The Viall Files - E39 Ask Nick - Threesome's A Crowd

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

It’s time for another Ask Nick! Nick and Sug answer questions from fans about sex and relationships. They talk to a “ten-percenter” who is hung up on checking boxes, an emotional-cheater, a woman who doesn’t know how to ask for a threesome, and a someone whose father-in-law is making her life hell. Email [e-mail] to get on the show! Please rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: OPENFIT: Text VIALL to 303030 SHIPSTATION: https://www.shipstation.com/welcome-podcast-listener/ CODE: VIALL NATURAL HABITS: https://nhoils.com See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of Vile Files, another Ask Nick episode. We have Shug, she's back. Hi everybody. From vacation, she had a birthday. Happy birthday, Shug. Oh, everybody. From vacation. She had a birthday. Happy birthday, Shug. Oh, thanks. We're so happy that you're still with us in this wild world and you're celebrating life. It's true.

I didn't die since I've been gone, which is wonderful. I am still celebrating so much life and feeling ageless as always. And there's so much wonderful stuff going on. I'm so happy to be back. How has it been? It's been okay, Shug. Good, good. We have our listeners.

They've been passionate. That's great. I got to say, guys, also last couple episodes ago, was it last episode? I don't know. I mentioned that it is helpful for you guys from time to time to post on your Instagram our little podcast.

Many of you did. Yes, I've seen that so much little podcast. Many of you did. I want to say thank you. Yes, I've seen that so much. So very nice of you. And then I had Tanner on. We had some healthy debate. Really heated responses. Wow.

Yeah, it's interesting because I think that the audience really does use the rating system and they listen to the show and then they're like, I like Tanner, I'm giving it one star, which is really not the way that that whole system works. It doesn't. I do love our listeners are passionate.

They care. And that's the important thing that matters. It's so nice. For all the people who want to give us five stars, though, and make up for something that's one star, I feel like if we're going to keep

this kind of rodeo going, I need some help. Speaking of help, we had an interesting conversation last night, Shug, that I want to discuss. But before we do, as I was saying, Shug, we had an interesting conversation yesterday about asking for help. And I thought maybe our listeners might want to, might gather something from it. And you were going through some things and struggling with some life decisions. And I said to you, you know, I know you,

you're a hardworking person, you're dedicated. You don't want to come across to, especially as your friends as a beggar or ungrateful or not hardworking. And I said to you, you know, it's sometimes okay from time to time to ask for help. And I truly believe that there's different ways of asking help.

And I do think asking for help is a skill set. It's also a resource, right? It's a resource that we have to get through life in the relationships that we have. And as any- A necessary one. And necessary. And as any resource goes, it's a finite thing, right?

Especially in terms of with the people we ask favors from. Like, listen, I've said this in other shows. If you're calling into a call center, if you have a problem, if there's like a stranger that can somehow make your day, always lead with, hey, listen, I was really hoping you can help me, right? Because you don't know them and you probably won't see them again. You should always ask for help.

People love to help other people. It makes them feel empowered. It makes our egos go, wait, you need my help? Actually, I can help you. And sometimes we say no because saying no is also a resource that we have. And we like to say no to people because it also makes us feel powerful. And so when you ask for help to someone on a daily basis or in unique situations,

instead of them enforcing their power to say no, you give them the opportunity to help you and make them feel empowered that way. I think we have some great questions. Yeah, big questions today. All I think pretty relatable across the board. Very relatable. Oh, yeah, for sure. Very relatable questions of which, you know, I thought they were very entertaining. And then, you know, I think we kind of agreed on the last one. I'm still not sure. I'll have to go back and listen to that.

I don't know. I think we complimented each other on that last one. And still not sure i'll have to go back and listen to that but i don't know um i think we complimented each other on that last one and i think that when you listen back you're gonna hear it like i said you know you had the first step i had the second step well okay all right anyways again i always just want to say i really thank you for guys for tuning in and i know you have a lot of options and uh uh this show is continuing to evolve. I really am excited that our listeners care so much. We get a lot of feedback for stuff that's talked about. For my own mental health,

I try to get a healthy dose of your feedback to try to change the show. At some point, I try to stay away from it. But there are some topics that we've been discussed i've gotten a lot of good feedback that uh we'll discuss in future episodes uh there was a conversation with my friend andrea russet about um how how sometimes some men react to uh to rejection uh of which it's been enlightening. I mean,

not that it's not that I didn't know, but some women and shared some of their own stories of their friends and themselves. And I've read some of them. It's an interesting topic and something I want to discuss. And when we find the right guests to discuss it, I look forward to going in. I just want you guys to know that we so appreciate you guys

being passionate about this show and tuning in and listening. Yeah, that's it. Very nice. On to our questions. Here we go. Well, I'll tell you what. It's back to school season.

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New customers still, 20% off with code NATURAL at nhoils.com. Check us out. Free shipping domestically. You won't regret it. Matthew, how are you? I'm doing quite well, thanks. How are you doing, Nick? I'm doing well.

Thanks for asking. We have Shug here as well with us today. How can we help you? I'm interested in your question. I've read it, but for the viewers at home, let's have at it. Okay, perfect. So thanks for responding to my email and my question. I'm happy to chat about it today. Looking forward to your perspective.

I'll try to keep it short, but I think it's, you know, helpful to have some context of my dating life, I suppose, and how I've come to ask these questions or the question that I have. And so ultimately, I guess, through my dating life, through my adult life, I guess, late 20s, mid-late 20s, early 30s, I've kind of been a person that has based relationships and dating on checking boxes and finding somebody that I think is compatible with me. And I'm a pretty reason and logic kind of driven person. That's the way that I think about things generally in life

and became the way that I thought about relationships as well. And for a long time, that's how I viewed things. And then last year, I met somebody or dated somebody who kind of changed that to a certain extent. I had known her for quite a while and we started dating and my feelings kind of got away from me a little bit. I started feeling really strongly really quickly and I had a level of certainty about the relationship and about the person that I hadn't really experienced before. Unfortunately, in that situation, I wasn't her person or the person for her. And she ended things. And that was the first time I'd kind of been in that situation in my adult life.

And that was difficult. But I moved past that and done well since then. But more recently, I dated somebody else. And so going into that relationship, my perspective was changed a little bit from thinking more so strictly about checking boxes to thinking about feelings and where my feelings could get in a relationship. And the person that I dated recently was fantastic. She had a lot going for her.

We had a lot of fun together, a ton of chemistry. And so things were great. My feelings weren't kind where they I hope they would be out of the gate and I hope they would kind of get there but ultimately they didn't and I made the difficult decision after a few months to end things with her and that was difficult for her and certainly I understood that having gone through something similar so that was you know that sucked and that was difficult on the other side of things. So through all this, and I had serious relationships before those two, I've kind of come to think about relationships this way. And that I think it's super rare now, especially to

find somebody where you're on the same page at the same time, your feelings are in the same place, and you have kind of the same level of certainty, especially early on, I think it's probably more likely that people come together and one person may be there, their feelings may be really strong and they may be really certain. And then the other person gets there over time or they find a way to make it work and they care enough to move forward with the relationship. And of those two scenarios, you know, ultimately I'd love to have the first one, find somebody that we're on the same page right away.

But if it's not going to be that one, you know, I'd rather be the person that's certain and have somebody's feelings kind of catch up with mine than the other way around. But through all that, I've started to ask some questions of myself and started to try to figure out where I'm at and what it is I am looking for and maybe what I should be looking for. And so really, my question, I guess, is, you know, at my age at 33, I'm starting to wonder, have I just not found the right person? Or are maybe my expectations of dating and relationships a little bit unrealistic? I think this is a great question. I think it's a very relatable one. I'm curious, when you say checking boxes, because I think a lot of people do that. I think we have a tendency of doing that early in life because when we start dating, we first, before we really start dating, we have an idea of the things that we think we want based off of how we were raised, what we see our parents have, et cetera, et cetera. I'm curious when you say checking boxes, what are some of the things that are part of your list, so to speak? I mean, I guess there's probably a lot, but, you know, I always played sports growing up. So

somebody that's athletic and active, you know, now maybe less sports, but hiking and things like that. That's important. But that's, you know, that's a smaller one. I don't know why I started with it. That's okay. Do me a favor. Kind of rapid fire don't overthink it just tell me the things that you kind of think about when you were um you know these people especially the last woman uh that you were dating uh you had mentioned that she didn't necessarily check all the boxes but you really liked her and had great chemistry so sure so yeah i mean there's the activity levels, career driven or motivated, a motivated person generally. Kindness and how they treated other people or treat other people is a really big one for me as well. And of course, you know, physical attractiveness is huge.

And then, you know, outside of that sense of humor and just common interest generally. Is that it? I'm sure if I dug deep, I could probably come up with a couple others, but I think those are the big ones. The last woman you dated, I think in your email, you had mentioned that she didn't quite check all the boxes. Was there any one of those traits that you described that you didn't feel like she had? So one that was a difficult one, and she actually wanted to talk about it which was you know a bit of an awkward scenario but ultimately we did have a discussion about things

um the career-oriented one and the life motivation i mean she's gotten there now but she spent a lot of her earlier years traveling and exploring things like that which i really value i think that's fantastic and i i love traveling as well and exploring new things. But just kind of different pages in terms of perspective and mentality, her having spent a lot of years doing that while I was kind of going to school and then moving into my career and moving forward with my career. So that was just a little bit of a difference that created some different perspectives. You know, the sports thing is a little bit of a pipe dream, not something that she was particularly into. But that wasn't there.

