The Viall Files - E421 Ask Nick - Dumped for a Lease

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we dive back into our callers’ burning questions and help them navigate relationships, situationships, and everything in between. Our first caller struggles in dating with setting expectations and giving boys options she doesn’t want them to have. After two years of being single, now she wants to learn to take initiative and control in the unpredictable world of casual dating. Our next call features a couple who is having a tough family situation, where one of the caller’s sisters is struggling with addiction and coming to terms with next steps. Now the caller wonders how they can support her sister coming out about needing support to the entire family, without causing resentment or a rift. Our last caller struggles when she wonders what the limits of a long distance relationship can be, especially when kids are involved. Despite both being outsiders living in Thailand, her partner insists on having his own place a few hours away in the same country. Now, she wonders if she’s been wasting 10 years of her life on a guy who will always be hesitant to make the next move and progress their relationship or if she’s actually very accepting of her situation.  “We can be convincing to ourselves in what we want when we think it’ll get us something else.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ShipStation: Sign up using promo code VIALL for a FREE 60-day trial today at http://www.ShipStation.com and start saving with every shipment.  Babbel: Right now, save up to 60% off your subscription when you go to http://www.BABBEL.com/VIALL MUD/WTR: Go to http://www.MudWtr.com/VIALL and use code VIALL to get 15% off your first purchase. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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it's early how's everyone doing welcome to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by ali and amanda ladies how are you what's going on what's new what's great i feel like i'm kind of back to square one how'd the date go with my guy that's the thing the date went really well just Just like date number one. What did you do? I just screwed up. I didn't screw it up. No, it was like.

So you had a nice date. Yeah. And on that date, we were like planning for the next one. We were like Saturday sounds good because he was like Thursday or Saturday and I couldn't do Thursday. We'd agreed on Saturday.

Which was last Saturday. So we were going to do like, because this was on a Tuesday, we were going We'd agreed on Saturday. Which was last Saturday. So we were going to do like, cause we, this was on a Tuesday. We were going to meet again on Saturday. And then we like, I guess kind of briefly maybe chatted throughout the week, but then no plans had been made.

So on Friday I had asked, you know, are we still hanging out tomorrow? Cause he had even thrown out the idea of like Disney or like something like big during the day. And I was like, let's do universal cause I have a pass and it's more convenient. Are they going to be like, let's do coffee?

No. I was like, what a fun daytime activity. I'm in with the theme park for a third date. Yeah, but Disney is a little too intense for me. I don't want to be at Disney. It felt like a long drive. And so I had thought we were doing something like that. And then this was on Friday night.

I was like, Hey, are we still hanging out tomorrow? And he was really apologetic. He was like, something blew up at work. I'm the only one that knows how to fix it. I'm so sorry.

I've been like non-responsive today. And I was like, all good. No worries. And then he was like, um, yeah, tomorrow,

but it would have to be in the evening. And so I was like, okay, did he just completely, maybe he forgot that we were like planning a daytime thing, but that's fine. And then I, yeah. And I was like okay did he just completely maybe he forgot that we were like planning a daytime thing but that's fine and then I possible yeah and I was like okay great but then Saturday he said he was like feeling sick and then he was gonna go to the doctor but that it was like just a cold and then Saturday night I was like checking in with him of like how are you feeling like do you need anything I can send you stuff like whatever and he was like no I'm

good and then he was like what'd you do you need anything? I can send you stuff, like whatever. And he was like, no, I'm good. Da, da, da. And then he was like, what'd you do with your day? And I was like, I went to Universal with a girlfriend. Like, whatever. Because I still wanted to do something with my day. That was great. And he was like, oh, I'm jealous. And I was like, well, you were my first invite.

Like, hello. You said that? Yeah. And nothing since. You didn't respond to that? Mm-mm. That was Saturday? Saturday night. I'm so curious how you phrased it. you said that yeah and nothing since you didn't respond to that that was saturday saturday night i'm so curious how you phrased it you were my first invite exclamation point okay that's the thing it feels like really good dates but then it's in the interim where i'm like it's just an

interesting interim and i don't like his lack of response i and the thing is i think since we circled around the first time and you know text him and i got your guys's help like i don't like his lack of response. And the thing is, I think since we circled around the first time and texted him and I got your guys' help, I don't even really think I have the wall up per se of, oh, I don't want to text him first. I clearly double text on Saturday to check in. How are you feeling? I feel like I've given myself permission to text whenever I want to

or ask questions and be the first one. And I don't even think that's the issue, but I don't want to keep, you know, it's just like a weird, if he's not into it, I don't want to keep forcing it. No,

I think you've, you've definitely put yourself out there. You're trying to make plans. He's, you know, he's has, he has these excuses, which may or may not be valid,

but he hasn't followed up he didn't respond to you were my first choice because again i was talking my friend during the day who i went to universal with and i was like maybe he did genuinely forget but like we did talk about going so that's why i kind of i wasn't even trying to be petty but i was i wanted to bring it into the conversation of we. You probably could have lost the exclamation point, but like you're my first, I don't know. You're my first choice.

Yeah. I think it's totally fine. You seem very anti-exclamation point. I know. I feel like exclamation points are friendlier than like a period. It really depends. I spend hours slaving away trying to make a text with that isn't all exclamation points. Like I'll be like, what one sentence can I end with a period that doesn't feel hard to me?

Give some variety. Yeah. It's tough. I'm a big believer that generally nowadays people in their 20s, unless they actively are like, I don't want to participate in hookup culture. And I don't mean like, oh i i make them wait three weeks i mean i mean they like go out of their way to avoid like you know any type of hookups and like a dating situation like i think everyone is a fuck boy you know men women and they're just kind of in this kind of non-committal stage and we're all trying to like feel each other out and like if we get people who

are if we are dating someone and we sense their excitement it makes us generally want to like slow things down and uh that's where i think the frustration comes in i also i just feel like because i think there was definitely a time like last year where i was dating in a way like where i was definitely being like similarly flaky to people and it was always just like an indicator that like I was only thinking about like my like own given needs in the moment and like not really thinking about like you know it's like I like would go on dates and like genuinely have a really really good time with people and just like be like shit at responding and it was because like I was just like dealing with my own stuff and I was only thinking about dating as it would look for me and not like another person involved yeah i was actually having

