The Viall Files - E397 Ask Nick - My Mom Gave My Friend A Handjob

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode we answer your burning questions to help you navigate the crazy world of dating. Our first caller doesn’t know what to do after her mom shows up to a bar drunk and hooks up with the caller’s friends. Feeling betrayed by both her mom and her friends, our caller feels that her trust in all of them has become completely shattered. Now, she wonders if she should try to forgive or if these actions are too egregious to get over. Our next caller is in a very happy relationship with her boyfriend while they are both in the military. But quickly, her reality is warped when she learns that her boyfriend has a wife and four kids back home. After finding out more while he is deployed, our caller confronts her boyfriend about everything. Now, she wonders where to go from here and if she can preserve any aspect of the relationship. Our last caller is having issues after having a major falling out with her younger brother when she asks him to be in her wedding. Our caller feels that her brother’s girlfriend is influencing him, when on the flip of a switch the brother says that being close to your family and having a good relationship with them is weird and unusual. Now our caller asks how to potentially navitate helping her brother who may be in an emotionally abusive relationship and how she can repair relationships that are being ripped apart.  “It’s hard to stay contained under a pressure cooker situation.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: The Zebra: Get your free quote today at http://www.TheZebra.com/VIALL  Article: Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at http://www.Article.com/VIALL  Storyworth: Get started right away with no shipping required by going to http://www.StoryWorth.com/VIALL  ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's like a journey. I feel like we've been producing some really great content this month. Yeah, I think so. A factory, a podcast factory, and all the elves. What a great time to be like, give us like a five-star review. Why not? We've been working hard. It's like, if we're this thirsty, please quench our thirst. We're not quite as thirsty as the women on the tell-all trying to get on Paradise, but we're thirsty for a five-star. We're up there. We're up there.

We're up there for a five-star review. What's new? What do we got going on? Well, I have a question, which is, at what point do you stop cleaning your room for someone that you're heading over in a romantic capacity? Are you talking about for a hookup? Are you dating or are you hooking up?

Neither. Nick has a reverse strategy where he would put no effort in. If I am in a hookup situation and I want to maintain this hookup that's just a hookup, I have deliberately not cleaned up. Because you're like, I'm so irresistible unless

I have the flaw of a messy bedroom. No, it has nothing to do with like, you know. What is it? Being confident and, you know, my sexual prowess or whatever. It's just, I'm not trying to, just in case, I'm not going out of my way to impress. If it's a little messy, that's fine. You know? Like, I'm not running away from a potential ick. Okay. I hear that.

You know what I'm saying? I would argue, though, because I think it's maybe more intimate to not clean up and to, like, let people see the way you really exist. Because I think you can tell when someone's room is clearly very made very presentable and I think it's kind of endearing when you get to see people's like space as it really is as long as it's not like gross yeah I don't mean like gross I'm not like I don't filth but like I it's always like I'm just trash on the floor I meant to clean or whatever or you know, it's just a little messy, but it's like picked up, you know? But I definitely, for like in the past,

when it was like, and if it was just a hookup, I was never, I'd be like, I should probably pick this up, and I'd be like, you know what, fuck it. I don't care.

But if it's someone you do want to date? Then yes. And then, okay, when does it stop? It never just, it never stops. You just start getting comfortable. So you think and then, okay, when does it stop? It never just, it never stops. You just start getting comfortable. So you think it's like a slow phase?

I think it's like a slow phase of, I think what happens is in your time of hanging out, they kind of pick up on the fact that, if you're like, let's say you're kind of a messy person, and once they're like, yeah, you're like, okay. Yeah, they're like, I've seen your car. I know how you live. Yeah, like, you know, if you're not the person who's like imm yeah, you're like, okay. Yeah, they're like, I've seen your car. I know how you live. Yeah.

Like, you know, if you're not the person who's, like, immaculate all the time, I think it just kind of slowly you get comfortable with being like, yeah, I mean, my mirror isn't always clean. Allie, do you judge? Or one, do you clean your room? Do you judge? Allie judges. Do you judge mental person?

I would watch Judge Allie if that were a show on daytime television. Do you judge people for the state of their rooms? Yeah, absolutely. Cars, apartments. I like keep a very clean car. I feel like my version of this might be my throw pillows. When do I stop putting the throw pillows on the bed? Because I have like seven of them.

It's a lot. Do you think it's fair for anyone, guy or girl, who is dating a woman in her early to mid-20s, who lives alone, who has seven pillows, to presume at least some level of high maintenance? High maintenance is a loaded word. Again, some level. I didn't say like a lot, but just...

I had all of these pillows in college. They moved with me. Well, I just have really nice bedding. I just don't know if that's like low maintenance. Well, yeah, like what do you, I guess I'm curious what you mean by high maintenance. Like someone who's like very, she's a bitch. Six pillows you don't use is by definition of a higher,

I don't mean like higher, it's like, yeah, like everything else is these days, there's a spectrum of maintenance, you know, and I'm not saying this person's a nightmare. It's not, it's not like a red flag. It's not a non-negotiable. And I know it's a pretty common thing, but this person is someone who likes things a certain way. They spend the majority of their life on the floor and I did not buy them. My mother did. I now have five or six.

But my bedding is... We have pillows. My bed when it's made, like a Macy's store. You guys have seen my bed. Cindy makes. You've seen my bed. Our bed.

Yeah. You got some pillows. We have some pillows. Natalie decorates. And once in a while, Nally makes. But Cindy usually makes our bed. That doesn't surprise me. I have started making my bed, and I feel like it's done wonders for morale.

It's great. But I think it's interesting because there's the spectrum of, I feel like there's a very narrow area that I try to exist in. It's bullshit whenever I realize it. I just do this all the time subconsciously where I'm like, okay, I is, it's like bullshit whenever I realize it. I just like do this all the time subconsciously where I'm like, okay, I don't want to look like a slob. Like I don't want to look like I'm not put together or anything,

but then I also don't want to look too intentional because I know that I was like, all my shit is from Facebook marketplace. I don't want them to think I'm doing my best. I want them to know that I'm in the middle and not really trying that hard with certain decor elements. So you don't have any candles lit when they come over or anything like that? I feel like that is

so... That to me feels like a really sexually aggressive move. It depends on where the candle is. But like have you ever gone to a guy's house and you can like tell he's just panically cleaned with like some sort of like guy's house and you can, like, tell he's just panically cleaned with, like, some sort of, like... Spray.

Myers, you know, soap. Like, you walk into his bathroom and, like, this smells clean. And chances are that was because it was filthy before. I feel like a lot of this has to do with, like, growing up, we always cleaned everything. Like, even now, with, like, our really, really good friends, we will, like, race them home if they want to come over for drinks after we, like, get dinner.

And my mom is like, you take the downstairs, I'll take the upstairs. I'm, like, lighting candles, fluffing pillows. Well, when we have company over now, Nally and I, like,

definitely, like, pick up. But I've just been trained to, like, light the candles, have everything picked up, nothing out. We light a candle and they're kind of our walkway coming in.

I think all men should definitely, like, at least check the toilet and clean their toilet. Yeah. Oh, that's a good question. Also, what is the... Wipe the toilet seat down. Make sure there's no dried pee and shit like that.

