The Viall Files - E381 Ask Nick - Toxic Side of Independence

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Today, we are here to celebrate Valentine’s Day by bringing on some callers to answer their questions, relationships, and situationships. So whether you have a hot date, are treating yourself with delivery food, or going through a breakup, come celebrate Valentine’s Day with us as we learn that no matter our dating situation, you can learn to date yourself. Our first caller, who while abroad in Europe, gets herself into a long distance relationship. Now she wonders if she can try to make this relationship last once she moves back to the United States, making this long distance relationship even longer distance. Our next caller enjoys her self-love focused independent lifestyle, but wonders if dating could add to her busy life, or if someone else would take away from her happiness. Our last caller struggles to let go of her partner after three years of being his backup plan.  “Don’t put more weight on this guy just because he rejected you before you rejected him!” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Marley Spoon: Sign up today at http://www.MarleySpoon.com code: VIALL for $120 off over your first 5 boxes ShipStation: Go to http://www.ShipStation.com code VIALL for your 60-day free trial Hairstory: Go to http://www.HairStory.com and use promo code VIALL to get 15% off your first purchase! thredUP: New customers get 50% off and free shipping when they go to http://www.thredUp.com  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another asthnic edition of the vile files sounds so nice now i have it all figured out. Joined by Allie and Amanda. Ladies, how are you? What's new? Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Because if you're listening to this and it comes out, it's Valentine's Day. You seem like someone who had an era where they were like, this is just a corporate holiday for companies to make money, like a Valentine's cynic era. I'm a guy, so. So yes. Do you think all men have some cynicism surrounding Valentine's Day? I don't have any cynicism. It's not Christmas.

It's not a birthday. It's love Christmas. It's a fine day for those people who aren't especially good at taking the time day in and day out to make their partners feel loved, here's a nice reminder. I love Valentine's Day and I've never been in a relationship on Valentine's Day. Because it's just so... I was in New York one Valentine's Day and everyone was in such a great mood. I flew to Iowa when my sister was in med school and I took her to a steakhouse. There you go.

You know, I think it's a nice day to prioritize the people in your life. I flew to Iowa when my sister was in med school and I took her to a steakhouse. There you go. You know, like I just, I think it's a nice day to like prioritize the people in your life. I love that. I hope the people listening will. Come join me. We can do Valentine's Day together. I'm indifferent about it. It is sort of like built-in initiative because I think I, like my ex, our anniversary was like the 15th, you know, because like we had a conversation very late, you know, wee hours of the morning. And I feel like there's a lot of people who have February 14th anniversaries as a result of Valentine's Day.

Uncreative people. How many children do you think were conceived on Valentine's Day? Plenty. Sure. What would they make them? My mother's birthday is literally November 14th. Yeah. Oh, totally.

Grandma and grandpa. Probably plenty. Do you, we are recording this before Valentine's Day. Do you two have plans for Valentine's Day? I feel like maybe I'll order some Taco Bell. Okay. I love Taco Bell. I really appreciate your ability to enjoy the day

that many people would use as a day to feel bad about themselves I love Valentine's Day treat yourself put creamer in your coffee man is unsure you can hang out with me I just have some sad life updates right now

that I'm not going to provide so I don't know what I'm going to to provide. Okay. But I, so I don't know what I'm going to do for Valentine's Day. So it's unclear. Well, maybe you and Ellie can come get some Taco Bell. No.

No, I don't. I feel like Taco Bell will wreck my I love Taco Bell. Do you think you'll be alone? Well, I wasn't. She's not going to be alone. I would intervene

before she's alone. Because I'd been I guess not like No, I had considered that when I was like, I feel like I'm in a tricky position here in terms of how to proceed with Valentine's Day, who to spend it with. And then I thought about just spending it by myself.

And that's maybe what I'll do. I am trying to date myself this year. You did say that. I'll be my Valentine Day too. That'd be a really great way to like check in with that New Year's resolution. Just going to do it. We can make a cheese board. It's not a Monday anyways. Oh yeah. We'll spend all day together. Yeah, we will spend a good chunk of our day together. Someone want to bring donuts? Well, I hope you're having a Valentine's Day with whoever you're with. If it's alone, if it's with someone

else, enjoy this day. Nick, are you doing anything with Natalie? Natalie wanted to do dinner on Thursday prior to, because the Super Bowl, we're going to have a long weekend. It's the Super Bowl being in LA. And I think we suspect that we will just make dinner and relax on Valentine's Day. Anyway, happy Valentine's Day. And for those of you still struggling with your love life,

we got you covered. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at castmedia.com. Cast with a K. Tomorrow, Greg, Grippo, Andrew S. Help us break down love on The Bachelor. Taylor Thomason is with us on Wednesday. Can't wait to talk with Taylor, do a mediation call with her,

talk about life, pop culture, dating. You know, she's hilarious, fun. All of her takes on life are worth you listening to. Let's get to the colors. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? I'm good.

How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Lily and I am 24. How can I help Lily? I moved to Europe last August just for the year and I was very single when I left and planned on continuing that. And so I was here. I live in a really small town, so I'm not like outmingling a car. Are you calling from Europe now? I am. Yeah. So it's like 630 right now. Nice. Where are you calling from?

now? I am, yeah. So it's like 6.30 right now. Nice. Where are you calling from? Yeah, I'm coming from the Czech Republic. Nice. Never been. I heard it's cool. You like it? It's nice. I do. Yeah, I like it. Prague is great. I wish being in Prague would be awesome, but being in a small

town, I'm originally from D.C., so it's a nice change. Okay. Well, all right. So anyways, you're in Europe. Yes. So anyways, you're in Europe. Yes. So yeah, I'm here for the year with just planning on it being a year of like self-growth, focusing on me. I've been in a relationship and I've gotten out of it a few months before coming. And in November, my friends were like, while you're there, you should go on Hinge.

Like, just see what it's like with why not you're there. So I do that. And I end up matching with a guy who is in Germany and I'm like decently close to the border and he's an American so he's there for the military um so we start talking and he seems really cool like someone that if he was closer I would like immediately be pretty interested in but he's about six hours from me and I don't have a car so he he suggests we meet in the middle via like public transportation to have breakfast, but I'm like a six hour round trip for a hinge breakfast.

Seems like a lot of work. So I'm like, why don't we FaceTime to see what it would even be like? So we FaceTime, go super well, again, very excited. We FaceTime a few more times and then it's right around the holidays. So he's going back to America. I'm staying here. So he says, after the holidays, I'd be willing to drive to you to like hang out in person, see how it goes. So the holidays come and go.

