The Viall Files - E412 Ask Nick - Can You Overshare Your Sex Life?

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode, we welcome our callers to answer their burning questions and to give insights into helping their relationships. Our first caller wonders if he is the fuckboy after getting different vibes from the women he’s going on dates with. He worries about the expectations he’s setting when with one girl it feels like a FWB situation while with someone else, it feels like dating. Now, he wonders if he knows what he wants, if he’s moving too fast, and how to avoid potential disconnects. Our next caller talks about getting close to a guy friend over the pandemic, to the point where they became inseparable. After her friend spoke about progressing the relationship into something more, our caller turned him down, resulting in him distancing himself and shutting down the friendship. Now our caller wonders how to get proper closure. Our last caller struggles emotionally after she feels that her friends were not supportive enough while she was dealing with and surviving cancer. Now, she wonders if she’s losing friends because of the natural process of getting older, or if her friends are completely insensitive to her situation and what she’s gone through.  “There is always a time in your life where it’s best to be selfish.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Noom: Start building better habits today. Sign up for your trial at http://www.Noom.com/Viall Vizzy: To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to http://www.VizzyHardSeltzer.com/Viall Away Travel: Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases at http://www.AwayTravel.com/Viall  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i hope you're having a wonderful day whether it's Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday Saturday, Sunday You missed Wednesday Hump day If it's Wednesday, turn it off Allie and Amanda are with me How are you ladies doing?

What's new? Drumroll please everybody Thank you Amanda That was the lamest drum roll in the whole world she gives me two taps i went on a date last night yeah how was that it was fun guys this is a big deal my love life was so sad it was like a sarah mclaughlin song i love sarah do you want us to make a big deal about it yeah i know i know i think you and i are like how do we you should be like we're so? Do you want us

to act like we don't believe it? Yes, you should be like, oh my god, we're so proud. Okay, okay, one more time, Allie. Okay, ready? I went on a date last night. What? No way. I thought you were incapable of love. I'm just kidding. Allie, on a date, it couldn't be.

It couldn't have possibly gone well. I would say it ain't so. You don't have to make it like an offensive thing. How did it go? It went't be. It couldn't have possibly gone well. It ain't so. You don't have to make it like an offensive thing. How did it go? It went well. Yeah, it was fun. How did you meet him? On Hinge.

Okay, where'd you go? We went to a Mexican place, and we went to an arcade. Dinner. We played games. Dinner? Mm-hmm. And do you like dinners on first dates? Or what about this guy thought you know what whole meal of food

i don't like dates but guess what whose advice i followed guess what i did before the first date you took my advice yeah what would i have done before a first date a zoom yeah a little facetime obviously you're not sending someone a zoom link before the first day i just think it's like that to me it makes such a difference between a Zoom versus a FaceTime. Maybe you don't want to give out your number. I don't know. Just saying. If I was on a dating app and someone was like, let's FaceTime before a date.

And if I were super into her and she was like, listen. I'm only Zooming. I'm only Zooming. I don't want to give out my number. I'm like, okay, fine. I don't have an issue with that. I'm just, who's only Zooming out here? It's one of those things like you have a 40 minute limit

it's a little like skeptical like you know and then it would be something if we work out i'd be like remember the time you sent me a zoom but then it's also funny because it's like one person's the host and then you get a lot of power you can mute the other person send them to a breakout room i carded natalie when i I FaceTimed her on Snapchat. I've mentioned this story. Because, like, she randomly DM'd me and for all I know,

like, she was a catfish. You carded her? Yeah. Like, she's like, let's, and I was like, I FaceTimed her on Snapchat. Uh-huh. Because you can do that.

Okay. And then I had, I've told this story, and I had. Had it up on the ceiling. I had it up the ceiling and I'm like, show me your ID. Because it was like, I've told this story, and I had. Had it up on the ceiling. I had it up the ceiling. Yeah. And I'm like, show me your ID.

Because it was like, you might not be, you know, like her, her Instagram had like at the time, like, I think like 30 pictures, which isn't like, it really depends on who you are. But like, it's not that hard for a catfish to find 30 pictures of someone else. Like some model. Of some like model and and i was just like you id'd her that's so funny yeah i was like i just want to know you're a real person nick on their wedding day can i see i don't know if i would show you my id like if

someone was like show me your id right off the bat i would be like worried that there was some kind of data scam also that's true but i guess you had like you had the followers so it was like it was one of those things where i was just like fine yeah i was uh i'm just a cautious dater too like i was meeting people online i think there's just a lot of people pretending to be other people and and stuff like that and i would just rather at the risk and my point of bringing that up is, she could have easily thought I was weird. Totally. You know, and I didn't care

because I didn't know who the fuck she was or even if she was real. And at that moment, it was, I don't care what this stranger thinks about me. I would rather just know I'm actually talking to someone and they're a real person. You've got to watch your back on the internet. And it gave me peace of mind to be like, oh, now I can talk to you.

It's an okay thing, you know? And because also the reason why I did it too is like I, you know, to the story, like I had FaceTimed someone who then screenshotted that we were FaceTiming. And then they later on sold it as like we're good friends and like Nick FaceTimes me but like I FaceTime them once to answer a question I knew who they were but I didn't really have that much of a relationship with them and they ended up being someone like that just told a bunch a lot they were like refer to me about someone else's like this but you know I'm saying so it was just like I don't even know like

carding them like heart at the mom because it's like you could be like oh I facetimed her like it's she she answered it's her but I like wanted to know like was that a real name you know what I'm saying like it just I was hyper paranoid for sure how was the day I didn't card him but it went well regardless how did it end we're gonna go on another one when i'm back from new york yeah i hosted a seder on saturday so i had 13 people at my house i'm a terrible cook like i really like and for the people who don't know what a seder is oh yeah thank you so much okay so a seder is a traditional meal for passover it is my favorite holiday because it's so it's like community theater. Like you,

you like the whole idea is that like Thanksgiving for Jewish people. Totally. And like with the component of like telling the story about like being slaves in Egypt and then being freed, et cetera. And so you tell it in like a first person, like we narrative and like there's like it's there's a Seder plate that has a bunch of different food items and each one has an explanation it's all very like metaphorical um and then there's like the four children like the wise it's like do you cast this so i found this like so the hagata is like the book that you would read to like go through the seder and i found one i found an atheist feminist uh vegetarian hagata hellah to read through with friends and because I was running the show we skipped whatever I wanted to skip because I was like it was a lot

of people's first satyrs everyone's being such a good sport like participating and so I was like all Jewish people not at all not at all there were like maybe four Jews out of the 13 of us like it was a lot of people it was like very multi-faith as an event but everybody was like such a good sport about it and it was a lot of like new friends from improv. And it just like felt very much like it was the first time I'd seen my own kitchen in like the post-holiday state, you know, where it's like, you're running the dishwasher, the leftovers are put away, but like the countertop is still dirty. You've got the wine glasses out. Cause you're going to do them in the morning. Like kind of like that, like holiday ask thing that I always associate with like,

like my parents or my grandparents, like a real household. And it was crazy for me being like, wow, I was the one who hosted the holiday. Indulging. Wow. Yeah. Doing the thing. Nicely done. It rocked.

