The Viall Files - E415 Ask Nick - Am I Alone Because I’m Picky?

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we dive into our first caller’s situation where her mother-in-law is demanding and rude, calling her husband names for not responding to a text. The problem is, the mother-in-law excuses her behavior because she has a lot of childhood trauma. Now, our caller asks how to deal with a self-aware person who isn’t willing to change. Our second caller is a young man who struggles with expectations and dating after moving to New York City. Now with new friends and friend groups, our caller wonders if he should pursue dating some flirting friends at the risk of breaking up the group. Our last caller struggles when her fiancé has taken every step of a marriage without the paperwork and the ceremonies. Now, six years and a few kids later, our caller wonders how to convince her partner to take the next step and tie the knot, officially, in a way worth it for her.  “People confuse empathy for validating their choices” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Go to http://www.Article.com/Viall to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Canva: Go to http://www.Canva.me/Viall to get your FREE 45-day extended trial. Curology: Get started with Curology with a free 30-day trial at http://www.Curology.com/Viall. Just pay $5 for shipping and handling. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by ali and am Ladies, how are you doing today? Good. I always say the same thing. It's fine. And I always come in and I'm like, oh, thank you for asking. Okay, so we were talking about this a little bit earlier, but I was a bit of a freak show this weekend.

Oh my God, yes. I'm so glad we're getting into this i had um a wee bit of a i think mental breakdown makes it sound a little bit more exciting than it was i just i started crying a lot during yoga and i got really upset and worked up and then when i got home i was like trying to call my friends and nobody was answering it was just like a bad situation basically finally one of my dear friends, Kira, answered and like very much talked me off the ledge. But then was like, you know, like, do you have anyone who

you can like hang out with? And I was like, oh, I could like probably like call my boyfriend because like my therapist has been like, you need to demonstrate more emotional intimacy. That's why we have boyfriends and girlfriends. Also like it's official that he's your boyfriend now. Yes. It's official, but it's official that he's your boyfriend now. Yes.

It's official, but it's like, I feel like we're chilling. You know, like I don't. Why are we disqualifying? We're disqualifying because Amanda

can't contextualize it. Like I don't, I feel like usually like boyfriend means that you, there's some sense of like trajectory. I have no sense

of our trajectory. No. See, you, no. I mean, at of our trajectory. No. See, no. I mean, at least not on this show. I mean, I think people make the mistake of thinking the way you do and assigning some sort of what feels like an unobtainable goal just by calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend it's just like you're just

you're committing to focusing on this one person that's it okay and i feel like that's why we always tell callers to like ask them what this label means or ask them like what defining things will mean because for a lot of people it doesn't mean like we're walking down the aisle at some point that's why everyone's like not defining relationships because it's just like oh my boyfriend they hear boyfriend they hear husband anyway so you panicked so i so i was having a very bad time and i was like you know what like this is i should really like do the i should do the thing i should be vulnerable i didn't realize because i'm very vulnerable with my friends i didn't realize like how like much fucking harder it is for me to do that with like romantic partners so I was like I

spent so long I was going to like text him first be like hey just a heads up I'm crying like text him to warn him I was crying before I called him then I was like no don't do that just like call him so I called him and he was like he was like do you want me to make you gnocchi? And I was like, yes. And so then he had me over. And then I woke up in the night and I couldn't sleep. And I kept tossing and turning. And this man has an unbelievably loud bed frame, like a criminally loud bed frame. Before this story even happened, Amanda had come into studio one day and she was like, have you ever been with someone who has a really noisy bed frame?

And I was like, not off the top of my head. It's really been weighing on her. No, it's a night because it's so loud and i know i don't mean like oh we're fucking and it's loud i mean like you use any movement any movement it makes a noise it rattles so loud um and so i was like i couldn't sleep and then i just got like because he it was really nice even to have me over he had work at like 5 a.m the next day i think you need to get him an article bed frame i was just about to say is there a sponsor of the show that would like to contribute to amanda's love life anywho so then so then i like was up in the night and i'm still like kind of i just got really in my head i was like fuck like i'm gonna wake him up like or i'm just gonna like just i'm

gonna be so disruptive to his sleep because like i can't sleep and I'm uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. And my brain won't turn off. And usually I just listen to an audio book where my brain won't turn off. But I was like, I can't just blast an audio book. So I decided to, like a thief in the night, leave. That's insane. I just left his house at like 2 a.m. You just peaced out.

I peaced out because I was just like, i just really didn't want to bother him and then after since recounting this story i've realized that was probably a little extreme but i just i don't know i i i actually like this story just because i think it reaffirms confirms the idea for me that it takes time to truly build an emotional connection and emotional intimacy with someone like you know what i'm saying like here you are staying at your boyfriend's house someone that you've been hanging out with a lot for the past couple months right to the point where you're getting to know each other. And a lot of people in these situations do that. And they feel like I've, I know this person so well, right? And we, there's an expectation. I think we put on ourselves and the other person and the relationship for how well we know each other. And we'll say things like, I feel like we know each other forever, et cetera,

et cetera. But like, I think this goes to show that like, you're just still, and it's totally valid and normal that you're still have a level of like discomfort to inconvenience this person. Totally. And if you were to inconvenience them, you're, there's like an insecurity of what are they going to think about me, et cetera, et cetera, rather than just being like, I can't sleep. I'm just, you know, but you were so,

I guess, worried about what he would think to a certain degree. I just, I just, I was really worried about like being disruptive. Yeah. But like in a, in a relationship,

but like you just, you leave. But also with the context, of him, like having to be up at like five the next morning. I get all that. Yeah. But, but, but the sneak in the middle of him having to be up at like 5 the next morning. I get all that. Yeah. But sneaking up in the middle of the night.

If my girlfriend was staying at my house and I woke up at like 3 and then she was just gone, I would panic. Yeah. I would be afraid. What happened? Well, I texted him because I was like, it's probably going to be very jarring that I am like not there he's a handwritten note on the pillow yeah he's like went to get cigarettes even that would be like did i do something what what what's going on but i just think it just shows that like event i'm just saying eventually if you continue to date bar guy you will reach a point where you won't get anxiety out of fear of disrupting him.

Like you might go to the other room and like, if he has a big day tomorrow, you like want to be always a considerate partner, but there is something in you that made you feel like you need to leave. And I feel like that just kind of speaks to like, it just takes time to build like an emotional connection with someone, which I think is totally fine. I think sometimes we,

like here we are talking about, it takes time for you to like want to define something and then you want to disqualify it. We're afraid to do that, but it's like we can define relationships. We can call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and then we can still simultaneously recognize that it takes time to get to know people like these all all these things can be true and i think we often make dating and relationships especially early on more difficult on ourselves because we kind of think in the extremes you know like oh if i commit to this person like what does it mean for our

plans do we have to family plan or or am i how fast am i supposed to feel comfortable with this person you know how fast am i supposed to like is it okay for me to like want to go home in the middle of the night you know etc etc and then like people have these different expectations of what that all means it's also just like i feel like it's a lot like when we talk about like getting to know someone like it's so much less about like actually like divulging personal history because I've definitely like had like conversations where I've shared like personal things and felt very like safe and comfortable but it's like what it really to me feels like the hardest part is like asking them for things that aren't mutually beneficial because I feel like so much of a relationship

when you're assessing if it's a good fit it's like is it mutually beneficial like do we want is it easy and natural for us to provide things for one another that we like can you know or yeah just and just feeling comfortable enough with someone to even like have that conversation or to you know you're some so much of getting to know someone and dating someone early on is to ask them directly or indirectly to accept who you are or to accept your like your new like your like neurotic thoughts and behave like you're we're all weird like we all kind of come with a little bit of weird and you know and yeah and we're insecure about how we are sometimes and like that can be it's one thing to like have a conversation, a couple of dates and like talk about like families, but to truly just be like,

yeah, I do that, you know, like to really expose yourself vulnerably, you know, and still feel like they like you is a, it's, it's a part of getting to know someone.

