The Viall Files - E418 Ask Nick - How Do I Find Love In Hookup Culture?

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we dive in once again to give advice on your burning questions around your relationships. Our first caller has family trouble when her cousins constantly plan expensive trips. After our caller can’t make the latest event, her cousins refuse to pay her back for the down payment, even if it was just $15. Now our caller wonders how not to lose her family over some money. Our next caller is a college student who comes in with little dating experience. Now, having to navigate a crazy world on her own, our caller wonders if she can find love in hookup culture. Our last caller recounts a road trip she had with her friends with benefits. Now when he drops the L-Bomb on the road, our caller wonders where to go next, especially when this drunk admittance may not be as solid as she thought.  “That boyfriend is becoming a paperweight.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Framebridge: Go to http://www.Framebridge.com and use promo code VIALL to save an additional 15% off your first order. ShipStation: Sign up using promo code VIALL for a FREE 60-day trial today at http://www.ShipStation.com and start saving with every shipment.  Chime: Get started today at http://www.Chime.com/VIALL Ten Thousand: Go to http://www.TenThousand.cc/Viall to receive 15% off your purchase! Peloton: Visit http://www.OnePeloton.com to learn more.  Blenders Eyewear: To score 15% off your Blenders purchase, visit http://www.BlendersEyewear.com and enter promo code VIALLVIP Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What's going on, everybody? Was that different? It's like a punch to the face. Usually it's like, what's going on, everybody? And that was, what's going on, everybody? Yeah, the what was shorter. Anyways, welcome to the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Welcome.

Thanks for tuning in again. Yeah, welcome. We have a great episode for you today. We have a great week lined up for you. We might have other surprise guests. We have also Erica Priscilla and her husband Scott, friends I've made, Natalie and I made at Coachella. A delightful, hilarious couple.

You might know Erica from TikTok. She's a TikTok star. But also just like good people and really funny. And she'll, uh, I promise you'll want to listen to it. I promise. I promise. Uh, we have an update for you.

Yeah, we do. Um, if you listen to our office hours, our new segment called texting office hours, we, uh, spoke with a girl, her name was Kendall. Um, she had been texting this guy and the last thing that she had said to him was nice right yeah so yeah well dead in the water we did this we did this and we premiered texting office hours last week in undergoing deeper episode with Mary from selling sunset if you haven't listened to that, check that out. Like Ask Nick, like this, but like a mediation, but also different.

People call in specifically with a text thread conversation that they are stuck. They know how to respond. And in this situation, it was like a dating situation that had started. It was some movement. It slowed down. Kendall had asked him, basically, she wanted to get together that night. instead of saying let's get together tonight she just said what are you doing what are you doing he responded with what he was doing which was not hanging out with her and she had just said nice and which i have found recently that it seems to be a theme for people who like to be chased whoever they are he's avoiding eye contact he's avoiding eye contact

with me no maybe there's some men who like to be chased but no there absolutely are 100 whoever you are if you like to be chased it it it seems like uh a common theme is to uh try to get your person to chase you which by just doing these endings by doing these kind of passive aggressive cryptic things shoplifting being like come and get me yeah and like technically you're chasing you're just being really indirect and confusing to both to yourself and the person you're chasing so ultimately ultimately, what did we, I told. So Kendall let us know that she followed Nick's advice. After no dates and little communication,

I texted him straight forward about FaceTiming or planning a date this week. And he responded, of course, and we can plan to do both. That's simple. So now she has FaceTime and a date. I'm going on a date this evening. Nick, you're two for two I'm two for two

with this yeah on both situations you guys are ready to walk away yeah I thought I would never talk to my dude

ever again and here we are here we are here we are I was sending very similar texts they were just like if you're excited

about someone it's okay to chase I think it's hard for women, though, because we've always been trained not to be, like, desperate or clingy. Well, there's a difference between chasing and like, I mean, I think we need to change the stigma around what it means

to chase. Do you guys see men as desperate when they're chasing you? No. Society. The patriarchy. No, as long as... It's always... Yeah, there's definitely like a desperate way to chase.

Sure. But there's ways to chase that are desperate, to your point. I mean, you can look... Yeah. But typically, it's like what a valid effort.

there's a time where you're just like, hey, buddy, you got your answer. Yeah. You know? Take it easy. But, you know, we've all heard the stories

about like, he asked me 15 times before I said yes, and now we're in But, you know, we've all heard the stories about like, he asked me 15 times before I said yes. And now we're in love, you know, like Ashley Iaconetti chased Jared for years. They have a kid. You know, sometimes you have to fight for what you believe in. And again, we are constantly trying to change so many things about dating. We're trying to change so many things about dating we're trying to change gender roles we're trying to uh hold both genders and dating more accountable we're trying to navigate online dating

which is like absolutely revolutionized the world of dating yeah we're participating in hookup culture we're sex positive where all these things are much different than years ago. But yet we still want to go about dating using the same playbook. And that playbook being like, I don't know, I get, I want to be chased. I should get chased. I don't want to seem too desperate by like saying, how about a date? No, I also think there's like this big misconception that when you, I think part of the appeal to being chased is that there's like you get this for I personally get this like false sense of power where I'm like they're the one who's asking me questions I can choose how long I want to like wait to respond and it's like that's not actually power power is like being in a place where like you don't need like bs text communication to

validate like your discomfort like the power is in being like i know what i want i know what i'm looking for and if this person fulfills it great that's awesome but i don't know whether they will yet and then exactly the but like the false version is you're like oh but they're texting me so i have all the control and it's like but do you have control of your own emotions no at all yeah well that's the thing like not not looking desperate is not giving away your power like natalie if anyone chased anyone natalie chased me we wouldn't be together if she didn't believe in that the fact that she thought we would work out that we would be compatible that we would be a good match i

dragged my feet for whatever reason and she fought for it and i'm very grateful that she did and at no point did she ever like lose her power. That ever, that she never looked desperate or, and she never like felt desperate because she was always in control. She always put out what she wanted. And when she didn't get the answer she wanted, didn't want, she accepted it and either, and just responded either by, you know, doing, dating other people or or just distancing herself or or just accepting my answer and then not like trying to like keep talking about something that we already agreed on in that moment like she just tabled it for a time being yeah and to your point like i think when people are considering

whether or not to chase or like are reluctant to chase they're like only thinking about what it would feel like to get rejected after chasing and not thinking about how gratifying it would feel to know that you like took a little bit of a risk or what felt like a risk put yourself out of your comfort zone and like showed up for something that ended up being like a beautiful element of your life like that's such a like i think that's such empowering knowledge you know that you stuck with something even though it was like maybe challenging for your ego at times but like all i think about is i'm like i'm gonna feel like an idiot like when they reject me yeah well there is a chapter in this book called uh don't text your ex happy birthday which i wrote my ex did call he was like you didn't reach out for my birthday and i was like sorry my boss's book is called don't text your ex happy birthday amazing uh and there's i say

it's called there's a chapter called rejection uh is uh isn't say it's called, there's a chapter called rejection, uh, is, uh, isn't failure. It's clarity, which that's how I, I believe in it. Like think of all the times people listening are out there or Allie in that moment, how powerless you felt wondering if you were being rejected, not knowing if you were rejected, wondering if they wanted to go out with you, not being entirely sure. That's like torture. Well, my irony, too, is I again, we talked about this on another episode.