And I test positive for COVID. Have to quarantine for two weeks. Obviously, he's not going to come see me, which kind of brings me up to now. So I'm out of quarantine and we're still talking and he seems great, but I'm conflicted because I know I'm leaving at the end of June and he's staying for two years and it is a lot of work, but I'm also torn because he seems so great and like someone I would like to see. So I'm just kind of caught in the middle because I'm not usually a very casual dater. So I don't know if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

Huh. What brought you to Europe? Is it like work or you're just like... Yes. Okay. So it wasn't like you were escaping or anything? No, no. I got the opportunity.

I was actually supposed to go in 2020 for work, but COVID postponed it. So here I am now, but I don't, I won't stay. Like I definitely want to go back. When you say you're not a casual dater, what do you mean by that? I think just, I tend to get attached pretty quickly. So I'm just worried that if we start hanging out and he is as great as he appears to be over FaceTime, I will get really attached. What makes him so great? Like, what have you learned about him? Yeah. Well, he's just very considerate and very different, I think, than other people that I've dated.

So we have a lot of common interests I really like to read. And so anytime I've said I'm reading a book, he will read it so we can discuss it. Which is just like, I think that's pretty sweet. nice and he's just big and just very easy to talk to and like i will say i know i'm lonely like i live in a small town so it's nice to have that so maybe i'm is he lonely do you think like what's his situation probably yeah so he's with the military so i don't think he's also out and about like mingling i mean i could be wrong but i don't think so and he's very funny he may or may not be i mean but like you know the the example you gave like you like to read he's willing to read books you guys talk about it super oh what a nice thing it sounds so charming but also could just be a

product of like is better to do better to do, you know? And he's excited about you on some level, right? It doesn't really tell me who he is. I mean, it gives me a little insight on who he is as a person, but like not a ton, right? He could tell me he's super into reading and he's found someone like you who is like discussing books. It could tell me, I mean, shit, this could, someone like you who is discussing books. It could tell me...

I mean, shit. This could... Not to scare you. He could be a narcissist. I don't fucking know. He's just really dedicated in trying to mimic your interests so that you like him. I mean, so...

That's true. My only point is don't try to put so much weight on these nice things. Just think of them as what they are. It's a nice thing. It's a nice thing I like. It's neat. And part of the reason why you're interested in it is to continue to talk to them.

As far as you getting attached quickly, I think it... And that's why I kind of bring that up, is that if you're because of course like short answer is of course you should meet up with this guy that's the short answer that's my opinion like if if you stop me in an elevator and be like Nick I'd be like I gotta go but like totally go see him or let him see you because like why the fuck not you know like why are you planning yeah I don't know what's gonna happen with this guy probably nothing he's probably not your guy it's

not why you shouldn't meet him. You're alone in the Czech Republic and you've connected with someone and it's not that hard. He probably doesn't have much to do. So a six-hour drive for him is not a big deal. You know? Right. Okay. So it's like, he's like, of course, what else am I going to do?

And that's fine. You know, you got two lonely, bored people being willing to do things that maybe if you were living in the big city in the States with a bunch of friends and a bunch of options, that would seem more nuts to do. It would, you know, but it's not that nuts. It doesn't seem like it's that nuts for either of you to do because like life's a little slower for both of you right now. But as far as like getting too attached to people, like that's something you're going to have to work on and that you can control. And it's little stuff like not overweighing his willingness to read a book. you know like i wouldn't get it's a nice thing but i wouldn't get too ahead of yourself on what that means he is or the potential of him as a romantic partner okay you know that's fair and if you're someone who gets attached easily you my guess is you're someone who will take these

little small nice things and turn them into greater things. You know, we talk about like non-negotiables and pet peeves, right? And that's more on the bad things. Like a pet peeve is something that annoys you. That's like, that doesn't really, that doesn't mean they don't have good character. It's just like a bad habit they have that anyone could live with if you love them. And then a non-negotiable would be like, yeah, they're like mean, cruel or whatever. Or maybe, maybe you just like, they live in different, you live across the world, or you have different core beliefs as people. And maybe you're good people, but hey, I have different values. And those are non-negotiables, right?

And those are more on the negative things, the things you don't like. But on the flip side, the things you do like, it kind of works the same way. Stop treating things that you like as these non-negotiable things that you have to have. You don't need a guy who's willing to read books for you. It's nice. It's cool. But you don't need it. It doesn't mean he's your guy. And like we said, I still don't know if he's a narcissist or just a really considerate guy. He's probably somewhere in the middle, but we don't know. It's a narcissist or just a really considerate guy. He's probably, you know, somewhere in the middle. But we don't know.

It's just a nice, neat thing, right? That might change when he's less busy or when he's more busy, right? He might be, you know, think of all the things when you start dating someone. You're like, you used to like read books with me and discuss it. He's like, well, now I like,

it's like we got kids and I got a job and we're just trying to like, I don't, I don't have the time. Cheesy baked gnocchi. Doesn't that sound delicious? Well, it's because it is. And you can get it with Martha Stewart and Marley Spoon. That's right.

That's just one of their many delicious dishes. It's one of the best meal subscription services out there. Whether it's breakfast, dinner, dessert, Martha Stewart and Mariley Spoon have combined to make an astonishing, amazing team. If you are someone who's on the go, constantly busy, maybe you don't like cooking, maybe you just don't have the time to cook or grocery shop,

Martha Stewart and Miley Spoon are making life easy for you. And if you maybe have used another food subscription service, I'll tell you what, you are missing out. Easy to make, easy to clean up, and it's all made with the freshest ingredients. Martha Stewart and cooking and food can't go wrong. If you are tired of grocery shopping and meal planning, sign up today at marleyspoon.com using code VIALL for $120 off your first five boxes. Once again, go to marleyspoon.com, promo code VIALL, and get $120 off. Enjoy delicious meals from Martha Stewart every day of the week.

Hey, all you entrepreneurs out there who are shipping out of your house or running a small business, if you're not using ShipStation to get your items to your customers, you are making a major mistake. For one, you can get the same shipping prices that Fortune 500 companies are getting. And shipping is going to be one of your biggest costs Thank you. You can get your customers the information they need right away. So check out ShipStation. There's no reason not to because you can try it for free for 60 days. Use my offer code VIALL to get a 60-day free trial. That's two months free of no hassle, stress-free shipping. Just go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page,

and type in VIALL, ShipStation. Make ship happen. He hasn't offered since like mid December before Christmas to come. So do you think I just like bring it up again? Oh, he hasn't offered yet. So it's not, no. When was the last time you spoke with this guy? We speak a lot. Like I would say he reaches out 70% of the time. And I would say we at least talk like every other day, but that's like messaging, not FaceTiming. So I also,

I'm just, have you talked about like your, you know, you talk a lot. What do you guys talk about? Because I would assume at some point, whether you guys talk about you, you two is like a couple,

but like you can still talk about like your ideas of what relationships mean, your past, you know, shit. When you have, when you talk about like, I've had those kind of FaceTime relationships that start off and they're kind of fun because it really allows you to really talk and get to know someone. And you learn a lot quickly because, well, you're not tempted to hook up because they're not there. Exactly. And so it's kind of nice sometimes so what do you guys talk about yeah so it's pretty random obviously the books when they come up and then a lot of times they'll just ask how my day was we'll talk about work i got him started playing wordle we'll talk about like it's pretty i uh i got on the third try today real i got on the fourth yeah but it's pretty like surface level like we have good conversations but it's not

i've had deeper conversations and we're not like really sharing super intense things that's why i just don't know like but why would he keep reaching out if he's not interested it's something to do i mean you're talking to him because it's something to do. He's talking to you because it's something to do. And that's okay right now. You're not doing anything else. You were kind of planning on coming here and working and, I don't know, hibernating.