It worked. You also get four glasses of wine during the Seder. Everyone. I wasn't invited. I didn't because I was cooking and I was like, I didn't eat anything for a while. But it's like part of the prop. Yeah. It rocks.

Four glasses of wine. Doesn't it? It's a fun holiday, people. How specific. It's very specific, very niche. I feel like Catholics on Easter would probably do the same. Yeah, it's just that it's a thing. Have you ever been to a Seder, Nick?

No. I'll invite you to my Seder next year. I'd be down to go. I've never been to any Jewish holiday. Okay. I actually haven't been to any non-Christian holiday. I don't know what that says about me, but I'd totally be down.

Well, I feel like people don't... I think a lot of people aren't participating in religiosity, at least in my sphere, as much as they were before. So it kind of makes sense to, like, you would have friends of all different religions, but it doesn't necessarily mean you'd participate in a religious practice. But I guess it would make sense like because i would i would definitely be

interested in coming as an observer and a participator of someone who's like not a believer some people don't want that energy in their celebration so and that's totally fine too you have to like what you kind of hosted this kind of welcoming, like, I want to do this, but all are welcome kind of event. So yeah, I'd be down. You can go to my kids' bar mitzvah. I've never, I'm not getting invited to any of these things.

You can come to my kids' bar mitzvah. Everyone can come to my kids' bar mitzvah. No, we're actively not inviting. I've never been to one. 14 years, okay, let me do the math she's pregnant we're trying to create a like this is my way of announcing we're trying to create like uh you we're trying to give you a fan club ally we're like ally and i are just gonna like

low-key bully you and ignore you and i am and i so that there's a part of our audience that feels sorry for you like why do you think that's a part of our audience that feels sorry for you. Like, why do you guys always do that? Nick, that's a crazy thing to say. I'm so relatable. I'm so sad. People love Allie. You're beloved. You're beloved in the DMs. The best thing I ever said on this podcast was the LAX dog peeing situation.

I will never top that. That's not true. Everybody has a good pee story. Everyone has a good pee story. That wasn't the most exciting thing you have to say. What's not true is you won good p story everyone has a good p story that wasn't the most exciting thing you have to say well what's not what's not true is you won't top that i believe that you will thank you we have a great episode for you today uh i do want to announce on this show that i want to manifest getting harry styles on this podcast please and and i think it's

possible like i don't think it's possible anytime soon. We're playing the long game. We're playing the long game. I feel like if we just kind of say it enough. But here's why I think it's possible. What I noticed,

well, seeing Harry Styles in concert, is like, again, this is an insanely empathetic man that has a very intimate relationship with his women audience and i think unique to i think in a more unique way than say other like male celebrities who obviously have a strong passionate women audience like it's more like he you can see i feel like this deliberate attempt by the by harry to not only have women be fans of him but to connect with the women he's you know does that make sense i also feel like

his like the his masculinity i personally find like so non-confrontational but so hot yeah no i love everything about it and i feel like i mean he's welcome to come on any of our shows but i feel like not only would harry thrive i think he would be into an astnick episode like we have this show and i'm like i'm not trying to compare myself to harry styles but like you know we have like millions of people who listen to this podcast every month, many of them are women. And I'm aware of that. And I feel a sense of pride and responsibility. I feel like you have kind of a girl dad energy about it.

Yeah, I don't take it for granted. And I feel like Harry doesn't take his audience for granted. And I feel like he would be, if the right situation presented himself, I feel like it would doesn't take his audience for granted and i feel like he would be if the right situation presented himself i feel like it would pique his curiosity also just a couple other parallels again i think i think he's watched the bat i think he's a bachelor fan i think there might be a curiosity there we both did sleep stories for calm that's i mean I'm reaching at this point. But like, you can listen to me read you Sleeping Beauty and you can listen to Harry. Is that a thing?

Yeah. Where can I find that? Ellie, how do you want to hear? We listen to Nick's voice. No, I fall asleep. So much. We need respect. I've fallen asleep to Nick's voice before.

I would rather have it be something new and exciting. Fall asleep and fall in love with the dreamy voice of Harry Styles. Yeah, someday. I think it's possible. I feel like we have the type of show that might pique his curiosity. And I feel like if enough fans slide into Harry, someday he'll be like... So it's a call to action. No, I don't need...

Slide into his DMs. I don't want everyone harassing Harry. Yeah, because we're playing the long game. You don't want to start the public version of this campaign yet. But I just want to put it... Plant the seed. Yeah. In a tactful way,

we just hope that Harry someday becomes aware of what we're doing and and might i think he'd be you know justin long kind of type of like empathy with i think he would thrive i think it would be and if i'm if i was pitching his manager and pr be like how could this be bad for harry's brand you know having some, you know, we can, we usually have women calling in. We love, we always want and love when their men call in.

We love it when women call in too. If we told people that. Yeah, we always, did that sound like we didn't? I just feel like, I feel like you were like, we really love the men. No, I just want to make it seem.

I don't want the women to feel taken for granted. No, no, we, we love, we love the women but when when the occasional guy wouldn't say we we appreciate them too but we would probably have an all maybe we'll have a throw in a guy i don't know i don't know who would be calling in we would have like thousands of people that would i think he would just be so good i feel like could you imagine Harry talking about fuckboys and situationships and empowering this audience and coming from Harry Styles? I feel like, how could that? I'm determined.

And I always get asked in interviews, who's your dream podcast guest? And I always have a hard time answering that. Now it's Harry Styles. Because I have a man crush also on Brad Pitt, but as much as I would love to have Brad Pitt on but I don't know if this is Brad Pitt's vibe I don't know if he would be all that interested in talking about the topics we talk about on the show but I think Harry might I think that's kind of the interesting thing about Ask Nick though is that I think it's inherently like pretty endearing and pretty intimate to see someone show like empathy for a stranger and do their real best attempt at advice because like

you get to see the their full emotional intelligence when they're it's not applied to their own life with their own biases and so i think there's like the more i think i like at first i was like what would brad pitt do when i asked me i was like it would probably be sweet honestly it'd probably with most people it would probably be really sweet he just might not be interested because i feel like certain people like like i i do think i'm good at what i do right like and i and i you know what i'm saying like i i always say how often that i'm not an expert and i'm not a therapist but like i i i the way i answer people's questions i i do it with a sense of responsibility and thoughtfulness, you know, like I'm not like a cavalier about it. And maybe someone like Brad Pitt is just like, I'm not comfortable in a way because like, I just don't, I'm not used to giving people my opinion.

And maybe my opinion isn't like the right thing to say. I don't know. And I would actually think that would be like, that would be a great thing. Cause he's like, I don't know and I would actually think that would be and that like that would be a great thing because he's like I don't know I just I'm not into it like I've as I've thought about like this like this show and why I like doing this and why we talk about the topics we talk about is that like I've always kind of on some level my whole life enjoyed girl talk I've plenty of like traditional like male qualities of things i'm interested in but i've always enjoyed having women friends and talking about relationships and feelings and and and drama like when i'm being honest with myself i'm like i've kind of always been into that yeah and i feel like harry is is we're like-minded in that way like i've always

been very comfortable around women i think it's partly like my relationship with my mom and my sisters and things like that where like other guy friends i've had and i'm also comfortable with men i have a lot of guy friends but like i realize that like i and that's not this you know i hope this doesn't sound like pretentious i'm just like comfortable with it and i guess that leads to like why do why do i host a podcast where i talk about this you strike me as a man who people would feel comfortable to ask to buy tampons, no hesitation. Yeah. And, like, I feel the same way about Harry Styles.

