The Viall Files - E384 Ask Nick - Can a Church Boy's Behavior Change?

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Today, our first two callers are worried about their friend who is hiding her new boyfriend from them and not giving much information about the relationship. Our friends ask if it’s alright to step in, or if sometimes it’s okay to let your friends be irresponsible to learn for themselves. Our next caller deals with a guy she met at church, who is known to have had some bad dating behaviors in highschool. Now she questions if the gossip is irrelevant, or if his immature nature when he was younger will become a problem in their current situationship. The last caller is very worried for a friend who she believes to be in a potentially abusive relationship, where the friend’s boyfriend is cutting her off from the rest of the world. Now, our caller wonders how she can intervene when her friend seems unable to help herself.  “In a perfect world we would learn from other peoples’ mistakes” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. CocoFloss: Go to http://www.Cocofloss.me/VIALL to get 20% off the 4-Spool Set and free shipping FitOn: Work out for free anytime, anywhere. Text FILES to 64-000 to join FitOn for free!  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall National Domestic Violence Hotline Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service  800-799-7233  https://www.thehotline.org/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting ask nick edition of the vile files i'm your host nick joined by ali and. Ladies, how are you? What's going on? What's new? What's cooking? How's life? I was supposed to come up with a different adjective every time I didn't even prep.

Now I'm overwhelmed. Allie's okay. She's fine. I'll provide an update. You can think of the adjective. Oh, God. I've been doing, so I've been, during when the pandemic first started, I began learning German with my best friends as a bit because we thought it would be very funny if we could just like gossip in German,

basically. And my grandfather was born in Germany, left for Nazi reasons. You can cut that out if you want. But he speaks. Why? I don't know. Part of his history. Part of his history.

To be clear, he's Jewish, not the other side. Your grandfather's not a Nazi. I'm saying my grandfather was persecuted by Nazis, not is a Nazi. But yeah, he was always really proud to be an American. He speaks so many languages, but his English was like flawless. So never really engaged with the other ones. But he caught wind that I was learning German. And so we started doing Zoom lessons in German.

I thought it would be like the kind of thing we did for a few months. We've been doing it for two years now. Like very dedicated and recent. How good are you now? You know. Do you know Andrew speaks a little? Yeah, I said that to him. They spoke in it.

I sat here in silence. I think so. We have this like e-book that we tend to go through. And so I feel like I'm learning the grammar. I'm still gaining comfort with some of the more like conversational things, but it's just been like very cool. Like, cause my grandfather's like 97 now. And so it's just been like so special having this time with him. And now he knows he, you know, he asks me if I've like, I'm man, which is like, if I have a man in my life. And so one day I'll be able to talk love life in German. Awesome. That's amazing. We had cupcakes yesterday. Our lovely producer Shanti

brought us Valentine's Day cupcakes and she sent me home with them. So I took it upon myself. I was like, I'm going to be a very friendly neighbor person in my apartment complex. You handed out cupcakes? Yeah, because I thought it would be nice to like spread joy and love. So I brought one to the girl who lives across the hall for me. And then there was this guy that I met on our rooftop a few weeks ago. He printed something for me because I don't have a printer. So like we've just like, you know, texted a couple times and he seemed really nice. And I was like, oh, are you home? I'll bring you a cupcake. And he was like, yeah, I'm like getting ready for like the work week, but I like come get it. He was like, I'm going to come pick it up. And like hours went by.

And then he like thought that I was going to, I don't even know. He was like, I was waiting on you to text me. I was like, you said you were going to come pick it up. And then I was like,

is this a cupcake or is this a cupcake? You know? Because now it's 9, now it's 930. It was not great. And I just kind of ended up being like oh

it's late I need to get ready for work tomorrow and like nothing happened I was very proud of that because I think a younger Allie would have been like look at this man

in my apartment it is Valentine's Day let us you would have just gone for it probably but I realized he was not worth my time

well the thing you said that is so kind of like well you're here well I think like me in college probably definitely would have. Well, the thing you said that is so, you really, he talked. Kind of like, well, you're here. Well, I think like me in college probably definitely would have done that. Okay.

But also you said he talked like a TED talk. Oh my God, he did. Wait, there were some like crazy quotes. It was like, he talked with like a bravado or like a TED talk

and he also kept like nudging me and like using my name so he'd be like, you know what, Allison? I came out here with my savings. I didn't need this job. I wanted this job, Allison. I wanted it. Like, and it was just this. And I literally said it to him at one point. I was like, you speak so deliberately. It's as if

you're speaking in a TED talk. It's as if you're reading a script of what you think you should say. And I was like, you speak like you're delivering a TED talk. And he goes, I've never once been disingenuous, Allison. I am who I am. Every time a guy says that the first time you're hanging out with him, like that is an issue. We got to go. And I was like,

I got to go to bed, whatever. We each had one glass of wine. And by the time he got upstairs, I don't know if he drank more or if he was already drunk when he got to my apartment, but he texted me, happy New Year's Eve.

