The Viall Files - E390 Ask Nick - Good on Paper, Bad in Love

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode of Ask Nick we are joined by dating coach and podcaster, Damona Hoffman. You’ll recognize her from The Drew Barrymore Show and Love Expert. With Damona’s expertise, we dive into the world of situationships. Our first caller met a guy who seemed perfect, even though it was a long distance. His disconnect made her question everything, after her therapist suggested she do some research she found out he is married with kids! Now she struggles if she should get involved and let his wife know, or if she should save her energy and move on. Our next caller is having issues with her best friend who appears very selfish and controlling. She tells the caller that she’s smarter and better than everyone, and even told the caller’s boyfriend NOT to propose until after she gets married. Our caller wonders if she should break off the friendship and say she won't be at her wedding or confront her with her feelings and hope for the best resolution? Our last caller is frustrated when a boy from her church sends her good signals but doesn’t follow through with them. She struggles when she feels like this guy looks great on paper, and how someone with a “good resume” could not be a good partner.  “He’s giving you ‘I want you around’ energy”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: thredUP:New customers get 50% off and free shipping when they go to http://www.thredUp.com  Article: Go to http://www.Article.com/VIALL to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more! The Zebra: Go to http://www.TheZebra.com/VIALL and get your free quote today! Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @DamonaHoffman See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. How are you ladies doing today? Very exciting. We're in a new studio. I have a question, actually. It's a topic for discussion. Do you think it is possible to engage in truly casual dating while also trying to work on your ability to be alone. It really depends on your ability to

set and enforce your boundaries. I feel like we started saying boundaries more recently. Boundaries is like the number one word we say. But have I always used that word as much? No, I feel like it's a recent trend. I feel like I'm evolving as I give advice. And that's partly when I wrote my book. You also rewatch a lot of your content because of the TikTok. Part of it, too, is just trying to articulate... Ultimately, what we do on this show is try to articulate a frame of mind and kind of repackage a situation to help our callers and hopefully our

listeners see these situations a little bit differently you know what i'm saying we're not i'm not diagnosing anyone of anything it's just you know it it really helps frame a situation and it's a good reminder because like you know when you ask a question like this it really just depends on your ability to like self-police you know so like why do you date you know are you dating are you dating for sex are you dating for companionship are you dating for something to spend your free time if you truly are dating if if it's like i want like honestly like i like i want it like honestly like I like I want to be single I want to work myself but I want to have some sex now

and then like I'm a sexual person and I don't feel like going six months without any sex if I don't have to so occasionally I'm gonna date and I'm still gonna focus on being myself and I'll go to date if I if someone piques my interest and I'm physically attracted to them. Unless something changes on this date, I'm going to be upfront about my intentions and the fact that I'm not looking for anything serious. In fact, I might even say that on the dating apps so that I'm not wasting anyone's time. So can it complicate it? Sure, but it just depends on your self-discipline. If you're dating, if you also date for companionship, then like, are you, you really give yourself an out whenever you feel bored and lonely. And companionship with essentially a stranger.

You know, being comfortable with being alone is not willing to hang out with literally anyone just so that you don't feel alone. Yeah, because it's interesting to think about because like, I think I've definitely been doing that more and like challenging myself to be like, okay, sit at like sit at home tonight don't even like and like not even like distract and like watch a bunch of TV

like sit in this see how it feels and like just kind of hang out with yourself you don't have to suffer no I cook food I don't just like

sit on a couch you just sit and look at a wall and embrace you're gonna think about what you've done think yeah you don't have to do that no I mean like

like hang out with yourself like don't disassociate whatever it is you want to do that. No, I mean like hang out with yourself. Like don't disassociate. Whatever it is you want to do. You should have the most possible fun by yourself. But it's interesting though because I think I've been thinking a lot about like what it means to feel like you have options. Like even if you feel like you're not cashing or like calling them in, to know that like there's still people that you could reach out to I feel like that's an added layer of what

of that's just your ego what do you mean I mean I feel like what do you mean what do I mean it's just like I could fuck a bunch of people

if I wanted to tonight because they all like me I don't even that's your ego like you know it's like I have a roster it is and I'm not

no I'm not we've all done that. I mean, of course. I mean, as someone who grew up with very Catholic, right, Catholic guilt, and I didn't sleep around. I really didn't. But I still had an ego. I still have a big ego.

And so I didn't hook up with a lot of people in my 20s like at all um and I always had buddies who'd be like dude why didn't you like take her home like oh she totally want to go home with you and I would always say just knowing I could you know and that was my ego of like okay because I didn't I didn't want to hook up I didn't want to wake up the next day and worry about having an STD or I wasn't all that interested in her. So like casual sex didn't like appeal to me. But I felt good that I, that, and honestly, that was for me the, this, I got off on knowing I could, you know, and that was 100% my ego. Right.

Which I think for a lot of people is something, is a thing. Yeah. You still get a bit of adrenaline knowing you can, and that is definitely your ego. Yeah. I, it's interesting to me because like even throughout this conversation and like, to be clear,

I don't, I'm not like, Oh, I can fuck whenever I want. Like I don't, it's, I really don't have that level of like hubris or anything at all. I think I just don't like full detachment from people.

And so I'm, I feel like I'm usually in kind of like a, a, I think I've don't like full detachment from people and so I'm I feel like I'm usually in kind of like a I think I've had a lot of stuff recently like honestly like since my breakup like two years ago that's existed at various points on the spectrum of like middle ground from like things where it was like incredibly exclusive like very much geared toward a relationship I totally relate to the feeling that you're describing. I'm realizing that there's a lot of vulnerability in being open to something that's not ambiguous. Because I think before, I think for a while,

I was just like, I've been in a relationship for a really long time. It was almost three years. It was for college, I want to do some exploring, I'm in a new city etc etc etc and so it was like like knowing that like oh I'm not looking for something committed so there's very few things that this person can say that will disappoint me because the odds of me wanting more even though it's like it doesn't matter like it's morally neutral to want more than another person like that doesn't make you a bad or desperate person but there is like that power of being like i'm always going to be the bottleneck because i

couldn't possibly want more from them than they would want from me and i think now i'm in i'm like maybe i don't want that situation anymore which is like freaky it's just mature it's growth you're you're trying to become less reliant on other people to validate you in your ego yeah everything all you described is like some it's it's like basically like a covert way that we validate ourselves yeah that makes a lot of sense i think it's also hard to know i think so there's very much like the me element of it in terms of like, do I want this? But then there's also sort of the how will I treat people thing. Sure.

