The Viall Files - E409 Ask Nick - He Couldn’t Perform Because I’m A Virgin

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we dive into our first caller’s situation where she, for no particular reason, is still a virgin. Now wanting to lose it with her boyfriend, she worries when her boyfriend struggles to perform because of the built up pressure. Does the first time still have to be special? And how can they make the first time memorable but also fun? Our next caller struggles when her guy gets a promotion at work. With his new role and responsibilities, he’s become consumed by stress, having it seep into every aspect of their lives. Now she feels confused when it seems that everything was perfect until he got stressed. Our last caller is living with Herpes and feels comfortable explaining her situation to dates and is equipped with the proper talking points. However, our caller feels that when her dates understand, that a power dynamic is created. How can our caller balance being selective while having to explain living with Herpes to her dates? “Just because this relationship was better, doesn’t mean you lost the one.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ShipStation: Go to http://wwww.ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in VIALL to get a 60-day free trial. ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Storyworth: Get started right away with no shipping required by going to http://www.StoryWorth.com/VIALL  Blenders Eyewear: To score 15% off your Blenders purchase, visit http://www.BlendersEyewear.com and enter promo code VIALLVIP.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, we've got a secret. This podcast is supported by Apples Never Fall, a chilling new mystery series from the author of Big Little Lies, starring Annette Bening, Sam Neill, Jake Lacey, and Alison Brie. It's sure to get people talking. What dark secrets lurk in this family? Tune in on March 21st to find out. Apples Never Fall, exclusively on W Network and Stack TV. What's going on, everybody?

Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. We have a great episode for you today. Very excited about our episode because it's awesome. Also, I just feel like maybe, you know, we've had some new audience members. It's nice to have you guys. We really appreciate you, the fact that you like the show. The show's growing. We're doing exciting things. I'm so happy you guys seem to be enjoying the show. I don't probably say that enough, but you've really become my whole life.

Nick loves you guys. I do. He does. He really cares. I have a hard time. I'm shocked. No, I'm excited that you guys are excited so thanks i guess um that sounded so passive aggressive i'm excited you're excited so thanks i guess i'm awkward and weird that's how you know there's real heart and feeling there. Thanks for listening. Happy you're here.

I'm so weird. We have a great week for you. We will be discussing more of the Ultimatum this week, obviously. Colby and Madeline will be with us on Wednesday for our Going Deeper episode. That I can tell

you now. And lots to talk about with them. also we're trying to get another cast member for tomorrow's episode either way we'll definitely be breaking it all down on Tuesday either with one of the cast mates or someone who's willing to talk shit one of the two. So be sure to tune in for the rest of the week for our episodes which I think you'll enjoy. We have an update. First of all, do you ladies have any updates on your lives?

Do you want to share? I think I just like, I don't think I've ever dated someone who's been as extroverted as me or who like acts on extroversion as much. And it was, yeah, he's super friendly, like super good energy, super present, like really easy to just like instantly kind of like connect with.

And it was funny because we went to, I brought him to like a party that my friend hosted, which was so fun. It was like one of the best house parties I've been to. Cause like, you know how we were saying on the Chloe Cherry episode, sometimes you get in those social situations where it's kind of like standoffish and it's like oh are people going to be weird everybody was so warm but even though we went to this party together like we maybe like like we played a game of beer pong together but we were like almost separate the entire night because we just kept like meeting people and each kind of being super

socially sufficient and it was just like fascinating to me I was like wow I don't think I've ever and it was just like fascinating to me. I was like, wow, I don't think I've ever. This is the first person you've dated that it seems to me that, don't take this the wrong way. Great start. What a weird laugh. Maniacal.

But you seem in less control and actually in a good way. I think that's good for you. Yeah, I feel like genuinely scared. Like I think before I would feel. I i feel like genuinely scared like i think before i would you like him a lot i don't even i i do like him so far like i do like him a lot so far like yeah i don't know um but no no i don't care you listen no i'm just like i'm even like yeah i like him somewhat me cut to me i had a terrible nightmare sunday night and i was like I had a terrible nightmare Sunday night. And in the middle of the night, I was like, I had a bad dream.

And he was like still asleep, like puts his arm around me. Whatever. I just meant that like when I say scared, it's because I'm realizing like how much fear of intimacy I have. Well, and that's what I mean. Like you're not in control. It's like there's a level of vulnerability you seem to be willing to have. Totally. Or like I don't know that I've actually followed through on having it but i think i'm realizing that it

needs to exist i've started it like with new girl i think you liked the idea of being vulnerable well with new girl i don't think it well i i don't mean talking about feelings i mean like yeah i don't think it necessitated it that much because I felt so instantly comfortable with her. And I feel like we accessed a kind of closeness or intimacy that felt just very natural and didn't require the same kind of vulnerability. For some reason, this situation, I don't know if it's just the pace at which it's moving.

I'm sure you and New Girl talked about stuff and opened up. I mean, around you're around him. There's a sense of vulnerability that you feel. And that is, I think, for you. It's so scary. I hate it. I'm so scared. Nick just always assumes I have nothing.

No, no. That's not fair. No, no, no. It goes like this just no he was looking to you you well i i did i know i did that then but you're the one who's always like nope yeah i feel like i feel like like i when the punctuation of like my like relationship story or dating stories ali would be like and i had seven margaritas maybe i did i love a good margarita no i love it i feel like you're very you own it though yeah fuck yeah i feel like you embrace it you're proud to say it and it's relatable

sorry i like tequila um it's the only thing that cuddles me after a bad dream i went to some birthday parties over the weekend. Interesting enough, met a person for the first time and they were like, you have a great voice. You should do like a podcast or a radio host or something. That was interesting. What'd you say? It was in the middle of an entire group and everyone heard it.

And then the birthday boy was like, she is on a podcast. I work on one of the bigger podcasts in the country. The birthday boy has always said that I needed to meet his best man because he thought we would hit it off. And? His best man was like the most perfect person ever. Did you say that or you confirmed it? Well, the birthday boy was like, I think

he would hit it off with my best man. Met the best man. I was like, this is a perfect specimen of a man. Allie's saying he's perfect. He lives in Denver. Oh, God. And I told that to my mom and she was like you should just start collecting long distance boyfriends so you have one in every city yeah it's like you know that okay he lives in denver but like so what did you hit it off did you exchange numbers or were you like you live in denver bye honestly like we chit chatted i will

say kiki snuggled with him majority of the party and she doesn't like men kiki don't like men he brought his dog his dog's name is kira it you know everything felt like it was working um he he accidentally i think liked sense to you or any of our ethnic callers but my dog likes him is not anything i know it doesn't mean anything i just thought it was cute okay i just thought it was cute he likes my dog so i don't know like what does it all mean oh my god i wasn't asking. I think he accidentally liked one of my Instagram photos at two thirty in the morning. So then I just like sent him a follow request. Oh, you're in.

Oh, hell yeah. And we might hang out on Easter. What do you mean accidentally? Was it deep in the grid? You're dumbing it down. He liked one of your Instagram posts. He liked one of my Instagram photos at like two thirty in the morning. Which one was it?

