The Viall Files - E393 Ask Nick - When Are You Giving Them Too Many Chances?

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode, our first caller is enjoying life as a digital nomad traveling from place to place and going on dating apps. After her and a date quarantined together they left with feelings but also without applying a label on the situationship. Now, wanting to maintain her casual digital nomad lifestyle but also wanting to pursue things with this guy further, our caller struggles on how to approach and define what she wants. Our next caller’s sister is throwing a birthday party for herself and the costs are just too high for her and her husband. When our caller expressed concerns about rising prices for the event, her sister turned into a Birthday-Zilla saying that finances shouldn’t be an excuse. Now our caller wonders how to lay things out and communicate without creating problems with her sister. Our last caller is in a work related situation with a man she just isn’t interested in. Her coworker gets incredibly jealous when our caller mentions going on dates. Now, she wonders how to put him in line while also being able to keep her work about doing work and not participating in drama. “Stop playing it cool with people you’re interested in”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Sun Basket: Right now Sunbasket is offering 90 dollars off and a free gift when you order. Go to SUNBASKET.com/VIALL and enter promo code VIALL  at checkout. Chime: Get started today at http://www.Chime.com/VIALL  Hairstory: Go to http://www.HairStory.com and use promo code VIALL to get 15% off your first purchase! Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're crazy. Ask Nick edition. And boy, are we kicking off quite the week. It's a marathon. It is a marathon. First and foremost, we have our Ask Nick episodes, which you guys have just tuned in for. We're excited to have you. Sorry about last Monday with the episodes not being available for a couple hours. People had to pay for it. Don't worry.

Lives were lost. people had to pay for it don't worry lives were lost but we got you the episode and we are happy that things are up and running this will be the first of four episodes this week we have two bachelor recaps one coming well as soon as they're done you know like we're gonna get him up as fast as possible but we're we're operating with a lot of content. Recapping night one of The Bachelor finale, the wonderful Christina Harris will be with us. I will be coming directly from the AFR studio after I've given my-

A red eye. Poignant, is it poignant? Poignant. Poignant thoughts? Poignant thoughts on Clayton and the mess he's created does he continue to demonstrate some of this anger and scary behavior i've thought about it more and like i don't know based on who you know is showing up with you like the other alums are you like i don't know who else is showing oh i was gonna wonder like are you, like, are you like the alpha? Are you like the team leader of alum?

I don't really think in those contexts. Okay. I just didn't know. I can just see you like sitting in the middle front seat of like a bunch of Bachelor alum just like holding Clayton accountable. I don't know how they perceive me, but I just. Yeah, that's, are you like the uncle? The fun uncle.

The smart uncle. The insightful uncle. I don't know but christina harris will be with us recapping it she is a massive bachelor fan uh if you don't know who she is uh she has uh funny and uh interesting and has a lot to say and that's what we like on our shows night two ally barthwell you know her you love her. If you haven't listened, our ethnic audience, I'm sure many of you listened to the recaps. If not, jump aboard this week.

You just might as well. Oh, my word. Allie Barthwell will be with us, and then we will be getting, I don't know who we're getting, but we've been told that there will be angry and upset with Clayton. A scorned person, if you will. I don't know if it's going to be Susie. I don't know if it's going to be Rachel.

I don't know if it's going to be Gabby. It will be one of those three ladies, and they will be coming directly from the hot seat of AFR to that couch right over there with, I assume, still a lot of emotion. Piping hot emotion. Piping hot emotion. Piping hot emotions. And quite frankly, probably new emotions,

because while they did wrap filming not too long ago, as I've said before, the season doesn't end until after the AFR. And, you know, did Clayton end the season in a relationship? And then is he still in the relationship? Could he have pulled a switch? I mean, I think there's a lot of options and reactions will be heightened.

The tea will be hot. Yes. So that will be coming out early Wednesday morning as well. So make sure you listen to them all. Ladies, anything new? Well, do you remember I was telling you about that random guy that I matched with on Hinge thatm'd me on instagram yeah the guy who was in a i did i convince you to follow up so i i opened it yeah because i was going to respond and not be rude it wouldn't have

been rude for you not to have responded okay so i did realize because i went back to our dms we switched from hinge to instagram dmss starting on July 28th. I was half-faked being like, I did realize that he sent a dick picture. Nope. That would have been

a hard, hard left. Oh, that's why. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. The last thing we talked about was him getting a gum graft procedure. A gum graft?

What is a gum graft? And I had asked him, oh, gum sourced from yourself or a cadaver? Because I'm me. Sister in med school check. Well, it's like my family has a lot of receding gum issues. So several of people in my immediate family have had this surgery. Do you overshare on first dates? No. How is me asking where he's getting his gum source from oversharing? How is me asking where he's getting his gum source from oversharing? No, but like telling about your family's gum history might be a mild overshare on a first date. I don't think it's that she's oversharing.

He brought it up. I think it's that Allie has unique experiences. So it's like stuff that, it's not that she's sharing something ultra personal. I'm very open. It's just that she's sharing something unique. Sure. I'm very open. Very open.

All right. So the last time we talked was on August 2nd when I asked that question. And then he DM'd me yesterday and said, hey, you. Wait, so he didn't answer

the gum graph question? No, he did not. No, he did not. And I still don't know where he got his gums from. He was like, this is weird. I'm going to wait four months

and give her another shot. Yup. Hey, you. How is life treating you? And then at 6.09, I said, it's been good. How about you? And I haven't heard from him. Is it seen?

No. Okay. I just think it's... I looked back at that text and I was like, wow, I really did ask that question. I think it's funny that he gave me a second shot. That could not have been a funnier last message to send. Gum sourced from you or from a cada shot. That could not have been a funnier last message to send. Gum sourced from you or from a cadaver.

He's going to do the same thing and scroll back and be like, oh, yeah. He'll be like, oh, gum girl. That was the last message.

Like, he clearly saw it before he slid on in. Maybe. Maybe I made an impression. He's definitely, like, just fishing. But that also could be fun. He's got some new gums.

He wants to put them to the test. If he doesn't respond, like, by today, I wouldn't waste your time. Oh, yeah. Absolutely not.

Because this reminds me of... Like, if he waits a week to respond... The other guy who did this that, like, popped up out of nowhere after going silent, and then we, like, exchanged two more texts, and then he went silent again.

I'm like, what is the point? Yeah. Other than... I don't know. I was going to offer another. There was none. I am going to Vegas with a man I recently met. Bar guy? Yeah. Bar guy? Yeah. That's gonna be his... Why not, you know? I was gonna go to Vegas.

Yeah, why not? I was gonna go to Vegas already for... The season of dating yourself. Going to Vegas. yourself you know i think it is i would argue that going on some some interesting experiences creating some stories like i don't think this is going to be like a romantic night in vegas i think it's going to be like a crazy bender yeah which i think is a way of like oh that's your excuse? It's not intimate. It's drinking. This isn't about love.

It's about getting sad about bad choices. In a really weird way. And probably do some jogs. There might be a sex worker or two that are involved. I'm not... I'm just kidding. How can we make this not about us? Is this why you asked where I was staying in Vegas?