this conversation last night with uh scott and erica and natalie if you haven't listened to going deeper last week you want to check that out we've talked about like people like having main character syndrome whatever i mean if that's like an actual word, but like when it comes to dating, I think we all kind of fall victim of that. It's very easy because dating is so hard and frustrating and complicated to, I mean, put our needs and wants and concerns above all else, which obviously makes sense. But I think it causes us to like, sometimes, you know, not empath empathize with with people we're on dates with so to a certain extent but yeah a certain degree well i also think it's like for me like i've been thinking a lot about like how dating is a release if it is because i think

there's this big narrative of like especially in your 20s like it's supposed to be very fun and also just like new relationships like honeymoon phase like there's a lot of emphasis on like the joy and i think there's a way for it to be a release in terms of it feeling like incredibly non-committal like not just in the like know what are we conversations but in the like literally just like not really feeling like i owe people a text back super early on and then there's like a release where it's like oh i'm being vulnerable i am like connecting with another person like xyz and i i don't know it just sounds like he's you're in a tough spot because like so we kind of had this kind of discovery with our office texting hours which by the way again going deeper last week you you really want to listen to that episode we even have an update but what we

have noticed through office texting hours through alley story and some of our other callers is that there seems to be this like phenomenon when it comes to people who are dating early on who get excited early on about someone they have a date they like enjoy the date and, so that person goes on a date, they get a sense of excitement and that excitement leads to expectations around like expectations and hopes. Oh, I had a great date. I hope I have a next one. Uh, and then with hope we, it's just natural to start having expectations. Not like I expect them to do X, Y, and Z, but like it's that hope versus like, oh, well, I want them to call and I want them to plan something and I want them to do this. As soon as we start having expectations, expectations can cause disappointment because when people don't meet our expectations, it's normal to feel disappointment. Especially expectations we're not communicating because I do not communicate. I am in the same boat. Like I always, I'm like they, I want them to chase me. i want them to like put in effort i want them to make plans i want them

to make me feel special and i like but i'm terrified of saying that because i feel like it's very like counter i'm not talking about upfront expectations that we communicate yeah it's just expectations we have in our mind about like oh well if i really like them and if they like me then they'll do x y z and then this will happen we just we all do we all do this and those you think for one second i didn't get an invite to my cousin's wedding like last week where she suddenly gave me a plus one and i was like shit i have until may 31st to figure out if this person and i will be dating in july exactly so you have these expectations and these expectations when

they when they don't happen leads to disappointment and what we've noticed is that many of our uh there's thing out there where people who who if this describes you out there that once disappointment happens we have a lot of people who are seeing that disappointment as rejection and rejection that it's like it's come and gone it's passed and they are basically it seems like taking this disappointment as like a finality in the situation and it doesn't necessarily mean that it is because in all these situations we've basically resurrected it to like another date now does that mean it's going to end up in marriage or committed relationship? Not necessarily.

That's the hard part, right? The hard part is like getting excited about someone and trying to, to be objective while enjoying the excitement. You know, it's trying to like, you know, still recognize that we have a lot to learn about someone and all the things

that they show us or is part of getting to know who they are. So like this, you know, now you've given them one more shot do i just leave it and i think you just kind of leave it because it doesn't sound like you've done any like the last text you showed us we were like maybe he could you know and all these texts it's like the the excited disappointed person uh texted in a way that might be seen as you know uh i don't know if i want to deal with that with the other person yeah right but like and i feel like i've like consciously taken that to heart since like we met a couple weeks ago of like still putting excitement forward and not like second guessing if i'm coming off as too eager or desperate and just like saying what i want to say and being you know double texting if I like have a question a few hours later and I'm like now I'm like okay well I know I've put at least

a very good foot forward it's it's that fine line between telling someone what you want from them communicating whatever expectations you have I want to hang out I'd like to see you again those are expectations while simultaneously coming across as, you know, it's no big deal one way or the other, but this is what I want. Like I won't, I'm not living and dying by your decision. It's just something I'd like to do. And if you don't want to,

and then we have to see if these people come around. Well, and that's kind of how I feel too. Cause I'm like, I'm not a frequent dater. I don't don't date multiple people i don't enjoy dating i enjoyed the dates with you which is why i'm open to going on another one but i'm not gonna see that's right for it i think amanda puts herself in a good situation because she enjoys dating and then like that's just a coincidence like he's just just like a lucky thing for amanda because you know someone in your shoes who's just like yeah dating's hard i don't fucking enjoy it it's a hassle so as soon as you have an enjoyable experience you tend to put more expectations on that one person that's a really

interesting point about how like because i noticed this with like some of my best friends of like how everybody has a different stage of cultivating relationships that they rock at and I have some friends who are just like I'm like you are wife like you are wife you are like you are the type of person I want to make financial decisions with like you I like long-term things there are friends who are like amazing for like you know relationships and like planning trips and stuff and then there's like the like the me who's like enjoys like the getting to know new people and it's and it kind of sucks kind of sucks. I feel so much frustration from my friends because they're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I know I have a part that I'm really good at,

but it comes after this shit. And I'm not even getting through this shit because it's so annoying and frustrating and tedious. And it happens to be the bit that you enjoy, so you go on all these dates. I don't know i i really think the drink trick is is to not see rejection as a negative you see it as clarity you know like that's the hard part is that in so many of these situations like in ali situation here here we're talking about this guy she's had two nice dates with. He seems fine.

There's some potential there. We've discussed potential red flags. We don't know if they're actual red flags. We're just like, I don't know. Who knows? We really don't know. But because every step of the way he's being kind of cryptic and hard to figure out, it feels like rejection. and hard to figure out, it feels like rejection.

And immediately when we feel rejected by someone, we subconsciously, our egos, put them on some sort of weird platform and some hierarchy of power over us rather than just being like, I'm annoyed by this person's behavior. And seeing it as something, as a flaw in them rather than us worrying about, did I do something wrong?

Could I have said something? Oh, another one bites the dust i i used to be really excited excited and and it's a it's a challenge but like you have to i guess just have to try not to feel like oh i got so excited this you know like you had two nice dates with someone like anyone can figure it out how to like come across as like charming in two nice dates if they really tried it babble babble 15 minute lessons make it the perfect way to learn a language on the go it's you know we need to start learning more languages the the world is becoming more global global bilingual people who know how to speak second languages and i'm not one of them i've learned We need to start learning more languages. The world is becoming more global, bilingual.