And then I think that I'm probably a somewhat conservative person when it comes to interacting with others. Sure. And she's a little bit more outgoing and outlandish in some ways. So that was a little bit of a difference between us as well. I mean, all things that I valued about her, and I thought, you know, who she is is great, just not necessarily this ideal picture of what it was I was looking for. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, it's really interesting. I can't – everyone's different, right?

So I can't tell you what you should like, or I can't tell you that your perspective in dating is wrong, right? But I have found for me personally that you would list build earlier in life, and that has become far less important for me as I continue to date. It is about prioritizing what you want or don't like. I think hearing you talk about the last person you dated, the last person you dated i personally have found it to be more interesting as i continue to date and just grow up is to meet people who have differences i mean nothing you described is a non-starter or something you can't have in a relationship especially like i mean if you have the physical chemistry and you really

respect each other and you and you find her interesting i think to me that is hard enough to find in itself um whether she's a big sports fan or not i mean me personally that's not a huge deal is it nice sure but also like your the your interest in sports and her lack of interest in sports might be a great opportunity to have your free time which you might not necessarily be prioritizing now but you know fast forward three years in a relationship having things you get to do with your buddies and on your own might be something you value that you're not looking for now i get the active part like nothing is more of a turnoff than me than someone who's just a generally lazy person but just the way you describe doesn't sound like she is she of a turnoff than me than someone who's just a generally lazy person

but just the way you describe doesn't sound like she is she's just different and adventurous in a different way i'm like you like you sound like a structured person where i can be structured right so quite honestly someone who uh i mean not not a not a woman i have a good friend his name is dean some of those listening might know him and he is very different than me in that he's literally a world traveler. His ability to literally pack a backpack and travel the world by himself is something I couldn't do. The thought of it gives me anxiety. I find it awesome that he can do that.

Now, if you were to meet someone that you want to date, right, in a similar situation, someone that you want to date, right, in a similar situation, imagine what she might bring out of you in terms of your excitement level that you probably will never be able to do on your own if you're anything like me. There is a balance there. I think the biggest thing is if you are dating someone who has some of these like distinct differences in personality, I think both people just need to be mutual, respectful that there's differences. You know, when there's similarities, it's great because it's like, well, do you like the same thing? Oh my God, I like it too. And you're just like, oh great, we agree. And that's easy, right? Sometimes that you both will then get stuck in your own rut. If you're dating someone

with differences, it's fun and exciting because they show you what you need to do is, again, be respectful. You need to understand that they are not going to always want to do what you want to do when you want to do it. And I really like your point about thinking, you know, a little bit into the future and that having that independence from each other is truly what's key to keeping relationships together. You know, when you're into all the same things and you do all the same things all the time and you never really get that separate space of being you and it gets in the way, you know, I think it really does. So your individuality is really what ends up keeping you together in the long run. I really, I thought what was very interesting was your point, Matthew, about socially how you guys interact and how different you are. You said you're a little more conservative socially

and that she was a little bit more outgoing socially and that wasn't really a match. To me, that sounds like a wonderful match. It can be, right? It doesn't have to be. Here's what happens sometimes when you're younger and you're different, right? What happens sometimes in relationships

when you have differences, especially in that setting where someone's outgoing and someone's different, right? What happens sometimes in relationships when you have differences, especially in that setting where someone's outgoing and someone's conservative, the outgoing person being like, why don't you socialize? Why are you more quiet? Why are you the waffle at the party? Why aren't you like me?

People will do that, right? Yeah, but you get older. If that happens, that's frustrating to be in that type of relationship. But if that person is so independent, they're like, listen, you know, he's just not a social guy. I love him. But like I am. And then you're looking at her and you're just like, God, what are the life of the party? And as long as she doesn't make you feel stressed that you're different, that's the important part. I think it's respecting each other's differences that's important.

So important. And I think an early key, and Nick and I, we're both in our late 30s and we're both single. And we can tell you from up here that those core things that Nick brought up earlier, physical attraction, interest in the conversation,

easy flowing conversation. Kind of it. Attraction that's kind of, it's rare. And it seems like it's kind of it's rare and it's it seems like it's a it's enough it's a hard thing i mean all jokes when you can there's a bunch of little things again i'm not telling you to get back with this girl or vet it out but i think i would explore that too um the fact that you had this unique situation before her that can mess with your perspective a little bit. And I think it's good that you are aware of that.

There's some ego involved in there in terms of you even mentioned there that ideally you would like to be able to, if it's not going to be equal, which it never is, it really never is in terms of where people are emotionally in the beginning. It's never going to be totally equal. emotionally in the beginning, it's never going to be totally equal. You mentioned that ideally you would like to be the one who's more excited and they can get to your level. But like, ultimately, when you think about it, why does that matter? Like, that's an ego part of like feeling like you outkicked your coverage, so to speak, because you are excited and everyone wants the excitement that you're talking about, because then you don't have that fear of, am I settling? Am I making the wrong decision?

But again, you have to, that person who excited you may have excited you for all different reasons that you're still processing. And the fact that you, she wasn't your person and she walked away is, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't obsess over that feeling that you felt and try to necessarily replicate that. I say that having been in that same situation and we're all guilty of it. But I would think a lot about that. Yeah, I think those, I think those are all really good points and all things that I've talked to or that I've thought about myself. And with the girl that I most recently dated, I mean, we're both really social people um just kind of different i guess personalities when we are socializing um but yeah she was often be around and so you know a lot of what you talked about is something that i wonder

about and i know your points about the long term and thinking long term are all really good ones because things do change over time and it is nice to have that independence i guess and uh i certainly you know appreciate that and i guess and uh i certainly you know appreciate that and i think about down the road you know if i'm lucky enough to have a family and raising kids that would be nice to have different perspectives from different oh for sure for the kids or even just like again like your interest in sports and her lack thereof, like free time's awesome in a relationship, you know, like don't take that for granted.

And again, it's really comes down to respecting differences and appreciating those differences. It's fun to have similarities. Yeah. Did you like having sex with the last girl? Like, was it exciting?

Was it great? It was the, yeah, the best. It was the best with the last girl? Like, was it exciting? Was it great? It was, yeah, the best. It was the best. The last girl. Oh, man, you're in trouble. And you found her to be like, you enjoyed conversations? Wait, wait, hold on. The last girl.

The most recent one? The one where you ended things. The most recent one, yeah. The sex was great? Amazing sex. The best? Oh, my gosh. What are we throwing away here?

Hold on. I gotta... Calm down. Calm down. And you generally liked having... You found her interesting to talk to? She interests you? I did, yeah.

Hanging out? Were you two alone with nothing else going on? It was fun to shoot the shit with. Yeah, we had fun shooting shit. We went on a couple of trips and we always had a good time. We both kind of like giving each other a hard time. So there's that back and forth.

So you travel a lot. I find entertaining and fun in a relationship. That's great. I got to ask point blank. Just, you know, small trips like weekend trips or whatever. Those are trips. Point blank. Point blank.

I'm just going to ask. I'm not getting too excited, Nick. I'm just going to ask, why did you break up with her? I guess it really is boiled down to, and I mean, she's asked me this and I struggled to answer it too, but it's really boiled down to looking for that feeling again that I had, you know, last year and being certain about something. And I didn't have it with her and I started to kind of pull away and started to distance myself a little bit. And she probably treated me better than I've ever been treated. And I got to the point where I felt like my pulling away and my distancing

myself was really unfair to her given how good she was being to me. Yeah. You're overthinking that. And your last relationship, it was, to your point, you've never experienced that before. And new experiences will fuck with you and they aren't that easy to get over um and that's good but like this i got some advice recently i'll share with you that i thought was really good that you might relate to is that right now in my dating life all

jokes aside that i sometimes you know the excuse sometimes will be very similar to i've dated plenty of people i've been in serious relationships i now have a more defined idea of what I want, right? And so that I'm reluctant to just jump into relationships because it's like, I'm comfortable with being alone and I'm not trying to just casually date people for the sake of having a girlfriend, right? On the flip side, what I've realized I've started doing more and more is that I've become kind of unavailable. I've become so much like, well, trying again in my head, maybe trying to find that perfect person that I'm not willing to just maybe date someone for a period of time at the risk of it not working out. Because part of me is like, well, I'm afraid of like, well, I don't know if I really like them. So I might hurt their feelings or whatever. But as long as I'm not over promising and I'm not speaking in

grand gestures and talking too much about the future and just being upfront, let's date and see where it goes and really try to get there. I kind of have to give myself a chance to get to know someone and start to liking them. And it does happen over time. I think you put too much pressure on yourself early on and you compared too much to this last relationship and you set this artificial deadline of where your feelings needed to be too soon. Comparing it to where you were in the last relationship and because it's just impossible to compare. They're two different people. They're two different relationships, two different experiences. You probably quit on yourself sooner than you should have and kind of maybe let something go. And I get, you know, you didn't want to hurt her feelings.

You treated you what you're pulling away. Again, as long as you're in relationship, if you communicate your feelings, you could have said i'll be honest does she know about your last relationship yeah she knows we've we've talked about it so that's good you seem it made her uncomfortable to a certain extent as well you're very communicative and that's normal and understood but um you just got to give it maybe some time and stop looking for reasons that the relationship won't work i mean you're kind of going to get in the weeds where you're just going to find reasons to break up with someone. There will always be reasons. And if I may, I think that it sounds like maybe you still have some seeking of truth to do with what really happened with that last relationship because it didn't work out. And the last girl, you know, the last, last one, the one that you feel a little bit hung up on, that you're comparing this one to, that you're looking at your feelings in the last, last one.

