The Viall Files - E406 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Pays Me Salary

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we dive into our first caller’s situation where a church guy she met comes on super strong, then pulls away. From his weird pickup lines asking if she wanted cat food, to his drug use, to him being a 32 year old virgin, his aura of mystery only likely serves to hurt. Our next caller can’t stop hooking up with and seeing a guy she knows is toxic for her. From changing his contact name on her phone to an STD, she can’t seem to stop herself from seeing a guy she knows isn’t good for her. She asks for help with putting her foot down and moving on. Our last caller struggles with what to do after her military boyfriend got orders to move to another state, meaning she would have to pack up her life where she lives now to continue to live with him. Now, she wonders what to do considering she would have to put a stop on her career, and if an unconventional solution like having him pay her a “Girlfriend Tax” may get her what she needs to make the jump and move.  “I got hooked on the potential of where it could go.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Vizzy: To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to http://www.VizzyHardSeltzer.com/VIALL The Zebra: Get your free quote today at http://www.TheZebra.com/VIALL  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. Ladies, how are you? What's new? What's going on? What's new with you, ma'am? I'm, I, lo and behold, I'm only seeing one person. It's going well. Sounds like you defined a...

Well, sort of. Labels have been floated. Labels have also been sort of i don't know i think it's had you're on the verge of having a boyfriend yeah potentially but you said he hadn't seen you sad and you didn't want to find things but you're also the fact you're talking about this here means you have a level of confidence about and and you're not afraid for him to hear this yeah well i don't think he's gonna hear this i think yeah but i but but do you think it's fair for me to draw a boundary with people i'm seeing to be like hey this is my work like i would really appreciate if you don't listen to it because i see on one hand i'm like i think i can ask but like if somebody else were talking about

me in a podcast you know i'm listening to that yeah it's just a weird thing to you it's a weird thing to ask because it's like well why it sparked it'll create more of a curiosity it's the whole don't look behind you you're just like why what do you mean and then you look behind you right yeah it's uh it's the tricky one. I don't know. But he must know you've brought him up. He has no idea? He's clueless? I don't know that it's like... I don't know that he knows. It's like new girl new.

Yeah, well, she was like... She was on it. Involved. She was involved. She would listen so much. And I tried to be like, please don't. And then she would and I'd be like, fair. You know?

Yeah. Okay, well well it's going well it's yeah his I think his roommate has listened once before so it's like my question is how did we end things with broken leg guy um that ended very honestly about like best it could have because I feel like he was very into you. More so than you were into him at the end. No, I think we were into each other in different ways. I think he was genuinely like we were frenemies with benefits. That was our title. And I think

I think he was genuinely like a friend. I don't know. It became a thing where we were still seeing each other for a little while. Like a little bit of overlap but we kind of stopped having sex honestly. Like we just hang out together

and then like sleep in the same bed. So that was like I think it was already kind of petering out and I think the way because I don't know I didn't want to

I really have a lot of respect and care for him. Yeah. I think he's wonderful and I think he's been very good to me. So you're no longer seeing him. So I'm no longer seeing him. So I'm no longer

seeing him in a romantic capacity. But we still like, we still do like comedy at the same theater. So it's like, we're on like very good terms and like,

I kind of said to him, I was like, we just had like a weird, we had a weird history and it was like, it's just got complicated and like, it can't really be casual

but it's also like, I think commitment, there's like too many weird little skeletons in the closet. And then also, I don't know. I think I was just like, I was like, I want to give myself the opportunity. I want to put myself in new situations where I can have an updated, like my updated sense of self and emotional knowledge can actually be reflected. Because you know how when you start a situation with someone

a little while ago, if you do growing, it can absolutely be reflected because you know how when you start a situation with someone a little while ago if you do growing it can absolutely be reflected in the current dynamic but there's still certain things that started at the beginning that are kind of like weird little through lines and so I think I was just like I don't know I feel very good about the person I'm seeing now I was just like I want to give myself a nice little clean slate okay we had an Olympic podium and bar guy's flag has currently been lowered down his national anthem is playing and new girl and broken leg guy are being good sports all right well well where what's gonna what's the next step i think it's probably formalizing a label i i think it was like when it was brought up it was more just like I'm meeting a ton of his friends.

And it's like weird to be like, this is a girl I hang out with, you know? And so I think it was sort of a... Are you guys saying good night and good morning to each other? No, because I don't fucking like texting. I mean, we're staying at each other's places a lot. They say it in person. They just don't text it. Every single...

I would never text him good morning. Every single morning I drive over, wake him up and say good morning and then I leave. That's what it means to be a boyfriend to me. You manifested this though because recently, I don't even know when this episode was, maybe a few months ago. And we were talking about the coming summer and you were like, no, like I had my crazy summer. I wouldn't be surprised if I was just seeing one person by this summer so i really feel like you manifest yeah you brought this into your own maybe it's just like i i get why people do and i've always i've been actively doing stupid stuff but like i get why people do stupid stuff when you like someone because it's just like when you

like have that like x factor it's just so pleasant. You seem happy. Yeah. See where it goes. That's fun. I got a question for you too. When you're dating someone and you're in a relationship with someone and you're talking about other people, do you think how much context

matters? Are we talking about an ex? No. Or someone you've hooked up with? Just people. No. Maybe potentially. I don't know. context matters are we talking about an ex no or like someone you've hooked up with just peep no just people maybe potentially i don't know but like and by context i mean like context like looks can matter right and by looks i mean well what do they look like how do other people perceive them when you're talking to your significant other about like another like another gender that you're attracted to like do you want do you care if your partner says like oh well you know they're a good looking person so x y and z or would you rather

not hear that am i making sense yeah no you are making sense i feel like not to say no oh no i get what you're you're basically like being like if you add in a descriptor like being like like i presumably complimenting presumably well it's just more like yeah and, if you add in a descriptor, like being like, presumably complimenting. Well, it's just more like, yeah, and they're a good-looking person, so people reacted, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And then the question is like, did I need to know that they were a good-looking person? Or did I need to know that you know that they're a good-looking person? And my response is, we both know they're a good-looking person.

I feel like, yeah, for certain people it goes without saying. But my question is is it sometimes on a need to know basis? Is it potentially an overshare? Well, I think it's like why is it

necessary context? Is it because people thought the two of you were together? Because I think there's ways to do it that's almost a little bit like, I, and there's almost ways to do it that are a little bit like not adding someone, but sort of being like, it's like, I'm not saying you should be jealous, but I think like, I just think there's ways of doing it that can sort of activate. Sure. Oh, like an anxiety. I feel like I need more context. I just don't understand, like, what are we talking about other people regarding? What does this have to do with anything? I guess anytime you're telling a story about someone. So you're like, okay, so I was hanging out with my friend

Demi, you know, the hot one. That's definitely not how it was said, but if I said that, I could see that would be an unnecessary overshare because that's what I mean the way you were describing it I was like

why is that I honestly forgot like how it came up were you the one who was using the adjectives yeah

and Natalie was just like Natalie being like this dude was a 10 out of 10 but Natalie definitely that's the thing but Natalie will definitely i know when

she finds certain guys attractive but natalie's response is i know you don't care and i don't i i have no problem with her acknowledging that she finds certain men attractive like i'm confident with how she feels about me but that's just me i think it's i think there is a little something about the way that like and i don't think this is an exclusively gendered thing at all i think it can people can have very different opinions on this but i do think there is something about like my female experience where it's like you're kind of fed this message of like be careful men might cheat like it just in general like the way all these like cultural stories about men being like sex fiends or men being people you have to like lock down

or trap like i think some of that can like subconsciously be present in a way that just like makes like like even though it should be perfectly equal because you guys have great communication there is a little something about like hearing a guy call a girl hot that like prickles something up even if you're very confident anyway it was just an interesting conversation we had and she and we were talking and she's like i i think you'd be surprised how many uh people are not interested in in hearing that and i was like it might be right i might it might because i know that I'm definitely like, I lean into the, I like the truth. I don't, you know, I do.

