The Viall Files - E41 Ask Nick - Three Licks On The Tootsie Pop

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

On this episode of Ask Nick, we talk a lot about… sex. We take questions from listeners about too much sex, too little sex, and being afraid of sex. We also hear from a woman who is concerned she is getting groomed for a Throuple. But first, we get an update from the “Super Ghoster,” Jeremy.  Let’s keep the Sexversation flowing! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: MODERN FERTILITY: https://modernfertility.com/viall/ EMBARK: http://embarkvet.com/ CODE: VIALL HONEY: https://www.joinhoney.com/viall FRANK AND OAK: https://www.frankandoak.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is up everybody happy monday monday you are listening to us on a monday and if you are checking in thanks for joining when you got around to it. What a great episode we have in store. We don't always necessarily have themes or intend to, but sometimes it just fits together. And this is a real sex driven. How much, how often, how little.

Oh yeah. Who's having sex. I grew up conservative. Funny world out there. We have in terms of sex and dating it's uh it's a lot of fun we also have a quick update if you have been listening with us from our friend jeremy who rochelle also by the way has the hots for no i don't why would you why are you gonna call me out like that for what uh nick should we edit this out no No, it's fine. Whatever. He's a hot guy. I'd have the hots for him.

Anyways, if you don't remember, Jeremy super ghosted a young lady and we suggested he maybe should reach out and apologize. He did so. He shared with us his message. What did he say? Well, we will get that message to you, the audience, in just a second. that message to you, the audience, in just a second. But first, well, I hope you bought at least one of the things we told you that would benefit your life.

Yeah. I'm just waiting to allow our audience to finish their purchase. All right. Now that your order is on your way, Our friend Jeremy, if you are listening, he sent, he DM'd us. And he shared with us his little message. It's pretty short and sweet, but nice. I hope it went well. Hey Mila, I'm so sorry that this has taken so long,

but I feel like I owe it to you to send this message. I'm sorry for the way that I treated you in 2015 you didn't deserve it and I should have had an honest conversation with you instead of just ghosting you you don't need to rely you don't need to reply to this message but I felt like this was necessary I hope everything in your world is well and I wish you nothing but the best. That's a great, that's a great,

perfect. Good job, Jeremy. Sweet, direct, not asking for anything. Sweet. Just letting her know what she deserves and that she didn't deserve that. Yes.

And she replied. Oh no, what did she say? Hi, Jeremy. Thank you for reaching out and apologizing. I appreciate it. I hope you're doing well and I wish you nothing

but the best too! Exclamation point. Oh. What a great response. I appreciate it. I hope you're doing well and I wish you nothing but the best too! Exclamation point. Oh. What a great response. Yeah. Sounds like to me, she replied, so she definitely

appreciated it. Yeah. But it sounds like she's also fine and great. Moved on, yeah. And that's awesome. Yeah. But certain there's probably

a part of her who just, it validated probably what she always knew and was able to get over with. Yes. I bet she had a really great day. Not because she needed Jeremy, but like it just, sometimes those things can fuck with us.

So props to Jeremy for- Yes, good job, Jeremy. For reaching out and owning up to his behavior. Even though like- Super ghost. Yeah. I mean, we all have done shitty things that we regret and it's never too late to make amends

without disrupting people's having moved on. Yes. Beautiful. So- Wow. You really did your job. Changing the world. Yeah.

Anyways, we have some really great callers today. A lot of sexversation. Rochelle has made up a new word. She's very excited about it. Don't forget, again, to send your email questions in with all your questions, both men and women. We need your questions to keep doing this. Email us at asknickatcastmedia.com.

And we would love to share your stories and answer your questions. Without further ado. Strap in, people. Strap in and strap it on. What's your diary, Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. Hi, Allie. How are you? I'mie. How are you?

I'm fine. How are you guys? So good. This is Nick. This is Rochelle. Hello. I don't know why I said this is Nick. Like I was outside of my body introducing myself. How can we help you, Allie?

I actually have a question regarding my married sex life um so sweet actually it's more of i would like to get your opinion on it on a situation that i just kind of came across so my husband and i have been married for six years we've been together for 11 years dang and um you know we got married kind of early i was 24 he was 25 okay but you know, we've been together for a long time. And I think like all relationships, it kind of dwindled into a kind of sparse sex life. But at the same time, we were both kind of okay with that. Like if, like if we were to list the things in our marriage that we value, sex would be pretty far towards the bottom because we just had such a

different kind of foundation to our relationship okay and um that's never been a problem at all like we've discussed it we're like you cool with this he's like yeah we're good you know but so you know flash forward to now um we've sort of gotten to this point in our lives where we have other friends who are married now like other married couples friends and i think that the topic of sex life comes up like especially amongst his guy friends and um he came home to me one day and he said it was after one of these nights out and he said this very matter-of-factly you know i've been hearing that we should be having sex two times a week so i think we should probably start doing that okay it kind of just like took me off the left field a little bit because i was like oh i thought you know we

had this understand you know i don't know not an understanding but we just kind of were comfortable you know and um i'm not super sure if it's something he actually wants or if it's something that is like a social sure you know, a social norm that he thinks should be living up to. So, I mean, am I off base and kind of not wanting to do that? Or is, you know, is he kind of right? Should I be kind of open to this more? Well, there's no right or wrong answer in terms of what you should or shouldn't be doing

in your sex life relative to other people. I'm not a sex therapist, but from what I know is like, everyone's different, literally. I mean, there are people who have a very high sex drive, there are people who have low sex drives, and then everything in between. I think, I mean, my personal opinion, I think in a marriage, I mean, my personal opinion, I think in a marriage, it's ideal to be on the same page in terms of not everyone's as lucky to end up marrying someone who has the same sex drive. And then you have that one person who's always wanting it and the other person is not. And sometimes it changes. You know, sometimes if, you know, young couples get married, the guys are all horned up. And then later in life, I mean, the girls want some dick and the guys are like, ah, I'm tired.

So it's just all about communication um so there's definitely there's no you're not doing anything wrong he's not doing anything wrong your friends aren't doing his friends aren't doing anything right it's just different so that's my first takeaway is like that he shouldn't be impacted by what his friends want. Now, that being said, it's entirely possible that he was never really comfortable with admitting that he always maybe wanted more sex. I don't know. You know your husband. I'm just basing, I'm making a generalization that sometimes people, even when they're married,

are never really comfortable talking about sex. I've become very comfortable talking about sex. You know, I've become very comfortable talking about sex. But weirdly enough, growing up, we didn't talk about sex ever. Even now, as comfortable as I am talking about sex, and I have a podcast, we talk a lot about sex. I've kind of thrown it out there with my parents a little bit. But if I were to talk about sex with my parents, I get really awkward. I guess what I'm saying is, you know, sometimes it's just, it's always been considered fairly taboo, less and less now. So it can be hard for even married couples to do that. So I guess my question to you is, do you feel like that's what he really wants? Or do you think there's a possibility that's just what he always told you because you've been pretty adamant that you don't have a high sex drive i i think you might be on

base with that um mainly he's very shy when it comes to sex and he always has been like even when we were dating he's always been kind of shy about it so um that's a very real possibility that um that yeah that maybe that is essentially is his way of telling me that. But either way, I'm like, that's a super unsexy way to solicit your wife for sex. You know, give her a quota. Definitely a very unsexy way. Hey, my friends are fucking. I think we should, too.