And you're thinking, I felt so sure, but honey, it wasn't the right one, right? Like that wasn't your girl. So you need to make that new space. And you really do have to let go of that old relationship. That's not the one, whatever. And there's so many different factors, I'm sure that were going into you feeling that way. I'm not going to say that your feelings weren't true, because you know, I'm sure that they were. But when you hear that the other person didn't match those feelings, it's like like you have to put those feelings to rest because there was probably, and don't take this the wrong way,

but there may have been some delusion in those last feelings of you setting an expectation of it meeting all of those boxes that you've created for yourself. So that means that it's the perfect connection, but it wasn't because it ended and she didn't want it. So you got to tuck those feelings away and kind of throw the boxes away and look at all of these good things that are happening with this new girl and put those old feelings to rest. And when you can do that, you might want to come back to this one.

I think it sounds pretty healthy. Part of it, too, is like, I think that I think that's really valid. pretty healthy part of it too is like yeah no i think that's i think that's really valid and i think that i i have i've seen many ways in which that relationship wasn't right at least of which being we're in very different places in our lives i think i've moved past it it's really just the feeling that i had that i've held on to and i think to a point that nick made earlier i think it may be ego driven and i'm glad that you made that point because it does resonate a little bit and it's unfortunate but um it's something that i made that point because it does resonate a little bit and it's unfortunate but it's something that I think that it's human honey it's normal it happens all the

time let me ask you this I'm be willing to bet that the the woman who ended things with you constantly did this really great job whether it's on purpose or not of constantly making you feel like you never really knew where she stood and you were constantly chasing her attention and validation and all sorts of different ways and you just that excitement that you felt that you you had to like you know maybe you're a sports guy so you probably have some competitive nature in you. And that, again, that is 100% all ego. That is also, that is not what relationships are based on. It's all superficial. But I totally get the excitement of why that was driving you.

And then why that you, it's very confused. You confuse that very easily with real sustainable feelings versus the excitement of just getting someone you like to like you back. And it's a motherfucker. It gets us all. We've all been there, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. But man, if you have great sex with someone and you enjoy talking to them, and you can travel well together, I don't know, man. I don't know, man. We wish. Nick and I wish. That sounds like a dream.

That's all we're waiting for over here. It sounds like a dream. Yeah. So again, we're not telling you what to do or to get back together with this person. Maybe there's things that we haven't had time to uncover. But yeah, if I were you, don't set artificial deadlines for yourself in terms of where your feelings need to be at a certain point.

As long as you are communicating with her and open with her, but really appreciate what you do have. Yes. Stop thinking about what you don't have. And I think you might be on a better path. Praise, praise. Get over that last chick.

She garbage. Not the last one. The last, last one. I really appreciate all that. All right. Well, thanks for your time, chick. She garbage. Not the last one. The last, last one. I really appreciate all that. All right. Well, thanks for your time, man. Take care. All right, guys.

Have a good day. Cheers. I like that call because it wasn't like some crazy story, which we do like the crazy stories, but it's an incredibly relatable one that we've all been through, and we see it on on both sides men and women do it and that that i was certain of the fact that that one girl did such a great job of again whether it was her deliberately doing he never felt settled and he never felt like

she had that he even said he never felt like was, liked him as much as he liked her. And that alone will get people excited. That alone will make you obsess over someone. I see it all the time with my questions, but that's not a relationship. And that's not any type of relationship that is sustainable. And I think sometimes, and just the feeling people feel, when you're trying to replicate that feeling

and then not looking at why you're getting that feeling will really cloud. And I think that's what's going on with our, our friend, Matthew. I agree. I think so, so much. And I think it is in human nature that that chase or kind of like you're, you're, you're not feeling settled or there's kind of a negative, you know, tone to your feelings. I think that you get hooked on it. It's amazing. Listen, if I could sum up what I'm looking for in a relationship is to have great sex with someone and to equally give a shit

about what they have to say when I don't want sex. Poetic. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't want to have sex. I'm not like, I'm not thinking with the wrong head, so to speak. And I still am really curious about their opinions and they make me laugh what I'm saying like I don't want to have sex I'm not like I'm not thinking with the wrong head so

to speak and I still am really curious about their opinions and they make me laugh and we enjoy talking and I just find them dynamic and it's not about you know like oh I'm you know indirectly trying to hope I hope I get some sex tonight right that is a goddamn dream and then again there's smaller variables about you know being on the same page and listen sometimes and more family dynamics can matter and morals there's a little those little things but man if that isn't the dream right there and they travel well lock that shit up matthew i know she sounds great he's like like, it's sum up Matthew's call. So I won $10 million, right?

It's pretty great, but like, I'm really, I would really like to win 15. And I can't even, and the 15 will be taxed. And there's a lot of negative stuff that comes with the 15, but I really want to have 15. The idea of 15 sounds good.

All jokes aside. I mean, we've all been there. I mean, we're, we're, we're fucking with you, Matthew, as he listens back to the call. But yeah. Oh, my gosh. And we totally, totally get it. I think I really enjoyed that call for just how relatable it is for all the people out there.

Hi, Alyssa. Hi, Alyssa. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm great. Nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you. I'm Nick. This, Alyssa. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm great. Nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you.

I'm Nick. This is Suge. Hello. How can we help you, Alyssa? Okay, so I have to give you some of the history first before I ask the question or you'll have no idea what's going on. Great. Try to condense it and then if we need more information, we'll ask questions.

So just give us the cliff notes. Can't wait to hear. Okay. Okay. questions, but so just give us the cliff notes. Can't wait to hear. Okay. Okay. So I had a friend that him and I were friends for, I don't know, a couple of years. We ended up sleeping with each other a handful of times. I wanted a relationship. He did not. So I figured, okay, well, let's just stay friends. I'm fine with that. And I ended up getting engaged. Well, he became friends with my fiance at the time and we wanted him in our wedding.

And so he was going to be an usher. Day before the wedding, he called saying he's sick. He was totally sick, not joking. I knew it. And I'm like, okay, you know, whatever. Okay, now jump eight years. Okay. So I've talked to him throughout the whole thing.

I talked to him through the whole thing. Good friends with him, you know whole thing. Good friends with them, you know, whatever. Also friends with your husband. He's now married. Okay. Has two kids. We, I have two kids and I had a dream about him one night. So I called him and I was like, yeah, I had a dream about you. You know, I haven't talked to you for a while. And he's like, well, what was the dream about? And I was like, well, it was probably one I shouldn't have been having about you, but you know, I can't control your dreams. So whatever. And he goes, oh, so you still have those two. And I was like, what two? He's like, well, you know, you're the one that's always gotten away. I was like, no, I guess I didn't know that. So I feel like it changed our

relationship because now I knew, you know, he always had feelings for me not knowing this. And I was like, well, you were supposed to be in my wedding. What the heck? And he was like, well, I think I got sick for a reason. I feel like I was the one that was supposed to marry you and I couldn't be an usher. And I was like, all right, well. Question, but he was in fact actually sick. You know this to be true? Yeah. But he says he felt like he got sick on purpose. The body will do that to you. The body will. Yes. Okay. But he says he felt like he got sick on purpose. No, no, no. The body will do that to you.

Maybe. The body will. Yes. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Continue.

You. Okay. So we, you know, we're still friends, still talking. Well, I still felt like now we were having like an emotional affair. It wasn't just a friendship anymore because he crossed that path now. Do you feel like immediately now you had an emotional affair because he said that to you? Well, just because I knew he had feelings now. Before, I didn't think he had any feelings.

Fine. We were just back to friends. So once this admission came, had this happened recently? Where are we at now? So now it's been a year. So all of a sudden, one day, I text him, no response. Nothing. So a year ago, he had the submission to you.

Yep. And then how have you kept talking? So we talked for about three or four months after that. And what was that? And then I text him one day, and he didn't respond back. Nothing. What were those conversations like? Just like, hey, how was your day going? Whatever. Sure. Just like normal friendship. Okay. What were those conversations like? I just like, you know, hey, how's your day going?

You know, whatever. Sure. Just like normal friendship. Okay. What is your question? Why would he even tell me his feelings? Like, what was the point of throwing that into me? Okay.

Like, I don't know. I feel like Sugar and I are going to strongly disagree here, but. Oh, I don't know that we are. Maybe not. We'll see. We'll see. I don't, I'm not a psychic, so i don't know that we are maybe not we'll see we'll see um i don't i'm i'm i'm not a psychic so i don't know i can't tell you exactly why he he reached out but i can i'm a big believer that people do uh unpredictable things often when they're uh feeling in their

own personal life uneasy and bored uh the fact that so much time went by, I think, is it possible? Do I agree that the body can do crazy things when you're feeling wrong? Could he have gotten sick as a result of being truly in love with you? That's possible. It's sure. That's possible. It's also very possible that we all have revisionist history about certain things. I mean, eight years later, he tells you that he thinks he probably got sick because he had feelings for you. But in fact, we do know he was actually sick. And I'm just saying, I'm not taking anything away that, listen, you guys clearly had chemistry. And for whatever reason, when you were hooking up, you were having intimacy, those are feelings that

are hard to really control. For whatever reason, he didn't want to pursue that with you. You became friends. You met probably a seemingly great guy. He was friends with them. All of a sudden, you're really off the market. No doubt, he's going to, regardless, it's impossible for him in that moment to not question whether he let you go away, get away. It's possible.

So he's having these feelings then he meets someone else he gets married eight years go by he has kids you guys have families who knows how his marriage is going what it's really going on good or bad and it's just very easy to go back and then glorify the relationship that was eight years ago right I mean it's so easy to think about these things why he did it is my guess is he was unsettled with his own personal life and he romanticized about the relationship he had with you. I don't really think it means a ton. You know what I find interesting and, you know, we'll use personal stories to relate to these things. I had a friend, I've never been married.

relate to these things. I had a friend, I've never been married. One of my high school best friends ended up getting married and a few years into his relationship, I had moved on. You know, I was, he was just a friend of mine and suddenly he was married and he wasn't very happy in his marriage. And suddenly he did something very similar where he called me and he was like, oh, you know, I have all these problems. And we were really close. So it was easy for me to be caring, to be loving, to listen to him. And that was enough for him to think, oh, this is an opportunity outside of my marriage of somebody who will pay attention to me in this special way. You say to this guy who you love as a friend who's in your, you know, he's like family to you, really, if you guys are that close and he knows your husband. And if you're like, hey, how's your day?