Like, it would not be a big deal. It's not a thing. At all. It's just a human thing. Are guys weird about that still? Occasionally. Or just, like, even just, like, a little bit, not even, like, weird, like, I won't do it, but just, like, a little bit, like, embarrassed about the idea.

Or, like, kind of, like, I don't know i have an iud so i remember one time i was like oh i was talking to someone another woman of like not feeling good and i was like oh but i remembered it's like almost that time of the month and a guy walked in her husband walked in and was like can we leave this conversation in the sorority house ladies like he did like not want to talk about periods whatsoever. Yeah, I guess I've always been comfortable. Like, and more like I just didn't, it just was a thing that happens. Anyway, this is all to say, someday, I think it's possible. I don't know when.

Start manifesting. I don't know how long, but I'm just putting it out there in the world. We have a great week lined up for you. We have Clayton Eckhart and maybe Susie will pop in. Also, Kale Lowry will be with us in studio. Clayton's going to zoom in, and we'll talk about whatever it is going on in the world. And then on Wednesday, we have legendary Josh Peck

talk about his new book in life, and he'll be with us to also commentate on world events, pop culture. Anything else before we get to our callers?

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slash subscribe that's VizzyHardSellSeller.com slash subscribe must be's VizzyHardSeltzer.com slash subscribe. Must be 21 years or older. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jack 29. Well, how can. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jack, 29. Well, how can I help, Jack? Okay, well, a couple months ago,

met a girl on Hinge, then DM'd her on Instagram, met at a bar, kind of had a friends with benefits thing going. I was upfront early that I didn't really want a relationship, just wanted something casual. It was going great. She was about it. We'd see each other about once a week. I don't think either of us thought for anything. It wasn't about maybe a month after I met her,

I met a different girl in a bar and we hit it off immediately. hung out for a couple hours that night, hung out the next night, hung out later that week. It was a way different connection than I had with Dana, who was the Friends of Benefit. Jen was the new girl I met who I had kind of the instantaneous connection with. That kind of went on for about a month i was seeing uh dana the friends with benefit while i was seeing jen i wasn't having sex with jen um which was interesting it wasn't it wasn't something that bothered me but it was kind of new for me i guess um and so dana the hookup buddy right and and and and Jen was this girl, you had this kind of call it spark instant connection and you just hung out and got to know each other.

Right. It was so interesting about Jen was like, I didn't really, it didn't bother me that not that it should bother me that we're not having sex, but like, it was just one of those. You weren't used to it. Right. Exactly. While all that was going on, I, I got to the point where about a month into hanging out with Jen, I kind of saw a night where there was a good chance we were all going to be at the same bar together.

And I figured one way or another, that would probably be bad if I didn't have a conversation with everyone before that. It seems like this one night of potentially everyone running into each other was like, hey, all right, I need to have these conversations. But, and there's nothing wrong with it, but like while this month of getting to know Jen and hooking up with Dana, prior to that, were you starting to thinking your head? Am I getting to a point where maybe I need to like stop this hookup thing because I'm actually like starting to like this person.

Like what was your, or was it just like, I don't, I'd rather just face it rather than get caught in a, like a, uh, awkward situation. Yeah.

I mean, I was getting to the point with Jen where I really just wanted to date her and be in a relationship with her at that point. But part of it was why I felt like I needed to have these conversations is I didn't know for sure if Dana felt like she had feelings or anything or maybe

she did want more. And I didn't want it to be a thing where we all ran into each other at a bar and it was a disaster and everyone was unhappy with how it turned out. Sure. I would have rather done it on terms that I guess weren't in a bar. Yeah, I respect that. I texted Dana.

I probably I should have done it in person. I would rather done it in person. It was kind of like the day before when I like kind of had this epiphany. And so I texted her. Then we talked on the phone for 10 minutes. It was a little bit icy, but I felt, I feel like, I mean, we're at a, we're at a good spot now. We don't like what'd you say to her?

Part of it was my wording wasn't great. It kind of made me feel scummy, which is part of the reason I wanted to get other people's opinion on this is I pretty much mentioned maybe I was overly transparent that I was going to be at this bar with this other girl that I'm seeing and I wanted to figure out where your head is at with with us and if we're cool with being friends with benefits going forward and she didn't really like that and honestly I kind of get why she didn't like it um it's probably probably a weird thing to hear like this guy's gonna be at another bar you're gonna be at and

i don't know it's weird but the only thing that i would nitpick with how you said it is you were still opening open to continuing the friends with benefits right because it sounded like it's like i would understand it's like listen we had this you know you set up for an expectations with her when you first met i'm not looking for anything serious for whatever reason that you decided that and and then you met this person who caught you off guard you started liking them you're hanging out but like you're now you're at this point of kind of compromise like like what do you what do you want like do you want to date this uh jen girl well

that there's a little too well i guess we can just get to that part so this didn't surprise me but two days after i had this conversation with with uh dana jen texted me and said that she wasn't emotionally in it right now um she just didn't i think she was she said she was fresh off a breakup when we met and wasn't even trying to date and said that month we had we were hanging out a lot she didn't expect at all and this didn't surprise me at all either but you had and you had never still hadn't hooked up with jen right gotcha but that text didn't surprise me because she had been kind of distant. You kind of felt it a little bit. Yeah.

And so... Had you been hooking up with Jen, we could have called it like a fuckboy circle. You know, like Jen... Right. For sure. And that's a big one of my questions is I wanted to know if even though I was... So while I was hooking up with Dana, did I owe it to Jen I was so while I was hooking up with Dana did I owe it to Jen to tell her that I was hooking up with someone else even though I mean we would like make out but we

weren't like yeah I don't know if you're just like hanging out and not people have different kind of expectations and rules on this personal role so I don't think there's a clear answer I think listen the the righteous thing to do if you're physically active with two different people is at a minimum to like wear protection and right and and certainly be honest when they ask some people don't like to know though that is a real thing i mean i've been accused of oversharing in my life and it's just yeah, I didn't really need to do that. And when I was, when I was dating and, and, and not in a relationship, like, you know, um, it was always important to practice safe sex, but like, you know, it's not, not, not everyone. I always was surprised by a lot of, of like women out there who also like, you'd bust out a condom and be like, oh, condom.

And I'd be like, I was really disappointed by your reaction to like'd bust out a condom and be like oh condom and i'd be like i was really disappointed by your reaction to like me bringing out a condom it's like okay now i'm now i'm wearing two you know it's like it's like so i don't think you did anything wrong there i i'm curious and the thing about dating now is i'm what i'm curious, what was it about Dana that made you say, I'm not looking for anything serious right now? And then what was it about this other girl that made you kind of want to, you know, consider taking it serious? It's interesting because I've probably, like when I met Dana, I would have told pretty much anyone that I wasn't looking for a relationship right now. That's what I'm saying. So it was something about Jen that kind of took you off the hook.