And I applaud your friends for being like, embrace where you are. Who knows what life's going to bring you? It's kind of silly to go, I'm going to go to Czech Republic. And I'm like, listen, if you needed to go to Europe and get some alone time, good for you for knowing to do that.

But if you just need to go, you don't need to take yourself off the market just because, well, I'm not going to marry someone in the Czech Republic. I mean, yeah, you have some boundaries and you move things extra slow. It's just like, well, because living in the same country is a non-negotiable for you. Right. But that doesn't mean so. Well, you should remember that as someone who identifies as falling too fast or getting attached too soon, you should remember that non-negotiable, right? Because that's a big deal. So it doesn't mean you can't meet people

and get to know them and make friends and take things slow. Doesn't mean you have to have sex with this guy. I do think that if a guy is willing to drive six hours, that you should have a conversation about expectations of what that's like. Hey, I don't mean to put you on the spot and I'm sure you're a great guy, but what are your expectations? I move slowly.

I just want to put it out there and I'm not saying you're going to do it, but I'm not looking you're going to do it, but I really, I wouldn't, I'm not looking to get physical, you know? Right. And if it happens, it happens, but I just want to be okay with you coming up knowing that there's a good chance it won't, you know? I think that's an okay conversation to have. And of course you should hang out. Do you think I just invite him, like message him and say? Sure. I mean, listen, there's always a risk that he's bored of you or he's met some other girl. I don't know.

That's possible. And then you get your answer, you don't have to worry about it. But you say, hey, I'm healthy now. I'm good. Are you still interested in coming this way? Also, meeting halfway for breakfast, I think, is also a great option too. Again, if you have the time, if you're sitting around. Right. I mean, one less book to read, I guess. But it's a fun adventure.

And that way, that takes away pressures of hooking up or expectations of when he comes to your town, then there's a good chance he's going to come up to your apartment. And that's fine too. Set those boundaries up front. You're both adults. But if, if that's something you're stressed out about, like our caller, uh, was it last week with Teffy who was, you know, going out with these guys and she identified that she was uncomfortable to speak up and she knew that about herself. So we just recommended until you do, just make life easier on yourself. Go to these public areas

where you don't have to worry about saying, hey, I don't want to do that. And it's good. You definitely want to be able to speak up. You want to get to that place where you can, but just make life easy on yourself. And I don't think a three-hour drive is not that big of a deal.

In some version of your brain, and I'm teasing you and tell me if I'm wrong, you're like, well, if a guy's willing to drive six hours for me, or if I'm willing to drive three hours for him, I'm going to have to marry him. Oh, totally. Because I wouldn't do that for someone who, you're just driving. I know. I definitely do get caught up in it and I think that's also what I'm a little worried about because like in my

head I have this great like went through a breakup moved to Europe I'm going to meet this amazing guy so I'm just worried that so don't don't romanticize about it don't romanticize I'm going to go meet a guy i've enjoyed talking to it

doesn't matter that i'm where i'm in right now where he is just don't don't buy into the story you know if if this ends up being your guy if you get married then you guys can go back and tell this very romantic story about how you met but don't tell the story don't make up the story before it happens you know what i'm saying yeah a lot of people make that mistake of writing their story about this date or this person they're about to go on or the person they're about to meet no no no live the life experience the experience and if it works out, be like, wow, we met in a pretty cool fucking way. Can't wait to go to dinner parties and talk about it. So do that.

All you're doing is driving a little longer for breakfast or hanging out with a guy who's coming here. And you're going to set some upfront expectations. You're going to define some expectations with him and some boundaries. And if things go great, you guys can have a conversation and he can live in the moment. You can hook up or whatever. And if you do hook up, still a guy who lives in Germany and you're in the Czech public and like, you're going to have to slow down and you can get excited, but your excitement doesn't all of a sudden mean you know things about him or the relationship or the future it just means you're excited you just had a good moment you know so do i wait for

him to offer again or do i just like i think i i think you would have a little power of you ask him hey you still interested in coming or how about you know i'd be down you know, I'd be down, you know, I could also, if you don't want to, I could drive to see what he says. And, you know, if he makes up some excuse while I'm busy right now, then maybe he's lost some interest, you know. Okay. But there's no reason. And especially it sounds like he's reaching out more. Just be like, hey. Yeah.

Also, like, if I'm him, I don't want to ask twice. That's what I was going to say I'm like if he's willing to reach out so much like I don't know why he hasn't again I don't know

you've he's sounds like he's pushed it you've been like reluctant I don't know and things have that's true anything's possible

he definitely might have lost interest he could have met someone else right and maybe he just doesn't want to he'll

you'll let him know okay will I'm going to do it so yeah there you go let us know how it goes I appreciate it I will say I'll let you know I really appreciate your help alright take care alright thank you how's it going it's going alright

it's been a stressful week my name is Sophia I'm 23 I live in a city on the east coast always like kind of been independent especially after I went through a lot I was younger I haven't been in a relationship in like five years. I'm a serious relationship and went through a lot in college and really found myself a lot of personal growth. And I'm kind of at that point where I don't really know how I fit a significant other into my life. I've almost like pushed off the fact that maybe it could be beneficial to have somebody and like maybe even try to avoid any sort of serious relationship because I was afraid that like they wouldn't really fit into

my life. What do you mean by that? Like I knew that I liked doing certain things independently and by myself and I enjoyed my alone time. So if I added this like other person into my life, um, they kind of, I, I, I don't, I don't know, maybe I just like, you're like, they, what if they ruined that, that space for me or, um, I became too attached to them and I started to enjoy it. Is there someone you've met that you're like, it's stressing you out that like wants to be a bigger part of your life and you're afraid of messing up your current vibe? Yeah, kind of. And of course, obviously getting hurt, but like, I don't know. I thought that if I was so good at being independent and I really like truly like obviously like myself that no matter who came in, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't need them. I would only want them. But I went on it. I started going on a couple of dates with this one guy who ended up bringing up all of this, like me questioning all of, well, what do I actually