We got two times a week. Like, babe, I don't even want to have sex with you, but I just need to keep up. times a week like babe i don't even want to have sex with you but i just need to keep up um not not really hot guys uh for our 10 percenters out there um but again in his defense i'm not defending him but if he it's you guys just don't talk you don't have a hot like you don't talk about sex you don't have a lot of sex and it can be awkward and especially for guys they're just kind of stupid and when it comes to that and you know women can be too if again it's just really uncomfortable and in his mind he's using his friends as an excuse for something he's never really felt comfortable

enough to bring up he's probably maybe could be afraid of what you're gonna say and now he feels like he has allies you know as dumb as it sounds it sounds, he's just like, well, shit, I'm not alone. I always wondered if maybe we should have more sex. But like, turns out other people are having more sex. And so it could be that. I guess what I would encourage you guys to do is, and maybe you, if you, you know, just start, whether you guys start having more sex or not, you can still talk about sex. start whether you guys start having more sex or not you can still talk about sex you can feel comfortable about always communicating about your sex life even in the bedroom when you're not having

sex talking about it a little bit uh what each other like are you just like do you not i mean what what about you like are you're really comfortable with the current sex or also are you are are you both just not having sex because you're both kind of awkward about it i mean so okay i but when we do have sex it's great it's fine but from like my taste it's a little vanilla okay so like and i tried to talk to him about you know like i said he's super shy so it's hard for me to be like hey you know, like I said, he's super shy. So it's hard for me to be like, hey, you know, I'm totally gung ho for doing this more. But like, honest to God, I get kind of bored, you know, with what we're doing right now. Like, I'd love to start introducing some, you know, other stuff into, you know, our sex life. But again, like, I struggle because he

gets so shy about it. So I've always been a little bit more vocal about my sexual needs, but it's still like, it's to the point where I'm like, I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I don't want to like revert him. I don't know. It's kind of hard to explain. Yeah.

She said in her email eight years ago, they, they talked about doing anal and he like totally freaked out. And that was like the last time you tried something crazy. That was like our last exploration into k something crazy that was like our last exploration into kink was that and it was interesting and it's about yeah listen i uh i think uh it is really just about communication right i mean this so that was how long ago

eight years and he was how old 24 25 i mean again he just it's you know there's these signs that he wants more sex but he's also shy a little awkward about it it's it's a lot of these things are taboo like we talked about in an early earlier call um again there's always like mixed opinions about it but as a couple if you guys are, maybe watching some type of porn together. I mean, I think you guys just need to talk more about sex. Anal's a pretty aggressive step. To be fair, that was back when we were a lot more sexually active too, so it wasn't like as far of a diversion.

I'm not knocking it if you're into it. I'm just saying like don't go from zero to 100, you know, in a sense of, again, sometimes when I'm in relationships, I think what's really hot is to talk about sex with your partner when you're not necessarily about to have sex. Maybe it's like texting each other about like, what are you into? What do you like? You know, fantasizing, sexting in a sense of like looking forward to coming home and like kind of dirty talk. Text is easier because you don't have the awkwardness of being in front of them, you know? So you can kind of play around with it and then ask questions. I mean, there's also like you are married. Married couples can see sex therapists too.

And that's not necessarily a reflection on the health of your sex life or that's not suggesting that something's wrong with your marriage or sex life. But if you're two people who maybe struggle with your sexuality and communication, there's some awkwardness, maybe just getting more comfortable with the idea might really open things up, no pun intended, to your sex life. Because it seems like it's really unclear. It's like you both are saying you're okay with not having a lot of sex, but you're kind of both open to doing more things and experiencing more things. You've been together so long, you're in this committed relationship, and you really want to explore more fun things with each other. And I think that's great.

Well, if you're saying like that's not romantic for him to say you have to do a quota, that you could be like, hey, like that language doesn't work for me. Like you got to romance me a little bit. Take me out. Well, saying that language doesn't work for me is equally not as like it's hard for a guy.

He's going to get defensive as well. I mean, it's tough's tough and just again in a very non-threatening way because you don't want to be like well baby when you say it like that ooh but just say hey listen i i i think the best way to approach that is to acknowledge i know you and i are not good at this right don't put it on him don't put it on you always like use like we and us when talking about your sex life with him regardless if you're talking about him or you're always use always make it a team hey we're not really good about talking about this and i know like but like i agree with you i would like to see us kind of work on our sex life whether it's trying more things whether it's doing it more often. But at the same

time, I want us to both get better. I don't want to have more sex with you because your buddies are fucking more. I think he will appreciate that. I don't think he probably, he probably didn't mean it like that. It was just his way. To me, it sounds like two people who aren't good at talking about sex are trying to talk about sex and they're finding these other ways to justify what should be a very normal and comfortable thing, but often is not in any type of relationship. And so you guys have just never done it. You've been together for so long. It was never a strength of either of yours. You know, sometimes in relationships, you have one person who's pretty open about sex and then they start dating someone who isn't as comfortable.

And the person who is, is just talking about it so much. It just makes the other person be like, you know what? This isn't a big deal. This is kind of hot. This is fun. I actually like talking about sex with my partner. I like fantasizing with them. But one person usually is good at helping the other person feel more comfortable.

And we have two people who are just like, you you know just running in the walls and not really knowing no one's taking the lead here and you're both kind of awkward about it and that happens and that's okay so you could try i think it's uh seeing a sex therapist would be maybe a great option for you guys to look at uh i was saying like do i was about to say do a date night instead of be like this is we have to have sex tonight instead go out sure i mean like again there's a bunch of ideas we could throw at them I was saying like do, I was about to say do a date night instead of be like, this is, we have to have sex tonight. Instead, go out. Sure. I mean, again, there's a bunch of ideas we could throw at them.

Yeah. But I think this is about communication. Yeah. We are talking about two people who are awkward about talking about sex. Yeah. Having a date night, I could just imagine you two and one of you can say something that's make the other person feel awkward. So like take it slow with each other in terms of how you talk

about it. But like, again, just use, you know, like say things like we and us and say like, let's just put it on the table. Let's talk about it. We are married and we love each other. And again, I do think maybe seeing a sex therapist might could be a good option for you guys. I think learning how to communicate openly about sex is a big part of our relationship. And it seems like both of you kind of struggle with that a little bit. And that's okay. It's,

it's, yeah, for sure. But both of you just, you have to really focus on not making the other person feel judged because like, you know, if you're like,

Hey babe, should we, should try anal or whatever? And then he's like, Whoa, then you're like, hey, babe, we should try anal or whatever. And then he's like, whoa, then you feel like, whoa, am I a freak? What's going on? No, you just like, he might even be into it. He just thinks he's supposed to think it's weird. I don't know. And I think that often happens with sex as you've been told to think one thing and you're kind of like, I'm going to be honest, if I like this, am I a freak? I don't know. And am I okay with being a freak? Maybe I am. I don't know. So these are all different things that you have to try to

explore as a couple. Okay. Sounds good. I'll work on those. Let us know when you guys join some sex club. It'll be great. Sounds good. All right. Thanks for your call. Thank you, Nick. All right. sounds good all right thanks for your call thank you all right have a great day people don't often like talking about sex i mean again we we have a a very puritan culture yeah our country was founded on that yeah um sex is bad sex is a sin sex is not to be talked about it's you know i loved what you said about not making the other person feel bad and saying you and like you're not meeting my needs making it about us and like yeah that's a great way to get a guy defensive yeah uh and then and women too you know when guys are like you should do this wait i should what am i your sex slave right fuck bro um right and it's just and again i think it's

what often happens in relationships when you're talking about sex is it's just, and again, I think it's what often happens in relationships when you're talking about sex is it's two people not trying to say the wrong thing and not necessarily being bad people, but just not knowing how to talk about it. The more awkward you feel about something, it's the easier it is to screw up and say the wrong thing. And then you bury yourself. It's like, I mean, I'm one of them um so that's what it sounds like to me it's like two people trying to figure out how to talk about each other i i mean all jokes i i think these

people i i mean i'm sure they maybe they might not be both sexual people but it'd be pretty funny if they just like unleash pandora's box eventually oh god i hope that happens um yeah i uh i think it's a great sign too i mean yeah if eventually she seems like you know first she calls in she's like well i i'm happy with my sex life but he's buddies want to fuck more right but then she's like but i want an anal eight years ago right so maybe you just buried that part of yourself yeah so i think they're both trying to it's like people don't want to feel judged right um certainly by their spouse right it's just like well if i admit to this am i is it gonna be like can we never get past this um and you know maybe subconsciously she felt judged for the past few

years by trying to open up and then all of a sudden her buddy's like, well, my buddies think we should have more sex. Yeah. That's not hot. So, yeah, I think you just, it's, I'm a big fan of sexting in a relationship. I've noticed that. I just think it's for people who have a hard time talking about it. It's a great kind of first step. Yeah. I mean, I'm old and I'm dating myself, but I'm old enough to be like, you know, I grew up when like, I remember text becoming a thing, you know? I do too.