And so like, I like knowing that I can, for me, it's just like, I know that Natalie thinks, like, just factually, Natalie knows other people in this world are attractive. So I like knowing that I'm confident enough in myself to know who those people are without like being... Is it just like... Does that make sense? Yeah, but why do you think... Do you think it's just like a curiosity thing?

Do you think it's like a... I'm not always being like, are you think he's good looking? Do you think he's good looking? But I find with her pointing it out, if it like... And there's always like, it's always context, right? If I felt like she was like, I'm like, I get it. You it like and there's always like it's always context right if i felt like she was like i'm like i get it you want to you know like she doesn't you know

what i'm saying but if she were like oh my god he's so handsome i'd be like no you know what i'm saying but like if it's just like i you know she's an attractive person so like obviously guys were you know responding to her a certain way and it it was just like, you know, I don't know what I said, but it was just like, is it always, is it just best to leave it out unless someone asks? Or, you know, it's just more, are you just better to not? Yes. You think just better to not? It's just like, why?

I don't know. It's so interesting. Because I think sometimes, I think context matters. I mean, people treat people by how they look. People respond to people differently by certain things. I mean, it's just, it's a, it's a, it's a detail. Yeah, there's like two sides to it.

Because it's like on one hand, it's like, why does it matter? On the other hand, it's like you don't want to be like omitting stuff. But I think that's like a real... We both know this person's like traditionally attractive. But if you both know, then what's the point of mentioning it?

I guess it's because it's a discussion point. Yeah, I guess it's like are you viewing this as something that you'd usually mention so you're saying okay, I'm specifically going to not say this with my partner

because I don't think you're saying like oh, you should throw it in with your partner. You have to disclose. Yeah, it's not like should we just take a moment and talk about how good looking this person is? No, it's none of that.

It's just, it is a fact or an opinion, one of the two, and it's not meant to be a threatening fact or opinion. It's just a data point, really. Do you think it's acceptable to have, like, on the topic of having, thinking about people's attraction, like, outside of someone

you're in a relationship with, do you think it's acceptable to, of course, you can acknowledge someone's hot. At what point does it become like, okay, shady? Like, can you, if you feel a little bit attracted to someone, Well, if you have to keep saying it,

it's like, damn, they're good looking. It's like, we get it, you know? Because then you're just kind of appreciating their attractiveness rather than and it's a subtlety i'd really i'm curious what people listening will say my guess is it's there's two sides of the coin really i think i think it's so much matters how it's said and how it's delivered and to to your point, Amanda, I think it can be triggering for some, even if it's well-intentioned and not meant to,

they're not gawking. It's just more like, I just was pointing out what I thought we both knew. And some people might just not want to hear it because maybe it scratches an itch. Totally. I learned that maybe not everyone is as open to just full disclosure

right off the bat. It's something that potentially I need to be more mindful of. Totally. Yeah. I think it really could rub people the wrong way. You have to like, yeah, I took that for granted. We have an update for you guys. Allie is going to do the honors. Okay. What was the episode? Listeners, do you remember? It was episode 359,

and this woman was saying that she was dating this guy who had cats, and he treated the cats better than her, better than even himself. They would sit in his chair, the couch and like she was just like can we not have the cats on top of us and he was like no yeah he asked her to get allergy shots he did offer to pay for them but still like a bold yeah i remember that guy yeah okay so she wrote in and she said hi i was on the podcast at the end of november and do have an update following the recording i had a serious talk with my ex and told him what I needed more of to feel valued and supported in our relationship.

What was my advice? I just remember you had this iconic line. You were like, you shouldn't be jealous of his cat. I think it was like, he's not making you a priority at all. Okay. Okay.

So she said, following the recording, I had a serious talk with my ex and told him what I needed more of to feel valued and supported in our relationship. And he ended up promising to not only schedule us couples counseling, but that he would go on individual therapy to try to show up better for me. A month went by and he fell back into his old habits and didn't prioritize me in the way he promised. And he never followed through on any of the therapy. I ended things in early January.

And while it was hard, I definitely feel like it was the right decision. I ended things in early January, and while it was hard, I definitely feel like it was the right decision. I've been dabbling in online dating and have some dating horror stories already, but I think the experience of my last relationship and talking with Nick helped me realize that I need to prioritize listening to my gut when I'm evaluating how I feel around a potential partner. I sometimes get lonely, but it feels good to value myself and not accept someone who makes me feel unimportant. Thanks. That's awesome. And also, people be lying about going to therapy.

Like, people. It's kind of like a final chip to throw. I feel like that's so common for people to be like, Yeah, like in the desperation of wanting something, be like, oh, go to therapy, I'll do anything. And then they don't follow through. Oh, usually lying about going to therapy.

Yes. Yeah. Gotcha. Like making an empty promise to go to therapy. Sure. Specifically men. Okay.

Not a single girl I've dated has ever lied about going to therapy. I love that she, I love that she mentioned that even though while she is out there dating and there are bumps in the road, she's not discouraged by that.

Mm-hmm. Well, and it reminds me of even like what we talked about in the Justin Long episode of Ask Nick. And that girl was like, well, I'm just afraid to end it because then I'm starting over. And both you and Justin were like, even if it ends, you're not starting over because you have all this data and you have all this experience from the relationship that's going to help your future relationship. So it's like a similar thing of even though, you know, it's been rough out there in the dating world, she's got all this experience. Well, Godspeed. She's in the trenches and we salute her. Can we like matchmake our callers? I feel like that would be fun. Hit

me up. Yeah. Slide in my DMs if you want to find love. Vizzy Hard Seltzer. That's right. I'm getting some DMs from our listeners letting us know how much they're loving Vizzy Hard Seltzer. One listener said, I blame the Volfals and also thank you. Because Vizzy Hard Seltzer is delicious. It's also got antioxidants, vitamin C. So it's got a little health benefit into your spirit. Vizzy just launched their first nationwide

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We have the wonderful Chloe Cherry from Euphoria with us. Natalie and I met her at a W Magazine party. She was very nice, and she was like, what do you do? You're always on the clock, Nick. I'm always on. Well, it was a party where it was a bunch of A-list celebrities, and then Natalie and I. And Chloe was like,

what do you do? Are you a model or something? And I was like, no, but thanks. And then I was like, no. And then I was like, I got a podcast. And she goes, that's it? I was like, no, I can get it. It's such a weird thing.