Well, no. I was just curious if you've ever been because I hadn't been before. I was going. I'm going for a friend's like. You can take him to a. He'll love a Jim Jefferies. Yeah. That's a good little date.

Yeah. And then my friend. My friend's having a birthday. What happened on Friday night? I'm not talking about it. You gave in. No, I didn't. No, I didn't actually.

No, I didn't. Did you get together? No. Oh. Then what's the problem? It, actually. No, I didn't. Did you get together? No. Oh. Then what's the problem? It's okay. You don't want to put it out. Nick is alluding to the fact that I was canceled on on Friday.

It happens to the best of us. It's fine. Sometimes you get canceled on. It's not a big deal. He followed up with a trip to Vegas. No, I think the trip was your idea. Well, yeah. He followed up with making plans, and then I was like... We should go to Vegas? No, I think the trip was your idea. Well, yeah. He followed up with like making plans. And then I was like.

We should go to Vegas? No, I said. What I said was I was like, I have a crazy, probably infeasible proposal. And then he was like, okay, whatever it is. Yes. And I was like, hold your yes. It's a lot. Are you driving?

You just suggested Vegas. Yeah. Are you driving? Yeah. Road trip. I've never driven to Vegas. Weirdly, I don't know. I feel like that's... You're not poor.

I feel like if you got on a plane together, it would be more serious. Yeah, seeing someone at the airport is intimate. When they take their shoes off. But you're also taking a road trip. Yeah, but people are shells of themselves at the airport. Okay, well, sounds think airports are fun. We'll see if I make it back.

I think it will be... I think you'll be fine. Right? You're not no murdery vibes. No, not murdery vibes. I think you'll have fun. I'll share my location

with some friends. Yeah, you should probably do that. I'm available. It's the only... I'm sure you'll have fun. But, like, if you don't,

you'll have to get that road trip back. That's a good point. Although, at the end of the day, I'm sure you'll have fun, but like if you don't, that road trip back. That's a good point. Although at the end of the day, I think, I feel like. You can push through things more than normal. I took a lot of Uber pools in college. I took a lot of really outrageously long Uber pools where I ended up talking to a lot of different Uber drivers. So I think at this point.

You think that gives you training to take a five-hour drive with someone you've had awkward, terrible sex and got into a weird fight over nothing? I was going to say, you didn't fuck anyone in your Uber pool. First of all, I think we'd only do one of those things. Second of all, I don't think it will be... You can just play music.

I'll throw on an audiobook. I'll throw on a self-help audiobook. I don't give a fuck. She starts the vile files. Episode one. That would be... I think it's great. Have fun. Be safe.

Thank you. Hey, on you goers out there, you podcast listeners, you just don't, you don't, you don't listen. Some people are busy doing other things. I find myself to be at the stage of my life where if I'm not good at things,

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instant transfers can be delayed. The recipient must use a valid debit card or be a Chime member to claim funds. Well, we have a great episode for you, so we will get to it. Don't forget to set in those five-star reviews, especially on Spotify. It's super easy. If you're listening to this episode on Spotify, just go in and tap five stars. That's it. And if you always hear Nick say this,

and you're like, I'm gonna do that one day, maybe make today the day you do it. It's so fast. It's two seconds. And do I need validation for my ego? Yes, I can acknowledge it. He cries. I don't cry, but like...

We don't need to do a Clayton situation here. I didn't cry. I did cry. Or on iTunes. Thanks for listening, and we'll be with you all week. do a Clayton situation here. I didn't cry. I did cry. Or on iTunes. Thanks for listening and we'll be with you all week. How's it going?

Good. What's your name? I am Rachel and I'm 27. How can I help Rachel? So I'm a digital nomad. Okay. Meaning I work around, I travel around and work remotely for my company.

Gotcha. Okay. I feel like that's more common recently. I feel like I've seen that more out and around with people like I can work remotely. So I'm going to live here for a month and then there for a month and kind of see the world while work. Is that kind of what you're, I don't know what you're doing. Yeah. The pandemic, the pandemic kind of let me do that because my company is a lot more relaxed

now and yeah, I can work remote from wherever. Good for you. That's awesome. All right, cool. Yeah. So I spend around a month in each place and as a way of meeting people I turn to dating apps I met some great guys on there but there was one in particular in December that I met

him and I really hit it off on our first date so much so that I went back to his place that first night the next day he texted me that he tested positive for covid did you guys hook up or you just like hang out we hooked up yeah so then i also tested positive um so we decided we might as well quarantine together of course yeah that week also happened to be christmas so i spent christ Christmas with this guy who I just met.

Okay, there we go. Wow, that's wild. It's one for the books. I'll say that, you know, no matter what happens. Yeah. All right. Okay, so you spent Christmas. You had a great first date.

You had some good sex. Got COVID. That sucks. Then you spent Christmas quarantined with this guy. It's like being on The Bachelor. All right. It's pretty much. So then even after quarantine,

we spent kind of every day of that remaining month together. On the last day, I kind of realized that, you know, I kind of like this guy. And I told him I wasn't really ready to say goodbye to him. And I told him I'd't really ready to say goodbye to him and I told him I'd like to see him again um so he responded saying yeah like you know I agree and maybe I'll come to wherever you are next so I'm currently back in the states I have to be here until mid-April to take care of some things and then I'm heading back out then so we've been talking

here and there but honestly like it tends to be me reaching out when I do reach out he's very responsive and interested and you know asking questions excited to talk to me but it's me every time so I want to I want to pop back to quarantine okay like how intense was that did you did were you guys like hooking like were you just like sick and watching movies or were you like asymptomatic you guys like hooking? Like, were you just like sick and watching movies? Or were you like asymptomatic and like just hooking up like crazy? And then when quarantine ended, I'm curious, like, did you guys have any conversations about like, hey, that was intense.

But like, hey, we also don't know each other. Like, were there any like next steps of like what's going to happen now that you spent literally Christmas and like a week a week together living together? What were those conversations like? I guess to answer your first question, we had a cold. So yeah, we were hooking up, but we were also just watching TV and kind of pretending like we lived together. There wasn't any conversations about what we were doing there wasn't no okay but you know once we were done with our like 10-day period we kind of just

took it outside and we went to bars and you know did things in the city together yeah but yeah there was no conversation and then since then things have kind of slowed down. Yes. So we're in two very different countries right now. He did, two weeks ago, he asked me to come to Paris. He booked a ticket just like out of the blue because it was 30 bucks to go. And he was like, oh, you should come too. But I kind of took it as like a backhanded invite because I'm in the States.

I feel like, I don't know. I just kind of took it as a backhanded thing. Is he American or is he like, you meet him in Europe or something? He's from New Zealand, but he lives in Scotland. Yeah. I mean, it's an interesting wrinkle because, you know, you're this digital nomad, right? I think what you need to do, and I think something that you failed at doing and something, even if this doesn't work out, that you need to start doing for yourself

is that you have to be courageous enough to like uh have some upfront conversations with you know you got to stop playing it cool with people that you're interested in especially everyone does right even if they like live across the street from each other but in your case there are such easy outs for people and for yourself to be like oh well i'm traveling of course like the assumption with someone like you is that you're off to somewhere else a month later so it's so easy to assume a casual relationship with a person who seems to like not have roots anywhere like especially like you know you're not committed to even a place let alone you know so someone be like well why would i i didn't think you'd want to date me because or want to be anything serious so if you do i think you you you're most likely to be the one who probably has to just say, hey, this is nuts.