Or dust. I've never seen dried pee on a toilet. You haven't looked. It's there. Have you ever lived with a guy? Yeah. And you've never noticed like... Oh, like your brother or like a boy?

No, like my ex and I like live together for like months at a time. We like quarantined together for like five months. And you shared the same toilet? We did. There were two bathrooms, but we used them interchangeably. He's also, he was, he's a very neat man. Like I think similar to you, he really doesn't like poop or general potty stuff. I'm just not like big on the, let's talk about poop jokes.

You really don't like poop. I just don't. And that's fair. That's fully respectable. I'm an adult. I recognize that it happens, but I'm not like, let's talk about shit all the time. And yeah, when you guys like have your poop jokes, I'm just not into it. My job. Not into it. We make constant poop jokes.

It's not all we talk about. Constant? No. But when you do, I roll my eyes. Yeah, I really filter myself around bathroom humor around you. That is maybe the one area I have actually... Thank you. There we go. It's professionalism.

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And we have the wonderful Chris Olson on Wednesday for our Going Deeper episodes to talk about your latest insight in all things pop culture. Our wonderful mediation call, Chris is hilarious and funny. And, you know, not too long ago got out of a relationship himself

and was vocal about talking about his heartbreak and we always love diving into that stuff so you will not want to miss all that fun stuff don't forget to give us five stars here are your callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hey i'm sydney i'm 25 hi sydney how can i help okay so i have probably the most interesting story you'll ever hear ever. All right. Well, we're gonna hold you to it. Okay. So I have two really, really good friends. I'll just call them J and C. Okay. Okay. Okay. So they're super,

super, super special to me. Like love them so much. Um, they travel for work. Um, so when they're in town, I usually try to get with them like as much as I can. Um, so we're at a bar. They, I mean, we're, I wasn't going to get too drunk. I had one beer and my mom has texted me. My mom, um, she likes to party. She's always been like the cool mom. Um, so she's texted me. She's like, what are you guys doing um i tell her we're at jd's so she comes and just shows up she doesn't like say she's coming or anything she's pretty wasted she's watching football with her friends how old's your mom she shows up she is like 52 okay maybe yeah um she walks in she's wasted um she's like acting super inappropriate

like just in general, just like flirting with my friends, which is kind of out of the ordinary. Like she has hung out with my friends before, but she doesn't like hit on them. She's like flirting with them. They're obviously uncomfortable. And it was like making me like really upset,

especially because I'm sober. Everyone else is drunk. She's wasted, you know? So I kind of was like, okay, you need to stop. Like if you're going to be here and do that, you need to go like somewhere else. So she goes and sits on the other side of the bar. My two really good friends, they realized I was upset. They also wanted to make like a good impression with my mom. So they go over to her and buy her a shot, which she probably didn't need it,

need it. And I look over and I'm just like furious. I'm just like, this is so like inappropriate. It's embarrassing. So I left and I went home. I had work the next day. So I went home. C is calling me and he's like, what do we do with your mom? And I'm so mad at her that I'm like, she can get an Uber. She can go home. Um, they end up taking her to a strip club with them. Um, and at this point it's not just my two friends. It's like a few mutual friends as well. So at a strip club, I had no idea until I checked their locations on the, um, find my friends app and I see that they're all there. So I'm like, where's my mom? They're saying that she left. Um, but she was still there. They're lying to me. And, um,

apparently she was like off in a corner with Jay, um, doing whatever they were doing. And, um, what is that? Sex, drugs, rock and roll? Like, well, I think there was some touching and some, um, making out. Okay. Yeah. We need specifics here. Cause yeah. Yeah. So, um, so yeah, that happened, but I didn't know about that.

So I'm thinking like, okay, they took her to a strip club. That's that's shitty, you know, but she's, she went home. She's fine. How old is Jay guy? He is my age. He's 25. Okay. 25. Yeah. and do you have any like history with him other than he's just a pal um he has like expressed that he wants to like date me

so that's kind of like why it was weird but my other friend kind of likes him like i would never date him but yeah that's probably not a good way to get someone to date you right i'm kidding um yeah yeah so um yeah so a week goes by and two of my other friends come over we're gonna go out and i was pretty pissed at like j and c um didn't know that anything happened at this point um so my other friend um we'll call him b he was like hey um i heard about your mom so like this is being talked about with like all of my mutual friends like everything i. I was like, yeah, kind of weird. They went to the strip club together. He was like,

wait, like, what do you know? And I was like, Oh, I just know that like they took her to the strip club. And he was like, he was like,

Sydney, like, this is not like what happened. And so this person who number one, wasn't even there is telling me what happened. Apparently she was like, like she was making out with Jay. And like,

um, there was like, I don't know how explicit Jay and like, um, there was like, I don't know how explicit I can be, but there was like some groping going on. You can be very explicit. Yeah. Okay. So like, I'm pretty sure she like gave him a hand job over his pants. So like an OTPHJ type moment in a car with all of my guy friends.

And I guess she like reached over and was like feeling on C as well. I had no idea about any of this. So this is like being talked about. I pretty much like at this point, I kind of forgave them just thinking that they just went to the strip club. I forgave my mom. And then I find that out and I was like, look, you know, I don't want to beat a dead horse. But like, I know that this happened. And Jay was like, yeah, it did.

Like nothing I can do about it at this point. Like, so sorry. And I was like, yeah, okay, whatever. So now Jay's still trying to date me like he like asked me all the time like why can't we be together so i guess like my question is like how would you handle this if this was if this was your friend hooking up with your mom and like yeah we didn't be friends anymore right and okay so like some people say that too and then like like in the back of my head it's like okay there was there are two mutual well i mean like i guess if we're trying to make it as

comparable as possible it's more like if a female friend of mine was hooking up with my dad yeah right like so if it was like a woman i was friends with but more like do you but you have no interest do you actually have an interest in these these, is it one or two guys trying to date you? So I've hooked up with C in the past, but we're like totally like just friends. Like nothing came from it at all. But J, like if my other friend, like one of my girlfriends wasn't interested in him,

I would probably go for him. But like, she's the type that would be like really pissed, even though he like, isn't like, it's not serious or anything. I feel like she would be like really angry if I did so um yeah that's another factor i guess well what what do you want to do well i just find myself like like i love them like they are so special to me like i've never had like a friendship but like i do with them and so that's like who's them so bad j and c and they're both guys yeah they're both guys? Yeah, they're both guys, yeah.

And you mean that when you say you've never had a friendship like you've had with them? 100%. And are you talking about just any friend, even the one driving next to you? Well, I mean like with guys. Okay. Like guy friends. Yeah. Does that matter to you? For example, when I've been single, right?