But she was super nice. And so she's going to be here chatting with us on it. It's such a weird thing. But she was super nice, and so she's going to be here. Chat with us on Wednesday. Let's get to our caller. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good.

What's your name? My name is Elizabeth, and I am age 24. How can I help Elizabeth? So I just wanted to call in and basically get clarification on the situation I've been dealing with since this summer. basically have been trying to help me kind of navigate this situation and to kind of get more clarity on it because the man that I've been dating since the summer has basically kind of been hot and cold. Basically to give more clarity on the situation, he's a little bit older than me, about eight years old, eight years older than me. And I'm an elementary school teacher and he is a realtor agent in the area. So he's super well known.

And during the summertime, I had moved back to the area and I had been going to church and kind of getting involved in my church community that I'd grown up in because it's next to the school that I work at. So one day when I was going to church, he had come up to me and kind of asked how I was doing and asked who I was and what I do. So he was trying to get to know me and he ended up giving me his business card. And he said to me um do you have cats and i said yeah cats yeah and he said i have a box of cat food that flew out of somebody's back window or trunk and i have no use of it so would you like the box of cat food so walked over to his car he gave me some free cat food and then asked me to dinner do you think do you think he

like always has cat food in his car and like maybe that was my first size i was like i don't know if this is kind of creepy it's like you know that cliche story of you know the kid with the the candy and things that's it has the exact same energy as i have some candy in my van do you want to come get a piece? And like, you know, he's a real estate agent and not that I... There's a lot of... It came flying out of someone's trunk. You know, some guy who has his face in a park bench.

He probably has a couple tricks up his sleeve of how to like diffuse an awkward situation. That's so funny. That's exactly what my mom said. All my friends thought it was hilarious too i was like we're right out of church so um i don't think anything sketchy could really happen so um anyways i basically had been in a long-term relationship about um seven months before this

where i was living with a partner and that didn't work out. He ended up moving away and joining the army. So for the next seven months, I was going to therapy and I was focusing on myself, got a new job. I was doing school over the summer to continue my degree. And that's when this guy had kind of popped in and said, do you want to go to dinner? So I talked to my therapist about it and I was like, I don't know if I should go. Do I still need to work on myself? And he was like, look, you're a good girl. You're a nice girl. Basically have just had some bad luck with partners in the past and bad situations. And he was like, you know, you just

need to tell whoever you're dating. I'm just looking for somebody nice and somebody who's going to treat me nice. So I went in with the mentality of like, at the very least, I'm going to have a nice friend from this. Because I just met him. I was like, I don't know if this is romantic or if it's platonic or whatever. So we ended up going into the date. He picked me up and we went down the road to this restaurant and the date went really lovely. The conversation really flowed. We pretty much clicked really well. And I was pretty surprised by that. So I'm pretty peculiar with who I connect to and I'm not like very keen on, you know, like getting feelings very quickly. So I was actually surprised by how lovely it went.

I was like, you know, this guy's really nice. I'd be open to another date. So after the date, he ended up walking me around my block like four times because he wanted to talk to me even more, He ended up walking me around my block like four times because he wanted to talk to me even more, asked to hold my hand, was complimenting me, was really sweet. So the next day, he had mentioned inviting me to his Bible studies. And the next day, he picked me up to bring me to his Bible group study with families that he was very close with in the area and that some of them he had actually sold houses to. So he took me there actually weekly and was introducing me as his date. And his friends actually prayed on us dating one time, which I was really surprised by. I didn't really have anything like that happened to me before that. I mean, that sounds intense to me, but like for other people, it might

seem like a normal thing. How is that for you? Yeah. So I was pretty open mind with it. It did seem intense for me too. Like I was like, you know, this seems pretty, pretty special. Huh? Yeah.

That's normal? Yeah. For religious people. Absolutely. What if, what if one person is just is just like hey i'm still getting to know you i think it's more there's a lot of pressure there no i think it's more i don't know like eight people around you being like we want god to make you guys date well to give more clarity it was a breakfast uh bible study that i had with him and his two other friends and they're married

and have a baby together and so it was just the four of us that morning i mean and i saw you walked into like these you understood like the stakes of this environment like it's a pressure cooker of a so that's an intense environment to walk in for someone you like just met and like are getting to know yeah it felt comfortable because it was almost like very spontaneous. Like it didn't feel like they expected to really pray on us. Like it wasn't like we're going to have this meeting and we're all going to, you know, sit here and pray on them. It was more of like we were having a Bible study like usual. And I think that from my perspective, like they were seeing us together and I think that they more likely wanted it to

go well. So what they said when they prayed on us, they were like, you know, we want you guys to have a good time and to just have fun getting to know each other and basically for it to be good and to be like lighthearted and fun. So it wasn't like anything like, I hope you guys get married. I guess I'm just more curious about like walking into an environment where you have married couples and the preying on the thing is one thing, but it's just depending on how you feel about that situation. I mean, at this point, I don't know if he's more interested in you or you're interested in him and you're just kind of trying to feel it out or if you were really excited.

At this point in my life, I'm a very monogamous, relationship-oriented type of person. I don't like talking to multiple people at once. That's why I like to get to know somebody very well before I do end up saying, look, we're going to be exclusive or we're going to be in a relationship or vice versa. But I've also never been the one to kind of put the

label on things. So I kind of like to go with the flow and see where it goes because I like things to be natural and not like be forced or anything like that. So then what happened and what brought it the question? What's the question? Everything was going great. So basically, we went on more dates. Long story short, we kissed. He ended up writing me love poems about our first date, dropped that off to me when I was out with my friends one night and then went home early. And then we went and sat in the park and here's where things started to change. He sat me down and he said, you know, I've been telling you about my hip problem and how I have pain in my hip. And he's been going to physical therapy for these

things. He told me after we kissed and, you know, talked about like dating and things like that. And he said, you know, I want to be able to give you 100% before I can commit to you. And I was like, okay, that's fine. You know, I wasn't really expecting you to kind of go so forward with things because he would compliment me a lot and kind of like talk about, you know, why don't we just tell people we're engaged? Just like a joke. But like, if you say something like that, it's not really a joke, you know? He said that? Yeah. He would say little things like that all the time.

Okay. That's a red flag, but all right, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. So I was kind of like, whoa, like slow down, buddy. So he ended up telling me at the park one day, um, after kissing me and like telling me that he really liked me, after kissing me and like telling me that he really liked me, I went to rehab for opiates and I had a mental breakdown and went to, had to be in a mental facility to withdraw from the opiates. And he said that it was from his surgeries, from his past elbow surgery, from his pain with his hip. And he said that he was in the most pain of his life in the same sentence. And then he basically said, look, I don't, I can't be in a relationship right now. And I have to focus on work in this pain. And I said, okay, well, if you're in that much

pain, then I think that it is something that you need to deal with on your own anyways. So, um, I tried to be supportive of him. He stopped going to church. He stopped going to Bible studies. I didn't really suspect that he was using a gun until he started to not act like himself. And his sentences seemed slurred. His sentences weren't adding up. He wasn't acting like he's up to himself. And his favorite quote was, I'm going to go back to being low-key. This guy had no furniture in his house, has never owned a TV.

