The Viall Files - E403 Ask Nick with Justin Long - He Put A Curse On My Family!

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode we welcome actor and fan favorite, Justin Long! Last time we had Justin on for an Ask Nick was Episode 200 so we’re more than excited to have him back on. With Justin to help us dish out advice, we enter the crazy world of situationships. Our first caller struggles when the relationship between her family and her sister’s boyfriend begins to deteriorate when this boyfriend’s true self starts to become revealed after disagreements start. This caller asks for help after this boyfriend uses voodoo wishing hardship on her entire family, unsure how to navigate resolving this situation when her sister is very much in love. Our next caller struggles when her online friendship formed over quarantine becomes cold. She wonders if a third friend could be the reason for this sudden shift, and how to navigate people valuing online friendships at different levels. Our last caller figures out how to define the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum when thinking of the big picture with her current partner. Now, she wonders how to bring up the idea of marriage to her partner that doesn’t seem to care like she does and process if she’s just wasting her time.  “Don’t get caught up in people that don’t want what you want.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Storyworth: Get started right away with no shipping required by going to http://www.StoryWorth.com/VIALL  Article: Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at http://www.Article.com/VIALL  Canva: Design like a pro with Canva Pro! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial Just go to Canva.me/VIALL to get your FREE 45-day extended trial.  Curology: Go to http://www.Curology.com/VIALL to start your 30-day trial! Cancel anytime. Prescription subject to consultation. Olive & June: Your new nail life is here! Visit OliveandJune.com/VIALL for 20% off your first Mani System!  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinlong Life Is Short Podcast https://open.spotify.com/show/4bqGBlGEpQFLdC7yVlIjKw See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You can save $10 off your first purchase when you go to storyworth.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is S-T-O-R-Y-W-O-R-T-h dot com slash v-i-a-l-l to save ten dollars on your first purchase what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of The Vile Files, Ask Nick edition. And it's a special edition because Justin Long is with us. And for all the people who listen to Ask Nick, I know you are gleaming with excitement for Justin.

He was our 200th episode guest in an interview. He quickly did a recap in an Ask Nick episode. And many people would say he shined. I know a lot of you like it when I just do the Ask Nick myself. We like to bring some of our favorite guests back. But I don't know if anyone complained about it. No, because I pulled up that episode because I was making our 400th episode little compilation. And every comment on YouTube was, what a great duo. Bring him back. Make him a permanent guest. Bestie of show.

It's the bestie of show. Anyway, he is with us. He did not disappoint. So we will get to Justin. We have a great week for you lined up. We have more Bachelor gossip hot topic. I don't know what the fuck. Reality TV as a whole, potentially.

Yeah. Tune in tomorrow for all your latest pop culture, bachelor gossip, who is fucking up with their social media. I don't know. We'll talk some shit. We'll talk some shit. I'll tell you that much.

That's tomorrow. And Cindy Eckhart is our guest on Wednesday. Do you know who Cindy Eckhart is? I don't know. Maybe you might, but she is a billionaire who invented the female version of Viagra. Incredible.

And then she has an incredible story around it. So like, what is, is there, is there a, there's a female Viagra? Are you someone or a woman who might be interested in getting a better sex drive? What does that mean? And where can you find it? And why can't you find it? So many burning questions. We'll talk with her.

I am so excited about that episode. I think it's going to be, from what I understand, a very fascinating, successful person, self-made billionaire, trying to advocate for you women and your horniness. Thank you. A champion of horny women.

Women supporting women. I think there's just a lot there to peel back and I can't wait to talk to her about that. So be sure to check out next week. This Wednesday is Going Deeper with her. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at castme.com, cats with a K for your questions for Ask Nick and our mediation calls and our Going Deeper episodes. If you have a loved one or a friend that you're having any type of tiff from, a disagreement, you're having a hard time getting over, we'd love the opportunity to mediate that fight. Every single person who's called in for a mediation has been happy. They've done it,

including the men. This is not the vile trial. This is a mediation for everyone to get back on the same page. We don't pick sides. We just try to find a common ground. So send in those submissions. We need them for the show. Also, again, you're going to hear me talk about it. My book, Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday birthday is available pre-order out in October. Uh, I promise you if you like this, uh, ethnic edition of the vow files, you will love this book. I really mean it. It won't be a waste of your money. I truly believe that it is a, it's a nice little manual for helping you feel more empowered and successful in your dating life. Uh, you can pre-order it now. Uh, the link to do that is the show description, or you can, I'm sure find it on my social to link and buy on my Instagram. successful in your dating life. You can pre-order it now. The link to do that is in the show

description, or you can, I'm sure, find it on my social. It's a link you can buy on my Instagram. It means the world to me that you guys have supported this show truly. And again, I truly believe that if you found any nuggets from this show, you will find many more in this book. And it's a fun read. It's perfect for any friend that you have who's going through it. I do know that there's only, in terms of the pre-orders available, there's only half. Well, I don't know how that works,

but in terms of what they're making out of the gate, about half of our ethnic audience. So get it while it's hot because who knows, maybe we'll sell out. Thank you in advance. Let's get to Justin and our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

Justin, are you ready to do these calls? Let's do it. I'm excited. We're very excited. My audience is very excited. Well, it's my first time out of the house. The first time we did this together, we were two single bachelors. Yes. And now we're very

much in love. So now we're really ready. That's true. I finally feel like I have a little bit of authority. Yeah, it was always... I do feel like... He kept saying that too. He'd be like, take it with a grain of salt. We're talking to two single... How old are you? 41. 41, yeah. Single middle-aged guys. Just being like, take it with a grain of salt. We're talking to two single, how old are you? 41.

41, yeah. Single middle-aged guys. Just being like, you're dating wrong. I always like to say, success and love in relationships is not about having someone. It's about having the right one. And so while we were single then, we had been through it.

Totally. And I had gotten to a place I had anyway where I was comfortable with myself I was ready to be I didn't know it at the time but I was ready for the one and the one I met I found and you seem very happy I don't have to like get into it no but I am it's I it's where it's I want to and but i also want to be protected you know i want to scream it from the rooftops but i also want to be um protected sacred i totally relate to that it's like i don't know it's like let's just yeah in this day and age

yes don't have to share everything with everyone but we are happy you are happy. You are happy. I'm so happy. Well, let's get to our callers. Okay. How's it going? It's going well. What's your name? I am Andy. I am 30 years old. All right, Andy. How can we help?

One of my sisters, she is 29. And she just started her, well, she was 28 at the time. But she got into her first relationship of her life in January of 2020. And she got into this relationship and she called me and my other sister because we're really close. We talk every day. And she was telling us about this guy. And then she told us that he is technically married with two kids. And we're like, okay. And we're like, is he planning on getting divorced? And she's like, well, he's separated. And we're like, okay, we'll just tread lightly. And she didn't tread lightly. She lived, um, she, he lives across, um, the country and they talked and they ended up getting together and they, I think they met for the first time in like in person in march and then they got together again in april may and then

they did a family trip with with her her boyfriend there too his two kids his ex-wife her boyfriend and his kids in june i mean that's the good news is she did confirm that he is in fact separated because there's often the uh the separated and then you find out they're not separated at all. You couldn't do a trip like that if he was still lying about it. If there was some shady dealings. I mean, you could, I guess. You could. You'd have to be really illusory. You should be bold.