And there are periods in my times where I was single for a long period of time. And during those periods, I made some really close women friends. Women friends that I, you know, there was a level of love. Not like romantic love, but like you care about them, right? Right, right. And some of those people I'm still friends with, even though I have a girlfriend now, I don't see them as much,

but it changes your availability, even though it's completely platonic, completely platonic, the more energy I have, because I have a girlfriend, I have a partner, and she is very much my main priority. And what I mean by that is like, so now you're single. So it's nice to have these guy friends,

but is it a priority for you in general to have close guy friends in your life? Because the way I look at it, I just want to have like close friends, man, woman, whatever. I just want to have people that I can trust or go to hang out with have fun with all these things that you want from friends and sometimes friends can come and go you know when they like fuck your mom and things like that like sometimes they cross boundaries and the good news about like having a handful of friends is,

you know, sometimes the people who, friends who cross the line or stop being your friend, you have to set some boundaries. You say no to that friend, or maybe at least have to take a time out and be like, hey man, I'm, but the way you're describing it is, you're describing it as like, well, because they're men that I'm friends with, you put them in a different category

than other friends that you have. And I'm just curious as to why. I don't think it's like that. I think it's more like, I feel, I don't know, like our connection with each other is so different. Like they take care of me so much. Like they're always looking out for me, except for in that one moment.

How old are they? Jay, they're 25, 26. Okay. Jay, he hasn't been the best friend to me. It's more so us three together, which is great.

C is probably way better. But in my mutual friend group, there's no way I'm not going to be able to see them. If I cut them off, they're still going to be around. They're always going to be there. So that was like... It doesn't sound like...

It doesn't sound... Well, I guess the question I have for you and that I think you need to ask yourself is how... How do you really feel about this? Because when you told the story, you were immediately like, well, you know, I can't do anything about it. Like, we're...

I don't know. Like, listen, is it taboo what you said? Sure. Is it weird? Is it funny? Can we all crack jokes? Of course. But like, I don't know.

Do you give a shit? How much does it bother you? That night I went home and like literally cried myself to sleep. Okay. Just at the fact that they went to the strip club. That was one thing. And then like finding out from someone else that it was more than that, that more than like anything like they they swore up and down nothing happened so they lied we don't remember what yeah yeah they lied to me so it hurt you yeah so it did yeah it really did

so you're you're trying to pretend it doesn't you know you're for whatever reason you're afraid to lose this friendship these guys as you, add a value to your life. They're your friends. You say they take care of you or look out for you. It's nice to have friends that have your back, right? Right. And that is sad when that ends. Big question is, do you need them?

I would argue, no. It doesn't seem like you do. So do you have to cut them off? No. But you can certainly distance yourself. And will that make you sad? Sure, because like any relationship that ends, there's a mourning period. But they already portrayed this level of trust.

I think my advice is don't pretend you're not mad. Feel how you're going to feel. Yeah. If you feel betrayed, allow yourself to feel betrayed. Don't protect them. Don't make excuses for them. You know, it's like, what's the difference? Like if you were in a romantic relationship and someone cheated on you,

sometimes we like to pretend that we're not mad or, you know, make excuses because we're afraid of, well, does that mean I have to break up with them? I think I might have to break up with them. Well, fuck. I didn't want to break up with them, but they cheated on me. Everything was perfect before they did this one thing,

but that one thing matters. And I think the biggest takeaway here is, again, do you have to cut them off? I don't know, probably not. You don't feel unsafe. But how do you treat them going forward? You know, how much did you trust them with information, private information? How much did you go to them for advice or to rely on? To me, that would change how I approach them in the future. You still see them, see them at parties,

what's up, JC, whatever, man. Like, you know, and over time, but like, are they the same person for you going forward? Do you count on them as much? I wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't be my ride or dies anymore. Maybe they don't have my best interest in mind and the people who don't have my best interest in mind, maybe I shouldn't count on them to take care of me. Right. You're on a road trip with a friend. Like, you're fine.

You know what I'm saying? Like, you'll be fine. Yeah. It's not like you're like, when you say take care of, your appliance is like you're this 12-year-old on a street. And then if like they leave you, you're not going to know what to do. Like, you're self-sufficient.

You can take care of yourself. Is it nice to have people look out for you? Of course. Just like, you know, when you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they break up with you. Having a partner, I take care of Natalie, Natalie takes care of me. And if she breaks up with me tomorrow, there'll be things that she gave to me in our relationship I'm going to miss

in a way that she took care of me or my heart or made me feel okay. And that'll be sad. But I definitely would not compromise your feelings and dismiss your feelings and pretend to be okay with things because it might make the friend group awkward. Yeah. And we don't talk about it much anymore. But there has been times where we're out and like you know i get drunk he gets like jay gets drunk and we sit and we go back and forth over it and we still fight over it so still like you know it hasn't been healed completely but like what's his argument

he tries to he tries to um be the victim like oh you're never gonna let it go like blah blah and i'm like okay you're not gonna do that to me like you're not gonna make it seem like you're the one he's like oh yeah i'm just such a shitty person like okay no we're not going to do that until i'm like well i have two i have two two comments that is well the you're not going to let it go that is i wouldn't say a fair uh response but i guess it's somewhat an appropriate response since since you've chosen to try to still be friends with them you've tried to pretend that nothing has changed, but you still feel the way you do. And he feels that energy.

So he feels that judgment. So it's kind of fair to be like, you're never going to let this go, but we're friends because you haven't let it go. Nor should you, but he feels that. The other part of like, I guess I'm a shitty person. The only correct answer to that is, well, I don't know, maybe you are.

I don't know what you call people who like get hand jobs from other people's moms that you're a friend, but like maybe shitty people. I don't know. But like you are certainly something certainly unique. It's certainly like, you're certainly willing to do things that other friends might not. I don't know. Maybe it's just a bad friend. Maybe you're not a shitty person, but maybe you're just my bad friend. I don't know. It's certainly something. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And, and even like when I, uh, talked to my mom, I mean, my mom haven't but maybe you're just my bad friend i don't know it's certainly something yeah you know yeah for sure and and even like when i uh talked to my mom me and my mom haven't been like as close um as we used to be like best friends and now like i just like look at her and i'm like ew

you know what i mean like it's like yeah that's my other question does your mom have like a history of like is she a big partier or drinker were you you shocked by this? Or were you just like, oh, mom's being mom? She has always been kind of secretive with her romantic relationships, I guess. This is the shitty part, is that my stepdad passed away not even a year ago. And I think my mom is kind of breathing in the wrong way.

So she's going out and drinking. She has been drinking more than I've ever seen her drink. And it's not like she's an an abusive drunk like anything like that but she's like she does like pretty risky things aka like trying to screw over her daughter like that that was surprising to me like she's done some shitty things like when she's drinking but like screwing over her daughter is not something that i would assume she would do but how how where uh was your mom of this friendship dynamic oh she was she was super aware um she knew like they were they like how close they're like me me and the two guys like

we went on a vegas trip together like we we do a lot like i was always with them and so she knew she was just trying to be cool i think and she just wanted i think she's like going through a midlife crisis i mean she was being selfish. I mean, there's a world where I can imagine a 50-year-old woman stepdad passes away and two young men in their 20s are crushing on her,

living the dream, you know what I'm saying? But the only problem is they're her daughter's friends, and to live that dream or that fantasy required her to be selfish and go behind your back and betray your trust. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

It's not so much about the crazy story as it is about the violation of trust. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She could have the same thing in a different way that wouldn't be the juicy story that it is. Right far as the friends but the mom hey it's your mom I like I think you just you're gonna tell her how you feel and hopefully you know I don't know I feel like hey do you have you approached your mom like that really hurt me yeah but we didn't talk for like two weeks after it happened this was was a couple months ago. And then I ended up forgiving the guys.