Yeah, it was like this. She reminded me of where I'm from. She had this kind of wholesomeness that I'm in a pretty big West Coast city. And it was just she had a wholesomeness that was unlike any woman i've met here and it really stuck out to me and it was like it was like i was just hanging out with a friend from back home and i'm from like a small town in the country and she was just really easy going really fun to talk to super i mean we could do anything together and have fun it was just like a great friendship at the very least and like we're we're still friends like we went we went on a uh hike thing uh last

week but i mean it's cool it's not i don't see it for anything it's not that's kind of an interesting story i feel like she's possibly bread bread crumbing me a little bit but i mean it's not something yeah she's uh you've if if what she's saying is true she just got out of a relationship who knows how long it was maybe she got fucked up a little bit she met you you have fun you're not sexually active with each other and up until this point you've been cool with like becoming a friend and yeah like you're a handsome guy and i'm sure she finds you attractive to a certain degree like the question is like everyone has makes an exceptions to certain things right like you know it's kind of like you're dana to her right right like a good

look you know someone you're like, yeah, attractive and you're hooking up with and you like, but you just have the mindset of kind of being single. And, and this Jill girl got out of this relationship, has the mindset of being single, met you and you're like cool to hang out with, but you're not,

you're not making her want to make, you're not, you're not making her want to make you're not making her want to make an exception for this kind of boundaries she's set for herself right now, which is like, right now, my priority is being single, right? Because right now, they're both in the picture, yeah? Dana isn't. I mean, like,

I sent her an Instagram DM about her story the other day, but it was just a one message thing. So the hookup thing is done. Right. And that because she was just like you know i know too much now and well looking up that friday like i i was i want i was down to keep it going but i knew going in it was probably more likely than not it didn't keep going so it was it was just okay i mean it's it wasn't i didn't i didn't want to jeopardize the chance of a future with Jen. So what's your question? Like how to move forward with Jen? Yeah. Well, no, I just think in these situations, like, can you be overly

transparent? Like, cause I, that's something I think I've been accused of in the past. And like, I think dating, it's good to be super transparent, but I just wonder if, if you, I mean, I think you can be too transparent. Sure. Can you be too transparent? Of course. Were you? I don't think so. And I would rather be accused of oversharing than lying or being deceitful or hiding.

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That's awaytravel.com slash V-I-A-L-L. at awaytravel.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's awaytravel.com slash V-I-A-L-L. When people accuse you of oversharing, they're accusing you of sharing information that they didn't like to hear. And usually that information they didn't like to hear is something that's triggering their ego. And if I'm Dana, yeah, I've been like,

fuck, you're just telling me that you like someone better than me. You know, that's what you're telling her. And even if she wasn't obsessed with you, no one likes to hear that, right? It's just like, hey, by the way, I think someone's more attractive than you. Hey, you know, like, you're okay.

But someone else, you know, it's... And so when you say that, they don't't like it and then they can accuse you of oversharing but it's probably something she needed to hear right now she maybe got annoyed or frustrated her ego was triggered and now she is free of you and now you're not hanging out and maybe she's like a little frustrated and kind of like rolling her eyes and now she's not in a situationship with you because had you not met Jill there's a chance you could have like been hooking up maybe she slowly developed feelings and meanwhile you're that hey I told you I wasn't looking at anything serious and neither of you

really checked in so you're operating under this um hey I told you I didn't want anything serious I set these expectations you've never challenged me on these expectations. You never brought anything up because she's like, she's reading into all the things you guys are doing and she's telling your friends, but like we did this and we did that. And like, oh, he likes you, girl.

And you're thinking, I told you I didn't want anything serious. And then it gets into this like situationship and someone's feelings get hurt. You know what I'm saying? So me personally, I don't know if everyone agrees i think it's i think it's better to be communicative and at the risk of oversharing because nothing you're not like oversharing like what did you say you just were up front and sometimes things are hard to hear

that doesn't mean you're oversharing they might accuse you of it in the moment but that's because their ego is triggered and they're like i didn't need to hear that but you just were trying to be honest you know what i'm saying like that's my general point of view unless you run into someone who sets an expectation of like i don't need to know right you know hey great going forward we're gonna hook up if do your thing i don't want an update you know if they set that expectation then then fine but if if they don't you have the right to say i don't do you want me to share this stuff with you you know like maybe if one thing you could do is ask a you know vaguely hey i know we mentioned we're just kind of hooking up and this is casual, but like, I'm assuming you're still dating.

I'm still dating. Do you want me to tell you if I go on dates or if I hook up with someone, like what are your, what's that expectation? Like that would be an easier way to get an answer about what they want without waiting until something happens and then dropping this truth that might trigger their ego. Does that make sense?

Yeah. So like that's one adjustment you could do, is just ask about what they want if something happens. And ideally do it before something happens. Right. It's hard because I kind of pride myself on, I like to always end things on good terms, but it's a tough thing to deal with sometimes.

Yeah, you can't. Unfortunately, you can't. And also, they'll get over it. If you were respectful, if all you were was honest and it triggered their ego a little bit, they'll get over it. As long as you didn't do anything rude or cruel or mean. In my experience, and I get two women in this room,

I feel like women hate feeling used and lied to way more than they hate their ego being bruised. It doesn't mean they like their ego being bruised. It doesn't mean they like rejection, but they can get over that because we all can get over that. But like feeling manipulated and used

and let on is something that hurts a little bit more and leaves a little bit more of of like a collateral damage so to speak so i have a question about how you think i should move forward with jen so based on stop hanging out with her yeah i was gonna say based on your past i i've listened to ask nick a lot and appreciate it i i would i would guess that you would tell me to tell her that i have plenty of friends i don't need another friend some version of that does she know you like her yeah yeah she after she texted me we talked for like 10 minutes exchanged a couple like heartfelt texts and then that was pretty much it yeah i think

you you kind of already said it if she i don't think you should reach out to hang out with her at all in this situation what you have the benefit of is she's told you what she wanted so now if she wants to hang out with you you remind her what she wants she told you which is you know you're you're working on getting over your relationship and you're not ready for this right now and that's just kind of how i see you and i think you're great and any guy would be lucky to have you but yeah like i don't know if i want to be just your pal and so if if things change for you and you want to like try it give me a call and otherwise like i think you're amazing and um you know i hope to hear from you yeah like i texted her a week after we had our

conversation about going on a hike and then we did that and then now i just feel like there's not really any point to text her again and just kind of let the chips fall absolutely not not because even if she reaches out to you when you like if you go hiking again you become her hiking buddy and you become the guy she can reach out to anytime she's bored if you go hiking again you become her hiking buddy and you become the guy she can reach out to anytime she's bored she will see you less and less as boyfriend material a potential option she will just see you as someone who's available to her and subconsciously she'll start using it she'll be the fuck boy and in that situation because it's you know you know you're not hooking up but in the sense that, you will be allowing her to use you at her convenience for companionship and when she's

feeling lonely and you want to sit, you want her to look at you as someone who, you know, only gives their time to people they want to prioritize, isn't always available, is sought after by other women, you know? So yeah, I think you should get back out there and, and meet new people, maybe find a new hookup buddy, you know, if, if that's just the kind of what you're feeling, you know, and just be upfront like you are. And, you know, she'll, she'll, if she's interested in dating you, she'll circle back. And if not, you just let her go. Yeah. It's interesting. I, I didn't think back. And if not, you just let her go. Yeah, it's interesting. I didn't think I wanted anything more than a hookup.