I know. So they went on this big family trip. But I told her, I was like, because I was watching one of your Ask Nick episodes on Instagram, or reading like, because I was watching one of your Ask Nick episodes on Instagram or reading it. And it said that if you're separated, don't have your relationship progress faster than the divorce is progressing.

So I was like, just don't progress your relationship faster than his divorce is progressing. So we would ask her like, hey, how's that going? She's like, he's still not divorced. And we're like, well, when's that going to happen? And he just never was on the in the plans i guess or not at that moment but she ended up moving across the country so she had like no clarity because like i mean i don't know a ton about divorce and i know things can take time but usually there's like uh if you asked for an update, if divorce proceedings were moving along, they could give someone an update.

So it's like, well, here are the next steps, you know, the lawyers, whatever. It's like three months out, but things are moving forward. You're giving me the impression that they're just separated with no actual effort in terms of getting divorced. They've just decided, we're just going to get separated. Maybe it's because of money or finances, whatever the reasons, but they've decided to just go about it this way. Well, he just kept telling us that she's taking care of it. But that wasn't the whole case.

Apparently, so my mom, we were, I mean, sorry, there's like so many different moving parts to this story. We were going on a trip to Mexico for my mom's 60th birthday. And my mom let her know that he is not invited unless he's divorced. And he said, I'm going whether you like it or not. choose to be with you and we're like well you're not invited like that's kind of wild we grew up in a really religious household so it's like if you're not divorced you're technically married in the eyes of god or whatever yeah yeah and that's like one of my other sisters thought the same thing but we're just kind of like well if you separated they both know about it that's up to them but it's my mom's trip yeah she's paying for us it's her birthday trip it be respectful if you're not invited mom's paying for it she's on the bill it's her 60th be respectful if you're not invited don't come mom's paying for it she's on the bill it's her 60th where are you going

yeah we went to Puerto Vallarta oh okay lovely beaches and he was just like I'm going she can choose me or you and

but then turns out he was the worst wait wait she said your sister said I'm going she can choose me no no

the boyfriend the boyfriend said I'm going whether you like it or not she can choose to spend time with me or she can spend time with your family. That's all you need to know. He's like, I'm showing up to your mom's trip.

That's wild. Yeah, and she can choose who she hangs out with. Is he a professional wrestler? What a wild thing to do. I hate this guy. We thought that was very disrespectful. But then on top of that, apparently he was divorced. And he was just trying to see if we would change how we reacted around him. So he was trying

to manipulate us and try to figure out if we didn't like him because he was married or if we didn't like him for other reasons. How did you find that out? Who did you hear that from? My mom kept pestering her, like, is he divorced? Is he divorced? Is he divorced? And she's like, well, finally, she's like, it's not my business to say, but he is divorced. He didn't want anyone to know. He wanted to see if you guys treated him differently. Do you believe her? I was like, show me the divorce record. I don't believe it. I feel like mom and the family set this boundary in their opinion about being divorced. So either he said to your sister or your...

A guy who said, I'm going to show up, sounds like the type of guy who's like, you know what? Fuck it. I am divorced. You know what? Also, a guy who's that petty,

who goes to the mat over something like that, if he does get divorced, because it's a major thing. It's a major thing to go through. And he's going to talk about it and use it to his benefit. He's going to advertise it. He's going to talk about it and use it to his benefit. He's going to advertise it. He's not going to keep that

information hidden from someone that he's with. And even if it were true, it's a crazy ultimatum. It's a crazy manipulative thing to do. Well, I actually think weirdly enough, saying that he made up the fact that he's divorced now and is lying is the

better version. You think? Because if it's true that he made up the fact that he's divorced now and is lying is the better version you think well because if it's true that he made it up to test you then that that opens up a whole you're saying that's the worst option yes yes yes i agree yeah i think he's lying and not testing i because testing you lesser of two it's a That's actually... Him lying is the better version. It's true. Of him like weirdly deciding that like he's so Machiavellian or maybe not Machiavellian, but there's petty... You're giving him too much credit.

Yeah. Or just like... Machiavelli got thick shit done. Yeah. He's petty and insecure and... Yeah. And doesn't know how to just be upfront and honest. Because if he is also testing you, then he's still lying.

He lied already. And now it's just like, how do you deal with that? Article has launched a new line of outdoor products for summer 2022. Think oversized statement loungers, streamlined dining pieces, and easy to style sofas for all your backyard needs. With 42 pieces plus a selection of best sellers from past seasons, Article has what you need to outfit the deck of your dreams this summer. Listen, Article makes amazing furniture. So whether it's their new outdoor line, you have indoor needs, bedroom sets, dining rooms. Article has an array of wonderful curated and boutique furniture that has a bit of a Scandinavian, Bohemian, industrial kind of design to it.

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Canva dot me slash VIALL. Andy, where are you at with it now? And I'm also curious, does this guy have any qualities that you enjoy, that you like? When we first started talking to him and getting to know him, he's very personable.

He likes to ask you questions and get to know you, and he was very charming, yes. But then, okay, so I have four sisters. And one of them is kind of more black and white and religious about things. So she was very open about how she does not want to get to know him or like be around in this relationship until he's divorced. Like she was very open about it and kind of like, I don't respect this relationship. I don't,

but she would still come around. Like if he came, like he came and visited us and she would come and be with the family. But then one night it was in June. Apparently the sister who's in this relationship with this boyfriend, she, um, she felt like she was being ignored and ostracized from this one sister. None, none of us. I did not feel that way. I did not pick up on that, but she felt very ostracized. So he sent an email to my

mom recently, and this is in the email. And so he said it wasn't until June 21st during a family dinner when my partner received the same treatment I had received from my sister and her husband. Why no one else stood up for her while she was being ignored and judged is beyond me. She called me in tears at night telling me how hurt she was. So now I'm stuck thousands of miles away from my girlfriend getting bullied by her own sister and brother-in-law. It was the last straw and I took it into my own hands. So what he took into his own hands is he wrote what he called a puddle, apparently, which he will explain in this email, but a puddle. A puddle?

And it is... Like a poem? Like a limerick? My sister was doing one second a day video. So it's like you take a picture one second of every day for the 365 days and so she posted this on new year's my sister that was not getting along with her at the time saw her name involved in it and it is um it had her name so it had her full name and things that he wishes for her and then it had her husband's

name and things he wishes for him and on these um lists that he did um some of them were like medical bills distance from the family chronic fatigue poverty um wait those are things he wished he wished illness on their infant daughter oh the fuck he um he said obesity for the husband obesity medical issues loss of faith loss of jobs um distance from the family like he's distanced from his wife oh my god and he like he put sick daughter all her life and she she was two months at this time this baby and that was just kind of like we were like what kind of person could do right and he had voodoo stick figure dolls on these notes in this freezer that he put them in and we're like

what kind of person would do this like we were shocked and appalled like how could you be with someone who could do this and we found out about this six months later she hadn't moved across the country for him yet when this happened she they had met, they had been together a total of three times. So I'm like, if your boyfriend of a couple of months could do this and say these things about your sister, your brother-in-law and your infant niece, what else can he do? What else is he capable of? That is scary. And now we're all scared of crossing him. What if we say something bad about him? Am I going to have this list? Am I going to have these things

that he wishes upon me? Well, you're probably scared for your sister too, who's like enmeshed with this guy. Is she able to see any clarity? I mean, when you clearly define the issues that you have, which are obvious to us, just hearing a brief snippet of his puddle. It's a weird thing.

