The Viall Files - E427 Ask Nick - Facetime Fairytale

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we bring on even more callers to answer your burning questions and give advice about your relationship struggles. We welcome our first caller who is ghosted by a guy that she loses her virginity to, revealing that the guy did not know. Now she wonders how to properly move on and what tools she can equip herself with for future dating endeavors. Our next caller is currently dating two guys, wondering how to navigate the situation and make a decision when both are promising in different ways. She wonders if her mindset may be leading to her indecisiveness and if she realized she was in a position of power, she may feel more confident to go after who she knows she wants. Our last caller talks about falling in love over FaceTime, spending hours talking to a guy who turns out to be different than how he presents himself. Now that this Facetime fairytale has been shattered, she must learn to not accept less than what she deserves just because she’s getting validated by a guy.  “You could easily feel differently about this if you were in a different state of mind.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Vizzy: To find Vizzy near you go to http://www.VizzyHardSeltzer.com/VIALL  Ten Thousand: Go to http://www.TenThousand.cc/VIALL to receive 15% off your purchase! Article: Go to http://www.Article.com/VIALL to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALLFILES   eHarmony: Start free today! Join at http://www.eHarmony.com  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy tuesday to you all i hope we didn didn't screw too many of you up with us shifting everything a day this week. So excited to be with you. My name is Nick. For anyone tuning in for the first time, Allie, Amanda are with me. How are you ladies doing? I'm doing very well. I think I'm feeling pretty stable. Stable? Yeah. I always really get my shit together at the beginning of the week. I made myself a very good dinner, went to yoga. Should we normalize?

My boyfriend's have. I like the word stable because I feel like you're using stable in lieu of fine. But stable sounds so much more positive. Yeah. Yeah. Because fine has now turned into... Ask me follow-up questions. Yeah.

Or I'm angry at you. I'm okay. But stable is like a... It's a confident. It's a confident like, yeah, I'm just stable. I've had one day of stability and I'm already like wow I'm a new woman. So for you stability is thriving.

I like the word stable. How are you doing? I'm stable. It's like it reminds me of a hospital after someone's in an accident where they're stable. I think I've been in some emotional accidents.

I suppose we are co-opting this word from the medical community, but I feel like that's okay. That and cautiously optimistic is the other one that I feel like people really borrow from doctors. Have they got that from doctors? I got it from a sports radio show. I feel like they got it from the doctors. I don't know that to be true, but that's my gut. I don't know where he got it. We have a great episode for you.

Before we get into that, we have an update. Someone had some sex. Go take it away, Allie. Okay, so this was from episode 409. She called in because we were talking about Teddy on Clayton season. Teddy was talking about not having had sex before. That was a whole conversation. It wasn't too long ago.

So she called in. Yeah, it's recent. And so she gave us an update. They were going on a trip. Nick recommended. She was a virgin. Having sex, yeah, before going on the trip so that it wasn't like this weird buildup, et cetera, et cetera.

I feel like we need to provide some more context for like Nick recommended having sex. Yeah. I just said before the trip, so there wasn't a lot of like, you know, there wasn't the buildup, there wasn't the pressure. She was a virgin who was a virgin for no particular reason other than she just hadn't had it yet. And was like many people who, you know, who may not be super religious but are virgins. It just, like the 40-year-old virgin kind of. Yeah. It just didn't happen.

And it become built up. You wanted to be special but you didn't know what special meant kind of thing. And I suggested that. And she wanted to have sex. Like she was trying. The whole point is she wanted to have sex and she communicated that with her boyfriend and he wasn't making moves. And she was confused as to why her boyfriend, who wasn't a virgin, who got the green light, wasn't doing anything about it. And we suggested she might have to be the one who makes the move because he might be a little nervous about taking that step. It says, hi, I was previously on about wanting to lose my virginity. I want to touch on that in a second to my boyfriend who then wouldn't take that step to have sex with me. It took a few more months, but I can officially say that I'm no longer a virgin.

We took the next step on our vacation, even though I had to swallow my ego and initiate it. I'm laughing at the expectations I built up for that moment my whole life from what's learned through media and porn since that wasn't reality. But that being said, I'm glad it's out of the way and I'm excited to see where things in our bedroom can now go in the future. Great. If there is a hill I will die on, it is the phrase, lose my virginity or took my virginity. Is this you talking now, not our caller? Yes, yes. This is my person. Right?

Were you entirely sure? I wasn't. I wasn't. But now we know. Now we know. Yeah. All right. So, Allie, a hill you want to.

I hate the phrase that you lost your virginity or that someone, specifically, someone took your virginity. Because in my mind. You gave it. No, there was nothing. It's not just done. It's not like you're, it's like, it's not a notch in your belt. And I would like to think that every time I am intimate with someone,

it's something special. And that's like me giving them a gift. I didn't just have like one thing to give away. And it's not a notch on someone's belt to quote unquote take it. So I always like to tell people and how I always refer to it is the first time you had sex, you didn't lose shit.

You didn't give him shit. He didn't take anything. Virginity is a construct. Yeah. It's a societal construct. I hate the idea that like you gave it to someone who gets to keep it.

It's the virginity word that you don't like. No, it's the verbs. It's taking virginity. I think it's the verbs. It's taking virginity. I think it's the identity. The fact that it exists as like a separate subcategory kind of. So you have no first.

It's just like this one thing. No, it's the first time I had sex. But I didn't give him shit. He didn't take anything from me. Okay. And that's my soapbox. Because I hate it.

No problem with it. Yeah. Go on. Why do you hate it? I mean, I get what you're saying, but like, why is this the hill you want to die on? I don't know, because I hate it. No problem with it. Yeah. Go on. Why do you hate it? I mean, I get what you're saying, but like, why is this the hill

you want to die on? I don't know, because I just think it's, it's just, I'm like, come on. I don't care who you are, what your gender is.

Like, you're not giving up, you're not giving anything. They're not taking anything. I think it's maybe kind of like a, is rooted in like religious tradition.

Probably. I feel like the Bible is always talking about virgins and so i think it's it feels like maybe just like a vestige of older religious yeah it's just like i feel like it's an antiquated term that we could do without of course and i'm sure there's there's some misogyny rooted in the fact that guys the notch on the belt mentality. It's the taking for me. It's the verb. And women as like pure, if they have a certain. There's a sense of I was her first

type of maybe mentality. I feel like that's historically, I don't know if that plays as much of a role anymore. Like it really, I think it probably all depends on your upbringing. Totally.

And how much sex or was or wasn't talked about or shamed. I feel like Allie and I came in households where sex was very much shamed. And Amanda's just like, people fuck. No, I didn't. But I wasn't really fucking in high school. No, no, I'm saying, but I think it sounds like you.