I think we kind of take for granted and we just like so many people like we'll date someone i like them they'll define the relationship and and after three months they just stop checking in you needing to leave in the middle of the night i think is a signal to you that they're like you need to check in with your boyfriend i don't know about what but it's just like you felt that you felt compelled to leave and i would be curious if i were dating you about like why and not that there's anything wrong with it but it's just more like why did you feel uncomfortable enough that you would want to leave rather than sleep on the couch or or did i make do i make you feel a certain way you You know, like, because it was kind of an abrupt thing to do.

It's just at two o'clock in the morning. Were you like a call your parents in the middle of the night at a sleepover person? Or were you like, I love sleepovers. I'll be here until four. I love sleepovers. Oh, my God. I had an era where I like I had to I had a few botched sleepovers as a kid where I had to be like, mom, pick me up.

But then I like was like, I'm going to Australia when I'm 18 all by myself. So I definitely rebounded hard from that. But I think I definitely, but to me, it felt like growth being like, I'm going to choose to do this thing to be by myself. I'm going to take care of myself, even if that means leaving and being in my own bed by myself. And I journaled anxiously for like an hour but instead of just being like okay like i'm gonna stay next to this

person yeah you didn't choose to like people please by like laying in his bed and not sleeping so that he wouldn't worry but the conundrum was born out of a need to people please so it was kind of like but he was really nice about like he was and i was like i was like i need to be like honest about this like i need to make it very clear that this is like a me thing and not a him thing because I felt like this I feel like this constantly like I think I'm very worried about the way I know communication is very important but I think I struggle with trying to find the balance of like when it's most appropriate to communicate because I do think there's also a valid point of like he has like a really early day at work tomorrow it's not maybe it's not the time to be like

I don't know if my level of emotional intimacy and comfort... Sure. But also, you could have ruined his day, potentially, by him waking up, you being gone, and him being in his head about why. She could have ruined his day by blasting an audiobook at 2 in the morning. I'm just saying, who knows?

I just think, if nothing else, it's just a signal to yourself his day by blasting an audiobook at two in the morning i'm just saying like who knows i just think if nothing else it just a signal to like yourself that like it's a we i think we start dating people we decide we like them and if we even if we go as far as defining the relationship then i think at that point so many of us stop checking in we stop like still wanting to like say hey is this how's this going for you or I know now that I've gotten more comfortable with you we've increased some expectations I felt a certain way or I was a little like unsure about how you might respond to this and we stopped having conversations like that I think

sometimes yeah and did you guys like talk about it after totally well cuz like I'd send him like a message I wanted to be very clear like with the tone of my messages that he'd done nothing wrong. And I was like, Hey, like I couldn't sleep. So like I went back to mine, like, thank you so much again for like having, he was like very nice to me. And then I was like, hope you have a great day at work. Like exclamation point, like very much like we are good. I am not mad at you at all.

You did nothing wrong. And then he sent like, like a bunch of messages being like, yeah, I, I didn't know where you were. I was looking for you and then he was like hope you have a great day and then it was a studio day yesterday and then he like followed up like double texted me like hey how are you feeling and doing so he was like very very nice and then he was like he was so worried he was like was i snoring like did i keep you up and i was like no i got irrationally anxious and i was like i felt like that was a

step to be honest to be like i was being a little crazy lady how did he respond to you saying that he was like very nicely and was like yeah like i was tired last night but like would love to like if you want to talk through more stuff like let me know so he's delightful and lovely well summer is approaching and Article has launched their new line of outdoor products for summer 2022. So think oversized statement loungers, streamlined dining pieces and easy to style sofas for all your backyard needs. Let's get outside and enjoy that warm Memorial Day weekend. There's nothing worse than having like cheap, terrible furniture, too, because then you don't want to host people. It's embarrassing. I know. Stop embarrassing yourself.

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Are you going on a second date with this guy? Other guy, Allie? I think so. He's not the best. It's very hard to track him down, and he's not a great texter. But then he'll post on social media, which has been very annoying to me. I'm a big texter. I love texting.

We know. We know. Wedding guy, and I always have that very good- I don't know that. Yes. Think about how Allie responds to stuff so promptly promptly no matter what time of the day correct no and she's an incredible employee uh but i guess i don't i didn't i didn't you didn't think carried over to my personal life yeah i did well i didn't know i don't i didn't assume well yeah like i don't know i feel like i got very spoiled with wedding guy because it was he was the same way and we

texted all the time and now i'm like i felt very out of control after the first date because I was like holy shit why do I like this person so much I don't know anything about him so in a way maybe the frustration about the communication or like it's it's kind of like maybe popped the perfection bubble which is probably a healthy thing because I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself but then I showed all the because I felt out of control so I showed the text to my friend's boyfriend in New York over the weekend and he was like no you're fully in control and I was like but you're stalking his Instagram already well it just keeps popping up oh yeah it's like that's when you know it's like you know you are like you like someone when they're always like the first Instagram. He's like posting stories all the time. Like story that you see. It keeps popping up.

So I'm not supposed to go on Instagram. God forbid. But if you're actively paying attention to how much he posts versus how much he texts you, that would like, ooh, like maybe not as. Oh, no. I know I'm not. But I like that in the text, it looks like I am. Gotcha.

