The Viall Files - E424 Ask Nick - Can’t Date Me Because He’s “Dating” His Cousin

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we bring on even more callers to help our listeners out in their various relationships. We welcome our first caller who struggles with how to navigate a situation when her boyfriend refuses to get a divorce with his wife. Because of this, our caller is left in a weird place wondering if they are in the wrong, especially when their friends may not be fully supportive, and if she should continue to push her boyfriend to get divorced and move on. Our next caller has issues when her boyfriend’s cousin starts showing jealousy towards their successful relationship. Now, our caller wonders how to deal with this awkward situation when the intentions of a family member aren’t clear. Our last caller struggles when her workaholic boyfriend can be distant. When our caller deals with a family issue and needs genuine support, her boyfriend makes jokes and doesn’t take the situation seriously. Now the caller asks for how to set expectations and properly ask for emotional support.  “They were getting frustrated with the cycle”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Olive and June: Visit http://OliveandJune.com/Viall for 20% off your first Mani System! Storyworth: Get started right away with no shipping required by going to http://www.StoryWorth.com/VIALL  ShipStation: Go to http://wwww.ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in VIALL to get a 60-day free trial. ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Away Travel: Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases at http://www.AwayTravel.com/Viall  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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In the beautiful country of Boston, Massachusetts Nick joined by Allie in studio. Amanda is abroad. In the beautiful country of Boston, Massachusetts. How's everyone doing? Allie, you? Good. I don't have like a huge update about the boy. I'm like, I don't know how to describe it necessarily. I tried to like resurrect the conversation.

I think the last time we talked, I like resurrected the conversation on like Saturday. Hadn't heard anything since. I'd like resurrected it again on Tuesday night. And he responds very quickly. But then it just never, you know, like we do a few back and forth, but it just doesn't really go anywhere. So I don't know. Is this bad? I didn't want it to be like a test per se, but I wanted to like see if he would start up a conversation that's fine and you know that was tuesday night and it's monday afternoon yeah it's a fine line

between uh test yeah i mean you were trying like that's the thing you were trying to test um in the beginning at the beginning yeah and then you called me out on it you had one date and all of a sudden you're like, all right, let's give him a test. Pop quiz. That was too soon. Exam time. Yeah, and we decided that maybe you jumped the gun a little bit there.

But I think in this situation, you have shown, you have put yourself out there multiple times. You have been consistent with that. And I think it's more than reasonable for you to want and hope that he matches your level of interest or at least reliability i think yeah reliability put something on paper because he always responds eventually right oh yeah and it's usually like if i restart it after a few days um it's usually pretty quick and it's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Like there's always kind of an apology for the lack of talking. He apologizes a lot.

Yeah. But then there's never. He does nothing. You know what I mean? Like there's the apology, which I guess I appreciate, but then it's like nothing. It's never like he starts a conversation. It's just the sorry, which makes me question the sorry. I think it's okay to move on

at this point yeah i remember like what i told you what did i tell you when you secured the second date which yeah you've been very good with this whole thing i've just been turning to nick for all of my questions because i think i said something like great now enjoy the second date and whatever he does or doesn't do is part of you getting to know him i think was exactly my text and this is you getting to know him which is i think he's just kind of uh seems to be again like probably in that more carefree fuck boy stage of his life did we find out if he lives with mom and dad he does he does we were right about that yeah that's fine we're not judging but no i just i'm excited for the update maybe it means uh maybe it just means that he is not seeking a ton of expectation and responsibility that might be that it's also

la it's california it's really expensive i kind of wish i was living somewhere for sure but and again there's no shame in it because times are tough but he's also seems like some people some people might just say whatever i have to do i, I'm a 26, 8-year-old man. I'm going to make ends meet. And I would rather live on my own in a place that doesn't have a pool in the backyard as opposed to still living with mom and dad. Personal choice, but it's a choice nonetheless and i think you can learn a little bit about maybe you know where they're at in their life and that was like i thought about it it wasn't necessarily like a red flag for me per se because again it is such an expensive city and i was like

you know if he's like seems really dedicated to his career and it's like saving money and like all of those were green flags to me so So that wasn't the issue to me whatsoever. But I think if you combine the fact that he lives with his parents with his more kind of laissez-faire approach to... You think they go together? I do. Yeah. That's an assumption we're making. We have a little to go on. So we're making some assumptions, but I don't think that's a oh lee do you know where his parents live i don't want to give away this much do you think do you think he comes from money i don't know it's kind of a hard read i think he does very well for himself like individually like he like so it's possible if he wanted to he could get a

place oh yeah like he was like upgrading his car. Like he wants a dream car. Like he's doing well. He's spending money in other areas that we can choose to judge. This is a man who is choosing to live with his parents, not because he has to, because he wants to. And at 28, that fucking matters. There's other ways to save money.

You could live in a place that again, doesn't have the glamour of a house you grew up in with the convenience of all the wild conveniences that come with sometimes living at home with mom and dad. Sometimes I think about how glamorous stairs are. You know what I mean? No, seriously. Being in a studio apartment, being in any apartment, I think about that.

I'm like, oh my God, imagine having multiple floors. You know what I'm saying? If your parents live in LA, what would you... Let's say they lived 45 minutes away from here. Should I be honest? You'd live with them. If I was making more money, I don't think I... If I was making more money, I would be living by myself.

But I'm very stressed about money currently having to pay for a place based on what I'm making which is awkward to talk about with your boss staring at you fine if I was making more money I think for sure I'd be living on my I don't know because I like living on my own I do. I'm a very like independent person. And he's also 28. Yeah. So that's also different. I feel like at 28 you will and before 28

you will be in a position where you're you're living by yourself and not as worried about money. How I would have described it to you is like you know I've been in LA coming up on two years.

I think maybe for sure my first year out of college I would have been living with them to save money. I never had that opportunity to like kind of build a nest egg after school because I don't have anyone to live with out here.

Am I making sense? Like I could have seen it for like a year, maybe two to save money. But after that point, you moved here out of college, you took some risk and you lived in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Yeah.

Yeah. That's different. Yeah. His situation. Yeah. And the good news is you, you feel differently now than you did. Yeah. That's different. Yeah. His situation. Yeah. And the good news is you, you feel differently now than you did. Yeah.