Because like think about it. When you have a bunch of people, like you have your roster or whatever, even though you don't like them, that sense of knowing that people like you, it gives you that confidence to be like, well, when I do like someone, then they'll like me because that people like you it gives you that confidence to be like well when I do like someone then then they'll like me because other people like me it's just it makes you feel like yeah I must have something going for myself because there are people who like me and when we don't like actively when we're not aware of people who like like us and who are trying you know we've we're like maybe, maybe I've gotten uglier. Maybe I'm annoying. You know what I'm saying? We can get into our, our thoughts and we can

like lean into our insecurities. It's like, we always shit on egos. Like it's a bad thing. It's just, it's not. Our ego can be a very positive thing. It gives us confidence. It helps police our insecurities and things like that. It's just really hard to control because it's like a, it's a never satisfied thing. Yeah. It's like the most delicate child that you're babysitting from where like the second you turn away, they're like, Oh, could you keep drawing with me? Yeah. It's just like a, this vicious like animal that like has this one specific job, but if you like let it off its leash, it just terrorize everything around it you know yeah and and what you're describing is you know personal growth and like you know having consideration for the people around you despite this need to validate yourself and just having that kind of like state of mind to be like you know what i i don't need a bunch of people to

tell me they like me to know that i will be good enough for someone someday when I'm ready. And I won't panic and get neurotic, insecure thoughts just because I'm not being validated. It's a human experience. Allie, where do you stand? I feel like I'm exactly what Nick just described. I'm like, I'll just be chilling. Don't worry about me. You're comfortable.

Yeah, you're comfortable. 100%. You're on the Yeah, you're comfortable. 100%. You're on the other side of the island. There is a level of insecurity though, definitely. Yeah, you've gotten too comfortable with being alone. Oh, well. For fear of rejection. I'll find someone when they're ready for like a second or third wife.

What do you mean? What does that even mean? I'll be like 50 and I'll be ready to go. I think is where I'm going to be at. That's fine with me. I think. Probably not. That's a joke. I think we should require Allie to go on at least one date a month. I'll set them up for you.

No. Absolutely not. No. That sounds terrible. Sounds like a waste of time. I don't think I'm able to require you for this job. Yeah, that sounds like a title 9. That's wrong. You're getting sued. But you're highly encouraged to date. I'm just going to expense my dates to Nick every month. I think Allie and I should switch places for a month. Like Freaky Friday? No. No, thank you. Love you, you but no i don't think you should have today i just think it just sounds terrible there's been times i think where you've expressed like

having the capacity and or potentially the desire to like have just like someone in your corner and oh yeah like i'm an excellent girlfriend i wish we could just jump into that i don't want the middle shit not everyone most people aren't't Amanda where they like dating. And yes, sometimes you have to, you know, if you want to get in shape or be healthier, sometimes you have to like do things that aren't like super enjoyable. Like some people love to work out. Most people do it because they want to meet some sort of wellness goal that they have. And they can enjoy working out a little bit more as they get used to it. But it's never the same as diving into some cupcakes or watching their favorite movie or playing video games. It's like, okay, I got to work out.

And maybe when you're done, you feel better about it because you did it. But not everyone's just like, oh oh God, I love this thing. It's working out. And that doesn't mean you shouldn't work out ever. So that's for you, you know, you're going to challenge yourself. In the meantime, really appreciate your work ethic. Thanks. It's great.

Thanks. Well, we have a great episode for you. The one and the only Damona Hoffman is with us today, relationship coach. Also, I think she is the love guru on the Drew Barrymore Show. She's great. We really enjoyed having her and what do we got? We got Jim Jeffries this week, assuming he is well. Just remember, our recap won't be tonight. It will be

tomorrow night, covering both the tell-all and I'm guessing beginning of Fantasy Suites. Or Fantasy Suites, I'm not really sure, but there's two episodes of The Bachelor tonight. Let's get started. Hey, we love a good thrift store.

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listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Go to article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. There's a term called relationship anarchy. I don't know if you guys have talked about it. I'm not familiar. But basically, it's when you believe that all your relationships hold the same value

so you don't weight your romantic relationships above your platonic relationship. Interesting. So that might be an option for you. Is that, but like the word anarchy isn't it?

It's basically taking down this concept of marriage and relationships being the end game for everyone. So it's not necessarily considered like

a negative thing people who do that? Not by them but it's definitely counter culture like it's not something that most people embrace in our current society yeah but I'm just wondering how they think about it over time like most

people will be like oh we should have a threesome in the moment and they think it's a good idea only to realize like that was a bad idea kind of thing because I could see how it could get complicated not prioritizing any one relationship can get confusing i mean god but i think there's still i feel like you're a priority but there's still gonna be like relationships of different depths you know it's like just it's not like you're gonna suddenly value all of your friendships the same like i think you're still gonna have closer ones i think it's just about like

not having an additional extra layer that only a romantic partner could fulfill and like level up in importance in your life, but rather make it like an even playing field. Well, that kind of brings up also the concept of soulmates. I find that I'm talking about this all the time. Do you believe in it? I don't believe in soulmates. Because in my work, I feel like when people believe in soulmates, most people do believe in soulmates. I think something like 76% or something. Suckers. I know. But when people have that belief, for me as a dating coach,

it makes my job a lot harder because they think they're looking for one person as opposed to looking for a good match that can move into whatever kind of relationship you want to build. Yeah. But if you're looking for a needle in haystack, you're going to be really frustrated and disappointed and you're going to be looking for flaws in everyone that you meet. You're also modeling your search in a way that you would not want to model the relationship in terms of not being able to overcome certain, in terms of having a search way that you would not want to model the relationship in terms of like not being able to overcome certain, like in terms of like having a search such that you're viewing any sign of incompatibility as like a get out now thing is like not a productive mentality to bring into a relationship as well. You also start compromising your own boundaries because you're just like,

well, this is my person. So I have to accept this boundary that I set for myself that they crossed and choose to forgive them. So you don't believe in soulmates? No. No. I mean, I believe it in the construct of, I mean, I'm not big list building either, but someone who, a person, and I think there can be many, who fit into your ideal partner who's right for you, who fits into the boundaries you set for yourself and what

you're looking for and the connection and how you want to feel loved and be loved and give love and all those things. And there's multiple people who can do that. And if someone chooses to step out and not choose you, then you'll be fine. Yes, we're aligned on that. Hey, the callers are here. Great. Yay. How's it going?

Good. How are you guys? Good. What's your name? I'm Cammie. I'm 26 years old. How can we help, Cammie? It's more so of like a situation where I don't really know what I need to do next. I guess to like give a little backstory.

I met this guy. We'll call him Texas guy for context. In 2020. My friend and I had got flown out for a birthday party, met this guy. There was a huge group of friends. Wait, time I have, I'm sorry. How did you meet, what happened where some guy flew you and your friend out to a birthday party? She knew the guy whose birthday it was. And we were there for his birthday and they rented like a big house and everything and flew us out for that okay so um we went out there was a guy I was really interested in um didn't sleep with him until the second night which I know I like in hindsight probably

shouldn't have but it is what it is and he like put his number on my phone at the end of the weekend, told me to call him. We texted for a week after, radio silent. A year later, I hear from him because I randomly reached out after a Vegas trip. He was going on a trip to Colorado and was like, let me reroute my flight to California. So wait, you left, you had this like weekend, you hooked up, nothing happened, and at some point you reached out to him. Yes, it was a year, it was literally a year later. And you're like, I'm going to be in the area? Like what was the reason for reaching out? I was, I think I was just feeling like extra confident after a Vegas trip. Okay, great. And so I just

FaceTimed him, he answered. You FaceTimed him? Yeah, I wasn't worried about him not answering. I mean, most people would just text. I think it's great. And he answered. He did. He answered and we talked and then

he was telling me how he was going to a friend's clothing opening or whatever in colorado but that he could come out for the night so it literally would have been for it was for 12 hours like he rerouted his fight from colorado to california we went to dinner he like paid for dinner which the bar might be really low for me, but I was like, Oh, that's nice. And, uh, we like hooked up that night and then he left,

didn't hear anything from him. And at that point I was like, forget this. Like I'm going to delete his number. Like he obviously is like not in. What was your hope? Like for that, like weekend. Cause it sure sounds on this end,

like it was a mutual, like let's have some sex. I knew in the back of my mind that that's what it was, but I know that I like was interested in this guy based on like previous conversations that we had at the birthday party. We were there for like four days, the birthday party and We were there for like four days. Okay. The birthday party and then like dinner. And I could have been like totally over romanticizing the situation.