Okay. So hopefully he. What are. Who knows. We don't have a second date planned. No, because he was like,

oh, when can I see you? He's just so bad at texting and then when I was going to the airport on Sunday, he's like, What does that mean? Like,

he's not quick to respond. Like, ever. Or, yeah, it like results in me like having to send a second text

like a day or two later to like jog it. Can I just say, I am also a bad texter and i am like there's some stuff where it's like if someone's like really in like deep shit then i will like if a friend needs like i will respond and like some days i'm good at texting but some days i am so bad about texting it has nothing to do with how much i like like or care about someone yeah you don't believe me i too am a bad texter if they wanted to they would mentality yeah i mean

like yeah your level of interest but also you had one date with this person exactly like it doesn't make like it's totally valid for him to be interested in you and not like over the moon excited totally after one date so yeah who knows the question of the day it was like he was like when can i see you and i was like well i have a friend's show on tuesday night i have an extra ticket and he was like probably not my vibe and i was like cool cool oh i asked him i was like if you don't want to come you don't have to come and then he like never followed up so then yesterday i was like uh wednesday or thursday and he was like let's do thursday but I'm like not gonna press and I think you should slow down your pursuit of this guy and let him

I feel like I have I think you've made it sounds like you made it clear that you want to hang out with him again Mm-hmm, and you've made some efforts now we need to see Definitely in his court I'm kind of stuck on the fact that it's like when you're dating someone early on like you gotta be curious Like go to the fucking like I would go to like a like a monster truck show even though i would never ever do that because it's like you gotta be curious i don't think it's an amazing sign that he's not willing to like do something slightly out of his comfort zone just to spend some time unless he's like in maybe he's like like doesn't think of himself as like an artsy

person and has some like tenderness and insecurity about it but also i think i like try the new thing dude yeah yeah i don't know i mean this is the time people get out of their comfort zone correct tbd uh we have a great uh week lined up for you morgan epsher tomorrow on wednesday for going deeper and we will be continuing to talk, I'm sure, about the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp trial, selling sunsets, whatever. This man. Gossip. All the men. You know, you won't want to miss that.

Also, we're going to try something. This is like something that we're going to do, if you're listening now on Monday morning. We're going to try this new segment. We're going to call it Texting Office Hours. And we want to potentially premiere it to try this new segment we're going to call it a texting office hours and we want to potentially premiere it on wednesday and going deeper and so how it's going to work right now if you're listening to the show and you are currently in the middle of a text conversation with somebody uh that you well i guess it doesn't really matter the context anything you just like need help drafting a text like Allie who just got a text from a guy who's like, yeah, not really my vibe.

And you're like, how do I respond to that? You could be trying to call out a friend. I've had friends text my mom for me. Like everyone needs help. Yeah. So if that's you right now, you're listening, stop what you're doing. I don't give a shit about the meeting you have to go into. Get off the treadmill.

Get off the treadmill. Email us at asknickatcastme.com. Shanti is standing by, our producer. I feel like we're in one of those live call-over segments. Like literally, if you're listening to this now,

we want to talk to you immediately. We will probably do this somewhere around 10 a.m. Pacific, 1 p.m. Eastern-ish, give or take. And so email us and we'll want you to screenshot some of your texts and we'll help you draft this text message.

We'll want some context and me and Amanda and Ellie. Nick is very good at this. He made me send some bold texts. So we'll see how that goes. It doesn't require your boyfriend. No. Stop on by. It was a great show for you.

Let's get to our caller. How's it going? Hi, my name is Ella. I'm 28 years old. Hi, Ella. How can I help? So I am reaching out about my mother-in-law. I'm having a really hard time with her.

I am struggling because she is extremely manipulative. I don't want to throw that word around, but after eight years of dealing with her, I think I can probably get away with it. She likes to pit my husband and his siblings against one another. I'm now thrown into the mix more than I was before. She'll, for instance, recently, she got annoyed at my husband for not texting his brother back in short enough time. She called him an asshole, told him he was awful. Your mother-in-law told her son that he was an asshole for not texting her brother back. Yep.

She really likes to be in control of all of our relationships. So my husband's relationships, the siblings, my relationship. Yeah, that's more than emotional. That's more than manipulative. Yeah, pretty abusive. The issue I have is that she had a really abusive childhood that she uses as an excuse for her bad behavior. And I'm trying to figure out how I can have compassion for this woman without letting her use that as her get out of jail free card so we wanted to work out how does your husband feel about this where does he stand on all this he doesn't know how to deal with her we're in couples therapy he doesn't want to go no contact he wants to be low contact the problem is that but he at least he does acknowledge what she's doing is wrong. It's not like you have to convince him that what she's doing is not okay.

We're completely on the same page. We're united front. I'm worried about the two of us having kids in the next few years, which we want to do because she likes to control everything. She sends gifts all the time if we're frustrated with her. And she always brings up her tragic childhood to explain why she behaved the way she did but it's just constant so i'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries with someone who always plays the victim and doesn't want to take even gentle feedback well when things go wrong yeah i mean like my response is she's not a child anymore

and she might be a victim of her own from something well for when she was a child it doesn't give people a green light or a free pass or excuse to perpetuate that type of abuse onto others i mean we always hear how child molesters are often victims of child molestation themselves right that is not an excuse like they excuse. We don't have sympathy for those people and rightfully so when they victimize other people, right? Now I'm giving a very extreme comparison. So as this adult person, your mother-in-law, if she can recognize that she was a victim, then she also is capable of getting the help that she might need and recognizing that it's not okay to act the way she does her acknowledging that she

was a victim herself is also a recognition that she must on some level recognize what she is doing because she's trying to make excuse for it right so yeah and you saying to her like you know you kind of opened up this call by saying like well i feel like it's okay for me to say my mother-in-law is manipulative well the point is rather eight years or two days you have the right to feel like she's being manipulative you know what i'm saying you don't have to be an expert to say i feel like you're being manipulative to me right right in a healthy, mature relationship, a person who cared that they made you feel that way would say, oh, I'm sorry I did that. I made you feel that way. And say some version of, can we have a conversation on why you felt the way you did?

And maybe we can get on the same page and maybe i can understand and empathize and change my behavior in the future like that's how mature people handle these types of conflict who are healthy and good communicators and if she's not handling that way and then making excuses for not handling the way that's on some level she's acknowledging it right right again like i'm not a therapist so like that is my non-expert like uh point of view on this situation and regardless of the fact that she's your mother-in-law or family like you are now identifying that you and your husband don't feel a safe around her and by safe i mean like you don't like being told you're an asshole or or talk to that

way even if it's your mother or your sibling or your friend or for quite flunky your spouse yeah right and and you have to sometimes set some very difficult boundaries like you said your husband doesn't want to completely cut her off and he wants it like you know and so maybe it's that it's saying hey mother-in-law like once again calmly i don't appreciate you speaking that way you have the right to feel that you do if you disagree with me not responding to so and so like you are entitled to that feeling and if you want to express that like our demands are our expectations that you speak to us in a much healthier way. I don't like being told that way. If you can't do that, then I'm going to have, we're just going to have to distance ourselves.

And if that means like sending a Christmas card and not like hanging out in person and, and not, and removing yourselves from all family group chats and not engaging in any conversations that start with mom said, you know, or mom's opinion includes, right. And if, and if your husband wants to communicate with his brother, that there's also an expectation saying like, if I'm, I want to talk with you because you're my brother and I love you. And I want to like, we can fight, but I want to be on the same page. But our conversations have to do between like we're two adult men let's let's talk about our feelings

let's not introduce like other people's opinions like he doesn't bring in like my wife agrees with me and he doesn't bring in like his brother doesn't say well mom agrees with me where does that get anyone you know exactly it's like let's talk about our differences and try to get on the same page

you know like people all the time uh try to like talk about their allies in a disagreement well you know what no one believes you you know or like so and so doesn't agree with you you know how people think you know how crazy you sound you know people when people say like that like that is weaponizing like you know your peers to like get the other person to feel stupid and and couples do that all the time to one another siblings parents you know your your mother-in-law you know unfortunately the the solution is something if there's there's no good situation here there's no answer right now that you're gonna like because it requires uh you pushing your mother-in-law and

him pushing his mother away a little bit and that makes anyone sad you know exactly curology changing the game with uh custom skincare gotta love it our skin's made differently all of us uh we have all different types of needs when it comes to our skin care game. I myself am a low maintenance individual when it comes to my skin. I just need a little lather on some moisturizer. Anyway, Curology really makes it easy to feel like you're customizing your skin care routine. But you don't feel like overwhelmed.