When I got my first cell phone, it was like, what is this texting thing? Right, right, right. I was like, I'm never going to do that. Why would I do that? I would just, I'll, and then like fast forward a year, I'm like, I thought to myself, girls will say the craziest shit via text i'd be at work and i get a text come over and fuck me and i'm like whoa who are you but like there's this like freedom of like just being able to like you know what i'm just gonna i'm gonna

send it we'll see what happens i don't know whatever i was drunk yeah but to that point is if you struggle talking about it in person it's just a a great way, especially with your partner and you trust someone, keep in mind, you know, when you text something, it's fairly permanent. So do it with people you trust in a marriage that you think you should be able to trust and,

you know, throw out, throw out a couple of haymakers and just see, throw out some landmines and see where it sticks. You know, like I just try it out. I think it's kind of, it's fun to be like any other person. And then if you're, hopefully the other person is not, you know like i just try it out i think it's kind of it's fun to be like any other person and then if you're hopefully the other person is not you know that's hot tell me more

you know yeah yeah yeah hopefully describe it use they'll be down they'll be yeah i think it's great to say get get your partner to use specifics oh i want to do things to you what do you want to do oh god i've had some bad experiences well i mean again start slow yeah some guys go too hard too fast like first that doesn't sound even i'm gonna kiss your neck and i'm gonna then i'm fucking you in the ass whoa you're full of cum for weeks oh my god holy cow weeks weeks i have a job sir that just sounds uncomfortable why would i want to have cum for weeks and i don't do I have to hold it in? I don't understand.

Yeah, and why do you? What, weeks? Meanwhile, then you eventually have sex with them, and a little drip comes out. Like, what is a week's part? Anyways, start slow. Whoa, we got off topic. Yeah, well, happy humping to that caller.

Yeah. Laura, how are you? I'm doing great. Laura, how are you? I'm doing great, Nick. How are you? I'm doing well. We have Rochelle here as well. Hey, Rochelle. Hi. Why don't you tell us your story and we will see if we can be helpful. Okay. So I'm not, to set it up, I'm not really looking for advice for how to handle it. Okay. I'm looking for feedback on if I am like really reading into a situation or if it's just more chill than I'm thinking. I can try to help out with that.

So, okay, perfect. So I just got a dog. We've been going to the dog park. Okay. And I met this guy at the dog park because our dogs just were like instant best friends um we walked all along that trail that time exchanged numbers at the end and then got together a couple days later to walk our dogs um when you got together like you made plans to hey let's our dogs like each other kind of thing let's let's well right kind of right that

to, hey, let's, our dogs like each other kind of thing. Let's, let's, well, right, kind of, right, that? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So we made plans. Well, yeah, like I reached out and I was like, hey, we're going to go to the park. He's like, okay, I'll meet you right then. And it was like at the last minute. So we met up, had a good time. Our dogs just love each other. And the next time he reached out, we met up. And as we were walking into the trail, I turned and I was like, oh, hey, is this your friend? He's like, oh, no, it's my wife. And I was really surprised because he had only ever used singular pronouns, had never mentioned anything about anybody else in his life. How many times did you hang out before you met his wife?

Twice. Okay. Oh. And in each of the first time and the second time, like the second time specifically, how long was it? Was it like you guys talked for a couple hours? Was it like a 20-minute play date with the dog? Probably an hour and a half both times. A good amount.

And then dogs are playing, but mostly you guys are talking yeah okay so you meet the wife i'm like okay that's fine whatever and so i like i'm chatting with his wife and she's cool and she immediately like wants to start making plans with me and i was like okay yeah whatever like that's fine like they've both moved here within the last five months. So the wife has been very kind of, she was overtly friendly with you? Overtly friendly, yes. Very friendly. I probably had a look.

I do not hide my feelings. And so I probably had a look of utter shock when she's like, oh, no, I'm his wife. And I just didn't seem to face her at all. And I was like, okay, whatever. They probably just want want to be friends like no red flag went off on her part she's like why are you so surprised to know I exist kind of thing yes yeah and so I like left that encounter like I felt really awkward the whole time and like a little uncomfortable. Um, and the, they both reached out since this has been a week since I've seen them and they've both been reaching out wanting to either hang out with me or meet up at the dog park again. Um, and I've just been busy and haven't been able to, I don't really feel, uh, like I want to hang out with them because I've had the thought like,

what if they're in an open relationship and want to have me come into that, which I'm not here for. Okay. And so you say that you're not looking for advice on what to do in that sense. Yeah. And that is because it sounds like your choice is to like, this is weird and I'm probably going to shut it down type of thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a pretty direct communicator.

So that's not an issue for me. I think that's probably a safe choice. I don't know if they just want to be friends or if they're looking for more. I mean, it's hard to say, right? I don't, I don't know them. Uh, you said they just both recently moved obviously as a couple to this new city and I guess, how old are they? Uh, they're probably in their mid twenties. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's harder to make friends, um, when you move to a new city after college, you know, or outside of work, you know, there's, you rely on work. And so it's always a struggle for men and women, especially even sometimes married couples

to try to extend their friend group. So there, there is that, you know, I always say, trust your gut. You got a weird vibe from it. Yeah. You know, the fact that you, you spent a lot of time, was he wearing a wedding ring when he was, when you first met him? He wasn't the two times we hung out, just the two of us. But when his wife was there, he was uh when you first met him he wasn't the two times we hung out just the two of us but when his wife was there he was okay so that's weird um right not normal

so like you definitely have a weird vibe from this so your choices are either ask them point blank uh and be like hey guys are you in an open relationship are you trying to fuck me or or ignore it and just be uncomfortable or not hang out with them. And it sounds like you're going to go with option three, which is probably the safe and healthier choice. I'm just curious as to other than, you know, you know what you want. I mean, I appreciate you calling and telling the story. What's making you want to ask someone or myself or anyone what the situation is, as opposed to just, you know what, that was weird. I'm just going to move on. You know, what, what's in there?

Because I've asked a couple of different friends and one of my best friends is married and I told her that and she's like, oh, I probably do that all the time to people because I just am like in a very trusting relationship with my husband and I'm not often wearing my wedding ring and so they're probably like just wanting to be friends and I've talked to other people and they're like oh no that sounds really weird well sure right because everyone is different so I guess I can see both sides I'm not making that big of a deal about the ring per se again I'm not married and married. And I know that some, you know, just because you're married, guys often especially find the ring uncomfortable. So there might be those things like that. I mean, men can still cheat with a wedding ring. So it's not like that's

the chastity belt, so to speak. But more importantly, you just felt the vibe in terms of like for an hour and a half communication. There's also ways to do it. I remember when I had a girlfriend a while, it's been a while, but when I had a girlfriend, I was at a bachelor party in Vegas, right? And it was me and my buddies and we met this group of girls and they were like in the pool too. And this whole group, everyone's just like hanging out. Nothing inappropriate going on. But there's this group of people. And one of these girls was very flirty with me. And you don't want to have to awkwardly be aggressive.