Just having heard some of his puddle, splashing around in his puddle for a little bit. I feel like it's clear to us, but have you attempted to make it clear to your sister? And is she just not, is it like a classic abusive relationship that she's just not able to see? We have no idea. Like we've had multiple conversations with her about it. Like, how can you not see this like this is his character and she's like i don't think this is character it's not who

he is but how does she justify that i mean you have it in writing yeah like when you say he's wished ill upon an infant like it doesn't get worse than that that's that is my that's like no genocide that's and that's what we said we're like okay there's one thing you can say something about my sister you can say something about my brother-in-law. But when you say something about an innocent child, that's just like, we're like, it's done. How can you wish that upon someone? How did she? I'm curious how she justified that. I mean, that's pretty.

She just says it wasn't. It's not who he said. It's not who he is. Like, it's not. And she feels like they were justified in it because they didn't. They weren't respectful and open to their to her relationship disrespect it's depraved it's like it says so much about this person you should google borderline personality disorder because um i've had some experience with that and it sounds like

this guy might be uh adjacent to that or or fully um uh correspond with that because it's so out of left field well i think he's a little bit more narcissistic and manipulative too. Like he has not acknowledged it. He has not apologized for it. In fact, like, cause we found out about this on New Year's day. He, in this letter, he put, which brings me up with what my friends and colleagues called the puddle. I have vision boards, a full of drastic, exaggerated positive goals for my partner, my kids, my crew, and myself. The key is exaggeration and creativity

so that you create the reality that your mind envisions. It works. On the flip side, I also have the puddle, which is a vision board of my enemies. Three people have reached that level, two of which have sued me, and both of them now owe me more money than what they sued for. Your sister and brother-in-law are now there. Are there now. And honestly, I barely think about them. It's evil. Yeah, it's like villainous.

I put their little papers into the, I put their little papers into the Bondmother freezer and forgot they were there until recently. I stand by my vision board. Well, and your sister, has she read this letter? She was CC'd in this letter. And how does... I just don't understand where she's at.

Because who cares about this guy, ultimately? You're not going to be in his life once they break up. But I'm worried about your sister, and I'm sure you are too, because it sounds like y'all are close. Well, she moved across the country. So she lived across the country. She quit her job. She works for his ex-wife.

She is essentially a bona fide nanny for his kids. She has no part of her individuality in this new life. She's moved away from her family. She's isolated herself and inserted herself into his life and his realm. But where we're at right now is I want to have a relationship with her. I just don't know how to have a relationship with her when she's involved with him. That makes sense. Yeah, I get that. Because I feel like, I think the religious background is important context. It's a tricky thing, you know, that shame and judgment you can feel,

especially if you get older, you just find yourself growing away from the church that you grew up in. And there are a lot of judgy, not great people who can make you feel very bad about your choice. And like, you're going to burn in hell. And this is like, who that can be a very toxic environment and it can affect your mental health feeling like you're like constantly judged and shamed by your community.

So it wouldn't shock me at all that this guy is leveraging that. He grew up Mormon too. Yeah, so he knows, you know what I'm saying? So there's a bond there. He knows the mindset that is required to participate in something like that.

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for 20% off your first Manny system. Woo hoo. I think you can have a relationship with her, even though she's with him. I think the best thing you can do is, and you've probably heard me say some version of this when it comes to friends, is be careful what you share with her because any information you share with her,

you should assume is going to get to him. Which I always assume anyway. you know, any information you share with her, you should assume is going to get to him, right? Which I always assume anyway, yeah. But you can still ask, like, just make her feel loved and welcomed and ask her questions about her life. And just so that, like, the hope is, is that if things don't go well with this guy, that she will feel safe enough to leave. Right.

And what you don't want is to her, to isolate herself so much, and then the family's just like, whatever. And then she gets to a period of this relationship where it's not going great, where then she feels stuck, and she leans into that relationship. And then it's just like calcified. Then it's like, she sounds like an untethered,

she's somewhat untethered, and untethered people, when they do tether themselves to something, can do it against the advice of friends and family, somewhat untethered and it's untethered people when they do tether themselves to something can do it, you know, against the advice of friends and family and like better judgment. And so I think Nick's right. I think whenever you lead with, I know it sounds tokey and cheesy, but if you lead with love and if you just come from a place of like, if you set your intentions to be very clear, my intention is to love you.

And this is how I'm loving you, which might mean setting real clear boundaries too, which can be an act of love. And that's, we've all told her that like we've all, except for the one that she, like the one that she did this to, like,

she's just kind of like, I'm done. I don't want anything to deal with this anymore. And I, she's entitled to those feelings. That makes sense. I feel the same way, but we've all come to her and said,

like, we love you. We will always love you. The door will always be open. But this has changed the dynamic of our relationship. I don't feel like I can be open with you. I don't feel like I can tell her things because I'm afraid that if I wrong him, he's going to wish sad things upon me. I get that.

But maybe try to pull back from that. I mean, you said that and you set the boundary. But I wouldn't call her up and be like, change my mind. But you know what I'm saying? But maybe over time, slowly just keep reaching out more, right? And just try to build back up that relationship. Still knowing that you can't fully trust everything you say. So just keep your personal life out of it.

But just make it about, like, ask it about her life and what's going on. Maybe talk about your favorite reality TV show, whatever it is. Just like have some type of connection that you are, you know, enjoying together. So you just build this relationship. So she feels like you're a phone call away if she needs you. She does reach out to us. Say that again? And I always respond. I always respond to her when she reaches out. I have not reached out to her. I think you should do more of that, and your mom should do more of that.

And just don't ask about him. My mom talks to her every day. Yeah, don't ask about him. I don't, you know, I don't, like, because you know how you feel, but we all hate him, right? So if you ask about him, he's going to become a topic of the conversation. And he wants that, by the way. People like that feed off of that kind of energy and being talked about

and drama. If you cut them, it's like not giving him oxygen if you just don't engage. All that stuff about the vision board. Also, what a weird vision board about positive things. Isn't that weird? And that you stand stand by it, which is like, what? As an adult man with kids, it's like, I don't know. That's all wild. But like,

I think you, Nick's right. Like, you know how you feel about him. You can be very clear about that. And don't, when he provokes, when he sends these things, don't give it any credence. Don't just, don't respond. Okay. Right. And always come from a place of love with your sister i would be just be really clear this is how i feel about him this is why it scares me you know but i love you and you know in whatever way you think um is appropriate but just be really like set your boundaries in a loving way what you just have to be careful for of is like when we when we warn people about other people and a lot of times people will do it with their crush, like you're dating your best friend,

and all of a sudden you haven't shot your shot with them, and they start dating some fuckboy or whatever, and we have a habit of warning them. All it does is trigger their ego, and what they do is want to prove you wrong. So you want to make sure that she's not actively trying to prove you and the family wrong. Because you've already said your piece so like talking about more red flags

or whatever it's just not going to it's actually going to have the adverse effect she was it's going to she's going to lean in and try to make excuses and then convince herself and you guys that she's making the right decision with the help of him just bullshitting her all the time yeah so like i i think you just got to be really careful about, like, making sure your conversations with her are no longer about that relationship as hard as it might be. Like, keep tabs on things. But, like, she's there. There's nothing you can do.