Like, was it a recent one? When I was on 2020. So it was a while back. Oh, I don't of my Instagram photos at like 2.30 in the morning. Which one was it? Like, was it a recent one? When I was on 2020. That's... So it was a while back. Oh, I don't post on Instagram. So it was like my third last one. Wait, third, like third most recent? He still was looking.

He was looking. He still was looking. Yeah. And once you like a photo once, you don't make that mistake twice in the same session. So you know he kept going. And he was probably more cautious of double tapping. Who knows? Who knows?

I don't know. I asked the birthday boy if he wanted to hang out on Easter, and he said sure. So I was like, well, maybe the best man can come, and the three of us will hang out. So there was no... There was no exchange of anything. Was there certainly flirtatious vibes? I don't know we did sing a karaoke duet together yes um and the birthday boy's wife said but how'd that happen walk me

through birthday boy was like you both have the best voices you have to sing this together what song did you do shallow you're like i'm in the deep did it feel did it feel flirty and vibey when you're doing it or i mean we were like literally made you do it together you're like i'm in the deep did it feel hot did it feel flirty and vibey when you're doing it i mean we were like literally made you do it together you know like you guys do this i i mean we weren't even like staring at each other when we did it we just high-fived at the end i'm picturing the ella enchanted uh scene oh my god it's like 70 to love where it's like really it's a real catalyst for closeness yeah so we'll see. We have an update. Does everyone remember the caller whose birthday it was

and they were going on a trip and it kept getting more and more expensive and she said, I'm so sorry, please keep the money for the wine tasting, but I will need the rest of my money back because we can no longer go. Her sister was the rich, like the snob. Second home.

And the sister was like, it's just money. You can make more. Why don't you care about my birthday? And and the sister was like it's just money you can make more why don't you care about my birthday and then her sister was like trying to like hey we can do this but we can't do that and their sister was not yeah okay i remember and then she was like shit talking with her other sister 393 you want to go back and listen episode 393 and you called her like a birthday zilla feel like it was the hymns at church you know turn the page hymn number 700 the summons number 700 you may be seated on eagle's wings let's freaking go okay update hi so i have an update quite a few things happened after our call that involved my sister being an asshole i never spoke to her like

nick suggested before the party i just went to the birthday party, had fun and left. It was mostly drama free. Then I found out my sister was lying to her friends about what happened and making me look like an asshole. Then she made a comment in a group text about my finances and student loans and how I should have prepared better and totally unprovoked.

I said nothing to initiate that. After that, I finally reached the point where I felt like I was starting to really resent her and had to say something to her after not speaking to her for a month after her birthday party. She called me to see how I was doing. And I told her I wanted to talk to her about something. I called her out and said, it's not okay for her to treat me like this. It was going pretty horribly. And she was denying everything and turning things around. She finally said, I never said that and called her friend who she told lied to about me to confirm her story. I don't know.

Keep going. Unfortunately for her, her friend was on my side and told my sister she was in the wrong. She also kind of mediated our fight until we got to a good place, and my sister apologized, and I empathized with her feelings, and I thought we were okay, and then something happened last night. I should mention I got mad and told her she needed to listen to this podcast during our confrontation on the phone. So what happened was her friend who mediated called me last night,

said my sister brought up the podcast to her last night and was saying it was one sided. Her friend was disagreeing with her. So my sister called my mom in the room and was like, mom, if blank had to choose between doing something important for herself or someone else, what would she choose? I guess my mom said something for herself. And my sister was vindicated and said, see, even her own mom thinks she's selfish. There was a lot of stuff her friend told me that my sister said. But the part about my mom calling me selfish was the only part that really hurt my feelings. said, but the part about my mom calling me selfish was the only part that really hurt my feelings.

I'm upset, but I feel like my sister has been so crazy and attempting to pick fights with me, and I don't want to give in and give her what she wants. I also don't want to tell her that her friend told me what she said about me and throw her friend under the bus who is sticking up for me. I'm feeling a little deflated, but I'm just going to keep sticking to my boundaries and have more of a superficial relationship with my sister who i feel like i can't trust thinks the worst of me and wants everyone around her to think the worst of me too which so she hasn't confronted her sister yet she did over the phone and then they called the friend and the friend mediated and actually took the caller side not the sister's side even though the sister brought her into the ring thinking that she would defend the sister get mediated here let's settle this on mediation. But now the mom's getting involved.

Let's settle this on mediation. Please, if you're listening, we would love. And bring your mom, maybe. Well, no, see, no disrespect to mothers out there. This is a weird way to start a sentence. Moms, like, they're the mom of two kids. It's tough. Like, you know, it's hard for them to

try to take sides because moms are so good at being empathetic and like seeing everyone's side that like when someone is in the wrong like it's just harder i think it's getting mom to mediate can be very complicated but mom wasn't mediating mom was asked a question do you think my younger sister would do something for herself or something for someone else and the mom said for herself i'm not following so like it would be like your brother going to your mom and saying hey mom hypothetical question do you think if presented with two options nick would choose something and like help himself or help someone else first and your mom would say oh yeah nick would help himself okay but that's a stupid

no offense that was a silly question it's a loaded question for your mom to like without like and then it would be like your brother going around saying see even our mom thinks nick is selfish and so yeah the sister like you did something like of course like put on your mask before assisting others yeah it's like it's such it it's like, it's a question that's only going to create more conflict, would be my response. Like, you're definitely not doing any favors to resolve tension by asking a question like that. And it was the sister who's, like, continually tried to, like, stir the shit who asked that question. Sure. But I don't think our caller has really tried to sit down with her sister.

She mentioned that she didn't take the advice to address it. She showed up and there's clearly this tension. I bet her sister feels this tension too. And now it's, it's a, she said, she said situation and now it's creating the animosity. And now what it sounds like to me is now all they're interested in doing, including our caller, and I could be hearing you wrong, is trying to like get the, they're trying to have people take their side. They want the vile trials. They're deciding who's right based on who will take their side. Friends, parents. Yeah, they're enlisting all these other people.

It's getting catty. And like you need to sit down and like, so dear caller, if you're not going to come on mediation, get your sister to do it. And if you're not, here's what, here's my advice. You just, as Justin Long would say,

lead with love. You got to take your pride out of it. You got to take your hurt out of it. And then you just got to say, listen, I love you. And whatever we're going through, I would like us to not have this conflict in our relationship.

And I'd love to figure out a way we can sit down and have a conversation face to face to do this and not in bringing in friends and family and getting a bunch of opinions. Yeah. And if you are going to get a mediation, either pick a random podcast host like me or like a third party in all seriousness, like a third party person who doesn't know you and you can't ask questions about shit like that, it's not so unproductive. It sounds like a fight that happened on the ultimatum. Get your sister to do a mediation call with us. That'd be amazing. Online shopping isn't slowing down anytime soon.

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available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. My name is Sam. I'm 24. How can I help Sam? So it's a, it's a very long story. I'll give you the, um, the short version. You actually, uh, reminded me, I was having this dilemma on your Bachelor Recap podcast when you were talking about Teddy and Clayton on their one-on-one.