And so I texted her and I said, I pretty much said, I'm probably never going to look at any of you the same. But if I forgive one, I feel like it's necessary to forgive all. And so... I don't know. It's two different relationships.

Yeah. I think about with your mom though, I think you have to... Back to my other point like your mom could have violated your trust and have been a selfish person and not done this kind of scandalous thing right and make no mistake it is scandalous and your mom might especially the sober version of her might feel a little bit of shame about that so when you do talk to your mom and confront your mom i've heard all about this don't make it about the action make it about like

what like what i mean you know what i'm saying like you don't have to like who does that how talk to your mom and confront your mom if at all about this. Don't make it about the action. Make it about what I mean. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to like, who does that? How fucked up is that? I mean, again, it would be normal for you to say, but your focus is, at the end of the day, you violated my trust. You went behind my back. You did something that I assume as a mom you would know

you wouldn't do to your friend or your daughter regardless of what it is. I don't care what you did. I don't care about the handjobs or the strip clubs. Because when you make her feel the shame about the action, it's going to take away from the real problem. And the problem is the violation of trust and going behind your back. I mean, if you want to pile on because you're mad,

I mean, go nuts. But if you're trying to resolve something with your mom, I would try to focus on what her actions, how it made you feel. So whether it was, I don't know, it could have been something completely not romantic. Like what if she, let's just say she stole money from you or competed with you, like went behind your back and tried to get a job you were trying to get or something. You know, all those things could have been something that's selfish and a violation of trust. Right. You know, I just want to be as a juicy story. And I think with, as far as these guys go, I think you can create space and separation, stop pretending that things haven't

changed because you're just confusing yourself. You know what I'm saying? And then you're confusing them. You feel how you feel and you're trying to treat them. You know, truth is, you know how people always say, forgive but not forget. Right. Good on you. You've tried to forgive them. You've tried to be the bigger person, but you haven't processed your emotions regarding the topic. You still have a feeling about it. You haven't, certainly haven't forgotten it, right? So you can choose to forgive someone, but that doesn't mean that you're healed from it. Shit leaves, you know, you can, it can leave scars and you have the right to feel that way.

So you can, it's totally reasonable to say, listen, I forgive you guys, but like, that doesn't change the fact that this has changed our friendship. And I don't want to keep like pretending that it didn't happen. I don't think you're a bad person. I need to have some space. And let them throw whatever tent... If they want to throw a guilt trip, you're a created space, so you don't have to hear it. Yeah. I think it helps that they travel for work too, because they're gone for weeks at a time. And so when I see them, it's only for short periods now. And when they're gone, we don't talk as much. So I think that's something that's changed is how often we talk while they're gone. But when they're in town, all of our friends get together and whatever. So I have to see them regardless.

But I do agree that I don't think it'll ever be the same. Even if I do end up getting over it, I don't think it'll be the same. Because that trust is broken yeah i mean it's just that back to the original point like do you want these people to quote unquote be the ones you count on to take care of you you know yeah yeah that's the point i don't i mean yeah they really have your best interests in mind i would argue no well i used to think so um yeah we yeah man this won't be the last time you think someone has your best interest in mind and find out they don't and maybe one point they did and things change i mean it's part of life yeah yeah and and like the way that like when i

found out everything happened the way that like they responded to it versus how my mom responded to it like my mom was like texting me at like 3 a.m like I cannot sleep because I know I hurt you so badly like you know like she actually seemed like really sorry about it but they like when I told them I sent them this like long text like you know like telling them like how I was really like blindsided by this and whatever and I was like I want to take time from us talking and blah blah they just like didn't even respond and then a few days goes by and I'm like are you guys just like going to ignore everything that

happened so it's it is like very different like how I forget they were certainly hoping you would yeah exactly yeah yeah I mean they're immature selfish guys you know and are they bad people no they made a huge mistake mistakes have consequences

and maybe the consequences is this affects the friendship and unfortunately it's you'll have to deal with the consequences of their actions as well but yeah you know i wouldn't i think the big thing is it's not fair to yourself to force yourself to like pretend you don't care and involve yourself in an environment that just makes you uncomfortable yeah you know let me ask you a question if uh if you found out your mom did this with two two of her friends that you had no idea who they were you know like it wasn't it wasn't involving your circle is this your mom. She's just like, Hey, crazy thing. I got drunk. I went to a strip with this guys. I was TMI. Sorry, daughter. But like, I just got like, was this filling them up?

And like, wow, this shit was wild. Like, what would you think? What would you think? I would laugh. I think that was funny. Okay. So the trust thing. Yeah, for sure. Like, I don't care what she does. Her sexual life is like whatever to me so that might be something to let your mom know because like take the shame and judgment out of that action away from it and and so that you can focus on what she actually did to you

because she can almost use that against you as be like oh you're just again you think I'm a bad person for doing this like again, if it was two strangers, I wouldn't have given a shit. Like YOLO. Like someday when I'm 50 and if I get divorced, I hope I have a wild night like that. But see that you did it to me, your daughter. And I just want, like, I want to trust my mom.

I want to trust that like you have my back. And like you, you know, these guys, you know, I was like, you know, dear friends with. And like, imagine the position that puts me in. Just make sure you focus it on that. Right. I agree. And then these other guys, whatever. I wouldn't.

There are other guy friends that will, I'm sure, be your friend and look out for you. I'm sure be your friend and and look out for you and I don't I definitely don't think you need them

to be good I agree I agree with that alright alright alright well have a safe road trip

trip I will thanks so much for talking to me my pleasure thanks for the story alright alright take care bye bye how's it going for talking to me. My pleasure. Thanks for the story. All right. All right. Take care. Bye-bye.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Good. My name is Maddie. I'm 26.

How can I help Maddie? Originally, when I wrote in, I had a question about whether or not I should, I guess, reconcile with my boyfriend.

A lot has happened. I'm in the military. He was underway for about a month. And in the process of all of that, I found out that he potentially was married with four kids, quite a lot. He found out that your boyfriend was married with four kids? Potentially married. For sure had with four kids possibly potentially married for sure had the four kids right what do you mean by oh so he had four kids well the marriage is a big part how how do you because he guess he could be divorced with four kids right he could be divorced right

so i i found it like on uh social media i'd like search uh his number on like google search or something because i was trying to find out his hometown. And what made you want to start snooping in the first place? So when I was emailing him, so he, without getting into too detail, he goes underway without communication. So the email was kind of like deployed. Yeah. He's deployed underway with no communication. So I searched the number just because I don't, I don't know.