We spent Christmas together. I still plan on traveling, but I had a great time with you. And I haven't met someone like you before. And I want to keep investing in this. You don't have to be like, I want you to be my boyfriend. You just say, well, how do you feel? Do you feel the same as me? This is what I want.

And yeah, I think checking in more would serve you well because your unique situation offers people so many outs. And again, you're like the extreme. Anyone listening, I would give the same advice to if you get caught up in a situation, you guys getting COVID, spending Christmas together, that like, you just decided to embrace, but you recognize that it's probably not, you know, super healthy. It's like people who go on The Bachelor and they get engaged, right? I can't speak for every conversation that people have. I've been in that situation and that conversation goes something like, well, fuck, well, we're engaged but like let's let's slow down let's get to know each other let's take the pressure off what engagement means to one another i think most couples have that conversation of like listen i do love you and i i meant this engagement but like

i think we're okay to just not put pressure on each other. And I think that's a conversation people have because that's such a crazy way to fast forward a relationship. Right. In a lot of ways, yours is no different kind of thing, right? Yes. I don't want to put pressure on him that I want this big relationship. I just want to say if I'm going to Greece in April, will he come? But you need to tell him what you're interested in, not ask him what he wants.

You hear me talk about it all the time. And so you're the one traveling. You're the one who's chosen this life. And that's awesome. That's so cool that you're investing in yourself and seeing the world. It's what allowed you to meet this guy. But you need to be the one, if you know what you want, to tell him, like, you're it in the game of tag

because you know what you want. And that is, I want to learn more about this guy. I want to, like, more. I want to spend more time. I've liked everything I've had so far. That might change, but I do know that. So I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to, like, hopefully tell me the same thing.

I'm just going to tell him and see what he says, because you know what? I don't know what he's going to say. If he doesn't do what you want, you will be sad and disappointment. Yeah. And disappointed. Sure. But at least that will, you can start to move on. Like, you don't seem like you're like, I'm obsessed with this guy. I can't live without him. That's not what you're saying. You'll be bummed. And then you'll go to Greece and meet a really hot guy from Greece. Right. And it'll be fine. But at least you'll be available in Greece.

If you don't have this conversation and go to Greece and then you're still wondering if maybe he'll show up and maybe he'll surprise me or maybe this, then you will take yourself off the market, which people in these situationships often do.

And this has turned into a situationship. Right? Yep. A romantic connection and you're the hopeful person and you're hoping, you know, he hasn't really defined himself as single yet because it's unclear because of these like unique variables. He could easily be just being like, I don't know. I just want to play it cool. She's, he could easily be using this as a cop-out, but you have to go for it. You have to put yourself out there, especially when you feel like an invite to Paris cop-out, but you have to go for it. You have to put yourself out there, especially when you feel like an invite to Paris.

Out of context, when you're like, a guy invited me to Paris. Most women would be like, wow. And literally in my dreams. And you're just like, yeah, but it felt like he didn't mean it. You know? I'm not saying you're wrong,

but I'm just saying like, you did get invited to Paris, but you have such a unique situation. You need to be the person who gets clarity for your situation. You can't be relying on other people to give you clarity that you want. That's on you. That's on us. How would you go about having that conversation since we can't do it in person? FaceTime them.

Zoom. Don't do it over text. Okay. I mean, you could do over text. I don't recommend it. And this is not some big statement. It's like, hey, I don't give them the we need to talk. Yeah.

Listen, we haven't talked about this. I've really enjoyed my time with you and I still have plans on, and all I'm saying is I, it sounds crazy, but like, I want to learn more about you because I see potential with you. Do you see potential with, like, do you see potential with me? We're talking, that's what it is. You're talking about potential. Right.

And if he gives you the, you know, like, thanks for saying that, but like, then you know. And just so you know, if your ego, if you get rejected, your ego will be triggered and you can convince your ego. And it might be true. Maybe your situation you're in is too much for him to handle. And you know what you say then? You just say, okay, well, let me know if that changes.

I'm going to Greece. And then you, again, like any other situationship, you don't chase him. You go live your life as if you don't miss him and see if that sparks a response from him to be like, fuck, what am I doing? She is great. I am going to make her a priority. I'm going to make sacrifices. I am going to like go out of my way. I'm just not going to reach out to her when it's convenient for me. Don't make it convenient for him. Right? Like, that's how you know, like everyone's always like, how do you know if they like you? When you, when you don't go out of your way to make everything super convenient for them to hang

out with you, because like, you don't really know why they're hanging out with you. I'm not saying be a pain in the ass. Do what you want to do. Give him the window that he has. And don't be like, hey, come if you want. Just be like, I want to know if you want to come. Otherwise, I'm going to go meet some other guy from Greece. Right.

You know? Yeah. I'm not taking myself off the market for someone who's not going to take himself off the market from Greece. Right. You know? Yeah. I'm not taking myself off the market for someone who's not going to take himself off the market for me. Right. Yeah. Makes sense.

But I definitely don't think you need to like do the whole we need to talk and make it like some big heavy conversation. Just throw it out there. Tell them that you are interested, that you see the potential, and you don't know what that potential means, but you just want to like keep hanging out.

And you want to go out of your way to see, you want to go out of your way to see him. And you hope he feels the same way about you and see what he says. Right. Yeah, makes sense. And in the future, if it doesn't work out, 50-50, this doesn't work out, next time you meet someone

and you get caught up in a situation, don't be afraid to check in. don't be like cool like it would have been appropriate for you guys after quarantine to be like well i was nuts how you feeling you know yeah i guess in my head i was thinking you know it's only been a few weeks like am i crazy too again you're not saying let's get married you're just saying you're acknowledging what happened we spent every day together. We've been hooking up, getting naked, having sex, spending fucking Christmas together.

There's a level of intensity that like we shared as a result of the situation we were forced in. And I just want to let you know, like I had a real, fuck, this could have gone terrible. Yeah. You know, that's how you bring it up. But like we could have hated each other. Yeah. And we didn't. In fact, I kind of like you. And like, I. You know, that's how you bring it up. Like, we could have hated each other. Yeah.

And we didn't. In fact, I kind of like you. And like, I don't know, like you live in Scotland, I'm traveling the world. Clearly,

like, we're not like, I'm not saying let's run to the altar. I'm not even asking, I'm not asking anything. I just want to know if you see the same potential in me as I see in you.

And see what he says. Yeah. And then, then the next conversation might be like, expecting a little bit and see what he says. And then, then the next conversation might be like expecting a little bit more and setting more boundaries. But like you saying that after two weeks is more than reasonable when you've been like getting naked the whole time. Like, I don't think that's unreasonable.

That doesn't make you crazy. If you're getting naked with someone, you have the right to like check in. Like this new bizarre world. We're just like, I don't want to be pushy. But how are you feeling about me? Meanwhile, you're naked. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks, Ben. All right. Hopefully that was helpful. Yeah. Thank you. Let us know how it goes. Will do. All right. Take care. you. Let us know how it goes. Will do. All right, take care.