No, but when my brother. TMI. Sorry. No, what I was trying to say is that. No, no, I'm saying, but I think it sounds like you. No, but when my brother. TMI. Sorry. Like, no, what I was trying to say is that. No, but okay. But to illustrate your point,

though. Conversations about sex were happening. When my brother told my, because like my brother and his girlfriend, they'd been dating for a really long time

and like started having sex and his girlfriend's very close to her mom and wanted to like share that with her. And so then she was like, you have to tell your parents too so he's like fine so he told my parents and my mom gave him like a gift basket with like pregnancy tests like plan b condoms lost her mind i think if i were dating a girl in high school and we decided to have sex.

Oh, my God. First of all, like telling my mom was a non-starter. Yeah, I mean, I would... Let's say I did. And then she found out that my girlfriend's mom bought her all these things, which make a lot of sense for a sex pod. Safe sex. And that kind of speaks to society's contradictions when it comes to sex and like that's kind of you know speaks to you know society's contradictions when it comes to sex and sex education nevertheless my mom would have lost her goddamn oh my god yeah yeah i think

my brother was really embarrassed by it and i was in college i was like give me the pregnancy test those are expensive this is 20 some years ago but um yeah my parents have progressed and then been enlightened but nevertheless if you constantly think that you're dating people who are bad texters, last Wednesday's Going Deeper episode might be for you with our texting office hours. I feel like we articulated, I had a revelation with a friend about what I realize many people mean when they refer to dating someone as a bad texter and the expectations they have. And I've realized, because for such a long time, I was like, what do you mean by bad texter? And now I understand. And I feel like we might need to adjust our expectations around text. Anyways, check it out it's a great oh was that no is that going deeper no it was actually it was last week it was for last week's freestyle episode

where we also talked to johnny depp amber heard uh when we give we don't we have people giving legal analysis we have janine also back uh a body language expert or a spicy episode yeah a really interesting back and forth back and forth the legal and the body language expert, or a spicy episode. Spicy, yeah. A really interesting back and forth between the legal and the body language experts. Of it all. But also, if you have questions about people

who are bad texters, check that one out. I identify as a bad texter. So do I. Well, I've been identified. You've been called out. I've been called out. I feel like you're

an amazing texter, Allie. I was just about to say, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but... Lightning. Lightning response times. I'm always responsive. Who do we have this week? I think we have Connor. Fibula. For going deeper. I just

want to... He's so funny. Talk to him about gaming. It's going to be a brawl. Yeah. You guys are going to really hash it out. I just want to ask him why he's sex shaming me. I'm exaggerating. But that makes it sound like you are a cuckold. What's that mean? What?

Why does that make me? Didn't we already do this? Didn't we explain cuckold? But it makes it sound like that is a practice you engage in. I have not. Sure. But I also don't shame it. Yeah, I know.

But when you say sex shamed for a word you wrote down, it makes it sound like you are a member of that. Because he was like, who wrote this? I was like, oh my God. Not me. It was Matt. I didn't blame Matt. I just let other people's blame Matt.

We'll be back tomorrow for our freestyle episode. Probably, maybe we'll have a verdict to discuss. That's possible. And it'll be fun. Let's get to our callers. Vizzy, the hard seltzer you know and love. No matter where your summer takes you, one thing is to be sure it's going to be a vibe

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Go to 10,000.cc slash V-I-A-L to receive 15% off your purchase go to 10 000.cc slash vial to receive 15 off your purchase that's 10 000.cc slash vial how's it going what's up what's your name my name name is Ashley. What's your name? And I'm 26. How can I help Ashley? So I would love your advice on a little situation I have. To start from the beginning, I met someone at a wedding, a family friend's wedding. Essentially- Wasn't your cousin, was it? I'm just kidding.

It was my cousin, actually. So keep that in mind when I tell you this story, because it could get a little tricky. So essentially, we meet at the wedding. Something about him, I was like, I have to get this guy's number. Everyone I knew at the wedding started leaving. And I was like, I need to get this kid's number, like, no doubt. I'm not that kind of person. I'm very, like like to myself. So

long story short, we exchanged numbers. The next day I'm like, this guy's going to text me. He's going to text me. No text. So I'm like, okay, this is a little weird. Like something's off. Two months go by. He starts adding me on social media in the meantime, before he actually texts me. So it was your cousin's wedding to be clear right yes yes a friend of a cousin gotcha so our last caller like had a weird thing with a cousin um weird so you know he's adding me on snapchat he's adding me on instagram you know would snapchat me here and there did you talk to him at the wedding we did we talked at the wedding like not at the wedding itself we talked at like the after party of the wedding. We ended up talking like a few

times and obviously I went up to him. I got his number, the whole nine yards. Two months later, he finally texts me. Normal conversation. We're just texting. We ended up going out. Everything's like super cool. You know, he's like, he did tell me, he told my cousin about the whole, like, you know, us going out and whatnot. And his cousin was, my, my cousin was so excited, you know, cool. We're going, we're going on every week. We're talking every day. He decides to just travel for like a month and a half to Europe. So he goes to Europe before he went, he was like, Hey, you know, we're still going to keep in touch. We just might not be talking as much. And you know, He was like, hey, you know, we're still going to keep in touch.

We just might not be talking as much. And, you know, I want you to do your thing while I'm gone. That whole spiel. What does that mean? Like, kind of like, you know, hook up with who you want to hook up with when I'm gone. I felt it more as like, you know, he wanted to see what was out there when he was traveling and like not feel guilty about it, essentially. So I kind of like set myself up for that. And I was like, okay, we're just going to take the next month. We're going to do our thing, live our life, whatever

tells me we're not going to speak as much. Long story short, he's hitting me up every day. He's gone. It's like, what happened to what you just said? It's kind of like you two different actions. Is he traveling by himself? No, he's with family. Family. Yeah. So still hitting me up, whatever. He comes back home.

He's 30. Okay. Traveling with family. So he cut, he comes back home. Um, we start hanging out again. Everything's cool.

Long story short, we finally hook up. Um, what makes this story like a little complicated is that he did take my virginity. He does not know that. And I don't really want him to know that, but that's just like an added part of the story. So there is like that kind of attachment I do feel with him a little bit. So I do feel like after we initially hooked up, you know, it wasn't the same anymore. We weren't going out every week.