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dot com slash V-I-A-L-L to start your free 30-day trial. Cancel anytime. Prescription subject to consultation. Another issue, because when we do set boundaries, she ends up sending us gifts, like ridiculous gifts,

just on a frequent basis, almost every week. She sent me jewelry. She sent him stuff. And we're like, we're trying to set these boundaries. What do we do with these? We have a whole gift drawer.

It feels like just, you know, manipulation. Maybe gifts are her love language, right? maybe that's like her way of saying that's how she is trying to show love right so you could still accept the gift you could still say thank you for the gift but you have to some way you know you don't say thank you but you can just say thank you and then later on and i've learned this in my relationship in adulthood like i've learned this through therapy like i don't always immediately have to voice how i feel about a situation i can acknowledge my partner's frustration about a situation i can apologize and i can like let it sit and then then like a couple of weeks later say, Hey,

you know, when we were talking about this after it's died down and tensions aren't high, can we just revisit that? Because there was a part that I was like, can we just change this on your end? You know, like whatever behavior I'm not doing it in the moment where we're heated and

she's in like, and if my girlfriend's saying well it upset me when you did this in the past and i think what a lot of people do they like to say i'm sorry but you did this right and you say it like and either you say it in the same sentence or you say it in back-to-back sentences and if you're the person on the other end all they hear is, but you did this. They don't even hear your apology. And if they do hear your apology,

it doesn't even feel sincere. It feels dismissive, right? So you can say thanks for the gifts and then say on a separate message or whatever, still reinforce the boundaries saying, well, that was a nice gift and thank you, but it doesn't change how we feel about this situation before we bring you in volume in. And before we hang out with you more, we need to know that you're willing to respect this boundary.

And if we do let you back in, I mean, I don't say it like, obviously like this, you know, like, but if you disrespect that boundary, we will once again have to reinforce it. You know, the amount of gifts is going to change that. Thank you for the gift. But it doesn't change, you know, that's not how it doesn't make it okay. It's not an apology. It's not, it's not an excuse. It's just a gift.

It's a gift that shows like that you love us. And I believe that you love us. You know, that's the thing sometimes too. I think sometimes we have to still let the people we love and who we know love us, who hurt us. And even when they hurt us, I think sometimes it's okay to let them know that we still believe that they love us. But that doesn't mean we don't get to like enforce a boundary. And it doesn't mean we don't get to like enforce a boundary and it doesn't mean we don't get to say that's not okay to treat us that way and i know you love me but your love for me is not an excuse and doesn't like again give you the free pass to talk and treat me any way you want and i think

trying to like separate those two or you know is maybe helpful yeah i mean like if the way you're describing your mother-in-law, yeah, it's like she needs to do the work, and unfortunately you're stuck with a really bad choice, which is either put up with this, essentially what sounds like some form of emotional abuse. Again, not an expert, so maybe it's not. But it's something that you don't want to deal with.

So you are forced to deal with something you don't want to deal with or distance yourself from family and that sucks both are terrible choices yeah but one is healthier than the other and i think you have to choose being healthy over anything else yeah thank you i think it's really helpful to see that it's not black and white because to me you know i hear about her childhood and i think no no wonder she's acting like this i feel terrible for her but then like you said it's not an excuse for the behavior and that's where i struggle because she uses it it's her people often confuse and it's really frustrating in this world people confuse having empathy with someone with agreeing with them or validating their choices. You can have empathy for someone and still not validate and approve of their choices and actions.

Yeah. Thank you. That's helpful because that's what I've been struggling with the most really, you know, figuring out my own feelings about having compassion and empathy, but not accepting what I consider ridiculous out of line behavior. Yeah. And I think you having empathy for her will make you feel like better about for enforcing those boundaries. Cause you're not feeling cold. You're like, no, I do empathize. And I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. And it's all the more reason why it's important for me, unfortunately set this boundary because I don't want that type of behavior to affect my husband. Or if your husband is saying this to his mother-in-law to affect me and our future kids. And so please, please deal with this. Please, if you can recognize that you had this abuse, please do the work. Please go get therapy. We're in therapy. Like,

you know, like, please go do it because we want you to be a part of our lives and we want you to stop treating us this way. So please, I beg of you, because I know you have been hurt and I'm so sorry you've been hurt. And my heart goes out to you and we want to give you love, but not at the expense of you treating us this way. Right. That makes a lot of sense. And I appreciate your giving me examples of how to phrase things. Because in the moment, I either feel, like you said, really angry or almost too accepting of what she's trying to throw at us so that's tough I mean she clearly yeah it sounds like she has been through her primary her own abuse that she received have learned the skills of like weaponizing her behavior to manipulate and make people feel bad for setting boundaries

and I you know like talk to your therapist about this i'm sure they can give you much more helpful tools about how to like enforce these boundaries and and look for signs of like and help you diagnose whether this is abuse or or things like that but either way if you're feeling a certain way i i personally think you should choose like feeling healthy and happy over anything even if that includes family right i hear you thank you. Thank you so much. All right. Well, best of luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Yeah. Appreciate it.

Thanks again. Nice meeting you. You too. Bye. Bye-bye. All right. How's it going? Good.

I'm Daniel. I'm 25. Hey, Daniel. How can I help? I'm mostly just calling about dating advice. I've been single for five years now, and I'm kind of having some anxieties about it mostly just I feel like I'm missing out on like things I should be learning in relationships that I feel like some friends of mine are so yeah I guess a bit of background on me I went to college

in the northeast I moved to California Orange County area for a couple years after college and I moved to New york in september last year so i've been here for like eight months now i've been dating a lot i've been on a hinge since college i just feel like i haven't really found the right person and i feel like it's getting to the point right now where i feel like i should reassess my like parameters i guess or like things i'm looking for your picker so to speak like how you're going about like who you invest in, you mean? Yeah. I mean, I feel like I've been super picky and I feel like that's not gonna, I don't know, I guess I'm kind of lonely now and I feel like I should think twice about that now that I'm

getting older and I feel like it's, it kind of behooves me to try to find something more long-term, especially with the job I have. It's pretty time-consuming. What kind of job do you have? I work in real estate and real estate private equity. I did that in California, but it's been a big step up in hours for me here. you mentioned like you feel like you're not learning some of the skills or like I guess sharpening that toolkit or like because you're not in a relationship that you see some of your friends and peers are what are some of those things that you think you're missing out on

um just like how to like compromise with people and like work through problems and stuff I feel like I you know my my only relationship was in college for six months and she broke up with me. So I feel like, I don't know, most people at this point have been in relationships for at least a year. And, uh, I just don't know. I feel like I don't want to be able to learn everything like super late in life, I guess, as far as dating. Like, I want to be like 27, trying to figure out how to like, you know, sustain a relationship past a year. Like what kind of things I should be trying to work, work on, I guess.