want? Because for the first time it was mature. He's 27, made it very straightforward. He was like, look, I just want to make sure we're on the same page about things like I'm actively dating to be in a relationship and I just want to know if like you're on the same page first date went well we have a lot in common we have similar characteristics and like values of life and we're both like very kind of career driven and again, independent. Um, but like, I just, I don't know. I think that when he first said that, I was like, oh, I actually don't know. And I started to get freaked out. And a friend of mine actually said to me, they were like, he's not saying like that he like wants to marry you right now. He's just telling you like that he's looking for a relationship,

but it started to like freak me out. I was like he's 27 so that means like he probably wants to have kids by like 30 31 and you know like that means that we're going to get engaged in like two years and that's I'm only 25 and then I haven't hit these goals of like that I have for my career has he asked you about your goals yeah like how Like how long? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yes. And I had this really huge exam for like what I needed to get in the next step in my career. And that was like all the last two weeks of studying and he's in the same industry and like was like offered to help me study. And I was like, thank you. But like, I wanted to like do a lot of it by myself. And, um, I ended up passing a couple of days ago and like congratulate

me and whatnot. And he knows like that I'm career driven and he's identified it and said that that's like, I asked him like what his type was. And when he described his type, it was somebody who is passionate about something and is like very career driven and like growth oriented and focuses on long-term gain for short-term pain. So, and that, like, I feel like that fits me, but I think I ended up just screwing everything up because I was focusing on, I don't even know what. I just, I'm not sure how to continue. All right, I got a couple of things I can, I'll say.

Maybe this will help. I think a couple of things, just high level things, right? One, I think it's amazing that you focus on your independent and you have your individual goals as a person. That's awesome. And at 23, that's what you should be doing. And if you're not, that's fine.

But I think it's awesome that you are. Being independent is not bulletproof for like getting Harper you know like just because you're good at being alone and being independent that is not going to ever prevent you from getting hurt or heartbroken right what it does do though the good news is is that if you were to date this guy or anyone else and it doesn't work out and you get heartbroken it is or if you were to date this guy or anyone else and it doesn't work out and you get heartbroken it is you you know you will it's like everyone's gonna get over heartbreak but you know you already have the the training the skill set to be alone so many people at your age haven't focused about

on being an individual alone and focus on that. You know, a lot of people don't. And, and so they'll find their first love in an early age, 21, 22, 23, be super intense. It doesn't work out. And there'll be 24, 25, 26, and have a legitimate fear of being alone because they haven't really been independent. They've wrapped their identity so much into their partner at such an early age. So you have that, right? And that will help you if you get heartbroken to move on faster. Hair story. So here's the thing. My hair routine before I started Hairstory had multiple steps to the point where I would avoid

wanting to take a shower after leaving the gym because I just didn't have the energy. You're like one of those people. It's like if… I would rather knit a full scarf than get in the shower at that point. But… So Hairstory is the reason you don't stink in general.

Exactly. Because it's quick and they have this little like head brush thing that really gets in there and it's just one step and I'm done. I don't have to do all these like various products

and masks and weight and rinse and I'm in and out. The oil rocks. It's very like, it's very lightweight but it also, I feel like,

does a good job of like kind of like sealing in flyaways and making my hair feel very nourished. And I'm picky about hair stuff. And I genuinely like this product a lot. Well, you heard it from these ladies and I can, I concur. Check out Hairstory at Hairstory.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L to get 15% off your first purchase. The code will be applied after customers create an account at checkout. That's

H-A-I-R-S-T-O-R-Y.com and use my code V-I-A-L-L to get 15% off. ThredUp. Hey, we all love a thrift store. We do. We do. ThredUp is taking all the pain

of shopping at a thrift store with all the benefits that you come to have enjoyed while doing so. It's an online thrift store. What if there was a place you could thrift store with all the benefits that you come to have enjoyed while doing so. It's an online thrift store. What if there was a place you could thrift your favorite brands from Gap to Gucci up to 90% off estimated retail value? Well, at ThreadUp.com, you can. Get the big names in your closet without the big name prices. Upgrading your wardrobe shouldn't break the bank. And at ThreadUp, one of the largest online consignment

and thrift stores get one-of-a-kind finds from brands like Zara, J.Crew, and more, up to 90% off estimated retail. I mean, it's amazing. Banana Republic, Madewell, Nike. I mean, the list goes on of some of the great brands and some absolute gems that you will find. ThredUp is offering a deal just for new customers. So right

now, head to thredup.com and get up to additional 50% off plus free shipping on your first orders. That's up to an extra 50% off and plus free shipping on your first order just by heading to thredup.com. That is T-H-R-E-D-U-P.com for up to 50% off and free shipping on your first order. The pain that you feel from heartbreak, it will be there. It'll consume you for a period of time, but in the back of your mind, you will know, I know how to be alone. I know how to be independent. I might be heartbroken over this situation or this person, but I know I can be alone and that will help you. So that's a good thing. So you can have that confidence that whatever you decide, you've developed the skillset,

but it is not something that's like bulletproof. It doesn't prevent you. So like, don't get in your head and be like, well, I've been independent. So like, why am I, why am I getting rattled? Because I like this guy. Well, you're right, you're getting rattled because you like him and you can still get hurt. There's no version of love or excitement in a relationship that doesn't come with the risk of heartbreak or pain. That's what makes it exciting. If you knew you couldn't get hurt, you wouldn't get excited. It's fucked up, but I don't get why sugar makes us sick when it tastes so good. I don't understand God or science. It just is what it is.

Another thing, too, is your independence has – the toxic side of your independence is your need to constantly feel in control constantly. And when you feel slightly out of control, you act like you have no control at all and you kind of unravel, it sounds like to me. And you panic and you act like the slightest amount of lack of control is a monster thing. And that's something it sounds like you might want to work on. Okay. I don't know how you do that. Therapy might be a great way to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, and we talk about that a lot, actually. You know, and just, again, like, talk to your therapist about how to do that. But, like, anything, just practice self-recognition. A lot of our bad habits mentally, for me, I have a habit of ruminating and going down rabbit holes. And one thing I've worked on with my therapist is every once in a while, there's things that bug me

with the things that come with what I do for work or how people react or insecurities I have, they just exist. I can't do anything about it. Just I am who I am. What I've gotten better at is recognizing that I'm doing the thing that I have a habit of doing, ruminating, going down a rabbit hole, making things worse. And so I've developed the skills to say, I'm doing it. I'm doing it again. And instead of doing it for an entire day, I might do it for 30 minutes because I recognize it and either like have, I've already talked myself out of it before, or I have the person,

maybe it's my therapist, maybe it's Natalie, you know, people I can go to and say, I'm feeling this feeling again. And they can talk with me and say, okay, fine, let's talk it through. We already know X, Y, and Z. This doesn't matter. Nothing you can do about that. You're obsessing over the negative rather than focusing on the positive. You know know those are benefits of having friends and a partner who could help you with that you know so again talk to a

therapist because but that's something I've uh you know your your control problem is no different than and like my rumination problem or someone else's other problem you know we have these things probably come from stem from our childhood or whatever attachment style whatever the fuck i don't know and it's just something we have to work on as adults so i and i agree with that and i think that it was we definitely got like pretty kind of not serious, but like deep quickly, like after the second date. And to the note, like I'm not saying that I'm not at fault, but it just everything got so like so much so quickly. And we live in the same neighborhood. It was like two blocks away from me.