So I thought it was interesting. You were like, Teddy was like, oh, it's not a big deal that I'm a virgin. And Clayton was like, it's a huge deal that she's a virgin. And you were like, I don't know, you said something, you were like, oh, I wonder how it feels to like be in a situation like this or something. So I, I am a virgin. So yes. Yeah. I'm like Teddy. I related with her pretty, pretty well. Same age, same situation. Like I'm not religious. I was just waiting for like to be in love with the right person. Um, so I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now, decided it was, you know, a good time. Uh, so I told him, I was like, Oh, I feel like I'm ready. And he was kind of like, he's not a virgin. He was kind of like, this is like such a big deal for you and i was like what like no

yeah yeah we did long distance for a little bit so it's not like we're like with each other all the time how old's your boyfriend um he's my well he's 25 okay so yes he's so sweet when you first started when you first started dating obviously it came up up. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, I mean, we do other things. Uh, we just haven't had like, you know, actual sex yet. Uh, he was cool with it. He, I don't think he really knew. Uh, I didn't even know like what I was waiting for necessarily. I just knew that it would like feel right. Um, in the beginning I thought like, Oh, I just want to be in love. And then like, uh, I think like six months in, I told him I loved him, but like, I still wasn't totally ready. I was like, I just like, need more time to like, you know, this love needs to withstand like the test of time. So

we did long distance and everything was great. So he moved back near me now. And I just thought it would be like a good time. so I told him that I was ready but he had some performance issues when I told him that I guess I uh worked it up for the past two years to be like this big moment he was like uh not really able to perform so I was like that's fine but like the pause did he tell you this or like you found out and he was like like did you guys attempt to have sex yeah yeah we tried um but it was just like i think he when i told we we were like making out and i was like oh like i i feel like ready and he was like oh like i'm like are you sure like i'm i i don't think he was like expecting it. Cause it's been two years where like, I haven't obviously said anything. So I think I like really, um, threw him for a curveball

and he was like, he was like, are you like really sure? And I was like, yeah, like what, why not? Like I'm, I was like relaxed and ready, but I think I put like so much pressure for him. and ready, but I think I put like so much pressure for him. So, um, he like instantly, I guess like he was so nervous, like the mood was like instantly killed. Um, I could tell he was like embarrassed. I was like, Oh, like, don't be worried. But like the ball's in your court now. Like, I want you to know that like, I'm ready. Like whenever you feel right. So, um, we've been intimate like twice since that happened and like, it never progressed to like, uh, sex yet. So I was just wondering, like, I mean, I'm not like demanding it. I'm not like, Oh, why won't you have sex with me? But, um, I, I, I guess I just was always like media. You hear how like the guys,

like they'll just like jump when you say like that you're ready and i i guess i wasn't like expecting this uh response so well i mean you're you're dating a guy who and good for him i mean but like when you're when you date i think most people nowadays in their 20, if, especially if they've lost their virginity, being in a relationship and waiting is not always easy to do. And a lot of people aren't interested in doing that. So they move on, you know, like you're, he's 25 or 24. I lost my virginity in high school. And then I met my first girlfriend, right. And she was a virgin. And so we waited a year and a half, you know, like, so I was, I wasn't a virgin, but like she, she was. And at that point I was so inexperienced. I was like,

yeah, of course. Like, I don't even feel like I, you know, like I had sex, but like technically I did, you know, but like, you know what I'm saying? He's a little older now, but you clearly found a guy who is clearly very respectful of, you know, you and your needs. And it wasn't, it doesn't seem like it was a big deal for him to wait. Like it didn't seem like he was pressuring at all in those two years that you guys weren't having sex. Correct. You know, like he, um, we, we would talk about it, um, like throughout, um, I kind of only share it with like the person that

I'm dating, like as far as my friends and like, uh, close friends and family go, like, as far as they're concerned, like it's none of their business. So I try not to make it too much of like my, I feel like virgins can sometimes like make it their personality that like the virgins. So, um, I try to just share it with like the person that I'm with. And, uh, you know, I felt like my needs were like being met and, you know, other things that we were doing. So it didn't seem like a huge like deal to me to take the next step like so early. But, yeah, he's always been like on board with whenever I just like I guess maybe I could have been more vocal with him about like, when I'd be ready. Cause I think I like totally caught him like off guard. Like,

I don't know if he thought I was waiting to like an engagement or marriage or like, you know what, but, um, now I just don't know what to do. Cause now I feel like every time we're like intimate, I'm like expecting, expecting it it to go further and i don't want to put pressure on like either of our ends but i feel like i don't think you need to stress out about it i mean it sounds like he's definitely um self-conscious about taking your virginity and i think there is a lot of like um social, social stigmas around it. And, you know, like that episode with, with the Teddy and Clayton's a perfect example of like, you know, like as a guy, we, you know, we always hear how, how many shitty guys are, are out there. And so there's a lot of guys who

don't want to be that guy. Right. And so you want to make sure you're being very respectful. You've obviously have waited for the right moment and the right time and the right, not even the right guy, but the right type of love. Right. And so there is, you know, I think a built in kind of hesitation of, of uncertainty that he has maybe about the future or his life. I don't know how much you guys talk about like getting engaged or married or things like that, but it's like, what if this doesn't work out? Is she going to, is she going to regret it? I don't want to, I don't want to

be responsible for that type of, of burden. You know, like I just, you know, it's like, I just want to have sex. I don't know if I want to be the person, like, I don't like I just, you know, it's like, I just want to have sex. I don't know if I want to be the person, like, I don't, I don't know if I can, you know, it's like you've built up and at least communicated to him on some level that you don't want, you don't want sex or your first time having sex or sex at all to be your first time having sex or sex at all to be a waste almost and so it's almost like it sounds like indirectly maybe what you didn't intend to intend this that like having sex with you is the like getting married or like a wedding in a way, you know what I'm saying? Because it's like, he wants to respect what it means to you is my guess. And so there's a lot of anxiety. Now, rationally, he knows that's not what you're asking. You know what I'm saying? Like he knows

that. Uh, but I think, you know, uh, subconsciously, at least that's what his dick thinks. Yeah. I don't know, man, are we ready to get married? And I don't know. He's like, well, you know what? I'll help us both out. I'm just not going to work. And I think all you can do if you're comfortable with it is I think you need it if you really want to have sex. And if this is your guy, as far as just the sex goes, I think you need to if you really want to have sex and if this is your guy as far as just the sex goes I think you kind of have to take the reins here I think you really need to like you know I don't want to pressure him but just say like listen I whenever you're ready I really like you said balls in your court and and be patient with him and like the fact that is it's not working

the dick's not working right now is definitely anxiety. And that can happen to anyone. There's definitely nothing wrong with them. It's nothing for him to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Like nothing will make a dick go soft more than anxiety. Uh, it is, it really is a guy you're just like, what is wrong with me? And it's just like, when you feel stressed out, like it, it just, it goes away. Um, and so whatever you can do to just, you know, make it more like, I just make it about the passion, make it about like, I'm just turned on to, you know, try to make it about the sex, I guess, you know, try to make it, if you're okay with it a little less for even romantic, you know, like if this is a guy that you trust and love and that you expect to

keep dating him, I don't know if everyone's going to agree with me, but like there, there could be a time for like the candles and the romance and the rose petals. And maybe that's not your first time because all that is going to do is just make the moment feel that much more intense and special. And like, that's, that's, that's what you're both seem to trying to avoid. Like you just, I think you kind of almost need to just do it. That's what I was trying to, yeah. That's what I thought. But now I don't know if he's like waiting for like the right moment or like we're supposed to go on this like European trip in like a month and a half.