Like my gut just told me, I don't know. You should searched the number just because I don't I don't know like my gut just told me I don't know you should search the number so I searched the number and that kind of linked to like figuring out everything and obviously a link to like a potential wife and then I found that he has four kids uh you say potential wife like there's like a girl on the gram like he's no it wasn't on Instagram because he doesn't do social media, but I found like her social media had like his last name and I was like, this is weird. And then there was no like, obviously since we weren't friends,

I couldn't see like certain things. So it seems clear that you found a woman who married or not, he seems to be in a very serious relationship where kids are involved. Correct. Gotcha. Okay. So what's to consider? I mean, obviously when you just say it like that, like without any information, I guess it's just hard because like when we were. it's just hard because like when we were how would you say it right convince me

why you think you should take him back like I'm just because I just like I look at like what our like relationship right let's just put a quote unquote like that relationship was like when we were together and all the things that he showed me such as

it was just like he's like I've listened to your show for years and years like talking about like things that he showed me. Such as? And it was just like, he's like, I've listened to your show for years and years, like talking about like things that are like things you can get in any kind of relationship and things that are just like not easy to find, like making me feel secure and like talking about like our future together and like wanting to like do things with me and like being okay with me, putting him on a social media. Like there was no like,

you know, quote unquote, like red flags obviously well we know that's not true because because even though you can't name it well no that's not no no i'm not even before you know listen the tough part is it's like there are liars out there there are people who are good at lying and they're convincing and a lot of those people can be very charming and unfortunately know how to say and do and have all the tools that sound like people who are genuine. But the point is that before you found out about the kids and the family, even though you can't name it, something told you to snoop around and Google his number. So that should be comforting to you because it wasn't out of nowhere. And I'm willing to bet that he wasn't perfect

in his delivery for sounding like Prince Charming or whatever it is. Something was off. And your gut picked up on that. And if we had all day, I bet I could say, tell me about all your conversations, like you said,

and I bet we could find out what that was that kind of maybe triggered your gut to say, hey, something might be off here. But the good news is, it did happen. Well, fast forward. He came back from deployment and called me immediately on the phone. And I mean, he came clean about everything. Like he's actually separated. He's legally separated. He gave me all of that proof. Like the only reason that he's not fully divorced is because

of the underways, which you can't really, you can't really say, Oh, that proof. Like, the only reason that he's not fully divorced is because of the underweighs, which you can't really say, oh, that's not possible that you can do this for his specific job. Like, you really genuinely cannot do the certain paperwork that's required. I'm not excusing his behaviors, but he came clean about everything. He told me, like, he explained, like, why he didn't tell me about his kids right away. Everything. And I don that, right, from 26 to 35, he felt he just didn't want to, like, give me all of this information, right, right before deployment, right before he's about to leave, because he was worried that he didn't want to lose me, right? We jumped in so fast, like, we weren't expecting to be serious about each other and let me ask you a question i know you

can't like give detail but like whatever he does for a living does it require him to be maybe good at lying i mean i feel like any any job in the military requires you to be good at like okay being able to be the sense like you know you know. Sure. Yeah. Unfortunately, though, that can carry into one's personal life. Right. That's tough. I mean, like, something told you something was off. You found that thing to be off. Right.

Then he, quote, unquote, came clean. But how do you really know? I mean, he literally had a whole journal. Like, so our whole thing, like, before this whole deployment, he's like, I'm going to write you a journal, like, about how I like about how i like to have like a piece of your heart all this stuff right and he had the journal like i like wasn't even sure that i was gonna like gonna even give him a chance because like i said i've listened to your podcast i've i've been through therapy like i i know about boundaries i know about red flags and all this and i there was not a doubt in my mind that i was just gonna end this and walk away and cut a clean slate. And then he comes at me with all of this stuff,

basically validating how I felt because we're getting ahead of ourselves. So when you say he said, so he gave you a journal about his feelings towards you, which I know, well, yes, feelings, but it outlined everything like the separation having four kids like why did he have that so readily available well when we talked on the phone like he obviously knew that I knew about everything because he turned his phone back on right and saw all the information that like I guess I'm just looking what do you mean by he had a journal with like that proved his I guess innocence or that he wasn't married that he was separated i have this very convenient like book of evidence oh well no no no so before he left

on deployment i had given him like a photo album with like whatever reasons like why like you know i was excited about like our future and yeah so you gave him like a kind of a gift of or you were trying to communicate yeah okay right and so he was like i'm gonna make you one for my next deployment so when he comes back right yeah we talk on the phone and i'm like talk like trying to listen like okay i'm not gonna give him any information to see if he is like actually gonna be not a piece of shit and come full clean with everything that i know and he did and then he was like i don't i understand, I don't, I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but like, I have this journal that we talked about and it has

everything written in like all the stuff that you know, and all the stuff that maybe seems like this way. And then that, so no, no, like, am I dumb for like, well, we like, I don't think you're dumb. I think you are vulnerable, you know, and love makes us stupid, but you're dumb. I think you are vulnerable. And love makes us stupid, but you're not stupid. Listen, it just sounds like a lot of red flags. And the journal or whatever he gave you to say, but I feel the same way about you kind of thing doesn't really mean anything if he's a liar. I guess where I'm at is like yes though there was

lies right lies to because of the truth that he was withholding like about his kids and like not wanting to go in depth about being separated within that like he did talk about like his prior marriage like obviously there was that lie of like, we're not finally like divorced finally. But like there was truth within that, I guess. So it's like hard. I don't know. Like I know there's a lot of trying to convince yourself of him not being dishonest. And I think that's, you know, where the, where the, when our gut kind of says, hey, you need to look at something. I think that happens when we kind of do all these mental gymnastics to try to convince ourselves that people are telling us the truth.

I think every once in a while, I think we get paranoid and we get in our head, but it shouldn't be hard to believe people. And it seems like this guy makes it kind of hard, all while maybe being pretty convincing. And who knows? I mean, maybe he had a moment of weakness. Maybe he's telling the truth. I don't know.

But you know he hasn't been fully honest with you. You know that, right? So even if he came clean, your problem is going to be is that you know he can lie. You know he's pretty good at lying. And how are you going to know if you can trust him? It's so early on that I just feel like this is going to be something that you're going to have a hard time trusting this guy.

And then also, even if his job requires, well, he knows his job and he can't do this and he can't do that. Well, fine. Not to sound cold, but he has a job that makes being a good partner more difficult because his job includes secrets. And you can only do this and you can't do that. And it's like, okay, we all want to be empathetic and understanding and be like, well, you know, it's not their fault and they have, they have other things they have going on. I want to be understanding of that. But like,

that's just a lot you're putting on yourself to deal with early on. Do you feel like it's just not, I mean, I don't know. I feel like it's worth like fighting for, I guess. What are you fighting for? Not fighting for like, not, I don't, I don't mean are you fighting for I not fighting for like not I don't I don't mean like worth fighting for but just like it's like worth trying to like work through like this like and actually being together fully like I like that's where I'm at and that's where he's at obviously I mean he's at he's at that the ball is really fully in my court um well I can't tell you what

to do I'm just like assessing risk here. It sounds like a really risky for you. If you want to accept that risk, then go for it. But I would pay very close attention to what he says and what he does. And I wouldn't, I think a lot of people in your position would be at this point where you're at right now. And you would recognize some risk here and you talk to your friends. But then you would say, you know what, fuck it.