Be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got a girlfriend or I got a boyfriend. But there's a lot of easy ways to look for an opportunity to just throw it out there casually. And so, for example, in this group of girls, like people were like, well, what do you do for a living, et cetera, et cetera. And this one girl said she worked at this company. This was a large company that my girlfriend at the time happened to also work at. So immediately I was like, oh, yeah, my girlfriend works there.

It was just and I deliberately mentioned it to just be like everyone just so we know i have a girlfriend right and that's the way people do that without making it awkward and so that you spent three hours with a guy who's married there's an it's so effortless to oh what brings you to town well me and my wife just moved here that simple right and the fact that he didn't mean that is again it's uh it's a weird it's a weird situation um but i guess i'm still like i know you're you're maybe you're just fascinated by the situation but i don't know i'm just i just feel like there's something in you that's trying to figure out you know like what are you trying to figure out because i know it's weird but like

you know like are you just curious are you just like, you know, like, are you just curious? Are you just like a naturally curious person or why? Yeah. Okay. So it's not like. I'm just a pretty curious person. I'm just fascinated. I'm like, this is a new situation.

I've never, I've never faced this. And I'm wondering if I'm just like, have my little antennas up too high or, you know, if it's a real thing. Did he say anything sexual to you or did she like did they yeah no no so yeah minus her but like let's focus on him was he flirty the first two times he was friendly okay i'm also very bad in picking up on signals okay fair um yeah and listen it it just seems like um it i find it to be a little unique or weird and not to judge but there are you know you never really know but it sounds like i'm assuming you're single right uh so you're looking to date someone here you are thought

you met a nice guy like were you attracted to him is that like minus your dogs being best friends were you like at the time the first two dates you're like oh maybe this is a guy could keep hanging out with i mean it's not wasn't really about the dogs per se right um it was both sure right i mean and that's neat that your dogs loved each other but i'm assuming like this whole time you're like you know as much as much as... He's cute. Like, I'll keep like chatting with him and see like if this is the thing. If your dog hit it off with some other dog and the owner was someone you found to be slightly annoying and you weren't physically attracted to him, I'm guessing you would be less inclined to go out of your way, even if your dog... Absolutely.

Right? So like... 100%. That's neat that your dogs liked each other but i don't think it was really about the dog which i'm just saying like yeah that's fair that's a bummer to like someone right and then and that's the thing it's just like oh you you know when you're single and you meet someone that you're like oh maybe yeah option right and then and then only to be like you get a little excited maybe you tell your friends it's just like you know i met this guy

and our fucking dogs like each other this is great i can picture our lives together and then like date three his wife shows up yeah that's like that's a that's a bummer right and uh you know what a what an unfortunate situation um but i mean i don't know like all things being equal do you think you could be friends with her i mean maybe you have enough of friends you're like i don't need another chick in my life i don't you know i don't know um i mean i've got plenty of friends but i'm i'm like fine to be friends with them i don't care like they seem like nice people so like i mean listen if you're that uncomfortable situation then sure if you're that naturally curious of a person just for fun the next time she reaches out to you grab a cup

of coffee with her and just be like i gotta can i just can i just be honest come clean can i just be honest you guys seem like really nice but i didn't know you existed the first two times and you know you guys i'm i feel like we're becoming friends but i was a little thrown off by uh yeah uh not knowing you existed. And maybe it seems like you have a really trusting relationship. She might just be like, well, if I'm being honest, we're just trying to fuck you. I don't know. Maybe she won't.

Maybe she, you know, I don't know. Maybe, who knows? If you don't feel threatened by them. Yeah, do it. Right? You know, I don't know. I'm assuming they're normal people, but me in the public area. And have a cup of coffee and just be like, yeah, can I just throw something out there?

Send us an update. Yeah. Okay. Let us know. I think there's more to be discovered here. And if you're up for it, I think you should just, there's no harm in finding out just for fun. You don't seem to be overly invested in this relationship, which is great. And I'm sure your dog will like other dogs. So that's fine.

He does. Yeah. That's fine. I mean, probably the only takeaway is like, sometimes we like to use our friends and dogs and our work as excuses for things that like, hey, I liked him and he turns out he he has a wife and that's a bummer. Yeah.

Is that something people do groom you for? Do people groom other people for threesomes? I don't, I don't know. I've, I've never been in a relationship where we mutually were trying to find a third party. It seems icky.

Like, or do you, yeah, I guess if you just come right out with it, most people will be like, uh, no no thanks i feel like i don't i know i have some friends in relationships that uh have non-traditional relationships yeah i mean not i don't know a lot about it yeah i get the sense that there's a community yes that you can pick from right yeah like i i get a sense that if you are in an open relationship,

there's, like, a pool of people. Yeah. I could be wrong. Or do they literally, do you go out hunting? Well, I have a couple of friends who got, like, drawn into someone's. Approached? But not for threesome, just for, like, a guy's side girl.

And they're like, yeah, he takes me out. And, like, his wife knows. But, like, I know that we'll never have a relationship because he's married. But I don't, I, he takes me out. And his wife knows, but I know that we'll never have a relationship because he's married. But I think they were groomed. This is LA. Yeah, I mean, LA is a unique city. I feel like there's people okay with someone getting the rent paid for.

Yeah. I could be, you know, I don't know. So yeah, that's what I would do. I would look into it. I would have some fun with it or just leave it alone. But I get the sense that you're also curious and you want to know and I can't really, I can give you like all the,

here are the possibilities of the situation, but I don't really know. And I'm curious myself. So you might as well just ask her. Yeah, and just say like Nick said, that it was weird that he didn't mention you. To be like like I went I call in this podcast and I told this story

and they told me to ask you if you want to maybe we'll get two new listeners you never know spread the word all right well Laura let us know if you get an update email us and and we'll we'll share it with the audience. I think

we always appreciate the follow-up. Thank you for your question. Thanks, guys. Have a great day. Bye-bye. I don't know. We talked about it with Laura on the call. The open relationship world, it's getting more buzz. It is, yeah.

I don't know if that's our society in the sense that we've become less and less traditional. You know, I don't know if that's our society in the sense that we've become less and less traditional. I mean, myself, you are similar to that. We grew up traditionally. I still hold on to a lot of my roots. And I think traditions can be great. And I'm very proud and thankful for where I came from. But at the same time, you know, as you get older, you're like, wow, we do a lot of things just because we always did them. Yeah. And I think marriage is a beautiful thing. And the family dynamic is a healthy one. But sometimes

it's not for everyone. And I think more and more people are into, I mean, are into different things. I, last night, this is- What? No, I'm from Milwaukee, right? So I follow like local, like on Twitter, like local news. And one of the local news did this report about this very beautiful Iowa lawyer, 30 years old, who is a part-time prostitute in Nevada

married with a kid. She met her husband when she was a prostitute. She works at a brothel. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it's legal there? It's legal in Nevada. And it's like this well-organized... It's not like she's working

in the street. She's an absolute babe. She's a lawyer. she makes a lot of her husband uh-huh uh have a law practice together in iowa okay they have a kid together okay they're just extremely non-traditional and her argument is she's like it was the story because she's advocating for uh prostitution in a sense of like the shame that goes with it. Yeah, and legalizing it. And she's just like, there's consent, there's all these things. I can say yes, I can say no.

It's more empowering for the women. But you can't give me money and that's somehow illegal. And again, I'm not here to say whether I agree or disagree. It's just a fascinating alternative point of view. And so many things we do in life and the things we judge are often come from how we were raised. And listen, if you're very much people listening, your beliefs might tell you that's a sin

and that's not okay. And I'm not here to disagree with you. I'm watching and be like, this is my mind is blown right now into processes. And they asked the husband, it's like, what do you think of your wife being a prostitute? Which is like a really, almost seemingly offensive question. But part of the, you know, he do you think of your wife being a prostitute? Which is like a really almost seemingly offensive question.

