Oh, it's like he was like poking holes. Like I'm not crazy. I just need you to own up to this. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. So it was definitely very hard on myself and, you know, down. So I did go to therapy after that. And exactly what you kind of said too was what my therapist said. Like you almost feel like you came here to get punished. self and, you know, down. So I did go to therapy after that. And exactly what you kind of said too,

was what my therapist said, like, you almost feel like you came here to get punished a bit, but, you know, I took a lot of time to like work through that. And, you know, at this point, that was over a year ago now. And I feel good about what I went through and the lessons I learned because I just, I don't know, I feel more whole in what I think I do want and what I don't want and grateful for that aspect of the relationship. But so it took me a while and I wasn't dating at all after that. I was just working on myself. And, you know, during that time, especially during COVID, me and my brother are pretty close. So I hang out with him and his friends quite a bit. Um, cause he has a few single friends as well. And we all just like hung out. Cause a lot of my friends during that time were in their relationships, just hanging out, you know, in their couples. Um, so I got even closer

with them and there's one who I've known for a while. And again, we just're couples. Um, so I got even closer with them and there's one who is, I've known for a while. And again, we just get along very well, kind of similar types of personalities. And, um, it, it had never went anywhere. It kind of morphed into over the years, like we're just friends. And I know how you feel about that. But over the summer, we had... I mean, I'm fine with people starting as friends. Well, it wasn't like... This is someone who was also around throughout my whole relationship too, even before that. So it was really like...

It's been built on like years. So it's not just like a random kind of friend for a few years. Um, so this, he also saw me go through ups and downs with my ex and we, we hung out for all this time and have never, you know, done anything. It didn't cross any lines. We would just get along very well. And then we went out and over the summer, we just like got drunk and made out. And it kind of became a thing where he asked me on a date. We ended up going on a date, but I felt very uncomfortable there. I also found out like my brother didn't know. So I think that contributed to the awkwardness I was feeling. So I kind of just brushed it off and I said, you what I'm just not dating right now again this is like too much so I stopped I wasn't dating anyone like I hadn't gotten on the apps or

anything and then you know I had some family stuff happen which definitely put things on hold so around just a few months ago I kind of decided hey I think I think I'm ready. It's been long enough. I can kind of jump, like, ease back in the waters of dating. And, but it felt like too much to do it with someone I know. So I figured, hey, why not, like, go on the dating apps, you know, kind of test out all this new knowledge. kind of test out all this new knowledge. And so I started to do that. And then the small city where I live, apparently, um, one of the dates I had gone on, like a first date got blown up because who walks into the, like, I'm sitting at the bar with my date and like, my brother walks in with like people from work and saw us so then not the roommate though some other guy right exactly but then because we hang out probably like every weekend with like him his roommates and friends so that guy was there and um and he wasn't there but the following weekend we went out to dinner and he was, and that was the

first time my brother saw me. And he was like, Oh, sorry for like blowing up your spot or whatever. And this guy obviously was like, didn't know that I was dating again or trying to like, we hadn't had that conversation, but like whenever we hang out on the weekends and we drink or whatever, we just kind of like vibe with each other and I think just stop talking to other people so then it kind of came to a head a few weekends ago and he he's been like really good about setting boundaries because after that initial date over the summer he was just like you know what we just need to move forward as friends we can't keep doing this back and forth thing so I said okay great like we'll be friends I'm not dating like whatever so then he finds out I'm

on a date and he's just like I can't I can't do this I can't do anymore he can't just like hang out with me a lot and just vibe with me a lot and just be my friend, especially if I'm dating other people. He likes you. Yeah. It sounds like you like him. And like, I, I, I do, but it's not in like the same way that I've liked my exes. You know what I mean? So like, No, that may or may not be a good thing. Um,

Right. That's kind of what I don't know. It's like, Well, you won't know until you try, is the honest answer. Did you grow up religious? No. No? Okay. You just seem like you really carry a lot of weight with your choices.

You worry about outcomes. You want everything to be like you know and yeah I feel like people who grew up like with like Christian or Catholic guilt kind of like or are afraid of getting some of these emotionally choices wrong but anyways I digress I think also part of that comes from my previous relationship and just like we came from different cultures entirely so that's a big reason our relationship like didn't work out is because i was kind of way more liberal-minded and he was way more conservative um sure well there's got to be more like the reason you're calling there's got to be more like what's like why are you even bothering asking me if, you know, like if he's just like

some guy that he's roommates with your brother and you're like, maybe you find him cute and sure you made out, but you're just not that into him, then you would like, you wouldn't care. So why do you still care? And it can't be just because he likes you. So I like do like him. I guess I'm struggling to like figure out for me it you know again we laugh we vibe in a lot of ways and i'm just like i'm not sure this person's gonna be in my life no matter what to a degree he's how old is he no he he's he's like early 30s like 31 or 32 No, he's like early 30s, like 31 or 32. He's roommates with your brother? Yeah, but he knows my parents.