So for context, for those who weren't at Nick's house on the Friday, when Nick was helping me craft a text with Amanda of what to say to this man and evaluating the texts, Nick pointed out to me that the reason this conversation hadn't gone further was really my own fault because I was very curt and dismissive because i was disappointed and it was coming across on text fault is a strong word i just suggested that if you wanted to hang out with him again the ball is in your court and it's not over which you might

have been just approaching it yeah i was very defensive about that because i was upset because i was so i was so excited about him to begin with and I told Nick I was like if you're telling me that the reasons didn't move forward is on me I'm really mad at myself and then you were like this is reconcilable like we can we can make this happen which we did and now it's it's on him now yeah because I think your decision to move on is because you've realized you know he's and I think it was a an interesting expansion of my own perception because it's like I didn't mind double texting I didn't mind necessarily boosting the conversation and bringing it back a few days later I didn't second guess myself of being desperate or needy I was just expressing interest and excitement I guess without being overboard and now I feel

like that I've done it several times. I kind of have my answer. It's not like, oh, we will never know what could have been. Like I tried. I love that for you. Thank you. On the topic of parents, I ended up introducing the boyfriend to the parents when they were in town. How'd that go? Really well.

And then, yeah, really well. So we're out here. And he also, he went to one of my talks. Is he out there? No, is he with you oh no no no although he's um it's nice his mom lives in the same city as that'll make thanksgiving easier you guys are from the same hometown well we're not he's not from boston but his mom now lives in boston it's actually really cute his mom lives so close to my girl and by my voice yeah i feel like because my next question is like,

where are we spending the holidays? They'll be on the same flight regardless. It's like, it's new. This is a very new situation. You don't do like Thanksgiving with one, Black Friday with the other. Amanda's in love. I know, but I will say like,

like really obscenely early on, there was like a game night with friends where like my two of my best friends from college who like ended up staying in Chicago were visiting and so like my boyfriend was chatting with them um and he was like oh yeah like they're like yeah we're from Chicago and he was like oh yeah I've always said like Chicago and Boston are like the two cities that I've always wanted to settle down and I was like oh my god Amanda for sure wants to settle down I'm trying to be very that I just feel like so it's nice because it's like even though you guys wants to settle down. I'm trying to be very, I just feel like,

so it's, it's nice because it's like, even though you guys want to settle down, she's before me, we talked about it on Valentine's day. It's more on her radar than it is on mine. I think for me, when I think about settling down,

I think about, um, be like growing roots somewhere, like moving somewhere with the intention of staying there for like an extended period of time. And like, also with like, I don't know, I, I want to have kids unless the climate is burning. So I feel like that when I think about settling down, I think it's like really like setting the stage for like where I want to like have a family and like where I feel like I can give kids if that were to happen. Let me set the stage of how Amanda and I spent Valentine's Day.

We left the studio. We went and poured cocktails and drank them on my roof. And Amanda was saying how she would love to be closer to her family and she could see herself maybe trying out New York before going to Boston. She wants to raise her kids closer to her family. This lovely, lovely like dream life. And then I was like, I hate the fact that women's 20s is just consumed by finding the one like don't we have better things to do with our time and then amanda just

takes a moment and she goes you're gonna run a pr firm by the time you're 30 and that was our valentine's day okay you know such is life who really knows what you two are going to do so many possibilities someone do a where are they now special in 20 years. I'd pay you money. I'll fund it myself. Let's just keep our options open. I feel like people would assume based on the way we, like personalities, that like Allie would be the one

who's much more like, I'm going to have a family. I think so, yeah. 100%. Like stable, traditional, like, I don i don't know yeah this is the one where we're not only a weirdo freak oh i just find that your or your your life's your your your professional life's getting started and we're already thinking about settling down is that like uh oh my god no it's not like a like oh i want this i want this is this your way of like putting in your two weeks she's putting in her two years notice yeah I'm actually pregnant so when I say wanting

to have kids I it's right no I think it's just like uh I I think I'm just like a hyper like I'm an overthinker and I I really like to have a sense of like the grand scheme of things even though I know so much of that is like you can't predict it you just have to see what happens but like I think I just have this fear I think my biggest fear is like that I'm living in a way that's going to like fuck over my future self. So I think I always like to have a consideration of like, what are things that I could imagine myself wanting down the line and how do I make sure I'm like behaving in a way that balances like my wants for now while also not like eliminating possibilities or like making things difficult in the future.

while also not like eliminating possibilities or like making things difficult in the future. And I feel like I lived all of my high school and like childhood like that. And now I'm just like free flowing. I think it's all going to work out. And on that note, we have a great episode for you. And before we get to our callers, if you're listening on a Monday morning and you have some text issues and you need some guidance on how to draft an important text to someone, email us at ethnicacastme.com. Cats with a K. We have great track records. Whether you're trying to shoot your shot. Yeah.

Whether you're trying to make it flirty with someone you're already texting with and you want to send that message that kind of like ups the ante. Yeah, we have an excellent track record of success we even just got an update that someone basically hooked up with a guy again even if she wasn't sure she would so there you go you heard it here first folks we're getting them late it's amazing we're getting clarity email us and both obviously for our ask nick episodes and by the way i i assume all the people listen to ask nick listen to all of our shows. They're a trifecta. Yeah.

I feel like you have like you can listen to just one of our shows and be fine but like I think it's it's not the meal it's

it's it's it's prepared to be enjoyed together. It's like those ice creams with the three flavors. You know you could just carve away

in one section but if you scoop them all together it's a really good bite. Mm-hmm. Yeah we're not section eaters on this. We have a great week lined up for you. We'll be diving in more into the Johnny Depp Amber Heard of it all

to talk about all the things that have been going on in the last week, which is a lot. And I think we'll have a lawyer with us, right? Get that legal perspective. Get that legal perspective.

And then going deeper, it's so good we were not even going to tell you yet. It's a surprise. We have to keep it behind closed doors. Oh, God. Curtain closed. Ooh, boy. Let's get to our colors.

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How's it going? Hi, my name's Mackenzie and I'm 30. How can I help Mackenzie? Okay, so basically I'm going to try my best to make a really long story short. Okay. I met the guy I've been on and off with in 2018.