But part of the, you know, he does any kind of looks and he's a, he looks really young, handsome guy. Just kind of like, I'll be honest. And he kind of like, I don't really care. And it was like, you know, listen, that's this who they are. I only say it's just like, if that works for them, I don't think I could be on board but that's what they are for and and they have each other and i i guess and we're just we're seeing more and more alternative lifestyles out there and i think the important thing is it's just you really have to be on the

same page with yeah it's all about communication laura like it feels bad to be feel like you're getting deceived or tricked into something from from laura's yeah point yeah but like the we don't know whether this is just has nothing to do with threesome or just like people looking to make friends yeah um but i love your message of trusting your gut because so many of us have learned to not trust our gut you gotta trust your gut yeah you really can't go wrong. I mean, your gut's not always right, but the gut always tells you to ask more questions.

And it's, you know, the people like, what's the difference between like trusting your gut and kind of leaning into your insecurities, right? Because like you can, the trust your gut or just being a paranoid person, there's a difference, right, if you're creating situations in your head yeah based off of very limited evidence then that that's your you're being paranoid if you're like looking for things and creating scenarios yes like but if you feel like you're ignoring things yeah if your gut tells you that something's there and

you keep making excuses for your gut that's when you should really pay attention to that. So are you making excuses for your, or are you creating things is kind of the way to help yourself through that. What's up, Ashley? How you doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm great.

I'm Nick. This is Rochelle. Hi. How can we help you, Ashley? Well, I grew up really religious, and part of that was the whole purity culture thing. Hell yeah. And always thought I wasn't going to have sex until I was married or same. Same. Even kiss until I was married. What? That was me too. I then I became not religious in my mid-20s.

And my first kiss was when I was like 25. And then the first time I had sex was when I was 28 with my now boyfriend. Okay. So along with that, all that religious stuff is I'm very inexperienced when it comes to sex and intimacy. And I'm a little worried about boring my boyfriend. You're worried about it. What would your – sorry, go ahead. You're worried about it?

Yeah, I'm worried about it. He hasn't said anything about it. But secretly, I'm just kind of insecure about it and worried that I might be boring. Well, that's very healthy. I think, uh, of you to admit your insecurity and a lot of people pretend things don't bother them and then they like project the shit out of it and it gets really weird. So good for you for admitting that. I think I always say that, uh, admitting your insecurity is it, it's one of the most confident things anyone can do. And it's a, you know, it's a very the most confident things anyone can do and it's a you know

it's a very attractive thing people are very attracted to people so you know what i'm really insecure about and then they say it and then it's like a real insecurity you know as opposed to like it'd be like what you don't want to do is be like tyler but you know i'm really secure about like i don't know my skin it's like i feel ugly today and everyone looks at tyler c and says like dude you're you're hot does he say that no i that? No. I'm saying when people set false self-deprecation. Yeah. Yeah. And making up insecurities to sound like you're good at insecurities is a great way of looking

insecure. I think I'm getting off topic here. But this is a real insecurity of yours. And it's sometimes hard to admit. I'm afraid my boyfriend thinks I'm boring in bed. Yeah. That's a real insecurity someone can yeah and to be able to admit that is a sign of confidence and so i think you should just use that as a starting point to be proud of yourself for being confident yeah um my second point is uh you know be aware of that and and don't create realities that in your head that aren't true in the real

world. Uh, if it is something you do wonder about, you could ask them, uh, start there. Uh, we just had a caller,

uh, you know, it's going to be a lot of same, similar things. Sex is tough to talk about in relationships. It's harder for people who aren't good at talking about it. But start slow. I mean, if you're going to be in a relationship with anyone, regardless if you're conservative or not, you should be able to communicate about sex.

Otherwise, it's really weird and unhealthy. You know, in the email she said she's never given a handjob or a blow job or tried any positions other than missionary so yeah that is the definition of vanilla yeah uh let me ask you this uh has your i mean what do you find do you think he has a high sex drive do you think he's wanna um i think so um the only time i think i kind of shot myself in the foot because the only time it ever came up like doing anything other than vanilla, he was like, well, we'll just be honest. I was on my period and he was like, well, we could do other things. Yeah. And I was like, what other things? thing and he was like uh you tell me and i was like i don't know but i was like too embarrassed to say like i don't know other things that's that's like that's really endearing i mean so cute um here this will make i relate to this hardcore yeah totally listen uh i i want i'm gonna i don't know your your boyfriend but i'm gonna safely assume i think that uh you really don't know your boyfriend, but I'm going to safely assume, I think, that you really don't have much to worry about.

And here's why I think that is. I think he has some awkwardness and insecurities about this stuff, too. On what I'm saying, you're not dating some sort of sex expert who has this built-up sexual experience that he just can't experience with you. Right. He might be, he might, he might be open, but he's not comfortable necessarily either. So don't worry about like him being super disappointed. I say that because if you were dating someone with a little bit more experience and a little bit more confidence and wanting more, guys have a way of like being like, well, that's not weird. Like, that's cool.

Like he's not comfortable either talking about that. So don't worry too much. There are plenty of, if, listen, if I were in that situation, I've had sex with my girlfriend on her period. I have. This, you know, and a lot of times, especially when I was younger, it was just, it had to do with not making my girlfriend feel like it was a dirty, it's like,

I don't find you very attractive. I don't, it doesn't, this doesn't bother me. And, you know, there were some times it's like, well, that's, I'm uncomfortable. It's okay. Well, if you're uncomfortable, that's fine, but I'm not uncomfortable. And then they're like, there's a, you know, this, this, it's all just about being comfortable. And so right now he, he's, he might not be sure if he's comfortable suggesting you could do other things because you're, you don't seem comfortable. And so what I'm saying is he's just, trust me, if he was more confident about sex, he would do better at that. And's not and that's okay what i'm saying is you don't have to worry about him like being like so disappointed that because he would probably be

better at communicating that with you so here again you have two people who aren't great at it per se so just be open with them and just ask maybe ask what like hey i'm i and you said you shot yourself in the foot like you it's not this is not a conversation you can't never have again you act like well i said this once there's no going back like you can you can bring it up i don't know why it has to be a conversation can't you just grab it and start going at it and try it she can yeah i'm all for that right but sometimes when that happens it can be really awkward because you've admitted that you don't know exactly what you're doing.

But you learn by doing. Also, you learn by talking. I don't know. Listen, I'm a big communicator. I find that to be really attractive and hot. And I said this on our last call. I think there's nothing wrong with talking about sex, especially when you're not like naked or having sex, like just talking about it.