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to get on the hair story train check out hair story at hairstory.com and use my promo code V I A L L and you can get 15% off your first purchase. The code will be applied after customers creates an account at checkout. That's H A I R S T O R Y.com and use promo code V I A L L to get 15% off. What's going on? Hi, Nick. My name's Elizabeth. I'm 32 years old. How can I help, Elizabeth? So I'm having an issue with my sister, and I wanted to get your take on it. Basically, what's going on is she has a 40th birthday party coming up. She asked me if I would be down to go away for the weekend for her birthday with some other people. I told her, yeah, sounds good.

Let me know the details when you start figuring things out. So she hit me up a little while later. I found an Airbnb. She sends me the link. It says $5.99 a night. Tells me that there's going to be like five to eight other couples going. And so I'm thinking $5.99, two nights between eight couples. That sounds doable for me. So I'm like, okay, yeah, it sounds

good. I hear from her a little bit later. She's like, it's going to be $420 per couple. And I'm thinking that's more than I was expecting it to be. So I tell her that. I'm like, why is it that much? I thought it was $599 a night. She goes, well, that was advertised price, but it was more expensive for the night that we're going to go for my birthday. Okay. Talk to my husband. He's like, ah, that's a little more than we thought, but okay, let's do it. Then I get contacted by her a little while later and she's like, oh, it's actually going to be $460 a night. And I go, okay, why is it more money? You said it was going to be $20. And I just need to know how much everything's going to be. If it keeps going up, I might have to rethink it because

we're in like a tough spot this month financially. I just am purchasing a car. So I put a deposit down. We were on a vacation at that moment. So, and we don't do that that often. So we're spending money on a vacation, taking time off work, not getting paid, and then, um, trying to get out of debt. We have other stuff to do. So we're just, I just sort of explained that to her. So she goes, all right, um, if it's going to be, I'll just pay the extra $40. If it's going to be, I don't want to deal with like the drama or the negativity, so I'll just pay it. So I just tell her, um, you know, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just in a different weird spot financially, but we're going to be there. It's going to be fine. We ended up

Venmoing her for the full amount. We talked about, we're like, okay, let's just do it. It's fine. Right after that, we ended up getting in like a tiff, me, her, and my other sister about something unrelated that had to do with my mom. She's staying with my mom, her, her husband and her two kids, um, for a full day. She was watching her kids. Um, there was stuff all over the place. She tripped over a high chair, broke her wrist. Me and my other sister were kind of upset that she was tired from watching the kids all day and then even had something to trip over. So I contacted her and her husband and I was just like, Hey, can you guys please not leave mom with the kids for really long periods of time? And can you not leave stuff around that she can trip over? I don't

want her to get injured any further or be taken advantage of or anything like that. And they were just saying like, all right, thanks for the feedback. We're not taking advantage of her though, but like, thanks for your feedback. And then that was it. I didn't respond. I just wanted to say something so that they would think twice and hopefully that wouldn't happen again. And then sister, that sister that's living there with my mom, the one who's having the birthday party, sends out this mass text saying like, it's none of your guys' business what we do. If we want to leave the kids with our mom, that's my business. If we want to, they're allowed to leave the occasional toy out. Don't tell us how to parent. You're crossing the line. So I didn't respond to that either. I was just like, all right, I'm not trying to get in a big

fight. Her and my other sister though are going back and forth. I don't respond. So then- Is everyone fighting with each other or are there sides? My sister, my two sisters are fighting with each other. I'm on good terms with my sister. It's not her birthday. We're fine. And kind of on the same page about being worried about my mom. And then my sister, who like thinks you're cheap. Yeah. So my, yeah, the one who thinks I'm cheap, she's kind of upset with me now because what happened was, this is like the main thing. She hits me up again after this fight saying, Hey, it's going to be wine tasting is going to be 150 a person saying, hey, it's going to be, wine tasting is going to be $150 a person plus tip.

So it's going to be another $360 that me and my husband were like, oh, we did not realize it was going to be that much. Plus food. So this is now like a thousand dollar weekend and we were not expecting that. That's a lot. So I, it's kind of a, it's, I don't know, for us, it feels like a lot. So I, it's kind of a, it's, I don't know, for us, it feels like a lot. It all depends on everyone's situation, but I don't think for the average person, that's a lot. That's a, that's a vacation.

Yeah. Especially for a group trip. Yes. Thanks. That's what I was thinking as well. Cause when I told you how we were on a vacation and we spent a thousand dollars for the entire eight days we were there. So when we're, and we saved up for that.

So we're like, Whoa, that's another thousand dollars for just two days, 45 minutes from my house, you know? Anyway, so I talked to my husband. He's like, I think that that's going to be too much. That's not what I was thinking. That's a little bit too much. We don't really have that. Then we have it, but it's not like something that we were budgeting for.

That's too much for us to spend on a weekend. So we call her, she doesn't answer. Me and my husband both text her, hey, we're really sorry, but financially we can't do the whole weekend, but we'd want to be there all day Saturday to celebrate your birthday. So just Venmo, keep whatever you need for wine tasting and tip and Venmo is back the rest. She already bought a leather jacket or something. I'm just kidding. I'm going to treat myself for my birthday. She's like, sorry about that money. It's gone. It's gone. Anyways, what happened? I'm sorry. Go ahead.

So she does end up Venmoing us back money. And then it seems all right. She's like, okay, fine. Here's your money. But then she sends me a screenshot to me and my husband. And then it seems all right. She's like, okay, fine. Here's your money. Um, but then she sends me a screenshot to me and my husband and it's a screenshot of a text conversation between her and my other sister. And she's basically telling my other sister that she got into a fight over me with her husband because her husband was telling her, um, you know, I wouldn't plan anything with her without cash in hand. She's going to disappoint you. There's going to be drama. Your other sister said this about you. No, my sister whose birthday it is, her husband said that to her about me.

And it was a fight and she stuck up for me and was saying, no, she would never do that. And so she was telling my other sister about it in a group text. How did you respond to that? When she sent me the text? Yeah, because my question would be, what's your point of sharing this with me? Yeah. I mean, definitely. Did you want to let me know that you had my back or are you letting me know that my husband was quote unquote right? I mean. I know. I think it was probably a combination of the two,

knowing her and maybe a way for her to see if she can kind of get me to go. I don't know. I think it was probably a combination of the two, knowing her and maybe a way for her to see if she can kind of get me to go. I mean, I don't know what your older sister, your sister's older. So is she more like financially stable? I mean, she's older. So maybe she's had more years to, you know, I don't know what her husband does or I have more money now than I did when eight years ago, you know? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's how far we are apart in age too, eight years.