We met in school and we became really close friends. And over the course of our schooling, he was like venting to me about being unhappy in his marriage of over like 15 years. So he's quite a bit older than me, like 19 years older than me. And I was phasing out of like a really bad relationship at the same time. I'd been in this relationship for like 10 years, basically all of high school. So we related on like a lot of levels in that way he was unhappy for like a really long time and he just said he didn't want to hurt her and that he was struggling with the whole situation they have an adult son together you were but you were both in relationship so he was currently

married at the time you met yes i was out of a relationship but he was currently married at the time you met? Yes. I was out of a relationship, but he was currently married. Gotcha. And while he was talking with you about his marriage, did she have any idea that he didn't want to be in the marriage potentially? No, not at the time. Gotcha. All right. And so school went on and then we just were hanging out as a friendship. And then around mid 2019, about like a year later, he decided that he was going to leave and he ended up moving out onto his own.

Leave his wife. Yes. So he moved out and they were separated. At this point, had you guys crossed any lines? Yes. You had any lines? Yes. You had hooked up? Yes. He cheated on his wife?

Yes. Okay. So then we were like hanging out more, just keeping it kind of like a casual thing. I was kind of on the fence because he's so much older than me. on the fence because he's so much older than me. And, um, but I started like falling really hard for him. And he was like a really, he's really caring guy. And we just got along so well. We have a ton in common. We have really good chemistry. And so then around November, 2019, we decided that we're going to get serious and actually date each other. He was still married. He was separated, but not divorced, not legally divorced.

Okay. So she wasn't, the split wasn't something that she wanted. So she was really struggling. Like she was crying all the time and calling him and really sad. And I was trying my best to be understanding because it's like hard to lose your husband after all that time. And she technically didn't do anything wrong. And he was saying that he desired like a peaceful relationship with her and he didn't want to

be mean to her or rude. And so I was trying my best to just let it be. And he would spend a lot of time there because he had to see his son and his son lived there. And he also was helping her babysit his grandson because his stepdaughter was deployed. So the grandson's like three years old. So they both are taking care of grandson together as well. Okay. And then she ended up finding out about me and that added like a whole big new issue because she was even more upset that he was with somebody so fast and that he was with someone so much younger than him because she didn't know that he'd been unhappy for this length of time. And so I was just feeling really super bad about it, but I was trying my best to just give everything time to settle. Did you feel bad about having an affair with him?

Partially, yeah. feel bad about having an affair with him um partially yeah partially no just because i knew he was unhappy but also like i never intended for us to really become serious in the long run i mean that sounds kind of awful but i was like i wasn't sure if i would ever really be with him in a serious relationship so i guess I never planned on things ending up this way. So I wasn't really worried about it. But then I really fell in love with him

and wanted more than casual with him. And so I was just trying to let everything settle. I was like, okay, when she's has kind of calmed down

and isn't so sad anymore, hopefully she'll move on and accept it more and then so she did kind of calm down everything kind of calmed down in the sense that she wasn't calling and crying all the time or being upset and but she still would talk to him a lot and still i, I could tell, obviously, was interested in them not getting divorced. How long were they married for? Over like 20 years, basically. And so we came up on like a year together.

And he still hadn't showed any initiative of getting divorced at all. Like they were separated. He would tell me over and over again how he didn't want to be with her. He had told her multiple times that he didn't want to be with her, but he still hadn't officially legally filed the papers. And you know this because this is what he told you? Yeah. Gotcha.

And I hadn't met any of his family. Every holiday, we were separate. He had met my family and met all my friends sure but like on the holidays he would go to his parents and she would obviously go there and their kids and all their family would be there and he i'm assuming didn't want drama or issues so he wouldn't take me there and um that was starting to cause like some really huge fights and so basically right after our one year anniversary i was like i can't be with a married man. You're not showing any initiative towards our future. So we broke up and we both agreed that we needed time, but we didn't want to see other people. So we still basically everything was the same just with that. We

still hung out all the time. We still spent all all this time together and i ended up kind of just being upset about the whole situation getting a little resentful and i saw somebody else for a while dated somebody else he got upset we ended up getting back together so basically since then why'd you get back together? Because he got upset? What changed? He got upset and so we had a big talk about everything and he had said, I'm going to get divorced. I'm just not ready yet. I just need a little bit more time. So nothing changed?

Yeah, nothing changed. But I just agreed to get back together with him because I wanted to be with him so bad and I saw him as the person I was going to be with for the rest of my life. My future, I thought, was with him because I wanted to be with him so bad. And like, I saw him as the person I was going to be with for the rest of my life. Like my future I thought was with him. And so basically since then, it's literally just been a vicious cycle of we break up because he's not divorced. He, we still act like everything's the same, even though we're broken up. And then we get, decide to get back together for whatever reason.

And then I try to ignore the fact that he's still not legally divorced. And then I ended up getting angry about it. We blow up, we get in another really big fight. And like at this point, after a few of these cycles, like my two closest friends were like, we don't want to talk to him anymore. We don't want to be around him. We don't want to see him. We're not going to be in public with you guys together.

We don't agree that he's still married. We know it's hurting you. And so we just completely caused these big issues in my friendship. My two best friends and I hardly talk anymore. best friends and I hardly talk anymore. So your two best friends have distanced themselves from you as a result of your relationship with him. Yeah. And what do you think about that? Originally, I was pretty upset about just losing the friendship and I kind of first blamed it on him. But recently I've been going to therapy, kind of trying to get help there. And it's kind of showed me that maybe they weren't as good of friends as I thought they were because I feel like, I just feel like they

should have been there for me no matter what I was going through, like whether they liked him or not. I guess it just depends on, I mean... I wasn't there to have those conversations with your friends, but you can be a friend and distance yourself from someone because you don't approve of what they're doing. And they might be trying to set a boundary with you all because they ultimately care about you. They might disapprove of your choices and how you're going about things, or maybe they're having a hard time seeing you make choices that continue to hurt you. And all you seem to do is to complain about it in general and keep making the same choices over and over. And even though nothing's actually changing.

So maybe they try to set a boundary and they try to show some tough love in hopes that you wake up from this pattern that you're having. So that's an option that has nothing to do with whether how good or not good of friends they are to you yeah and i guarantee like that's what it is i know i've had like bad relationships before and i know they really care about me and then they're just trying to kind of do the tough

love approach because i do cry to them about things and I have like broke down in the past to them and they just get frustrated seeing me sad so yeah the whole situation so we agree that maybe they aren't that that they're not bad friends or yeah well one of them I completely really don't even talk to anymore. We kind of, this was just like a stepping stone kind of for us to address other issues we had in our friendship. If these friends were calling in, what do you think they would say to me? If they were like talking, if they were like, hey, we have this friend, she's dating this married guy. It's been going on for a year and a half. He cheated on his wife with her.