You've voiced your frustration. And just make it a safe environment for her to at any point, like, come visit. Maybe take a girl's trip. I would convince your older sister to do the same. The one that seems to have influence on her. The very religious one. If there's a way to get her to act like

you know, Jesus would maybe, you know. I know, that's what we always say, it's like Jesus accepted everyone. Yeah, exactly, even people with puddles and puddle boards. Because this is a goal to get, like, make no mistake, we're just... People who don't like infants.

Yeah, we're trying to remove this guy from the family's life, but we'd have to figure out a way to do it. Yeah. Yeah. I say choke it. I say suffocate the toxicity with love. Yeah. It sounds cheesy, but like truly, what would Jesus do?

Yeah. The more you lead with love and just ignore it. And when he says things like that, when he does things, when she mentions him and there's contention, whatever, just process it in your own way and don't say it. Just try to leave him out of it and just focus on relationship with her.

I really think it'll reveal itself. Yeah. I'm sorry for you guys. Yeah, sorry to go in through this. Wild story. I have two brothers. It's just different. It's like when we've been,

I mean, because we're only 16 months apart, me and her. We've been close our entire lives and it's just kind of strange not having these group chats. It'll just different. It's like when we've been, like we've been, I mean, cause we're only 16 months apart, me and her, but we've been close our entire lives. And it's just kind of strange not having like, you'll get it back. It'll be stronger if you just like hang in there. That's what I think. I was like,

once we get through it, it could strengthen it. I just hope it goes through. Yeah. If your other sister, I think Justin's right. If she could extend an olive branch and I, and I get that,

that would be tough. Cause that would, I don't know. I was like, that would be tough. But if she could, that would be really beneficial. But be the toughest. I know. I was like, I don't know. It would be tough. But if she could, that would be really beneficial. But for the sake of your sister, I mean, like, you know, don't give him any more power by responding, by giving any credence.

Let him just kind of like scream in the dark and spin around. He'll get tired eventually. And he'll reveal himself to her, unfortunately. All right. Hang in there. Thanks for calling. Best to your niece. How's it going?

Hey there. I'm Anne, and I'm 34 years old. Hi, Anne. How can I help? So generally why I'm calling is because a friend of mine has been unusually less responsive than before, and I don't really know what to do. So background over quarantine, kind of like everybody else, I was pretty lonely and disconnected. So I started getting into online gaming and Twitch. I started chatting with a small streamer, we can call her Tiffany. Eventually, we started playing together alongside a longtime friend of

hers, Tammy. I would talk to both of them on Twitch, but Tiffany and I texted all the time, talked on the phone. I sort of sensed that Tammy was jealous of my relationship with Tiffany. I never confirmed. Tiffany always said no. It's just like in my head. I only mention it because it's the only thing I can think of that makes sense for like our rift. So early on, Tiffany mentioned to me that occasionally she goes into depressions where she doesn't want to talk to anyone until she's feeling better. So it was very unlike the Tiffany that I knew, but okay. So eventually after a while,

we continued talking all the time every day. And then a very sad event happened in her life and she was really upset. So we talked about it, but eventually she said she needed some time to herself, which of course I understood. So other than like generally worrying about her not feeling well, I didn't think that much of her absence. One day I saw that she had started streaming again. So somewhat notably, Tammy was streaming with her and she hadn't said anything to me about it. So I immediately get on, I write in her chat. And as soon as I did, I realized that she had removed me as a moderator in her channel, which isn't important at all, other than to note that there's no limit to it. So it felt very intentional. So I was obviously hurt,

but I didn't say anything about it. I just tried to continue the friendship like usual. I would get responses, but kind of short answers. We would still hang out a little bit, play online games and game together sometimes. But it just kind of felt weird. But at the same time, real life was getting back to normal. So I figured just everyone was getting busier. I didn't really think about it. Eventually, though, we hadn't talked for a while and I was moving across the country and had recently gotten a haircut. So I sent her a message just to let her know. And she responded, acted super excited, said she loved my haircut. But when I followed up being like, oh, and then hopefully if COVID restrictions ease up, I can come visit you since now I'll be closer.

No response. So after that, I would try to send messages every couple of weeks for like a month, little to no responses. It had been a while without a response. And I decided to text her around the holidays, just got back the standard, oh, happy holidays, hope you're well kind of thing. Since then, it's pretty much been me responding to her after like a day and her responding back after like a week or two weeks. So two weeks ago, she responded to one of my messages after like a week and was like, oh, I'm trying to get better about responding to people more quickly. I've gotten this new boyfriend around the time that I had moved

and they were spending every waking moment together. And so the next day, again, send her a message back. And a week later she responds. But again, it's a really long message asking specific questions about me and my life. In my message, I had suggested watching a show together. So she was throwing out suggestions for what we could watch.

So again, next day I follow up and again, radio silence. And that was when I wrote in to you. And then since then I got a response four days ago, again, saying she was sorry. She had started a new job and her sleep schedule was off. Again, suggesting other shows that we should watch together. So I have two questions for you. One, general thoughts. I'm sure you're going to talk about my ego. And two, what should I do from here? I've had plenty of friendships that change, fizzle out. It's fine if that's what it is.

I'm mainly just confused and I don't mind being pathetic and just continuing to try and waiting to see if it gets our friendship back, but I don't want to like bother her. You know what I mean? Like if it's fine, if it's fizzling out or going to be a different style, but... Have you met her in person yet? out are going to be a different style but have you met her in person yet no so she lives uh very far away so she hasn't even met tammy who they've known each other for like 15 years she lives in a different country it was like a virtual kind of friendship are you suggesting that it no i mean well that's the always next question is it's it real person. We're not worried about it. Because the Twitch community, it's a little different than online dating being ghosted. Twitch is playing games?

Yeah, you're playing games and you kind of... It's like live stream. Live streaming video games and people watch and you play together and compare notes. It's very interactive. So there'd be no real reason for her to have, or this person to have created some avatar of a person. Yeah. No, I mean, we video chat all the time.

Oh, yeah, okay, okay. I would be very surprised. Okay, sorry. Yeah, some of the obvious catfish and red flags, it doesn't seem like they're there. Sure. I mean, have you, at first, an obvious one is like, it seems like you've kind of addressed it a little bit

in terms of like the the distance but well sorry sorry to interrupt when you said it bothered me but i didn't say anything just the first time that she i wonder if that was the point of that would have been a good point of entry in terms of just being honest i know it's like you don't want to be, I've been, by the way, I've been in your shoes. I know that feeling. How does this person really feel? You start getting paranoid. Did I do something wrong? I really think. I do that all the time. All of that can be completely erased if you were just totally honest. I mean, if you were, if you get to the point where you're calling in a show and wanting advice, I would say you had an instinct to address something early on. You know,

I was hurt by this. And if that's too much for somebody, if they feel like that's, you know, that's, uh, they can't really bear that burden of a friend. That's, I feel like something that's, you have to kind of do in a relationship any relationship is just be honest have you but and so to clarify you haven't really actually addressed and said hey we used to be much closer and talk more frequently and it's and i and i would like to have that back have you ever like had that type of honest conversation with her yeah so to address both points uh one i have no problem with confrontation in my life like that is not

something i struggle with um so i would have no problem bringing it up to her like once we were talking a little bit more frequently but it just seems weird to be like, hey, I haven't talked to you in a month. No, I know. Specifically, you removed me as, yeah. Yeah. It's hard to find a way out. Exactly. I intend to bring it up at some point. And then, yes. So I would have to go back and check my message.