I left the first date being excited, but then also monitoring that and being like, God, I can't get too ahead of myself. And so then I was sending all these like cryptic short texts. I remember my biggest fear was coming across like I didn't have the power. And I remember showing all the texts to my friend's boyfriend. And he was like, no, no, you for didn't have the power. And I remember showing all the texts to my friend's boyfriend and he was like, no, no, for sure you have the power. And I'm like, yeah, but we weren't getting to a second date because I was like, you nailed it. Go to bed. True. Bye.

Wednesday or Thursday. You just randomly texted out of nowhere, Wednesday or Thursday. It was an hour after our other conversation. Your success will be there tomorrow. Shut up. That was a deleted text. I, my parents are coming to town.

Very exciting. What a transition. Sorry. No, I just wanted to like, I just wanted, I had a little update. Amanda's done with this conversation. No, I'm sorry. Do we have more to say?

I just thought you were going to move on and I didn't want to like. No, this is great. No, okay. My parents are coming to town and I was like, I'm not going to like fucking ask my new boyfriend to meet them like that feels like very high key and a lot and then yesterday for his birthday when we were hanging out like i made a joke about something about my parents coming to town and i was like oh fuck i'm worried that that's gonna

come off as like passive-aggressive when like i genuinely like don't but he just like expressed like some like very mild genuine interest in meeting my parents. Yeah. I don't get why meeting someone's parents is like, why we put it on this pedestal. I think because of like, I just think that's like a different level with people. It doesn't have to be. I feel like it's like a much more. It's like they're there.

They're in town. But you're like, you know how you're like intentional about like if you have a's like they're there. They're in town. You know how you're intentional about if you have a child and you're dating. You're intentional about when you introduce partners to that child. I think it's a much more watered-down version of that. But it's like you're getting the family involved. I don't want my... It really depends on the type of parents.

I've never felt that way because my parents are just not judgmental people. Your parents are lovely. Maybe it's the point... Even when I was 18 or 19, my parents are just not judgmental people. Your parents are lovely. Maybe it's the point. Even when I was 18 or 19, my parents just were like, hey, you're an adult. No, my parents are arguably too non-judgmental.

But I think it's just the fear of being like, oh, this is a societal milestone. Even if it can be very easygoing and chill, and it's like, my parents aren't going to make a big deal about it. He clearly is like, I don't know. I love it. I mean, it sounds like you did a great job where he just like mentioned that they were there and he expressed an interest well he like mentioned it before and

i'd be like you don't i'd always framed it as like a you don't have to you don't have to which i realized after the fact because like i just i really appreciate the way he communicated around it because it wasn't like a, why won't you? Or like, I don't want to. He just like expressed some like really genuine interest. And I was like, wait, do you want to meet my parents? And he was like, yeah, I would love to. That sounds great.

Like I like meeting parents. Like it was very like easygoing. It was not as big as I thought it would be. And then I like, like today I was like, huh, if his parents were coming to town and he didn't want to introduce me to them i think i would feel a tiny bit like you don't think i'm good enough to meet your parent well that's the thing i just don't get why we whoever we are like makes it a milestone i just put in the comments do you think meeting the parents is a milestone because i'm curious what other people i think most people treat it like it is and like yeah you're gonna get your parents opinion whether like they're judgmental or not like

oh he's nice or not nice you know if they are judgmental i get how that could be a challenge a much more intentional you know decision but like i think more people it's less than the parents it's like we decide oh well they met my parents like your relationship doesn't like you and in bar guy it doesn't change yeah but it does feel more vulnerable because like i just i like really love my parents i just feel like i it's like i access like a whole different side of myself when i'm with them like i think when you see my parents in my relationship like it's a very like so you're afraid how he's gonna you how he's gonna see you around your parents no i think it's just like an added level of vulnerability because it's like that an added level of vulnerability.

Because that is like the center of my heart. It's like my relationship with my parents is something that is so, in terms of me being myself or being this very, very authentic, unfiltered version of myself. I think I very much access that with my parents. So it's like just the intimacy of showing someone that. Not that it's like a big deal of showing someone that not that it's like a big deal i think it i think it's an it can be a nice moment right because i think when you see someone with family you see a side of them and that can be like oh like you you can be very endearing but i'm just saying it doesn't like people treat it as like this mild like once you

cross that threshold it's like you have different expectations. That's what I don't think you should do. I don't think expectations of where the relationship is or where it's going needs to change just because you happen to run into someone's parents or their parents are in town and you meet them. I see it as an opportunity only, an opportunity to meet their parents,

to see how they are with family, and see how that's cool. But I feel like a lot of people, and I could be wrong, I feel like a lot of people are like, well, if you meet my parents, then what does that mean about where we are? A lot of people call me and they met my parents, just so you know, they met my parents. It's like, okay, great. You can still break up tomorrow. you know, they met my parents. It's like, okay, great.

You can still break up tomorrow. Yeah. And I would also argue you show different, everyone does this, like different sides of yourself, no matter who you're around, different levels of friendship, your roommate versus friends,

family versus friends. Like, again, even my friend and her boyfriend the other weekend had never seen my friend act as like crazy as she was because I was around. And she's like, well, this just happens when I'm with Allie. But like, that's a different facet of her. The biggest compliment I've never seen my friend act as like crazy as she was because I was around. And she's like, well, this just happens when I'm with Allie. But like that's a different facet of her. The biggest compliment I've ever gotten was when my friend's boyfriend said, and this friend, she like, she works in politics. She's just one of the most like morally upright, like competent, like international debate champion.

And her boyfriend was like, I have never seen her be more inappropriate than when I went out to dinner with you. And I was like, yes, I bring it out of her. That is, yes. People bring things out of us. It's just a different facet. Yeah. And wouldn't you rather him see that now? No, now I'm like excited about it. Depends, depends. Now I think I'm excited. Well, I'm also like, how crazy

it is. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. I'm trying to, well, I'm also trying to like, suss the vibe with like, what kind of mood my parents are in. Also, sometimes my mom is very unfiltered. Families are weird, you know, they have a way of like wanting, like some families like feel like the need to be like, we're going to make fun of you now, you know, like, it's like great.