And she's much more stable. She has multiple homes. She owns a business. She has another job. She's in a good place. So she's completely out of touch with... Knowing that, if you have multiple homes, this is my humble opinion,

and you want to invite people to your event, your party, to celebrate you. And you want to do a destination of some kind, you either invite people that you know can afford it no problem or you offer to like pay. Or don't go like… And again, like I don't… Like I have a lot of siblings, you know? So… And not all of them in their same financial situation that I'm in. So I don't plan destination birthdays for myself and invite my family. But if I did and I wanted them all to be there,

there's some of them I would be like… You know, as a son, you know, like wherever I want my parents to be, I pay for because, well, they gave me life and everything I have. But that's just my choice. I'm in a very fortunate situation financially right now with my life and I'm very grateful for that. And so I try to be mindful of that. I'm not Robin Hood throwing my money around. But at the same time, if I want to celebrate me, fuck. And with family. And I don't want to assume. That's just me. I don't know. That's kind of how I felt. I will say this, though. When the price was initially that $420 and I asked her,

wait, why is it that much? She did say it's actually going to be like over $1,000 a night. It was on a different, it's more expensive for a weekend and fees and whatnot. She was like, I'm actually paying more. I forgot what she said, but she's like, I am paying more. So she is like paying more than everybody else, but she's still asking a lot. Yeah, but still, that's all relative. Yeah, it is relative. She might be paying more, so she thinks I'm paying more, but that doesn't change how something may or may not be affordable to you.

Yeah, definitely. Or you can kind of check in and just be like, if I'm your sister, at a minimum, I'm just like, hey, this is something I'd like to do. Is this reasonable? If you're asking people to spend money, what's interesting about this call, a lot of people have different opinions about this. Everyone listening is in different financial situations.

But I think, I mean, I know there are some people, like if you have a birthday party and you invite people to your dinner, when we were younger younger all your friends would like nut up and like let's all pitch in we'll split the check and we will pay for the birthday person when you're older I mean there are people who are just like if you throw your birthday dinner for yourself you pay you pay for the dinner you know you're celebrating you want your friends to be there. You know? It is your, like,

I want to be around special people. So, like, yeah, come over for dinner and I'll buy food. Like, if you throw a party for your birthday, you know, you pay for the food and you bring it over. Your sister's 40 with a second fucking home. You know?

She's not in college. You know, asking her, like, closest friends to come out and I'll split the check. I don't, that's just, I'm If you try to, I don't know, she's like a tough one to communicate with sometimes. I mean, we don't get in like a ton of fights, but when we do, it's really hard to have a normal conversation with her. That's why I usually like just try to avoid fights completely because just getting into it usually makes things worse. That's what her and my sister are doing now over that thing with my mom. And they, they like start insulting each other below the belt kind of comments. It just turns really bad.

So I avoid it. Um, so when she did send that screenshot, my response was, I am, there's not going to be any drama. Um, it's going to be really fun. We just can't afford the whole weekend. And, um, we're really looking forward to it. And my husband responded saying, you know, sorry that you guys got into a fight over that. We don't mean for you to fight over us at all.

But, you know, we can't do everything we want to do financially and I need to be careful for these reasons. And we'll be there and we're really excited. She's like, you know what? I appreciate the response, but you guys can always make more money. It's just money.

She was like- Your sister at the second home said you can always make more money and it's just money. Your sister at the second home said you can always make more money and it's just money? Yeah. She's like, you can't get these experiences back or family or memories. And my husband was like, well, that's true. That's why we are going to be there. We just can't be there for the entire weekend. So now she's not talking to me. I saw her once. She's very standoffish. And the weekend hasn't happened. No, it's two weeks from now.

So of course I'm feeling guilty. And I brought up my husband. I'm hearing your side of the story, but I'm like, I don't know if I've ever been more than 100% in someone's corner. Really? Is it I am in yours? I mean, again, I'm not saying you're lying. And Eddie, it's just, I'm only hearing your side. And I am so, your sister could not be more wrong.

Everything that was discussed was discussed in text message. And I sent all of those text messages. So like literally everything. Oh, yeah. That's it. I haven't spoke to her in person about anything. So what you're saying is what's happened. I just like, that's it. I haven't, I haven't spoke to her in person about anything. So what, what you're saying is what's happened. I just, just like, think about it. Like your sister,

again, if you have a second home, you're in a good position relative to the average, like American. And you're just, God, have the self-awareness not to tell people how to spend their money or what's affordable to them. Or it's, congrats for your sister and her husband that like making money is so easy for them. And again, I recognize that I'm in this thing called Cameo. I don't know if you've heard of it. And sometimes I joke around when I like waste some money. It's like, oh, I just have to wish someone a happy birthday. I'm in a very fortunate position that I can like,

you know, people enjoy me wishing them a happy birthday. I get self-conscious about it. It seems silly, but I'm blessed to have that happen. But I recognize that. And I don't just go around like calling up my sister or brother who are in very different situations and different walks of life and different ages. And they're maybe in between like maybe quitting one job and following a passion that might like require them to take a little bit less money. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? All these different variables. And I think it's fucking nuts for anyone in your sister's position to just assume that or not recognize how good they might have it and tell other people close to them how to spend their

money and then just be like, oh, you just make more money. And then even though you're trying to go to her birthday event, even though you're like, listen, you just make more money. And then even though you're trying to go to her birthday event, even though you're like, listen, this is still money, but we're going to be there. Now she's like giving you the cold shoulder prior to leading up to her birthday celebration. I'm about you. I wouldn't fucking go.

Like, I'm good. Like, I'm not spending money to be fucking miserable around you. That's what I would. I mean, that's just me. I might be a little bit be fucking miserable around you. That's what I would. I mean, that's just me. I might be a little bit more spiteful than you. But where do we have these? Yeah, I have thought about that, like what it's going to be like if we're there.

So I'm wondering if I should try to have a conversation with her. I don't want it to be awkward and dramatic. I'm not going to be dramatic. Neither is my husband. And if we're there, what would be dramatic is if she's giving me the cold shoulder, being standoffish. And if her husband makes any kind of little comments,

because he's very, he's really fun and like jokes around, but he also has no filter and will just say anything. So, I mean, they're, I'm just wondering if they're going to be sort of like some comments. I mean,

you know, you're such a better than I do, but it's just so weird. You know, this reminds me of a story like when I first moved to LA you know there's a lot of like interesting people in LA

and I met this guy who my financial situation was very different back then than it is now and I was hanging with this guy

who lived in this community called Olympic Village beautiful house he clearly was doing well at least he even I mean, he, even if he like spent all the money he had to show his wealth, he was still doing well. He referred to himself as like a billionaire at the time,

definitely not a billionaire. And he would talk about his money all the time. And then he would like invite women to like sit with us. And then that, and I wasn't even eating. And then he'd want to split the check. And then he would call an Uber and then have a split an uber it was just the most nuts thing it's just like you're talking about your money constantly but you you want everyone to split and that like reading your sister's text it just that's what kind of reminds me of where she's just

like I have all these plans and we're gonna do this and this is what I want to do keep in mind this is not like a family event where your sister's organizing said event and she's taking notes from everyone. What do you want to do? What are you interested in? What do you like to eat? No, your sister is just planning her favorite weekend, asking people she wants to spend it with to be involved,

and then charging them. Yeah. Am I missing something? Because she has like her like, she has what's on the menu. She's like, sorry guys, I'm spending a lot on this vacation.

This is yours. I'm really excited to celebrate and I agree to 420, but I need to be mindful of what I'm spending and set boundaries or I'll be screwed. Everything adds up. I hope you don't take it too personally.