He's the type of friend who comes to my parents' house a lot, was there over the holidays. He's not someone who's just going away. Okay. You're both adults. I mean, yeah, listen, there's a small risk, but I don don't like I don't know your level of interest but it's certainly nothing you're saying is telling me

to be like oh yeah you should definitely not risk this you know it's not even like a work situation where you have to worry about your career like you're you're the risk is some awkwardness that any mature adult can and should get over. And more importantly, since he's like more of the pursuer in this, I hope he recognizes this. I mean, it's your brother.

So, you know, you got dibs, even if they're best friends and you and your brother barely like each other, you still get dibs. He's your brother. Yeah. You know,

and, and, you know, like in terms of like who gets who in the divorce, like you're going to's your brother. And in terms of who gets who in the divorce, you're going to get your brother. And he should recognize that. And so if you guys want to, I don't care if it's this guy or some guy you meet on an app. And I don't care if it's this guy who you've kind of known your whole life. And you're not going to feel the same way about this guy you've known your whole life who's friends with your brother as like some hottie you know nothing about on a dating app because the more you the the less you know about someone and the more you can fantasize about it

in your head the more likely you're going to get excited about someone because you're gonna make shit up yeah i think that's like what i'm struggling with and because it just seems like it happened so soon after I just decided to start like dipping my toe back in the water of like kind of dating a few guys using lessons learned and like differentiating based off things right like you know people who say they like you yeah right but you're kind of talking to me as if like you want to believe that everything you've went through with your ex-boyfriend has, you feel like you should be able to now have the type of picker to determine the next guy you like is going to be your husband forever. And that's kind of how you're talking to me. I know logically you realize that's not realistic, but it sounds like that's the type of pressure you're talking to me. I know logically you realize it's not realistic,

but it sounds like that's the type of pressure you're putting on yourself. I feel like it's the type of pressure I'm putting on the situation because of how close this person is to me and my family. It's as if I don't even know how to navigate it if we do start dating, right? Is that because I do know him you know this guy's pretty much like you don't see it other he's the one who's already saying i can't do this anymore yeah you guys haven't done anything so when he says i can't do this anymore is he gonna like not stop by the parents house anymore hang out with your brother less move out you know

spent like what what does he mean not like i probably wouldn't i would probably have to take space why do you have to do anything he's your brother because it's kind of like his like not from my brother but from like their friend group necessarily you can like chill out a little bit but hey i mean that would to me i don't know if that's you feeling that way or him suggesting you should and i think there's a big difference if it's you like saying oh i should do this like i'm telling you you shouldn't and if it's him giving you that expectation then that would be a red flag for him you know i don't know if that no no he's not he's not like that i think he's kind of like different from my ex in the sense of like,

my ex could be critical of me and kind of call me on my shit, but he would be kind of pretty mean about it. I mean, where's this guy is like the opposite, but I guess I just don't know how to like different, like decide if this is something that's like worth pursuing and how I'm supposed to feel. You can't decide. What you want to do is you want to decide if this is going to work out or not. And that's unrealistic. Yeah. Whether it's worth trying or not. I mean,

shit in a world where it's hard to find people you connect with and vibe with and hard to find people who do who you vibe with, but also you think are good-natured and have good character and will treat you right. Not easy to find. And I don't know if being roommates with your brother at the risk it won't work out is a reason enough to not try something that seems to have some potential. The next guy you meet and it doesn't work out, it's going to be awkward. You're going to make friends, like the person you don't know. If it's not this guy, you're going to meet some stranger, most likely on a dating app or at some party, and you'll date and you'll get to know each other's friends and you'll bond with his family

and maybe become best friends with his sister. And then a year later, you'll break up and then you're going to have to not only break up with this stranger, but you're going to have to have breakups with their family and friends and just fucking life. Yeah. How do I not put so much pressure on it? You know this guy. So if you're interested and he likes you, you reach out to him and say,

Hey, can we grab some dinner i'd like to talk you know and if you're willing to like say this be like hey listen here are my concerns but at the end of the day if we're both adult about this like these these are our risks i don't we i know you as a friend and what i like so far I think is great but we both have a lot to learn and don't tell me I know this is going to be amazing you don't know that about me and I don't know that about you and it has nothing to do with whether we're both good people but like mature adults we recognize that there's a risk here and we won't get an answer to that risk it might you know for two or three years you're both relatively young and you could easily

date for two and a half years and realize not my guy, not my girl. And then that will be difficult. And that could happen in two weeks. That could happen in six months. But like you, and you, you both, you need to hear from him that he recognizes that. And that's step one. Is he mature enough to recognize that possibility? Or is he dismissive of that and says immature things like, I know it would be great and that's never going to happen. And like, it won't be weird. Like you need to hear from him that he has the emotional maturity to recognize he understands what he is getting himself into. And to me, that would make me