I feel like my parents would just like get really intense about progressive politics or like, like one time my mom. Why? Like they love talking about politics and we don't fight about it. We just, we agree loudly. Like we, I, one time, like someone was coming, like a plumber was coming to fix something and the guy was like, oh, like, can you set like, look, check out this form XYZ. And my mom went, I'm useless. Unless you want your uterus removed. She's a doctor. You need to go to my husband doesn't know yeah this is not it's not like a hobby little thing on the side she'll say stuff like that where it's like i think when you meet my mom you're like oh i understand why amanda is the way she is in certain ways and so i'm also

like curious to be like what kind of mood is karen in this trip your mom's name is karen yeah that's awesome bar guy's gonna sit down with them and be like so do you of mood is Karen in this trip? Your mom's name is Karen? Yeah. That's awesome. Bar guy's going to sit down with them and be like, so do you as well go home in the middle of the night? Do you hit the road at two? Oh my god. I feel like he's going to be so charming. He's very charming already with people in general. Amanda's in love.

Amanda's not in love. Amanda started dating someone a month ago. Is the piece of plastic in your wallet doing enough for you? Because with the secured Chime Credit Builder Visa credit card, you can start building credit with everyday purchases and one-time payments. You see the credit builder members can increase their credit history with no annual fees or interest. And having a good credit score can mean getting better car loan rates or renting apartments easier or just bragging rights around the dinner table. So continue your credit journey with Chime. Sign up takes only two minutes and doesn't affect your credit score. Get started at Chime.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's Chime.com

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maybe you're in a fight with someone and you just need like need help drafting that next message. And you think it's a really important moment in this text thread, email us at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K. We'll help you out. You're calling a few hours. It'll be a lot of fun. Put office hours on the subject line.

Yeah, there you go. Let's get to our callers. What's your time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name is Sarah. I'm 26. How can I help, Sarah? So I wrote in because I need advice on whether I should confront someone in my family to kind of stand up for myself. They've been talking about me behind my back.

So for context, I need two weddings this summer. You should confront. You should be able to stand up for yourself. Anyways, go ahead. Give us some context.

Watch me change my mind. I know. Anyways, go ahead. Give us some context. Watch me change my mind. Like, oh, well, fuck. No. I know. You're going to be like, you're wrong. So I'm in two weddings this summer. They're on the same weekend,

but different days. So the first wedding is one of my best friends from college. It's out of town. It's like a two-hour flight. And then the second wedding is back home Saturday.

So Friday and Saturday, I'm planning on taking the earliest flight in whatever. So my family, so the cousin that's getting married, he's 27, he's male. I'm 26. My family, there's a lot of cousins all around the same age. And we all got pretty close like once everyone could start drinking and going out together. So when we were 21 and my cousins all are pretty close in the sense that their main social circle is each other. Whereas I branched out a little bit, but that's for context on my cousin's wedding party being mostly family. Okay. Okay. So they got engaged in October of 2020. And then in December of 2020, my cousin and I had kind of like a blowout fight argument.

And then we didn't talk for four months. It was a fight about money. So we take this cousin trip every year. It's like 15 people. If there are significant others, it's 20 people. And I had a significant other at the time. I paid my Venmo to my cousin. I said, okay, he's probably going to go, but he might not get off work. So I'm just letting you at the time. I paid my friend, my cousin. I said, okay, he's probably going to go, but he might not get off work. So I'm just letting you know,

if he can't get off work, then the price is going to go up for everyone. It was like a $30 difference. And he said, okay. And so that's exactly what ended up happening. My ex failed. And so then I asked for my money back and then they didn't really acknowledge it. No one really acknowledged me asking for my money back. So then. So it was $30 for everyone else, but it was like, what? Five, $600 for you. It was only like $300 for me.

Yeah. I should have been able to do that math. Shit. I know. I was like, I was like trying to be like. What's 10 times 30? Oh, 300. I forgot you said 10.

All right. So they didn't acknowledge it. They didn't acknowledge it. And then like three days into the trip, we had all been drinking all day. My cousin, the one that's getting married, comes and confronts me. And he says that the group doesn't feel comfortable paying me back. And that if this was a trip that I booked through Expedia, then I wouldn't get my money back on such short notice. Oh, I see.

They're adopting the same policies as a travel agency. The fuck? So then obviously, like I said, I was drunk and I responded, okay, well, you're not Expedia. You're my family. And besides the point, I told you ahead of time that this might be the case. And so then it just turned into this

like big blowout argument and essentially why the reason that was I would I reacted pretty reactively okay I was just like I got defensive and also this argument was like the boiling point of years of this trip kind of resentment that I had built up because they are all so close. So when we go on this trip, we're like the odd ones out, my siblings and I. And to me, it's intentional. To me, they intentionally exclude us from things on these trips, even though we come with them. So all of this came out in this fight and I called them selfish. And I said that I'm not coming on any of these trips again, which I know it's very dramatic, but it was said.

And yeah. So, okay. So he, then I know he held onto that because we tried to talk things out a few hours after the fight, which was dumb, but he said, they held their ground and everyone dishing up 30 bucks, which is essentially like two drinks at a tiki bar on vacation. Oh, they held their

ground and then the girlfriends tried to mediate and they said we'll give you back half. So $15 a person. Where did they come up with this number? They just said like, well, we're not comfortable paying you back that full amount, but we'll pay you back half of what each of us owes it was at that point i think why aren't they

comfortable about it you it's this is me i know correct me if i'm wrong the price was determined by taking the total cost of the trip divided by the number of people going yep and at the time in which you paid your ex was a part of that. Yep. And then you set this up for an expectation that he might not be going, he didn't go, and therefore the number of people going changed, which changed the overall cost of everyone who was going.

Yeah. I don't understand. They were just like, well, you told us too late. You told us too late, we're not paying you back. I mean, this is honestly fucking wild because we're talking about 15 i know and this side of my family likes to flaunt money like they like to throw their money in your face but then when it comes to something like they have money too they're not like they're not like insanely rich but they have money they have money they have money this is not like all the time but yes, they have money. They have money. They go on trips all the time.

Yeah. All right. So you recognize that maybe while drinking, you reacted poorly at a time. So when you're like, oh, should I confront people? Of course, you should always stand up for yourself. It's the how and the when that matters and that people often get wrong. Right. And that's what happened for sure.

And this trip was right after another trip that they had just gone on without us, but they did the same thing to another cousin who got COVID and they wouldn't pay her back for like a trip to Mexico. Are you serious? Yeah. Stop hanging out with these people. Oh, I have.

It's my family though too. Fucking cousins, man. I don't know. The fact that you're close with your cousins, I think is more's my family though, too. Fucking cousins, man. I don't know. The fact that you're close with your cousins, I think, is more... And I love my cousins. I actually literally had dinner with my cousin and his wife. We had them over for dinner. Great.

