The Viall Files - E387 Ask Nick - When to Not Take Yourself Off the Market

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Today, we talk to a caller who is heartbroken after her longtime friend has pulled away from her. She asks for help after her friend didn’t make her a part of her wedding, citing that her health problems have not allowed her to be as present as she usually is. Now, our caller has to decide if she should share her health problems in order to be transparent and to try to get back her friendship. Our next caller struggles when her friend demands to be the top priority, feeling competition when our caller says she’s hanging out with other people. Our caller asks when setting expectations goes too far and how to deal with a friend when they give you an ultimatum. Our last caller asks about getting yourself out of a situationship and how to be understanding without being too nice. Now, our caller gets help with being direct without accidentally keeping the door opening by hearting their messages. “The only mistake you made was ‘hearting’ both of those messages” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rothy’s: Get $20 off your first purchase at http://www.Rothys.com/VIALL  Noom: Sign up for your trial at http://www.Noom.com/VIALL  Vizzy: To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to http://www.VizzyHardSeltzer.com/VIALL  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're crazy. of The Vile Files, Ask Nick Edition. I'm Nick and Allie and Amanda are with me. Ladies, how are you doing? I was supposed to come up with more adjectives. Damn it. I need a thesaurus. Fine. It's fine. I'm good. Do you know when you don't feel like you're not necessarily in a super anxious mood, but it just feels like there's like a little like tingle in your body of anxiety I feel like I've been like ever so slightly on edge for the past like five days and I I'd like I'd like to be off the edge well you've been dealing with some yes some some personal change and turmoil you know but it's but I feel like it's resolved itself, but there's still this heightened... Probably not, though.

I mean, it's resolved, but if I'm understanding, I know we're speaking critically, but it's resolved, but you don't know... You know how when you have a fight with someone and then you're like... You resolve said fight or you end things

and I think two people have this mutual desire to be like, cool. Like, okay, it's fine. That's not how it works. You kind of have to let it play out and see if we really are cool. And my guess is your anxiety would be from the curiosity or fear or just to see how it actually will, if it will in fact be cool. I'm getting rewarded for,

cause I know that you're very anti like keeping connections with like former lovers. I'm anti you doing it to prove to yourself that you can. But okay, it's not about proving to myself. It's I have a very quick anecdote. I so disagree with you there. I have a quick anecdote, which is that my power went out

like truly at 11 p.m. on like Wednesday or Thursday of last week. And my ex, who famously lives down the street from me, like texted me. He was like,

hey, did your power go out as well? And it was really like, it was just really nice. Like we went for a little like walk around the block. Wait, so we're adding a different person to the mix? No, it was purely platonic. Like we went for a little like walk around the block. Wait, so we're adding a different person to the mix? No, it was purely platonic.

Like it was purely just like. No, Ali's right. No. No, not a mix, but like. But like this, whoa. The whole point of this is me saying I don't feel emotionally complicated about that. That it was just very nice to be like.

Because that's a, like a, that's just, he happens to live next door and you're on. That is different. Also, it's been a while. Yeah, thank you. And it's also different. Also, it's been a while. Yeah, thank you. And it's also different than me and like, just letting it happen.

He happens to live next door, close to you. Power happened to go out. He was being kind of like, hey, are you okay? Checking in, power's out, anything I can do? That's different than like actively being like, let's be friends. And then insisting, which sometimes you have, like let's be friends and then insisting which sometimes

you have on let's just hang out let's let's be friends come over insist on hanging out with people have you ever done that since you've known me you know in a way of hanging out with someone who i've stopped yeah and been like let's be friends and then you actively like you've actively texted exes hey let's hang out let's be friends you've then you actively like... You've actively texted exes. Hey, let's hang out. Let's be friends. You've brought up conversation. I feel on trial. The vile trials are happening right now.

We don't do it with our callers, but we will do it with Amanda. You brought up, you know how you do this, and how you are being rewarded. I think that's fine. Yes, as time passes and like tensions,

like you and new girl, I have no doubt. No, I think I- You call her old girl now? You and old- No. She'll always be new girl though. She'll always be new girl. You and old girl, you and new girl,

I'm sure at some point there'll be a time where it's just like, it is in fact cool. It is in fact friendly i told amanda i was like i think y'all need a clean break time apart and then re-enter like any sort of relationship as friends that's what you're confusing being friendly with being friends you can't just like continue the transition i think y'all need the clean break time apart that's what i was like well that's kind of about the what we've communicated to one another it's just being like let's give ourselves like a nice little like clean slate

like instead of immediately trying to like transfer this interaction to a friendship interaction yeah so I I think I just I think maybe the the real difference because I agree with you on like the timeline for hanging out I think it is just the mentality and the certainty with which I feel that I want to remain on good terms. All of our strengths are all of our weaknesses. And this is one of yours. Allie, I feel like you had something to say before, like you mentioned having something to talk about. I didn't mean to co-opt. No, I just, I had a little group discussion topic. I had a friend in town this weekend and she was telling me that this friend is in a long-term relationship, so has never been on the dating app, so finds them quite fun. And her roommate

is very much like, gets very nervous on dating apps, doesn't love that aspect of things. So, my friend actually runs her roommate's Hinge account. I feel like it's common with women. Messages guys and then if she deems them worthy of the talking stage, gives the roommate's number. So from the roommate's perspective- Does the guy on the other side know what's going on? No.

So I wanted to get your guys' opinions. Because I can kind of see it from both sides. So I was like, it's disingenuous. It's not actually her at the beginning. So are they having conversations? Yeah. And so the success story now is that this roommate is now exclusively seeing this guy that my friend initiated the relationship with.

So how much, she gets a swipe, she gets to say, hey, what's up? Couple, just like maybe a couple messages and how about coffee? Then I'm okay. Yeah. If it's like- Days. and how about coffee, then I'm okay. If it's like a couple days where at any point this guy feels like there is at least some rapport build going on, then sus.

So it's about the timing. Well, timing in the sense because I don't think much rapport and connections can be made via texting through the app. Nevertheless, some can. It's not monumental, obviously. She's hanging out with a guy. But to the level of...

And so has she not told him? Is that the big question? I don't think he knows that originally it was my friend talking to him at the beginning. But my friend will deliberately even try and drop references or jokes because she knows her roommate likes a guy with a sense of humor. She's really calculated a whole formula

for how to figure out who's right. I think it's about the execution. I can see a world where it makes sense. Here's this friend who has anxiety about her friend stepping up and helping her and she has her best interest in mind. It's all well-intentioned. Like, should I have her do it for me?

I, wait, I was going to say I do pro bono matchmaking for my friends where I run their hinge accounts. But like when I say run, I just mean like we will, we'll like, we'll make a night out of it.