Love you. Just a lot of things that came up in a short period of time. I'm really excited about your birthday and I'm budgeting for it. The food, the wine, tour, and a bunch of... I'm ready for Sunday. I'm ready for it. Excited.

Yeah, someone hearted the message. I'm assuming that your sister... Yeah. All right. And she responded back hey I need to know who is in for my birthday including wine to her and this is like a group oh this is you this is you another person yeah and Venmo so she just hearted that message and then kind of like sent to you and your sister like basically

who's in who's not yeah at a later date conversation who's coming you remind her again hey girls sorry but we're financially can't do the whole weekend anymore you want to celebrate your birthday like you said i'm sure she responded so basically what you said oh my god you're gonna love this what what you already know but i'm going to also keep an extra 20 per person for tip because they automatically add it she is nickel and diming everyone

miss this second home done you have your money okay thank you you are too kind sister's a terror I also just think the fact that she

wasn't up front about the cost of it just shows that she's really not operating from a mindset of like, this could be a big financial thing for people. She thinks she's being upfront. Yeah. But like, what's 80 bucks to one person is completely different to someone else. Right.

And changing the price of like the accommodation and the food and everything else is just like, I don't know, kind of displaying that like, even from the way she's communicating, it's evident that she doesn't really see your perspective or take a turn on your needs. Okay. We know your sister sucks. So how are we going to handle it? So is that your question? Like what should you do?

Yeah. So, yeah, because I feel really guilty. So there's been like two times where I – All right. Stop feeling guilty. You have my permission. I don't know if that matters to you to not really guilty. So there's been like two times where I... All right, stop feeling guilty. You have my permission. I don't know if that matters to you, to not feel guilty.

You're clearly so kind and empathetic here. And like, I personally think you're being taken advantage of by someone who like, it seems to be really only concerned about their birthday. She's a birthdayzilla. I suspect that your sister

is like this in life. I feel like things kind of are usually like on her terms. I don't know if it's because she has kids and I don't and she has whatever the case is. But I feel like things usually are kind of on her terms or her schedule. And you know what? I have no problem. I'm a self-sufficient guy. I do what I want when I want to do it for the most part.

But I don't expect people to come along if they're not into it. I certainly don't make them feel guilty for not wanting to spend money they might not have. So if your sister wants to, like, do things in her terms, I don't have a problem with that. You know? Yeah. But, like, this whole, like, drama, like,

I think the only appropriate response would be to your text of, like, hey, we're not going to be able to hold birthday weekend would be like, hey, do what you can. I really appreciate you guys like doing what you can because I know it's not easy. I'm excited to be there when you are. Like that's literally the only suitable option your sister could have responded with. Yeah. That I think wouldn't have like meant that she kind of sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So do you think then, I mean, I wanted to see what you thought and it sounds like you're kind of in my corner. You're obviously in my corner. So now if we're going to, I'm not

going to fail on the whole weekend because, or just the whole thing, I'm not going to not go. I'm still one to go. What do you think about the possibility of calling your sister? Yeah. I'm still one to go what do you think about the possibility of calling your sister or saying hey you available for lunch do you guys live in the same area I can just show up at my mom's and she'll be there I don't think you should do that I think you should ask her out to lunch

or some coffee you could get on the phone at a minimum definitely not text and definitely not around other family members and you just say hey listen first again I love you The phone at a minimum. Definitely not text. And definitely not around other family members. And you just say, hey, listen. First, again, I love you. I want to spend your birthday with you.

But it hurt my feelings that like, to be totally honest, it feels like you are dismissive of my financial situation and my husband, is it your husband? Your husband? Yeah. Financial situation. And like, I mean, what do you want? You want me to, like, what it your husband? Your husband? Yeah. Financial situation. And like, I mean, what do you want? You want me to, like, what do you mean it's easy? Maybe it's not as easy for me to make money as it is for you. I hope to be in your position one day. But like,

I don't feel like I should feel guilty because of this. I want to be there. But like, since then, you've been giving, it feels like you've been giving me the cold shoulder because I can't afford to do what you want on your birthday. And I don't want this type of energy. I can't afford what I am spending. So I love you, but I would confront her a little bit. I would stand your ground and you can do it in a respectful way. You can remind her that you love her. You can, you know, but like you could, and then use the words like it feels like, you know,

this is how it feels to me. What if her response when I'm saying it's just not something we can afford is, you can't afford it. I know what you make of. Oh, oh. You could afford it if you wanted to. I would lose my fucking shit. It's not your right to tell anyone how they should spend their money or what you make. Oh, oh. You could afford it if you wanted to. I would lose my fucking shit.

It's not your right to tell anyone how they should spend their money or what they value. She's your sister, right? She's not your conscience, right? So she has no idea what you're into, what your hobbies are, what, like, she doesn't know everything about you. I don't know. Maybe you guys made a, like, a bad investment in Bitcoin. I don't fucking know.

Like, it's not her fucking place to tell you how to spend your money. And if she says it, I would respectfully say, listen, with all due respect, I don't tell you how you spend yours. Please don't tell me how to spend mine. You don't know our financial situation. You're my sister. Trust that I'm being honest with you, that this is a big ask and I'm trying to make it work. But like, life's not all about you. You know, no offense to your birthday. Like, I don't know if I feel like, you know, picking up extra shifts at work. You know, I want to enjoy my husband or I want to like,

whatever, I don't have to explain myself to you. How about you just say thank you for me trying to make it work for your birthday. And we'll enjoy ourselves because if you're going to make it miserable then we won't come and listen the good news is as family as she's your family and sometimes they cannot talk to you for a couple months or whatever but they're your family so that's just how i operate but i think it's important to set boundaries with siblings and family members and parents. They're never going to cut you off.

And like, you're 100% right here. You just are. You do it in a respectful way. Let her know, you know, don't come at her. But like, I don't think you will. You're a very, you can tell you're very kind. And I think people take advantage of your kindness, to be totally honest. But yeah, I think the healthy thing to do would be to set a boundary

and have a one-on-one conversation with your sister and respectfully let her know that like, I don't appreciate the way you talk to me or how you tell me to spend my money or, you know, like, but I will be at your birthday and I'll spend what I can as long as like you can tell me that you're just going to be appreciative of it and not be miserable. Because I don't, I don't want us to like come and be made to feel guilty or have it be a thing or hear like off putting comments from her, from your brother-in-law.

And if she can't respect that, then there's a world where you don't go, you know? Yeah. Let her know. No, it's not okay. She'll come around. That's really helpful. Yeah, I think so too. I'm going to talk to her. That's very helpful. Thank you. I really, really appreciate it. Very often people, you're 100% right here. Woohoo. Thank you. All right. Thanks for calling. I needed that. All right. Okay. Thank you so much. Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you. Take care. Okay, bye. How's it going? how are you good what's your name my name is caroline hi caroline i'm 25 years old how can i help so i have this interesting situation um with kind of like work and personal kind of combined um about a year ago i joined a kind of it's like a committee at my work it It's kind of like more along the lines of like we plan events and stuff for a wider business, but it's not actually like aligned with people that I directly work with. So it's people that are all around like my age planning events for like the younger population at work. Right when I joined, I noticed on like Zoom that I had actually matched and talked to somebody on a dating app

that was on the committee I didn't actually directly work with him um but that's kind of part of the story so then life goes on committee like kind of it's like we plan like fun events like health and wellness events stuff like that um so about a month later i actually like see him out at a bar totally so you matched nothing you guys you guys knew of each other at work no because i actually started in the role like right before i joined this committee so i remembered at the time i was like oh yeah he does work there but it didn't say it was soon that when you swiped right you thought he knew you worked for the company as well? Oh, no.