But like... Well, that's why I said, like, I have my social circles, but they are all very close socially. So, yeah. And also, like, they're not being reasonable. I don't know what's like this this is does it make any fucking sense it's a really strange family dynamic in my family it's like political like there's these three siblings like my parents like siblings that are just like a click and then if anyone else comes in they have to be like the odd one out it's like an in-group

and an out-group so it's so strange so well then who are you who are you debating confronting so because honestly maybe maybe i might have changed my answer it might not be worth your time i know well there's more okay so i had this fight with him that was december 2020 and then we didn't you had this one fight with a particular cousin why because you're the closest with him like why this one cousin oh because he was sent to talk for the group he was sent as like yeah to tell him yeah no one wants to pay me back and yeah but so then like four months later um i think like half the group was okay with it the other half wasn't peloton hey peloton is doing great things in the fitness space, not just exercising

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What did you apologize for? I think I said, hey, I'm sorry for the way I handled the situation on the trip. Looking back, I could have handled it better. I hope we can move past it. Okay. So essentially just apologizing for being so reactive. Not really apologizing. Which is good to apologize because you could have done it better.

Unfortunately, he probably just took it as you conceding that you were wrong about the whole thing. Yeah, he responded and he said, yeah, I've been meaning to reach out and I... took it as you conceding that you were wrong about the whole thing. Yeah. He responded and he said, yeah, I've been meaning to reach out and I also could have handled things better. Hindsight is 2020, whatever.

And then I thought we were fine. I thought, okay, water under the bridge. Why? How are you fine? You still didn't get paid back and you, and you didn't think that,

and you thought you should. Yeah. But so four months had gone by. they paid me back the $15 each. So they paid me back half. And then my ex just sent me the remaining half. So, because he was like, okay, well, you're not going to lose that on the money. So he lost out on the money. So I got my money back.

So your ex paid for half a trip. You didn't go on. Uh-huh. Okay. I know it's so stupid. The fact that your ex was willing to do that. He knew, he understood the dynamic. But like, I mean, I'm not trying to be like,

oh, what an amazing act to get back together. But like, it just speaks to how insane your family's being. Yeah. That your ex-boyfriend, who's your ex and no longer in your life for whatever reason, you guys decided to move on, was willing to pay for half of a trip that he didn't go on because people who are on the trip couldn't nut up for 15 more dollars each and decided to fight with family about it fucking absurd yeah absurd i agree yeah so so i was like it's just i'm still in the wedding i just

want to get this behind us who's wedding and And the cousin that I had the fight with. Okay. Yeah. So yeah. So his fiance asked me to be a bridesmaid because their bridal party is all family. And so then April was the apology. And then all summer long, he likes to host. He continued to invite everyone in our family except for me to things.

So I was like, okay, you're not over it. Whatever. And then I found out the wedding's on the same weekend. I texted his fiance. I told her we figured out a plan. I'm getting a flight back. It's all good. And then this past week, so like a year ago, I told her that the weddings are the same weekend. This past week, my mom was hanging out with other people in our family. And she said that my cousin's mom has been talking shit about me and she said that it's super irresponsible of me to say yes to being in both weddings and that i'm only thinking of myself and they don't think you should go to your friend's wedding i'm over this family like i don't this is a personal thing on me i might be totally everyone's

different for everyone's family dynamic. But, like, my ride or dies are my siblings and my parents. And, like, I don't even, I'm joking. I mean, I love all my siblings and I love my family. But even the siblings I don't like are my priority. Like, I go out of my way to make them a priority because they're my family. Yep. And cousins, like, I'll do my best.

But, like, whatever. My whatever my friends honestly i don't like my my cousin who came for dinner last night he's got friends who are way more important to him and in his life than me and that's just that family dynamic and your cousins want to have this like family dynamic where family comes first even as cousins even if we treat them like shitty fucking people even if we treat them worse than their exes treat them yeah so fuck them i don't know like you're not wrong you want my opinion you're not wrong so like go to your friend's wedding be the bigger person and go to the wedding so you don't make drama out of their wedding they asked to be in the wedding if they want you in the wedding you'd be in the wedding you do it you shut your mouth and you it's like their day and you do their thing because it's not your day it's their wedding and you do whatever you can to avoid any

drama and you just don't engage in drama and when the wedding's done just fucking you're fucking done with this fucking catty little club and click and who's supposed to like aunt betty doesn't get to tell you who you get to prioritize in your life and she doesn't get to tell you that her friends less or more important than your cousin your cousin who by the way can't pay you the money that you they owe you and then gets catty about it like fuck them i don't know yeah yeah so i guess you're saying just i don't think i don't think yeah i actually i i're saying just, I don't think, I don't think, yeah, I actually, I, I did change my mind. I don't think it's a waste of your time to have this conversation before the wedding with these people. I think you would be responding to he said, she said

type of stuff and drama. And then like, Oh, I didn't say that. I didn't say it like that. And it's just, it's going to create more more drama by you confronting and bringing it up before the wedding okay and then somehow you'll be blamed for it sounds like basically how this family works spot on so i would just pretend you didn't hear it and after the wedding if you feel so compelled to try to rectify this relationship then that's up to you. There's a strong case to be made about like, you're never going to win with these people. So you just reevaluate how much you want them to be a part of your life. And you just accept who they are and you accept how they like treat their inner circle. And you accept that, like, listen, they don't really want me to be as close with them.

They want me to do what they want. Like, I don't know, because this is how they've decided, but I don't feel like I am treated as an equal and I don't feel like I have an even say. And that's what relationships are regardless of my cousins and my siblings, my whatever. And like, as far as them being family, I'll show up because that's what family does. And I have friends, I have siblings that we don't all see eye to eye, but we love each other and we show up. And we tell each other we love each other and we give each other a hug and we're there. But we're not the most important people in each other's lives. I don't know all my siblings' darkest secrets. We're not dating every trip together.

And that's okay. Okay. Yeah. You hit the nail on the head with about everything. And I think that's why it was such a big deal when I did say something about the money is because no one really stands up for themselves it's just whatever one person says goes and no one sets any boundaries essentially that's what i felt like i was doing i was setting a boundary you can't walk all over me so yeah and so honestly they're they're kind of being bullies yeah it that's exactly how it feels and like and our bullies often don't feel like they're bullies because they feel right and people often bully each other and and defend their actions out of

righteousness yeah yeah okay so i won't say anything i will just show up and that's what i would do yeah i'm not even saying that's the healthiest or the smartest i do think it probably like i that's what i would do yeah and i was always planning on going to both but i just considered maybe like flipping it on my aunt just being like hey i hear you're worried about me coming here's here's what i'm doing to ease your mind here's my plan but do you really think are you doing it to actually be productive no just don't do it you're just doing it to be petty don't don't match their energy don't commit the crime of which you feel like you're the victim of okay yeah that's not that just brings you to

their level don't match their energy so just be the bigger person set a boundary for yourself decide whether it's productive to bring it up before after we've agreed that's probably not productive to bring it up before show up don't've agreed that's probably not productive to bring it up before. Show up. Don't give them anything to talk shit about. Bite your tongue. Yeah. And you can just kind of consciously decide to be like, I'm kind of done investing in this family dynamic

because until they stop being petty and passive aggressive and talking behind my back and they, and they make a priority and reach out and say, Hey, we really, we really hate how this has gone. And we'd love to sit down with you. And you say, okay, I'm open to having a conversation. And in a non like going out drinks involves situation and you don't have other people who aren't involved teaming up against you. Like maybe it's a one-on-one and like, you just say, this is how I feel. And like, it's not about you telling them the wrong, you're just saying, this is how I feel.