I'm not sure what he does in his free time. That's why I was like, this guy is saying he's going to go back to being low-key more times than he's ever leaving his house. So that's when I started. I was talking to all my friends. I'm like, guys, I think he's using again. I think that, you know, he might be doing this. I don't know. He's not acting like himself. And for like two months straight, I was like, am I crazy? Or is this

guy actually, you know, going back into his opiate use? So he told me that he had surgery on October 15th. This was back in the fall. And about a month before his surgery, he was kind of connecting with me and sat me down for dinner. And that's like the most that he could do, he said, was have me come over to his house and we'd share a dinner together. This is after he was like, I can't date you anymore.

Yeah. Why were you so willing to just accept everything he wanted? Because we weren't in a relationship and I wasn't at the point where I was emotionally invested enough. And that's the thing is I did start kind of getting a little bit upset because it was almost like I was worried. I got worried about him. Yeah. And then, so I said, you know, I want to sit down and talk to you.

And he had mentioned to my mom before, you know, I've struggled with my sobriety and things like that. And that's when he had said to me, like, look, I can't give you 100% while I'm doing my pain and work. And when I do give you 100%, he said, I want to be able to tell all the old ladies at church that we're getting married. And I was like, well, like, I don't know if that's a joke. I don't know if

that means he's 32. So clearly he's looking for, you know, a relationship that's probably going to lead to marriage, but he also is a virgin. And that's something that has been part of his family life. His brother was a virgin as well and got married to his wife who was a virgin. And going to church and church was very instilled in their lives. So I'm like, okay, this guy is looking for a relationship that's going to probably lead to marriage because he probably doesn't want to be in the dating game too much. But I don't know relationship that's going to probably lead to marriage because he probably

doesn't want to be in the dating game too much. But I don't know if that's true because when he did that and he sat me down and he said, look, I said to him, what are they giving you for pain other than physical therapy? And he said, they're giving me muscle reluctance. And at the time I was kind of naive about it because I was like, okay, well, I guess they have to give them something for pain. But then my mom was like, they don't give painkillers to somebody who was addicted to pain unless they're not telling them that they went to rehab. So basically that was his kind of like, I felt like his sneaky way of saying like, I'm using... Yeah, I don't know. I'm not a specialist in addiction. I got a couple of questions for you.

So what's your main question with this guy basically being sneaky with me? Or was this guy being honest with me in his actions? Was he probably just dealing with his pain or was he being dishonest with me? What are your intentions with this guy? What are your hopes, if any, for this person in your life? Well, currently him and I aren't talking and that's why I was more likely looking for clarity on the situation. Why aren't you talking? After a surgery, we weren't really talking that much. We went on a couple of dates and he was like, you know, I want to talk to you about how I've been feeling about you and maybe get back onto where we were. And then all of a sudden I got this text from him that said, I don't want to hang out with

you one-on-one anymore. And you didn't tell me that you used to smoke pot. And I feel like you weren't being honest with me. And that's not how you build a foundation for a relationship. And he was like, I wish all the best for you, and I do care about you, but based on your past, I don't want a relationship, and I was pretty shocked when I got that text, because I was like, you disappointed, you know, I was disappointed in him a lot of times, or I felt like I was like, I felt like this guy was being dishonest with me for months. So I guess I'm just wondering why he reacted like that, especially with his past and him not you or not opened up to you as I should have before and have that chance to talk to him about it, mostly because I was really caught off guard.

And so apparently somebody was talking to him about my past that he knows in town. And he said, it's a small town, blah, blah, blah. And so basically he said, I don't want to meet up. I'm just moving on. And then he basically, he blocked me on Facebook, which I've never even contacted him before on and removed me on Instagram. That's fine. I mean, hopefully for him, it's not about you. I wouldn't take it personally.

What's your dating history before this guy? My dating history, I've been in a few relationships, but I haven't really gone on dates much. I live in a small town where people don't really approach you that much. I don't use dating profiles. Why not? Basically, I've been going to school, and I was in a relationship for two years from 2018 to 2020.

And then before that, it was really just high school, immature relationships. Why don't you go on dating apps? Because I don't find that there is a lot of people with the same mentality as I do. I think you'd be surprised. That makes sense. I mean, it's easy to notice the things that you don't like in anything. Right. Yeah.

There are people. Hookup culture is a big thing, obviously, but there's still a lot of people out there who aren't participating in it who have the same morals and values, and some of them are on dating apps. And it's just a way to meet people. And if you are living in a small community, well, it's harder to meet people because there's just, you know, your circle's a little bit smaller.

It's a way to expand your circle, you know? Right. Yeah, my sister actually met her husband on Tinder. There you go. And then you just make sure you have a lot of, you know, boundaries and expectations and you understand what you're looking for. Yeah, I'm a little worried for you in this this situation this guy's a mess for everything you're telling me i you know it's just why he said what he said i don't know i mean if he really is suffering from

substance abuse and maybe he's relapsing relapsing i mean uh it would i would question anything he he says is he projecting his own decisions and struggles and trauma onto you? Probably. But I'm worried for you because I think this guy makes you feel needed. I think you're trying to be level-headed with the yeah, I'm just taking it slow. And I think

on a lot of aspects, you are taking it slow. But you are getting caught up potentially wanting to date this guy all while looking out for his best interest. You're worrying about whether he's relapsed when you haven't even heard from him. You are, you're, I think you're too invested in this guy. You, you haven't really dated all that much or, or know all that well. And then he gave you a bunch of kind of other before even finding out that he was, you know, suffered from substance abuse and might not be totally, you know totally through that process or fully healed

and subject to maybe relapsing, the intensity of, let's just tell people we're engaged. This guy's all over the map in terms of what he is. He has a lot of work, it seems like he needs to do. And that needs to happen as a single guy out of his life. And I think unfortunately, whether he intends to or not, people like you who come into his life before he's fully healed, he's going to hurt, unfortunately.

Emotionally, most likely. Because he's like a walking help me poster. And if you want to feel needed, and if you want to feel like you can add value to someone's life, it's easy to want to try to help him because I'm sure he seems well-intentioned and he at moments, like you said,

can be very charming and there's a lot to like about this guy. But I think what's clear is that you need to distance yourself and you have to stop letting his actions make you feel less than about yourself. Like him blocking you on Facebook. I tell people all the time,

block people for your own good because it stops you from seeing someone not to get a reaction from you. So I don't know if this guy's taking my advice, but the only way you should be interpreting is, oh, maybe he just needs to work on himself and heal. Maybe he doesn't want to see what I'm doing on Facebook. It's not that you're communicating with him, that he can like, you know, if you're posting and you know, whatever, maybe he just wants to remove himself.

Maybe he thinks, maybe he actually has a moment of self-awareness to realize I need to just keep her out of my life because I'm a mess right now. And I don't want her investing energy in me because I can't give her what she wants back. So I just need to remove myself. And he's trying to stop himself from reaching out to you because in a moment of weakness, he might do that. So it's not your job to analyze him or trying to understand what he's thinking and all these things. I think you just need to see the big picture. And that is, nice guy, had a nice moment, whatever, but not my guy. And he needs to heal and I need to look elsewhere for someone.