Thanks for the cupcake. And then he sent Asterisk Valentine's Day. Like he didn't know what holiday was. That was my Valentine's Day. Glad you're safe. Thank you. Finding doctors, not easy to do. And then you're like, you don't know

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And the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. All orders over $20, you get free shipping in the U.S. We have a great episode for you. We'll get to these fantastic callers and moments. We have an amazing week lined up for you. The one, the only, Megangan trainer and her brother ryan trainer are with us on wednesday for our going deeper episodes we're calling them going deeper now uh that includes uh talking with megan about life pop culture what she's into i've been trying to get

her brother back on the dating apps uh and fall in. He's been off them. Megan obviously is wonderfully married with a new beautiful baby boy. And we'll talk about life with them as well as doing a mediation call with Megan Trainor. If you want Megan Trainor to help me mediate a fight with you and a friend, a boyfriend, a husband, a fiance, a coworker, write us in about a fight that you're having. If you haven't listened to our mediation calls

on our Wednesday episodes, check it out. If you're an Ask Nick fan, you will love it if you haven't listened to them. And we don't really take sides. Everyone so far, it's been kind of how each side can see the other. It's collaborative not competitive. It's truly mediation. This is not Judge Nick

or you know this is not like. As someone recommended the vile trials. Yeah this is not a trial. Let your boyfriend fiance husband know that we are not going to be putting them on blast but Meghan Trainor can tell you what's up with your relationship

or maybe give you a helpful tidbit. So write us in at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. Obviously, for our Ask Nick questions, we need those. For our Bachelor Recap tomorrow, we have the very wonderful Mary O'Malino, who is a budding star on ABC. More importantly, she's a huge Bachelor fan,

and she'll be with us tonight, tomorrow, to recap another episode of The Bachelor. So big weeks ahead. Subscribe, tell your friends, review. We appreciate you. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask nick your sexy questions

how's it going hey i'm taylor i'm 29 and i'm marie and i'm also 29 all right taylor and marie not a mediation call but you guys are calling in to talk some shit. What's going on? I mean, maybe just a little bit, not much. All right. How can I help? So we have a friend, we'll call her Ashley. She has recently started dating this guy. They've been together, I think it's been six weeks. We don't know because we find things out whenever she decides to tell us that she wants to share for the day.

It all started back mid-November. A few of us were out at a bar and we wanted her to come with us. And she was like, I've been drinking all day at this party with some coworkers. I just can't drive. I'm sorry.

We're like, no, understand. We want you to be safe. The bar is 45 minutes from where we live. We're like, don't even try. So we're having fun, having a good time. Later the night, we get a text from her freaking out because this guy that she works with is at this party. And she's like, he just kissed me in front of like all our friends here. And we're like, whoa, cause she's not really a PDA personDA person so we were like I can't believe she let him kiss her like we're like dude like we hate that for you like I can't believe he would like disrespect your boundaries whatever and she's like well I mean

like it wasn't there wasn't a chance it was like a nice like rom-com moment she wasn't excited she is this the guy who she's dating yeah this is the guy she's dating okay but they had known each other for like seven days at this point so they're like have just been introduced so she starts freaking out not because he kissed her but because a friend of hers also liked him and she was worried 26 i think she's 26 okay not 16 yeah no she's 26 so she's freaking out think she's 26. Okay. Not 16. Yeah. No, she's 26. So she's freaking out about, she's like, Jessica's also thinking, she's like, Jessica's going to hate me. Like he, you know, she likes him. Like, what do I do? And we're like, you just tell her she we're old. We're in our twenties. Like tell her it'll be fine. So she tells her and Jessica goes, Oh, ha ha. Like it's totally fine. So she tells her and Jessica goes, Oh, ha ha. Like, it's totally fine. He called me,

um, basically trying to get me to come over later tonight. Cause you had already told him you didn't like when I got with him, like he was mad about that. So like, I don't know, it was weird, whatever. Yeah. So like we tell Ashley, we're like, dude, he's slimy, scummy. Don't do it. Like, no, he's just already giving red flags. Like, you know, just cut your losses with this. Like, doesn't seem like a good guy. So the next morning we decide, hey, let's check in. We put her in a group message and we're like, hey, how you feeling?

She goes, I'm fine. He's at my house watching basketball. And we were just like shook like sheer confusion I replied and said interesting and left it at that um and then we just kind of had our our side conversations because we just were like dude like what is going on but we didn't really hear about him um Taylor had talked to another friend of ours kind of about the situation. Yeah. So I asked one of our other friends because so she, the other friend is better friends than I am. And so I was like, Hey, what, what has she said? What's going on? Has she given you any

other information? Just because like, we're all just worried because we've all had life experiences with relationships and we've had our fair share of heartbreak and just kind of guys having major red flags. And we see that stuff as outsiders from this situation. And we just want her to be aware because she's never had a boyfriend. It's just, it's crazy. So I was like, what has she said? And she said, like our friend said that she gave her like what she has seen for red flags and how, what her concerns are. And her, our friend just doesn't care basically.

And another guy that she dated previously for like three dates, she brought him around and he was really sweet, but he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend like after the third date, which good for him for being open about that. But I think that scared her a little bit. And the other thing that she decided to entice with about that guy is that he didn't go to church and she's very much going to church she you know really loves doing that and she has these boundaries that she has set for herself and then all of a sudden with this guy those boundaries and those things that she really wants in a guy are just out the window now so it's just really odd to us that all of a sudden you have no, none of these things that you want in the sky, like are already, like you're just ready to be

with this guy at all times. Yeah. She literally, we never heard about him for solid three, four weeks. And she came into my office at work one day right after Thanksgiving and was like, so we've been hanging out every day for the last three weeks and i was like what i am so confused like why have we not heard about this but i mean i guess but it was you you warned her about a guy she didn't take your advice because she wants to feel special because just because it happened to everyone else doesn't mean it's going to happen to me because I'm special. And we all do that.

Like, I'm sure you guys, in a perfect world, we'd all learn from other people's mistakes. But I mean, it's not a perfect world and we very rarely do. You know, the people who are willing to learn from other people's mistakes definitely like have a head start on everyone else but most of us were ego-driven

maniacs who like think we're well you know think we are special want to prove to ourselves that we are special and we can be different and she going to have to learn the hard way. Most likely, right? I mean, at some point, this guy's going to most likely break her heart. She sounds like she's confusing her non-negotiables with her pet peeves. You know? Like, yeah, religion is a legitimate non-negotiable. But, like, so is, like, high character. But, like, character is harder to, like to like distinguish and people can lie and manipulate and you can look the other way and you can have rose colored glasses on where it's like, oh yeah, I don't really go to church.