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our texting office hours. If you like this ass next stuff, we spent a lot of, we have two office hours, texting office hours. You get into the stuff. If you're someone who is really struggling at this point in the dating situation,

some helpful insights. Also, if you haven't listened to last Tuesday's freestyle, if if you're following the Amber Heard or Johnny Depp episode, we have Janine Driver, who is formerly with the Department of Justice. Really fascinating stuff in terms of just hearing her analysis of Amber and Johnny and what she's seeing in court. Also, my girlfriend Natalie is in that episode. This week we'll probably talk more Johnny and Amber stuff now that the cross-examination has been going on.

And we have Josh Peck on Wednesday. You won't want to miss that. That's going to be wild. Let's get to our call-up. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi. Hi. What's your name? Erica. Hi, Erica. How old are you? 27. How can I help? A little bit of backstory. So I've been single, single since probably about 2019. When you say single, single, what do you mean by that? Like real single. Like in the dating scene, like on and off dating apps, kind of like not even in a situationship.

You say that like you wish you found yourself to be in a situationship. Yeah. I mean, I... No, you don't. You to be in a situationship. Yeah. I mean, I... No, you don't. You don't want a situationship. It's not a good thing. It's a waste of your time. But you have been dating. I've been dating. I would say healthy dating, going on dates, getting to know people. Not often second dates, but that's okay. i think i've gotten pickier about who i let continue to continue down in my life and who i don't yeah how old do you say you're 26 27 27 okay yeah yeah you're like i've been single single for two years if like that's a terrible thing and

it's like no i really wish i was being fuckboyed right now and confused about where I stand. And I wish I was just like, you know, complaining to my friends about some guy who just like shows up at 2 a.m. and gives me some sex, but then doesn't call her. And I wish I had that. Sometimes a little drama can be fun. No, I hear you.

But I'm just saying, let's not want some things that will really make us miserable just because we get sometimes a little lonely and bored. Okay. Being single for an extended period of time on some level means that you know what you don't want and you're willing to say no to things that are a waste of your time. And that should make you feel good about yourself and hopefully make you feel a bit more empowered. That's true. A lot of people who are just chasing love so badly that they say yes to a bunch of things that hurt them emotionally

or just make them sad or just generally unhappy. I definitely see that in a lot of my friends. I feel like I'm always kind of like watching the disasters occurring and I'm like on the sidelines. So I would love for you to change your perception of what being single means to you. Okay. Okay.

Anyways, continue. Okay. No, I feel like I knew this was going to happen where it was going to be derailed and I would learn something. So that's good. Um, so now I'm at a point where I met this guy and, um, we've been talking for about, I would say like a month and a half, we met on, um, a dating app. And like, for the first time, I actually wanted to go on a second date and a third date and a fourth date and like we actually have a really genuine connection and I feel like he's emotionally mature and he has a good job and like kind of I don't know I've been I'm always kind of looking

out for red flags because I'm pretty like aware of those things. So things were going fine. But now that we've been kind of hitting that point where it's like been a month and a half and we've been on like a good number of dates, he is kind of like showing like, we, we talk a lot. We talk a lot. Like a lot of the time that we spend together is talking like we can't get through a movie because we just talk through the whole movie. Like, I don't know. We're both just very talkative. And he is telling me that he's like scared of commitment and like all this stuff and like kind of like starting to make

not excuses, but kind of like, I think he's getting scared and I never even asked like what we were I never asked to be exclusive like I never even put that pressure on the situation so I kind of was a little bit like taken aback by that that I mean that's a question yeah I just feel like I I don't know if that's like a huge red flag or if it's good that he's open about it and that we're able to talk about it I think as it relates to you someone you're excited about someone that you want to get to know more someone that you at least in its early stages see them see him as a potential potentially as someone you would like to commit to and vice versa i definitely think it's a red flag yeah for him to say the idea of committing to you worries him yeah and it you make no mistake he's talking about you

and we all like to like when you hear that i'm afraid of the commitment like it's just some grand general thing and like i don't know this guy's history or what happened to him before but like you know maybe someone broke his heart i don't know whatever but like he's not afraid like it's some people fucking say and maybe it makes him nervous maybe maybe he you know it's very relatable to hang out with you like you he can sense where it's going he senses that you like him but he's just like i don't more real instead of what's more real what's more realistic than him what is more realistic than him being like i'm afraid to commit like what is he afraid of what like i guess you could say i'm worried about getting your heart broken like so is fuck so are a lot of people.

So are a lot of women. Somehow you only hear how guys are afraid of commitment. But like a lot of people are afraid of getting their heart broken. Or maybe he's afraid, you know, whatever. But more realistically, what is he afraid of? He's afraid of committing to you in this relationship and having something better coming along. That's more likely the real answer. Okay.

What was your response? I was kind of getting the sense that he wants to make sure that it's going to go well. He was asking a lot of questions and how would I see an ideal relationship? he was like asking a lot of questions and like like how would i see an ideal relationship and like he doesn't want to get into a relationship that like derails everything he has going on and i'm like what does he have going on like just like family issues like a lot of responsibility with family and work and he just got a new dog like what does that mean did you ask i don't i don't know what that means like in terms you know what that means like family issues sure yeah yeah yeah like his mom has like a medical condition and he has two younger siblings so he's very responsible for he's had to take on a lot of responsibility with the family and what does

that mean for him as it relates to having a girlfriend well that's what i i think time like he's worried about losing time you think time or that's having a relationship here's what he said here's okay that's what he said yeah that's what he said. Time with his family? Like just, can he make someone else fit into his life? Well, I guess me in particular. Okay. How much time is he spending with his family? I know that he's with them like at least every day. Listen, you can't sit there.

No one can, everyone wants to figure out when they like someone and they consider committing to them and calling it like, Hey, let's be boyfriend, girlfriend, or define the relationship. Everyone wants to know whether it's going to work out or not, because if not, we'd rather just not waste our time. Right. Yeah. You can't avoid just taking a risk. Exactly. I get some of his his questions but the only real answer you can give him is listen i like you i hope you like me i don't know what are your expectations for how much like regardless of his mom or sister whatever he has whatever else he has going on in his life it's a fair question in any early relationship is like how much time do you like spending with

your partner every day every other day once a week i don't know like everyone's different there's no right or wrong like some people like you know they might start off in a long distance relationship and the distance makes them like only see each other like once every couple weeks and honestly for some people it's a great way to start a relationship because it forces you to slow things down you can miss them You can think about them. You spend more time talking on the phone because you can't just have sex all the time. Yeah. And that can work for people.