We weren't texting as much. It was kind of like, you know, he got what he wanted in the end of this. But, you know, he would hit me up to occasionally like go out for drinks or stuff like that. And I would obviously cave in and I'd go out with him or we'd go, you know, to bowling or we'd go to the movies. And like we would do like datey things. And then, you know, we would hook up or whatever. And then I wouldn't hear from him again for like another 30 days or like, you know, another two weeks. Yeah. There would be times where like, we wouldn't hang out for another month or he wouldn't text me for another month. And

it was just like, but every time he did, you would just be like, cool, I'm available. Right. And I think that's like part of my issue. You know, I would cave in and I wouldn't stand up for myself and put my foot down. But it's gotten to the point where I'm like, obviously I had feelings involved and I thought this was going to be something much more different than it was just because of how it started. You know, we're going out all the time. Do you think your feelings were more based off of like him and the relationship or you know the fact that you know you lost your virginity to a guy and I can totally understand like this connection but like what do you think it's more of? You know part of me is like did I ever really like this guy or is it the fact that you know we've had those like sexual experiences

together and like especially my first time like is that what i'm still hooked on or is it actually him well what about what about him and that you like and that right how does he make you feel like what what about the relationship i'm cute curious, you know, people always, I always ask, Oh, what do you like about them? And people will list like qualities about like, Oh, they're funny and they're nice and whatever. But I think people should add the questions they should ask themselves are, what do you like about the relationship? And then what do you like about how they make you feel? Right. And you know what I've come to terms with is like, it does feel kind of like a cycle, you know, like we're like chasing each other and it's like so fun. And then we finally hang out and like we hook up. And then after that, I go through this, like, I call it like a full spiral

where I'm like, after I'm like, oh my God, I shouldn't have done that. He just used me. Like I go through that period. And then I'm like in a a grief in a sense. I'm upset and all that. And then I don't hear from them. So right now, I haven't heard from them and I'm like, okay, you only hit me up when you need something or when you want to hook up. And it feels shitty at the end of the day. And it's just like, I'm at the point where like, do I say something and stand up for myself or do I walk away peacefully here and just feel like it is what it is? Well, I guess that just depends on what you want out of saying something. I think it's great for people to always stand up for themselves.

And I think it's great to even practice standing up for yourself in like a low stakes situation. My fear for you is that like you still are seeking out some sort of validation from this guy and i feel confident saying that like you should probably just move on from this guy because like when i said like what about him or the relationship what about how he makes you feel or the relationship you're kind of like you you see him on edge there doesn't much of a relationship at all and he makes you feel used it sounds like so no it doesn't seem like a lot of reasons to keeping hanging out with him but my fear for you to confront him would be you know you're going to give him an opportunity to say things that make you feel better and will want, will get you to empathize with him and,

and, you know, back, back down or backtrack from how you feel in this moment and, and continue this cycle. So I guess the question is, do you, you, I think before you confront him, if you decide to confront him you have to truly believe you have to know what you're doing and be honest with yourself for why you're doing it so i think you first should decide that you are in fact done and you're not talking to him to get closure per se or or to change his mind you're doing it because you want to stand up for yourself and it's just simply and you could probably do that in a text you know you could do it in person and it's just saying hey man can i just be honest with you i really liked you i really enjoyed my

time with you like it is what it is but i just felt like you were kind of confusing. You would say one thing and do another. We would hook up and then you would disappear. And I don't know if there's something I could have done differently communication style, but I just didn't like the way it made me feel. I think it's more important to communicate when there is a relationship to save and there doesn't seem like there's much relationship to save. So now that I'm thinking about it out loud, like if you were to say like, well, I think it's kind of a waste of your time. Right.

This guy. Yeah. what you wish you would have said to him in ways to stand up for yourself and, and remember that feeling so that in your next situation, you're better equipped to not put up with this type of behavior or speak up sooner. And when they say one thing and do another, you feel confident to say, you know, like you said, you know, like, yeah, you like the guy, he went to Europe, like, who are you to say, like, why are you talking to me? But it's still confusing to say it you know like you said you know like yeah you like the guy he went to europe like who are you to say like why are you talking to me but it's still like confusing to say you know why are you calling me so much and the truth probably is is that he went on this trip with the hopes and expectations of like maybe meeting someone and keeping his options open and then he

didn't you know he went on this family trip and it was like a bunch of kids at the resort. And we're like, oh, well, he had this fantasy of all these like hot chicks, you know, all over the place and he was going to have all these options. And so then it didn't happen. So he was like, oh, I'm bored. I'll call it, you know, that's almost certainly what happened. Right. And you know, I always think I'm like, you know, if I could go back in time, I would have really set a boundary from the jump and been like, hey, what do you like? And I'm never the type of person to be like, what are you looking for? But maybe if I would have said from the beginning, like, hey, where do you see this going? Or kind of setting expectations, would that have fixed all this? Why not? would that have fixed all of this? You know, I, right. And you know, I can't go back and change anything now. And I, the last time I did see him, I made a comment and I was like, you know, after we hooked up, not the best timing, but I was just like, oh, so like, I won't hear from you now

for like another 30 days. Right. And he was like, that's not true. We talk all the time, like blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, okay. Yeah. And here we are. all the time like blah blah blah and i'm just like okay yeah and here we are maybe i don't know what expectations did you did you set with this guy when you started talking to him like why do you why do you think he thinks it's okay to reach out to you every other week or once a month probably because every time he does i'm like yeah let's go out and i like hope that every different like you know i hope that when he does reach out something will be different and it's it never is have you ever told him what you want from him i didn't and i think that's something that i do kind of regret in the end yeah that's okay you should definitely that's the that's the

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VibeFile listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L-F-I-L-E-S. That's betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L-F-I-L-E-S. I'm curious, because we don't get an opportunity to talk to a lot of former virgins who gave up their virginity to someone who ended up being, I don't know, let's just call him a fuckboy. Do you regret it? I don't regret it, to be honest with you, because at the time I was very, very comfortable with him and I really trusted him. And I thought that it was a great first person, I guess. I'm glad you feel that way. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, I know this sounds cliche, but it was time and it was somebody that I was comfortable with and I wouldn't change it. Great. Well, that's awesome. I just, cause a lot of people might feel differently. I'm glad you don't. So that's what the, that's the role this guy probably played in your life is that he was just a guy you're going to lose your virginity to. And for many of us, there needs to be somebody.