We don't trust him. We think he's a cheater. Yeah, I think that's basically what they'd say they just say like we've seen her hurt for so long it's just upsetting us to see her go through this cycle like they've told me to my face you're you know you're smart you're great you have so much going for you and this guy's you know 20 years older than you and well i don't know his age has his age is like seems to be the most irrelevant i mean you're both adults you you're a 30 year old woman like you can date

someone 19 years older than you if you want and his behavior whether i mean he sounds like a 24 year old fuck boy so like hey you got that going for you you know so like his age has really nothing to do with how he's handling this situation in this in this moment so like it's like you seem to be hung up on this age difference but like i'm more hung up on his behavior and his choices and his character and you don't seem to be focused on much of any of that. ZocDoc. Manny, you got a new doctor? I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 1145 because that is the, I work weird hours. No one contacted her tomorrow. I needed a weird, like an exact time to get a doctor's appointment. And so I could go on ZocDoc. I could put in my health insurance. I could say, this is a dentist.

So I was like, I need just like your routine cleaning. But there were all these different options. You could even specialize by the procedure you're looking for. Then I was able to see all the doctors. I could see like what their star rating was, what other like patients had said about them. Usually you would have to like find a doctor and then like call their office.

Do you have an opening then? Yeah. But like you could, you streamline. And how long did that process take you? So short. So, so short. Like truly like three minutes maximum.

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It is the perfect accompaniment for any trip and journey you're going on. It's amazing. Usually when we talk about baggage on this show, it's not a good thing. This is the right kind of baggage. There's a portable charger. There's a laundry bag. There's a TSA lock on it so you can keep all your shit together. I've had my away suitcase for over three years now.

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I mean, I don't know why you would. No one does. That's probably why they have this type of crazy offer because they know people fall in love with it. It spins. It rolls. It's got 360 spinners. It's so smooth.

It's smooth. It has like a removable laundry bag. It's really nice. It's really convenient. Also, like at the airport, it's like a club. Everyone's like, is that in a way? And you kind of nod. You just like roll around with it.

I feel very sexy. You can really feel like an elitist. Yeah. And it doesn't cost all that much because luggage can be weirdly expensive. Not Away though. There's a 100-day trial on everything Away makes. Take the product out on the road. Live with it.

Travel with it. Even get lost with it for 100 days. Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases at awaytravel.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's awaytravel.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Away offers free shipping and returns on any order within the contiguous U.S., Europe, Canada, and Australia. Get away. You got to start looking at this person's actions and their character and what they're really about and stop making excuses for them and stop discounting the things that matter. There's nothing that you've described to me that's a healthy explanation to why this person should be in your life. yeah i think i was just getting hopeful for like the potential of something like i kept thinking like at some point you know i'm going to be worth it for him to get divorced how often do you listen to the show do you listen to it like every one day yes i do i do not like i mean i thank you

i mean i'm glad it's entertaining but like what the fuck you know like i was like i think i already know what he's gonna tell me but i'm gonna try anyway well listen i'm thank you for calling and obviously it's but you listen to this show like you've heard me talk about what what it means when you find yourself feeling hopeful at any point that did not resonate you when i was saying hey if you're feeling hopeful in a relationship that just that is a signal of what you are not getting in a relationship. And that doesn't mean you should break up just because you feel hopeful that something might change. But when all you are is hopeful and that's all you are,

what, like, what are you grateful for? I mean, like I said, we do have in this relationship, we do have a great time when we're together. Like we have a lot in common and we laugh a lot and we go do things together and like we go out on a lot of dates we go on trips

we do things like that he's entertaining you're grateful that he's entertaining and you're physically attracted to him and maybe you have some good sex yeah and like he's easy to talk to and stuff like that but i feel like he's easy to talk to when i'm venting and then when we fight he's like we have different communication styles. So he completely shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it in the moment. If you made a list of all the things you're hopeful and grateful for, how long do you think that hopeful list would be? Well, as time's gone on, I think it's kind of getting shorter because I think my hopefulness is kind of turning into hopelessness just because it's been since 2018 and he says but if you made a list of all the things that you hoped he would do or you hoped would change

sounds like that list would be pages potentially how he would fight how you would communicate and what you were grateful for would be you know there's some chemistry you travel it's fun he's entertaining you like three lines yeah and i'm just wondering why you're having such a hard time creating, you know, like having higher expectations for yourself, why you were willing to allow these friends to distance themselves from you for the sake of this guy. Like at what point, what's your breaking point at what point for you, is it going to be enough? Like at what point, what's your breaking point? At what point for you, is it going to be enough?

Yeah. And I think that, I don't know. I mean, I started going to therapy, which is helping, but I think that maybe I carried some things over from past relationships as well. Like people I've let treat me kind of badly and then maybe kind of disguise the way he's treating me since it's a little bit better than the last person as, oh, this must be so much better because the last guy did all these horrible things and he doesn't do those things, but he just does them different things that aren't great. I mean, I'm really sorry that you've had anything bad happen to you or you've been treated poorly,

but at some point you just have to expect more from yourself. I mean, mentally you could say, I'm done. And you could call him up and say, I don't know, if you're talking to him and say, I've decided to move on. And you could block him immediately. You could disappear. You could say, you know what? I right now, I recognize that this person

is not good for me to have in my life. And I also can recognize that I might not currently have the strength or the words or the tools to enforce the boundaries I want to set. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get off this call and I'm going to block them on everything. And I'm going to disappear because like that I can do that. I have the strength to do. And then I'm going to ask friends that i have in my life to help me hold accountable and i'm just going to like disappear because it sounds like you know while that you know it's it sounds like something you might need to do because it seems like right now you lack the tools and the capability to to to stand up to this guy because he seems so convincing and you're vulnerable to your feelings for him,

et cetera, et cetera. But like, it doesn't seem like mentally you're there. And I'm like, worried they're going to get off the phone and convince yourself that you should keep drawing. I know that it's over in a sense. And like you said, I don't feel like I have the strength. Not unless you decide it. Yeah. No, it's, you have to make a choice. You just seem so passive. It's like, you just want things to happen for you. You either want him to get a divorce and decide to be this person you always wanted him to be, or, but like, you know, it's over if you decide. And you should see that as control that you have. That's power that you have. you you don't ever see you don't seem to ever want to use that that's something if i've you know you said you're going to therapy and it's awesome like i would i would i would ask about that like i i do i do this i'd love to explore that i'd love to feel like i can start you know making choices for myself and i could you know stop waiting for everyone around me to

like make choices for me. Because the only choice you seem to be willing to make is to wait. Yeah. I feel like I just don't have the strength. I feel like I'm like, okay, I convinced myself I don't have the strength to enforce the boundaries. So I just don't even try. Because I'm like, why would I try if I'm just going to fail, you know? So I need to work on figuring out how to be better at doing that sort of thing. Yeah, it's tough. Not questioning myself and just doing it. Well, it can be tough.