Like when there's no stakes, right? When you're not vulnerable and naked or on your period and like, or he's just like naked and he's not hard. Like there's a lot of like vulnerability in that situation, even for two people who are dating. So have talk about sex when you're fully clothed and when you're, it's just like you're at dinner and you're just like, Hey, it's just like you're at dinner and you're just like, Hey, can I just, you know, I, I, I just felt a little uncomfortable and I

just want to know what you felt because like, I'm down to try more things, but like, I'm also like, you probably have more sexual experience with me. And it's kind of hot if I were a guy and my girlfriend was like, do you want to teach me some things i would be like check please you know like i mean seriously so i think he's my guess is he's trying to be respectful he doesn't as a guy i don't want to feel like i'm you know 2019 man i don't want i never felt this way but you know everyone's on high alert i never wanted to make my girlfriend feel uncomfortable I never wanted to make my girlfriend feel like I was putting in her position that she didn't want to be in and with when it comes to sex so if he's suggesting something and you kind of shoot it down then he

might be like okay I'm not I'm not bringing I don't want to be a freak again so similar to our last caller I think talk about it and just just yeah I mean let them know that like you know what i i uh there are because there are other things you can do when you're on your period there's plenty you do stuff for him he can still do stuff for you you can you can kind of you don't have to necessarily go like in the cave but you can like dabble around the outside of it or whatever you can go in the cave oh no maybe it's not a cave kid seems to be like a large hole opening um but you know what i'm saying like you can you don't have to you really there there doesn't have to be a mess so to speak i know i my first blow job was so bad i was so scared of

penises because i also grew up very religious and it was so bad that yeah he told me to stop sure that's my first it was so humiliating to me but like you just literally learn by doing it and getting more comfortable totally but a lot of it is like i'm somewhere along the line rochelle i'm assuming either a girlfriend or a guy friend you didn't just figure it out without someone no i think yeah i think at some point rochelle someone might have mentioned something some guy or there are great youtube videos about blowjobs that i would check out check out check them out too i just i want to keep encouraging communication with your partner uh is also yeah is also an option also yes check out youtube videos uh there's feminist porn out there who we had

talked about some previous episodes i mean also watch regular point if you want but if you want to like there's this feminist porn that i haven't seen it but my understanding it talks it's really like about actual what maybe real sex looks like and what women enjoy and maybe your partner and you watch it together it's not just about like gangbanging and weird fetishes yeah like most porn seems right and then you like you watch you're like oh jesus like does that was that what sex is that doesn't you know porn usually is not a great way to learn how to have sex yeah um i just think again keep talking about it um yes i mean both with men and women what i've learned is that you both they overdo it right if a guy's fingering a girl like i told you about my like high school the the the yeah the girl who taught me yeah how

to do that it was like less is more yeah just grab it you know and if you're if you're a girl well don't necessarily grab it it's not a thing you're supposed to yank around yank but grab like hold it touch it slowly gently yeah you know you gotta just kind of sure but don't overdo it you know sometimes people like to go in a little hot i overdid it everyone overdoes it right you don't have to and a lot of it has to do probably because they saw some porno and it was just like a lot of aggression slow steady gentle and a guy's a great one to show you how to do a hand job i feel like a guy's the best at that because he does it all the time totally right um nothing really nothing no one ever really can get it just just like no one knows you like you you know um oh but uh yeah listen i i i don't think you need to worry about it.

My guess is he's not overly disappointed. He might have wanted to do some things, but he's maybe just a guy, unless you feel otherwise and you're not sharing something, he's probably okay with it. And he probably would love to hear you talk about it. He just probably doesn't know how to, and he might be trying to respect your comfort level.

So kind of like give him a window. Let him know that you are open to it. Again, similar to our last caller, we have two people who just like don't know how to talk. I mentioned like, I think texting. And again, just find ways that you get more comfortable. But there is something about a couple being able to talk about it

and being on the same page and feeling comfortable. I mean, again, you know, this is a boyfriend-girlfriend situation. If it's a hookup, that's harder to do, right? If you are hooking up with someone. I just think, yeah, get those reps in. Get the, you know, you'll figure it out.

Definitely get the reps, but I think the best sex life, the best sex relationships are couples who can communicate about what they like and dislike. That they can talk about it with each other, especially even when they're not having sex. Because then when they do have sex, then you can kind of really talk more and be open about it and try new things. And no judgment, you know, you always want to never make the other person feel judged. Right. So, yeah.

I personally think that if you ask them, hey, listen, just tell them what you told us and be like, if there's some things you want to show me what you like, I am down. And I think he will be quite thrilled to hear that. Also, blowjobs don't have to be the whole shebang. You can just start a little bit, get in there a little bit, and then go back to your missionary.

Everyone's different, but yes, that's called foreplay. It's a little bit of an appetizer. You don't want to get full on bread, but yes, that's called foreplay. It's a little bit of an appetizer. You don't want to get full on bread, but sometimes bread's nice. No. You know, like.

Oh, God. Well, I'm just saying, you're right. No, it's good. You don't have to. You just try a little bit and then go back. Like, you know.

Because that is overwhelming to think about, like taking a load like your first. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's a lot.

You know what? You know, it's like three licks on the tessie pop you know um just uh give it a little uh yeah um but yes it just a lot of slow touching and and kind of feeling things out literally um yeah but i i i really encourage you to to i think if I, I mean, maybe I'm way off base.

I think your next conversation with your boyfriend, be like, hey, remember that one time? Yeah. That would be a good place to start. Yeah. And like,

I, and just admit, I am insecure about this. I don't have a lot of experience. So like, I'm, but I want to be more experienced and I want to try new things with you

and I want to do it with you. And so let's try it. Make sure he goes down on you too, girl. Don't make it. Yes. Yes. Get yours. Both ways.

Yeah, I don't think that, yeah. He's not right now, though. I mean, he offered to do things when, you know, yeah, I'm assuming he wants to do things. But, yes, it should be mutually beneficial for sure. She's frozen on the smile. She's just like thinking about him going down on her. Well, hopefully that was helpful.

But no judgment. There's nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't worry about like you had a slow start and you had lost your virginity at a certain age. It really doesn't matter. It's not a race. Just be able to be with someone you're comfortable with and start slowly talking about it. And I, again, I said this with our last caller, and I think it's worth repeating is use words like we and us and not you and

me and, you know, talk about what you guys can do together and never make the other person feel judged, um, is a great place to start because men can get really insecure about it too. As, as women. All right.

Yeah. All right. Well, that was helpful. Uh, good luck. Happy hump day. And,

uh, I hope it works out for you i think it's probably easier for guys right if if uh i wonder i don't know maybe i'm just thinking out loud here but if a if a guy meets a a girl and she's maybe more sexually experienced is it harder for her to be more open i just find that if a guy is pretty confident in his um sexuality and his uh experience that he and he's dating a girl with less experience he's he's good at he's he's good at talking about it yeah if i were in that situation and i suggested to her well we can do other things and she's like what i it, yeah. I would offer the suggestion.

Right, right, right. It sounds like he was like, oh, well, I'm just, I don't know. And to me, that sounds like someone who's all equally just not totally comfortable,

which is totally fine. So that's why I think she doesn't have to worry about him being overly disappointed. And I think like it's two people who still don't want to talk about it because I think plenty of guys would have been like,

well, let me show you. uh well you know um so it's amazing how many people it's like yeah sex is it's a it's not porn it's also you're not going to burn in hell i mean i don't think can't wait for our callers to get that one star burning in hell review um but there's in between of it's it can be it's in a relationship a very healthy and normal thing and we're just trying to normalize uh sex communication in a relationship uh get yours but make sure they get theirs but man if you're going in blind i'm mad like you're suggesting just doing your reps i get that no that's what i'm telling her what i did but don't get in a car put on a blindfold and put your you know foot on the gas you know because you're gonna crash in a few walls better to crash and

then get back it's not like you're gonna die get back on your feet try again totally but also maybe take the blindfold off and instead of like putting your foot on the gas, just start real slow. I know, but sometimes you just got to jump off the diving board, you know? Sure. But you run the risk of an awkward situation that sets you back that you didn't need to. Yeah. I'm just saying.

I'm down for communication. I'm not good at it. If you grab the dick and yank away. Not yank. He literally might be like, okay, like I love you and we can have sex, but please don't touch my dick. That hurt. I mean, that can happen.

Like if you don't know how to give a hand job. That literally has happened to me, but then you learn. Then I learn. It can be uncomfortable for guys. Same way if you have a guy who like is just cranking away down there, probably really uncomfortable,

I would imagine for you women. Yeah. So just let the other person know. Yeah. But yeah, get some, get some reps. I like that. Sexversation. That's what you're encouraging.