And that somebody usually doesn't end up being a special person in our lives. And so this is what he was to you. And I know that I wouldn't even go back and tell him that he was taking it. I just don't even want to give him the satisfaction of that. Yeah, he doesn't need to know. Right. He doesn't need to know. And I know like me as a person, I've, I've never been that type of girl that could like, you know, have sex without feeling or like do that kind of anything like that without feelings involved. So I'm glad it was with him and it is what it is. He, you know, I learned something out of it. And if anything, he really brought me

out of my comfort zone. I just worry now, like if he does hit me up again like well that's what I was about to say you know he will and you yeah uh at first I just wouldn't reply and then if he hits you up again and kind of says well what's up I you know that I do something wrong and you could just kind of I would be more casual about it like not not defensive or mad to say, I just, I kind of just don't want to keep doing what we were doing, which is hooking up at your convenience. Like, and it's cool. Like I'm not mad, but I just, I don't, I don't, I'm not interested in this type of relationship. What I am interested in is, you know, getting to know someone, developing a relationship and then seeing if there's someone I want to commit to but as you know you didn't want to and that's okay and i chose to move on totally but i would i would state it in a way that already sounds like you've made a

decision okay not that you know what i'm saying like you because you could say well i just didn't think you wanted to so i just you know you just say you didn't want to, so I moved on. And say it as if it had already happened, not that you were planning on doing it or you're considering doing it, that you, you know, state it as if you've already done it. Right. Okay, great. And if, you know, depending on what he says, like, he would have to, I think, really go out of his way to make you feel safe and

comfortable that he truly wants something from you more than sex because he could say like oh i'm sorry you feel that way and so if he says something like well that's not true and we talk a lot like he could say a lot of things that sound nice but he doesn't really say anything at all which is and it would sound something like well that's not true i'm sorry you feel that way i've just been busy or like i didn't realize and blah blah blah blah like the only correct response he could say i'm sorry that i made you feel that way i i thank you for sharing i do like you and i actually want, like, I want to see where this goes. And would you give me a chance to show you that you can trust me with you investing in me or something like that? You know, he needs to recognize that he, you, he did, he hasn't given you a reason to trust him, you know, in terms of making you a priority or being interested in a relationship with you.

you know, in terms of making you a priority or being interested in a relationship with you. He hasn't shown you that you can trust him, that he wants anything more than just a random hookup. And again, you're fine with that. Like, you're not mad. It's just like, that's just not what you want. And so you just have to be careful that he doesn't try to convince you to back down from what you decided for yourself to only do the same thing over and over again right and that makes total sense and like i said it you know like it over the last like eight months it just feels like a cycle like literally a cycle it's a chase like we hang out he get what he gets what he wants and then i'm left to kind of like pick up the pieces with my own emotions.

And, you know, I feel bad. My friends, my friends are like, you're in a spiral every time you hang out with him. Like, I don't think it's worth, it's not worth what you need to have done. You need to start, you need to get better at putting out, like the one thing you haven't done is you never put out what you wanted. So he's just doing what he wants to do. And you're, for whatever reason, too afraid to say, I don't want to keep doing this anymore. And, and, uh, just, you're kind of ignoring how you've felt when you're not with him while you are with him.

Right. It's like, I, I like chase that temporary high that I get when we are together and I forget about the aftermath. Yeah. So just stop doing that. Yes. A hundred percent. You're right. And in the future, the next guy you like, tell him what you want from him. Tell him what your expectations are and you don't, don't worry about sounding however it is you worry about sounding.

There's nothing wrong with saying what you want. Right. And that's my problem. Like I always get nervous about confrontation. And it's not even confrontation. It's really just saying what you want and standing up for yourself at the end of the day. I'm not interested in what you're interested in. That's okay. I'm not interested in that.

It's fine. The more confident you sound about what you want, the more attractive it is, even if they don't want it. People are very attracted to people who are confident in what they want, the more attractive it is, even if they don't want it. Like people are very attracted to people who are confident in what they want for themselves, universally across the board. No one finds it unattractive. They may not want what you want and they may try to get you to change your mind, but they will find it attractive, especially if you can enforce that very thing that you say you want. When you actually show them that it is in fact you want and you're willing to make sacrifices and go for it

and they can't change your mind, people find that attractive. Why? Because most people don't have that ability. Most people don't have that conviction. So work on being that person who can know what they want, have the conviction to say it and stand up for themselves and just not feel bad for being like, I want this in my life. And people will find that very attractive, but don't, but don't confuse rejection with, with, uh, them not thinking it's an attractive quality.

Right. A hundred percent. I'm on it. I'm making that my mission. Thank you so much. Good luck. All right. Take care. Thank you. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. My name is Elise. I'm 26 years old. How can I help, Elise? So I met this guy, Chris, at a bar about two months ago.

Okay. And I was out with my roommate for her birthday. two months ago and I was out with my roommate for her birthday. And, you know, these guys came up, basically asked if we wanted a drink and we ended up spending like the entire night with them, left his place at about 3 PM. It was a really great night. From there, I ended up seeing him five other times that week. And one of them was like totally unplanned. I saw him Tuesday night. He invited me over for dinner, which was awesome. And then Thursday night, we went on like a double date with my roommate and his friend. On Friday, my roommate and I were out and I just kind of saw him like on the street by chance. And I guess maybe I'm reading into it too much,

but I'm a big person on serendipitous moments. So I saw him and we ended up literally then spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday together that week. So it was a very expedited introduction into dating this person, which I don't usually like to move, I guess, that fast. You were excited it was good whatever you know I guess I couldn't preface it like I'm getting off of

a six year relationship that was kind of on off so I also feel like I just don't want to like rush into anything right now okay so anyway we've been dating now I guess about two months I've been seeing him and a month ago I've been dating now i guess about two months i've been seeing him um and a month ago how long were you single for before you met this guy

well i guess about three months four months and were you dating yes i've been on dating apps and other things so it's not like you broke up with this off and on again relationship. And then like a week later without dating anyone else, you jumped into another relationship. No, it's I've been dating. Cool. All right. All right. Continue. So this person I've been talking to with on hinge, I guess we just like hadn't met up for whatever reason. And I'm really bad at dating apps. I hate texting. I want to meet up with people immediately. Within the first five exchanges, I guess I just want to meet you because... I think that's awesome. I think there needs

to be more people like you on dating apps. I hate the texting thing. And so we just didn't meet up for whatever reason. He had like a death in his family. Just things happened. And this guy, Dylan, then reached out last month and asked to go on a date. It was a really nice day out. Are you hanging out with this Chris guy at this point? Yes. Okay.

For about four weeks, which I think is like still pretty early. And what was like, but it's early but you guys were hanging out a lot it sounds like and so after the first week of hanging out virtually every day what was the consistency like the rest of the month so I'm a performer and my like show week was shortly after that so I was like kind of consumed in a bunch of things. And he, I feel like, wasn't very communicative that week. He also runs a business, owns his full business. Super busy person. And we ended up talking about it after. He's just not great, I think, at reaching out during the workday until 7pm. Sure.