So I'm like, I don't know if he's like waiting for like something. He's your boyfriend for two years. Go on a watch the sunset in the car and do it in the backseat of a car where it's kind of awkward and uncomfortable. But you're just like, it's, you're kind of caught up in the moment, you know, like kind of throw yourself at them. I honestly like get you guys get each other kind of super turned on. I don't know. Hot tub. I don't know. Something that kind of just gets the blood flowing and this makes you guys just kind of want each other and just, just do it. StoryWorth, make those memories last a lifetime.

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And honestly, maybe a conversation like that might make him a little less stressed because I, I don't think, I don't think you should even read into it and be like, Oh, does that mean he's, he's, he's worried about breaking up with me?

I think he's just really wants to respect what it means to you. And it's, it is a lot of pressure. Um, especially if, you know, he cares about you and he doesn't want you to be disappointed or regret it. And it's, and it's you just letting him know, listen, whatever happens between us in the future, all I know is I want to have sex with you. Don't even say I want you to be my first.

I just want to have sex with you. It's now for me too because i feel like now every time um since there's been like two times after we're like nothing kind of escalated now i feel like every time uh like it's in my mind like is he gonna like make a move so i never wanted to like have to be the one to make a move and i don't want to like keep talking about it to like have it be this like weird plan thing we're like okay okay on Saturday night we're gonna do it because like I never pictured it being like that but yeah I never um pictured like telling my boyfriend that like I was ready and then like a month going by and like still like waiting I guess like I always thought like whenever I said I was ready, they would just like,

like snap like that. But yeah, the expectation. This is the same guy who didn't really pressure you for two years, who was comfortable with waiting. And he, to do that, he kind of took a very passive and respectful approach to the like physical intimacy that you guys had. So he's kind of in that state of mind. Yeah. I don't think, I don't think it's a, I think you, I think you should, you know, take the reins. I think you really should instigate it. I think you should like start making out of them and literally put it in. I don't know what else to say. Um, and just, yeah, make it kind of a hot moment because imagine like, you know,

here you are the virgin you waited and the respectful guy, it's like, okay, are you ready? Are you okay? Are you comfortable? You know, we, so many men don't check in and aren't present that the ones that you do, like he's going to, he's going to want to be that good guy and he's going to kind of overdo it because he's going to want to make sure you're okay. And I think you just have to let him know that you are okay by showing him like, I just want to do this. Let's do it. As long as he's okay with it and you have his consent, you, you, you know what I'm saying? Like, you're just saying we're doing this and I want this. I want you. I feel bad for like almost the situation that

I put him in. I mean, obviously like I wasn't ready, so I can't like, you know, I hate myself for that, but like, would it have been easier if like when we met, like the first time we were doing things, like it probably like would have been such an irrelevant question for you to ask yourself. It doesn't matter. I'm fairly confident that once you guys are able to finally have sex, you'll have a bunch of sex. It'll be great. You'll have it all the time. And you will laugh with each other about how much stress you put on one another.

You just will. I hope so. I'm confident. Our society puts a lot of pressure and stigma and shame around sex. And when we build it up, we, we want to be special and I get why, but, and I'm not saying it shouldn't be special, but you know, unless you have some sort of like strong religious beliefs around it, it's, you'll realize that while it is special it doesn't have to be put on this pedestal and you can just kind of have sex with your partner and enjoy it and and you guys will go nuts on your trip i i definitely do it before your trip so you can have a bunch of sex on the

trip you know and it can not be awkward and weird and you guys can enjoy each other. But yeah, definitely. I thought it was funny when I was watching the bachelor and then listening to your podcast. And, uh, I just like loved Clayton's reaction when she was like, it's not a big deal. And he was like, this is a big deal for her. I was like, I feel like that's like my life right now. And I finally spent like 24 years like accepting uh and then he's like are you sure like this is huge and I'm like it's not it's not anymore yeah he's he just wants to be a good respectful guy and he just he doesn't and I think there's a part of him is worried about like disappointing you or if it doesn't work out if it's going to be something you're going to regret

and let you know it doesn't sound like you will it's going to be something you're going to regret and let it, you know, it doesn't sound like you will. It sounds like you have a very level-headed approach about this. Sure. You wanted it to be special. You found the right guy. You recognize that who knows what's going to happen in the future, but you're ready. I'm going to see him on Saturday.

Do I like say anything leading up to it? Do I just like see like what happened Saturday I would start making out with them when you guys get physical like you normally do I think you should try to have sex with them and you know check in make sure he's comfortable with it but like you know embrace the moment get all, do things that get him aroused and then just take the next step. You know, it's like, don't, don't, don't let enough time go to psych yourself out, you know, just jump in, so to speak, you know, just don't,

don't think about how cold the water is going to be. Just jump in and you'll be fine, you know? And I think that's, that's probably the best way. And if it does come up, if let's say he calls you today and says, um, and I think that's, that's probably the best way. And if it does come up, if let's say he calls you today and says, Hey, I want to talk about the past couple of times. I think you should let him know that this is something you want to do for yourself. I want to have sex. It's not about you being the, I mean, listen, I'm glad you are my first. I like you. It's not about you. It's about the fact that I am ready and I want to have sex with you. So like, let's go, you know? Um, and kind of try to downplay this. Like,

I think he's worried about him being the one, you know, like you want to have sex. He just happens to be the guy you're willing to have sex with, you know, just kind of make it about that. Take the pressure off. Yeah, that's good. Well, wish me luck. I think you guys are going to be just fine. Once you guys have it, you will certainly laugh about

how much pressure you guys put on one another. Yeah, I hope so. Just world, yeah. I'll be shocked if I'm not right about this. All right, take care. Thanks. All'll be shocked if I'm not right about this. All right. Take care. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I am Annie. How old are you, Annie? I'm 29.