Like, it's like for friends who like have some sort of like anxiety or avoidance or something around dating. So it's like, let's make this fun. Let's make this tolerable. We'll like have a big wine night and all like pitch things like i will like come up with a lot of different lines but like i think it's important that the friend is in the room while you're messaging and has like final say over what this is not this is not you having it on your own phone logged in as them yeah This is like running a strategy session.

A team strategy. Like a group project. Yeah. And you're like just kind of helping your friends, coaching them through it. You're ass-nicking them. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

But like if it's, so yeah, I've been talking to this guy for two weeks for you. You have a date. Here's a list of your inside jokes so far. By the way, don't forget, orange is your favorite color. I don't know why I panicked, but just go with it.

His dog's name is Bruno. Yeah, you know, like then it's, I think any guy could laugh it off for sure. I mean, a normal guy would laugh it off. It could be a way to like find a guy who like take, who gets freaks out over small things. But even though it's a small thing, you're still like, there's that little grain of

dishonesty and if it does go somewhere, it will come back up as to like, remember that time you did that? I don't know. I don't think it's the end of the world. Again, I see the value. I think execution.

What I'm thinking about is like if i went on a hinge date with someone and we were vibing and then later on i found out that i was messaging their friend for a little while what did they share you know like the big question is is she feel is she aware of that conversation what did he share not everyone agrees with me that like they shouldn't be opening up on dating apps like A lot of people spend way too much time and talk about way too much... Emotionally intimate. Things with people they've never met texting on a dating app. I don't think that's okay.

That's kind of weird. I think you need to know when to cut it off, set the boundary for it. But I think the use case, it makes sense. I mean, let's say they really hit it off. What a funny speech at your wedding. If my friend gave the little speech. Yeah, well, it's like, I feel like in the rom-com version of this. If he finds out at the wedding speech?

Oh, God, no. He would have to know beforehand. What a reveal. So it turns out you fell in love with me. Well, I feel like in a rom-com version of this, it's like one time

the friend who's running the Hinge account gets attached to someone and gives them her number instead. Yeah. And then it becomes this whole thing. There you go.

Now you should write it down before someone steals your idea. Yeah, if anyone's listening to this, this is copyright. Rothies! Yeah, if anyone's listening to this, this is copyright. Rothy's, yeah, that's right. The obsession with amazing shoes, handbags, and more continues with Rothy's.

Award winning. Made from recyclable plastic. It's innovation at its best. I have a pair of Rothy's. You would never, it blows my mind every time I put them on. They're incredibly comfortable. No break-in period.

From the moment you put them on your feet, you're like, oh, this feels good. And the best part is they always look brand new because all you have to do is throw them in the washing machine. Because they're made with recyclable plastic, they're just good as new. It's really incredible. They've been making these flats for women for a long time.

They finally listened to me beg to start making men's stuff. But they also have handbags and other amazing products. They have your everyday shoe. The shoes I have, they're like loafers, very fancy. They're like this kind of maroon red. They're great. They're like a great boating shoe. My sister loves them because

she has like the flats and again, there's no break-in period. So she likes to wear them to the hospital when she's not in scrubs, if she has to like dress up. And then when she gets back from the hospital, throws them in the wash, we're all good. The doctor advocates for Rothy's and the doctors are on their feet.

Step up your shoe and accessories this spring and get ready to be asked, are those Rothy's? Plus get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is R-O-T-H-Y-S.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Noom. That's right.

Shavings make a pile and helping you meet your nutrition wellness goals because, hey, there's a psychological approach and it's based in science with principles and it's Noom because, hey, cognitive behavioral therapy helps you understand the why you do what you do so that you can keep doing what you're doing or stop doing what you're doing or do more of it. Setting goals are one thing. Following through is quite the other. And so Noom is helping you get there to meet those goals that you have, whether it's gaining weight, losing weight, just feeling better. Positive habits can be hard and filled with ups and downs, And that's why Noom believes in progress, not perfection, because everybody's journey looks different. 75% of Noom

users finish the program. Noom is grounded in science and it's at the heart of everything they do. For me, as I've always said, the way I use Noom is to maintain. I got to keep that progress growing. I don't want it to go downhill from here. And you really pride yourself because you very much, as you've spoken about, you've maintained your fitness. Do I look different? No. Ageless.

Wonder. He should be studied. If you want to be a vampire, well, it's impossible. But you can get Noom. Which is the next best thing. And people will wonder, what's your secret?

Start building better habits today. Sign up for your trial at Noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's N-O-O-M dot com slash V-I-A-L-L to sign up for your trial. We have some updates for you, dear listener. The friend whose friend's boyfriend asked her for $100 for an engagement ring. We all remember that one. He was like trying to make his car payment in order to afford the ring.

He asked for like a weird amount of money for an engagement ring and he asked the girl's friend. We all remember that one. He was trying to make his car payment in order to afford the ring. He asked for a weird amount of money for an engagement ring, and he asked the girl's friend. So off the bat, it was just weird. So it kind of affected the dynamic. She wrote, hi there. Yes, I was on the podcast about a month ago for my best friend's boyfriend asking me to borrow money. A huge update.

I took Nick's advice on not speaking to her directly about borrowing of money. She was already aware of his problems and me voicing that to her wasn't going to change anything. We scheduled a conversation about my concerns in general where she opened up to me and told me he came clean. He admitted it was wrong for him to involve one of her friends and admitted to everything without me having to tell her. She said it sparked a much-needed conversation in their relationship about being more open with finances, especially since they wanted to get engaged. We recently hung out and did a double date weekend, and he really proved himself to be more open. He told us he had a ring and will propose shortly. I feel like our friendship

is better because of it and our business has launched and we're going strong. That's right. They were, her and her friend were starting a business together. Business is going strong. Having those hard conversations with a business partner and friend was needed. Also, I personally learned that though I can't help the size of my diamond it is something I should be more conscious about when wondering why the engagement ring purchase may have been a huge

deal for him because she you commented the caller had this gorgeous ring and you said that's an amazing ring no wonder your friend also wants a gorgeous ring. Like it adds a level of pressure. There is an element of comparison. And she had never even considered that because she had a beautiful rock on her finger. Yeah. I learned to have a little

bit more compassion for the comparison or judgment he may receive from society based off the ring he gets her and the pressure he puts on himself to get her the perfect ring. Thanks again, Nick. Kind regards. Great. Yay. Saving businesses, saving friendships, relationships. I think we did all,

it sounds like we did all those in that one call. It sounds like we're doing the Lord's work. Thanks for those updates. I forget how much our listeners seem to appreciate those updates. We see you asking for updates.

We hear you. We're going to do more of them. Do you guys like the emails? Do we want callers to dedicate a whole episode? Yeah, let us know if you want Nick to read the synopsis or if they should actually come back. We did a one recap episode.