You know, and she'd be like, oh, well, I can't date you. Meanwhile, like it really probably has less to do with the church. It has more to do with the fact that he was like, I'm available. I'm here. You don't have to chase me. that didn't make her feel special that made her feel like why are you so easy to get you know yeah i think that is definitely something that we've thought about too um she made a comment once to us that in high school she was always the girl who had crushes on these guys, but the guys didn't choose her. Like they chose her other friends. And now she's the one who got chosen. Like there

was this other girl in the picture and she got chosen. And that's like, that's exactly what like we've said all along. And I guess we just wanted to come on because we wanted your advice. Because, I mean, this was the best advice. As long as she's safe, you know. Which, well, we don't know because we, like, after she came to my office, two weeks later, she just, in a group chat, I have a boyfriend, LOL.

Like, that was the text. I have a boyfriend, LOL. I mean, he might be a fuckboy and a douchebag, but there's no real reason to think that her safety is in danger right like sort of a broken heart yeah I guess

she won't introduce any of us to him because you've made her feel like you're going to judge her so the best thing you guys can do is to keep your mouth shut don't give her the eye rolls or the side eyes or your comments so your huffs and puffs and be very mindful of your body language and your non-verbal cues and your verbal cues on what you say to her because it's none of it's going to work all it's going

to do is have her become more secretive and it will she will isolate herself with this guy and then if if he is a douchebag or it were let's say he turns out to be a bad guy or dangerous guy then she will she will be in more danger because she'll have isolated herself for fear of judgment with her friends you're not going to change your mind you tried to do the thing you tried to warn her and all you can do is keep her close and wait for her to get her heart broken and when she does you don't say I told her so

you know you don't say oh we warned you you just say I'm sorry and you know and and you know after a while she's like I don't understand I don't understand then you're just like hey just respectfully you know we did you know after a while she's like I don't understand I don't understand then you're just like hey I mean just respectfully

you know we did you know you know there's this podcast you should listen to or whatever but in the short term you just

you just support her and let her yeah she is she's actively said I prefer to learn the hard way so let her it's her choice sit on hey She's actively said, I prefer to learn the hard way. It's a letter. It's her choice.

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friend group that is so incredibly open about who we're dating, just everything we're doing. I'm the only one in the group besides her that has a boyfriend. He met my friends literally after our second date I was

never gonna listen to you never listen the person who might have something to say because what you are is like you're competing you know yeah and I'm sure there's always a little bit of competition there's always a little bit of ego. Really, all you can do is just keep an eye on things and support her and not try to be right. Just be there for her if it doesn't work out. And also, who knows? We don't know much about this guy, yeah?

No. We know where he works. We know his first name.'s it it isn't like i agree it's probably not likely but it is possible that yeah that was a douchebag moment and and maybe this other girl also exaggerated because she felt a little kind of wronged as well so she tried to you know kind of stick a jab because she felt invalidated. So she was like, you know what? Fuck you.

He wanted to fuck me first. I was like, okay, congrats. But people weirdly say shit like that. But we don't really know. So it's entirely possible, even if he did that, that he was a douchebag, but then realized he really liked your friend. And maybe he was like, honestly, I was trying to have my cake and eat in two that night. I was definitely being a fuckboy that night, for sure.

But I like you. I've had that happen where you go to a party and you're just like, there's one girl I'm vibing with and there's another girl I'm vibing with. Well, yay for me. And then I'm out there just vibing and i'm single like why not and and then you realize wait i like this person you know and

you're just like i guess that was if if i was watching myself on a tv i'd be like that that's i'm a douchebag you know fuck boy energy you know know, so it's entirely possible. Again, more likely that she'll end up being disappointed because it seems like she's making all the wrong choices in terms of like she's, you know, how she's valuing her decisions. But either way, you've done your part as a friend. You gave her the heads up. Now judging her, talking behind her back, making her feel like she's going to, you know,

she has something coming to her. Like it doesn't do her any good. And as long as she's safe, we have no reason to think she's not, then just be her friend. And ask her more questions. What you should do to get back in her good graces is be like, oh, like how is, how things going? Are you happy?

I'm really happy for you. Tell us more about him. Because right now she doesn't feel like it's safe to do that. So she doesn't. Yeah, and we kind of talked about that, how we kind of realized, well, we don't really ask. And it's like, do we think she's going to tell us or do we not care enough?

Pretend to care. And I think it's, okay. It's not that we don't care about her like we definitely care about her it's just there's a pretend to care about the relationship be willing to be wrong because you might be wrong okay yeah and even if you are right even if you are right there's no point in her isolating herself. Listen, she's not the first person who chose validation over all the right advice. She's not the first person who wanted to learn the hard way. That's the norm. And being a friend isn't being right. It's just being there for your friends when they make bad decisions and you have their back and you're like, all right, well,

let's get through it together. That's being a friend. So that's what I would do. Well, we've talked about that. And even the other night, I said, I really hope that it works out for her. I hope that year, year two years three years from now we can all look back and she's completely happy in this relationship and it's everything that she's ever hoped for and wanted and that we look like the assholes yeah you know you guys probably can both admit that there's a part of you like and we all have egos you know as someone who gives advice I like being I love it when people like call me and be like hey you were right you know oh for sure i mean yeah so like there's there's that part of you even though you know that's the right thing to say and feel

there's a part of you that kind of like hopes it crashes and burns they're gonna be like we fucking told you absolutely yeah absolutely absolutely i'm not there's yeah i'm like oh i love her but i'm also like if this this relationship could just. Yeah. So just be mindful. It doesn't matter. The point is, just be there for her. It probably won't be her last boyfriend. It probably won't be her last bad decision. You guys will make ego driven decisions in the future. You will ignore good advice in the future as well. And you want your friends, despite your poor choices, to not judge you and say, I told you so, or wish you negative things to happen. And so as someone who's not invested, that's 100% what you should do. Okay. How do we support her if she gets a