And he's not gay. Like, that's an interesting dynamic, too, to me when you're married. So you guys have a closeness. And then you said that you were actually the one that were like, hey, I had a dream about you that was a little off kilter. So then you're opening this door to him to be like, oh, something that's not my boring marriage of eight years with my two kids where I'm in this, you know, rigmarole of just like what life is. And then he has this opportunity to be like, oh, well, maybe she's opening that door to me. And I've had these feelings for eight years.

I want this from you. The fact that he's pulling away may mean that he regrets having that conversation with you and doesn't want to pursue this idea. To me, that's really way more telling than saying something in a moment of weakness about the excitement or romanticizing about a past relationship. Dreams are funny. They really will fuck with you. I mean,

anytime I've had a sexual dream about someone, especially if they're in my life, if I see them in person, it's like, whew, you know, you, you, you know, there was a reason you had a dream. Doesn't mean you're in love with them. It doesn't mean they're your person, but it kind of gets you. There's certainly an attraction there, but just because you have an attraction doesn't mean that they're your person or anything like that. And I'm not saying they're not. You guys both made choices and these are choices you have to now live with. But again, it's so easy to just say something and throw something out there. It's so easy to romanticize about the past. It's so easy to have revisionist history.

It's harder to have follow through and it's harder to take risks and have conviction about the things that you want in your life. And so the fact, I totally agree with Suge, that the fact that he didn't respond means that he's probably not as bored or whatever was going on in his life at the time, that has changed. And maybe it was simply as him feeling guilt and he realized maybe he shouldn't have said that. And he's just trying to correct that situation. But there is definitely nothing of value for you to really continue to pine on. I almost feel like when it happened, though, like he saw the life I made

with my husband and he was like, shit, I could have had that. Of course. And I believe that. And that's the thing. When people say things in these moments, to me, I don't think that it's untrue what he said because obviously

you sound like a wonderful, wonderful woman. If he can see because obviously, you know, you sound, you sound like a wonderful, wonderful woman. So if he can see your life and you're, you're happy and you're leading this beautiful life, I have no doubt that when the idea came to his mind, he believed it. He loves you. You've known each other for so long. He's had sex with you. He knows he can see what this full other fantasy of a life for himself is. But it's not it's not anything that you can call concrete in a in a big, meaningful way just because it's not it's not somebody that's been loyal to you and in love with you for eight years. That's not what it is. It's somebody who in the moments that like, listen, I the night before your wedding maybe he was even like fuck i could

have had this girl and i fucked up and i'm sick now i believe that but you guys made your choices he got married it's over he doesn't get that anymore you know what i mean so it's really important like i listen it doesn't really matter what he thinks and feels but i'm getting the sense from you that you still need to maybe process how you feel about the situation. And I think as a result, him popping in and saying this has made you feel certain things and made you kind of reminisce about the past. I think that's what's really more important. Yeah, and I did, for sure. And I actually, like, my husband from day one knew I had a past with this guy.

He was totally comfortable with me hanging out with him. And now he's just like, well, how do you feel that he said that? And I was just like, well, it's too late. Like I already married you. He's the one that should have came, you know, and said something before. I don't have any like, oh, I wish, or I could have been, you know. Yeah. I don't know if you're being totally honest with yourself about that.

I mean, again, I'm not saying you don't love your husband and I'm saying you want to be with them, but there's something going on there. When you say too late almost implies like, well, if you weren't too late, that's the path I would have chosen. It's just life's full of choices and we sometimes have to live with those choices. And there might've been a previous life where you and this other guy could have been happy. I think you just have to accept that. It doesn't exist. And let it go, right? I think you're spending a lot of time in the back of your mind fantasizing about that.

Well, it just sucks because I lost the friendship in the process. Sure, but like... Now he's gone, I... He'll come back if he needs to, but also like, is that in the way of your own marriage? Totally. Is it like kind of... Playing with fire? Is it a little bit fiery now?

Do you owe it to your marriage to maybe let that go away for a little while? Or maybe, you know, friendships are so important, of course. But it's tough when there's this type of admittance. Like it needs some space, it like that friendship don't you think it's not a real friendship you know in that sense it is a it was an attempt at friendship and my guess is i mean this was so long ago but like great for you to say okay fine we'll just be friends but and you probably can't answer this question honestly not that you're like but like revisionist history like you have to go back, what, 10 years to figure out what, remember what your state of mind was in the present. And

that was probably most of the time when we, if we are into someone intimately and they don't want to do the same thing. And for the person who says, well, let's just be friends. Truly, you're kind of hoping that over time that can change, but you don't want to lose them. So this, you take plan B and plan B's friendship and then you were able to accept it and move on. And that's great. But there was something that wasn't just my pal or buddy. And the fact that you did get married and that's great that your husband was trusting and accepting and not a jealous person. And that's a really fantastic quality that your husband has. I think you are hanging on to this relationship, regardless of what it's a true friendship or whatever. It is a relationship of some time,

and it's probably one that hasn't been emotionally healthy for you and your marriage. And I think you need to let it go. This whole idea, well, I'm sad I lost a friend. You can be sad, but I think you do need to let it go because it's really not doing anything for your current life right now. And right now it's just become something that's a bit toxic and distracting for your current marriage. Do you have lots of other friends or is he more like kind of the best friend? What did you say? Can you repeat yourself? Sure.

I said, do you have lots of other friends or is this guy kind of like your best friend? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. I just, I feel like he's been always there and then now all of a sudden did not have him. And, you know, kind of like what you said, Nick, like I should have never been friends after we crossed that line. I'm not telling you.

No, I don't think so. No. I'm not saying you shouldn't have, but like you just have to be honest with why you did that. Listen, there's no harm here. There's no foul. It's just, it's just realizing what it is and then accepting it.

And you have to let that part of your life go. And I think like all of these years of your friendship with this guy, you know, there was lots of love there and lots of benefits and you grew together and like he was witness to your kids and there's a lot of wonderful things. So don't turn around and say,

oh, I wish I had never been friends with him or I shouldn't have been. That's certainly not the case. We're in the present moment. We're just not back there. We're just not eight, 10 years ago. We're here now. And right now, with the circumstances of what is going on,

it's time to get away from that a little bit. It's really easy to romanticize and it's sometimes fun, but it also can be very dangerous, especially when you have other relationships to protect. happy in your marriage and your husband. And I think you just need to try to let this go because it's been something that my guess is with things in a marriage, you know, there's always good and bad moments when things aren't great. It's probably easy for you to romanticize about this other relationship and other friend and then wonder and, you know, would he have done this? Would it have been different? You don't really know. You don't know the answer to these questions. And you're spending too much time trying to figure out or romanticize and creating your own revisionist history about what could have been. It's kind of irrelevant. You've made this choice. And as long as you want to be in this current relationship, you should focus an

energy on that. And we all have thoughts. know you're that's human but what we do with those thoughts and our ability to not obsess over them and ruminate and keep it going is is in our control well done so totally i'm i am thankful though that he's not in my wedding photos there you go girl yeah well that's what i'm saying for you for you to but that's what like that's for you to say that is an admission of what this person actually means to you. I can see it on your face. When you hear her breathe. Yeah.

Oh, you just took a breath of relief just saying that makes you feel right. This person means something to you. And that's the truth is that he's not just a friend. You probably have moments you even mentioned feeling like you're maybe even cheating emotionally. And listen, be thankful that you have such a trusting and open relationship with your husband. He's aware of this and he can ask questions of what's going on. And he can love you through it. And you can get through it. But now it is on you to accept and let go.

Yes. And I don't think that there's any other way especially in respect to that love and trust and to yourself like you need to respect yourself and that breath that you just took right there and what what your body wants what your mind wants what your heart wants it's kind of pretty clear just in that one sentence it's time to let go and then you're gonna feel freer than you have in a long time. No more guilt, no more extra thought, no more sex

or whatever kind of dream, you know? One more final piece of advice before I let you go is, one, you should be, your ego's bummed that he is ignoring you.

You should be thankful for that because he, for whatever reason, is trying to do his thing, right? And it might, even for you, feel like selfishness and a burn and it makes you feel uneasy. I wouldn't be shocked and I'm going to say this and it's going to make you feel good and it shouldn't, but he will eventually someday hear from him again. That's not a good thing. It makes

you feel good. I know. i said it and i somewhere inside you you lit up and and what you should do is be prepared for that and know that that at this at this point it's toxic and you need to like but i kind of hope i'm at the you hope but even if you're not it's okay if he calls you in a week you're not going to be there well no i hope that someday when he does contact me i can tell him to fuck off at that i love it you will be able to why you will why i i would challenge you to try to get to a place where you won't care to tell him to fuck off listen again i think you will yeah i think you should be thankful you'll be able to say like hey i'm really not gonna go down this road again i think you should just yep you could say that or you could just ignore him. You are married,

right? And I think you need to nip it in the bud, so to speak. And I think you need to try to get to a place of indifference and acceptance rather than anger and vengefulness. You need to accept that you're not in a relationship with him. And the longer you hang on to this frustration and anger for him, that will continue to keep the relationship going. The opposite of love is not hate. They're actually pretty damn close to each other. And as long as you feel anger for him, then you're holding on to feelings you have for him. You need to let those go. Get too indifferent. You need to be thankful. You really need to thank him in your head every day until you just forget that you're glad he's not responding to you. That's he's respecting,

he's respecting you by not responding to you. He's respecting your marriage by not responding to you. He is not respecting your ego, but fuck your ego. All right. So I think that's what you need to focus on. Okay. All right.