But like, it's just a common question to be like, how much time you want to spend with someone? And then, okay, we start dating. And you can say, to be totally honest, I don't know if I can, if, if I will fit into your schedule, I might find in three months that I would like a little bit more and I would, and I might understand that you can't give it and I might decide to leave. That's just what adults do. If, if this is, if he, if he's actually sincere, that he's a little, that he has some legitimate concerns and he is trying to be matured having these conversations

with you about it then then he should be able to continue to have these conversations and the idea of giving it a shot knowing that it might not work out and and one of you or both of you might come to a realization it's like you're great but like you're right this doesn't fit i want a little bit more and i don't want to make being with me feel like a chore. Like I want, you don't want to want to hang out with me. And if either you can't, or it's just not a priority, that's okay. But like, I'm going to suss that out early on. Yeah. No, I think that's a good response to him. I think too, like the last thing he said, which I'm kind of avoiding, but this is like, so he, this was actually a few days ago. He, he constantly is like, kind of like, I think he just talks out his thoughts. And he was telling me that like, one of the main things he's scared of, in addition to all the other stuff I said, is that he's scared to cheat in a relationship. And I'm like, okay, well, now this is a whole bigger can of worms.

Has he ever cheated? Yeah. And he was open about it and explained the whole situation and everything. And so as someone who's cheated before, and then sounds like he might have hurt someone or hurt himself, that wasn't enough to make him be like, I'm not going to do that again? Well, that's what I'm saying. And like, I just think it's strange that he like said that out loud.

And I think it was honest. Yeah. I mean, I appreciate the honesty, but obviously that makes me feel a little like uneasy as well. To me, it sounds like a guy who probably deep down knows that he's not willing to prioritize a girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. And I know the whole thing about you can't change people and all that. So I'm just at the point where I'm like, I mean, I don't think it's a waste of my time because I really enjoy spending time with him, but how long do you, I don't know, how long do you continue spending time with someone

until you can kind of, I guess it's up to me. It is up to you. But I don't, I think, and I don't think there's like a clear answer on how much time, but I think it's shorter than people are willing to give it. Yeah. I think it's shorter than people are willing to give it. Yeah. I think if you decided today that,

you know what, this is already too messy, even for a guy I really like, and I haven't liked a lot of guys in a couple years. And to be totally honest, you're, that's why you need to change your narrative of what it means to be single because that shouldn't play a role into the grace you give this guy or not give.

Because the way you talk about you being single, you want to suggest that you should give him a little bit more consideration and a little bit more grace because you like him and you haven't liked other people. Yes. liked other people yes in two years isn't that great a deal of time and you are still only looking for one and i'd rather have you wait three and a half years or four years or five years and find a really a person who really you really connect with who isn't afraid to commit with you who hasn't has a history who doesn't have a history of cheating and if they do is so ashamed and embarrassed about it that it's become like this goal of something they are determined to never do again. They can't promise that they'll always love their partner. They can't promise they won't hurt them. But if

they ever fall out of love with someone again, they will do the right thing and be upfront and end that relationship before they step out of it. you know like that's not hard how hard is that yeah i think that that's a good point about i think when you are looking for so long and you kind of find someone that gives you like a hint of like oh this could actually go somewhere i think it's easy to kind of like put them on a pedestal yeah but what you should see it as instead is get excited that like because i get excited that you like someone because i i understand after a couple years of being single we can sometimes even worry about like am i just incapable of liking anyone is there anyone out there that i can get excited about

and so you can like this is this can reaffirm to you that there are people out there and just because it's the first guy you've liked in a period of time doesn't mean it's absolutely your guy. It's just a reminder that there are a ton of people out there and there's a lot more people that you're not compatible with than that you are. And the people who you are compatible with, there is a spectrum of how much and some of them are people you're compatible with that aren't right for you. And some people are people you're compatible with who you are, who are right for you. So he can be someone that you're excited about and have some compatibility and some chemistry,

but he's not right for you. Yeah. Or he's not in a place where, you know, so to, and so I think right now you're probably have enough information to say, I like you. I'm just getting a sense from you that you're not ready for what I might be ready for. And to be clear, I'm not asking for this. I appreciate your honesty, but the fact that it just seems like maybe either you don't like me enough or you're just maybe not ready to make other people our priority. And I do appreciate you being honest with me about that. But right now I'm at a place in my life that I'm looking for people I'm excited about who are willing to make someone a priority. And so maybe we're just not a fit. And then, you know, he see how he reacts. He might come around, you know he see how he reacts he might come around you know he might say you know you're

right maybe that will like make him confident i don't know and then if you do decide to give it a shot i would you know have a healthy amount of i see skepticism but like yeah keep your guard up a little bit rightfully so because you're still getting to know the guy yeah i mean because i'm definitely 100 certain that I'm looking for a serious relationship out of this. So I'd like you to be honest about that. So don't give him the option to be your pal. Yeah.

Don't give him the option to waste your time. Don't give him the option for you to be confused or him to figure it out. You're not just going to give him. You have the right to not give him options you just have to be willing to walk away okay i know that's what i think i need to like pep talk myself into yeah he's just the first guy you've liked in a while definitely does not mean he's your guy that's's true. Putting it into the context that makes sense. All right.

We'll go forth. Good luck. Thank you. You're going to be great. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? It's going well. My name is Sophie and I'm 30 years old and my name is kevin and i'm 27 years old all right sophie and kevin how are you guys and and how do you guys know one another who

we are married you're married okay yes she is my wife all right how can i help okay so we have a little bit of a family situation that we would love your advice on. My sister-in-law, so Kevin's sister, June is 22 and she has been in and out of treatment for addiction since she was a teenager. And she most recently went to treatment in April of 2021. recently went to treatment in April of 2021. Um, and so in October of 2021, she approached both of us and said, Hey, I'm going to start drinking again. I ultimately don't think that I'm an alcoholic. Um, and what do y'all think? And we shared our concerns. We absolutely were concerned. Just shared that we thought, you know, maybe give it at least a year before coming to that decision.