But if I were you, I would block them. I would never talk to them again. That's what I would do. But I don't know if you're going to do that. And i would work on i hope you i hope for you that you do and i would try to focus your therapy on trying to find that strength and the tools to start getting better at following through with enforcing your boundaries and and choosing yourself and and uh break this cycle yeah yeah that's all i need to do as well okay well i'm sorry you're going through this but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel and it seems like a lot of it is on your willingness to to yeah prioritize your needs

all right okay all right take care you. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jenna. And Jenna, how old are you? I'm 25. How can I help? So about two months ago, my close work friend set me up with a guy, let's call him Peter, who happened to be her childhood best friend's cousin who also works with us to make things complicated okay childhood's best friend's cousin okay so she just set you up with some random basically right who works with you spider web yes okay and we texted for a couple of days and then we met up on a to go on a date and everything went great I was like oh this is fantastic and we started hanging out a lot and just trying to get

to know each other just figuring out that you know we have a lot in common we have the same breed dog we both go to the same places yet we've never ran into each other, that kind of a thing. And he did seem a bit more excited than I was just because I was trying to be cautious, I think. And on the third date, he did ask me if I wanted to make things official, even though we hadn't even kissed yet. How old is he?

He's 25 as well. So you had two good dates and on date three he's like, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. Correct, yeah. So I in my past have really fallen for that and kind of just jumped in and it's never really worked out. So I decided I was just going to say, no, let's take things a little bit slower. He seemed to be okay with this. We did kiss later that night. So there's that, I guess. Everything seemed to be going really well. And then he expressed some concerns to me about my coworker and his cousin that they just kind of got on his

nerves sometimes. Because I guess some backstory would be, I guess the way that the friend introduced him to me was, oh, he's a great guy. We always invite him to go do things with us because he always insists on paying. I kind of blew that off just because she'd always made jokes like that around me. And I thought maybe that's just kind of how she was. But the concerns that he expressed to me were that they never pay him back. That they never pay him back. And so me trying to be the helpful person that I am, even though I probably shouldn't have, said, well, maybe they don't know that you want them to pay you back. And, you know, kind of what I had said earlier was like, oh. Seems like a logical possibility.

Sure. And so maybe you should just talk to them about it well a couple weeks go by and everything with us seems to be going great we're still continuing to hang out a lot and he goes over to his cousin's house and talks to her about asking her, you know, what are some cute date ideas and where could I take her that you think would be kind of fun just for some advice. And she, I guess, shot back fairly quickly with, I don't really think that you should see Jenna anymore. And I don't like her vibe. And I think that she's using you. And I, you know, can't get to know her because talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. And, you know, I don't like that she volunteers to help watch your dog because that's my job.

And it all sounded really super childish to me but you found this out through him yeah i and so i was like okay this is maybe she's just a little upset or she's feeling i guess how did you find this out he came to you and said I heard? Yeah, he came to me and told me. He left her apartment because we were supposed to have dinner. And so he came to pick me up. And this, I guess, had all unfolded. He was really upset about it because he wanted her opinion and he wanted her support.

And she just kind of flipped on him, I guess. Gotcha. And are you friends with this cousin of his? No. I mean, we work on different floors, so we don't really see each other that much. It's a pretty big building. And I have tried to talk to her a couple of times when she comes and sits at lunch and she has no interest in talking to me from what it seems like.

I mean, they're just cousins. What? They're just cousins. Yeah. I mean, I guess some cousins can be really close, but... Right. I guess it feels like more of a brother-sister kind of thing for some reason, even though they haven't really been hanging out for that long.

Okay. So a little backstory. In their previous relationships, they weren't allowed to talk to each other or see each other because their significant others didn't like it, I guess. The cousins? Yeah. Yeah, like Peter and his cousin couldn't hang out together because their significant others, in the way that they described it to me, were jealous, I guess. Of them being cousins?

And hanging out so much. I don't know. Okay. It seemed weird to me because I was like, well, it's your cousin. I don't think anything's going to happen there. He told you this though he was like hey and in the past right my girlfriends would have would get jealous of me and my cousin hanging out yeah and her boyfriend got no actual reason, decided to try to sabotage this budding relationship you had with him.

No, this would have been before that. He told you before? Yeah, he told me this probably on our fourth date. Gotcha. So when you found out that she was talking shit, did it start making sense as to why? A little bit, yeah. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because my co-worker friend, she said, oh, yeah, they weren't allowed to talk like she had kind of filled me in a little bit on it beforehand and i was kind of like oh well who would care about that because they're cousins why would anybody be weird about that because you know well i guess the question is like who is who is the who's the weird one here

is it the exes or is it them you know you you can tell me a version of a story that for whatever reason, they both dated people who strangely were, didn't like how much time they spent together regardless of their family and said that they didn't want them to talk to them. And this guy and his cousin strangely like agreed to not talk to each other. And now that he's seeing you, maybe the cousins, him and his cousin, think that you're going to do the same thing, which is nuts. But I don't know, maybe PTSD.