Thanks guys. That was awesome. That was fun. I hope you feel, I hope you feel good. This is all good that you're dealing with this. Be easy on yourself. But you've really got to tell yourself the right things,

and you've really got to let go, and you really need to be thankful for him to respect your marriage, and hopefully he's respecting his. All right. All right. Sounds good. All right. Take care.

Thank you, bye take care you too another great call another great call she uh we do that all the time like she's mad at him and it's not it's not the case and as long as she holds on to that anger, she will hold on to that relationship. And I think that's a big takeaway. Yeah, but it's lovely to hear how brave she is in her relationship and in her marriage and the communication that they have. There's no doubt in my mind that they will get through this thing and get by it.

And I think that she will get to that point but i just thought it was i do i believe i think her husband is doing all of his parts i think it is on her she needs to really it'll eventually take its toll to mean to say like i i'm glad that she's willing to ask the questions and face this truth. And that's always a good place to start, but she really needs to let go. And she, she clearly has not let go. I mean,

it's, it is a deep thing that's, it's going on in her head. And if she doesn't, that will build and expound. And then eventually the patient she's getting an understanding from her husband will, will dwindle. Yeah. So, yeah yeah so yeah the dream is really indicative too it's it's really like saying

something um about her state of mind the subconscious does tell us stuff and i think that attraction is one thing but to tell him is a whole other thing yeah but don't you think sometimes again we can have dreams and it definitely lights a fire but it is a whole other thing. Yeah, but don't you think sometimes, again, we can have dreams and it definitely lights a fire, but it is a choice to not like- Talk about it. We sometimes, again, use these dreams as an excuse to like validate our behavior. Well, I had this dream and so I guess it's okay

if I tell him about it and then you let it keep going. But telling him about it is making that dream a thing in the world that exists, right? You personally, you know, we're attracted to so many people. So I think that people have those types of dreams about other people outside of their marriages and outside of their relationships all the time. But when you bring it up in the light of day, when you're conscious, I think it becomes more of a thing.

She can have a dream about this guy periodically for the rest of her life. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. It doesn't mean she loves her husband. It's what she does with that. If she just accepts like, yeah, listen, I had the hots for this guy. We had chemistry. From time to time, I have random ass dreams

about probably all of my exes at various times. They were important in my life. They had an impact. We had amazing moments we had dark moments and those are parts of my life that from time to time i wake up and be like wow yeah our subconscious gives us those nice little gifts but you let it go and she's right now she's having a hard time letting those feelings go she's using those dreams and excuse to to ignite feelings that have been underlying for a while.

Totally. Great call. Hi, Nikki. Thanks for calling. Hi. How are you? I am well. I'm surviving out here this weekend.

That's all we can do. I'm Nick. This is Shug. Oliver's chilling. How can we help you, Nikki? Oh, mine is a doozy. So I guess just, I'll get right to the point. I am in a committed relationship with someone. We have a one-year-old. We've been together for a while. Are you married or are you just a committed relationship? No, just together. No, not married, but together long term.

He's definitely my person. But recently, so going back, before him, I was with someone for a really long time, about five, six years. And he was really controlling, kind of shamed me a little bit if I was anything but myself. So I never really got to explore anything, if you know what I mean. So once I got with my boyfriend now, I felt a lot more open to express who I was. And that has kind of turned into feeling that I'm also attracted to women, which sounds very ironic because I'm a bachelor and paradise watcher, but it is true. Um, so I've, I've been thinking hard and just considering my options. And I just kind of realized that like, I, I really want to have a threesome. It's something I want to experience with my partner. Um, but he is a religious or from a religious family rather and um i guess i'm just wondering like

how do i ask him for this i've mentioned it in passing um and it was kind of met with like oh there's no way that would happen but i don't know if that's just kind of a stereotypical answer of a guy being like oh she would never want that you know what i mean yeah um is that that is there more i mean i might want to ask some questions but yeah that's the gist of it you can question away all you want okay uh well thanks for sharing this is a really really fascinating um yeah i mean uh so i guess just for for starters i mean how how do you guys have a good line of communication in terms of... Oh my God, yes. Yes, completely open.

Do you think he's an overall not jealous? Jealous, secure? Not at all. Okay. Yeah, no, we are completely... I don't think we've ever gotten jealous about anything our entire relationship, and it's been about three years. Well, I mean, in my point of view, when it comes to something like this,

the fact that you are also attracted to women really isn't the important part in this question, other than the fact that he's also attracted to women, so the idea of a threesome with another woman might seem at least more interesting to him than if you were only attracted to men and you just wanted to have a threesome with another man right so like right the fact the important part is you're in a committed relationship right so that's the important part and the important part and the fact that the fact you have this desire attracted to it's more about the threesome than the fact that you're attracted to women that's my point because you're in the

committed relationship but what i guess what i'm saying is you you can be attracted to men and women right but you are choosing to be in this relationship if you guys broke up then you might say oh i'm a free agent and do i'm gonna i'm open the next person i meet i don't know they could be a man they could be a woman i will see who I'm attracted to the most and then you would be in that relationship this is about a threesome right exactly right I'm in it more for the experience so obviously like I said I am attracted to women but that doesn't mean that I don't think he's my person because I do think he's my person I want to be with him but I want to I want that sexual experience and maybe I'm not into

maybe I do it and I'm not into it but I mean I'm never going to know until I try and I just I know what I like I don't know how explicitly we can get but I watch threesome porn and we've watched threesome porn together which is kind of how I brought it up to him um and he seemed turned on but like I said I kind of mentioned in passing, just like, oh, you know, I think that would be kind of fun, don't you think? And he was like, no, you would never like that. So I was kind of just, you know, I sunk back in, and I was like, oh, God, he's going to judge me if I really tell him. I guess what I'm saying is, like, listen, this is about two people in a committed relationship, and one's desire to maybe have more of a non-traditional relationship in terms of how adventurous you

guys are. We're not here again to judge. Everyone's different. And so the only way to do that successfully, in my opinion, is to just keep the lines of communication open. At some point, if this is something you really think you want, you have to, you should talk to him about it. Especially if you think you can talk to him about it. If, especially if you think you can talk to him about it. Right. He, we don't know how he's going to react, but I wouldn't be cryptic and I wouldn't be passive aggressive. I would just level with him. And again, it all comes down to his confidence in himself and in the relationship. He might ask a lot of questions.

It's important to you to let them know where you stand um you don't know how it's going to affect your relationship you know what i'm saying you guys he might think he's okay with it um he might be even into it you know like you're kind of implying well i don't think you'd like that he maybe is like he's worried that maybe you're testing him as a guy you know or like a little bit more right well i don't want to say i want that because you can get mad at me I don't know right who knows but if you were like listen I'm attracted to women and I want this I really I really do I'm totally okay if you're not comfortable with it but I wanted to run it by you but because we I do love you and I we're in a committed relationship so your opinion like there's a way to do that and and at least do it in a way that you communicate with him.

And you have to be okay with his answer. My opinion in these kind of situations is you don't, you have to be okay with him not wanting to do it. You can't guilt him into doing it. If you guilt him into doing it, then I think it has a far greater chance of backfiring, having some sort of resentment after it happens, creating insecurities that they already had to begin with, but they won't, you know, they don't want to make you mad. Exactly, exactly. I hear you for sure. And I think that's why I'm so nervous to say it because I also, you know, I don't want him to say he's okay with it and then go through and then find out like he's really not. And then it tarnish our relationship. Like it's almost not worth it for me to go out and explore this option. If he does

say yes, if it's going to hurt our relationship. I mean, he's always open with me, but at the same time, like I know that we would be able to set boundaries, but would he, you know what I mean? I don't know. I'm trying to say. I'm just worried because we do have a child and it's committed. Relationships are about sacrifice. Again, that's why I mean this is about the threesome and not the fact that you're into a girl is that the reason why most people get in monogamous committed relationships, it doesn't mean they're not attracted to anyone else. It means that that relationship and protecting that relationship and making sacrifices and not indulging into your desires and temptations is why you're in that relationship. And so you're no different.

Again, if you want to try to expand the comfort zone of your relationship, you have the right that other couples do that. People are into different things. But it is something you have to recognize that that's what you're asking for. Right. It is something you have to recognize that that's what you're asking for. Right. I don't think the fact that you're into women necessarily makes it different in the fact that you are in a committed relationship and want to go outside of it. Right?

Yeah. That's not necessary. You don't get like a, it doesn't become more obtainable. Right? It's, you got to think of it in the same factor. Like if it was another, you want to step outside the relationship and for all the stereotypes, I think, you know, with men being kind of like, you know, into that or like hooking up with like the, you know, in college, sometimes girls will kiss to get their reaction of guys in a committed relationship. He might be just as

threatened, especially because you are attracted to women. So assuming he might be into it sexually is a risk. I mean, men, you know, if you have feelings for him, and then he might be insecure that you could develop feelings for said woman. And that opens up a whole Pandora's box that you have to be mindful of. So it's definitely a risk on your part. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm totally aware of all those. You know, I've really thought this through. I've been, like I said, so hesitant to even bring it up because I want to be able to have the rules ahead of time, you know, what we can stand and what we can't. You know, I've really thought it through.