People seem to enjoy it. We have another good episode for you. Big week ahead. Jim Jeffries is with us tomorrow to recap The Bachelor. Returning Bachelor recap guest. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? Candice. Hi, Candice. How old are you? I'm 27.

How can I help? Okay, so I've been fighting with my best friend and I don't really know how it started. I'm kind of confused about the whole situation. I'm trying to talk to her about it and she's kind of closed, like shut me out of this, of talking to her, I guess. Where do you think it started? Probably about six months ago. I've been going through some like health issues, kind of haven't been talking to my friends as much.

Just kind of going through a lot of personal things. So on my end, I've kind of stopped going to things, stopped hanging out with her as much. Um, but I still am really active. Like I call her every other day or we text, uh, we're still like very, we still keep up to date through social media and everything, but I haven't seen her. Um, I just, I've been getting really ill every day and, you know, I have to bail all the time so I don't really want to make plans just to like have to cancel them if that makes sense yeah is she aware of your health struggles yeah I mean I've been kind of vague about it

because I don't know I just you don't really sounds stupid, but you don't really want to be like a bummer and talk about it all the time. So I'm just kind of, I tell her I'm not feeling good, but I kind of just, I don't really bring it up all the time. I just don't want to. So is it safe to say she doesn't understand the full scope of what's going on with you? Probably, yeah. So she's hearing some version of, I'm just not feeling well. Yeah. So she's hearing some version of, I'm just not feeling well. Yeah. And, and like, so is there a specific fight that your guys aren't on or you just feel like she's phasing you out? Um, yeah. So we, uh, so I, uh, work in the wedding industry. And she just got engaged in September. And she kind of opened up to me early

on that she didn't want to have a bridal party. She didn't want to do traditional wedding things. So I said, that's cool. I love any kind of wedding. I'll be there to help you in any way. And she's like, I still, I'm going to need need your help all the time but in the back of my mind I'm not gonna lie I was a little upset about not being a bridesmaid um she was in my wedding and it's just kind of one of those things that it's not your decision it's her wedding I'm not trying to you know but it still kind of hurts your feelings a little bit but then she reassured me I'll still be a part of the wedding. We'll still plan together and stuff. And then things just started getting planned and she wasn't really telling me things. She booked a venue and she booked, which kind of solidifies your date. You plan your whole wedding around a venue. And I didn't find out about it until

months later when I texted her and I said, hey, we should start go looking for venues. And she said, it's already booked. And I was like, oh, okay. And I told her like, this is kind of weird, like that I didn't know this. Like you usually go to your main people after you book it and you say, hey, save the state. We're sending out invites later, but I want to make sure the state works for you. And she didn't do that. So I was kind of

like upset about that. So that kind of passed, but I'm just kind of like, things are building up. I'm feeling kind of left out. And then I go to her Instagram and she said she made this whole video about how she had this traumatizing experience trying on wedding dresses and I didn't even know she was going to look at wedding dresses it got to the point where all I saw it online like I was like one of her followers or something and it just broke my heart because I had just gone through this a couple of years ago. Like I just got married in 2020 and being in the industry, everything I was, I really thought she'd kind of lean on me more, you know, and maybe I could have helped her avoid that situation, telling her to go to the right boutiques that won't make her have a bad experience.

And so I kind of, I reached out to her again and I said, hey, like, it's just making me uncomfortable. Like I'm seeing things online instead of hearing them from you. And she kind of got really defensive and she kind of brought up like, well, you haven't been around and I want to tell you things in person. And I'm like, well, we talk all the time. Why didn't you just tell me on the phone or in text? And yeah, so that's kind of. All right.

Well, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Yeah, I think this is a situation where you have two people just not really understanding where the other person's coming from. Right? Yeah. That's what it sounds like to me. Sure. people just not really understanding where the other person's coming from, right? Yeah. That's what it sounds like to me. Sure. I mean, she's not here, so I can't hear her version,

but even your version sounds like you're being fair. Busy hard susser, yeah. Crafted with antioxidants, vitamin C. I mean, God, I mean, couldn't there be anything better than a delicious spirit that also has like antioxidants and vitamin C. I mean, God, I mean, what's, couldn't there be anything better than a delicious spirit that also has like antioxidants and vitamin C in it?

No, there isn't. Also, it's delicious. Pineapple, mango, black cherry, lime, strawberry, kiwi, blueberry, pomegranate, papaya, passion fruit, my black cherry lime. It's my go-to. It's what I like. Vizzy also has lemonade heart seltzer.

Delicious. Each variety pack offers four delicious fruit flavors in the same antioxidants, vitamin C. With Vizzy, you Lemonade Heart Seltzer. Delicious. Each variety pack offers four delicious fruit flavors in the same antioxidants, vitamin C. With Vizzy, you can enjoy refreshment now with antioxidant vitamin C. And at 5% ABV, 100 calories, and less than one gram of real cane sugar per can, every sip of Vizzy is more exhilarating than ever before. Amazing. The Vizzy Limited has zero sugar per 12 ounces of serving. Just when you thought you couldn't get better, it does. So step up your seltzer game with Vizzy.

Get best of both worlds, both with a little bit of spirit and a little bit of health. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy, go to VizzyHardSeltzer.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is VizzyHardSeltzer.com slash V-I-A-L-L. To get updates on your latest favorite drops

and more, sign up for their emails at VizzyHardSellServe.com slash subscribe. That's VizzyHardSellServe.com slash subscribe.

Must be 21 years or older. I can totally understand why she might be doing what she's doing, right? For one, like, you're not around a lot, right? She also doesn't understand totally why, you know?

Friends can lose touch, right? And not that there's any fault, but like you not being around and her not understanding why you're not being around, she's, well, then she's deciding for herself why you're not around, right? When we have less information, we just won't make up our own versions why. You know, maybe she's talked with her other friends.

I don't know why she's not around as much. She's like, oh, maybe she's just, she wrapped up in her own life or whatever. Or who knows, you know? She is both, and then you're obviously being in the wedding industry. You have an expectation of wanting to be a big part in helping her. And if your best friend is that, you would think that your best friend would want to take advantage of that. But, you know, there's other variables.

I don't know. You know, like maybe she, I don't know, she has the right to do her own wedding on her own. Yeah. And I know it's personal for you and my guess is to you correct me if I'm wrong but you're dealing with these health struggles you've lost the ability to like go out as much and you've decided not to share that with her. And so here she is, she gets engaged and my guess is in the back of your mind, you thought this would allow you to reconnect or even like spend time with her because you could help her with her wedding. It wasn't so much about the wedding, it was your ability to spend time with her and you could

be valuable to her in a good way. We like it when our friends lean on us and we like to be needed and this made you feel needed, right? Yeah. So I can see why you felt that way. And so I think to solve this problem, you're just going to have to communicate. I know you don't want to be a Debbie Downer, as you say, and you have the right not to share your personal medical situation with anyone, but if you're comfortable with sharing it with her, then I wouldn't worry about being a Debbie Downer and just come clean about, you know, we can't empathize.