So at this point i felt like i could go on a date because we're not exclusive um i had been talking to this person prior to meeting chris at the bar so i went out on the matter okay right i don't know would it matter to you semantics really i'm not saying yeah but i think this is more semantics really. I'm not saying, yeah, but I think this is more semantics. Anyways, continue. So I met up with this guy, Dylan, and we ended up on a date for literally like eight hours. It went really well. We talked for a really long time. It was great. At this point, I guess, and this is why I have a question is, I guess, what extent is it okay, right? To date multiple people at once when you're navigating different things, especially because I don't

know if I'm ready to have the, like, are we exclusive talk with Chris yet? Um, to me, it feels still like fairly new, even though we do see each other a fair amount. I have a lot of care there. Um, I've seen Dylan since that first date, I guess one other time, that's it. And that was nice. I just feel like at this point, if Chris had, if he asked me like, do you want to be exclusive?

I feel like I would say yes. Okay. But then I need almost that push to get there because I'm afraid of pushing the question and then being rejected altogether. So I think this is interesting that you say that if he asks, you would say yes. Because that matters. But why? Is it just because he asks or because you really want to?

because you really want to. Because in one sentence you said, I don't think I'm ready to have the defining the relationship or to get an exclusive relationship. I'm only a few months removed from this long on again, off again. I want to be single for a while. I think that's great and valid. You've had some nice dates, which is awesome. It's not easy for everybody.

But, you know, I'm curious. Like, that's what I'm saying. Like, you went from saying, I don't know if I really want, I'm not ready, next sentence. But if he asked, I'd say yes. Which is more true? I think the latter. Because I don't think it's that I'm not ready to date somebody more seriously, and I would. It's more so that I don't like putting, I guess, all my eggs in one basket

because of the fear of... It's my personality where I'm always kind of... I love people. I love meeting people. I love experiences. And I feel like if I'm exclusive with that person I don't know I guess I feel like it complicates things all of a sudden I don't want to be in a headspace where now we're in relationship mode I still want to keep it kind of so what part of you but then you said I asked which is more true and you said the latter when it came to like if he asked you'd say yes in terms of which one you want more what part of you wants him to ask you to be his you know his girlfriend i don't know okay so maybe then our definitions of being like just seeing each other versus being his girlfriend are different

yeah i guess i mean i know i've learned that it is i mean i i've i've come around on that phrase only because I just think the labels are far more meaningless than the expectations people set. So, like, weirdly enough, I think people value the labels more than the expectations. Because the way you're describing it, you value the label more than the expectation. You're like, well, I'm not saying boyfriend and girlfriend, but I would be down to be the only person he has sex with. You know what I'm saying? And I'm thinking, in my opinion, I think those expectations about what people said are far more important than just the semantics of if it doesn't work out. Because that's what it comes down to, right? work out because that's what it comes down to right the reason why people are so reluctant to like throw a label on anything is the fear that if it doesn't work out then i have to refer the

this person as my ex and they'll be like well are they your ex like no they're not my ex i mean i just like i went out with them for like a couple months like we hooked up but like i wouldn't call my ex you know that people weirdly don't want to accumulate a lot of X's. I think it's kind of silly, but that's just my rant. I'm just trying to figure out what you really want. I think I want to approach the talk of just seeing each other, but I'm not exactly sure at this point how to approach that. First of all, I don i don't want to i guess admit that i've seen other people but maybe that's okay it is okay well to answer your question i don't think you're doing anything wrong the what's the well you know what what's the right thing to do i think the right

thing to do is to be up front as much as it makes sense to like i don't think you know you haven't defined a relationship so you don't owe this chris like, you don't need his permission to go on dates. There's a good chance he's also going on dates. But I don't know if, are you guys hooking up? Yeah. All right. So then that's a level of like, you know, you want to respect that, you know. Certainly if the person you're sleeping with is asking, you owe them the truth.

I'm a big believer in that so i wouldn't lie um you know because you're just starting off a you know foundation based off a lie but i also think it's good in your for someone in your position who was in a long term relationship that had had its ups and downs i think it's awesome that you're out there investing in yourself and just getting to know different people. My gut tells me that you are really enjoying this freedom. You're enjoying meeting multiple people. You're having a good time doing that.

And I think that's great. And there's a part of you that likes the comfort of having the consistency with one person. And it sounds like you found a pretty decent guy. And you're grappling with that feeling. But how old are you again? 26? 26. Hey, you're young.

You just got out of a relationship too. And how long were you in that relationship for? It was like three years consistently. And then we did distance on off for three years after that. Okay. So essentially all of your 20s have been wrapped up in this other person. And a big part of that, you were saying no to meeting other men. big part of that you were saying no to meeting other men right so you're young and you are even on the younger side like of dating and getting that experience to like really meet people and play the field so to speak so i for me i i would lean into that a little bit and i would be you know like less reluctant to jump into things again it sounds like you're a really friendly person. You might be good at having first dates.

I like to date. I feel like that's my... I always say I could talk to anyone and that's my biggest fear about myself is I feel like I can make it work with people, period. I can get along with anyone. And I try to be true to myself and not... Because I think I did that in my last relationship. You go with what the other person says sometimes

because you can be agreeable. And I can be hard on things and push on things I believe in, but I also can be very agreeable. And I don't want to just be doing that while dating either. So while you're in this season of dating, why don't you just try some things out? And what I mean by that is try asserting what you want a little bit more into the conversation rather than being aggrieved. It's like literally just try it. Just be like, normally I'd just be agreeable. But honestly, I actually prefer this.

I'm going to say that and see what happens. I do feel like Chris is the first person I've actually done that with. I have to say, I feel like this is the most honest I've ever been in my approach to dating someone. And that's kind of why I guess I feel like I don't want to just because I'm enjoying the freedom that I'm having right now being single and dating people I don't want to also lose this thing where I feel like I'm very open and able to be myself with this person and it seems like something that could be a long-term thing yeah how old is this

Chris guy 36 okay so he's older right uh what are conversations like with him in terms of his maturity? Like, what is your sense of his like jealousy, if anything like that? What, how do you, what are your, what's your feeling on that with him? I think he seems, I mean, he's very involved with his business. That's like, I think that's the hardest thing. It's that's his priority as far as dating and things. I mean, he seems very level-headed. I don't think he's a jealous person. I don't think he's too intense when it comes to dating. I think he cares about people, cares about his family, cares about the people around him. And you've had no conversations with him about what either of you are doing with other people? At this point, no. There was a night where he

didn't come out with us and his friend did. Came out with, I guess, me and my roommate. And it was weird because his friend, I guess, didn't want me to feel bad and was like, oh, I don't know where he is tonight. And that was weird too, because I don't like secrecy. And he was just at home in bed. He ended up calling me later that night and was like, sorry, I just didn't want to go out. I don't, and I made the comment, well, you know, it's not my business if that's what, you know, you do what you do. And he said, well, it is your business. You know, we're seeing each other. And that kind of put a, put me in a weird position too, where I'm like, oh, I didn't know