I guess I just don't know how to out and say it. Like, what do you just say? Hey, want to have a threesome? I'm so serious. Like, what would you think about that? I mean, I guess just that. In my head, it sounds great. But then when I try to say it it just it gets lost i mean again that's why i asked can you communicate i mean i i don't know this relationship so it's you made it sound

like you can and this is a unique situation but listen i don't know if you said listen i made there's something you why don't you start there there's something you should know about me i'm i'm also attracted to women. Does he know that already? No, not straight out. I'm probably assuming because of the type of porn that we've watched together, and I've mentioned it. But I guess you're right. I haven't just out and said it.

Yeah, I think that pulling off the Band-Aid here is kind of the way to do it. Like, you know, honey, I have to admit something to you. I've been thinking about this a lot and, and my attraction to women really is there. And I've realized that in my life, I really haven't had a chance to explore that. And if you're comfortable with it, I would love to sexually explore what an experience is like with a woman. I would love to sexually explore what an experience is like with a woman. Now, I would like to involve you.

And, you know, if you would like to have a threesome, I think that that could be really fun. And I've thought about it like this. But if you don't want to be involved, how would you feel about me doing it alone? And that's a big question. And there's a good chance he'll be like, listen, that's outside of, you know, our marriage. And it will come with a lot of extra feelings. big question and there's a good chance he'll be like listen that's outside of you know our marriage and and it will come with a lot of extra feelings and you guys will have to talk about it a lot and you're inviting in a lot of potential for just feelings not not necessarily negative or

or positive or whatever but just a lot of like kind of disruption, either positive or negative. What if you love it? What if you're like, oh my gosh, I want to eat somebody out every weekend. Like you don't know how you're going to feel, you know, and that is, it's inviting that in. But if you start this conversation and you're like, I don't really know where I stand. I don't need to do it per se, but I'm starting to have this desire to do this with you. I need this to be on the table so that we can talk about it. And being very clear, like, and I'm also not saying that this is a deal breaker for me. I just need to be able to express this feeling.

And maybe it won't even get to the point of you wanting to actually physically have sex with a woman. Maybe it'll just be more like, hey, can you touch me more? Or can you, instead of penetrating me, can you like, you know, rub it out? I want to, you know, do this. Not like, this is like, you know, there's ways for you to get the idea of being with a woman from your husband. And I know that that sounds a little bit backwards. And of course, it's not the real thing. But if your husband is I know that that sounds a little bit backwards and of course it's not the real thing but if your husband is like hey no I don't want to do this I'm telling you as a woman like woman to woman there are ways for that to happen for you in in kind of a different exploration idea you know um yeah yeah I think I like that yeah I appreciate that wording that's

I think I guess it's just fear and anxiety of telling it and not being accepted that holds me back so much. Of course. I've always had a great line of communication, but just when it comes to this, I haven't been able to put the right words together. I think because naturally we think we need to say, here's exactly how I feel. You don't know exactly, but you know that you're having this interest and that you're thinking about it more and you're curious about the female body in a different way now. And like you're attracted to it and you want to feel what that feels like, you know, that that, and that's okay. And as long as you're not like, Hey, here's exactly what I want to do. Like having a threesome, it's a nice fantasy and it's a nice idea. And sure that's an option, but it just shouldn't be your decided question to me. I think that it, instead of being like, Hey, here's the option. It's a threesome and that'll get this out of my system. I think

this is a more a conversation of like, I'm having these feelings and I'm interested in doing this. And like, can we continue to talk about this? Because then it'll easily come up. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely, I agree. I mean, mean i it shouldn't be i like women i want to have a threesome in the same sentence i think you first should just be open with your partner you know if he if he is your person um yeah you know i i think your person should know that about you you know i would want to know i would want to know the person that i and if i'd want to know. I would want to know the person that I, and if I'd want to know that if my wife or a person, if I just want to know who she's into, I think that's a healthy thing to accept. Again, that has nothing to do whether I trust her in a committed relationship.

Right. So, um, that in fact, that would give me more trust that I just, she feels comfortable enough to be open with that to me. So start there, see how he reacts to that. Nick, I have a specific question for you. So if you were with someone and this idea was never in your mind, something you never would want to do, and your significant other did say something like that to you,

and you said, hey, I'm not into that, that's not okay. Would you feel weird afterwards? I guess that's maybe what my biggest fear is, is that it'll be weird afterwards if he's not into that. That's not okay. Would you feel weird afterwards? I guess that's maybe what my biggest fear is, is that it'll be weird afterwards if he's not into it. Are you talking about the threesome or the fact that you're into women? If he says that he's not wanting to do it. If I'm open with him and I tell him, hey, here's something I want to do,

and he says, I'm not okay with that. That's not ever going to happen. And what you know, I make this not a sacrifice, but i just kind of give the fantasy we replace it would you feel weird afterwards after telling someone no and knowing that like it's something they want you know what i mean i guess that's my biggest fear is just telling him him not being into it and then us being in this relationship where it's like okay i know somebody that i'm with wants this and i can't give it to them i don't want it to be weird i don't know know how to avoid that. I can't necessarily, I don't know how to answer that question specifically on the spot. I personally wouldn't be threatened by my partner

telling me they're also attracted to women. Again, because I don't see that necessarily. I don't think that to me that has nothing to do with whether she wants to be in a committed relationship with me. If that same partner then said, but I am also into having a threesome with another woman to satisfy this desire that I have, I don't know how I would feel, quite honestly. I would probably ask some questions. I would have to process it. I wouldn't think of it as some sort of sexual opportunity to like scratch some sexual fantasy itch that I have too. Yeah. Because it's not a, you know, it's about this specific thing for you. And, you know, I would be nervous about that.

I would probably, you know, it would be no different at that point. you know it would be no different at that point and it would be different for me because i'm not attracted to men but it would it wouldn't be different in terms of knowing how much you might be enjoying this and it's not about the threesome it's about you want to experience a woman and so that would make me in a committed relationship uneasy because you want to experience a sexual experience with someone other than myself. And that's what it comes down to. So I don't know how I would handle that. I would want to talk it through. To me, it's always about trust. Do I feel like this person is being upfront with me? Do I feel like no matter what happens, I always know they're being upfront with me. And to me, that goes a long

way. And I do like knowing that it's like one of those fine lines. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't ever want to tell someone what they can and can't do. You know, I like to set my personal boundaries and have them set their boundaries. And then we respect our boundaries. And if we want to push the boundaries, we're willing to have a conversation. But then you're also okay with the other person saying, well, I'm not comfortable with that. And then I don't want to feel guilty for expressing my boundaries, right? And then once the boundaries are expressed, you know, it's not fun to try to have to be the one to have to enforce those boundaries. Well, I'm not comfortable with X, Y, and Z. And again, you're allowed to have whatever boundaries are. And once you say, okay, well, I expect that, respect that, you know, it's, it's frustrating on the part of the other person to

say, well, no, I'm not comfortable with that. You can't do that. Like no one wants to say you can't do that. So you really have to, if you want to respect his boundaries, you're going to have to be okay with him saying, I'm not not comfortable with this i would rather not do that um right and that's that's he's okay with that i mean it's okay for him to say that um and i don't yeah uh but the better you can communicate i don't know this guy but the most the better you can be open and communicate i think is always the best approach um and i would just start with letting him know about your attraction to women and see how he processes that. Does he show an interest in what does that mean? Do you think about it? I mean,

if that were me, I would be like, well, have you ever done that before? Oh, you haven't. Oh, do you kind of want, you know, like, then my next question would be like, so are you wanting to, is that what this is about? And, you know, he might know he might say maybe maybe maybe he wants to help you get there i i don't know it's a it's a sticky situation there's no right answer but all you can really do is communicate slow i think like go slow with with presenting the idea you know the like let him in on first what you're feeling about women because from there you can kind of grow threesome is just not the only way and and right it involves him right so i think really the seed here is that you want to experience

a woman don't you think more than it being about i think you want to make it about him too and involve him and like a threesome involves all of you so then it's part of your relationship but this is a personal thing honey it's about what you want to experience. And I think it's very generous of you to want to have him there, but it's not really about that. So I think that the seed that you really want to talk to your partner about is that you are attracted to women and you, you know, you've been thinking a lot about experiencing that and what that would be like. And you're curious what that's like. Like, I think that starting there and allowing it to organically maybe get to a threesome conversation,

you know, then you're building trust. You're not saying, hey, here's an action that I want us to do. That's harder as a person to be like, then you're like, oh, he has to make a decision. Don't make him make a decision right now because you're you're just telling him a lot of information you know this is a part of you that you guys are going to need to talk about and communicate and discover together so while

you're doing that give that its own breath that deserves its own time and him to have his own time with that and you to have your own time with that in your relationship and then eventually you know get get to what that actionable thing is right if i work my way up work your way up work your way up how old are you by chance all right well i appreciate it that was really insightful and i'm definitely gonna have to talk to him about it. So we shall see. How old are you? I'm 27. Okay. So like in... Well, oh my God, oh my God, I just turned 28. Literally last birthday.

I'm sorry, I forgot. But have you been in these basically two relationships most of your adult life? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I had a high school sweetheart, but you know how that is. And then I met someone a couple of months after that, and we were together for five, six years. And I pretty quickly met my partner now, and we've been together ever since.

All right. Well, best of luck. Just communicate. I have just one more quick thing before you go. I just want to say how beautiful I think that this is in general and how wonderful it is that you're exploring all of these different sides of yourself and that you're not feeling limited whatsoever to have these thoughts. So, you know, find power in that, that you're, you found yourself a partner, your person, as you keep calling him, who you feel comfortable to be yourself with. And like, this is a part of you and these desires

are part of you. And I think it's just so beautiful that you're exploring them and allowing it. And I think it's just so great. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. Well, have a great day. You too. All right, take care.