I want to believe in them. I like them. There's a lot of good here. I want to do it. And then they would just push away all their doubts. And they'd say, if I'm going to do this, I'm just going to be with them and I'm going to forget about all this other stuff because I want to look the other way because I just want to be happy.

And I don't think that's smart. This guy's giving you a reason to be cautious. So I think it'd be smart for you, even if you want to pursue this guy, at least early on, to be cautious. you even if you want to pursue this guy at least early on to be cautious how long have you guys been dating? about four and a half months now so it's still pretty early

regardless of this story you should be cautious anyways it's only been four months a lot to learn about people people can change, feelings can change. Feelings can change. Like, protect your heart because even when you get excited, you can say, hey, you know, I'm going to enjoy my excitement,

but I know that, like, anything can happen four months in. I know it sometimes doesn't feel that way. It feels like I've known them forever, but, you know, just baby steps. So at a minimum, you should do that, which a lot of people don't do. But if you're asking me what I think, I think it sounds very risky for you. And I think there's a good chance, you know, you're going to find out more that you don't like or he's, you know. But I mean, I hope I'm wrong for you.

And it's possible I could be wrong, for sure. How do I navigate now? So I'm on board with all of that. Like I, I've talked to my therapist multiple times about all of that and just being aware and cautious about that. I guess where I'm at now is like navigating people's like opinion, because obviously, unfortunately for him and he's admitted it. So is that, you know, he was gone for that month when I had to sit in this knowledge. Right. And so who did I lean on my friends? Right. Yeah. That's, that's his problem, not yours. You know?

Well, and I agree with that, but where I'm at now is how do I navigate like my friends? They're just like, none of like, not all of them, but like most of them are just like not supportive. Like how is it even possible to like, even like, I guess, maintain like a friendship when I'm in a relationship that not everyone necessarily agrees with or sees like the things that I feel because obviously no one can get in my brain and see how I feel. Well, your feelings could be making you vulnerable.

So there's that. Your feelings don't necessarily mean your decisions are right. You know, so there's, that's something to consider. You have an adult conversation with them and you say, I love you and I'm so thankful to have you in my life. I am so thankful of the guidance you've given me. I trust your judgment. That's why I asked. I recognize I'm taking a risk. I recognize that I could get hurt. I recognize that you're not wrong about the things that you find very concerning. I'm going to choose to take this risk. I'm unsure. And I hope, like, listen, if I'm wrong, just hope there's not an I told you so. But you just kind of like, you just

name it, you know? Don't avoid it. Don't, don't tell them that they're wrong. You don't know him. Like I know him like, no, you said it perfectly. They don't know how you feel, but they might see some major red flags that are, they're seeing clear more clearly than you are because your feelings are, you know, are, are, are blinding your judgment. So you just kind of say that.

And then as far as like him, you say, hey, listen, just going to keep it real with you. My friends feel this way about you. And quite frankly, I don't even know if they want you around that much. But like you did some shit. And I'm like, you know. Yeah, they don't. Yeah.

So yeah, it's a sticky situation. I would just, is he really worth it? Like, is it, what's so? I do, yeah. I really, like, honestly, I really, I'm like you said, I could be wrong, but I've never, truly never felt like this secure in, other than, I say it, but then I'm like thinking about everything I just told you, but setting aside, like, the withholding of truth, like, there's nothing. in other than I say it and then I'm like thinking about everything I just told you, but

setting aside like the withholding of truth, like there were, there's nothing, there's no like signs of him ever being dishonest. Like, I guess maybe because I'm such a forgiving person in general, like I forgive people maybe a little bit too easily. I just feel like he got so caught up in like the feelings and what we were, and he didn't want to make it like automatically bad right from the jump and be like, Hey, right before I go on this month's deployment, let me just drop this whole entire bomb on you that I have four kids. And I don't know if you're going to stay or not, but bye. Cause I'm going to be out of communication for a month and hopefully you don't leave, you know? I guess I just look at his like

perspective of things. I suppose I understand, but you are basically like literally giving him the playbook of how to lie to you because you are, you're just like, there's always, you have excuses of why it's okay for him to lie to you. It's too hard or it's too much or he has to go somewhere and you just have to decide yourself if that's the type of relationship you want where there are reasons that it's okay to leave out important information

or lie because it's inconvenient to tell the truth. Right. If inconvenience is a justifiable reason to not be totally honest with you then I don't know if that's going to be a long-term recipe for your happiness.

Right. So the way you are talking is you are justifying his lack of full transparency. And yeah, on a case-by-, like, yeah, there's exceptions to every rule and we all make mistakes. I get all that. You are just very vulnerable right now because you want him to be right. You want this to work. Right. And you're just very vulnerable with what the truth is. And it's only been four months. So even without the lies, I would just, I would temper your excitement.

Yeah, that makes sense. A hundred percent. All right. Best of luck. I'm worried for you, but like, just try not to just, don't be afraid to still listen to your friends and tread very slowly with this guy if you decide to keep giving him a shot.

But stop making excuses for his behavior. Thank you. I really appreciate it. All right. Best of luck. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name's Mia and I'm 27. Hi, Mia. How can it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Mia and I'm 27. Hi, Mia. How can I help? So I'm having a really tough time with my relationship with my younger brother, which is different than usual because we've been really close our whole lives. And I recently got engaged and I asked him to be in my wedding and he is refusing to do so. And he's been very nasty about it.

Bold move. What, uh, was that, was that what started the problem or there's a problem going on? So he started dating this girl about a little over a year ago and that's when the problems kind of started happening. Um, how old is he? He's 23. How old is she? She's 19. Okay. And it's his first girlfriend. So what? How old are you again? I'm 27. Okay. So yeah, as soon as they started dating, he like stopped answering my phone calls, stopped answering my text messages. And he was living with my parents at the time and he like stopped coming around to my parents' house and just got very distant and weird. They moved in together after six weeks of knowing each other,

which is very unlike him. It's his first girlfriend, so it's just like very fast. But I kind of figured like I would give him his space for a little while. But after like four or five months, I asked him to get a beer to have a conversation about like what was going on um and he just said that his girlfriend didn't think that it was normal to have a super close relationship with your family so um he was gonna be yeah he was basically gonna be like pulling back from us completely except for like birthdays and holidays. Yeah. What did you say?

Well, I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. That sucks. Thank you. I told him like, you know, that's insane. Like that's very toxic and manipulative. Like he's cut out all of his friends. He stopped going to the gym. Like he's just completely like a different person.

And so like over the last year like I've tried to be the supportive older sister like I just give him love and support when I can but it's just he's been like very volatile and nasty like he said that she has severe social anxiety and being around me and our parents makes her like really nervous and anxious which I can understand in a new relationship but it's been well over a year and it's just like very that's also it sounds like a problem she needs to work on before she can be in a committed relationship and and not like bring others around her down that that's that'd be my I know I'm like I've been in therapy for a long time.