feel more confident and comfortable with someone about making that type of choice. Yeah. I think based off of our last conversation about it, he does, because he was kind of putting it as, I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm just asking you to give it a shot and go out like on a date and yeah I think you should talk about that step one but I think you should really get into the like all the possibilities if it doesn't go go right I think that might I think yeah because that him saying I'm not asking you to marry me is like yeah I guess that's a start but that's not having the conversation of this is what makes me nervous because I know you're not asking me to marry me. And just odds are that this has a better chance of not working out than working out. Just,

you know, odds. You're one of a zillion people I could end up with, you know? Yeah. And it makes me nervous to think of that possibility. And I just want to express that. Not because I don't think you're great, but like, I don't know. I can't predict the future. And sometimes the future makes me nervous.

I've had some bad relationships. I don't know if you've had, I'm still kind of, I'm over it, but I'm still healing. And I just want to say that to you. You see what he says. But you will not get your answer unless you try. You're going to have to try once at some point. And, you know, you might, there's a good chance you might deal with more disappointment before you find whatever it is you're looking for.

I know. I think that's why I was trying to like hold off and just like date, see what's on the dating scene before I jumped into that. I get the logic, but it's kind of silly. This isn't going to go away. You have this opportunity, suss out this opportunity. Unless you're not interested. I mean, if you're not interested, but I get the sense that you are interested and you're very risk averse. and you're very risk averse. Yeah. Now I am. Sure. After those five years, now I am.

But that's not going to help. I mean, hey, relationships are risky. They just are. Yeah. Doesn't sound like there's any immediate red flags. It sounds like he's a decent person. There's a lot of trust. There's a lot of familiarity.

These are good things to to would you consider it a red flag for someone of that age like he hasn't ever had like an official girlfriend yeah potentially yeah piece of it like he's dated girls or like situations it's a fair question to ask you know it's just like i'm yeah i feel like we might not be able to relate on this. But it doesn't mean he can't. I mean, he's going to have, you know, you're nervous about him being, you know, his training wheels. Yeah. And I'm a type of person too who intends to, I can be very stubborn and I need someone who will kind of put me in my place a little bit and slow me down. So I think that's also something I'm afraid of is someone with inexperience in long-term

relationships. Just, I don't want to walk all over someone. You won't ever get those answers unless you try. That's true. I just got to try. See how it goes. Or not. But like, I definitely think if you like this person you think there's a potential there to me it seems worth it i'm not hearing anything that would tell me that it's not worth trying i think it's the fear of like for me just like i'm so worried about like settling so i'm almost just like you're not well to his point you're not out you're not settling you're getting to know him more and you're focusing on his potential as your romantic partner

you're not taking yourself off the market forever you are giving him upfront expectations that you could just as easily in six months realize that he's not your guy you don't know it's hard for you to be honest about your feelings because of the overlap, because of the friendship, because, you know, and he, he should feel the same way, but you more than anything should be able to express that to him and him respect that, not get defensive or pissy or, you know. Yeah, he wouldn't, he wouldn't. I'm the one who struggles with communication. So, um, yeah, you yeah, you're not settling. You're sussing out a situation. Okay.

I'm sussing out a situation. Okay. I'll reframe. Focusing on dating one person is not settling. It's giving something a shot. You're allowed to break up. Yeah. And when you break up, don't get back together.

I don't know. It's been a pattern of mine. I think too, because my previous relationships, like once I, I knew them and I didn't date around a ton that like, I just, I was in them for like a long term,

like three or four years. And then like five years. And I've never really like dated much like at all. Like even between those, I wouldn't really date. And it's all of a sudden I would go on a few dates with a few different people and then I would be in a relationship. So it's just like, I almost, I'm like afraid there was like a whole, I don't know. And you'll have the opportunity to look into that if this doesn't work out. Yeah. Focus on the moment. Focus on now.

You're not. Yes. You're not. Sussing it out. You're just, yeah. All right. Okay. All righty. Good luck. Let us know. Thank you. Follow up.

Appreciate it. All right. Take care. All right. Bye. How's it going? Good. How are you, Nick? Good. How's it going? Good. How are you, Nick? Good. What's your name?

My name is Katie. How old are you, Katie? I am 52 years old. All right. Well, how can I help? So listening to your podcast recently, because I am thrust back into the dating world, and one of your recent shows caught my attention. I felt like I was in a similar situation. So my question to you is, you were talking to one of your co-hosts about

maybe trying to define the relationship a little too early or maybe having anxiety about that. And so basically a little bit about me is I was married for about 20 years, divorced, entered into a five-year relationship and recently broke up. So now that I'm dating again, it's very interesting at this age. And the situation that I found myself in was going on first dates with a lot of these guys that are my age, in their 50s. And one of them was, let's just say, seemed to be a little more physical in the beginning or like the attempts at physicality.