new job and she moves and he moves with her? Same way. I mean, she's an adult. and she moves and he moves with her. Same way. I mean, she's an adult. Yeah. Okay. Because that's very likely. That was the last bombshell was,

oh, I applied for this job and he's going to come with me. And I was like, oh my gosh. At least it's her job and she's not moving for him. It's the other way around. That's true. That's true. So we were kind of being bitches,

but not completely. Yeah. A little bit okay that's what we were worried about it's fine we were like oh she asked you questions be like oh do you think this is crazy don't like oh my god yes it's crazy like don't like just be like hey listen i don't know you're just you know say say something I would say. Hey, it's fast. It's early. You don't know how, like, anything's possible. He could be your guy. You don't know. I just, like, just, you know, it's probably going to be great.

But, like, just you don't want to move and be alone and be heartbroken either. You know? Yeah. I told her, I was like, just, because she's really unhappy in her current job, which is why she's looking. And I was like, look, you put your happiness first. You know, if he doesn't want to go, don't, don't let that be your decision maker because you're still going to be unhappy. And I was trying to be like, I don't want to tell you, you shouldn't live with him. So how can I say it without saying it?

It's not your business. It's not your business. We were afraid you were going to say that. Has anyone not moved in with someone because their friend told them not to? I mean, come on. Probably not. I'm sure most people are like, yeah, you're telling me no,

but I'm going to, I think we've all like, I know there are times my friends have been like, you should stop talking to that guy. And I'm like, watch me. I'm gonna I think we've all like I know there are times my friends have been like you should stop talking to that guy and I'm like watch me I'm going to continue I even though I know you're right I'm going to continue to do this I think we're just we're we're overprotective because it's her first boyfriend I think that's why we're just like it's your first one we want we I think we're just being overprotective. And a perfect role she'd love to learn from other people who have dated before her. But all she is is the norm right now of wanting to figure it out for herself.

Yeah. You just let her know whatever happens, we got your back and we'll be there for you. And we're glad you're happy. Relationships change. Your boyfriend could break up with you tomorrow. Oh, please don't say that. I hope not. We're moving in together in a month. I'm just saying you don't know. My point is that you're sitting there judging your friend and this

guy who you barely know being like, I'm all secure. Shit changes. Life changes. You just don't know. So just be careful how much you're judging people and just be there for her and see how it goes. We can definitely do that. We can do that. We can do that. Okay. Well, best of luck and congrats on your love and happiness. And I hope the move-in is wonderful and glorious. Thank you. Thanks, Nick. Take care, ladies. Thanks, Nick. All right. Bye-bye. Bye.

How's it going? Hey, it's going good. I'm Nicole and I'm 23. How can I help, Nicole? Okay. So I recently, over the holidays, reconnected with a guy that I grew up going to church with. It's going really great. We've known each other for so long. So starting over the holidays, reconnected with a guy that I grew up going to church with. It's going like really great. We've known each other for so long. So starting off the bat, really good. The problem is kind of twofold though, just because we grew up together and went to church together. I have like 20 years of his dating history that I know about, which involves several of my close church friends growing up.

about, which involves several of my close church friends growing up. We're not close anymore, but I did know them and they would always talk to me about him when we were younger. Like, oh, you know, this guy's talking to five girls at the same time or, oh, he's leading me on, whatever. So I guess kind of my question is, is it okay to date someone or see where things go with someone that I have history or know like their dating history and have been friends with their exes. And should I be like cognizant of these red flags from 10 years ago, I guess like his 15 year old self's 10 red flags. Yeah.

I mean, he's 15 when this happened. Doesn't mean he's different. He's. Yeah, I mean, he's 15 when this happened. Doesn't mean he's different. He's still young. I mean, every 23 year old guy has fuckboy in him. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

Do you think it's fair to go ahead and pursue things knowing these were really close friends of mine? They're not close friends anymore. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how many high school people listen to this podcast, but high school doesn't matter when it comes to your adult love life. It's just insignificant. I mean, if you're lucky enough, you got a broken heart in high school and you dealt with your first broken heart in high school because that taught you a little bit about loss and moving on. But other than that, I wouldn't.

Yeah. Do you think I need to reach out to them? You don't even talk to them. Who gives a shit? Yeah. I mean, other than like, were you worrying about them gossip? I mean, yeah, who gives a shit? I don't know. other than like were you worrying about them guys i mean like how yeah who gives a shit i don't you're not even friends with them who cares yeah yeah that's fair i think part of me is like really worried because i was always telling these

friends oh you know just just block him and move on and like he's he's trash you know have you talked to him about this like i have like i have. You can do this playfully too. Be like, I don't know. You're kind of a player at 15. Yeah. Yeah. I have. And he's said similar things like, oh, well, I heard some stuff about you when you were 15.

You dated one of my friends when you were 15. So I guess. That was his response? It wasn't an acknowledgement of his behavior. I mean, I think it was kind of like joking back, but yeah, we have, we have discussed like, but has he acknowledged any behavior that he wouldn't would do differently as an adult now? Yeah. And we've talked about like those three individual relationships seriously and been like, I was like, Hey, like I heard this happened with this person. And he's like, yeah, you know, like

I, I really screwed up with that one. And I was, you know, being 16 year old boy and I was dumb, but that's not who I am now. And I just don't want to fall victim to the sweet talk, you know? So take it slow. Yeah. Right. What does the next step look like for you? I don't know. He, he has been like pretty adamant that we start a relationship. And I guess just with all of my like concerns, I feel a little hesitant to like, just jump right into a relationship. We have known each other for so long. I get it. What does a relationship mean to you right now? Maybe I need to figure that out. I think talking and communicating

and being there for each other and supporting each other. That's what we've been doing. We text all day and then have a phone call at night and kind of catch up about our highs and lows of the day and different things like that. So it's been really good. I've just been scared to fall.