It's harder for us to empathize with people when we don't know everything. It doesn't mean it's impossible to, but it just takes a lot. Because everyone's dealing with their own. She has her wedding. She's stressed about that. She's thinking about that. It's her time.

You've had her wedding. You're not being a bridesmaid. Listen, she's not having bridesmaids. It's not just about you. It's about all the other people who might've expected to be a bridesmaid listen she's not she's not having bridesmaids it's not it's not just about you it's about all the other people who might have expected to be her bridesmaid everyone's wedding is different right and i think you recognize that and realize that but my guess is if you weren't dealing with this other personal stuff and you were going out more and you weren't losing touch you would would probably be less frustrated. But I think you're hanging on to that because you're going through this, right?

And since she doesn't know exactly what you're going through, it's harder for her to empathize because she's just focused on her wedding and she's just thinking you're being, I don't know, distant or lazy or whatever the fuck, you know? Yeah, absolutely. I think you need to try to all the like the fact that you're in the wedding industry or you did your wedding a certain way and she was your

bridesmaid you would be doing yourself a service by letting that thought process process go because technically she doesn't owe you any of that it doesn't and it has nothing to do with your friendship you know like you're not less and it has nothing to do with your friendship. You know, like you're not less friends because she wants to do her wedding differently. Or she liked a venue that maybe she got hooked up from someone else. You know, I don't know. You also know more about weddings than she does. Right. So you have, you like, you know, the venue is a big thing. Maybe she literally does this. Like, I don't fucking care. I don't know. I don't, you know, you're, you, you have way more attention to detail about the wedding industry than she does.

So things might matter to you. They don't have to matter to her. And you're weighing that because you're holding, because things have distance, because the friendship has broken up a little bit. You always want to be like, it's always nice when things mean the same to your friends, you know, like every once in a while, like in your, I don't know, maybe, I don't know if you and your husband, wife, partner, do you, you guys, yeah, your husband. Okay. I don't want to say, uh, I'm assuming every time you and your husband, like there are times where you like

unnecessarily want them to care as much about whatever the fuck, even if it's trivial things. It's like, why don't you care about this? Like, I don't know. I don't, you know, it's just nice.

It's nice when you're on the same page with people. Yeah. Right. And so while it, even though it's nice, it's okay if it doesn't happen and it doesn't, you know, you just shouldn't take it personally

more than anything. It's not a personal attack on you. There are plenty of explanations of why she booked a venue not through you or why she's going about planning her wedding not the way you expected her to that are justifiable and has nothing to do with whether she cares or loves you at all. I think that's really fair. I just, I guess is what you were kind of saying. I just, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love me any less. I just, it's hard to like separate that, you know? I get it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, are you comfortable telling her what's going on with you? Are you comfortable telling her what's going on with you? It's a hard situation. Only my family knows.

It's still kind of fresh. It's hard to talk about with anyone. If it were to help our friendship, I feel like I could open up about it. I just don't know if I'm ready to talk about it. I just don't know if I'm, I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to like talk about it yet. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you, are you talking other than your family or talking with a therapist or anyone to help you deal with that? Oh yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Weekly therapy for sure. Well, that's good. Good for you. Well, listen, if you're not ready, you're not ready, but you need to then try're not ready. But you do need to just recognize that that's causing a big disconnect. And that it's no one's fault.

But then that should hopefully help you take it less personally because you know that if she did know, she probably would see things differently. That was one of the things that really upset me when we were fighting is I kind of brought that up I said you know I've been sick and she just like blew past it and she just said like like well you ruined my day when the whole fight started because I texted her right after she got her dress and she posted on Instagram and I saw another post. It's hard when you see your best friend posting these big things. Has she pride? Has she been like, well, what do you mean?

Because I can, again, I'm just trying to understand every point of view. I can see why that could mean a million different things, you know. You know, I'm sick, you know, or it could be very, very serious. And it sounds like it's serious and you've been hiding that from her and you have a right to do that. But you hiding that from her, you know what I'm saying? It's kind of a chicken before the egg kind of thing. I get why you're keeping it from her because you're not ready. Right.

And as a result of you keeping it from her, she's probably downplayed what that means and is clearly not taking it as serious as it is. But that's because you don't want her to. Yeah. No, that's a really good perspective and that's causing this disconnect the good news is is that as far as your friendship goes it doesn't sound like to me that

this is still like it's still there yeah it's still you guys still talk it's still there and

people can lose touch and come back just as strong. And whenever you're ready, I think that will go a long way. And in the meantime, until you're not, just try your best not to take it personal because my guess is it's not.

And my guess is you're taking it a little bit more personal because, well, that's because it makes you, and I get why you are, because you want to be a part of that. You want to be a part of that. You want to be a part of that process, and you were planning on that, and that's being taken from you, and that hurts. I don't know. I'm listening to everything you're saying.

It's hard. I'm a very emotional person, too, and it's hard to kind kind of separate it you know i know um you just got a lot of moving pieces here right can i ask your advice because the last time she talked she said she needed space and she didn't want to talk to me and i'm just like going crazy over here so what would you suggest like do i just not reach out to her until she's ready like do i wait for her to like kind of make the next move like where do i go from here i mean if someone asks for space they ask for space i it sounds again this is from it just sounds like from what

you're telling me you guys are just both operating. I'm willing to bet she has, like if your friend called in, say I'm fighting with my friend that just got married, she hasn't been feeling well, but like, I don't know, like she's always not feeling well, but like, I don't know. She just said she's not feeling well. So I just, she doesn't really tell me. I mean, she would tell me if it was serious and she hadn't.

And yeah, she's in the wedding industry. And like, I know she expected me, but like, I don't know. I had some other person help me with this and I felt bad. And she's making it all about her. You know, I could totally see that version. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and I don't want it to go like that because I've dealt with so many brides. I don't want to cause her stress at all.

That's the thing. I just want to be there for those things. I think until you're ready to open up about what you're dealing with, I think the best thing you can do is just tell you love her and that you want to spend time with her. And that at the end of the day, you want her to have the most amazing wedding that she wants and whatever you can do,

even if it's nothing at all, you're there for her. You know what I'm, but seriously. No, for sure. Because like, correct me if I'm wrong, being her friend matters more to you than planning her wedding. Oh, a hundred percent. But I think that, I think the planning her wedding and making it personal, which I understand

why it might be, is getting in the way of you just being her friend. Sure. That's fair. These always go completely different than I think they're going to go when you're talking to people. And I didn't think mine would too, but it's a very different perspective that I thought that you were going to take. Yeah. Hopefully it helps. I don't know. It does. It does. Well, best of luck. I'm very sorry you're going through this, but. Thank you so much, Nick. All right. All right. Take care.