And then she's actually the first girl I've gotten to the point where I wanted to date in about four years. So it's been kind of enlightening. I hear you. And it's one of those things that you get excited, then you're bummed if it's not reciprocated. And I get the whole feels like home thing but it's a nice thing but there's so much more to compatibility than someone whom right you know like and maybe just be a little bit more open-minded to

maybe don't hook up with people so quickly i mean i don't care if you do you know what i'm saying but like i think you're going into these you're you're kind of like i want to be i mean i don't care if you do you know what i'm saying but like i think you're going into these you're you're kind of like i want to be up front i don't want to be accused of leading anyone on so i'm just gonna be like hey listen i'm not looking for anything serious right now and it's kind of something a fuck boy kind of says even though you're you are being honest so like good for you but if you go on a date maybe just slow it down and like having sex early on does change how people get to know each other it does you know it takes a little bit of a mystery out of it you're just like see what it's like they're they're i think there is also something to be said about the fact that

you didn't sleep with this jill person you know totally you started liking her. So just for yourself, see what it's like to like go on a date, vibe with someone and play it slow. I mean, you've tried the go on a date, like someone have sex in the first couple of dates thing, and then say, Hey, you want to like keep having the sex. It's pretty good. And you've done that for four years and just try something new see what happens you know i'm curious if you um find yourself a little bit more curious curious about some of these women you're going on dates with and you're going to eventually most of these women find out they're still not your person but i'm i'm really pay attention to your curiosity about these women you're going on dates with. Right.

Like, are you, do you find yourself a little bit more anxious to go on a third date with this girl? Even though you're still like, I don't know. First day was okay. Second day was pretty good. But like,

yeah, I don't know. I still want to go because you haven't hooked up with him yet. I'm really, I'm curious of how you'll feel. Right. I'm excited to try it out. All right, buddy. All right. Well, let us know. I'm curious of how you'll feel. Right. I'm excited to try it out. All right, buddy. All right. Well, let us know. I'm curious. And thanks for calling in.

Sounds good. Thanks, Nick. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? I'm good. My name is Bridget. I'm 25 years old. How can I help, Bridget? So there's something that's been on my mind for a while, and I thought I'd gotten past it, but it's kind of like you push it to the back of your mind,

but it's still there, and you're like, I'll deal with it later. So basically, I have this best friend back home, so I moved away from home, and we've had a lot of history. He's liked me a few times, and every time I told myself, like, no, I don't see it um and then

so what happened was i moved away this friend is a guy that yes okay yeah so his name is toby just for if i ever reference him we got really close during covid i'm sure as everyone else did but it was like we were inseparable and I totally know I created very attack like bad attachment in like a I can't see myself apart from him type of way and I just knew I needed to get space from it because I just wasn't seeing it clearly I don't know it's confusing you know I'm curious is it because you had already told yourself early on that like you weren't into him and then you got close to him and you felt like too close like was there anything about how you got close that felt unhealthy or anything like that or you just you just spent a lot of time together and and and

grew connected i've probably been of both like i just the codependency was just a lot and it was why do you think it was codependency versus two people just connecting probably because i just could not see myself do anything without him and it was just too much okay it was like I always depended on like everything I would do I would think about how it affected him and I was just kind of losing a sense of self too so it was just a lot but when you said everything I would do so were you you were just considering his feelings? So like what I'm saying is, were you considering doing things for yourself

and not doing those things out of fear of how it would affect him? Or, you know what I'm saying? Or was it just, you found yourself always wanted to hang out, to hang out with him and that bothered you for whatever reason, and you separated.

Which one is... Probably the latter. The latter, okay. Yeah. To me, that just sounds like someone you like. And again, I'm not a therapist, and I'm not an expert in attachment styles or codependency, but to me, it sounds like you're describing someone

you just enjoy being around, which is kind of a nice thing and hard to find. And is it because, you know, we talked about the spark, and we had a caller before who, you know, different story, but referenced this kind of initial excitement about meeting someone, and you didn't have this with this friend, it developed and is knowing that it had to develop what bothers you about it? I don't know.

Okay. That's okay. So what are you debating? Like, what are you struggling with right now? During COVID he confessed his feelings and then I kind of like toned it down. I was like, no, like we're just kind of maybe we're always with each other. So I think that's why we like each other. And then I was moving away. And so I moved away and then we tried to

stay in touch. And then I think I didn't realize how much it affected him because I moved away. I was experiencing new things, making new new friends so I kind of fell off the map a bit and then he kind of ghosted me in a sense if I were to put into well it sounds like he just kind of moved on well yeah but to me it was like we had this strong connection that and then I reached out to him because I was going through some personal things and he just wasn't there and so that kind of hurt me yeah I I'm uh I'm team him on that one though he you know like you said you you're he confessed his feelings you said no you know at that point the friend there's not the friendship is it's not a right? He wasn't able to be your friend anymore. And he wanted to be there for you in the context of a romantic relationship, which he has a right to

ask for. And you have a right to say no. And you tried to have your cake and eat it too. You went through something and you resorted back to someone who made you feel safe and comfortable and well how far like how far away from you guys how far away from each other are you guys three hour difference so he's okay three hours ahead oh three hours ahead yeah so he's across the country yeah he's on the other side of the country oh okay so that makes it harder do you have any plans on moving home or or like put it this way would you is that what's really stopping you or is that just a big inconvenience a little bit of both so little like when he told me he liked me i really thought of like why don't i want to be

with him obviously he's the important person in my life. And it was just little things like I felt like I was babying him and helping him and I was okay doing that as a best friend. But in a romantic partner, I just couldn't, I didn't want to be the mother. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. So you felt like he might, wasn't maybe as self-sufficient or didn't kind of take charge of his own life as much as you hoped or wanted him to. Yeah, and I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't able to do that.

And I felt bad almost thinking that about him too. Well, sure, you can feel bad, but it's still the truth and you were allowed to feel that way. And that's something he has total control over. He's not incapable of doing the things that you want him to do, right? Yeah. Have you ever expressed that to him?

Probably not as much as I should have. I think I was just being more helpful than I was being simple. It's a tough conversation to have that with him. Yeah. It might be also too... Like, so, it might be too late. Yeah. Because you're not talking

right now, yeah? No, it's been a couple months and he has a new girlfriend and it's been a bit weird. Oh, he has a new girlfriend. I think you gotta let him go. Yeah. So, what are you feeling

right now? Are you, like, how, what's, what, in this new place you're at? Or, like, what's your friend situation? Are you feeling lonely or bored?