So I run into him after the second date, stayed over next morning, walked me home, got me, got me coffee. We ended up seeing each other three consecutive days after that. And like, he was like, Oh, you want to come over, hang out and study? Like, no, like I won't bother you. Like I'll read my book, whatever. Like he asked that. Yeah. He's like, I want to hang out with you. I know you have to study, but I just want to be like everything. And I even said to him, I said, look, I'm, I'm kind of questioning if I should, like, I, I don i just want to be yeah he initiated everything and i even said to him i said look i'm i'm kind of questioning if i should like i i don't really want to i also wanted to make sure that he wasn't like under the impression that like it would be something as like friends i was like i just like i like you like you're great but like i don't want to be your friend like i said that to him so and he was like no no like i wouldn't invite a friend over to just come out come hang out and like study i'm not going to bother you i swear like it's totally up to you like you just wanted to come hang out and like study. I'm not going to bother you. I swear. Like it's, it's totally up to you. Like you just want us to come hang out and study. If you want to ask me questions, like you've been, cause again, he works in, he has the past, the exam that I had passed.

He was like offering to help me. Not that I needed it, but I was like, okay, sure. In the past, I probably would have said no. I've been like, no, you don't need that. Um, and I was like, I actually enjoy his company. I might have like, it might be when you say you don't need that. And I was like, I actually enjoy his company. I might have like, it might be- When you say you don't need that, are you saying that to yourself? Yeah, and then I convinced myself that I don't need anything like other than myself.

And then I ended up like enjoying his company all the time. I'm like, well, I don't need him, but I do want him. And I'm very picky and he like ticks a lot of the boxes that I'm looking for. So what happens if I never actually like find somebody like him that like doesn't bother me? And like, we're both. When you say you're, what if I never find someone like him? What are these qualities that can't be found with anyone else? We, uh, we agree that we each want our own like independent life and like we can like

spend like make time for each other but his friends are his friends my friends are my friends like separate lives um like we don't need to talk like every five seconds um but we enjoy the time that we have together like he's very into like self-growth. I can tell by like certain books that he has out and like, he has like little stickies, like in the mirror of like, like, are you present? Like things like that. Like, I don't know what exactly we didn't get to that point yet, but I know that he's gone through something and that he does like get panic attacks and things like that. So, and I, and he, one of the things that he always kind of compliments me on when he told me how he was describing me to his friends was he was so surprised and like excited about the fact that he met somebody who was so mature, especially at my age and was career driven and like XYZ, all these other characteristics.

He's not my typical type, which threw me off. I went into this not even really liking him. And now I feel like I'm like, I can't stop thinking about the guy. And I don't even know where we are right now. So where are you right now? I mean, physically, but like, yeah, the day before my exam, I called him because I don't know why I was just like, was overthinking things and trying to control it, trying to confirm that everything was fine, even though I've never once questioned if he liked me, he made it very obvious. And he ended up texting me like while I was sleeping, hey, I think that it might be best

if we start talking to other people. And then I was like, what the heck? I was like, did I just like screw all this up by overthinking? I ended up responding to him um something like look like I know like it's been a lot um and I definitely agree like that we've been moving too fast but I I do like you and I just feel like we didn't get a chance to like get to know each other fully. Ended up running into him outside, like walking around in the same neighborhood when he was walking his dog. And he's like, oh, he was like, it's good seeing you. Like, I hope like the studying is going well.

I'll call you once I get home. I'm like, okay. Like he continues to always say he's gonna call me and then like doesn't actually call me, but like he'll text me, hey, I'm really busy with work. I'll call you later. and then like doesn't actually call me but like he'll text me hey I'm really busy with work I'll call you later and then like doesn't call me later and he's like I don't I just don't understand there's like two different sides to him I feel like and then at the same time he texts me oh like I hope the studying's going well again two days ago congratulates me on my exam tells me that like he would like to celebrate but he can't because he's going to this event this weekend he can't

be exposed to anybody so like i understand that but like him saying otherwise i would makes me think oh okay so things are normal but then we had like this conversation about that he thinks i'm great and i'm awesome but like it's just a lot for him right now like what does that mean I don't know yeah a couple things I don't think he's your guy I don't think he's your guy I mean I say that about everyone right because it's we're only looking for one right you know this is not maybe a nice guy nice moments had some good dates had a lot of potential these are all great things there's a lot of people like him good and bad the good parts you liked about him and the bad in the future when you meet a guy who says right off the bat i'm only looking i'm

only looking to date seriously or whatever the fuck he said that's a good thing but like i you know our last caller like that's people tend to make that oh my god like really you're only dating to like seriously date oh my god who let's just you're special who is this unicorn before me it's just a fucking guy who like i don't know maybe was a fuck boy for a while i don't fucking know maybe and he has the best intentions and what does that even mean i want to date to you know date exclusively what what does that mean when you when you really break it down what does that mean does that mean he I don't even know what that means you know what I'm saying

he said that right off the bat it sounds like he said that pretty early on yeah oh this was like this was after the first date like maybe two days after the first date that's what I'm saying it's this incredibly generic thing that people say plenty plenty of men,

that sounds really good and nice. And it sounds like it's full of intention and sounds like, but it doesn't say anything. Of course, right? The alternative to that statement is, I'm specifically, I just want to fuck. And that's also fine too when there are people out there. But just because someone's looking to date with intention, it doesn't mean they can't

get excited and they can't have their mind changed as they get to know someone. It doesn't mean they can't get worked up only to like come back down from their high and be like, I don't know. It doesn't mean they can't meet someone like you who by their, you know, by your own admission has identified like things you're working on and, you know, his post-it notes or whatever in his books, that's great. He's working on himself, but like you and like me and like him, we're all works in progress, right? So it's nice that he's on this journey, but he might not be complete yet or to the point where he's even capable