How can I help? Well, I guess it's been two months now, but went through a breakup. We dated about a year and it was probably the best relationship I've ever been in. And prior to that, I was in a five-year relationship. And the last year with the guy that I just recently dated blew that relationship out of the park. I felt like I've never been so compatible with someone. We actually met on Hinge back in December of 2020. And he wasn't even living in Florida yet where I live. And he kind of was he was living in New York City, his company was relocating. And he just said, I put my location as Florida because I didn't

think it would be fair to continue to meet women knowing I'm leaving. And so it was nice because we just kind of got to talk for a month before the pressure of meeting in person or anything. And we got to do like a FaceTime call. And then finally, January of last year, we met in person, went on our first date when he moved here. And it was great. Like from that point on, we were kind of together again. I've never been in a relationship that was just so easy. We got along, his family was wonderful. The, his like the people he introduced me were great. We kind of integrated our lives really well. He actually moved into the building directly across the street from me. So we were able to spend a lot of time together and he works in sales. So he kind of forewarned me that Q4 in his industry, he gets super stressed out. And just the month of November is kind of a hard month for him. And his like sole focus is

work. I was like, that's fine. Like it'll happen. And so around Halloween, he, his manager kind of approached him and was like, if you hit all of your sales goals to the end of the year, you're going to be the first ever sales manager. We're going to promote you because it's a smaller company. So they're expanding enough to get to that point where they can have teams and managers. And then from that point on, coming into November, which she already warned me was a hard month, he just got so stressed out with work. And again, I find a man that's passionate about their industry and work attractive. So I didn't think anything of it. And then right before Thanksgiving, he finally got the promotion and then it was just talking to him. He would just

randomly zone out and I'd be like, what's going on? And he'd be like, oh, I'm thinking of strategy. And he just like, couldn't turn work brain off. And he also negotiated whatever deals he closes by March, he would get his full commission on. So he felt like he things he had said, like he feels like he's working two jobs. He felt like he was drinking through a water hose, learning this new job that no one's ever done before at his company. And then from there, it kind of spiraled into,

I never took the time to establish my own life because we got into a relationship so quickly when he moved here and it was just like one thing after the other and yeah like i was just like because he never could tell me what the root of the problem was i was like is it work and he's like i'm stressed but he's like i just feel like i'm struggling like he had brought up wanting to get a therapist. He just wasn't ever to identify what actually was bothering him. And like he said, he's like, I want to seek out a therapist. He had struggled years previous with depression and I don't really, he never shared details about it with me. So I don't really know what that time period looked like for him. And so he kind of like every week it was something different.

I'm stressed out at work and I'm not working out enough. Maybe I need to find a way to alleviate stress. And then it turned into, well, when I'm stressed, I feel like I don't really have a buddy I can call up to grab a beer with. Like, I feel like I never really took the time to establish my own life. And then... How old is this guy? He's also 29. Okay.

And then it kind of turned, like, when I care about someone, whether in a relationship, friend, family, like, I just go into this fix-it mode where I'm like, okay, I can't help you with your job. So I'm going to make it easier when you get off work. So like I would make sure the groceries or dinner was planned for the week, just little things. So when he got home, he could relax and wanting to establish his own life. Like he loves sports and he kept talking about wanting to join like adult sports leagues. And so I, I again I can't

make you make friends so I would like send him the link to local sporting things that he could join to play hockey or lacrosse or all these different things like we were on a co-ed softball team together like we were very active and traveled and did a lot this last year. And so, but then he just never would take the next step to do it. Like he didn't get the therapist. He didn't join any of those leagues. He wasn't like putting himself out there to make friends. And he's like, well, maybe that's not the problem. And I'm like, okay.

Like, again, like trying to find solutions. And then after Thanksgiving, it was okay. But then I just felt like I was completely on edge. So we'd hang out, things would be great. But then I could just see that he was like zoning out or thinking about work or checking emails. Like we would go out and do something fun and he would just use it as a way to like network and be like, he'd send an email. If we were at like the hockey game and be like, look where I am. If you're ever in town, I'll host you. Like it was just nonstop work, which again, I understand, but there's also like a time and place where you can

put your phone away for a couple hours in a day. And then towards the end, like he asked for like a couple of days just to like decompress. And I was like, okay. And then we'd hang out again. It would be fine. But then with me, like going into this, like fix it solution mode, he just, I could feel him pushing away. And then he started saying like he felt codependency in the relationship. And I was like, I just don't know that fine line between like when your person's struggling, not in some way, shape or form feeling the distance or the pain or wanting to help that person. And so into December, like we took two weeks off, like a break completely, you know, a little communication here and there, just because it was Christmas.

Like December is a hard month for me because my mom passed away that month six years ago so I'm already a little not a little a lot on edge to the month of December with the holidays and everything and so he like would make comments like he texted me on the anniversary of her passing and was like you're so amazing like I'm strong I'm sorry I haven't been able to be strong enough for you during this time. And then when he got back from visiting his family for the holidays, he texted me and was like, Hey, I'm back in town. Like, can we hang out tomorrow? And I was like, yeah, that's fine. And then hanging out, I guess, meant him coming over to break up with me. And in that breakup, I asked him, I'm like, what did you think about

during that two weeks? Like what, like he even showed up at my place with like the Christmas present he bought me and like nothing about, I don't know, I guess I know breakups are premeditated. I'm not naive to think you just, he woke up and broke up with me. Like, obviously he had been thinking about it, but I asked him, I was like, what decisions led you or thought process led you to this decision? He he's like, I don't know. I can't tell. Like, I, he just couldn't articulate his feeling. And I asked him, I was like, okay, is this permanent? Are you okay with this? And he's like, I don't know. I just know I need time. Like this back and forth is too much for me. I'm like, it's too stressful. And then he broke up with me. And so with everything with my mom and the back and forth

with him, I was just like in a very bad mental state. So I went to my doctor and they were like, well, why don't we temporarily put you on an antidepressant just to like ease some of this anxiety you're feeling. You can just be on it a couple months till things like settle down and then you can start weaning off of it. And I was like, okay, I went batshit crazy on this medicine. I hated it. Like the month of January, it was just a wash. I just felt awful. And so like, and he knew that I was like going crazy. And so like, he made a comment that was like, I feel like this is past the point of repair. And I, at the time that he was saying that I didn't know that I was having these like crazy effects of the medicine, which I understand

it's kind of like a trial and error when you go on that medicine to find the right one. it's kind of like a trial and error when you go on that medicine to find the right one. And so like with the breakup, not having like all of a sudden being perfect and then all of a sudden not for like a month. When you got on the medication, was it mostly based off of your sadness over the relationship and the breakup? Or were you experienced like just general depression? I struggle with really bad anxiety. struggle with really bad anxiety. And so I just felt, and like, now I've talked to doctors and therapists and they were like, anxiety is very different than depression. They should have probably prescribed you like the low dose anxiety medication instead of full blown antidepressant. But I just listened to what my doctor told me they thought would be best.

Are you on it? Are you off it now? Yeah, I'm officially off of it. So I started feeling like back to my normal self starting in February. But in the back of my mind, I'm just I don't again, like I know, he probably put a lot more thought into this than he gave me information on. But I just don't understand how things could have been so great and then all of a sudden like something as exciting as a promotion should have been something to celebrate but he I just feel like he his stress level spiraled from there and then he just like was almost unrecognizable the month of December and then the breakup and then, I did reach out when I was really

struggling in January, just kind of like, you were my best friend for like a year, like just as someone to talk to. And he just, I don't want to say dismissed me. He, he tried to talk to me a little bit, but then I think he understood that nothing he was saying was going to make me feel better. And so that's when he was kind of like, we're at the like past the point of repair. And then when I'm like in that mindset, I'm just like, was this even repairable? And I like my mind goes in circles from there. I don't know. Like I, I care about, I still care about him so much.

Like I've been having a lot of fun being single. Cause I mean, you have to keep busy, make friends. Like I've been having a great time, but in the back of my mind, I just, one, I miss him and not, and I know I'm not entitled to closure, but not really knowing what happened or even him being able to say, this is like I I just don't understand how being stressed at work or wanting friends or the reasons he somewhat gave me have anything to do with relationship it was like he almost couldn't manage all of how badly it went and how like erratic I felt that being like our last point of communication.