Okay. And right now are you, and so when you say you're out there dating, right, you've been on the apps and like, am I, and so you're meeting women and like, whether maybe you're not super interested in them or vice versa, you just haven't you haven't found someone that you mutually want to invest each other to get to know and right because it's not like you don't strike me as someone who's having a hard time like getting people to go on dates with right yeah i mean yeah you're right i've been on a lot of dates okay um it just feels like uh you know i've had a couple of girls in New York where I really wanted to invest more and for whatever reason of me when I was your age uh when I turned 25

I had like a quarter-life crisis um and I felt old and I felt behind my ambitions and dreams and expectations I had for myself keep in mind those were expectations and dreams I set for myself when I was a teenager, which, you know, I don't think when you're 25, I say this a lot, but I don't think you realize that right now

you're currently trying to live up to expectations you had set for yourself when you were 18, 19, or 20. Oh, yeah. I'm very aware of that. You know, and that's kind of like,

wow, that's nuts. Maybe I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do, but yet it's still something that internally we still do. Like whether it's our ego doing that or our insecurities, or, you know, then those are usually combined. But my response to you is like, one, it's okay to feel the way you're doing, most importantly.

It's not as severe as you as it feels right like you said well i don't want to be 27 and blah blah blah blah there's a good chance you are going to be 27 and dealing with that and that's also okay you're much younger and i i apologize for the condescension you're much younger than you realize and embrace it you're also also more than capable of learning how to speak with people and deal with conflict. Because all a relationship is is communication and you're talking about conflict.

So you don't need to have a girlfriend to focus on listening when you're in a disagreement with someone and letting them speak and hearing them speak and hearing them out and not waiting to respond right and let someone feel like they're heard before you choose to respond to them with the things that you're frustrated with them right you can learn those skills you know and there's a lot of people in relationship not learning shit they're just

arguing with their partner you know what i'm saying like being in a relationship does not guarantee you're learning how to be a good partner like not at all right it can happen but it has to do with the individual prioritizing what they want to make out of any situation so someone in a relationship if if they are, in fact, most people don't work on themselves in a relationship. Like, you know what I'm saying? Once you have the thing that you want, a lot of people have this mindset, well, I have what I want.

I don't need to work on it, right? So when they deal, when they have conflict, they're not thinking about how I can be a better communicator and am I doing this right? They're thinking about winning the fight. They're thinking about being heard or being seen or being right. Right. So, so many people in relationships are not developing the skillset. Yeah. They're, they're experiencing these situations. Right. But like, think about this, like you can go to the gym every day and you can work out for five hours. And if you don't have anyone who's ever taken the time or a coach and to like show you how to like lift weights, there's a million different ways you can like lift out, lift weights and work out incorrectly. You can have bad posture, like you can do squats, right? And have an arch in your back and lift with your back, even though you're supposed to focus all of your energy on your legs, right? You can, you know, and so you could work out every day and be doing it completely wrong

and not fully working the muscle groups you're intended to and honestly not getting the like impact but you're at the gym you're there yeah you're in it every day you're like i go to the gym five hours every day you do this for an entire year and then all of a sudden after a year of going to the gym for five hours every day you finally sit down with someone who's like an expert in technique and weightlifting and as a trainer, and they look at you and go, what are you doing? You're doing it all wrong. You're like, I don't know, but I've been at the gym every day. So I know what I'm doing. You know what I'm saying? And the way you're talking to me is if going to the gym every day and just being there and lifting is going to get you the experience

that you require. And I'm just trying to say this to you, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I don't think you're wrong for being picky. Now you have to ask yourself, all right, I'm questioning how I'm selecting the people I'm going on dates with. So that's always good to do. So what right now, the women you're saying yes to describe them for me and like if you're in the most honest way what is what's drawing you to say

yes to a first date i mean i guess my type is like white girls i'm half asian i can't really explain why that is um i guess like my i guess my issue is that I kind of choose people. I'm attracted to people. I don't really have a whole lot in common with, and I've been valuing kind of like physical attraction over conversation and chemistry for a bit and trying to like, okay, that's,

that's honest, right? You're not the only one who does that. I listen, everyone, when they, especially when they're meeting on dating apps, you have very little go on,

but you do have a picture. So you're going to, you're going to, you're going to critique your physical attraction to them. There's nothing wrong with that. What a lot of people do when I've been guilty of, and it sounds like you might've been guilty of, and women can be guilty of too, is they get excited about the way someone looks and then they decide that they want to like this person. Then they decide that they hope someone likes them. So instead of actually listening to their answers and paying attention to the compatibility, we filter out what we don't want to hear

and we over-prioritize what we want to hear. You know what I'm saying? So when you go on a date with someone, you can admit to yourself, I'm very physically attracted to this person. Acknowledge that to yourself. I'm very physically attracted to this person. Like acknowledge that to yourself. I'm very physically attracted to this person. Now that doesn't mean they're perfect. That means I am susceptible of ignoring things that are important to pay attention to. And just you admitting that to yourself, like you don't want to like,

you know, be mindful not to like, like go on it it and be like i don't believe what you're saying but like that it's a it's it's it's a reminder that when someone says something whether you like or dislike to ask follow-up questions like they're apparently like i haven't seen the study but i believe i i've heard from someone i trust that like the harvard business school they do all these like studies and they did like dating and relationships. And the number one complaint of people on dates, men and women, is I don't get asked enough questions. Everyone's saying no one's asking me questions, right? That's like selfish people accusing other people of being selfish. Like someone's got to start asking questions, right? So be the person who starts asking more questions.

So when they're saying something, well, what did you mean by that? Why did you feel that way? Especially, you know, when you, when you like, when they say something, don't be afraid to ask a follow-up question to learn more of what they mean. Cause people be like, oh, I like that answer. Let's move on. You know? Or if you don't like something, be okay with being like, don't assume that you don't like, you know, don't dismiss it because it's not a big deal. Ask more questions. Yeah. I mean,

I actually, I've been trying to make a point of doing that in the past couple of years. Um, I asked like a lot of, what do you mean? Like why? I think sometimes I feel like women find it a bit, uh,

overwhelming when I'm like trying to, uh, get so incisive with my like understanding of them on the first date you know so I don't think it's a bad thing though I think like yeah that's like yeah it's well taken usually I think your biggest thing you have to be okay with you have to get rid of whatever timeline you have in your head because you have one. Yeah. Yeah. You have an arbitrary timeline and deadline you have set for yourself and you need to eliminate that.