It just seems so bizarre. I mean, it's a little strange. It's not that strange, little there's a lot of like strange behavior i guess that you're describing him wanting to be your boyfriend like after you know on the third date was you know after bowling with you twice or whatever or whatever it is you guys did on your dates and then this whole cousin thing is kind of just weird so like where are we at like what's your question i guess my question would be is it weird that they hang out that much

it bugs me a little bit because i feel like i have to constantly compete with her for his attention now, like in the last week. She's always trying to make all these forward plans. And I feel like I kind of took over her role in his life in a weird way because they used to hang out so much. And now they don't. And now we have to just find this weird balance. What have you talked to him about? have you talked with him about this a little bit and he just kind of he kind of just shuts me down about it like oh you know i'm just gonna go with whoever makes the plans i don't we just have to try to find this happy medium i mean yes your story sounds very bizarre

i'm like half waiting for you to be like and then they had sex um right so i i i don't know it just it sounds this whole thing sounds childish and odd if i were in your shoes i guess this is the best way to answer this question and and I was I just met someone like them and just curious again to know him better and all of a sudden they were like yeah I have this cousin and like we like we're close but like you know my last you know just you know like my it's like a sensitive issue because my last girlfriend like didn't like being with my cousin so much I've been like why and then i'd be really curious as to the why and what they said you know and it doesn't seem like

you have any answers as to the why you can make some guesses you don't really know if it was more of an issue that like an insecure that the ex had or was it because they had this kind of strange, intense relationship? And the more you seem to get to know him and this relationship, the more you are actually wondering if they do in fact have a strange, intense relationship. But like, you should be able to talk to him about this. And if not, it's, you know, it's like, it's just like, it's you know it's like it's just like that's weird it's weird that you can't sit down with this guy and have a what should be a real simple conversation to have a clear scope of like why there why there's so much drama around this relationship with his cousin yeah and i guess is it weird for me to kind of

i guess i'm not to feel a little odd about the that they are so close i didn't feel odd about in the beginning but i kind of feel odd about it now because you know his family will joke and be like oh she's his platonic life partner, which I found really odd. Yeah, that's fucking weird. Yeah. And his coworkers, when I met them, you know, he brought me in there one day just to, like, introduce me to his coworkers. And they were like, oh, no way. You can't be dating her.

Like, you know, you date your cousin. And it was like, oh, haha oh haha a joke and these guys want to it's super weird and i just don't he apparently like hates that but it's just weird that it happened like it just seems to be like a super common consensus and i don't know if he like they did it by accident or that they were just maybe using each other to get over each other's previous relationships in some weird way i think the only way to handle this if you want to keep hanging out with this guy is just call it what it is and just be like hey buddy like you have a very unique relationship

with your cousin i'll just call it unique and like there's a lot of weird comments that people make about this relationship and i don't know like i I don't want to like, but I'm uncomfortable. Like it's, I, it's a, it's a, it's uncomfortable. And not only that, more importantly, your cousin who you have this unique relationship seems to, it's like, at first I was like, there's no way they would do this because why? But like, they clearly are starting drama with me. So it's like, I don't know, you need to like figure out what this is or what, like what's going on here. Cause like't know you need to like figure out what this is or what like what's going on here because like until you do like this is too weird for me just name it yeah i don't know like i don't know what the hell's going on like it's it's fine being close with family you know you can you know cousins can have uh like a brother sister relationship for sure and and and brothers and sisters could be

so close that they could get jealous of of of of people getting romantic partners parents can get jealous of their kids finding romantic partners because they feel replaced like that's that can be a normal feeling but either he's not capable of like doing things on his own and and and and growing up to the past like pushing back on mom or cousin or sister or whoever it is but like yeah this more the big picture is despite like all the like the snark around like this these jokes around it's his cousin is that he she she clearly has some kind of power over him. And she clearly tries to invoke some control over him. And like, you've only been in this guy for a month. I haven't heard anything from you on your end being like,

this guy is so great and everything's perfect. It sounds like a guy you like who it's been going well so far and it's like fine and he's nice enough but like it just seems like it's not worth it and then you work with them there's a whole nother layer of like you know weird like know, because if it doesn't work out, then it's messy. It just sounds like this is going to be a lot more drama than it's worth just to, like, have a boyfriend. Yeah, and I mean, I do, for the short time that we've been together,

like, she hasn't been involved in the picture until, you know, the last maybe two weeks. mean it's i guess it's half the time but i mean it's been great as far as like our relationship goes we have a lot in common we have a really good time when we go out and do things sure and he is really sweet yeah i'm sure those are all true that doesn't necessarily mean you should he should be your boyfriend right that's fair and despite him being nice and sweet and in whatever he has this very unique awkward unclear relation with his cousin where she weirdly seems to have a problem with her him dating anyone and wants to start drama and the fact that you work with this these people like that's i if i were you like i don't know what your thought like i don't if this job is like

a dream job or a career or if it's just like some job um but it sounds like it's a career like a job job that i would prioritize that over this what sounds sounds like it's going to get messy. And he doesn't sound, I mean, honestly, this guy doesn't sound very, it's not a very mature thing for him to, after on the third date, just be like, let's be my girlfriend. That sounds like he's 16.

And I ever say a lot of this conversation sounds very childish. And I just feel like, you know, the chances of this turning into anything legitimate are unlikely given his immaturity in general right and we're all the same age and it seems very oddly normal for them to have all this all this drama and i am like this is the most drama i've experienced in my whole life like what is going on? Well, that should weigh heavily on your decision. Like, that should be something you consider

in addition to him being a nice guy. Be like, I'm dating a nice guy who strangely, who has a unique, this weird relationship with his cousin who directly or indirectly is getting me involved in drama I don't want to be involved in. Yeah. So that matters. I don't want to be involved in. Yeah. So that matters. I don't think you have enough good information

to justify you continuing to invest in this really strange situation. Yeah. I mean, I guess I could sit him down and say, we need to talk about this. I need these questions answered, or I can't keep doing this. Sure.

Yeah, you could do that. I personally think it's a waste. Sure. Yeah, you could do that. I personally think it's a waste of your time, but you could do it. Yeah. It sounds like you already tried. He doesn't seem all that capable. Yeah, and he just seems a little defensive. And I guess I can get being defensive over family, but... Yeah, it's just weird.

It's weird. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you could talk to him, but I just think this guy's a bit childish. I don't think he's ready for a girlfriend. I think he likes having a girlfriend. I don't know. Depending on what you're looking for in a relationship.

If you're just looking to have someone around, then you could be your guy. But this guy seems like he has some major growing up to do. Yeah, and I'm not really looking for that. I've done that. I've had that in the past. And I just want somebody who I can grow a future with. And sometimes it seems a bit hard to see that with everything that's going on. I don't think that,

I don't think this is him right now. I don't think he's in a position to be growing a future with anyone, but cousin Betty, I would nip it in the bud. That's good advice. All right. Hopefully that was helpful. It was helpful.