Are you talking to other guys? Not as seriously as this. But you are? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. That's fine, too.

Yeah. I guess my point is, the reason why I asked is like, you know, in fact you are or not, like what's so hard about not talking to these other guys that aren't that serious, right? And saying to him, listen, we like each other. I like you. You know I like you. You want to start a relationship?

Whatever. I don't know what that means. We can call each other whatever we want. Boyfriend, girlfriend. I'm willing to only talk to you. I'm going to stop talking to these other guys because I want to get to know you better.

But I still think we should take it slow and set some boundaries. You don't have to meet each other. Maybe you guys already know each other's families because you kind of grew up in the same church and shit but yeah you can still take it slow you know I want to take it slow I want to get to know you I mean I think everyone should do that yeah you know any you guys shouldn't be like saying I love you in the first two months or three months or whatever just take it slow you know okay whatever If you didn't know this guy at 15 or whatever,

didn't have all these red flags and concerns, you'd probably start dating him. Yeah, that's true. But that wouldn't change who he was. And if you don't date this guy, the other guys you're kind of talking to but not really, there's some girls who are 15 who think they're fuckboys. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. So whoever you start dating just take it slow you know uh take it slow with expectations be careful not to start planning shit yeah you know other than being like yeah I want to get married someday that That's, you know, you know, maybe ring shopping or house playing or, you know, it's okay to like, oh, I'd love to spend the night with you. Okay. You spend the night, but I don't need to spend five nights with you. Right. Even though I want to, of course I'd want to. Yeah. But I'm not going to. Yeah. And then pay attention, pay attention to how he acts and pay attention to how he responds to you saying no to whatever. No to you spending time with your friends. No to literally anything. Can this young man respect the fact that you have other priorities in your life? Yeah.

What are your other priorities in your life. Right? Like what are your other priorities in your life right now? I'm in school right now. So just finishing that up, big priority for me. And then what's next for you? And then law school is my plan. Law school? That's another big. Yeah.

You got a lot of individual plans. Yeah. Does he know that? Yeah. What does does he know that? Yeah. Yeah. Does he, what does he think about that? He's been,

like, so supportive of it. Like, you know, how can I be there for you? Do you need help with applications or deciding, like,

let's talk about pros and cons for these places. Like, been super supportive. I just, Well, you know, you could say,

is this, like, you know, I need your help if we date? Is like, I don't know if I really need your help until I ask, you know what I'm saying?

Like, and if you want to ask for help, but like he wants to, that's almost like a way of like him inserting himself into your life. Like you need me. I don't, you don't fucking need them. Like if you don't date this guy,

you're not going to go to law school. Right. What I need for you is to like, be cool with knowing that I have a lot of other priorities and so if we date like I need to know that you're mature enough to handle that I didn't know that you're mature enough to take things slow with me yeah you know and by slow means like it you might you're you might you know what you used to say to them there's gonna come a time where you time where you could feel a little bit insecure

with all the things I have going on in my life, and I need to know that you're mad enough to deal with that. Yeah. You should say that to them. It's true. You should say it to them. I'm really curious how you respond. And they're an appropriate response to be like,

yeah, I could see myself. I want to be. I know could see myself I want to be I know that but I do respect and I think it's awesome that you're doing these things and if you need my help great but you probably don't because you don't

you don't need help anything I could do so yeah just take it slow I mean if you like them date them No. Yeah. Anything I could do? So, yeah. Just take it slow. I mean, if you like him, date him. You know? And I say this, it probably won't work out.

And that should make you feel good. Free. There's no pressure. Try it out. If it gets in the way of your personal goals, break up with him. And he's just an ex-boyfriend. Literally the other day, I'm older, right? I've had some serious relationships. I've had a handful of very serious relationships. I mean, there's, I mean, there's not counting any bachelor nation

bullshit. There are three women in my life from my past long ago that for those couple years were pivotal in my life. And I was thinking the other day of how crazy it is how

I know nothing about them anymore. They don't mean anything to me anymore. Nothing. I mean, as a people, I care about them. I hope they're well. But when I think about how big of a deal they played in my life and how little they matter now, it's kind of wild to me. But I only have that perspective because I've lived through it. So you're going to go on this journey with this guy.

I don't know if it's going to work out, but if it doesn't, you will be fine know so don't try to avoid you know figuring it out all right all right i guess i'll put all my eggs in one basket for now well you know kind of you put in your dating basket sure but at any point you can pull out you know just because you're like commit to them you can change your mind in a week, a day, two weeks, people make this mistake. It's just like, oh, well, fine. I'm gonna be my boyfriend. So now I have to date you for at least a year.

No, like you could tell them like we can fine. If you want to do this, this is called probation. I'm not going to date other people. You can call us what you want, but I can promise you, and I expect the same from you, that I'm only going to date you. I'm only going to hook up with you.

I'm going to get off the apps and I'm going to prioritize getting to know you. And if you are down to do this, giving me the same respect, I'm down to do that. And we'll see where it goes. And we'll call this probation. And let's not put

added pressure on ourselves let's not try to all of a sudden play house or be my law school coach or mentor just be kind to me treat me with respect give me space when I need it I'll give you space let's be there for each

other let's not you know and then see where it goes yeah I'll give you space. Let's be there for each other. Let's not, let's, you know, well, you know, and then see where it goes. Yeah. All right. All right.

Hopefully that was helpful. All right. Yeah. No, that was helpful. Good luck with law school. He's way more, that's way more important than him right now.

Yeah, that's true. All right. All right. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Bye.