And that elsewhere should maybe be some dating apps with some boundaries and expectations for yourself so you don't get caught up in other people who don't want what you want. And you are still very young and you have a lot of time on your hands, but investing in people who have work to do in themselves and you know that they do is is not is is it's wasting your time right yeah and it's it's uh you can really invest and it could get really hard and you could really fall for this guy and it could be all wrapped up in this kind of toxic situation that you know it just seems like whatever he's going through, he's made

it pretty clear that he's not in a position to start and grow a healthy relationship. And you're at risk of being really kind of on this emotional rollercoaster for a long time. Yes. Yeah. And I think I should have realized that, especially when one of these, the older ladies at church had said to me when he was next to me oh you you really like to date all the young ladies at church don't you and i thought that was kind

of like a joke you know i was like oh okay but i didn't think that it was so sure she's dated um apparently he goes around to almost every young lady at church. Yeah, maybe he wants to meet someone religious, and so he's hitting on all the single girls at church. It's not a crime, but it just shows that... No, absolutely not. Yeah, this guy's a mess right now. Honestly, I don't think that's much of a red flag. It makes sense from what you're telling me.

It seems like he wants church to be a big part of his life, and the easiest way to make sure that someone it makes sense from what you're telling me. It seems like he wants church to be a big part of his life and pretty easy, you know, the easiest way to make sure that someone is also like, shares your same religious values and meet someone at church, you know? Right. And you just get to see it and the other ladies at church get to see it,

you know, dating apps offer at least some privacy and who you're swiping right on. And he's just swiping right at Bible study. The important thing is that you just need to see the big picture. He's not in a position to give me what I want. And it's not healthy. And you need to police yourself to stop wondering why or what he means or what are his intentions

or why he did this and if he's okay I mean Sankal he's not your problem you can get clarity from yourself right so you're getting clarity for how he feels about you or his choices you don't need you don't need his clarity you just need your clarity needs to come from you deciding he's not in a place to give you what you need. It doesn't need to come from what's going on in his life or why is he choosing to do what he's doing. He can't give you any answers that are going to give you the clarity that you think you want.

And that's the rabbit hole. That's the trap. That's how people like him, and by people like him I mean like someone who's just like comes and goes can't mix up their mind for whatever reason right and then you assign this like oh they need me or like i just you know you're just on a very sleepy slope of being able to lie to yourself about why you're going to do what you're doing and i i i in as far as seeing him, listen, it's going to be awkward

the first couple of times that you see him around and especially if you've cut him off. So you just have to get through that. Be around friends, be around family. Try to early on maybe avoid some situations that he might be at, but he'll get used to that. Make sure that you're strong enough

to say no to him even though it's tempting to say yes. Right. Absolutely. Okay. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Best of luck. Thank you. Have a good day. You too. Bye-bye.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Jill and I'm 27. How can I help Jill? All right. So a bit of a doozy for you, but I'll try to keep it quick. So I got out of a relationship, a three-year relationship back in September. And very soon after exiting said relationship I met somebody else wasn't my intention I wasn't on dating apps or anything like that but it happened quite organically um I met him through some mutual friends and we met at a um at like a dinner party um and we hit it off right away we spent spent that night together, didn't sleep together, but did stay in the same house. The next day, we like exchanged numbers, and it kind of just took off. Once again, unintentionally wasn't trying to meet somebody, but there we go.

and we dated for only five weeks. But I was in a, I was in a transitionary period, you know, I would just left a relationship. I hadn't even found a new place to live yet. So I was kind of couch surfing between friends and house sitting and dog sitting and staying with my parents. And it was a bit of a mess. But he was a pretty big support system for me at that time. Very helpful. And he had been through a similar situation a couple of years previously. So anyways, we hit it off pretty well right away. We had a lot in common. We would

have really good conversation, which I think was something that I was missing in my previous relationship we would go on dates we had dates in we had dates out like everything was it was moving at a pace that I thought was respectful to my previous relationship I wasn't trying to rush anything I wasn't jumping into anything what do you mean by you thought it was moving at a pace that was respectful to your previous relationship I wasn't trying to anything. What do you mean by you thought it was moving at a pace that was respectful to your previous relationship? I wasn't trying to go from one relationship into the next. I wasn't trying to, you know, rebound. Why were you trying to respect your previous relationship?

Yeah, I think because there was still, you know, I just, I still had respect for him as a human. And like, even though we weren't compatible in a relationship sense, I didn't want him to feel hurt that I had moved on to somebody else. No, I know. It's just one of those things that's, and like, yeah, that makes you sound like you're an empathetic person who cares. I just think we need to, we need to change our kind of phrasing on that because you were dating, right? It doesn't stop you from dating.

It didn't stop you from doing whatever it is you had the right to do. And yeah, we can feel bad when relationships end. But we spend too much time living in past relationships in our head, whether you're the breaker-upper or the one who's been broken up with. And as cold as it might sound, if you get broken up with, or whoever does the dumping, just because you haven't moved on yet doesn't mean the other person doesn't have the right to live their life. And short of you like throating it in their face, you have, everyone has the right to

do that. Anyway, I digress. Go ahead. Thank you. Okay. So speaking of breakup, so we dated for about five weeks and it was going really well. And I felt like everything was, you know, I felt like it was very aligned and then it was supported by our mutual friends. And, um, I felt very strongly

like I was on the right path. Um, and then, so he ended it very abruptly. I was taken very off guard. ended it very abruptly. I was taken very off guard. New guy. And what did he say? So he took me out for a walk. I thought we were just going for a walk. I had no idea. This was a breakup walk. How do we feel? Yeah. He's like, well, he was like, do you want to go for a walk? And I was like, yeah, I want to go for a walk. That sounds great. Like I'll meet you in an hour. I had no idea that there were other intentions for this walk other than just like going out for some fresh air. Um, and so we meet up and we're just like catching up about our day. And then, uh, and then he basically was like, so I don't actually want us to be dating anymore. And I was just like completely caught off guard. I didn't see it coming. I didn't be dating anymore and I was just like completely caught off guard I didn't see it

coming I didn't be dating anymore yeah okay um his reasoning was that he um he was searching for an intangible feeling that he just didn't feel with me and he wasn't getting excited about the next steps okay um what'd you say yeah and that's kind of, I was like, well, like from an outsider's perspective and like on paper, I can totally respect that. I wouldn't want him to be with me if he wasn't feeling the way that I was feeling. But it really hurt. And it was like. So tough.

It's so hard in that moment to just say, you know, some version of, I'm sorry, you feel that way and not try to, you know, some version of, I'm sorry, you feel that way and not try to, you know, be like, well, I don't know. I heard on a podcast or in a book that like the sparks overrated. So like maybe you should, it's really hard not to like reason with this person, but the absolute best thing to do is to just be like, oh, okay, well, cool. Unbothered is really the best way. I know, but I was very bothered. To me, I'm like, how are these feelings not mutual? How are you not feeling exactly the way that I'm feeling?

Did you ask those questions? Not exactly. I did ask him, are you sad about this? And he said that he was um i don't know uh yeah but i mean i get it such a it's it's such a loaded question it is yeah um you know and i just i think the hardest part is that i just said yes then you're then you're then he's gonna have to be respectful for those feelings. It's just like, oh, well, she's sad. So I guess I have to mourn the loss.