And so what you had said to your co-host was, hey, just take it slow. And you don't have to ask what the relationship is. It's, you know, are we going to date? Are we going to commit to each other? So my question to you is, how does one not ask those questions

if the physical part of the relationship kind of seems to proceed faster than what you want it to? Well, I mean, if you don't want to get physical, I mean, you should be hanging out with people who respect those boundaries for starters so you know I think if you're dating a guy who is all horned up and you don't want to move fast physically and makes you feel bad about that or worse is still forcing himself on you I think you should immediately stop hanging out with that guy for starters. Okay. So there's that. I think in general, you know, like, you know, when we were,

I was talking with Allie about the guy she had met at a wedding and, you know, they were living in a different state and, you know, there's always very I think at the end of the day, you always have to decide what your priorities are, right? You know, Allie is a young woman fresh out of college with a lot of professional goals and dreams, right? And she's got those priorities and she is out here in LA

and then she met a nice gentleman who has also his priorities. And when I was talking with her, the suggestion was, you might be trying to define it too quickly when you're not even sure how compatible you are. It's still early on and you you present it you you you try to define a boundary and expectation when there may might be still more you need to learn regardless so you know a lot of people will you know like we never want to get hurt right we never want to get heartbroken we never want to be sad when we date. And so, you know, to avoid heartbreak, we sometimes will jump the gun on, you know, asking for guarantees with the people we date, you know?

Right. It's like, well, I need to know you're not going to break my heart. I need to know this is going to work out. So like, do you want to date me or not? Are you in love? Are you willing to commit with me? Are you willing to move across the world? Like, I need to know, you know, or some version of that. Because we want to avoid getting hurt, and we can't avoid that. So then the second option is trying to make, you know, calculated decisions based off what we do know. And the less we know, the more risk it is, right? So it's just kind of like an equation

that way. So you, being a 52-year-old woman, what are your relationship goals? Have you been married? Do you have kids? Do you want kids? What are your goals for dating? So since I recently got out of the long-term relationship, I would say that my goals are to not commit too quickly into something, take my time getting to know somebody. But yes, I'm more of a relationship person. I don't mean that. I mean, whenever you find a relationship, whenever that is, and whoever that is with, what are your goals for that relationship? You know what I'm saying? For some people, it's like, depending on where they're at in their life, I want to meet someone, get married, have kids, have a family, whatever. Some people,

they might have had a kid and then they get divorced and then maybe they have two or three kids. I have buddies, right? They have been married. They have a couple kids. They got divorced. And they're not against getting married and they're not necessarily against getting kids, but it's not a big priority for them. So their priorities are different, right? And so I'm curious for you at the stage of life that you're in, are you just looking for a life partner to travel with and you don't want kids? Correct. So that's what you want.

Okay. Yes. Right. I have kids. I don't want kids. If they have kids, it's fine, but I'm not going to be having any kids. That ship has sailed. Yes.

A life partner, someone to travel with, someone to hang out with, someone to share your nights with. Yeah. So if I were you, I would be that much more picky. You're not up against any clock, right? We talk to a lot of women and the maternal clock or whatever it's called, it is a real thing.

As a man, it's not, you know, like it is a real thing, right? Like it's, as a man, it's not fair to me. Like, oh, like always like, I want everyone to be patient, but on some level, like I recognize that women who want to have children, like it's a real thing to think about like their maternal clocks, right? And you have kids, you don't have to think about that now. You've got those priorities. So when it comes to your dating life, you really can be truly picky. So in the interim, you can date and get to know people. And if I were you, I wouldn't put up with a lot of bullshit. I certainly wouldn't put up with a guy who, again, isn't respecting your boundary of wanting to move things physically, move things slower physically. Like I would have a strong non-negotiable. I mean, regardless, I mean, regardless of where your priorities are, I just think you should have a very strong non-negotiable with men like that. But in any aspect, you might as well be picky since the only thing you want to find is compatibility. I mean, I really think you should be picky in general, but you have nothing else to worry about or consider.

That makes perfect sense. Are you even worried about getting married again? I mean, no, not really. I mean, it would be nice potentially maybe at some point, but no, no, no, you're right. You're right. It's not a big, you're just like, you're, it's more about the connection. You know, it's more about, you know, the day to day with this person and having fun. It's like, it's kind of about having fun. So, and feeling happy all the time when you're around this person. Right.