How's it going? Hi, my name is Amber and I'm 24 years old and I'm from Washington, DC. How can I help Amber? Okay. So the first thing, so I've had this best friend, you can call her Ashley. She's been our best friend since 2015, since I was a freshman in college and so when we were sophomores in 2016 she met this guy and they started dating and he um after like six months into the relationship he started becoming like showing some abusive tendencies like which is mostly just like yelling and things like that and like and kind of like controlling her like for example when I first met her she loved like wearing shorts and like going out and like just going out with us and then when she met him she like totally stopped

wearing shorts like long pants long sleeves only and like didn't go out with us anymore you know that's a very specific change like we're like yeah it was rooted in like um a religion kind of and she even converted her religion to be his religion okay you know yeah how old is your friend she is 24 as well okay how old is he and he is also 24 okay um so that was like in college and then obviously the whole time we were always like leave this guy leave this guy, leave this guy. And like, because I always was like, you should leave him. He didn't like me or her friends like very much at all. Right. Yeah.

So this like progressed, like even outside of college. So now like we've graduated and stuff and she like lives in her own apartment. And like he started, it started becoming like like physical violence you know where he he has like choked her and like thrown wine bottles at her and like she's like bruises on her legs and like he broke her tv just in an argument like the and he like one time they had sushi dinner and he like got mad at her because, okay, so he like kind of gained weight. And she was like jokingly like, why don't we like go to the gym together? And he got so mad at her that he like threw the sushi all around her room.

And like I came over the next day and I saw like soy sauce all over her walls on her blinds and stuff, you know. And she continues to stay with him. God knows why. And he like broke her TV and like broke her like bar stools, heavy bar stools like broke every cup in her house um whatever so after this like episode where he like broke everything in her house she stopped talking to him like for about six months or so like blocked him on everything except instagram to like keep that line of connection or whatever um and then one day in june june 2021 she just blocked me and our third friend of the group on like all social media platforms right um and around that same time like in june she also

moved apartments she also lives in washington dc like near me um and we also went to college there so that's what we all stayed in the area. So she, she moved apartments and I had no idea what apartment she lived in. Right. Like she stopped, like, I have no idea. So now it's been like six months and obviously I'm like super pissed.

Cause I'm like, wow. Like this is how you treat your friend. You know, like, I don't know. I was trying to be there for you. And like, you just blocked me on everything and like left me for a guy who like,

like throws your things around, like beats the shit out of you. Like what? Um, but whatever, I guess. And then, so I've been like,

I moved on with my life. Right. I've been like dating in DC now. And I went on a date with this guy who, um, was like the same, like ethnic background as me. And so like our community is very small.

And so I like asked him, we were just like talking about people we knew in common. And I asked him if he knew that girl's boyfriend, because he's the same ethnicity as me also. So I was like, oh, like, do you know like Sean? I was like, do you know Sean? And he was like, yeah, I do know Sean. And I was like, oh my God, like what?

Like, how do you know him? And he goes, well, his, I do know Sean. And I was like, oh my God, like what? Like, how do you know, how do you know him? And he goes, well, his girlfriend lives in my building. And I was like, oh my God. Like, so, and so he was like, yeah, she lives on the same floor as me, like apartment this, this is my building. So now I like know where she lives now, right? And I'm kind of like, what do I do with this information? Like, do I go try to talk to her?

Do I go try to find, like, do I, like, information? Like, do I go try to talk to her? Do I push her? Like, do I, like, again, like, like I've tried to save her from this relationship so many times. And part of me wants to just like give up because like, she's an adult and she made this decision to cut me out of her life, you know? And like, that's friendship is a two way street. But at the same time, like, I know she's like brainwashed by this guy. Yeah.

What access do you have to her parents? Okay. So after he broke her TV and everything, we have a third friend. The third friend called her mom and was like, you need to get her out of this. And her mom like came, they are from New York. She comes down from New York to DC DC and like I guess gave her a talking to like I don't know she like saw her trashed apartment you know like the mom like surprised her and came and like saw her apartment all messed up and and I think like now she just doesn't tell

her parents that she's still with him like I don't know but her parents like know that he's a bad guy yeah yeah it's a sound it's a tragic story i mean i'm so sorry um but this is going on i'm sorry for your friend i think as challenging as it is i think you need to try to not make this about you and i and i'm right i get that you're not but you know you made a couple comments about like, I've been your friend, and this is how you treat your friend. And clearly your friend is in an abusive relationship. You think she's being brainwashed. I don't know why she's choosing to do this a it's a very touchy conversation too and I've actually talked with some experts about this trying to understand because

there'll be a lot of you know people will say it's not that easy to get out of an abusive relationship you know there's these patterns of manipulation and there's a lot of truth to that but even like I like talking to some experts, it's just like, I think people also, you know, they have to try to hold themselves accountable and, you know,

like, is your friend truly stuck, right? Like, clearly, you were talking to her. She has her parents. Like,

what is this hook this guy has? I don't know what that is, you know, because sometimes people would have to try to, you know, what he has done is isolate, you know, because sometimes people would have to try to, you know, what he has done is isolate, you know, like what he's, now it's even scarier, right? Because before you guys were friends, right? In a true abusive relationship, and again, I'm not an

expert, so I'm communicating what I've learned from people and talk to experts, but as always, communicating what I've learned from people and talk to experts, but as always, people should follow up with an expert when it comes to this stuff. But it's my understanding in these situations that what a true abuser will do is what this guy has done is remove them from the equation of support. You know, they, again, like a true gaslighter, for example, will not only gaslight them and manipulate them, but make them feel like everyone else is someone, like he has successfully, it's seeming like, got in her head so that she doesn't trust you or even her mom or whatever. And then now when he's abusing her, she has nowhere to go because he has successfully manipulated her into not trusting you