And at the end of the day, if you feel differently, I am willing to respect that and agree to disagree. Yeah. But I am not, what I'm not willing to do is have you tell me how I should think and feel about a situation. And I'm not okay with you telling me who I should think and feel about a situation. And I'm not okay with you telling me who I should prioritize in my life. And quite honestly, I do think it's fucking nuts that my ex-boyfriend paid half of a trip that he didn't even go on because you guys couldn't

nut up for 15 more dollars. I agree with everything you said. And I'm going to do just that. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I i'll show up to both stay out of everyone's way and i think it is pretty clear now that i have a boundary drawn with them i haven't really heard from them much other than court like you know cordial things here and there so and i'm okay with that that doesn't bother me really at all yeah family's weird man so weird yeah family's we're from the midwest too so yeah family loves family loves fucking that fucking drama they love the drama and this is this like it's funny because the same level that i'm at with my cousins just go up one generation and they did the same thing to my parents like it's just like a weird weird bully i was actually talking about this with my

cousin yesterday you realize when you get, like obviously your parents are human. And like when you're younger, it's like my mom and dad are always right. And then, you know, that, you know, that TikTok audio, that viral TikTok where it's like, is it me? Am I the drama? Do you realize that sometimes you remember back in this situation to be like, was my parent, was my mom the drama? Was my parents the drama? Or was it my aunt? And it was always like,

because we both, our aunts are like, you know, and they love, there's a lot of love, but you just realize as adults, like our parents are human. Yeah, they're human.

And they can be petty and they can get involved and they can get worked up and like, you know, the Midwest lifestyle of, you know, marry young in your 20s, have a bunch of kids.

We need stimulation and sometimes we seek it out via drama uh and we and and family is a great source of drama for sure i used to think when i was younger and this is happening between my parents and aunts i was like god mom and dad why can't you just fit in why can't you just be normal unlike them and now i'm like they were probably doing the same thing distancing themselves and drawing boundary because they were not about to be steamrolled like yeah there is no obligation to like invest in people just because their family even if they are shitty yeah you know and you just need a break from these people okay thank you so much that is all right i'm happy i'm

happy that's that was your response well enjoy the friend's wedding have fun thank you so much that is all right i'm happy i'm happy that's that was your response well enjoy the friend's wedding have fun thank you and uh and try to enjoy and do you do yourself a favor and just let it go when you're at your cousin's wedding don't like spend the whole day being angry about the situation just try to let it go okay know that you have decided to set this boundary and you're not trying to be right you're no longer there know that you have decided to set this boundary and you're not trying to be right you're no longer there to hear you have them like admit that they're wrong you're not expecting them to admit you're wrong which is why you're going to distance yourself you know you're not you're not cutting them off you're just saying this this is different

yeah and we've already had some interactions that were like at arm's length where it's just been kind of like okay that's in the past and neither one of us are going to go out of our way to talk to each other but we're we're like fine so good there you go keep it that way fine is a pretty good place to be with family sometimes i agree words to live by all right best of luck all right thank you so much i'm curious i would love an update about how that wedding goes okay it's in june so i'll update in a few months all right sounds good thank you all right bye-bye bye how's it going hi good um my name's anna and i'm 20 years old hi anna how can we help um so i don't have a specific situation to give you. But I was hoping for some advice. So I can give you some background information. So I'm in college. And I have pretty much no experience in dating. Went through high school, you know, not a ton of interest from guys. And I kind of got on the dating apps like right after high school. You know, I went on a few dates and, you know, it's been OK. I've been in like a few

failed talking stages. Just for reference, I'm in my second year, almost done with my second year. And so I just had like overall like some advice about being more confident with like a lack of experience in college and also like navigating hookup culture when you're not necessarily like participating in it. Yeah. Yeah. So I was wondering if you had any words of wisdom. Well, I think, you know, as it relates to like hookup culture obviously it's it's all over but i don't like have the studies in front of me but i remember reading something that there's a lot of people who don't want to participate in hookup culture you know like the fact that you might not be into

participating in hookup culture you're not on an island you know what i'm saying even though it might feel like that at times there are plenty of people who want to take things slow, who want to maybe do, if you want to call it more conservative or traditional dating in terms of like taking, you know, getting to know someone, taking the physical element out of relationships. And I think that's both the same for both men and women. You know, like I, I'm not, I don't think it's just only women want to avoid hookup culture and all men do. I, I, I don't, I think that's the perception, but it's not really the reality, even though you might see it a lot. It doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but it can be found. So I think that's something to keep in mind.

I think the biggest thing is just take it easy on yourself. take it easy on yourself. I think when it comes to love and dating, we decide that we want to start dating and we see some of our friends have, you know, boyfriends or girlfriends and, you know, when you're in love, you're in love. It doesn't matter if you're 16 or 22, you get really excited and you prioritize that person and your excitement, you, it's hard not to talk about even to your friends. And you talk about all your plans you have with your significant other. And if you're one of the people who hasn't been dating, you know, like yourself and you hear it from friends, you see your friends, it feels like you're falling behind.

Yeah, definitely. And I think you just kind of have to remind yourself that you're not. I mean, especially nowadays is that people are meeting their life partners later in life. You're only 20, right? Some people are lucky enough to find their person at 20. Most people these days, they're not doing that right so i think just remind yourself that you have there's no reason to put added pressure on yourself or get anxious just i think just keep doing what you're doing really and try not to get all that discouraged i mean everyone if you listen to this show you know i'm sure your friends who are more actively dating, are they're going to have their, you know, their stories about their frustrations when it comes to dating? I mean, you know, it's one of those things, like if, if you are lucky enough to find something you really like early in life, you get that first serious boyfriend and girlfriend, you kind of

avoid all that, uh, and like 18, 19, 20, while everyone else is kind of like going through it, you're just like, Oh no, like love is fun because I got my person. And they may end up together, but there's also a good chance that they go through a really heartbreaking breakup around 22, 23, and they'll feel like they're starting over all while you're kind of like getting into the swing of things when it comes to dating. I think the biggest thing is to not try to put pressure on yourself or, you know, put yourself in uncomfortable or even unsafe situations because you're, you're, you want to just, oh, I want to go on a date. I want to do this thing. And just, I don't know just you're

on the dating app so are you on just one two are you just on no I'm on two um and I've been on a few dates from them um you know they're kind of like a hit or miss a lot of the times especially on college campuses yeah do you feel like it's a mix of you liking them and and and in terms of like the ones that haven't worked out do you feel like it's a mix of you liking them and and and in terms of like the ones that haven't worked out do you feel like it's a mix of in some situations you like them but maybe they don't like you and then other situations you like them or in vice versa or it's just like you just haven't found that kind of uh mutual interest yeah i was actually gonna ask about that as well because more recently there was something that was kind of the longest