And that's the part that stinks though is because, you know, we did speak for like a few weeks and we did go on like a couple of dates. And so you kind of like get excited when you like somebody because it's rare that you kind of have that attraction and not just physical, but compatibility. And then for someone to not respect your boundaries, like you said, or kind of, you know to not respect when you say like hey i'm not i'm not really ready for this kind of that you know i think dating at any age kind of stinks so that's why we need someone like you to kind of help us and get back on track and yeah it can stink but i think you need to try to think about what you have and not what you don't have. Yeah. I love that. I think that's awesome. You have really helped me. Yeah. Like you, the fact that you have your kids and you love them and they're a big part of your lives. And a lot of people, you know, a lot of people aren't in that position that you're in, you know?

Right. Haven't been lucky enough to conceive or have children. So you have something other people wish they have, and you will always have that. And you know what it's like to have been married. And I'm sure despite it, now that you're divorced, you have that moment. You've had your wedding day, so to speak. And again, maybe you'll have another one. Not a big priority for you. So you have all these things that you don't have to worry about checking boxes or worry about. So

like you're kind of playing with house money, so to speak. So like approach dating that way, where it's just like, all I have to worry, like, you know, like what being lonely is the biggest, you know, there's a lot of ways not to feel lonely. If you're friends, again, you can go on dates. All you don't have right now is the consistency of someone to go see movies with or go to flea markets with that you also want to have sex with. Because you can do that with friends, you can do that with your kids. So focus on what you do have. You have a lot. And then the things that you don't have, you can take your time trying to get. That makes perfect sense. No one's actually ever said it that way. And it seems to take the edge off of like, why am I anxious about dating? What am I anxious for? I just have to have somebody

know. You're absolutely right. I have a career. I have kids. I've had the big wedding dress and the wedding day. And so it's just sort of to someone that to add to your life and, and somebody that doesn't respect your boundaries, obviously is not going to respect other things in your life. So thanks. That really helps. There'll be more guys you meet and like, and you know,

again, you're, you're really playing with house money, you know? That's, I love it. Thank you so much. That helps me a lot.

No problem. It really does. All right. Well, glad I got help. All right. Thanks, Nick. All right. Take care. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Nora and I'm 23. How can I help, Nora? So I'm currently having some trouble with a friend of mine. I met this friend at the beginning of graduate school, so about a year and a half ago, and we very quickly became very close.

So we have a lot of surface-level similarities. Some examples are like we're both from the same state, which is a different state from where we lived for graduate school. We were both homeschooled for years of our lives. We're both the youngest of three girls in our families and a lot of other like surface level similarities. So when we met, we bonded over those really quickly and we became good friends really fast. However, once we like, we quickly also realized that we're actually really, really different people. And I'm someone who embraces similarities or embraces differences, I mean, in friendships. But she sort of has the attitude of like my way or my opinion is right and everybody else's is wrong. So over the course of our friendship, she has done and said some things

that really like rubbed me the wrong way and some things that like really hurt me. And I'm finding myself lately really stuck on those things. And I'm sort of at the point now where I'm like, I don't really know if I want to be friends with someone who would say or do these things to someone that they consider to be a friend. And she also just like makes me feel really judged and defensive about pretty much everything I say. Like I feel like when I'm in conversations with her, I sort of censor the things that I say because I'm worried she'll judge me or make me feel inferior for my opinions.

And I've found that when I'm like around her or talk to her, I feel both very defensive and very combative. Something like, you know, the best defense is a good offense. So I find myself like not really being myself and getting into like, I even get into like imaginary

arguments with her in my head and going back to like situations where she said something that I didn't like and like, you know, rehashing all that in my head. And I just feel really stuck at this point. And so I'm wondering, like, my question is really like, should I tell her these things that she's done to hurt me in the past and that i'm like still thinking about now months later or is this friendship like really even worth saving well i can't answer that for you you know right that's really up to you both are good options both are very both are reasonable choices you know i mean my first question would what it was going to be have you said anything to her right um sounds like you haven't really all that much so here's the thing is in the moment

i have said things or like what do you mean oh so i'll give you an example this is one that like stung for me but is not like it just sort of i'll give you this example so a while ago this is sort of like more towards the beginning of our friendship when we were more getting to know each other still um when she found out like the type of music that i listened to she was like oh i hate that music and i was like okay like i don't care you don't have to listen to it like it's it's my taste so one time like when i was hanging out with her and a bunch of other people, the conversation just like got to music. And I said the statement like, Oh,

I thought the 2010s were like a really good year for like this genre of music I listened to. And she said, yeah, well, I think that genre of music is a waste. And I was just like, Oh,

like, Whoa. Okay. And I like felt hurt by that in the moment and then why'd you feel hurt i mean i because no doubt that she probably could have gone about it you know what sounded like a less dickish way um but you know sometimes with friends is she i mean is she an opinionated person? Yes. Very intense opinions.