or her friend, right? And that's such a sad situation. And so that's why I, you know, try to give her empathy in the sense that, you know, I don't think she realizes, when you say why she's choosing this abuser over this friendship, my guess is she doesn't think she's doing that, you know? And I don't know what she's thinking, and I don't know why she's thinking it or what he's done to successfully do that, but that's what it sounds like the way you're describing it to me, right? Boy, I mean, again, I think you should talk to some experts, you know, get in a therapist's opinion on that. I just think what you have to try

to do is whatever you do talk i see her or even when you're not talking to her like just come from a place of love and support not from place of trying to be right or convince her you know you will no matter what you will always be there for her if she wants you around um it sounds like you've tried to speak up and things like that. As long as you think you're in a safe place, I mean, you can certainly try to knock on her door, you know, as long as you're safe, right? And I don't know if I would do it alone. You know, I don't know where this guy is and if he's truly that bad, like it's, you know, it could be dangerous for you. But yeah, I wouldn't ever give up on her you know even if

she's given up on herself you know i think that's that's something we have to try to do with people we care about have you reached you know have you talked to this girl have like i would continue to if you're really concerned keep reaching out to this girl's parents like try to find out what's going on what do they know my thing yeah like what do they know but also my thing is like what if um i don't know what's in her head right like what if like he's made her hate me and i don't want to like poke the bear like what if like she tried like she knows like she's my best friend she knows so much about me like i'm not trying to i'm not trying to like have something blow up back in my face in that way either. What could blow up in your face?

What do you mean? I don't know. She just knows a lot about me. The guys you've dated, some shit you've done? Yeah. What's the worst thing you've done? I don't know. I'm not going to say it on this whole podcast.

It's anonymous. Yeah, I don't know. Is it that bad, I guess? Are we talking crimes here no i've never i never like committed murder or anything no but like i don't know i've i've like thought about talking to her mom and stuff but it just seems like overstepping to me but i guess i i mean again i'm only based on what you're saying she you're you're describing a situation where your friend's well-being is seems to be in legitimate danger.

Yeah, but what also hurt me is the guy that I met who lives in her building, he was like, yeah, I always see her with him. And they're grilling on the roof. And she's always walking down to Whole Foods and stuff. I mean, she seems to be living her life perfectly fine without me and our third friend. I don't know. I tried to get that guy to invite them out and then I would see them out maybe. Just so I could talk to her, have access to her in a public space and stuff. But scheduling hasn't worked out yet.

It's tough. Yeah. I mean, chances are this guy hasn't, like, dramatically changed and he's, like, a reformed person, right? And maybe things seem good now. I would imagine he could fake it for a period of time. You know, she could be thinking things are really good now because he hasn't lost his temper recently and she's cut you off because she's

embarrassed and she knows what he has done and you know you know i don't know but i guess the question you have to ask yourself is how would you feel if something bad happens to her yeah yeah i feel awful of course so but i mean it's not like um it doesn't i don't know it's i don't want to give up on her but then also i know it's like kind of making it about me but i do feel hurt that she just like has cut me off i think you need to let that go yeah because if she is in fact a real victim, and it sounds like she is, then she is actually being like gaslit and manipulated and she has been brainwashed. And so, yeah, she's making choices. I get that.

She's not in like, you know what I'm saying? Like at some point she chose to cut you off. And, you know, I don't know what he had over her. It sounds pretty extreme to make the choices she did, but at some point she actively, you know, her desire to make it work with this guy. I don't know. You know, maybe she thought to herself, I converted my religion. I have to make this. I don't know what she told herself to make it seem like she had to make this choice. And part of it was her choice, but clearly she is being victimized here.

And so I would, like, it's not going to do you any good to be right in this situation. You know what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't add any value to you to be right or to, you know, be justified to feel sad about. You know, it's, yes,

you can feel sad the relationship relationship the friendship has suffered and you can feel sad about that but i don't know if you should make it about your loss over her safety and i would challenge yourself to to focus on her safety rather than your loss because you'll you have other friends right and you're going to be fine either way you could be sad about it but like if this situation with her goes poorly that could be something that you can't get back so i would i would challenge yourself to focus on her safety more than anything. And then, yeah, I mean, I guess at some point you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

I get that. But like, do everything you can reach out to her. Like, I don't know what this girl has over you. It can't be like, what's the bad, a rumor. I don't know. I've just, maybe you cheat on some guy. I don't know. Like, it's not that bad.

No, I can totally, I think I totally. She talks some shit, whatever. That's my thing i'm like i'm kind of i'm like oh should i just like i thought about sending her like a letter or something like i don't know like because i only know her apartment for now you know um and like i mean she lives like pretty she lives like 20 minutes away from me so i could like show up you know if i were you what i would do if i were your, I would get a hold of her family and talk to their family like you're talking to me. It's be like, she's your daughter.

I don't know. I don't know what you guys know. And I know you saw this, but are you aware of all this stuff? All I'm saying is if she never talks to me again, that's fine. But I think your daughter's in real danger. And so you know what I'm saying you could do that and maybe they know that's the thing they know they know and they just like i don't know yeah her mom saw her trashed apartment and we told her like this guy trashed her apartment you know like they know

and she's an only child like i don't know if that um helps add to the story but like she so her parents i feel like just like let her like they just want her to like be happy in the way that she thinks happy you know yeah so some you know parents can have a hard I I know of a situation it's not like this with physical abuse but you know yeah I know someone who's being catfished and it's so obvious that they're being catfished to everyone and the glue's the mom but the mom is so afraid of like losing her and disappointing her and me trying to articulate the seriousness of this relationship that's not just about her being catfished that she could be in real danger you don't know that you know but it's tough i mean parents like you know with only try

yeah and parents can be afraid of disappointing making you know and kids can be so manipulative to their parents you know yeah um and and and kids can be abusive to their parents and how they communicate to the point where parents are so afraid, especially when it's an adulthood of standing up to their kids for fear that their kids will cut them off, you know? And maybe she's done that. I don't know, but it's a sad situation. I wish I had better answers because it's – there is only so much you can do, but just put it this way. What I think you should do is everything you think you can do at the risk of some rumors being told about you,

at the risk of you looking bad, at the risk – you know what I'm saying? Take your selfish needs out of the equation. And I know I'm not trying to call you selfish, but your human response to this situation of feeling hurt or wronged, take that out of the equation and do everything you think is in your power to help your friend. And it may not work, but at least you will feel like you've done everything you could, even if it meant like putting yourself at a slight disadvantage. I don't think you should put yourself at risk of being hurt. Like, you know, like I don't think you put your safety.