of being the type of partner or person that he certainly wants to be, intends to be, is working on to be, and maybe you're not either, right? Maybe you're on this journey, right? You're still young, still working your thing. You met a guy who got, you know what? For me, this is all perspective, right? So you're only, to me, from my point of view, your only issue is how you choose to see this situation. Because right now, it feels to me like you choosing to see it as you were, I was on my path of independence and studying and working out and being this boss. And then

this guy came along who I got excited about and worked up and I took down my guard. And then I liked him only for him to be like every fucking guy who's just like, nope, I think you should say other people. And now here I am with these feelings and emotions about someone. And certainly that would be fair to look at it that way. Another version of that story is I'm still young. I'm still have all these goals I want to do. I'm not ready to have kids at 25 or 26. If it happens, fine, but that's not part of my plan or whatever. Things are going great. I just passed my test. is fine, but that's not part of my plan or whatever. Things are going great. I just passed my test. I'm crushing life. And you know what? I met a version of a guy that I really liked. And that just shows me that there are some people out there that I can get excited about. And it's

nice to get excited about someone once in a while, right? But don't fall victim to making the mistake that many of us do is put more weight and excitement on this guy just because he rejected you before you rejected him. You weren't sold on him. You liked him. There were things you liked. Yes, it was nice that he's reading books and working on himself and that gave you comfort. It's nice that he handled things maturely. It's nice that he said he's dating with intention. handle things maturely. It's nice that he said he's like dating with intention, but that doesn't mean he's going to get it all right. And it doesn't mean he knows everything about you and was going to love everything about you. And certainly you don't know that about him. So you could look at this as a nice little reminder that someday you do want to find love. And when, and when you are

looking for that love, there are things about him that you like, that you hope to find in someone else. And maybe that person will be more ready right now. Does that mean I'm not ready right now? I think you, you, you need, I think that's that control part you need to work on. You need to chill out, you know, that's the easiest way of saying it I mean and listen I say that and I hope this is not coming from some condescend and I'm older and you're younger

I know as someone who likes control and likes planning and you combine the fact that you're 23 you're younger you know I think you should try to work on just, as a lot of us do, and I know I have to, just enjoying stuff. Just enjoy some shit. Enjoy the moment.

Celebrate you passing this test. I know. Enjoy this guy. It's all going to work out. I'm confident. I don't know anything about you, but you seem to be committed to making good decisions for yourself and investing in yourself. And that alone, the fact that you are a priority of yours is to invest in yourself will get you far in life. I'm confident. Some shit's going to

happen along the way. You're going to have your ups and downs. I don't know what it's going to be, but it will happen. But enjoy those ups. And when the downs happen just know that they they are almost always temporary unless you die and then it's permanent you know so yeah listen who's the who the fuck's ready i don't know what does ready know, none of us, we're all works in progress. The important thing is don't like take it slow. Just because some guy's excited about you. So back to like, if I'm nitpicking, you know, when he was like, oh, I can just sit here and read.

And in the future, stop projecting and saying out loud either to yourself or to these men, like, I don't know, like this lack of trust in either yourself or them. Because it would have been totally appropriate for to say, hey, listen, I am excited to see you. I do love spending time with you, but I really need to get this done. So I'm going to do this and then let's do something together. You set those boundaries and embrace the fact that you actually had to say no to him. And that was fun. Right? Also, that gives you an opportunity to see how they respond to something like that.

How do they respond to that boundary? Do they like complain and weirdly like push and push and push and push and push? Or do they go go sounds good let me know when you're done studying yeah maybe next i think it would have been the latter but again i don't know but you know what i'm saying you're like always worried about what does this mean if i have them over what the fuck i don't just yeah yeah that's very spot on he caught on early that i analyze sometimes um yeah and quite like, are you ready to date? Of course you're ready to date.

Does that mean you don't have things to work on yourself? Yes, that might complicate some healthy dating. You have some neuroses, you know, some neurotic habits. No judgment on this side of the aisle. I have them too, but that's shit you too want to work on. You just need to work on you just need to work on balancing your life sounds like to me

but I'm not a therapist so no that's very accurate I wouldn't stress out I know it's easier for you to say but like whatever happens you're going to be fine I know that much I appreciate that yeah thank you so much

best of luck thank you so much. Best of luck. Thank you so much. How's it going? Going good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Danielle. How old are you Danielle? I am 37. How can I help? Overall, I'm 37. I've been single for several years. I'm a business professional, so travel a lot for work, which does sometimes hamper my ability to meet people. Met this guy on Bumble a little over three years ago, and we went out on our first date and really hit it off. We had one of those like eight hour first dates before we slept together that night.

And we really had great chemistry, both the conversation. We were like, that couple at the end of the night was kind of like making out on the dance floor type of thing. So he told me that night that he had just gotten out of a marriage, uh, where his wife had cheated on him and he basically caught them together. Um, and so it was obviously like horrible for him.

Uh, he also has two children with her who were at the time three and four. So, you know, he tried to stick it out, but he couldn't. So he left her. And I wasn't his first date because I've confirmed that since then after listening to a couple of your podcasts about not being the first one right after. So I was not. And I was actually very honest and open. Like I'm 34 years old at the time. Like I was looking for something serious. So I never said, I never lied about that. I was very upfront and I told him, you know, I'm looking for something serious. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, but I would like this to go somewhere. So that was the first night. I really, honestly,

after we slept together, did not think I was going to hear from him again. Like it was clearly went too far, but I honestly, the way this story is going, I wish you didn't, but go ahead. I know. I, I wish I hadn't also. Um, I feel like I can know where this is all going, but please. The next day I actually did hear from him, like several hours later after I left his house. And then, you know, he seemed really into me. We went out again a couple nights later, went out and then slept together again. And then I went on a business trip for two full weeks to Australia. So, again, felt like it was going to fall off. But it didn't.

He started texting me every day wanting to know, like, what was I doing? How was my trip? What were my like goings-ons? Sure. So come back from the trip. He came over that night to see me. How old is he? And then he's my age. Okay. He's yeah, like a little bit younger, but my age. So he was like 33 when you met? Mm-hmm. I guess so. Fast forward. And I'm assuming over the next three years, there was a lot of that. A lot of him referencing his divorce as the reasons why he couldn't commit.

But you constantly had this state of, I'm not going to hear from him. And he always did. but he never would commit. Yes, but also, we had a really good connection. I don't doubt that. When we were together, we didn't have those conversations, actually. We were just very, let's have fun. I've talked to my brother about this. What are those conversations you didn't have?

What do you mean? We would talk about life. I mean, if long periods had gone on, he would tell me about other girls he had seen, you know, in that span of time. We would talk about his kids. We would talk about my job, his job. Did you ever try to, like, did you ever want to date this guy?