You're a 25-year-old young man. You're still young. You have a career ambitions. These are all good things to prioritize. There's a good chance that like your future partner is going through the same period in their life and maybe it's just not time right like and i say this as someone who you know still has never been married who's much older than you and absolutely felt the way you feel right now then i don't know when it's going to happen for you but i can promise that if you just embrace

where you are wherever it is that you are and you just enjoy it and you can get frustrated at times and you can feel lonely at times but it still doesn't make it like bad that you're single right it still doesn't make it like it doesn't mean that you're necessarily doing anything wrong it's just taking longer than you initially hoped or expected so like keep having high standards for yourself, right? But just make sure those high standards that you have for yourself go beyond your physical connection with someone. Prioritize compatibility with someone. And when you feel compatible with someone and you enjoy their time, be willing to invest more in those people. And if you find yourself to be incredibly physically

attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you can't date them, but just be willing to ask more questions. And you are going to get a lot of, you're going to go on a lot of dates. And because you are willing to ask these questions, it is going to be intimidating for some people. Some people will feel like you're interviewing them. not like either a interested in is interested in you or b they're not like capable at a mature level of of of answering questions like if they feel intimidated by your questions oh he was just interviewing me well that's someone who's like not like really interested in engaging in a conversation and usually that means it's a lack of compatibility two people who are excited about each other it's not going to feel like an interview it's going to be like he wanted to get to know me you know and and you wanted to get to know her and it will just fit so your biggest thing is just being willing to keep swinging and and and not beat yourself up and not be like on your 26th birthday be like well i'm fucking 26 and still don't have a girlfriend like you know yeah i think the you know the timeline i've been having in my head is like

a good concept to think about trying to like not think about as much yeah because that timeline you're having your head you were 100 projecting that on your dates and it's not your questions that making them feel like you're applying a lot of pressure on them it's this energy of this needs to work out and trust me there's a lot of women who come in, who call in, who that same timeline they have and that same energy they're projecting on their dates of like, marry me. And guys don't like that either. And men do it too to women.

Like men have, like you're a perfect example of a lot of guys out there that want to settle down, who want to get married, who have told themselves they should have, like they don't want to be single and they come across on dates as like overly anxious and overly concerned about being married not not as much about finding the right person yeah yeah you're right i think i'm pretty prioritized i think one other thing that's been kind of throwing a monkey wrench and everything

is that i have like a few different friend groups in the city and like girls from these friend groups that started liking me and for whatever reason things don't work out or like i've liked a girl in one friend group or something it doesn't work out i feel like um i'd pursue more of those if i didn't have the like anxiety that i would be blowing up the friend group if i did more of that you know so i guess like there are people out there you're an overthinker obviously i relate um yeah you're gonna that is something to work on you being overthinking is a trait of yours and it's a good quality and it's a bad quality like you overthinking probably helps you in business and you're a critical thinker and you probably a good problem solver but when it comes to your personal, like you're probably like just overthinking some shit that maybe you just need to do. Right. Like the friend group

would be fine. Be respectful, be inquisitive, be polite, be a gentleman. Things might not work out set up for an expectations. Like if you go on a date with someone who's part of a friend group, acknowledge the fact that there is a friend group. Do we agree to pursue this thing knowing that it might not work out? And if she's like, yeah, I think it's worth a shot. Be like, okay. And like, if it doesn't work out because it might not work out because we don't know. Do we promise each other to try to like be polite and respectful of one another if it doesn't work out? And then granted things are going to evolve and change, but at least it's good to like have that conversation and that's all you can do right like there's always going to be a reason not to pursue something like things going to get complicated you can't avoid all potential problems

in any type of relationship or situation so you're just going to have to decide which ones are worth it because you can't guarantee. It's so relatable right now to so many people. I was like this even before me and my girlfriend decided to be able to like convince myself that it has like this has like a 95 chance of working out you know because otherwise like you're not actually saying a number but you're like you're telling yourself that you gotta you gotta try to stop doing that and when you catch yourself be like all right stop you know like do i like this person do they seem nice does it seem like it has potential if so give it a shot. Friend groups change. You have no idea as a 25-year-old man if these friend groups you're a part of will still even exist two years from now.

I'm sure you'll stay in touch with all of them on some level, but at 25, you have friend groups and you hang out and you do things together and you spend a ton of time together because that's the stage of your life that you're in. But eventually, you have friend groups and you hang out and you do things together and you spend a ton of time together because that's the stage of your life that you're in. But eventually you will settle down, right? Whether it's with these people or part of the friend group or someone else, and everyone will start having kids and get married and move. And you'll just keep in touch through like Christmas cards and like, you know, a text conversation or fantasy football leagues

and things like that. Because like, those will be the things you're like, let's all get to a fantasy football league because we're so busy with each other's lives. That's our one excuse to get together, you know? And that's how it won't be like, Hey man, it's Thursday. Are we going out tonight? It's just going to change. So you're, you're like worrying about ruining a friend group that you don't even know the dynamic of this friend group, what that's going to look like two or three or five years from now. Yeah, no, you're right. And that's where you're overthinking. You're trying to hedge all your bets and you can't.

You have to assume some risk of it not working out. And if it doesn't work out, it will be sad and slightly messy and difficult. But like that's going to be it's going to be all those things with regardless of who you date and it doesn't work out. And if you don't have an existing friend group, you will meet their friends and then she will become friends with your friends and vice versa. You know what I'm saying? Like my ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago is still best friends with my best friend's wife, who I consider a good friend. I don't communicate with her. I don't like associate with her with her but like we just remain friends you know what i'm saying i haven't seen her and like i saw her at a funeral my best

friend's dad died and i saw her and her husband and her kids at a funeral and i was like hi how are you you know what i'm saying it was fine yeah i mean i feel like a lot of girls in the city like the policy of if you guys break up and like all of her friends are no longer your friends i've had that happen to me before. I know. And honestly, the older you get, the less it will matter. But this happened to you in college and it was probably traumatic and it felt more impactful.

It's not going to be as big of a deal as you like. Okay. And honestly, you survived that and that friend group evolved and you're okay now. I understand it felt traumatic in the moment, but don't let that stop you from pursuing people you're interested in.

Yeah, you're right. I think I need to get rid of that timeline in my head. That's your biggest thing, 100%. It's affecting your decisions and your picker more than you realize. I just feel like a lot of friends are getting engaged right now, and it's kind of been a wave of it.

I don't mean to sound like a condescending dick, but half of those friends will be divorced in five to ten years. It's just statistics. You're probably right. They will be. I don't even know them. That's unfortunate, but it's just a statistical fact.

And if not, call us up and I'd love to interview all those people so they can tell how they have 100% of success rate in this group of friends who all got married in their mid-20s. Yeah, it's hard to... You have unique experience in that. I just don't know.

But, yeah. You are doing things that your friends who are married aren't doing. And you're going to be doing things that they will eventually be envious of, too. So grass is always greener. Learn to appreciate the exciting things that you're doing and your ability to focus on your career and create a life for yourself or whoever it is in the future that you can share a very exciting life that you've cultivated while you were single and alone. You can prioritize yourself. That's a great idea.