Also, I was just kind of done with it. I was like, I don't feel good. Like leaving this situation and not hearing from him. Um, so I deleted his number Superbowl weekend. He texts me and I didn't have his number saved but I like knew his number because I like the area code was Texas I was like I don't know anyone in Texas

so he texts me and it was like in a little eyeball emoji and he basically is saying I'm gonna be in town for I'm gonna be in LA for the weekend how far are you and I was like I'm like an hour you know with traffic Super Bowl weekend he was wanting me to come out Saturday night to see him and I was just like no I'm tired I'm in bed I'm not gonna drive out at midnight was that day of you heard him? Like he reached out to you on a Saturday or? He reached out to me on the day that he was flying out. He was like, I'm going to be in your area. Are you working this weekend? We FaceTimed that night, which is when I was, when he was asking me to come out and I was saying, no, I'm in bed already. And I said, if you want to text me and tomorrow so that we can work something out, fine. And he goes, well, like maybe we can get brunch

in the morning. I'll, you know, end it. The call ended. The next morning he texts me, we're talking throughout the day. He's like, they had gotten a suite at the Superbowl. So I think he was just like, I don't know, trying to impress me bowl so i think he was just like i don't know trying to impress me or whatever but he was sending me photos and then he was telling me um just trying to get you to come i yeah i guess but i was literally working i was like i'm sorry it's much that i want to blow off work i can't so yeah so i ended up going out sunday night he texts me after the super bowl's over says, says like, head my way. I come, his friends are there. These are a different set of friends than we're in Texas. Like haven't met

them yet. We're at the, at the bar in the hotel and it's a nice, nice ass hotel. Like I've never been at a nice hotel before like that. And, um, we go and we go to dinner we go to i guess we like oh went to mr chow's which i don't really know what that was i was like okay i don't know again if he was trying to impress me but we go leave that night hook up he leaves the next morning i drop him off at the airport that was monday morning last week. Okay. I have therapy on Thursday because I was like, I can't process what's happening right now. And my therapist is telling me to do some Google research.

He's given me very vague details, which in hindsight were obviously red flags. I don't think your therapist told you to internet stalk him. I was thinking that. I was like, did she Google this guy yet? Okay, well, here's the thing. So give it to us. So here's the thing about that is I did and found out that he was like a coach

for a basketball team, high school. He's a high school basketball coach? Yeah, but also does apparently real estate but at this point I'm like I don't even know what to believe right now this guy everything you're saying it sounded like this guy comes from has some kind of money he was telling me when he was giving me details he was just saying oh I like own a bunch of properties down in Texas we manage them whatever I'm like okay fine you can be very independently successful if you're in real estate for sure exactly so I do my google research and I find out this name that keeps popping up and it's

a girl's name and I'm like I'm just gonna do I'm just gonna like Facebook research right mind you this this other detail I left out when when we FaceTimed Saturday, I had this gut feeling. I was like, I'm just going to ask him if he's married. So I said, don't take offense to this, but are you married? Looks me straight in the eye on FaceTime and says, no, I was for three years. It didn't work out. I started seeing a lot of money that I'd never seen before. And I think that had an effect on it. So I'm over here like taking this man's word, right? What else am I supposed to do?

You gave her the old I'm separated but not divorced story. Yes. And so I Google this name that pops up and this man is married with two kids. And I'm like at this point just so deep into the stalking I will admit that but their pictures on her Facebook go back to 2012 and their her like bachelor party was in like 2016 but what's more important is how recent are the picture? I mean, cause like they easily could be divorced or separated. That is possible. Okay. They could. So I thought that, you know, I'm trying to like rationalize here, but the most recent cover photo update was a family photo of

all of them like 12 weeks ago in like November I think okay so I had I did some like more digging and found her on Instagram both of their profiles are private which I knew his profile was private because when I met him in Texas it was private I friend requested he did not accept so I was like okay whatever you know why yeah now we know why but her bio on instagram was like wifey too and their last name and then like my husband and my kids are my world and girls are usually the first to like change the bio and the profile photo and um yeah he's probably still with her i think we can all i know he is still with her because uh, I'm embarrassed to say, but my friend followed her account and she accepted. She was like, oh, a fan.

She posted a photo Monday morning, the day that I dropped him off at the airport of them two. This man is like still wearing the same outfit I dropped him off in. In case you haven't heard, car and home insurance rates are going up this year. That's bad news. But the good news is though, insurance Zebra is here to save the day. Make sure you're not paying more than you need to. Turn to the Zebra. They can help you find the perfect insurance for your needs in just minutes. The Zebra compares car and home quotes from every major insurance company side by side, giving you all the facts you need to make the right decisions.

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I'm really curious. My therapist gave me a bunch of different options, right? That's what they do. At this point, I don't know because I think I'm also hurt and frustrated and sad about the situation. So I guess my question is, for one, I don't think that I did anything wrong because I, I asked him and he lied about it. Like, how else was I supposed to know? So trying not to take responsibility for that, but do I owe her the common human decency woman to woman to tell her like, Hey, I'm not trying to break up your marriage, but you should know we slept together three times over the course of two years. And then my other question is, do I call him out? He asked if I was taking trips coming up and told him I was going to Vegas. And three different times he mentioned like, let me know so I can come and see you.

And part of me wants to be like, I want to tell him off to his face, but I'm just like, I don't know what off to his face, but I'm just like, I don't know what to do. Well, I definitely have some thoughts, but I'm curious, Damona, if you want to kick this off. Well, when you said I didn't do anything wrong, I just want to understand a little bit more where that was coming from. Because I feel like, of course you didn't do anything wrong. I mean, that's not really the question. The question is really more what series of decisions led to this and what do you do going forward? I saw a lot of red flags because I was going to ask about

the Googling because there were a lot of things as a dating coach that I saw, just he's not available in between your dates. He's not accepting your friend request. That made my spidey senses go up. My personal feeling is that his life is separate from yours now. And you need to protect yourself and your emotions going forward. So even trying to catch him in something or trying to cyber-stalk his wife and let her know, I think that's continuing to keep you emotionally invested in the outcome here. And I'm not sure that that's really what you want. So I'm just going to come

back to, is there something in there that's making you feel like you need to repair for yourself? Like you did something wrong and it's more about the guilt that you're carrying for feeling like you might be the reason for this relationship breaking up. I think there definitely is a feeling of guilt, even though like I didn't know, but it's more so it feels like a weight of one. They have a family together. Like I could potentially be a reason why that family ends. Not that I want to take that on, but that's where my mind goes. And I think that's just like the biggest weight.