Yeah. I mean, I feel for you. I mean, I've, I, I, I've, I've been in your shoes before, uh, which I'm sure many people listening have, and it sucks. There's really no, you know, there's no magic pill, um, or thing that's just going to make it go away. And a lot of things you're struggling with is they're all normal questions, but like the, the answer is there. It's just, it's just hard to, for you to see, right? Like, I don't like have a clear answer, but like, as you were telling the story and he was like, oh, you know, I want to make new friends or I want to, or maybe I should get therapy. And here you

are sending him links and things like that. And he was not following through with it. Well, that is the answer. That wasn't really the problem. Now, I don't know what the problem and, you know, specifically was, but ultimately the problem was the relationship for him as, as hard as that might be to hear, you know, and I don't say not you, but just the relationship and there, you know, he moved and there is something to be said about the fact that, um, very conveniently, uh, he was talking to you, liked you, had a great thing with you so much that fuck it, you know? And I don't think it probably wasn't a coincidence and he moved across the street, you know, you probably gave him some recs or something, or he saw a listing for, you know, you probably gave him some recs or something, or

he saw a listing for, you know, he visited you and you're like, Oh, I guess this, I'll move here. Sure. Why not? You know, like probably wasn't a total coincidence. And, and after a year, I think he just decided, you know, he didn, well, A, he didn't know what he wanted, and maybe what he wanted wasn't you. Meanwhile, it was pretty clear to him that you knew what you wanted, and that was him and the relationship. And what he wanted to prioritize wasn't you or the relationship, it was himself and the job.

You know, and it's easy in some of your position to say, well, why, why, why would a promotion change our relationship? That should be a happy thing. Yeah. But it really wasn't about him, a promotion, the promotion created more responsibility and more tasks. He's obviously very career driven right now. It's very important to him. It doesn't seem like it's a priority for him to have work-life balance. You know what I'm saying? He's not willing to sacrifice what he wants for his career for anything else in his personal life right now.

It doesn't seem like. for his career for anything else in his personal life right now. It doesn't seem like, and if he has to make sacrifices, maybe if he wants more friends, he's more willing to sacrifice you in the relationship than the job. Like he only has so much bandwidth for his personal life because he's unwilling to, you know,

uh, sacrifice any efforts he has towards his professional life. I mean, that's what I get that. And I would never tell him or friends, anyone to sacrifice their career. I understand you can't really actually, I just, you should, you should sometimes. I mean, like that's the thing you're, you're very trying, you're trying to be the very understanding girlfriend and you're even is his ex girlfriend trying to be the very understanding girlfriend and you're even is his ex-girlfriend trying to be understanding. There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship and setting

a boundary and expectation saying, I need more from you. I do like, I need you to put your phone away. You know, I need you to have boundaries when it comes to your work life. I don't want to just be dating someone where I get their leftovers, even if it's from work. And there's nothing wrong with saying that. And, and I think that's where you need to recognize that it is okay for you to say that. And I think you recognizing that will help you get over this relationship better because right now you're in this state of mind of focusing on how things shifted because of the promotion. And your mindset is, well, I want to be the understanding girlfriend. I want to be the supportive girlfriend.

I want to be the fixer. I don't want to, you know, a girlfriend shouldn't get in the way. You know, I don't want to get in the way of his hard work. And I do, I do love a guy who is career driven and motivated, of course. But like, as with everything else, like, you know, life is about balance. Extremes of anything could be, you know, it's like, you could say, well, I love love I want a guy who's passionate and good in bed, but maybe he's so like sexually driven that he's like obsessed with porn or, you know, going to strip clubs. You know what I'm saying? But like that, you know, so I want a guy who's sexual doesn't necessarily have to mean that you want a guy who's obsessed with porn and strip clubs.

You know what I'm saying? So like, I want a guy who has a work, good work ethic and motivated in his career doesn't mean that you have to accept a guy who doesn't know how to turn that off and still prioritize other things in his life. Like, you know, you or the relationship, or if you guys were to have kids someday and things like that. Does that make sense? and things like that. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes sense. And I think you recognizing that you were giving too much without expecting enough in return will make you see him and this relationship you had a little bit differently. You opened up by saying how this relationship was so much better than your first one of five years. Great. That doesn't mean this is your guy. First one of five years. Great. That doesn't mean this is your guy. You know, my first relationship was off and on for seven years.

And the second one, there were aspects of it that were better, especially in that first year until she cheated on me. You know, but that first year, if you would have told me in the first year, it would have been a lot of things where I'm like, I have this better and I have that better. And my third girlfriend, we dated for two and a half years. This was the best relationship I had of those three. And it was, she was awesome and great. And she still wasn't my person. You know what I'm saying? So, uh, great that it was better, but just because it was better doesn't mean you lost the one. You know what I'm saying? And so right now in this state of heartbreak and sadness, I think you really need to get your mind frame on thinking about the things that you, that actually you weren't in fact happy with. There's a lot of things in the relationship you weren't happy with,

but you're not seeing it as something you weren't happy with. You are just focused on trying to empathize with him and his state of mind so that you can figure out a way to fix it stop empathizing with his point of view and you have to start focusing on your point of view and when you go back and replay those past few months in the relationship, you got to change the lens in which you're seeing it. And, and you have to say to yourself, I want someone who can be there for me as much as I'm willing,

willing to be there for them. If I'm going through a hard time, I want someone who won't just constantly complain about things, but they're, if they're gonna like struggle with something, they're willing to do something about it either on their own or take the help I offer them. I mean,

I mean, it is tough to be in a relationship with someone who wants to complain about everything and never wants to do anything about it. There's a lot of people like that. You know, they don't want to get it on their own way. They just like to, and you know who do anything about it. There's a lot of people like that. You know, they don't want to get it on their own way. They just like to, you know who they complain about, you know who they complain to the most?

Their partners. You know, you've only dated this guy for a year. I mean, imagine being married to a guy like that with kids who just kind of vents to you about things they're not satisfied with, but never really does anything about it. Yeah. And then I ended up getting called codependent because of like how much it was all affecting me. Yeah.