Probably lonely because I've only been here for like three months and I'm just not as... You miss those deep connections that you have back home. Totally. So I think I just miss him a lot. I'm sorry. My guess is

it's a combination of things. My guess is you really care about this guy. You did like him. I think, as always, your gut is usually right. Something about your gut felt off about the connection you had with this guy, right? Maybe the fact that you knew you were moving, he was nice and great, but as a life partner, you felt like maybe he was a little immature or incapable of kind of like taking charge of his own life.

And like you said, you felt a little bit like you played more of a motherly sister babysitter role, which I think can be very relatable for people in relationships. Both men and women can feel that way with their partners. And you didn't like that right then you moved you know moving can be hard you meet some friends you kind of go in these like peaks and valleys of meeting people and and having things to do but then realizing maybe like i don't know like i don't know if these are like deep connections and those fade away then you meet

you know new people and it takes a good year or two in a new city to really build a core group of friends and people that you build these connections with. And that's part of the fear, but also the excitement of moving. And you're young in that kind of stage of your life that you get to do these things. So I think a lot of the fact that

you're going through this right now, you're kind of conveniently replaying in your head like that. You miss the connection more than I think you miss him. And I think you miss the connection in him, but it doesn't take away from the fact of what caused you to say no to him in the first place. And your gut is usually right. And, and I think that's a very valid feeling that you had about wanting to, you know, feel like a mother with your boyfriend. Because that's a hard thing to change.

You could have, like, one thing you could have done is you could have had a very tough and uncomfortable conversation with him and tell him that, which most likely he wouldn't have taken well. You know? And he wouldn't have taken well you know and he wouldn't have taken well i would have hurt his feelings and he would have gotten defensive and might not have done anything about it because he might not have known how to do it you know what i'm saying so like this type of maturity and and and kind of motivation that he lacked for you it was going to at least take him maybe a couple years to figure out.

You know what I'm saying? If he ever did. You weren't going to be like, hey, I wish you didn't have to do this and I wish you would do a little bit more of that. There was no version of him being like, oh, okay. Yeah, I'll just be a different person. Because you're talking about kind of a personality trait of like kind of who he is and what he's thinking you know what i'm saying like something

about like his approach to life and his career or waking up in the day like there are certain people have a little bit more drive than others some of that comes from just some people more ambitious some people have figured out what they want to do and he hasn't yet and so maybe he just hasn't figured it out yet right but you didn't want to wait around for that no so what i think if you're interested in my advice is i think you just try to let it go it's going to be sad i get that uh just accept the sadness you know what i'm saying but like what i mean by accept the sadness is like you can still feel confident in your decision right now you are second guessing yourself right so in addition to feeling lonely and sad and missing your friend which is okay to do and it's valid you are now questioning your own decision and you questioning

your decision is making you feel powerless and confused like you made a mistake. Right. And I think you should go forward not questioning yourself. Just be lonely and miss him. And you can be sad and all those things. But over time, it'll it'll slowly go away. But it compounds it. it, it makes you feel that much worse when you kind of like take away your power by questioning your decision you had in the first place because the missing him and being lonely is a little bit more powerful right now. And it's harder to remember why you said no. But in this situation,

people often get back together and panic with this person. And then once they get back together, they're reminded of why they said no. So it just takes a little bit of like self-discipline, a little strengthening your part. And I think it'll make the sadness a little easier. Just saying, you know what? I should trust my gut. I'm feeling a little lonely. Just name it. I feel lonely. I wish I had more friends here. I miss those connections. Those are valid feelings. You're not crazy for feeling that way. But just because you miss those close connections doesn't mean you should run back to him. And now that he has a girlfriend, it makes you feel like you fucked up a little bit

and maybe that's over and there's nothing you can do. It makes you extra sad. It makes you extra question your decision. But those are just reactive feelings to, you know, this new stage of life you're going through right now. So don't reach out to a man. If you did, what would you say? I don't know.

I'm a closure-oriented person. What do you need closure from? Like why it ended. Do you want to reach him out? Like why? So you want to call him up and say, hey, by the way, I know you have a girlfriend, and I know I move, but I just need to tell you this this i kind of hated that i had to mother you all the time like what is that

but that's the only thing that's not said that's why you left but it and that's a valid feeling why we weren't able to keep that friendship because he cares about you because he wanted more from you and he had the right to feel that way you know what i'm saying he didn't want to be just your friend you know yeah think of all all the women who call in the show who are him who they like a guy they they developing feelings for their friends or their situationship and they shoot their shot and they, you know, for whatever reason, they get shot down and they move on and they'd like to have that companionship, but don't because it's too hard to do because they want something more. He doesn't want to be your pal. And that's, it's life a little bit. Yeah, it's hard to accept. It is. It is hard. And

again, you have the right to be sad and you have the right to miss him. And that's okay. But you are making it so much worse on yourself by questioning your decision. I don't think you made a mistake. I think you're just feeling a little lonely right now in a new city. And it's a scary feeling to feel. And it's something a lot of people in your shoes have felt before. But I think you trust your decision you made. Trust your gut. Don't give away that power. And challenge yourself to just keep pushing forward. And you'll get through this kind of lonely period in your time and sadness.

And you'll meet new people. And you'll meet friends. And you might meet a nice guy. And you'll start building some connections. But it will take time. And this is you investing in yourself. Like you made this decision about when, when he shot his shot with you, something in your gut said, I want more for myself. And as sad as it was, and as great as he is, like nothing against him, you wanted something more for yourself.

And you chose yourself. And that's awesome. And just because you choose yourself doesn't mean it's going to be easy. And it doesn't mean that it's going to be sunshine and rainbows. And it's not going to take time. It doesn't mean there's not going to be pitfalls along the way. Right. And there's like a chapter in this book, in my book where I talk about like all the reasons why they're back that aren't what you want them to be. And I kind of write about you. And I basically say, well, I don't know. It was like the lack of patience. Right. Because when we break up or we say no to someone we have a good thing with, but we want something great. or we say no to someone we have a good thing with, but we want something great. We just want great to show up at our door the next day or the next week. But that can take time, you know? And there's going to be a lot of ups and downs along the way before you find it.

But it's having the patience and realizing that you have to, like, go through it is going to allow you to find the thing that you know deep down in your gut that you want and deserve and it's not him no and he's a nice guy and you miss the friendship and companionship but he deserves to not have to be in love with you while you're not in love with him and like go to movies and go to dinners and you know and feel that disconnect because it started being torture for him to hang out with you and only have half of everything he wanted from you and you know seeing you became more difficult than not seeing you and he had the right to feel that way that That last one hit me, Nick. Fuck.