But at some point, I said something along the lines of, hey, like, it was like I had sent a couple messages back to back. And I was like, hey, you know, I don't know what to back and I was like hey you know I don't know what happened but if you know it's bothering you I don't want to bother you I won't just like keep spamming you with messages you know just wanted to see what's up and then eventually when she responded it's of course like oh no no no yeah that's the strange part you mentioned that you don't you don't mind confrontation um are you often sometimes a friend that people will go to that you have no problem giving your opinion on yeah i'm like that right and so i will sometimes you know it works for this show people call in but i will get

self-conscious in my head sometimes of like did i overstep my boundaries did i did i give an opinion that they didn't want to hear and especially in those instances where i noticed people like not necessarily dissing himself bar i hear from them less that's when i get in my head about some of my insecurities or fears of like did i step in it was i too pushy did i say something that you know rubbed them the wrong way you know and i have no doubt that you were thinking I was supportive. I was this, but like, does, do you ever get in your head about that? Cause I'm just wondering, hearing you talk more about like your friendship dynamics and your

personality, you remind me a little bit of, you know, some qualities I have and that's where I can, I can get in the weeds about this stuff and make it a bigger deal in my head and stories you tell yourself yeah and I'm just wondering if if a lot has to your your feeling about this whole situation has more to do with that than anything not that you know you don't you can simultaneously recognize that you not being removed as a as a moderate is not something that's a big deal and it can still trigger an insecurity of yours about how people perceive you overall. I think it's really natural.

Yeah. Definitely, it's the most confusing thing to me because there's no reason to. If it had been like, oh, but there's a limit, maybe she wanted to add somebody else, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Not that you know of. Just the fact.

But there may have been something that... I think that's why it's important to address that and and um you know use whatever confrontational spirit you have but do it in a loving way you know i i would just be really clear and and say look this might be in my head and and put it on yourself i i this could be my own insecurities i just want to be honest you're my friend i like you i want to be i want to be clear and honest with you. And this kind of hurt me. And if I'm off, then I'll be relieved. And if there's something we can talk about and get past, I'd like to do that too because I miss your company. One thing I kind of slightly disagree, I'm curious what you say, is the way I would say it is I

wouldn't say I was hurt off the bat. I would just open it up and say, can I ask you a question as to why? I'm just curious if it was something, if I could have done something different. Because when you know you're gonna hurt someone's feelings, I just suspect, I worry if this friend, if you're trying to really get an answer. Because that's what it seems like it bothers you. It's just like, you just wanna know.

Yeah, so you can move on. What's the reason? Right. I need some clarity. Right. You seem like a reflective person, and that's one thing I can see you ruminating over this. So you're saying lead with a different way, with a lighter lead. Just a little lighter of like, hey, this really hurt my feelings and I need to know why you did this.

I can see a person trying to downplay it then and play it off. I know, I know. There's got to be a way to finesse it. So I'm just running it, bring it up and just way to finesse it. You don't want to be, I know that's why. So I'm just running, yeah, bring it up and just try to finesse it in a way where it's not. Give them the out. Make it easy for them.

If in fact it is. Hey, I was just wondering. I know. It's like. Yeah. It's a me thing. Is there anything I could have done differently?

You know. But then you get it off your chest. I would say get it off, get it, like, be honest with her in whatever way you seem that feels appropriate. And then put it away, you know? And then, like, if she doesn't respond, you know,

you have to then be strong enough to put it down. I suspect she'll respond, but be prepared for getting an answer that doesn't satisfy you. It's kind of vague. You know? So how would you communicate her caring? How would you communicate this to to tiff a friend yeah well just like we said like i would just say can i just ask you i would if it were me i would just say i'm kind of a neurotic i would put it on i'm

tiffany i'll be tiffany reading this i'm a neurotic person this is something that's just kind of like i i'm oh boy did you go on like did you not moderate me because like i know i'm probably in my head about it but like weirdly i i it's a me thing but like did i do something to upset you look i feel like you should talk to tammy about this because i don't want to get involved between you and tammy well it's not a thing i just no everything's fine i've just so something happened i've been busy touching my new boyfriend and I can't get my hands off him. And it's not all about you, okay?

No, that was a bet. If she says that, yeah, maybe it's... It could be just like, it's a thing. I'm assuming people have different expectations when it comes to like virtual relationships and friendships and things like that. This new boyfriend. Also the depression that she deals with. I mean, that is, she did make that pretty clear. How long

does she go away for when she is depressed like that? And have you ever talked to her about the source of her depression? Yeah. So when she mentioned it to me before, it sounds like long periods of time, which is why I wasn't super surprised or hurt by her like going away for a while. It's just a coming back process that was weird yeah and of course very concerned she and I both deal with mental health issues one of the things that we bonded over this was over something very specific like a tragic event that happened with a friend of hers so it was a very specific thing that I'm sure triggers other feelings and you know all of that kind of stuff and part of like our friendship like I've had plenty of friends have plenty of friends right

now it's all you know good she and I like really bonded like we felt like we were the same person like we would say things like I can't believe like you existed over here in this like other country for so long and we think the exact same way we just handle life the opposite so i tend to be confrontational and to the point tell people what i think don't really care how people think of me and she's the opposite where she has all those same thoughts yeah exactly and wants people to like her and it's super nice so she would like have me she would have a problem with somebody say and i would be the one that would be like, hey, why did you do that thing? So to Nick's point, you would have to really like soften the entry if you were to ask for, you know, for these answers to your question. I would. I mean, I would. I think it's worth it. It does sound like you really care.

And it sounds like it's a friendship worth, you know, investigating. And if then she says something wishy-washy or vague, and then you give it one more outreach. I would say, I would give yourself, because the truth is people will give you the answer. It sounds like she may be already giving you the answer, but you just want some more clarity. But if you then get some vague response two weeks later,

make one more overture maybe, invite her to a show you're doing or something, and then I would remove yourself because it's not really healthy, I think. I agree with that. But also, you could just, when people get boyfriends or girlfriends, I know, I know.

A lot of people fall off the cliff. If any of my friends are listening, they're like, yeah, I haven't heard from you in a couple months. That is true. You get excited. There's a little bit of that. And because the way you describe your friendship, whether it's heterosexual friendship or a guy and a girl,

when you're single, you might not be romantic, but you lean on some of those friendships for that intimacy you would otherwise get in a relationship all the time. And even if it's not a sexual one, there's an intimacy that you have. And she probably, you had an intimacy with this friend, and this new guy in her life

is clearly taking up some of that space. So there's a little bit of grace, I think you can extend there just like yeah i ultimately i just think let her know that you missed what you had and you just want to make sure that you're on the same page and maybe there's a and if not if i just want you know maybe you can make it real vague saying i just i value your friendship i miss the connection we had the time and i just want you to know, because you know me,

if I ever upset you or anything, I want you to be able to tell me because I'd rather just have you let me know rather than wonder. Make it easy. Because the point of fracture may have been around the time. I would agree with you

were it not for her being removed as the moderator. That seems to be almost like a hostile there's something but it could have been a reactive thing yeah to something which you want an answer about so like I would investigate that I would drive me nuts what did I do I think this is one of those things and I've actually learned this I've learned this from Darlene my therapist they're like I in the past I have a hard time waiting on like it's like oh something's bug past, I have a hard time waiting on, it's like, oh, something's bugging me. I have to get it out.