Yeah, you should focus on your safety. I think you get what I'm saying. But minus your safety, you know, and prioritizing your safety, I think you should set yourself your desire to be right or validated below her safety, if that makes sense. And whatever that means, that's what you should do. Okay. And maybe get some help from a professional therapist,

maybe some ideas and some guidance, but you can only do so much. Yeah. Okay. And if we have time, I just have one more question. It's really short though. Okay.

So this is about me. So, okay. Like in about a year a year ago I dated I was dating this guy um we dated for about a year um and we were like in love and everything was amazing um and then we but we ended up breaking up in October 2020 because of essentially because of long distance um because he was in New York and I was in DC and like we were separated because of COVID and it was really hard. After the breakup in October, 2020, we like kind of continued talking a little bit

after the breakup. And then I went to New York in February, 2021, this February, I went to New York to go see him. And then it was really great. Like we had a great catch-up and and he was like I still love you and I was like I still love you like you know that stuff but we ended up we didn't get back together because the reason that we broke up like wasn't resolved you know like we were still gonna be like this and still wasn't gonna work and so and and then after that I was like I tried

to move on but I always kind of had him in the back of my mind you know and I and I was like trying to just like, I always thought that like in the end we would end up together. Like, cause I was always going to plan. I was, I was away in DC cause I was in grad school and I was going to move back to New York eventually. Whatever. And so I always thought like, oh, he's going to grow. He's going to grow up and become better. And I'm going to grow up, become better. And we'll get back together eventually but um then i found out uh in august like august 2021 um he got married

and yeah and um so he's like the same ethnicity and religion as me and like in our culture it's like very like arranged marriage is very common um and it could like concerning his family and like their faith and stuff like i'm 100 sure it was an arranged marriage but i'm just like shocked that like six months after you were telling me you loved me you got married you know um i mean i don't know much about arranged marriages but i don't know if arranged marriages care all that much about what they might have said to someone else six months ago. Yeah, but they're not always forced, right? For him, it definitely wasn't forced.

He chose. He was like, I want to do this. And he's 25. He's a 25-year-old man, single, living in New York. I was like, what is going on? So anyway, my question is, I'm mostly just like shocked right like i wasn't really sad because because after you know being broken up for six months i could say like i'm not in love with him anymore but but i'm i wasn't like ready to get married to someone else you know and so i guess like what

like why would he do that like why would someone like just choose to do that like i'm just shocked, honestly. Yeah, I get the shock. A lot of reasons why. I mean, again, could be arranged. He might have met someone he really likes. Six months might feel like nothing to you and people can move on faster.

You've probably heard me talk about this on other podcasts. We have a way of trying to validate the relationship that's ended you know which is just a waste of our time you know it doesn't nothing he's doing now or what you're doing now has anything to do with what the what that relationship meant when it was happening and yeah you broke up and you both said you love each other. And that was probably genuine and true. You loved them as a human being, but maybe didn't love the relationship. You can love someone as a human being and recognize that as much as I wish we could make it work, we can't make it work. I have some non-negotiables and you have some

non-negotiables that don't line up, but as a human, I love you. Okay. That's genuine. And maybe he found someone that was more in line, not only with someone he loved, but with what he wanted in a relationship. So after the shock wears off, I think you will just move on and accept it. And he has kind of remnants of a one that's got away for you, but it got away for a reason. This assumption that he was going to grow up, people will grow and change, but it's more likely that as you grow as individuals,

you will grow further in part. If you guys never broke up, you would still keep growing. And there's a good chance as being a couple that you would grow together. But once you break up, you would still keep growing. And there's a good chance as being a couple that you would grow together. But once you break up, you're both going to grow, but it's more likely you're going to grow apart and get further away from each other rather than closer together.

And it's optimistically hopeful to hope that you would as individuals grow together and still not together. But that's not realistic. And that's kind of what happened you know so you have to let go the idea that you were never going to be together and the fact that he got married in six months doesn't make it you know it could have been six years it was always going to be more likely that you grew further away apart than together and so

it's not as surprising as it feels it It's just, it's a little fresh and a little raw. And it wasn't too long ago that you guys said those things, but people say things all the time and he could have meant it, but didn't mean that you guys should end up together as a result of expressing words of love to each other. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear. No, it is what I wanted to hear. And and that's why i and this is something i thought about writing in about this specific thing a while ago and i don't know i just like like no i already know the answer and i i don't know i listen to your podcast so much so i was like i already know what you can say but um but thank you for your time happy to help I appreciate you listening

alright well I hope your friend's okay and I think you're I'm definitely going to be fine with your relationship just kind of mourn a little bit and let it go and don't let it

especially the arranged marriage I get that he had a choice, but there is an element of an arranged marriage where people are taking leaps of faith. Right. And that has nothing to do with you. Yeah. And you broke up. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. All right. Thank you so much. All right. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Thank you. All right.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow's Bachelor Recap with the wonderful Mariel Milano. And on Wednesday, Megan Trainor and her brother Ryan Trainor

join us for a Going Deeper interview. If you want Megan Schrainer to mediate your relationship, send your questions in at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. See you tomorrow.

You're crazy.