Sex. Did you make that up? Yeah. Sexversation. There we go. What's up, Bethany? How you doing? I'm good.

How are you? So good. Thanks for asking. Um, we obviously have Rochelle here. Hi, Bethany. I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Nick. Hi, I'm super excited.

Super excited. Super excited to be on your podcast. She spelled my name right on the email. Is that like a unique thing? Mm-hmm. No one gets to hear it? Rochelle? Rochelle?

Rochelle. Bethany, how can we help you? Okay. So my question, I'm not really sure how applicable it is now, but it was something that was really, really picking at me at the beginning of my relationship. And to kind of understand why there was shame and guilt around it, I also came from a very conservative Christian home where sex was reserved for the relationship between a man and wife. There's a lot of you out there. What? I said you're not alone, Bethany. You're not alone. No, no. It's a very and wife. There's a lot of you out there. What? I said, you're not alone, Bethany.

You're not alone. No, no. It's a very common thing. A lot of my friends, it's similar. And so around the age of 19, I was in a committed relationship and decided that it was a good time just to kind of explore my sexuality

because I felt comfortable with him. And I found out that kind of comparing notes with friends, I might have what you call an advanced sex drive, I guess. Tell us more. More than my friends. What do you mean by advanced? I mean, again, it's all relative, right? I mean, if all your friends are from your similar backgrounds, can't get enough.

Just if he's willing to give it, you're willing to take it kind of thing. Oh, no, no. I only in a committed relationship. No, I know. But in a committed relationship, I don't mean you're out there just whoring around, but like. Which there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it, whatever. We're not here to judge, but maybe whoring around is the wrong phrase.

Yeah. Whatever. Anyways. But yeah, pretty much. I'm pretty much down whenever. Down whenever. Great. That's kind of how it is.

All right. And what's your question? That sounds fine. Yeah. Okay. Well, that relationship, because I'm so young, I think that there started to be guilt and shame around the acupuncture because I really enjoyed it. From who? relationship eventually ended and not maybe not because of that but um that was a factor and so I decided for a time I would just close the door on that and focus on myself and figure all that being single until the after I graduated undergrad and um when I started grad school i had this summer of just nothingness and so when you're bored things happen and so i had very casual relationships with two guys

um at separate times and it was more of a hookup culture and i decided that wasn't really for me. Okay. And so moving to a completely new city, I knew no one. And I told myself, okay, that's a name. I was only 22 at the time, but I'm dating with an intention. So intentions to eventually end with a marriage or just a committed relationship. end with a marriage or just a committed relationship and I was taught that you want to build it on a solid foundation and maybe the fiscal wasn't a solid foundation so I was like okay you're not gonna do it um so I was on bumble to meet people and kind of learn more about the city that I just moved to and about three to two about three weeks into that process, I swiped right on my man. We had an amazing first date.

We really connected on an intellectual, spiritual. We had similar core values and beliefs. And he was hilarious, made me laugh. And I just enjoy spending time with him. I think the date lasted like five hours. And I went home. He dropped me off, was super respectful. We ended up not even kissing, though the chemistry was there.

And I was really proud of myself. I was like, way to go. Because all I want is that dick. I'm just kidding. Sorry. Where are we now? Where are we now? So because all I want is that dick. I'm just kidding. Sorry. Let's be real. Where are we now? Where are we now?

I guess what can we help you with, if anything? Well, I'm about to get there. I'm about to get there. Let's get there so we can get into the meat of it. Second date, we had sex. And after that, it was six to eight times a week. And on average, the couple is two to three. And so in the back of my mind, I was like, okay, is there actually substance in this relationship past the sex?

Like, he's still pursuing me. We were still dating. But was the euphoria of the act taking over um like long term i mean i yeah i don't have a specific answer for you i i think it's maybe important for me to take a step back and explain to your audience something about averages in the sense of averages don't mean that most people are necessarily doing that number averages mean you take a collection of a bunch of people and then you average those two together and when you have an average means there's a bunch of people on the spectrum it's average is different than the medium in terms of like what most couples and maybe that's two to

three i don't know but within an average you do have a lot of people having a ton of sex, and you have a lot of people having no sex, and then somewhere together, that's always what in the middle. So like this idea of comparing your relationship to the average, especially when it comes to like how much sex you're having is probably a fairly unhealthy exercise for any couple, whether you're having no sex or a lot of sex. As it relates to you and defining your relationship, I mean, again, I can't tell you how much sex you should have or anything like that, but from listening to your story, I think you seem to be someone who's, and how old are you now? I'm 23. Okay, so you're still pretty young, and you grew up in a conservative household, and that's great.

And again, we're not knocking that at all. Rochelle, both of us did that, and I'm guessing you probably still have a lot of those same values that you still live up by. But when it comes to your sex life, you've kind of branched out a little bit. But there's probably still some internal conflict of comparing how you were raised versus how does that fit in with your kind of new life and your sexual appetite, so to speak, and shame and judgment maybe coming from people you're dating or yourself probably mostly, or like, you know, what you're, what you think your parents would think if they knew all the things you were doing. So you're probably just putting too much emphasis on sex in general regardless of how much sex you're having just the idea of sex you're like you're you're probably making your relationship all about sex

one way or the other just because you've uh it's been such a conflict of what you were taught interestingly enough for people who like grew up in the purity culture they get you talk about sex a lot you just tell them not to fucking do it you know so it's a constant reminder of how an obsession about don't do sex you're signing contracts you're doing all these things so you're taught taught a lot about sex even sex becomes a big part of your life in terms of how to avoid it and now you're and now you're not avoiding it so now you're just like trying to find how how sex is fitting into relationship, I think you just kind of chill out about the whole sex part. You're still dating this guy, right?

Yes. Yeah, and you like him, and it's great? Oh, yeah. No, I love him. So it was kind of more of a question that I used to have, and I thought maybe there might be listeners. Yeah, totally. They're like, is there such thing as too much sex in a relationship?

I mean, it could be too much sex if one of you is just like, I can't give up, you know, then it's too much sex for them, and that is a possibility. I mean, that's the thing. We have this stereotype that guys always want sex and the girls don't want sex, and that might be a stereotype because that might be the norm, but that's certainly plenty of people. And again, at different points in the relationship, guys might,

their sexual drive might diminish. You know, you could be dating this guy and a year into relationship, he gets this new job, he's super stressed out and maybe he's just not, he's not feeling it. Right. And oftentimes in a relationship, women tend to feel like, you don't want to have sex with me. I mean, the hell you know i just remember for me growing up it was like when i wanted sex maybe we would get sex and when she wanted sex i better be ready to have sex because it was like wait you don't like whoa i'm the one who turns yeah and so that's not normal either i think sometimes that stereotype negatively affects especially young relationships or any relationship is that sometimes guys aren't into having sex and it's not about you, the women, that's why they don't want to have sex.