My brother's been to therapy and like, I told him, I'm like, have you suggested that to her to try to maybe like work through it? Because she comes off as like rude. Like every time I'm around her, she'll be like texting or like, she won't make eye contact with me. And like, when I've told him, like, you know, she comes off as rude. He's like, well, you're rude. Like I'm not going to make her make an effort with you. Like, it's your job to be like the supportive and like inclusive person, which I can understand as the older sister, like, and I've really tried to

do that, but, um, it's just not like, we're not making any progress. You're in a tough spot. Yeah. Because it sounds like his heels are dug in and it sounds like her claws are really in them. Yeah. So I don't know how, because my first would be like, what are your parents saying about this? My parents are also extremely disappointed. So I live in California and my family, they all live in Oregon. But my brother lives like 10 minutes from my parents. And so they're around him all the time.

They are. So they're still in contact with him. Yeah. He probably goes over there like once a week or so. That's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot.

And that's huge. But he never goes without her. They're always together, which is fine. At least they get to see him. Whatever. But they have asked him to come over by himself and they've had conversations with him about it just like you know this is really like they've told him like this is manipulative behavior on her end and he just like he doesn't see it that way in these

situations yeah saying this is really like it's it's i get it right but it's like it you always you have to say things the right way with people in these positions you saying that she's really manipulative his instinct is going to be protect his girlfriend like when i was younger too like you know like if you're in love you want to believe in your love right and we've been told and raised to like protect the people we love the most and right right now that's his girlfriend, you know, like shit, young love, like it's intense and you want to have it. He thinks he's doing the right thing. Right. It's part of the right, like all these relationships that are so toxic when we're younger, we think we're doing the right thing. We have the best intentions, but we're like little monsters who don't know how to like love appropriately because like, well, fuck,

you know, the playbook's been all wrong. And so you just have to be really careful about how we say things and not come out of place of, as I always like, you got to ask questions, not make statements. So like questions like, listen, like, I don't know how you envisioned love for yourself whenever you were fantasizing about what it was.

Did you think the love of your life would bring you closer or further away from your family? Ask that question. Yeah, that's okay. See what they say. Yeah. Because when you get people to start answering questions, they kind of see things how you see them.

Right. If you say your girlfriend's being manipulative, he's just going to defend the accusation that she's being manipulative. And he's going to empathize with her point of view. Well, she has social anxiety. She feels a certain way. It's not her, it's you. Yeah.

We, you know, I love that you say you're still being supportive. Let him, you constantly just let him know you love him and miss him. That's what you can do. Did you ever imagine that the person you love would stop you from standing up in your sister's wedding? And I know this is not all about me or my life, but I love you and I only want to get married once and it would mean a lot that you're a part of that. Did you imagine the person you love would want to stop you from doing that? Now he might say, it's not her choice. It's my choice.

But like, you could, you know, that's when you could say, listen, I'm not here to, maybe it is your choice, but like clearly your relationship with the family seems, it appears like it's different. I don't know how else to make this connection. And if it's not her, then why won't you stand up in my wedding? Just ask questions. Yeah, I did ask him why

and he just said that he didn't want to watch it from that angle he wants to watch it from the crowd it's my it's my wedding bro that's what i said and he was like but you don't get to make decisions for me yeah at least he's still at least he's still going i guess i yeah that's what he said he said that he would come. He just doesn't want to participate in it in any way. Like, because the day that I asked him, I was home and his girlfriend was there. And my best friend was there because I was also getting my wedding dress. And he, I was like telling him like, okay, this is what we're going to do for like the

bachelor bachelorette situation. Cause my fiance, his, he has a girl in his wedding party. So we're just going to do a joint thing. And I was like, you can come and your girlfriend can come. And he was like, okay, yeah, that sounds really cool. And I think that it has to do with that. He doesn't want to bring her around to something like that. No, that's what it has to do.

She is afraid of being alone. Yeah. What it has to do is she doesn't know. She is afraid of like being alone. Yeah. She's afraid of like sitting in the crowd by herself and not having anyone sitting next to her and afraid that he's going to be busy all day and she's going to be by herself because like, yeah.

Can you get your brother to call in and we'll do a mediation with him? I wish. That would be amazing. She's so good. Your brother's the extreme, but I relate to your brother. I've never, I mean, and I mean extreme because there's no woman ever at 19 that would have stopped me from extending my sister's wedding. Even I would have recognized that that's toxic. But nevertheless, I feel like many people listening to this, especially if they're older and remember their first love,

your brother is well-intentioned. It's just he is being manipulated by someone. And maybe there's other variables like family dynamics. There's a lot. It's all complicated. Is it just you two kids? Yeah. Why did you guys get therapy so early in life um that's great but like not as common so mine was in my early 20s um i just i've struggled with anxiety my whole life um

and i have adhd and it just like it just was definitely the right avenue for me. For him, he was diagnosed with depression in high school. He lost two of his best friends to suicide within like a month of each other. Okay. And so that put him in a really downward spiral. Is he still in therapy? What? Is he still in therapy? No, he was going, he was going really consistently until he started dating this girl. This girl's

bad news. She's bad news. Yeah, I think that element is important. The fact that your brother dealt with the depression and therapy, showering with love. Listen, unfortunately for you, you might just have to accept your brother not being in your wedding. I just, but I'm glad he's going. I think it's more, I do think it's more important that he goes. Yeah, I agree. I don't want to say something that's going to make him, you know, like set him off and make him not want to come at all. Yeah. I got a text. Well, so when I asked him to be in my wedding, he said yes, originally. And then he texted me the next day and he was like, changed my mind. Go enjoy it yourself. Yeah. He was like, go enjoy it yourself. He said like really nasty things. He was like, I think it's weird. Like how you're doing your

wedding. He was like, I think it's stupid. Like I was just like, okay. Yeah, exactly. And so I called him and I was like, what's on and I was like you're being really nasty and he was like well I just don't want to be a part of it and like I have better things to do than like cater to all of your wants and needs and like I've like he kept saying I have more important things to do he kept saying you don't get to get upset about this and I was like okay but you're being really rude about it like if we would have had like a civil conversation, I might feel a little differently, but he was being like, yeah.

Unfortunately, I just think it's, it's such a tough situation. I think given his history of depression, in fact, he's not seeing a therapist. You guys are kind of stuck. It's like almost requires an intervention at some point.

Yeah. It's tough because he's just going to like away with her yeah I know yeah does she have parents I mean she has parents but like how involved are her parents not really involved at all really um she doesn't have a relationship with her dad and her mom her The majority of her family lives in Texas and she's out in Oregon. If he ever gets out, the worst, I just hope he doesn't get her pregnant. That's my thing.

That's what we keep saying. She has her way, Hugh. I know. This is all the makings of it. You can see the writing on the wall. I think you and your parents need to start asking these questions that – Okay. And someone needs to be able to relate to them.

Yeah. That's why I don't think he's going to call in. But if he would – I know. I could say – I've done some crazy shit for love, man, when I was your age. And I get where you're coming from. But the love –

The people you love are not supposed to pull you away from other people you love. It's one thing to want to be for your partner, to help them with their struggle. If your girlfriend has anxiety, yeah, you got to help her. But you also have to push your partner to get out of their comfort zone. And how do you guys make each other a better versions of each other? You don't want to bring each other down. You don't take each other away from things you don't like you don't make your problem their problem no you try to make your strength their strength right and you do that over time and and you you know anyone who stops you from going to therapy is a red flag you know like yeah absolutely and it can get, you know, your brother is, he's in a scary situation.