No, sorry. To be clear, we had matched like a year before that. Oh, I'm sorry. You matched a year before? Yeah. So like before we even worked together. And you're like, oh, this is some guy I matched with a year before. Okay.

And then you saw him out. Okay. And I saw him out. Okay. So this whole like one night thing, really nothing comes of it, but that did happen. So this whole like one night thing, really nothing comes of it, but that did happen. And then a few months later down the road, we, him, myself, and someone else on the committee kind of like became friends. We all live in the same town.

We started hanging out like outside of work. The whole dating app thing is one night thing is in the past. But I become really close with the two of them. We're kind of like a group of three. So we a little bit further down the road, I'm closer with the other one. Is it a guy or a girl? Guys. Two guys, me. Okay.

So the one who is not on the dating app, a few months later, tells me that, I think I really have feelings for you, all this stuff, and kind of becoming awkward because we do all work together in the same floor, same setting. It's just like now we're directly not working on the same teams. But I had told him, like, look, I really don't think that's a good idea, mixing work stuff with relationship stuff. It's not like anything that I really want to complicate, yada, yada. like anything that I really want to complicate, yada, yada. But the truth is that you just weren't that interested because if it was the other guy, you probably would have been like,

well, like what's H&R's policy? Right. So, well, not necessarily. I mean, it was awkward. Like after the first guy, like it was uncomfortable in meetings for a little while. Like now we go back to the office, you have to see them in person. And it's always just like there in the back of your mind,

but it's not the most comfortable thing in the world. So yeah. So then this comes up and I tell him like, look, I don't want to like overcomplicate things with work. I just think that we should stay friends. You're a really good friend of mine. You mean a lot to me. So he decides that like he should pull away as a friend like doesn't think he wants to be that close and everything that's fine we don't talk for a few months a few months go by he comes back he's like i really don't think i handled that situation properly i would like to

be your friend i'd like to like i know we work together i actually disagree with him yeah yeah i almost do too um like that's an appropriate response. You shot a shot. Good for him. Yeah. You didn't want it. He needed to take some time. Like it would be more weird for him to be like, all right, let's just pretend that didn't happen.

Exactly. He shot it. And then he came back and said, you know, I've processed my feelings. I'm over it. I've accepted it. I feel a little less awkward. And like if, yeah, I mean. Right.

So all good. Comes back. We're friends again. This has been the past few months. We got really close. Just being friends again. We live in the same town. We just hang out.

Not anything weird, but happy hours with other people. Nothing one-on-one or anything that would make you uncomfortable. But then actually this past week, the dating app guy is moving away. So we had a happy hour with other people from work. And I guess after I had left, he had mentioned to the one that I'm now friends with about what happened almost a year ago at this point. So he gets upset and he's like, you told me that you didn't want to complicate things with people at work. And we, the three of us.

Wait, what did he tell him? Like nothing happened. He told him that we had hooked up one time. Oh, you did hook up with dating app guy. Oh yeah, once. That was the one night that I saw him off. You breezed through that. You made it seem like, oh, I saw him out

and we like, you literally said nothing. Oh no. Yeah. Okay. Once there was nothing. So you met him out that one time you had some sex and then you guys just didn't talk about it. You're like, all right, whatever. Right. Never talked about it. Never took anything further. One time. So now the other guy finds out this past week about it. And he gets all upset, like devastated. You lied to me back in the fall.

You weren't telling the truth. I was trying to explain to him that one night breezing over it is a lot different than when there's feelings involved and you complicate things. What did you say to him? So I said, look, I'm sorry for not telling you. First of all, I don't really like to talk about stuff like that. It's none of his business. It's none of your business.

I kind of said, I don't necessarily even say these things all the time to people that I'm really close with, let alone somebody that I work with, that I'm friends with at work. I don't want you looking at me differently. It's a really personal thing. Yeah, because the response is, listen, I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're upset is not an apology, by the way, but that is an appropriate time to say I'm sorry you're upset because you have nothing to be sorry for. But you are sorry he're upset because you have nothing to be sorry for but you are sorry is upset right exactly and the point is like I learned my lesson

and I don't feel like it was your business for me to tell you about like my past partners but that was part of the reason why I felt the way I did even though you're kind of lying. Yeah. But exactly. That's exactly what I said. If there's a lesson to be learned, next time just tell the truth. Hey, listen, I'm just not feeling you. And I just don't see that. And don't bring up work. Because that was kind of an excuse you used. And maybe there's some truth to it.

But if it was something you're really into, you would have figured it out. Right, exactly. And I agree with that. And this is, I have said all these things. He is overstepping his place with the expectation that you were somehow supposed to tell him about your past partners.

Right. And like, we were not even, like, it's not like we're dating. We're friends. Did you say that to him? Did you check him? I did. So I did tell him.

I was like, look, I mean, that's a personal thing. I'm not somebody that really goes and like talks about that stuff to begin with. Whether, no matter who it is in my life, like we just, I'm not super open about it. It's a personal thing. On top of that, it was a little bit awkward after the fact with him.

So that set a little bit of a president precedent for me with people at work like that's i didn't want to experience that especially on like a more serious level he got jealous and embarrassed about the story he heard from the other guy and took it out on you yeah so it goes a little bit further so then he decides no more like has to back away again. Doesn't want to be friends anymore. Whole thing all over again. And I'm like, okay, look, I understand.

Like, this is clearly something that is recurring for you. And I bother you to some degree. But now, and this actually just happened yesterday. It's been a little while. We haven't been talking. He comes back again and is like, I really value your friendship. I want to be friends with you.

You mean a lot to me. I want to move past it and be close and be friends again. And I don't know what to do now because it's so awkward because I don't want to necessarily be like, hey, I don't want to be your friend or whatever because we do have a lot of the same like i don't know senior management he's not interested in being your friend though i i know and i can't tell like i really truly don't know i'm afraid that like either a he's already at that point where he doesn't want to just be friends or b if he's not already then

he's going to be soon and then i'm to have to go through it all over again. And you guys still work together. We still work together and we work on the same floor. We have a lot of the same managers. Quite honestly, it's getting to the point where it's becoming an issue for work

for you. Yeah, that's what I... That's exactly... Harassment's a strong word and the fact that he, he works with you just makes it, it's not harassment, but like he is not being cognizant of, of the fact that you guys work together. He's not respecting the position you're in and he is not and he's being reckless reckless with the positions he he's in listen he's got feelings for you i empathize with a guy who like he's trying to just face this rejection head-on he hasn't done anything like terrible he's human we've all felt

embarrassed and prideful we all took out our frustration on someone who didn't deserve it like i'm not trying to come down on this guy but but he's, you gave him a second chance already. And the truth is he confirmed the second time what you suspected maybe the first time. And that is, he's not really interested in being your friend. What he's interested in is keeping you around and close because he just has a crush on you. And he, and maybe he even thinks and convinced himself he can be friends with this person. I always give Amanda, my, one of my assistants a hard time that like, she loves to think she can be friends with everyone she's ever dated. And like, sometimes that's possible, but like, you know, we're human, but for you, the fact that you guys work together, I don't think you have to do

anything, you know? And I don't, I don't think you have to do anything, you know? And I don't think you're going to or should do this per se, but I think you'd be within your right to take this to HR, you know? I don't know if you should, but I'm just saying, I think at this point, there's no wrong thing for you to do because you've been put in this kind of uncomfortable situation where you have to consider work as part of the equation you know what i'm saying like in a normal dating situation you wouldn't have to be like but i work with this guy and the fact that you are thinking but i work with this guy so that might change how i address this guy like you shouldn't have to be made to feel that way at a place of employment does that that make sense? No, it does.