That's okay. We've all been there. This will be a great learning experience for you. I really believe that if you fight through this kind of uncomfortable stage, that you will be glad you did. You won't be giving in to kind of this short-term discomfort you're feeling. And you will feel like a little bit more empowered and confident that you are capable of making these tough decisions. So many people like give in and don't have the patience and don't have like the willpower to like really go for something that deep down inside tells them to that they want more. And that's what's called settling and people settle all the time. And then they convince themselves after the fact that they're not settling. called settling and people settle all the time and then they convince themselves after the fact that they're not settling so what tips do you have to like move like to just have the patience and

well number one number one is stop second guessing yourself okay number two is that the love you have for him the part of you that still cares about him you need to tell yourself that you are happy for him that you are glad that he has a girlfriend and found himself. And then you, you respect the fact that he couldn't be your friend. And as hard as it is, like it's the right thing because he cared about you and you wanted something more for yourself and that wasn't him. Right. And, and you, out of your own kind of selfish needs to have that connection, you choose to be happy for him. And that won't take away the sadness, but it'll allow,

what it will do is stop you from getting in those kind of pity parties that we often have and feeling sorry for ourselves and sitting in a car and being like, what if I would have just done this? What if I would have done that? And blah, blah, blah. And that's just, you're kind of living in that kind of sadness. Like you can't help yourself from feeling sad, but there's things we can do to like limit, like how long we feel sad or like how, how bad we, we make it on ourselves. Sometimes we like to like torture ourselves.

We like to, you know, really put ourselves through it and then just keep getting out there keep meeting people stay active say yes to things like you know do all the things that people do to meet people say you know even when you're like feeling a little like i kind of want to sit home and you get invited to go out go go out, just challenge yourself for the next year to be a very active social person. Whether you're an introvert or extrovert, just say yes to things. You will meet people. You'll stay connected. I think more and more people like something I love about my girlfriend, Natalie is she has no problem being like, let's be friends.

I want to be friends. I want to make friends. People are like, are afraid to say that. Cause it like, like, I's be friends. I want to be friends. I want to make friends. People are afraid to say that because it's like, I don't know, I'm in my 20s. I'm not six anymore. You set yourself up for the rejection even more. Yeah, well, most people are just like, no one says I don't want to be your friend. They might give you a casual, yeah, sure, you know,

but there will be plenty of people who will be like, yeah, let's hang out. Get out there. Get on the dating apps too, you know. And if it's meant to be kind of thing, you know, you'll find your way back to each other. But I think you need to remind yourself that he is not the person you want. He is not capable of being that person. He wasn't just going to magically change if you would have, if had you would have told

him, I don't want to, I i feel like your mom he would have gotten very defensive and and confrontational and he wasn't going to just change it overnight yeah so so just believe in my gut and just believe in yourself yeah tell yourself that you did the right thing have some confidence in your decision and when you feel sad it's okay you can acknowledge it but don't get out of the pity party kind of thing yeah and don't let it consume me yes but you i think stop stop questioning your decision by you stop questioning your decision will go a long way to you not feeling so down so often okay no yeah. Yeah. I knew you would make sense. That's what I was like. Let's talk to Nick. Hopefully that was helpful. It was very helpful. All right. Check in in a

couple of months. Let us know how you're doing. All right. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, I'm Lauren and I'm 21. Hi, Lauren. I'm Rosie and I'm 22. All right, Lauren and Rosie, how can I help? So I wrote in because Rosie reached out to me last week asking for some advice. And I've been listening to your Ask Nick for like two years now. And I think that you did really thoughtful and valuable perspective.

So I thought maybe she could ask you. So. Yeah, basically, I was diagnosed with colon cancer about a little over three years ago. We're healthy now, so it's amazing. Let's just get a big round of applause for that so it's been a very interesting dynamic process and it's changed a lot because I got better and then it came back and then I got better again and it came back a third time and so I just personally you know have been dealing with a lot of ups and downs the past three years.

But more recently, I've kind of just felt this loneliness and this kind of distant feeling that I don't think someone in my position should feel, you know, especially when they have people telling them that they love and support them and they'll be there for them no matter what. I just didn't feel like I had the support system that people were telling me I had. It was a lot of words and not actions. And my dilemma was, you know, I didn't know how to reach out to my friends and express the fact that I wasn't feeling supported because I kind of thought that it would fall on deaf ears or I wouldn't receive the kind of responses that I was hoping for. But then there's another half of me

that is really worried that in, you know, four or five years, I'm going to have all this anger and resentment towards these people who, you know, who think in their minds that they have given me all this love and support when, you know, in my head, it's the complete opposite. So that's kind of the situation I'm in right now. Okay. When you were talking, I was thinking, I mean, it sounds like this is just like, it's just, it's like about rejection, you know, like,

you know, people are often usually calling in with like more like dating and, and like, I don't know if I like this guy or like this girl and should I tell him and I don't want to get rejected. And so much of our lack of communication comes from the fear of being disappointed by the people we are invested in or like and we're not talking about like a love like situation here but it sounds like if i'm

hearing you right you have this fear of of the rejection of someone uh not actually wanting to be a support system it's like you know it's, it's like, well, what if I tell them how I feel and they don't do anything, then I'll really know that they don't give a shit. Exactly. Which is so scary. Who are the people you're referring to? Just not like names, but like people in your life. You know, my, my innermost circle who I, I communicate with, or at least I was communicating with on a day-to-day basis. We are kind of separated right now. We're all so young. We're all in different cities. So our main form of human communication is,

you know, text and FaceTime. So the kind of things that I like wasn't feeling were like, you know, I was getting hung up on or not, you know, the phone wasn't ever being answered. Texts weren't being replied to. And yeah, so like that's where I kind of was feeling the rejection that you're talking about. Yeah. I mean, I can't, cannot relate to what you've gone through. I can only imagine the fear that you have when going through it and how it is and you know how this might be a bad analogy so bear with me like but you know how like on our birthdays we we have a lot of expectations about like our birthday it's like it's my birthday and just like

I don't want to make it a big deal but like, like, I want people to give a shit, you know, because it's my birthday. And I can only imagine, like, what it would be like to be diagnosed with cancer for fear of, like, your life and what you're going through. And it's almost like, again, bear with me in this comparison analogy, but in the sense of wanting to feel love

and wanting to feel that, I can only imagine when faced with this diagnosis that it's almost like in a bad way it's your birthday every day right does that make sense because like you're like i fucking have cancer people like right you know i need i need you like you don't have to deal with, you know, chemotherapy and going to doctors and be pricked and prodded. And then like, I go get blood work and I'm walking anxiety for three days and I have, I'm just getting, I'm just getting a checkup and I'm just like texting my doctor, be like, just tell me I don't have cancer. So like, and I, I can only imagine what you're going through. Right. And so, and I only bring that up because I think in these situations, you know, try to like,

be aware of that. Right. Be aware of the fact that while you have every right to feel the way you feel, because you're going through this, take it easy on yourself that, and I'm sure you, you sound very pragmatic and level-headed because you must be having gone through this that like that i think that will help you give your friends an opportunity to disappoint you if that's what they're going to do right you know you're you're are and maybe some of them will i mean listen you're you are a young person in this stage of your life and minus going through what you're going through a lot of the friends you have now are not going to be your friends in the future

yeah they're just like that's that's like the scary part i think that i'm so nervous about like that this could be like you know that moment where like it doesn't have to be that moment like you know what if like you you know if you didn't have this thing you're going through like there's other things that people deal with at your age that feel i mean everyone like you you're going through this insanely traumatic thing that really puts things in perspective for other things right like you know you getting through this like other things that hurt other people like might not be as painful. Like, I don't know, maybe getting cheated on or lied to or whatever, you know, like you're still going to care.