Yes. I've learned, there'll be something, I've been in a disagreement with Natalie, my girlfriend, and there'll be, we're fighting about a thing, but in the fight, something will come up that bothered me. You react to it. I reacted to something. Yes, yes. And I've learned that I can't forget it. I reacted to something. Yes, yes. And I've learned that, like, I can't forget it.

I need to bring it up. But, like, bringing it up and compounding it, like, let's just get through this thing we're going through. And then at another time saying, hey, there was just something I just wanted to bring up in a non-fighting environment where you're just saying, hey, we don't even need a fire about that. But next time this happens, it would mean a lot to me.

It changes everything. If, like, you you this is why this bothered me yes and in the future could we go about it a different way and i just think if you can talk to her and and build that connection up and just say you know what can i just ask you something that one time how many of those bachelor conflicts would be resolved if they were to just not react, step back, remove the emotion from it, and then, you know. Exactly. Because if you start off in a place of really, you've lost a little rapport with her, and now you reach out with a conflict,

she's going to be more inclined to be on the defensive. So I do think you should wait. Because it's not a, it's bothering you, but it's not going to stop you from talking or watching these movies together and things like that we could watch he's just not that into you because it's kind of like yes yes do you know what i mean and then pause it during the part where that advice is given and just look at her pointedly and say very passive aggressively do you connect with that at all, Tiffany?

If he's not calling you, he's not, this is, that's the answer. What do you think, Tiffany? And then let her answer. Yeah, no, but that'll be, I think you're right, Nick. That is good advice in person. Always better. Take it off the stream. All right, well, thank you for calling in.

Thank you. Hopefully this was helpful. Thank you so much. Yeah, it was. Hoping for the best. Thanks. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good.

How can we help? So I am in a six-year-long relationship, and it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The only issue that's kind of happening at the moment is I'm looking towards the future. I finish my nursing practitioner's school in a year and, you know, like I'm 32. I'm thinking about having children. And when I talk about marriage with my boyfriend, he says he's not ready. And he says he doesn't know when he'll be ready. And this has been going on for a year now. And I feel, it feels like I'm happy to call him because I feel like I'm in a problem with no good solution.

Because I don't want to walk away from somebody I love and care about and have been with for six years and we've been living together for two years I don't want to like force him into a proposal and a marriage that feels terrible and it also feels you know terrible to be with somebody for this long and like they don't know if they want to get married to me you know I'm kind of like how do you not know we've you know been together for this long do they want to have kids you want to have kids you've mentioned yeah yeah and and they talk about having kids and that's kind of a another part of it where I really want to go back to California where I'm from and where my family is. And he really wants to go back to Michigan and kind of sees raising a family in Michigan while, you know, I see, I see that

happening in California for me. Jenny, can I ask you what, what are his parents, are they still together, his parents and what's their relationship like yeah you know his parents are still together um i think the kind of family dynamic and you know nick i know you're from the midwest so i'm not trying to like throw any shade but you know like his family is like, they don't really talk openly about like feelings or like, it's very kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my family is like, you know, how are you feeling? Like, what's going on? I come from two different sides as well. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Do you think he, did he, but did he grow up with a strong example of marriage? I just wonder if some of his marriage issues are traceable and if they're identifiable. You know, I don't think it stems from his family. I think the big factor is that this is his first like real relationship um he hasn't had any like real relationship or real other like sexual romantic experiences like sexually yours first yeah i i did uh i'm gonna reference a movie i did which is really it's not the first time on the show but it's still embarrassing.

It's this movie called Comet, and there's this great line written by this guy, Sam Ishmael, and he says, I'm dancing with the actor with Emmy Rossum, and she says, why wouldn't you want this forever? You know, why wouldn't you want this forever? It's such a beautiful moment. We feel so at peace with each other. And I just say, because forever is scary. And I just say, because forever is scary. Yeah. And it may come down to something philosophical like that for him.

It may have, my point is, it may have nothing to do with you and just an idea that he's grappling with. So it might not be time, it might not be enough to jump ship. I don't know. I don't know enough about the relationship but it may just be an idea that he struggles with um because i i can relate to that the idea of it's a bit permanence and for somebody who hasn't explored been with other you know maybe he's thinking deep down in a way you know something that's hard to admit to someone you love that i'm just i don't want to i don't want it to end the the potential for meeting people i don't

know it could be something scary like that that you might need to really address with him yeah i think yeah of course of course I'm, you know, trying to be empathetic towards that. I think like, you know, the main question that I have in my mind is like, how long do I wait? Is it any type of significant future planning he avoids, or is it more about marriage? Because we do live in a time where marriage is becoming less and less popular and common. It's still mainstream, but there are a lot of people who are just cohabitating, who are having kids outside of marriage. Living in sin.

Yeah, living in sin. Me personally, I've always thought I'd get married and have kids and i plan on getting married and having kids but having kids is a significant priority for me and getting married is this like i mean if my partner wants to do it i'll do it likewise yeah you know and so i'm wondering so romantic have you i know if you if you have have you had conversations with him about this where it's really the marriage, the legal money aspect where it's just like a lot of people have become more pragmatic where they're just like, I don't know. Marriage is forever. And I don't feel like sharing every, you know, I don't know. But like you seem like a person I want to have kids with.

I know that's very unromantic, but I'm just trying to figure out where he's at in terms of avoiding progressing this relationship it's been hard having conversations about it just because they often kind of like get heated very quickly and he's not him or yeah yeah i'm i mean i think like i think it's a little bit of both. He can't provide something that she wants. Yeah. It must be frustrating for both of them. It must be frustrating for him too. Well, this is also one of those tough situations because this is a conversation about non-negotiables, right?

And the reason why you feel like there's a no-win situation is because you recognize that to get what you want ultimately in life, which is to have a family and a partner and build that kind of lasting relationship of love, that it might require you to leave this relationship. And someone who doesn't, not wanting to get married and not wanting to have kids or living in a different part of the country are all non-negotiables these are not like pet peeves of like i don't really i can get over them like being sloppy and despite you having this great relationship and it's been six years long and all those things you're stuck with you know this ultimately what might end up being a decision where you just have to find a way that he might relate to your point of view. Because what I'm hearing from you is you've been dating for six years, regardless of whether you've been his first or not, or the fact that forever is a

long time. These are all potentially valid feelings that you even can empathize with. We're like, oh, you know, I guess, you know know it's the only partner that'd be fun and like yeah forever it's fucking long we can't predict the future but you have the right to want to like progress the relationship forward and grow it yeah right he is ultimately asking you to just do this whatever this is and not advance the relationship and that's not something it doesn't sound like you're all that interested in in doing yeah nor should you and quite frankly he probably understands the idea of like things not ever growing or progressing past like this kind of stagnant relationship and so you are you are i am confirming unfortunately you are in a tough situation but i think it is about we've been together long enough that it's fair for me to ask you questions about the future.