that's where my mind goes. And I think that's just like the biggest weight. My question to you is, cause like, well, you're not the reason why if your family, he would be the reason, like you don't even know her,

you don't know anything about him. He, you know, when you were telling this story before we got to the, oh, by the way, he might be married part. I was this more, what I was,

my question to you was, why are you so emotionally invested in this guy who, the way you tell the story, you tell the story that it's so clearly this casual hookup situation. You guys live in different parts of the country. You came to this party. You guys hooked up. I don't know. The way you told the story was, yeah, you didn't have any expectations or any conversations, I hope you call it, was like,

eh, I hooked up with this guy and I moved on with my life and he went on with his. Months go by, I decided to FaceTime him. I was almost surprised he answered. It was like this kind of like one person that you kind of had this like fun weekend with, which is if that's what you were doing, great, you know, fine, you YOLO. But I'm just curious is why you were, you were treating it like a guy you liked or this like situationship where you act confused about his actions where I'm just like, how did you get so emotionally involved in this person you barely hung out with. And when you did, the same thing happened every time. You meet up, you hooked up, he left. What were you confused about in terms of the expectations of that situation? I know that it's because I wanted it. Yes, I talk about it

very casually and I think it's because I've had a week to process it, I guess. But I think in the back of my mind, I genuinely would have wanted more. I don't date a whole lot because I have an emotional bubble wrap around me. I'm working on it. But I think in the back of my mind, I was like, okay, this could potentially... I like traveling.

So the back and forth, going to see each other would be fun. I think I was fantasizing it maybe. Did you ever like talk to him about this? Like at any point, the weekend you guys met or that other weekend he rerouted his flight or even Super Bowl weekend, did you say anything, even float the idea about like,

hey, I'd like, maybe we can see each other in a month or how about we start talking more so both times Super Bowl weekend and the time he rerouted his flight I kind of like tried to gauge the situation of where he was at relationship wise and trying to ask like if he was ready to date like after he told me he wasn't married, I was like, okay, are you even looking to date? And he was telling me, word for word, the only problem with you is that you live in California. So in my mind, I'm like, oh, okay, well, if we talk more. And obviously, you don't have a problem traveling. I don't have a problem traveling.

So I was wanting it to be more. Obviously, that's not going to happen now. Yeah, and that's what happens when you get involved physically very early on. It was very intense. You saw each other every day for four days, and you're in this emotional sort of pressure cooker. And so we get attached to the fantasy. And that's the thing that you're sort of mourning right now that you need to let go of, the fantasy of the life that you thought could have been on the other side of this. But I'll tell you also, as a dating coach, I've seen situations like this many times before.

As a dating coach, I've seen situations like this many times before. And I would be willing to bet that there might be other women that he's done this with before. Oh, for sure. Almost a certainty, right? Almost a certainty. Especially because, I mean, he knew all of those things. It was very strategic. He took you to nice dinners.

He rerouted his flights. This is a story that he's played out before. And if that doesn't untether you from this fantasy of the life that you thought you were building, I don't know what would. No, totally. And I agree with Damona. I mean, I don't, as far as, if we're focused just on you and your well-being and mental health and your like wellbeing and mental health and like your ability to move on, like this, his, his family life is not your problem. And just to that point, there are other people like, you know, people say, oh, I'd want to know. Yeah, I guess, but it's really not your business and you would be involving yourself and you become even more part of this drama. You've acknowledged that you, you like, you are sucked into this. You're getting some sort of stimulation from this,

that toxic stimulation I call it. But you're kind of always having fun stalking, finding more. Your friends are involved. You guys are gossiping. It's taking up a lot of your time. And you're going to get even more consumed in that and more wrapped into the situation

that we now know isn't going anywhere. You know. You can acknowledge that whatever you thought or dreamed of or fantasized about is not going to happen. So I don't think it does you personally any good to involve yourself further. Listen, here's what I think you can do to avoid guys like this and then help yourself in general. And Damona can let me know if she agrees or not. But I think the more you set upfront expectations about what, you meet anyone.

What do I want from this person? How much do I like them? You have a conversation with yourself quickly and then you let them know. You set up front, the more expectations you have someone, the more you let them know what you're interested in. Trust me, cheaters will back off. You're too much.

Oh my God, this girl wants things from me. She has these expectations. That is not the type of person a cheater is interested in fucking around with. Somebody who doesn't ask questions, someone who's like kind of okay with them coming and going, that's a goldmine. Oh my gosh, she's just chill and cool

and she just doesn't want anything. She just, man, I just text her out of the blue. She shows gosh, she's just chill and cool. And she just, she doesn't want anything. She just, man, I just text her out of the blue. She shows up. Great. And I disappear. She doesn't text me again. She's perfect. So expect more from what you want and be willing to say that. And trust me, you will get more from the people you're interested in. And then anyone who's unfaithful or lying, they'll just back away because they won't have any interest in someone who knows what they want and is willing to say that to people they're interested in dating. Does it not come off too strong when you start with that though? Don't you want someone who would respect you being strong and focused on what you want? Sure. Will you turn off a lot of people who are

interested in casually hooking up or fucking around? Of course. But I don't know what your goal is when it comes to dating, but if you're interested in finding someone who wants to be with you and chooses you based on who you are and what you like, then yes, what you're talking about is a filter. Filters are good, but filters will come with a lot of

what you call as like people not being interested in you. Don't see it as rejection, see it as a filter. It's like your filter. Exactly. And there's one other element to this. I completely agree with everything Nick said, but there's a Maya Angelou quote that I find myself repeating a lot. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. So he showed you when you were clear and you asked the question, can I see you again? And he said, yeah, maybe we'll figure something out.

You got the answer, but it didn't match with the fantasy that you had built. So we tend to negate that answer and figure out how do we get it to the answer that we want it to be. But he showed you in that moment. If you could believe what you were seeing, then he wouldn't have taken you on this emotional ride. Yeah. You chose the possibility of excitement over the fear of disappointment. I think for you, the biggest takeaway is think of these boundaries you want to have for yourself and the people you date. Don't think of them as making yourself less attractive or desire other people. Think of them as filters to protect yourself and narrow in on the people you

actually want to invest in because, Oh my God, how daunting is it to like try to like find one person when you have no, like no filters or screen time. It's like, that's like, that's like going, I always need Netflix as my analogy. That's like going in Netflix, hoping to find something you want to watch for the rest of your life. Without any titles, without any previews, without any show descriptions. It's just, you're going to press play on each one and find out if you like it. Imagine how long that it's going to take to find.

And you're not going to rate each of the ones that you've watched. So the algorithm's not going to know how to work for you. You're just going to rate each of the ones that you've watched. So the algorithm's not going to know how to work for you. You're just going to, well, I guess we'll find out, you know, and you're, that's what you're doing. So think of them as filters and you should think about that. Like, what do I want? What do I want in someone?