um I've ever like been sort of talking to somebody kind of casually um and it kind of because like again I've never um I've never I don't think I've like ever truly liked somebody so this was the first time that like it was kind of like we went out like five times and had been talking pretty consistently. And I just realized that like I did not like him and like I wasn't that attracted to him. And I kind of felt like disappointed in myself and sort of like, you know, upset that I like, um, I don't know. I feel like maybe I would like set too high of expectations from the beginning, but it was just like this guy that, you know, is, you know, cute. And like he had met my roommates and like, they liked him and, um, like he was everything I think that I'd like been looking

for in a guy. And then I was just like, why doesn't it feel right? Like, I don't know. Um, to be honest, what you're describing, I feel like is a very mature approach to dating. Yeah. You know, I think a lot of people your age, and I know I was no different. You meet someone, your friends like them. You're like, yeah, they fit. And fuck it. Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Why not? I'd like to have a boyfriend and you seem nice and you you check all these boxes and then you end up like building some some kind of connection you date them for a year or two and maybe like grow to like care and love about them only to realize like there's something more for me or you know what I'm saying and it seems like you're qualifying these people faster in a good way and you're taking the time to qualify them right so that you find out faster that maybe they're not your person does that make sense because other people will just be like I like you you seem good enough let's date and then they will make them boyfriend and girlfriend and

date for like a year and a half or something like that so i don't think you should be too hard on yourself i don't think you can be too picky at age 20 well that's my worry is that i am well yeah you're i mean you described one guy you went on five dates with that was nice but you just didn't you know uh you weren't feeling it you know we've obviously i'm sure you've heard us talk about like things like this spark or things like that but right i mean you're only 20 you know you're just getting started figuring out you're only 20 and it sounds like you weren't that active as a dater in your early late teens right so like you don't know what you don't know and so you're curious you just like it's okay to be selfish at this point

in your life it's okay to play the field so to speak and just be like i don't know you seem nice i want to keep meeting other people at at age 20 you can easily go on a few dates and circle back or six months to this guy and see if there's an interest. He might have moved on. He might date someone else. But this is a great time for you to meet as many types of men and personalities as possible. Like, what are your personal hopes and goals for yourself? You're in college?

Yeah. I mean, I'm traveling this summer. Amazing. Yeah, I've been really excited about it. Career-wise, what are you interested in college um yeah um i mean i'm traveling this summer and that's something that yeah i've been really excited about wise what are you interested in yeah um i'm going into marketing so um and hopefully international business so great honestly a boyfriend is gonna come complicate those things often yeah if you were to like if you let's say you got off the phone with me today you got on the dating app you match with this guy and he took your breath away you're like i'm in love i'd be happy for you would be excited you'd be like i finally found it you know 20 years old acting like it's like you've been you know waiting your whole life but

then you would hang out and you would be so excited you want to spend all your time with them and and almost you'd think a little bit less about international travel and what if he didn't have those same passions as yours and then you you know couples because relationships take sacrifice you start negotiating about like well you know maybe i don't really need to do that like i love spending time with you and you you you chase your personal dreams a little bit less and there's a time for that but i don't know if 20 right is is is the time so i think all i'm really trying to say is these are all the reasons why to just take the pressure off yourself yeah you know yeah stay on the dating apps keep dating if someone knocks you off feet, then that's a good problem to have. Then you can start saying, Hey, I do do, you can reevaluate your priorities. You can start,

I like this guy and I don't want to leave him for a summer if I travel and live in Europe. And maybe you do decide to give that up, but that's fine if you decide to give that up, but it will be something you will have to like reconcile. And that will be a quote unquote problem, but it will be a problem because you're in love, you know, one of those good problems to have. But in the meantime, just be thankful that you have this ability. You have these personal dreams that you want to accomplish. You have things you want to shoot for your things you're passionate about and dating for you is a filler. It's something to do on the side. It's something to keep you busy when you have your other stuff done. If I were you, that's how I would look at

it. That's how I looked at it more when I was... I wish I looked at it more that way when I was 20. Right. And I think I'm trying to change my mindset that way like it's good to hear because it's just hard because like you hear so much and it's like that's the environment that you're in um like when part of it everyone else it's it's hard to have people you know people always like i'm sure you get this a lot too in college people asking you so what do you want to do and things like that right yeah honestly at age 20 more people don't know what they want to do. And at 20, your goals might change. But the fact that you have some specific goals and things that you want to do, I wouldn't take that for granted. It's hard for people to have. So quite honestly, people in their 20s sometimes just want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend

because, well, I know I want to be in love someday. I know I want to find love. I know I want to get married. I know I want to have kids. And I'm not sure what I want to do career-wise. I haven't figured that out yet. So, well, I know I want to date, so I want to date. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. So maybe some of your peers' success in dating is their, the fact that they haven't figured out what they want to do personally for themselves. So they're prioritizing dating and putting more pressure on themselves. And maybe they are, unlike you, maybe that guy they went on date, five dates with, they're just like, I don't know, fuck it know fuck it i i have i know women and friends who currently have boyfriends with guys they're like i don't want to marry them but like i just like having a boyfriend yeah and that's fine it's fine to do i personally think it's a waste of time but they like the comfort of having that partner and that is a sacrifice right and now they're they're they're

they're also career driven and they're they're doing things but like it's kind of starting to that that boyfriend is becoming a paperweight and they're trying to figure out what to do it was nice to have because it was nice to like be able to go to the movies and go to dinner and do the boyfriend and girlfriend stuff but like right you don't have to deal with that so yeah i think it's really just changing your perspective and not putting too much pressure yourself and now when you date and if you have that feeling of like i don't know like i have nothing to lose it's it's house money you know i might have i'm probably i don't know probably not gonna have fun but maybe i'll be surprised when you get surprised, then you can really be like, you liking someone? Because you're going

to be like, oh, I have all these priorities. So when you like someone like you're doing now, it's like, is it, and I think, I feel like you're already doing this and it's good. When you like someone, you're asking yourself, is it really worth investing in this person or this is it really worth investing in this person or this relationship? Because I only have so much of my energy to invest. School, future plans, traveling, you throw a boyfriend in there, that's going to take up some of your energy. And they sure better damn be worth it at the age of 20, when even if you fall in love at 20 you guys are going to both grow mature and you have no idea if you're going to grow together or apart and you might break up so why why put so much pressure on yourself to make having a boyfriend a big part of your life at this

stage that is really meant for you to focus on your personal ambitions and goals. And if a boyfriend comes along, great, but why stress about not having one? You have so much other things going on in your life. Yeah. That's how I would look at it. Yeah, no, it's good to hear. And if I thought, this is what I would tell 20 year old me who definitely didn't do that and definitely stressed about not, you know, like, I mean, I had a, I had a serious girlfriend at the time, but every time we broke up, I was like beside myself about, I was going to be alone. Um, so, um, yeah, that's what I would do. Just, honestly, I just keep doing what you're doing and just take the pressure off and stop questioning yourself about whether you're being too picky.