that you felt this way because you've never told me that until this moment. What's stopping you from bringing up a kind of check-in conversation? I guess I'm kind of scared that he'll run away. Run away. What do you like run away because you want something more he can't give? Yeah, I think he is a really busy person. Like I said, I think his priority is definitely his business. That's what he wants to do. I mean, we've talked about some things in the future, like hopes and dreams, what that looks like with a partner personally. But I just think at this point, I'm a little nervous to be the one to bring it up. I think you should bring it up. I think it's good. Even though I'm seeing other people. I don't think you should say be boyfriend and girlfriend. I just think, yeah, because you are, because you are dating. You're just like, hey, man, you brought up that conversation. I don't want to say, hey, man,

but you're hanging out on a consistent, regular basis. You're hooking up with each other. You're spending some real good times together. You're consistent regular basis. You're hooking up with each other. You're spending like some real good times together. You're having like good conversations. You're getting to know one another. So regardless of whether you're defining the relationship or not, like you're building a connection. You're starting to kind of build the very early stages of an emotional connection with this guy, right? And there's also a strong chance he could be dating other people around the dating apps. You don't know.

You're just guessing so yeah i think it would be really mature of you to just say hey i uh i just want to check in you know we've been dating i you're you're busy with work like are you dating i i have gone on a few dates i just want to be up front with you keep in mind you have the right to do that and the freedom to do that. So this is a great opportunity to see how he responds to that. You know what I'm saying? Like, I always say like, you know, when Natalie, like my girlfriend and I met, we casually dated for nine months. And honestly, like the way we went about it, I thought was we built a really great foundation

for our relationship because we just we had these conversations you know we didn't avoid we didn't assume and guess what the other person was doing we were honest with each other even at the risk of like finding out information that slightly annoyed us but we both like were mature and recognize that like if we're not going to be in a relationship but choose to want to be hanging out and hooking up we have to like have a level of maturity now you give him the opportunity when you say that to say he can say well i'll be honest i'm like i guess i haven't been dating someone i'm a little surprised thank you for being honest but like i really like you i would love for you to not see people anymore. And then you can say that, or he could say,

thanks for being honest. Yeah. I've, I'll be honest. I've been on a couple of dates too. And then if he says that, you know, where you're both, you both acknowledge you've been dating, then you just say, okay, well, you know, I've gotten out of a relationship. I really like you. There's a part of me that could see a future with you really like you there's a part of me that could see a future with you but there's also a part of me that is enjoying like taking it slow with you and checking in and not like just i guess i guess staying on the apps i'm like i i'm i really like you you you you take up most of my time and energy when I'm thinking about my dating life in a good way, but I'm also okay with us taking slow. What I don't want us to do is to guess and

assume because it's when you do that, it's so easy to think about to get triggered or get upset. He would have found out like instead of him being at home he was out there like maybe on a date it would have bothered you even though you would have known that like well i'm doing the same thing but it still would have bothered you and in that moment of bothering you you would have had like kind of toxic thoughts of getting angry at him and like you you would have had to convince yourself that he wasn't being maybe misleading or up front and it would have opened up an opportunity for you to be a little hypocritical potentially, because it's just like, when we feel these feelings, we just react and we

have to kind of calm down. And so to avoid that, you just have to like have these upfront conversations like that. These are the things that people should do if they're going to casually date if they're going to participate hook up culture and also like get to know each other but like not define the relationship like they normally would like five or ten years ago like 21 year old you or 21 year old you would have already been like talking to your friends being like i want to date him we're hooking up like we're he's being my boyfriend like he's doing all the boyfriend things why doesn't he want to be my boyfriend and only because you're in this position of of like enjoying this freedom that you're okay with it it's just a coincidence that you're okay with it it's just a good timing but you could easily feel differently about this if you were in a different state of mind. And that there's nothing wrong with

that too. So like, just be mindful that the only reason you're avoiding this conversation is because you're also doing something as well. But that, that's, that's the, that's when you should do it. Like you're in a position of power here, you know, that's when you should check in. So many people wait till they like are confused and don't know what to do and then they get like worked up and then their friends start like projecting like their own insecurities of what's going on in their situations onto you get you all worked up and then like you you're just like well why don't you want to date me you know and then you get upset and you know that might So he might say, I'm really enjoying, I'm busy at work. You mentioned work a few times. And for you, that might be a sign to you that while he's a nice guy

and you've enjoyed his time, that maybe he is a 36-year-old fuck boy who is prioritizing work over any dating situation right now. And while maybe you had a really nice time with this Chris guy, dating situation right now. And while maybe you had a really nice time with this Chris guy, maybe he's still not your guy because he is really the only first guy you've really gotten to know. And there's a ton of people out there that you might be more compatible with. And so now you're going to use this opportunity of being single and available to keep dating. And as far as the other person, I mean, I guess it hasn't like, as far as Dylan goes,

it hasn't escalated to the point where I can, I guess I can just say, it sounds like you're at the point with this Chris guy to check in. Yeah. And then you just have to decide, like, I don't, if he,

you said earlier, if he wants to be your girlfriend, you would say yes, but I'm not convinced that that's what you deep down really want i don't know because i know it's also sounds like you're really enjoying this single life and is it more about like losing the opportunity with chris rather than really liking chris you know i don't know and so you'll have to decide for yourself like right you keep it open-ended you're you're maybe you're open to the possibility and and checking in doesn't mean you have to define the relationship or call each other,

call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. It just might say, where are we at? Just, it could just be a check-in, you know, like you could say like, yeah, you know what? I'm going to, like, you're right. I want to see where this goes. I'm going to get off the apps. I'm going to stop seeing other people. And, but I still want to take it slow. That's possible too. Yeah. And I definitely think calling it, it sounds silly, but I still want to take it slow. That's possible too. Yeah. And I definitely think calling it, it sounds silly, but even just checking in rather than thinking of it as part of a trajectory of a relationship is really helpful. Yeah. Like you phrasing it that way is helpful to hear. Yeah, totally. Yeah. That's all it can be. What you don't want to keep doing

is the same thing and just assuming expectations and that that leads to disappointment really fast yeah thank you okay all right best of luck thanks all right take care bye bye how's it going it's going what's your name my name's audrey i'm 28 how can i help audrey so i am dating this guy um it's been long distance for a little bit i actually went out to go see him and like leading up to this whole point like things were super awesome they progressed pretty quickly. He said, I love you first. Everything was wonderful.

Everything I wanted. Went out to see him. Everything was great there too. And then as soon as I got home, everything switched up. How long have you been dating this guy? We've been dating for four months. How long have you been dating this guy? We've been dating for like four months. How'd you meet him? I knew him before and then reconnected on a dating app. Okay. And he's a plane ride away? Yeah. I mean, a couple of plane rides away. Okay. So he's far.