It all comes down to, I mean, that's great that she's open about it, but she is in a committed relationship. So that's one of those things. You know, her age, it's great that she's open about it, but she is in a committed relationship. So that's one of those things. You know, her age, it's interesting. Like, listen, the relationships are great. When you are in committed relationships early in life, it's hard to explore things that you have.

It's hard to explore the desires that you have. And so, you know, this young woman has, you know, she's not terribly young. I mean, she's not old. She's 28, right? She's at an age at which a lot of people settle down. But because she has been basically, it sounds like she's been in serious relationship after serious relationship. She's never had this freedom of being single and an opportunity to kind of really explore

and get to know herself. And I'm not saying one thing's good or bad, but for all the people out there who are anxiously single and are used to being in a relationship, now is the time to take advantage of whatever it is. Just because you're not, if you're only into the opposite sex,

but there's other things you might want to explore. That are easier to explore while you're not in you know if you're only into the opposite sex but there's other things you might want to explore that are easier to explore while you're single that easier yeah um even our matthew in a sense that like again nothing he was sharing about the other girl he liked was hard to do in a relationship but embrace your singleness and do the things that you like to do because that's not always the case relationships are about sacrificing compromise and making it work and you if you're not willing to do that you you you won't have a relationship that's successful yeah so she you know he has every right to not be okay with uh having having a threesome or her exploring her sexuality um because he's in a they're in a committed relationship.

He can be supportive of her attraction to women, but that's like me being supportive. Like if we were in a relationship and say, yeah, I respect that you're attracted to men in general, but we're in a committed relationship and I want to be in a monogamous relationship. Right, 100%. But how nice is the idea? Because

we don't stop growing all of a sudden when we're in relationships, you know, and I think that sometimes that that's expected. And so I think that what you're saying and what I'm saying and what she's healthily exploring is like, Hey, I'm still growing and I'm going to discover new things about myself while I'm in this committed relationship and, you know, having the bravery to admit those things so that even if he is like, hey, I don't want you to step outside of this and I don't want you to actually physically be with somebody else. That's so acceptable and you're in a committed relationship, but they will be at the point where she's truly being herself and she can be like, oh my gosh, I girl on the bus today i gotta tell you she was gorgeous you know i totally agree it's lovely i think a healthy

relationship regardless if he's okay with her expanding like yes it would be great if he knows that about her yeah so that she can feel like he accepts all of her that doesn't mean he accepts her stepping up to your no it could be like her joking about like they're both attracted to women right they see a girl they're both like wow look at that that could be fun and playful as long as you're both confident in the the trust that you have with each other so i totally agree with that um so yeah it's just about being being open hi lindsey how are you? Hi, I'm doing great, how are you guys? We're doing lovely, thanks for asking Sugar's here with me today

Hi I read your email, very fascinating For those of the people listening Why don't you tell us your story And we'll go from there okay it's it's long i feel like there's a lot of different try dynamics try to condense it try to condense it uh as much and if i uh if i'll ask more questions if i feel like we're not getting all the information but i just i want to make sure that we're uh just getting to the of it, so to speak. Yeah, for sure. Okay. So my father-in-law,

he is a very successful business owner and he's, he's now retired and he's, he's very wealthy and he's doing really good um my husband and my brother-in-law they kind of started their own business with the help of my father-in-law after he retired they kind of just leaned on him for support and um it's a construction business so they're using his contractor's license um they're using your father-in-law's contractor's license yeah okay yep um they the business is doing really good and i mean it's everything that we hoped it could be but um my father-in-law is completely in charge of all the fight like all the money coming in um he doesn't let us see anything he he basically like gives us a little bit here and there like we have to ask for our paychecks which is ridiculous because um it's my husband and brother-in-law they're doing

all like basically they're the ones going out and running the business my brother-in-law they're doing all like basically they're the ones going out and running the business my father-in-law just sits back and enjoys his retirement which is it's fine but um he just controls the money and um so he takes a lot of the money and uses it for himself and his he has two daughters that still um that he still supports they're they're 19 and 22 so they're old enough to kind of support themselves but um he does take a lot of the business money and like um we're paying for everybody's vehicle insurance, everybody's phones. Do you know that to be a fact or are you wondering? Yeah. You do?

No, they, yeah. And my husband and like, he's kind of just grown up with his father-in-law being this way. So he'd like, doesn't dare ask questions. He doesn't, he just says, okay, dad sounds good. And'm like like let's let's ask like let's find out why like why does he feel like we need to be doing that and like why can't we see the numbers um what does your husband say to that i don't want to be like sorry what what does your husband say to that um he he's like we'll figure it out we're we'll get to that point like he always is just saying

he doesn't want to confront now um there's been times where there has been um confrontation and it never ends well like he just my father-in-law just is kind of like a time bomb and he'll just explode and I mean we've left conversations like that with everyone just like crying like I've been hysterical and even my mother-in-law he's like she's like okay let's leave let's just we need to be done with this conversation so it's not a healthy dynamic at all I'm to the point where I don't even like want to be in the same room as him just because he's so controlling and he's really negative he never has anything positive to say about the work that my husband's doing um and um i guess the biggest issue now is he is um addicted to painkillers within probably the last six months we've noticed that and he won't admit to it so that's just like on top of everything

yeah so much oh my goodness yeah here's here's the. How much, and try to be honest here, is this your issue versus your husband's issue with your father-in-law? I think it's, I guess, I don't know. I mean, I feel like, because we're just living paycheck to paycheck, and I know that the business is making more and i feel like no i get that but i'm saying i'm just i i'm not justifying or anything i'm not defending your father-in-law i'm just asking uh i'm i get the impression you're very frustrated with this and maybe rightfully so but your husband isn't as much um i just think that he's just grown up with his father being this way and i i don't mean to cut you out i i'm not asking you what you think or and try to interpret interpret it interpret why he feels the way he is i'm just

is he as frustrated as you are? Like, is this a thing that you are constantly, you two are like, like arguing, like not arguing with each other, but you're both constantly voicing your frustrations about your father-in-law or are you voicing your frustration and he's not really that mad, but you're, you see the big picture and you are trying to understand why he doesn't. Yeah. Um, he's, he voices his frustrations to me, um, a little bit. He, I guess I probably am more frustrated. Um, there's a lot he he'll, he's very like, he'll come home and he'll, he's like, yeah, today was a rough day with my dad but i don't want to talk to you about it because i know that it frustrates you and so there's a lot that he um like a lot of arguments that they get in that he doesn't tell me about because it sounds like how

totally frustrated i get yeah so here's the thing i mean i I can't control your father-in-law. It's hard for me to give you advice on how to handle someone that seems like you have no control over. The reality of the situation is that your husband and his brother don't own the business. They might run the business, but your father-in-law owns the business. He is the money behind it. They are using his contractor license. He has all the power and he knows that. And he's enforcing that power right or wrong. There's nothing you can do much about it. And yeah, your, your husband and your brother-in-law grew up in this environment where your father-in-law was King and your father-in-law liked to be King, you know, but having said all that, like that is the environment he grew up in. And so you need to get on the same page with your husband, right?

And it's not doing your relationship much good at this point for you to constantly just be mad at your father-in-law and just to voice your frustration so much that your husband can't rely on you to be the person he can vent to and express to because you can't control your emotions. Like you guys should be a team at this. And I get your frustration, right? I understand that. I don't really have an answer for how to handle that. But you can try to make the best of your relationship with your husband because either way, he is your husband and this is the situation you find yourself in. Either way, he is your husband and this is the situation you find yourself in. You complaining about it constantly so much that you're going to make your husband feel like he has to choose between you and his dad and healthy or not, like that's the situation

he finds himself in. And he and his brother decided to get themselves in a situation where they gave their dad all the power. So there's not much you can do. And again, it might be in a different environment that you grew up in and it's not okay with you, but you have to try to understand where your husband's coming from. And I don't think it's a healthy environment for your husband to not feel like he can talk to you about these things so much because then you're like, see, I told you we need to do something about this.

He just might need to vent to you. And then as a couple, you got to try to make the most of a situation. If you really want out of this situation, the only way to do it, and I don't even know if it's possible, is to try to financially buy him out. You know, maybe this guy, you know, I mean, he has all the power. So there's, I don't know, I don't have an answer for what you can do. Yeah, I mean, having, you know, run a business myself before and kind of knowing what those numbers look like. And there's, you guys must have an accountant, who I assume works for your dad, for your father-in-law.

And there are other people looking at those numbers other than your father-in-law who is retired, who he's keeping under his thumb. He's not retired. He says, like, he's not retired. He's running this business. He might not be doing the legwork. He might not be running it. No, I think that he's not running the business.

I think he's just keeping the accountants and everybody that's on the CFO kind of side of it under wraps to you guys. The fact that he's holding back your paychecks and you need to ask to get paid and the fact that you guys are living paycheque to paycheque, this does sound like an actual problem to me. It sounds like the company that you guys are running

is paying for other people. Like there's a lot of stuff that is very wrong that's happening right here. And how could you not be frustrated? What can she do about that? What can she do about that? She can expect her husband to stand up to this man and you're going to have to fucking ruffle some feathers and and get some some things

in place i have a i have a follow-up question just to kind of change it just so that i can get a little better scope of the situation and where you stand do you work for this company as well or do you have a career outside of it no i um i have three kids, so I just stay at home. There's another part, like another part of my question is my husband and his brother, they're in the process of trying to merge with another company. Great. And my father-in-law claims that he wants to be completely out of it and sold out so this other company is planning to come in and like buy him out and so it's just going to be wonderful we're just going to be merged and everything 50 50 but he still wants um to be in charge of the money no which. Which doesn't make sense.