But ultimately we just decided to support her. So that way she knew she had a safe place to go. Should there be some sort of relapse of some sort. Didn't want to push her away. No, I mean, that makes sense. Yeah. And she asked us if we would attend a dinner with my in-laws. So Kevin's parents,

where she was going to tell them that she was no longer sober. But she was hoping you guys would like advocate for her to start drinking uh not advocate but be a buffer was that what you'd say kevin uh yeah i would say because the expectation was not that we were gonna like try to sell her case or anything like that i think it was just to make sure that like she felt comfortable in that situation sharing and kind of just like made it less intense than maybe having that conversation one-on-one with my parents. Mm-hmm. It happens. We go through with it. The in-laws acted as you believe that they

probably would, a little alarmed, but ultimately rallied around her to know that she had a safe place to go. Fast forward to a few months ago, and my husband finds out that when June was asking to get the family together to tell the in-laws about that she is no longer sober, the premise was that I, Sophie, was the one that wanted to have a family dinner. And so my mother-in-law shared with Kevin that she felt a little bit of a bait and switch. Your sister-in-law sold it as you wanted this. Yes. Gotcha. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Sophie wants to have dinner and a game night and all this stuff. And so that's the expectation. Gotcha. And then plot twist. It's actually... actually by the way i'm drinking again yeah yeah and we didn't know that that's what she had said at the time so we i both kevin and i independently approach her and we'd go to dinner, June and I, and she was like, hey, ostensibly do apologize to me. It's kind of what she was getting at when, and I said, hey, like, this is something that my family would used to do. They would reach out with the premise of just to see me. Can I just spend time with my

daughter? And then there would be an agenda. So it always felt like I had to be on edge and I just didn't like to be used in that way. And so simply I wanted to be like, hey, that's not okay that you used me. You've got to own your own thing. We were there to support you, but not to be part of the manipulation. but not to be part of the manipulation. And she basically says she's sorry, but it's not her fault that her parents got upset. And that if I, Sophie, were closer to my mother-in-law,

then she wouldn't have reacted that way and gotten upset. So it's on me because I'm not as close to my mother-in-law. And that's why she got upset. It's not her fault. So how'd you respond to that? I mean, I was, yeah, I mean, I was really hurt, honestly, but I also said like, you use me to manipulate. And she said, well, I don't want to be associated with the term manipulation because that's an addict behavior and i don't consider myself an addict okay and i said right and i said i mean i i don't i i don't know what addict behavior means i sure do like everyone can be manipulative and you don't need to be an addict to do so that's actually exactly what i said we quite literally every single person has been guilty whether we got

called out for it or not of of being manipulative and and kind of selling ourselves on our alternative alternative motives right like anyway um so we're on the same page but yeah i mean that's what i said i was like i don't i can't speak to that but i do know that this was manipulation so i don't like that i was used in it i didn't even want i just wanted to have a candid conversation with you to draw a boundary and like that's not cool with me i would also point out to your sister-in-law that well again it sounds like you are so hell-bent on not being considered an addict that you're willing to ignore your own behavior out of fear of what that might mean either you are or you aren't either way we love you you, and I understand no one wants to be labeled an addict, but some of us are. And you you don't get to decide whether you are or not.

You know, yeah. And out of love, I would say something like I'm someone who loves you, I'm afraid that based on what you're saying, this idea that you are unwilling to own up to this thing, and we're not like exiling you, we're just, hey, I'm hurt, I'm a little frustrated with you, hey, I've been manipulated before, it's not the end of the world, but I do want to check you on this behavior, and I want to avoid it in the future, because like you said, you've had to deal with that and it created an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship and you want a healthier dynamic with her and like if you're going to turn that around and kind of gaslight you uh into feeling like maybe you did something inappropriate. To me, that speaks to how you're handling the

situation sets off alarms in my head that I need to be more concerned about the fact that you are drinking because you seem to be so hell-bent on ignoring any signs that might suggest otherwise. So there's no level of objectivity on whether you actually have a problem or not. You've just decided to not have it. And that's not going to change whether you are or aren't. Totally. And like, that's actually, it's interesting. She at the dinner called me a gaslighter. Gaslighters tend to do that I, that's when I was kind of like, we can no longer have this conversation right now because this is not productive for us at all. So she left, had words with my husband when she got back to our house to get her car.

Um, and. And that conversation was just like, I just just i was just trying to figure out like what happened and it again was just like no accountability there like all focused on like why she was still right and i was just there like like we are not not over here trying to get you to apologize for like we're just trying to have like you uh like have you have an apology you know just like say hey i'm sorry this is what i did and i have accountability but she's like well i think i'm just being blamed for everything and that kind of thing and sure and it was just i don't know it was not a productive conversation i'm curious did

you ask her because she was like clearly triggered by you accusing her of being manipulative, whatever the name is, did you ask her, okay, well, what would you call what you did? Forget about what I'm calling it. What would you call it? And do you at least agree that you might have misled people in that room? i did say something to the effect of so what do you what do you think that happened okay and what did she say the way you're describing it it sounds like she she kind of acknowledges that what she did was like not okay but she doesn't like the idea of being called a manipulator because to her, that suggests that there's something more wrong with her. And clearly she's very self-conscious and very sensitive about the idea that there's something wrong with her.

I could totally see and agree with that. And I think that really leads to the ultimate question of, you know, I understand that she is young. She's gone through quite a bit in her life and there is grace for that. I also want to maintain strong boundaries and I can't control her actions. We have not spoken since this event. And I don't want to have a relationship with my family, my sister-in-law, that is fraught, right? Like, obviously, I can only control my side. But I think, how would you recommend, we have a huge family trip coming up in July. You know, how would you recommend approaching her to, I guess, clear the air without necessarily taking ownership of it myself. And one thing that I kind of want to add to that as well is who should approach who in the situation. I think that's something that Sophie and I have both talked about as well. It's tough.

Family's tough. Because it's like you, we'll call on Justin Long long often but like this is like definitely a lead with love situation where i think you can have you can be in conflict with someone you can you cannot be speaking and there's never a wrong time to send a text or to reach out in a way that you're comfortable with to say, I love you. You know, and you just say, I just was thinking about you and I love you. Right. So maybe sending something like that, you saying that doesn't mean that you are backtracking on how you felt. You're not even getting into the conversation.

You're just putting it out there that you care about them. I wouldn't expect a response. Maybe they do respond. And if they do see that as a window to get into it with you, you can say, yeah, I'd love to talk to you. But me loving you has nothing to do with me still wanting to... We're in conflict of how we see the situation. But I do love you.

I'll always be there for you. And right now we don't see eye to eye. And someday, hopefully soon, we can sit back down and work through this. But it's going to require both of us. But this might be a time right now, I think the first reaching out should just be kind of an act of love that speaks to just you still love her so just say that you know put it out

there that you still want to be there for her try to like diffuse the tension because you're talking about someone who whether they're right or, is incredibly sensitive to how people see her. She probably is incredibly sensitive to how she sees herself. And that can be a struggle, I think, for people who are really having a hard time with that. Thankfully, I haven't struggled with addiction or anything like that. I've had a relatively charmed life and I can only imagine feeling alienated and alone at 22 wondering, like, how did I become potentially an alcoholic or an addict? You know, like, yeah, I felt like that when I got, you know, when I get broken up with or heartbroken or cheated on, we always think, how did this happen to me? You know, so she's probably feeling really defensive about that. So, yeah, that's what I would first do.