Unwavering. Yeah. I mean, she just might not be your cup of tea. Yeah. There's that. So it could be just a compatibility thing. Are you a sensitive person? I mean, she could easily be sensitive too,

but we're all sensitive. Yeah. I mean, I think easily be sensitive too, but we're all sensitive. Yeah. I mean, I think I'm sensitive in a way. I also think she's sensitive in a way. Like I'm very concerned. One thing that I've realized about myself recently, I'm very concerned about other people's feelings. And that's something that like in the moment, I definitely don't think that she has. So for me, I'm just kind of like, I don't really know. Like you said, I don't really know if this is a compatible friendship because like, you know, that, so that music example was like one example. And then there's been a lot of other things that are a lot more like personal that I'm just like, Whoa, I, you're too much.

Like I don't want to be friends with someone who does those things. Would you like to hear some of those examples? Oh, sure. So she met my sister who, my sister is my best friend in the entire world. And is, I told her that I was like, she's a very, very important to me. She met my sister. She was kind of weird around her. Um, my sister was like, your friend didn't like, didn't really engage with me or ask me anything. It was kind of weird. And then later my friend said, I was really shocked. Like the way you described your sister, I don't know. She was different than I thought she would be. I don't really think I'd be friends with her in real life.

And I was just like, super didn't ask for that opinion at all. You totally could have kept that to yourself. Like, this is someone who is, you know, anyway. So yeah. So she's done other things like that. Like one time my friends from high school came up to visit and she met my friends and she just decided that she didn't like one of them and like said it to, we were all there. And she was just like, Ooh, I don't think I like you.

And was like rude to him the whole night. And then like, she brought it up like weeks later. It was like, Oh yeah. I didn't like that guy. And like, at that point I said to her,

like, listen, I don't care that you don't like him. He's my friend. I do not care about your opinion about him. What did she say? But like this type of shit just, and then she was like,

okay. Like when I say things to her, I think she does listen, but I don't think it will ever. She's 25. 25. Okay. I mean,

it sounds like she just lacks tact. You know, you're describing to me just a personality, you know? Yeah. And, you know, you're giving me high level, but, like, you know, I'm an opinionated person who over the course of my life has, you know, like, I have found a way for it to serve me well.

I've had moments in my life where I'm like, I didn't really need to say that. Or I've upset friends. Again, it's coming back to your original question. First, you can just decide not to be friends with her. That's a totally reasonable option. You have to decide what value she's bringing to your friendship. You don't owe her any loyalty.

She's not like some lifelong friend. You're just like, I don't know. We've been through so much. I know we're just different people. But we're kind of like a sister you know good that your sister's your best friend but a lot of people who have sisters who are just like i don't know i don't even like you all that much but you're my sister so i love you you know and so what value like what is what if i if if i made you say say something nice about your friend what does she do what does

she do what what value does she bring to the world, to people around her, to you, the friendship? She can be very, very helpful when you need a person to help you through something. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. That's valuable. Not, not a lot of people are like that. You know, there's a lot of people who are generally polite, good to be around, pleasant., will keep their opinions to themselves. You know, there are also a lot of those same people that will, at the risk of offending anyone or I don't want to take sides or blah, blah, blah.

When something happens to you and you feel wronged by someone, people have a tendency of being like, well, that's not the problem. I wasn't really involved. And you're just like, what? Huh? You know? And your other friend you described might be the one who steps up and goes, that's fucked up. That's fucked up.

You want me to go to bat for you? I'll go to bat for you. And they'll have your back. And I don't know if this friend will do that, but if you're, if, you know, so it's, you know, growing up and, and we learn, you're,

you're learning about your personality, who you are as a person. You're, you're 23. Yeah. I mean, I don't know the fuck I was until I was like 28, you know,

self-realizations about my strengths and my weaknesses, what I'm good at, what I'm not good at. She's doing the same thing. That's a challenge right now, you know, in the 20s of these days, right? We have been given the grace of not having to be adults at 20 and 21 anymore, you know? Our early 20s is an extension of her, we call it young adult life, and that's fun. It's great. i'm glad that we do that now and she just might she has a different personality that doesn't mean she has her weaknesses she has to learn how to control that she has to learn tact she has to learn that her opinions aren't

aren't always needed and necessary and she needs to be more empathetic to the people around her and channel those thoughts and feelings in a more productive way. Because she can be someone who brings a lot of value to the people around her, all while not simultaneously offending people, creating awkward situations. Sometimes people just don't know what to say until they say it. Everything you're describing to me is just kind of like a social awkwardness that she might have. That doesn't mean you have to be friends with her either.

I'm just trying to help you decide what you want to do. You do need to communicate with her. That does nothing to do with if you want, if you have any interest whatsoever of maintaining this friendship, there's to talk with her about it because it, no friendship is worth having as you get older, you will find that no friendship is worth having. If you can't ever communicate with them about issues and problems and things like that, your, your friendships will, we become that. Your friendships will become smaller.