Yeah. I've been listening to you for three years as well. I appreciate it. It really means a lot. We need more guys calling you in like this. But there's a lot of things in my life that I wouldn't be doing today and I wouldn't be sitting here if I ended up getting married to my first or second or third girlfriend

and I thought I was going to get married to all of them. It's hard not to, right? Yeah, you want to find love. It's hard not to, right? Yeah. Yeah. You want to find love. It's tough. But like, just, just accept the place that you're in right now and learn to appreciate those things.

You know, like you're doing things for yourself and then like, don't let that stop you from marrying someone if you love them. But if it doesn't work out, let that like, get, you need to get good at just accepting things. That's something i had a hard time doing i had a hard time accepting how things worked out because i felt like i could change how things go because it's like if i just worked harder or do something different i can change the outcome and i had to let my ego not stop me from convincing like you know what maybe

even though this isn't my choice i will learn to accept this and it's probably right for me and then i'm going to focus on what this situation is giving me not what it's taking from me yeah that's a great mindset so it's tough man but i think you're going to be fine thanks that means a lot all right you're a good looking guy you seem well intentioned and uh just try to try to enjoy the space you're in it's one of my biggest regrets. And I missed out on a lot of cool relationships with people because I was too focused on meeting expectations I set for myself and setting goals and whatever. And I stopped just enjoying what I was doing.

And there's a lot of things that I wish I would have enjoyed more when I was in the place that you are in your life. Like what specifically do you think about? Anything, anything. Moments with friends, like the coworker, just anything. You're doing things that you're probably, my guess is spending time wishing you were other places or with other people. Just like learn to just take a moment and say, this is pretty cool. I couldn't be doing this one.

Anything you're doing as a single person is something you can't do in a relationship, asking for permission to go somewhere, you know, like checking in shit gets annoying. Sometimes you move in and you're in love. Okay. That's good to know. Going on a dating app. Like it's fucking fun. Sometimes it's just to like do things for yourself. I mean, I've been on dating apps for so long it feels like kind of routine i know but yeah anything you can't do you eventually miss sure california for me now

yeah all right all right well best of luck man i appreciate it thanks take care how's it going i'm good how are you good what's Good. What's your name? I'm Savannah. I'm 32. Hi, Savannah. How can I help? Okay. So I'm stuck in a little bit of a situation. I've been engaged for six years. I have a five-year-old, almost five-year-old, and a six-month-old. With the person you're engaged to? Yes. Okay.

So if you do the math, the ring came shortly after the positive pregnancy test. So the partner and I, I call him my partner now because it's like, how long can you really call someone your fiance? It's been so long. We were off and on for like two years. And then we decided, okay, we're going to make this work. So we moved to a new city. We both got new jobs. We are doing great. And I get pregnant three months later and it's a shock to everybody. And we sit down and we go, okay, we're going to make this work. We're going to stay together and we're going to have a son. So we do. It's great. But then, you know, pandemic hits, adulting hits. We are doing all of the things that go with having a

baby. And we move a couple of times and both get new jobs. And then we get pregnant again. So now I have a six month old. And so lately, here's my problem. He's been pushing to get a courthouse marriage to help with taxes, insurance, that type of thing. He worked for a couple of companies that went public. So he's getting quite a few kind of big chunks of money and it helps when you're married to somebody. So now this includes love? Of course it does. Well, you said he wants it.

I have no opinion on a courthouse marriage. I see the value in a courthouse marriage, but that's just me because I'm just not big on if I get married and have a fancy wedding, it won't be because it's like i'm dying to have it but like i'm happy to have it like it's not me and that's fine but like if i

want to get married it's for love not necessarily taxes but that's the first thing you said but how is that how you feel how he feels well right now at this current, we're just not at our happy, most lovey-dovey. I mean, we want to buy a house. We're taking care of infants and babies and we've got schedules. And I mean, we're not very intentional about like being in a relationship or having intimate time together. I am. I don't know if it's that, like the money type situation, if he feels uncomfortable that we're not married and like my son's getting old enough, he's five now where it's like, he's asking about it. Like even he went to like an offsite recently and he like bought a fake engagement ring or a fake wedding ring because he's like so concerned with like. So why, just out of curiosity, why aren't you guys married? We've just never done it like it's not like a he doesn't like it's not like so it's not like you want to any more than he does you

just haven't he wants to he wants a courthouse marriage no you don't want to i want like a wedding i want like to be in a better place in a relationship okay and but you do want to get married yes he's the person i want to be with i mean he's a relationship. And you do want to get married. Yes. He's the person I want to be with. I mean, he's the father of my kids. We're very much in love. We just,

I mean, so you want to wait until you're happier. Yeah. And have a wedding. Like I want, well, those are two different things. Those are two different things.

So you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're combining them when you're talking to me and they're two different things so if i'm hearing you right you have two different things that you want when

we're getting married you want a ceremony okay it's valid you have the right to want that and you want to feel like you're in a happier place with your relationship if i'm hearing you right is that correct yes okay well the ceremony is ceremony is something you guys can agree to do, right? That is an option. At any point, if you get married, you guys can determine what is the appropriate size and how much you want to spend and how large and how many guests and how big of a deal you want to make out of it.

That's something every couple has to agree on, right? That can be challenging but that's you can do it the happy part well like again there's things you guys can do like you said we're not very intentional right now when they're dating we have like distractions and kids and you know and that's honestly sounds like a relationship sounds like a marriage with kids and jobs. Right? Like people who are listening who are married will be like, yeah, sounds great. So a couple of things.

One, either have to decide to change that. Be intentional. Prioritize. Stop making excuses for why you're not making each other a priority. Stop making excuses for why you're not making each other's feelings a priority. Stop making excuses for why you're not going out of your way to make the other individual feel loved both of you right but like you may not you also have to ask yourself am i being realistic for how i want to feel for when i get married at this point given the relationship i have chosen to be in you've chose you guys got fine, but then you chose to

cohabitate and then you chose to have a second kid and you've chose to play house and play marriage without being married. You were part of that choice. And with that comes the stresses and complications and the unsexy side of being married and the challenges that come with it that can kind of take the romance out of a relationship if you don't put forth the effort. Yeah. So, and you have to ask yourself, what is realistic given our current challenges? Because like some things might be out of your control. Like, how long are you willing to wait to be as happy as you want to be? Because that might be a goal post you never meet

because you're talking about a feeling and you have to like is it both your feelings what if you feel happy but he's like i'm not there yet it's so subjective you know and at the end of the day maybe that one day isn't the end all be all it's just a wedding the marriage is what's more important people often prioritize the wedding over the marriage i think that's nuts but like so many people do the wedding is a day the marriage is hopefully a lifetime and if and as you know being in this relationship whether you whether you're married or he has a fake ring or a legal ring or whatever the fuck you know like this shit takes work you know and it's going to always take you guys prioritizing each other and setting aside a time for each other and yourselves and the relationships even at the expense of like you know getting a babysitter for the kids or whatever like any

marriage or any relationship i don't call it if you have a marriage you have kids you have to prioritize each other you have to set around side time to be intentional about how you guys make each other feel and if neither of you are willing to do it or one of you aren't willing to do it then both of you won't feel that way and you're right and i day is not doing the work yeah so i feel like we're like we're in the heart of like doing the work like it's a lot going on and everything like that and it is just kind of a formality he's been pushing this courthouse thing and i've been like no i want to dress i want okay to feel special but maybe that's just not he said we'll we'll do it one day we'll do it one day no well you say listen i want this i'm not i'm willing to be reasonable i don't need a whole fucking thing but i want

the people i love the most whatever that is a handful of people siblings closest friends parents if they're still around i don't know who those closest core people are. You have a right to include them. You have a right to be able to wear a dress and spend a little bit of money and be a little bit reasonable, right? Both of you. This is something you should be able to compromise on. That's all this is.