And that's not definitely not going to like solve the problem. But I think it's also just important to just, you can never do that enough. I mean, if you did it like every five minutes i might get weird and harassing but like you can't you can't remind people you love that you love them too much you know in a reasonable way and yeah and then if it when it when it makes sense you know see how she responds to that she there's a good chance he doesn't respond and if she does maybe she brings maybe she sees that as an opportunity to bring it up. And you just say, Hey, listen, I just want to tell you, I love you. And the fact that we haven't

been talking has, has made me sad. And I just hope that we have an opportunity to sit down and try to iron this out. Right? So when you, before you sit down with her, I think it's important to not make it feel like, you know, you sit down with her, I think it's important to not make it feel like, you know, you're right. And you're waiting for the opportunity to convince her to see it your way. Yeah. I think that's such a good call. I mean, a good call out in general, because I think absolutely I've let a little bit of my hurt and and feeling like almost like twilight zone a similar family situation that I've had in the past is happening again kind of put up my walls and cause me to not see it from that perspective so I do appreciate that a lot um i think it's important that you know we understand that

i guess you know if we call it like the ego i had my ego triggered myself i guess a little bit and gotta put that away and you're like i'm from where i sit you are right you know what i'm saying it sounds but like it just it's not going to do you any good making her because the more she feels she probably knows you're right you know but like she needs to feel safe enough to sit down with you and and have her ego not activated in a way where and there's also that's something for you to consider too is that maybe you don't really need her to like say you're right and i'm sorry like ultimately that would be nice but we are dealing with someone who potentially is working through some shit some personal shit yeah and they're not where they need to be

and you know we're also potentially talking about someone who probably is an addict and afraid to even acknowledge that. And that's scary for her. Right? So you might have to be the bigger person without making her feel like you're being the bigger person. Those are all great points. I appreciate that. Yeah. bigger person.

Those are all great points. I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah. I think ultimately like, you know, her recognizing what she did, apologizing would, would be great.

But I think the, the, the better outcome that I'm, I'm seeing now because of what you said, Nick is just like her actually learning and doing something different. Right. So like, even if she never owns up to like this specific thing and never says the words that like says those words right like

if she starts to actually conduct herself in a different manner that would be better than her just saying hey i'm 100 and eventually maybe she gets to a point where she's like, Hey, you know, a couple of years ago was total nightmare. My bad. You know, like definitely that might come down the road. But the more important thing is that she stops doing the behavior that you're not okay with. Yeah, I agree with that. you did it again. And what do you mean? The thing I asked you not to do, you did. Whatever you want to call it, I don't like that you did that. So you're making it hard for me to be there for you because she asked you two to be there for her. And she asked you guys to be there for her with a topic that quite frankly, you weren't even totally comfortable with. You felt like you were, you're giving like, honestly, like two bad choices. It's just like either kind of loosely support you in this thing that we quite frankly, don't want to support you in, but we also don't want to alienate you. So we're going to choose not to alienate you and

we're going to be supportive. And you asked that of us, you asked me a favor and I wanted to be there for you. And now you're making it. And so that's what you need. If she does it again, that's what you need to articulate is what you are doing is you're making it really hard to want to be there for you. And I so deeply want to be there for you because I love you. But like you, you make that really hard and whatever you want to call it, you need to hold yourself accountable to like help people help you if you, if that's what. And whatever you want to call it, you need to hold yourself accountable to help people help you

if that's what you want. And if you don't want their help, that's fine, but don't ask for the help. But if you're going to ask for help, you have to be respectful of us and our feelings. Yeah.

Thank you so much. My pleasure. I hope it was helpful. I definitely think it was. All right. Yeah. Send her a, send her a text today and just be like,

thinking about you. I hope you know, I love you. Yeah, I'm sure we'll, I'll see you. I'll see you soon. Just make it not about anything you're fighting over.

You're just, you're just letting her know that what is true, that you love her. I will do that. Yeah that yeah okay i'll do that too probably not in the same time frame so yeah that is like the same time like group text now uh but yes yeah maybe you wait a a week or two and maybe it's just like thinking about you or just how is your day you know um and and uh yeah i don't think you guys making contact and letting her know you care

about her is letting her off the hook I think that's fair it's a good way to look at it awesome thank you so much thanks for calling guys alright take care how's it going? hi how are you what's your name?

I'm good I'm Emma I name? I'm good. I'm Emma. I'm 31. Hi Emma, how can I help? I'm Swedish, living in Thailand. Wait, you're Swedish who's calling from Thailand? Yeah, I am. Amazing. I love that for us. Great. How can we help? To start off, I will give you some background.

I moved to Thailand in 2015 for like a sabbatical. I took a half year off. Just shortly after coming here, I met my ex-boyfriend and decided to stay. I found a job here actually. One and a half years later, I got pregnant. We got pregnant. I kept the baby. It wasn't planned, but I went with it. We split up one and a half year later after that, when my daughter was one and a half. Shortly after that, I started talking to, or yeah, I could say talking to more with actually a colleague of mine. We don't work in the same office.

We work for the same company, but he lives like three hours away from here. So it was just texting and talking a little bit in the beginning. Then I went to see him. We started dating. You could say dating. We hooked up and we started dating really casually.

Since we're in the same company, we kept it a secret from everybody. We just saw each other maybe once or twice a month for almost a year, maybe eight months or something before we decided that we wanted to take it further and define the relationship, I guess you'd say. So yeah, after like eight months, we were a boyfriend and girlfriend

and people started to find out a little bit more from work. They were fine with it. It's like Thailand is not the same kind of rules or anything as I guess in other countries. And yeah, things were great. The thing is, as I said, he lives three hours away from here so this is a long distance relationship this was like three and a half years ago now that we started dating uh and we are yeah still together we have been um long distance all this time

except for like the lockdowns we had like a few months it's been like three lockdowns here in Thailand and for all these three we could spend like two months together or something he came and stayed with me and my daughter during the time but besides that we've just been seeing each other like twice a month maybe I went up to him or he would come to me and this has been the relationship for three and a half months or years now um and for us it's been working really really good i know it's like a thing with long distance relationship like they don't work and doesn't work i totally believe it depends on the people who are in the relationship and what they want from the relationship. For us, it has been working out so good because in the beginning I told them like my daughter is my number one focus.