And it's also like, it's uncomfortable because we're in calls together. I have a call with him in 30 minutes and we have to sit on Zoom together. Is it just the two of you? No, it's a few people. And then I'm going into the office too.

So we do see each other in person. We sit close together. He knows my manager. It's like crossing these weird my manager like it's like crossing these weird lines now where it's like i don't know what he could say about me to people like could it change my reputation not that i necessarily think that he would are you actually worried about that not really um i think i overthink i get worried overly anxious about things like that i am but i just don't think you should have to worry about that at all.

I don't think so either. Here's what I would do if I were you. We're getting into a territory that I'm not an expert in HR policy or things like that, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But if I were you, I would give him the benefit of the doubt to talk to him, at least. I wouldn't just go to HR and I wouldn't ignore him. So I would acknowledge what he said.

But I would hold my ground and be like, listen, I think you're a great guy. But the fact that this is the second time you're coming back into my life after you've decided that you couldn't be in my life, which I respected. But I respected the fact that you couldn't do that. And the fact that you're now coming back in, I'm just not ready. I'm not in a position to just be your friend. Like, I understand your feelings were hurt, but you accused me of something that like, quite frankly, wasn't any of your business. And like, I'm totally fine to be cool with you. Like we can be friendly. We can be chill, but we're just but I just think we're past the point of no return when it comes to us being friends because I have no confidence

that something might come up with you being triggered about your emotions as it relates to me or something to that effect. Yeah. Because I mean, yeah, that reminds me now the first time that it came up, it was because like, we were just talking as friends and he was like, Oh, what are you doing today? I was like, Oh, I'm going on a date. And I started like going on dates with this guy. And then that's when he started pulling back and was like, Oh, that's been the feeling. He's not interested in being your friend at all. Right. So I'm like, okay, so what happens now if I start dating somebody?

Then do I have to deal with this all over again? I don't think you should be his friend. I think you can respond to him or not respond to him. You don't have to do anything. I don't think you owe this guy anything. So I want to make that clear. And then if you do want to acknowledge his request, you just say, listen, I think you're a great guy. But I just don't think us like hanging

out as friends is a smart thing you know yeah he doesn't get to come and go like that's right you you distance yourself from me as a friend two times now and i think we should just leave it at that like i think we can be cool if we go hang out at work we work together like i i think I think you're great. I have no problem being around you, but I just don't know if we're ever going to be friends with who we used to because quite frankly, that situation was upsetting to me as much as it might've been upsetting to you. And I don't want to go through that anymore with you. And I think you just leave it at that. If he doesn't simply just respect that, then I think you have to start considering protecting your reputation at work or engaging HR. Again, I'm not an expert in that. So maybe talk to someone who's a little bit more well-versed when it comes to stuff like that. But you shouldn't have to worry about that at work. No, that's a good point. It's to take it as a,

maybe we should be less good friends, just work with colleagues. And then... I wouldn't even say less good friends. I'd say I'm friendly. Professional. Of course, I'm like, I think you're great and I have no problem being friendly

and interacting with you. Use words like that. And I would text it to him so you have a paper trail. Yeah, that's a really good point because yeah maybe talking in person is not ideal then I don't think you should do this in person right because I just I think there should be I do think there should be a paper trail of you trying to set a clear boundary with him I think so too because just because I know him

and I know how he is like he told me that in this last little stint where we were not communicating how horribly difficult it was for him and that. Yeah, I don't give a shit about his feelings anymore. All he cares about is his feelings. That's clear about this guy. Yeah. And it does bother me. Like I think about it because I, like you said, it crosses over to work, right? Like we know a lot of the same people from a professional perspective. I think you're trying to be too cool about this. I don't think you should ever have to feel this way. You try to be cool.

And if, again, if you want to give him the courtesy of like setting this boundary with him and asking him to respect that boundary and say things like, I think, you know, I have no problem being friend. I've never had a problem being friendly with you. But as far as like being friends

again, I think, you know, um, I think that ship is like, I, I'm not comfortable with doing that given, um, what's happened in the past. No, that's, that's that's I really say like in the past in the past you you were friends with me in the past and being friends with you you you judged my personal life because it didn't fit in with how you wanted it or something I don't even know if you have to give them that much I would keep it very brief I'd almost keep it professional yeah Yeah. I would want your text to have a hint of professionalism more than a personal text because I want him to get the hint

that you're thinking about work. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, no, that's a good point. And if anything, this entire situation has defended my stand on what i had said to him months ago like even just us being friends has now caused a disruption for me at work

because of the dramatics we've gone through so i don't yeah some version of that maybe get like a do you have any friends you know about like stuff? I don't know. I do. I do. But yeah, no, I need to do that. And it's perfect timing because... Have a paper trail, text it, and even have that response. Be brief and as much as it's professional, as it is friendly. Yeah.

Keep it at something you could say in a work setting. Yeah. Text people in the sense that if people at work saw it, it would come across as someone who is trying to set a boundary, who has dealt with this behavior in the past and is hoping not to deal with it in the future. That's what the tone should read.

And I don't think you should worry about his feelings. I don't think so either. I think I need to stop being too nice about it. I really have a problem with like, like I think sometimes I'm too nice and I try to let people back in. So, you know, I'm not trying to just like, come on this guy too hard

or suggest he's some like terrible person. I think he's just getting too caught up in his own feelings. He's not being professional. He's being inconsiderate of your feelings and how it relates. And he's not taking, it's not taking no for an answer in a really passive aggressive way

that is exactly what i need to do i just need to hear it from somebody i think all right well best of luck i'm sorry you're in this sticky situation but thank you it's okay it's just the the crossover between uh work and personal life. It's getting a little complicated. Lesson learned. No, seriously. Seriously. All right. Well, it seems like a relatively harmless lesson, but...

Yeah, at least it could have gotten worse. For sure. All right, well, nip it in the bud, and I think hopefully it should be okay. Will do. All right. Thank you so much. Take care.

Have a good one. You too. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, what a great episode. Well done, us. Don't forget to tune in to all our episodes this week with Recap One with Christina Harris,

Allie Barthwell, Tuesday night, and someone who's really pissed off after AFR will be with us to probably talk a lot of shit. And you won't want to miss it.