Okay. And when you, you know, when you date, you know, start thinking to yourself, what did I, what are qualities I do like and what qualities I don't like? You know, what are certain behaviors? How do I like to feel around certain people? Because that will help you as you continue to date on, you know, finally like settling down with someone you really want to invest your energy in. Yeah. Right. Okay. All right. That invest your energy in. Yeah. Right.

Okay. All right. That's all I have. Yeah. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Keep, uh,

be the international business and marketing boss. Look forward to, uh, H&M campaigns in the future. Yes, definitely. All right. Thank you so much.

It was nice to meet you. You too. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? Good. I'm Hannah. I'm 24. Hi, Hannah. How can I help? So basically, I've been friends with benefits with this guy for over a year now. I've only only slept with him i've gone on dates with other

guys but i've only been sleeping with him um he recently let me know he started sleeping with other girls which i was okay with because he's single how uh how did the friends with benefits start like we did you guys define that relationship yes okay yeah We matched on Bumble and we hung out. And at the time we both weren't ready for anything serious. So we just said friends with benefits, like that's what we agreed on at the time. And, uh, we've always, he's always been very honest about it. Very open. Um, I ended up catching feelings and I kind of denied it for a while to him and to myself because I knew that's not what he wanted. And then we just went on a trip across the country together as friends with benefits.

And that was after you developed feelings? Oh, yeah. Like, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. Then recently he was drunk, like pretty recent. And he said that he also has feelings for me he's just afraid to date because he doesn't want to ruin what we have and when I asked what does he mean by ruin what we have we're practically dating already he said he doesn't want to have strings to where he's worried about who I'm talking to and I'm worried about who he's talking to and so I guess like what I'm talking to and I'm worried about who he's talking to. And so I guess like what I'm just

like confused about is like, right. And when I asked, he was just like, I just like the no strings part. Like I just like not having strings. No shit. So I don't know. I like his company. I like hanging out with him. I obviously have strong feelings for him and having this knowledge that he has feelings for me now, I kind of just think, well, we might as well just date. We practically are already dating. We've met each other's families. We do stuff other than just sleep together. It's not like that's strictly our relationship. We go out, we go to bars, we hang out, we watch movies. I've met his family. And so I feel like he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him. But he doesn't want to date because that's his way of being like, I can still talk to other girls and sleep with other girls without being committed to you, I guess.

Yeah, of course. When did he bring up that he's going to start hooking up with other women? Well, he told me he slept with someone else. Right after we got back from our trip, he said he slept with someone else. Okay. And when did he get drunk and say that he has feelings for you? Three days ago. After he told you he hooked up with someone else?

Yeah. Okay. And when he said that to you, were you guys like hooking up while he said that? No, we were just both, we were just hanging out. We were both, we both had been drinking and I like, I don't remember how it got brought up initially, but he did say, no, like I do have feelings for you. Like I do care a lot about you. You're beautiful. And then yesterday we talked about it again when we were both sober. And that's when he said he's afraid to date me because he doesn't want to ruin things.

So what'd you say? That's when I said, how are we going to ruin things? We're practically dating already. And that's when he said he just likes having the no strings attached. Gotcha. Well, uh,

yeah, I mean, it might ruin things is the, is the the truth but that doesn't make him right you know things are already ruined right and that's what you need to say to him what we had was fun we enjoyed we had this mutual friends as benefit situation for a period of time it worked for us because we were both in a place where we didn't have relationships. At some point, because we hung out a lot and we were intimate and had fun and took road trips and experienced things

and got to know each other, those feelings evolved and changed. Mind change first has started developing feelings for you. And it sounds like maybe you've learned to like, you know, like things about me, which is, you know, nice to hear. And that is what, and so what you guys used to have,

no longer exists anymore, regardless. So he's, he's being delusional to, you know, I wouldn't tell him he's being delusional, but you could point it out without calling him delusional that like what we had, it was fun. I'm glad we had it. But now, because I feel the way I do, and it seems like you feel the way you do, we're never going back to that anymore. We can't pretend. It was nice to have no strings, but I know I can't pretend.

And I don't know why, you shouldn't want to pretend to not feel whatever it is you're feeling. It's hard to mask our feelings. I mean, we can mask our feelings. I mean, we can mask our feelings for a short period of time, you know, like we might be in a public situation or at work or wherever where we're feeling intense feelings and we suppress those feelings because it's not the time to like, you know, let those feelings show to, you know, everyone around us. But that's the only real reasonable

time to suppress your feelings. And suppressing feelings can actually, you know, do damage to ourselves and our emotions and our mental health and things like that. You know, if nothing else, just kind of make you sad and confused, and it will bring in toxic elements to a relationship. So, you know, I don't know if you need to point that all out to him. You can just keep it simple and say, listen, what we had is fun. Now that I feel the way I do, like it's, it don't longer exist. So the only way to have me going forward is to, to date me, to be with me, to stop sleeping with other people. is to date me, to be with me, to stop sleeping with other people.

Yeah. I think it just scares me to say that because I'm so scared that he won't. You might not. He almost certainly, if you've listened to this show before, he won't respond. It'll probably take him some time. He's going to have to come around because he is so used to this freedom that he's been enjoying. And that's not necessarily a reflection of his feelings for you. It's just maybe,

I mean, shit, when, you know, when we are, again, when we're giving a bunch of options, who doesn't want to enjoy options, you know? Even if you have like a favorite cereal that you eat every day, once in a while, you mix it up with, you know, it you have like a favorite cereal that you eat every day once in a while you mix it up with uh well you know it's nice to always have a some cocoa pebbles you know if maybe we enjoy uh shredded mini wheats on on the regular but like mix it up once in a while so you know he's going to be saying no to that you know and he's going to hope that you uh you know, and he's going to hope that you give in.

I'm just like, okay with it. You can't give in. You're going to be ruining, you know, your chances of actually getting what you want. And what you won't be, you won't be containing what you had. You will be kind of in this new

period of essentially purgatory of sacrificing your mental health and happiness and overall well-being for short-term gratification i think also like he added like that i don't want to date right now part and i felt like that was his way of just giving me enough to stick around like he's like i'll just give her just enough i'll say just the right thing for her to be like well he doesn't want to date me right now but if i keep sleeping with him and let him sleep with other people the time will come and then it just might it will never come unless you make it happen so here's what we don't know how you know right now like he he

right now he doesn't see you as someone it's not clear to him to say, I want to make this person a priority right now. And what we don't know if that's just how he feels about you in general, and it's been a fun run, but it's just like, I never really want to make her a priority. Or if he just feels that way about you because he has had to make her a priority or if he just feels that way about you because he hasn't had to make you a priority and now you have to see if he's willing to make you a priority a priority by forcing him to make you a priority if he wants you in his life yeah this whole time he's you've built a. Yeah. This whole time. You've built a whole, you know, and it's not like, it's not necessarily, it's not really his fault.