And yeah, I'm happy to have a partner beside that. But this is my focus right now. And for him, he was really happy with that because he's really independent person. He was really happy with that because he's a really independent person. I guess as you go along in a relationship, before in the past, I've always been really quick to move things forward in the relationship. Always moved in, always talking about the future and things like this. And naturally, we started to do this. But the thing is, with our work here in Thailand, it's super hard to find work when you're not a Thai person.

So we're really slim pickings. So he had to stay in his job, and I had to stay in my job. Otherwise, we couldn't be in Thailand, pretty much. So moving together, there was not really an option for us or moving closer together. So we always knew that this was our situation. But still, we started talking about how we could move things forward. And me, as I am in my head, I always want to move things along in my life. That's why I moved here to Thailand.

I always like things to happen. I don't like to sit in my life. That's why I moved here to Thailand. I always like things to happen. I don't like to sit in one place. And no, I guess you could say bored easily. Yeah, so we started talking about, you know, one day in the future, maybe he could move here. We could work that out. We eventually, you know,

started talking about kids and all these things that you do in a relationship. And even more so when the with the first lockdown when he came to stay with us for like two or three months or something he was like yeah i totally love this i after this i want to be here more and look at like options to be able to maybe move here in the future uh for me being with you guys and my daughter is like more important than spending all this time by myself um so yeah that was like in my head then you know i like to plan forward and think about

things i have a hard time living in the moment so you know uh time went by and you know for me the plan was that we sometimes would move together or he would move here um because i couldn't move to where he is and yeah things uh progressed like we see each other things are good um but then came to like um yes it's almost a year now, last year, Christmas. All of a sudden, he said he is looking at a new apartment where he lives in the city, just a nicer apartment. And I got a little bit shocked because for me, in my head then, I've been planning, maybe what he's going to move next time is to us.

And for him, he was like, they're going to sign this new lease two years on this new apartment. So this was like, I said, this is shocking me a little bit because I thought our plans were moving together. And he was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't think about it like that. And it made him kind of... How did he think about it?

I don't know. He just thought like that would be maybe in the future or something or like in one year or whatever like we'd never set a date or something and he said like just because I'm moving to a new apartment doesn't mean I would never move to you guys but then we just started talking about this and then he was like oh maybe I'm not ready then you know um maybe I didn't realize how much I will have to give up uh to be able to move to be with you guys and whatever. And for a month, we were like just in some kind of limbo.

We saw each other like once or twice more and it was just really weird. And then we broke up actually. And then, well, he broke up with me, I should say, because I still wanted to work things out. But it was just really weird because we still loved each other a lot and we were just like both of us were kind of devastated but for him it was a little bit just like maybe i'm just not ready for what you want uh right now so he broke up with you because he got a two-year lease and you asked him why and then he had some great epiphany that he could no longer see you, even though the majority of the relationship was you guys seeing each other twice a month and it was going quite well. Yeah, that was exactly like my thought

i was so shocked because i did not see this coming at all it was just one conversation we had and he was just like yeah when you're telling me like things like this i didn't even think about you know maybe i can't move uh he's 30 he's one year younger than me where is he from yeah he's also from sweden so yeah he just broke up with me and i was like i said like and how you put it like shocking me like the reason you're breaking up with me to me is really silly you know we can work this out somehow uh so we took some time apart we tried to not like communicate or whatever but it was super hard because we talked to each other all day every day before like uh how you maybe do in our long distance relationship keeping contact every hour or

something and uh it was super hard and I was just like I think we can work this out somehow I mean for me it's more important to be in a relationship with you or have it the way we had it because I was happy and you were happy. Then, you know, planning for a future that might not even happen. You know, we don't know what's going to happen. I'm happy how it is right now. And he was just like, yeah, I really want that too. But I also know you want more children

and I'm maybe not ready for that for like another 10 years or something. And I don't want you to sacrifice something like that. And for me, it was just like, I have a child. I'm really happy in my life. Have you ever told them that you want more children? Yeah, we talked about it like a lot of times. For me, like before, I wanted them much more than I do now, actually. I wanted just a sibling for my daughter. But with time passing by, I feel more and more like I'm really happy with just having her and not really wanting to repeat all the toddler years and all this because she's five now and it's easy for the first time.

But yeah, so he said like, yeah, I I really I feel like he said to me like I feel like with my whole like being like this isn't right like I don't want to be apart from you but I feel like I don't want to hurt you in the future I'm not sure that maybe if in like eight years maybe I don't want children or something and then you have like wasted your time or something like that and I just told him like I don't see it like that for me is I am happy uh how we were when I was not with him for these like was one or two months or something I didn't know what to like do and yeah I just really missed having my person that I talked to all the time and like this so so like yeah we kept talking a little bit but it was really hard we

keep in mind we still work together we work together really closely uh during all of our relationship um so it was so even though you're not living in the same spot your work requires you guys to interact yeah yeah every day daily um so we could we always were really good at separating like the work people and the relationship people uh so we could have a fight at work and then drive home and then like five minutes later talk normal at home so that was good and that was always so good during the split up that it didn't really affect our our jobs but yeah, it was hard to not talk a little bit at work when we were talking about our relationship and stuff too. So where are things now?

Yeah, so the split up was just actually two months of our relationship because what happened was that we saw each other for work and then he was just like, I guess he had some kind of epiphany and be like i really really screwed up uh i was kind of hard on him and i didn't like take him back or anything i would i just told him like if this is what you want i really want to see it and you need to show me and he really did and what did you mean by that though like i meant that if he really wanted to be together i want him to be a little bit more

sure than he was when he broke up with me obviously that he wants to be with me and we can make it work yeah but if i'm understanding you is that and granted i agree that his reasoning to break up with you didn't quite make sense but it didn't seem like his desire to be with you was ever in doubt. Like, I don't necessarily understand or agree with like his decision making tree or why he went about the way he did it. But if you believe his reasoning, and that's a big if, is that, you know, you don't doubt that he cared for you or loved you, wanted to be with you. Even after he broke up with you, it seemed like you never even questioned that. It sounds like the reason why he broke up with you, coming from you, is that he too, overall, really liked what you guys had.

And despite you guys talking about the future and talking about the possibility of one of you moving, him moving, whatever, talking about the possibility of one of you moving and moving whatever, that he didn't take that conversation, I guess, as not necessarily maybe all that serious, but as all that urgent. And so he went and signed his two-year lease. You kind of had a, well, that's a two-year lease. So I guess, oh, hey, well, nothing's going to happen in two years. That's a long time.