And not list building, not like he, I want someone who goes to college or like doesn't have tattoos. How do I want them to treat me? How do I want to feel when I'm around them? What type of like, how much time do I want to invest in someone? How much do I want them to invest in me? What are my expectations as we get to know each other for like us to continue to talk?

You know, what are my non-negotiables? You know, all those things. And yes, some people won't like that. And you should be thrilled because someone will. And you're only looking for one, I think. I don't know. Yeah, that's a good way to look at it. All right.

I'm not disagreeing. Hopefully that was helpful. It was. Thank you. Take care. All right. Bye. Thank you.

How's it going? I'm good. I'm Allie and I'm 25. I'm from Ontario, Canada. Hi, Allie. How can we help? My dilemma, I guess, today is with my best friend, Emily. Background, we've been best friends since we were 14 in grade nine.

We're interceptible. We go everywhere. We've done a lot of we were 14 in grade nine. We're interceptible. We go everywhere. We've done a lot of trips together. Super close. I've always known that she's not the greatest person to other people in our lives, but I've overlooked that just because she's always been a good friend to me. And it's just, we've been friends for so long. Can you give some examples of like, what do you mean?

Oh yeah. I have examples. Like in high school school she's just very mean to other people she doesn't like them if someone says one mean thing to her she kind of snaps she's very bitchy that way but i was just kind of overlooked it i'm like yeah i'm her friend she's nice to me so whatever but recently she hasn't been the greatest person to me so I have like a couple examples because I just my dilemmas I don't know if she's someone that I should keep in my life or if it's like a conversation that I should have with her it kind of started about a couple weeks

ago that I kind of had like the wake-up call I guess. One of my guy best friends, his girlfriend got in a really horrific car accident. Like she was on life support for a couple days. She's still not able to walk. My best friend like knows both of them, but not the girlfriend super well. They had one encounter. They didn't really like each other. And when this car accident happened, my boyfriend and I were on the phone and she's like, well, he's never been mean to me, but that's on the other hand, she's kind of a bitch. So even though I know that she's not doing okay, I'm more concerned for his mental wellbeing. And my boyfriend and I were just like, that's a really crappy thing to say about someone who might lose their life. Like just because you didn't like her the first time you met her, you just don't care if she lives or dies and it was just really bad and I didn't talk to her for a week like not like we just don't talk every day

and I was just kind of like that's a really weird thing to say and then she's always been the type to like one-up other people she's very competitive so she ended up going to school for something else um and then when I went into my career, she's like, oh, that seems really cool. Like it's good money. So she went to school to do that, which I'm not like, oh, she's copying me, but it's whatever. She wants to do the career. She's now working at a place that I used to work at under the exact same person that I worked under. And I was like, there's plenty of other companies you could have worked for. It's weird. But my boyfriend and I were like there's plenty of other companies you could have worked for it's weird but my boyfriend and I were at her her fiance's place um a couple weeks ago and I told her I was like yeah

like I just I just quit this job I got like my dream job like really good money right close to home and there wasn't even like a congratulations or anything she just went right into oh well I asked for this giant raise because they think I'm so awesome. And if they don't give it to me, I'm going to leave. And I was like, I know this company. They're not going to give you like she was asking for like almost double what she's making. And she has like six months experience. I was like, I don't think they'll give it to you.

And she's like, well, you're just being a bitch because just because I'm better at our career than you are and you're not making as much. And I was like, you're not, I was like, you're lying. Like, I know you are. And we kind of got into this little spat and even like her boyfriend or fiance was like, I don't think like you don't make that much money. And you never told me that you asked them for this raise and blah, blah, blah. And it was just very awkward after that. And a couple of days ago, I didn't know this. The last little point that I was like, okay, she's not being a super good friend right now. So my boyfriend told me the other day, a couple of like last time we were at their place, he made a joke being like, how would you feel if a week before your wedding, I proposed to Allie? And she was like, well, actually, I want to talk to you about this.

And he's like, oh, I was like, totally kidding. I would never like, I'm not going to do that. And she was like, no, I want to talk to you about this though, because you need to not propose to Allie until after I get married, because apparently I'll make it all about me and not her. And she just doesn't want us to be like engaged at the same time and stuff. And she's like, if you guys get engaged before my wedding, I don't think I can be friends with you guys.

Okay, so now Charlie convinced me why you're even considering still being her friend because you painted a very clear picture of like, hey, listen, I don't know. I grew up with this person. We were friends. Maybe it's just time not to be anymore. I'm like, is there a dilemma or are you just looking for our blessing? Not so a blessing. It is to me still a dilemma

just because she is like really my only best friend right now. Like just since high school, I've grown apart from a lot of people and all of my new close friends are a lot of like my boyfriend's girlfriends and like they're my friends and I don't dismiss that. But besides her, I don't really have like that girl best friend that I can like go to for everything and like if I do need her she's there like she's a good friend in most cases I wasn't really having the biggest

dilemma until I found out about the whole proposal thing like that was like two days ago that my boyfriend told me and I was just so angry because I was like that's just a really mean thing to say not that I even think we'd get engaged but we don't need to like if we want to completely overstepping her yeah so it's more so like I don't know if this is a conversation that I need to have of her or is this more something that it's like it's done I shouldn't be her friend because the thing is I am in her bridal party so it's not like a friendship that I can just kind of like let sizzle out it would have to be a conversation at one point being like I'm not going to be your bridesmaid like I'm just not in your life and I just I don't know what the best route is because I haven't actually had to like deal with like a friend falling out like this before

I guess so so if I'm understanding you the biggest like hang up is the history you guys have and the desire to have you're kind of like one ride or die friend do you have any sisters or brothers I have two older sisters yeah not as close I mean I have a lot of siblings I'm not like

my middle sister and I are very close my older sister like we're close but she's got issues too. I don't tell her a lot. I don't know. What do you think, Mona? It sounds like she hasn't been very understanding in the past when you have brought things to her attention.

So I think you do at least owe her a conversation, especially considering you're in the wedding. But the thing is you have to be able to release an attachment to the outcome if you're willing to have that conversation. You have to be okay with her saying, screw you and you're not in the wedding and I hate you and we're never talking again. Or potentially she might say the other, she might, she might say, I hadn't realized I was acting like that. I'm a bridezilla. I'm so sorry. I, I will change, but she probably won't. And you have to be okay with it going either way. If you're willing

to take that step. The other option is you let it stay in limbo for right now, get through the wedding. And then, cause she, she might be bride zilling out a little bit. Like sometimes it does. I've been there. Like sometimes it makes you a little crazy, but on the other side, if she's still acting like that, it's,

you have to ask if it's really worth your time to invest in this relationship where it sounds like you're not getting a lot back. I mean, you told us about a few bad things, but you, other than the fact that she's there for you and she picks up the phone, I haven't heard a lot of things that she makes you feel good about yourself

when you're with her. She brings more joy and positivity to your life. And that's really, I mean, what's the point of having a friendship if people aren't there for you on those other levels if the engagement story didn't happen would were you were you thinking of were you questioning the role and she played in your life and their friendship before this particular story or like did the story make you kind of go back and think of all the other times that she's been shitty to you or people because this thing really pissed you off the second option for

sure like the last few weeks I've definitely been like reflecting over like other situations since like high school and being like oh wow like sure yeah she's kind of always been like that but like I said before like she's never really been horrible to me like she's always been like like i said competitive and like tries to one-up me but she used to actually like celebrate my wins too on top of hers think she's more when it comes to how she treats other people do you think she's more cruel or just kind of rude and unselfaware i think she can be rude and unselfaware. She's definitely had cruel moments, but she doesn't go out of her way to be mean. It's more so if someone even makes a slight joke to her.