And so when you connected on a dating app, I'm assuming you did a lot of texting and FaceTiming. And that was the bulk of getting to know one another? Yeah, like four-hour FaceTimes. Was this the first time you guys saw each other? Mm-hmm. This trip? It was. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he said, hey, he loves you before you guys saw each other? Yep. And while he saw me. Yeah yeah i'm more concerned about the first time uh-huh i think he got caught up in a fairy tale yeah i think so too and it's as much you guys facetime it's like it's so this was the first time he saw you in person? He's seen me, like we kind of in a sense, like we went to the same high school. So we knew of each other.

We just went in different circles. But this was the first time he's seen you in eight, 10 years or whatever. Correct, right. In person, even though you guys FaceTime. I think he got caught up. And now that you guys have had your fair fairytale weekend and hooked up, he is now what he's feeling now is unsure.

Now he's thinking about saying he loves you. And he's thinking about all the crazy shit you guys said to one another and your four month love affair via FaceTime. And now he is unsure, is my guess. So we recently broke up and got back together. When did you define the relationship? We defined the relationship

a month and a half in. Before hanging out? Before hanging out. Can I ask why? I think it was more of a, he was going through a really intense time, like with his career and things. And I think we both just wanted to solidify something because it was long distance and like one of the exclusivity, which up until this point, like this point being today, I didn't have any trust issues

whatsoever with him. Like I was very confident in the whole thing. He spends his summers back home. Like I really wasn't worried about anything. And then when all of this happens with him just being completely different, we ended up breaking up because he told me that I'm talking about the future too much, even though he brought it up first and I was reciprocating. I hear you. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just more curious why you, I don't care about him, why you chose to call this person your boyfriend before meeting him in person. I think because I wanted to feel, I wanted to feel what he was giving me. He was telling me everything I wanted to hear. So I romanticized the entire relationship without actually knowing. I feel like in these moments, it's important just to recognize the role you played in this situation. Because it takes two to have a face time long

distance love affair and like they're fun to do i've done like throughout my life they're fun to get to know people i've made friends this way i've had like i've definitely never defined a relationship or said some i love you but like it's literally hot up on the bachelor the second time you know like you just it's intense and you get to talk and you spend so much time talking and you're not physical and there's a level of like it it perpetuates the intensity and it's it feels really good like it's intoxicating i i hear you but a hundred percent you both got caught up in that right and to the point where you said i love you to each other you define the relationship and yeah you acknowledge that like you said a lot of great

things but like your your willingness to receive the things that he was saying is like you chose that too like he chose to to say it, you chose to receive it. You know what I'm saying? It's no different than someone like buys you like, like, you know, like if some random person showed up at your door and said, I bought you a car, that would be kind of nuts.

Absolutely. It would be equally as nuts of you being, thanks. I get, I'll take the car, you know? So, you know what I'm saying so like that that it took two there and and i i want i bring that up because it'd be very easy in this moment for you to feel

anger towards the situation and towards him um and i'm not saying you don't have the right to be angry or mad but like i don't know how how much that's going to help you right now. It's just knowing that you guys got caught up in this thing. He might be handling it poorly. Right. And maybe his, maybe things, you know,

like you saw him and maybe you're just like, yeah, this is great. It's every, nothing changed. I'm excited to be here. Hope we can continue this thing. Yeah.

And he didn't feel that way but it was just as likely that you could have shown up and been like had some buyer's remorse i guess so to speak been like yeah yeah you know like you you i mean yeah you look like you but like or just shit like just being in person with someone's different than over the phone. It's just like pheromones and just, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it, but it's different. It is different. Right?

And so there was always going to be a risk for both of you to like adjust how you guys thought about one another. Right. You know? thought about one another right you know and so i i think you know i'm just trying to point this out to help you uh just kind of see this situation in an honest way so that you're not spending a lot of time being like i don't understand why this happened or how could this happen etc etc so like et cetera, et cetera. So like, where are we now? After we broke up and we decided like, okay, do whatever you want. We'll see each other when you get home. Okay, fine. Um, he was subliminally posting things on social media. What do you mean by subliminally? He posted like posted stupid little things like targeting me like he would

post like quotes that were okay about me or how did you respond like what did you think about that i was like well clearly you care about something if you have the you know the nerve to post anything like that. Um, so then I posted like a cute, you know, what girls do. They post like a cute selfie on Instagram, whatever. So you did the exact same thing that he did that frustrated you. I did. Okay. I did. Um, I did. And we ended up talking, I did. And we ended up talking. We ended up getting back together. Decided that, yeah, like he just needs his space. We still need to be able to have our own livesTimed me from the club, was talking to me with his friends saying, I love you. You're awesome. You're perfect. I went out with my friends and it was an issue. And then I get on Instagram and see that he's liking other girls' pictures and commenting on other girls' pictures. And I'm not doing those things because I thought we were essentially, in air quotes, all in again.

And it's like, are you just keeping me around so that you have somebody when you come home? Is that your question? Yes. I mean, I don't know the answer to that question, but my opinion on this situation is he sounds immature. You have at least been sucked into his immaturity. Yeah.

You might have shown some immature. I got into it. You've done some immature things as well uh i think a long distance relationship of any kind is hard right you know that like everyone everyone like a lot of people it's a non-negotiable for them they don't want to do it and if you are going to do it it takes it takes some work it also requires a lot of communication a lot of maturity a lot of like reasonable decision making none of which neither of you have like shown like i i just think this guy in this situation is a giant waste of your time because all he has shown you is that he is willing to give you when he needs right and he he overstates how he feels he is willing to exaggerate how he feels and then convince

himself that's how he really feels because like no one should be saying i love you to someone that they haven't met in person like i get i i have no doubt that you guys bonded to the degree of feeling love for one another i believe that yeah and that's valid but like what i mean by you shouldn't say that because i'm assuming someday when you settle down if you're looking for the you're looking for one person right like you do you want someday okay so like and when you say i love you to that person i'm assuming you want it to like mean a lot of different things right and a level of trust and intimacy that like you guys clearly didn't have when you guys said it to one another

you know and so you just have to decide what love means to you like it means a lot of things a lot of different people but a lot of people i think relate to the story because we have the idea of what we want love to mean and then what it actually means to us in the moment right and so we have to hold ourselves accountable to like decide what love means to us like what does it mean when someone says it? Like, what's behind those words they say? And can we hold them? And if they, and just because someone's saying, I love you, feels good. And even though it feels like we're connecting with someone, maybe it's still not right to say it to one another because there's still a lot of unknowns. Right?