For all you know, he met someone else. Right, exactly. So I think the hardest part was that I just like, I didn't see it coming. It totally caught me off guard. And I felt like the rug was ripped out from under me before things even got started. Like I felt like I was, you know, it was just like the potential of where this was going to go was just like right away, just eliminated before, before it even really took off. And that was, that was hard for me. And it still is hard to me to like right now to understand and to let go of that. So I'm sad. I'm telling my friends, you know, I'm going to be okay, but like, I'm sad about it. And then 10 days later, I get a message from him. It's 9 PM on a Sunday. And I just moved into my

new apartment. And he was like, Hey, how did your move go? Like, do you need any help unpacking? And I'm like, is this a booty call? I'm pretty sure this is a booty call. And, and I went for it. And I, and I, I know that that probably wasn't wise but in that moment I was like oh maybe he's changing his mind you know maybe he realized what he'd missed in the past 10 days I don't know what I was thinking Nick don't laugh at me

I'm thinking I'm both like bad at my job but also thankful there's like very practical things that we talk about that are not complicated are so hard to do in the moment which allows this show to continue I'm just being selfish

well you're welcome but yeah it's just like fuck haven't you been listening yeah well it was just so you you probably know this but for a moment you were in the driver's seat with all the power. And then you gave it all away.

I gave it up. I gave it up. I did. The good news is for you is it'll be a cyclical thing if you allow it to be. Right. So you hooked up. What happened after the hookup? We hooked up. He did not help me unpack. We just hooked up. We didn't talk about the fact that he was in my apartment again, that he had come back after changing his mind.

None of that was discussed. It was just casual sex. That was it. And then he left, and then it happened again a few days later and so in my mind now I'm spiraling and I'm like okay are we friends with benefits now is this a one-two time thing like what is this um I'm trying to make sense of it I'm trying to make it add up yeah there's nothing there's nothing at all yeah. Yeah. You wrote here, I'm reading, I don't want to never see him again. But every time we hook, of course not. You wanted to date him,

or at least you were interested in getting to know him more. So this logic of, which many people in your position do, think, well, but I want to see him again. And if I want to see him again, then it should be okay to see him. It's my choice. It's not his. That's you trying to convince yourself that you're making a power decision.

I want to see him, so I'm going to see him. And that's me taking my power back. Yeah. No, that's you convincing yourself of how little you're willing to accept with how you want. Of course you want to see them. You wanted to date them. And unfortunately, when it comes to dating is sometimes we have to say no to ourselves about the things that we want, because we're, we're still saying, if we do say yes, we're saying yes to like some, not all,

yes for saying yes to like some not all you know right and you can be thankful uh you met him you could be thankful for the good sex but chemistry is just a small part of a lot that you're going to need in a relationship what you have going for you is that he likes having sex with you What you have going for you is that he likes having sex with you. And if you still are hoping that, as I've mentioned recently, this quickly just turned into a situationship overnight. Yeah, it did. And most situationships, I would argue, will never come to be. But the good news is, is that what you have going for you, and I'm not trying to give you too much hope here,

but it did start with the attempt of being romantic, which for a lot of people in situationships, it doesn't even get that far. It's just like you hooked up one night and the guy right off the bat is like, hey, I'm not looking for a girlfriend. Or the girl's like, I'm not looking for a guy friend. And you're cool, we can hang out. And they set those kind of parameters of a situationship right off the bat. And you didn't have that.

So that's good news for you. So he might, and since he referenced not feeling the chemistry or the spark or whatever the fuck, or whatever you call this intangible euphoric feeling that he was hoping to find, he might learn that could grow. But you don't grow it by pretending to be his girlfriend. Right. He spent time with you. You gave him some free sex.

It's time to stop. You got to cut it off. I know. I knew you were going some free sex. It's time to stop. You got to cut it off. I know. I knew you were going to say that. Listen, only if, it depends on what you want. I don't think you're in a position right now emotionally,

not that I'm doubting you, but it seems everything you've shared, that you would be playing games with yourself if you were, if you tried to convince yourself that you also wanted just sex with this guy yeah and you would be compromising those things and you would be you'd lose yourself in the situation ship by constantly feeling your is any part of you feel

like you hooked up with them had good sex did you feel just at least an ounce of rejection after it was over yeah oh yeah so every time you're gonna feel rejected every time yeah I get like a one day emotional hangover after I hook up with him and that's the rejection of knowing he was just like no no I don't want you I don don't like you. Yeah. Yeah. You're reminded of that conversation and it was, I think that I'm hooked on like what I thought was the potential of where it could go and who he told me he was in the very beginning and how I felt like who I felt he was in the beginning. Um, because to me I'm like, Oh, that person's in there somewhere who is that person

what do you mean like the way that he made me feel and just how he made me feel safe and supported um yeah because you felt like you you felt like you guys were going at the same pace but like i don't know this guy or anything about him right for sure quite frankly you don't know much either but just because he doesn't like you the way you liked him or at least he doesn't think he does doesn't mean he's a different person what's only the only thing that's different is your perceived interest his perceived interest in you so this whole like narrative of like I thought you were someone else like don't get wrapped up and you just need to focus as hard as it might be is he's not interested in giving me what I want.

Change the narrative into I'm not good enough for him into he's not willing to give me what I want. Because he does want you. Clearly. You know, he wants some of you. He's not willing to give you all of it and if you want to make yourself feel better you can then say yeah probably this probably this probably this guy is probably looking for something that doesn't exist but that's not your business or your problem but if you want to like remind yourself that it's not about me i'm not being rejected to make

yourself feel better and allow yourself to think to yourself and change the narrative of your head is he's not giving me what I want. He's giving me some of what I want. I want more. He's a nice guy, whatever, but I want more. So just expect more of yourself and that will help you. I mean, it's willpower. It's no different than whether you want to get in better shape or eat healthier or whatever it is. It's not easy to not eat the cookies. Sometimes it's just you have to challenge yourself and wanting to eat the cookies doesn't make the cookie healthy for you. Yeah. I think I recognize that it's not healthy for me. And I spend a lot of time convincing myself of that. And then when he reaches out, it's just like I throw everything out the window and I'm available. I think next

time he reaches out, you ignore him. I don't care how many times he texts you or calls you. And if he follows up the next day so he texts you one day hey what's up something maybe he's gonna get so comfortable like hey feel like some sex I don't know I don't whatever he does text you you just ignore it yeah I don't care how many times he's exes you the next day you never follow up if he texts you again as a follow-up to you ignoring him then you can say hey sorry I was busy don't explain anything just say you were busy and that's true because you were busy staring at your wall it doesn't matter whatever it was it was more important than getting back to him right and then if he's like oh okay well are

you free then you can say sorry just like, I'll be busy. And then if he really presses you, you're going to say like, that was a lot of fun, but I'm, you know, just not into that anymore. Make it, say it in a way that almost indirectly without being mean, makes it seem

like you're over the sex. You know what I'm saying? How can we say this? What's a clever way of being like... It's nothing special. It's okay. That was okay. Yeah.