Like commit? Yeah. You did. So I thought after Australia, we were going to commit because it felt like it was going that way. What happened? And then he got into a fight with his ex-wife's family at Thanksgiving because they tried to do it together. Why, I don't know. And he came back from that and was like,

I can't give you what you're looking for. So that's been his stance this whole time is, I can't give you what you're looking for. So what did you do with that information? I said, fine. Like, that's fine. So he left. How long ago was that?

Two years ago? Two and a half years? Three. Three, a little over three and a half. Okay. Yeah. So what do you mean you were fine with that every couple months are you have you been dating anyone else i was fine with not um i've tried but no not no not significantly and when you look back over the past three years and you say you've tried how much energy have you put into

this guy that has stopped you from really because i don't my guess is when you say you've tried you haven't really tried not as if you didn't have this guy and you were like you felt totally single would that be fair or unfair to say well we, I guess mostly fair, but we do go through phases where we don't talk for months at a time. And I put myself on the apps. Sure. And I, you know. Sure. And Prince Charming, yeah.

But it's not reasonable to like, oh, I'm going to go on the apps for like a month or two. And, you know, you have three average dates. That's not a reason to like like that doesn't make the other guy better no you know what i'm saying like you're you're yeah it's um i always have this feeling that like once he is ready i've romanticized this enough to to tell you that like i always fantasize that when he is ready, it's going to be me. And so that's kind of my question for you is, when he is in fact ready to date, is it ever going to be me? Or have we had so much?

My guess is probably not. Because at some point, it's most likely from what I find in these situations, it's not that he's not ready. He just hasn't found someone enough to make him ready. We have had a conversation that's to say, I'm the right person, but it was the wrong time. Yeah. But what does that even mean? Bullshit.

Yeah, I agree. I hear you. What do you think I'm going to say? It sounds like you listen to my podcast. It sounds like you watch my questions with Nick. Yeah. What do you think I'm going to say. It sounds like you listen to my podcast. It sounds like you watch my questions with Nick. What do you think I'm going to say? No. I think you're going to tell me to stop talking to him and

move on. Sure. Well, that's the short version of it, but why? You're obviously an intelligent person. Because he's never going to want you. I mean, and if he did, he would have by now. Sure, but also you've made it,

I'm reluctant to say this to you because you're going to find a way to think of it as hope. You've gone about it the wrong way. You've never given him a reason to see you that way. You have essentially told him, I'm your backup plan. That's what you've told him with your actions. You're not wrong. I just keep thinking that the feeling that we have,

not the feeling, the chemistry, the sex, the have fun, blah, blah, blah, will outweigh that. And you're right. Why should it? Why should it? And you know, you're talking about a guy who got married, probably thought, let's say he's like a decent guy, right?

An imperfect, decent guy like we all are. And so at some point, it's like he got married young and got his heart broken, was cheated on, fucked him up, his ego. This guy's 33 when he gets divorced. He probably didn't have a lot of sex in his 20s. I bet he started to make up for it in his 30s. He's got a little bit more money now, a little more freedom. He's just like, whoa, dating is way easier with more money and a little bit more knowledge in my 30s than ever was in my 20s. A 33, 34-year-old guy is dating women his age like you.

He's dating women in their mid, early, late, fuck, in their 20s. He's got some baggage to work through and you have this great chemistry and you haven't given him a reason to say, well, listen, we have great chemistry and I empathize with what you've gone through, what you've been through or what you need to, but like I have my priorities and I have my self-worth and I have like the things that like I'm looking for and I'm looking for chemistry great but more than just chemistry if you're looking for a life partner you need a lot more than just chemistry you need to count on them you need to be know that they can work through adversity that they're willing to choose you that you know they don't have all this shit to work

through and you just were just always available always every time you showed up in your door not only were you like i'll hang out with you you were excited and i get why you're excited but at no point were you like nah i don't know i don't feel like you never you took yourself off the market you played house when you were hanging out with them. It's literally everything. I tell people not to do. I mean, all of those things are basically spot on. So there has been like one or two times when I've been like, no, I'm not doing this.

But overall, you're right. Not to be so hard on you is that for a period of time, no one was going to be that person for him, right? So sure, there's that timing element of you met him at the wrong time. Most likely, he wasn't in a position to really be emotionally available for anyone, right? But it's been three and a half years. You know what I'm saying? And if you were ever that person for him, you turned yourself into an option for him. And you played as much of a role in that as him, especially if he was really, truly emotionally kind of fucked up from being cheated on and walking on his wife and and and working

through that shit and you're just early on you met him early on had an amazing night and you were just super chill and super understanding but you never reminded him of like your value that you're looking for in your expectations and then your non-negotiables and things that you're not going to put up with etc etc and you just like. And you just, like you said, like I said, you just kind of said, um, I'll be your backup plan. You know, sometimes like people who've hooked up or friends or whatever, they do that. Like, well, if you're not married when we're 41, we'll get married or something. And they literally kind of jokingly will call each other a backup plan. and they literally kind of jokingly will call each other to the backup plan.

It's essentially what you've done without doing that. So how do you fix that? Well, one, I think you just need to let them go and move on. If he pops back in your life, it's worth having the conversation and saying, hey, listen, I've had a lot of fun with you, and we have some great times and a great chemistry, but I've invested three years of my life in with you and we have some great times and a great chemistry, but I've,

I've invested three years of my life in you and it's not all your fault. I've, I played a role in this too, but you know, um, I've, I've, I've moved on.

I wouldn't even say, I wouldn't even, even if you're not moved on, I would lie. I wouldn't say I need to move on. I would say I moved on because you think about sending the farewell text? No. Or is that?

No, no, no. There's nothing. Farewell what? I'm no longer going to back up? Like I've given you enough. No. Yeah. You need to move on. And you need to work on getting to the place that you're going to tell him you're already at.

And that is you've moved on. And that you no longer see him as an option. And if he wants to panic and fight for the relationship with you, then fine, you can give him a shot to fight, but make sure he fights. Don't just fucking and doubt him, because most likely, even if he does react, you need to make sure he fights don't just fucking and doubt him because most likely even if he does react you need to make sure he's not just reacting yeah so what do you think about like instagram should i remove him i mean because you know he looks at all my stories and comments on all my listen if you don't think you can move out i i you know what you don't want to sound like is you're being reactive. You want to be as chill,

as far as he's concerned, you want to be as chill as fuck. So mute him. You can have someone not view your stories and he won't know that. He'll figure it out eventually when he like, he never sees you post a story.