Your circles will become smaller. The more you learn about yourself, the more you prioritize certain things, the more you value certain characteristics, your group will get smaller. Yeah. So yes, I agree with everything you're saying. Yeah. So yes, I, I agree with everything you're saying. And recently I have sort of chosen to like take a step back from the friendship. Um, so we were the type of friends were like, we would check in with each other every day, you know, which got to be a lot. So we talked to each other every day we would see each other very often um and i after something that she did that really pissed me off which had to do with the bachelor which i don't have to get into it i am curious what you are oh i'm just curious how something

so trivial can well yeah so i mean i like watching the show okay it's just something that i like doing she's like why are you watching this stupid show kind of thing? Well, she started watching it with me. And then in the beginning, she was like, oh, this is great. This is fun. And then like this past season, she was just like, every time she would sit down and watch it with me, she wouldn't stop talking the entire time.

And she would just be like, this show is so dumb. These people are so dumb. Like, I can't believe, I can't believe I'm sitting here watching this. Like, what am I like, just like stream of consciousness of just like shit talk. And I just turned to her and I was like, maybe you should stop watching it because you're kind of ruining it for me. And she was like, okay, yeah. And I just like took a step back after that. The next day she asked me if I wanted to do something with her. And I was like, it was right before I was going back to my hometown for a break. And I was like, I replied to her message. And I was like, honestly, I've been like trying to think of an excuse for why I don't want to.

But like, I'm just going to be honest with you. I don't really feel like doing anything right now. Like I just want to sit on my couch and watch TV. And she didn't reply and then didn't talk to me for days, which is abnormal for us. And I was like, I'm not going to reach out either. Cause this is what I'm, I'm purposely taking space from this person to see if I miss having them in my life. And so I didn't talk to her for like a while. And then once I got back to, you know, the town that we live in for school, she messaged me and was like, Hey, we haven't really been talking like what's been going on with you. And I told her, um, cause I've been trying to do a lot of like self-reflection and self-growth. And in doing that, I've been taking time away from like my phone,

away from social media. And so I told her that. I was like, I've been taking purposeful time away from my phone, away from like all of these apps and just like being in my physical space. And she was like, oh, great. Because I thought you were ignoring me, which like I was, but I'm not. That's what I was about to say. She kind of sens sensed it she felt she was probably hurt a little bit and um I mean again to be honest like you're just the way you're describing I I feel like I have more in common

with your friend than I have with you okay I'm capable and I like I don't know your friend I'm sure that I have a lot of differences too but I'm deaf I got on the bachelor because friend's wife was watching it. And I was like, what the fuck are you watching? What is this stupid show? And she's like, shut up. I'm going to sign you up and blah, blah, blah. And your friend's still relatively young. And again, like I said, she's learning about herself. She's aware on some level. And you've mentioned, you've already told us examples of you kind of checking her. And when we finally start to get checked in our young adult life, and it's not just coming from people like our friend, our parents rather, our first reaction is to become resistant to it, to dismiss it.

Oh, whatever. They don't get me. They're wrong. I'm right, et cetera, et cetera. Our egos take over. And over time, if we're lucky enough, we will humble ourselves to look in the mirror. And again, you're not responsible for her. You don't have to be friends with her. But what it sounds like is you do have differences, as you pointed out. You do have compatibility issues.

She may not always be your best friend. But as someone who claimed to be someone who values differences in people, you're going to have to want to challenge yourself to accept that she isn't exactly like you and and and you're going to have other friends who are going to bring other you know values and things into your life and they're not they're not always going to do everything she's going to be able to do and those all those relationships will be different you know the only way to be friends with this person you're describing is trying to have open lines of communication and say, you know, I've brought this up. There have been a couple times

and I guess it just sometimes bugs me and I just need some space. But to do that, make sure you're able to compliment her about what she does bring to the relationship. It's really hard to feel, it's really easy to feel like a piece of shit when someone's like, you know how, you're hard to be around. You're obnoxious. You're rude. No one likes you. Fuck you. That's what they're going to hear. And a lot of what you're saying might be true. But if you came from a place of like, first of all, I want to talk to you because overall, I value our friendship. You've been nice to have around. I know you're there for people. I love that you're loyal. You know, sometimes like, I feel like you're,

you know, if I was in a bind, I could trust you to have my back. I don't feel like that with other people, but every once in a while you do this and it makes me feel a certain way. And like, overall, I love you and I'll be patient with you, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would try not to do that. And I hope it's okay if I just say that's getting on my nerves because I don't want to like, you know, lose it on you. And I don't want to like build up my frustrations and be passive aggressive only to blow up

and things like that. Again, that's if you want to maintain this friendship. And, you know, you don't have to. I've said this over and over, but like, it's if you want to maintain this friendship. And you don't have to. I've said this over and over, but it's just a matter of, do you want different types of friends? For me, I do. I have lots of different types of friends, all different types of walk of life.