Yeah. All right. All right. We'll take care. Thanks. You too. All right. Bye, hopefully that was helpful. It was helpful. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, take care. Thanks. You too. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? Hi. My name is Jen. I'm 30 years old. And I wrote in because I've been in a,

it's like one and a half year relationship at this point with my boyfriend. A little bit of background info. We work together. We're also 10 years apart. So he's 40, I'm 30. I'm a very classic, like anxious person. So I have all of the symptoms of like the anxious attachment. And he has all the symptoms of an avoidant attachment. And I honestly didn't really understand that until I started going to therapy maybe five or six months ago because the issues were becoming so overwhelming. I didn't really know what to do. So looking inward at what I was doing seemed like the best option since I can't really control what he does, but I can control what I do. control what he does, but I can't control what I do. So we work in the healthcare field. And right now, since we started dating, he has been on this path to this insane once in a lifetime promotion, which I'm really proud of him for. However, it has been at the expense of our relationship. And I've gone through

it with him since the very beginning of it, which is kind of how we ended up meeting to begin with. And the beginning of our relationship was nice. He, you know, was very attentive, very kind, He, you know, was very attentive, very kind and, you know, made me feel loved and appreciated. But then the, I thought it was kind of weird when the honeymoon phase kind of died down at three months, which honestly is pretty early in my opinion. And then I started seeing more of him checking out completely from our conversations. I had some family issues where my grandma suffered some third degree burns. And I was looking at him, straight at him. And was shaking in my voice trying not to cry and he looked completely through me and made a comment about work as a response and at that moment I was like taken aback because I was like okay so I didn't say anything. And I've been in a previous relationship for 10 years, where I know we don't use the word gaslighting loosely, but my previous relationship

literally wouldn't make me feel like feeling the way that I felt was wrong. And so I, for 10 years, I was kind of taught to, that what I was feeling was wrong. Right. So I, in my mind, in this new relationship, I was like, surely he didn't mean to completely ignore a major family crisis that I'm going through. So what I'm feeling is definitely wrong. And so I continued on for several more months, just keeping things to myself. Did you address that moment? Not at that moment, no. But like any time, like a week later or a couple days later

like maybe like three months later okay well when you addressed it then what what do you say he felt bad and he said that he kind of froze he didn't know what to say so he tried to lighten up the topic okay yeah so you, the pattern is basically, cause this has happened many, many times before. Um, and I think the pattern is definitely more, he doesn't know how to respond and he tries to cheer me up, but I don't think he understands that's not what I want. And, you know, I will say my mistake was that I expected him to have the answer or know what to do. So I, and I learned this in therapy. I was like, you know, it's not a bad thing to tell the person what you need in that moment. but then when I started telling him

okay you don't know what to say that's fine just come give me a hug and sit with me it's like he can't help himself like it's it's he tries to still tries to make jokes out of things um and I love his sense of humor it's just the jokes at the inappropriate times that kind of bother me um do you ask him why he's he he says it for shock value he says that or that's your assumption no he's told me that. In general, the humor is for shock value, right? In the moments where I need him to be honest or I need him to comfort me. Do you believe it? I think. Because honestly, like, I don't know him. I don't know. I mean, like, I don't know you, but.

Right. I kind of don't believe him. Really? but I kind of don't believe them. Really? Well, because it would make more sense that a lot of people are awkward and weird and uncomfortable in awkward situations. And particularly men can really struggle with that.

Like, I have definitely been guilty of, like, responding in a very unempathetic, kind of awkward, weird way, you you know or i've been accused of being aloof and i am and and sometimes i check i can check in and i can check out and then when i check back in and i don't know what to say i you know there's like people will just feel like they have to say something and i think that's sometimes harder to even acknowledge so you just say some things like well, well, I was just, you know, trying to be, I say it for shock value, like he's some sort of renegade. I don't know if that's the case, but that actually feelings and continues to do what you're asking him not to do and his only excuse is for shock value and so i guess the big question is you have to decide do you think he's telling the truth or do you think he just can't help himself and he just

needs to work on something you you know, because it's one thing to articulate to your partner about something that makes you like, I hate it when you do this. That's always hard to hear. My partner hates it when I do this, you know, and we never want to, and sometimes it's like, I hate that I do that too. and i wish i didn't do this and like what you say you hate that i'm doing you're not the first person who said that to me in fact my whole life people have said shit like this to me i'm kind of embarrassed about it i don't know why i keep fucking doing it i do do it i'm like awkward or weird i don't know what to say maybe it has something to do with an attachment style you know i don't know i'm say. Maybe it has something to do with an attachment style. You know, I don't know. I'm not like an expert in that kind of stuff,

but he has to like, you know what I'm saying? So like, cause if you think that he just doesn't give a shit about how you feel and he's doing it regardless. And to me, that's like, if that's what you believe to me, that's enough to break up with someone because you have tried to articulate how you felt about a feeling.

You've repeated yourself. You've tried to be patient with him and how you felt about a feeling. You've repeated yourself. You've tried to be patient with him, and he doesn't give a shit. Now, on the flip side, if it's more the latter of him just struggling with this, then there's a little bit of both of you just trying to... It's not as simple as saying, I don't like that you do this, so stop, and expect that they will immediately do it the way you expect them to do it going forward. But you need to see an effort from them to say, Hey, is there like, and maybe you say, is it really shock value?

Cause like, if it is really shock value, then I'm really struggling with that. But if it's just like, you know, am I the first person who's told you this like why do you think you do this can we work on this can we work on you not responding this way and maybe you just ask them politely if we feel awkward just you know don't say anything give me a hug or whatever it is and and tried and maybe that's where couple counseling can like be a benefit to you guys where you guys go in and talk about moments where you don't see eye to eye over things and then that therapist can get give you both tools of trying to both see the other person's point of view so i definitely think he does um struggle with it i think it's you hit the nail on the head. He says that I'm not the first person who's made those kinds of comments before.

And it's almost like he can't help himself. And some of the more comments that he's made that were for shock value, he has actually completely stopped those because the one he said to me one time actually really hurt me. And I froze again because I was like, I must be dreaming that someone that I love would say something like that, you know?

And so he has completely stopped the more of the hurtful ones that are more like dark comedy, as he likes to call it. But the little jokes or the, I think it's more diffusing the sad energy. He tells me he doesn't really like to feel sadness. And I'm someone that has a lot of emotion to give, maybe a little bit too much. So on my end, I've definitely learned to not, not you know this isn't like a clinical term or

anything like that but like trauma dump on him because i i sometimes don't sift through my emotions is this someone you hope or want to think that is like, is this your person or you hope is this person or are you on the fence about him being your person? Like where are you, where do you stand as with this relationship and what do you hope for it? I hope he's my person because I, so you're, you're still hopeful like you. Yes. Yes. Yes. So have you considered couples therapy with this person? I have.