Do you believe in her heart or character, despite her flaws and maybe how, I don't know, it could be a personality trait. I don't know, maybe she's just socially awkward. I don't know. And the reason I asked that other question about like, which one was it more, the fact that it was more based off of this one situation,

which again, I'd be fucking pissed if I were you. But like the fact that it was kind of this triggering event. And when that happens, and we like kind of go back in history, you're not seeing history as clear or you're seeing it different. And that may be accurate. I don't know.

I don't know what's more accurate, but it is affecting how you're seeing the past. Like if it was like something, if this was the last straw, then it's like, hey man, you kind of see the writing on the wall and she just confirmed what you were already thinking. But that's not what was happening.

So yeah, I absolutely think based off of that, you got to address this situation and then you got to head on and just be like, listen, that, I don't know what you meant by that or if you're kidding, but it really bothered me. Like my, like my fiance knows that you're my best friend. And as my best friend, you, you're someone like, as a, as a best friend, you're like the guy who's like getting engaged or wants to get engaged, you know, the sister, the best friend, those are like people they kind of go to be like, hey, I'm thinking about proposing. Like, what should I do? What rings? You know, all those things. Like, that's why you have that type of best friend, right? Like you're literally saying to us, well, I don't want to lose that person. That person,

whoever that is is has that role and I think it's kind of like men and women have that and she like failed at this very important job of this role which is to like be like oh yeah she loves you and I'm so excited for her and like have you thought about rings I'll go shopping

with you she was like no don't it's about me that's fucked up and you have a right to be mad. So you have to articulate that with her. And then just say like, you know, I would always approach it with a, give her the opportunity to like, give her the grace that maybe she can articulate

why she said it or just own up to the fact that like, yeah, you're right. I mean, honestly, I was kidding, but like I see how that came across and I was definitely being a bridezilla or thinking of myself. And then, you know, maybe that kind of rewrites her viewpoint. And then I do think if that is the case, deal with this situation. Don't bring up, don't like dump your history of frustrations under this one situation to validate that you think you were right.

Like you don't, this, this, how she handled the situation. You don't need any other like data or evidence to be right. And this one, she could have been a goddamn saint and the perfect friend and still had done this.

And it would be just as fucked up. You know what I'm saying? So don't bring in the past to like, try to enforce your argument at a different time. Assuming like maybe she does say, Hey, you know, sorry, she handles it perfectly. And you're like, thank you. I'm glad we could work this out. You'd be friends.

Maybe another time in the future you could like say, do you ever like, why do you say what you say when you say it sometimes you know yeah it's kind of and i'm only coming like it's kind of like sometimes off-putting or it kind of comes off as rude and i don't think you're rude i don't want people to think you're rude you know that's a different conversation but listen friends come and go and and i do think big picture wise if this does if it doesn't go the way you hope, if she doesn't own up and she doesn't ignore, because I think if she fights you on this, you know, like I don't, you might want to reassess the friendship and like, yeah, your ride or dies change. And you know, if you're

lucky enough to get engaged and married and your husband becomes your ride or die and your sister can be the person you bounce ideas. And like, it doesn't like, it changes, man. Like very few people have the same friends. I mean, I have like my two best friends from high school that are still my two best friends. And if you made me say, Nick, who are your two best friends? I'm going to think of them. But like, I'm not coming to them for like my, we have evolved.

They're married with kids. They live in Wisconsin. We lead very different lives. And there's things I go through in my life that I'm not, I'm not every situation I have, I'm thinking, yep, got to go talk to them. They would have no idea how to answer like certain things that are going on in my life. You start picking and choosing people who are more appropriately aligned to answer the challenges that you have. younger, that bubble is, all the problems we have are kind of like within that kind of, yeah, my best friend can handle that. But like, what does your best friend know about X, Y, or Z when you've maybe grown apart, but you're still best friends because you grew up together? You know what I'm saying? So it's not the end of the world if this friendship doesn't like go the way you want. Like you'll be able to have people to bounce ideas off, people more appropriately capable of answering things.

But in this particular situation, yeah. This was her one fucking job, is that one best friend to be there for you and support your boyfriend and his desire to want to get engaged to you. If she can't do that, what's the fucking point? Empathize with her on the fact that you understand that this has been a big deal for her

and she's been waiting, but that doesn't give her the right to come between your life and your happiness. Because whether he was joking or not isn't relevant. She shouldn't be saying that stuff. Whenever your relationship is ready to take the next step, you have the right to take it regardless of anyone, especially a friend.

And you hope to have a friend in your life that can share happiness. I don't want to have friends who are like, you know what, today's about me. Tomorrow's maybe about you. Like maybe birthdays, I guess. And like weddings, you don't get to like call, like dibs on the next two years, you know?

Yeah, exactly. Like you should be able to share happiness. That's, I don't know. That's just don't i don't write the book on friendship but that's kind of how i take it um so yeah i would address this issue don't bring up the past to like make your argument and see what she says i will say it might help you to write out what you're going to say, like what you think you're going to say. Don't read it to her, but get clear on your thoughts and the point that you're trying to make. And like Nick said, be specific. Don't make it about everything. It's about this one issue and how it made you feel. Because once you get, it's going to be emotionally charged,

right? And then once you start in the conversation, you might end up saying something that you regret and she's going to overreact to it. So just like have your script, stay the course. Stay on script, exactly. And then be open to whatever outcome unfolds. All right. Awesome. All right.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes. I'm definitely curious for a follow-up on this one. I will definitely let you guys know. All right. Take care. Thank you so much. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? It's going great. My name's Amanda and I'm 25. Hi Amanda. How can we help? Okay. So I am having a, what you would call a situation ship with a lovely Christian boy who's creating my brain fire right now. I met him over the summer and we've just kind of like met through church things here and there. I DM'd him back in like September. We talked for like three days straight and then he kind of just like didn't

respond. And I was just like, okay, whatever, like no big deal. And then back in December, he reached back out. And since then we have not stopped talking. We talk every single day. We both work out early in the morning. Sometimes he texts me at 4.30 in the morning, just, you know, whatever. My initial reason for calling in was asking to see if maybe he was just being too nice to me because nothing was going on. We had hung out a few times in person, one-on-one. We had gone to some hangouts with some friends. And it's just like, we don't talk about like, just like, hey, what's going on kind of stuff. We talk about pretty like deep stuff, very like boyfriend, girlfriend type conversations. But about three weeks ago, he did text me and he basically just expressed

that he just wants to be friends because he just got out of a relationship and is just not really ready to be in one. And he just said like, you know, he's loved getting to know me and really wants to continue a friendship with me. I was like, yeah, of course. Like no big deal. It's been like a month, whatever. No big deal. Well, in my opinion, I was thinking, okay, well then he's just going to fizzle this out. Like this isn't going to be something he's just going to, oh, we're just friends. And then just going to stop talking, talking to me, which isn't the case. If anything, we started talking more. We started hanging out more with his friends. Like just this weekend, we literally hung out Friday night, Saturday night. And then also yesterday, like all day,

still around friends, but we like make the plans together. So it's like, I'll be like, Hey, do you want to hang out? Like, let's do this. And he'll be like, Oh yeah. Like, you know, where do you want to go? And then he'll just like add people to it, which is totally understandable, but it's just like weird that we make plans. Yeah. I roll my eyes every time. So long as he can't see it. So I'm just like super confused because he told me that he doesn't want to date right now. And like, I also like, I get that. And it's like, okay, well, cool.