How's it going? Good. I'm Marisa. I'm 32. How can I help, Marisa? I have a very dear friend that I've had for around a decade, actually. And over the course of our friendship, she has exhibited an interesting behavior. She's a really great friend, but she has a tendency to want all of my attention or be my most favorite friend. And I know it sounds weird, but she does it in little ways where she'll subtly make me pick her over somebody else. Or if I tell her I go out with other friends,

she gets jealous and she says she doesn't like them. Or if she meets them, she really doesn't like them. And especially with my girlfriends, seeing out a lot, we work together. And so it's gotten kind of worse the more she sees me. And usually it's in little ways, she sees me. And usually it's in little ways, like she'll insist on me telling other people that she's my best friend or she'll meet my other friends and she never likes them. And they're always irritating to her and she gets jealous if I go out with them.

And usually it's not a problem. But recently, I had another good friend invite me to a birthday party that's happening on Saturday. And they invited us, me and my husband. We said we were going to go. We replied. And then just a few days later, she sends me a text saying that she's going out for her birthday on the same night and even the text she sent it wasn't like hey can you come it was like this is what we're doing for my birthday um which is very much like her who's but do you suspect that she did it on purpose no so she didn't know that I was already planning on going out with these other friends.

So because she doesn't like them. So she's not friends with them. So any of your other friends? No, she doesn't. She likes her friends, but she, like I said, like, and she's been my friend for a really long time. So it's not like we've been close for 10 years, but recently she started working with me and I see her all the time so we've gotten closer and she has these like weird things where she's like oh I'm a better friend right oh you're

we're best friends though you're not best friends with this person, so she invites me to her party and it's on a Sunday and I'm like talking to my husband. I'm like, Hey, I'll talk to her tomorrow at work and see if she can just move it to Friday. Cause Friday's actually closer to her birthday anyway. And I don't want to sound rude, but she, I don't, I don't know. I just wanted it to work so I could go to both. So I talked to her the next day to her is this is she throwing a party or she's just like you and I are going to dinner so it's a bunch of people going to dinner and then going to a club okay so you were hoping that she could change it but also you could just miss it you know which I know you're afraid I get that she probably would yeah I'm like scared to miss it because the

the backlash that I'll have is weird and I see her all the time at work and like we've actually like taken a break in our friendship a few years back because it was the same kind of like exertion of control and her needing me to say that she's the most important to me it was really weird just check she's like your age no um no she's i think she's turning 25 or 26 okay so she's i think significantly younger than I am. She has very different priorities in her life. She's still an adult, but yeah.

Yeah. I mean. This sounds very middle school. Yeah, it does. That's one of the reasons I. Have you ever confronted her about in the nicest possible way of just pointing out that, like, why are you critical of all my other friends? Have you ever even questioned her about that? I've never said anything like that directly because, I mean, I should just ask her, but i feel like she's the kind of person who's

going to be like uh it's because they are awful you know like she just has a negative attitude so why do you want to be friends with her other than you see her at work yeah she sounds, so she's a very, she's like really controlling, but she's really thoughtful too. Like she remembers all my kids' birthdays and she makes lunch for both of us and brings it to work and wants to sit down. She, when I went through my divorce from my ex, she and her boyfriend were there for me all of the time. Like they lived down the street. They would take me out. They would just say, hey, come hang out at our house and have dinner.

Like she was like the most supportive friend to me. Like the reason she's so into it is because my friendship means so much to her and that means a lot to me too so i know that she has some of these toxic qualities but i don't the other the good things outweigh the qualities that are hard. So yeah. I mean, like replace your friend with like your partner, right? If you're, you know, you, you refer to your friend as controlling, right? These are, you know, it sounds like, yes, these, these toxic traits.

And you've heard me say, if you listen to the show, like the good doesn't make up for the bad. Yeah. You know, often. It can help. And certainly the good doesn't make up for bad behavior or toxic behavior. And so, yeah, I see why you appreciate and value parts of the friendship. But at this point in your life, you know, 32, you got a husband, you got all these, you have kids, you have all these priorities, you have other friends. Yeah. As much as she is, is like,

it's so ridiculous that you even have to worry about this. Right. Like, yeah. Of all the things you have going on and the things that you have as a priority, you know, you meant, you know, you mentioned you have six kids between you and your a priority you know you meant you know you mentioned you have six kids between you and your your your husband you know there's a lot to take care of you have a lot going on you got other friends i just yeah what's the point in life of stressing over uh high school type of drama when it comes to friends you You know? Yeah. And so, yeah. I mean, the solution's real simple. And I don't know if...

It might not be... You know, as always, the solution might not work out the way you hope because you hope you can salvage this friendship because there's parts that you value despite some of this kind of toxic behavior. The only way to get what you hope is to still be willing to lose it.

And that is to politely... Ideally, this wouldn't happen around her birthday because she's going to make it about her. She has an expectation of how she thinks you should act. And that's definitely not the best time to try to... because it's not just about the situation, right? Correct. So ideally you would have this conversation with her like on some random Wednesday and just say, Hey, listen, can we, can we go grab some lunch? And you say, I love you. You have been such a good friend to me. When you were there for me during my divorce, it meant a lot. But I want to talk to you about something. And I don't need you to necessarily like all the other people I'm friends with.

But they are my friends. I care about them as well. We're too old and too mature, the both of us, to sit there and rank friendships, best friends or whatever. These are all important people. And I'm not asking you to be friends with them. But when you criticize them and you belittle them, that not only makes me want to defend them, you're speaking about my friends. And I choose to be with your friend and you're a reflection of me and so are these other people that you are talking shit about

and I don't want that more importantly it's silly that you make me we're both adults it's silly that you make me feel like I have to choose between you and my other friends there should be no choice.

And it's a silly. And I would love for you to become friends with my friends so I can see more of you. If you don't want to do that, that's fine. But I would appreciate you not talking shit. And if you don't want to be friends with my friends as much, there will be times where they're also a priority. And they're not making me choose. And quite fairly, if we're being real here, I have my husband, I have my kids. They're the only people that I'm ride or die with. We're friends. And I hope to be friends with you until we're 90.

But if you're going to make it, why do you do this? Just ask her why. She might get defensive. She might be mean. but if you're going to make it, why do you, why do you do this? Like just ask her why, you know? Yeah. She might get defensive. She might be mean. I don't know how she's going to react to that, but that's the only way. It sounds like you don't have a lot of optimism, but. Yeah.