And maybe it's, I don't want to pressure you into get married and I don't want to pressure you into kids. But I, what I don't want is to keep doing this without growing a connection. Cause you've been together for so long. It feels like it's gotten the point where he's actively trying to connect like he's trying to almost distance himself at the risk of you wanting more from the relationship so he's like almost saying okay we're not we're not going to get any closer we're not going to build this relationship any further because like she's going to want to get married or i'm gonna have to move to california or have kids. And that's not fair to you. Yeah. Have you considered taking, I mean, taking, having space? Have you considered kind of going back off to your corners and seeing how that works? You go to LA, he stays in Michigan. And I mean, it's kind of like, I have,

you know, thought about that. And especially like, I've had conversations where that's been suggested. Like, what if I spend a little time in California and have an open relationship or whatever? But I'm just not... What do you say to that? Well, talking to a friend, they're trying to problem solve this. Because obviously, I wish you were the first person I came to, but this is what he talks about. Yeah, I don't know if leading with

the open relationship I'm happy for your friends that he's not the first person you came to yeah wait why didn't you just ask

us for your friends just went on a show um yeah I do think weirdly enough it reminds me of Jennifer Aniston's

character and he's this not that India with what was it was with Ben Affleck and she like wanted to get married and yes and in that and that we we often sometimes just need a kind of kick in the pants a reminder of like what we really have and what we appreciate and that might be the fear of losing what he has yeah right now he it sounds like he's playing a game it's like a game of chicken he

is trying to get you to accept the status quo because hey babe it's happy we're fine why ruin a good thing type of thing and that logically makes sense and you're thinking i like we're not in college it's also different for women not the man's playing biology you got a biological clock if that's a concern that That's a valid concern. Men have the luxury of like, oh, you wait. So you might quite literally, and I wouldn't suggest an open relationship at all, because I think if you're going to set a boundary

about like what you want, he has to be afraid to lose you. He has to be afraid of losing the thing. And he's just going to have to accept that he's gonna have to grow and advance on some level you know that's with you or without you yeah it's just not fair to expect you to stop growing and and cultivating a stronger uh more committed relationship i think what's been challenging is to like discern the difference between like a boundary and an ultimatum yeah you know that makes sense like to be like if you know like i i just don't want to be

the girl who's like if there's not a ring on my finger and you know like i don't want to get it's not about that they could be one in the same yeah i mean that's the thing ultimately they there might not be a difference it might be just semantics or whatever you guys call it you that. They could be one and the same. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Ultimately, there might not be a difference. It might be just semantics or whatever you guys call it. You know, you call it a boundary. He's saying like, well, you're giving me an ultimatum. Like, okay, well, I guess. But like, those are pillars for you. I always like to think of, you know, what are your pillars? Like, what are the basics? What are the things you really need to be happy? And it sounds like having children and living in a certain place are real pillars or real basics and if somebody can't provide that it

and the familiar is really addictive I mean I've been really it's been a issue for me in the past like you know you're so familiar with each other that the idea of not being together I know it's like daunting it's it seems like how do you even approach it um but i think if you were to give each other time and space give them like a rumspringa you know how with the rum with rumspring as they they have like a you know the amish have a 90 retention rate because they 18 when they're 18 they go off and they go wild they could do all the things they had envisioned and then they realize like there's so much more safety and

security and um in in what they had i'm not saying that realized like there's so much more safety and security in what they had. I'm not saying that that's necessarily going to happen, but it might be nice to let the steam, you know, release the valve a little bit as it were. Yeah. Yeah. Because the pressure, you know, I think that healing is, it's also, you know, it's just stripping the room it's going to be corrosive and you're just resenting one another and it's going to be a thing that just hangs in the air

that just becomes more and more oppressive yeah yeah it's you know it has been hanging in the air and and like you know more recently he's he's like made kind of comments about, you know, like, well, you know, what kind of ring do you want and stuff like that. He has. So, you know, he has like with it, you know, since I wrote you like in the past few days. So there's, you know, there's movement. I think I'm taking it with like, you know, a grain of salt. He's like, will a ring pop suffice? They're delicious.

They're cherry and wild raspberry. Um, so, oh, so he is broaching that. So he's making those overtures recently. Yeah. Yeah.

He's, yeah, he's kind of alluding to. It might just be, like you said, it might just be the idea, just getting past the idea of like yeah permit I I get it by the way 43 and I'm not married so we're I'm not really

one to be giving advice to either of you about this but I I've been in I've been in similar shoes but it doesn't sound like you're like I need a ring on my favor my finger in the next six months right I mean, it is a little bit. Because when I finish school in a year, I'll be moving back to California. That's my plan. And my mom has had some health issues. So it's really important to me to be back as a family. He must understand that, oh yeah and he's like

been supportive through like her surgeries yeah but nevertheless you moving back home to after you get done with school does it necessarily have anything to do with you getting engaged or married or having kids per se i mean that is very For whatever reason, I have not seen it that way. But in the sense that it is security. No, I get the logic. I'm just saying, if you want to, you're going to have to massage this and finesse this a little bit too.

Like, you love him, you want to be with him right now as it stands. You would prefer him to propose to you. You guys get married, you have kids, and you figure out we're going to live long term. You're going to go back to California and be there for your mom. Hopefully, you guys can work around that. Ultimately, that sounds like the goal. Yes, biological clock, it matters and things like that. I think you do want to separate. Try not to combine

these all. If your mom has had some health issues and you want to be there for your mom like that's just that's just what happened you know that's going to happen but like he doesn't have to propose to you by then he could move out with you you could at that point that could be a period where you have a little bit of distance and see how you guys feel and that's where it doesn't become an ultimatum i mean mean, at some point, you're just like, hey, is this not going anywhere? But you're getting progress with him. You just want to make sure he's not just asking you that

to buy six more years. Because he's never said he doesn't want to get married. He just says he's not ready right now. All I'm saying is you need to get more clarity on what not now means to him and you need to understand from him that he recognizes that you he can't ask you to just have a stagnant relationship that you can't advance or grow things and is he willing at all to move at all like what what are you need some sort of

timeline or you know because you're just not okay with doing this i i i think i have an idea i think you need to tell him like be really honest and say what your fears are and ask him for the same ask him to do you the courtesy of telling you what his fears are about marriage and make it like safe for him to say that. Have like a, allow him to be vulnerable about that because there may be something that you can get past and it may be something that's like a little bit more difficult to do together. If it's, I just can't, I can't get my, I can't participate in the idea of permanence. I need to see what else is out there.

There may be something like that, that you'll get, I think, a lot more clarity if you are vulnerable and share your fears with him. I think that's a great idea. I think that's great. And he should be able to have that conversation. And if he's not, and if he's defensive and he's resistant to that, then I think that's a big signal to you that maybe he's never gonna give you what you want anytime soon.

Because at a minimum, he should be willing, that's a very opening, like welcoming, you lead with your fears, you're in a non-judgment place. I'm afraid of this, I'm afraid of this happening. And before you tell me not to worry and just be like, oh, whatever whatever that's never gonna happen share with me like the things that you're vulnerable about like I said like what is it about it that you you know and I know judgment I get it like I every whatever your

fears are they're valid but I would like to know what they are give him that space and if he should be able to have that conversation with you it'll be good for both of you I mean it'll be I think it'll be the most clarifying thing. But if he gets defensive, and that's a huge red flag that he weaponized that. It is. This is why I won't marry. That's pretty gnarly. You don't want to marry that.