So while this relationship might've been better than the first one, you only did this guy for a year and a half. That's not a great deal of time. And in that relationship, you know, he moved, right? And there, there, you have to take that into consideration too. You have to take into consideration that he, he wasn't really settled. A lot of this was all new. And if anyone was, he was codependent on you to help you acclimate himself help him acclimate himself to being in florida you know yeah and i asked him when we first met i was like you just moved here like are you sure you want to like get into a relationship he's like oh yeah yeah like

i've been single for x amount of years like this is like the phase of life that I'm in like I want to meet my person blah blah blah and like even when like throughout the when we started getting to that point because it started like only hanging out on weekends and then it turned into slowly up until every day just he lives across the street so it was easy to have dinner together and I asked him like multiple times I'm like when we started hanging out every day and I'm like if you need like we're kind of forming a routine like at any point you need time to yourself or whatever the case may be like you just have to tell me and he's like he knows I have anxiety and like his response was like I want to see you every day like I like you I like spending my time with you and so

I even extended the at the beginning like I know this is a lot or when like we started hanging out every day making sure like I acknowledge like I don't want you to think like you're obligated just because we're forming this routine like I'm I, I never care. Like it also bothers me. Like you've said, like someone being so negative, like when I look at the year that he and I had, like, we did so much together, but we did a lot of things separately. Like he went on all these extravagant trips, his work sent them to Europe, like all these different things. And so like, just for him being so stressed and feeling like he didn't take the time to establish his own life. I'm like, what does that even look like then? Because you like, we both did so much this last

year. That's a good question. Right. But you should ask yourself that not not him. You know what you're kind of describing? You know how like, when, let's say two friends are planning a trip, or not, that's the thing. It's one person has an idea of a trip, right? And this one person wants to go on a trip, but they don't want to go alone. So they plan a trip and they find a friend who's willing to go on a trip with them that they planned. And there's a lot of people like that. Like, I'm not a plan. It's just like, yeah, if you invite me on a trip, I'll go like, can you book my ticket? Like, fine, I'll book my own ticket. But like, you do the rest, you know, and they'll go along with it. That's, that's, that's how your relationship sounds. He was willing to go along with it. That's how your relationship sounds. He was willing to go along with it, right? You were the planner of the relationship.

You prioritized the relationship. You came up with all the things that you guys did in the relationship and did together, and when things were bad and stressful, you came up with solutions, and he just showed up for the party. He wasn't really willing to do any of the, his, he was focused on the work and his life and these other trips.

And you, you were the only one focused on the relationship. That's how it sounds to me, the way you describe it. He was just willing to show up. He was just willing to be your girlfriend, you know, but when, when was he ever really willing to like prioritize the relationship or make a sacrifice for the relationship and realize that maybe like, you know what, things were really good, but like this, we're going through a rough patch. What do I, what can I do to make sure that we get through this rough patch? He doesn't seem

like he's willing to do much of anything at all as he was willing to be in the relationship with you until it was inconvenient for him yeah that's exactly kind of what i told him i was like we we've like never argued this is a normal bump in the road that you get through together and only if he's only if two people are willing to get through it together. But, you know, you recognize you have this fixer mindset and you were you were you were doing 100 percent of your half and trying to do 30, 40 percent of his. And all you were expecting of him was to show up. That was your only expectation of him is to kind of just, you know, be there and, and be like pleasant, but you, you didn't really need him to do much of else, any of the, of anything else. Yeah, you're right. So now when you think about that, I'm only

saying that is like, stop looking through this relationship through rose colored glasses. like stop looking through this relationship through rose colored glasses. Like I'm not, don't waste energy getting mad at him or yourself about like, Oh, I shouldn't have done that. Or he played me or I was duped. That's just kind of a waste of your energy at this point. It was what it was.

I don't feel that way. Well, good. I still think like, I think he's a great person. I have nothing bad to say about him, but I just think the relationship, I think he's a great person. I have nothing bad to say about him, but I just think. The relationship wasn't as great as you are remembering it right now.

It's not as confusing as it was when you first called in. You know what I'm saying? Like, there is a version of this where you should have realized that you weren't getting what you wanted out of this. And you left him not because he's a bad guy or anything like that, but you just were like, Hey, listen, if you're going to be my person, I need so much more from you. You took care of the whole relationship. All he did was show up again. He was just kind of willing to be your girlfriend, your boyfriend, you know, he, he didn't have the bandwidth or energy or interest to make the relationship priority. You know, he went

on the trip that his friend planned for him. Organized. Yeah, he went on a bachelor party. But you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, Yeah. Yeah, it was never because he planned it. You planned, you even planned the relationship. I even planned out meals. Yeah. He was very much codependent on you and he probably felt that. But you, in the future, going forward, you have to set that boundary for yourself of like, unless you want someone to be with you for that reason,

it doesn't sound like you do, but you can be a nurturing, loving partner and still have your boundaries and limits. Like, you know, what are the, you know, what are they doing for you early on?

You know, like getting someone to date you just because like you're very convenient and nurturing to be around. Like it's easy for that person to take you for granted over time. Yeah, I see that now. Well, good. I mean, that's good though. But part of your, part of your, I hate to say problem is when you called in is I think you were still seeing this relationship through rose colored glasses and having a hard time accepting that. Like, honestly, like as sad as I am about the relationship ending and as much as I love him, I, that's, that is not the type of relationship I want for myself forever. It was certainly better than my first one, but it's not as it's not it's I can do better You can start thinking that you can do better when it comes to the relationship that you had It's not about doing better than him. It's just about all right here. What did I learn this relationship? I learned, you know I liked what I had I liked X Y & Z

But like I don't I want someone who wants to participate in our relationship as much as I participate in it. And he wasn't really participating in your relationship. He was, again, just, he was showing up to the party, you know, he wasn't being the friend and the, you know, using the party analogy. It was like, Hey, can I bring something? Can I do anything? What can I do? Should I, can I show up and help you set up? Can I help you clean up when people leave? No no he was just the guest who like showed up a little bit late after the party kind of got popping and and left as things kind of dwindled down he didn't bring anything didn't help to clean up he just

was there to be part of the entertainment as long as you know and that's not what you want for a relationship no because i did a a lot yeah even to the extent of planning outside of our relationship helping with his family like i did like and again like i'm probably always going to be that way in a relationship but understanding that boundary that i should also get that in return. Yes. And you should always be that way. That's a great thing. Someone is going to really appreciate that, but you still need to expect from them. You still have to be able to say, uh, well, you know, and that's when you meet someone in the future, you will be better at recognizing these patterns early on.

And you have to stop telling yourself, but it was so much better than the first one. Yeah. Well, talking to you has made a lot more sense than a lot of money spent in therapy. Well, therapy is still good. No, it's still good. I'm very much so an advocate for therapy. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful.

It was. Thank you so much. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Julia and I'm 24 years old. Hi, Julia. How can I help? So I wanted to talk to you because I have been seeing this guy. So I started seeing him. We met on a dating app and we connected right away.

We were texting every single day, pretty much all day since we met, going on like one to two dates, I would say a week. And by the fourth date, I was like, I like this guy enough that I want to have sex with him. So I told him that I had genital herpes and I gave my little speech on genital herpes that I usually give. And I wanted to do like a caveat to that because I feel like I'm in a good place with like my diagnosis and like how I feel about it. But I also recognize that there are like extreme emotions around herpes and I never really know going into it, like how someone's going to respond to it.