She, she's just, I don't, I mean, there's a reason I haven't done it because like, it's scary. And the reason we stopped being friends for a couple of years, because I did go to her and I did tell her, I'm like, Hey, like, I feel a lot of pressure in our friendship. And I feel like, what does she say to that? She said it was my fault for feeling that way. And that all she ever does is be nice and take care of me and how many things she's ever done for me. And I didn't talk to her for over a year after that conversation. When you guys started talking,

did you just pretend that you didn't talk for, that you didn't talk for a year? I mean, when you point it out like that, it sounds really silly, but yes. It was like one of those things where it was just like her boyfriend was like, I'm having a surprise birthday party for her.

Why don't you just come? And it was just like, I showed up and we slowly started becoming better friends again. but she'll make jokes about it about like when we broke up and she's like it was all marisa's fault i was trying to i was just trying to be this way or take care of her and she just wouldn't listen to me or something like that so well at least she remembers so there's yeah no she doesn't yeah she doesn't agree she has a kind of a from again i'm only hearing your story i'm not suggesting yeah uh but she

seems to have a very disillusioned point of view on on why i mean she sounds like a classic selfish person i don't know i mean she makes the the frustrating part I feel like in any relationship friendships or romantic relationships is when people try feelings it's just such a tricky thing because we want to validate our partners or friends feelings you know people we all have a right to feel the way we do, right? Those are valid. But what happens when people's feelings are selfish or inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings? Yeah. Like they're called narcissists.

And I'm not suggesting your friends are narcissists. I have no idea. I'm just saying like, it's a very fine line. I mean like, well, this is how I feel. You didn't validate my feelings me me me me me me me me meanwhile they're just like but they're my feelings and i have a right to feel the way i do yeah it's my birthday it's my day like that's her so if you feel like you've sincerely tried to empathize with her feelings and you have really tried to like give her the benefit of the doubt

and give her that kind of long leash of like, I'll just put up with her because she's hard to deal with, but now you've had enough. It's just to once again, try to have that conversation. And it'd be fair to remind her, be like, listen, I don't want to lose you as a friend like I did before. Right. I don't want to lose you as a friend like I did before. Right. But like before, if you are unwilling to consider that your actions are playing a role in this, and even though you feel the way you do,

you still might not be right. And also, your feelings don't disqualify my feelings. That's the problem with feelings sometimes. We immediately think that our feelings are more valid and more important than the other person's feelings. Right. I feel lied to. I feel misled. I feel like you shouldn't have said that or you should have done that. Well, what about the other person and how about they feel and their point of view. Yeah. Yeah. And she's very assertive

and I'm very much like a people pleaser. So I think that's one of the reasons like she likes me as well because I don't really love confrontation like that. And so I most of the time just go along with it. And I think like I've helped like develop the person that like the French the friend that she is to me I guess sure I mean like if you're being hard on yourself yeah she's taking advantage of your kind of more demure and passive approach to this friendship.

Yeah. But you drew a line in the sand once before. Yeah, that's true. As far as this particular party, it's tough because this conversation most likely won't go well regardless. And I almost certainly won't go well when her birthday is involved. I mean, selfish people and their birthdays are a goddamn nightmare. Do so. When is this?

When is this party? When is this party? It's on Saturday. They're both on Saturday. So, so she honestly, like I've kind of talked to her about it. I'm like,

Hey, like what if I went to your party and then to the other party? And she's like, don't even come to my party. If you're just going to leave, don't even come. She gave you an answer. Oh, man.

She's a bully. The way you're describing, you're describing someone who you're sitting here trying to negotiate with someone quite frankly, you just didn't have to negotiate. It's real simple. Hey, I'd love to come to both. So-and-so asked me first. I didn't think you'd throw it this weekend. I found out. Obviously,

I want to come to both. If you are unwilling to have me do that, I will respect your choice. I don't want to do that. I want to do both, but I have other friends. If you are unwilling to respect that, that's on you. I mean, it's like... Yeah. You're right. I shouldn't play into her. It's truly... I mean, she's being ridiculous. It's childish at best, and it's really toxic and controlling at worst.

And just because she's been there for you doesn't justify owning you or controlling you. Yeah. Yes, that is true. It has these residents of this toxic partner who feels like if I take you on trips or I do this for you and I was there, then you aren't allowed to do it. I control you. Yeah. Yeah, she does make me feel that way. Yeah, you're right. is there then you aren't allowed to do you you know i don't control you and like that's yeah yeah she does make me feel that way yeah you're right i'd call her up and i'd say hey you know i love you here's the situation okay so and so asked me first she's cool with me doing both i'd

love to do both if you are you are you real are you real? Are you serious about me not coming at all? If I, if I do both. And if she says yes, be like, okay, well, I'm sorry,

but I won't be making it to your birthday party. Then I hope we can get together and celebrate your birthday at another time. And I'd love to sit down and talk about things with you. I'd be kind of cryptic almost like you're tight. You know what? We need to talk. Give her the, we need to talk.

Now's not the time, but you know, and if she wants to throw a temper tantrum and cut you off and then, then clearly like she's not that good of a friend, you know, then the, then the, I was there for you during the divorce

wasn't this selfless act. It was a way for her to get an IOU. Yeah, okay, I can do that. My opinion, my advice would be to call her today and tell her what you're planning on doing and reconfirm if she means what she said, that if you're unwilling to do both, then you shouldn't come at all. And then if she does, then you say, okay, well, I'm sorry.

Then I won't be making it to your birthday party. I hope that we can celebrate it another time. And when we do, I'd like to talk to you about some other things. Okay. And if she tries to get into it with you, don't. Yeah. I'm running out the door. I got some things to do, the kids, whatever.

But like, if you change your mind about your party, let me know. But this is how it's going to be. Yeah, no, I think that's totally fair. And then it's her decision. Like I've offered you a solution. And if she gives you the text... If you don't want any of it, then don't have it. And if she texts you whatever the fuck,

maybe me, like, how could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You just say, Betty. I always like making a random... Great name. It's a great name for her random great name I love you

I value our friendship but you are not the only priority in my life nor should you be or I to you but that doesn't mean we can't be very close and there for each other

but what you're asking of me is not fair to the other people i also value in my life and that's totally true and that is something that i really feel like i should say out loud to her balls in her court you know like yeah no is. You'll be fine, right? You clearly have other friends. Yeah. You know, you feel... It would suck. I feel like with her, if something does happen and she's like,

blah, and freaks out, it'll be a thing again where she doesn't talk to me for a while. And then if we would reconnect, then I feel like I would have to be more upfront with her and make her what's the point of all these issues it sounds so if she breaks up with me again we should just

stay broken up yeah it's such a waste you're right she's an energy sucker yeah you know yeah yeah and she was not there for you for you she was She was there for you, for her. It sucks to hear that though. You know? Because she was, I don't know. I mean, it wasn't completely selfless and nothing really in this world is, but she definitely. No, I feel like it was for her.