After going through a lot of therapy myself, I realized that sometimes I wish he was there. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that because of our schedules, it's really difficult to find a time that works for both of us. And I've suggested... Not if it's a priority for both of you. Right. That's what I said. But unfortunately, I don't feel like a priority. It changes. it changes. So I actually went through a very dark moment in the fall time where, um, I like slowly started removing myself. Um, I, um, I, I say a lot of self-deprecating jokes about myself. And one of them is that I'm a needy person which you know i am i can admit to maybe i can admit to that the worst things in the world to be and um and he feels uh i he this hasn't told me this but this is how it makes me feel if my need to be around him or to spend time with him impinges on like his freedom and

his autonomy so I told myself okay well I don't I don't I genuinely don't know if I was putting too much pressure on him so I told myself I'm like okay well just travel go see your friends don't you know rely on him too much if he comes to you he comes to me and so then I actually ended up having a really good time spending time with my friends and slowly I kept I was removing myself from the situation you kind of took like a mini break from the relationship. I mean, no, we would still hang out. But you tried to create some distance. Yeah.

And he seemingly did not notice whatsoever, which became... Did you tell him you were doing this or you were hoping he would notice i was hoping he would notice so like not very productive what it like it was what it was is potentially productive for you to get a read on how much he was paying attention because yeah what what this sounds like to me is you two just might not be compatible. Maybe, I don't know. But it seems like you're at the point in the relationship where you are bringing up some real life issues,

some lack of compatibility that might be something you guys can both work through and it might not. And your ability to work through it or not will 100% come down to you two as individuals, how much you give a shit about the relationship. Sounds like you give a shit and you question how much he does. Now he might say he gives a shit, but at the same time, you could just be incompatible. He's just like, maybe, shit. But at the same time, you could just be incompatible. He's just like, maybe for him, you are too needy, right? Maybe for you, he lacks the empathy you require to feel like you're in a loving relationship. And that doesn't necessarily mean that either of you are doing something wrong.

Like, we all have things to work on. You have things to work on. He has things to work on. And you guys could both work on them or not work on them and some people are more compatible than others right and you two have identified ways in which you're not compatible and and this lack of compatibility is coming to a head now every couple has to deal with some level of incompatibility they all have some differences right but right now you're kind of at this point in this relationship where a lot of people you know you're at that kind of year you're in a half mark you've invested a lot you've thought about marrying him you've thought about a future with him and so you get

to this point where you know a lot of these issues come up but you want to sweep them under the rug and you want to tell yourself they're not a big deal and you want to like see how you could do things differently and it's good that you are looking in the mirror to see you know it's not just his fault i'm playing a role too but you do need a partner and you do need someone who's also willing to look in the mirror themselves and look at ways they can do it you can't be like you can't be the like the general manager of this relationship you know like you can't be the one who's constantly thinking about the thing they need to do we talked about this you know in you can't be the one who's constantly thinking about the thing they need to do we talked about this you know in previous episodes about someone who's willing

to participate in the relationship right and he either wants to make this work with you or he doesn't because i'm hearing some incompatibility between you two so to make it work he has to want to find he has to want to be able to build that bridge with you right because your incompatibility will will like create ways that you guys just don't see eye to eye and that happens all the time but healthy relationships get through that and they find that middle ground they bridge the gap right but it takes two people to make that bridge you can't bear you can't build the bridge on his own on your own you know he's got to build his part that make it gets you to your part and you guys meet and you guys see that i whatever so i think you're at it sounds like you might be at a point in the

relationship where you say hey listen like this is how I'm feeling. We both play a role. I need us to do this. I need us to go to couples therapy because I'm having some serious doubts about our compatibility. I love you and I see a future with you. I want to be with you, but I don't know, and you might not know, we're not engaged. We're certainly not married. So we both recognize that alone that we are still on the fence about being with each other forever and i need to address these issues now for both of our sakes because we don't we neither of us want to waste more of each other's times if we're not each other's person and as hard as that might be i think it's a like we need to figure this out

and start there see what he says if he refuses to go if he's not willing to make a priority because even because you know he could refuse to go and that's like a non-starter then i think you have your answer if he says oh yeah yeah we could go but like i just can't find the time he never makes a priority that's not much better right so he's got to be willing to make a priority and if he if he can, if you can't even get on the same page that the relationship needs some outside help to like help you guys see each other eye to eye and work through some of these issues, then that should be your answer too. Because it's not going to get better. You know, it will only get worse. That distance, that gap of not seeing eye to eye

will only increase. It won't naturally just just decrease you know these these are things that you have tried to already work through on your own and and haven't been able to and no amount of like books you read about attachment styles or reading the internet is going to help you guys bridge that gap it might help you empathize with him a little bit more but he's not empathizing with you so it doesn't do you much good it just makes you feel a little less crazy and that's good for you but it doesn't help the relationship so i just think you're kind of at this crossroad with the relationship where you have to see if you guys can get some professional help to help you communicate a little bit more effectively so that you guys can get on the same page that when you have this conflict he is working on tools that a therapist would give you to help you know either bite his tongue or empathize with you a little

bit better you'll get some tools to like better understand where he's coming from so that you guys like these don't always become an issue or you guys both come to a conclusion that like maybe this relationship despite all the love you guys have for each other is it's kind of too much work you know and that's okay like love isn't enough ending the relationship is something you should is an option you should put on the table and i think that will make you feel a little bit more empowered to like do what you think do what will ultimately be best for you for both of you you know if you're if your incompatibility is so strong like you're just both not going to be happy you guys are just you know two good people can make each other miserable despite saying they

love each other if they're just too stubborn to like consider that maybe it's just not the not a good fit yeah i agree so and you're still very young but at the same time you're still very young, but at the same time, you're reaching a point in your life where you don't have time to waste. So don't waste your time trying to fix something that your partner is not willing to make a priority. That's a good way of thinking about it. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. All right.

Best of luck. Thank you. Let us know what, give us an update in a couple months and where you're at. I will. All right. Take care.

Thank you. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K.

We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. We'll see you tomorrow.