It has nothing to do with whether they're attracted to you or still don't want to have sex with you. There might be like, listen, you know, when we talk about like, is my boyfriend or girlfriend cheating on me? You know, one of the signs is they're not having sex with you. Sure. But that doesn't necessarily mean, and especially in terms of like, maybe the sexist dips a little bit. You're not doing it all the time. People tend to have more sex early in the honeymoon phase of when you're just like,

I can't get enough. And then it's kind of settles in, in terms of whatever your routine is. And that routine can change, right? You might go some time, but spending like, I do know, especially when I was younger too too all those like ancillary things in a relationship would be the i would you'd always like how much does it mean i love you you know like how much we have sex that tells me how much we love each other right that's not do we like the same tv shows we must really love you you know like all these things that you like or don't like or and other things that it was like a big competition i remember early on when i would have a girlfriend and my friends would have a girlfriend there was like this almost like we're more in love than they're in love and it's just like there's this

whole like how much we love each other and it was like none of that really means anything it's all just an excitement of being in love and measuring it it's just do you guys like each other do you respect each other uh and again what about the sex stuff, do you guys like each other? Do you respect each other? And again, what about the sex stuff? The sex will eventually like slow down a little bit, right? You might have, again, those ups and downs. And when you're not having a lot of sex, the really great relationships are the ones who still enjoy each other, have fun, communicate, are comfortable with being alone. You know, they don't get insecure if they're not necessarily having sex and have some free time. So there's so many different variables that go into healthy relationships. Sex is just one of them. And I, you know, someone who might be in your position

or wasn't your position or people listening, you know, there's a theme of this episode of putting so much pressure on what does it mean? What does our sex life mean to our relationship? Especially when you were told that it was something you shouldn't be doing? So sex is not – it's just one in sometimes small aspect of a long-term relationship, especially the longer ones. And another thing is it's also determining what – are you in love with someone or are you in love with someone? So that was another question that I was debating in my head. Like, okay, am I just in love? Are these feelings, they're so strong.

Is it love or is it lust? And so that was something that I had to really sift through as well. Something you figure out over time. I mean, you know, to joke about it if if you want to have sex with them way more than you ever want to talk to them there's a little bit more lust if you know like i joked last week that you know listen men and women both do it too but sometimes when you want to get laid you seem really interested in things you would never always be interested in like oh that's really interesting. Tell me about your favorite soap opera.

I'm so into it. Can we like, you know, guys will do that. And I'm sure women do it too. When you want something, you seem more open. And when you're not trying to get anything out of a situation, you're a little bit more honest about what you're into or not. So if you find that your decisions are all sex-driven, there's probably some lust involved there. And if you find that your

decisions in a relationship are more just about or are not about sex, then, you know, there's some sustainability there. But, I mean, I think people spend too much time trying to figure that you'll figure that out you know uh you don't have to necessarily figure out what your relationship is in the first few months right you don't have to define it you know we've been dating for 11 months now um so still have a lot to learn about each other yeah i mean and you know that feels probably like a really long time for you but it's not to be honest you know you don't really relationship but um we're actually now long distance so that's a completely different dynamic but even before the long distance happened

must be all horned up i'm sorry said you must be all horned up. Yeah, I know, but... But it was still like four to six. So it did go down as the relationship persisted, but that's still a good amount. I think you're doing great. Yeah, take it slow. I mean, I think, again again it's just things take time and i think we tend to try to rush things and we try to constantly uh try to figure out you know what this is is it worth it

and you just kind of we're always trying i think we're always trying to rush it's weird like in life we always seem to be in a rush to figure out the rest of our lives, which is kind of a weird when you think about it. It's like, you want to immediately figure out what the rest of your life is going to be like. And then once you do, it kind of gets boring. You don't want to really always, you never really want to figure out the rest of your life, you know, and that comes your love life. And sometimes things take time. I mean, you're young. And if this is your forever guy, enjoy the dating aspect. I mean, again, if this is for your ever guy, someday you'll live in the same city, I'm assuming.

You'll have a family and kids and do the whole picket fence thing. And that will get eventually mundane. And I'm not knocking that. I'm just saying right now there's excitement in maybe dating someone who it's tough long distance, but if you guys have a great relationship and you communicate

and you go out of the way to see each other in the free time, in the meantime, you have a lot of free time that you aren't going to have when he doesn't live in the same city.

You have the luxury of missing each other, which is really exciting. It's fun to miss people because then when you do see each other for someone with a strong sexual appetite, you're, wh appetite you're wow what a weekend um very much looking

forward to it yeah um so yeah don't don't always be in a rush to to figure out um the rest of your life the rest of your life is really a long fucking time um hopefully right Hope we're not dying tomorrow. Oh, no. I should knock on wood. Anyways, yeah, I hope that was helpful. We're kind of rambling a little bit, but yeah, there's no rule other than being on the same page. Yeah, it's okay to love sex as a woman. It's a great thing to love sex.

I think it's important on the flip side, if you are a woman with a high sex drive, just to not expect that your male partner should have to match that. He may not want to have sex as much as you. And that's also okay. All right. It works on both sides. Luckily, we're pretty equal equal and we're really good about communication because that's really important. But I love that y'all talk about how it's so important to communicate about sex. And so we're very open about that and have talked about, okay, yeah, so we do have a lot of sex how do you feel about it and um worked through it and um

kind of like compromised in certain situations but uh yeah thank you for taking the time to talk to me about it because it's cool to see your opinion on the fact well thanks for calling in we really appreciate it's been a It's been a fun day of how much sex should we or shouldn't we have. Sex-ver-cation? What is it? You already forgot. Oh, no. Sex-versation. Sex-versation. It doesn't really flow off the tongue,

to be honest. I like it. I like it. It's fine. I really love that it looks like she has a crucifix right on top of her head. It does. It's very ironic. All right. Well, thank you for calling in, Bethany. Best of luck with your relationship and to you in life.

It sounds like you're going to be just fine. Okay. Thank you so much. Have a great day. You too. Take care. What a great episode. I really enjoyed myself.

Fun. It's a little bit of a theme today. I like the cave, exploring outside the cave. The cave is kind of a, I don't know. I like caves. Not my best analogy. No, there's treasure outside. There's treasure outside to be found.

You never really know. Sometimes you don't have to go deep into the cave to find treasure. Wow. You do have good analogies. Yeah. Listen, we'll always talk about how important communication is yeah on this show uh but more so especially with sex people i i love sex it's great it's a great part of a relationship but it shouldn't define your relationship one way or the

other yeah because that's not a guarantee you know and sex can be confusing and i think we kind of take for granted that if you're in a relationship people are openly talking about sex and i think we've learned that a lot of couples even though they are married for so long don't know how to talk about sex i mean that's the thing if you if if you're not comfortable with it and you have two people who like think about it if you are i mean whatever it is if you have two people who don't like to travel and no one's like knows how to plan a trip you don't travel yeah right you if you have two people whatever it is if you're both so either either one person has to take the initiative to say you know what i'm gonna learn how to do this

or you or you hire out help you get a travel agent or you get a sex therapist like whatever you know what i'm saying yeah yeah um and that's okay but i think sometimes people just take take that for granted so let's uh let's not do that yeah once again don't forget to email at castmedia.com. That is A-S-K-N-I-C-K at K-A-S-T-M-E-D-I-A.com. I love it. So close. We all were wondering if I could get that. Yeah, we're on the edge of our seats.

How do you do it? We really appreciate it. We need your questions to keep doing these episodes. Thanks so much again for rating us five stars for those who did. I think you can change your rating, by the way, if you want to change it and improve it. It's up to you. And also, as always, thanks for sharing us on your social. It's very helpful in our growing our audience.

We really appreciate, especially you guys out there. We want your questions questions our 10 percenters thanks for emailing those in ladies out there introduce us to some of your guy friends yeah and stay tuned for wednesday we have dean on the podcast dean will be joining us i'm very nervous and excited rochelle has a huge i guess i have a huge crush on dean she guesses ever since we started this podcast she's like we're going through like potential guests well what about dean how about dean i mean should we get dean what do you think nick is this the time for dean should we do dean i don't know what do you think is it too much i don't know uh so yeah finally dean no i think it'd be great we'll talk a little obviously paradise uh we always hope

that our our interviews are a little bit different some than some of the other bachelor ones out there. I want to dive in the weeds of, of Dean Uglert, the traveler. Very complicated man. Dean Tick. Is he, who's more broken Dean or myself? No, don't.

Anyways, I really, Dean's a really great human and one of the more authentic and intelligent people to grace us on the TV of The Bachelor, I think. And we'll have him on Wednesday. Please tune in. Until next time. And that is Wednesday.

Have a great day.