It was more selfish than she would ever admit or like to believe. I think so too. That doesn't mean you can't like, I wouldn't spend a lot of energy being like oh why did you that was all fake oh yeah it just it was

a while free you from any guilt of of whatever she did for you yeah that's true I shouldn't people let her hold it over my head people get to hold people hostage with

their you know acts of service or their love whatever you know whatever service or whatever they do for you. Their generosity is not something they can write an IOU for. That's not how friendships work. I'm doing this for you because I care and love you. It's a selfless act. And then you kind of do the same. Right.

And you don't tell somebody they are owing you because of do the same and if you know you have right and you don't tell somebody they are owing you because of what they've done for you which she has a tendency to do that too she's a bully surprise yeah all right okay good luck i'm sorry you're going through this but uh there is a clear answer to this problem yes yes yes it is an easy answer okay so i'll call her up and see what she wants to do and we'll see what happens all right yeah expect a temper tantrum oh yeah yep stay on your ground don't apologize i won't say sorry. Okay. All right.

I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let us know. All right. All right. Take care. Bye-bye.

How's it going? Good. How are you guys? Good. What's your name? I'm Anna. I'm 23 and I'm from Georgia. What's up, Anna?

From Georgia? How can I help? I guess I think I'm in a situation ship, but I'm not really sure the guidelines that would consider that to be. Well, if you think you are, the chances are you are. Are you having sex? Yes. Have you been hanging out for an extended period of time?

Yes. Are you in a relationship? No. You're in a? Yes. Are you in a relationship? No. You're in a situation-ship. There you go. That was simple. All right, bye. Have a good day.

I'm just kidding. All right, what's up? Tell us about it. So I guess I met him in a bar downtown around early November. What part of Georgia? Athens, Georgia. Go Dawgs. Go Dawgs.

Yeah, congratulations. But we met in a bar downtown. How old is this gentleman? He's 22. So he's a little less than a year younger than me. A bit your age. We met in a bar downtown, exchanged numbers. He lives three hours away, so

he only comes back to Athens on special occasions, big games, stuff like that. So we exchanged numbers. He was going to come back again next weekend for another Georgia game. And we agreed to meet up at the same bar. We met up

and I took him home. We did not have sex and after that he left the next morning we continued to talk every single day for about two weeks and then he came back to Athens we spent the whole weekend together we went on dates we did a lot of things. We ended up having sex after the third time. But we hung out. He would drive like three hours every single weekend or every other weekend to see me. We spent a lot of time together. And so eventually, after like two and a half months, three months of doing that,

two and a half months, three months of doing that. I sent him a text because I was too big of a, I don't know, to do it in person. I was nervous. I was scared. So the text, if you do want me to read the text, I think I sent it to you guys. I said, hey, sorry, this is abrupt, but it's been on my mind and I should have said something in person, but I was really fucking nervous, and I'm not sure when I'll see you next. I really like hanging out with you, and I'd like to continue doing that, but I want to make sure we're on the same page. I don't want to see anyone else or have sex with anyone else, and also, I know we live pretty far from each other, so that makes things a little difficult, but I just wanted to see where you were at. If this isn't something you want, then I think it's probably best if we don't see each other anymore. He took an hour and 45 minutes to respond. He has a job that he works like on a line somewhere, like in a warehouse at really odd specific times okay all right i was

just noting the time i'm not necessarily good or bad i was very very yeah i mean immediately you would love an immediate response but yeah i sat there for quite an hour and 45 minutes given in the middle of the day it's fine he writes back hey sorry i couldn't respond at work. The breaks aren't long enough for a good response. Okay. Not that he. I understand you. I really like hanging out with you. I feel like we click very well.

Really well. Really well. I personally just don't want anything serious right now. I feel with how busy I am, I couldn't give you enough time or attention. I do really like you though and would want to continue to hang out. First, I want to applaud you for your first message. Not easy to do, but you put yourself out there and you set some boundaries. You said, I don't want to uh do this anymore he replied back with what every fuck boy replies back and by fuck boy i mean like hey he's he's gonna try to keep they always try

to keep the status quo yeah uh let's see how you responded i get that i wasn't this is where i kind of messed up i feel like so i get that i wasn't necessarily looking for something serious either but i know if i put any more time and energy into this that's what i'll want i don't want to hold you back or push you to do anything you don't want so it's probably best we don't see each other anymore. Beautiful. Amazing response. You were chill, you were cool, but you stuck to your boundary. Yes, I did. I did. How did it go? He said, I feel the same way. I really do like hanging out with you. I just think with school, work, and distance, it would be hard to commit to something I hope it's no hard hard feelings though you're a great person as and cool as hell and I said I agree no hard feelings at all

if you're ever in Athens you know you have a place to stay winky face and he said I'll definitely let you know whenever I'm around Athens which will probably be around New Year's let me know if you're in the only the only thing you made is you fucking hearted both those messages. Well, I was done after that point. I was just like, okay. But I just wish you would have not responded to those. Well, yeah. Listen, it's a solid

performance, but you definitely did not ace the test. You got like an A-. Okay. Because all he saw those hearts as I'm definitely gonna hit her up and she'll give in

and that's exactly what happened so sorry I'm not no it's okay it's okay this is my vanity enjoying being right

I apologize no you're fine I get it so some time passed he came to Athens to hit you up and you had some sex

well I like didn't speak to him for You're fine. I get it. So some time passed. He came to Athens to hit you up and you had some sex. Well, I didn't speak to him for, I guess, three weeks. For me, it's pretty easy for me to detach. I was not heartbroken over this guy. I moved on pretty quickly. Which is an appropriate response. You didn't know a ton about him. You were excited at him.

Listen, I loved everything that you were doing up to that point because you knew that you liked him you weren't obsessed with him you weren't like this is my guy you're just like i fucking like him and i know enough that i want to get to know him more and i don't want to sleep with other people and what you did is amazing and i hope you keep doing it in the future with other people because eventually you'll get what you want and you will not waste your time yes so he texted me on um christmas and he was just like merry christmas hope you and the fam are doing okay blah blah and i was like yeah thanks merry christmas to you too he tried to make like a little small talk and I just didn't respond after a few short messages. And another two weeks goes by, the big national championship is coming up. And he texts me and he's like, you should come to my house and watch the national championship with me. And at first I was hesitant, but of course I gave in and I went there and it was great. We spent the whole weekend together.

It felt different from the times that we had hung out before. It was a little more intimate and just, it felt different. I don't know if that's just like in my head. And so we spent the weekend- Probably a combination of it being your head and he probably stepped up a little bit more. He really fuck boyed you. Yeah, yeah. So I left left he came

back to Athens that next weekend same thing over again we went to like a few parades for like the celebration and stuff

go back after that different glorious playing house weekend did you try to set any new boundaries or you just kind of

I'm just going to leave a good thing alone I that's I was just going to going to leave a good thing alone? I was just going to do that, leave a good thing alone. And I knew that that was probably, I had already put myself in a bad position going there to begin with. And I was going to just leave and leave it at that. We had sex. We had a great weekend. That was really it. Still no like crazy feelings for this guy. I was fine. And then he comes back the next weekend. We pretty much do the same thing over again.