Yeah. Yeah, that's been tough. And thinking about reasons to get married has been on my mind. And it's kind of a hard pill to swallow for me, even like I'm a romantic and kind of traditional romantic ideas. And to kind of get married under this pressure. Under duress. It's just very difficult to swallow the pill of being with somebody

who doesn't know that they want to marry me. I bet. That's got to be... Of course, the situation is painful. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, I try not to make it about that, though. I do think nowadays even more so with the freedom of not feeling the pressure to have to get married in your 20s,

forever is a long time. The divorce rates are higher than ever. It doesn't take long to figure out a lot of reasons that would make marriage unappealing. So try not to make it about his feelings towards you. That being said, I just think it's really important that you figure out whether this is a guy who can truly communicate with you

about these kind of tough conversations and see if he has the ability to empathize with your point of view and vice versa and have these conversations even if they are awkward and tough and things like that without him being triggered or defensive or weaponize these things because that that ultimately is going to determine whether it's even worth your time to like continue to build a future with this guy because like his his fears might be valid like i don't know it's just like what happens we we do have these fights and then you can say something like listen i don't care what you're gonna we're always gonna have some fights you

know that's that's like i can guarantee you that you know i'm gonna piss you off i i'm i have these things that you know i do that piss you off. Can we constantly work through them? Can we commit to each other that no matter what happens, we're going to take a breath, maybe like take a few moments and come back and try to work through a problem always with the goal of like not winning, but like figuring it out. It's just, it's being clear with your intentions. When you go into these conversations, just, I would even write them out. I know it sounds kind of like cheesy, but I've always found that to be really beneficial. What are my intentions here and how best to achieve that?

And how can I make those intentions known in the clearest way? Speak in a different way. Sometimes you have to really like speak in very parsed you know uh deliberate uh language and and calmly and i think you'll get i think you'll get really far yeah you're gonna be fine either way i'm not it's just it's just i know the feeling six years part you're you're you i think part of you should make your decision like you've been dating him for a year. Because ultimately, it really doesn't matter that you guys were together at 20. Like, the foundation, like, when you were dating

at 25, 26, 27, what does that really mean now for you guys? Yeah, that just adds to the story. Yes, it's just more pressure. It's just like, oh, it feels like you gave up on, it doesn't really matter, guys, you could have met while you were 27, but dating your boyfriend. I know that fear.

The fear is like, this will all have been for naught. Six years of my life. And he's probably thinking a similar thing. Six years, but it will. It will like benefit you greatly. You'll have learned so much. You'll probably still be in each other's lives. You'll be maybe closer in the long run.

It will, I promise you, it's not gonna just be wasted time. It will, you will apply it to something else. And you already are, you're already using it to discover what you want and how, how, how to achieve that happiness that you want. And that has, you know, talking about it with a friend and the fear of like, if this ends, I'm starting from square one. And my friend was like, yeah, exactly. Like, you're not, you've grown, you know what you want. Yes, yes, that you know exactly what,

now you're clear about what you want. What, you know, you are, it's going to be easier for you now to like, you know, meet that next one. I'm sure it's going to happen quickly, but like. I think that's some of the most damaging, like thought process and advice of thinking you're starting over after a breakup because you're yeah you're just think of how much you know about yourself most importantly and life

than you did at 25 yeah right and how much of what you learned about like what you want in a relationship versus not a relationship like you if it doesn't work out you start dating so much of this relationship will play a role in a good way of helping you select someone who might be better suited for you so to suggest that it was all for nothing is insane yeah it's it gives you clarity it's the best thing I spent a long time in relationships that weren't right many years and and I I thought the same way you know oh yeah it's a very relatable feeling oh man and like you think well that's it i said i waste all that i spent my first yeah yeah yeah you'll be you'll be i promise you i know so when you're for us when you're really confused ask yourself what i think this if we

were just dating for six months or a year in terms about losing what you built with him yeah yeah i think that'll i mean that, that's, that's helpful. Well, good luck. Well, start with the, start with the conversation Justin suggested. I think that it will be very eyeopening in terms of like what your appropriate next steps should be.

And hoping for the best for your mom too. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I'm, I'm excited to be closer to family. You should be. That's not, yeah.

Yeah. Life is, life is short. All right. Well, best of luck. Thank you guys. And let us, give us an update. You should be. Life is short. All right. Well, best of luck. Thank you, guys. Give us an update.

All right. Best of luck. All right. Take care. Well, Justin, thank you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. I love this so much. People love having you on. You're very good at it. I enjoy it. Thank you, Amanda. I was telling my audience, if anyone was like, hey, you know what? You're bedridden. You can't come in. And I would be like Thank you, Amanda. I was telling my audience, if anyone was like,

hey, you know what? You're bedridden. You can't come in. And I would be like, you know what? I would let Justin take over by himself. Only because I feel like with my audience, we love having guests on sometimes,

but they get very protective. I've built a trust with my audience. But you've built a trust with my audience too but you've built a trust with my audience too. You've accrued a significant amount of goodwill. Well, then thank you to your audience. Where are they? There they are. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. I love this stuff. Please let my audience know about your podcast, about where they can follow you, your movie, all the things. Just remind them of all that stuff. I will. It's called, my podcast is Life is Short.

And you can find it on, we do it through Wondery. You can find it on all the platforms, Spotify, Apple. You can go listen to it right now. Yes, yeah, well, as soon as you're done. Just go search Life is Short. Add it to the queue. Yeah, I should have said that. You guys are better at plugs.

Yeah, add it to your queue and what else? You know, stuff coming out soon. I'm have said that. You guys are better at plugs. Yeah, add it to your queue. And what else? You know, stuff coming out soon. I'm trying to think. What? Your movie? A movie, House of Darkness, Neil LaBute movie. My movie's on streaming.

Add that to your queue. It's called Lady of the Manor. And I did it with my brother. And we're really, it's a fun ghost comedy with Melanie Linsky who just won a Critics Choice Award my dear pal. She's

freaking, fucking she's fucking great. It's hard to talk about her performance without swearing because she's fucking great. So check out all of Melanie Linsky's work. That's what I'm plugging. Plugging Melanie Linsky. Justin, can't thank you enough. Thank you for

listening, guys. Sending your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. Go check out Justin's stuff. You can pre-order my book if you want. It's linked in the show description. Why are you so coy about that? You'd be proud of it. Because I'm going to be asking them

every Monday. Pre-advertising. Pre-order the book. Get ready for a lot of plugs. Yeah, get ready. You know, maybe if there's a thing where you can just do it at the very end. So if they've already pre-ordered the book, they can turn off the show. You can do like two endings.

Like anyway, things. If you pre-ordered the book, you are dismissed. Yes, exactly. You're not pre-ordered the book. What the fuck? You'll have to listen to another plug. I'm not prepared for the book. What the fuck? You'll have to listen to another plug. Well, my understanding is the amount of books that they have made

is half of my Ask Nick audience. Just my Ask Nick audience. So don't be left out. Okay. People. No. There's many books to be pre-sold. Anyway, we will see you tomorrow.

Yeah. Bye. Not me,, we will see you tomorrow. Yeah. Bye. Not me, but I'll see you.