But like, also, why are you giving me boyfriend energy if you don't want to be in a relationship with me? I'm not giving you boyfriend energy. It's giving you, I like having you around energy. Okay. Which is something like, I feel like people in your position often see it that way. And maybe it's this more guy, I mean, I do think situationships

I don't think it's gender specific. Yeah, I think it has to do with what I refer to the hopeful side. You're the hopeful one in this side of things. Yeah. That he wants more. He doesn't. And like your story is a tale as old as time.

You know, and it's this, and I fake it till you make it. It's great in a lot of aspects. I mean, I'm a big advocate of faking it till you make it when you're heartbroken you know yeah and people are like how is it going and you're really sad and you want to like talk about it and you want to like being your feelings I'm a big advocate of being like I'm good and just convincing yourself that you're okay even when you feel like you're not and getting back out there and like slowly you will be like you know what I am I am doing okay you know like and yeah but definitely terrible time to fake it till you make it in a situation

ship. No, I just don't understand. Like, I just like, I think my, my concern is that he's going to just like finally be ready and he's just going to drop, drop everything that we've been building just even as a friend and just find, literally just find another girl off the street and be like cool and then just start dating her instead most likely yeah did you say i know we're talking about a situation chip and i know you said uh you met him through a christian through a church did anything physical happen has anything a good question yeah not not like in any like relationship type of way we've like hugged

and when we hang out with friends we've been drinking and stuff we sit next to each other we're definitely close we're touching the entire time but nothing no kissing no holding hands no things like that so that level isn't really is your religion playing into that

like how do you think I mean I don, I don't, TMI, but if you're comfortable answering that, but like, are you having sex before marriage or like, or is that something like people in your church, like you got having sex is a normal thing? So my church is very, like a lot of young adults, like majority of my church is, so I'm from Austin,

very like young people. My entire church is made up of like people in their 20s to 30s. We are called the hookup church because we just have a bunch of people that are young and ready and wanting to date. Personally, for me, I'm not necessarily opposed to it, but it's not something that I am going to hook up with somebody on the first, second, third date. It definitely would be inside of a relationship. Okay. So it is an interesting wrinkle that this guy, that you're not hooking up.

I don't think it changes much what I would say to that just because it's just a personal choice for whatever reason you have it. But there are other aspects of a situationship or a connection other than obviously sex and the conversations you're having. Maybe he just likes having it. People on the hopeful side of situationship, they're always confused.

It's like, why are they willing to do this when they're not? Listen, because relationships are about expectations. And when you get into a relationship, there's the do's and don'ts. What are you, what, am I okay with you doing? What are you not? Like I've said this like a hundred times over, like it's about sacrifice. When you get into a relationship,

a part of it is agreeing what you're not, what you're no longer going to do with other people. You know, that's what makes it strong, this choice, this bond. And the reason why people avoid that is, well, they don't want to have expectations. So that's why. And then again, whether it's sex or just your comfort or your ability to go shopping with him or watch movies or bend your ear,

someone you can build a connection with, but he still has the option to, as you are afraid of, to find something else with something better. Yeah. He can do that. And coming out of a relationship, he probably has a need for comfort, as Nick was saying. And you're meeting that need. You're there for him at 4.30 in the morning. You're there for him every day. So you're meeting that need for him. The question is, what needs do you have that he's not meeting for you? what needs do you have that he's not meeting for you? I honestly, I mean, physical touch is definitely like a need that, um, that he's not meeting, you know, like that's the relationship side. I think that that's probably what I crave. Just, um, I got out of a very long-term relationship

about five years ago. Like all my friends are just excited that I'm interested in a guy. Um, and like, actually I'm putting forth effort, um effort because I haven't done that in five years. And so that's why I feel this feels different, but it's like this guy, just like if you put him on, put his resume out there, he's got everything that I was looking for, but he's not.

I love resumes. I'll get you a cut. Well, and you like, you're just like, you're not interested in people. Like you're single for five years. Why do you think that is?

I think for a long time, I just kind of, I did a lot of like hookup culture. I kind of just was like very like emotionally unattached. Like I didn't really want to give people that relationship like heart just because I was so heartbroken. I think I was willing to give them, you know, the, the physicalness of a relationship, but not really like the depths that it requires. So I think that's why I didn't want to date. So you dealt with a bad breakup in the past? Yes. Yeah. I dated a guy for, for four and a half years. Um, so, and it was just really difficult to kind of, you know, bounce back into like a dating scene.

And I was also, when we broke up, I was 21. So it wasn't like, oh my God, we were dating for this long and I'm 25. So it's not like I haven't lived long enough for that relationship to be that heart-wrenching, but it's something that it's like, eh. It still affected you. I don't, so. Like you definitely were obviously protective

of your heart, whether you went about it the best way or not. I mean, like also like fine. You went out. You had some fun. Okay. But yeah, I think now you're probably putting a little too much pressure on yourself. It's like, oh, now I'm ready to date. And I found this guy with a really great resume.

And well, he's the only one who's going to. Yeah. This is the only guy out there that could possibly yeah yeah you know it sounds like a nice guy who you really like who could have potential but he doesn't you know like it's it's more than just his choice like him choosing not to want more with you is a ding on this perfect resume that you claim he has. You know, that's part of his resume too. His lack of wanting more, you know, the fact that he says things that are confusing, you know, that he says and tries to set some sort of boundary and fade away.

And then immediately his actions are to actually reach out more, you know? Yeah. I mean, I'll, I'll say this, um, like last week I like sent this screenshot to my girls. Cause I literally was like, I was flabbergasted cause I was like, okay, fine. We're friends. You know, I try to like keep it very bare minimum. It doesn't work. Um, but we were like talking about like food and like what he, I was like, oh, you know, you know, what are you having for lunch, whatever. And he like mentioned it. And I was like, oh, you know, that's kind of sounds like not super great. He's like, Oh no, like you should definitely need to come over and like, I'll have to make it for you sometime. And so it's like comments like that,

like just what bothers me because it's just like, okay, but that is not something that you say to your friends, at least not to your girlfriends. I feel like that's not. He likes to cook and show off. I mean, yeah, but like. I like to cook and show off. But to a random, like to one of, yeah, but like... I like to cook and show off. But to want to be just like a random girlfriend,

like you would do that? I mean, obviously... No, I wouldn't. But I mean, there's a lot of people who don't kind of have that boundary for themselves and he's thinking, well, I told her. Because like people always do that. It's just like, oh, that one time I had that conversation, I told her I don't want more.