And that brings us to present time. And we're still talking every single day. And he wants me to come help him decorate his apartment that he's moving into. He keeps making plans for summer. He keeps saying, we should do this. We should do this. And at this point, I'm not super emotionally invested

into this guy. I could do the same thing. Have you taken yourself off the market? No, no. You're still dating? That's the thing, yes. I could do this. Have you, uh, have you taking yourself off the market? No, no. You're still dating. That's the thing. Yes. I'm still dating. Like I'm seeing other people and all the nine yards. But when I am with this guy, like I do like him.

I enjoy spending time with him more than I do anyone else that I'm seeing. And if there was the possibility that he changed his mind and maybe did want to see what could happen, I would want to do that. But I just don't know if that's what he wants. I have this chapter in my upcoming book. I love plugging it now. There's a part where I talk about situationships and I talk about the don'ts of a situation. And one of them is faking it till you make it.

And that's what you're trying to do, which everyone does in situationships. Most of them will try to fake it till they make it and take themselves on the market. At least you're not trying to take yourself off the market. So good for you for not doing that. But faking it till you make it and take themselves on the market. At least you're not trying to take yourself off the market. So good for you for not doing that. But faking it till you make it will never work in a situation ship. You're always like people in your position, you're the hopeful person in this one. And you're thinking, I'll just show them how great we can be. And you take any affection or any moment that you enjoy as a sign of maybe him

coming around and maybe him seeing what you see. And it makes sense logically. I get it. But all you are doing is every time you've hung out with him since this conversation that you really did a great job other than the hearts is every time now you sleep with them and hang out with them and decorate as bullshit or whatever you were saying you're right I definitely don't care about the boundary I set you definitely don't need to commit to me I'm going to keep being all the aspects of a girlfriend that you enjoy without asking you without requiring you to do anything that you don't want to do? Right. Why would anyone want to do that? Yeah. I think what confuses me most about the situation

is we do live three hours away from each other. So why would he keep driving three hours away every single weekend, every other weekend to see me, talk to me all day, every day if he just wanted to be a fuckboy and have sex with me? Because you're pleasant to be around. And he likes having sex with you. And you're not annoying. And he likes certain aspects of what a girlfriend would mean. And he is getting all the good without requiring any sacrifice or anything you know yeah like sometimes nai likes to do some shit that i wouldn't do if i didn't have a girlfriend

but i do it because she's my girlfriend and it's not all about me or what i want and you know there are i guess women that i know or from my past that I suppose if I were single, I would talk to or be friends with or even maybe hook up with if I was single, but I don't because I have a girlfriend and we're in a committed monogamous relationship. And you know what I'm saying? So your feeling is so relatable, but it makes no sense. It's, you know, I, I, I know that I knew that's what you were going to say. And I already knew that in my head. I guess I'm just, I don't want to sound like I'm beating a dead horse by bringing up the

conversation. You don't need to bring it up again. You don't. Here's what you do. Is that uh in a way kind of yes listen you're not his girlfriend i'm not saying you fall off the map but you can become a less reachable and i get it like people like the the common like you right now you're playing games with yourself would you agree because when i'm about to suggest you do some people like oh well now, you're playing games with yourself. Would you agree? Because what I'm about to suggest you do, some people are like, oh, well, I don't like playing games. I don't like playing games. You are playing games with yourself. You going to the national, like watching

the game with him and hoping that he would just magically change his mind and want to expect more from himself for no reason, even though you're giving him everything he already wants for free, is playing games with yourself. So if anyone's playing games, that's you. So all you need to do is just be less available, less reachable, and more honest. And what if in the case he, when I start acting different and distance myself, he does by chance come to his wits and change his mind. In that case. like, hey, no, he needs to be like, I want to be with you. He doesn't get to call you up and be like, let's talk. And I just want to see you more. He doesn't get to make more excuses. Listen, he lives three hours away. He has a job. He's kind of busy, whatever. It doesn't matter. He'll make it work for someone he wants to make it work with. And maybe it is you because sometimes,

once in a great while, one person needs a kick in the pants. It doesn't happen often and it's probably not you, but it's possible. But just set boundaries. You know what I'm saying? All you really need is some willpower. And you need to, if he does come back, you need to visualize what your expectations of that because it can't just be come over it's like no hey I'm sorry you're right he doesn't get to accuse you of anything he doesn't get to be like why are you acting like this

never apologize for making other people a priority just be super chill and just remind him whenever he challenges you what are you talking about? You don't want to, you're busy, man. It's cool. It's cool. It's fine. And if he says, I realize how much you mean to me and I don't want to lose you and I'm willing to make the sacrifice, you give him a shot. And just know that in the first few months,

I don't want to say walk on eggshells, but don't get too excited because this might be a reaction to not getting what he wants. I just kind of wanted, if he ever did want to come, if he was ever in Athens, I would have loved for him to come over just for sex. I can separate sex. No, you can't. Nope, you can't. Nope, you cannot. Maybe you're right. I know I'm No, you can't. Nope, you can't. Nope, you cannot. Maybe you're right. I know I'm right.

You can't. And don't even try to pretend to want to be that person. You know, your first message was great. You were vulnerable. You put yourself out there. That was the truth. I know I'm going to start liking you. I know I'm going to develop feelings for you.

And that's the truth. You're compromising with yourself right now. You're trying to convince yourself you're capable of doing something else because you can't have all of them. So you're trying to negotiate with yourself on, well, what could I deal with? And the more you're compromising yourself about what you're willing to deal with and how much less you're willing to accept and what you want, then this will turn into an endless fuckboy situation. Right. So I guess... Stop sleeping with him.

Yes. Become less available in your responses. Go out of your way to actively date more people so that when he reaches out you have a date planned with someone else i'm not in the business of lying but if you just kind of like you know be like i got plans yeah i think that would be fun for me sure but just and and don't he's going to ask questions. Never give more than you need to.

So it's like, what are you doing? I have plans. What are your plans? I have a date. Who are you going to date with? First name only. That's it. And then after that, you're just like, listen, it's none of your business. I got, oh, can we talk tomorrow? I'm running out. You know, it's a, some version of that. I knew, I knew this is what you were going to say. And I knew this is what I inevitably needed to do. And I'm not right about everything, but I'm a hundred percent right about this. Okay. All right. Well, I appreciate it. Thank you guys.

All right. Take care. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. Cast with a K. Don't forget Jim Jeffries for the Bachelor Recap this week. More Love is Blind 2 conversations with our special mystery guest on our Going Deeper episodes on Wednesday. Thanks for listening.