But you can mute him so you don't see any of his stuff. And if you need to unfollow him because it's helping you then fine but like not for a reaction from him and when he reaches out when he reaches out to you and you can say like listen i really liked you and i really like you and there is a time talking past tense in and honestly you need to practice this in the mirror on your own because you're gonna have to put on a bit of a performance because like your heart's still gonna want them you know and you're gonna have to talk in past tense like I I really and and I accept

that like I I needed to put myself out there a little bit more. And I just got tired of waiting around. So I just decided to move on. And I just, I want someone who chooses me. I want someone who wants to be with me. And I just, I started dating again. And if he asks like, oh, if you're dating anyone else, it's not, you don't need to, just be like, hey, listen, I don't want to get, just be really cryptic and vague. You know, like, listen, I don't need to just be like hey listen i don't want to get just be really cryptic

and vague you know like listen i don't want to get into it like i i you know i'm happy where i'm at and um you know i just i i invested a lot in us and you and i know you didn't even ask me to and it's not your fault because a lot of it was my fault but uh i just i've been treading water with you and i don't want to see you as an option or a backup plan turn the script on him and if he if he if he's asking like who or what are you doing that's good i mean i mean i don't know it certainly shows you have an interest i don't know if it's good but I mean, I don't know. It certainly shows you have an interest. I don't know if it's good. But don't give him answers he's not entitled to. To your point, make sure that he knows or thinks that I'm over it.

Yes. That's, yeah. You've moved on. That's the hardest part. Because the only way this guy is going to be ready, he's fucking ready. It's been three years. You know? He is ready to be ready. He's fucking ready. It's been three years. He is ready to be in a relationship. You know what I'm saying?

I say that like, I don't know what work he's done, if not, and maybe he never, if he's not ready now, then fuck, who knows when he's going to be ready. You know what I'm saying?

If he legitimately needs work to do, then that means he hasn't done the work. Well, he was in therapy, let's just say a year ago. And we got into a fight because I asked him if she knew about me. And he said, no. And I'm like, are you kidding me? I've been in your life for like this long and you're not being honest with her. And I guess it could be that I wasn't significant enough to talk about it.

But there you go. Whatever. That exactly. Well, that's, that's more of the truth. He didn't need to bring her up to you because you were just, why would he,

why would he tell his ex wife about an option that he wasn't? not his ex wife, his therapist. Oh, his therapist. Oh, well, yeah,

that's even worse. I know. Yeah. That's why we got into it. Cause it's like, if you're not telling your therapist about me, then you're just not being honest with yourself. No, you're not being honest with yourself. Because him not telling his therapist about you means that you are not remotely close on to things that matter to him. We talked to our therapist.

He said it was because, he said it was because it was the things that he was working on. I hear you. I hear you. And again, there might've been a time, but you've just, you've been the cool chick for too long.

You've been super chill and super accommodating and so empathetic. And like, listen, men and women get divorced and shit happens and yes they have to work on themselves but like i don't know we we need to stop like i'm not saying don't be empathetic i'm not saying but like their problem don't make their problem yours right if you want to start hooking up with and dating someone who just got a divorce that's fine but you need to be that is not like a license for them to waste your time for three fucking years. And you decided that it was,

you know? So if you meet someone next time who just got a divorce, didn't you have to have an upfront conversation about like, where are they at right now? It's like, oh yeah, I just got out. I'm not ready. Great. I had a good time with you. I don't want to talk to you until that changes. No, but you sat around and be like, oh, I don't know. I think he's going to you. I don't want to talk to you until that changes. No, but you sat around and be like, oh, I don't know. I think he's going to call. Oh, he called. Oh. And then you didn't ask any questions and you decided to just be happy that he called, but nothing changed. He was still fucked up. You're just apparently great in bed, you know? And he really enjoyed hanging out with you and you didn't ask any questions and you had sex with him.

And what 34-year-old guy who just got a divorce wouldn't want great sex and someone who doesn't ask them questions and doesn't pry and lets them do whatever the fuck they want and sleep whoever else they want? Of course he's going to keep hanging out with you. You just were way too accommodating. Yeah. I mean, the biggest thing is that I've waited way too long. And if he was going to come around, he would have. Yeah.

That's the best. That's the hardest thing to face. But it's the best way, especially like you waste enough of your time. And I'm willing to bet this guy guy his wife was very different than you and less chill and less accommodating i don't know her personality but we do look very similar well i bet your personalities are different um but that's neither here nor there um if you ever give him another chance, I really hope you make sure he really fights for you. But again, he's either not ready,

and if he's not, has so much more work to do, or he's been ready, and he just hasn't found the person he wants to be ready with. Right, which means it's not me. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. Which means it's not me. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you.

I kind of knew you were going to say all of this, but I wanted to just at least give you the full scoop before you were like, no.

Yeah. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. And if he wants to fight for you, fine. But more importantly, get back out there. You're going to get on the apps

and you're going to have, like, you're just going to take time. You just, that's why you need to stop wasting time with him because finding connections takes time. And not a month, not two months, not, you just keep going. You have a lot to offer.

You know? Thank you. And to stay away from the mid-30 fuckboy divorcee. I just heard a new term that he might fall into the softboy category. Have you heard that? It doesn't matter. It's slightly different than a fuckboy because he plays his emotions against him

yeah I actually saw something on TikTok like people weaponize emotions all the time men and women you know feelings are

a very powerful thing and we weaponize our feelings all the time against people because how can peopleize our feelings all the time against people because how can people question our feelings and women and men do that to each other yeah so he's an enlightened fuck boy

is this the fuck boy that's it we don't need a we don't need a new name we don't need a new name for whatever what he is is a waste of your time that's it so stop wasting your time I hear you these new names all they are are just ways to make ourselves feel better for the choices we've made so that way you can think to yourself

well he tricked me no come on you played a big role in this and that role is you never told yourself and him what you want and you never set those boundaries and you never enforced any of those expectations. And you just were happy when he made himself available to you. And at the risk of telling him and showing him what you wanted,

you just decided to be the cool chick because you have good chemistry with him. All of those things. Stop finding excuses on TikTok. It's all these love podcasts. I need to stop listening. Well, you keep listening to mine. All right.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but there's definitely an out for you. You have a lot to offer and stop wasting your time on him. I will as hard as it is. Okay. Take care. Thanks for listening, guys.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for Greg and Andrew S. and Taylor Thomas on Wednesday. Send those questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And all those people who are in relationships who want to do a fun mediation, we have helped couples across this great land and you can be the next relationship we save. Just convince your boyfriend or husband to do it. Just like truly anything. It can be like the tiniest little thing. I would love to hear friends, even more so than romantic relationships.

We just take one. I mean, we've gotten more friend submissions with Ask Nick's with our friend submissions and people seem to like my friend advice and the next thing you know, everyone's writing about their friends. They can't stand it anymore.

We got you covered. Either way, we'll... Come on down. We'll give you our unprofessional opinion. Who wouldn't want that? Until next time.