It was okay. That's the meanest you get. And then if he presses you, then you say, listen, again, thanks for the walk but like I just want to respect but I'm good and do not if he

tries to come around just make sure he doesn't half ass it I honestly don't think he will come around like I don't when I really think about it I don't think that it's going to go there again okay I mean who knows that's good that your mindset is like that because it most likely won't right I've never go there again. Okay. I mean, who knows? That's good that your mindset is like that.

Yeah. Because it most likely won't. Right. I've never said it to anyone. He's definitely going to come around. Yeah. But, you will only be hurting yourself. Change his name to

not healthy. Not healthy. Yeah. Hang your phone. Toxic. Yeah. Just, I mean,

seriously, you need the reminder. Yeah. Poison. Doesn't give me what i want i don't know yeah no i will that'll be helpful not good enough for me all right uh thank you so much good luck all right thank you lovely to meet you. You too. Bye-bye. Take care. Bye. How's it going? Hi, how are you? My name is Sarah. I'm 27.

How can I help Sarah? Nice to see you. I have been in a relationship, a six-month relationship with my current boyfriend. He is 32. We're super happy. Everything has been going really well, minus a couple hiccups. And it's been a very healthy, mature relationship. I have a ton of love for one another. The only catch is that he is in the military. That was something that he disclosed to me immediately when we started dating last summer. And he has

new orders to move this summer in June. And again, he disclosed that straight away. And at the time, just because of his position in the military, the job that he has and the demand for it and his rank, he was very much under the impression that he was going to get the orders that he requested, which is in another very desirable, highly populated city with wonderful weather. Where we live now, also wonderful weather.

I've always wanted to live here. I moved here last summer. Met him within a couple months of moving here. But yeah, he did not get the orders that he anticipated. So the orders that he got, again, not going really to disclose the branch or where it is just for his privacy. But for you personally, you're not as excited. That's all that really matters in this scenario. Yes. I mean, so is he. He was absolutely devastated when he got the orders that he did. Completely blindsided, both of us.

And it's still in the United States, at least? Yes, it's in the United States. But yeah, again, where we live now is where we both, in the long run, prefer to settle down. Whether it's with each other or whether we're in each other's lives, whatever it is. When it comes to settling down and having children, where we are now is where we prefer. And so when we got the orders that we did, we were a little bit heartbroken. And so now we don't really know what to do moving forward. Is he in the military for life?

Is that like the career path he's chosen for himself? He is not in the military for life, no. That is not something he's interested in. How long is this deployment once it happens? Well, it's not a deployment. He's going to be living there for a few years. Three years. Yeah.

Three years. Okay. And you're like wondering what you should do? Yeah. I mean, I guess my question is, is it crazy to make this decision? Because I'm going to have to leave my job. I'm going to have to leave the industry that I work in. The industry doesn't exist where this teeny tiny town is. There's absolutely nothing

for me there. There's nothing for him there besides his job. Neither of us want to be there. How much flexibility does his job allow him to travel or take vacations? allow him to travel or take vacations or a little to none i mean he's gonna have to be in every single like five days a week but does he does get vacations and weekends yeah like yeah i mean he gets vacation i mean are you implying like doing distance and then yeah i mean i'm just looking at all the options for you right now you Right, no. I get it. How passionate are you about your career? This is one of those moments in your life that you really unexpectedly have to start

going through your priorities in life. It might be a good moment to check in with yourself. What I wanted for myself two years ago or five years ago, I might want differently. Like, do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? When do you want to have kids? How important is your career to you?

You know, some people, you know, will be like, I want to be a career person. I want to work up the corporate ladder. And their priorities change. It's like, yeah, it's not that money isn't important to me. Or I want to have kids. And as much as I like my job, honestly, I want to be a stay-at-home mom.

There's no bad answers. But this is kind of a time for you to try to evaluate that. Unfortunately, you have this kind of situation that runs the risk of you kind of lying to yourself of how you value certain things because you don't want to lose something else that you have. And yeah, I think it's a totally reasonable possibility that you don't immediately just move with him. Maybe you have the conversation to move. How long of a plane ride is it away from where you are now? Two and a half to three hours.

Okay. That's a doable plane ride. I'm not saying it's ideal, but three-hour plane ride is not an eight-hour plane ride. Correct. And those will add up. It's like one thing, I'm like, oh, you live in LA, you live in New York.

But like, oh my God, that's a journey. As opposed to... Yeah, I know know long distance is long distance but i'm just trying to look at everything so yeah no um distance was something um as soon as he got his orders to move here um he immediately was no to distance uh We've both been in long distance relationships before. And that's... Neither of us are really interested in something like that again. I get it. But again, priorities change.

Yeah. What we all agree on is this situation sucks. Sucks. Yeah. It's not going to not be sucky. You can't find a solution that still doesn't suck, right? Oh, for sure. Yeah, no.

And I think we all agree that a three-year long-distance relationship isn't feasible. But it's a lot for you to ask to quit your job and move to a place where there's literally nothing but him. And he's going to be working a lot. Yes. So I don't care who you love or how great they are. That's just a lot to ask for someone. It's a ginormous sacrifice.

Yes. And I don't, I mean, shit, I don't know like what kind of non-negotiables he has about long distance, but if I'm moving to the middle of fucking nowhere, I might not,

you know, I might be a little bit more like chilled out about like, I don't do long distance anymore because it's not like he's going to be meeting anyone. Not going to find a lot of yous there. Yeah, no, that's something he's worried about

just with where he's been located in the past and then this next assignment. Are you considering moving there? I am. You can always move back too. And I could always move back. How old are you?

I'm 27. So I'll be 28 by the time this move happens. And you'll be 31 when it's over. It's not that long. I know it sounds really long. It sounds long. And I'm not saying it won't be hard. But let's say you move and you break up halfway through.

If he doesn't get reassigned, you can still invest all your energy into this guy. Have it not work out and feel like you gave three years of your life to this guy you're no longer with and be 30 years old and feel like you're starting over. Right. Without over. Right. Without moving.

Right. Correct. There's a bunch of people call it in or break it up and be like, I gave you five years and now I'm starting over and I'm 31 or 32 or whatever. Right. And they didn't have to move to the middle of nowhere to make a relationship work. Correct. That's just a mindset.

Yeah, I get that. That's something that I'm afraid of, even though i shouldn't look at it that way i know so like how do you see yourself marrying this guy that's what i was getting ready to ask you um well obviously my first question was is it insane to have all of this figured out in 11 months but uh my second question for you was, when he first got his orders last fall for this next assignment, he was kind of panicking in terms of,

well, one, he's going to be in the middle of nowhere. He's going to be miserable for three years. And two, what it means for us. And if that means breaking up, if that's an engagement, if it's something in between. Both of those, from where I sit, breaking up or getting engaged sounds insane.

Oh, for sure. It sounds extremely insane. Don't do it. Don't break up and don't get engaged just because there are definitely many other options at first. You don't get engaged because he got sent. What is an engagement going to do?

What is that going to do for you? I know the logic is, I need to know you're serious about me. Right, it's a financial commitment when I'm already sacrificing everything else in my life. Yeah, but engagement's not going to change that. You're going to be engaged

and I don't know. And honestly, a marriage is like... It doesn't work out. The cost... I mean, how much security... He's in the military. It's not like he's... He makes good money.