around herpes and I never really know going into it, like how someone's going to respond to it. So it feels like a big vulnerability for me to, I guess, to share. Um, and I think like usually in relationships, you share small vulnerabilities, build trust, vulnerabilities get bigger. Um, but with herpes, you kind of have to share it pretty early on and it's like, take it or leave it. Um, and that feels like heavy, I guess, and kind of creates like a power dynamic right away. Anyway, so I tell him and he responds like perfectly, like, I feel like my ideal way that you would respond, like immediately validating me immediately telling me that, you know, it's not a big deal, and that it's not a concern to him and that he knows he likes me wants to continue to see me feels like I'm knowledgeable. And he feels like we can have conversations if he doesn't feel comfortable. And he says like he

wants to have sex with me whenever I feel like it's good. Cause I, cause I usually like in my speech say like, take however long you want to take. Like if you have questions, like ask me anything. And he was like, whatever designated time you have, I'll take that, but I'm ready when you are. So I thought that was just like, so cool. I feel like it definitely increased my feelings for him because I just found it super attractive. And I told him that. And so two weeks go by more, like we're seeing each other more. And I feel like at one month mark, I'm like, I like this guy. I'm going on other dates, but like, I'm thinking about him and I am feeling like I don't want my time to be taken up with other people when I'm

thinking about him. I also feel like it wasn't really like fair. So I told the other people that I was seeing that like, like I kind of cut it off. I stayed on dating apps, but like, I wasn't actively trying to go on more dates. But also felt like I may be feeling like this because I just disclosed something big and I might be like, just feeling vulnerable. So I waited to talk to him about it. We kind of had casual conversations about like, are you seeing other people? Um, but it was never like, I want whatever I want. And then, um, by the two month mark, I was like, okay, I'm definitely starting to have feelings for this guy. Yeah. We had sex. Yeah. We had sex like almost immediately after I disclosed like the next date we had sex, everything was fine. Two month mark. Um, I'm

like, okay, I definitely know I like this guy and I feel like we have good communication. I was so confident we were on the same page. Like I just felt like confident going into it. And I was like, when the conversation comes up naturally, I'll tell them how I feel. Like I had, like, I love the podcast. Like I had the words of like, define what you want in my head. So we were at breakfast and I was like, which is like not the right venue I'm realizing now. Um, but, uh, I was like, he, we had gone out the night before and he was like, how do you feel about it? Like, are you, um, did you have a good time? Like I had such a good time with you. And I was like, yeah, I'm really enjoying our time together. I'm having a lot of

fun. And I feel like at this point, I don't want to see other people. And, um, I want to put all my dating energy into you. And he was like, he was basically, ultimately, what he said was like, he wanted to continue to see me and he did like me, but he said that he wanted to keep like his options open. And that like, he didn't want to commit to anything because he wanted to be sure when like, he fully committed. And I was like, all right, like that's totally fair and valid. Um, but also like, we're on obviously different pages, so we can't see each other anymore. We shouldn't see each other anymore. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. Okay. Um, yeah, I just, I have no problem with doing it at breakfast when,

when it was so awkward, it was so awkward. It was awkward because you didn't get the answer you wanted yeah yeah yeah and i honestly like i'm i'm cool with awkward conversations i feel like i'm good at them and i think you i think you did it the right way and i think the awkwardness doesn't mean that you didn't and i think it made you uh i would think more sure of yourself and more confident more powerful in his eyes you know you do it over text if there's an element of fear you know avoidance and you didn't do that so whether this works out eventually the way you want or not it you did the right thing oh thank you yeah i i Yeah. I, I feel like after I did it, I was like in my head, like, Oh, should I have just waited longer? But now I'm trying to just tell myself, no,

like you put up a boundary, like stick to it. And so he, um, what do you say to that? When you said we should no longer see each other. He was like, I feel like ultimately as much as I like you, I feel like at the end of the day, I need to date more. And if that's gonna, I like, I don't want to waste your time. And I was like, that's fair. And then he was like, if he's like, I really like you though. So if you want to hang out as like friends anytime, like I'm happy to do that. And I just like, like the message. Cause I'm like, I'm not going to hang out with you as a buddy. Sorry. Um, and I'm, you know, like that's better than a heart. Yeah. I know. I like just listened to that episode, like the day after it happened,

cause it happened on Sunday. And I was like, Oh my God, that's funny. But thumbs up is way better than a heart though. I feel like it's kind of sarcastic, right? Like the heart is,

there's a, it's, I would prefer no response, but the thumbs up isn't bad. Okay. So, so this't bad. Okay. So where am I now? This happened Sunday. Yeah, like it's very fresh.

Yeah. And I am like sadder than I am. Now it's a game of chicken. You think? Honestly, I'm trying not to be like hopeful that he messages me. I'm trying to be like, it smart it's fine yeah you don't you got your answer you go out i mean if you want to mourn the disappointment for a few days fine yeah but get back out there start dating yeah yeah and that's what i'm i'm trying to tell myself

yeah you know i definitely believe in kind of like you're putting an energy out in the world that you're not waiting around. And I'm not a very superstitious person. Putting that energy out there will find its way back to him somehow. You know what I'm saying? And then if he gives a shit, you will get a response. But like you sitting on the sideline by your phone hoping he figures it out uh isn't going to do the trick exactly yeah i feel the exact same way in the

meantime get back out there and date i mean you don't have to get date seriously you don't have to like just at least tell yourself that you're just able to do it. And yeah, you'll have some crappy dates and some of your dates might just make you miss him just because you really enjoyed them. But don't do, don't be willing to be friends with them, you know? Yeah. No, I'm not that girl. And he needs to realize that if he wants access to you, he has to commit to you.

He will make contact and it will be very open-ended. And what he's going to do is hope that you are like, hey, what's up? What are you up to? And ask him to get together. So that way he didn't ask you and he didn't not respect your boundaries. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, totally. the whole time he was like balls in your court like and when we were leaving he's

like to you yeah no next time you say no no no sir balls in your court yeah because like he was like oh like let's go let's go to the movies this night like there's this cool thing going on and i'm like no like i'm not gonna keep seeing you like that's just gonna get me hurt and he's like okay and that's where we left it yeah i would love for you to say to him but i know balls in your court okay next time i will yeah for sure yeah uh because yeah you're just like no no what do you mean i'm not like there in the longer answer to that thing he said is i i'm in no way confused that i have zero interest in being your pal i understand that you're not entirely sure about whether you want me to be your girlfriend,

but I'm 100% not confused about my interest in only being your pal all while you still date and hook up with other people. I could not be more clear about that. I'm not even sure if I want you to be my person forever. What I am again to repeat is sure that I am interested in finding out all while like, you know, not like going on the dating apps while I do it. Because we can always break up and then I'll go back on the dating apps then, you know? Yeah. Yes. That's exactly what I feel. And like when we were talking about it, he was like, well, he's like, I'm not going on a bunch of dates. Like, I'm not having sex with other people. He's like, I just don't want to shut down the option of eventually doing that. And I was like, well, I'm like, okay, just because you're not currently like, that's fine. But I just think like, to me, it's like, if he was willing to, um, like if he could see something in the future,

I feel like he would be fine to be like, let's try it out. But if he's not, then that's fine. I just think it's time for me to move on. Yeah, no, you're doing right. You did it. Great. Okay, cool. Thank you so much. This has been helpful. Yeah. Thank you. Bye. Thanks for listening guys. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K for our Ask Nick episodes

or mediation calls. I think we are going to get, hopefully April. I think we're going to get April for Tuesday episode. We're trying to get April. We'll see if she's available. If not, I think I'm pretty confident

we're going to try to get someone else for Tuesday's episode and Colby and Madeline on Wednesday for Going Deeper. You won't want to miss that. See you tomorrow.