Well, that's what I'm saying. Then he's not out. And that's what I mean, like, he's not retired. Like, he can call it what he wants. He can take vacations. He can not go into the office. But what he wants is power and control. And that's, like, you have to get down to the nitty gritty.

That's what he wants. It's what he wants it's what he wants but it's not necessarily what he's when this new company comes in and they see this older man who's like i'm gonna stay in and i'm gonna run the money the new company is gonna be like fuck no we have six accountants and a cfo who's been doing this and like if we're merging with you we're not gonna allow this to happen but i would encourage what to get the partnership it sounds like he wants i mean again we don't know he says what he wants but would you agree that if you were a company looking to merge with another company and then you you did the diligent

work and then you found out how this operation really ran and this operation really ran with this owner and all the finances and he's insisting that he has control over the, you would be like, again, we don't know. Again, we don't need to get into the details of how far the merger is on or whatever.

I think that what the question is, if we're here talking about relationships is how you're handling your husband and your father-in-law. I think that your husband hasn your father-in-law. I think that your husband hasn't had somebody on his side who's helping him empower himself to recognize he's not a child anymore. You guys are adults. He needs to have boundaries even with his father. And I think that as a partner to someone,

it's important that you're not just like, okay, this is how you are. Your dad is king to you. I'm going to support that. important that you're not just like, okay, this is how you are. Your dad is king to you. I'm going to support that. Fuck that. Absolutely not. You need to empower him to have his own voice. But it sounds like it's coming off in a, you're frustrated because your life, your children's

life, this all comes down to money, which is such a hard thing. But you have to kindly and lovingly find a way to empower your husband to not be a child anymore. And to, this is his business that he created. It's his dad's, you know, construction license or whatever you said, but you need to continually and lovingly help your husband find the voice so that they can merger with this other company who will, maybe he can even on a side be like, listen, there's a few things on the books here that we haven't been able to see, but we would like to, you know what I mean? Like, I think that the main

point is a, you're not wrong. This isn't right. What's going on. You're you guys should, it's their business. They should see what's happening with the money you're right about that he knows that he knows that he's being a child about that stuff he knows that it's wrong but he's terrified so you have to find a way to lovingly support your husband in the right direction and not just be like well it's okay that we're doing that it's not fucking okay well that's what she's not doing that right the problem is is that she's getting very frustrated and she's angry and she's feeling she's not being heard so much that her husband hears this her knows it and now he's he feels like he's stuck between supporting his wife and shug's right that it's not okay that he's doing this but i i'm trying to like it's we're talking

about a whole life of being raised by this father. It's hard to do. It's extra hard when you feel like you have to argue then with your wife. And I agree with Suge, you need to help him out doing that. And I'm just saying you getting so frustrated that he can't talk to you is not a good way. It's not a good way of making him feel like you're on his team and then sitting down and saying, really understand what he's going through. Give your husband a place to just vent to you without judgment, right? So that he can say, this is how I feel about my father. This is how I feel about the business. And then you don't really say anything at first because

he already knows how you feel, right? You've made, right? Is that true? He knows how you feel. You tell him all the time. You tell him how this is fucked up and we shouldn't do this and we deserve this and you're working so hard. He knows that. And he probably doesn't feel comfortable not only telling his father how he feels, he can't even tell his wife how he feels. Imagine what that might be like. So try to be the person he can tell how he feels. And then once you really understand how he feels, then I agree with Suge, then you get to a point where, well, what can we do about this, right?

Maybe this merger will solve all the problems, but the story you're telling me, it sounds like your fond law will find a way to overcomplicate this situation and get them to walk away. But right now you have no idea how your husband feels about this situation. All we know is how you feel and he knows how you feel and we know how your father-in-law feels, but we don't necessarily know how your husband feels about this situation. And he's kind of the glue in the middle ground. So try to get to that place and be an ally for your husband

and then figure out as a team together how you guys can try to solve this very complicated situation. Yeah. And I mean, it's not just us two involved because of his brother too. And there's been times where the four of us, because he's married married we have sat down and we've tried to communicate and figure out you know what to do but it's like we're almost too

scared to approach my father-in-law just because every time we've sat down with him he just blows up so i mean i and they they blame that on um his painkillers and that that's a side effect, which, I mean, it could be, it could not be. So I guess I don't really know. He hasn't always been this way. He hasn't been this hot-headed in the past? I mean, he's always been like his way or the highway. And I guess maybe it's just been getting worse since then I don't know exactly how long he's been on the painkillers but it's probably been at least six months yeah I mean

that that part is tough it's a whole new wrinkle I just I I just again I just think the best thing you can do is try to make sure even it's if it's the four of you, you guys just need to really be a team then, right? And if there's fights between the four of you, then you guys can't unite. I don't want to say necessarily against your father-in-law, but ultimately, business can get sticky and it might come to looking at what legal options you guys have. I don't know. But before that, to me, the most important thing that you said in all this is sometimes my husband gets frustrated at work and he doesn't tell me because he knows I don't want to hear it. Yeah. And I just don't think.

Yeah, and I guess I'm just trying to identify things that you have control over and I'm sorry we don't necessarily have answers for the things that seem to be really out of everyone's control but like get to that place first and I assure you that will help you guys figure out your problems together because at least you're on the same page and you do have control over that. Yeah, completely. That makes sense for sure. All right. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much.

Good luck. I mean, it's a tough situation, but just focus on your relationship with your husband and really want that. And listen, it'll work out, but just have each other, right? Because I understand it's frustrating, but you guys have a house over your head and a successful business. There are things to be grateful for. Protect your relationship and get through it together. Look at all your options. But right now, if you're not communicating,

you can't really figure that out either. And just let him know that you're there for him no matter what, and then together figure out how we can do this together. Yeah. All right. Yep. Yeah. Thank you.

I appreciate your guys' time. Thank you so much. You got it. Nice to meet you. Yeah, you too. See ya. Bye. I mean, it's a tough situation.

Yeah. I mean, I, I just, when you were talking, I mean, I agree that it's not okay, but like tell me he's a boy and he needs a man up isn't like literally that's what she's been doing. That wasn't going to get her anywhere. I'm not saying you say it in a mean way. I'm not saying that you're like, yo, you're a boy and belittle him, but you need to look at the truth of the situation. And, and, and she, and, and I think that sometimes, listen, this is going to sound wild, but as women and as wives you know you're

expected to just be like okay i'm just gonna support my husband but it's like no he's he's gonna fuck his there as a group maybe it's the four of them and like all of these old traumas and not being able to speak up to their father and like all of this stuff, it's an issue for her livelihood and her children. So it's no wonder she's frustrated with it. I understand that. But I think that our role sometimes is to help our partner to see that and to see what's going on there. And I love your point about you guys have to get on the same page and communicate and make sure that you're in this loving, supportive relationship between the two of you and accepting of what's going on but she needs to be able to have the strength to be like okay but let's get through this and empowering her to saying like you do

have a right to want this to change and to want to move this forward well i guess what i'm saying is i just felt like you were, she was saying she was doing that in terms of like, she wasn't like being some demure, not outspoken wife. Who's just like, she was constantly letting him know how messed up this was and expressing her frustrations to the point where. That's not what I was advising. I'm not saying like you need to say your frustrations.

That's not what it is advising. I'm not saying like you need to say your frustrations. That's not what it is. I'm saying like you need to look at the situation and calmly have the power to really talk through it and work on it with him. Like it is her place to work on all of that stuff. Sure, no one's saying it wasn't. It was just getting him to a point where he feels comfortable enough to talk about how he-

Yeah, I think our points really complement each other. Sure. They do. yours maybe comes first but mine comes very strongly second what do you mean i mean i'm not ranking them no but your advice is to like make sure that she's calmly receiving whatever he needs to give in order to understand what he's going through truly with patience and respect and understanding and my point is it to to take her strength and use that information to continue to encourage him to grow and be strong and and listen don't take it so so uh so much of a problem when i'm like he hasn't grown up and and he's being a. You know that that's true. So I'm like, how do we, how does she as his partner encourage him out of that?

I get that. It's just more one of those things where she is emotional about this and rightfully so. Like she has passionate about this issue and I'm guessing feels almost helpless, which is a shitty situation to be in. It's gotten to the point where she's so frustrated that everyone's just frustrated. And it's just more, like I said, I just wanted to help her get to a place where she can control what she can, she can change what she has control over and getting to a place where no matter what, those two are on the same page so that she can then help him feel empowered and they can do this together

but to get that i mean to me the biggest issue was here's a guy who you know we don't know him in the situation but by her own admission is not able to communicate with her his frustrations because she's so frustrated. So now that they're at a point, no one's communicating in a situation where they need to be communicating more than ever, especially with the four of them. And I guess that's what I'm trying to say

because we know that it's a fucked up situation. No one's arguing that. And we know that he needs to do things about that. But to get there, he's, I mean, she painted a picture that he's just on this island. But to get there, he's, I mean, it sounds, she painted a picture that he's just on this island of dealing with this father who he's, you know, it's your father, it's all you've dealt with.

And so it's really a hard dynamic to try to see past one, especially if one who might be obsessed with power and control. And it sounds like this guy is. And so I can imagine from her husband's point of view, that could be a tough situation and then you feel like you have to take sides and i i would like her to be in a position where she's not making him feel like you know it's easy to like take her side and then try together

get through the sticky situation totally so anyways well what another jam-packed episode jam-packed lots of different different callers and lots of very different conversations how interesting we have a very exciting episode coming up on on wednesday i hope you guys are all having a wonderful labor day uh i wonder how many people listen to this on labor day i think all all of them. All of them. We hope so. Anyways, thanks for tuning in. As always, feel free to rate us five stars. Have a great holiday weekend. We will see

you back on Wednesday. Take care. Cheers.