Good money? Fuck you money? Oh no, absolutely not. Well, here's the thing. You would have to quit your job. Oh, for sure, yeah. But I think to make this work, you guys have to think

outside of the box. You have to be practical. You have to maybe have conversations that sound really unromantic because like you're trying to get security and that makes sense because like you might have to quit your job and move but like getting engaged and married is not I don't know

forcing that it's an added pressure it takes away that moment that maybe you guys will eventually want down the road and want to feel like romantic and like it means something you know and I certainly down the road and want to feel like romantic and like it means something. You know, and I certainly get the security aspect, but like marriage can be another thing. I mean, I guess what I'm suggesting is,

like, I don't know the landscape at all. Like if you move, like, is it just, you're not going to find a job? Yeah, that's probably what it would look like. I would have to do something completely remote, leave the industry that I work in. All right. So maybe you could find something remote. There's that option. But until then, what security is he going to give you? You're moving for this guy. It sounds a little unsexy, but is he going to pay you? I mean, seriously. You don't have to

get married or engaged for him to be like, listen, uh this sounds nuts but i'm moving for my job i have to and i don't want us to break up i don't also want like i don't want us to get gauged because of this and i don't want i don't want to lose you but if you are willing to come i recognize that you have to quit your job and i recognize not only difficult your job it's going to be hard for you to find another job. Yeah. So like, I need to provide this. I need to give you something. So whatever that is.

Yeah, I have no idea. Is he willing to have those kind of conversations? Oh, for sure. Yeah. I think the biggest thing is you need to know how flexible he's willing to be. How outside of the box is he willing to get? Because that to me would be a barometer of you guys making this work. Because a lot of people in this position will have these non-negotiables. Well, I don't do long distance. I guess we should get engaged then.

That shit is insane to be so drastic. And I have no idea what people listening are thinking about me suggesting like your boyfriend, like gives you some sort of like monthly salary while you can't find a job pre-negotiating before he moves. You're laughing, but like, that to me sounds a lot less insane than you getting engaged or married or picking up your life for no reason or breaking up with someone that you love. But you're just not. That sounds more insane to me. Okay, that's fair. Every relationship, problems happen.

And to make them work, you guys have to think outside the box, not because what other people think you should do or is it as romantic or is it like, you know, know you protect the unit you guys are a relationship and like how are we going to make this work and i'm not saying that is the solution but that is could be a solution that is easy to get out of you know you break up i mean it you might even want to get a lawyer it sounds unromantic, but a lawyer helps prevent future fights and arguments because if that's something you guys do, because engagement gives you no financial security.

Correct. And if you guys eloped and got married, that would be crazy. That's what I think. I've had a few people mention that, and that's insane to me. And you would own half his wealth. I mean, if he's making way more than you,

and to me, I'd rather be like, all right, listen, I'm not going to give you half of my wealth just if you want you to move. I love you, but I don't know where you are. I don't know where things are going to go. You could leave me. You could come. If I'm him, you elope, you move move, I love you, but I don't know where you are. I don't know where things are going to go. You could leave me. You could come. If I'm him, you elope.

You move in the middle of nowhere. Four months in, you're like, I'm sorry. I can't do it. I just, I can't live this way. And that would be a reasonable thing that you might happen. And then all of a sudden, he's married to you and you could take half. That's insane.

So negotiating some sort of thing that's outside of the box and not normal and it's not sexy. Absolutely. It seems a lot more easy to get out of. If you break up, he stops paying you. You move, he doesn't owe you anything else. It's because

he's asking you to quit your job. Yeah, job, friends, family. Call it whatever. It's not that he's just giving you money. It's a really unconventional solution, I get it. But this is an unconventional problem. I was going to say none of this is conventional.

The only thing I feel strongly about is eloping would be insane and breaking up. No, I'm not considering that. And breaking up, I mean, it sounds like there's a lot of good there. And just breaking up while you guys still care about each other. You might eventually

break up, but it may not be as bad as you worry about. I don't know. Who knows? Yeah, we have no idea. You have no idea. You also have the disappointment of thinking it was going to be this

and then it's that. It probably sounds way fucking worse than what you were expecting. Maybe you go and it's all right. Because if he ends up being your guy guy it'll be worth it it'll just be a short three years i mean fuck you need to stop saying short well i don't know we've been in a pandemic for two fucking years half the world's like living inside whether you live in the middle of nowhere another three another solution how much are we going to prioritize like taking many vacations and traveling what's the closest city to you guys?

Yeah. There's an extremely large city within three hours, maybe. Okay. Yeah. Literally every other weekend, you guys could go there and get a hotel room and go to shows or whatever. It doesn't have to be three years of you living under a rock. And we've discussed, both of our parents live here

where we're currently located. And we've discussed at least once a month flying back. Yeah. Make no mistake. It will be a challenge and it won't be convenient. And it's a crappy situation. But if he's worth it, if you're worth it to him, you guys can make it work. That doesn't include you guys breaking up or you getting engaged or married. Right. No. Yeah, eloping is off the cards for me. And you're in a committed relationship.

So regardless of where you live, you are investing a great deal of your personal life in this person. Yeah. And that's a risk you're taking. Everyone takes a risk when they're in a committed relationship so right you know if if it doesn't work out you don't need to go down this rabbit hole of like i shouldn't have done that like no regrets right like you

whatever so you're also dealing with a lot of disappointment of it like just the surprise of it happening right yeah no we were very taken aback by all of it and not the news we were expecting but i would want if i were in your shoes all i would really want to know from my partner is some version of i don't know how we're going to do this i do know i really love you and i really like i see myself marrying you. And, yeah, we, we agree that that's where we need to be at by the time the move happens. So, I'm willing to think outside of the box for all,

you know, like this could end up being like an amazing thing. You know, you guys could get closer. I have no doubt about that. You could find a job from home that you make a bank on that you can do anywhere. And then it's a win-win. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, and I don't think it's nuts for him to get settled in and like you move a month or two later. We've discussed that as well. Um, him going out first and then, uh,

me staying here, uh, until, you know, I find some work, um, and see how things go. But see,

see how you feel alone. Assess how you miss each other. I don't know how I feel about that. But time will tell. The only reason you would be nervous about that is because you have some sort of insecurity about something happening. Right. What a good time to face that insecurity before you move or quit a job. Maybe it is an insecurity of the relationship failing.

If you can't survive six months of long distance, then I don't know if you're going to survive this at all. Yeah, no, I think he's already just had some work trips already with the military. Luckily, I've been fortunate enough to visit him on one of them. But yeah, we've already had to spend some time apart. So I think any additional time to that would be even more helpful.

Do you at least miss each other? Do you get excited to see him? Oh, for sure. Absolutely. There's a benefit in that. It sucks, but it also... The shitty part about relationships and living with each other and being with each other all the time,

it's harder to miss someone. And sometimes it's fun to miss the person you love. Oh, yeah. No, I totally get that. I'm just trying to find the good here. I'm trying to find the silver lining. It'll be difficult. But yeah. All right. luck well thank you i appreciate it i think you guys can get through this if it's if uh if you want it to yeah no i think we both want it too but time

will tell all right all right we'll take care thank you very much all right bye-bye thanks for listening don't forget to send in your questions at ask nick at castme.com Bye-bye.