And then you made a comment to him he maybe he was like kind of like had a realization maybe got slightly defensive and then thought he was doing the right thing by saying well if this is what you want and by what you want is you want someone you want to live with your boyfriend or you want someone to move well you want someone you want to live with your boyfriend or you want someone to move well maybe i'm not ready for that maybe i'm not ready for kids you know and then he broke up with you and and then he realized well he didn't want to break up with you because well he i love you i want to i i miss what we had and you were like i miss what we had too and and then he wanted you back and it felt it sounds like you were like well i'm just i'm gonna make you beg because i want you i don't know not that you like

wanted him to suffer but like you were trying to make you know what i'm saying it does it doesn't quite like i get where you're i get i get your intention but it wasn't like this wasn't a guy who called you up one day and said i'm not sure how i feel about you i'm not sure how i feel about us i'm in my head i'm not i don't feel like myself and and ultimately broke up with you because he wanted to date other people and then and then wanted you know after like six weeks of you know going on the apps and swiping right and maybe having a like a hookup and then getting rejected. He was like, you know what? What am I doing?

I should go back with my girlfriend. Like, that's not what happened. But that's how you are treating him. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I guess it came off like that. But what I mean was I wanted him to really like uh show me in a way that uh yeah that this is what he really wants and how because how did you expect him to show you

i just wanted him to take the initiative really and initiate the talk and everything about how we would do it and how we could make it work and everything because i think in our relationship i'm maybe the leader of all the conversations and take initiative into all these things. And I just wanted to see it from him also that he actually does really care as much as I do and really coming from him, not just me forcing him to say these things or pushing him to say it. So what's your overall question? What's your overall question?

Are we trying to make sure that you're not risking something you're going to want in the future? Yeah. How can I be sure that in the moment when it feels good, I will not wake up and be like, yeah, that was 10 years of the maybe most best years of my life that I should have been focusing on building this future for me.

Well, the short answer is you can't make sure, right? You can't predict the future. And you also can't predict the changing of feelings, whether it's your feelings changing about him or how many kids

you may or may not want, or his feelings changing about you, or whether he wants kids or he wants to move back to Sweden, or maybe you miss your family. I mean, who knows? You don't really know. The only thing you can do and people can do is just try to be as honest with themselves in the moment about like those non-negotiables and then have those non-negotiables you know it's tough to like respect your non-negotiables if you aren't really sure what your non-negotiables are and yeah that's very true and i and i'm not saying you're doing this but when it comes to things like non-negotiables, like having kids and living in different areas, you know, there's, there, there are bigger risks, right? And we have to be sure that we're really being honest with ourselves.

Like, are you really okay with waiting? Or are you just convincing yourself you're okay with waiting? Because right now, today, you don't have this burning desire to have more children. And is there a part of you that is wondering? Because right now, all I've heard from you is like, honestly, things are pretty good. I'm really enjoying my life. Long distance wise, I mean, sure, maybe I'd see him a little bit more, but it works for us. You know, I enjoy missing him.

He enjoyed Mrs. Me. And since we work together, we actually see each other plenty and I'm able to prioritize a lot of my free time. I get to focus on my daughter still and myself and, you know, that's,

that's great. Right. And so is there a part of you that is, you know, kind of yelling out, Hey, we, we actually do want these things, you know, but you're kind of convincing yourself because, well, he broke up with you and it surprised you, it hurt you a little bit, you were upset and rightfully so. And then in those moments, in those vulnerable moments, we have a habit of kind of negotiating ourselves with ourselves about things we really want. For you, it's just coming down to really thinking about what is really important to you,

even if that means losing what you have. And that can be scary. But it sounds like there is something inside you that is questioning your decisions about what you say you want right now. And I think the only reason you wonder if you might regret it in the future is because there's a part of you that thinks you might. Because, you know, even if you weren't worried about it now, you could. You know, because feelings change. You know, you could sincerely worried about it now, you could. Because feelings change. You could sincerely not want it now, and then five years later be like, I've changed my mind. The fact that there's a part of you that wonders about it now means there's a part of you that knows that you very much might want more kids

or you just want to spend more time with them. more kids or you just want to spend more time with them and you know if he is someone who is just like I'm definitely not going to want to have kids before I'm 40 then that is definitely a potential non-negotiable

you know. Yeah that's true and I think what we learned from the breakup also like you said is we need to touch base a little bit more often just to have the conversation if it comes up see where we both stand and you know yeah because i do change my mind so often with so many things and i think it's hard to follow and bring up timelines too you know because it's not like you had a conversation about potentially living together

but you never like when you know you know yeah deadline you know they always say like deadline spur action so to speak in negotiations well if you never set like a a deadline nothing's really going to happen you know and not that you want to give them an ultimatum or a deadline but you guys if if you guys could work towards a goal you know it's like hey we should hey, someday we should move in together. Someday, well, that's pretty vague. And your someday could mean six months. His someday might mean five years. Yeah, that's very true. You just have to have some conversations that are more focused on what you really know you want.

The breakup could be helpful in the sense that like, yeah, listen, buddy, I know you don't want to have kids till you're 40 or you don't want this, but like you have to decide and I have to decide is losing what we have worth it, you know? Is he willing to make some sacrifices for you? Like, are you guys willing to make sacrifices

for the relationship? And right now it sounds like you guys have this really nice relationship that is very convenient for allowing both of you to be, to prioritize your own personal needs, right? And that works for some people, but eventually as the relationship grows, that it's going to require more sacrifice and more of each of you prioritizing each other and less of yourselves as the individual and the big question is are both of you willing to do that i guess it took some time also like getting used to this whole thing about not like moving things forward rushing things or anything and now that we are used to it i feel like it's

like you said a perfect situation for us right now and we're really enjoying uh every part of it so yeah also a little bit of a shout out to long distance relationship they can really work like if you do it if you have trust and if you are on the same page with everything and everything it can be really nice yeah i mean they definitely work for a lot of people too just because like some people don't need to see people every day or yeah there is something to be said about missing people it just it just depends on each person but you just have to be really honest with yourself about the things that you might want in the future um yeah nothing certain well I guess we just have to keep on talking about it

like openly and like you said maybe this could have some kind of timeline of something even if we're

just enjoying the moment now all right yeah okay well I appreciate you calling thank you for your

input all right yeah thank you so much for having me take care have a good day. You too. You too.

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