And then going forward, I can always revert back to that one time I said I don't want more. And he's thinking, well, fuck, I just cooked. I mean, I cooked. I cooked you food. What is that? You know? And there is a, he has a point.

There is a point to that. It's like, we fantasize about, oh, it'd be so romantic. Maybe at some point you fantasize about like, oh, it would be nice to find a guy who just like make me dinner and romance i'm sure that you know i've i probably thought about that'd be cool you know a romantic night but it is just cooking you know and so he took the romance out of it by like setting this boundary and and you know try not to romantic go back to what he thought you were doing and what you hoped he would do. Also, you said resume, so I'm just going to harp on that too. But I'm guessing you don't have listed on this ideal resume of says one thing and does another. It confuses me.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But we so conveniently leave that off the resume. It'd be like someone who presents you that perfect resume, but they're like, they do all the things that they, oh, I worked here. I went to this college. This was my GPA.

Shows up late to work every other, you know what I'm saying? Doesn't get my stuff done. Not super reliable. Only wants to work on his schedule. So like a boss would be like, oh, that's a great resume. You know how many people have great resumes, get hired and get fired? All of a sudden like, fuck, this guy sucks. Or this person sucks. All the time. Yeah. You know, people make a really bad hiring decision all the time based off of really good resumes. Dating and relationships are no different. So

every time you say to yourself, like, oh, this person has a great resume. The fact that you even have to say that to yourself and revert back to the thing. What you're doing is you're trying to validate to yourself your decision to give them your energy. And the fact that you have to do that, it means you're trying to feel better about your choices, not theirs. Yeah, that makes sense. Again, he's getting his needs met. And you're looking at it from the perspective of the needs that you have and how his actions line up with your narrative. But if you flip it from his perspective, it makes total sense to me why he would do something like that.

But when you look at it from your perspective, thinking that there's a different end game, that's when it becomes confusing. You're overlaying your expectations on his actions. Yeah. And he's just like, oh, I'm sure he cares about you. He probably even likes you. And there's even a world where he could come around, but he's definitely not going to come around while you're still allowing him to come and go and do what he wants when he pleases, not have to live up to any of

your expectations when it comes to a relationship. You know what I'm saying? You're like, oh, it so happened. You're the poster child. No, you're not the poster child, but it's a, again, tale as old as time. They act like my boyfriend. They give me girlfriend energy. Like what is going on here? But you're not giving him girlfriend energy. You know what I'm saying? Because would you allow this behavior in a relationship or do you want this behavior in a relationship? So clearly you're not giving him the energy that you want in a relationship. Yeah. Okay. You're saying yes to things that you know you should be saying no to. That's not girlfriend energy, not those stuff that you want for yourself. Yeah. So, I mean, in your opinion, would you say that like, like when he texts me, like, you know, whatever, like, should I have a conversation with him?

Because I think my fear is having a weird conversation. It's like should I have a conversation with him because I think my fear is having a weird conversation it's like I'm not in love with this guy I haven't kissed this guy you know so it's like I don't want to have this like weird uncomfortable conversation but it's also like how do I oh I think you try to get that point across without like start dating other men and when he tries to be your friend, be honest. What are you doing tonight? I got a date. Don't throw it in his face.

Don't throw it out of your way, but live your life. And if he happens to reach out at a time where you have something else going on, tell your friends what you have going on. That's what friends do. Oh, I got plans. See how he reacts. Don't say yes to boyfriend things that he wants to do. If you think that, hey, only boyfriend and girlfriend should be doing it, that's your choice. He might feel differently to Damona's point. So don't say yes to those things. His expectations might be,

I don't know. I cook for people. I don't just cook for my significant other. That's his expectation. And he's responsible for saying yes and no to his expectations and boundaries for himself. Yeah. So you should stop saying yes to things that you want to keep exclusive for a romantic and an actual relationship and then go live your life.

And if he asks you what's going on, like definitely like be honest about a date that you have and see if that rattles something in his head and makes him realize, oh shit, I don't want to lose what I have. So when you start saying no to relationship stuff and you set those boundaries, you don't need to have a conversation.

You can just do it through your actions. Show him what it means to you to be in a relationship. So you say no to things that he wants to do that you deem relationship stuff and you start saying yes to those things with other people. And then you see if that bothers them. And also be careful with the daily texts. I would imagine you're also very available and you text him right back. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I will say like there's sometimes like I am busy, so I don't, right? Like when I am busy at work and stuff like that.

But like right now I'm in a season of very like I don't have a lot to do at work. And so it's like throughout the day, I'm literally just, it's, I am available. And, you know, at 4.30 in the morning, I'm like, I'm awake at 4.30 in the morning. I don't have to text him back. You know, like that's not something I should be doing. But, you know, it's like a weird thing because it's like, I don't want to play like a game of like not being available. But it's also like, I shouldn't be. So the only thing is that you're not playing a game.

You're deeming it as, I don't respond to, because you don't want to be friends with them. That's the point. I don't just want to be friends. Yeah. Correct. Like, I enjoy our friendship, but I don't just want to be friends. So you set a boundary for yourself is,

I don't reply to guys I want to not just be friends with at 4.30 in the morning. It's not a game. It's a boundary. I don't think it's a coincidence that it feels like he's come on stronger or been more communicative also at this time when you're saying you have more time available to him. Yeah. I could see him coming around if you like,

you just have to set more expectations for yourself and set some boundaries and start saying no and see what happens. Okay. Well, hookup church. Okay, well, hookup church. Yeah, hookup church. He's a free agent and you are letting him shop around. Yeah. And you're a free agent and you go to hookup church. Yeah, and get back out.

He's not the only person out there with a good resume. Yeah, that's true. He's just maybe the first guy in a long, keep in mind, you weren't, you even said to yourself, you weren't emotionally available for a period of time. Yeah. Some of those guys that you've hooked up with,

you know, you weren't open to connecting with those people. And that's fine. Like, that's great. You weren't ready. So, but don't make it, don't rewrite your narrative and be like, I haven't met someone in five years. I haven't liked someone in five years.

And then add all this weight to this one guy just because you decided to not be available for a period of time. Okay. He's just a guy. You got this. All right. Y'all just validated every girlfriend

that I have refused to listen to for the past month, so. Text your girlfriends the next time he texts you. Text them, not him. Just text them, not him. All right. Well, take care. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, Damona, thank you so much. This has been an absolute pleasure. This was really fun. We did it on my podcast. Now I'm over here. Let my audience know where they can find you enjoy your podcast follow you, anything that you're working on

where can they get more Demona Hoffman they can get dates and mates with Demona Hoffman every Tuesday wherever you're listening to the bio files right now and I'm on Instagram Twitter, Facebook at Demona Hoffman those are the best places to find me.

Awesome. Yeah. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K for all your questions. Don't forget our mediation calls

on our Wednesdays Going Deeper episode. So if you are friendships, relationships, I mean, I'd love a good co-worker one. That'd be fun. Anyway, send in those questions. We'd love to get you on the show and I think that's it

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