It's just another compromise. Like someday is not a compromise. Someday is a deflect. So that's not fair for him to deflect. And you have the right to say, that's not fair. Let's get married. We've been doing this.

And if you're not ready to get married right now because of how you feel about how things are, then you guys, have you openly discussed that? Have you guys said that to one another? That like right now, we're not doing a good job of, I don't feel the way I want to feel to get married to you have you said that to him no well you should in a way that doesn't come across like

it's all his fault you say i love you and i know we both play our role but i would like to feel a little bit happier getting married now before you do ask yourself if what you can what role you're playing in that and you lead with that you lead with like what you would like to if what you can what role you're playing in that and you lead with that you lead with like what you would like to like what you would like to try more for yourself and you see if he's willing if a he doesn't feel the same way and will it does he respond with things he would like to work on i wouldn't definitely start the conversation by saying i'm not happy do things different because you can acknowledge it. Like,

you know, there's probably things you could do. There definitely is. He has the right to know like why, if he doesn't know that you're not, your state of mind is not where you want to be to get married. It's not, how does he fix that?

You're right. It's not about the wedding. It's about the marriage. And we've been doing the marriage nitty gritty stuff for six six years and so i'm still holding on to this like that doesn't fairy tale we're in love married making out you know but you can have all that and just because they say you should prioritize the marriage of the wedding doesn't mean you don't deserve to like have a special day yeah and that's my point. I mean, he's very much like pragmatic, like taxes, like we'll get 20% more money if this happens. Sure, and that's fine.

There are either unsexy practical conversations that husband and wives have with each other or partners who are cohabitating. At this point, I think legally you're just like considered like we're domestic partners yeah so like whatever and you have kids together so even if you like broke up there would be fucking finance like you guys are forever connected and there's unsexy conversations that have to happen but it doesn't mean you still can't have conversations that bring romance into the relationship that make you feel special and like make you feel like there's love there and that might mean a wedding of some kind and you do have the right to want that and feel that right and it's it's called a compromise you say what you want and then he has the right to say well i mean that's a lot of money is it really worth like

spending x y and z on this where we can invest into our kids this or this or maybe we can take a trip i don't know everyone has a decision like I have certain things where it's just like, that's ridiculous. I'm not spending that. It's just not. If you want that, go nuts. But I don't. You know, everyone has like, and you have things where you're just like, I don't see that. Like, you know, if he drove home with like a sports car, I don't know what your interest in cars are, but let's say there's zero interest in cars other than getting around.

And he went and spent the money on that. Like you might have an opinion about that. I would. You know? And so, you know, those are conversations that you have to have in relationships, but it doesn't mean you don't have the right to treat yourselves and treat each other

and make each other feel special. Yeah. And I feel like that's the problem more than the courthouse wedding situation is that we're just not finding the time to make each other feel great. And so when it's like, let's run to the courthouse to get married, I'm like, okay. So I think the conversation is something like this. One, babe, I'd like to tell you how I feel lately. I love you by the way. And there's things I'd like to tell you how I feel lately. I love you, by the way. And there's things I'd like us to work on. And I'm thinking about things that I'd like to work on myself.

And I'm curious how you feel about what I just said. Hopefully, he says, I'd like, you know, I get what you're saying. I feel a little bit too. I'd like to work on this too. Thank you for saying that.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Maybe you guys go to couples therapy to help you like have some of these productive conversations. And then two, you say,

when we do get married, cause I want to, I'm asking you to like, I would like a day. I don't want to get married in a courthouse. I don't need a big thing, but I'd like for us to compromise on doing it sooner than later when we're happy,

not putting it off. We've have a chunk of money that you've been like, great. And like, I want this, please. I'm asking this. Do this for me, please. It would mean a lot.

Say what he says. Okay. Was it helpful? No, it was totally helpful. Yeah, that's a good insight. I thought you were going to say all of those things. I can see you not wanting a really big wedding. I'm fine with it.

But if I'm willing to have a bigger wedding than i want for for the for natalie yeah for the person i get married to within reason it's like but also like i i also feel like she's a reasonable person like we're on the same page but like we might have i don't want some huge shindig exactly i don't know if i'm allowed to say this but um but you might want more than him i do and that's okay i i don't know if I'm allowed to say this. But you might want more than him. I do. I don't want a courthouse. It doesn't make him an asshole and it doesn't make you a gold digger. You know what I'm saying? You just have to compromise.

You're right. Okay. It's got to compromise. More importantly, you have to be willing to have the conversation. You're not willing to have conversations about big things. I know.

Not right now. I've just been nervous to do it. He's your guy. I mean, this is... I just emerged from baby land. I know. I just need to do it. Why does it have to be a confrontation? It's a discussion and there's nothing wrong with getting a couples therapist to help guide you through

these these things and if you're not getting couples therapy right now i absolutely think it'd be something to consider it's not like a negative thing it's not a sign things are bad and you know it's something something like a lot of guys might he might respond that way but let him know that i told him that it's not a bad thing i won the uh like the wedding that ben higgins was promoting probably like i don't know three four years ago and we got like pretty far into the situation and then he was like it's too much like i don't know when ben was like marrying people whatever yeah i almost did it i was gonna marry you so he put on this huge wedding in colorado with 10 couples i don't know if you he promoted it i remember you were gonna be one of the 10 i was

i was selected as one of the 10 and i got pretty far uh and then we had to fly out to la to do some like press stuff and he was like this is way too much like and and he had a right to say that's not for me i don't know honestly i wouldn't want to do that shit a lot of people would it's like you know these are just all things that people have a right to like freely talk about and it's okay. And we like, I think sometimes as couples, we have a way of making our partners feel like they're wrong for having a feeling about something. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. So just acknowledge his feelings about the courthouse and he needs to acknowledge your feelings about wanting something.

And then you figure out how to close that gap and compromise. Okay. No, you helped. You helped. Thank you. All right. Best of luck. All right.

Let us know how it goes. Send us a follow-up when you get married. I will. All right. It won't be at a courthouse. Okay, bye. Again, that's good. That's a good non-negotiable.

That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that being your non-negotiable. I know. All right. Okay. Take care. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Okay. Bye. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow with Morgan Apsher going to talk about all the latest freestyle, you know. Some headlines. Headlines. Headlines. We're just going to talk some shit.

And by shit, I mean just shoot the breeze. Shoot the shit. Shoot the shit. shit and by shit i mean just shoot the breeze shoot the shit shoot the shit uh going deeper on wednesday and we'll have some hopefully new office hours bye