Yeah, I know. She could literally ruin his life. I know. Certainly drastically change it. And he's so, I see it. Like he is latching onto her in this relationship like it's all he has. And unfortunately, I mean, fortunately for him, it's not all he has. But unfortunately, that's how he's seeing it yeah he's glorifying it and he's she has his hooks in him

again my my cycle now analysis on professional opinion is like i think sometimes people do this like um in like second marriages or third marriages, you know, like maybe they, like if people get like cheated on, they get divorced and they go through this really heartbreaking divorce and they're embarrassed about it and they feel shame and they, you know, prideful people too, especially who never thought they would endure such tragedy of their lives. And then they meet someone who, you know, they're attracted to and there's charming

and they're fun and they're, they're hot. They're, they're, they're, and they get into a relationship and then they get into a fast engagement, fast marriage. And that person turns out to be controlling and a monster and every, all their friends hate them, but like, they're just locked in because they're just like, I have to make this work. Yeah. And your brother hasn't been divorced or anything like that, but your brother has experienced

some tragedy. And he clearly, when he met her, he fell in love. And fuck, I felt that when I was younger. I have to make this work. He's afraid if it doesn't work, what it might say about him. So I think just reminding him, he needs to talk with people who probably aren't his parents, who aren't his sister,

who can offer some perspective. Who can be like, I was you. I felt that way. I can relate to you. I do know how you feel. And I used to be you. And boy, I'm so thankful I saw that I'm so thankful I got out of that situation and I don't know who that is I don't know if you have like

you know this I mean again this story is very relatable in the sense of yours is very specific but relatable in the young love obsession that is toxic and well-intentioned, but very toxic. Yeah. And there are people in their 20s and 30s and 40s and 50s who can relate to your brother's frame of mind for pushing other people away who love them, thinking they're doing the right thing, but for very, you know, and he's projecting this all. And he, you know, it's, I think the good news is sometimes these situations,

the reason why people treat their families so bad because they know they're always going to be there for them. So when he says these mean things to you about your wedding, he's trying to take it to personally. But the good news is, I think that's, to me, that is a subconscious letting you know that like, he's not afraid of losing you. That's good.

Yeah. So you'll always be there for him. So they, you know that like he's not afraid of losing you that's good yeah so you'll always be there for him so they you know you say mean shit to people you know you can unfortunately yeah and i don't know if this was helpful but like i think that if you ever get to ask him a question i'd ask him that did you ever imagine the person you love would pull you away from your family or stop you from you know yeah he'll get a little defensive because he's gonna say well it's not her it's me right but you just be like then what tell me what like yeah give me a better you see the change like this is yeah people have their siblings in their weddings and you're not gonna be there and i'm only gonna get married once and like yeah i and say listen i i get it i don't

Like, and say, listen, I get it. I don't, how can we make her experience more enjoyable? Yeah. You know, maybe you make it seem like you're so like, hey, I want her to have a good time. I don't want her to be alone. Yeah. But I don't want her, I don't want this to stop you.

You know? Yeah. Like, how can we make this work for everybody? I think your parents, do your parents, how much do your parents speak up? I mean, I couldn't imagine if I have a kid, like it would be, I don't know if I'd be able to bite my tongue. But at the same time, they're probably afraid he's going to not talk to them. Yeah, it's definitely a fine line that everyone's walking. My parents have, I mean, after he was rude to me about the wedding stuff, they like had a sit down conversation with him and like said, like, you owe your sister an apology at the very least. And he disagreed.

He didn't think he was being rude. But they told him he had to apologize. That was a couple of weeks ago. And he just texted me last night to apologize. There's hope here. Did you respond? I haven't responded. All right, let's craft a response. I know. It's lengthy. You have a response drafted? Well, no. His text to me is lengthy.

Oh, can you read it? Why he doesn't want to be in my wedding. He just said, I'm sorry for coming off being rude towards you. If you felt that I was, I wasn't trying to be rude. He said, secondly, I know I'm your little brother, but we're adults now. I don't like it when you hug me. I just find it weird. We're adults and it's different than when we were kids. Then he said, third, I appreciate you asking to be in your wedding, but I really don't feel into it. I'm sorry. And I know that that might disappoint you, but I really just want to watch the wedding next to mom and dad. That's how I've always pictured it. Hope you're doing good. Yeah. I mean, I don't think you're going to win this one before your wedding starts. I don't think, I don't want to force. Unfortunately. Yeah. The bigger the concern

is not your wedding. Sorry about your wedding. Uh, I'm more concerned about your brother ruining his life over this little monster. You think it's okay if I tell him like, like at this point, I'm just going to say that's fine. Like I'm not going to force him to be in my wedding. I don't want to like make it a big deal, but like let him know that this is like, this is hurting my feelings. And like,

yeah, you've already said that. I think some version of thank you for apologizing. Listen, all I can say is you being in my wedding is something I've always dreamed for my wedding. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all I would say. That's the most, I wouldn't get more aggressive than that. Okay. But I want to respect your boundaries. Yeah. You say something like that. Hugging or not, like all I, you know like that. Hugging or not,

like all I, you know, whether we're adults or not, I just want to be as close with you as I have always been. And something about your closeness, even though you're adults, something about your desire to still be close. And that is,

that is important and healthy. I don't know what's changed in this past year. You know, reference a change. Don't accuse her, don't accuse here. You're just confused. And I just hope that we can maintain our closeness in our adult life that we had. Now we don't have to play house. We don't have to hug. Like, you know, when I was a little kid, maybe my sisters would kiss. I don't really kiss my sisters on the cheek or on the lip, but like we hug, you know?

Yeah, that's normal. Of course things change, but like I still want the connection of closeness. I care about you. I only want you to be happy. You have, you know, in play, like you have so much to give the world. I want you to give,

I want you to be able to share it. I don't want you to hold yourself back from whether it's my wedding or anything else. I mean, it's just about the writing. But I'm fine. I guess it doesn't do you any good to remind him that you hurt his feelings. That's not what's going to convince him to do this. You're right. He already knows that. I used to say thank you for apologizing and remind him that your connection with him is still important and it's still a priority for you. And I think

that's okay for me to want to be close with my brother, even in my adult life. And I hope that nothing comes in the way with that. I'll always want to respect your boundaries, but I think it's unhealthy that anything would stop that from happening. Something like that. Yeah. Okay. That's very good advice. And if you change your mind about standing up on my wedding, let me know. Yeah. The spot is open. Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this but i i hope um just keep showing with love and support yeah and uh try not to accuse them of stuff even though it's easy it's it's tough i know and and like in pressure cooking situations it's really

hard to keep keep your poise yeah because it's just you want to get through to someone that's figuring out how to do that. Yeah. Definitely. It's been tough. All right. Can we just like

ship her off somewhere? Like you know just like put her in a van and like drop her off in Maine? Yeah. Something. Anything.

Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this. Thank you. I appreciate your help. If there's an update let us know what it is I will definitely give you an update alright take care thanks Nick

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