But like you're going to be like, I fucking survived cancer. So fuck it. I'm not going to worry about some fuck boy who fucked me over. You know, I'll compare everything to this. Right. Yeah. And they don't have the benefit of that. So if you weren't going through this, right, and something else happened to you

and you reached out to a friend or two that you wanted them to be there for you, you would find out then that they might not be the type of friend you hoped they would be. You know what I'm saying? So like just trying to put so much pressure on. And for me, I'd rather find out sooner than later

who's got my back and who doesn't. Cl i think i don't think is rejection is rejection i think of it as clarity in all forms because at the end of the day i'd rather know who are my ride and dies or and i'd rather have two than think i have 10 you know like even if it's this one person i can always go to but i'm willing to bet you have there's also the idea that like death is awkward for people cancer is awkward for people facing that people can get uncomfortable they don't know what to say so they say nothing at all you know that can that can create distance and it's unfair that that falls on you a little bit but i do think that if there are i think some people will surprise you some people might disappoint you but some people will surprise you on being like yeah i know i could i want to be a better friend i and as best

as you can just make it and it sucks again it sucks that you have to be the one who's like empathetic here you know or it's just, I know it could be hard talking about my fucking cancer, you know, but like, you know, people can, people are selfish, you know, and also your friends right now, it's the selfish stage in your life. You know, you get to go live in Manchester. You get to, you know what I'm saying? You could do all these things. And so you're dealing in a time in your life where everyone wants to be selfish. Right. And that, and that sucks for you. Yeah. I mean, I do, I do like have a tough time, like reckoning those two things in my head, like knowing that this is like the most selfish time in every person's life. And

that, you know, none of it is personal. Like, But you get to be selfish too. So like selfishly, just tell people how you feel. Yeah, that's what I don't do. So gotta, gotta get on that. You're, you're surviving cancer. How bad can like losing a friend or two be? Very true. Definitely not as bad as anything else also i don't think you're gonna lose as many as you think and if you the ones you do lose my guess is you're gonna do an inventory and minus after the rejection of being like oh i thought you were closer to them you're gonna be like you know what honestly like we just weren't that close we just like we grew apart you know and're going to make more friends, you know?

Yeah. I also think just like being able to say like, I think it's just saying everything. Like now that you're saying it, like. Get it out. I just kind of have to grow a pair. Are you, are you going, getting therapy? Yeah. Great. Awesome.

Good for you. Yeah. Just get get it out just be okay with disappointment and like just like through a text you think or do you think like maybe no definitely not a text okay it's like it's listen it's hard to do it's it's text is text is the easy way out but people are going to read text in their feelings not in yours right so you're talking about something that is easily it's low-key accusatory you know you're and people are gonna get defensive so they're gonna read it defensively right so by facetiming them you can say hey listen can I just be honest with you? And maybe this is me, but like, I love you. So I just, I'm only saying this because

I, I, I want, I want to feel that love between us again. I want to build that up. And can I, is it okay to just me be, you know, you, you build it up like that. You start with this kind of like very safe space as opposed to being like, Hey, what's up by. You start with this kind of like very safe space as opposed to being like, hey, what's up? By the way, I'm just kind of not feeling the love from you right now, you know, like an imagine, but like, you know, throwing the emoji to make sure they know that you're like, you still love them, you know, so.

Heart. Yeah. But like totally like here's five hearts, but like honestly, you're kind of a shitty friend. You know, I i just it gives you an opportunity to have a conversation with someone and this is a conversation this is not like an fyi yeah that's also like what i'm scared about i'm scared that they're just gonna think that i'm forgetting about all of the support that they have given me and then i'm just kind of like

gonna come at them for like this small times that they maybe made a mistake. And I'm going to say something that I'm going to be bold here and say something that even though you've had cancer and you're dealing with it, doesn't mean you still don't have an ego and you can still, you know, feel that that's that kind of feeling like it's your birthday every day. It's like, I fucking have cancer. Like, you don't. I deserve this. You know, I deserve your extra

consideration because you don't have to fucking go to doctors all the fucking time. And you don't have to worry about, you know, death like I do. You're 20, 22, and you're just like, I'll live forever. You you know like most people in their 20s have the benefit of thinking you thankfully you're healthy now but like you know it's always gonna it's always in the back of your mind because you've had it you've relapsed a couple times and so your ego is just like if if i have to deal with cancer then i deserve x y and z right and that you know you can help yourself by at least just recognizing that and i'm not saying you don't deserve some extra special consideration

you do but like don't let your ego take like steal your joy of getting some love and affection from your friends who you know some of which are probably doing their best yeah and maybe they can do better but like they need to be reminded you know because they you know we're they're dealing with their shit too and while it's not cancer it might be bad credit you know for and i remember like not paying an electric bill when i was 21 and finding out i fucked up my credit. And for like a week, I was a mess. Yeah. You know? And it's because I had like the privilege of worrying about my credit history. Yeah. And like that's like, I've heard that from my friends.

Like I have a friend who's applying to law school and waiting to hear back from that. And like, I know everything is so valid that they tell me, you know, it's, and it's just, yeah. I think you just got to find that middle ground between getting the empathy you deserve and controlling your ego a little bit and reminding yourself that even though I've dealt with this, I still have an ego and my ego, all our egos need to be controlled because our egos will constantly like, you know, steal our joy. You know, you've heard that compared like comparison is a thief of joy you've you know it's a very popular saying and that that is that

people are talking about their egos there because you're comparing it's just like well why didn't i get to do that i got to do this you know why did i get to that i got invited to this party why didn't i get invited to that party what the fuck meanwhile like who know you didn't even want to go to that party you just wanted to be wanted you know yeah so a lot to think about i don't know if any of this was helpful it was all very helpful are you kidding all right now i'm gonna i'm gonna reach out i think to them great yeah take it slow you know give yourself some grace yeah nothing's happening today pick the one you think is gonna go pretty like that you're like you're pretty confident you just need to like tell them how you feel and like lead with love you know i'll hey i love you i miss you

ask them about their law school or their life and to say i'm not saying you're doing anything wrong i guess i just miss you and i I just hope to hear from you more. And that's all. And I also make new friends, too. I had a lot of friends, tons of friends when I was your age. And the amount of people I've met since then, they're richer relationships because you're making friends based off of like truly the things that you love

and you get to know yourself so much better in your 20s I know I'm sounding like this fucking like old you know guy but like you really do so much of making friends at this stage in your life is where you went to school and whatever sorority you joined

or things like that or like common interests. And that will still matter. But when you make friends like later in life, it's more of a match of like your character and you're like, just like people who make you feel, you know, good about yourself. And that's nice to find too. And some of those friends you have now will be those people you know later in life and a lot of them will be new scary but also exciting yeah scary and exciting all right thank you so much i'm so glad you're doing well and uh we're rooting for you all right thank you for. All right. Thank you for everything. All right, take care.

You too. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for Kale Lowry, Clayton Eckhart, maybe Susie, probably Susie. I think Susie will pop in.

The latest and greatest on all things pop culture, relevant bachelor news, who knows what we'll talk about, but it will certainly be hard-hitting and topical. Wednesday, Josh Peck. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send those questions to bestmovecastme.com.

And we'll see you in a minute.