So the jocks and nerds, and if I'm being oversimplifying, and people are into tech, people are into hunting. Things, again, I'm not in, I'm like things again, I'm not even into, but they're different. I find them interesting. And, and I have different friends who I go to for different things and,

and et cetera, et cetera. And yeah, I guess like, I guess I totally see your points and I think they're very valuable points. We've just, we, you know,

we've been so close and like so involved in each other's lives since we met pretty much that sometimes I feel like it's like, oh, I got to give her all or nothing. It, she can just be like very, she can, she takes up a lot of my energy. And I've noticed like- So you got to set some boundaries if you want to. Yeah. And again, like being young adults, and are you guys both single? No, we're both.

That was another one of our similarities. We're both in seven-year-long monogamous relationships. Okay. And how often are they long-distance monogamous relationships? No. So you spend a ton of time with your boyfriends? Mm-hmm. Because what I was about to say is sometimes in a young adult

lives, if we are single, our friends will fill up a lot of those spaces that we would end up doing with our boyfriends. I guess if you have boyfriends you're spending a lot of time with, there's only so much time you can have. And you can still be friends and the friendship can change. It can evolve. Yeah, okay, you spent

a lot of time, you took up a lot of time. You want to maintain this friendship, but you need to set boundaries. So you need to communicate those boundaries. You need to want her to respect those boundaries. And if she chooses not to respect those boundaries, then you have your answer of whether you can be friends with her or not.

Yeah. It's like as I have set boundaries recently, and also maybe she's doing what I want anyway, but I've just found this to be like another interesting point is I like set boundaries recently of being like, after I told her that I was taking time away from my phone and she said, oh good, I thought you were ignoring me. I didn't come out and say that, but I said, well, I've also been purposely taking time away from like talking to so many different people in a day. See, but again, like you're not, you're

not being a good communicator though. All right. My, what I was going to say then is after I said that too, she didn't reply and hasn't really talked to me. She knows, she knows what she's talking. She knows what you're talking about and you know what you're talking about. You both know what you're talking about, but you're not saying it. So she thinks you know what you're talking about. She's guessing she knows what you're talking about. She doesn't know for sure. So she goes down a rabbit hole. She gets self-conscious. Friendships are still relationships and all relationships take work. And you're kind of describing this friendship that evolved early on. You called surface level things. I wouldn't call them surface level things. That's how friendships start. You connect

and then it grows, right? And now in the growth stage of this friendship, you're learning about some of the differences, some challenges and things that you don't like about this person, things that annoy you. These happen in relationships too. And we have to decide whether we want to maintain these relationships or not. So you have to A, decide. There's no wrong answer. You can end this relationship or not. But if you do want to maintain this relationship, it's going to take work. And you're going to find that all of your relationships and all of your friendships at some point are required work. And most of those friendships, you will decide, aren't worth the work because your time is

limited and valuable and you'll settle down with this guy or someone else and you'll have a family or blah, blah, blah, or not have a family. I don't know. You'll have other things in your life and you'll have down with this guy or someone else and you'll have a family a blah blah blah or not have a family I don't know you'll have other things in your life and you'll have less time for everyone else and you know your circles will become smaller but you got to communicate you got to work at it you got to decide is this worth it and you got to decide what does she bring the table I want and again no wrong answer but you're kind of implying without saying it that you want this relationship to not take any work. And you have the right to say that, but eventually

you're going to have to put into work for the relationships of all kind, including your friendships that you value most. Yeah, all very valid points. all very very valid points yeah i will say eventually you'll need you'll want friends who will who will who will be willing to have your back and stick up for you at the risk of pissing other people off and not those those are harder to find and those are the same type of people who sometimes have to learn the skill of tact and how to like rein in kind of that energy that they give off. And that'll be a challenge for them. And it's going to take friends like you who are willing to show them grace and patience to help them along the way to learn that because they might not know how to do that yet.

And you don't have to do that. You're not required to do that, but just, you just have to decide, you know, good points all around. All right. Well,

hopefully that was helpful. All right. And, uh, let me know, uh, feel free to update us, uh,

in a month or two, uh, whether you're still friends with this person, how it went. Okay. I will. Thanks. All right.

Take care. Thanks for listening, guys. Again, don't forget to be sending your questions at asknick at castmedia.com. Cast with a K for all your Ask Nick questions. Don't forget mediation if you have a friendship problem, a relationship problem. Not that you are breaking up or ending things, but maybe you just need a third party to kind of get you guys back on the same page. We're here to help.

And honestly, so far, it's been more successful than I thought it would be. Wildly popular on our Wednesday episodes. Make sure to tune in for Beckhamore on Tuesday, Bachelor Recap, Rachel Lindsay on Wednesday. We'll see you tomorrow.