Right. Because like, well, when I get married, I want, when I say I love you to someone, I want there to be a level of trust and intimacy and connection. And I don't want to, you know, worry about if they're going to like me in person or if we're going to vibe on, I want to know how he handles X, Y, and Z. I, you know, there's so much you still don't know about this person, you know yeah yeah and like I saw a little bit of that when I did go to see him like he kind of like would shut down at certain times and like he has you know he just kept calling it his process because I went there and he was still working doing his career doing his things and that was fine I was like you do what you need to do. I'm going to go do what I need to do. And we made it work. Like, it was fine.

But it was also, like, I felt almost like I shouldn't have been there. Or, like, I wasn't wanted there. I mean, the fact that he accused you of smothering him is, like, a big red flag in this situation. If what you're telling me. How can I smother you when you're that far away? Well, not only that, but like this is a guy who like said he loves you to someone he never met in person. It sounds like there were times where he had no problem saying a lot of, you know, forward things.

He emoted a lot. Yeah. you know forward things he emoted a lot no like and and then then and in those moments he just probably pat himself on the back for like being vulnerable and opening up and then all of a sudden when you do the same it's it's you're smothering him so like he's he's not thinking he is thinking about how he's connected to you. He's not all that worried about how you're connecting to him. It's a very one-sided relationship, which is why he's doing a lot of things that don't make sense, why it seems hypocritical. And I'm just wondering, when he does these things, what does it say to you about his potential of being a partner? of being a partner? I mean, when he's telling me the things that I want to hear and telling me how great of a person I am and telling me, you know, how great it is that I'm so supportive of what he

does and how, you know, all of those good things and like good qualities, I feel appreciated. And I feel validated, but like, right. But, but when he's knocking me down and telling me that essentially I'm being too much or I'm smothering him or I need to respect his feelings, I'm so confused because I'm like, where was the person I was just talking to? When the person, when we get validated, it's so easy for us to accept that. Oh, I'm awesome. Of course. Yes. I am a supporting person. Right. But when people treat us the way we don't want to be treated or they say things that upset us or they show us red flags, we weirdly try to understand it. Why don't you just accept those actions as well?

So you're so quick to accept his validation, but then you want to be super empathetic and understanding when of, of, of behaviors that should be taking at face value as well. In fact, more at face value, but you're so willing to like understand and empathize and make excuses for et cetera, et cetera,

because like, well, et cetera, et cetera. Because like, well, I mean, he did the, he did say I was awesome. He did say he loved me. He did say this.

They're, they're both equally is important. You should both take, you should take them both at face value. So when he does things that show that he's only considerate of his feelings and he's only really like, he's kind of a hypocrite or he's like unpredictable in terms of like when he wants to love you and when you're smothering him

you should just take that at face value there's nothing to understand what's to understand about it it's pretty obvious right and so then then you if you take it at face value then you can see it clearly like i see it where it's like here's a guy who probably is good at saying the right things. He probably is good at making me, you feel good, but ultimately he can be selfish. He can be unpredictable. It can be a little hypocritical. He can be a little immature with how he communicates. And then I asked my, then you ask yourself, is that what I want in a relationship? Even though they're validating me, do I want someone who's doing X, Y, and Z? Is me being validated worth putting up with all these other things? And so many people in your position do that. They accept all this bullshit just

because they get validated. Yeah. And that's not fair it's, that's not fair. It's not, but it's like, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with that. He is, he is at least being honest by showing you who he is. He's not really masking it that much. I mean, it's a little annoying when,

you know, but like, this is who he is. It's not that he's a liar. It's that he's immature and selfish. He has a lot of growing up to do. So do you want to be a part of this growing up process just because he's validating you? It's like, okay, well, he validated me, so I'll invest in fixing him because he's good.

Why don't you just see it as someone who is, I don't want to date an immature person. I don't want to date someone who is so quick to say I love you and then be so quick to excuse me of smothering them. Yeah. And don't get mad at him for the things that you chose to accept. Right. You know?

Absolutely, yeah. Because I honestly don't, like so many people in your shoes, you know, like you'll get, well, did did you lie to me did it all mean nothing was he just full of shit like i probably not he probably believed it in that moment what he is is immature no i i definitely agree with you so i i feel like next steps would just i I mean, I think you should end it if that's not obvious. It's definitely obvious. Yeah.

And he'll fight for you too, for sure. Especially when you pull back. And he will try to validate the shit out of you. And he's going to put all the stops. And then you'll have to decide in that moment. Despite him going, all the things that make you feel really good and real special does not take away how he is once he has what he wants right and so for you to take him back if he does spend the next six months begging for you back

it does not change how he is in this moment and that will be on you if you decide to not end it or to take him back it won't be on him because he is he is being he is showing you who he is exactly and and he has and he's on more than one occasion obviously obviously. Yeah. I think you just ended. I think you're right. And then in the future, next time you connect with someone, whether it's long distance or virtually, like, you know, it's okay.

You know, like if someone's, if things get intense quickly and you feel like, I know I want to say, it feels good to say this in this moment. Just tell yourself to just take a step back. Even if they are like this, like, I just want to slow it feels good to say this in this moment. Just tell yourself to just take a step back. Even if they are like this, like,

I just, I just want to slow down. I really like you, but like I've, I've, I've gotten carried away with situations. Let's just enjoy things like you can slow it down and just be mindful how, how susceptible you have been in the past to someone who's so quick to validate

you and make you feel good because it feels good. It feels good to have people see us for who we are and and and make us feel good and it feels feels good to get compliments but we do put ourselves at risk sometimes and this is kind of a balancing act because and so we just have to you know slow things down and protect ourselves and and just enjoy these those moments that feel real good without getting carried away absolutely and i definitely need to take that into account because i have been you know i seek that validation so much that i'm so quick to jump in and i always give a hundred percent and i feel like i just need to really kind of protect myself

yeah oh we all do like we all we all like to be validated i just think the biggest thing is uh not accepting the like you know not accepting the validation so quickly and and not not trying to be so understanding and empathetic to people showing you their bad qualities as well. Just take those at face value as well. So, you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I don't know if I said that well, but I think you understand. No, you did. You're good.

All right. You're good. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. Well, let us know what you end up doing oh 100 i will all right take care you too bye-bye thanks for listening guys don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with a k we'll be back tomorrow freestyle going deep around wednesday uh don't miss it a lot to talk about going deeper deeper on Thursday.

And do you think people have fun hanging out with us? God, I hope so. At the beginning? We have fun. No, just in general. Oh, like in life? Oh.

Like I want this show to be like something people regardless of who Yeah, like a bud. Like a Like a buddy. Yeah. I would love to be someone's buddy.

That's fun. Yeah. You're all of our buddies, Ellie. Thanks. See you tomorrow.