You guys created this, again, this hookups, this friends with benefits situation. That's the relationship he's used to with you. So it's going to take an adjustment. But to adjust, you have to force people to change their habits and get comfortable with a new reality, and, you know, you don't do it abruptly. You don't be mean. You're just, again, like, that's how I feel, and then if he says, well, why can't we just go back to the way we had? Because he goes, hey, man, like, feelings change. That's how I feel about you. I assume that's how you feel. And yeah, in a perfect

world, you want this, but I don't. And I hope that you care about me enough that you respect that I don't want to do this or I can't do this. You know, it will be, I'll be upset. And I don't want to like, and if you have the right to sleep with other people, if that's what you want to do, but I don't want you to start lying to me and I don't want to worry about it. And I don't want to hear about it because I like you. So like, it's, this is the new world we're living in. Well, we had a good run that was over and now you just have to make a choice like a grownup. And when he makes that choice, it's not the choice I want to hear. I should just cut him off.

Yes. Right? Yep. Okay. That's going to be so hard. It's like I feel like a lot of girls go through it. Like I just feel like I'm going to lose a friend too because we did build a nice friendship.

No, you will be sad. And you will have to mourn what will feel like a heartbreak, a breakup. That's going to suck. It will, but you'll be okay. And the fact that you choose to do it and the fact that you set a boundary and enforce it will help because you will still feel good about your choices. You will feel good about the fact that you made a difficult decision, but you did it to help yourself and respect yourself. And you did it to help yourself and respect yourself. And you did it knowing that the alternative wasn't going to make you feel any better anyways.

And at least it gives you a chance for him to come around. Because doing the same thing what you're doing now is giving you no chance to give you what you want. And in fact, it will just be a slower, more painful death. Yeah. So you just have to remember that. And don't let them kick and scream. Don't let them, you know, don't let them be mean, you know,

or throw a temper tantrum. And you just be calm. And you're just like, what do you want me to do? And again, explain it to him. How would you, like, do you want me to just, you know, do you want me to, like, you're expecting me to just pretend

that you don't hook up with other women? And I appreciate it wasn't easy to do. A lot of guys would lie, but I also don't want you to stop lying. And I also, like, don't want to pretend that you're not doing it. And that's just, like, mental gymnastics for me, and it's just too hard. And I'm not mad at you. I just, I'm just, I am prioritizing my needs over yours. And I hope that's okay. And I'd love to prioritize our needs together. But if you don't want to do

that, then I am going to have to prioritize my needs over yours. Because right now you're prioritizing your needs over mine. And again, I'm not mad at you for it. Right. But you are asking me to prioritize your needs over my own by continuing to do what we're doing. And I'm just not okay with that. And if you can articulate that in a very calm, like confident way, I'm not saying he's definitely going to come around, very calm, like confident way. I'm not saying he's definitely going to come around, but he will definitely, it'll, it'll be a moment of like, this, this person is going to be okay

without me. And that will, that will get him to come around if he was ever going to come around. Because as soon as they're worried that you're going to be okay without them, they really start evaluating whether they're willing to let you go. Because, but the alternative is when you kick and scream and cry and beg and negotiate and just be like, they're not worried. They're not, when you act like you won't be okay, they will think that you won't be okay. And yeah, the nice thing to do if someone cared about you would to turn come around, but they're going to, they're not going to see it.

You know, their ego is going to tell them, well, if they could be, if they're not going to be okay without you, then they don't deserve you. That's what their ego is going to tell them. Yeah, that, that is all. Yep. It's going to be hard,

but I don't want to make myself look dumb i think i think that's my biggest thing you will look dumb it's just that you will be hurting yourself you will be it'll just be a slow dragged out thing and while you might have to face some heartbreak and disappointment you can still be proud of yourself for doing this yeah and i think it's time it's been over a year. It's not like this has been going on for like six months. Like it's been a while. And,

and, and while you're being sad, you can then start making that, you know, hopeful and gratitude list and things like that. And you can focus on the things that he was unwilling to give you and you can stop, you know, glorifying the relationship

and making it seem like he's irreplaceable or that he has all these things you'll never find. Oh, it's like you're reading my mind. I do that all the time. I mean, you're human. It's going to be probably my first real, I don't want to say heartbreak, but I don't think I'll ever have i've never felt hurt like from a relationship if you're gonna feel it

you might as well do it with a little bit control of control and by doing this you'll have at least some control yeah it'll be an act of taking your power back and that will be most people aren't that lucky they experience heartbreak while you know maintaining some control and power immediately they usually have to like find that after the fact yeah I think I think that's what what will make it better for me

as a person too but if you do it and you are sad do not let him come back without giving you everything you want. Don't give in your moment of weakness and listen, remember this moment right now that I will be really disappointed in you. And then eventually you'll be disappointing yourself because it will be that instant gratification that will end up hurting you. It'll be just like any other hangover. Yeah, I need to do it.

You're right. I do. Everything you said is 100% true. And I think hearing it and talking about it with a biased person that's not one of my friends or not my therapist has really opened my eyes a lot more to it. All right. Well, good luck. And there's a chance he comes around. But do not compromise on the boundary you just tried to set for yourself.

No, I'm not going to. This is what I need to do. no i'm not going to this is what i need to do and i should be with someone who wants to give me what i want if i like you said if i if he cares about me enough he should be able to do that no problem like those other girls shouldn't be more worth it than i am but just be careful when you say i mean you can say that but i would make it more about like just be logical with him you know like i just don't want to like i want to i have to prioritize my feelings or yours if we're not going to prioritize our feelings together and you asking me to continue to do what we're doing is you asking me to prioritize my your feelings over mine and this is not fair and I don't think you'd ask me to do

that. And again, I don't want you to lie to me and I don't want you, you know, and you have the right to hook up with other people and I'm not mad, but I just have to stop doing this because it's how I feel now. And I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. I'm not going to apologize that I think you're a great guy and that you're worth it to me. And if you don't want to do that, that's fine. But I'm going to prioritize my feelings and just make it seem like you're definitely going to be okay. If you're going to cry, cry after you're done talking to him. Right. If you're going to be sad, be sad with your friends.

Don't let them know you're sad. Don't let them know you're crying. Don't let them know that you'll be afraid that let them know you're crying. Don't let them know that you'll be afraid that you're not going to find someone else like him. You're going to feel all those things, but don't give him the satisfaction. Thank you.

You're welcome. Good luck. Thank you. Let us know how it goes. Oh, I will be in your Instagram DMs right away. Alright, take care thank you all right bye thanks for listening guys don't forget to send those questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast for the k thank you for listening we always appreciate you spreading the good word about the show posting on your social telling your friends it means a lot and it does

a lot erica priscilla and her husband scott Wednesday for Going Deeper. You will not want to miss those episodes.